Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: Welcome to the Closeness podcast, your new sexual education. My name is Tari, I'm your host and this is Part two of Solving Fights, Arguments and Understanding Manipulation Tactics. In part one, we learned a lot about questions, the kinds of questions that are more appropriate to ask in relationship. We looked at the kinds of questions that maybe we shouldn't be asking if we're not prepared to handle the answer or can't handle the answer without freaking out. We took a nice long stroll down what it means to question and interrogate someone and how to handle someone who's questioning you. We looked at the kind of tone you might be using when you ask questions. We talked about what to do when a person who asks you questions punishes you no matter how you answer the question. And we also looked at why you might not be obligated to answer every question that's asked of you while still maintaining truth and integrity in your relationship.
Additionally, we reviewed what to do with a partner who fabricates stories that never happened, what to do with partners who don't play fair, and what that means, understanding that it's okay to not always be right, a deep dive into whether it's really your intuition that you're listening to, or if it's only fear based. And finally, an exploration of what to do with accusations, implications and insinuations.
If any of those topics sound particularly interesting to listen to, may sound a little triggering or sound like something you might be going through. I invite you to listen to the previous episode and I'll also add before we continue. These episodes are not the most fun to make. We're talking about really hard subjects, really dark material. I try to be a little tongue in cheek, be a little playful, make them light when possible. But arguments and manipulation tactics, ways of being cunning, the refusal of taking accountability or responsibility for your actions, all these things are hard. So if you do find yourself getting triggered or frustrated, please know it's a normal part of the process and if you're able to continue, but you can always go listen to something else, like another sexy episode from the podcast. You can always come back to this a little bit later. But as with all episodes, I do try to offer solutions and answers, not just talk about the problem. It's important for me that you know how to get out of pain.
And if you are looking for something a little more on the racy or sexy side, you want to hear something erotic, you can check out any number of the other podcasts from Closeness or Visit my website cravecloseness.com to get right down to the heart of things if you're wanting to improve your sex life. But without further ado, let's get into solving some really heavy duty conflict.
Sometimes we come across someone in relationship where it feels like we can't disagree with any tiny little thing they might say. And if you don't validate them at any turn, if you don't give them all of the understanding and agree with them, sometimes these interesting people will make you feel like or flat out tell you that you're having an argument simply because you don't agree with them. They don't see it as a conversation or a discussion or even a lively debate, but an actual argument. I'm sure many of us have experienced this before, if not done it ourselves. Your partner says something like it's cold outside. To which you reply, I actually am not feeling that cold. And then, rather than just dropping it, acknowledging it, or just understanding that we all experience the weather differently, your partner may snap back with, hey, I don't want to argue. And suddenly, where there wasn't any before, there's now tension as if it has been created out of nowhere. Conflict from nothing, frustration from nothing. They said something. You said something both benign, but now you're feeling frustration because of this one statement, I don't want to argue, or other derivatives such as this isn't up for debate. Oh, we're not doing this right now. I don't want to do this with you. Now. What has happened here? In one fell swoop, your partner has told you that they don't want to argue in a tone that is very argumentative and kind of insists that you should shut up because there should be no further discussion on the subject. It makes you the problem because they're attacking you for starting an argument by simply making an observation. There's a lot happening in that one sentence, especially when it's punctuated with a strong tone.
So if you're the kind of person who tells people that you don't want to argue when they're not really arguing, this is in fact usually starting an argument. Especially if they've only made one statement. Where before, your partner might have simply been expressing a preference, or letting you know what they think, or sharing their side, or in fact simply feeling differently than you, it has now devolved somehow into an actual fight. Because where really is the win? What are you going to say to this? If you stop talking, you feel a little bit silly and like someone's forced you to shut up. Someone has been hostile towards you when it Wasn't even your intention to argue or be hostile, and anything you say back can and will be used against you.
So, as usual, the onus falls on the person having the reaction. Are you really feeling triggered and angry and agitated because they expressed a belief or an opinion? How can you more constructively respond? Could you just acknowledge your partner's feelings instead of telling them that you don't want to argue? Could you just nod? Could you smile? Could you just let it go?
