Episode Transcript
Speaker 0 00:00:00 Welcome to the closeness podcast, your new sexual education. My name is tar I'm your host. And in today's episode, we are looking at the 10 things that women can do to be more sexually attractive, desirable, and better in, and even outside of the bedroom. Now, despite the title, this is not exclusively for women to listen to. I would strongly recommend men do as well and weigh in on if they agree or not. Because men you're going to get a lot of insights into female nature and how women work, how they think. And maybe most importantly, you're going to understand what sometimes some of their default behavior is and what it looks like so that you can be a more sensitive and receptive lover. Now it just wouldn't be a closeness episode if I didn't begin with the obligatory disclaimers. So let me quickly tell you what this episode is not about.
Speaker 0 00:00:46 I'm not going to tell you what you should do with your body. I'm definitely not here to tell you whether or not you should do any cosmetic procedure necessary or not. And I think you'll be pleasantly surprised to know that this will be absolutely nothing like one of those YouTube videos or Cosmo magazine articles of how to turn him on in the bedroom. 10 hot sizzling tips to get him rock hard. Now, no ladies, you can do a Google search for that. Or you can read some smut in a magazine stand. This is going to be a lot more intricate and interesting. Now there's also not going to be any woman bashing. It's not a misogynistic or hate peace. If you've ever listened to me before, you know, I'm very pro woman. I love women and I certainly support female empowerment, especially in the bedroom, but like everyone, we all can do better.
Speaker 0 00:01:31 And we all have blind spots and there's always room for improvement. And sometimes in fact, I would go so far as a saying, most times, either men don't know how to speak up themselves and say these things they're scared to. They're intimidated to say anything at all to their partner or women make it so intimidating to say these things because they get mean vengeful angry. They shut down, they get insecure, they get revenge. And so often men find it's easier to just say, you're perfect, babe. I love you. You're amazing. Whatever you say, whatever words you use to express yourself are all perfect. Whatever you want, it's yours. Anything you wanna do, I support you in your decision. And then we have an entire universe of woman running around who are unfathomably vain thinking that they're perfect tens that they can do no wrong that everything and anything they say and do is perfect.
Speaker 0 00:02:19 And that no further improvement, accountability or growth is needed. But as we all well know, life would not be any fun without any growth in more ways than one. So here's what you gotta know. I am asked constantly in my clinic by women because oftentimes women come in by themselves to see me. They wanna know what they can specifically do to be a better lover in the bedroom. And that answer is not always about being more sexual or giving a better blow job or dressing up in lingerie, even though all of these things work wonders sometimes. But you know, despite male fantasy of women coming out naked from the shower, dripping wet or in thigh highs or in a beautiful pair of panties and just a assertively and aggressively navigating her way all around his body, seduction actually, and often moves in one direction. Doesn't have to, but it's what tends to be the case.
Speaker 0 00:03:14 It's usually the man initiating doing things to the woman and he's seducing her, enticing, her opening, her, penetrating her, pushing into her. And she tends to be in a more receptive state of mind or she's in more of a receiving mode, even though yes, of course women can be assertive on top and initiate, but nevertheless women wanna know how they can be a better lover, a better partner and how they can please their man even more. And so a lot of this very similar to how men have to do the exact same thing. When they're learning how to please their woman, it's an UN layering process. It's things that you're already doing that you probably don't have to do anymore or things that we need to amplify in areas that are a little weaker. So in traditional closeness fashion, here are a collection of suggestions, tips, ideas, and thoughts that perhaps you never thought of before.
Speaker 0 00:04:04 And then lastly, I'm a big fan of weighing in on both sides of arguments. So a few of these suggestions may appear to be a little contradictory at first, but it's not to suggest that you need to be perfect, that your man doesn't need lots of improvement or work himself or that you never get it right, or that you're damned. If you do damned, if you don't and you get heat from both ends, but you gotta know, we live in a world of extremes right now. And a lot of us have taken on certain behaviors that can either be toned down a little bit or enhanced to me. It's very important if you're going to be in a healthy relationship to not regularly be on the extreme end of things, such that it doesn't cause us pain hurt frustration or dissatisfaction in our partner. So here's an example of what that looks like with suggestion.
Speaker 0 00:04:48 Number one, are you ready? My first strong recommendation is that you speak up, you have just got to speak up, ladies. It sounds inherently simple, but so often women are waiting around in the bedroom for their man to do something hoping he's gonna do something. And the guy has no idea that you actually want something to happen or that you need something different or they're just letting him do whatever he wants to do and letting it happen without saying anything about it. And what that means is sexually speaking ladies, you're allowing things to happen to your body and be done to you and your body that you don't necessarily like. And in some cases you really don't like, and I don't believe that you have to live life like that. There shouldn't be a reason why you can't speak up for yourself in the bedroom when things are being done to you, that you don't like, or if you'd rather have something else done to you instead, you're certainly allowed to make requests about what you like, what you prefer.
Speaker 0 00:05:45 And of course you can bring suggestions into the bedroom as well. A lot of women feel like they have to walk on eggshells with bringing these things up to their man, but you can try just saying it. The timing doesn't always have to be right the way it, it often does with you in every loving relationship, there has got to be space to tell your partner what you don't like. Regardless of whether you're with a dominant man, a quiet man, an awkward man, an aggressive man, an assertive man. Now, if you're with someone where you feel like you can't speak up or you're gonna get hurt, you definitely wanna seek professional help and perhaps get the law involved. But for all other relationships where you just don't talk about it, or you've just sort of gone along with whatever he does to you, because he's the man or you think it's your wifely duty to have sex the way he wants it, or you think it's your obligation to please him or you're so stuck on his program that lasts two to four minutes.
Speaker 0 00:06:37 Well, I'm here to say there's usually absolutely no reason why you can't use your words because no one should be. And no one is a mind reader. You wanna speak up and say, ouch, that hurts. You know, I've never really liked this position. I don't like this, babe. Can we switch it up? Hey, can you pull out for a moment? I have to take a breather. Whew. Just too much for me. Can you not thrust so deep, please? I'd really like to come first. This time. I'd really like to come first every time before you do, you know, your tongue is about one inch away from a spot. That's gonna feel really good. Oof. You're so close to an area that makes me go crazy with your tongue on my cl like that. Can you just move a millimeter up seven o'clock babe or on the contrary, babe, you're just going too slow.
