Speaker 0 00:00 Welcome to the closeness podcast, your new sexual education. We offer intimacy dating relationship and nonviolent communication coaching as well as frankly, how to in no uncertain terms have hotter sex. We take complex intimate subjects and unraveled them in a way that you can actually do something with you can get closest coaching in person or virtually online by visiting our website. Get closeness.com. If you haven't already, please take a moment to subscribe to the closeness podcast on your platform of choice or better yet. Join us on
[email protected] for slash closeness. Now, are you ready to come closer? Let's get started. <inaudible> <inaudible> <inaudible> Speaker 0 00:41 is a pole, a Mazda, the shot, but first before we can talk about opening her thighs, before we can talk about where to put your tongue before we can even talk about what you should do, the ability to tune into and read your partner is one of the most important offerings we can share. Like anything else, reading someone is an art and skill that can be refined over time. And this skill is an art that I like to refer to as deep listening before getting into the specifics of eating a woman out, we're going to spend the next 15 minutes talking about what deep listening is, because it's a perfect jumping off place for doing something so intimate with your partner. Deep listening is a practice that I've personally developed over the years to help people understand each other better by paying attention to not only their words, but everything else, their body language, their intentions, their eye gaze, and yes, in some ways, even being able to read or sense what they want or what they're thinking. Speaker 0 01:41 And while I hold a very strong position that no partner should ever be expected to be a mind reader, deep listening is what allows us to tune into our partners. So we don't have to use words even though we should. So what you're about to listen to is a taste, a very, very good taste of what you would get. If you were experiencing closeness with me, one on one, or with your partner online or in person, it's going to be a jam packed episode, but perhaps not what you're expecting, not with a single pill that you take to make something happen, not with a singular technique to make her instantly come, but with the proper mindset and having that along with the proper technique is going to get you much, much further. Going down on another woman is a very intimate affair. If after listening to this, no matter who you are, man, woman, couple, if you find that you still have questions or things that are unclear, or it still gives you a touch of anxiety to think about it or talk about it, don't hesitate to reach out privately so that we can get this part of your life handled for you. Speaker 0 02:41 Now, then nowhere, is it more necessary to pay attention to someone's body language movements, feelings, vibes, eye contact, and all of the other subtle cues that a woman displays then when you're about to eat a woman out. So then the question becomes, how then would you actually read somebody's? What specifically would you do? And how soon would you start to do it? Not in a manipulative way or a way that gives you more power over them, but in a way that lets you feel what's going on inside of them without your partner having to tell you anything, what exactly do you do to do that? Are you giving someone your undivided attention? Is there something you're actually doing with your body or your breath or your gaze? What do you see when you look at her? Is she feeling connected, calm, safe, turned on playful, angry, hurt. Speaker 0 03:41 What about you? Do you feel connected and relaxed in these moments? Can she maintain eye contact with you? Is she pretending to have everything under control, but deep down she's anxious and nervous. Do you actually feel some form of connection other than physical attraction to her? The fundamental idea behind deep listening is your ability to tune into all of the nonverbal. And in some cases, verbal cues that your partner is giving you such as her eye contact and gaze body temperature. The way she's breathing, the color of her skin, her subtle or not. So subtle movements, her energy, her vibes, everything that's going on beyond what they are simply saying to you or appear to be saying to you in the moment. And this can be an interesting subject because sometimes we'll find ourselves in front of a partner. Who's sending very mixed messages. In fact, countless reality shows are incredibly guilty of exploiting this. Speaker 0 04:42 You'll see someone say something and then she'll do the exact opposite of what she just said, or pretend that she wants something and then behave in a completely different way. Sometimes she'll look disgusted at a certain man and then make out with him in the next moment and then not want him the next moment. After that, sometimes in real life, you could be with someone and really having some nice intimate or sexual fun. Everything seems to be going well. And then she hits you with, I should really get going, but she's continuing to grind on your hips or on your thigh. And you're pretty sure there might even be a wet spot on your knee. How do you handle that? What do you do? Do you listen to their body or do you listen to their words? It's a hard question for a lot of people and certainly it's true. Speaker 0 05:24 The body doesn't lie. People lie all the time, sometimes countless times a day. And yes, it is always nice to tune in and listen to what their body is saying. But if we want to build emotional trust, if we want to deep listen, if he want a woman to feel comfortable with our head between her legs getting a verbal. Yes. Okay. Or confirmation of some sort, when we're in the throws of something and we're getting mixed signals is really necessary in today's climate. Especially if you're with someone for the first few times, by the way, I do an episode specifically called how to have sex with someone new for the very time. It's a two part series and it's worth listening to, but in today's world, you really got to listen to what their body's saying and what their words are saying and help your partner line up with the choice. Speaker 0 06:06 That's best for them. Sometimes a simple verbal check-in or playful check-in is all that's necessary. Now what about when you're in the heat of the moment? A lot of people, most people are highly invested in not breaking the tension or not breaking the moment. In other words, they don't want any check-ins. And interestingly, if you ask a woman behind closed doors about someone who she's sleeping with, and she's very attracted to them more often than not, women do prefer to be shown led or taken there. But, and this is such a big, but in today's world, especially the first few times, it's really good to hear a verbal. Yes, I want this. Yes. Give it to me. Do it tasted, suck it, lick it, play with it. Some form of audible consent and certainty, even at the risk of breaking the moment. But what about the times when you're with someone who you have certainty with, maybe you're married, maybe you've been together for a long time. Speaker 0 07:01 You trust each other. How do you practice deep listening? How do you handle a situation? If someone's words are again contradictory, I say the same applies here. The way to not get yourself into trouble is to make sure this is still what they want. Unless you've had a conversation that they are so into being submissive, or you taking the lead or them wanting you to do anything to them that they just say have at it. So when you know someone, you can still go about it a little bit differently. You can keep building anticipation, you can tease her and play with her and massage her and caress her, or kiss her in different places and build her up, turn her on, continue to excite her so that her own body demonstrates to you and her that this is in fact, what she wants. Deep listening is not about trying to convince your partner that she wants something else. Speaker 0 07:49 It's getting her more lined up with something that she's already doing. So that's a more enjoyable response for her. Not you trying to get something from her. Remember we're building emotional trust so that the oral sex can be off the charts. So deep listening has to do with observing the subtle cues in her body language. What's happening to her body. As you observe it is her chest getting Rosie are her pupils dilating, is she really excited and only said, Hmm, maybe I should go to test you and tease you or to nudge her a little bit past where she is or did she actually establish a boundary? There's nothing better than real human communication to answer these things. And you're seeing that I'm hammering this point again and again, because it is critical to have experiences that both of you are not going to regret and listen, when both people want it. Speaker 0 08:40 It's such a beautiful thing. When you know that your partner wants it from you or you have full permission, or she's told you, you can do anything to her when you can read her and understand her and constantly give her what she desires without needing to speak about it. It can be a really and attractive thing. Deep listening is also about being able to read in consistencies in someone's voice, in their body language and in what they really, really want. And that could be something as subtle as presenting. Like they want something soft and gentle, but really wanting something more intense or vice versa. So the paradox is it's not up to us to read their mind. It's not up to us to assume they're going to want what we have to offer, but it can be an incredible experience when you're