Episode Transcript
Speaker 0 00:00:01 Welcome to the closeness podcast, your new sexual education, you're enjoying season three. My name is T and today we're talking about all of the little skeletons that men keep in their closets, premature ejaculation coming too quickly, erectile dysfunction, not being able to keep an erection during sex and all of those little mischievous workarounds that men like to use to get the job done. This is going to be a riveting episode. Now, if you do a search on YouTube for these things, you'll find lots of interesting tips and tricks. I certainly find some of them useful in the usual vein of closeness coaching. I'm gonna try to offer some ideas, tips, and suggestions as well as philosophies that you likely haven't thought of before. Therefore, I recommend that both partners listen to this episode, this isn't exclusively for men. It's very important for women to understand this as well, and to kick things off.
Speaker 0 00:00:48 Why don't we start with a few things that I consider to be facts. Number one, a sexual experience cannot be thoroughly enjoyed by a woman. If you are finishing or coming within 10 seconds to three minutes. And if you're lasting somewhere between three to six minutes, it's still not a good sexual experience for her. If you're able to make it to somewhere between 10, 12, 15 minutes. Now we're in the ballpark of being in a place that you should be able to number one, sustain for longer. If you want to. And number two, at least give your female partner a chance to relax, settle into things, get comfortable, get out of her head. And most importantly actually begin to really enjoy sex. So I'm gonna say something really strong and bold here outside of the occasional quickie. If your regular sex is lasting that long, you probably have a very dissatisfied woman.
Speaker 0 00:01:44 Even if you have a woman who comes super quickly and vaginally, which in and of itself is pretty unusual. It's still extremely important to last a lot longer than a moment or two. So number one, if you are a man who's unable to refrain from coming who can't control himself for zero to three minutes or three to six minutes. And I separate those out because I do feel like they kind of exist as two different levels. Then there definitely is some work that needs to be done. And I, again, this episode is made explicitly for you. I don't believe that there's something physically and traumatically wrong with you. In most cases, this is a skill that can be learned and practiced. And if you care enough about your partner, you can make it happen. That being said, of course, this is not medical advice. I am not taking the place of a medical professional or your doctor.
Speaker 0 00:02:30 And these are strong opinions after decades and decades of practice and research. Okay? Point number two, you might be listening to this as someone who has learned to accommodate your female partner because you come or you finish too quickly. And by that, I mean, you work your way around it. You go down on her and you work on her until she comes and then you have sex as quickly as possible. And in anywhere between one to five minutes, you finish, or maybe number two, you have sex for a little while you finish. And then you finish her off with a toy. Both of these options are certainly better than doing nothing for her at all. And they are things that you should be doing at a bare minimum for your partner, if you are struggling with these issues. So good job if you already are, but it is my strong belief and opinion that it is not an acceptable substitute for hot long riveting, passionate, intense, connected sex, nor is it a substitute for closeness, intimacy and sharing in an experience together.
Speaker 0 00:03:35 Often when you get into the habit of finding these substitutes for the real thing, you'll find that your woman eventually gets frustrated, annoyed, distressed, agitated, resentful, bored, doesn't feel satisfied, can maybe be a little annoying or irritable or fussy with you. And there's nothing quite like giving a woman good, great sex to set the tone for the next few days. In fact, oftentimes it could set the tone for the whole week. Insightful tip number three, a woman generally takes a handful of minutes at least to get warmed up and that could happen during foreplay, but it also happens during the sexual experience. So maybe you have put in a few minutes of time, caressing, kissing, massaging, loving, going down, whatever it is, but still once sex starts, even then from the moment of penetration, I still believe most women enjoy a nice buildup, taking some time to get into it, getting your bodies comfortable.
Speaker 0 00:04:37 And if you're finishing somewhere in the first few minutes, she's barely even taken her hair down, relaxed, her thighs taken a couple deep breaths and maybe even opened her eyes before you are done. And so just imagine the frustration, the irritation, the annoyance, and the angst that comes from someone, sharing their body with you so that you both can have this incredible passionate, connected, hot sexual experience. And every single time almost without fail, you have this incredible feeling whether you want to or not. And she doesn't, or it's over before, you know, it, it would almost be like if she allowed you to put yourself inside of her for one stroke, and then she was like, that's it. I gotta go to work every time. And you're just like, BBA. I just, I just need a few more Mo I just tasted it. Let me have a little bit more.
Speaker 0 00:05:26 And that's what you never give your partner. So it's really important to know that if this is happening, it really is a problem. And I don't want you to feel depressed about it if you're a man, but I do think you should feel bad about it. You should feel bad enough about it to want to make a difference and to become a better lover because doing so will positively impact your life in so many other areas. So with regard to coming early, the first piece of advice is a little bit of tough love. And that is to say that it is very selfish to finish first. It's very selfish to do that regularly. And it's selfish on your part to not work on yourself, to satisfy your partner, especially if you've forced her into monogamy. In other words, you say things like, listen, I'm gonna finish in one to two minutes, but you can't go get any other excitement anywhere else.
Speaker 0 00:06:16 You should only focus on me for the rest of your life. And I'm saying it that way on purpose. In other words, I'm talking about all committed, monogamous relationships, cuz if your partner does decide to stay and she's fully committed to you, she really doesn't have a choice. She's not allowed to get anything from out there. And she hardly gets a thing from you and men. Listen, I understand it's hard. It is challenging. You see someone who's so beautiful in front of you. She has these incredible round breasts or beautiful butt or her thighs or her face or everything about her excites you and then you lose it. And so once again, even just think about that, your eyes feast on her so much and your biological programming acts on you so much that you can't even control yourself for a moment, time and time again, is that the kind of man you wanna be?
Speaker 0 00:07:05 Of course not, of course not to use a disgusting expression that's floating around these days. Are you someone who wants to pump and dump? Are you someone who wants to use women? Are you someone who doesn't care about their feelings? As long as you get yours, then perhaps you're better suited with a toy or prostitute. So to really drive the point home, the first premise here is your default behavior is actually selfish. Even though we are biologically wired to have a hair trigger and to spread our seed to as many places as possible and as quickly as possible. One of the first things that you can do to begin to take action on this immediately is to identify where on your penis, you are the most sensitive now for majority of men, circumcised and UN uncircumcised, it's going to be on the underside of the shaft, right beneath the head.
Speaker 0 00:07:55 There's a little area, slightly larger than the size of an engorged, clitoris, maybe about an inch in diameter or so that's very, very sensitive. And if you touch all the other areas, you might notice that you're not as sensitive there learning about your body learning, where your touched kissed licked played with or what's being stimulated. When you're inside of her is one of the first steps to understanding how you can control yourself. If you know where you're the most sensitive, you can make requests of your partner to not put so much attention there, to go softer or firmer to use a lighter touch or tongue stroke. And if you're inside of her, for example, understanding where you're the most sensitive can affect how you push in, how you stroke, how you move in there. If you're doing full long strokes or short small ones or staying all the way deep inside and just moving gently up and down while you're in there.
Speaker 0 00:08:49 And that by the way is another really great technique for not finishing early. If you've ever had a woman on top, you or riding you and you see that she moves her hips forward and back, you might find that you can last a little longer because it's not as stimulating and sensitive for you. You can also help keep things that are controlled by putting your hands on her hips and you do the grinding or you move your hips up and down and back and forth in a way that isn't too stimulating for you or a combination of all of those. She's moving. You have your hand on her hips, you are grinding up and down. She's moving a little bit. And despite all of that commotion, you can actually find a really good groove to keep you in the game longer. And then finally you can stay all the way pushed in because different types of movement circular up and down, as opposed to just thrusting and penetrating can make a big difference. The next suggestion for lasting longer deals with your state of mind before you even begin to get sexual. And that's the concept of being grounded, earthed connected, relaxed, calm, smooth, cool, collected, being the rock, being masculine, being the man,
Speaker 0 00:10:02 Being able to take nice long, deep breaths. And then there are several things that'll work to your disadvantage, just doing them by default, allowing yourself to be and remain anxious, nervous, lazy, acting like a sloth, sitting around watching TV all day or gaming plopping down on the sofa, putting on your glasses next to your partner. And then just getting ready to read for the night, grabbing your laptop and iPad and losing yourself in an article or social media, flipping on the television and doing these things that make you look in a woman's eyes, frankly like a sloth or a lazy man who doesn't have much motivation. Even if you just spent the entire day working hard to pay for the very house and things that she's enjoying. Even if you are a provider, when you zone out like that in front of her, which make no mistake.
