[00:00:01] Speaker A: Welcome to the Closeness podcast, your new sexual education.
[00:00:04] Speaker B: My name is Tari.
[00:00:05] Speaker A: I'm your host, and today we're going to talk about what to do if you have a horny wife or a girlfriend. Now, before we get started, I know men. There are a lot of you out there who really, really want to have sex with your wife or partner, and she doesn't seem to want to have.
[00:00:20] Speaker B: Sex with you, and you don't understand why.
[00:00:22] Speaker A: You don't know when the timing is right. You don't know how to flip that switch. You don't want to feel like you're begging her. But no matter how much you ask her, it feels like she's never interested in having sex with you. That's you. Another episode may be better suited, like, here are some reasons why your wife or partner isn't having sex with you, or how to turn a woman on with decisiveness. I've got countless episodes on how to handle yourself in that situation.
However, some of you are in the very unique position of being with women who are way more sexual than you. They might be wet all the time, ready to go at the drop of a hat. They may want to have sex for much longer than you do or than you're capable of, or want it more frequently than you do. And this also can pose a very large problem.
[00:01:08] Speaker B: In fact, I'm finding that it's very.
[00:01:09] Speaker A: Rare for people to have pretty matched sex drives. If you're close to being matched in your sex drive, it does seem like one person can always gently encourage or coax the other person to have sex, or even ask for it or make a bid for affection, and it will likely happen pretty easily. But one of the first points I want to make here that ties right into frequency and sexuality is, believe it or not, the fact that women hate rejection. They hate rejection, and it really should be a global statement. I mean, nobody likes it, but as men, we have to deal with it on a much more frequent basis, sometimes daily, sometimes hourly. Women hate rejection, and that also plays into relationships where the woman is more sexual than you are, where she wants it more than you do. She wants to have more fun, more connection, more experiences. She wants it to be more intense. She wants to try new things. And in the beginning of relationships like this, when you have a hornier wife, she generally will not mind initiating with you or getting things started or making the first move because attraction is high. But as time goes on, what I find in long term relationships is that women want to make the move less and want their partner to make the move more, but they still want to have more frequent sex and more frequent sexual encounters with their husband or boyfriend.
[00:02:34] Speaker B: Now, I want to talk to you.
[00:02:35] Speaker A: About a few different types of relationships that kind of fall under this category. There are the women who want to have sex with their husbands, and the husband just doesn't seem to have a very high sex drive at all. So oftentimes here, a couple will find themselves in a bit of a sexless marriage because she doesn't want to be rejected. She's given up. She's done trying. She doesn't know what to do next. She feels frustrated and resentful. And if he's not making the move and she's not making the move, obviously nothing is happening. And in fact, things can get to the point where she's feeling so much resentment and so much stress about it that even if you do make a move on her, she might be upset, angry, irritable, or not want to go along with it. At first for a variety of reasons, but mostly because it now feels foreign, because she's so discouraged with what has happened that she has to put herself.
[00:03:22] Speaker B: Out there so she feels unwanted.
[00:03:24] Speaker A: And when a woman puts herself out there to make you want her and still gets rejected, or it's not as good as she thought it would be, that feels unattractive. And so she gets very conflicted with having both desire to be intimate or be sexual specifically with you, but also not wanting it from you at the same time.
[00:03:42] Speaker B: Now, the next kind of relationship you.
[00:03:44] Speaker A: May find yourself in is one where you're trying. You're actually putting in the effort. You're having sex with your partner. It may even be good or decent or even great once in a while. But she still, sadly, is a little tepid about the whole thing. She might be bored. She wants it to be more exciting, more engaging, more adventurous. Sometimes women in this relationship will want to open the relationship, or they're thinking about it, or they're wishing it would happen, usually accompanied by a male partner on the other side who wants nothing to do with that, which is absolutely okay. Now, women in this position will often think about, what can we do as a couple to make this relationship more exciting, to make the sex more interesting and dynamic? Oftentimes, whatever the woman suggests, whether she does it directly or gives a subtle cue, it is often rejected, rebuffed, or sometimes just completely ignored by her male partner. And then especially if she wants something open or that has a little more freedom with the justification that, well, we're not doing it at home. Or we're not really doing it much at home, or it's not very exciting at home. Why don't I go do it elsewhere? Understandably, most men will say no to that. But this type of relationship, where you're in this strange space where things seem like they are relatively okay, but it's not enough for one of the partners.
[00:05:02] Speaker B: That's what I want to talk to you about today.
[00:05:06] Speaker A: I know a lot of men who find themselves in this position where you have a very sexual wife. For some people, it's never been articulated in their relationship. And for others, you may hear her say things like, I'm a very sexual woman. I have a lot of needs. I need some more adventure, some more excitement. Can't we do something more fun or different? She may talk about or reference sex all the time, how she needs it, she likes it. Make sensual or sexual jokes. Allude to the fact that she's ready. Maybe as a man, you find yourself a little more in your feminine. You like to cuddle, caress, be romantic, be soft and sweet, do fun and connected things. But she wants more physical action, a.
[00:05:45] Speaker B: Good hard fucking, if you will.
[00:05:47] Speaker A: Maybe you are mistaking platonic affection and connection, like holding hands, or having your hand resting on her in the movie, or putting your hand on her leg in the car. Maybe you're mistaking this for sexuality and it's driving her nuts. Whatever the case, I want you to understand what the distinction is between a.
[00:06:09] Speaker B: Woman who doesn't want you and is.
[00:06:11] Speaker A: Unattracted to you and is repelled by you, which looks very differently from a woman who desires you, wants you, chooses you, stays in the relationship with you, is willing to have sex with you day after day, wants to be near you, is even still in love with you, or loves you dearly. But because you don't want to have sex with her as frequently or more than she does with you, she doesn't feel wanted and desired. And there could be a big disparity in the desire. It could be a huge difference where you're someone who wants to have sex once every two weeks, three weeks, five weeks, once every few months, and she.
