[00:00:00] Are you ready to come closer? Let's get started. Hi, welcome back. You're listening to the Closeness podcast, and this is part two of how to know when your partner is on the way out of the relationship. When I was much younger, I grew up thinking that women and girls were the more open of the two sexes. I believe that they communicated their feelings more, their emotions more. They knew what they felt. I thought they knew what they wanted. They were certain about it. When they wanted love, they pursued it. And if they needed more love, they'd ask for it. That was my projection. And I assume men were these sort of shut down, walled up, unable to communicate, oafs who sat in silence. I don't know where I got these stereotypes from, but they've always sat with me, and I've always been shocked and amazed when I find out that at least the men I know and surround myself with are able to communicate what they're feeling, what they need, what they want, what they're going through, what's happening for them. And the women are all over the board, up and down too in their heads, too shy, unable to communicate, not sure what they want. One day they want one thing, the next day they want the next. Their mind changes hour to hour, minute to minute. It makes it really hard for a man to want to commit to something like that. Women are often worried about a man's commitment and a man's fidelity for the most part. It's like when we're in, we're in. It's not really all that complicated. But if a woman's mind is changing all the time about what she's in the mood for, if she likes you or not, what she's craving, what she wants to wear, how she's feeling, if she's having a good day or not, all these ups and downs. How on earth can a man feel confident and certain that you're going to commit to him with so much different behavior? And if you're a man or a woman who runs hot one moment and then cold the next, which, by the way, is possibly one of the worst habits and patterns that you can cultivate in your intimate relationships, what does that say in terms of someone being able to trust you? Wouldn't everybody agree that some form of trust is essential and critical in a relationship? What does that mean? If you're available and all in, and stars and fireworks and everything, one moment, and then you're a different person. You're just doing your thing, or you're cold or quiet or shut down in your world with your friends and not really responding and not really talking back or giving any kind of communication that demonstrates that you cannot be trusted. Trust is a critical, critical component to any successful relationship. Even if you're casual, even if you're just sleeping together. I will always know right away when a woman's interacting with me, if she's flighty and distant and vanishes for two to three days and then comes around, I'm just like, oop, my heart is 100% out of that. There's no way I could trust or commit to someone like that because I don't know where they truly stand. This whole concept of ghosting ties into all of this. Especially if you've seen someone once or twice, or thrice, or especially if you've had sex with someone, when someone vanishes on you, that total lack of accountability, that lack of communication, it's just not okay. And what this teaches all of us to do, it's certainly hardening all of our shells. It's certainly making us a lot more rough, a lot more less likely to trust. You're certainly, every time you don't communicate with a guy and you vanish on him, or you treat him differently, or you're colder to him, you're certainly setting him up to do that to the next girl, or to be wary of trusting the next girl, or to assume that this is how life works and this is how we're supposed to play this game. No one wants life to be a pathetic, never ending cycle of games, hurting each other. And she hurt me. So he hurt her, then she hurt him. And now everybody's hurt and sad, and everybody's hiding and everybody's protected, and no one wants to show their real selves. Wait a minute. That's the real world. We want to find these moments of openness. Why? There's really no other choice. You're either going to live a miserable existence of being unhappy, unable to communicate, shut down, closed off, or you're going to shine and keep your heart blasted open. Because open is the only way you can go through life and not be miserable for the rest of your life. Shut down, closed. Being fearful of being hurt all the time. It doesn't get you anywhere. In fact, it only makes you more miserable. Unfortunately, even if you have bad experience after bad experience, the only way to truly live an authentic, happy life is to find a way to be open and receptive to love again. I've had to learn this lesson many times. I've of course, had love make me feel so shut down, so hurt like, I would never love another woman again or even want to love another woman again. And I've had to pick myself up and be open to do it again.