You know, staying quiet doesn't mean acknowledging defeat. It doesn't mean that you're being submissive. There is huge power in silence. Sometimes if someone says something that I disagree with, I don't say anything. I don't feel any weaker, I don't feel any stronger. I don't feel bad. It's just air that they've turned into words. It's their opinion. It's their right to feel that way.
Telling someone you don't want to argue, however, is also unfortunately, a way of dismissing them and also effectively marking anything your partner has to say as unimportant. So the takeaway here is that when someone feels differently than you, it doesn't need to turn into an argument. And when you speak those words, you make it one. So it's a little bit manipulative as well, because you're saying that you don't want to argue, yet not only are you using fighting words that create an argument, you're using a tone that's probably more offensive than anything the both of you have said previously. An easy litmus test for all of this is to imagine how people would look at you if they saw you and your partner having this discussion publicly. If there are people around you and they saw you talking and all of a sudden someone said, I don't want to argue, what do you think everyone else is going to think? Are they going to think that only one of you is the problem? No, they're going to think, oof, that's uncomfortable. I don't want to be near this couple. This couple is arguing or argumentative. So in many cases, this can be one of those simple phrases that just by not using it and not using that tone can actually save you a lot of arguing.
Right on the heels of this is our next topic, which you might call starting an argument or asking provocative questions that will start an argument and then immediately shutting the person down right after.
How does this look? Maybe you're at dinner and your partner says, hmm, how can I stir a pot right now? Didn't you take your ex Here before, Have you been here with your ex? And then sometimes before you even have the chance to answer, but usually if you answer, the next comment is, you know what? I don't want to talk about this. I don't want to hear anything from you. And they slam the whole subject down.
I don't care. I don't want to hear any more about this. Never mind. I don't want to talk about this. All create conflict. So let me reiterate. I see it time and time again where one partner asks the other a question. The other partner wasn't thinking about this, talking about it, doing anything regarding the subject, but the other one asks. And in the moment that the person answers, they shut them down immediately. And this gets really dicey and complicated to understand. So let's say partner A is the one who mentions and asks about partner B's example, and partner B in almost all situations wasn't thinking about, talking about or even in the vicinity of speaking about their ex. But nonetheless, partner B starts responding to the question or the accusation or implication from partner A. And then partner A has the audacity to turn around and say, don't ever talk to me about your ex again. I don't ever want to hear about your ex. Why are you bringing this up? Why are you rubbing it in my face?
I have to say, this always gives me pause. And it should have the same effect on you to watch someone ask their partner a question, have their partner answer it, and then actually get angry about the fact that they answered it or suggest that they're rubbing it in their face or making them uncomfortable or making them feel bad. I mean, how much more manipulative can you be?
You should find it shocking that the same person who asks the question is the same person who then punishes their partner for answering it. But wait, there's more. And it gets worse if a partner says, well, you know, the last time I answered this question, I learned from you that you freak out or you yell at me, or you tell me you don't want to talk about it, or you tell me I'm talking about my ex all the time. So I'm not going to answer your question specifically because I've learned that I don't want to argue with you and I don't want to have a fight and I don't want to get into a battle about something that you created that doesn't exist. And what do you suppose master manipulator person A might say?
What are you hiding? What are you not telling me? Why are you lying? You know, omitting is actually considered lying. What are you being dishonest about? You know, if you really had nothing to hide, you would just answer the question. And this is one of those things we'll talk about later. It's like boxing someone in. They're damned if they do, damned if they don't. You cut off all the options and you get angry at them, no matter what they say. It's defeating, it's exasperating, and there's no healthy way out.
Another way that people tend to provoke their partners all the time. And this ties in a little bit to what we were talking about just now. And that would be reading way too deep into something that your partner says that could or should be taken at face value. Not simply hearing, yes, no, I like it, I don't. But going so much further psychologically by playing games, using manipulation tactics, hearing only what you want to hear, believing only what you want to believe, choosing to not believe them anyway, especially that one. The choosing not to believe them anyway, or having your doubts even though you asked, reading too much into tone, assuming that they meant something else, thinking that if they really loved you, they would have said it differently.
