[00:00:00] Welcome to the Closeness podcast, your new sexual Education. We take complex intimate issues and break them down into something you can actually do something with. We'll teach you how to have, in no uncertain terms, better, hotter sex. If you haven't already, please subscribe to the Closeness podcast on the platform in which you're listening to us. And if you'd like to subscribe to us on YouTube, please join us at closeness. If this work has made a measurable difference in your life, you can donate to our Venmo at Closeness or join us on Patreon at Forward slash closeness. Now, are you ready to come closer? Let's get started. My name is Tari and you're listening to part one of how to properly have sex with someone new for the very first time. Parental discretion is advised when you know that you're going to be doing it for the very first time. How do you allow that evening to unfold? What do you do and how do you prepare for it? In the moments leading up to sex, when you aren't physically in a bedroom or somewhere conducive to having it, what do you do? How do you behave? And what are some things to know now? Everything that's about to be shared are just my own personal beliefs and ideas, not the end all, be all way of how to do things. So you can take it as gospel or you can take it with a grain of salt. It's entirely up to you. What this isn't about is telling men and women what they should do, need to do, or how to behave. It's not about mansplaining. This is a conversation, an offering. It's an invitation for both men and women to explore different sides of their sexuality together. So this episode specifically addresses that moment when both people know and have consented to having sex. You have a sense it's going to happen that night. You've decided to come home with each other, or you're at a hotel, or you've gone to a place where sex can occur. And so the following are three tips for him and three tips for her to have a successful unfolding before you get down to action. First of all, mindset when you know that tonight is the night. I personally think that that kind of a situation is an exceptionally rare opportunity. You only get it once and you never get it again. That sense of wonder and unfolding, that curiosity, that anticipation. Of course, the next 1020, 5100 times are exciting too, but usually both people are a little more nervous or a little more on edge. And once you do have sex for the first time, it's usually likely that you're going to do it again and again and again. Often people think of having sex for the first time as being a throwaway session because everyone's too nervous. You're just getting to know each other. But it doesn't have to be that way. So that newness, that excitement, that uncertainty will never again be at its highest place than within these moments. I really want to hone in on this idea of uncertainty. Uncertainty is what creates excitement, but it's also what creates anxiety. And I think this is why people like to get closer and closer and closer, to close that gap, that nervousness, that unknowing of if you're going to be accepted or desired or ravished or loved or liked, or if it's going to go well, is the sex even going to be good? We want everything to go smoothly. So when you're having sex with someone for the first time, all of this is up in the air. And if you can get your mentality right, rather than worrying about it, or making it a throwaway evening, or having to be drunk or on drugs, or worse yet, all of the above and disconnected and unconscious, you don't have to do any of that. And it can actually be extremely, extremely exciting. Of course, this episode is focusing on those very first moments. And without a doubt, as you begin to grow love with someone, sex changes. As you begin to experience your honeymoon phase, sex gets better and better and better. Those are different episodes. Right now, we're looking at the first time. So how do you take care of yourself, and how do you take care of each other?
[00:03:50] Let's take care of the men first. Let's assume for this conversation that you've brought a woman back to your place. You want to be intimate with her, and you feel pretty certain that she wants to be sexual with you as well. She's given you the gift of saying, yes. She's going to come over all by herself and spend some time with you. And that in itself is a bigger gift than you may realize, because she's had to overcome an enormous amount of social pressure to get there. For instance, is this okay? Am I carrying shame or guilt for coming over to your house? Is she thinking that you're thinking that because she's coming over and might have sex with you, that she might be considered in her own words or someone else's words? Certainly not my own, a slut or a whore, or any number of disparaging judgments? Was she raised to not behave like this? Does she have religious beliefs getting in the way? Does she feel like she shouldn't be doing this, but is called or pulled to and is that exciting? Did she recently just have sex with someone else and now feels guilty about doing it with you only moments, hours or days later? Is she exploring something else and wants to see where it's going? Did she just sleep with someone else and now feels some sort of deference or pull towards that other person? Is she feeling involved with him or her? Does she feel like she shouldn't do it with you because she owes the other man in some way her monogamy? Does she trust you yet? Does she know you? Is she even certain if she wants to go down this route? Is it that time of the month? Does she have cramps? Is she in a bad mood? Is it just generally bad timing on her part? Is she fresh out of a breakup and feeling vulnerable? Is she just feeling generally vulnerable? Does she not know who she is or what she wants? Does she not know if she's attracted to you? Does she know what turns her on? Does she have expectations about you and what you should be doing for her?
[00:05:30] Most of the time, these are a small fraction of the things that are going through a woman's mind when she comes over to your place for the first time and sex is on the table. And I'm of the opinion that it's really important to handle this. No matter what kind of electrifying or exciting experience you're going to have with a lot of care, love and nurturing, honoring the other person's position, meeting her where she is, feeling into her something you'll be doing throughout the entire night.
