Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Welcome to the Closeness podcast, your new sexual Education. We take complex intimate issues and break them down into something you can actually do something with. We'll teach you how to have, in no uncertain terms, better, hotter sex. If you haven't already, please subscribe to the Closeness podcast on the platform in which you're listening to us. And if you'd like to subscribe to us on YouTube, please join us at closeness. If this work has made a measurable difference in your life, you can donate to our Venmo, which is at closeness, or join us on Patreon at Slash Closeness. Now, are you ready to come closer? Let's get started. My name is Tari, and you're listening to part two of how to have sex with someone for the first time. This, like most episodes, contains explicit content and listener discretion is advised. If you recall, during the last episode we were discussing kissing, and that was about as far as we got when it comes to physical contact. We were discussing how there's no need to rush into it, but rather by allowing things to unfold and allowing your friend to feel comfortable with where she is, that more exciting things could unfold a little easier. And I began to make these strong recommendations around kissing because of what an intimate practice it is. In fact, for many people, it's easier for them to have sex with someone than it is for them to kiss them authentically or to have a really intense makeout session. In fact, if I were to personally rate things on their level of intimacy, I would say sex has the capacity to be the least intimate. If given the choice between sex, kissing, and then I would rate oral sex on a woman as being one of the most intimate things you can do with her. Sometimes women have a challenging time getting out of their own heads and into their bodies. So when someone's in their head or her head is on your head, and you're really up close and personal with someone, it can be a little much. But there are other ways to be intimate that don't have to involve a heavy makeout session or even tongue, and they don't even have to lead to sex. So depending on your partner's comfort level, when you've come together with someone and you're thinking about being intimate, you can explore some of the following running your lips gently over her cheeks, running your fingers through her hair, softly brushing her hair. If she likes having her face touched, you could find ways to softly caress her face or even give a gentle face massage. I've even traded facials with girls before. That's been fun. Another way you can share intimacy is looking lovingly into each other's eyes for a little bit without moving in for the kiss or looking intensely into one another's eyes for a bit, creating heat and a buildup.
[00:02:41] And I think women are so used to having men always go in for the kill. Always go in for the kiss. Because sometimes when men will go in even without the intention of kissing them, they'll turn their head away because they're not ready yet. And remember, we're talking about a time where it's already been established that both people are interested in one another. So she wants intimacy, but kissing feels like a little much. So it's always nice to have alternative things to do and not be in a hurry to do. So where I want to go next is to discuss a little bit about how a man has to initiate and why. But before I do, I would really love for women to consider something unusual. I like to invite you to consider if women were more clear on what they like, what they want, what they're open to doing that night, possibly even in explicit detail, what they might want to explore without feeling guilt and shame around it, such as saying a simple sentence like, hey, I'm really open to making out tonight, or I'm totally down to have oral sex, but I don't want to have penetrative sex tonight. You can say, hey, what about having just some nice naked cuddles, caressing, fondling and maybe not going all the way? Or I'm actually really down to have sex tonight, but I'd really like things to move at my pace. Or hey, I am actually really down to have sex, but I know I've got this hang up, or I've got this insecurity or this worry. And I want to make sure it's handled with compassion or with heat or with passion. Articulating things like this is so powerful because instead of leaving the man guessing and wondering where you are, we're clear. We're talking, of course, about the time when sex is about to happen. When you both have the intention to do something intimate or be sexual. So you're already in a position where you're receptive and open, and you've already moved past the preliminaries of Do I like this person? Am I curious? Do I want to be alone with them? And then instead of having to set harsh boundaries, we can explore is something malleable? What are your hard nose? What are you excited about? Rather than having and expecting the person to read your mind or simply tolerate what he's doing, whether you like it or not. And listen, I know sometimes there's excitement in that. I know there's excitement in just letting it unfold and letting things happen to you. And hopefully it's really good. But in these first moments, you'll hear me say time and time again, it's really critical to be on the same page, to not mind read, to communicate clearly, to know if the timing doesn't feel perfect, that you have other options. I personally really appreciate a woman who's more clear, more obvious, more direct, more intelligent with her emotional and sexual intelligence in some. I love when a woman speaks up. If we don't know what's on the other side of our assertion, our making the first move, it can be really tricky. And we're hoping that you're going to like it. We're hoping that what we do is something you're also going to want to do. But when you're more transparent and you demonstrate your own sexuality, your own aggression, your own desires, it's hard, right? We're not raised that way. I hear from a lot of women you don't want to be perceived as being slutty or being easy or acting like you want it too much. And you also find it very unattractive when a man demonstrates that he likes