How to Properly Have Sex with a Man and How to Turn a Man On

Episode 50 March 15, 2020 01:17:36
How to Properly Have Sex with a Man and How to Turn a Man On
Closeness
How to Properly Have Sex with a Man and How to Turn a Man On

Mar 15 2020 | 01:17:36

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Hosted By

Tari Mannello

Show Notes

How to Take Care of Your Man: What Everyone’s Afraid to Talk About

While countless episodes of The Closeness Podcast focus on how to pleasure a woman, it’s time to give men their time to shine! What does it take to truly take care of your man? This isn’t about surface-level advice; it’s about getting real, going deep, and uncovering the things everyone is too afraid to talk about. Don’t worry there will be plenty of sexy and sexual things included as well- obviously. 

But have you ever considered what he actually needs emotionally and mentally to feel valued, desired, and respected? Spoiler: it’s often more than just sex. Science shows that when men feel seen and appreciated, their oxytocin levels (the “bonding hormone”) skyrocket, leading to stronger emotional connections and better intimacy.

So stop scrolling, and tune in to explore the unspoken ways to get your man turned on and feel  cared for. You’ll learn why emotional intimacy matters just as much as physical touch as well as the small but meaningful gestures that build trust and connection.

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Closer?

Dive into this episode to learn what it means to properly have sex with your man and how doing so can transform your relationship. For more tips on intimacy, relationships, and connection, visit Closeness.com.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 0 00:00 Hi and welcome to an all new episode of closeness in times of crisis and when possible, sometimes it's not only about surviving, but also about quality of life. It's my sincere hope that this episode brings some levity to your day and that you're able to enjoy it. My name is Tari and today ladies and gentlemen, we are going to learn all the juicy details about how to properly have sex with a man. There are a lot of things that men would like their partners to know, but instead of speaking up were scared to tell them or don't know how to tell them or can't quite find the words to not offend or upset when we're asking for what we want. So this isn't necessarily a heterocentric or a homoerotic episode. It's for anyone who's interested in taking great care of their partner who happens to be a man. Speaker 0 00:49 So what do men like and what do we want? Certainly, I'm sure many episodes can be made about blow jobs, who are, how to ride him in a way that looks the most provocative. But this episode isn't about tips and tricks licking like this or batting your eyes like that or arching your back in this way can be found on many pages of magazines for women, but here we're going to go a little bit deeper. Really understanding what men want unfortunately is not very often the question of the ages. Why is that? Well, often we don't speak up as much. We don't express ourselves as much as women do. We tend to be shut down emotionally. A lot of men don't speak or make any noises during sex. Men just don't seem to like to talk about their feelings. So what do you do to discover what men actually like? Speaker 0 01:39 While a lot of this will come from my male clients in my own personal life, it's also interesting to turn to other women to see what they do. To find out. This might be a little racy to jump into right away, but time and time again, I continue to hear that women enjoy being submissive so that they can learn what their partner likes the most because in this way he's likely to speak it or do it or show it or demonstrate it and therefore in her submission, in this case, she's able to more effectively please him. Now, right off the bat, to get clear, I'm not talking about dominance and submission where he's a Dom and you're the sub and Dungeons are involved in ball gags and all of this. It doesn't have to go into that territory though. It certainly can extend into it and you don't have to be involved with any kind of fetish to recognize whether or not you are the submissive one in the relationship or not. Speaker 0 02:37 But if you're listening to this right now, it's an excellent time to ask yourself what role you think you play because we all do play one. No matter what your stance is on feminism or what your role might be in the workplace or outside of the bedroom when it comes to pleasuring your man in any way, shape or form, where do you lie? Do you love to be submissive? Are you somewhere in the middle? Are you more dominant or do you hate to give up control and no matter who you are, are you submissive to him? Is that a position you enjoy being in and is it something that you learn from in the doing of it or is it just how you think it should be? Now, ask yourself if you know with a hundred percent certainty if that's what he likes. Most of us have a different style of preference. Speaker 0 03:26 Some of us are switches. We can go back and forth. Some of us have very defined roles while others still who wish and long to be one thing, but we find that we always have to be something else and an example of that would be a man who always feels like he's got to be in control and pleasing the woman or pleasing you. Giving, giving, giving. When really what he longs for because of his high powered job or because of who he is in society, is for someone to take total control or in some cases for someone to bend him into submission with talk like that. Can you have conversations about these things outside of the bedroom? Can you do little tests or little explorations to find out what your partner might like in that regard? And before we continue, just a quick note here about pronouns. I'm going to likely fall into the habit of referring to her or she or women when discussing how to please a man. But I remind you this is for everyone. It's by no means exclusive to women only night especially think this will be useful for men who don't realize that they can actually ask for what they want. We all can and hopefully this episode inspires you all to do so. Speaker 0 04:36 Having sex, the man properly has often been the butt of many jokes. How hard could it be? I mean, how hard could it be? It's very easy to please a man. Just focus on his penis as women or men involved. In a homosexual relationship, you've surely noticed that often there isn't a lot to do other than remove your clothes and you find that your partner is deeply excited for you or is he? I think that the expectation that the partner just shows up and because men are so visually turned on that they're just instantly rock hard and instantly ready to go has really contributed to a lot of the problems when it comes to having sex the man, and so as is usually the case with these episodes, we're going to give some steps that are very different, very thorough in the go, very, very deep. Speaker 0 05:19 There are a handful of thoughts and suggestions here. Nearly 20 you can take one of them, some of them, all of them or not follow them at all, but I can assure you that each one of these recommendations will make your life significantly easier when trying to accomplish a few particular goals. Also, let's please bear in mind for man that just is, women love to say that they are all different. They're so special. They're so unique. They're not like any of those other girls. Yeah, we all know she's not like those other girls. So too it is with men. There are commonalities. There are things we have in common and things that are typical of us. Try not to put him in the box of all those other guys. There is no one size fits all when it comes to pleasing someone as such, I do leave it to your very capable hands and mouths to discover what your partner actually likes. Speaker 0 06:10 Number one, your openness matters. Great. Sex is amazing. There's so many wonderful things to love about it, but when you share yourself sexually with another person, it comes with a host of additional responsibilities beyond just the fun and frankly, some of those things are undesirable as well. You've got insecurities, shame, or guilt about the way we look and feel. Maybe you feel too fat or too thin or not enough. We're not tan enough. We're not tall enough or not good enough, or you didn't shave or you just not feeling good down there, confident down there or, or, or, or, or often it feels like the pressure to look good and feel good. Never ends. There's always something to adjust, adapt to or fix. There's always something that takes away from the moment that doesn't make it feel perfect at the same time. And what number one is all about is understanding that one of the things that turns a man on the most is in spite of all of the things that can slow you down, that can cover you up, that can mask you or shut you off. Speaker 0 07:13 That through all of that, you somehow find the ability to remain open as light, as shiny, as fully expressed, often as vulnerable and receptive and ready and when what we're doing works when you like it, when it's feeling good, we love to see you responding favorably to our intentions and actions, knowing that you're turned on by us and that you're excited by us and that you're showing it again, if in fact this is true that you're doing so with your body language, with your movement, and that we get to see that everything about you is on and alive or said differently. If we were to globally sum it up into one word, that you are more open. Speaker 1 07:57 Yeah. Speaker 0 07:59 This is as opposed to closing down, turning off, being shutdown, ING shy, being nervous, being insecure. Of course, these are all things to work through. What else does that look like? Being closed off might mean forcing the lights to always be completely out your clothes or on, maybe you're hiding under the covers, perhaps if not for sexy reasons. You're leaving your bra and your underwear on. Maybe you're extremely quiet or shy or not making any kind of sound at all demonstrating that you might be enjoying what your partner's doing to you. Maybe