[00:05:57] So when she arrives at your house, what do you do? My number one recommendation is to give her breathing room space. That doesn't mean put 20ft of distance between you, but to not try to crowd her or be super aggressive and assertive until you know that she feels comfortable and safe with you.
[00:06:18] Don't muddy up the first few moments of your interaction with expectations that you may be pushing onto her. Even if you think you're both on the same page, no need to try to force the evening to go in a particular direction. You can set the tone by giving her a warm hug, a kiss hello if she's open to it and inviting her inside. And in fact, this introduction is where so much behavior can be seen and felt immediately. How does she respond when you open the door and you see each other for the first time there? Does she keep her distance? Does she melt into you? Does she wrap her arms around you and embrace you and look into your eyes and give you a full mouth kiss? Does she keep her distance and awkwardly and haphazardly stumble into your house, or worse, pat you on the shoulder and burp you like a baby with a quick that's always charming and delightful? Does she just seem generally happy to be there and gives you a warm, clean, tender hug that lasts a few seconds but nothing extraordinary, and then quickly changes the subject and starts talking to stay up in her head? Does she close off her body language to you and turn her shoulder and press that into your throat or your chest and give you some sort of bone smashing, thorax crushing, awkward side hug? All of these things right off the bat let you know what her vibrational countenance is, what she is receptive to immediately, and what's going to be saved for later or maybe even another day entirely. But you can't know how she feels if you've got an agenda and your energy is stronger than hers. In these beginning moments, even though women love a man who's confident and assertive and often dominant, it's best to be receptive and feel into these moments before you make any first moves, before you've had sex with someone for the first time? Men it is absolutely not necessary to engage in step number two. There is no need to assert yourself with grand overtures, trips to Vegas and Tahiti, lending out your car, giving access to your house. No need to already have tickets ready to the French Riviera. No need to have purchased her elaborate gifts before she's even met you. In fact, there's really not a whole lot of anything you need to do before you've shared your first kiss. Contrary to what maybe even some women would say, who believe that you should be showing it or proving something. Why? Because these big, grandiose gestures put a price on your intimacy and completely shift the power dynamic into something financial. It creates an unfair expectation when it comes to exchange and also puts a lot of pressure on the woman to perhaps put herself in a position that she doesn't want to be in. We always are exchanging some form of energy, whether we do it with money, sex, gifts, time, our presence, our energy. But we're not there yet. In society, where men and women are just bending over backwards for one another to do favors simply out of the kindness of their own heart, without expectation. And as you'll hear in many later episodes when expectations aren't met, that breeds resentment. Now, who wants to have resentment, frustration and tension all created before you've even gone on the first date or before you've had sex for the first time. If a man is demonstrating huge, grandiose gestures to you and you're unclear as to whether it's a friendly gesture or he wants sex and intimacy with you, if you're genuinely having a difficult time understanding whether he's a good natured person or is just trying to get it in the next time he tries to offer to buy you concert tickets, movie tickets, wants to give you special access to the VIP lounge, take you on a trip or travel somewhere or put you on a private jet, vacations to Hawaii, tropic spots, yachts, tickets to Coachella. If there's any doubt in your mind that he isn't doing these things because he wants to have sex with you or a relationship with you, and you're somehow convinced that this is something he's doing amicably, or because he's such a good person, or because it's a kind, thoughtful, gentlemanly gesture, try this. Try inviting a male friend and seeing how well that goes. Or perhaps ask if you can give the tickets directly to him without you being involved at all. And if your man is truly a good Samaritan, he's just helping people out who are perfect strangers such as yourself because you don't really know anything about each other, then he should probably feel comfortable gifting these gifts to your male friends as well. Onward. So grand gestures create imbalance, expectations, an inappropriate shift in the power dynamic, and they carry an enormous disconnect in terms of comfort on both people's part because of the level of expectation as well. A little tongue in cheek, but men, you know damn well that when you're trying to provide these extraordinary experiences, that they carry this hope that something's going to happen and that puts pressure onto your girl. And by the way, no amount of fancy lambos in your garage, dozens of roses, or huge quantities of chocolate is going to make her want to have sex with you. Unless something is already there already. It might help, it might feel good, it might make her smile. But flipping that sexual switch, that feeling where she actually wants and desires you, is not obtained for most people in the universe by gifts. Her love language could be gifts, but she would still have to feel some level of connection to you. I've had women tell me before that men, within the first few minutes of meeting them, invite them out to their boat slip and say, and now I teach you how to drive the boat so you can take out whenever you desire. Are you kidding me? Keys to the boat before you've even met them. Men. Try to imagine being invited to a woman's house, and within the first few minutes of being inside, she throws her car keys at you and says, hey, keys to the bends. Have fun. Take it out anytime you want. Oh, and by the way, here's my laser hair removal machine. If you ever want to do some laser hair removal, whether I'm here or not, help yourself. And you know what? To make it easy, take my house keys, too. Men. We never use words like this, but wouldn't that strike you as a big red flag, someone just throwing all of their possessions in your lap? Wouldn't you be a little caught off guard and think to yourself, what is this woman doing? Would you want to go over to a woman's house who you know nothing about and just use her car, take her things, show up when she's not there, especially if she had other roommates in the house. And by the way, this story of the laser hair removal machine isn't actually a true story that another man