Another way this comes up in a very dark and deceitful way is when you solicit your partner's opinion. You ask them something, but you phrase it in just a way where their actual answer isn't going to tell you what you want to hear or what you want to feel. Rather, you're only trying to look at the subtext and obsessing with what might be underneath there.
You spin yarns and you test your partner by seeing how they respond under pressure or to this cunning, manipulative question that you've asked. Then, rather than taking them at face value, you let the way that they respond be your indicator as to whether you think they're telling you the truth or being honest and sincere, or determining whether you think they're hiding something from you as well. There are far more advanced versions of this, but childish basic versions may look like, oh, you paused before you answered my question, so that means you're lying. Oh, you looked down a little bit when you answered, so I don't believe you. Oh, you hesitated when you were thinking, so there must be something that you're not telling me. Oh, you look really uncomfortable, so this means you must be hiding something. And the problem with all of this is what is your actual litmus test? Oh, the look they had on their face told me everything I needed to know. And you know with all this stuff, there is truth to it. Sometimes if someone really is hiding things and lying, and it's like you're in this horribly toxic relationship, number one, you got to get out if this is what your day to day life is and what are you doing with this person, frankly? But number two, if you are with someone who you love and you care about and you trust, but you're always looking for these signs, how are you ever going to have peace?
And again, sometimes these are very effective tools. There is a such thing as body language. It is 80 to 90% of our communication and it does matter a lot more than words. But when you're having day to day conversation and a person can't even get a word out without you psychoanalyzing them or evaluating, or you're squinting your eyes, or you're doubtful, or you're being sarcastic or talking over them, the fact of the matter is, when you're in a relationship with someone and you're constantly obsessing over asking questions that involve testing, constantly testing to no end. Well, first of all, first of all, who appointed you king or queen? Who made you master interrogator? Why do you think that you have so much power over your partner that you can ask them whatever you want and put them in whatever position you want and make them as uncomfortable as you want? Why are you self appointing yourself to a position of power? Stealing it, robbing it, taking it, or assuming that you're the more powerful one, such that you would question your partner as though they were beneath you or as though they were your subordinate?
People who question others either perceive themselves to be in a position of superiority or in fact are someone superior, such as your boss. But you need to be careful in a relationship dynamic what you're creating with this kind of communication strategy. If one person is constantly questioning the other and interrogating them, they are assuming a false sense of power and taking all the power away from their partner whether they answer or not.
So then why do you suppose it's so much more important in communication for people to be direct and concise, honest, open, sincere about what you want? Why is direct communication more important, and I would even say better and mandatory than implied or hinted at or mind reading or assumptive forms of communication? To answer this, one need only look at anyone who has their own business, who works a job, or any place where you've reported to someone else for something that you do for work. If you start a new job and you need to know what time you need to be there in the morning to, you know, do your job appropriately and have people respect you from day one? Would you like the time that you need to get there in the morning to be arbitrary? Unclear? No one really knows. We're not sure why that person got fired. It may have something to do with her being the last one to come in every morning, but who knows? Would you like to have to knock on your boss's door every day and just be at the whim of their moods and try to figure out based on their body language what your responsibilities are for work? How absurd can you imagine if your boss responded to you by saying, well, if you really wanted to work here, you'd know. If you really wanted to do a good job, you would already know what to do without asking me. Or why don't you look around and figure out what's going on and just tune into the vibe to figure it out? Or would you simply like to know that you start every day at 9am and have a nice PDF that tells you what's expected of you?
What if your boss said, sure, come in at 2pm and then you did and they said, oh, I was just testing you. This was a trap. You're fired. I was just saying that to see how you would respond as an employee, and now I see that you didn't get it. So you're fired or you'll lose pay or you'll be demoted.
These things sound absurd in a workplace environment. You wouldn't do it there. And while not everything will translate exactly over to your relationship, you still shouldn't do it in relationship. The more you can be clear, concise and direct, the better.