[00:04:36] Now, I will add this. If you're in relationship with a woman, women need a lot of love, a lot of validation, a lot of reassurance, a lot of daily reminders, and knowing that you're moving in a direction with them, that you want to be with them and that you're choosing them. If you're in a relationship with a woman, they need this. This is like being respected for men. This is like being valued and being seen for men. If you're not giving your woman these things, I would strongly recommend and encourage you to begin that process and communicate. Ask show share. Actually, one of the best things I'd recommend if you're a man and you know this is to not ask about it, but just to start showing being a little more attentive, affectionate there and present and seeing if that makes a difference. But this episode is more specifically, again, for the sensitive men, the men who are there and are present and are trying to be good guys, and you're having a great time. Yeah, you're still having great sex, you're still in your masculine and all that, but you feel maybe a little more than the average man. This is about how to handle your emotions. So I was talking to you about being able to risk the relationship. That mindset is very powerful. On the one hand, it's sort of a fallen fantasy. It takes us out of this Disney tale that two people fall in love forevermore, only are head over heels in love with each other, can't think about anything else, would never, ever leave them. Because we are forced with a lot of behavior to have to risk the relationship because a woman, and I know a woman, you're going to agree listening to this. You don't want a wishy washy man. You don't want a man tiptoeing around you, following you around, not wanting to offend you and asking your permission for everything. Like, if they can go to the store and if they can do this or that or go play golf with their friends or have a late night out with the guys, you don't want them asking you, are you okay? Is everything all right? You seem really upset all the time. Once in a while, sure. You don't want a wishywashy man. So if you're behaving that way and he's asked you to communicate with him and you're still pulling back or withdrawing or being distant or closed off or shut down. And all of this in the beginning, we have to risk the relationship, and that's actually more sexually attractive and desirable to show that you don't need it. Not to pretend that you don't need it, not to play games like you don't need it. Not to say that you don't need it, but to authentically demonstrate, look, I've got a life. I do not need this type of drama or this lack of communication for me to be happy. And there are plenty other people in the world who are willing to do this with me. That's power and that's healthy power. And that, I think, is what is attractive masculinity. So what this means is you shouldn't even be getting to the point months into your relationship where there's this game playing, because either the man will have cut it off in the beginning and said, look, this is not happening. I don't play this way, or you will have communicated well enough to know what's going oN. I strongly recommend both men and women, you stop spending time with people who aren't willing to be accountable and communicate with you. I forget if I shared the story in another podcast. I'm sharing this because I want you to listen to how your mind makes assumptions, how you become accusatory in your assumptions. When someone ghosts or doesn't talk to another person again for no apparent reason, the mind naturally says, well, what happened? Surely there must be more to the story. Surely we're not hearing something. So pay attention to that as you hear this. So, once upon a time, I met a girl online. Very simply, we matched. We communicated via text with some very sensual and sexy messages. She invited me to her house in Los Angeles. There was really no question in either of our minds that the first thing we were going to do together was likely have really great sex. And there was nothing left to mystery. I actually find that very exciting to know what I'm getting into. So I drove up. We messaged the whole way there. Very friendly communication. I met her roommate, who she was very proud to introduce me to. We were planning on cooking together, and as expected, immediately before even cooking dinner, she took me to her room and we had really great sex. Not for a few minutes, not for 10 hours, but just a really nice time for like an hour. We cuddled an hour afterwards, she came several times. She expressed to me how much fun she was having and what a good experience it was. I'm not saying that to brag in any way, but just to be clear that there was so much great chemistry and seemingly normal communication. The quality of the interaction was really positive. We enjoyed each other tremendously. We vocalized that to each other. We communicated that clearly. And then I cooked her dinner and made, I think, asparagus or vegetables and grilled some steaks that she had spent the night together, woke up together. Everything felt perfect. The makings of a perfect love affair. Then in the morning, she walked me down to my car. We gave each other kisses goodbye. Just look how romantic we were. And then I never heard from her again.