offered one of my exes. So trying to prove oneself with your toys, your money, your gestures, it definitely works on some women, and it kind of does the same thing that people have been doing throughout the ages. It demonstrates status. And some people do like this few, but some. Or it screams, please like me and listen. I'm the first person to want to provide a wonderful experience for a woman when we're on a date or before or after we've had sex. I love doing wonderful things for them within a certain context and with class and with time and with letting her get comfortable with you. And there's so much more in the connecting between you two than the elaborate shows of wealth. Now, I'm not trying to counteract the ability to provide, which many women do, in fact want and many women do look for. But if that's how you want to start off each of your relationships, with demonstrating what you'll be providing, you're going to be providing and providing and providing for a very long time. The idea is looking at what you lead with right out the gate. When you see a woman show up in heels with her chest out and her hair done and red lipstick on, and she looks like she's ready for sex, you know, she's leading with her sexuality. When you lead with money and ability, and we can do whatever you want and spend, spend, spend, that's kind of how you're setting the tone. I could just imagine a percentage of people listening to this and being like, yeah, all of that sounds really great. But as much as women want to have someone who provides in their life, going about it by showing off or in an ostentatious way, or just endlessly giving is usually unattractive to women. At the same time, obviously it must be working for some people. I know many women who, when hunting for men, look immediately at their shoes or their watch or their car, and it lets them know the level of wealth they have and whether they'll be engaging with them sexually or not. But you also have to ask yourself, is this how you want to start a relationship, based on what you earn and what you make? So all of this to say that when a woman comes over, allow her to be in your space and acclimate to your surroundings without needing to prove do explain.
[00:14:34] Let her be the one who gets curious about you. Let her try to figure you out a little bit. You maintain your comfort, your receptivity, your grace, your charm. What else can you do? Physically speaking? You can make your bed, you can clean up the house, you can get the place looking stellar for her arrival. You can make some appetizers or her d'oeuvres, or better yet, prepare something for her when she's there. So you can either do it together or she can watch you do it. You can talk to her, look at her, flirt with her in genuinely and authentically get to know her and share some of who you are. See what you can do to make her feel safe without being boring, comfortable and at ease without wanting to leave. Because the thing is sadly still in women's minds to this day. You've heard it before and you'll hear it again. I don't know who you are. You could be an axe murderer. You could be a serial killer. I don't like even using those words and hearing things like that can be very challenging because you know you're a good person. You're not going to do those things, you're not rapey. But it is really healthy once in a while to put yourself in a woman's shoes and recognize that you likely are physically much stronger than she is. She's coming into a space she's never been before, and she also hopes to get out of that space. These are the kind of things that as men, we never think about, we never have to consider. So the point being, recognize that for her to be there with you for the first time alone, one on one, that is a gift and it can be really appreciated. Versus being pushy, trying to obligate her into something or force her into something. The tricky thing is almost all women love for an evening to effortlessly unfold. They want it to just magically happen with no effort. No one tried to do anything. But what women don't often know is that to create that experience, men often have to choreograph it step by step. What women often perceive as something just happening naturally, their favorite word, it just naturally happened, is actually a strong intention of a man trying to find every way he possibly can to allow things to unfold effortlessly, to make it comfortable for you, to make you want to move forward to the next step. So it's the nature of being a man and being a woman. And yes, men have to think about it and orchestrate and choreograph and try to figure out how to move the evening in the best way possible for both people. But there's a way to tactfully and tastefully do it while allowing space for what she wants and how she feels versus steamrolling.
[00:17:07] Let me share a few things with you that I personally enjoy doing when I know a woman's coming over and it seems like we're likely going to have sex. I love cooking something that really highlights my abilities in the kitchen. Sharing food together is often one of the quickest ways to a woman's heart, and truthfully, other places as well. If you know how to make something that makes her eyes widen, that makes her say, this is so good, then things are looking very good for you. When you cook something for someone, it has the beautiful sensation of making them feel like they're being nourished or looked after. Well fed women love to know that you've put thought behind creating something special for them. It doesn't even have to be a big deal. It could be something as simple as unplating takeout from the plastic containers and putting them into real plates on placemats and having dinner that way. Women also like to feel like it's something that you don't do for everyone or all the time, which is actually something that's very difficult to accomplish because if you're good at something, it's likely that you've had to practice it to become good at it. So how do you do it in a way that still makes her feel special? And then when it comes to being intimate with someone, there's the whole cleanliness factor. Have you showered today? Have you cleaned yourself up? Have you made yourself look presentable? Have you combed your hair? Do you smell good? Have you clipped your nails? Have you washed your hands so that if you wind up touching her or kissing her? You smell clean and fresh, and you keep her clean and fresh and don't cause her an unwanted yeast infection or other unfortunate growth such as bacteriovaginosis. Are you not wearing flip flops and board shorts and a T shirt? Are you doing simple things that demonstrate you took some time to get ready for her when she came to see you? It's not really a guy thing, but women do appreciate it. And how would you feel if she just showed up looking frumpy in baggy sweats, unshowered, smelly hair, greasy skin? Would any of that be appealing to you? Obviously not.