Speaker 0 00:07:24 Give it to me harder, deeper, faster. Okay. I wanna get on top. You can be more assertive or be more aggressive with me. I won't break. Are you worried about bruising? His masculinity or his ego? So what no one deserves to be in pain. No one should be riving and suffering through discomfort during sex. And no one needs to be having the exact same kind of sex over and over and over again for years, especially if you're with one of those kinds of men who can also use some very serious help himself where he's just doing it to you in one position, usually where there's no eye contact and he can't see you sadly and much to my chagrin. I hear this all the time in session. He only wants to have sex and doggy style. My face is buried in the covers. He always turns me on my side and I'm not looking at him in the eyes.
Speaker 0 00:08:09 There's no connection. There's times where I'm riving in pain. And he has no idea. There's times where I've been crying and he didn't know about it. There's times where I've just been taking it and taking it because I think I'm doing a wifely duty or giving him what he wants. How disgusting, how ugly. Yeah. I'm using strong judgmental language. Cuz I want that to sink in our bodies are very sensitive and women's bodies remember and hold onto pain, resentment and hurt. And when things like this happen to you, they tend to stick and they build resentments in other places. So men, if you're listening to this, how on earth can you possibly read or care about what your partner's going through? If you're never looking at her, I can't tell you what, what a turnoff it is to almost all women to always be pounded or put through the same position.
Speaker 0 00:09:01 I can't begin to tell you how disconnected women feel because you make no effort at eye contact with them in and outta the bedroom. Are there women who love doggy style? Sure. Is it a great position? Yeah, it's very primal. It could be awesome. Does doing it all the time where you're never seeing your partner's face make any sense? No ladies does taking it all the time in one position where you're not connected. Probably not satisfied. Probably not even coming. Does that make sense? No. Even if you're in missionary and he's laying on top of you, but his head is buried in the pillow next to you or down by your neck, which can normally be very intimate if he's paying attention, but not if he's zoned out and pounding, all of this is very unattractive and these are things that you want to speak up about now does a man have a responsibility to be a sensitive lover?
Speaker 0 00:09:50 Sure. Should he pay attention and read your signals? Absolutely. That's something that I teach, but most men don't do this. Whose responsibility though, is it to speak up for themselves? And I feel like it falls on the person who's having things done to them. If I'm having something done to me, for example, let's say I'm getting a massage. And even though it hurts, I don't like it. It's not helping me. And it's actually making me feel more uncomfortable than if I didn't do anything for myself at all. Is there a benefit to that? I don't wanna embarrass her. I don't wanna make her feel uncomfortable. I don't wanna ask her to go a little lighter or softer or harder. Should I not speak up? Just so I don't make the massage therapist feel uncomfortable. Of course not. I'm gonna let them know. Hey, that hurts.
Speaker 0 00:10:34 Hey, can you go a little softer, be a little gentler I'm paying for this or this is meant for me. I want to get the most out of it. Similarly when you're in bed with a man and he's inside of you and you've got his ear right there, you can speak up. You're allowed to say, Hey, look at me. Yeah, look at me for more than one second. Can you sit up a little bit? Hold on, let me adjust. This doesn't feel good. Can you connect with me for a minute? You know, it's quite a trip because women oftentimes will complain to all of their girlfriends, all of their gay male friends, heck even possibly to other suitors. If they're looking at cheating about how poorly they're treated or how their man is emotionally unavailable or how they can't communicate or how he doesn't do this or that.
Speaker 0 00:11:19 But do they ever bring it up to him in a direct and clear way? I don't like this, please don't do this to me again. Here's what I'd rather. Can you try this? And I understand ladies, it is hard for you to do. No woman wants to teach her man how to be sexual in the bedroom with any regularity, but who else is gonna do it? Who's gonna come in there and help you. If not you me. Am I gonna come in there? Well, I guess maybe no, but especially if you're in a situation where you're not enjoying yourself, you're experiencing pain. You've not only gotta speak up, but taking action is also helpful. Let me get on top. Why don't you do it to me like this? Hang on, babe. I'm gonna get on my back so that you can fuck me this way.
Speaker 0 00:12:02 I think you get the idea. So now let's take a look at the other side of this. The other extreme suggestion, number two, which is stop talking so much. Woo. What do I mean by that suggestion? Number one, speak up suggestion. Number two, stop talking. This is for the girl who seems to be more and more common these days who doesn't have a filter or much awareness of her surroundings. Once she starts talking, this is a person who, how can I say it? It feels like she's using you as her journal, but instead of gathering and collecting her thoughts internally or with a pen, she's doing it verbally expecting you to be attentive to the entire thing. And as many women have put it privately to me, when it happens to them, barfing emotions, giving mind vomit, there's nothing actually inquisitive about what she's sharing.
Speaker 0 00:12:51 We're not even sure she knows what she's sharing. She doesn't want to hear your opinions. She doesn't want to even ask about you. Someone who's in this state has an inability to connect to authentically connect with you. That plus an absence of eye contact is usually present. I hear about this sort of thing all the time in clinic, and I've also conducted numerous social experiments. Here are the results. How do I go about doing it? I talk to women, girlfriends, acquaintances, strangers, people at the store, people at the studio sometimes even lovers. And all I do is listen. I give my presence, my eye contact, my calm nature, and I give my undivided attention. I'm also quick to have a respons if necessary and be ready to jump in with things to share. So it doesn't seem like I'm just standing there. And what happens is shocking.
Speaker 0 00:13:40 After a couple brief interactions where we might be talking a little bit back and forth for maybe less than a minute. So many women almost seem to lose consciousness and they begin talking. I'm not sure to who, but they just go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on a nauseam add infinitum. But please hear the difference between communication, which is beautiful. I'm not encouraging women to never speak or not speak their mind or not speak up for themselves. I want to and love having deep, profound conversation with women, but I don't want to be spoken at, I don't want someone talking at me nonstop without ever taking into consideration. Whether I might be interested to hear it, whether I might be engaging with it or not. Whether they have my attention without taking a breath sometimes without looking at me and without me being able to get a word in edgewise.
