[00:00:00] Welcome to the Closeness podcast, your new sexual Education. We take complex intimate issues and break them down into something you can actually do something with. We'll teach you how to have, in no uncertain terms, better, hotter sex. If you haven't already, please subscribe to the Closeness podcast on the platform in which you're listening to us. And if you'd like to subscribe to us on YouTube, please join us at Forward slash Closeness. If this work has made a measurable difference in your life, you can donate to our Venmo at Closeness or join us on Patreon at Forward Slash Closeness. Now, are you ready to come closer? Let's get started.
[00:00:39] Hello and welcome back to another edition of Closeness. I'm your host, Tari, and this episode is about understanding what it means when a woman tells you that she just wants to see where this is going. We're talking about that OD, but very common moment when a woman hasn't revealed her feelings to the man she loves or likes, but she's not allowing herself to be single either. She has, even without words, given you monogamy. And so there are three players in this game. There are the suitors who are continuing to pursue her. There's herself, her own thoughts, feelings, and emotions, and how she's going to navigate all of that. And then there's the man who may or may not know that she has these feelings for him already.
[00:01:20] So we're going to talk a lot about intentions. We're going to talk about what it means to claim your woman. And we're also going to talk about the dark shadow side of this, which is if you're a man who isn't actually interested in this woman and she's holding out for you, or hoping things are going to get better, or hoping that they're going to move into something more like a committed, monogamous relationship.
[00:01:40] Finally, we're also going to learn how you'll know if she's into you. And we're going to discuss what I feel is your moral obligation to your partner when you guys are interacting intimately. Let's get things started with a question that I know almost every woman is going to ask right off the bat. So I won't wait 45 minutes to tell you. How do you know if a man is interested in you or not? Later on in the episode, we're going to discuss how a man can tell if you're interested in him. And I would say many of the same things apply. I would say it has a lot to do with interest, attention, frequency of hearing from him and active involvement and not simply doing sexual things. So not just inviting you over for a movie and sleeping over, not just calling you late at night, not just sending you a WhatsApp or Hey. Text message or letting you know that he was thinking about you here and there, but something that goes beyond, I would say, and also speaking from personal experience, if he's setting up dates, creating experiences for you, sharing more of himself, basically demonstrating that he's investing. Now, by the way, there's absolutely nothing wrong with going over and having great sex and having that. Be that. If that's something you both enjoy and you're comfortable with it. That's certainly part of getting to know someone. That's what's there. You're going to get to know someone far better after having ten minutes of really present intimacy with them than you ever will having an hour conversation about idle chitchat and small talk. And sometimes it can get really muddy because a guy can be really nice but not particularly interested. I happen to be someone like that who I know I'm a very nice person. I'm kind by nature. It's not in my nature to just be rude or cruel or mean or distant or cold. Just because I'm not interested in someone and I don't have a problem being. It doesn't take effort for me to be nice and kind. And so sometimes women will find that confusing because they think the behavior doesn't match up. If you're not interested, you should sort of show that. I think other more legitimate ways for a man to show he's interested, especially if it's been a little while, is wanting to introduce you to his friends, spend time with his friends, possibly even meet his family. And especially this one. You find yourselves in situations where you're not alone, just the two of you. It's not a big deal if you bump into his roommate. It's not a problem if you're seen out in public somewhere. A lot of guys will try and keep the person they're having sex with very private. But right now, let's dive into the next part, which is this moment we've been speaking about when a woman flips a switch in her mind and decides to make herself consciously or unconsciously monogamous, even though she may never even speak those words to you. So she's saying, I just want to see where this is going. I haven't told this guy my feelings yet. I don't want to mess it up by involving myself with anyone else. So I'm just going to kind of ride it out and see what he does. Which, by the way, just that act in itself can be really difficult for women. Because you have it in your nature to be a little passive, a little more submissive. And a little more not wanting to rock the boat. And so in your desire to see where it's going without speaking your own feelings, not willing to risk rejection, not willing to risk the relationship. Not willing to put yourself out there before he does. You often can open yourself up to a world of hurt, such as being totally disappointed. Or him having no