it too much. But what I find is that the tables have really turned too much in one direction. Rather than both people showing and expressing their sexuality, you have the man pursuing and pursuing and pursuing and pursuing, and the girl just taking all the attention, all the compliments, all the looks, all the aggression. And if she doesn't want it, then she just harshly rejects, no, you're not getting any. Nope, we're not doing this. Nope, we're not having sex tonight. Nope, we're not doing anal. It's not a conversation, it's not a dialogue, it's not a connection. It's just this man trying and trying and trying, and a woman haphazardly saying, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. But no one knows what she really wants. Does she even know what she really wants? So one of the things men can do, of course men can ask, what do you want? But more importantly, women, do you know what you want? Do you know how to ask for it? Do you know what turns you on? Do you know what spots you like to be touched? Do you know the kind of experience you want to have? Do you know how to say no? Do you know how to back things up? Do you know how to speed them up? Do you know how to ask for it if you want it to be more intense or rough or aggressive or more loving instead of just not that. Not that. We're not going to be doing this. We're not going to be having sex tonight. What would feel good and what would feel right? If you believe that you are contributing towards the tone that men have toward women, what do you prefer? Would you like us to think of you as a mysterious, unknown surprise bag of who knows what and we have no idea what's going to happen. Sometimes a tumultuous storm, sometimes a rainbow, sometimes total love and acceptance. We have no idea what's going to happen when we approach, when we move in for the kiss, when we go to undress you. 1 minute. You can be explosive and angry, perhaps throw a drink in our face, or scream or yell or embarrass us in public. Or the same girl could be loving, caring, generous, sweet, kind, respectful, playful, flirtatious, or even just polite. And you could take the same guy and have him go up to all number of different women in different places and say the exact same thing in the exact same tone, with a friendly, bubly personality, or a cool, calm and collected attitude, or anything that's friendly and cordial. And you'll get dozens of different responses. Some women will be shocked that he had the nerve to do it. Some women will think he wasn't aggressive enough. Some will think, oh my gosh, I would never get with someone who spoke to me like this.
[00:08:12] You're looking for the right man to activate something in you, but that's the thing. We are always trying to activate that thing in you. We don't know if you perceive that guy as creepy and that guy is hot and that guy is a total turn on. And this one is someone you never speak to again. And a lot of your choices around whether you're going to go for a guy or not just has to do with your attraction level and how you perceive him. So how do we tie all of that into having sex with someone for the first time? Well, if ever there is a place to express yourself, ladies, it's right here and now in those moments before it happens. So you don't find yourself in a situation where you're having something as banal as mediocre sex. Direct communication, no matter how hard it might be for you, is actually to your benefit rather than having man guessing and mind reading. But to achieve this, it requires a very strong cultural shift from men. I don't know where this came from or who started doing this first, or if men started just behaving this way, or it's a thing that women created in their heads all on their own, or if it's just a bizarre thing that men do, because I personally don't know any men who are this way, but it seems to be something that's very well lodged in women's minds when they think about being more assertive, aggressive or forward. So the shift we're talking about is the idea of the chase.
[00:09:40] The idea that a man is only interested in a woman as long as he has to work for it, or he has to chase her or somehow capture her. And I personally believe that by doing this, you're giving a horrible complex to a woman.
[00:09:55] There is absolutely no sustainability whatsoever in a chase. In fact, to me, the chase is all one big hallucination. And furthermore, it can't even exist for more than a moment. Why, if you lose interest immediately upon having sex with someone or her spending the night with you, how would you move anything forward with that person ever? How can you ever have more than one sexual experience with that person? The experience where you've chased and chased her for who knows how long, and then you have sex with her and that's it. What happens if you spend all this time pursuing a girl, chasing and chasing and chasing, and she's being coy and mysterious and playful and unavailable, and then listen to how absolutely preposterous this is. You win, you get her. She allows you to have sex with her however you want to look at it, and then you suddenly decide in your mind, oh, I already tasted this. I got her. I had sex with her. I guess I'll just make her disposable and discard her. I don't need this anymore. I don't need her anymore. And you turn a real human being into something disposable. If you go for a swim in the ocean, do you never want to do it again after you've been refreshed and replenished by its waves, if you take a trip to Hawaii, do you never want to go again? If you pine about having a moist, chewy, velvety brownie, and then you have it once, do you never want it again because you chased it and got it? If your goal is to have sex and you want to have sex, and therefore you're chasing and chasing and chasing to try to have sex, which is, by the way, initiated by you, and also because you love this chase so much, and then you actually get what you want, you get sex. Well, now you've got it. And now you're not chasing anymore. What does it do to this person who you've shared intimacy with, someone who you've unclothed, put yourself inside of, shared an intimate experience with? Does that make her disposable for you?