All right. Another difficult way that fights and arguments start is when we intentionally begin to deprioritize our partner, specifically without letting them know, and without letting them know that the game has changed and the rules have changed. What that means is you used to always take their calls right away. Maybe you used to always put them first for making plans or waited to make plans with them before you made plans with anybody else. Or maybe you gave them the benefit of the doubt and priority and ran everything by them before doing anything else.
But then all of a sudden you did a 180 and completely changed your behavior and now you're just doing whatever you want to do and you feel no need to tell them and you're no longer communicating with them anymore and you're not taking their call and where maybe you used to pick up right away or get back to them in a short Period of time. Suddenly you're taking maybe several hours to do it, or days.
This mixed message behavior is a surefire way to create a very unfortunate addictive response pattern in your partner can often very quickly help your relationship meet its demise.
And then, just like so many other forms of manipulative behavior, we start to punish our partner for simply wanting to know what's going on by labeling it as needy or not confident or not strong. So how can you know if this is happening or if it's happening to you? Your partner may start using expressions, don't you know I have to get to work? Don't you know I have a job? I have to go to work now you're keeping me. I don't have time for this right now, babe. I don't have time to have sex or do this right now. I need to go. I told you I have a job. I can't just sit around all day with you.
Maybe you give them a loving or friendly call to say hello or see what they're up to. And the first thing out of their mouth, you don't even say hello. And they don't even say hello. They just hit you with, hey, I'm really busy, I gotta go, or hey, I can only talk for a second, or hey, I'm just stepping into a meeting, I'm in the middle of something, I don't have time for this right now. I know I picked up, I'm not sure why I did, but I gotta go. You could tell in their tone that they're almost upset with you for even calling. And it kind of makes you wonder why they even picked up. Or maybe your partner could show you the respect of saying hello, and then they could let you know this information by the second or third sentence because you took the time to pick up, surely you have three seconds to be friendly.
And this transitions us very swiftly into the subject of excuses.
You know, you might be the victim of receiving too many excuses when your partner wants to see you, but you find yourself always having, having something that's coming up or getting in the way or that you have to take care of. And this is especially true for small little details like errands, mindless activity, scrolling on social media, nails, drinks with friends. Now, of course, some of us work full time jobs and we only have certain windows of time to do our hair, get our nails done, relax. But if you have a precedent of constantly giving your partner priority or constantly showing up for them, and then all of a sudden you do a 180 and it switches, you're inevitably going to run into a lot of conflict. Your partner is going to feel deprioritized, they're going to feel like something else is going on and it's okay if priorities change. It really is. The more you get to know someone, they can't always be 24 7, your number one. Even though it's something to strive for, but it's a conversation that can be had.
There has to be some receptivity, some availability on both people's ends in order for you to thrive.
Excuses, lies, or constantly having something that you need to do takes away your credibility and can be very damaging to the relationship.
Now sometimes a partner will appropriately double down on their kindness and say, listen, I want to see you, I want to get together with you. What's going on? You may notice yourself becoming even more distant and more agitated. And maybe you find yourself expressing your hostility through yet another delay, another cancellation. You show up late, you're running behind again. How about later tonight? Let's push it back. What are you doing next week? Oh, we're supposed to get together tonight. Gosh, I haven't left yet. I'm really not feeling good. Do you still want me to come? Let me just make my not coming your problem by asking you if you really want me to come, even though I kind of don't want to. Can you take the responsibility of telling me not to come over so I don't have to tell you?
I know I told you I'd be there at 2 and it's three hours later. Should I still drop by? I got so caught up scrolling and talking to a friend.
Another common manipulation strategy is when your partner has a full fledged outing or goes out all day with their friends. They spend an entire day out taking care of themselves, enjoying themselves, partying, dancing, eating, brunching, singing, whatever it is. And they'll inadvertently place you at the bottom of the totem pole so that when you want a little attention or a kiss hello or to spend five minutes talking, you'll inevitably hear something like, ah, gosh, I'm so tired. Don't you see I've been gone all day. I've been out for so long, I'm exhausted. Why do you want so much from me? Can't you see how tired I am from all of my partying? Teehee. I have to go to bed. You know I have to get up for work in the morning. What are you thinking initiating closeness or intimacy with me after I've been partying all day without you and yet this person will likely never recognize that when it came to their stuff, their errands, what they were doing that day. There's no limit to what anyone else might have asked of them, done with them, done to them.