[00:19:01] All right, number three, let's talk about some sexual intimacy. Let's get into kissing. This may come as surprising news, but there's actually no need to spend the good part of your evening trying to kiss her, much less trying to have sex with her. Why do you suppose? Because when the energy's already there, you don't have to try. You know what to do. You feel it. You feel her receptivity towards it. But if you find yourself in a position of constantly angling and trying and figuring out how to kiss, it means that the mood isn't quite right yet. When you're trying to kiss a woman, it's a very strange push and pull. Are you fighting over something? Is there resistance? Do you have something she wants, or does she have something you want, or do you both want this together? Does your desire for it make her want to give it to you less? Does it create a negative tension or resistance that makes things feel uncomfortable? Now, if it's a good sexual tension, both people are getting excited. You could see her getting nervous in a good way, flushed and turned on by it. That's teasing. That's building the tension up. But to spend a good majority of your evening trying to get there, it means you're not fully present with her through everything else. If you're going to be doing some eating or hanging out, or even if it's something silly like watching a movie or just chatting, if your mind is always on the prize, on the prize, on the prize, you miss the entire rest of the opportunity to make her feel more comfortable, safe and receptive to you, which is going to feel much better for both of you once you start to be intimate. You want her to want you to be ready, for you to be hungry, for you not to let you kiss her, let you take her clothes off. You want there to be an equal level of excitement.
[00:20:41] Yes. As a man, you're generally going to have to drive it in that direction and move it in that direction. So let's really explore this. Have you ever been on a date with a woman and she's in your house, things are going well. She's sticking around and lingering. She's being really sweet. You're talking, communicating, having conversation. Things are light. She's smiling, maybe even laughing. But nothing sexual is happening. It feels intimate, but there's no sexual energy. This is a great spot to be in. Notice that it doesn't have heat or that sexuality yet.
[00:21:17] Can you zone into how it feels when something does feel sexual and what it feels like when it doesn't? Because the secret is, when it doesn't feel sexual, that's your cue to continue having a great time together. It's your cue to laugh, smile, connect more on an authentic level. Because the more comfortable you both are, of course, the more likely she's going to want to be intimate with you. When she sees who you really are and she sees that she can open up and express herself and feel safe around you, these are the kind of moments that you can really savor, where you can build up more flirtatiousness, more anticipation, more teasing, along the lines of not having to go in right for the kiss. There's so many other things you can do. Eye contact, touching, caressing, massages if it's an option, but the space right before you have sex where it hasn't quite turned sexual, but you're feeling into it. These kind of moments are magical. You could learn a lot about her body language, how she carries herself, the way she looks at you, her touch, what she responds to simply by watching and observing. And there's more you can do if the mood doesn't feel quite perfect yet. Cuddling, laying on each other, embracing, eye gazing, caressing, fondling, teasing, touching, playing, joking. It can also be an incredibly stimulating conversation, because if you don't know this person, you don't know their love language yet. Touch, for example, might not be the first thing that they need to be able to connect sexually. They might need to be able to express themselves and talk. She might enjoy it if you show her a new skill or show her something you're good at. So even though as men, we're goal oriented, it's letting the moment unfold anew over and over again. And even if things seem like they might not be going well just a little bit, it can be very easy to make them go well again simply by not acting weird or super aggressive or super overconfident, or arrogant or shutting down completely, or deciding you don't know what to say, or losing your cool, or talking about yourself excessively. See if you could find some questions to ask her that help her open up and share about herself that you'd actually like to know. When she's asking questions about you, maybe rather than saying, what about you? Pick something similar or along those lines that you'd actually like to know. Something I do continuously is feeling into the moment to take her temperature. How hot is she? How excited is she? Is she feeling turned on and I'm the one moving too slow? Or can I slow down more and take a few breaths and not be in such a rush? Does she want me to take the lead? Does she need me to take the lead? Does she need space to express herself without me getting in the way? There's always an adaptation that's going on with two people, two different energies, two different vibrations. And even though the person with the strongest energy can overpower the other one, that's not what we're going for here. We always have to defer to her receptivity and what she's open to do. We'll get into a lot of those subtleties in future podcast episodes. Deep listening. How to really tune into a woman. But masculinity, aggressiveness, dominance is almost inevitably not what you think. It's not what it appears to be. Sometimes it's more about listening and feeling and being present than doing anything at all.