Speaker 0 00:14:34 Now, how long do you suppose women will speak for unattended? Like if you don't interrupt and you don't push your opinion or thoughts onto them, if you just let them talk without interruption, friends, listeners, ladies, 30 nonstop minutes, 40 minutes, 50 minutes. I can think of over 10 women who can talk for two hours straight without me getting one word in edgewise. These are hours. I can't get back to my life. Now I'm not talking about any clients here. I'm not talking about someone who comes in to see me for real emotional help. Because obviously that is exactly what you're allowed to do. You can express yourself in any way, shape or form because that's the whole point, you know, up to 60 to 70% of women who contact me, come in to see me by themselves first without their partner, because they wanna do just that.
Speaker 0 00:15:21 They want to air some things out. But that's a very different dynamic than if you're talking to a date or a friend or even worse. Someone who I don't know a perfect stranger. Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no. You gotta know. It's not doing anything for him. It's not doing anything for your partnership either. It's not helping you guys connect. It's not helping him feel closer to you. Certainly not helping him feel like he wants to spend more time with you. And most importantly, it doesn't make us feel sexually attracted to you rather. It's something that he, we are tolerating and it's easy to see. Just turn the tables. You can't handle it. If we do it. If we talk to you nonstop for 30 minutes about sports cars, fantasy football, our corporate job, video games, God forbid, you'd think we were quite rude.
Speaker 0 00:16:08 You wouldn't be able to tolerate it yourself. You wouldn't be getting wet from that. And it certainly wouldn't make you wanna feel closer. So if prior to having sex or after having sex, you never stop talking that kills any potential for sexual desire. I'm not saying don't communicate or have a conversation with your partner. I'm not saying don't speak. I know just what you're saying. I'm saying don't speak without being present or conscious or with a purpose or because you actually want to connect. You wanna start to become aware of when you go off on tangents, when you're getting lost in the woods, when your husband's eyes are getting glazed over, because you can't follow all the different things you're talking about, or just start musing in your own thoughts, or you take eye contact away from who you're talking to. Even if you're laying in your partner's arms and you're talking, it can be an amazing place to have a conversation, but keep it connected.
Speaker 0 00:17:01 A lot of women think, well, if he wants to be with me, this is who I am or how I made. He needs to deal with it or get used to it or appreciate it or love it or admire it to which I say no, Lola, what man gets to say, look, this is who I am. I bang you out. I last two minutes. Then I hop off the bed immediately and go get a beer and just start watching TV and leave you there on the bed. I don't really care about her needs. I do it my way. I'm trying to get mine. I've got sexual needs here. I don't really care about your feelings. This is how I do things. Take it or leave it. This is who I am. Hey, look, if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best, please.
Speaker 0 00:17:35 How repulsive and disgusting does that sound relationships require sensitivity and compromise. So if you're forcing men forcing because you just don't stop and you don't have awareness that you're doing this forcing men to say, Hmm, oh really? I never knew. Wow. Wow. Wow, wow. Crazy. Oh my God. Really? And you are just riffing off that. Yeah, I know. And dah, dah, like it is mind numbing and it's such a turnoff. Having a conversation and being spoken to is very different than being spoken at. And by the way, men aren't immune to this either. I've been in several interactions with some of my father's acquaintances or friends when I've gone to see them, they've shaken my hand and just started talking and never stopped. I'm just standing there wide eyed and bewildered. How do you have so much to say to me, I don't even know you.
Speaker 0 00:18:32 So ladies surely you've been in front of someone like this. Maybe it's a grandfather. Maybe it's a partner you have. Now I know you don't find it attractive. And I know you don't think to yourself. Wow. Every single thing this guy is saying is just riveting to me. Same for you. Every single word. Doesn't carry importance. Every single word concept and idea does not carry weight. I can't tell you how many times I've heard women say, we're hating this girlfriend now. Oh, okay. We don't talk to this girlfriend the next day. They're Beck's friends the next day. She's hating her again. The next day she's so annoyed. And then they're back together again. But in the domain of romance, intimacy and sexuality, as much as women are different from men and it is necessary to embrace these differences, celebrate them and honor them too much talking from either partner when in excess or when the partner isn't present is very unattractive.
Speaker 0 00:19:23 And by the way, so you know that it's fair. When I am working with men and I'm showing them how to talk to women. I'm often encouraging them to be way more succinct, to be direct, to just get it out. And you know what happens when they are their partners get turned on. So really what we're talking about here is the ability to be present it's presence. The ability to have wherewithal in a conversation to know when your partner's tuning out or losing interest because you haven't stopped or caught your breath. And I know this sounds offensive when a man is telling a woman, this, it sounds weird, but why doesn't it sound weird? When a woman says, man, I wish he'd just shut up and stopped talking. Everything was fine until he opened his mouth. I was so turned on by him until he said something. See how that works. A conversation should look like receptivity on both ends interest on both ends asking the other person a question or simply pausing to take a breath.
Speaker 0 00:20:26 Now here's an interesting little aside. Usually people don't talk a whole lot in the bedroom. People aren't very vocal, but something really interesting happens when you are very present with a woman. If you make love or fuck your woman very, very well. And you give her the time and space to come, you give her her time and room to relax and settle into the mattress or floor. If you give her room to express herself physically, sexually, sexually, sometimes the aftermath of that after you cuddle her and hold her and just give her that nice tender closeness will send her off into an unstoppable rampage of conversation. Truly just like a download of information where she's speaking and speaking and speaking and speaking and speaking and speaking and speaking, and I'm emphasizing this like this I'm being redundant to say it's unfathomable. I've just had so many personal experiences where I've sat there, staring at her watching while she looks at the ceiling or looks somewhere else or is even looking at me and just talking and talking and talking and talking without stopping.
Speaker 0 00:21:38 And now what's interesting is that's a Testament to how comfortable and safe she feels and ability to express herself, which in itself is really beautiful. But to a certain point, because you can also cuddle, you can look in each other's eyes, you can just spend quality time together or have a conversation. So in some, can you be who you wanna be? Hell yeah. Are you a very talkative person? No problem. Do you like to express yourself in a loud and bold and colorful way? Great. But if you're interested in being a better lover or a better partner for your man, and you wanna know some specific things that help sexually or erotically being more present and more engaged in conversation, or even just quiet together with your partner is going to stoke that fire suggestion. Number three, the ability for a woman to tune in and be receptive to her partner's advances.