But then when you make a bid for their time, suddenly they're exhausted. Actions always speak louder than words. And on this subject, my advice to you is rather than arguing back, feeling disempowered, or getting into a fight when you know the other person is in the wrong for treating you that way, you have to recognize that it's a manipulation tactic and usually unconscious on their part. They don't want to see their own behavior.
So it's certainly not unheard of to point the behavior out, see if they're willing to work on it, recognize it. Or you may have to evaluate if this relationship is for you.
Our next area of focus revolves around something that we are all too familiar.
Expectations.
And what is common wisdom these days? Oh, you should never have any expectations. Did you expect something? What were you expecting in return? What did you think was going to happen? Willing to meet up with you tonight, but I hope you don't have any expectations.
Common wisdom these days is don't have any expectations and you won't be disappointed by them. Well, let's examine that a little more closely. Do you expect your partner to show up on time for your date? Do some of you fully expect that your partner will pay for your date or dates, and you have all sorts of punishment for them if they don't? And by punishment, I mean maybe never talking or seeing them again, maybe never being intimate with them again?
In fact, some of you will have such an interesting strategy that it will tell you everything you need to know about the person if they don't pay because you so deeply expect them to do so.
If your partner says that they'll take the kids to school, do you have an expectation that they will in fact do that and not skip school and take them to Disneyland or the beach?
If you take the time to plan a very special date night or a picnic or a concert that starts at a certain time, do you expect that your partner will give you the courtesy of showing up on time? Of course we do. We all have unavoidable expectations that we do want and expect to be met. If you take the time to get ready for a date or a night out and your partner stands you up, will you be upset? Or did you have no expectation as to whether they showed up or not?
Expectations are in fact necessary when there is some Agreement on time, when you've made an appointment, when you have a romantic get together, when you plan to go to work, there has to be an agreement or an expectation that someone will, you know, pull through and be a good person. Now here's the kicker. If you didn't have expectation and hope around something happening like your date or seeing your partner, then you'd be neutral to the whole situation and indifferent towards whether you got together or not.
What then is the opposite of expecting? What's the opposite of expecting a situation to go well for you? Getting excited to see your partner looking forward to something, which means you have a positive expectation of something going down? Is it apathy? Is it not caring? Is it, well, whether they show up or not, I don't really care. Who cares if my partner shows up to this $300 concert that I just paid for, or a holiday or this special anniversary event that I just planned?
Positive expectation is a necessary part, I would even say, of having a happy, healthy relationship. Not being indifferent or apathetic, not not caring whether it happens or not.
So of course there are expectations. And of course expectations are and can be a good thing.
What I think so often happens in dating is one partner wants all the benefit while fully expecting the other partner to have no expectation. And so how might that look in the real world? One partner might fully expect to be taken out to dinner, to have everything paid for, valet, ice cream, dinner, any activity that you do together, have doors opened for them, full expectation to be treated with respect and kindness, and yet at the same time wants absolutely nothing expected of them, including how they might treat their partner. And many people in this situation have no problem being disrespectful to the person who they expect to pay for them and treat them to things, that's just an example. But when you're in an actual full blown relationship with someone like this, where they expect to reap all the rewards, have all the expectation, but contribute precisely nothing or precious little, not only is that going to be a very uncomfortable relationship to be in, it's not going to be sustainable.
Each person has to do their part. Each person has to bring their best self to the relationship. Each person should bring their A game.
Now, whether someone's expecting dinner, intimacy, closeness, sex, a date, whatever it is, it's important to look at. If you don't get what you expected, how do you then behave and how do you treat your partner?