[00:11:54] Let me hammer this from a different angle. Are you going to shame her for giving you the exact thing that you wanted only moments after she gave it to you? Are you going to reward her or thank her or appreciate her by vanishing?
[00:12:12] Are you perpetuating a culture of men who call women sluts and whores because you did everything possible to make or encourage them to have sex with you? And then they did. You pushed, you pushed, you pushed. And as a result of you pursuing her, she decided to say yes, but now you don't want her anymore. So you only want something that you can't have. Something constantly unattainable. So chasing is the process of trying to obtain something that you don't yet have, but you want. So you chase, and you work hard to get it. But then, as the realization sets in, which many should have had when they were six years old, that you can only chase once before the chase is over, once you get what you want without having to go chase something else or someone else, what would be the point of chasing to get it again when you've already had it? So that's why, to me, the entire mentality around chasing is just preposterous. It's a hallucination. It's absurd. It doesn't serve anyone unless you're planning on perpetually having one night stands for the rest of your life. So now that we've broken down both sides of this, what's important to hear? I think it would be a very useful paradigm shift for women to move towards less mysteriousness, less being coy, less being unavailable, certainly less being purposely busy. For further details, see my published works on why being busy and unavailable makes you significantly more sexually unattractive and purposely unable to be caught.
[00:13:43] And men, well, to be a little more conscious and awake and realize that once you get something that you thought you couldn't have or shouldn't have or didn't have, however you want to look at it and you now have it, how about cherishing it, appreciating it, savoring it, loving it? Now, of course, when two people have sex before you do, you don't know how good it's going to be. You don't know if you're going to like each other or have great sexual chemistry. There could be a really good buildup and then you could have sex and think to yourself, you know, that wasn't quite what I expected. There's certainly not an obligation to jump into a committed, monogamous relationship if you do. But it's more about the mindset, the mentality around esteeming someone, respecting someone, trying not to play, and get invested in games. So when the time comes that you are face to face and ready to have sex, you can have more fun, more pleasure, more exceptional experiences, rather than being in your head and worried about what the other person might be thinking or doing.
[00:14:40] Now, as a general rule, in most cultures, in most societies around the world, men are the ones who have to initiate. We have to move the ball forward, we have to try. We have to kiss you first, undress you first, follow up with you on the phone over and over again until you finally agree to a date and decide to finally make yourself available, rather than doing countless number of other errands such as getting your nails and hair done and going out for drinks with friends, more often than not, men have to initiate or demonstrate in some way that we want you. We want to take your clothes off. We want to have you, metaphorically speaking. Furthermore, most women find this very attractive. This is what they want and they expect this. Some are even turned off by the idea of a man who, in quotes, didn't have what it takes or wasn't man enough, or any number of other disparaging terms that women come up with for men who aren't assertive and aggressive enough. So most men have spent an entire lifetime being told, this is what we have to do, or by default, doing this, this pursuing, this chasing. And if not, you're not going to find us attractive, you're going to find us weak, less than a man, less than capable. That's the narrative, that's the story. And that's where this shift of women being a little more assertive, a little more aggressive, going after what they want, starts to look a lot more desirable. If he's not moving forward to make the first move on you, there could be any number of reasons that this is happening other than his lack of manliness or manhood. What if he's being more respectful? What if he's more of a sensitive man as a result of the climate today? What if he just wants you to be safe and doesn't want to make you feel uncomfortable? If we have to do all of the asserting, all of the moving forward, here's the kicker. We don't know what your response is going to be. We don't know what we're facing. Is there going to be a monster on the other end, someone warm and receptive? What archetype are you going to activate for us? You, for all intents and purposes, could be dripping wet and ready. And some men will not be able to know that well, in fact, most, because that's a feeling for you. So it takes a really in tuned person to read into your energy, to feel you, to know when you're excited and turned on, when you're not showing it and you're trying so hard not to. So you could be turned on, you could not want to do it yet, or you could not want to do it at all. And those are three of countless possibilities. And you know this. So this is why I'm such a proponent. When you're having sex with someone new for the first time of this very easy, open communication, it just takes one person to initiate it, for the floodgates to open up. It might be awkward for a moment or two, but you can really get into it, and you can show with your body language, with your energy, with your eyes, with your words, what you're ready for. And so, men, that's actually how a woman will generally show that she's ready with her body and with her eyes. And it can be so subtle. It's amazing when a woman is looking