idea, or him not realizing this and thinking it's something casual. So he continues to date other people anyway. The interesting thing about a woman wanting to see where it's going. Is that often the man will have no idea that this is what's happening. Even though she'll know it. And even her other girlfriends will know it, and her suitors will know it as well. So let me give you an example of what I mean. Let's say two people have just started dating. And at some point you've made some memorable moments together. You've either had really great sex, you've been extremely intimate. Or you've shared some sort of heartfelt experience with each other. But what you haven't done is exchange words such as, I really like you. I like where this is going. I want to be with you. I want you to be my girlfriend or boyfriend. I want to date you. I want you to be my partner. Well, one of the things that I actually highly esteem about women. Is their ability to go into this mode, this sort of relationship or nesting phase. They've convinced themselves in their mind, for whatever reason, valid or not, that something is happening here, something's unfurling or in the process of becoming. And even though they've just started experiencing this with you. And they're completely free to do whatever it is they want to do, they don't want to ruin it by dating someone else or starting something new. At least until they know where this is going. Let's begin to explore this episode from the point of view of one of the most distant people in this interaction, which would be a random suitor. Someone who is taking interest in the girl who you're seeing. Or, ladies, if you're listening, it's these random guys who want to be with you, date you, or sleep with you, but you've got your intentions on one person. If you're a man or woman who's a suitor and she's already interested in someone else. This actually does not work well for you at all. And it may seem like that goes without saying, but it requires a little explanation. It's actually one of the worst times you can really make your intentions known. Like, give me a call if it doesn't work out, or if things don't work out with him, hit me up. It's not a good time to continue to flirt with her or hit on her or continue to try to get together with her because she's already mentally switched into this mode where she is pretty much unavailable, even though, technically speaking, she's available. So it could be a little confusing. Furthermore, what does pressuring or pushing actually do? When she's set a boundary? She's established that she wants to pursue something else and see where it's going. And yet, this is where men often try to buck the system. They try to justify themselves or always slip right in there by asking questions like, well, where's your boyfriend now? And why isn't he here with us? If I was with you, I'd never leave your side. And they'll try all these little tricks to sort of defame this unknown potential boyfriend, which is actually a really ugly thing to do. It makes the person doing it not look attractive, but men continue to do it.
[00:07:56] When men pursue women, they often have no problem lying, exaggerating, stretching the truth, throwing someone who they don't even know under the bus, all for the possibility of sex with a new partner or getting to know them. So the first part of all this is, if you're an active suitor, just back up. If you want to be there for as a friend, or you guys hang out from time to time, so be it. Or you can certainly once let her know that you'd love to date her sometime, but you want to step back from all of the pushing and aggressing. Now, what's going on in the woman's side is very interesting because psychologically, she's hoping for it to work out with her new partner. But often none of this has been conveyed. And she has absolutely no idea, more often than not, what her potential partner's intentions are, how he feels about her, and what he's going to do with her, or where he's going to take the relationship. Often, here are all the things she doesn't know, while wanting to see where this is going and hoping that it's going to turn into something she likes.
[00:09:00] She doesn't know the way he feels, she doesn't know where he stands. If he's been clear, if he's having sex with other women, if he wants to date only her, if he's considering her just a lay or it's something casual for him, she could have no idea if he's lying to her, if he has promised her the world, but really just wants to have sex. She doesn't know if he's currently dating other people or if he just got out of a relationship. Now, to be fair, in many cases this is normal because when you begin interacting with anyone, it's not often easy to share what your intentions are or what you even want. Why? Because iT's super vulnerable and it's the very beginning. And when you're first starting to spend time with one another and get to know each other, most people don't even know what they want. They're figuring it out as they go. You're feeling into it. So this is normal for both sides. It's not common that people have sex once, twice, or thrice and dive into a committed, monogamous relationship. And so often what happens is we play this game of not wanting to show our cards first, not wanting to be the first person to get emotional or be emotional, just like people don't often want to be the first to say, I love you.