[00:24:35] All right, now for the ladies listening. Let's say you're with a man, one on one and alone in an intimate situation, and he puts his hand on your leg or your thigh. You're not uncomfortable with this, but you're not sure if you wanted to progress or not. If you're comfortable with him and you like being there and you like him, then I'd like to invite you to not shut down every single one of his attempts and gestures in the moment that it happens. If you're able to just allow the moment to breathe a little bit. What do I mean? Often, women in intimate situations for the first time love to shut everything down. They'll take his hand and move it somewhere else. They'll quickly slap his hand or quickly put their hand on his hand, even if they're curious, but they're just not ready yet. Instead, give it a chance, if you feel safe and comfortable, to see what's going to happen next. If anything, maybe he's just going to caress your leg for a little while or put his hand on your thigh. Maybe it feels good. Maybe you can see if it doesn't give you anxiety if you want it to continue. It's such a funny paradox because women know that you don't want men to just grab you and rip all your clothes off. Well, when you don't know them, usually there has to be some safety and security and consent established first, right? So often it's these very beginning things that have to happen. A little touch, a little caressing, some preening and pruning, some hair brushing, some running your fingers through your hair. Kind of like taking your temperature to see if you're ready or would like to be warmed up, even if you don't think you're ready for sex yet. And this is a bit of a double edged sword when I'm going to explain here. I don't think as a woman it's safe or smart to put yourself in a situation one on one with a man if you're not feeling safe, comfortable and ready to be intimate with him and have sex, period. At the same time. I also believe that it's very likely that if a man begins to be sexual with you, he is most probably going to progress and progress and progress as you allow it. And especially if you're doing things back, or especially if you seem like you're liking it. But that doesn't mean that that's how it has to go. And it doesn't mean you can't speak up. It doesn't mean you can't guide it in your own direction, request for it to take a different turn, lead a little bit yourself. And it certainly doesn't mean you can't say, feels really good. But can you stay in this area or can we just touch lightly over here? It doesn't mean you have to have sex for any reason whatsoever. It does not mean you have to have sex because he wants to. It doesn't mean you have to have sex because he doesn't want to inhibit himself or hold back. There's no obligation on your part to be having sex. And it also doesn't mean that you have to have sex simply because he's touching and caressing you in one area or kissing you in another area, or that you can't have a nice makeout session and just let that be that. So as one possible offering, I'm letting you know that you don't have to shut the whole thing down to be clear that you don't want to go further. You can still have enjoyable. Intimacy is ultimately what we're talking about. Other forms of intimacy.
[00:27:50] We are talking about a very specific way of having sex here, which is what I believe to be the safest and the easiest and the most comfortable for everyone. Where you're both communicating, you're reading each other's signs, you're tuning into one another, you're listening, and you're not rushing it. There certainly are other types of sex to be had, more aggressive or rough, assertive or forward, if you both know and agree and understand that that's what you like. And sometimes you can skip all of these steps altogether because that primal, carnal side of both of you has awakened. And that's a lot of fun. It's very exciting. But again, when you've just met someone and you don't know them that well, for those who are tasked with having to make the first move and be the assertive one in risk not just rejection, but hurting you or alarming you or upsetting you, we really have to be careful. It's tricky territory to navigate. But here's where I'm going with much of this. You certainly don't want to find yourself in the place where you're saying, unless I'm having sex, that's the only time I want to be touched. Let me say that again. Don't touch me, don't caress me, don't get close to me, don't rub my thighs, don't play with me, tease me, turn me on, unless we are literally having sex. Is that true for you? Is that true for anybody? Do you only want affection and love and care and attention when someone's having sex with you? I would venture to say it's the complete opposite. Almost everyone wants intimacy and love. Don't you want more than sex? Don't you want to be cuddled, cared for, touched, adored? When you shut down sensual gestures that could be sexual but don't have to be, you're not only robbing yourself of the opportunity to experience it, but you're basically saying, I only want sex, or I don't want any touching at all. And I don't think that's the message most of us want to send. Although, admittedly, I did once come across a Russian girl who was so hell bent on having it be sex only. Any overture of my part to connect with her, to be sweet, to see how her day was, to see what she was up to, to ask about her personality, not even necessarily small talk, deep talk, real talk, and a little small talk. All of that was met with completely, 100% shutting me down offensively. I mean, you would have thought she had zero interest whatsoever. But then, to my shock and amazement, when she came over, her attitude was very, so we are going to do this or what? What are we waiting for? It was closed off. Sex, sex, sex for a couple of hours.