Speaker 0 00:10:51 I understand it's something you need as a man to just tune out sometimes. But when you do it in front of a woman and you just need a alone time like that, the energy of it is not very grounded. It's zoned out, it's empty. And again, to be fair, men, ground themselves in emptiness. We are very reductive. We like nothingness. We like tuning out. Whereas often women want your constant undivided attention. So if you are approaching sex in a way that makes you feel anxious, nervous, over excited, unsure dear and unsure deer in the headlights, like a vulnerable, delicate little bunny. It's going to be infinitely more difficult for you to control yourself because if you're in fight or flight, meaning a very excitable phase and you're nervous and you can't even control your emotions. How are you going to control the most sensitive area of your body?
Speaker 0 00:11:43 Well, the answer is you can't, you're going to erupt like a volcano in about 10 to 45 seconds. If you're not careful. So taking the time to ground yourself, even if it is watching a show for a little bit, but then you come around, but doing other practices, like getting into nature, meditating, breathing, just being in a room with your partner and looking at her, breathing with her, touching her, cuddling her, and then starting to ramp things up slowly or intensely. All these things are gonna help you out. Now there's a huge caveat here, and I want women to really pay attention to this as well. If you are only making yourself available for sex ladies, once a month, once every six weeks, once a week, and you don't like the idea of your man masturbating, and you don't want him watching porn and you don't want him fantasizing about anyone else except you, but he only has one attempt.
Speaker 0 00:12:38 I mean, even let's just say weekly and he's supposed to perform like a champ. That's just not gonna happen. How can a guy who is attracted to you and fascinated by you and into you and who sexually wants you? All of these qualities that you want in a relationship, you don't want a dial tone. You don't want a dead beat. You don't want someone who's take it or leave it. Someone who makes you feel ugly or unseen. You don't want someone who makes you feel unattractive. You wanna feel like someone wants you. In fact, women often describe one of the most delicious feelings they can feel is that of a man lusting after them, who they're attracted to wanting them and that feeling of being pursued and chased. It's primal, it's hot, it's connected and it's very direct attention. So ladies, you've got to understand that if you are viewing sex as something that you're giving up to your partner or sacrificing or allowing him to have, and you're playing games with whether he got chores done or laundry done, or you're holding back because he didn't behave a certain way.
Speaker 0 00:13:40 All of these things are also contributing to how quickly he's going to ejaculate come because he's got no other chances. So really think about this. Finally, if a man only has the opportunity to have sex, he only comes in contact with a naked sexual woman, zero to four times a month. And he's thinking about it one to four times an hour or 10 times a day or dozens of times a week. What do you think is gonna happen when he finally has the opportunity with you? Do you think it's gonna be this incredible unforgettable, connected, deep experience, or do you think some accidents might be prone to happen? Can you really expect a man who is biologically programmed to pass on his seat as quickly as possible, as often as possible to simply last for 20 to 40 minutes, if you're holding back sex, you're holding it over his head.
Speaker 0 00:14:30 You hardly give him a chance to do it. You always have a headache. You're never in the mood. You tell him verbally when you are that he can just go ahead and put it in. Or maybe you're not even that present when sex is happening. Despite the fact that sex is very, very difficult for most men to obtain. And now he's in a committed, monogamous relationship where he can't get it with you either. And simply because you finally decided that you'll tolerate it here and there, or you'll finally allow him to have it. How can you expect anything other than failure or to finish quickly or to get overly excited or to be exclusively concerned about his needs? Hmm. And that's something that you have to internalize and understand. It's not that you're obligated to have sex with your husband or boyfriend. It does always come down to your body and your choice.
Speaker 0 00:15:15 However, if you have a certain expectation around his performance or you want to have any semblance of a healthy, intimate relationship, it really does take two. So it takes teamwork on both people's parts, especially if you're in a relationship to, you know, actually practice having sex, make time for it, make yourself available, find ways to get in the mood. Talk to him about things that excite you and help you out. Entice him, show him, give him the opportunity as well. I mean, I give tons of coaching to men on a daily basis on the things that they need to do to open their woman up. But it's not a matter of you just laying there and him being instantly excited and ready or holding it back until you're ready and then expecting a great performance, make options available, make yourself available, allow there to be time for it to happen in the relationship outside of kids and school and dogs and animals and family and social events and all the other time consuming energy, taking non-sexual social things that you think are so important to your calendar.
Speaker 0 00:16:18 If your sex life is lacking, some of these things maybe need to get rearranged. I also include this part because it's very difficult for a man to be grounded, connected, rooted at peace and not have a hair trigger. If his woman is holding back sex all the time, or doesn't make it easy or rejects him all the time or, or, or now you might have good reasons for this. And there might be a medical concern, or you're just not that horny or you have different sex drives. All of that's fine and understandable. But if you want a man to last longer, he has to have a little more access from you, enthusiastically and consensually.
Speaker 0 00:16:58 So prior to this section, we were talking about being grounded. The opposite of being grounded is too. Slothful too lazy, too piggish in your interactions. I'm purposely choosing strong words, behavior that makes you look uninspiring, not masculine, indecisive. Non-directional like someone who doesn't know what he wants. Like someone who doesn't get what he wants. Like someone who's very passive or who's a pushover, like someone who's very chill and easygoing. And you gotta realize that a man who is chill, which is like most men, everyone wants to be chill and relaxed and take it easy, man, chill out. Don't act like Gary V for the cool dude. It's all about relaxing and chill factor. Probably drinking, probably consuming an edible of some sort, probably smoking something. There's a laziness to that. And while an anxious frenetic man is not attractive to a woman. Neither is a man who is in ultra slow chill zone.
Speaker 0 00:18:04 The guy whose body language is always laid back, whose eyes are squinted, who never seems to be bothered by much, nothing really ruffles his feathers. Nothing gets an emotional response who doesn't have a lot going for him in his life or whose energy just feels stale or dead. And so part of being grounded does not mean you're laying back on your sofa with your legs extended in your shirt, up with a joystick in your hand, or that you're giving short ultra brief responses like, okay, I got you. I can see that. I know what you mean. We'll work on it or that you're going through life, taking whatever punches come your way. Women are turned on by and excited by a go getter. Someone who takes action, someone who pursues his dreams. So if she sees you in public or in private as not coming off that way, it becomes very unattractive to her.
Speaker 0 00:18:57 She almost can't help it. And this is female nature guys and everything in moderation. It's not that you need to be on your game. 24 7, always hustling, always grinding, making videos about it, bragging about it on YouTube. It doesn't have to be anything like that, but there's a huge difference between doing nothing and doing something excessively, a nausea, finding the gray areas is what's important here. So with that in mind, let's review some of the ways that you can ground yourself. Some of these are very simple. Be more decisive, make choices and act on them. Feel the difference between saying, babe, what are we doing for dinner tonight? And she says, I don't know, what do you want? And you go, I don't care. Whatever I'm open, whatever you want is fine versus babe, why don't you grab a jacket? We're going out tonight. My treat or, Hey, we're going to dinner tonight.