[00:06:47] Speaker B: Would like to have it daily.
[00:06:48] Speaker A: Or it may just be that you're already having sex once or twice a week, but she needs, demands, craves her.
[00:06:56] Speaker B: Body'S yearning for more.
[00:06:58] Speaker A: Now, sadly, the person who wants more sex, regardless of whether it's a male or female, is often feeling needy, rejected, hurt and let down, and sometimes shamed about their sexuality because of how they're feeling. And the other partner, who doesn't want it as frequently and who may even be very sexual as a person and even enjoys sex a lot, usually feels guilty and pressured. And the moment anyone feels pressured, I mean, women, you know this better than anybody. If you feel pressured to have sex, your desire tanks. But often it's extremely difficult for women to wrap their mind around the idea that men may not want sex either, or they may not want to feel pressured, or they may not be in the mood. They can't fathom that if a man feels pressured in exactly the same way.
[00:07:45] Speaker B: That a woman does, his desire also tanks. And pressure can be subtle. Pressure can be unspoken.
[00:07:53] Speaker A: You can feel it in the air, you can feel it in the way the person shuts down, gets cold, becomes distant, looks away, or maybe acts like something's wrong but doesn't want to say it. And because often when this happens with women, they don't want to be rejected, they expect their partner to mind read. Sometimes when women are rejected, they'll sit there and sulk, maybe even make the whole room feel uncomfortable when they want sex and they're not getting it. So now the energy changes from maybe a light sexual mood, the possibility for sex, or even the possibility for cuddling in a movie or play or whatever.
[00:08:27] Speaker B: It is, it'll change into something that.
[00:08:29] Speaker A: Looks more like someone throwing a little bit of a tantrum on the inside, someone getting really pissed off because their partner isn't reading their mind, someone feeling hurt because they're not feeling desired. You may even articulate that you're feeling undesired and have heard back responses like, what's wrong? I do want you. I do find you attractive.
[00:08:48] Speaker B: I do love you, and I do desire you.
[00:08:50] Speaker A: So in the same way that women have reasons for not wanting to have sex, so do men. Maybe you just had a big fight. Maybe you're just coming off of a silly argument, or he's stressed out, or he needs to wrap his mind around it. As much as a lot of people, men and women, think that men are just walking erections. That's really not the case in today's world, especially if he's working full time, managing a family, has a lot going on in life, has any health issues. Whatever's going on, it all plays into that, and it takes a toll. Something else I've noticed is that women can have really blazing arguments, yell, scream, fight, call names, put down, take really personal jabs, and then in the next moment, be completely over it and even horny and wet and really ready to have sex, but they've left their partner in shambles. They've left him totally cut down or feeling worthless, but now they're over it because they've expressed themselves or they'vented or they've moved on or they're on to the next subject. They're feeling great, but the guy isn't. And I think it's very simple to simply reverse engineer this. Simply turn the tables and say, well, if a man was very bitter or biting or conniving, manipulative, mean, rude, insulting and inconsiderate towards a woman, and then he expected her to have sex with him, well, magically, this is considered abuse. And so it's really important to know that it goes both ways.
Now, here's the kicker. If a man then becomes vulnerable and shares these details and he says, babe, you just finished whatever, yelling at me or putting me down or getting really angry and upset with me, and now you expect me to just be hard or perform. Usually even pointing out the very logical fact of what just happened will still shut her down and shut her down even further. It may sound something like this, oh, again, I feel so unwanted or, why can't you just be a man and twist me out? Why can't you just put it down on me? Why can't you just step up your game and take me? Yeah. So there's a lot of weird subtleties that go into something like this. A lot of unspoken tension. If you're a lady listening, I really invite you to reflect on what your expectations are of a man and your man. Do you feel like you can say anything, do anything, call him any name you want, be nice, be mean, be fussy, and still he should want you and desire you? Do you believe that if you put him down or hurt his feelings or pressure him, and then you want sex, that he should be chomping at the bit to do so? And could you manage such a thing?
Now, for the men, what I want to specifically distinguish with you is the ability to understand the difference between a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you like she physically doesn't want you. She's turned off, she's repulsed, she doesn't find you attractive or doesn't want you.
[00:11:41] Speaker B: In the moment versus her wishing you.
[00:11:46] Speaker A: Would actually have sex with her, wishing you would step it up, wishing you would be the man, wishing you would take charge, dreaming of it being different.
[00:11:55] Speaker B: Wishing that she felt desired.
[00:11:57] Speaker A: And that looks very.
[00:12:01] Speaker B: Similar and different.
[00:12:03] Speaker A: Similar because she's shut down. Similar because that sparkle seems to be gone. From her eyes, and because she's not looking at you with lust or desire, similar insofar as it doesn't seem like she's very sexually available, she looks shut down, she looks turned off. And so it's very easy if you're a man in a relationship with a woman who's very sexual, very attracted to you and wants to have sex with you all the time. And yes, believe it or not, friends, there are many relationships like this, but the man doesn't. It may look like she's resentful, upset, put off. And I need to tell you, if you try to talk to her about this, hey, you look upset. What's wrong? What's going on? Maybe the first couple of times you'll get a really good answer, but afterwards it's likely to only upset her further. Sometimes it may end up in an argument. It could end up with her being frustrated, not knowing how to explain it or what to do or not wanting.
[00:12:58] Speaker B: To have to explain it. It's going to end up in her feeling like, I don't want to talk about this.
[00:13:04] Speaker A: This is annoying. I'll just go, I'll just leave. Never mind, I'm not interested anymore. Very, very similar to a woman who's.
[00:13:13] Speaker B: Like, yeah, I don't want to have sex with you. I'm not attracted to you. Don't come near me, don't touch me.
[00:13:18] Speaker A: Those two vibes feel close to one another.
[00:13:22] Speaker B: But the difference is if you know.
[00:13:24] Speaker A: Your wife, girlfriend or partner, and you.
[00:13:26] Speaker B: Know she's very sexual and you know.