at you with lust and desire and passion in her eyes, and when you get that response going, it's one of my favorite feelings in the world. But how do you know? In those beginning stages, it's likely to be very subtle, more of a receptivity to advances. It could be that she's a little more quiet. It could be that you can see her thinking and then glancing down. It could be that she's just glancing in the other direction, getting lost in thought, or staring down at your mouth, or staring down at your chest, or staring down between your legs. So when you notice some of those things, you might notice that you feel sexual energy as well. And men, there's a big difference between you being horny, generally speaking, for a girl, feeling horny, feeling turned on like you want to have sex, whether it's a person who's in film, who you saw on the street, or who's with you right now and then, that electric excitement between the two of you, where you're turned on by each other, you're curious about each other. It almost presents as a nervousness or an angst or an excitement or an imperative. If you can tune into that, that's when it's time to actually move forward. But if the feeling or the climate is a little different, if she's just there with you and you think that because she's there, she's therefore going to or ready to have sex with you, and so you're working so hard to kiss her, but you're not getting a response, this is where you want to back off. That really shifts the power dynamic into a man trying to take something from a woman or get something from her. You never want to be in that position where you're trying, trying.
[00:19:20] It's more allowing, allowing, allowing an unfolding that's pleasurable to both of you when you're trying too hard. This puts her in a position to decide should she? I don't even like using this phrase, give it up or not. Let you have it or not. And that's not fun for anyone. It's more like a contest, or the Battle of the sexes, or the War of the Roses, or this old paradigm of trying to get something, win something, or have something. You're looking for that feeling of two people enjoying it together to unlock closeness.
[00:19:52] So finally some ideas if things are progressing and intimacy is feeling ripe. You can use your fingertips, you can playfully caress one another. You can give each other massages. You can take her face into your hands and kiss it softly. You can kiss her cheeks and her cheekbones, her eyes, her forehead. You can grab a fistful of hair, but lovingly and firmly give it a nice squeeze. You can hold her hips and draw her towards you. And slowly push your fingers into her hips and bring her firmly against you. Even in a way that's not necessarily indicative of having sex. You could take a shower together. You could take a bath together. One of my personal favorites is having extremely intimate conversation about what you would enjoy doing with each other. To unearth the kind of things that generally go unspoken. I'd love to put you in this position or in that position. And for extra credit, actually walk through what that would feel like and look like with clothes on. So you start to get that feeling and that excitement. But the stakes aren't too high. I'm not the biggest fan of distracting yourself while pretending to be intimate, such as laying down and watching a movie. And then you slowly start to creep a hand over. The sort of nothing is happening here, we're not doing anything. And poof, suddenly you're having sex. It's fine if that's something you enjoy doing, but I do myself prefer a more direct approach. But that's just an opinion. We were talking in the last episode about women who say, I can't believe I'm doing this. This is so unlike me. I've never done anything like this before. Oh, my God, no one's going to believe I'm here doing this. And how often men hear this. We've had a dollar for every time we've heard it. How about some different communication around that? Oh my God, I love that I'm doing this right now. I can't believe I'm doing this, but I'm really glad that I am. This is such a turn on. This is really exciting. This is so unlike me. But it's hot. Things that convey that you're having a good time versus having remorse and regret. If that's the case, you can definitely slow down and back up or consider not doing it at all. I think it's really important not to send mixed signals to men anymore, especially in a society where we are extremely focused right now on really important issues like consent. No meaning no. No means no. It doesn't mean maybe it doesn't mean turn me on more. It doesn't mean, well, maybe later. It doesn't mean if we keep trying, you'll say yes, it means no. And you want us to have that belief system. You don't want it to be different. I think women really need to come to terms with the fact that if you want to have a hard boundary, which is healthy, such as saying no and having someone completely stop that you can't also then have the opposite, which is to say no, but hope that he reads you deeper, or if he just takes a little more time with you, it can change, but you don't want to talk about it. You just want him to feel it. That's dangerous for everyone. So it's okay to change your mind. Everybody goes from being really turned on to not being turned on, or to losing a moment, or to being turned off and then suddenly finding yourself really horny. That's happened. But talking about it, saying it, speaking it in a way that's understandable, that allows the situation to be malleable. That's the key. If you know you're comfortable with someone and it doesn't need to be black or white. Having malleability can be life changing, especially if it exists in your communication and your body language. But I would steer clear from expressions like, oh, we're not having sex tonight. Oh, that's not happening. This is definitely not happening. We're definitely not having sex tonight.
