Interview: Is it possible to have an unforgettable One Night Stand?

Episode 78 May 26, 2025 00:45:43
Interview: Is it possible to have an unforgettable One Night Stand?
Closeness
Interview: Is it possible to have an unforgettable One Night Stand?

May 26 2025 | 00:45:43

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Hosted By

Tari Mannello

Show Notes

It's been a while since we've posted an interview style format so we're bringing it backwith a bang! (So to speak) For regular listeners who are used to relationship oriented sexual material, don't worry there will still be plenty of that in future episodes. But for today's guest, Venus is here explore how to make a one night stand a special and fun experience.

Closeness also posts videos on all social media platforms. Follow us on

YouTube: YouTube.com/closeness

X and Instagram: @closenesscoach

TikTok: @IntimacyCoaching

Chapters:

0:00 Closeness is now on all social media platforms with videos and shorts

1:55 Introduction to Venus

7:43 Defining what exactly a One Night Stand is

10:55 Does she actually like them

12:45 Is people pleasing an inherently female trait?

14:19 Do you feel obligated to partake?

15:51 Do you like ONS?

16:25 The Kiss tells you everything

18:00 Other ways to tell it will be good

20:18 Is it all about a feeling or attraction or both?

21:38 What to avoid and what does it take to make a great one night stand?

25:27 Reasons why you may not want to do it

28:10 How to know if someone is going to be good or not?

30:48 Not all touch should be taken as an advance

32:55 there are two kinds of great one night stands

33:53 What is the recipe for men?

35:06 When there are fireworks on the dance floor

37:36 What women need to do to prepare for an ONS

40:06 Don't be selfish!

41:14 How do you have a passionate ONS that is connected

42:50 Final thoughts and summing up!