[00:10:10] For most of us, it's too difficult to put our own emotions on the table, to be vulnerable, or to even be able to articulate them and say something like, hey, I really like you. I like where this is going, and I want you to be my girlfriend.
[00:10:23] There's a very important name for this. When you tell someone, I want you, I'm choosing you. It's called claiming them. But in the very beginning stages of enjoying time with someone, it's understandable and healthy to not want to say, look, I'm claiming you. We've made out once or we've hung out a couple of times, I want you to be mine.
[00:10:45] But if you are really vibing well with someone, you've been intimate a few times and you feel like there's a really good connection, you're enjoying quality time, you have an energetic there that's really working for you. Well, then claiming is a wonderful thing to do. And when I say that, I don't mean ownership and I don't mean she's going to be yours whether she likes it or not. But I'm saying taking a stance and being decisive and saying, I know what I want, you're it, and I want you to be with me. It's very powerful. And so when a woman feels the same, I think that's one of the most attractive things in the world. That's sort of the fairy tale that everyone envisions is that a man and a woman meet. He's the perfect combination of really into her, but not too clingy or needy, but super devotional. He's in love. He claims her. And Ugh, she loves it. She's in love too. It's what she's always been wanting to hear. And off they go together into the sunset, just like Ariel and Eric, until they call me for intimacy coaching three months later.
[00:11:42] So all of this is going to work out very well for the couple where the man is invested and he's super interested in her and she has flipped her switch and she's waiting to see where it's going. He claims her. There's a possibility for a great start. Now, also, to be clear, and because of the time we live in, a woman can certainly claim a man. A woman may not want to be claimed at all and find that to be very old fashioned. A woman can claim a woman, and obviously a man can claim a man. And there's certainly no need for a woman to ever wait around waiting to be claimed. She can take action herself. But for all intents and purposes, generally speaking, many women will find it very attractive when a man is decisive like that and not indecisive when he knows what he wants versus going for her because she's there, or going for her because she's kind of cute. Going for her because he hasn't had sex in ages? Going for her because he wants to practice for bigger game?
[00:12:36] All of this talk about intentions and claiming begs another question. If monogamy is something that you want, where exactly does it begin?
[00:12:45] Does it begin before you've ever met someone? The moment that you've met them, or once you have a conversation that takes things to the next level, does it begin once you've decided in your mind to be faithful but you haven't communicated that to them at all? At what point do you give your partner monogamy and start sharing that with them? And is it something that's even communicated for me? I want to suggest that once you've lodged yourself into her mind, you've penetrated her with your gaze, you're present with her, she's into you. Once you've slept together or had really good connected sex, something begins to change in her, and for many women, they begin to become yours. And of course, I'm not going to be giving disclaimers all day here, but there are many women who behave more like men who do not get emotionally involved or emotionally attached when they have sex, it's something completely separate. They can turn that emotion switch off. And certainly there are many men who, upon having sex with a woman once, want to dive immediately into a new relationship. Nevertheless, if as a man, you can pick up on this and you're interested in the woman who you're with, you start sensing that she is sort of closing up other options, that she's very responsive and interested in you. You begin to notice things like her receptivity for your calls. It's easy to get together with her. She doesn't blow you off. She's not always busy. She makes herself available. She finds time to see you. She finds your jokes funny. She doesn't respond with her physical location when you ask her out. And of course you get super fast replies to her text messages. Well, this is all wonderful, and if you want to move things forward, it's the perfect time to do so. If you're noticing all these things, I would go so far as to say it's your responsibility, your duty, your obligation to take it one way or the other. To not keep her in limbo, to not sit at a crossroads, to not be indecisive, to not hold on, because she is much more susceptible to her emotions in many cases than you are. And while you might enjoy dating or sleeping together for the next two years without making any decisions or commitments, that's usually not going to work out very well for her.
[00:14:54] But if you're not really into her, if you don't want to take it to the next level, if you don't see her as your girlfriend, you don't want to claim her. You don't see yourself spending a life, or at least part of a life or a season together. Then it really is in both of your best interests for you to get out of that relationship as quickly as possible, but as tastefully, respectfully, with tact, as elegantly, as cleanly as possible, without being rude, cold, or ghosting, there should be a lot of care around it, because already you're going to hurt somebody.