[00:30:22] Obligatory. Two minutes of cuddling, to which she actually said, this is comfortable, this is nice. And then it was done for several minutes until we went again, quite literally, wham, bam, thank you, man. It was very businesslike and very professional. I was surprised I didn't get handed a bill when we were all done. This really challenges the notion of what women are typically like when it comes to how they have sex. And if you're carrying the burden of romanticism that there's someone specific you should be with, or sex has to happen a certain way, then sometimes these experiences can't unfold. And admittedly, despite it being so abrupt, I was surprised. I wasn't ready for it. I was completely expecting something a lot more gentle and sweet. But we actually wound up doing it a few times, and it was really, really great. I had to really shift my mentality around what was possible. I think what was throwing me for a loop with her was she was behaving as though she was someone who didn't want to be there or was there, but wasn't sure why she was there. In her behavior up until we were having sex, that made me really take a step back. That doesn't make me say, oh, I think I'll be more assertive. That's when I want to give someone space. And to be clear, if you find yourself alone with someone, if you don't want to be there, you shouldn't be there. And if you feel so uncomfortable that you don't want this person touching you in any way, shape, or form, you definitely shouldn't be there. But everyone has very different tastes and desires, and a night does not have to go a certain way. It doesn't have to be romantic. It doesn't have to be hot and passionate. It doesn't have to be mild and boring. It can be whatever you want. It could be really intense and really assertive, or it can be gentle and loving and kind and sweet, and you can flow in and out of these things if both of you are willing to go there to open up and to listen to each other, if you do like him and you're just not sure how far you want to go. Boundaries are very healthy, as long as you mean them and want to enforce them and not put them up a little bit and then let him overcome them and then put them up a little bit because that's breeding mistrust on both people's parts. There's something I often share with my private clients, and I'll give it to you here as well. If you're a woman and you know you're prone to changing your mind or wanting something and then not wanting it, or not wanting it and then wanting it, it's really good to set boundaries that aren't so harsh, solid and concrete. Because in a man's mind, that often makes you look like a liar or someone who doesn't know what they want or someone who doesn't know what they're talking about. And it perpetuates the need for men to keep trying and trying and trying because they know that if they just stay with it long enough, you're going to change your mind. And that's not something we want in our society. We don't want men to be so pushy that if they just keep pushing, pushing, pushing, they're either going to break you down or bring you to a new opinion. And I have to throw in a caveat here, because there are women who actually get more turned on when a guy shows her that he really wants her by being pushy. And so this becomes, again, tricky territory to navigate. But all of this is a general rule. You want to do what you want to do because you're inspired to do it. It feels good. It comes from within. And so if you're someone who changes their mind frequently or doesn't know what they want, I strongly recommend that you give a lot of thought and care to how you communicate your boundaries and maybe even saying something up front. Look, I know that I don't feel like this now. I could be open to it later rather than saying something like, we're not having sex tonight, or I definitely am not going to be having sex with you, that communicates the wrong message. Unless you're definitely not going to be having sex that night.
[00:34:02] Similarly, on the other side, also being able to communicate, hey, I'm really into this, I like this, I like you. But I may need to shut this whole thing down because I'm still working through some stuff. Emotionally is so much better than starting to have sex with someone and then finishing when you don't want to, or starting to have sex with someone and then letting them finish because you feel guilty or bad about it, or having sex with someone and then shutting the whole thing down out of the blue. And he's completely at a loss for why it's happening now. The flip side, if you find yourself in a situation that you genuinely don't want to be in, you really need to just leave. Leave, get oUt. You got to go, you got to run. Goodbye, run out the door, whatever it is. But we don't have to go. Zero to 100. What's an example of vocalizing your discomfort?
[00:34:50] Hey, I really like this connection and I like your touch, but I'm not really ready to go where you're going yet. Can we slow down a little? I like the way this feels, but it's too much too quick. Let's touch each other. Only give each other massages. Make out a little bit more. Can you touch my hair? Can I just cuddle up to you and put my head on your chest? Can we just talk a little bit more? Can you just hold me? Can you just touch the outside of my legs? Can you just touch the inside of my legs, but not between my legs? There's a lot of space and room between sex and intimacy, even though the two of them often fuse together. You can have fun, you can connect, you can be intimate without having to be sexual if you're not there yet. And then finally, ladies, know yourself, know who you are, what you like, what you don't like, what's too much, what's not. Men really enjoy women who go there, who give themselves, who express themselves sexually. And yes, some men love the innocence, but more often than not, no one wants to hear that. You can't believe you're doing this. You can't believe you're doing this for the very first time. You never thought you'd be doing this at this point. That's what every girl says. Or worse yet, I know myself. And once I get started, I know I'm not going to want to slow down. So I'm going to go ahead and not do this with you. This might be a little bold to say, but ladies, really hear this again, just spoken a little differently. I know if I go further with you, I'm not going to want to stop. I know I'm going to want to go all the way. In fact, I'm turned on just thinking about it, so therefore I'm going to stop.
[00:36:21] I know what I'm about to do with you, or could do with you, feels really, really good. And I want it, but I'm not going to do it. Why are you doing this? What are you trying to avoid? What are you trying to deny yourself or your partner of? And is it a valid reason? Why are you denying yourself pleasure if you do really like the idea of doing it because if it's just something that feels more like a mental hiccup or a habit, or what you're accustomed to doing in the past, or a protective mechanism that doesn't really serve you anymore, rather than a true lack of desire to connect with another person, well, if the shoe fits. I'm a big fan of listening to your body and following your intuition. I like the option of leaning into it, and then if something at all feels off, then by all means pull back a little bit or set a boundary.