[00:13:28] Speaker A: She'S willing to do it with you.
[00:13:29] Speaker B: All the time, and you know that.
[00:13:31] Speaker A: At the drop of a hat, she'd be willing to do it in almost.
[00:13:34] Speaker B: Any way, shape or form.
[00:13:35] Speaker A: And you know that she wants to feel your love. Your obligation as a man is to.
[00:13:41] Speaker B: Take her friends, take her, not to ask if she's okay, not to ask what's wrong.
[00:13:49] Speaker A: Not to try to have a communication session about it or have a pity party. Not to hear her out and listen.
[00:13:54] Speaker B: To her emotions, but to actually think in your head.
[00:13:59] Speaker A: And you may not be able to.
[00:14:00] Speaker B: Do this instantaneously at first or in.
[00:14:03] Speaker A: The first five minutes of noticing.
[00:14:04] Speaker B: It might be later that night, it.
[00:14:06] Speaker A: Might be the next day, it might be in the future. And if you're together, it's fine because you got a lot of time to do it. You have to be the one to make a move. And it can't be this tired old arm rubbing, puppy dog gazing, gentle, delicate.
[00:14:24] Speaker B: I just love you. And you kind of touch on her.
[00:14:27] Speaker A: A little bit and you give her a kiss. And then you feel or God forbid, squeeze or honk her breasts. And then you try to take off her clothes and have sex with her.
[00:14:34] Speaker B: And it's not that you have to.
[00:14:37] Speaker A: Think about having sex with her in any way but that.
[00:14:40] Speaker B: How do I know that you do that?
[00:14:42] Speaker A: Because I've seen about 5000 other men do that. It's the default move as men, that we do. We go in, we start slow, a little touching. And even to a couple who has.
[00:14:54] Speaker B: Regular, healthy sex this begins to feel boring, commonplace, uninteresting.
[00:15:02] Speaker A: Now, make no mistake. If you're the kind of man who's not affectionate with your partner you don't show her love. You don't know how to caress, you don't know how to be cuddly and soft. You don't know how to be sweet and delicate. You always steamroll her and you go right to the sex, the hardcore sex. Just get her clothes off and get it in. Most women will welcome soft, loving, touch connected, sensual moments taking the time to.
[00:15:27] Speaker B: Connect with her, talk to her, look.
[00:15:29] Speaker A: In her eyes, this sort of thing.
[00:15:31] Speaker B: It will work.
[00:15:32] Speaker A: But because it's likely that you've done.
[00:15:34] Speaker B: That your entire relationship carefully starting it.
[00:15:38] Speaker A: Sheepishly looking in her eyes softly rubbing.
[00:15:41] Speaker B: Her arms or her hands not really.
[00:15:43] Speaker A: Touching any erogenous zones or going right.
[00:15:45] Speaker B: For her boobs or pinching a nipple.
[00:15:48] Speaker A: This kind of stuff does not inspire.
[00:15:50] Speaker B: A woman to want to fuck you.
[00:15:53] Speaker A: So it is imperative that if you're with a woman who has a high sex drive you take action because it's highly likely that she will not. And sometimes she's not going to wait around for you. Or you've rejected her so frequently that she feels like she can't ever initiate and won't and doesn't want to. Or she's very insecure and can't imagine making the first move herself because she feels awkward or strange doing so. Or she thinks it's your job to do it and she would rather die on the vine not actually getting what she wants than to have to make the first move herself. Or she doesn't feel desired, or she doesn't feel feminine, or she doesn't feel pursued or chased or it's simply far less interesting for her if she has to pursue and be the one to get things going. This doesn't mean you don't have a wife who does. This doesn't mean you don't have a girlfriend who will do it or can do it or can do it for a time, but deep down, unless you're in the very beginning throes of a relationship, unless things are going extremely well, most women don't want to be in.
[00:16:53] Speaker B: This position, and for most men, this.
[00:16:56] Speaker A: Is an absolute nightmare. It's a lot of hoops that a man has to jump through, a lot of things that a guy has to keep in mind. Think about. Remember, everything has to be just so. But if you want the keys to.
[00:17:07] Speaker B: The kingdom, these are them.
[00:17:09] Speaker A: There's no other way around it. From what I understand, many couples have done a lot of therapy on this with very little help. The ideas and suggestions that come back don't help move the relationship forward in a dynamic sexual way. So sometimes talking about it, or at least talking about it excessively, is not the answer. In other words, without taking the appropriate action steps that I'm outlining here, talking can often annoy her or frustrate her. Mostly because of course, I do think communication is essential. I think you should have a conversation about this podcast to see if you, as a couple agree with what I'm saying.
But if this happens over and over again, and you see that look of discouragement in her eyes, you see her lingering around you, being near you in your space, laying in bed close to you, looking a little bit crestfallen or down at the ground. Maybe she's laying on you, but not really doing anything, looking a little listless, unsure what to do with herself, feeling like she should leave or get up and go, or leave the room to do something else. But at the same time, she's not rejecting you, she's not pushing you away. When you have a horny wife or a horny girlfriend or someone who, you know, wants sex regularly, that's an opportunity for you to step in and say, hey, come here.
[00:18:23] Speaker B: Hey, come over here.
[00:18:25] Speaker A: Or just go take her, or just go pull her towards you. You could look her in the eyes.
[00:18:30] Speaker B: And passionately kiss her.
[00:18:32] Speaker A: You can reach over towards her hips and pull her on top of you. You can softly climb on top of her without putting your full weight on top. You can look her in the eyes with firm, masculine, strong eye contact and let her know, I want you and.
[00:18:46] Speaker B: I want you right now.
[00:18:48] Speaker A: But you have to muster that within yourself. You can't fake it. This is the other thing that makes it so incredibly hard. You can't just say these things. And then she goes, oh, wonderful. I'm all better. You have to act on it and.
[00:19:02] Speaker B: You have to show it.