[00:15:29] So to say this again in a different way, it's my firm belief that we have a moral obligation to be the custodian of our partner's heart, no matter how long or short we've known them, once we've become intimate. And you could define intimacy how you'd like, but for me it includes sex, oral sex, kissing, cuddling, touching, or a repeated amount of quality time together, or even peak life experiences together. Emotional connections. If you know that it wants to move in that direction. We've got this huge responsibility, and it's a little bit like playing with fire because so many of these stories that women often share about them getting hurt, and they go on and on about, he's such a narcissist and only looking out for himself, and he never cared about me. I gave so much and I never got enough back. To me, all of that deals with a woman who is constantly investing into a man who is not investing in her. And how nice would it be if rather than all of the epithets and insults and freaking out and worry and concern and complaining that he's not who you want him to be? How about taking some responsibility for yourself and realizing that he may just not be all that into you and that's okay. It might be a blow to the ego, but better to know that as early as possible than to go through an entire relationship or marriage or have children or stay together with someone for a long time and have the whole thing end poorly.
[00:16:54] But let's come back to exploring the idea of both parties being interested. She hasn't told him her feelings, but she wants it to go somewhere, and he wants it to go somewhere, too. This is where things get really juicy and interesting. Because once a woman begins to open herself up to you and she starts yielding to you, allowing you to enjoy her and do things with her and to her that are very special, sacred or private, this could be sexual. It could again just be intimacy. Or it could be going to some places that are very near and dear to her, this begins the process of opening her and opening up her heart. Later in the episode, we're going to talk about all the wonderful, positive aspects of this. But for now, I want to talk about the shadow side of it. If you find yourself regularly not cherishing your time with her, if you don't honor and respect her, if you keep messing up or you take it too lightly, or you just don't care all that much, just like that light switch was flipped on for you, it can just as easily be flipped off as well. And you'll notice a very, very specific change in her behavior. You will have gone from getting all the attention in the world, her total availability, her total receptivity, and all of that feels really, really good. I mean, both men and women, all of us, we love having someone else's attention on us when we like them and we are attracted to them. But now, if you drag your heels long enough and some women can sit in this for a year, two or three or four or more. Sometimes it's only a matter of months, but you'll begin to see this change where a little bit of resentment begins building. You agitate her or piss her off easily. Suddenly, very small little things are bothersome and are questionable. Maybe she begins suddenly to pick you apart, and that could be silently with her friends, or it could be directly to you. Maybe she brings up your weight or something about your face, your teeth, your eyes, your breath, the way you dress, the way you talk to people, the way you breathe. In some, she begins to get very hypercritical, and it's not right. It's not okay. Certainly not attractive on her part either. Yet this is what happens. But in some, you'll notice a big change in the amount of care and receptivity that she gives you. It's less or it's gone altogether, or she has turned off completely, or she just gets annoyed. So this is really dangerous territory. And as we've spoken about in other episodes, it's one of the telltale signs to know if a woman is out the door, she's on her way out. She's going to be leaving because the behavior has suddenly changed. And most people don't take note of this. They don't like the behavior, they're not a fan of it, but they don't have the realization that says, ooh, these are the red flags. These are the warning signs. This is what precipitates cris. Depending on how severe this gets, it may or may not be repairable. When you do find yourself, however, in that love space, when you are vibing, when you've got great chemistry and things are good, it's a really sacred and special bond, and I think both partners have to work particularly hard to keep it active. There's something almost ignorant and naive in many of our minds that says once we have that bond, it should just last forever. Someone you've never known before in your entire life, you meet them, and after a few months of interacting together, a bond should be there that is unbreakable and unshakable. And often people assume this should be there without putting any additional effort in just by showing up or thinking that their presence or their hotness or the fact that they're alive is enough. All the chemistry should be there, the love should be there. Great sex, perfect communication. Thanks to romanticism, we think we can meet someone once and the rest of our entire lives will be a perfect celebration of happiness and great sex to boot. But as we all know, life is just not this way. Unfortunately, on the Closeness podcast we speak a lot about caring for a woman and opening her and adoring her, loving her, ravishing her, pleasuring her, taking to her edge and making her spill over all of these delicious things. But despite all of that, it's really important to know. I never think there should be an imbalance of power within the relationship. It doesn't make one person better than the other. It doesn't make one person deserve something more than the other. I really am into relationships where it's give and take. It's not just a man working hard to please or pleasure a woman, it's his job to do that, or vice versa. In that sense, I am a strong believer in the equality of sexual dynamics. They just don't have to happen at the exact same time or moment. It's a really special feeling when a man can feel cared for as well, and not just in that nurturing, maternal way, but also as a partner and sexual partner.