Speaker 0 00:22:35 Now receptive does not mean take whatever he gives you. Don't speak up about it. Have no say so in the matter, have things done to you that you don't like let whatever happens happen. It means being receptive to his advances without rebuffing him right away, without rejecting him, insulting him, putting him down, saying sex, isn't gonna happen. I'm not in the mood. It's not happening tonight. Or when you get that spy sense that says, Ooh, I know what this is. He's coming at me with that. Look, he's coming at me with that energy. He wants sex. I'm saying you don't have to shut the whole thing down. And if you want your relationship to work and you truly are actually interested in consensually having sex with your partner, you can certainly interrupt right there and have a little conversation. Say something like I'm not in the mood for sex right now, but I'd love to connect with you or hold you, or maybe later tonight, or, Hey, let's just do this instead.
Speaker 0 00:23:26 But being receptive is about acknowledging that often. It's the case that you run around day to day stuck in your head. Maybe you're thinking too much. Maybe you are struggling with the day's duties and chores and kids and life and work and on and on so that when your man comes over to you because he's attracted to you because he wants you or he wants to have sex with you, he wants to connect with you. And he greets you with some sexual presence or masculinity or touches you or compliments you or comes to give you kisses or slaps your butt or squeezes it, or picks you up and puts you on the counter while being sexually receptive is not shutting the whole thing down right away, unless you really need to do that. But it's about taking a breath, maybe even another one.
Speaker 1 00:24:17 Hmm.
Speaker 0 00:24:19 And you give yourself an actual moment to get outta your head, to let the energy shift, to change your mood, to melt or meld into a different state of mind. It's not instant for women. Usually it takes time. It takes a few seconds. And I tell this to men all the time, men, you've gotta give them space to transition and not take it. So personally, if she rejects you right away, or if she's not in the head space to do this or that, you gotta not take it so personally so that you can continue forward and be a little bit more dominant and assertive if that's what she's looking for. But ladies being receptive to your man's advances can be such a beautiful thing. Women often are always in the receiving mode. When it comes to sex, you take something inside of you in more than one place. It's a constant taking to do that. That sounds simple enough, but you've gotta be in the head space of being receptive to be more receptive. This is another area where again, I think it comes down to your presence, your ability to be grounded, breathing less anxiety during the day,
Speaker 0 00:25:36 Taking time for yourself, doing things for yourself. This doesn't mean what most women interpreted as is like spot A's and shopping and spending a ton of money on yourself. Although it may look like that it's being centered throughout your day, not getting frazzled, not getting so worked up. And the more receptive you can be, the more exciting it can be for your partner. All right. The next two suggestions are really big ones. Number four is don't have sex with someone who you don't enjoy having sex with no matter what your relationship is with them, including your boyfriend or husband, if you're tolerating it, if you're dealing with it, if you don't like it, if it's a chore, if you're doing it as a wifely duty, I don't recommend continuing to have sex with someone who's making you feel that way. If he's finishing in two minutes, if it's too rough, if it's too soft, if it's too boring, if it's the same thing every time, if it feels awkward, get some help.
Speaker 0 00:26:37 Come in to see me talk about it, have a conversation about it. If it's too hard to do, have it mediated by a professional, but you're really doing yourself a disservice by continuing to have sex with someone where you don't enjoy the sex. Now I personally don't think it's okay to regularly and continuously have sex with someone who you don't like, or you don't respect, or you're not attracted to, or you don't enjoy it. Okay? Number five is very sensitive and this might be a little triggering for some women to listen to, but it sounds something like this. Stop beating a man up emotionally and verbally for mistakes that he's made from the past that happened 1, 3, 5, 10 or 20 years ago. If he's demonstrating the ability and the willingness to change, if he's asked and begged for forgiveness, if he's showing up as a new man or the man, you want him to be so often women continue to put men through the ringer for something that they're still holding onto.
Speaker 0 00:27:44 They're still bitter about they're still hurting about, and he's usually suffering for one event or a few events or a way things used to be, but aren't anymore. And so you put him through it again and again and again, by bringing it up by throwing it in his face, by reminding him of it by acting cold, distant shutting down, pulling back, you have the option to get a divorce. You have the option to break up. You have the choice to not be with this person anymore. And please I take transgressions and painful situations. Very seriously. I understand. It's not easy to get over something. I understand that if someone wrongs you, they shouldn't get off the hook simply by apologizing. And that's that I understand it takes time to heal, but if you're staying and you're holding on to past hurt for years and years and years and not letting go because you can't, or you don't know how you're doing everyone, a huge disservice.
Speaker 0 00:28:37 Now immediately to be fair, I have to say, if you're partnered with someone who hasn't really apologized or hasn't apologized sincerely or feels very differently and doesn't think he needs to clear it up, or isn't interested in hearing you or doesn't wanna take responsibility or accountability or discounts your feelings and emotions. Then he too needs to come in for help where we can mediate something like that and work it out where he understands. This is something big. If you want your woman to have sex with you now, and look at you in a loving way and respect you. And like you, you've gotta clear this up and clear up the emotional hurt further to that betrayal, cheating. This is a very big subject. It's not a matter of a woman just letting go or forgetting and forgiving and moving on. I understand that that takes a lot of work.
Speaker 0 00:29:25 And I'm not specifically talking about situations where you have an agreement, a committed, monogamous relationship or marriage. A man goes and cheats on you one to 10 times, and now you just need to get over it. That would never be something that I'm saying, but sometimes there have been hurtful texts or an exchange between him and another woman that you've never forgotten about or something that he said or did, or he even slept with other women, even if you loved each other, but you weren't considered to be in a committed, monogamous relationship. At some point, you have to find a way to work through these feelings. Other than just feeling resentment, pushing him away or continuing to have sex with someone who you don't feel connected with. Because so often a man wants to be your loving partner. He cares. He wants to be in relationship with you.
Speaker 0 00:30:13 He wants to clear it up. He wants to move past it. He wants to love you. He just wants to love you. There are men who wanna be supportive, kind tender and do anything in their power to fix it, clear it up, move past it. So many men come into my office. Exasperated sad, hurt. My woman treats me a certain way. Sometimes it is even emotionally abusive because she's still holding onto something from the past, or that happened many years ago. And I often demonstrate in the office. I say, here's what it looks like to let go of something. I hold a pen and drop it on the counter. Let it go. It's easy to drop it. It's easy to drop something you're holding onto. It's a lot less easy to drop an emotional issue. You gotta get yourself some help or you have to practice forgiveness, or you have to let it go, or you've gotta trust.