[00:09:44] And this is dating in our generation. And what's sad is that anything, any answer, any response would have been more appropriate, more acceptable, more fulfilling than just having someone totally vanish on you and never speak to you again. Magically, you are so connected and then disconnected. Is there anything truly difficult about the following sentences? Hey, I decided I'm actually still in a relationship with my boyfriend. Oh. I actually do this all the time. And I just wanted to do it once, so I'm never going to talk to you again. Hey. I had a really terrible time after I thought about it. Even though in the moment I told you everything was wonderful. Hey, I decided to become a lesbian. And surprise. You're the last man I ever want to have sex with. Anything other than silence could have left it in a great spot. Even if we decided together for it to be a one evening thing or to not speak again. I do think when you're intimate with someone, you owe them an explanation. If you're going to share yourself with someone, you can't just vanish like that. And I want to be clear. I'm not suffering over this situation. That's not the reason I'm sharing it. I haven't given it much thought since. But I am a big fan of authentic and fair communication. And if you're going to interact on that level with someone, I do believe you owe it to them to communicate what your process is to me, at the very least, everyone's entitled to a little back and forth. Here's how I'm feeling. Here's why I don't want to continue it, or I do, and the other person can ask, why? What happened? Why don't you want to continue this? And both people can get a better understanding. And then it's done. Then it's just out in the clear. Everything is open, and there's no resentment or weirdness or frustration or anger. Why would anyone not want to choose that? You might not like it. Someone may have wanted more. The other person may Want less, but at least it's complete. Do you understand what I mean by that? When I say it's complete, it's that there isn't resentment or strong resentment or anger because both people have spoken their piece. You can just let it go. And isn't that what you want anyway? If you're one of these people who ghosts on people, isn't that what you want? To be able to have a clearing or not have to deal with it? And it's so much better to just be fair to a person and let them know where you stand. I wanted to personally share my own situation like that. So you hear that? It happens to me too. It happens to all of us. I can't begin to tell you. I've heard this a million times from men and women too. What does it look like if you don't do it that way? Well, let's pick up my story where we left it. In my mind, I am driving away feeling great and wonderful, thinking that everything is peachy. I'm thinking this is something that might continue once in a while. It was light and easy and fun and nice to know someone in LA to do that with. So naturally, as I like to do out of consideration instead of just disappearing for the rest of the day. I sent a message a little later on that evening to say, had a wonderful time. Looking forward to seeing you again. Several hours go by and you guessed it. No reply. There we go. The cycle starts with guesses, assumptions, judgments. Is she sleeping? Did she get it? Is she ignoring me? I'll just let it be till tomorrow. And right here. Sure enough, this is a perfect example of how that false sense of neediness gets established in someone's natural propensity to get together again, to see how the person is, to check in, to say they had a nice time. As you start to send more and more responses, it creates more and more of a problem because the other person isn't responding, but it feels like something you're doing is the issue and this is wrong. Next morning rolls. Hmm. Well, we know it's not likely that she lost her phone or that her battery died and no one had a charger or a plug or a phone charger or an extra battery pack or an Apple Store nearby. For me, I went on with my life and I'm sure a lot of us are used to doing things that way. We just move on. But then as you are scrolling through your messages, you realize, oh, I haven't heard back from this girl. What's going on? Was she asleep? Did she have to work in the morning? Did someone else come over after I left? So now where are we in the puzzle? Do we send another message? The message I would want to send is, Oof, that was so hot. So fun thinking about you. Very simple. No expectations, just letting you know. But when you haven't heard back from someone, that's when this transference of negative emotion begins to kick in. We're spending a lot of time on this because I've heard it from so many people, and so many clients have shared this type of pain with me. So it's just really important that you know it's not your fault. We tell ourselves all these stories and this whole process about what must be happening in their head because we don't want to be too needy. What am I going to say? Hey, did you get my message after knowing her once? Of course you got my message. That's a great tip for people who want to know when that moment is. When that switch happens. When you go from everything working out really well to you questioning what's going on, is when your vocabulary, the way you want to ask things, switches. When you start wanting to say, am I going to hear back from you? Do we have plans? What's going on? Did you get my message? When you start having those thoughts, there's something wrong. In the beginning. When you first start dating someone or sleeping with that person, both people should be able to ask the other person questions without fear of losing the whole thing, having the whole thing blow up, or having one person judge the other person harshly because they asked a couple of questions to understand what was happening in the other person's head. That's what communication is about. As we're starting to send messages and follow up, it's dawning on us that the other person's treating us horribly. And this gets stretched out over days, weeks, and sometimes months with people because some people will even respond to these messages and not even say what they're meaning. So to continue with the story I was sharing, what might I do? Send a message the next day to see how she's doing, see what she's