your eyes are always closed or locked shut and you don't want to hold eye contact with your partner. Maybe it takes you a particularly long time to warm up and your partner doesn't know this about you and so for the first five or 10 or 20 minutes, things are awkward and uncomfortable and he has no idea why. Speaker 0 08:52 All of these things that do to protect yourself and that you do to stay safe or because you don't feel comfortable with yourself, you're not fully secure in the sexual act are also things that can either be a deterrent or a turn off for a man or a better said, it would just excite him even more if you did the opposite of those things. Now of course, this one, starting off with one like this, this deals with you feeling safe to do so and it deals with you tapping into your own self confidence and working through some of your own issues. Of course, I understand that's a lot to ask, so not being obligated or forced into anything that you don't want to do, not doing it because he told you to and certainly not doing it because I told you too, but just an understanding that openness is attractive, receptivity, wanting it, enjoying it. All of that's very delicious and because men are so physically focused, the more we're seeing you engage with us, the more of a turn-on you become. And note that I didn't say acted out. Pretend you love it, fake it till you make it. Ah, faking. We're going to talk about that later in the episode, but this is about authenticity. Opening up and sharing yourself with someone else, letting him in. Speaker 0 10:13 Number two, masturbation. We're really, we're really getting our fingers into the soil quickly on this one, aren't we? Along the lines of opening up and sharing yourself and doing things that demonstrate to him that you actually are liking this. And I will continuously remind you if in fact you are liking this, it's also a really big turn-on to watch you or see you masturbate, play with yourself, pleasure yourself, and touch yourself while he's having sex with you. And even when he's not. And I know for sure those take two very different levels of confidence. There's something so incredibly delicious about seeing your partner yearned for you. See them hungry for you or to see them excited about putting themselves inside of you. And I could personally speak to this one as well. When I think of the times that a woman has been going down on me or kissing me or she's kissing my body and she's so turned on by this that she's touching herself at the same time, or putting my hand there to help her do so, or just wants to demonstrate for me how turned on she is. Speaker 0 11:24 It's very, very exciting to see that she's getting aroused and excited by what she's doing to me and as a woman, if you're listening to this, you know that very well. It's a very big turn on to see how turned on he gets when he's pleasuring you, and this is pretty advanced material. I completely recognize it's not for everyone. It takes a lot of comfort and confidence to do this. There's fear of being rejected. There's love of your own body. There's just simply the confidence of doing it. But let me give you an easy way to slide into this. The next time you're having sex, take his hand, bring it down there and show him how you like it so that it's a little bit of an interaction together. This can be extremely sexy and rewarding or you can try just doing it a little bit. Speaker 0 12:15 You can try brushing your fingers over yourself or just softly touching your Clint as you run your fingertips up from between your legs and over your stomach and you can watch and you'll likely see him get excited even at the flicker or the opportunity to watch you touch yourself like that. It's super arousing. Very, very few people are not going to find that exciting if they're already having sex with you. Now, the super advanced version of this is extremely difficult for anyone to do unless you're used to doing cam work. You're a cam girl or maybe you're a natural born performer and super comfortable with your sexuality and that's masturbating in front of another person authentically while they're just sitting there watching. Now here I want to draw the line between authenticity and performance. No, you don't want to fake it when you're having sex. Speaker 0 13:07 No, you don't want to pretend when you're intimate, but most of us don't touch ourselves in any type of dramatic way. It's certainly not a spectator sport or a performance art and that's as it should be. It's our own personal way of satisfying ourselves. We're not arching our back and whipping our hair around and doing all these things. We just have our hand down there and for many women they're just holding a device down there and so I do think it's acceptable to ham it up a little bit if you decide to try this, to make it a more of a, a seduction of sorts or moving your body in a way that looks even more sexually appealing and attractive than say, just for example, sticking your hand between your legs and touching yourself. It's a tall order and a big ask, but if you can find a way to ask your partner, would you like to see me touch myself? Speaker 0 13:56 Would you like to see me stroke it? Do you want to see me play with it? Do you want to watch me finger myself? Do you want to see how I do it? Do you want me to show you how I want you to fuck me? It can be very educational as well because if your partner's watching carefully, not only do they get to enjoy the show, but then they have somewhat of an idea what to do back to you. If this is all sounding like a little much for you, and I know for some of you this is sounding like a little much start slow. It's why I'm recommending that you do it while you're having sex first. Not all on your own. Especially if you're already in missionary position, you're lying on your back, you're comfortable. If one of your hands is free, it's the perfect time to reach down and show him your vertical stroke, your circular stroke or what you like. Speaker 0 14:44 You know your clits are so tiny and so itsy bitsy and they're nestled under this hood. Then every stroke matters. Someone in want the most intense massage like and from pressure on their clits and other girls, you can barely blow on it. So by showing a man what you like and touching yourself at the same time and getting yourself all excited, it's kind of like a two for one. You're instructing him, you're showing him, you're setting the pace and the tone and the energy. You could take his hands and do it. You can show him how to do it and you're also turning him on because you're touching yourself as well. There's a lot of territory to explore. Start with a conversation about it. Ask a few questions. You can start with a soft brush or caress over your body or that area. You can also start by just touching yourself down there for a few seconds and then taking your hand away to build your comfort with it. Don't underestimate the power of that two to three seconds of caressing and touching yourself and then moving your hand away as soon as you feel uncomfortable. If you even do, it's that settling in and getting comfortable with yourself and in your own skin, enjoying the pleasure that can come from that with the heightened arousal that comes from having your partner present Speaker 0 16:00 and of course, what would follow next? Number three is not faking your orgasm. Speaker 1 16:07 Yeah. Speaker 0 16:08 It's hard to imagine that there's anyone alive today who if he knew you were faking, would think to himself, yeah, that's what I want for my partner. Especially since what that means is that he wasn't capable of doing it himself or that she was so bored with it and so turned off by it that she just wanted to get it over with. But we know where this comes from, don't we? We know it comes from women wanting to get it over with and done with. It comes from women not being sexually attracted to their partner. It also comes from women not being able to speak up about what turns them on so their partner can please them. And it comes from very selfish lovers who aren't interested in pleasing their partner. And you know what? All of these are qualities that come from relationships and sexual relationships where you might not actually be into the person at all or any more. Speaker 0 16:58 I know there's a certain reality to all of this. Many of us are already in relationships or marriages that we can't just step out of. We have kids in lives, families' houses, but there are times when it's possible when you are dating, you're just starting to see someone. It's just been a few weeks, a few months, and I strongly recommend not entangling yourself with someone who doesn't have your best interest in mind or who you don't have really great sexual chemistry with. It's not that it's all about sex, but if you're in a committed monogamous relationship, and especially if you didn't have children, why are you in that relationship if sex isn't one of the only things that you share with one another that keeps you exclusive? Of course, I hope and would like to believe that no woman has faked it with me, but how would anybody know? Speaker 0 17:42 No one's coming back and saying, Oh, you know, remember when we used to have that really hot, amazing sex together? Yeah, I was faking it the whole time. So men, I have some telltale signs that you can look out for your partner to figure out if she's faking it or not. Not that this should be like a big investigation, but you know, here are a few tips. Number one. Typically when a woman comes, her face or chest will flush very, very rosy, pink or red. Number two, sometimes her thighs will often quiver uncontrollably. Three her eyes might dilate for her. Clit will become so sensitive to the touch. She'll be jumping around. Women don't fake jumping around, jumping around just by the mere touch of it, so everything has to settle down. Just like after you come. Women also need a refractory period. Number five, and this is a little trickier because it just goes along with excitement, but usually when a woman is very, very turned on, her clit is very pronounced. Speaker 0 18:36 Her lips are protruding and presenting