[00:19:04] Speaker A: So you actually have to have true, authentic desire for your wife. And I think this is one of the most important unspoken truths that you may ever hear. I think a lot of men, simply put, are not physically attracted or super.
[00:19:18] Speaker B: Drawn to their wives, or you are.
[00:19:21] Speaker A: But the same thing that worked in the past or in the beginning, 3520 years ago no longer works anymore. And you don't know what to do next because you haven't bothered to look deep into sensuality, sexuality, seductiveness, intimacy. But sometimes I really true believe that you may just not be that into your wife anymore, or other things take priority, or you're not feeling as horny as you once were, or the irritation from arguing with her before is really off putting to you. There are many reasons why this may happen. I think a really big one is that you don't feel that way towards her because of how she's actually treated you, which may be irritating, frustrating, or she may be a little cold or cruel or mean. And often, even though that's not right and it's not okay, it can be mitigated by giving her great sex. Sometimes you see her differently because she's mom or she's always in mom mode. It's a really big thing, though. The women who put their husbands down all day, or insult them or belittle them or kind of cold or demanding. And then when it comes time to have sex, the man doesn't feel masculine or confident at all. Now, these are some of the things that we would talk about and work on in session. But ultimately, the answer is to have to really search and find desire within yourself. Authentic, aroused, primal sexual desire. The kind of feeling that makes you want to take her. Women are yearning for this in dead bedrooms or in relationships where sex isn't happening, or in relationships where it is happening, but it's just a little bit mundane and repetitive.
So find the desire within yourself and fuck her. Find the desire within yourself and show her and move her through a sexual experience which is not get her clothes off and have sex with her for two minutes for your pleasure. It's not put her in the same silly position you've been doing for ten years, including just rolling her on her side or putting her on her hands and knees, or not being able to have any kind of connection. It's not doing what you always do. It's not get yourself off after one to three minutes and then hold a vibrator between her legs until she comes. Or while you're cleaning up, she's taking care of herself.
[00:21:21] Speaker B: That's not it.
[00:21:22] Speaker A: It's taking her through a sexual experience. And what that looks like is another thing that we all can talk about or you can talk about together. What does it look like for her to be taken? Often women's answer, their knee jerk answer to all of these questions. What do you want? What do you need? Why are you upset?
[00:21:38] Speaker B: I don't know. I don't know.
[00:21:40] Speaker A: I just don't feel wanted.
[00:21:41] Speaker B: I don't feel desired.
[00:21:42] Speaker A: I don't feel the vibe, the energy. I don't feel love. So I'll just go.
It's in that moment that if you.
[00:21:51] Speaker B: Want to salvage this and you want the relationship to work, that you ought.
[00:21:56] Speaker A: To take her arm or her hip, if she likes that sort of thing, her neck or her hair or her butt or her thigh, or quite simply, just her hand, and draw her into.
[00:22:07] Speaker B: You and feel into the moment, what's.
[00:22:11] Speaker A: There, what's going on? What kind of energy are you exchanging? Most importantly, what does this moment require of you?
Do you need to be sensitive, soft.
[00:22:22] Speaker B: And gentle with her?
[00:22:23] Speaker A: Is she on the verge of tears because she's sad and feeling unwanted? And so you do give her a love making experience or something that is.
[00:22:32] Speaker B: Really impassioned, or are you a little more assertive, aggressive?
[00:22:38] Speaker A: Sometimes if you have a conversation about.
[00:22:40] Speaker B: This, a little more rough or dominant.
[00:22:42] Speaker A: Do you want to pick her up and scoop her up like a baby and throw her onto the bed or.
[00:22:46] Speaker B: Put her up against the wall?
[00:22:48] Speaker A: Listen, guys, even if you're not hard, even if you're not ready for sex right now, even if you're not necessarily.
[00:22:54] Speaker B: In the mood, but you can get there.
[00:22:56] Speaker A: Doing something like this goes miles to.
[00:22:59] Speaker B: Show that you actually want her. I hope as you're listening to this.
[00:23:03] Speaker A: You can see that with sexuality, there's layers to it. It's not just a question of, well, I'm going to go say I'm sorry, or I'm going to sit down and talk to her about it, or I'm going to go tell her I want.
[00:23:14] Speaker B: Her, or, well, she wants to go.
[00:23:16] Speaker A: To therapy or coaching or to go see taria closeness. So I'll just bumble along. I said I'd come, so I will. So here I am, not sure there's much to do, but here I am. All of these things are not where it's at, guys. Even if you're thinking, okay, I'm going to give her a kiss, okay, I'm going to spin her around like a dance move and give her a hug and kiss, and she's going to know that I desire her. There has to actually be follow through. Those are great things to warm her up or to show her that you love her once in a while. But there has to be follow through and there has to be something primal coming out of you. It doesn't have to look like a ferocious lion or tiger all the time, not even most of the time. But sometimes she has to feel your masculine core. Believe it or not, with everything that I know about women and men and.
[00:24:01] Speaker B: Life and dating, you have to do.
[00:24:03] Speaker A: This for the rest of your life, until death do you part. Just kidding. Until she is in a position where she no longer has that intense sexual drive and craving, which may be forever, or until you can calm her down with the quantity and quality of sexuality that she craves. Those of you have been in a relationship for a long time, you know this is true. You may not want to hear this, but you know, you say to yourself, man, it doesn't matter if I give her sex. She wants more. It doesn't matter if we do it, she craves more. And while certainly some women may need to look at their choices and see if they're having trouble expressing themselves, and the only way they can do it is through sex, many women are just far hornier than men, and if we don't do something about it, it just leads to very, very unhappy marriages and relationships.
In my experience, I have not seen it happen for many, many years in women who are like this. Women who have really high sex drives, or could have sex every day or multiple times a day, where one day they just wake up and they say, you know, I just don't need it anymore. I'm just not that horny anymore.
[00:25:09] Speaker B: I mean, maybe way down the line.