Photography by: Dominik Malik

View Full Transcript

Episode Transcript

[00:00:01] Speaker A: Is it possible to have a one night stand that's really hot? An experience that's not only fun and passionate in the moment, but is actually something that you remember fondly? My name is Tari. You're listening to the Closeness Podcast and if you've been listening for a while, you know the podcast predominantly focuses on building closeness, sex, Hot, passionate intimacy between a couple who's already involved with one another. Or perhaps a relationship that's just starting out. But today we're going to do one of those unusual interviews where you'll get to hear a young woman's perspective from the other side of the planet. Before we begin, you may have noticed that the Closeness Podcast has been expanding outward into different social media channels, posting shorts and long form videos. So if you're craving a more robust and interactive experience and you want to see us on video, you can follow us on [email protected] closeness on Instagram and X Closeness Coach. Or if you enjoy mindlessly scrolling through TikTok, you can hit us up at intimacy coaching. Today's episode was a lot of fun. It was recorded with a young lady named Venus who's visiting us from Poland. I'll be introducing you to her shortly. But we thought it would be really fun and interesting to talk about. Not whether or not you should have a one night stand or if it's moral to do so, but is it possible to actually make one feel really, really good, to be beneficial to both partners, to have it be memorable and. And even more to the point, what are the signs that you look for if you're thinking about having one that would indicate that it would be a good experience for you. It's a common belief by most humans that in order to have great passion, connection, sex or intimacy, you have to know your partner, trust them, feel safe, have some time invested together. But some people have discovered that all it takes is a connection, some great chemistry, or even someone who knows what they're doing to make the experience powerfully seductive. So what do you think? Let's explore all of that and more now. Well, it's a pleasure to have you on the show. Welcome. [00:01:56] Speaker B: Thank you. [00:01:58] Speaker C: I'm happy to have you here. Would you like to tell us anything about yourself, age, where you're from, what you're up to? [00:02:03] Speaker B: Okay. Okay. I'm 25, I'm currently traveling. I left my country one year ago. I've been longer time in Spain and my bigger travel started in December last year. So yeah, I'm an artist in general. So yeah, this topics of Sexuality of being close, of intimacy are huge topics in my life. They are with me since we can say I was 15 or maybe even earlier a bit, but according to situations which were happening in my life. And so we can say like 15 was important age. So I'm very interested about your point of view of this kind of things. If intimacy is even possible in terms of short love affairs or short term, or like just having lovers or friends with benefits. How will you call that? But friends with benefits. They have this magic word, friend. And that's also for me like thin lines. Where is the lover, where is the friendship? And where is just like banging, as you call it. [00:03:06] Speaker C: Can I ask you a few questions about your past and sexuality? [00:03:10] Speaker B: Of course. [00:03:10] Speaker C: Did you lose your virginity when you were 15? [00:03:13] Speaker B: No, I lost my virginity when I was 16. When I was 15, I had a very not nice experience. I was acting, started to act in some TV series. Also I started from the student projects. Each student had to do the year movie to finish the year and have the note for that. So When I was 15, I had a photo session. I was sexual abuse on that photo session. And that was the guy who I met in one of the movie project when I was actually younger, because we were shooting that when I was still 14 and he. He was an actor there and he was also doing like photo sessions as he. As his hobby and he were doing very nice photos. And as I knew him from the set and I needed new photos in my portfolio, we just agreed that we're gonna meet for photo session. So fortunately that wasn't rape. But also that had a huge influence on my life, on my sexual life later on my approach to the guys, to the men's in my life. Because also it before I lost my virginity also I was still like a child teenager. That was the time when I was changing to the woman. I wasn't there yet. I was like in this transformation. And every girl had it in a bit different age. But this is similar when you are 13 to 16, 17, a lot of things are happening. [00:04:40] Speaker C: Do you feel like it permanently altered the course of how you view men and relationships? [00:04:45] Speaker B: Well, right now I think it's no longer affecting so directly. And I think it also at the beginning it wasn't because this. And my parents divorced and my dad told me that I should never let someone convince me that I should have sex after the wedding, being married. Because it's too important thing in our relationships. It's too important ingredient. We can't just ignore that. And it's Insane idea to have it too know, promise someone you will be with that person until the rest of your life. And never had sex, which you want to have sex with that person. And if it turns out bad. So all of these three things like mixed in my head and give me the approach that there is no love, there is only sex. Sex runs the world. So it was just the mix of all of it. And I think in the years, actually it came back to me and I realized that I had problems with saying no. So I started to say no. I started to realize that also at the beginning I wanted only to satisfy the men. I was forgetting about my pleasure. I was doing things which I wasn't feeling like to do, but I was doing them because I was feeling obligated to that, that I should, that this is my task, my job, kind of, you know. So I think it still may be affecting, but it's more, I think in my unconsciousness than in conscious choice. But also as I'm aware of that, I've worked through that in therapy, that experience. [00:06:25] Speaker C: And you had your father telling you basically, don't wait until you're married to have sex because it's too important. [00:06:31] Speaker B: Yes. [00:06:32] Speaker C: And I couldn't agree more. I see people all the time who did wait and they waited sometimes 10 or 20 years and then they start having sex. Eventually the woman winds up being very unsatisfied because the man is just trying to do whatever he thinks he should do. One to two minute sex, maybe really fast pounding, maybe just his pleasure. Only doesn't know how her anatomy works or where her clit is. And so there's just this huge amount of education that has to happen. But by the time you're in your late 20s, 30s, 40s, it's not too late. But it's hard to make those