And I think that's a great question. I'm using some examples from dating because they're very Easy to relate to. If someone has an expectation that the door be opened for them and it's not, inevitably the person expecting that is going to have a judgment towards the person who did or didn't do it, a slant about how they feel towards them. So it's impossible to not have expectations. But how do you respond if you don't get what you want or your expectations aren't met?
Are you mean, are you disrespectful? Do you shut down? Do you start to get snappy or fussy?
[00:28:25] Speaker B: All of those things are things that we can work on within ourselves. When we have expectations or hopes for something and it doesn't go our way.
[00:28:33] Speaker A: How then do we respond to it? And I think it's important to work on ourselves so that the way we respond, the way we come off to others, is equally as respectful as the way we also want to be treated.
Okay, now let's switch gears for a little bit. What's the all time favorite pastime of the partner who loves to stay out too late?
[00:28:59] Speaker B: The partner who likes to constantly push things back and delay them depending on how they feel?
[00:29:05] Speaker A: The partner who loves to revel in, delight in, take exquisite pleasure in a total lack of accountability.
And lack of accountability is a surefire way to get some really good conflict going. Perhaps you know someone like this, someone who takes zero responsibility, zero ownership, zero apologies, or maybe gives you a general apology like sorry for all that and throws in months or years of hurt into one single apology and thinks it all should be forgiven. How does a person like this sound in real life? Well, I've done nothing wrong. I don't know why you're still upset, but I have done nothing wrong. I don't deserve this. I don't know why you're talking to me like this.
[00:29:50] Speaker B: I was just out with my friends. And of course, we all know the unspoken law that if someone is out.
[00:29:57] Speaker A: With their friends, this can never be questioned. It's got an unlimited time limit. And we all know, of course, when someone's out with their friends, there's no need to check in. There's no need to let your partner know that you're okay. Or when you're coming home for dinner, if you're going to be two hours late, none of this matters. In fact, if the other partner calls to check in or send a message or two to see what's going on, this is very offensive behavior. I mean, listen, the sentence alone, I'm out with my friends, really should let you know everything you need to know here Listen, listen. Don't you know you're bothering me when I'm out with my friends? This is exalted territory here. I know you're my partner who's there every day for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but why are you being so. What's the word?
Controlling.
Controlling and needy.
[00:30:46] Speaker B: And there's another thing that people who lack accountability love to do.
[00:30:51] Speaker A: They just love to flip it around on their partner and make them the problem.
[00:30:56] Speaker B: The person who you made plans with, the person who you're married to, the person who you live with, the one who made dinner thinking their partner might be home at a certain time. It's almost like they say to themselves.
[00:31:05] Speaker A: I know I'm making bad decisions and.
[00:31:07] Speaker B: Thinking only of myself, but I can't take responsibility for this. I need someone else to take the fall.
[00:31:14] Speaker A: What often happens is sometimes people will make plans to see each other. So let's say a couple decides to see each other at 7:00, but one partner doesn't seem to be all that concerned about the other person's time or even being respectful of it. Maybe they're 20, 30 minutes late or an hour. Maybe they let you know that they're running late at the time that they're supposed to be there and that if they decide to delay or not show up, oh well, you just deal with that. It doesn't matter that you had plans or what you had going on or what you had to leave in your life to come meet them. Look, they can't make it anymore. I don't know what's wrong with you or why you're upset, but I'm now busy. Things changed. And the message is that their time is valuable and your time is not. So that if they're scrolling on instagram for another 20 minutes before leaving the house or messing around with their hair.
[00:32:05] Speaker B: Or even just cleaning the house or.
[00:32:07] Speaker A: Doing nothing of importance, really, they could be chatting to a friend for another 15 minutes. Most people want and expect their partner, there's that word, expect again, to just wait for them. No matter when they show up, they also expect their partner to be fine with it. And there's another unspoken law here, and that is that while you're waiting for the person who's late, you're also not allowed to text them, check in, call, see where they are, or show any sign that you may be remotely upset or bothered by their tardiness. And you know that's because this might irritate them and we don't want that. So they take advantage of your Time by making you wait or being late. But if you call to check in to make sure they are where they said they'd be, well, this is bound to create another fight or argument.