[00:25:13] Speaker A: Used to have a 70 year old friend who was pulling 30, 40 year old guys and having sex with them all the time. It was incredible to witness, I mean, not really witness, but to hear about such things.
So I think men who find themselves in the position of being married to a very sexual woman, you get discouraged and you get confused. Again, you're not sure what to do in a situation. And this is very important here, where she doesn't seem to be very responsive, but also it doesn't seem like she's rejecting you either.
[00:25:43] Speaker B: And so I hope this previous portion.
[00:25:45] Speaker A: Of the podcast helps you understand that you need to take action. You need to be physical, you need to do something or transition into doing something physical, sexual and intimate. Something that reads.
But remember, it's not about grabing her, it's not about digging your fingers into her doing something super exalted, having some crazy bondage bdsm experience, although many women would not turn that down. So you have to read into it and see. But being able to tune in and see what's needed. Just being sexual. Men, do you know what it means to be sexual? To let yourself go a little bit, to put down the iPad, to take off your glasses, to hold your tummy in, or flex your muscles a little bit, or thrust into her, or look at her like you want her, or give her desire. You know, when you watch a woman do a strip tease or dance, or you see a movie with a stripper in it, she's making all these faces. Men can do the very same thing with our authentic masculine desire.
So that may need to start with.
[00:26:44] Speaker B: You being sensual, a little delicate, a.
[00:26:47] Speaker A: Little soft and sweet, and then ramp it up pretty quickly. Or it may start by passionately being into her, passionately kissing and touching her. Or she may want something intense, as in the aforementioned bdsm experience, or something light.
[00:27:01] Speaker B: Sky's the limit now, I think, for.
[00:27:05] Speaker A: Men who are sexual, are horny, are hard for their partners or wives regularly, and you're not sure what to do with it. For men who do want to be with their partners, but just aren't sure how to read the room, this is incredible. Marriage shaving, marriage shaving, marriage saving advice that can really rock your world. Because if you've got the desire and all you had to do was put two and two together and you just had to go for it with her, well, that should solve a lot of problems. It works if you have the desire, too.
Now, where things get a little rocky and shaky is if you don't actually have the desire or you don't have as strong of a desire.
[00:27:47] Speaker B: And unfortunately, I believe that women read your lack of desire as zero desire.
[00:27:57] Speaker A: You don't want her, it's all or nothing. You either are lusting after her, desiring her, wanting to be with her, or you don't care about her, you don't.
[00:28:06] Speaker B: Want her, you don't need her.
[00:28:08] Speaker A: And unfortunately, it feels like that to a woman in a man's world. This is absolute nonsense. Not to invalidate her feelings, right? You could have all levels of desire, love her, want her, but just not.
[00:28:19] Speaker B: Be in the mood tonight, not feel up to it today, not be as.
[00:28:23] Speaker A: Horny as she is. It doesn't mean you don't want to be with her, that you don't love her, that you don't desire her. It is absolute nonsense to us. As men. But to women, it feels very, very real.
[00:28:35] Speaker B: And so you really are in a.
[00:28:36] Speaker A: Bit of a pickle if you don't have the desire, because now you're stuck trying to have a conversation about it. Well, I do want you. As soon as that even starts, that conversation. No, baby, I do want you. Really? Listen to me. I do. I care about you. I love you. I desire you.
Show it. Prove it. Sure you do. No, you don't. That's all lip service.
[00:29:00] Speaker B: Yeah, well, it sure doesn't feel like it.
[00:29:02] Speaker A: No, no, really, listen. It's just I'm not in the mood.
[00:29:04] Speaker B: You're never in the mood.
[00:29:06] Speaker A: Well, I wasn't feeling like tonight, you know, whatever.
[00:29:08] Speaker B: Leave me alone.
[00:29:09] Speaker A: I mean, anything that you say to her at this point is going to.
[00:29:12] Speaker B: Be like, tick, tick, tick, tick, back.
[00:29:13] Speaker A: And forth, on and on, arguing and doing the exact opposite of what she'd really like you to do again, which is usually, take her.
Always have consent, always know your partner, know your wife. Know that she wants this deep down. Maybe before doing this. But I'm telling you, there are times where more communication isn't what's needed.
I don't think there's one golden answer to this kind of dilemma that's going to instantaneously save the day, like swallowing a pill. Red, blue or black. But one of the things I would advise is sometimes muster up the energy.
If your default is not holding a vibrator on her or eating her out or doing something sensual or sexual with her, like fingering her, if that's not your default that you go to to.
[00:30:06] Speaker B: Get her off, try pleasuring her in.
[00:30:09] Speaker A: One of these ways. Try moving it forward where you may not have to or need to perform.
[00:30:13] Speaker B: But you can give it to her.
[00:30:15] Speaker A: In a multitude of ways. Toys, mouth, vibrator, fingers, all of the above.
[00:30:22] Speaker B: I've got to warn you, though, if.
[00:30:24] Speaker A: You go down this route and you look lethargic, apathetic, like you're not interested, oh. If your eyes just, like, glance just over there for a moment or to the corner of the room and back, you're likely going to get, what's wrong? Are you okay? Or you'll see her energy change, or she may shut down a little bit. You've got to be very, very present.
Or option two, try to have a great night together, which is also very dangerous, especially if you're at like, if you're out or you're on vacation. You have got to try to find a way to be sexual if you're having a wonderful night together. It is sugar coating to the woman to hold hands, have a nice dinner, go out for a nice walk, enjoy the time together.
[00:31:08] Speaker B: If she's really frustrated about sex, if.
[00:31:12] Speaker A: She'S really frustrated about lack of affection, lack of connection, lack of interest, lack of presence, and you think to yourself, look at what I'm providing, look at what my money does, look at what I'm buying. I'm buying us dinner. I'm buying you a car, I'm buying us this hotel. I'm buying us this getaway, this experience that's not going to cut it and it's not going to make her wet. And it's not going to make her wetness go away. Sometimes if you're early on enough in the relationship or this hasn't happened a lot, you can get away with it a little bit. You can just say, you know, babe, hey, I'm really not in the mood tonight, but let's just have a good night and let's mess around a little bit later, or let's pick this back up in a couple of hours, or I'm not really feeling it right now, but I'd love to get into it a little bit later with you, or I'm not feeling it now, but I can't wait to eat that pussy a little bit later tonight, or I'm not really feeling it now, but the way you look, you look so good. Let me just take a quick little taste right now, or give me a couple of hours, then we'll mess around.