Speaker 0 00:31:05 And believe the words he's saying to you, or you have to have a conversation with your partner about clearing it up, or you have to ask him to be more supportive and loving when you talk about this issue. So you can begin to let it go, do workshops, write it down, burn the paper, have a seance, whatever you have to do, but holding on to the past. And I know there are some horrible things that have happened to you. There are some terrible things that no one deserves to go through. And perhaps for those bigger ones, if you want to, or maybe you will be holding onto them for the rest of your life. But at some point it stops being about what the other person did to you. And you wind up in the role inadvertently of a victim time and time again, because you're still holding onto it.
Speaker 0 00:31:53 You're still tender. There's still that wound. So the only person that winds up hurting, well, not just your partner, but also yourself because you're staying in that emotional pain. If you want to be a better lover, you've got to identify a few things. Does he owe you something? Are you trying to get revenge? Is that what you think is gonna make you feel better? Are you looking for payback? Are you feeling vengeful and spiteful is something still missing that he needs to do for you? Does he need to apologize? Do you have to come in for a session and work it out and have something mediated what's still there? Or are you still holding on unresolved feelings? Some of you women are still having regular sex with your partner while feeling a ton of hurt and resentment. You think about it, you get triggered, then you get all flustered and worked up and then nothing changes.
Speaker 0 00:32:45 But you continue to say, I'm working on it. You talk to all your girlfriends about it. You complain to them about it. But all that happens is the same emotional response. You've gotta get yourself sorted out. Otherwise this is gonna drag on for years and you've gotta stop beating up your partner and yourself for issues that happened a long, long time ago. All right, number six. And we're still a little bit in that emotional pain here is the idea that you don't wanna let insecurities get in the way of a good time insecurities about how you look, if you feel fat or skinny or your boobs aren't big enough or too big, or your butt's too big or a cellulite, or you just had a baby or you've got scarring from a C-section or your hair is thinning or, or, or, or, or listen. Do you ever stop to think that you want your man to see you as a queen, as a goddess, as a beacon of light, as an unstoppable force of love, and you want him to ravish you and think that you're the most beautiful woman in the world, but this is how you feel about yourself.
Speaker 0 00:33:48 There are a million things that we all deal with day in and day out. And yes, it's true. I'll call out the elephant in the room like it or not a woman's sexual value. Her desirability is dictated by what men like and what men want. And one of the big things that men do want, we all know is physically attractive, youthful, vibrant women. We don't all look like this. I understand that doesn't mean that your partner who you're with doesn't love, you doesn't want to have sex with you. And it doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you enough to where these things don't matter, or don't matter much to him. If your man is still getting hard for you still pursuing you, still trying to have sex with you, still wanting to have that emotional connection with you. And again, you're married. So you're only allowed to do it with each other girl.
Speaker 0 00:34:41 You have got to realize what a triumph this is. And by all means, you've got to get over yourself. You've got to tune into and feel what he's feeling towards you, which is how beautiful you actually are to him and how beautiful of a person you actually can be. And sometimes I think that's, the answer is seeing yourself through your partner's eyes, the way he looks at you, the way he compliments you touches you is enraptured by your breasts or your waist or your hips or your infectious smile, or your cute little dimples or the way you feel comfortable enough to make silly faces. He sees you in a different way than you see yourself. So how do you get around this self-love self care, treating yourself, right? Understanding that, yes, it's all a journey we're always working on. It's not easy to get your body back after kids.
Speaker 0 00:35:33 Sometimes it never comes back. It's not easy to have the looks and body that we had when we were 22. Sometimes that never comes back. Well, let's face it. None of us, not men, not women, no one looks the way we did when we were 18, 16, 22, you know, even women who are 20 also feel different than how they felt when they were 18 and women who were 24, feel different than how they felt when they were 20. We changed fast. Gravity is inevitable. Aging is inevitable and our looks and appearance changing is inevitable. We've got to come to terms with it. You wanna change it, exercise, do something about it, but don't keep punishing yourself and your partner in the bedroom by limiting all of the sexual and sensual fun that you can have together when your man wants to have a really good time with you. But you're feeling insecure about the way you look, be easy about it. Be gentle, dim, the lights, light a candle, keep a little bit of a shirt on around your waist. If you need to, if that's what you're super conscious about, or pull your panties to the side, or you can do little tricks and things like that temporarily, but you really want to get in touch with being okay with it all.
Speaker 0 00:36:40 Number seven here, of course is another one that's on the extreme. Other end of things, learning to tone down the vanity and the aggression. Now, of course, this one, isn't going to be terribly applicable for the woman who resonated with the last suggestion. It's more for those women who genuinely are running around feeling like God's gift to men or to the world. You might say vain beyond comprehension. Those who can't stop looking at themselves in the mirror or photographing or videotaping themselves. It's for those who think that simply because they're cute or pretty that they're entitled to the world's riches or the highest level of status. If it's coming from a girl who wants to be a wife or girlfriend, or wants those things someday, or in fact is those things. Now I'm all about self-empowerment. I want you to feel vibrant, confident, powerful, beautiful.
Speaker 0 00:37:28 Those are great things. But this idea of I am unapologetically me. If you don't like it, get the hell out. I'm wild. I'm raging. I'm ravenous. It's not a big deal. If I'm married or inner relationship, that's monogamous, but I'm posting naked pictures of myself on the internet every day. All of my exes are narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths. Now I know it's not just women. Men are certainly guilty of their own offenses, but we know what this episode is geared towards. If you wanna know what men actually find sexually attractive. Let me tell you men like women who are sweet kind, nurturing, friendly fit, women who feed us well, women who are sexually ready to play with us in the bedroom, a little adventurous, but there aren't many men on the planet who are sexually aroused by your degree, how many businesses you have, how you can buy your own bags, how you don't need a man, how many hundreds of thousands of dollars you make?