[00:23:26] Unless you're wearing your chastity belt. You have it on lockdown. You're 100% sure that you will not be having sex tonight, then by all means, set an appropriate boundary. But otherwise, you're training men to believe that if they just hold out, if they just pursue you long enough, if they just stay late enough, she'll change her mind. Or those were all just empty words.
[00:23:48] But by articulating it and then reneging on your initial insistence to not do it, it sounds hypocritical and you're sending mixed messages. Consent is not something that you want to turn into a game, especially with someone new. So getting back to the men for a moment, if you push too hard for sex, if you move forward too intensely, too firmly, you actually run the risk of blowing the whole night and potentially blowing your whole relationship with her. A girl who might be receptive to intimacy, but who you move forward with too quickly can get instantly turned off and say, ah, that's all you want. You don't care about anything else. I don't get a sense that you're interested in me. You don't care about me. She could say something like, you know, this really wasn't at all what I was looking for, or, this wasn't what I had in mind when I came over here tonight. I feel like you're like every other guy who just wants the same thing for from me. It's hard to come back from something like that or to actually prove that that's not your only intention, when, of course, being intimate with her is one of your intentions. But how do you show someone that it's not your only intention?
[00:24:48] If you can just chill out and allow the evening to unfold at its own pace, then you're also increasing your chances of having sex, which is what hopefully everybody wants. And you'll also increase your chances of having sex with her more over time so that this won't be looked at and internalized as a booty call. Women who are under the impression that all you want is sex, and if they're in the mood for it and then you have sex, it'll almost always turn into a one or two off thing, and then she may come to a different conclusion later, saying things like, I deserve better. I deserve more than this. I want something more serious. I'd like to pursue something that's a little more meaningful than just this. I'm not looking for a booty call or a sex partner as such. One of the best pieces of advice I can give you when you're about to have sex with someone new and you're hoping to do it with that person more than once, twice, or thrice, is to actually be physically and emotionally attracted to her. Yeah, to actually like her. To really find her physically attractive, not just cute or okay or tolerable. To find things that are far more attractive about her than just the fact that she might have sex with you or that she's cute or that you like her boobs or her butt or one or two features about her. Because if that's all you like, and then you're going to get involved with this person who has her own world, her own insecurities, her own flaws, her own beautiful charms, chances are you're not even going to like things about her that other people do. If you're doing it just for sex, if you're doing it just because you like an item about her, you're not going to appreciate her. And she's going to feel that immediately. That's going to telegraph so quickly that not only are your intentions only sex, but your intentions are just to use her for your own pleasure and gratification. It doesn't matter who she is, what she looks like, or what she sounds like. You can totally be in agreement about just having fun or just fulfilling a need. You can both be, I wouldn't say using each other, but satisfying each other's needs. But hopefully you're finding things that you like about her that are going to make you want to see her more than once. Even if you're having a one night stand, if you want to have the best one night stand of your life, be into the girl that you're doing it with. Be present. Be awake. Don't drink so much. Don't do drugs. Don't numb yourself out of it. Don't change your state of consciousness. Breathe. Be present. Sit with everything that is. All of these things can make for an extraordinary experience. So make sure you like what you see. Make sure you like who she is. We are talking about a specific kind of sex here. Again, it is possible to have really great sex with someone who you don't like that much, but both of you are going to enjoy it a lot more if you find things to like about each other.
[00:27:34] All right, the next tip for both men and women deals with listening to your own body, really tuning in and listening to what you want. This sounds so obvious cliche. We hear it all the time, but it's actually really important. We speak about it often in other podcasts. And the phrase I use for it is deep listening. So, an example, if you're not feeling so well. If you don't feel attractive, maybe you've had a long day, you're not even in the mood for sex. But she's there and available and willing to do it with you. But you find yourself moving forward just because she's there.
[00:28:07] Don't. Don't do it. Listen to your own body. It will be so much better on a different day, and maybe even a different moment in the same day. In this, I speak from personal experience well, as I do most things. But I can't begin to tell you how often I've had an intuition that says, don't do it. And if you know about intuition, it doesn't hit you like a ton of bricks. It's always subtle guidance.
[00:28:35] If you don't listen, it's often not the end of the world. You're not going to die, you're not going to have horrible things happen. But your intuition, your guidance often tells you when the moment is ripe.