big changes when you don't have experiences from whatever time you lose your virginity. So you started fairly early, but also, I think fairly normal with having sex. How would you describe your sexual relationship? [00:07:14] Speaker B: That was total mix, I would say I was totally mixed. There were more short term for sure because long ones were only two. And I had like a lot of different adventures, shorter ones, one night stands too. But the relationship being in the monogamies with one guy couple, there was two long ones and two short ones. The longest it was around two years and a half. [00:07:38] Speaker C: Okay, that's actually not bad because you're about to be 26, right? [00:07:41] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:07:41] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:07:42] Speaker C: Okay, so let's see if maybe we can define what a one night stand is. Okay, right. Because I also think of a one night stand. Like it might also be you meet someone and you do it once and then the next night also, and then maybe the next night and then they leave. It sort of gets in that same category. It's like a three night stand technically, but we're really talking about extremely short and instantaneous, I would say. [00:08:04] Speaker B: So like for me, one night stand is how it's called. It's one night stand. [00:08:08] Speaker C: Once. [00:08:09] Speaker B: Once. [00:08:09] Speaker C: Okay. [00:08:10] Speaker B: You never see the person again probably. I also like what you say like three night stand. We can say it like that. But for me, when it's more than once, it no longer one night. So I would say this adventure sec. And probably those longer ones maybe happens like when you're traveling, for example, when you, I don't know, meet someone who is in the same place for the same period of time and you have this one night stand, for example, after the party and figure it out, you will want to stay in touch longer and see again. But for example, after one week, two weeks, you're going back to your countries or going further with the journey, but in totally different directions. When sex ends and begins friendship. [00:08:51] Speaker C: Right. Like a friends with benefits situation. And what that is, you need to. [00:08:55] Speaker B: Be friends first to have the friends with benefits. Or you can become friends with benefits because you met on the journey. You had this, for example, magical one week, then you went to your directions and you keep on in touch. So it's your lover or it's your friend. [00:09:12] Speaker C: I know women who don't believe that your friends just because you had sex. So some people carry that belief. You could have a one night stand. The way you describe, like you're traveling and you meet and by force, because the train is leaving or your flight is leaving, it's one night. You can also have one night stands, which I think happens millions and millions of times a day because you went to the bar or the club and you met someone, you just had sex. [00:09:36] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:09:37] Speaker C: And then they never call you again or you never call them again. [00:09:40] Speaker B: Yeah. So I think one night stand definition, we stay with the simplest one is just one night. That's it. Whenever it's happening. [00:09:47] Speaker C: Two different contexts. One is it had to be that way and the other is oh, I don't want to do that again or I regret with that person or what do you mean? [00:09:56] Speaker B: I'm not sure if I understand. Like what do you mean by it had to be that way? [00:09:59] Speaker C: It had to be that way because I'm leaving for Rome in the morning or I'M traveling to France tomorrow. So we only have one night versus if you go out to a club tonight and you meet someone, you have the option to make it a two and three and four night stand. [00:10:15] Speaker B: Yeah, but isn't like that that maybe we always have this option? Because for example, you go back to Rome, but you are traveling a lot. And that person which you met also may be traveling a lot or also if you would really want to meet again. There are possibilities in this world. So of course in that moment it is kind of had to. But for me it's never like it. [00:10:37] Speaker C: Had to be like that can make it happen again. [00:10:40] Speaker B: Exactly. Or you can change that to something different. Like maybe even just being friends. If for example, you went back to Rome, I don't know, she went back to Greece and after half a year she found a boyfriend. But they are still in touch and they still can be friends. [00:10:56] Speaker C: Yeah. The way we're doing this interview is we're sort of both interviewing each other. You can ask me anything you like. But let's just start with do you like having one night stands? [00:11:06] Speaker B: Not anymore. I used to like that it has we can say on charm, but it wasn't always charming as you can as you can think. That's why also this topic in my mind came out and I would like love to know your perspectives because I'm still wondering if it's possible like I know it is possible to have passionate one night stand and. And it can also like afterwards change to something more and you, you go with the approach. Okay, it's gonna be one night stand but it can help and also it can surprise you that you really want to meet that person again. And you can meet that person also like that person wants to see you also again. But also I had the one night stands and I think the most of it was like that unfortunately that the guy wasn't totally thinking about my pleasure then it wasn't totally mutual. And I was then in my period that I was convincing my satisfied because he is satisfied. You know, of course that is possible that you can feel dissatisfaction because the other person is satisfied and you, you have that with that pleasure and so on, you make them calm and so on. Of course. But I think it also happens when you already have some deeper connection with someone. When you can not come by yourself and be satisfied by other person pleasure. But also usually in this kind of cases the other person is at least trying to satisfy you too. Or I don't know if was very tired or something. You are also Understanding. Okay, it's not my, my turn today. [00:12:45] Speaker C: Do you feel like that people pleasing or that want to make sure the man is satisfied attitude or that don't worry about my pleasure. Do you think that's an inherent female quality or do you feel like it's stronger in you? Where did it come from? [00:12:59] Speaker B: That's interesting question. I think it can be inherent woman quality. Quality. Thank you. And it of course can be in different levels on every woman. But I think also because of our instincts about like we're all womans, maybe we don't necessarily have to want to have a child, but we have those maternal instincts. We may have a decision like I don't want to be like have children. But