Now, if you say those things and then you don't follow through again, you're probably going to be in for a world of hurt.
[00:32:17] Speaker B: So, as you can see, everything requires follow through.
[00:32:22] Speaker A: You can live as a man on your terms, you can call the shots, you can make the choices. You can choose when and how you.
[00:32:28] Speaker B: Have sex with her.
[00:32:29] Speaker A: You can choose the frequency that you.
[00:32:31] Speaker B: Have sex with her.
[00:32:32] Speaker A: But if it's not up to her.
[00:32:33] Speaker B: Standards and it's not to her liking.
[00:32:36] Speaker A: She'S either eventually going to look elsewhere or be miserable in the relationship, or want to break up in a divorce or want to open their relationship, or she's liable to be unhappy in the current sex life that you're experiencing. And I really can't emphasize enough, guys, you don't want to let your relationship get here because even in this situation where she's horny and aroused and wants adventure and excitement and she even wants it from you sometimes the lack of it is so frustrating to her that she also doesn't want it from you. At the same time, these are also keys to the kingdom. I'm sure you've never heard anything like that before. It doesn't make any sense.
You don't want to let it get here again. It doesn't mean you have to be a superhuman, doesn't mean you have to be a superhero, doesn't mean you have to be some porn star or something that you're not. But I think that the answer becomes desire. Desire. Desire, passion, being carnal, being primal. However you want to think about that, and I know a lot of you are saying, I'm not that way. I'm not built that way. I don't want to feel that kind of pressure. I don't want to have that kind of obligation. That's not who I am. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want to let her go. And I don't want to let her go be with anybody else. But if you're in a relationship with someone for years and years and you already know this about yourself, you are kind of holding someone hostage. You're basically saying, I'm not going to give you what you want because I can't and I don't want to. But I'm also not going to let you go. And I'm not suggesting that you need to end your relationship. If you're in the beginning of a relationship, or you're just starting to date someone new, or it's been several weeks, months, or even a year, have a conversation about the kind of sex that you want to be having, how often, the frequency, the intensity, and see where the chips lie. If you're signing a deal that you can't make good on, you should not continue to be in that relationship if it's possible, if that's an option for you, not if you're knee deep with children and decades of experience together and time together, because there are only a tiny handful of choices that work or don't work.
Someone suffers and has to make a constant, never ending sacrifice to never have the sex that they want or be forced to have the sex that they don't want to have. You find some sort of mutual compromise that works well for the both of you. You break up or get a divorce, you open the relationship in some controlled way, or you keep going the way they were, and someone's usually suffering immeasurably while the other person remains oblivious. There aren't a lot of other choices besides that someone has to do something, and obviously the best one here is some sort of compromise. But what almost always winds up happening, even though someone's not necessarily trying to win or trying to be this way. Usually the person who wants less sex is winning. And this is oftentimes, by the way, the man. It's often the man who wants less sex than his female partner. He's winning, for lack of a better word, because the person who doesn't want to have it always wins. And that's where a compromise really needs to be figured out. Or exploring to see if the relationship is right for you. Or again, see if something open is available. There are solutions other than just the status quo, what you've been doing for years and years. Something else to remember is you really can't change someone's sexuality. By the way, from what I can.
[00:35:47] Speaker B: Tell, to make them less horny, you.
[00:35:50] Speaker A: Can'T change someone's desire for. Well, you can decrease their desire by them not being attracted to you anymore. You can get them to repress it and think that that part of their life is over, which is probably the.
[00:36:03] Speaker B: Most awful thing that you can do.
[00:36:04] Speaker A: To someone who's very sexual. You can decrease their desire by not making them want to be with you.
[00:36:10] Speaker B: Or have sex with you.
[00:36:12] Speaker A: You can make her less horny by distancing yourself from her and pushing her away and making her feel unwanted and desired. That's how you reduce someone's horniness level in a very, very bad way. I don't personally believe you can make a woman or man less horny, less aroused, less excitable in a way that doesn't have consequences and that's not desirable once in a while, you guys have a good sex life. You can divert the attention. Let's do something creative. Let's paint, let's go for a walk, let's go to the beach, let's dive in the ocean, let's go skydiving, whatever it is. But most of the time, you're not.
[00:36:47] Speaker B: Going to be able to quell that desire. So the only other option is you.
[00:36:51] Speaker A: Learn how to bring your libido up. And I think that's a very.
That's really questionable. Now you can do all the scientific things. Some people, I'm not suggesting this at all. I'm just mentioning it as an option.
[00:37:03] Speaker B: Some people get on testosterone, which is a lifetime decision.
[00:37:06] Speaker A: Some people have their testosterone checked. Some people use pills for desire. Some people understand that this is all or nothing and you may actually lose your girlfriend or wife. And so they start paying attention to them differently or seeing her in a different way. This is one of the ways that.
[00:37:21] Speaker B: I actually work on in coaching is.
[00:37:23] Speaker A: I help you see her as a.
[00:37:25] Speaker B: More sexual being, even though you know she is.
[00:37:28] Speaker A: Your eyes have to see her that way, and you've got to create desire for her.
Now, something we haven't discussed here is, what about you as the man? What about your sexuality? Can't you have a wife who's not going to leave you and who wants to stay with you forever and ever.
[00:37:45] Speaker B: But you also don't have sex with her ever? Very unlikely.
[00:37:49] Speaker A: But what about your desire? What about the fact that you're just maybe what you might call normal, or not horny twenty four seven, or don't want to have sex every day, or 34567 times a week or two to.