Speaker 0 00:38:25 Although admittedly, it's a quality that I admire very much. We're definitely not attracted to this sort of perverse global sentiment that men are trash. Maybe we'll get into that later. Uh, men ain't shit, men always need to work harder, do better. These kinds of things are not conducive to being sexually arousing to men. A lot of male preferences are for women who are friendly, fit, nurturing, make great parents loving, kind sweet sensual, and yes, who actually know how to cook by the way, I'm a phenomenal chef. And I still find it very attractive and desirable. When my partner can keep up with me and my kitchen adored with cafe luxury appliances. So shine all you want. Do you all the things that Instagram and TikTok demand that you do today, but if you want to partner up with a real man, a good man, a high value man, or man of high status, a dominant man, you gotta know that no Vogue magazine or cosmopolitan write up about doing these five sexy tricks is going to make much of a difference.
Speaker 0 00:39:26 If your core personality doesn't align with what your partner's looking for, none of this means weaken yourself. None of this means don't shine or become a worse version of yourself. It's not about dampening your light or diminishing who you are, but you gotta just turn that dial down on the aggressive, strong, masculine energy. Having two Kings in the house, doesn't work. Having two people, budding heads with their opinions, doesn't work toning down arrogant over the top. Demanding energy will usually lead to better sex with your partner. All right, let's move into some of the positive aspects. Some really fun and exciting things you can do to be a better lover and partner that sweet, sweet fantasy baby. Number eight is about letting your fantasies be known to your man. So many women who come through my office doors tell me regularly all the time, the things that they fantasize about, they think about they play with themselves too.
Speaker 0 00:40:27 And they fantasize about things well in excess of what they're usually doing with their partner or what they've had done to them in the past. And it doesn't even have to be something super exotic involving multiple people or different openings, et cetera. It could just be intensity. It could be the situation. It could be how it's done to her. We've all got this many men dream about having sex with multiple women at once or having orgys women fantasize about this sort of thing too. If that's on the menu for the relationship or you're doing something monogamous great. But if you've got fantasies of being taken, being dominated, having someone be super aggressive with you, having someone be a little forceful with you, having someone tell you what to do, having it done to you in a certain way, being in a certain position role, playing a little bit, something more aggressive in assertive or quiet and dominant or anything that involves more speak up about it, bring it up at dinner, bring it up in the bedroom.
Speaker 0 00:41:25 Seduce him a little bit by walking out some lingerie and telling him what's on your mind, do the very thing you're fantasizing about yourself or have a toy or a Coman or accessory ready? How else is your guy gonna know? You know, so many women <laugh> so many women have, or have had hot, passionate sex with people who aren't their husbands or boyfriends usually before their relationship or what have you. And then they get into these relationships with good guys. And they think that part of them is in the past or the guy isn't really like that. Men, if you're listening, women don't really lose that part of themselves. It gets compartmentalized. Women will be as sexually exciting as you allow them to be. They'll be as electrifying and horny and sexy and playful and assertive as you have space for them to be. If they think you are too nice, too traditional too, I don't know, like you might judge them, then they don't have the freedom to be super sexual fantasies are important.
Speaker 0 00:42:27 Do you wanna be 50, 60, 70, 80, still thinking about having that aggressive thing done and, oh, you've let it go. That's someone who you used to be 70 years old and still thinking about a threesome 70 years old and wanting to do it in your car. You're probably not gonna wanna do anal when you're 70 and 80, you may not even wanna do it in exotic locations or off the bed experience it. Now everybody's on this big FOMO, Yolo nonsense. If you wanna seize the moment and you wanna have an incredible sexual experience, talk to your partner about it or come talk to me about it. And I'll mediate a conversation for you.
Speaker 0 00:43:02 Number nine. And this is an interesting one. The concept here is to come to terms with the duality of your radiance, your beauty, your light, and your physicality women are by nature, attractive, a big part of who you are resonates with, how you look yes, even hippies, even girls who don't wear makeup, even girls who don't get into all of that glamorous stuff. Even girls who just wanna be, you cannot help, but know and identify with your beauty and your light. And most women want to be admired, sought after pursued and chased. On the other side of that is arrogance. Narcissism being obsessed with your looks. This is so prevalent. This one is everywhere. And it's so Cy. You have women who stare into the camera, making dead serious videos, suggesting that women are designed to be acknowledged for their beauty fine, but then drawing the conclusion that taking selfies of herself every day and posting them on the internet for all to see is an appropriate way for her to be acknowledged for her beauty.
Speaker 0 00:44:16 Now, interestingly enough, sometimes I have to encourage other clients to come to terms with being okay with being seen, sending their husband a couple selfies or photos, even though they don't do that. And they don't keep those on their phone. And it's not really like her to be vain. I'll actually encourage that sort of thing because it is healthy. But suggesting that a woman needs to be acknowledged for her beauty, nonstop and incessantly and all the time, then you have to come to terms with, well, how vain are you? How needy are you? How excessive is this? Do you really need it all the time, day in and day out. And this is coming from someone who actually teaches men, how to compliment their women authentically regularly and teaches them how to do it differently. Each time. I can't tell you how many videos I've watched of women saying if a woman's posting photos of herself online, it's because she's connected to a part of herself.
Speaker 0 00:45:08 That's so deeply feminine. And there could be some unhealthy things mixed in with that, but that's really none of our business women even go so far as to saying that admiring selfies is seeing your depth and your consciousness, your structure, and your container and your consistency. You know, the camera is barely over 200 years old and we've been around for a hell of a lot longer than that. It's a little much to suggest that it's necessary to send selfies of yourself all day every day to the internet or to your loved one. That being said, sending attractive, sexy, or sexual photographs of yourself to your one to your partner. Not because you need attention and need to be acknowledged and are desperate for him to compliment you and are fishing for compliments and are feeling insecure and unattractive that day. So you put it out on the internet or to him to try to get some likes and attention, but you do it because you feel beautiful or you want to step into your feminine, or you want to feel like a woman or you do wanna be appreciated by your man.
Speaker 0 00:46:16 It's a very different thing. I think most men would welcome attractive, pretty cute pictures of yourself from different angles and positions, whether you're wearing clothing or not, whether you're wearing something intimate or not. This suggestion is for those of you women listening, who aren't comfortable with this to lean into it a little bit, try it out and watch the response you get. When you want to know how to please your partner in the bedroom, you wanna turn him on more. This is one of those things that helps you out. It gives him something to think about words. Don't do it for us. The possible idea, the anticipation, the build up. These are all very feminine things. Men we wanna see your thighs, see your chest, see your smile. See you looking at us provocatively that gets us there, but then you have to know how to temper it with the excess of today's society.