Speaker 0 00:19:45 I'm gonna take us to such and such place so different. All right. Other ways to get grounded include standing up flat on your feet with your legs. Parallel, take some deep breaths, roll your shoulders back. Draw your stomach in, give yourself a pelvic tilt in the better direction. So it doesn't look like you have a sway back. Lift your chin, slightly, relax. Your body language. Don't look so tight and held breathe more than once. More than twice, more than three times. Breathe easily through your stomach. Not through your chest. Don't let your shoulders come up. When you're taking a deep breath, don't lean onto one hip. The way women often do go for a walk with nothing in your hands and no cell phone. Get outside, breathe, fresh air exercise, take care of yourself. Take some responsibility around the house. When you can sitting quietly and breathing journaling taking five or 10 or 15 minutes to center yourself, going boxing, working out in the gym, getting into nature, communing with nature.
Speaker 0 00:20:41 All of these things help you get more grounded and feel more prepared, more masculine, more manly, ready for sex and believe it or not, they do help you last longer because you come from a more centered place. So you can think straight, you can do things on your terms. You can maneuver her in a way that's comfortable for you to keep going. You'll have the confidence to not get hypnotized by a woman's beauty and lose it all together. The allure of a woman is that she is perfection. Everything that you want, the fantasy, the well, you know, the girls love to say it, the goddess, but what's true. Outside of that, illusion is she's just a human being like everyone else on this planet who has her weaknesses, flaws and vulnerabilities, and also her strengths and charms and incredible assets. And if you can meet someone grounded, rooted in being relaxed, easy going, and it's easy for you to breathe and be yourself, then you'll find your equipment works a lot better for you as well.
Speaker 0 00:21:42 Another thing you can do is not jump from one thing to the next, not go from working a nine hour day to driving and sitting in traffic, to getting ready, to take off your clothes and try to have sex, and then try to hit the gym a little bit later. There has to be a transition period, a time for you to zone out and relax. A lot of people are working from home. Now, if you spend eight hours in front of the computer and your brain is fried and you think you're gonna have great, incredible sex together tonight, because you only have one hour a night between juggling kids, work appointments, et cetera, and the kids are making noise. You gotta get them to bed. You gotta get early next day. You've gotta take a little bit of time to get yourself grounded and centered.
Speaker 0 00:22:19 And so it's a transition period that helps you get there. That could be 5, 10, 20 minutes could be an hour. So in summation, a lot of people are finishing work and then walking straight into the room where their other partner is also working, resting and expecting there to be some sort of alive and vibrant chemistry. How can that be? Have you ever talked to someone who works in corporate America in the middle of their work day when they have so much going on, it's impossible to deal with them. They're scattered, they're all over the place, their focus isn't with you. So this intermediary space, even for some people taking a shower or a bath, just cooling off, jumping in the pool, if you've got one or an ocean even better. So can you imagine one man, who's hunched over in front of his computer working all day and he's answering calls and he's just going from one thing to the next.
Speaker 0 00:23:07 And then he steps into the bedroom to have sex with his partner versus a man who did all that. But then on his own, took a soothing shower, let the warm water, hit his skin and got in touch with himself a little bit. He sued up his arms and his legs and just got some contact on his skin. Maybe before that he stepped into the gym or just the other room and did some controlled and steady pushups. Sit-ups shops, sit ups, squats, got in touch with his body again, instead of just being in his head, maybe while he was in the shower, he did some breath work, closed, his eyes visualize the kind of sexual or intimate experience he wanted to have with his partner that evening. And this man steps into the room and takes her on a sexual adventure and gave her the kind of sec that she wants, that she's been craving. And then she opens herself up and gives him everything he wants. That's the kind of sex you wanna be having.
Speaker 0 00:24:07 What about the way that you initiate sex? Take a moment to think about how you do it. What specifically you do every time you want to be intimate with your partner. Are you asking her for it? Are you making silly noises and gestures like, Hmm, how are you doing? Is it sexy time? Are you saying silly things in bed that make her squirm or giggle, but not in an attractive way? Are you being too playful, too girly, too shy, too feminine, too soft, too passive. Has she rejected you so much that you're scared to touch her or scared to reach out and rightly so, by the way, women, if you're constantly rejecting your guy, you may have good reason. He's certainly not gonna have the confidence to do it. Women don't even have the confidence to approach once or twice before they shut themselves down permanently.
Speaker 0 00:24:52 How is a guy gonna keep being masculine and dominant and assertive and directional? And if he's scared to talk to you or the subject just can't come up or he can't reach out and touch somebody, some guys get so nervous about touching their female partner. Who's a third or half their size. They kind of let a pinky touch or a finger touch. And if she responds or doesn't get mad, then maybe he continues. And that kind of tepid, nervous and uncertain initiation women find it completely unattractive. So guys, the way that you initiate sex really, really matters. Are you doing things that emasculate you or are you doing things that empower you and make you feel like a man? And are you using gestures, body language, words, to make it silly and safe as opposed to hot, exciting, and adventurous. When I say safe, I don't mean safe so that no one gets hurt. I mean, safe so that you, as a man don't feel rejected for asking, or you don't feel bad for asking or you don't look like a, whatever it is that you're afraid you're gonna look like by being too assertive or forward. When in fact masculine dominance, male presence, male energy, assertiveness presence, putting things on your terms, handling things in your frame. Male, energy confidence, a man who knows what he wants. These are all the actual things that turn most women on.
Speaker 0 00:26:21 Finally, you can consider once again, yoga, meditation, breath work sitting quietly, just doing a simple box breath. If you're not into any of that in for four counts, hold for four counts, exhale for four counts, hold with no breath for four counts. If that's comfortable and repeat the process again, try it five or 10 times and feel how different you feel when you're ready to step into the room with her
Speaker 0 00:26:48 Next. We're gonna talk about body language. If you're sitting down in a chair and you spread your feet and legs out wide and then knock your knees in together, and then you let your shoulders collapse and you close off your heart and you look down and you put your head in your palms, that's about the worst, most close off body language. You can have. You look depressed. You look unhappy, you look weak and you look vulnerable. Incidentally. If a woman does most of that knocks in her knees and she's wearing a skirt and she maybe her toes point inward, she may not look like the most confident woman, but she looks vulnerable and vulnerability for better or worse is an attractive trait to many men. But in any case, men, if you present yourselves with your shoulders back with a sense of calm and taking deep, comfortable breaths, not letting your gut stick out, not arching your back too far forward, got your pelvic tilt going on, standing solid on two feet, not leaning into one hip.
Speaker 0 00:27:42 All of these things help create more masculine presence and help you feel more comfortable in your skin. When things start to get sexual breathing to me as well is also part and parcel of good body language. And this is often the missing ingredient of why men can't get the body language angle down, pat, because they're doing all the things they roll the shoulders back, they stand up straight, but then it looks held and forced and uncomfortable. And women see this in a millisecond and they say, oh, you look funny. You're awkward. You look uncomfortable. And then men shut down again. The breath is what connects you to yourself? What connects you to her along with your eye contact and your presence? Oftentimes you hear people say, including myself, take a deep breath. And when I say that, I don't mean once. Like, And then just go back to the shallow breathing and uncomfortable body language that you were exhibiting before being able to breathe comfortably under tension when you're nervous, when you're uneasy, or even when you're excited is a game changer for your sexual performance. In other words, yes, it can help you stay hard. It can help you last longer. It can help you get hard. Now, when you tell men to do something, they often take it very literally. So if I say, well, it's important to breathe. And you hear guys like,
Speaker 0 00:29:05 And it's not that you need to be audible or heard, or it has to be a yoga breath or sound like it's through a straw. You just have to have breath comfortably moving through your body in a rhythmic, slow rate, not metered and controlled. Like It's not about being audible. That's not the appropriate rate of breathe. If I were to sit here and take just a few deep breaths with you, it would maybe sound something like this. If you're feeling your partner, you can add a little noise into it. Could sound something like this.
Speaker 2 00:29:53 Hmm Hmm, Hmm. Hmm.
Speaker 0 00:30:02 And then if I wasn't focusing on taking a deep breath, but I was just breathing, it would sound like this.
Speaker 2 00:30:21 Hmm.
Speaker 0 00:30:23 Amazing how the energy shifts, just with a few breaths and breathing like this works wonders for demonstrating that you're comfortable in your own skin and the secret benefit of all of this is that the person who's with you can also relax.