I think it's still not that, you know these feelings, these instinct to take care of someone, to nurture. [00:13:33] Speaker C: To what Nurture? [00:13:35] Speaker B: We say yeah, to nurture someone, to, to help to take care. I think we have a little seed or a little plant or bigger plant inside of us. Like every woman. Of course when I also see my friends and so on, some of women are a bit higher. Some of women are having children, some of them not someone of them like because of their experiences are. I'm not into people pleasing anymore. [00:14:00] Speaker A: Right. [00:14:00] Speaker B: Yeah. I think it's like it can be in every woman. And I also think that in that moment of my life I totally have it. Had it higher now through all of work which I done and that's not my job, you know, and being able. [00:14:14] Speaker C: To say no and tuning into what you want and if it's best for you. And I think some women also men too, like an exchange or a thank you or I feel feeling obligated. Have you ever experienced things like that where it's. I feel like I should have sex with you because you something for me or. [00:14:31] Speaker B: Yes, of course. Too many times. Yeah, yeah, I think too many times I had like that like had these feelings. It wasn't always happening, but a lot of times it was happening. So yeah, I had that too. And also in one night stands. Well, it's hard to say that I had it then because usually when you have this idea of one night stand, it's when you meet someone in the club, you both want that and so on. So it's hard to talk about it, but I have a feeling that horniness and so on was falling down. But you didn't see the way out. Of course there always was the way out, but it would be weird, you didn't know what would happen and so on. And also to Be honest, not most of my one night stands wasn't like that from the club. Sometimes it was even people which I knew somehow. And it wasn't, you know, typical scenario that you go to the club and you find some random person and you end up in bed and in the morning you go out and you never see the person again. That was kind of my how to say that to not use the friend work people which I knew from somewhere, from work, from other friends or the house party or something like that. Sometimes it was happening also with some of them. And sometimes I even was seeing these people later. That was weird. That was weird. [00:15:51] Speaker C: As of today, after all of your experiences, do you actually like one night stands? Are you hopeful that they can be better? Where do you stand with them right now with the ones that you've experienced? [00:16:03] Speaker B: So I think I don't like them anymore so much because I'm no longer having this feeling of being satisfied by satisfying others. But also it's not like I'm 100% closed for that. Because why not? That's kind of my motto recently. And that's why also I started traveling. Of course, not only because of that. I won't go with him if we want kiss before and if the kiss won't be good. Because I also noticed that I can tell a lot after the kiss. And if I'm not liking the kiss, then I'm not gonna like sex. It's like 99. Because I still live that 1%, you know, I'm not making like statistics. Maybe I should. But yeah, there is also slight chance that, you know, maybe the person can surprise you and so on. But if it's only about the one night stand, I'm not taking like that risk anymore. Especially that I remember and I know that the kiss is very, very good thing and it can happen in the public space. You don't have to go, you know, tomorrow you don't have to go check it out. Exactly. So it always leaves me this door open. There are still people around and I can smoothly and kindly also try to mix out of them. [00:17:23] Speaker C: Make your exit situation. [00:17:24] Speaker B: Yes. [00:17:25] Speaker A: Good. [00:17:25] Speaker C: I've always thought that sex for women, I would call it a crapshoot in gambling. Like you don't know what you're gonna get. Maybe he's gonna be big, maybe he'll be small. Maybe he'll be good, maybe he'll be bad. Maybe he forgot to shower and you have no idea. Oh, it doesn't mean crap. Like, I think I know what you're thinking. [00:17:42] Speaker B: I know I know. No, no, I've understood. I've understood as reaction for no shower. Okay. [00:17:48] Speaker C: And like, right, like you don't know. And I always think it must be so hard for a woman to know if they're going to have great sex with someone new because he might stay soft, he might finish too quickly. You don't know anything. So the kiss technique is at least like one way to check it out. And I also think if there's touching and the energy can be another way. [00:18:08] Speaker B: Of course. [00:18:08] Speaker C: Can he hold eye contact? Can he touch you in a way where you're like, oh, that was nice. [00:18:13] Speaker B: Yes. [00:18:13] Speaker C: Yeah. He's not too aggressive and not too careful. [00:18:16] Speaker B: Yeah, totally agree. That's also the part how it's like he's approaching me and also how I'm feeling when it's happening, how my body is reacting. Because I learned also a lot of my body reactions and some sometimes in the past I was fooling it, but I also didn't know that was actually happening. I wasn't paying attention so much. But if my body in front of someone is like closing, going like that, or like I feel something bad in stomach and so on, that means no. Even if it's charming, even if he can be the best lover in the world, when my body is like that, that means it's not gonna be like, good for me, maybe for someone. Yes. So that's. Yeah, that's what you're saying. I'm totally agree. Feel yourself and see all of that and connect it, you know? [00:19:03] Speaker A: Yeah, Yeah. [00:19:03] Speaker C: I really love that you're saying that a lot of women take the approach that if they have a bad feeling, he's a red flag globally, like a dangerous guy. But I think the right approach is this guy doesn't work well for me. [00:19:16] Speaker B: Yes. [00:19:17] Speaker C: And maybe even tomorrow or in a month, if you met him again, you might feel differently maybe. Right. But in this moment, you have to listen and it's exactly. [00:19:25] Speaker B: Yeah, of course. [00:19:25] Speaker C: But it doesn't mean he's globally. [00:19:27] Speaker B: Of course not. Like, I mean, of course not. [00:19:30] Speaker C: Feels obvious. I know. [00:19:31] Speaker B: Like, yeah, for me it feels obvious. But I can imagine why you're telling that. Yeah, of course it's not global. I mean, maybe in some of the cases it could be like the global red flag. If that could be. I don't know. [00:19:45] Speaker C: Sure. I'm sure it can happen. Right. [00:19:46] Speaker B: Civil rights here or something like that. But it's kind of extreme situation. No, of course. That's why we have the types of people, brunettes, some of blondes but this is a very shallow but you know what I mean? Very shallow generalization. But