[00:21:36] What are some ways then that women can give back or show up for their partner? By bringing small gifts, by bearing fruit, twigs and berries, by preparing a delicious meal or a special picnic. It could be making yourself look a certain way that he might like or appreciate. Whether it's straightening your hair or curling it, wearing heels or not, wearing sundresses or mini skirts or something of that nature that really excites him. Being open or experimental to trying some things he's wanted to try with you sexually if you in fact enjoy doing them. Engaging in some of the sexual activities that you know he loves once in a while, taking care of the bill yourself, planning a special day around things that he enjoys doing. Giving him the space to do and enjoy the things that he wants to do. Not nagging him all the time with things that need to be repaired or fixed around the house, not needing attention all the time by texting nonstop 50, 60 times a day, not being bothered by his lifestyle or the hobies that excite him that you don't care about so much. All of those things can be really wonderful because especially for a giving man, it's very easy to get carried away with. I got to please the girl, I got to please the girl. I got to make her come, got to make her happy, got to take care of her, got to take her to all these places. And both people forget that someone else is in that relationship too. So this is especially applicable if you're already giving by nature. It's not so much for the person who's selfish and who's a taker and the guy who's coming in two minutes every time he has sex. Because orgasm is his goal. Men are not put here to please women, and women are not put here to please men. Both sexes deserve to be cherished and to feel and know your own pleasure. It's really important to have a partner or make sure your relationship is set up in a way where one person doesn't just take and take and take and take. Because it's extremely easy to fall into that trap. The person who has the most drama, and almost always the person who has the most trauma, the person who feels the most. Sometimes vulnerable or needy, or who wants the most attention, or who demands it. Sometimes by default, that happens to be a woman, and sometimes it's the guy. But energy, vampireism is a very real thing, whether people realize they do it or not. Often people who give too much. That energy reminds me of a faucet that's always on and draining out energy. So if you're a woman, that could be your love, or your sexual energy, or your attention that you're giving to someone. If you're a man, it could be your financial resources that you're always paying, or your constant attention to pleasing her. And so having awareness around turning the faucet off once in a while, if you're not getting back, or allowing yourself to receive back, those things can make a big difference. The idea is to give and take, give and take, give and take. Interestingly, though, it takes one to be taken by one. We can't always blame someone for taking, taking.
[00:24:24] If we, ourselves, or our partner are giving, giving relentlessly, and they don't stop and they don't want to receive, or they can't receive, or they feel weird when they receive. Or both people feel weird when they receive. Now we got a problem. So it's important to know when your partner is already all in. So often people in relationship feel as though they need to prove something to the other person.
[00:24:52] That they're never quite good enough, that they were raised to be humble, to not take too much. Or maybe sex was an awkward thing or a shameful thing. And so they should just give, give, give, give of themselves. And this is such a fatal mistake. Couples can feel like they need to prove their worth or worthiness to one another, or simply show their partner all the time how much they love them and how much they adore them. In many instances. This is beautiful. It's a wonderful way to keep love alive year after year. However, there are some people who don't need to hear about all of that, especially if you're a man interacting with a woman. They just need to be shown that less talking about it, more doing.