so tuned in with your partner, that she doesn't have to think ask or make decisions when you're really paying attention to someone, you can feel into whether or not they are having sex with you for other ulterior motives, shady reasons. Speaker 0 09:41 If they're not really connected to you, if they want to get something from you, if they're using sex for personal gain, deep listening is about being able to observe what's going on in your partner and in her mind, without it throwing you off too much, without it knocking you down without it changing or altering your emotions too strongly, regardless of what she's going through, then in your own body, how do you maintain calm, patience, empathy, love, sexuality, sensuality, whatever it is you're looking to do while your partner might be transitioning through some emotions, how do you, for instance, stay hard or not stay hard through an emotional journey that may wind up in incredible passionate sex. But to get there, you need to calm things down a bit. Sometimes when you go down on another woman, a lot of different emotions will come up for her. Speaker 0 10:34 Sometimes tears will come. Sometimes women will scream with pleasure. Sometimes they might knock you in the face by thrusting so hard or because they're coming so hard. Sometimes their orgasm might be so much for them that they'll interrupt their own coming from moving so sharply or briskly. So an entire wave of emotion can transpire. And how do you as her partner remain calm, present, and not a fake version of common present, not you heard that you're supposed to be the rock. So you cock an eyebrow and think that suddenly you're impartial to everything around you. How do you remain deeply connected to her in spite of everything else that's going on? Think about the last time you looked into your partners or previous partners eyes, and you did it in just the right way that excited them, turn them on and didn't make them feel uncomfortable. Speaker 0 11:24 Have you ever recognized how potent simply eye contact can be for exciting someone or calming them down or in some cases, even intentionally making them a little bit nervous. So they feel excitement and uncertainty for what's about to happen. Next. There's nothing like giving eye contact to someone when they like you. And they're curious about you, the electricity, the chemistry that can form. If someone tells you that you make them nervous, that actually can be a very good thing. If someone tells you that you make them uncomfortable, or they feel scared around you, that's not an attractive quality making her nervous, not intentionally, not masochistically, not to dominate or have control over them, but in a sensual way or a sexually desirable way. That's what deep listening is about. So let's jump back into looking at and understanding body language. When you're being sexual, let's say you're down below and you are kissing, licking, touching, fondling, massaging, whatever it is. Speaker 0 12:25 And your partner is just being very, very still and quiet. What do you do? How can you tell if they're enjoying themselves and relaxing into your touch, or if they're in fact uncomfortable, you see some of us emote very differently than others. You can see it visibly in our body language and our eyes and the way we move and others of us don't show it at all. If you come across someone who doesn't show it very well, that's where I feel like big surprise. It's always appropriate to check in. What can you do to check in, to not break the moment are you doing are right up there? Are you enjoying yourself? Does this feel good? Do you like what I'm doing? Sweeties or something I can do to help you relax more, a verbal check-in can make all the difference in the world. Other times, words for women can very much break a moment, can bring them suddenly into their head, make them think, get them upset. Speaker 0 13:22 And these are very real problems that we face with new partners. I actually think it's very nice to get clear before your sexual, before you're even making out before you're thinking of making out, Hey, what do you like in a man? Do you like when your partner takes the lead, do you like for them to just do things and you'll let them know if it doesn't work or do you like a lot of check-ins and consent by the way, two big tips here. Even if you're married more often than not, people are going to say, I don't know, this is usually a dead end answer that doesn't go anywhere, but I think you can, and certainly should encourage them to think about it for a moment to picture it or to ask them a different set of questions that makes them evaluate if that's important to them. Speaker 0 14:09 But the beauty about having a discussion beforehand is it makes it so that things don't have to get weird, awkward, or strange when you're in the moment trying to do something hot. And of course, because we are all inclusive here, there are going to be women who want nothing to do with any of this while there'll be women who want all of this. And because it's a very common theme for most women to want you to read their minds and know what they're thinking and go for it without them having to tell you or not go for it. This creates a very big problem. And so that's why no matter what kind of relationship you're in a check-in can always serve you well before going to the next level. And before going down, it's a bold statement, but I think women would really be served well by putting aside their desire to be read and even dominated when it's with someone new or things are uncertain or you've just had an argument, or you don't know someone very well. Why? Because the consequences are so much greater for a partner who reads you wrong. Who thought you wanted something else? Who assumed you wanted something else who read into you and decided that you wanted something else? The consequences can be absolutely catastrophic Speaker 0 15:21 Versus him checking in with you and dealing with the fact that you might say I was so turned on, but then you ask everything was okay, and now I'm just so turned off. Can you see the difference Speaker 0 15:36 As another prelude to going down on a girl, one of the best things I've discovered to figure out if a woman actually wants to keep doing more with me without having actually talk about it or constantly check in about it is to be another big surprise, present women sense immediately. If you're somewhere else, you're distant, you're distracted. You're lost in your own head. If you're insecure, you're thinking about something else you're off in the woods. You're thinking about another woman. They feel it. And they know it. You know, someone could be right next to you on top of you under you, inside of you doing the most intimate of things and still manage to not be tuned in or present with you at all, just like any of us can be talking to someone and we can tell right away when someone's distracted or thinking about something else or isn't paying attention, even though they may be nodding their head and looking right in your eyes, you know, that something's off. Speaker 0 16:29 And the same thing applies with nonverbal body language. The more present you can be, the more impact you'll have when you go down, okay, let's move on from deep listening and step into some of this eating out business here is concept number one, when it comes to pleasuring women, I think the big breakdown in communication happens because men more often than not don't need, sometimes don't even care for. And other times don't even want all of the essential things that women actually need in order for them to come. That is a very big statement. So what does it mean in man speak if your wife or your girlfriend, or if you're single, any woman that you find to be attractive opened the door, walked in, took down your pants and wanted to give you a free consensual, no strings attached, no obligation, hot, wet blowjob, which you have any difficulty whatsoever and saying, hell yes. Speaker 0 17:35 Would you turn it down? Would you evaluate if this was in your best interest, would you consider the other person's feelings? Would you consider if previous blow jobs made you feel uncomfortable in the past and therefore this one probably won't be good. And so therefore you don't want it. Do you feel like before she put you in her mouth that you would need to hear several complements or perhaps have your member be praised, would you need to hear loving reassurance to know that this is okay, that it's safe and that she can't wait to taste your talent? If she was right there right now, would you stop her from doing it because you have certain body image hangups, would you stop her from doing it because you have any kind of issue about how big or how small you are. Would you want her to kiss 25 other places for about 15 minutes first, before ever going near your better half? Speaker 0 18:25 Would you like to be teased, taunted and tormented while she holds it right in front of her mouth, but does nothing, would you like her to lick it once or twice and then go to several other areas on your body to just touch and kiss there? Would you like her to hold back for a long, long time before any of the real action occurred? Would you need to have your mind, right. And all of your other affairs in order and not be worried or concerned about other things happening in your day, including whether you feel anxious or not some of us sure, but for the most part, most men do not need any of this much less want any of that, or want to think about any of that beyond reaching their climactic goal. And this can't be emphasized enough. It's a really critical point because for women on the other hand, many women, at least