themselves to you, almost begging for you to put something back in. It's almost as if she's saying, take me, have more of me. This wouldn't necessarily indicate that she's had an orgasm, but it would let you know that she's very, very turned on. Number six for some women just like men, they actually want to stop having sex at that point or they need a moment to rest or you literally can't touch them because they're so worked up or some emotions come up. Maybe there's some panting, maybe there's some tears of joy, tears of pleasure. She may want to connect with you more emotionally and physically and sensually rather than sexually. And for women like this, the sensitivity on their clit can be so strong they can't handle any type of contact or all of that of that build up. Speaker 0 19:23 That panting, that heavy breath just immediately goes away because it's done for them. And then you've got the women who are multi-orgasmic and that's a little bit more tricky because sometimes it could just seem like a really intense buildup. It's like, and then it comes down and then up and then down, up and down. Some women can come in under two minutes with another person just touching them or just having sex with them. Other women can come multiple times and squirt each time. If orgasm for you is not something that you've been able to discover yet or it hasn't hit you or you're not sure. If you have, well, obviously you should be getting some closeness coaching down here with me in sunny San Diego via video or in person, but to why not make it a discussion? Why not make it a project? Why not make it an adventure for you both to uncover and explore together patiently and lovingly, which also incidentally turns a man on a lot. Speaker 0 20:19 You could introduce some toys, some fingers, a tongue, and perhaps even listening to an episode called how to properly go down on a woman available exclusively on the closest podcast. It can be a co collaborative effort, just like we were talking about in the last section where you can touch herself with him too if number three was not faking orgasms. Number four is about not making fake and inauthentic sounds and screams. It's true. Most people do not like a completely silent lover, but I'm also pretty sure that people don't love someone who's screaming at the top of their lungs or someone who sounds louder than a car alarm or a siren or who, someone who's going to make the neighbors wonder if you're okay or not. What's always surprising to me is that so often people like this are self-professed. I'm really loud. Oh, once I get started I don't shut up. Speaker 0 21:11 And just like people who are very well aware that they're always late. I think to myself, you have awareness about this. Do you not want to do anything about it? And listen, who am I to tell you how to express yourself? It isn't my place. It isn't my job. And you can do as you please of course. Because if having a cock anywhere within the vicinity of your vagina makes you shutter and scream out with delight at the top of your lungs far be it for me to try to silence your Mons at the same time in day to day life. It's hard to imagine someone screaming like that unless they are 11 years old at a Justin Bieber concert. To be clear, I love when a woman makes noise during sex. I love when she moans and is vulnerable and sure even sometimes screams and she's really feeling it. Speaker 0 21:53 I love that expression, but to escalate at a volume that is near ear piercing or that might actually do some damage while she's screaming right into your ear while you're having sex with her. Oh, this one may be one of my personal preferences. I'm not looking for someone to control themselves or to meter themselves or to reduce their light in any way, but I really do enjoy someone who moans under 70 decibels. Here are the distinct difference. One more time. There's nothing more beautiful than how a woman expresses herself when she comes. Something that's natural and authentic. I love when they build. I love when they're hot. I love when they get really intense and I love watching when a woman is letting go. All that is great and sure there are moments where maybe you express yourself with a very strong shout, cry or exclamation. Speaker 0 22:39 In fact, by all means, call for God once or twice or thrice, but the distinction here is not intentionally making it theatrical for someone else's benefit. It doesn't need to be extra and it doesn't need to be over the top. We're already turned on by your natural noises and sounds and how you look, but when the neighbors are getting worried or the kids can hear down the street or the entire block is wondering what's wrong. If it sounds like someone can't distinguish whether you're being hurt or fucked properly, I think then it can become a problem if you're doing it all for show. Now, if you're skeptical about hearing all that, check this out. If you ask any woman to watch porn for any amount of time, inevitably one of the first things to come out of her mouth will be, Oh, she's faking it. Speaker 0 23:21 She's definitely faking it. It's like they have a barometer for it. They can tell right away and what usually follows that comment is how an attractive it is, how they're doing it for the money, how they don't understand how men would want to do it if they're faking it, they just know right away what's performance and what's not. So women don't you think that if you dislike it in porn or you find it disgusting or gross or puts you off or it's inauthentic or you understand why a man would like a fake screaming porn star, does it then follow in the real world where your partner certainly has got to be more calibrated and sensitive and aware? Do you think he wants to hear all that? No. So not faking your orgasms and not making enough antic sounds that don't naturally and authentically come from your own body, heart and soul, unless you're very inspired to make them. And I think the two of those things go hand in hand perfectly on this beautiful journey towards authentic sex. Speaker 0 24:16 Number five. I think women will really relate to this one because what woman likes it when men expect them to be horny or expect them to be wet or expect them to be ready for sex when they're clearly not. Oftentimes in the female kingdom, one of women's favorite expressions is, Oh, you should have no expectations in any of your interactions with me. Are you expecting something? Don't expect anything from me. And no woman wants to see a man's face showing signs of disapproval, irritation, frustration or disappointment because she's not ready or she doesn't want something. So two men don't also like to feel the stress, the pressure, the insecurity, the nervousness of not being hard and ready for action and we certainly don't want to feel shamed for not being hard and ready to go. While this may seem obvious, you would be shocked at the number of clients I have spoken to who come in and right in front of their partner, discuss what a turn off it is or they can't get hard or they can't excite them and how it puts them off right away. Speaker 0 25:17 I mean, can you imagine if a male client stormed through my door and was like, yes, this woman is bone dry like desert. That's not interesting for me. Not sexy. Rest assured men are more than aware of themselves when they're not rock hard and not ready for action. It doesn't need to be pointed out and it doesn't need to be, how can I say this? So you'll hear it. A women have a tendency to withdraw their attention from sexual interaction or withdraw their attention from a man's penis or stop going down or think that the whole thing is over or get really uncomfortable, which only creates more stress and frustration in the man for the benefit of both of us. Take a breath. There's no need for you to feel uncomfortable or insecure. Give the man a little time and loving encouragement. You don't have to put extra attention on the fact that it's happening and you don't have to take any extra attention away from it. Speaker 0 26:07 I think a perfect example would be if you're watching him or you're looking down there or you're doing something to him and then you see that he's not either excited or turned on or more specifically hard, and then you get this sort of awkward kind of sensation and feeling about you or your eyes look over to one side, up and down, and then you retract and pull back and the entire energy about you shifts. Your mind goes a million miles a minute. You start thinking, is he not turned on? Does he not like me? Why isn't he hard? All men have been hard for me in the past. What's going on? Am I not as sexy as I once was? Am I getting too old? Is this not working? Should I not have done this? Who slow down tiger? Take a breath. Stay with it. Let me say it again. Speaker 0 26:50 You don't have to withdraw all of your attention and you don't have to get really uncomfortable by putting all of your attention on it. It's a very powerful statement that you may not have heard before. Not taking your attention away from what you're doing, from pleasuring him, from enjoying him, appreciating him, sucking on him, kissing him, licking him simply because he's not hard. And in fact, your attention to his lack of hardness is only going to make things more difficult for him to stay hard or get it up or be aroused. If he can sense your disappointment or you're acting differently or funny or you're not willing to touch it. Some women don't like interacting with the penis. That's a great statement into itself. They don't want to suck on it. They don't want to touch it. They don't want to do much at all with it. Speaker 0 27:41 They're grossed out by it. Some women fully expect Amanda come and to get off or to finish up and they can't even stand the sight or taste or feel of come. Often women enjoy having sex, but they don't want any of the messy cleanup that has to go along with it. So they don't mind having a man inside of them. But if they have to deal with it, look at it, touch it as a different subject. So here's the catch 22 some women expect a man to have a rock hard cock and be ready for sex at the drop of a hat when she's decided that