Speaker 0 00:47:03 And that's what we're gonna talk about next for a little bit. This idea of being overly vain infatuated with yourself, you can't stop taking pictures. You can't stop admiring. You can't stop looking in the mirror as though you never saw Cinderella, snow white, or even the rabbit and Winnie the poo or guest Dawn from beauty and the beast, making TikTok and Instagram videos of you just standing there staring at the screen, doing absolutely nothing except looking sexual and craving and sucking attention. A lot of these videos by the way, have been reduced down. There's no talent. There's no skill. There's no value. It's just an attractive woman standing in front of the camera, lip syncing or mouthing the words that someone else has said. That's it. While in many cases, showing off the assets that are supposed to be, if you're in a relationship for that one person now far, be it for me to tell you how to live your life, what you can and can't do you wanna be a porn star?
Speaker 0 00:48:02 You wanna be a ho, you wanna be an only fans, girl, you wanna be an escort. You want to put pictures of yourself all over the internet. You wanna celebrate being a sex worker. Great do, as you will. But that always is going to have consequences with men. And you're either gonna have to lie to them and deceive them. Which many of you do or realize that men don't want their partner involved in that kind of work? It might be sexier sexual. It might have turned them on at one point, but knowing that you're doing anything like that long term is very off putting. So there's kind of a triangle here. That's the, those are the first two parts there's yes. Physical beauty is part of being a woman. It's part of femininity and for many people, that's what it's all about. And I do agree.
Speaker 0 00:48:44 There's a time and place for a woman to be celebrated, honored, ravished, appreciated, admired, revered for their beauty. Then you've got the extreme end of it, which we've been talking about this sort of hyper vanity situation. And then you've got how men actually feel about it. And this matters because men are in control of the sexual marketplace, as much as you are. And I think women, you've got this love, hate relationship with like, not wanting to be objectified, not wanting to be seen as an object, not wanting to be pursued for sex, wanting to be valued as a human being in person. But then you'll spend hours on top of hours, agonizing over your beauty rituals, shopping, putting on makeup, doing your hair, getting your hair done. And I know there's a sentiment floating around that. You think you do it for yourself and it just makes you feel good and makes you feel beautiful on the inside and out.
Speaker 0 00:49:33 But do you really think if you were in an I am legend situation like that will Smith movie where he's the only one left on the planet that you'd be going through the trouble of doing your hair and feeling beautiful and looking amazing and vibrant. If there were no other people on the planet to look at you appreciate you or reflect that beauty back. Hmm. On the flip side, sometimes you get wildly insecure about being sea naked or slightly undressed or with the lights on, or you never take a photograph or a video of yourself without a filter, or you curate an entire Instagram and TikTok account where your face isn't even yours or getting enormous amounts of elective surgery or recovering yourself up when you're having sex or turning off the lights or taking yourself to another level with how you look, how you dress, the makeup that you put on.
Speaker 0 00:50:20 And you've gotta understand you can't have it both ways. You can't run around looking like walking sex or sex on wheels with heels and thighs out and tits out and lips, plump and makeup and heroin, eyes and hair blown out and juicy pink and red colors everywhere and cleavage and nipples showing and side boob. And then in the same breath, Ugh, men are trash. Men are garbage. All men wanted sex. Ugh. I feel objectified as a woman, I feel like he only sees me as a piece of meat. He doesn't understand my value. I wanna be appreciated for more than just my looks. You can't have it both ways. Either look like sex and then expect to get sex or tone it down. And again, this isn't coming from me trying to instruct you on how to live your life as a woman. I understand how absurd that sounds.
Speaker 0 00:51:11 But if you're getting a certain result that you don't like, I'm here to tell you here's how to not get that result anymore. Tone it down, consider that what you wear might be getting certain kinds of results. And as much as you would love for men to keep it in their pants and have some self control and just chill out and relax. I don't quite think you understand the effect that your beauty has on men. I'm not making it right or wrong. I'm trying to find a silly analogy. Like if a man just walked around with like a million dollars falling out of his pockets, just cash everywhere. And every time you tried to grab one or ask for one or get one, he just swatted you away and was like, Ugh, how disgusting and materialistic of you to try to get these hundreds? It's like, yes, he's allowed to walk around with hundreds pouring out of a suit, but you're gonna find some gold diggers.
Speaker 0 00:51:57 And some people who wanna be supported. And some people who like a hundred bucks, if I'm in corporate America and I walk into the office with a blue Mohawk that stands 12 inches above my head and the rest of my head shaved. And maybe I've got 14 piercings and tattoos down my throat and I'm not treated the same as someone who has none of that and is just wearing a business suit. I can't cry Wolf and I can't throw a fit for not being treated the same way. Everything has consequences. I can't emphasize that enough in sexless marriages and relationships, women are dying to be sexualized. I hear it. I see it. Women speak these words to me, it's a very dangerous statement, but it's true in sexless marriages and relationships, women are dying to be seen, appreciated, fucked, may love to initiated with looked at ravished adored.
Speaker 0 00:52:53 They wanna feel some masculine energy. So I will never be the one who grabs a megaphone and says, women should be sexualized. I understand we're fighting against that in some areas, but in the bedroom. And when you want your partner to want you part of being a human being is being sexualized do you know what sexualized means? It just means to make sexual or to attribute sex or a sex role to, we all do this. We do this in the beginning of our relationships as well. We look at our partners and we think, oh my God here, or she is so sexy and we want to have sex with them. So you can imagine when I have people in my office and their partner, doesn't find them physically attractive. Isn't interested in having sex. Doesn't really want to initiate. Now, can you start to get a sense why a woman might wanna be a little bit sexualized a little bit more like I want you because the opposite result is pretty sad too.
Speaker 0 00:53:47 It's people who wind up as roommates or they're in a partnership where they don't really find one, another attractive, or the guy just stops initiating altogether. No woman wants their life partner who they're sexually attracted to, to be seen as mom, roommate, someone who pays the bills, someone who he's sharing space with someone who he's not having sex with someone who you haven't had sex with in months and months, because life just goes on and he doesn't really see you that way. You gotta take your pick, which would you like? And there's a balance for everything, but coming to terms with your own healthy version of femininity, a healthy version of your sexuality and, and being seen as light and beautiful is not only incredible but necessary.