that's why I also don't have approach like he's a red flag for every woman. It's not even though it can be even nice sometimes that he's not for, for you. But it can be, for example, you can see that, oh, maybe he's good for my friend. [00:20:14] Speaker C: Sure. [00:20:14] Speaker B: And look there is my friend being a wingman or something like that. [00:20:19] Speaker C: Do you feel like it's all about feeling for you or all about attraction? Is it 50, 50, like attraction. I look at him, I say, okay, he's hot, I want him. And then a feeling like, oh, my body is responding. [00:20:33] Speaker B: I think it's totally connected. And I think also our attraction is based on feelings, you know, feelings about the person. Also how we've been teached, for example, the standards, how we imagine our partner or what movies we were watching or how our parents looked, how our parents were talking. So yeah, I think it's a mix because sometimes it's like I can admit that someone is very hot, but I'm feeling nothing. Or I even feel like, no, don't, don't touch me. [00:21:03] Speaker C: Right. [00:21:04] Speaker B: So it, of course it's like compilation. I can't, I can't say that you're objectively hot, but I'm not attracted, attracted sexually to you. It can be like that. [00:21:15] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:21:15] Speaker B: I don't know if it's like 50, 50, but maybe, maybe we can say it's 50% of attraction and 50% of your feelings about the person in your body, in your mind, in your, in your heart. And then if you have this on 100, then it seems like the good recipe for a good one night stand. [00:21:36] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:21:37] Speaker B: Let's say. [00:21:39] Speaker C: Okay, so I have some thoughts on what it takes to make a good one night stand. And I don't think most people, especially men, ever think about it. I think to have a successful one night stand, a lot has to happen. Most people want it to be spontaneous and they're possibly a little drunk or you know, high or something and it lets them do it. For me, I never want to have one unless I have the ability to do it again and again. That's just a personal preference. Like even if it's again and again that night, I don't want it to last five seconds or five minutes. I think if a man goes into it thinking that he's just going, there's this terrible, terrible expression I can't stand. It's actually used in Trading, like finance, but it's called pump and dump. Like just do it and then leave her and. Right. And there's a mentality of this. And I think if men have that mentality, it really, really doesn't do any favors for women thinking positively about these experiences. If he's in it for his pleasure, only if he doesn't have an idea of how to please you, or he just wants to come or feel good or have relief, I think that's like a disaster for a one night stand. And I think a lot of women experience that and that's why they go sour. [00:22:50] Speaker B: I agree, I agree with that. You know, of course there are existing women also who have like pump and dump ideology. I also used to practice that. And to be honest, sometimes it can be even a bit relieving. But it I think depends also combination of your past experiences and why you're doing that. Because at some point when I was doing that with like complete awareness of my past experiences and so on, it could be even bit relieving because pump and dump means also no expectations or. [00:23:21] Speaker C: Hit it and quit it. That's another one, America. Yes, you were saying no expectations. [00:23:27] Speaker B: Yes, yes. Because in that ideology there's no place for that. There's no place for expectations, there's no place for hopes. And there's thin line between expectations and hopes. So but still you don't have anything and for sure you don't have requirements because there is no space for that neither. So that can be like one good thing about it. But yeah, it would be nice if the man, even if they want to have one night stand, it's still one night stand if you will have it few times during the one night and you will never see the person again. But that's a good approach. I think that's a nice one. Also it depends. [00:24:11] Speaker C: It always depends. [00:24:12] Speaker B: It always depends. We know that. But also it depends if two sides will want to do it multiple times during the night. But usually when it happened multiple times during the one night, then it has to be something more than just pump and dump. Because if you pump and dump, you literally can walk out or even tell her to go out. [00:24:31] Speaker C: Right? [00:24:32] Speaker B: You know, so, and if it happens more time, I don't think the woman would like to stay. Or maybe she would stay to satisfy him again. But then I think it would be more the feeling of duty. Or maybe at the second time it would be still hope that, okay, maybe this time I will come it wasn't so bad because it can also be nice. But when it's too short or. And sometimes it's not happening, I would dare to say more times, it's not happening more times because like guys, especially when they are drunk or high, they're not able to be hard again. So sometimes even women would like to go more and have an orgasm too and so on, but he's just not able to do that. And he's not good. He's not good at fingering or, or leaking. Then probably she will live by herself because she won't see anything more in here for her. [00:25:29] Speaker C: So let me try to put that together a little bit. These are the reasons why to me it's not good or wise to have a one night stand. You have risk of disease. You don't know how the guy is going to be. You have, the guy is going to come too quickly. Maybe the girl just wants to hit it and quit it. If you have mismatched desires, like the guy wants a relationship and the girl just wants sex. Sex or vice versa, which is probably more like it. Let's say sex with you is so amazing for a guy, it's the best he's ever had. But you just wanted relief or an experience. So he wants to text you, call you, have breakfast with you and you're just like, whoa, whoa, whoa, this was just a one night thing. Nobody really is sitting down and saying, okay, so we're gonna fuck later and I'm not gonna call you again and we're just gonna do this thing really fast. Nobody's having a conversation like that maybe. [00:26:15] Speaker B: But like I think there is a way to know because I think nowadays case more people are open to say that out loud at the beginning for, for example, to not be disappointed later. But also sometimes I think it could hear the, the charm, the, the magic of moment and so on. And I think you can know later. And of course it can work both ways because if you exchange the contacts and the other person wants to see you again and you don't want to see that person again, then I think you should just, just tell another person that. And that's also this risk which we are