she's ready to have sex on her own time, of course, and when she's ready to open, simply because she's there, she's decided it's time. Let's go now she's ready. It's Showtime. He should be on what's going on. Speaker 0 28:24 But she hasn't touched him, kissed him, gone down there, stimulated him in any way, and maybe she hasn't even allowed him to stimulate her. So sometimes women will go from no physical contact to some very light touching or kissing, or just being ready to have sex in. I know this is hard for many other women to imagine that this exists, but it does. But they want a man to be able to shift at the drop of a hat. To be clear, what that means is he shouldn't be too horny, too aggressive. He shouldn't want it. He shouldn't demonstrate that he needs it too badly. He shouldn't look needy. He shouldn't try too hard. Oh, until she's ready. And then he should want to ravish her and be ready instantly. And you can imagine just like if a man expected that of you, it's very unreasonable to ask. Speaker 0 29:09 It might be reasonable for an 18 year old football player where literally anything and everything might be turning him on including his own bedsheets, softly grazing over him as he rolls over. But for many adults, especially with the pressures of today work being seated all day long, not knowing if you're even interested, not knowing if you're ready, not wanting to offend you, not wanting to hurt you, not wanting to make the wrong impression, but still wanting to be dominant and masculine and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It can get very muddied. Many women, when they finally settled down or they get involved in a serious relationship in the past, they might've been used to a string of casual encounters where the passion was higher. The guy was always hard ready to go right away, or perhaps he was on Viagara, who knows? And so therefore they think something's wrong when their loving partner, who they see every day who they live with, who's together with them day in and day out isn't, or they think it must be his fault. Speaker 0 29:58 They think it must be her fault and blame gets assessed and then there's guilt and there's shame and there's really no need for any of this. And I find it very interesting that there are, you might say, very masculine calibrated women out there who are down and ready to have sex immediately with no conversation, no foreplay. Just going for it. And what's even more interesting, which we can talk about in a different episode, is that many women aren't comfortable with the intimacy that comes in between fucking and they use that expression because that's what it is for many women. And just meeting, talking, hanging out, or getting together if there's softness or caressing or looking at each other's eyes or some loving qualities, that's awkward for some women, they ready to just go from a to Z right away. I'm reminded of a time I was with an Eastern European woman and quite literally every single polite gesture that I made, every overture, every effort to connect or make sure she's comfortable or check in with her, or even just hands on foreplay, some kissing and touching, who was like, Nope, I'm on a mission. Speaker 0 31:06 I just want that Dick. I'm here for one task only. Please shut up, stop all this nonsense and just put it in. And just to be clear, I'm not talking about a prostitute or someone who I paid for sex in any way, shape or form. This is actually someone who came by to have a nice evening with me and afterwards we spoke about what a nice evening it was, but even in the discussing of how it was, it was like, why did they want to talk to me about this? This was great. Why? Let's just move on. Let's talk about something else and listen. As a guy, that's really great news. We are many of us oriented that way where that's easy for us to do. But living in a world with women where that very much is not the norm, has sort of trained that out of us. Speaker 0 31:45 Now, while most women won't be on such an extreme like this, it is very uncomfortable and I would even say inappropriate for you as a woman to expect a man to be turned on rock hard and ready to go simply because you're standing there or simply because of your presence and sure, while many men will harken back to the time when we were 16 1718 year old boys feeling rock hard at the drop of a dime, this isn't always the case for men as we get older and older might be men in their twenties plus in many cases we've seen what's there before we know what's waiting for us. We know what you look like naked. Maybe we've had sex with you countless times. Sometimes as you know, it takes a little time to get warmed up and you know what's here. It's not something you have to feel bad or shame about. Speaker 0 32:31 It's not something you have to feel insecure about or assess blame too. But if you stare at the same Oak tree for 25 years or even 25 months, it's practically going to disappear from your mind's eye. Sometimes you even forget that it's there. So this recommendation is learning to feel more comfortable around a penis, learning how to do something with it, not getting turned off, frightened or freaked out if it's soft or stays soft for awhile, not expecting it to be rock hard from you being reasonable the way you would like a man to be reasonable for you. So if number five is not expecting us to be hard, number six, don't be afraid to touch a soft cock. Oh, this one is very nuanced and very similar to the previous one. But let's go a little deeper. So many people believe that if a cock is not rock hard for them, that there's something wrong, that she must not be that exciting. Speaker 0 33:28 He must not be turned on by her. There must be something wrong with him. Some woman get really turned off at the idea of seeing a soft penis. Something's not working. He's not turned on. He's not excited. Let me say loud and clear that his soft cock does not have to mean anything, but you give it meaning by putting all of your attention on it and allowing your brain to move towards fear and insecurity. The more you focus on it, meaning the more you focus on the fact that it's not hard or the more you internalize and get really insecure and nervous and uncomfortable and uneasy and what are we going to do now? The less likely it's going to be that he's hard. The more you remind him that it's not, the more you tell him that it's not the more you pointed out, but also your unwillingness to touch it, suck it, play with it, love it, adore it, walking through it, rub on it, something to get there. Speaker 0 34:23 In the words of a non in Californication, it's not going to suck itself. Is it Hank? Yeah. It's also really important to have patience. Someone who will try to start to do something such as fondling it for about 2.5 seconds and then nothing happens. They don't get a response and then they're done. The hand is retracted forevermore or they'll go down on a man for five or 15 or 30 seconds and then freak out and be done. Can you imagine as a woman, if a man tried to finger you for two seconds, he put his hand down there, moved it around for a second. I was like, Oh, Oh, nothing's happening down here. I'm not going to touch. Or if you went down on you and he licked you twice or three times to try to find the Tootsie roll center of your Tootsie pop and thought to himself, Oh, not much is happening down here. Speaker 0 35:08 I guess I'm going to come up and have sex with her. All of these things put so much unneeded pressure on a man and on yourself. Imagine if your man was disturbed that you weren't regularly soaking wet for him, irritated and put off, turned off or disgusted or didn't want to sleep with you because you couldn't get it up in a wet sort of way. What would you think about that? What would you say to yourself? How would you feel about him? You know, you would be disgusted with him. So how a man might feel if he did the same thing to him. Speaker 0 35:42 How then do you fix this and what is my recommendation? Well, assuming that you're comfortable with doing all of this stuff, I would recommend being as patient as you would like for him to be toward you when you need to come or when you're on the verge of coming. How long does it take for your clit to finally wake up to the fact that it could have an orgasm? Some women come in seconds and some women come in 15 or 20 minutes. Some women lose it and then get it and lose it and get it. They want a man to be endlessly patient for their process. No matter how much it hurts his tongue, no matter how tired his fingers are making the same stroke, they want you to keep going and keep going and keep going and keep going. So patience, presence, sweetness, kindness, being pleasant and light about it. Speaker 0 36:32 Stay out of your head. Don't get so insecure just because a man doesn't have a rock hard cock for you. It's not always about you. It's not even always about him. It could be stress, it could be your relationship. It could be simply the way the day is gone. Be patient, be loving, respect the cock before. Moving on to number seven. I do want to speak a truth about this. However, it is just plain fact that some people beyond our control, we don't choose it, we don't want it, we don't ask for it. We just have better chemistry with other people than we do sometimes with our own partners or our most current partners to make things worse. It's even possible to have better, hotter, more passionate or erotic energy with someone who we just met currently when we weren't even looking to meet someone than we have with our current partner. Speaker 0 37:21 And it's very important to be able to distinguish between, is this new and novel and exciting or is this actually chemistry? Some of us have had mind bending sex before, but the person was toxic for us or unhealthy for us or we didn't like anything about them. So if you're with someone who you love and you like, but the chemistry isn't all there, don't expect it to be there. Understand that sometimes this takes a little work and by the way, I may do an episode on it. Sometime you actually can create chemistry from nothing if you are attracted to one another. You can