any combination of these, if not all of them or all amounts of consideration, playfulness, teasing thinking, sensitivity, understanding all of this can be essential for them to have an incredible experience, to feel good. Speaker 0 19:26 And ultimately to finally release into orgasm or multiple orgasms. So let's move into concept number two and spend a little bit of time talking about teasing full-stop teasing for most women is one of the most potent ways to get into a woman's heart. Or perhaps you might say other places as well. For most women building something up slowly like building a fire or slowly turning the heat up can be profound. It can be one of the most significant things you can do to turn your women on whether you're going to go down on her or have sex with her, or just enjoy a beautiful intimate experience. So when you're teasing someone, when you're drawing her out, when you're keeping her guessing, and you're getting her almost a little playfully agitated with you, when you're building up that anticipation, that wetness and that excitement, and you consider the miniscule amount of teasing that women receive regularly, because everybody always wants to give them what they want. Speaker 0 20:26 Well, what a hero you can become. There's almost no end to the amount of teasing you can do. And we're going to talk a lot more about that later in the episode, but men, just so you can understand it a little bit. When you have someone giving you everything that you want all of the time, or offering an offering, an offering or everything is so available, you start to crave something else. And so believe it or not, it can really get her wired up to enjoying working for it. Interestingly, you could come across a woman who doesn't want or need any of this. Doesn't want to be teased. Doesn't like to be teased, just wants you to go for it. Someone who just in the words of an old lover could go for a really good licking. And I'm sure that all of you ladies out there have girlfriends who have polar opposite tastes as you do. So, as we're going through these steps, as you're listening to this episode, nothing is a one size fits all. I might say something that works for most women, but that doesn't work at all for you. And so bear that in mind as you're going through that, it may just require additional communication with your partner. Speaker 0 21:31 Okay? Moving right along so far, we've been talking about oral sex as if it were an isolated event, as if you could just sort of drop down and get your kitty on kind of like the way we were talking about an example of getting a blow job. And there are for sure times when that works, when it's appropriate to give your partner a quickie or some really good head, but a really good oral sex session, or even a sexual session can be comprised of so many other things that you do during your day with your girl to excite her and prepare her and make her feel comfortable in her skin when that time comes for you to go down. So what are some of these things that you can do to relax her and get her in the mood? How can you make her feel comfortable about being in her most vulnerable, most open position with you later on, Speaker 0 22:14 It can look like giving her a lot of attention. A lot of your presence, complements quality time, playfulness, understanding and applying her love language, who leading decision-making healthy forms of dominance, more decision making masculinity in many cases. And part of why I gave you this 15 minute introduction to deep listening, listening to her on all levels will also excite her and prepare her for sex or oral sex. Then we've got caresses kisses coming up behind her, in front of her and giving her love and affection at the right time. Most women will require a lot more than you simply diving down and demonstrating your prowess with your tongue. Men. Take a moment to imagine that you've just reached orgasm and you're very, very sensitive down there. So the first few seconds after you've come, man, you know which moment I'm talking about that moment, when you are way too overstimulated, you just need a moment, a second to breathe and let your body calm down a little bit right after you come. Speaker 0 23:19 So now imagine during that moment, when you can't handle it, that a woman dove between your legs and just started sucking you as hard as she could at your most sensitive point. Isn't that almost a horrifying thought where you absolutely can't take it where you have to say no, no, no, stop, stop, slow down. It's too much, no matter who she is, no matter how good she is. It doesn't the thought of someone continuing to do that even against your will feel a little bit violating. Well, gentlemen, that is what it's like for a woman in the beginning. When you just dive down there and go for it immediately to me, that's what happens when you start sucking very firmly on her clit without any kind of warmup or warning, it can actually be really jarring, alarming, and shocking for many women. Sometimes if a woman doesn't want something, she's not going to snap her leg shot or push you out or reject you completely. Speaker 0 24:11 You may have to look for more subtle signs that she's uneasy or you're not doing something right? Some women would sooner fake an orgasm than actually tell you that it doesn't feel good or what you're doing is wrong. So then what are some signs you can look for to read her too deep, listen with her and see if she's uncomfortable or not to begin with. You might notice that she's just a little uneasy or not relaxed. She might be unusually quiet. She might not seem like herself. Even if she's shy, you might notice some quick abrupt or agitated movements you might feel as though she looks like she's somewhere else or lost in thought you might see her bat, her eyebrows, as she looks around in different locations, flick, flick, flick, flick. You might notice some very obvious statements like when you ask if she's okay and she goes, yeah, yeah. Speaker 0 25:05 And then there's some of the more obvious ways a woman can show. Disinterests such as looking in the other direction and not paying attention to you or anything else that you might be doing, looking off at the wall or the mirror or at the bedroom door. And that's really sad because that should be really obvious and overt. And many women report to me that this is how they actually have sex and men don't pick up on it. They just don't care. You don't want to get to a place like that. Especially when you're going down on someone, you want to make sure that she wants you down there and welcomes you. Another analogy that's helpful in thinking about this is the way most of the world thinks of people as cat people or dog people, frankly. I wish everyone would just be animal people, but alas, here we are. Speaker 0 25:45 It often does seem that cat people love all animals, dogs included. Whereas it often seems dog people have a very strong prejudice towards cat people and cats for that matter. And that's a shame because very often dog people have absolutely no clue about cats. They don't know what to do with them, what to make of them. Some of them find them annoying or disgusting. Some can't handle being near them. Some of them get really scared by cats, but at the core of all that is not understanding the feline nature. And it's a shame because cats behave most similarly to women. And as it turns out, most women like to be touched, teased, played with and interacted with just like Pussycats softly with intention and presence, playfully, teasing, stroking, calm, centered energy, long fluid strokes, not roughing up and poking and scratching and making silly faces and sticking your hands in their face and getting in their way and teasing and playing and joking around demanding that they come telling them to roll over and saying, come, come, come. Speaker 0 26:54 Yes, yes, yes, no, no, no stop. Don't sit, go. All of this control and silliness, we like to exert over canines. And then we think somehow women would like this. Getting along with cats is certainly not about poking your hand or finger in their face and then quickly retracting it or yanking it away because you fear they're going to bite you. And then wondering why the kitty or woman swiped you or scratched you. What are some other places that men might abruptly stick their finger in and then quickly pluck it out without any awareness or consciousness. So knowing how to read a woman is critical. I hear many stories of men who just run up to their girls and stick their hands in their faces or swatted them or joke with them, or are super submissive to them and act bewildered, shocked and amazed when these women don't want to be touched, there's a way, and there's an approach that works with cats. Speaker 0 27:41 And when you unlock that and when you know that, then you're in with almost all of them, understanding of felines body language, however, takes considerably more time, focus and energy, but the result is always going to be worth it. So to continue with our analogy, you've got to tune into their eyes to the way their tail twitches are flutters. Sometimes even to the way their tail is beating on the floor or draping back and forth across it. Is it moving playfully and essentially, or is it tapping and quickly and sharply moving in a way that seems agitated. You can translate all of this right into female behavior as well. Are her eyes darting all over the room? Is she making quick, sharp and abrupt gestures? She tried to avoid eye contact with you. There are so many different cues. And I think this is why it's so much easier for people to love and appreciate dogs. Speaker 0 28:30 These big, happy balls of energy that just slobber