need to be aware of. And I think the communication is very, very important and you just need to be aware of the risk. But I also have a feeling that we kind of getting to the conclusion, let's not do one night stand. [00:27:03] Speaker C: No, no, I have something different. [00:27:05] Speaker B: You know, as we told already, like everything depends. You know, it can be very good sex for both sides and you will be happy and go into your separate ways. And everybody gonna be satisfied. Satisfied and happy and content on it. How we can avoid this disappointment. [00:27:21] Speaker C: Right, right, right, right. Well, I think it's important to know the risks. And then I'll even say from my own personal experience. I've had amazing one time experiences. Whether it's been traveling or just by virtue it happened once. I've had some unforgettable ones. I've still, you know, thought of. I think it's extremely important if you're going to do it that the man knows what he's doing sexually. Because. Because a man can always make the experience great for both people. [00:27:49] Speaker B: Yes. But how to recognize them? [00:27:51] Speaker A: Right. How do you know? [00:27:52] Speaker B: Give me advice. You are a man, you had a lot of this kind of experiences. Give me advice how to recognize this kind of man. [00:27:59] Speaker C: Yeah. Let me flesh it out a little bit. I think guys who talk about it is not the answer, like, oh, I'm so good with women or I know how to make her come. I don't think that's the answer. [00:28:10] Speaker B: That's the opposite. [00:28:11] Speaker C: You were saying how do you tell, how do you know if someone's gonna be good? [00:28:14] Speaker B: Yes. [00:28:15] Speaker C: I personally think it's almost impossible without a woman having an actual, an interaction like this. Actually. How is our eye contact? How is the chemistry? Do I, do I break the touch barrier? Do you like the way my hand feels? Do I escalate a little bit? And I observe as a man that your body is opening a little bit or softening. I mean, those would be things that I would look at. Does she feel receptive to me? A lot of guys aren't comfortable in their skin. I think it might be easier for me to define probably this guy is not good at a one night stand if this happens. [00:28:50] Speaker B: Okay. That's also the advice. Tell me. And I think also a lot of women doesn't feel good in their bodies, you know? [00:28:57] Speaker C: Right. [00:28:57] Speaker B: I think it's the all genders thing. [00:29:00] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah, yeah, True. [00:29:01] Speaker B: It's just being humans. But what things are like not gonna be good? [00:29:05] Speaker C: This is generality, not fact. I think men who are anxious and uppity so they always have to keep talking or they talk really fast or you see a lot of gestures with the hands or if they touch you, it's a little awkward or some of that. I think too shy and too shut down and nervous with eye contact. I think if the guy is cracking too many jokes and being sarcastic and doesn't take anything seriously. So everything is sarcasm and everything is, they call it in America like a nag Yeah, I understand that. Where you're complimenting and then putting her down at the same time. I don't think that signals someone's going to be good sexually looking at the way he breathes, looking at the way he holds himself, which again also shouldn't be like overly arrogant, you know, and like looking down, but just a confidence in body language. Is it okay if I'm touching your leg and arm? [00:29:57] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:29:57] Speaker C: Okay. If I touch you like this a couple times and nothing happens, I almost think that's the same as if you take my hand and put it back. If I keep doing this and this and you're just here like looking at me like this. I feel like a lot of women don't know how to say no. And this is also a no. But maybe she's freezing up or maybe she doesn't know what to do. Okay. [00:30:20] Speaker B: Yes. [00:30:20] Speaker C: Good. Now if you play with me for a minute, if I go like this and you put your hand on mine, oh my God. That's a signal. If I go to take it away and you leave your hand there, it exaggerated. We have a little bit of like, like this action right where there's a dragging or you touch me or you find a way to go, oh my goodness, that's so funny. Now we have something called, you know, connection and chemistry. [00:30:46] Speaker B: True. But I would also say because there are different kind of touch for me too. So if I will say oh my God, this is so funny and I will take my drink, it doesn't necessarily mean that I invite to even kiss or fuck or something. But for sure that's true that the breaking the physical barrier, it's also affecting a lot what's happening next. And this is kind of a rule that there's more chances than when you break the physical barrier it's gonna happen. Especially if you want that if she does it multiple times and then you put like you will try to grab her hand or put it here and she gonna react on that then for sure. Like that's also meaning that you know, she's, she's open or she's into you and she's just open for the bigger interaction. But I am kind of touchy person and it doesn't necessarily mean always that when I do all like that or something like that now you know. [00:31:45] Speaker C: Sure, right. [00:31:46] Speaker B: But that this is also the different kind of touch for me. You know, it's not like it's just hahaha. Yeah, yeah, you know, it's different one. And I think it's also important to Educate. Yeah. There are different kinds. And how do you feel them? And I feel, I, I think and I feel that women are more aware of that also because of the way how we reach our orgasms, how we, how we feel the pleasure. And I think guys could be more aware of that and could learn more. Like this don't necessarily means I want to hug you and I want you to touch me everywhere. No. [00:32:23] Speaker C: Yeah. Another way to escalate. I'm going to pretend that you have hair in your face and touch your hair. Okay. If the girl or the guy goes, oh, one second, you just have a little something here, a little fix and that starts to be very intimate. Or you pick something off their clothes. Oh, you have a little hair here like that. If she's doing things like that to you, to me that's a sign. [00:32:44] Speaker B: Yeah, I would say so. That's true. [00:32:46] Speaker C: We're talking about having a connected experience. This conversation. Okay. [00:32:51] Speaker B: Try to make some recipe. I don't know if it's possible. [00:32:55] Speaker C: I think there are two kinds of really good one night stands. Okay. One is what we're doing that's building chemistry, building a connection and trying to figure out especially you do I like this person enough to let him inside of me another time. And I think women crave this too. Is both people, they really want something hot. And