build and create the hottest possible chemistry, but it does take some work. Speaker 0 38:03 Number seven, some people marry a man who's very different than the kind of men they've had in their past. The bad boys, the sex addicts, the ones who wanted to pound them, the ones who purportedly have sex for seven hours straight. The ones who were instantly rock hard. As soon as they saw her, the ones who couldn't get enough of her, no matter how many times they saw each other, even though he never committed to a relationship with her and likely was with countless other women, and then when a woman chooses her life partner, she chooses the good or someone who loves her and supports her. He might not even be less capable sexually. He might not even be less attractive sexually. But there's a different energetic around what she chose, so then after a few years when the sex begins to die down as it always does with anyone who has sex regularly, she begins to lament on what she could have had and what could have been and the kind of men who used to want her and use to desire her and ravish her and adore her versus keeping her attention on the great man that she has at home. Speaker 0 39:09 It's a different dynamic once again and reminding a man of what he's not or where he lacks sexually in a way that's condescending or demeaning or rude or inconsiderate. It should go without saying. That's not something you should ever do and it's funny, I'm thinking to myself, I didn't have to bring any of these things up when we were talking about how to properly have sex with a woman, but women don't seem to have a problem making very biting and scathing remarks about what a man can or cannot do and about his sexuality. He's really insecure. He couldn't get it up. He's not confident. He can't handle me. He can't keep up with me. He couldn't satisfy me. He couldn't make me come. And when you say that to your girlfriends or in front of him, even worse, a lot of that feels like public humiliation. Speaker 0 39:54 I can't tell you how many couples have stepped into my office and one of the first things out of the woman's mouth is how dissatisfied she is with him and what a terrible lover he is and how awful he is. What if you got more curious about the man you decided to marry, the man you decided to commit to. It's very possible that this man could be more romantic than you, more sensual than you, perhaps even more intimate than you and you can go there. You can go to so many different depths with this man as opposed to just or exclusively getting wealth fucked. I understand that that's a need. It's a need for men too. And for those listening who, this sounds a little shocking too, it's a very strong need for women. Having someone to properly fuck them regularly winds up, in my opinion, keeping them in incredible mental health and balance. I think it's a very healthy dynamic, especially when you're married or in a relationship to have both, to be able to nurture each other and to be able to give one another that proper fucking that you need. Speaker 0 40:54 Number eight, don't make the mistake of assuming that he is like you. You know, you're not like him. You know, purportedly that you're unlike any other woman in the world. Right. And therefore don't assume that he's going to like the things that you like. You know, if he just grabs your breasts or your ass right away or if he just shoves his hand between your thighs without you being warmed up, usually that's not a turn-on. It's generally not the way to your heart and it's generally not the way to make you come right away. Granted, we spoke about those more masculine oriented women who do enjoy that sort of thing. I'm not saying it's a black or white situation, but as men we do tend to be wired this way. We do tend to enjoy drastic measures when it comes to just taking it, going for it, grabbing it, doing it, starting it. Speaker 0 41:44 So it's worth having a conversation about exploring, figuring out, asking or just testing through touch to see what works and what actually turns him on versus what he might find relaxing or pleasant. Let's take something potent like loving, caresses, soft, gentle, caring, sweet. Caresses. I think many of us can agree there's nothing quite like a woman's touch, that soft, caring, nurturing, feeling. It feels so good. But from personal experience, I can say it doesn't necessarily make me feel aroused and turned on. It actually doesn't make me want to make love to you or fuck you. It doesn't create the mood or the space to do something passionate with you. It actually makes me want to curl up next to you and cuddle or be cozy or drift off to sleep together. So if soft caresses Speaker 0 42:36 is something that you like before starting to have sex, relaxing you, making you feel more in the mood or excited or connected to your partner, but you find out that it makes your partner feel like they want to cuddle you up versus have sex with you. And there's a difference in your style. You might think that you're seducing your man, but you could be getting an unexpected result. You might not be doing something that turns him on at all and you might not understand that because you know how good touch feels. You love it and you know what effect it has on you. For some people, especially if you've heard the last episode, a lot of teasing, scratching, biting can be a really big turn on and for others it can be a horrible turnoff. So I say again, your style is not going to be his style most of the time. Speaker 0 43:24 Understanding the kind of sexual language that your male partner speaks is paramount. Even if you can't understand it, even if you don't like it. And even if it's not the way you would do it. And I would advise the exact same thing to a man who wanted to please his woman. For some strange reason, everyone has an enormous fear around talking about it. I think it's appropriate to talk about it anytime someone's willing to have that conversation with you. So number eight not assuming that a man is built and made like you and that he's going to love and adore and get pleasure from the things that you do to him instinctively. Speaker 0 44:00 Number nine is a bit of a sticky one. It's all about bodily fluids and your comfort with them. And don't I know that just saying that phrase made some of you cringe. Let's face it. It's pretty rare that two people are going to come together, Oh and come together and have the exact same disgust sensitivity towards these things. So to be fair, let's hit this one from both sides because it's absolutely for men and women. Oftentimes men expect women to deal with their own mess or the mess that they created them. By the way, when I'm speaking about mass, I mean the after sex leftovers. I think a lot of men expect women to be perfectly clean and pristine all the time and I think there needs to be a lot more sympathy and empathy there because you are the one creating that mess with her and you are equally responsible for it. Speaker 0 44:48 So men you often don't find yourself in the position of having come dripping down you or blood coming out of you or all sorts of vaginal discharge, all sorts of balancing going on. It just doesn't work that way for us and so then when a woman mixes hers with yours, it can get very sloppy and messy. It gets on the sheets, it can stain things. It gets on the comforter on the DVA. It would be preposterous of me to say that everyone needs to get comfortable with their partners, bodily fluids. It's a tall order. It's a big ask and we have such a different level of sensitivity to these things. Some people can't bear the sight of blood. Some people are disgusted by all of it altogether and some people have absolutely no problem tasting it, mixing it, enjoying it, bathing in it, rubbing themselves down in it, and you know right away just by listening to this, if you're really turned off and repulsed and don't worry, we're going to get through it soon, or if you're like, Oh hell yeah, that's exactly what I do. Speaker 0 45:44 And both men and women of all different races, places and spaces feel very different about this. Getting comfortable with this sort of thing takes time, but it may not be something that you're willing to shift, that you're willing to examine and you may spend your entire life never getting over it entirely, but you might be able to warm up to it a little bit. And I think warming up to it a little bit, finding ways where you can find comfort around it is going to serve you in the long run no matter what. Because if you're going to be sexual, you're going to be dealing with bodily fluids, you're going to be dealing with com. Frankly, you're going to be dealing with vaginal discharge and creamy stuff. And sometimes strange colored stuff and strange smelling stuff in all different vaginas smelled differently in all different guys smell differently and you're not always going to love the sweet perfume of another lover. Speaker 0 46:37 So one of my biggest recommendations is understanding what type of person both you and your lover are when it comes to bodily fluids. They'll say it again because it couldn't be more true. Some people love to marinade in their own juices. Some people love the afterglow of he came and she came or he and he came or she and she came and you just lie together in this puddle of urn goodness. Other people find that absolutely repulsive and repugnant and want to leap up, take a shower, immediately, rinse off and then climb back in bed and then the whole thing is over. The mood is lost, everything's gone and there's nothing left to do. It's almost like if you fall in this category that you want to sanitize yourself from your partner, that you feel gross being in their presence or having had this exchange, you wanted the pleasure but you didn't want the aftermath. Speaker 0 47:29 Other people still like a quick cleanup. You keep some tissues by the bed or some baby wipes so you have a quick rinse or you use a day and then you could come back and preserve the moment and keep going. Go again, talk, cuddle, love have more sex, whatever it is. So one of the places I think men can stand to be a little more sympathetic is understanding