Speaker 0 00:54:32 All right, finally, number 10. And this one requires a little bit of a collaboration with your male counterpart, but it's super fun. We'll call this one, doing more stuff to your man or doing stuff back to your man, or just doing something to your man other than receiving pleaing, a woman taking good care of her being present, making sure all of her needs are met, making her come over and over and over again, kissing her nipples and her mouth while fingering her on the inside and playing with her clip. It's challenging and takes effort even for an expert, even for someone who loves doing it. And while it's true that seduction and sexuality often moves in one direction, which goes from a man to a woman. Even if she's on top, there's a lot of work that a guy does too. Putting his legs in a diamond shape and thrusting upward guiding her hips, holding on in essence.
Speaker 0 00:55:24 Sex is a very physical activity for a man that requires a lot of work and stamina. Very rarely is he just laying there unless he doesn't know what he is doing. And she just wants to ride the top. You know, even if he's fingering, you it's carefully and attentively with an enormous amount of presence with cut fingernails, watching how you move and respond. Sometimes he uses both hands, all of his fingers engaged in different tasks, being careful not to poke you too much and to hit just the right spot on the inside and outside when feel just the right stroke on your cl and kiss you in a way that you find attractive and suck on your nipples, if you like that sort of thing. And, and, and, and, and so this recommendation is about giving back. I can't begin to tell you how nice and exciting it is when you get so turned on and so excited that you have to just devour me or kiss me back essentially, or hold my face or cares me, or kiss my chest or go down in different ways or cares the rest of my body.
Speaker 0 00:56:22 Or give me a nice massage afterwards, or give me soft, gentle kisses down my arm and shoulder, or kiss my neck or kiss my ears or say something really sexy again and again, or say my name or tell me what you love that I'm doing to you, or tell me you wanna move to the floor or tell me what position you wanna be in next, or simply change the position yourself now to do all those things. It requires you to be with a man who doesn't steamroll you, who doesn't just plow you, pounding you and banging you out over and over and over again. And he thinks that like a nice firm railing with good endurance is what it's all about. Even though we all know you need that. Sometimes it takes a sensitive man, an aware man, a present and assertive and dominant man who will be there with you and not just allow these things, but want them and welcome them and appreciate them.
Speaker 0 00:57:15 I think about these things a lot. How can you affirm as a man that you really like this sort of thing? And I think guys, for me, it works sometimes just to speak up and say, I love that. Yes, please. More of that. Ugh, that feels so good. I love it. When you do that, I love it. When you kiss me here or there and better, still spend a little more time there, stay there, linger there. Don't just give me one, lick one, flick, one kiss. What is that? So in a sense, I'm saying participate more in sex. If you're having the kind of sex that you like, like if your guy is giving you really good sex, don't just make it about you playing with your Kidd until you come once and then you're done or you until you come five times and then you're done.
Speaker 0 00:57:52 Sometimes it can even be really sexy or sexual. Just the way you look up at us, the way you hold your thighs, open the way that you point your toes or rest your foot on top of my shoulder, or open yourself up for me in different ways. Or tell me that you wanna taste me. I'm not sure sometimes if women quite realize how fascinated men are by women so much so that you know, most men are intimidated by you terrified, afraid to talk to you. And this translates over to the bedroom. So it's like when we feel welcomed and appreciated and respected and nourished and loved, and you're just touching us back and you get outta your head and you're not worried about doing it wrong, or if you're embarrassed or if you're gonna get rejected or what might happen to you. You, you, you, you, if you put some of that attention back onto us, it feels wonderful. We love connecting with you like that. So in some participate, join in the fun, express yourself verbally, sexually, sexually, emotionally with your hands, with your eyes, with your mouth, with your legs. All of that stuff is exciting.
Speaker 0 00:59:01 I am gonna add one more bonus tip here for the fells. I'd be remiss not to say it. And that is don't aggressively grab at the D don't be grabby with our Cox and especially don't do it unconsciously and aggressively. I have seen women grab it like it's, Play-Doh just start needing it around in their hands. Like it's bendable and flexible in all directions. I've seen women use it as a stress toy, grab it like an inanimate object. They could just yank or pull on stroke. It vigorously when it's dry and there's no viscosity, stick their finger in the hole, pull their fingertip against the hole. So it spreads the hole open, apply 45 pounds of pressure while grabbing the base while trying to give a blowjob so that you cut off all blood flow to the penis and can't feel a thing really firmly grab and massage use teeth while giving head.
Speaker 0 00:59:53 And then if a woman is using her hands, when he climaxes vigorously, stroking and squeezing firmly at the moment of orgasm, which is just incredulous. Since you know, the same thing happens to you after you come and you get super sensitive, I gotta say, ladies, ladies, ladies, you have got to know better than this. Be gentle. Do you want your pussy played with that way? Do you want someone poking and grabbing and manhandling and shoving, especially in the beginning, be gentle. This is usually a component of you getting too stuck in your head. A little too turned on and aggressive. Maybe you don't have respect or care for the man being a little high, maybe being a little drunk or drinking. It's delicate, just like yours is too. So go easy. Ask if a man wants it harder, build up to it. Don't just go in there, grabbing things.
Speaker 0 01:00:43 Nobody likes grabbing and you know that better than anybody. And just for fun, let's add one more. Let's end on a positive note. Men find almost anything you do attractive. When you walk over to us. When you look up in our eyes, when we're standing above you, and you're looking up at us when you're looking down on us, when you're straddling us, when you put your hand between our legs, when you touch our chest, when you play with our hair, when you cares our face, when you give us nice kisses, when you actually do something instead of just receiving, it's almost always welcome. So more of that, please. And with that ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna bring it to a close. I hope you found all of that extremely insightful. You know, of course you can follow me at crave closeness on Instagram, or you can visit crave closeness.com/intake and fill out an intake form to get started. Subscribe to the closeness podcast at youtube.com/closeness. And of course you can tune in and subscribe anywhere podcasts can be found. And if you like what I'm talking about here, stay subscribed and listen to some other episodes. Thanks for listening. And I'll see you in the next one.