hot doesn't often look like this for some people. [00:33:17] Speaker B: Yeah. That case you're not talking much. You just find the dance floor. You start to dance with each other, feel these sparks in the air and then you kiss. Even the sparks becoming fireworks. Then probably you don't need to talk at all. You just can go out together and then. Oh, sorry, what's your name? [00:33:38] Speaker C: What was your name again? As you're smoking the cigarette, proverbially I. [00:33:42] Speaker B: Would say then it's really strong attraction since the beginning. From both ways. Of course. If you are a good dancer and you, you can see if someone is looking at you on the dance floor that kind of like hinges. [00:33:54] Speaker C: But I do think there's a recipe for men. I think the man has to identify, I call it in my practice, her sexual strategy. What turns her on and gets her going. And you're in a phase of life where you're looking for more connection. Some women are a phase of life where they're looking for just the fucking. And it can change all the time. When you meet a woman, you have to identify in this moment. Is this woman looking to fuck or is she looking to have a connected, sensual, loving experience? How do you do that, well, most men don't know how to do the sexual stuff in an attractive way. They know how to be sexual, take their clothes off and put themselves inside. But sexual like I pull off your strap or I pull you close or I, you know, maybe draw you in in a certain way. Most men start with sensual and sensual can be careful. So there's too careful like this. And that turns women off if they're looking for the sexual only part, by the way, in relationships, in marriages, in long term and short term as well. If the man is too cautious and careful, assuming he has consent on both sides, it will turn the sexual woman off. If you're too sexual with the woman who wants to be sensual and connect, it might feel like, oh my God, this is too aggressive. [00:35:07] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, I agree. But let's go back to the situation. Like we are in the club, there is like fireworks on the dance floor and, and so in that moment you see the woman first time in your life. How you know if that woman now is looking into more, something, you know, deeper and so on or just sexual. Sure, I guess you just need to. [00:35:25] Speaker C: Try and I'm not speaking for myself, but there are some cues that men in the world use whether we like it or not. How provocatively is she dressed, how much makeup is she wearing, how much of her tits and ass are sticking out, how much is she showing, how many piercings does she have? Is she being affectionate with everybody? And then you put all those things together and if it's all high, you start to think that woman probably wants to fuck or that woman probably wants an experience like this. It's a judgment, it's an assumption. But that's one way to tell they. [00:35:57] Speaker B: Can be woman in this kind of outfit and she's having fun on the dance floor and so on. But that's true and I think a lot of in case of one night stands especially it's based on actually on our look and our attract. So it's fine like it can be a bit judgmental but when you are in kind of hunting then of course we, you know, we're not digging deeper because we're not looking for that. While we hunting can we like create some recipe for me for sure. The first rule is paying attention, being present in the moment and paying attention to the signals from both sides and learn how no and how yes looks like learning like kind of touches. [00:36:36] Speaker C: The man has 10 times more homework if he wants to make it good for the woman. The woman has to look out for. Is this going to be something fun or good for me or healthy. [00:36:44] Speaker B: Well, I'm sorry, but I think it's not like. Like that because we have different kind of homework and we also never 100% sure if it's gonna be good for us. It's risk from the both sides, so. [00:36:57] Speaker C: Oh, I see what you're saying. [00:36:58] Speaker B: You know, it's a risk for the both sides and we may have all of this connection when we are talking. We can go out to your place, to my place, and then I'm in bed. But it can turn out that it was too short for us or the connection, the talking. Everything was very good. We were like, why not? I need that I'm horny, for example, tonight. But it was too short or it was long. But he wasn't able to make us calm because also women are coming in a different way. So we have different kind of homework. It's never like. I think in that case it's like easier. [00:37:33] Speaker C: Totally. You make a good point. Let me clarify. I think we're on the same page. Women have to be aware and pay attention to a lot of signals and many things to make sure that it's going to be safe or good for them. Men, our homework is if we want to make it a good experience, we have to be engaging, like be able to have a conversation. We have to be able to read. Are we still just talking and talking and talking, but you're already ready to go. But not get you there too quickly. We have to start engaging with touch. We have to sort of lead it, ideally in a way that is attractive to you and we have to pay attention to. Yes, yes, yes. Wait. Yes. Yes. I'm not ready. Will you cuddle me? Yes. Yes. I'm going to start crying now. Can you hold me? [00:38:13] Speaker B: That's weird. Very weird. Like which you showed like, I'm lost right now. What you wanted to say by that, I mean, because also it's about no's and yes. And I think sometimes it's just you may perceive something like yes. But for her it wasn't a yes. And why the crying? What? You mentioned the crying. I'm lost. [00:38:34] Speaker C: Some women, when they have an orgasm, they start crying afterwards. And some men haven't seen that before. [00:38:40] Speaker B: Ah, so you are already there. [00:38:41] Speaker C: Yeah. So this is after. [00:38:42] Speaker B: Okay, okay. Okay. [00:38:44] Speaker C: Sometimes she just needs to be held. Sometimes she just needs some space. [00:38:48] Speaker B: So Kirst, did you have this kind of situation when you were having one night stand? That woman was crying after the orgasm. [00:38:55] Speaker C: After. [00:38:56] Speaker B: And that was one night stand? [00:38:58] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah. [00:38:58] Speaker B: Okay. Because I was wondering because I know it happens, but I had always the impression that it happened in more deeper level when it's happening. That's why I, I was surprised why we talk about it. Okay, I, I see you had this kind of experience, but also it was only once. [00:39:14] Speaker C: So it's not like, sorry, more than once. Yeah. [00:39:17] Speaker B: Okay, so how many? [00:39:18] Speaker C: I'm thinking of at least, least four. [00:39:19] Speaker B: Okay. [00:39:20] Speaker C: What I understood is they haven't had such maybe an intense release