[00:25:33] So. With all those nice educational disclaimers behind us, let's dive right back in now to just seeing where this is going. If you're a suitor and a woman tells you that she wants to see where something is going with another man who she's seeing, it's often very smart and wise to simply back off and allow that process to happen. But you as a suitor may begin to notice some new receptivity in her once that switch flips back to being single. If she's trying, trying and waiting, waiting, waiting, or is really trying to get involved with someone fast and things aren't happening, you might notice that suddenly the person who had boundaries and didn't want to see you and told you not to call them for a while and said, hey, I'm really not interested. I'm just trying to see where this is going. Suddenly she comes sniffing around again. Hey. Hey. That's usually the indicator. Hey, what's up? What are you doing? How have you been? I haven't talked to you in so long. These very, very mild initiations approaches again, dipping her pinky toe into the well of potential rejection to see what's going on with you. This is usually indicative of her current relationship, if we can even call it that, not going as well as she had hoped it would. Or maybe the man didn't have the same level of interest in her, or they're not going to pursue something together. And this is very fascinating because it sort of teases out this idea that people, in fact often women, will almost always have someone on the back burner just in case, though it happens. It's actually pretty rare for a woman to stay eternally single for a long period of time, especially if she's in high demand, especially if people consider her to be very beautiful or desirable. It always seems like it's just a matter of moments before she's swept back up in the game. And you might have been the guy who she left and then quickly wound up with someone else, or you might have been the guy who she goes for, often known as a rebound, or a rebound of a rebound of a rebound. But the idea is that much like a monkey who swings branch to branch and is always holding on to one before it lets go of another. So often women are preparing for their next relationship, often before the first one is even over or has become a total disaster. It's like making sure they're always going to be okay, which unfortunately to me often leads to very little processing time. Very little time to be with herself and grow, very little time to grieve and suffer. And whether the relationship is short lived or long term, this type of stuff just requires time. Not a day, not a week, not a month. Sometimes you receive news from someone and you need a few days just to process what someone says to you. Well, when emotional pain is involved or you're losing someone who you care about very much, it takes a lot longer. I've often experienced some of this personally where I might not have been pursuing someone, but she's been very warm and friendly and affectionate towards me over the years. Super intimate. She might make flirty comments, she might be super sexual even. And then one day it just shuts off like a switch. Suddenly the pet names are gone. And again, not even talking about a relationship here or someone I'm really involved with. But the kindness, the sweetness, the responsiveness. Sometimes I've even seen someone go from really loving and friendly to really rude, cold, and distant without any explanation whatsoever. Maybe I was in some ways considered a potential mate for her and didn't take action on it, even if we weren't necessarily dating or sleeping together. But my experience of it is abrupt and painful. Makes me wonder what happened. Even if we were never going to pursue something and this new behavior ensues, it always feels like there's a big wall that kind of comes up or has to be established. And women will often do this when they step into something new with someone else so that they don't blur their own boundaries or they just establish healthy ones. Sometimes women aren't even open to continuing a friendship with you or any type of interaction because they now have a boyfriend or a husband, and because of their definition of boyfriend or husband, or their boyfriend or husband's definition of who they should be. This often eliminates the ability to have friends of the opposite sex. And most guys will tell you that, oh, I know how men think. Most men and women can't be friends. I even do an episode on this. But you better believe if that encounter that she started with the new guy comes to an end, if they break it off, if it's not what she thought it was, or she gets hurt, well, guess whose behavior switches. And guess who comes sniffing around again with the same friendliness and receptivity of seeing what you're up to and seeing if you want to hang out. It's very much like a hungry cat. If a cat is very well fed, it doesn't need anything from you. It's very independent, very coy. But the moment it's hungry, oh, suddenly the tail is Twitter painting, suddenly there's purrrs, there's sensuality, there's eye contact. It's very, very obvious once you know to look for it. And women do this all the time. And for us men, this is a really interesting dance. How do we navigate this idea of leading? There's really an art to doing it. And when you see me talk about in future episodes and previous ones about deep listening, that's what that art is all about. It's not that we're leading, leading, leading and controlling everything. We're actually not controlling anything. We are creating the container and the space for her to dance within it. But she is making her own choices and decisions. Sometimes when a man is pursuing a woman, he doesn't know when to stop. What's the difference between leading and pursuing? And then not knowing when to stop, not knowing when it's too much. Well, if you're practicing closeness, deep listening, you're paying attention to all of their body's cues, all of the signals she's putting out, and all of the nonverbals as well. You don't want to wear a person down through constantly asking or begging or trying over and over again, or thinking that you're going to get a different response when she's told you no five times. You don't ever want to convince someone to say yes or give in to you in surrender. That's not really a healthy way to enjoy someone, not if they're genuinely not interested in you. Now, again, some women love to be coy. They enjoy this process of being won over. Some women enjoy this idea of a man trying extra hard, and she didn't like him at first, and suddenly it changed a little bit. All of these reasons give understanding to the man who constantly tries and tries and quote unquote, doesn't get it, because some women enjoy being pursued like that. So if you can tell that there's interest from the woman, there's chemistry you want to explore, you can feel those vibes from her, but it's not time yet. Let it marinade. Because in very short order, you might find that things work out very well for you if they don't work out with the other guy. And if they don't, then you also have time to get to know this person as a friend and as an acquaintance and see if that's really a path you want to go down anyway.