that it's not comfortable having sticky, wet or cross pollinated things coming out of you. Of course men are more comfortable with their own stuff because it just shoots out and that's it. It often doesn't get anywhere near them. Maybe some accidentally gets on your knee or your leg or your hand, but you're never covered in it. And I'm pretty sure that most straight men are into rubbing it into them and absorbing the protein and all of that. Speaker 0 48:12 So it's nice to appreciate when you have someone who is comfortable with all of these things. That being said, if you're on the other side of it, what can you do to please your man around this subject? If you're dealing with some sensitivities, I'm sure it will come as no surprise to you, but having a conversation about this would be very, very effective. Find out what your man likes and what he's comfortable with beforehand. Can he handle it? If you squirt, does that turn him on to, you know, if you get excessively wet or not. And you should put a towel down. Does he have an aversion to his own common messes? What about your com? Is he comfortable with how wet you get? I know we want all of our partners to be completely comfortable with us and accept us completely for who we are and be completely turned on by us, but the fact of the matter is many people will not be just naturally just by default or they're not well paired for one another sexually or they have different feelings about it. Speaker 0 49:09 This is a very interesting subject for me because you can't really tell how someone's going to behave around bodily fluids based on how they look based on their sexuality or how sexual they are, how much they love sacks, the things that they're open to do, and speaking from personal experience, I've come across countless women who just run the gamut. You have some women who perhaps aren't super sexual and they don't have the most open mind when it comes to sexual activity, but when it comes to messes, maybe they're a nurse, maybe they've raised a child, maybe they're just not put off by it. At all. Maybe they're a biologist or a scientist, and this just goes part and parcel with anatomy and physiology. Other people still feel like they've studied germs and bacteria and everything freaks them out. They're a bit germaphobic and so for that reason, they want to avoid contact with these types of things all together. Speaker 0 49:59 Then you've got women who say, well, they love to give head. They love going down. They love pleasuring their man, but don't you dare come on them in them on their face, in their mouth, anywhere near them because they're completely turned off by com or others have a strong taste aversion to it or others don't want to see it or feel it on them. So who's right and who's wrong? No one. We all just have these very, very different tastes and we wind up getting paired up with people despite chance who also feel very differently than we do about it. Speaker 0 50:30 All right, let's move on from that topic and step into something a bit more exciting. We'll call this one perceived innocence and I think if you're a woman listening, you know exactly what I mean. Imagine you're having sex and you're taking it from your man, you're in missionary position, you're on your back, your legs are open, you're looking up at him, your eyes are wide, and you're sort of gazing into his eyes. That innocent, feminine, vulnerable, sexy look. Sometimes it's just a matter of a woman looking into a man's eyes and we feel that vulnerability. When you share your vulnerability or your innocence or your softness or your shyness with your man and you're sharing it openly, it is an enormous turn on. And that's why I'm a very big fan of eye contact. I'm a very big fan of being present and connecting. So you can tap into that so she can feel safe to look at you in that way. Speaker 0 51:24 I call it perceived in a sense, because of course you're not having sex for your very first time. You likely know what you're doing with your eyes. You've been here before. It's not your first rodeo, but this gaze or this look gives men the feeling that you're somehow this innocent girl who's having this very hot, passionate act happening to her. And so the juxtaposition of this perceived innocence combined with a very hot sex act is a very large turn on. For many men, this one is pretty easy to do. It pretty much just involves looking your man in the eyes while you're having sex with him while you're going down on him. You don't have to try to look young. You don't have to put on a show. A lot of this will naturally happen when you use your eyes in a playful or provocative or sensual or innocent way. Speaker 0 52:12 It happens naturally when you're present and you're looking him square in the face while you're being sexual. Number 11 is another two part suggestion. The first part involves not just laying there and the second part involves refusing to have sex in any other position than the one that you like best because maybe that's the one that works for you or that feels the best for exclusively you, and if that doesn't sound very nice, then you can imagine if a guy's favorite position was simply to fuck you from behind all the time, he never wanted to see your face. That's the best position that worked for him. How long would you go along with that request or demand before you wanted something different? So many women can come a lot easier when they're riding the top, even though I personally don't find that to be true. Speaker 0 52:58 I find that if you really find the right angle, you can hit all sorts of spots from missionary position and even from behind. But if you only always stay in one position because that's what you like. Of course, like anything, it could get rather stale and boring. Women joke all the time about not wanting to have sex and missionary all the time, so being able to switch it up and finding ways that don't hurt your body, but you're open to receive and then more importantly, not just lying there, but moving your hips, moving your pelvis, rocking back and forth. You don't have to be on top to do this. Of course, this is going to require sensitivity and compliance for a man to do this, but I don't know if you know this, a man doesn't have to move or do much through any sexual position. Speaker 0 53:43 He can technically just lay there, sit there or stand there and let you do your thing. Even if he's on top, he can be moving inside of you. Stop and then you can grind your hips up and down and back and forth while you find the right position that works for you. So as long as the guy isn't banging it out and pounding you to oblivion and there's room for you to actually breathe and move and get some of your own Shakira moves going, I think you'll be surprised what can come from you moving to adjust the angle. But again, man, you have to be willing to do this. And women don't be afraid to slow him down and say, Hey, hang on. Slow down to say still for a moment. Let me move. Let me ride this. Let me try something with you. If you do it together, you can actually get a really nice stroke going, like say a rhythm that's not but more like Speaker 1 54:29 boom, boom, boom, boom Chicka boom. Speaker 0 54:34 Then she can move her hips and find the spots that feel great to hurt no matter where you are. Speaker 0 54:39 Women, if you've ever had sex with a man and saw him just lying there, just taking it with his hands behind his head or lately looking up at you, not moving his hips at all while you're doing all the work and sweating your pretty little ass off trying to get him off and get yourself off. You know that that can be <inaudible> cute maybe once, but mostly pretty unappealing. And so too, as a woman, if you're just laying there and you're not making any noises, you're not making any movement. There's no indication that you're enjoying it. That's recipe for disaster because what's the difference between a woman who's loving it, but for whatever reason she's just closed down in all these areas are shy or doesn't like to make any noise or doesn't like to move or is insecure about it? What's the difference between that? Someone who's loving it and then someone who is really not enjoying the experience but doesn't know how to say no? Speaker 1 55:32 Yeah, Speaker 0 55:33 so even if you have to put on a little bit in the beginning, I always think it's healthy to give some reflection back to your partner that you like what's happening. I'm a big fan of the receivers interaction and from behind is a very interesting position because again, she can fuck you very, very well if you let her. She can do amazing things with her ass. She can twerk, she can clap, she can just guide the momentum back and forth. Even if you're a petite smaller woman, it's not a problem. You moving and gliding back and forth on his cock can be amazing cause I think one of the biggest secrets to men's arousal is seeing that a woman actually wants it, that you want to be doing this, that she's doing it. She's being nasty or dirty or delicious or what have you. Or if she wants something more dominant, the man can take control. He can hold her hips, hold her, kiss her face. Guys can just go back and forth pleasuring one another. Speaker 0 56:28 Number 12 and this is a very interesting one. I'm going to defer you to another podcast for the entirety of number 12 because I spoke about it for about 10 to 15 minutes in full detail about avoiding this one and it's biting. So if you haven't already, please listen to the previous episode called how to kiss properly and tune in to the section and biting and what I think about it. But to give you an extreme cliff notes version, I don't believe many men enjoy severe extreme biting or severe extreme pain to the point where you're drawing blood or his mouth isn't going to be able to chew or eat spicy food or citrus for several days thereafter. Women, you get really, really caught up in a moment and you wind up clamping down way, way too hard. So I think biting is best done as nibbling, tasting, being playful, but strong use of your teeth. Speaker 0 57:22 Men don't like it above and we don't like it below, unless my big caveat