all over. You love you no matter what. Can't wait to see when you get home. And for the most part, no matter what your mood is, when you get home, no matter how you're feeling, they're just right there and ready to love and adore you. And we love this as people, we want to be adored like this, but we are seldom able to keep our own energy at such a positive or neutral level as well. Playing with greeting and interacting with a dog is effortless because it doesn't require any presence. And it doesn't require a lot of paying attention unless you have a very poorly behaved dog with the subject, as vast as oral sex. It's always good to start with preliminaries. Now you can buy any self help guide or download a PDF or read any book on getting tips on how to eat a girl out with this episode aims to do is to teach you how to do it in a present sensual, erotic, and connected way, because you can learn all of the tips in the world, but if they're not applied correctly, if you're not present to the situation with the right mannerisms, the right energy and frankly care and sense of connectedness, you can really miss out on an entire universe of what's there to discover with her. Speaker 0 29:43 I mentioned earlier that you want your woman to associate you with pleasure. And I mentioned that one of the big breakdowns for men not understanding what women want is the very fact that we as men don't need what women often require in order to come. It doesn't take us very long. We don't need praise and admiration. In many cases, we don't have to feel safe and relaxed and we don't need to be teased. And therefore, most of these things don't come naturally to men. We need to learn them. We need to practice them and we need to be invited to share them with you. Now that certainly doesn't mean that as men, we don't appreciate being relaxed or cared for nurtured, complimented, respected, adored, or have someone take their time with us. It's just not something that we often need to require in order to be turned on. Speaker 0 30:31 And certainly most men won't need it in order to come, okay, let's get into some more groundbreaking material here. Are you ready? You should actually really genuinely like the girl. Not just physically, not just her boobs, her, but not just her pretty face or her dazzling personality, but to actually like her as a person, to like the entire package, the way her body's made, the way she looks and tastes down below. I also think it's very important to be attracted to her pheromones, her energy, her scent taste, and even yes, viscosity when she gets wet. Why, why would I say such things? Because if your only desire is sex, you're just horny and you want to have sex with anyone, or you just find one cute aspect about her, or she's the only one you could find in the moment, or she's just someone who is willing to have sex with you, or you just want to practice, or you just want to get it done, or you don't even have any emotional involvement or interest in her, or even say, you're just in it for you. Speaker 0 31:33 You just want to come. But then when it's time to go down, her smell turns you off or her taste or something else about her really puts you off and you can't hide that. That's going to shine through right away. And women already deal with so much insecurity. Gosh, about their thighs, their legs, breast size. If they're feeling bloated, if they're on their period, if they haven't waxed or shaved how they feel compared to the way they used to look. If they've gone to the gym today, if they've got any ingrown hairs or shaving bumps, if they're not happy with their tan lines, if they're feeling just a little bit sluggish today, if they left the house without makeup, if they're just wearing their sweats today, if they can't stand the way they look down there and we haven't even tipped the iceberg on emotions, are they feeling melancholy up, down sad, emotional? Speaker 0 32:18 Are they just not in the mood? The last thing a woman needs is to sense from you that you're with her, that you're having sex with her, but you're not into her. Or you're not really attracted to her. You don't really like her, or you're doing her a favor. The problem with men hearing this is it's very hard for it to sink in because most men think to themselves, if a gorgeous woman wants to have sex with me, if she wants to do it for no other reason than just to pleasure you, what does he care? A man might ask if she's doing me a favor or helping me out, the fact is he's getting some and for most men that's enough. But if you had that big of a list of all the things that you had to feel good about, right, about her comfortable about before you can settle down, relax, ease into it, feel safe, or even feel like you can have an enjoyable time. Speaker 0 33:11 Wouldn't you want to be certain that that person liked you for who you are, or at the very least was very, very attracted to you when you authentically admire and are deeply attracted to the woman that you're with. When you can accept all of the physical and emotional qualities about her, you actually accept her for who she is. And she can feel that incense, that that creates safety, that creates trust. And that's a completely different experience when you interact sexually versus fucking her. Cause she's cute for me personally, I absolutely love knowing how she smells, how she tastes, how her energy mixes with mine. If we have beyond good chemistry, there's a difference between having good chemistry and also liking the way someone tastes. If you like hearing me talk about all that, if you like the way enjoying someone tastes sounds, then you know what an unbelievably important subject, good hygienists, and that lets us bleed right into the next concept. Speaker 0 34:08 Good hygiene may seem like an obvious or even funny topic, but especially when it comes to oral sex, it's obviously very important. Do you believe that you never get a second chance to make a first impression that becomes even more important here? So let's go someplace where very few people are willing to go. This isn't for everybody, but I think it's important for everybody to hear. At least once, sometimes someone sent might feel too strong or is highly unpalatable for you. And this is a really, really sensitive subject. So let me clear it up by saying a few things, no one should ever be shamed for how they smell or taste or look of course, but there's a big difference between someone's natural scent, which might be more pungent or too strong for someone to take. And then actually having something wrong down there, like yeast or bacteria vaginosis, a urinary tract infection, or just an imbalance of sorts, or just not being cleanli. Speaker 0 35:00 One of the most potentially dangerous things you can do to one of your partners is letting them know, especially if it's not good, how they taste down there, how they smell and delivery is everything. Rest assured that most people on the planet most likely do not want to hear anything unless it's perfect, sweet and wonderful because you're going to create a lot of insecurity and create a complex. But the fact of the matter is many people have a sense of smell. That's a lot more sensitive to others and some people's, but also some women's taste viscosity can have something about it. That's very off putting to other people. That's a very natural thing. Not everyone's pheromones can be attractive to someone else. So while I stay away from sweeping statements, like no matter what everyone is just beautiful and perfect down there, no one should have anything to say about anyone or else that's judgment. Speaker 0 35:54 That's rude and that's wrong. Anyone and everyone should appreciate her deliciousness or any man should be lucky to be with her or anyone should be able to eat her out and love it. And worshiper that's frankly, just not true. It doesn't really have a basis in reality, but when you choose someone that you like when you're with the right match, when you link up with someone who you enjoy on a cellular level, Oh, it can be intoxicating. She can smell so sweet. She can taste so delicious. And all of those things can be true for you. But if the Jina should never smell of an extremely strong or bad or pungent odor, it should never be nauseated and it shouldn't make you gag or choke or gasp. And I know this is very strong language. In fact, I could see what face you're making right now, but it's important to understand, at least generally the difference between something healthy versus unhealthy or a potential health risk for both of you, even in hearing these hypothetical examples, you might be saying to yourself, Oh, that's mean or poor girl, or that shouldn't even be brought up, but these things are true. Speaker 0 36:55 They exist. And it's very likely that people are going to come across them way more often than you think. So to me, it's considerably better to be aware that these things happen, to know how to handle them with taste, so to speak and tact so that you can have a better experience together. Sometimes regardless of your gender, someone's going to have a scent. That's going to completely disgust someone and it could completely turn on someone else. If you're a woman listening to this, you can take into account two points. Number one, not having that great chemistry with one man doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. And then number two, noticing that if you're smelling a strong center odor in yourself, it's something worth having checked out. Okay. Now what about if you are on the giving end of oral sex and you feel like something might be off, something's turning you off or you can smell a very strong odor coming from her. Speaker 0 