[00:32:11] Now, a word of caution for women who are givers or give too much and women who are takers, you just plug your ears. It's important to have awareness around how a person is actually treating you. How are they using their own power with you or over you, and what's going on with you emotionally? Because once you're really turned on by a man, especially if you've had really hot sex or he's made you come like no one else, you start to get that feeling on the inside. You notice, you begin to defer to him and give yourself over to him. It's really also important to be sensitive and keenly aware of how he's responding and reacting towards you and other women. Said bluntly, does he give a damn? Does he notice you? Does he care? Does he notice that you did your eyeshadow in his favorite color? Or wore a pair of panties that are super sexy to him, or put something on that you know he likes? Or wore a scent that really is intoxicating for him? Or didn't wear a scent because you know he can't stand the smell of strong perfume? Or are you just moving along through some Netflix and chill? Yeah, we're gonna go to this bar tonight. Yeah, just come over and hang out. You're there, I'm here. Might as well do it. Is he just enjoying time together the way he would with anybody? Or is something starting to shift where you're noticing his appreciation of you? He's taken notice of you. Every man wants to have sex with you. Yes, that's usually true. That's different from someone who's beginning to care for you or starting to invest in you.
[00:33:39] A very interesting question to think about is, has he noticed the monogamy that you're giving to him without having even asked for it? It doesn't mean you have to jump into a committed, monogamous relationship and tie it all up right here. But what it does mean is you begin to have authentic, caring, heartfelt, loving experiences that create closeness between the two of you. Real intimacy. In fact, it's always been my take that no matter what happens in a relationship or an interaction, because all interactions are some form of relationship, if I've been the best man I can be, and a woman has given herself to me the most that she's able to, and then it doesn't work out or we break up, well, that's really okay, because we've fully experienced each other. I believe that we come into each other's lives during different times and places and spaces, when we're in different moods, when our body needs different things. Sometimes it's time for a summer fling. Sometimes it's time for a long, long relationship. Sometimes it's nice to cozy up with someone through the winter. And sometimes it's just nice to have a really fun, hot experience.
[00:34:42] I'm not terribly keen on the ultra spiritual BS phrase of everything happens for a reason and no one seems to know what that reason is, and no one ever thinks through the reason and no one ever talks about the reason. We just know it all happens for a reason that we must never know. And listen. I'm a fan of believing in such things as long as one takes the time to evaluate what these reasons might be. But in this situation, you don't have to have the reason. You can still savor and enjoy any experience, even if it's not your lifelong partner, even if it's not what you thought it would be. You don't have to vilify the person or make them out to be someone bad or hate them in order to let them go. You can have a really, really positive sexual interaction with someone that lasts days, weeks, months or years. It's like meeting someone in a foreign country and you only have a couple of days there, or a couple of months, or even a year. You understand that your time is limited and you use that time to live it to its fullest. Any woman can imagine going to Spain or Italy and meeting that guy Antonio who just want to take care of you and do everything for you for as long as possible. But alas, you have to come back to the US. And why do you come back to the US? If someone's not going to move their entire life clear across the universe just to be with you after one or two great nights of passionate sex, well, you might as well savor everything while you can, and I strongly encourage that. But then it's actually okay to have something short lived. And in these situations, for example, it's always nicer to have closeness as opposed to the never ending barrage of accusatory questions what are we? Where is this going? Who are you? Are you going to be with me? Are we in a relationship or not? Is this guy going to introduce me to his parents or what? And is this moving forward or not?