[00:38:03] Speaker B: Three times in one day regularly?
[00:38:05] Speaker A: What about you? The truth of the matter is, a lot of times, I know this is going to sound blunt and harsh to both sexes. Women do not give a damn about your lack of sexual desire. They give a damn insofar as they don't want tolerate it, or they want to increase, or they want to try to be understanding and empathetic in the.
[00:38:25] Speaker B: Beginning, but if their drive is high enough, it makes no sense.
[00:38:29] Speaker A: A lot of men ask me why women are unsympathetic to their needs, and I think there are a lot of answers for it. But I think an easy to digest one that everybody can hear very well is that most women, from the time they were under 1816, teenagers have been getting an enormous amount of attention from men. And most women, from the time they've started having sex, whenever that was, again, whether teenage years or into adulthood, have experienced men who want them. And this is the last thing that women remember before they got into relationship with you. It always felt so easy with Ricardo or when I was with Francois, he wanted me all the time, or he was hard every time he was near me. And I think, number one, because men are so hard up for sex, because it is so hard for men to get sex. And men are so attracted to women that we tend to get excited for newness and novelty. So, especially if your girlfriend or wife has had a series of one night stands or short term boyfriends, or even some long term, but they lasted maybe a year, two or three. Usually that excitement never wore out, or maybe it was a bad relationship, but they had such good sexual chemistry that she stayed. And so that is usually what someone is used to, and sadly, what they're comparing it against when it comes to your relationship.
[00:39:41] Speaker B: And women also think to themselves, why.
[00:39:43] Speaker A: Would you not want me. I go out in the world, I get 50,000 likes on my instagram. Everybody's looking and gawking at me. I wear these sexual clothes or keep my boobs and butt out. And everyone's looking and giving me attention and being nice. Why doesn't my own husband or partner want me? Now we all know they want her for one reason. They don't want to give her children or be in a long term, committed.
[00:40:04] Speaker B: Relationship where they provide for her.
[00:40:06] Speaker A: They want to have sex with her. So everywhere she goes, men have desire for her. Look at her, make comments to her, compliment her, pay attention to her. And at home, it seems like you're disinterested. Can you imagine what might happen if year after year after year nothing changes? So even though men, we deserve to have our feelings validated and be understood. And maybe you have something. You're going through your own trauma, your own depression, anxiety, nervousness. You're just not that sexual. You never have been. You don't care so much about sex. You're making a huge contribution to the world. All these things matter. But specifically in this department, it's a really tough one to get around. Now, this isn't intended to be a depressing podcast by any means, but I do want to remove the veil to give you a peek behind the curtain of what's going on.
[00:40:57] Speaker B: I know it's also hard if you've.
[00:40:59] Speaker A: Always had mixed messages about sex, or you're super religious, or you've been raised by your mother exclusively, or a father who didn't understand certain things about women. Most of us are told that just being nice or doing whatever a woman wants is what's going to make her happy. And this is just not the case.
Maybe you've waited to have sex with the right person, and so you've been a virgin for most of your life.
[00:41:22] Speaker B: Or you started having sex much later in life.
[00:41:24] Speaker A: Maybe you've only had a few partners, and maybe you just don't know how it works. In all of these cases, women often don't care. Ultimately, again, women are very loving. They may be supportive right now, or trying to be understanding right now, but deep inside they're often feeling something else.
And you want to hear something interesting. In the same way that men can pressure women to have sex with them, women also can pressure men to have sex with women. And then they can get really, really unpleasant or upset or angry. I mean, I'm talking really unpleasant.
[00:41:57] Speaker B: If they don't get it and it.
[00:41:58] Speaker A: Comes out in being rude, condescending, mean, discouraged, putting their partner down, insulting them.
[00:42:05] Speaker B: Or berating them distance.
[00:42:07] Speaker A: She leaves, she doesn't want to talk to you. She may even threaten to break up. She may forfeit the relationship. She may use sentences like, well, you clearly don't want me, so. And then add whatever nightmare situation after that. Well, you clearly don't want to have sex with me, so I'm going to.
[00:42:20] Speaker B: Dot, dot, Dot.
[00:42:21] Speaker A: So much happens when a woman gets rejected. It's awful. It's really, really awful to see. And I don't think this ever gets.
[00:42:28] Speaker B: Spoken about behind closed doors, especially because.
[00:42:32] Speaker A: As men, we have the onus of performance. We are expected to always be hard, always be ready, always want her no matter what. Always give it to her whenever she wants it. And if not, there must be something wrong. We don't come, there must be something wrong. Oh, you didn't try to have sex with her in the moment that she happened to be ready to have sex with you.
[00:42:51] Speaker B: There must be something wrong with you.
[00:42:54] Speaker A: Now, we all know what the actual truth is, or at least we hope you all know. I'll say it here. The truth is, you shouldn't have to always worry about whether you're hard or not. You shouldn't have to have the burden of performance beyond you. If you're not in the mood to have sex as a man, you shouldn't have to do so, regardless of what your wife or girlfriend says. If you're not in the mood, you shouldn't be forced any more than she should be.
Any more than she should be. But the reality is, of what happens behind closed doors is that women do want sex. They don't handle rejection well. And when you combine those two things, her desire for sex and being rejected for it, there is sometimes a very, very violent reaction. A very, very violent one. Even if they deny it to your face and deny to their friends, you can still look at their behavior to see what's what. So, fellas, if you made it this far, congratulations. That's awesome. But what do you do with all of this? Where do you go with it? I do fully believe there are women in the world who truly care about our experience as men, or who can have an empathetic ear, or be soft and gentle and understanding, or not just care about sex that much.
[00:44:06] Speaker B: Or you can meet a woman who.