[00:37:12] Number five for the ladies. Do you truly believe that asking someone 50 questions, rapid fire and back to back that are so general, so common, and so ultimately unimportant in the scheme of things, aka basic does asking countless questions really make you feel comfortable, safe and horny? Or does it just feel like you're filling the dead space? Are you doing what you do with everybody, including strangers? Do you ask questions because you think it makes you feel more comfortable, but you don't even care about the answers? Do you do it because talking makes you feel comfortable, but you talk over anyone else and it makes the whole situation feel uncomfortable because you're just talking and talking and talking. After hundreds of times of being subject to small talk and endless questioning, where are you from? What do you do? What do you like? How do you get along with your family? Sure, it gives me a few details about you, but do I feel more sexually attracted to you or more connected to you, or like we have a stronger connection? No, I don't really have a sense of who you are. When we play 20 or 50 questions, unless they're extremely thought provoking and deep depth connection. Feeling it, it can come from communication, but not typically the way we go about it with rapid fire questions. It comes from really listening, really feeling into one another and understanding a person or communicating with body language.
[00:38:38] So does verbal back and forth dialogue make you feel actual chemistry with someone else, or are you just talking, talking for talking's sake, talking at people, talking unconsciously, going on and on and on without letting your partner, your friend, or your lover, or your husband or your wife get a word in edgewise? Or does talking turn you on, get you wet, make you feel excitement? In my coaching practice, I don't find that when people talk and talk and talk in one direction, when someone's just talking at another person, that they're getting turned on in the slightest. They're just up in their head, rambling. Over the years, we've all had friends, family, lovers. In my case, of course, clients and exes as well, who, once they start talking, I don't know how else to say it, they quite literally just never slow down. They never stop talking. And I'm not talking about something that needs to be expressed, a story, something she's got to get off her mind or her heart, or obviously a client who has something very important and vulnerable to share in those times. Of course, by all means, express as much as you need to. This is something different. This is when people start talking. From the moment you get in front of them until the moment they go home, or until the moment you somehow magically start being intimate. You can imagine what a drain this can be on a man's energy, much like the way women often find it draining when a man just talks about himself or how great he is for a long time and listen, I'm not talking about the fact that women are social and women connect more through talking, and women express themselves more and love to connect more. All of that's beautiful. Fine. I love that. Obviously, if you've listened to any of this podcast, you know, I'm a pretty wordy fellow myself, so it's really critical to hear here, hear here, hear here. I'm not talking about not talking or having to always be short or censor yourself or tell you how much you can and can't talk. But there are some people who just don't know when to stop, and frankly, never stop until they exhaust themselves. There have been times where, say, for instance, a girl has come over to spend the night, perhaps even to have sex for the very first time. I know we're going to be sexual in some way. I have space for if a woman is anxious, nervous, doesn't know what to do, so she talks to feel better. I have space for someone who is working through things to get more comfortable with me, it's beautiful. But oftentimes that will flip from an actual dialogue or storytelling back and forth to what I can only describe as expressing and expressing and expressing, and then telling one story after another and another and another, to the point where I'm either wide eyed and I can't even believe what I'm hearing, and I can't even say more than Aha. Oh. Sometimes this kind of talking can knock men out, put them right to sleep as if they've just had an orgasm. Sometimes, including in my own experience, people will call me or people will call men in my practice, and from the moment the man says hello, they start talking.
[00:41:53] 20 minutes straight, no pause, 50 minutes straight. It's what I would describe almost as going unconscious, not being present. Ladies, you know how much you hate it when a man's not present with you. This would be your kryptonite getting way too lost in your head. And ladies, because you're able to go down so many paths, so many tunnels, you're able to keep track of so many things at once. I mean, look, I'm even a man who's capable of doing that. I actually can keep track of all the little wormholes that you're creating and all the avenues that you're going down that have oftentimes, not always, nothing to do with what we're actually talking about. And I think what often happens is people want to express all the detail. They want to share the whole story. They want to break down all the teeny weeny little facets, and one thing leads to another, to another to another, and then you're off and you're just lost. And if you've ever had A man say, wait, what? Or where are we? Or he looks like he might pass out at any moment, or you've caught yourself and you yourself have said, I think I'm rambling, or I'm just going on and on, or let's take a breath. You know, that that's happened to you too. Doesn't make you a bad person, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. And it doesn't mean you can't talk and express yourself however you'd like. But the talking nonstop, without any pause or break or even acknowledgment of your partner or reflection to see if the person is even with you anymore. That can be really tricky when it comes to having sex with someone for the first time or a thousandth time.