[00:36:25] So if you are a woman, you probably know that there is this time when something clicks over in your mind where you devote yourself to someone or retract and pull back from someone and it's really in your best interest to know when that happens. Is it after a kiss or a date, or after you've had sex together for the first time, or after good sex, or after coming really hard? When do you start to. You might say attach, and it really can be arranged for many women. I've been with someone once who just my being sweet and kind to them, I could tell, immediately triggered a sense of them, of feeling. We must be in a committed, monogamous relationship because this guy's putting attention on me and he's being nice to me.
[00:37:06] But what's really important, women, is for you to realize when you might be shutting off other opportunities. And this isn't always conscious behavior. You notice it in retrospect. You might know that you'rejecting other men or you might be consciously aware of it. But I'm not sure if you've ever thought of that place or moment when it's actually happening to you. Is it behavior driven, such as someone's kind to you or someone's nice? Or anyone has sex with you? Or does it depend on the man himself? Once you recognize when that moment is, it's really helpful to also identify that this is you. This is your response, your reaction to probably something you've been doing for a long, long time. So if you're having a one night, two night, three night stand with a guy, such as traveling through Europe or on vacation somewhere, or you know, he's not the kind of guy to invest, then it may be time for you to cut the cord as men. On the other hand, if you're noticing these positive changes in the woman that you're dating and you like her, congratulations and what a gift that is, savor it all, eat it, devour it, enjoy it. And also know that you are, in a sense, getting to some degree, locked into something if you just go along with it. Whether you've spoken about having a relationship, being exclusive or being monogamous or not, you're either going to hurt her if you stay with it and you don't wind up communicating your authentic feelings, or you can have an incredible, delicious unfolding that is the beginning of what is likely going to become a blossoming relationship.
[00:38:34] And then finally, for those men who are single and you're pursuing someone who is already involved with someone else, or she's starting to be, but she's not married and she's not in a relationship. So you still think it's fair game. I strongly recommend for you to consider not taking action, not pushing, not moving forward. Because then you're just pushing, convincing, probing, and being needy. There has to be that spark and that curiosity from her, and you're going to do so much better. If you catch her at a different time, when she might be more available. You can make your intentions known. You can let her know that you're interested. But the constant pursuing or trying to cut down or swipe at the other guy, that's what's inappropriate. In fact, it's never going to serve you to speak down to a person or poorly about a person or about how much better you are than another person. It's better just to let it be. Let her explore what's there. She may need to get hurt before she can move on and see that you're the better choice. She may be involved in a committed relationship for a long time. It may blow over in a week, or it could be several months. In my experience, sometimes it's only taken a couple of days before she'll flip her switch back and become open again. We don't have control over how and when someone flips their desired switch, but we do have control of keeping it turned on.
[00:39:55] You've been enjoying the Closeness podcast. You can subscribe to our YouTube channel by visiting forward slash closeness. One of the benefits of listening to closeness on YouTube is the ability to see chapters, to see all the different sections that we break down within each episode and jump to them easily with one tap. Your likes, comments, and especially subscriptions are immeasurably helpful. If you haven't yet subscribed on Apple or anywhere else that you might be enjoying this podcast, please consider doing so or leaving us a positive review. Now, finally, if tuning in has got you curious about wanting to be a better person, whether it's enjoying a more vivid, robust quality of life, learning how to share more intimacy with your partner, or learning how to have hotter and better sex, please don't hesitate to reach out to me by visiting our website, getcloseness.com, to support the Closeness podcast. Please consider donating to our
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