up to, maybe give her a call. And that's what I did. A couple more texts and one nice phone call with a voicemail saying, hey, we should get together again this weekend. With no response, you quickly begin to realize, this is not what I thought it was. Even if it was nothing. Even if she was just going to be a lover or someone who I slept with two 3510 times, which also would have been fine. I don't think either of us were planning on pursuing a relationship out of it. But the big point about all of this is, why do we need to suffer unnecessarily when all someone has to do is speak a sentence, when all they have to do is answer their phone and have a little conversation? But no, our default behavior as humans, we like to drag it on. We can't be honest with ourselves. We can't be honest with other people. And this alone is what creates so much mistrust, so much fear, and so much suffering in the world. If you're more of a disagreeable person, you're probably having bells and whistles going off in your head saying, why is this person investing so much energy in this one person? Or just have a tough skin or just move on and let it go. Yeah, sure, a tough skin and a thick skin is necessary in today's world. It's something that's worth cultivating. But if all we're doing is moving on to the next, the next, the next, the next better thing, the next good looking girl or guy, something that we think is better, oh, we had a problem, so now we got to run away from it. We're never experiencing what we're meant to. I imagine if you're someone who is new to dating again, or you're just getting back in or you're just out of a relationship, you've got to know that things like this are going to happen. They're bound to happen. And this is the new way of dating in today's society. So I wanted to share that very vulnerable story with you because it has the possibility to make you feel as a man or a woman that there's something wrong with you. And how can that be if the other person is not willing to communicate? Whatever their silly truth is, people's silence, people's inability to communicate, is masking their pain, their fear, their inability to share with you what's real, alive and active for them. And in that silence, it makes you feel pain, guilt. Am I not good enough? Do they not like me? What's going on? And you don't have to feel those emotions. It's always about the other person until the other person is able to communicate with you and let you know. And even then, half the time, it's their own stuff going on in their head about sometimes it's worthiness. And if they're worthy of you, sometimes, absolutely, they're just not that into you, and they don't know how to say that. Maybe someone was just horny one night, so they just wanted to have sex with you. And everybody has a hard time admitting that maybe they were cheating on you with their boyfriend or husband. And so this was just a little indiscretion they had when you were out of town. So many things can be their truth that don't have to do with you if you showed up as an authentically good and caring person. So you've got to give yourself some space. If no one tolerated low class behavior, not from this egocentric place of I'm a king or a queen, or a prince, or a god, or a goddess and all of this nonsense and fluff, but from an authentic place of not tolerating poor behavior, all of the low class people would go to a little corner of the planet and be crappy with themselves and work their stuff out over there. The rest of us who were in an authentic, love based, heart centered state of mind, would live much happier lives. But it takes real communication and the willingness to be vulnerable. Anything that we're hurting about, anything that we're angry about, means that we're missing something in our lives. We're hurting about it. We need more of it. We need to be understood or validated, or heard. And the best gift we can give someone that we care about, whether we're bumping into someone new on a daily basis, or this is an intimate relationship that we're involved in, or it's someone that we're in love with, is communication and the ability to listen to what's important to them and to ask key questions, to figure out what the other person needs. This is a topic that certainly is going to spawn many more questions and many more follow up episodes, dissecting it deeper and further. But look, you can sometimes feel like you do everything right, or you feel like you're doing your best. We can always do better. We can always learn how to read into the signs, pick up the body language, and there's going to be plenty of episodes on that, on how to really tune in and to deep listen. But that's not our obligation or our responsibility exclusively. It comes from both people. And if someone's not willing to communicate with you, or someone is only with you and nice when they're with you, but you never hear from them when they're not, they've usually got something else going on. They're either checking out, they're on the way out, they're thinking of leaving the relationship and don't know how to tell you or don't want to hurt you or something for them just isn't right, and they don't know how to tell you. One of the ways you can truly be a man, truly give the gift of your masculine presence, is to say, look, I feel you. I feel like you've got 1ft out the door when we're not together, what's going on with you, what's true for you, and see if your partner is willing to speak their truth. The deeper that I explore these subjects, the more I find that it's extremely difficult to articulate what we are doing as a culture because we are so embedded in it. We are so entrenched in how we're used to treating other people, in what Our default behavior is. And when it happens by default, it's very difficult to call it out. Because if your entire world is inside a fishbowl and you have no idea what's outside of it, how can you speak about what's outside of it? And that's what so many of these closeness episodes are all about, is seeing the unseen and the unseen. And the unspoken is people, men, women, all over the world, all over the universe, don't say how they're feeling, or you don't know how you're feeling. And for God's sake, you tell all your girlfriends, oh, I don't know what to do. I'm feeling this. I'm feeling that. I think I want to break up. But