[00:28:46] And sometimes, oftentimes, the moment is just not ripe yet.
[00:28:52] But by waiting until it is ripe, you often won't know in the moment why you're supposed to wait. Because, hey, you could be hard, you could be wet, you could be excited and turned on. You certainly could have sex. It's possible. And it could even be decent or good, or even very good. But if you've got that feeling that it isn't time yet, that's when it's an appropriate moment to deeply listen to yourself, to listen to your body. That's what that means. Everyone from pharmaceutical companies to sales reps to well meaning friends, they all say, just listen to your body. Only you know what you want. Yeah, but reallY, no one knows how to do that. Try taking a breather. Try taking some breaths. Try doing it together. Maybe try doing it later in the day or night. See if there's more conversation to be had. Or maybe you just need to turn each other on a little bit more. You'll often see it in hindsight, after it's all said and done, why something came up. Maybe she gets more emotional than you expected, or you got a call and one of you had to leave immediately, and so everything was really abrupt, or someone came home unexpectedly. When you engage in things through a sense of alignment, this is just. Wow.
[00:30:00] Now, there are always other unseen reasons that you might not recognize in the moment for why the time isn't right to have sex. But your intuition, or her intuition, is trying to tell you something. She could have something going on in her body. She could just be coming off of or be in the middle of her period. She might have been in an emotionally upset place. She might have had a bad day. Maybe she's uncomfortable or having cramps. She might have worked out in sweat all day, or just come from a yoga class and could totally use a shower before actually going there. Maybe she forgot to shave or wax that night. Men. We don't carry stuff like this with us. We're not worried if we feel sexy enough or attractive enough more often than not. But since so much of our excitement around women has to do with how attractive they are to us, you can imagine why they often feel it's so important for them to feel put together. Clean, looking good, blood free, bloated, free, cramp free. Even during times when it's not necessary, or you don't care, or it's all in their own head, it still needs to be considered, and it could still put a wrench in your sexual activity. These are things that they may not even want to talk about. So this is where, as a man, we're getting into that finesse. How do you finesse an evening with a woman that's mutually desirable for both of you without steamrolling her and without forcing everything in your directioN? It's definitely a give and a take. Even if you're really hoping to have sex tonight, there are actually benefits of not having sex on a night when you thought you were going to do it. Number one, she might like you more. Number two, you might learn something from one another. For example, when I used to live in LA, I was friends with different choreographers because I used to go take their dance classes and have them do private lessons with me at the house. So choreographers for artists like Britney Spears, Beyonce, Sierra. So the house I had at the time had this sort of formal dining room area that had hardwood floors, and I wound up turning it into a dance studio with mirrors. And I loved, love, loved having these instructors come over and teach me private hip hop lessons. That was probably one of my top, most favorite parts of living in Los Angeles. And once upon a time, I had a really great lover. And she came over one night, and it wasn't an opportune night for us to have sex. I can't remember exactly the reason, but rather than not getting together at all or being bothered by not being able to have sex, we actually had some stuff to explore. We danced. I showed her some hip hop, I showed her body rolls and how to pop her chest. We was getting crunk. And then as it turned out. She, in her previous life, was a drummer, and I personally love the drums. I was never allowed to have them as a kid. They're so fun to bang on. Well, this must have been, like, seven or eight years ago, and I'll never forget it because she taught me one of my favorite beats. I used to have something called a cajone, one of those wood panel boxes that you sit on and you could bang on. They make the most incredible drum sounds. It took me several times to get it down, but to this day, it still stays with me. It was like, for years later, I would use that beat every time I sat down to play a drum or sat in someone's music circle or sat in a drum circle or was at a friend's house or had an opportunity to bang on something. And how beautiful is it that that beat banging was a result of not having sex that night? Because the timing wasn't right, an evening that didn't involve sex. And we learned something from each other. So sometimes, even as an impatient person myself, good things come to those who wait.