Speaker 0 00:30:42 All right. The next major piece of advice is remaining calm through the storm. As you're warming her up, eating her out, going down on her, having her go down on you during this entire process. It's great to be, as we've been saying, cool, calm, collected, and present. So by cooling, calm, I don't mean aloof checked out, not with her and not making eye contact, but I also don't mean that you can't get excited or show your excitement. You just wanna make sure to not demonstrate that you're overly excited. At least not yet. Anyway. Unfortunately just like being too cool can make you look really lazy, being too excited and into it can look over zealous too eager, too needy. Like you never get it. And also, unfortunately this is unattractive to women, but the added benefit of staying in this gray area is that once you put yourself inside of her, you're not going to lose it because your body language isn't frenetic and full of angst.
Speaker 0 00:31:41 And so a major piece of advice that perhaps you haven't heard before is don't worry about your erection. Don't worry about how hard you are. Don't give these things while you're warming up too much thought or concern. Yet as men, we are always concerned that we're not going to be hard enough all of the time. Often men think that they need to be hard from the moment they begin kissing or even looking at their partner. And while it's great to feel 16, again, this is not the case for most people, especially by the way, if you're going down on her, something that requires incredible focus, attention and work, there's absolutely no need to be rock hard while you are focusing on her Pearl and delicately feeling with your fingers and moving through different areas. It's great if you are, but try not to concern yourself during all of these valuable moments, leading up to sex with whether or not you're hard and ready.
Speaker 0 00:32:35 This is so huge. Rather big surprise here. Get present, enjoy the intimacy beyond it for the journey, not the destination, because you've got to get out of your head. If you want to have great, incredible sex, you cannot be constantly worried and thinking about your erection. Why? Because time is not of the essence. You can always take a few minutes to get there. There are things you can do to get there. And it's really not important until the moment that it actually needs to be important. And even then you can delay with other things because most women love delayed gratification. There's no one telling you that right now, you have to perform. Unless you find yourself in really high intensities, unique situations, or you're sleeping with multiple girls from bars in the back alleyway, and you need your equipment to work instantaneously. If you're with a partner or you're married, you have a girlfriend, you live with someone usually there's time for these things.
Speaker 0 00:33:30 And let me remind you again. Most women will appreciate that. You take more time to turn her on or turn yourself on before you go in. Because of what I do, I've gotta add. There are certainly exceptions. You know, if you're riddled with this problem, constantly trying to get hard for 20 to 40 minutes and it doesn't happen. And she's been frustrated for years. Yes. That's a very different story. But if something like this is just beginning to happen or happens once in a while, you've really got a lot of breathing room before anything has to happen, or you have to shut the whole thing down. So think about this while you're undressing her while you're getting ready for sex while you're putting her in the different positions that you like to see her in, or she's doing things to you, or you're just cuddled up and being close with one another, can you enjoy it for what it is? This is called presence. Can you be with her? Can you be in the moment? Can you set the tone? Can she trust you?
Speaker 0 00:34:26 But then, and this can often seem like a catch 22 because so many men get focused on not coming, that they become completely disconnected from their partner, which defeats the entire purpose of sexual interaction. What is the point of having sex? If your eyes are clenched, closed, your mind is somewhere else. You're just pumping away and you're thinking, yeah, I'm hitting it. I'm going, I'm lasting. And she's lying there. Like, what the hell are you doing? Where are you? Where are you? Women do not want to have sex with someone who's not present. It's not fun. It's not connected. And so while yes, the goal is to learn how to last longer a strategy like trying to disconnect from the person who you're with only leaves a woman feeling less close and less connected to you. What does the absence of presence look like? Then it feels robotic.
Speaker 0 00:35:18 It doesn't feel real. It doesn't feel close, connected, or authentic. It feels like trying too hard. Like the wheels are turning and you're trying to think too far ahead of the game. Instead of being with her right now, to some degree you might as well not have sex to begin with. And I know you feel differently about this. You think, well, I'm getting it. I'm inside of her. We're doing it. We're having sex. I can, I can last, I can make it work if it's just for you. But in essence, you're basically using her as a sex toy or an Orus if you're not actually present with her. So for some men, it might feel normal to finish quickly and not stay hard in no particular order, but you actually have way more power than you think. And the first thing you should know about that is that your orgasm and the actual act of ejaculating are two different things.
Speaker 0 00:36:06 They seem to happen at the same time. In fact, they've probably happened around the same time for your entire life, but you can in fact control them separately. What you're actually trying to avoid is the ejaculatory response that usually creates the refractory period, or you're getting soft after you come, because they're two separate things. This also means that you're able to feel the sensation of an orgasm without anything actually leaving your body. And a relatively simple exercise, albeit challenging is to simply hold back your orgasm by squeezing or engaging your PC muscles, your butt muscles, or like you're trying to hold back from going to the bathroom. Now, while you're doing this, you're also trying to allow yourself to feel some or at least a little bit of pleasure. You can take a deep breath. You can hold your breath a little bit. You can move the energy up your spine as they often say in ancient texts.
Speaker 0 00:36:56 And if you practice this enough, you can actually prevent semen from leaving your body. This in turn, for many people, leaves them erect or partially erect and able to continue. Now, that's not my first choice for preventing yourself from being done, but it does and can work. Another method made very famous by pornography. These days is edging. Edging is the idea that you're bringing yourself or your partner is bringing you so close to orgasm, but they don't let you, or you don't allow yourself to finish. You hold back and you allow it to build and build and build, which is very different than actually preventing the orgasm from happening or something from leaving your body. This one is getting yourself to the point, but then stopping to the point, then releasing to the point, then not touching yourself or not having your partner go down on you.
Speaker 0 00:37:47 And what this does is it helps build up your tolerance for resisting the urge to finish. And the end result, if you do wind up, finishing feels even better than it would have. If you would just finish in a few seconds. So edging with or without a partner is something I recommend as a way to practice your endurance, to see how long you can last before having an orgasm. Most guys just wanna rub one out. They want get it done as quickly as possible. And you're missing out on half of the benefit of practicing with masturbation because it'll help you last longer in bed. Men don't have it the way women do where they can just go and go and go and spill and spill and spill some more. And for some women who struggle reaching orgasm, the feeling that they experience is that they're often chasing that feeling, chasing the orgasm, they lose it, then they get it.
Speaker 0 00:38:39 Then they find it. Then they lose it. And for some women takes a lot of concentration. Others can find it easily and then can have as many as they possibly can. In fact, the only limiting factor becomes a man's stamina and ability to last. I think it would be amazing for men to be able to have as many orgasms as they can, but for most people in the world, it's going to be an exhausting experience. It's gonna be draining time consuming. You're gonna feel like you wanna sleep afterwards. And every time you do it, there's a whole refractory period, a whole setting back up again and getting excited all over again. And for some men, they have it naturally where they're bounced back in three to 15 minutes, but for a good majority of men they're done for the day sometimes for the week and at least for several hours, therefore if you're practicing edging, if you're masturbating and bringing yourself to the point of orgasm and then stopping, stopping, stopping, it would also be nice to not finish all together.
Speaker 0 00:39:34 Just enjoy the process and the pleasurable feeling of the journey and the destination. Try to imagine this. And here's another tip. If all you've been your entire life is destination focused. I've gotta come. I've gotta come every time I masturbate, gotta finish in a minute, gotta finish in two minutes. And then you're with a beautiful woman. And you think that you're miraculously going to last like a pro 15, 20, 45 minutes? Who are you kidding? She's gonna get on her hands and knees or get on her back or look at you in a certain way or make a noise you're gonna be done, especially after you've taught yourself and reminded yourself and conditioned yourself over and over again for the last 10 to 50 years that you come in one to two minutes. What in God's green earth makes you think that you're going to last longer when you are inside of someone who you're attracted to you? Can't, it's like you can't get there from here. So the practice has to happen somewhere. And if you're not in an open relationship and you can't just go bang out 10 people, you have to practice on your own, or you have to practice on your partner. If you practice on your partner, she's probably gonna continue to get frustrated, resentful, irritated, and annoyed. So one of the best places, therefore logic follows to practice is with yourself.