I don't know the response that every friend listening to someone who hears stuff like that is. Well, did you tell them? Did you sit down and say it? Did you have a conversation with the person? Oh, I can't. I don't know how they're going to respond. You have to express it. And then the obligation of the person listening. No one wants to be broken up with. No one wants to be the person hearing that they're not desirable anymore and the other person is leaving. We always feel so much more powerful when it's us. And that one thing alone is what keeps people from, I think, listening and hearing and being receptive. But if someone has that conversation with you, it falls on you to hear it as best you can. And understand that it's not just exclusively you. If you really look at it, there's probably problems that neither of you are thrilled about in the relationship, and one person is just taking action first. Of course, this is a whole other subject on how to communicate. But if someone sits you down and tells you, look, I've got this, this and this issue. It's making me feel like I'm going to lose you, or that I'm going to wind up breaking up with you if it doesn't change. Instead of getting defensive or angry, which might be your first response, the important thing to discover is, do both people want to stay together? Or is one person using these problems as an excuse to step out the door? IF that's what they're doing, then you should really make way, because you don't want to be with someone who's always got 1ft out the door, or who isn't sure, or who isn't 100% into being with you. This episode has really been about avoiding the long, terrible process when someone thinks or knows the Relationship should be coming to an end, but it's not getting Communicated. Some people have the personality type that just want to keep what's working working. We like the status quo. If things are going well, let them be. Other personality types may find themselves always feeling, what is this? Is it really right for me? I don't know. We can feel that wishywashiness, that indecisiveness, your inability to put your foot down or decide something specific. And so we just try to do the best we can to make it wonderful for you. But if you're not lined up with it, if you're not 100% in, then it's really not worth. It's painful for everybody and you should bring it to an end Much quicker. It's especially true for men, where even if we know something is going to come to an End, we still say it's working great. Let's continue to have great sex. LEt's continue to Cuddle. Let's continue to have overnighters and breakfasts in the morning and do fun things. Women always seem to be thinking, I'm going to get hurt. I'm going to get hurt. I'm going to get hurt. Red LigHt, red light, red light. I got to get OUt of this. Eject. Eject. And that panic is really, really stressful for both people. That fear of being hurt, it's two different philosophies. My philosophy is, if I'm 100 years old and about to slowly drift off, I would like to look back on my life and think, I'm so glad I savored every moment I could with that girl. And women seem to be big proponents of LEt Me cut Off every single great moment that I possibly can and sever it immediately, because this is going to be Very painful in the End And I don't want to feel any pain.
[00:24:47] And I've almost Made it my mission with women that I've been with. I'm like, look, we do love each oTher. We do care for each other. Let's continue to keep it as wonderful as we can as long as we can, if we're both invested in it. Yes, maybe you're moving to Paris, or maybe I'm taking on a work position that's going to break us apart, and that is going to suck. But I'd rather get in every wonderful moment with you that I could. I recognize that's a difference of principle and philosophy for some, but to me, that's what closeness is all about. Breakups are horrible. They are never easy. And my heart goes out to every man and woman who has gone through one or is going through one now, and especially to those who feel like they're going to lose someone, have lost someone, are about to lose someone, or are uncertain in their relationship where it's going next. It's painful. And frankly, I think most of us are on the verge of tears at any moment if we're honest with ourselves, with the relationships that we're in because of all that uncertainty. And I think it can really be cleared up with a few sincere conversations, really taking what you hear here, the words communicate and saying, I feel this. How do you feel? Do you feel this way about me being able to hear? Does someone still love you the way they once did? Does someone still care about you and want the same things we thought we once did? Are you in this relationship because it just happened to be something that worked or because you're really into this person? Hard choices need to be made. We're at a time in this universe, on earth, whatever you want to call it, where momentum and energy is moving so quickly, you get spit out right away if you're doing things for the wrong reasons, if you're just staying in a relationship by default, there's a lot of energy around lining up with your true purpose, your true desires, your true love. It's very difficult to maintain something that doesn't have integrity these days. What an emotional episode. I hope you got a lot out of it. If you think that this type of work belongs on the Ellen show or on television or on a radio program, please first and foremost subscribe and then share it. Tell your friends about it. Let people know. Spread the word. Let's get more people into the world of what we were really born to do, which was experience more closeness. Thank you for listening. We hope you've enjoyed this immensely. You can learn more about the closeness, lifestyle and movement by visiting getcloseness.com if you've been touched by what you've heard here today, or if the Closeness podcast has inspired you to make a positive change in your life, please consider contributing to our
[email protected] Closeness if listening has inspired you to get your own questions answered on an upcoming episode, or if you'd like personal or couples coaching, you can find what your looking for on any of the closeness websites. All of these links can be found in the description. Until next time, stay close.