before or they haven't had the ability to just let go and feel so open and raw. [00:39:28] Speaker B: Yeah. But I think it's also rare and usually when the men's are looking for one night stands and then unfortunately look only for their, their satisfaction. So what all of your words you're saying is very nice because I think you just have all of experience, you were raised good, you have a good approach to Mohan. So you want, you know that is important also so her gonna enjoy that too. So that's very good. But it's also showing that it's possible. It's possible. Yes, it is possible. You know, it is possible to, to have a good one night stance or short, short term relationships. But it's always a risk. And I would say that our advice can be also for men, be open more to another side and don't make it only about themselves. Because even if woman is making it about her and she wants to fight that night and she's horny, she wants to like fulfill her needs on that moment of her cycle and so on, then like there is much less chances for her to actually come than men. Because if she's like that, she's open. I would say this like 99% of sure that men will come and this 1% usually is because he's not able to because he's too drunk and he can't get hard. And it's not even because of her because it's not because of you, it's because of him. Are you agree? [00:40:53] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:40:53] Speaker B: Cool. He's agreeing, he agree. [00:40:56] Speaker C: I mean some men do struggle to actually orgasm. Like they have a hard time getting there. It's not because of her anyway. Usually sometimes if we have sex for too long or our mind mind isn't relaxed, just like with women, it's difficult. But this is really good. I feel like we're just starting to get to the really juicy stuff. [00:41:12] Speaker B: Starting. What would be the juicy stuff? [00:41:15] Speaker C: How, how do you make it a special experience? How do you make it a connected one? What's required to Have a one night stand that's super passionate and connected. [00:41:24] Speaker B: The talk should happen, I think the kiss should happen earlier. And the touch, which is really giving you the positive vibrations in your body that it's not like neutral touch for sure it's not a bad touch, but for sure it can be like neutral touch. Because I think sometimes that if it's neutral, then it's not bad, but it's also not so good. And you. And if you are thinking about just right here, right now, then neutral touch for sure won't satisfy you as this touch. Who is giving you goosebumps or who's giving you this inner frill, or your eyes are sparkling, you know you're feeling maybe your heartbeat more intense, but not in this stress way, in this exciting way. Because there's also sometimes, I think easy to mix. Sometimes I think we can end up in uncomfortable situation. And I think also because of that and we'll need to learn by ourselves how to see the distinction between two of those kind of heart bumping. [00:42:25] Speaker C: Heart beating. [00:42:26] Speaker B: Heart beating. Yeah. Not bumping. [00:42:28] Speaker C: Bumping is another version of what we're talking about. Okay, good. Well, it was a pleasure to talk to you about this. You have a lot of very interesting thoughts and ideas and I feel like it could be fleshed out into a lot of different episodes. [00:42:43] Speaker B: We can continue talking, but maybe to sum up also, what is your conclusion? These short points, as I did? [00:42:51] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:42:52] Speaker A: I think if you're a man, the best thing that you can do is pay attention to your partner and you have to be able to do it in a very comfortable way. So if I'm talking to you, I can't get too distracted by, oh, she blinked twice or flipped her hair a certain way. It's important to not put her under a microscope and to also not make yourself feel like you're analyzing your behavior under a microscope. So I have to be comfortable in my own skin. I have to be comfortable with talking, flirting, physical contact, moving things forward and still being able to observe her body language and having it register quickly if she's comfortable or not. Are her arms crossed? Are her toes and knees pointed towards me? Is she looking around the room? Does she get on her cell phone a lot and have to text? Or is it feeling more connected? Like all of her attention is on me or she's giving me lusty or sensual looks? Is she making physical contact with me or rubbing up against me? Or are we dancing in a provocative way? Because there is always going to be the one night stands that you really never should have had the ones that are actually unforgettable and great and at the very least, fun. But then I also think that there's. [00:43:55] Speaker C: This gray area where a lot of. [00:43:57] Speaker A: People fall into the trap of I don't really want to do this, but this person's here, or I'm kind of horny or well, why not? It seems like they want me. I'll just go for it. Those are the ones that you should really consider not doing. Really reevaluate. Maybe I go home. Maybe I wait. Maybe we just kiss a little bit and touch. Or it doesn't even go there and you save that energy for someone else. [00:44:21] Speaker B: If I don't know, then you should choose no, I guess yes. [00:44:25] Speaker C: If it's not a hell yes, it's a no yes. [00:44:28] Speaker A: And this can still be good. It can still be fine. Doesn't have to have anything bad go wrong for you not to enjoy it, but it's better to make it a hell yes. [00:44:36] Speaker B: Exactly. Yeah. So we have our first thoughts about that. First conclusions. I think we could have more, but. [00:44:42] Speaker C: For now, it's a good start. [00:44:43] Speaker B: It's good. [00:44:44] Speaker C: Good. [00:44:45] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:44:45] Speaker C: Thanks for flying across the world to join us for the podcast. [00:44:51] Speaker B: You're fine. [00:44:52] Speaker C: I appreciate that. [00:44:58] Speaker A: Thanks for tuning in. You've been listening to the Closeness Podcast. If you enjoy this interaction and you're curious to know more about what Sex and Intimacy Coaching is, please visit closeness.com and friends. Whatever intimate or sexual situation you might be concerned about, or you think no one else is going through, or you don't have anyone else to talk to about it, sex and Intimacy Coaching can be the perfect jumping off place to explore your situation in a safe place without blowing up your life, without ruining your relationship, and without making some very crucial mistakes that people often make without guidance. To schedule an appointment or purchase a package of sessions Immediately, please visit calendly.com closeness or fill out an intake form at closeness.com intake thanks for listening and. [00:45:41] Speaker C: Have a great day.

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