Now, let's say God forbid you ask a few questions. Where are you? Is everything okay? I thought we had plans.
[00:33:02] Speaker B: Now you're being controlling, annoying, disrespectful, and you've become the problem.
[00:33:10] Speaker A: What's even worse is that now the person who's late is looking at you and your behavior like you're needy and you're insecure and you have control issues, which in and of itself is very unattractive.
[00:33:25] Speaker B: But it has additional repercussions when someone.
[00:33:28] Speaker A: Is making you the problem for being late, and that is that you become much less sexually desirable to them because now you're bothering, harassing, controlling. You know, all of this is really just a call to say, hey, are you there?
[00:33:43] Speaker B: Are you coming? Are you showing up?
[00:33:44] Speaker A: What's going on? But they start seeing you in a different light.
So to summarize, a person who takes advantage of you in this way is all on their own with nothing to do with you creating distance in the relationship. And if you have anything to say about it, or any complaint or anything, comment at all, or even worse, if you're not in a good mood when they finally do show up, you will be blamed as the problem and a fight will ensue. The day or night will most likely be ruined, and sometimes the relationship will fall off the rails. And isn't that nice? All simply because you checked in or got frustrated by the fact that they were late.
And if all that wasn't bad enough, they also, even though they won't say it, will lose sexual attraction for you and may not want to be intimate with you anytime soon.
Pretty exhausting stuff, right? For many people, everything revolves around their emotional state. Whether they are having fun or not, or have the perception of fun, not what effect their behavior is having on other people.
Ah, and let me leave you with one more interesting rule here for the books. Let's say you and your partner have scheduled a date and this partner of yours has a friend, just a friend. Doesn't matter how well they know them, doesn't matter how close they are or how long they've been friends. I'll state verbally what they will be showing you if, let's say, a girlfriend reaches out to me and says something like, I need you right now, or even suggests that she does any little emotional whim. I'm feeling sad. I just ate A pint of ice cream. I'm going through a breakup. I'm feeling a little bothered. I'm miffed. Can you come over? Can we talk? Well, in most cases, the request of this friend will trump and cancel any plans that you may have had together. Oftentimes, no matter how important they are, sometimes the person who goes to help their friend may not even tell you that's what they're going to do. It feels like such an imperative. All they had to hear is, a friend wants me or maybe needs me, and everything comes to a screeching halt. They've got to go run to the friend to be there with them, despite any plans that you may have had. And what do you suppose they might be doing in lieu of, I don't know, your dinner or concert or event that you had planned? Generally, nothing. Social media, talking, hanging out, sitting around, watching a show. So know that with some people, if you have plans and anyone else needs them, you will 100% be expected to just understand. And this follows the same pattern of if you get bothered, it's a red flag. If you're upset, it's a red flag. If you choose to be hurt or annoyed, it will all be used against you.
All right, let's move on to some new territory. Another way that conflict and manipulation tactics arise is when people do not follow through or simply do what they say they're going to do. They're not accountable.
A plan changes without any notice. Somehow you thought your partner was going out for drinks and they wind up at an after party or rave. So you really want to figure out as quick as you can where you are on someone else's priority list. Are you number one, two, three, four, five, do you feel like number one? But anytime they're out and about, you're last on the totem pole. So if a knight takes an unexpected turn and becomes something else, you might even discover that even the next morning your partner is unavailable because you know the others are having a late start. And we just kind of want to relax here and do nothing. Just want to get some brunch or go drink more champagne. And if you have plans with that person. When you hear news like this, you're completely in the dark. And you better believe people like this aren't answering their phone. Don't want to have a conversation about it. Don't want to have any kind of discussion because nothing can interrupt the fun or friend time. Listen, friends, there's no way around it. If you want to be in a healthy relationship. And the relationship matters to you. There has to be some more than basic communication about what's going on with you.
To do that. It's important to know it's not about being controlled. It's not about someone keeping tabs on you or having to know your every move. It's simply keeping your partner in the loop so they don't worry about you, they don't freak out, they can continue to feel trust in you.