Speaker 0 00:40:48 It goes without saying that if you hear me talking about being present, not being selfish and putting her needs first, well, you might think even though I can't last a long time, or even though I'm not getting as hard as I'd like, I'm gonna make her come first by doing other things, I'm going to take care of her first, before I get mine, and I'm gonna do it by going down on her, fingering her using a toy. And here is where it gets a little tricky because yes, I do think that all of those things are great and they're certainly better than not doing them at all. And I completely agree that it is paramount and essential for a man to make his partner come first before he does a majority, if not all of the time, but what it can't become, what it cannot become is an end all be all substitute for real penetration by can't.
Speaker 0 00:41:36 I mean, she's not gonna like it very much in the long term. You don't want to because you know that you have a hard time staying hard or getting hard or coming too quickly. What have you satisfy her first? Get that out of the way, by doing other things and then penetrate her for your benefit only where you now get to have sex with her until you come, however you like. And then she becomes this sort of like pawn or puppet or someone who's there to satisfy you. And what you have to remember is there's another human being lying there on the bed with you. She's also involved in this. She's not letting you use a body part alone that she doesn't feel or is disconnected from. It's the real deal. She's not just laying there for your benefit just to get your needs met.
Speaker 0 00:42:16 Is she, are you? I hope not. So once again, if you're having regular sex, it's my strong belief that it should be your dominant intention to take care of her and satisfy her first. Ideally with penetration included, even if she can't orgasm strictly that way, but the key word here being specifically through penetration, she might need an additional toy or some CLI stimulation to get there while you're inside of her. But by the simple fact that male and female biology are fundamentally different and it generally takes a man 30 seconds to two minutes to finish while it takes a woman, oh, anywhere from two to 20 minutes to finish. If you really want to have any kind of healthy sexual relationship, you need to put her pleasure first, if you want her to think of you as a good lover, as being considerate, as someone who satisfies her, it cannot be the case that you use her for sex, put yourself inside and finish.
Speaker 0 00:43:11 Whenever you finish leaving her to take care of herself later, or play with herself with the toy, or even if it's you, who's doing that. Like you have sex for the purpose of you coming. And then you go back and facilitate in some other way. That's not an ideal or enjoyable situation. It's better than nothing, but it's not going to be a marker for long term success. Also, bear in mind that just generally making a woman come does not mean you've reached the finish line. One is oftentimes, and for most women, just the beginning, it's like a nice warmup for what's to come. And if you wanna hear more about that, check out the episode called the female sexual response cycle from season two, orgasms for women are really a double edged sword because if you spend your entire night trying to get her there, then you miss out on all the beautiful parts beforehand, the journey and not the destination. While at the same time, most people would agree that having her have multiple great orgasms, if she's capable of doing it is a wonderful thing. So considering that it's extremely easy for 99% of men to come relatively instantaneously, it only makes sense to put a woman's pleasure first and to learn how to handle your pleasure in a way that's mutually beneficial for both of you, rather than you just getting off.
Speaker 0 00:44:31 All right, let's keep exploring some more ideas on how to stay hard and how to stay in the game. I wanna explore this idea of being both selfish and selfless and the ability to ally back and forth between the two. So let's look at being selfless or not selfish. First. What that means is to put your attention onto your partner and get it off of yourself. A lot of times, both not being able to stay hard and coming too quickly has to do with paying way too much attention to what your experience is and what you are going through. Maybe you're too much in your head. Maybe you're thinking about it. Maybe you're getting anxiety. Maybe your heart's beating quicker. Maybe your emotions and movements are too fast. The way that you take your attention off of yourself is by putting your attention somewhere else and that somewhere else can and should be onto your partner.
Speaker 0 00:45:24 So part of being a selfless or giving and loving partner is being able to tune into them and not just please them, but be with them, be present with them, give them attention, love, eye contact presence. Even if you're worried about not being able to maintain an erection or whether you're gonna be hard or not, or you notice that you're not hard in the moment when you think you should be, the first step you can take is to begin to actually enjoy her, allow yourself to get excited, put your attention on her. Do some of the things that you know, you and her will both love. What do you know that turns her on? What do you like to do? That gets a nice sexual response. What do you love about them? What excites you? What turns you on? Do you like the shape of her breasts?
Speaker 0 00:46:09 The size of her ass? The way her stomach looks, the way her thighs look. Do you have any type of unusual fetish? Do you like her little tiny feet or her big hands or whatever? It may be her broad shoulders or tiny little nose or full mouth. Do you like the way she looks at you? Do you like the way she squirts? Do you like seeing her in certain positions? There are so many different places on a woman's body that you can focus on and breathe in, savor her and enjoy that can help to get you excited. And so by putting your attention on them and focusing on them with your eyes, lips, mouth, gaze, touch, et cetera, it makes a difference. And if you've been with someone for a very long time, this can be really tricky to do because you see them differently.
Speaker 0 00:46:54 It's so easy to forget why you are with that person to begin with what attracted you to them. Can you see them not as mom, but as your lover say, for instance, you're thinking about being intimate with your partner right now, how can you look at them? Think of them, or be with them in a way that you find provocative, exciting and arousing. And by the way, I've had hundreds of women tell me in session, they want to be sexualized. You heard that right. Women asking for requesting and wishing that their partner would sexualize them more objectify more, make them feel like a woman, more, use them for sex, more. They desire and crave to be seen as a sexual being, especially if they're spending time in a job or being mom all day in long term relationships and marriages, when that part or that sexual aspect of the relationship has vanished or waned, small disclaimer, that is not going to be every woman.
Speaker 0 00:47:52 However, this happens when they're not receiving sexual attention or love or passion or any kind of sexual activity whatsoever, then yes, looking at them as a sexual being can be a very useful tool. We don't like the word object, but as a sexual person, a sexual being, someone who likes to have sex, this is a very positive thing. So as you're taking your attention off of yourself and putting it onto her, how else would you like to see her? What else excites you about the way she looks? What position would you like to put her in or see her in, or have her get in when you ask her to do so? If she's just laying there, can you put her into a position that you like, if she's in a position that you don't like, or it's not flattering to you, can you move her and adjust her to place her in a way that you find sexually exciting, but is also comfortable for her?
Speaker 0 00:48:41 And you do all of this with her full consent, of course, but what I've found so often with the couples who really are lacking in the intimacy department is that these women are hungry, thirsty ravenous for some sexual attention. And when a man takes the lead and takes charge and does something exciting like this, it can be very exciting for her as well. You know, what's interesting about all this is. We've been talking about this idea of being selfless as a tool to help you get you out of your head so that you can perform better, but you can still see that a lot of these suggestions, even though your attention is on her is also helping you out as well.
Speaker 0 00:49:18 Now, what about the opposite? What does it look like to be a little bit selfish in order to both help you maintain your erection or to keep you from finishing early in this respect being selfish means finding ways to not worry so much about what she's thinking, what she's feeling, how she might be judging you, if you should, or shouldn't do this. If you should touch her this way or that way, it's going to hinder you. If you are being hypervigilant and over actively preoccupied with what you should or should not be doing for her benefit, all of that stuff for men and women keeps you in your head and out of the game. Now, please notice that this is the exact opposite advice that I gave you just a moment ago. And both techniques are applicable a moment ago. I was saying, put her first, give her love, put your attention on her, focus on her body, mind, and soul.