[00:33:23] Sometimes even you discover that you're not meant to be sexual with one another. Sometimes the sexual moment continues to elude you somehow. You can't find a time where you both are actually turned on, or you both can get together at the same time, or you're both in the mood for it. Maybe what's destined, for lack of a better phrase, is that you're meant to be friends or best friends or close friends or have had a close encounter and then decided to be friends. When I was in college and was introduced to the rave scene, I was taking a couple girlfriends out down to downtown Santa Barbara and experiencing these all night dance parties or events that none of us had ever heard of or seen before. And I remember I had met a very attractive young Filipino girl, and we were hanging out a lot and talking, and as it turned out, we wound up back at her dorm room one night. Everything seemed and felt like we should have done something, had sex, made out. We're 18 years old, we're in a college dorm. The lights are out. We're by ourselves. We are excited, we have music going. But instead of being sexual, we both just felt into the situation and hung out, got to know each other, talked about our other relationships. And to this day, we're still good friends. But back then, and for many, many years after, we remained the closest of friends, best friends, we told each other everything. We actually wound up performing together, doing acrobatic performances together. Way back when, when Acroyoga was first getting started. We danced together. I hosted Belly dancing workshops with her. I had a belly dance studio, and she taught in my studio. And this entire different type of friendship panned out. So by waiting to not have sex, I discovered a best friend. SomEtimes waiting can also give you the opportunity to take the other person in. Do you like the way she smells? Do you like the other person's skin? What about the other person's pheromones? Can you feel them? Do you like the way she touches you? Some people touch you in a way that is annoying or bothersome or the way they show affection doesn't line up with the way you like it. Sometimes, unfortunately, it doesn't soothe you or warm you. It makes you want to remove their hand from you. I personally have a button against someone showing me affection in the same square inch over and over again. Like, if someone's just putting their thumb on my anything and just rubbing back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth ad nauseam. Some people touch you and you think, oh, my God, I'm in heaven. I cannot believe what a wonderful, warm touch this person has. Of course, I'm a huge proponent of great sex, but I'm also a big proponent of recognizing when it may not be time to yet. And I know this may not be what you were expecting when you were listening to this episode, but these things really come up. And men, if you're listening, more often than not, women actually aren't fully ready to have sex. They're not there yet for some reason. And that's why I think it's always worth taking the time to figure out what's missing.
[00:36:17] Once you start having sex, that tends to be the default. You just start having more sex all the time or do things that get you to that point, but we stop doing all of those things that built up to having sex to begin with. And I'm not talking about foreplay. I'm just talking about exciting forms of intimacy that don't even have to happen in the bedroom. Often in my coaching practice, when people first come to see me, and I'll ask, well, how often are you having sex now? And how often are you intimate with one another? And to many people's shock, people are far less intimate with each other than they are when they have sex with one another. So Even if sex is completely absent in the relationship, intimacy is even harder to find. And so much intimacy is lost for most people once you start having sex if you're someone who really separates the two.
[00:37:08] All right, a few more final tips for men around knowing when the time is right. When you begin to practice deep listening. Listening not only to her words, but her body language. How she carries herself. Are her shoulders up or down? Is she tense? Are her arms crossed? Does she turn her attention away from you? Is she leaning into you, towards you or away from you? You'll start to know when she's ready because she'll respond very favorably when you touch her sensually or sexually, or she'll make space for you to do so. If she's not responding or freezes up or feels like a cold fish, there's a very small chance that she's just unsure or super shy or super nervous and doesn't know quite what to do. But I also like to believe that the body doesn't lie. The body always tells you what's going on, and in many cases, that may just be time to back it up a notch.
[00:37:57] What about, though, when you feel that fire? When things are actually really hot and you know your mental state has shifted and you're going to be having hot sex soon? Sometimes you can feel it the moment you open the door, or when you share a kiss, or when you press your lips against each other for the first time. The electricity between you two, or how she pushes her body against you. When she embraces you. Is there full body contact? Are you feeling electricity? Does your heart beat faster? Does your mouth dry? Do you get nervous? Do you flush red? Do you get hard? If you're feeling electricity from both people, that's a very good indicator that you can move things forward, and you should. This is when you can step into that quintessential proverbial role of being a man. Taking her or ravishing her or loving her or seducing her or making love to her or fucking her, or just sharing closeness with her.
[00:38:53] And this reminds me of one final thing to chat about before we bring this episode to a close. And it's for the men. But, ladies, I think you'll find this interesting, too. And this is when a woman is ready for sex. Before you are. She's more horny than you are. She's ready to do it before you are. Her actions, behavior, or words take you by complete surprise. She's all excited and turned on, and you haven't gotten there yet. Chances are, if you're a guy, you've felt this before. It's a very unusual feeling, and how you respond to it is going to have a big impact on how the night unfolds. If you ever find yourself in this very favorable and fortunate position because you also do want to take a breath, it's okay that you're not rock hard. Feel what emotions come up for you. Are you nervous in the service?
[00:39:45] Uncomfortable? Terse? Tense? Do you judge her? Do you get upset with her?