37:46 It could be likely that you don't know what's going on. You don't know if something is off or if she just needs to take a shower cause she's worked out hard today. Or if it is in fact, just her natural scent, very tricky territory. And here again is a great place to add. There's a lot of talk in our world today about accepting and loving women's bodies under any and all conditions, no matter what, no matter what they look like, what they smell like, what hit tastes like. And I just need to say it's a bit of a beautiful utopian idea. Sure. But in the real world of interacting with people in lovers or someone new, it's a really silly idea. Just like it would be for a woman to have the same expectation of a man that under any and all circumstances, he should be fresh and good smelling and everything you'd ever dreamed of. Speaker 0 38:32 No woman alive on the planet today, unconditionally loves and accepts and deems as beautiful. All other women's bodies on the planet. Quite the contrary, you hear judgment and criticism and cattiness all the time. So go easy on people. When you think that men should be all accepting and a hundred percent unconditional, of course, when you're with someone who you love, you hope that they accept the way you look, the way your body's made your personality, the way you carry yourself, but the way you smell and taste under any and all conditions, can you accept your boyfriend or husband after a garlic and onion dinner? What if it didn't sit well with him? And he didn't brush his teeth later that night, would you want to make out with them in the morning and accept his smell as natural? Would you be completely understanding if he made a big stink, so to speak about how his body is his body and you should love him for how he is. Speaker 0 39:24 And this is part of being a human and all that stuff. Of course not. I personally would not expect much less. Allow someone to give me a blow job. After I've been at the beach all day, that's just uncouth, but let's be real here. What do you actually do? If you come across someone and you truly cannot handle the way they smell, you're not trying to be dramatic. You're not trying to make a big scene. You don't want to make them feel bad, but it's turning your stomach a little bit. My first piece of advice would be to know the type of woman that you're with some women. And they'll tell you would never ever want you to have this conversation with them. You just don't go there. That's not something you say. It's not something they can handle. So be it. However, if you find yourself in a very caring, loving, mutually supportive relationship and things are just very easy to talk about with your partner, even if you was someone new and you see someone who's confident and open and willing to share themselves with you, if you're able to notice it before your knee deep in the middle of all the activity. Speaker 0 40:31 If you know this about your partner, or you can smell it before you even take off her pants or, you know, right away that that's not something you're gonna feel comfortable doing, then don't be intimate. Like at all, just don't do it if necessary down the line or later on, or when it's not such a tender and intimate moment, maybe have a loving talk about it. If you're already partially naked or you're going about it already. And then you notice still there are ways of kissing around the area or making your way towards somewhere else, like a thigh or a knee or a calf or a tummy, lots of other places you can kiss to dance around and then continue doing whatever you're doing. Finally, even if you are in the middle of going down on her, you can make it almost as though you're teasing her. Speaker 0 41:17 You can use your fingers instead of your mouth. You can kiss gently around the area or just stay on the top of her, like around her clit area. You don't have to be all up in it. The way you handle a sensitive subject like this largely depends on your relationship with this woman. If we're talking about something like a one night stand, it's really probably not your place to say or do anything. And then maybe it's best left alone. If you've only slept with someone a couple of times, I'd also say that's a little bit tricky and probably best to leave it alone. But if it's your partner, your wife, it's someone you're dating. Or even if you've had sex a handful of times and they trust you because you're not always teasing them or making fun of them or giving them crap about stuff. Speaker 0 41:58 By the way, guys who are always giving their partners crap about stuff. Just a little side note caveat here. It's very likely that your partner doesn't trust you in one or more ways. If you're always teasing her, always playing grab ass, always playing, always have your hands in her face. Always making fun of, or just joking around or treating her like one of the guys. She might trust you in some other ways, but she might not trust you intimately or sexually or sensually or to not embarrass her. But anyhow, if you have a positive, healthy relationship with the woman that you're involved with, you can even say something like, Hey, I noticed you have a very strong sent down here the last couple times that we've been together. It seems like something might be a little off. We should maybe go have that checked out what a powerful statement. Speaker 0 42:50 Now, obviously you don't want to be in the office while that's happening. She doesn't want you to be in the office while that's happening. But the gesture to say, look, I'm with you through this. I understand it's sensitive can be incredibly loving and rewarding. So the advice is lovingly sweetly, kindly in as calm of a manner. As you can notice. My tone changes when I talk about this stuff, I'm not saying anything remotely close to, oops, that really stinks. You should have that checked out. You should go have that checked out is so dismissive and so rude. Stay away from phrases like that. Most of us know it's very easy for all humans to be turned off by smell. It's something that turns us off right away. Think anytime you've ever been to a gas station bathroom in the middle of the desert or how gross it was when you used to eat fast food. Speaker 0 43:33 When you were a kid, you really have to be careful that your reaction becomes a response to what's happening. You can't have a reaction that crushes someone else's self-esteem. Lastly, I'll conclude by saying, if you're given the choice between continuing to have sex with someone or eat them out and you cannot handle the smell or taste versus having a loving discussion with her about it, diverting your attention to something else or just not being intimate. I would choose not being intimate any day of the week, because it's going to be a hell of a lot more painful. If you can't handle it or something's too strong. And she picks up on this fact and can tell that something is turning you off. Lastly, it shouldn't be too much of a stretch for you to imagine that if someone was having sex with you and they were really put off by something about you, the way you tasted, smelled, look, anything that it would leave. Speaker 0 44:25 Both people feeling really terrible. All right, enough of that talk for the time being let's turn our attention instead to how wonderful and how delicious a woman can taste down there. The possibilities for how good she can taste are infinite. She can taste heavenly. She can taste like water. Or as I once told a lover named Rose like Rose water, some women might taste like nothing at all. She might taste slightly ever so slightly musky, or just like an extension of her own sweet smell of her skin, her natural perfume. Now, while it might be a little exaggerated to say that someone tastes like peaches or strawberries or nectarines, or tastes like honey, although it might be fun to allude to that. A great sentence taste can be absolutely intoxicating, even a neutral one. It can be pleasant, almost sweet smelling sweet tasting. And I think that's one of the reasons why so many people do enjoy it because you know, it's kind of like nectar. Speaker 0 45:27 So while we're on a roll with all this good hygiene stuff, we should talk about your own personal hygiene as a man before going down on her, as well as you may or may not know a woman's body needs to do a lot to maintain that perfect state of homeostasis. If you are reaping the rewards of it, providing that delicious, sweet nectar down there, you also need to contribute to its wellbeing. So what are a few things you can do to be respectful of the peach? Number one, if you don't know what a tongue scrape is, check it out on Amazon or YouTube or Google. It. It's a wonderful, wonderful way of cleaning your tongue multiple times a day. As often as you'd like, it's easy, it's fast, it's effective. And I think that goes miles for a good hygiene to brush your teeth three, wash your hands four, cut your fingernails. Speaker 0 46:15 Five, clean your fingernails. Six, use some mouthwash. And depending on her sensitivity for razor burn, you might even consider shaving. If she's sensitive to stubble, you want to think of the inside of her, kind of like the inside of your mouth. And that's not a place that you want to get scratched up. Shall we say? It's a very sensitive ecosystem in there. So don't you want to give your partner the love, the respect and the benefit of having you be clean. So of course she can trust you more. Of course she can relax into it more and you can be of benefit and service to her rather than a detriment. All right, now we have a base, a good foundation to move forward. When eating her out. If you're really into your partner, you love them. You like them a lot. You find them