Speaker 0 00:50:07 And now I'm suggesting that in some cases it may help to withdraw your attention from all of that. Especially if you are a giver or a quick trigger. So can you put your attention somewhere else without losing presence? Can you take your attention off of her without being rude, cold or distant? Can you look at the leaves during sex without making her feel like you're shutting down or separating from her so ways that this wouldn't work would be ending intimacy, suddenly running outta the room, cowering in some way, being rude mean or obnoxious to her, but rather while you are with her and while you're connecting with her, can you go inward? Can you stay present? Can you ground yourself again and find ways to take a few deep breaths while you're in the action, or even if you need to pause while you're pushed in, or when you pull out to just breathe for a few moments, if you're having a hard time staying hard, can you close your eyes and fantasize about seeing your partner in a different position or from a different angle?
Speaker 0 00:51:08 Can you remember sometimes it turned you on about the last time you were having sex or a sound she made or something that she did, if you're trying not to finish and you're trying not to let go, can you look at something else or put your attention on something else? Like some leaves outside or something very basic, like the carpet now, especially if you're in relationship with someone and you've already established trust. So you're in a position where you don't have to regularly request and ask for consent or constantly worry about if something is okay or not. If your partner says, listen, you can do whatever you want to me. You have full permission. I love you. You don't have to ask. I want to please you, whatever it is, let's just enjoy ourselves. Then you can give yourself a little more freedom to explore.
Speaker 0 00:51:52 So this idea of being a little selfish, what you need right now without worrying about how you look, what she needs, what she wants, just putting the attention gently back on you to regroup can be really helpful, not worrying about how embarrassing it is of whether you're hard enough or not. No one is rock hard all of the time. And that leads really nicely into this idea of maintaining an erection during sex and some of the things you can do to keep it there, whether we like it or not. There is such a thing as societal pressure. And it also happens to men insofar as the expectation that we should be rock hard, stiff plump, standing at full mask, completely erect at any given moment when in the company of a woman or a partner, but what's really come to light is that often many women have this expectation that simply by seeing her simply when a man's eyes fall on her, that he should be ready to go.
Speaker 0 00:52:52 And to me, the idea that a man should be instantly hard, always hard ready for action. Simply because his eyes have looked at her is not only a fallacy, but rather absurd unless you're 16 years old or you're really, really, really into someone or it's new, or there's something about your chemistry that just works almost no man, barring those who have extraordinarily high sex drives or just sex obsessed looks at a woman and is ready to go all the time. It might be that way in the beginning. It might be that way once in a while, it might be that way for a unique experience. And it might be that way when you've had something to drink, but both on women's. And men's part this expectation that a guy should just be ready by looking at her because he's obsessed with her and is so into her, I think is actually a really toxic belief.
Speaker 0 00:53:39 So many women these days are coming out and telling us well, I'm used to a man being obsessed with me. That's what I expect. They don't say like, or love. They say obsessed. Obsessed is not a healthy word. And along the lines of unhealthy, what do we use as the end all be all measure for whether a band is aroused or not. What do women think is the gold standard, an erection? Is he hard for me? If he's not hard, this must mean that he's not attracted to me or not into me. It's absolutely wonderful. It's mind bending when you've got hot, passionate chemistry. And it's amazing when the guy is into you and he's ready to go, and he's not bogged down by anxiety or life or diabetes or obesity or being in his head and all of the other stuff that we deal with too.
Speaker 0 00:54:25 Yes. But you've gotta understand that it's not the norm and it's not the case for everyone. And it's perfectly fine to not be rock hard while you're making out with your girl while you're undressing your girl, while you're taking her panties off while she's kissing you all over and even right up to the moments before sex. And especially when you're going down on her, none of these moments require you to be hard and ready. And so if you're stifling yourself or you're deciding that you shouldn't have sex or you're pushing it off, or you'd rather masturbate consider that you can give yourself the opportunity to get excited when needed, which means doing things in the moment, making requests of your partner, realizing that sometimes you don't get excited till the very end or until you begin to start having sex. It's all. Okay. And we've gotta say again, that in today's world, women have an expectation that no matter how you look, large breasts, small breasts, pretty breasts, less pretty breasts, wide hips, small hips, hairy, not hairy tan, not tan redhead, Burnett, blonde, big nipples, small nipples, half your head shaved or long hair in a ponytail hair, dye, orange hair dyed rainbow blue.
Speaker 0 00:55:30 Somehow, no matter how you look, you believe that a man truly should be obsessed, that he should be in love with you turned on by you. Heart is a rock and ready to go. And I'm here to tell you that this is just not the case. I would love for that to be the case. I am thrilled if that's what you're used to. It's great. If you're able to manifest that and attract that into your life. But I might be a news. Flash. Men are capable of having sex with many, many, many, many, many kinds of women, and we're not super attracted to each and every one of them, there might be certain qualities or certain aspects of you that we find very arousing, but it may not be something that gets us going every single time. And in fact, many of us men do not solely respond to physical traits and sexual markers.
Speaker 0 00:56:15 Women still continue to believe that. For example, no matter how poorly they eat, no matter how they take care of themselves or how condescending they are to their husband or partner, no matter how sloppy they are, how messy they are, or no matter how disgusting their room in bathroom is no matter what comes outta their mouth, no matter their attitude, no matter how intelligently or unintelligently they speak, no matter if she's posting sexually provocative photos of herself on Instagram that are making other men thirsty for her. When she's involved in a relationship with you, somehow, despite all of these things and many things, unlisted women often believe that they deserve, expect and feel entitled to a man to be endlessly and relentlessly into her. Just because effectively she exists. And interestingly being hard and being ready for her and being willing to have sex when she wants to have sex are included in these expectations.
Speaker 0 00:57:07 Furthermore, she may be unavailable. She may be difficult to get ahold of. She might be bad in bed. There might be a scent or smell. That's very off putting. She may not be very responsive. She might close her eyes and want the lights out during the whole time. God only knows there are numerous things that can lead a man to feel that he's not that into it or not that into you. So it's a slippery slope to demand obsession. Some people kiss too deeply. Some people bite too hard. Some people are too rough, too soft, too gentle. So in that previous list, I'm not trying to throw anybody under the bus here, but I'm just saying none of us are perfect. We are all guilty of some of these things. And some of them can be big turnoffs and are off putting it. Doesn't strictly come down to a man's eyeballs looked at me and I'm upset now because he's not hard.
Speaker 0 00:57:56 I wanna add here because it feels appropriate that in many relationships, any time that a woman is ready for sex, that she wants it or she's expecting it. The expectation is that the man should instantly be ready for it as well. Because after all isn't that what all men want and our entire beautiful woman don't I deserve this. Shouldn't he be fawning all over me, but you know where we're going with this. Let's flip that for a moment and say, imagine that every single time your man wanted sex, you felt the expectation. You felt the pressure he thought to himself. Well, she better damn well be ready when I wanted, what if he expected you to be wet and ready and do whatever he wanted to do. Some of you know, this feeling very well and most of you don't like it. So the point being there are a dozen things that can also turn a man off, including your own attitude in how you're treating him.
Speaker 0 00:58:46 If he's not feeling loved, appreciated, or respected, and including very basic things like having a long or rough day, sometimes it's tricky to get there based exclusively on a woman's rules for sex that she has for herself and consequently for her partner. For example, there are many women who, well, they don't want their stomach touched because that makes 'em feel fat and they don't want their thighs touched because they're insecure about the cellulite there, their clips very sensitive, and you shouldn't go for her breast right away, because maybe that's not appropriate or too sexual, or maybe her nipples are too sensitive to the touch. Plus that just means all you want is sex. Anyway. So don't spend too much time there. And she wears a lot of makeup, so she doesn't want her face touched. And she spent a lot of time on her hair.
Speaker 0 00:59:27 So don't touch her hair and certainly don't run your fingers through it. Cuz there could be a weave or there could be extensions and of course, feet can be super creepy. So don't touch her feet or her toes. So if you're in a relationship with someone who's a little bit like that or a lot like that, where exactly does a man put his hands? What is he really supposed to do? If this is off limits, that's off limits. You're particular, you're finicky. You don't want, most of your body touched. You are of course allowed to feel this way, but this can be very off putting to a man as well. And hence can also lead to him not being turned on. And I'm really taking the time to explain these unique situations, not to make anyone seem better or worse, not to bash on men or bash on women or anything like that.