[00:43:18] So before taking anything personally or feeling bad about this, you can actually reflect. Do you know someone, a man or a woman, who you've often said, this person never shuts up? Or once you get them going, they can't stop? Have you ever met a perfect stranger who has come up to you and just started talking and talking and talking, and after 5 seconds, you can't wait to get out of there because you don't even understand why he's sharing that with you. So is your communication helping you? Is it helping both of you? Are you growing and connecting? Or are you just talking at your partner like a wall? Are you using them as a word receptacle? Talking is a quality. It's not unique to women. There are men who can go on and on and on as well. We know them, so what can you do about it? If you think this might be you, notice when you're losing the person. Notice when you lose connection with them, and even when you lose connection with yourself when you get a little flighty in your explanations. If you catch yourself at all, try asking him or her a question back. Or let the conversation have a natural unfolding. If someone picks up the phone and you're talking to them for 15, 2060 minutes straight without taking a breath and without them having contributed anything to the conversation, I would say it's really worth trying to catch yourself, really worth observing and maybe asking for your friend's feedback. Or if you have a phrase they can say that you don't mind. Hey, I know sometimes I go on and on. Just stop me by saying da da da da da da dam. Create some language that feels gentle and soft to you, that you can hear. Let there be silence. Allow there to be a pause. All of this will do wonders for sexual chemistry, for your sex life, and for the way people treat you intimately.
[00:45:04] Now that entire last section has been very heady. Feel the difference between that and the following words.
[00:45:18] How about if we put our attention on the way he looks at you? The slow, connected time you're taking to talk to one another, the excitement from being in each other's presence. The sound of his voice watching how he moves, watching his care for you, feeling how he touches you. Getting excited at how he's looking at you. Perhaps being a little theatrical or emotional or excitable. Allowing yourself to be in your feminine, letting yourself enjoy being looked at and admired and appreciated. Some of my favorites are the way she looks at me, the way she authentically laughs or touches me. Enjoying how comfortable she is in her own skin when she's calm and rooted and centered, and how open and receptive she is, her ability to maintain eye contact. I find these powerful indicators of closeness and intimacy. I feel like it allows me to really get a sense of someone and how they feel about me rather than what sport I play or if I've been to Mexico, as always, and with so much of what I share and teach, an invitation to feel more into the moment and not so much being caught up in your head or information gathering. As you've listened to all of this, how do you feel about it personally?
[00:46:36] Did you love it? Is there a voice in your head that wanted to correct me or wanted to scream? Do you authentically believe that? Not consciously talking or consciously having communication, but mindlessly and endlessly speaking. Is that what creates sexual chemistry inside your own body? What comes up for you as you listen to this? Can you take something from it? Can you apply something into your own life that will help you? Are the things in here that, whether or not you agree completely, you can still take home and try tonight if you think it will make a difference in your life. Questions are one of the best ways to get to know someone in life, in relationships, and in business. I would never suggest that you shouldn't ask anyone questions. And in fact, there's always an appropriate time and place for small talk. Small talk is a very essential component to societies, but I don't think it's what we're looking for here. It doesn't often create an electric spark between two people, unless it's really, really intense conversation, which I find to be very rare. Chit chat often just keeps the mood comfortable and light. But I'd like to invite you to consider an unusual quote. You don't have to take it as gospel, but former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt is attributed to sharing it. And it goes something like this. Great Minds discuss ideas, average Minds discuss events, Small minds discuss people.
[00:48:00] It even sounds good if you read it backwards. Small Minds discuss people, average minds discuss events, and great minds discuss ideas. I get it. Sometimes it's fun to talk about who's dating who, who's fucking who, what the Kardashians are doing in Taylor Swift's new album. Sometimes it's nice to talk about the concert you went to, or where you had dinner last night. But how can you take thought where it hasn't been before?
[00:48:31] If you ever meet me one on one in a social situation, that's the number one way to keep me stimulated and awake, is taking an idea and exploding it past the limit of where you've ever talked about it before, exploring it, dissecting it, or pushing it to a place where it hasn't been spoken about before, in my reality or yours. That is exciting for me, anyway.
[00:48:55] But consider what adding a little moment of silence does in between your communication, the way you look at each other, how it gives space for you to explore each other through touch, body language, eye contact, caresses, squeezes, love versus mindless chatter.
[00:49:24] And that's going to do it for part one. We'll continue this podcast in part two, starting with kissing, coming up next on Closeness.
[00:49:36] Thank you for listening. As you begin to move through these podcasts, I hope that they impact you on a profound level and that they make a measurable difference in your life. If you love this sort of thing private Oneonone or two on one coaching is the way to go. It's available with me in San Diego. Or we can work together online. Check out our website, getcloseness.com, to learn even more about closeness coaching. And if you love what you've been hearing and you're looking for a way to give back or contribute to the podcast, please consider donating our
[email protected] closeness. I'll look forward to talking to you in the next episode. Thanks for listening and have a great day.