[00:39:52] Do you feel shy? Are you reactionary? Do you have the unusual sensation of feeling submissive to her because her sexual energy is so strong and you don't know what to do about it?
[00:40:08] We're getting really deep at the end of this podcast.
[00:40:12] If you, as a man, ever get to have the experience of what it's like for a woman to make you feel submissive or shy or unsure, just because she is so confident, or her sexual energy is just bursting out of her, or sometimes even because she's so insecure. So she's super quiet and you can't read her, she's withdrawn. But usually this comes about because of her sexual intensity or her feminine energy. Well, then you, my friend, have had the unusual benefit of understanding what it feels like to be a woman and to feel uncomfortable in a sexual situation.
[00:40:51] Because feeling that, even though sometimes it's desirable, it's not always desirable to realize that your power or your essence or your confidence almost has the sensation of draining right out of you because someone else's confidence is so strong, being in a situation like this could often leave you speechless, unprepared, not knowing what to do or say next. Or you've got to take a deep breath. For me, when this comes up and I catch that feeling surfacing, I like to breathe, step back, take a moment, get some perspective, smile, and realize what's going on. Really get centered in my masculinity. Ask myself quietly, or even out loud, how do I want this to progress? How does she want this to progress? Would she like to continue with her sexual dominance? Does she even realize that she's doing it? Or is it just because she's so luscious and delicious and voluptuous and tasty that you can't help but feel a little nervous about it? Or should I harness my masculinity, reclaim the power, and move forward with assertion and strength, confidence and with presence?
[00:42:05] Taking the lead does not mean you have to force things in the direction that you want it to go, because you think you're alpha, you think you're dominant, you think you're the masculine, you think you have more masculine energy, or you're the man in the room. I'll say it again. You don't have to steamroll a girl to share power or be more powerful. Sometimes it's wonderful to be seduced by a woman. Even if you're the most masculine guy and you feel like you always have to take the lead, it's worth asking yourself, why? Why does it always, every single time, have to be you leading the show? Can you surrender? Have you tried to surrender? Once or twice? Do you know that if you surrender or allow things to move forward the way she likes, that doesn't mean you're any less masculine?
[00:42:47] See, the whole thing about shaming a woman for sex or for being sexual or too sexual, which, to remind you all, is something we all want. Almost everyone wants to be sexual with people that we like. We all want it and enjoy it. And every man knows that having sex with a woman who we esteem and find beautiful is one of the greatest feelings in the world. Many men find themselves in a place of wanting to either shame women, harm them, be rude, be mean, be inconsiderate, because they have more power or perceived power than a man at that time. But if you think about it, why would we actually want to make anyone feel bad about desiring us if they're too horny or too excited or moving too quickly when they want you? And this can be applied for men and women. If someone wants you and desires you and you haven't just met, it's not the first five minutes you've gone out on a date or two or you're ready to be intimate. There's no worse feeling in the world than that. We'll talk a lot about this in future episodes. When it comes to how you reject someone, how you let them down. If you're in a position, ladies, where you thought you wanted to be intimate and you're with a man who's really into you and he really wants to be with you, how you handle yourself in these situations, hear this. It really affects how society at large responds to women as a whole.
[00:44:06] Now, I'm not suggesting that if she's ready and you're not, that you should do it anyway. I'm suggesting that the way you go about these things and handle them should be done with tact, class, curiosity, respect, communication, and love.
[00:44:28] We've arrived to the end, the finish line. And amazingly, we haven't even talked about actually having sex yet.
[00:44:37] And we didn't have to. This episode has been about things you might consider when you're going to have sex with someone for the first time. Definitely keep an eye out for future episodes of how to have sex with someone for the first time, how to go down on a woman, how to have sex with him, how to have sex with her. It's going to get really, really juicy.
[00:44:57] But what I hope this episode has accomplished is to inspire you to listen deeply, not just to your own desires, but to your partners as well, what's really going on in there. And then moving towards expressing yourself, sharing that somehow with a partner. So you're on the same page if you want to know specifics of how to touch, kiss, caress, love, fondle, squirt, come, and so on and so forth, and you'd like to get that laid out intelligently, considerately, and with a thoughtful reply. Please continue listening to the podcast or head over to GetCloseness.com and submit your own question to be asked on the closeness podcast. You can do so by becoming a patron or a Patreon member, and by visiting forward slash closeness. If you haven't already, please also subscribe to our YouTube channel by doing a search on YouTube for the Closeness podcast, and we're right there at Top. Thanks for listening and have a great day.