Speaker 0 01:00:10 But because these things actually happen and this stuff goes really deep. It can't just be about anymore. Well, why isn't he hard? Or he couldn't get it up last night or it was a problem and yeah, he couldn't satisfy me. And does he have ed and what's wrong with him? In fact, there's a lot of shaming around this subject. There are countless women who go live on their own TikTok videos, talking about men, not being hard or hard enough or big enough for them. So then women say, look at me and look at how I look and why wouldn't he be excited by me? But it's these little actions that actually happen in the bedroom behind closed doors that no one wants to talk about. All of these things contribute to a man not being turned on a man, not feeling attracted to you, a man not being able to maintain his erection and a man not being able to last for very long.
Speaker 0 01:00:57 So I do think it's always a multifaceted problem. It's not just on the guy or just on the girl. It's something that you can work on together. And that's why I've taken all this extra time to include some of the female components as well. So a reminder for men, you do not actually need to worry about how hard you are or if you are hard during foreplay, before sex. And even if you take off your clothes, yes, it feels much better if you are. Yes, many women will appreciate it more if you are. Yes. All the things that you have concerns about are true. But if you can just let the moment breathe a little bit. You can take care of yourself in the long run and you can use some of these other tips, tricks, tools, and recommendations to help get you there. There's a lot you can do without being hard. You can be intimate. You can connect, you can touch kiss, play. It's really important for men and women to reeducate themselves and know that Iraq hard direction is not the end all be all ticket to great intimacy. And that the night doesn't have to be over just because it's not ready. That red hot minute, sometimes arousal is not linear. And it just takes a little bit of time to get a man aroused too. Just like it does for a woman.
Speaker 0 01:02:11 Men, if you're listening, you've probably been in these kinds of situations before. Sometimes you're feeling like something's not working down there or you have a sense that you're just not turned on enough to perform or you're at that point where it's time and you're feeling like it's just not happening. You feel like you should be harder. You feel like you should be more turned on and excited. Maybe you're a little bit older in age, which these days can be thirties and forties, whatever it is suddenly we flush our manhood down the toilet and we say, that's it. I can't, I'm not even gonna do it. I'm not even going to initiate. I'm not gonna start or go down this sexual path because I don't wanna embarrass myself or I don't want her to feel bad or I don't wanna look bad or I don't wanna put myself in an awkward situation.
Speaker 0 01:02:53 Hmm. Maybe I don't wanna feel pressured to have sex. I don't want to feel like it's a chore. Ladies, do some of these feelings sound familiar. And so then men, you think to yourselves, well, this is just gonna ruin the whole thing. So you don't start. And my friends, this is the beginning of the end, that fear and that pressure. So therefore you stop initiating. And then of course women don't usually initiate and now sex isn't happening at all. And that bear is repeating. Often women don't initiate. Often women don't want to initiate. So if the one person who does has decided to stop, who does it usually fall on to get things started back up again, whether we like it or not us, the men, but if you let this go on for too long, which you really don't wanna do now, you're building it up in your head and there's a lot of pressure. You lose your mojo, you lose your confidence, your self-esteem you fear that you won't be able to perform. You won't be able to get hard and you make this big story up in your head. Women do this too, by the way. So you gotta know men avoid sex, just like women. Do men get nervous. Men have anxiety, men shut it down. Men rebuff advances from female partners, women. You're not alone in the world.
Speaker 0 01:04:06 Men, if you are feeling aroused and you are masturbating instead of having sex or you want to have sex with your partner, but you're not sure how to do it, or you're fearful of all these things. I can promise you, your female counterpart would rather you cuddle with her, hold her, play with her, lick her, kiss her, go down on her, enjoy some form of intimacy than have her find out that you're masturbating without her and never having sex with her. Think about for a moment. Why you're with your partner? Is it only and exclusively to have sex with her? Is that her sole purpose? Do you believe that a woman or your partner would never want to interact with you in other ways, such as giving you a hug or a kiss or doing some cuddling or other sexual stuff that doesn't require you to be rock hard?
Speaker 0 01:04:51 You don't think she might want to be kissed, touched stroked, played with fingered, gone down on flirted with winked at, do you think that you shouldn't do any number of intimate sexual acts and you shouldn't connect with your partner at all? Just because you're struggling with being hard. A lot of this needs to be repeated. Women do want sexual intimacy and they would rather take something than nothing at all. What does that like all of the things that women wish that you did anyway, attention, love, care, sexuality, and that includes taking care of them with your mouth, using a toy, using your hands. Now we spoke earlier about how that's not the only thing you should be doing. Yes, penetration is very important, but in times when it's not available at all, these certainly are viable alternatives. Often it's like people forget about being close, being loving, tender, connected, soft with one another cuddling, spooning, taking care of one, another, giving each other massages. Rubdowns rubbing the person's neck, feeling their scalp, just running your fingertips over the person, finding out different ways to excite them instead of staring down between someone's legs and expecting them to be hard.
Speaker 0 01:06:06 And then finally, gentlemen, think about it yourself for a moment. If your partner decided one day that you get nothing, no matter how much you wanna be with her, no matter how turned on you are, no matter how ready you are to give her pleasure nada, she doesn't allow it. Why? Because she's feeling insecure or she's worried that she's too dry or there's something about the way she looks or she gets really in her head or insecure about something. So she's decided, you know what, I'm not even gonna do it. I'm not even gonna try. And in fact, sometimes you catch her in the bathroom masturbating and having orgasms, but she won't come near you. How would you feel? Would that work for you?
Speaker 0 01:06:46 So often men feel when it comes to staying hard or lasting longer that they are alone in this or that it's all their fault or that there's something wrong with them. And the unfortunate truth is oftentimes women feel the same. They think back to their previous experiences of men who were obsessed with them or men who had no problem with this. And they think, well, sometimes they internalize it and they think maybe he's not attracted to me or into me, but often they also think he's got a problem or they just go right to ed. And this negativity creates an enormous amount of pressure on men. So if you're a woman listening, even if you've been patient with your man for many months and many years, finding a way to tap into your loving or your nurturing side, being the supportive woman that you wanna be instead of condemning or getting frustrated, angry, and irritable or worse, pretending something's wrong is going to be immeasurably helpful.
Speaker 0 01:07:37 And I know you've probably been patient for a long time. How do you find that? Again? It's not easy, but the alternative of being cruel mean distant cold or shut down is not gonna help his situation at all. Just like someone putting pressure on you, if he was mean or agitated or abrupt or wanted you to hurry up and get there and get excited, wouldn't work on a female body. So even though this may be an uncomfortable situation for you women, there are some things that you've gotta know that just don't help. Number one, pretending like everything's fine. Even though you're feeling really awkward, uncomfortable, anxious, or insecure. Why? Because when a woman is uncomfortable, the whole room knows it. So when you're pretending everything's fine and you say, oh no, no, it's fine. It's fine. Don't worry about it. But deep down, you're feeling some real hard insecurity about something it's obvious it, we can feel it.
Speaker 0 01:08:31 And it goes right to the erection or lack thereof. So pretending while you are vibrating, total discomfort really, really lays the pressure on thick for the man involved. And I just want to acknowledge for the ladies. I understand sometimes you think that a man not being hard for you means that there's something wrong with you. And many of you do take it personally and get insecure yourself about these things. I think it would be great if no one felt blame and felt like they needed to take responsibility for it and just let it be letting it be and exploring sexuality and intimacy in all different ways can usually wind up solving this issue when there's not glaring attention on it, or pretending that there's nothing wrong. And then just like we've been VOing back and forth, both sides with being selfish and being selfless. Ladies, you also don't want to bring so much attention to it that he feels self-conscious again, exactly in the same way.