here, if you're wired to really love pain or he liked the abuse or you like physical abuse, then maybe it's something you're going to love. I do think it's best if you're trying something new with a man or he doesn't know that you enjoy being a vampire that you ask. Do you like biting? And then don't just stop there. Get specific, what kind, how much? Show me on my arm or my nipple or my chest. Get really clear before sinking your teeth into someone. Speaker 0 57:56 Lucky. Number 13 perhaps is one of the most important recommendations for women when having sex and that is not to compromise yourself. Don't compromise yourself. You don't have to put yourself in an uncomfortable position to have great sex, to enjoy yourself, to have a wonderful time or simply because he likes it. And you know what? As a man, I'm guilty of this too. I've put myself in countless compromised positions because I'm extra flexible or I can do the splits or I can sustain something longer than I like with my tongue or with my, because I'm trying to help her come or she needs an extra long tongue stroke or she needs an extra long amount of time to be fingered or because she needs to have sex for the same position over and over and over again in order for her to reach a climax. Speaker 0 58:44 Sometimes we do things for our partner that is very hard work and we don't want that to lead to resentment. We don't want it to lead to feeling frustrated towards them or because we've given too much of ourselves and we're not getting enough back, so not sacrificing pain because you think he's enjoying it. Not having to endure a position. Being able to have the confidence and ability and self-love to say, Hey, we got to try something different, or reach back and use your hand or turn around and look at him or let's switch it up or try fucking me this way or we got to change positions, or, Hey, that's hurting. Let me get on top. Or oof, careful not so deep. You have to be willing to communicate and not think that someone can read your mind. In truth, all relationships, there is a bit of compromise. Speaker 0 59:31 There's a bit of sacrifice here and there. It's very rarely that everything is 100% pure pleasure and so I think you have to gauge how much am I willing to give? Is it going to be worth it for me? Don't tweak or pinch your neck going down on some guy because you think he's enjoying it. Put yourself in a position that you like. Sometimes it's laying on a bed, sometimes it's you on top of him. Sometimes it's you being on your hands and knees. Sometimes it's you being on your knees while he's standing. There's always more than one way to eat. A peach. Number 14 is very subtle and women, I think you're going to understand this way more than men, sometimes due to your previous relationships, traumas, interactions with men or just how you were raised. Some of you may find that you need a certain degree of warming up before you get sexual or intimate, and I think there's two ways to handle this. Speaker 0 00:24 I either think more than once, more than twice and more than thrice. You need to let your partner know that that's how you are, that it takes you some time to get into things, to warm up to them so that when he's expecting to move forward, when he's ready for more and you're just not there, he's clear and you say, you know what? This is one of those times I need you to hold me for a minute. Cuddle me for a moment, talk to me. Give me a little more love, kiss me for a while. Play with me, finger me. You don't need to make a habit of acquiescing to everything he wants. What you want is important too. Sometimes though we get caught in patterns that we just haven't worked on within ourselves and many times people bring, we can call it the trauma or the baggage or the drama or simply just bad habits and old habits or protective mechanisms from previous relationships into our current ones. Speaker 0 01:27 And so we're guarded or vigilant or defensive or snappy or quick to blow up about all number of subjects. So maybe you don't like having your feet touched. I've come across that one a few times. Maybe you don't like having your belly button touched. I've come across this one a bunch as well. Maybe you don't like being licked or kissed or having your breast fondled or having your ass squeezed or having your neck touched or your shoulders caressed or the back of your neck held or your face touched. Maybe you have some resistance around or jumpiness around a man coming at you or asserting himself onto you or touching you or being too forward or aggressive that makes you jumpy and so you're not as soft or relaxed as you like. Even around new partners. Maybe I haven't even listed here, but these things are real. Speaker 0 02:20 They exist. And I'm not suggesting that you let someone do things to you that you don't like, and I'm not suggesting you get over it, but if you do notice when you think about it yourself that it's a little bit odd that you have this foot thing. You put your feet into socks and into shoes every day. You wash your feet, your feet touch, all number of things. But if you don't want someone else's foot touching yours or you don't like, if your foot touches someone else's and this strikes you as something that you might like to work on or it's a little bit peculiar to you yourself. What is the deal with my belly button? It's like I don't mind having my stomach touched. I don't mind having my thighs touching on my being touched between my legs, but for whatever reason, this is a sensitive spot. Speaker 0 03:02 Of course, right in the middle of sex or love making is not the place to work through a trauma like this or something that really bothers you. But maybe together when you're not having sex or by yourself, you can explore what's going on here. Can he touch around it? Can you touch that area? Can he tap it once and it's not a big deal can afoot touch you on your foot and it's not a big deal. Can the backside of someone's foot touch you and it's not a big deal? Where are the lines and would you like to work on yourself so that you don't carry this forward for the rest of your life? And I bring this up because it's my opinion that the world we live in today makes us feel like everything in anything is okay. You don't want to, it's perfectly fine. Speaker 0 03:46 You want to, it's perfectly fine. And I believe in most cases, this of course sounds natural. It's why we have freedom, but when it comes to issues that are holding us back rather than making the rest of the world bend or accommodate a preference, if you don't even know why that preference exists, if the preference doesn't serve you, if this is something that you'd actually like to change and like to work on while you're going to get much farther working on it by yourself doing the deep work than convincing everyone you come across to, for example, not touch your belly button and of course I'm just using feed and belly button as a random example. It could be anything. You might have a sensitivity about having your ears touched or kissed or having a tongue somewhere near certain parts of your body and if you're able to do it through touch, if you're able to explore these parts of your body just by touching yourself there gently, a little caress, a little circular motion, and you can begin to work through it on your own, you might find that this increases your ability to enjoy sex in the future. Speaker 0 04:46 I share all of this with you because it's one of my most sincere beliefs that if you feel deep down, no one wants to spend a lifetime dealing with the same issue over and over and over again. They might feel helpless, they might feel like it can't change. They might feel like that's just how it is or that's a part of them, but no one actually wants that. And so if offering a tool like that can help change or shift your quality of life for the better than, isn't it worth looking at? Who wants to hold on to things that have hurt you from previous relationships or have devastated you from previous marriages, things that you drag forward and push on to other people or that you're still carrying from childhood. I know some of these things can be deeper wounds and I'm not suggesting in the snap of a finger by simply touching your belly button, you're going to get over it. But to shift your intention from, I just don't like that. That's not what I do to, Hmm, does this serve me? Do I want to believe that? Would I like to change? I think can be a measurably helpful, so finding space to work on yourself, truly working on yourself. If you think it's something that you can work through and not just make better for him so that you and he have better sex, but for yourself and your own peace of mind. Speaker 1 05:56 <inaudible> Speaker 0 05:57 number 15 another simple, powerful and effective, but not necessarily simple to apply. Suggestion, speaking up, Speaker 0 06:08 finding a way to use your voice. Share your words. Let your partner know what's going on. Letting someone know when you're in pain, when you're uncomfortable, asking for what you want, making noises that demonstrate that you're enjoying yourself using the word no or stop specifically saying, yes, give me more of this. No less of that. <inaudible> keep going right there. Don't stop. That's really good. Keep rocking it that way. Finding your own words to articulate clearly what you need rather than expecting your partner to be a mind reader. Simple things like right there. I love that. Keep going, keep doing that. Keep your finger on it. Just keep going up and down like that. You circular motions like this. Just like that. I like that. I love this. Wow. I mean so rewarding and so effective for both of you. He wants to pleasure you. He loves seeing that you feel good. Why not help him do so and enjoy all the pleasure along the way. Speaker 0 07:12 Number 16 this came up a little earlier in the episode as well, but I still want to give it some air time and I want to call it not performing or not putting on a show. If you're not a performance artist or you're not intentionally performing for your partner. Now listen, if you are a performance artists, you love to be seen, you love to be