attractive inside and out. Speaker 0 47:00 You're grounded. You're confident in yourself and in your own skin, maybe after listening to my episode, how to create chemistry from nothing. You realize that you have good chemistry with one another. Now might be a really good time to tell her how you feel about what you're looking at, what you're tasting and how you feel about her. You can do this orally or verbally. This is where you can let her know how sweet she tastes, how delicious she is, how wonderful it feels to taste her, all of these things. These auditory cues, compliments, reassurance go a really long way to make women feel comfortable when you're down there. And the best part of all that is, you actually mean it. And it's true because you like her. Okay? The next point I want to bring up is what arousal does and does not look like in a woman. Speaker 0 47:48 What it does not look like perhaps much to the chagrin of most men is porn. What types of things do you experience when you watch porn or the videos happy, sweet, playful, loving, connected, centered, present is the guy there for her or really into her. Is she actually even coming? Is she enjoying herself? Is she putting on a show? I mean, really? Is anyone doing anything in porn these days that isn't cheating, Kokosing insulting, hurting, sneaking, or sleeping with your step bro, more often than not in pornography, you see two emotions that get expressed regularly, anger and dominance. You hear obscenities, like give me that fucking cock or eat this fucking pussy. They get really aggressive about it. And look, I'm not saying aggressive. Can't be fun in the right context. I'm not saying hot. Isn't fun. It's always great. But the way people talk to each other in these films, my God, with all this, fuck this and fuck that. Speaker 0 48:40 And spit on this and spit on that. Everybody's just spitting on each other and staring at each other angrily. And then the way he eats her out with this rapid fire tongue, just flipping back and forth, all these commands coming out, almost like a military Sergeant. That's really another universe. And most women, I feel like it's safely say most women do not want anything to do with that. There might be glimpses of it. There might be moments of that. You might be able to build them up or open them up to a certain degree where that becomes fun in a moment, but it's not how women want to be treated by default. But for sure it can't go without saying some people like it, rough. Some people want to be dominated and make no mistakes. Some women have absolutely no problem with you laying them down, opening their legs and going right to town without any warmup. Speaker 0 49:27 And it's good to know if you're with someone who's capable of doing something like that. But when it really comes to a great experience, when it comes to being eaten out correctly, properly in the way that it's going to give her the most pleasure or give her the hottest experience, you want to help your girl feel safe and you want to help her relax. First and foremost, when everything's just starting out, you don't want her swearing up a storm or being super tense or heavily arching her back. Think instead of softness, think of her melting into you, melting into the bed. You want to help her get into her own body and out of her head. How do you keep a woman out of her head? You may be asking yourself, how do you keep something from happening? That's very natural. One way as usual is by not doing certain things, such as asking unnecessary questions or things that are gonna pull her right out of her body and back up into her thinking brain questions like, did you come yet? Speaker 0 50:23 Are you there yet? Are you almost there? Are you going to finish Bay? My jaw is hurting. Can you hurry up? These are big. No-nos staring is another one spending too long, looking at her genitals at her face. Uh, certain parts of her body might make her a little self conscious as well. A lack of confidence while you're eating her out can bring a little worry or concern. You not being comfortable in yourself can make her a little uneasy, switching up your technique too often or too frequently or doing something different every 20 seconds can also be extremely distracting to me. A great way to get someone out of their head is to know and understand what their love languages are and give it to them. Technically speaking, we all live in our heads, regardless of whether you'd like to believe that you live in your heart. Speaker 0 51:08 I do believe we can come from a place of love or speak from our heart, but predominantly we live up top and you can't technically get someone out of their head, but you can redirect her attention. And you certainly can shift her focus for me, getting a woman out of her head means a little something different. It has more of a texture of soothing. Her softening her, putting her attention on pleasurable things, being present with her, showing her that you're going to give her a wonderful experience. Being patient, being called, being centered, grounded, and rooted. And now with some really good groundwork like that out of the way, let's come back around to one of the most important fundamental aspects of eating a woman out finally, and only 50 minutes into the episode. What is one of the most important things you can do teasing her out? Speaker 0 52:04 You can tease her. You may remember a little earlier. We were speaking about how you could drive men crazy in really not such a good way by teasing him or by holding back what he wants. But for most women, this is the complete opposite. The more you take your time working your way from the outside in the better. And I often talk about this with my private clients as well. You don't have to start on the furthermost outside parts of the body. For instance, caressing her on her triceps or forearm or giving some extra gentle touch to the it band. The outside of her shin, anything on the external outside of the body can actually be minimized or even skipped when it comes to arousal. Of course, the right kind of touch generally does feel wonderful everywhere. But if you're going for arousal, when I'm talking about teasing a girl, I'm saying you don't have to rub her forearm or shin for five minutes before moving on to another area and get it. Speaker 0 53:00 It's actually the underside of all of our limbs. That feels so good when we're touched and caressed there. And that's exactly where some of the teasing can start. But, and here's the interesting part. This can be tricky too, because some women don't want their tummies touched. Some women don't want their breasts touched right away as a prelude to going down on them or turning them on some women don't like their breasts touched or kissed period. So how do you tease that? Some women don't want their genitals touch right away. Some women don't want their most erogenous zones touched right away. Half the body becomes relatively eliminated. Well, look, of course, it's wonderful to be touched anywhere and everywhere. No doubt. And if you're giving someone a full body massage with oil, for example, don't skip an inch, but our most sensitive areas tend to be everything on the inside. Speaker 0 53:48 The insides of your thighs underneath your arms on your side body. Even as I learned to know, is 17. The backs of your knees anywhere skin is more sensitive and also more personal is almost always going to be more pleasurable when you touch it, caress it or kiss it. And especially when you lick it and you can model what you might do to her down below by kissing or sucking on her clean hands or different areas of her body, like her neck or her ear or her hip or waist, things that are alluding to what you might do a little bit later downstairs along the way. It's just important to pay attention to what people's forbidden areas are. Some people hate anything having to do with having their feet touched or looked at other people, love it. And it's become a fetish, same thing with belly buttons and chins, or having their face touch or even hair touched. And unfortunately, for some women, including women who are incredible shape and unbelievably fit, they don't want their stomachs touch their thighs touch. They don't want anything reminding them or triggering them that in their mind, they're feeling well effectively, fat or unattractive. And for men who are listening, Speaker 0 55:01 It's not really your responsibility or job to come to terms with this or really your work to get over. It's just important that we're sensitive to it and aware of it. But for the women listening, please, please consider this. Let's take the premise that you do want to be eaten out. And maybe you're even hoping to have an orgasm or two or three in the process of it. If you don't want another man diving down between your legs and immediately sucking on your clit and you don't want him even reaching between your legs right away, because it takes a little time to arouse you, but you also don't want him grabbing your boobs or your butt or playing with you there. But then you're also sensitive about having your stomach touched and your thighs touched, but the sides of your arms don't really do anything. And you've got a weave in your hair or you've got makeup on your face, or you don't want someone running their fingers through your hair. And then heaven forbid you want the lights out or you don't want him staring or looking at you where pray, tell, do you want to be touched? Exactly. Speaker 0 55:59 What's going to do it for you sexually. And how can your partner possibly know this? How can he interact with you? How can he really share closeness or hot sacks or some really good eating out with you? If