Speaker 0 01:09:33 You wouldn't want a man to bring to your attention. You didn't shave or shave well enough. Or there's some funny bumper blistered down there, or you're too dry or too this or too that you wouldn't want such overt direct attention when you're naked and vulnerable, right. Men feel the same way. So if you're visually getting turned off or upset or making faces or making rude or inconsiderate comments, maybe you think that the moment is gone and you quickly get dressed or put clothes on or say, you know what? Just don't worry about it. Or you shut the whole thing down simply because he's not ready in the exact moment that you are, or when you were hoping to have it happen. It's really not cool. And none of it's going to be helpful to get what you actually want, which is sex closeness and a connection.
Speaker 0 01:10:18 Do you really wanna go through all of this fus? Just because you're looking at a soft cock, come on now, have you ever been in the middle of sex or maybe it's after sex and someone says something and it makes you feel very, very uneasy or uncomfortable. You know how you get that feeling of wanting to cover up or put your clothes back on quickly, women, you know that feeling of vulnerability all too well where something gets awkward or uneasy and you just need to get dressed and go. You just have to put your panties on. You're just gonna leave. You just wanna get fully clothed or you wanna rinse off and go home. Well for men too, it's hard to be vulnerable, naked exposed. When someone's overly concerned about you not being hard and you're sitting there feeling soft. So the solution is really simple. Women tend to be more nurturing, more loving, more patient. Can you tap into that part of you? That is like that and just be great to him. Don't make it a big deal. Don't make it a small deal. Don't pretend don't freak out. Just be cool. Be cool. And you can have a really wonderful night together.
Speaker 0 01:11:28 Now another secret thing that doesn't really come up in general discourse is that both parties often feel that there should be no touching of the genitals whatsoever when it's time to have sex, if he's soft and it's almost like everyone avoids it like the plague, why is everyone so scared to touch it when it's soft or help him get there simply because he's not fully there and ready. It's a question you should ask yourself. As we've learned, often people think possibly you, if a partner doesn't have a rock, hard raging erection, then why even bother. And I think I've spoken about this in other episodes too, but it is critically important to embrace someone in their softness equally, as much as when they are in their hardness. Why is it so difficult for people to get comfortable with the idea of a soft penis or a soft cock or a knot rock hard cock ladies, would you like your man to completely avoid touching your breasts entirely or perhaps avoid looking at them altogether?
Speaker 0 01:12:32 Just because your nipples weren't hard. Would you like him to avoid having sex with you or trying to warm you up or going near you? Just because you weren't wet. Would you like him to think, oh, well she's not wet. So why bother as opposed to, oh, she's not wet yet. There's some work to be done. Let me warm her up. Let me get things started. If a man saw that your nipples weren't hard or that you weren't wet, would you like him to leave? Go home, get frustrated with you. Get disgusted, turned off. Wanna shut the whole thing down. <laugh> it sounds absurd. It sounds impossible. Well, the same thing applies with a softer flacid cock. I know those two words don't sound great together in the same way. Dry vagina doesn't sound great together, but how can you actually have fun with it?
Speaker 0 01:13:22 It's the same thing. Just not en Gorge with blood. It responds to the same type of stimulus. What would you want someone to do with you? If you weren't excited, how would you like them to be? Think about that and then do that to him. He has the potential to get there. It's likely and mostly all in his head anyway. Why not embrace your partner? Even if it's someone who's new and help your man get there. And then men, the number one and final piece of advice here is to not be afraid to touch yourself, to not be afraid, to be naked in front of your female partner and put your hands on your body, touch it, stroke. It love it. Feel it, squeeze it, masturbate it, whatever it takes to get there. Try letting go of the fear of contact with yourself. I cannot emphasize this enough, how important it is this can actually make or break your experience and make the difference between whether everything gets shut down or you actually continue to have sex or do something sexual.
Speaker 0 01:14:28 It doesn't have to be exactly how you masturbate in private. If that's a unique technique, it can just be stimulation in some way. How else would you get there on your own? Just with your eyes alone? Is that what you do when you're watching something on the internet? If you need some help, getting there, try putting your own hands on your own body, wet your hands, use some lube, use something else. Use saliva, use coconut oil, do this in a confident way in front of your partner and watch the magical results. Imagine how fun it would be. If she watched you invite her to lend a helping hand, do it together, stand over her very confidently into it. Touch yourself with one hand while you play with her with another, of course the possibilities are endless, but the more you can bring your confident, naked self to the table, without any fear of what it means by putting your hands on yourself, the better the experience is gonna be.
Speaker 0 01:15:24 Where does this expectation come from? That when you're thrusting and it pops out and bends almost from being hurt, which is awful, uh, that still stays hard. That when you're changing positions, it still stays super hard. When you relax for a moment or giggle about something or laugh or something awkward happens that it still stays hard. Listen, the reality is that with all of the daily stress that we now experience in life of working from home kids at home after school programs, our crazy lives and corporate jobs, the activities we like to do, our pets and animals, the food that we eat, the pills that we're on, obesity, running rampant, how often you actually practice having sex, how often you touch yourself, your comfort level with yourself and being naked, how you were raised and how sex was brought up in your household. If at all, whether or not you're attracted to your partner, whether your partner has gained a ton of weight, lost a ton of weight, changed drastically in their appearance.
Speaker 0 01:16:15 In some way, there are so many factors that come into play as to whether someone's going to be excited or not. After speaking to countless men about this, I've learned that some men are nervous or petrified about taking themselves and adjusting themselves so that they can slide back in slide in for the first time, change angles, and put it back in it's as if they want it to happen all on its own, without doing anything. Women are more comfortable reaching down there and putting it where it needs to go. It's like they wanted to slide back in without anyone really noticing or look king or making it happen on its own. Yeah. All that's possible. And you can do it, but if you're having some trouble, why not guide yourself? Haven't you ever seen in the movies where women do it or they take it and they put it in it doesn't always just slide right in so easily without a little guidance.
Speaker 0 01:17:04 Another solution to this is to just put yourself right on top of her, right on top her vagina and on her clip and just rub up and down, back and forth a little bit while it gets her wetter more excited while it stimulates you and then begin to change the angle and slide back inside in some gentlemen, there is absolutely no need to be hands off in a sexual situation. Putting your hands on yourself does not mean anything bad whatsoever. You can practice doing this in front of your partner. You can ask her to touch you. You can both do it together. You're allowed and you have permission. And most importantly, doing it in a confident way, not in a shy or embarrassed way. For instance, you don't want to turn your back to her, look down and hunch over and try to do something quick. When she's not noticing that's no fun. That's very different than just confidently sitting in front of her, holding it, touching it, even looking in her eyes while you're doing it or looking at her body it's could be very exciting. So hopefully you've seen, there are an enormous amount of things that both people can do to create comfort around not being hard or not lasting long enough,
Speaker 0 01:18:17 Be easy about this, have fun with this, get playful with this. Certainly don't be afraid to get sexy with this. So much about arousal deals with your brain's chemistry. What's going on in your head, how comfortable you are, how relaxed you are. A lot of people say, I think it's all in my head and to some degree you're right, you're there to have fun. You're there to explore one another and dive deeper into the closest that the two of you are sharing love is the order of the day, almost every single time. So bringing a sweetness and patience and sense of love and kindness back into your sexuality, as opposed to all the other negative emotions is I would say an imperative and you can search YouTube for tips and tricks on how to stay hard or how to not finish quickly. But I think a lot of these principles here address the core issues of what's going on that fundamental, raw feeling of really being connected with your partner and not letting nervousness and insecurity and shyness or expectations about what sex has to be or should be, get in the way of you having a wonderful time.
Speaker 0 01:19:21 So thank you for listening. I hope that this leads to many more fascinating encounters between you and your partner. And if you still find that you want additional help or support through this subject, don't hesitate to come visit my office in sunny San Diego, with your partner and for now join me soon in the next episode, if you haven't already done. So please consider subscribing to us on YouTube at youtube.com/closeness. You can also find the closeness podcast everywhere podcast can be found, including Spotify, Stitcher, der, iHeart, Google, and apple. You can also follow us on Instagram at crave closeness. Thanks for listening and have a great day.