dramatic, you love having all the attention on you, you love hamming it up. Maybe you've done some cam work before or you're a cam girl and you just love this sort of thing. Okay, go for it. But if you're find yourself constantly putting on a show for a man not being yourself, you're not really allowing yourself to come in the deepest way possible. You're not really allowing your body to feel all the pleasure it can because you're so focused on making sure you look good or sound good or that he's having a good time. Speaker 0 08:03 Many times women sacrifice their own pleasure because they'd rather put on an act and it's my belief that if you're with a sensitive man and understanding man, someone who cares about pleasure, well then he wants to see the real you, the authentic you, and you know what that might be a you who cries. It might be a you who's a little more sensitive or who needs a little more care and attention. It might be a you who laughs or giggles or trembles. It might be a you who's just quiet or solemn or super excited or it might be a woman who's wild and passionate or devious or super sexual or unbelievably sexual. A lot of women repress their sexual side because they don't want to be judged. They don't want to be seen as super ultra horny or really nasty girls when in fact we know what the truth is. Speaker 0 08:58 All right. Are you ready to wind things down with our final recommendation initially when we meet someone for the first time and we start having sex with them, all of us experience a particular kind of high. We all know what it is. We all love it. We all aspire to keep this honeymoon phase with us as our relationships grow and deepen over the years, but what we don't understand is that that high resulted from a few things. One of them is novelty, the newness and freshness of something happening to us for the first time or first handful of times, but one of the most important factors that gave those experiences. Excitement is the very thing that much of the world fears most and that is uncertainty. The excitement came from not knowing when they'd call you, if they like you, how they feel about you, when you're going to hear from them again, how they taste, how they kiss, how they look at you. Speaker 0 09:55 It all was so fresh and new. But now by seeking to get to comfortable, by seeking to close the gap, by seeking closeness and by trying to rid the relationship of uncertainty, which might look like trying to know everything about the other person, spending as much time with him as possible, living together, sleeping together, living in the same room, working from home together, spending countless hours during the week together, working with them using the same bathroom at the same time. We close all of that off. We shut down the uncertainty and rather obviously you exchange it for certainty. Comfort what we know, reliability, dependability and those qualities though admirable though we love them though they make us feel comfortable and secure can often drain the sexuality right out of our relationship. So as a human being, as someone who likes security, you like to be comfortable. Speaker 0 10:49 You enjoy knowing what's going to happen. You like predictability and stability, especially as a woman. These are all very desirable qualities for you that you want in your man and in your relationship. But then you complain that you feel restraint held back controlled. A lack of freedom or that passion has left the relationship. You try to control the risk. You try to, your fear of loss and you don't want to get hurt, and in controlling this risk, what you wind up doing is taming a lot of our natural sexual urges right out of your intimate relationship. Therefore, lack of desire and marital monotony is born. Number 17 then is a bit of a mental shift. It's about doing your best to not contract the distance between you. Try not to close the gaps so much that you're one in the same. You are one together. Speaker 0 11:46 You're doing everything together. The person is, you're everything. You're breathing the same air, you're sharing the same toothbrush, you're showering together, you're cuddling all morning, noon and night, talking about everything, sharing your innermost desires with one another. Those can all be very nice qualities in themselves, built on romanticism that our one person is our everything, but you just got to understand that doing that, doing that is taking the spark right out. It's killing the sexual attraction, and I know those are strong words. I'm not trying to suggest that you should be distant and cruel or careless with one another or play games or pretend that you're not interested in spending time together. It's none of that. It's really about understanding what's the difference between loving and growing a deep and loving relationship and keeping a sexual one active and alive. And you can do both, but it just may require that you do a little more social distancing, that you don't always have your partner right here and up close, that you allow time to see them from a distance. Speaker 0 12:45 See them doing something that they love, that they thrive at doing that makes them happy. Observing them and not following their every move or calling them or if texting them a thousand times a day, that is a security blanket, a crutch, and if it goes away, if he forgets to call after a moment or an hour or a few hours, you haven't heard from them all day, suddenly dread sinks in paranoia, fear that they might not love you or something happened or something terrible or he must be cheating. All of this nonsense. Try allowing some of that space to exist. You manage your entire life without having that before meeting this person. What about now? And as you lovingly embrace this type of openness, not distance, not arrogance, not game. Playing, not tare told me we shouldn't talk, so now I have to behave this way. Just allowing there to be a little more space. Speaker 0 13:40 You can see a big difference in the level of sexual attraction that you might feel for one another. If you've ever been in a fight with a loved one, if you've ever had an argument or a fallout and they've said, I need some space, or they've rejected you or turned you down, or they left the country, then you know suddenly your desire goes up. Suddenly you want to have them again. You didn't want them before, but now you want them what's going on? That's what's at play. So because I know some of you are hearing this for the first time, let me say it again. When you maximize the certainty in your relationship, you minimize the excitement and the unpredictability and unfortunately eroticism thrives on what's unpredictable and unfortunately in our desire to be so romantic and so close in making our partners mean everything to us, making them fulfill all the roles. Speaker 0 14:28 Our therapists, the person who listens to us are everything. The person who knows us and reads us and loves us and adores and accepts us and has sex with us and cooks for us and cleans for us and dances with us and does all of our extracurricular activities together. Whew. In doing that, we favor that which is predictable. Even one of my absolute favorite influential speakers of all times, Anthony Robbins says passion in a relationship is commiserate with the amount of uncertainty that you can tolerate in that relationship. So how does all this translate directly to you? What can you do about it? If you want to have really great sex with your man, if you want it to be wild and fun and exciting and there can't be so much certainty, there can't be so much knowing there can't be so much contraction. I think a lot of this prevention can happen outside of the bedroom. Speaker 0 15:18 Everything else. The rest of your day, how you interact with one another. Perhaps not having to know where they are in every single moment or what they're doing or how they're doing or if you've heard from them or not. Too much closeness. Yes. Even from the man who created the podcast and company called closeness. Too much closeness can kill the passion in a relationship. Breaks from one another a little distance, not seeing the same side of them, not being in the same house as them for enormous amounts of time. It's really hard if you're both self employed or you work from home or you wind up spending lot of time together, you work together. It's really tricky to keep that sexuality in place, but there's something about getting excited about seeing them when you haven't seen them for a while, if possible. Even if sometimes that's hours in a day or they're not just sitting on the couch. Speaker 0 16:07 When you get home, they're engaged in a different activity that you find attractive or not calling or texting as much or changing the tone of the text that you send one another to something more sexy and steamy. I know it can sound a little bit contradictory to here and for those of you who already have a bit of a shutdown relationship, you don't communicate well. You don't talk to each other. There's not a lot of intimacy. You don't cuddle, you don't check in with each other a lot. Maybe this isn't so much for you, but for those who are a little hyper close, keeping passion alive really deals with a mental shift about closing the gap. Maybe it's a new understanding that you really are enough all on your own or that you can love yourself without someone else loving you, that you don't need someone to complete you, but you certainly are thrilled that they're there to join you along the way. Speaker 0 17:01 Thank you for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode immensely. If listening to episodes like this leaves you hungry for more than you'd like to work one on one or two on one either in person or online, please consider checking out, get closeness.com where you can sign up for one on one coaching. And if this podcast has made a measurable difference in your life and you'd like to give something back, please consider donating to our [email protected] forward slash closeness. Thank you for listening. Stay safe. Take care of those around you and I'll see you next time.

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