you've got all of these different hangups that you're aware of. Speaker 0 56:17 So I'm certainly not the first person to say that self love and self acceptance is extremely important, but I will say that it's not the easiest thing. I know you don't just say, Oh, I'm just not going to be insecure anymore. I'm just not going to be self conscious, but it's looking for ways to love and appreciate yourself. And I don't want to go too much into it on this episode, but it's not about looking in the mirror, not liking what you see. And then thinking that, just saying you're beautiful. You're beautiful is somehow going to make a difference, self love and self acceptance come in different forms, especially if you're a woman being complemented by a man or being kissed or ravished by a man. If you can get into the vibration, the feeling, the energy of what he's feeling toward you, what he's seeing and feeling through his perspective and through his own eyes is usually very different than what you feel about yourself. Speaker 0 57:07 If you can really tune into that, to his frequency, to what he's seeing and feeling in you, wow, the self love can be really wonderful. So if you're really going to get things going, if you, as a woman want things to be built up and you want to feel really turned on before having a guy go down on you, if you want to be turned on like an oven, rather than an instant match, there has to be permission and an openness towards being able to be touched in different places. And these are things that you should communicate to your partner. Now, teasing is also not what you've seen in every Hollywood movie for the last 50 years. Teasing is not both of you gently closing your eyes at the same time, leaning in for a gentle kiss, a makeout session, then kissing down her chest softly, then past her belly button and then boom, you're eating her out. Speaker 0 57:56 That is so unbelievably predictable. The only time you need to do something like that is if you haven't done it in a long time, and then it might feel very sweet, loving, and romantic teasing is about keeping her guessing, turning her on without touching her Roger in his Sones or grazing over them gently as if you're just passing through as if it was an accidental caress, which stimulates them because you're not obsessed with getting to it staying mostly completely away from her clit, but still teasing it again, grazing a tongue over it, brushing back and forth with it on your fingertips a couple of times, or even using your tongue a few strokes and then moving away somewhere else. Even once you're down there, you can continue to tease her by being on it and then off of it. And then on it not super quickly, but taking your time. Speaker 0 58:47 Now, if you don't know what I mean by being on it, I'm referring to kissing or licking preferably or even sucking on her clit, which is also covered by a clitoral hood. Similarly, even when you're doing your best work down there, it's very important to not dive for that Pearl right away, because it's way too sensitive. Even when you're down on her, you can take your time around the edges, outer labia, the inner labia, even putting your tongue inside of her, kissing different places, using your tongue, fluttering it back and forth over the top, middle and bottom of her clit before finally exposing it and playing with it gently and beginning to suck on it. Teasing can also be wonderful if you're edging her right up to the point of orgasm, getting her built up again and again and again, you're getting her right up to the point where she's going to spill over and then stopping And then building her back up again. Speaker 0 59:47 Now I don't recommend this technique if you're not certain about your own prowess and being able to get her there again and again, or even get her back to her. She was about to come to begin with some women have a very difficult time reaching climax. And even though this technique can help with that, sometimes if they lose it, they have a really hard time getting it back again, because if you put in all this work and then she gets to that point, but can't mentally get over the hump or she has a really hard time getting there that can actually be really torturous. So you should know going into it. Does she come easily? Does it take her a really long time? Is she able to do it herself? Does she need a certain technique to make it happen? And once you decide to go there, then go for it. Speaker 0 00:31 Growing up, you may have heard about the female sexual response cycle, and you may have heard that it can take up to 20 minutes or even an hour to bring a woman to orgasm. Well, by the way, we created our own version of the female sexual response cycle here on the closest podcast. And if you haven't listened to that already, I strongly recommend doing so. It's really hot and spicy. Now, of course, if you're getting closeness coaching already for me here in San Diego, or we're doing virtual sessions online, perhaps we can bridge that gap and get the time it takes for her to come down to five minutes, three minutes, two minutes, 30 seconds. However, getting her to come in 30 seconds or less is not the point. Is it ladies and gentlemen, or is it, this is one of those sexual paradoxes. Do you have sex to have an orgasm? Speaker 0 01:17 Well, many men and women would say, yes, they do that, that final release or that feeling of letting go is what they aspire to for those who are able to have them. It's hard to describe the difference between being so goal oriented and destination driven with the sole purpose of trying to make her come versus enjoying the journey while still being mindful of the destination, knowing where you're going and then likely causing her to spill over. Anyway, some men get so destination driven. They're so fixated on trying to make her come, which when compared to someone who doesn't care about making her come or compared to someone who isn't attentive to her feelings, it's great, but you can steam roll a woman. You can become so fixated on your goal that you forget to enjoy it along the way. And she will even enjoy it last because she feels such a strong pressure to come. Speaker 0 02:09 So we're talking about enjoying the journey, not obsessing on the destination or summarized, enjoy the journey, not destination. Why is that important? Because the moment you reach your goal, whether it's the top of a mountain or financial goal, or simply making her come, it's very natural to just want something else. And then once something else and something else you could even think about the last five or 10 things that you've purchased when you gone shopping, as soon as you get it, you own it. You have it, it's done. And it's onto the next. Nothing is ever the final destination or the end until the end. So consider that an orgasm, which is a wonderful feeling, lasts anywhere between what, two to 15 seconds. Maybe some times if you're lucky, 35 seconds, and then it's just completely done. There's a moment of rest retraction at the refractory period. Speaker 0 03:05 If you will, before you can build up and do it again. Most men after coming lose interest entirely and want to doze off to sleep or go eat a sandwich. What's the point of that. So being goal oriented and thinking to yourself, I need to make her come. I need to make her calm. I need to make her come. I made her come look at how good I am because I made her come. I'm so good at making her come. This is all pure ego. And it certainly isn't the end all be all goal of sex or intimacy. There can be other things there, like connection, trust, communication, laughter, playfulness, sweetness, all number of things. But it's also important to know when you're in that other mood that sort of primal, highly erotic state where you both just really want to come or really need to let go, or you want to release some stress or you're just super turned on or horny or it's that time of the month where you've just got to get some or you don't need all this pretense explanation. Speaker 0 03:59 You just want him to go to town on you. Great far, be it for me to get in the way of that. But when you're enjoying the journey, when you're savoring the process of getting there and you understand that you're already working towards making her come anyway, just by having connected sex with her to begin with, then you can take the pressure off of both of you and savor the experience. So men, the next time you have sex, see if you're capable of doing it without coming from the place of ego or performance, your ability, your skill, how good you are, how quickly you made her come with just your finger or your tongue. Your power is a man that you made her come. You didn't make anything. You facilitated a process. You helped along the way. And it's wonderful. It's wonderful to have a partner who can unlock that in you, but having sex with those types of goals in mind is just one level. Speaker 0 04:53 One very beginning level for how far you can go with connection. So if you get to orgasm, it's great. Do it without adding another notch to your belt, having the upper hand over someone or feeling a sense of control or power, what is the takeaway then from all of this explanation, it turns out that when you don't rush a woman, things come a little quicker and things happen faster. Like everything in life, when you don't push and you don't rush and you don't hammer on it and you're able to just let it go. Not only do things tend to unfold in the way that you want them to, but the journey there is usually a lot more enjoyable. Enjoy the landscape. Look around, savor your time. Being there, imagine you're on a beautiful Eurostar train going from one country to the next in Europe. And you know, it's a long way in between each country. Speaker 0 05:47 Do you just, the moment you get on shut the blinds and try to immediately sleep your way through the entire journey is your mantra while you're riding. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Or do you bask in the glory of the exquisite landscape outside? Do you open the window and breathe in fresh air? Do you take some photographs? Go for a little walk up and down the corridor, have a little snack. Yeah, you enjoy it. You savor it. Then that's half the fun. So give her oral sex for the pleasure of it. Give it to her for the experience of it, give it to her for how vulnerable and beautiful and connected she is. When her thighs are open, looking down at you, give it to her because you savor her taste and you love making her feel good. Give it to her. Like there's nothing in the world that you would rather be doing more and watch what happens. Speaker 0 06:39 Now let's talk about coming for a little bit, girls that come easily, you know, before I say this, you can come, come, come, come and come some more and come all day and make a massive, my restoration hardware, high thread count sheets. But for those who are in the process of finding their first, or maybe it takes you a really long time, or maybe you're able to do it on your own by yourself, but not with someone else yet. This is where you really want to let yourself off the hook with pressure. The idea of putting pressure on yourself to come, perhaps getting worried that your partner might be getting disappointed that you haven't yet. That's a big one for many women getting worried that you haven't letting anxiety build getting stuck after all in your head, but you both can let each other off the hook by simply enjoying the experience. Speaker 0 07:25 As we were talking about earlier in one of the first episodes ever of the closest podcast called having sex with someone new for the first time I speak of this very lengthy list that many women go through when it comes to being intimate with a man, things that men would never even consider often when we're having sex with our own partners, including people who we've known for a while. We have no idea. If she's dealing with shame, self hatred, feeling worthy or not. And if she's had any type of traumatic emotional experience, maybe she's never seen what she looks like down there. Maybe she doesn't even know what her own vulva looks like. Maybe she doesn't even know how to tell you how to please her orally. Maybe she knows how to touch herself, but doesn't know what she likes when it comes to going down. Speaker 0 08:04 Then on the other end of the spectrum, sometimes you'll come across a woman who's very sex, positive someone who's very open and very comfortable with her body and is willing to do almost anything intimate and sexual. And that can be really fun. You can often spend a lot less time thinking about being so cautious or careful and just really be in the moment. You don't have to have this sense of hyper-awareness people often get into when someone's more relaxed or more loose or comfortable or free with sex around you. It's usually a lot easier to be more experimental, more open, more free, and even more playful with the whole experience. You have to be careful though, not to expect all women to be like these types of open women. And so sometimes it's easy. Especially if you came out of a relationship where you guys did everything together and you meet someone new and she says, I don't do that. I don't like that. I'm not touching that. I'm not looking at your service. How not going to be kissing me there? Oh, I don't do that. And I'm not into oral sex. Oh. And by the way, that's not going to happen. Speaker 0 08:59 Some adapting has to happen. So any number of things can come up where it would not be appropriate to say, just relax, take it easy. I'll take care of it. Calm down. Don't worry about it. All of these sort of offhanded brushing off remarks are very inappropriate. When it comes to oral sex, with everything we've spoken about thus far today, it's been a big invitation to having more sensitivity around your partner. It becomes less about what you do and more about how you do it and the absence of things that don't need to be done. Now, can you imagine that none of these negative things and of the don'ts have to come up when it comes interacting with your partner, can you imagine if someone has a lot going on, but when your together, these things don't become active or activated, can you imagine getting someone to such a heightened state of arousal that she can't wait for you to get your mouth on her? Speaker 0 09:57 How do you go about that? Take your time. Breathe. Be present with her. Listen to her, observe how her body's responding to you. Sweet, authentic compliments, looking but not staring, teasing her, building her orgasm up, letting it calm down a little bit and then building her up. Once again, you can also spend time in a good make-out session. You could explore the inner most parts of her body with your fingers or your tongue. You can kiss him, bite her neck. You can run your fingers through her hair. You can pull her hair and you can give her bites. If she likes that some women like soft light, gentle touches, other women like more aggression, and most women respond very well to what I call healthy dominance. This is the idea of a man taking the lead and knowing exactly what he wants to do to her, but is still tuned in enough and sensitive enough to follow her flow, healthy dominance, meaning coming from the heart, not controlling, healthy aggression, leading a woman and taking her can be one of the most powerful sensually and sexually gratifying gifts. Speaker 0 11:04 You can give her, but when it comes to this, there's not a one size fits all solution. It really starts by her feeling safe with you. So much of these teachings, you may have noticed, has to do with getting her to feel comfortable and safe with you. When she knows that she can give herself to fully, Ugh, that's when everything else can happen. And this intern allows you to be dominant with her, but there's permission there, your healthy dominance doesn't force or make her become submissive to you unless you're roleplaying her. Trust her love her safety around. You allows for it to blossom. Speaker 0 11:42 Before we conclude this episode, let's just dive a touch deeper into this idea of healthy dominance. Do you know what your partner's boundaries are before taking her to those edges and limits? A lot of the work we do on the podcast is taking a moment, pausing the audio and coming to your own thoughts and conclusions, because it really helps you clarify what's important. What means what to you? Sometimes you think, you know what something means or you think you have an idea of something, but when you think about it, the whole thing shatters or comes undone. And so likewise, take a moment before finishing this audio to pause and ask yourself, what do you think dominance and aggression is? Are those bad words in your vocabulary? Do you have bad experiences with them from your past? Do you like the way something like healthy dominance and healthy aggression sounds respectful, dominance, respectful aggression. Can the two go hand in hand, if you're a man, what is your vision of a healthy and attractive way to be dominant with a woman? Speaker 0 12:52 How would you go about giving her a powerful sense of being taken or ravished or cherished or adored? What does that look like for you? And if you have a female partner ask her what her version is, invite her to share it with you, compare it and contrast it to yours. Ask her if she likes your version. You may come to the surprising conclusion that in some men they have zero desire to be aggressive with you. Some men find the word dominance to be very disturbing and offensive. Just like some women do. You both may have completely different ideas about what those words mean and what you want to receive from the other person. And this can be very revealing if you're the kind of person who wants, loves and expects some form of dominance or aggression, however, those words land on you at the very least when you're eating a girl out, when you're going down on her, when you're giving her pleasure, taking your time, being present, going slow, building her up. And all of the after mentioned tools in this podcast will help you immensely as you step into part two of how to properly go down on a woman. Speaker 0 14:02 So this has been a really great introductory episode of some of the concepts and things you want to think about and apply while you're going down on a girl. And you do so if after speaking about so many erotic things, you feel like you have to go back and get a refresh on what deep listening is. Feel free to relisten to the beginning or entirety of this episode. It's also wise to sit with some of the things that you've learned before immediately moving on to the next thing that you're going to consume diving into the next episode or watching the next YouTube video, or just even doing the next activity. All right. Thank you for listening. And I hope you enjoyed to learn more about closeness and closeness coaching. You can follow us on our website and get close to us.com. If you've been receiving incredible value from these podcasts, and you'd like to support us by making a onetime contribution, our Venmo is simply at closeness and to join us on YouTube, please go to youtube.com forward slash closeness likes comments and subscriptions are always a measurably. Helpful. Thank you again for sharing your time, presence and energy with me. And I'll see you in part two of how to go down.