[00:44:08] Speaker A: Doesn'T prioritize sex in the way other horny and super excitable women do. All of that's possible, right? But a lot of you are already involved with someone who you love, or you like, or you're married to or you've been with for years, you have children with. And so my sincere hope is that you walk away from this episode with an understanding of female nature. Some things you can't change. Some things you can. You obviously can't change your height or your size in certain areas, but you can control your energy, and you can affect your libido a little bit, your desire a little bit. Again, my heart goes out to those who just have really low sex drives or you're taking some sort of medication. I know there are always exceptions, and there are ways around that. So, men, here's an idea. The next time that you want to have desire for your wife or your partner, take a look out in the real world. When you go outside to the mall, to the car wash, whatever. You do this anyway, every day, and you look at people and you see other beautiful women, and you feel that rush or that urge or that strong desire. Again, I know not all of you feel this, but most men do. When you feel that rush or urge for another woman, go home and channel that into your wife or girlfriend. I don't mean think about this other girl you saw. I don't mean fantasize about her. I mean take that feeling and remember it and try to amplify it with your partner. Most women want to be led in the bedroom. What that means is that you have more control than you think. You can put her in different positions as long as she's comfortable with it and down. You can say things, do things, create situations and scenarios. That's what's so cool about being a man, is that you get to choose how you want to interact, what kind of experience you'd like to have, how intense or how suave and smooth you'd like to make it, we always get the choice.
All right, we've covered a lot of territory today. I'll give you some final thoughts, and we'll wrap up. As you know, this episode has predominantly been geared towards men in relationship who have a very, very excitable wife or girlfriend. Regardless of what your sex drive as.
[00:46:19] Speaker B: A man may be, you listened because.
[00:46:23] Speaker A: You'Re looking for a solution and because you want an answer. And sometimes the answer isn't the easiest thing to hear. Sometimes the answer isn't even possible for you to make good on or attempt. But there are answers here. And if anything, again, I hope that you've got a good understanding of how.
[00:46:39] Speaker B: Things work and what you can do about it.
[00:46:42] Speaker A: And if you're in the beginning of.
[00:46:43] Speaker B: A relationship, you should really evaluate.
[00:46:45] Speaker A: If you're with someone who has, like, level ten sex drive and you're down at a one, two, three, or four, even five and six, you're always going.
[00:46:54] Speaker B: To feel like you can't keep up.
[00:46:58] Speaker A: Like it's pressure to have sex, like it's hard to match her level and you're going to leave her feeling like she's really needy or desperate, or like there's something wrong for her wanting to have sex all the time, or like she's actually pressuring you. Or of course, any of the other awful feelings we've described earlier of her feeling unwanted, undesired, unloved. If she can't get what she wants, there's always going to be a part of her that is shut off or shut down, or she fantasizes about it, but doesn't feel safe to communicate with you about that because she doesn't want to bother you or upset you or offend you. And it's my opinion that if you want to create a long lasting relationship with someone and one of you has this strong sex drive, if it's within your control, you really want to match yourself up with someone who has something.
[00:47:44] Speaker B: Similar in the same way.
[00:47:45] Speaker A: You wouldn't want polar opposite political beliefs, polar opposite religious beliefs.
[00:47:50] Speaker B: You also don't want to have polar opposite sex drives.
And then, of course, if you're involved.
[00:47:55] Speaker A: With someone who has a high sex drive, yes, men. The option really is. Simply put, although I'm giving you all the tools and explaining how to do.
[00:48:04] Speaker B: It, to spend enough time with yourself.
[00:48:06] Speaker A: Where you understand what's required, to try harder or find desire within yourself, or.
[00:48:12] Speaker B: Tap into that primal side of you.
[00:48:14] Speaker A: Put her in different positions and poses and outfits that you like. Ask her to do her hair a certain way, or to wear something for you, or go buy her something that you want her to wear, or take.
[00:48:22] Speaker B: Her shopping or take her out, or.
[00:48:24] Speaker A: Create an exciting experience while you're out and about, there is always something that you can do. And the one thing that I advise against is complacency. The same old, same old. Well, this is what works. When I pinched her nipple in the beginning, she used to have an orgasm. So that's all I do now. I just keep pinch, pinch, pinch, pinching like it's a staples easy button. If I hold this vibrator. Here she comes.
[00:48:45] Speaker B: I'm just trying to get her off.
[00:48:47] Speaker A: We don't live in a world where you can get away with that. Every single thing her eyeballs see on.
[00:48:51] Speaker B: Instagram, social media out and about is.
[00:48:54] Speaker A: What women deserve, how amazing they are.
[00:48:56] Speaker B: And what they should be receiving or getting from their partner.
[00:49:00] Speaker A: Most girlfriends, most counsel their other girlfriends to see most things as red flags. Oh, girl, you don't deserve this. You can do so much better. I don't know why you stick around.
[00:49:10] Speaker B: You could find someone better than this.
[00:49:12] Speaker A: I know it's not everyone, but I'm trying to build a case for the fact that if you want to make your relationship last, complacency is not what's.
[00:49:18] Speaker B: Going to get you there.
[00:49:19] Speaker A: You've got to dig in or tune into something primal within yourself. And I think listening to many of these episodes will give you a framework for how to do that. But you really got to take action.
[00:49:29] Speaker B: And if you and your woman are.
[00:49:31] Speaker A: Listening to this, thinking that you could really use some tips, advice, and guidance on how to do that, please step into my office.
[00:49:40] Speaker B: Thank you for listening.
[00:49:41] Speaker A: My name is Tari. You've been listening to the closeness podcast. If you've enjoyed this, I really appreciate you liking subscribing, leaving a comment if.
[00:49:48] Speaker B: You'Re watching this on YouTube or listening to it.
[00:49:50] Speaker A: Of course you can listen to closeness everywhere.
[00:49:53] Speaker B: Podcasts can be found on the cravecloseness.com.
[00:49:56] Speaker A: Website, on Apple, of course, Google, Spotify, Deezer, iHeart, in your Tesla, everywhere you can imagine. And if after listening to all of this, you still like to learn more with your partner, please fill out an intake
[email protected] intake and we'll get started. Thanks for listening and have a great day.