It is a question of balance, and it is for your partner and you to decide where that balance is. But it's so important to stay away from the extremes.
No one wants zero contact and communication, and no one wants every single second of every single day to be where are you, what are you doing? And where are you going? But for example, if you're going out and you're with someone, you're involved with them, you're not just dating them casually or you've hung out with them a few times, you're with them and your night takes a dramatic turn. Maybe you're magically unavailable for several hours, you're going into a place where there's no reception. It's really important to communicate to your partner, especially with a phone call and not even just a text like oh, hey, I'm unavailable or hey, won't be around for a few hours. Haha. I'll leave it to you to decide what you think I'm doing. Just let them know. Truth is so much easier than all of this dancing around in dishonesty. I personally also am someone who loves my freedom and I also do not want to be asked at every moment of every day where I am and what I'm doing. But I do show my partner the courtesy of always letting them know if I'm going to be late, where I am, if something changed, or if there's something big going on that they should know about.
Another big one I hear from my clients is when a partner asks the other to do something around the house and they just don't. And they ask again and again and again and the person just doesn't do it, says they'll do it, says they'll do it later, says they'll do it in five or ten minutes or tomorrow, and it just never happens.
I can completely understand that this has got to be one of the most infuriating and frustrating things ever. If you have an agreement with your partner to pick the most benign, basic example on the planet that they're going to take out the trash, it's their job to take out the trash. And you ask them to do it over and over again and they just don't. That it's a very normal thing for you to get upset, frustrated, angry, and.
[00:40:19] Speaker B: All the things that ensue from there.
[00:40:22] Speaker A: And I would be willing to bet that it's an argument as old as time. Someone asks you to do something, your partner says they will, they don't do it. Now the other person's frustrated, then the other person doesn't want to be told what to do and reminded, and both people get angry. But who's really at fault? It's really a simple argument. It isn't that the truth is somewhere in the middle or it's both people's fault, but if someone asks you to do something that you're willing to do and is part of your responsibility as a dad or mom or around the house, and you continue to not do it, I frankly expect the consequences. I mean, expect your partner to get upset, angry, frustrated. What happens eventually, though, when someone doesn't do things repeatedly? The other partner will usually get so frustrated that they wind up yelling, raising their voice, calling names, being mean. And now they also are part of the problem. And I've had so many people, especially wives, come to me and say, tari, I've asked him to do it nicely for years, hundreds of times, and he just won't take action. How am I supposed to respond? And I completely agree it's a tough situation. But one thing does have to happen, and that's, unfortunately, the person who's been really, really patient has to continue to be patient once you start to get help for this. But the other person who's been lacking and falling behind needs to take action or else there has to be consequences.
For me personally, so many times that our wives or partners or husbands ask us to do things. They're super easy. It's open a jar, get this down from the top shelf in the garage. Can you take out the trash can? Can you make sure to lock the door before we go to bed? So I feel safe. It's not a hard ask. But the other person, rather than looking at it like you're bringing your partner and you closer together, you are taking care of the relationship, you're leading in the relationship. So many people find it to be an affront on their freedom or they don't want to do it right now. And I can tell you there aren't usually 6,000 or 60 or six things that need your urgent attention. That can be done really quick. It's like, take out the trash can you put this away, can you pick this thing up and then it's done, and then it's not a problem. If you want to sit on the couch and watch Netflix or play with the baby or take some time to yourself or spend a little extra time at the gym because you've completed your responsibilities, I think that's the easiest way to make change. It doesn't fall on the person asking, outside of trying to be as respectful as they can be, falls on the person who's been lacking and needs to take action.
What are some ways you can keep track of what needs to be done? Set a daily reminder on your phone. How simple is that? If you like to write things down, get a little note card and jot your checklist down. One thing after another, line after line, and then check it off when you're done. It feels really good. You can have a whiteboard in the kitchen. You can each divvy up your responsibilities or check off something when it's been done, or make playful rewards. You can turn housework into something fun because most of this stuff is just really not a big deal.
Especially if you're a man and you're going to the gym and taking care of yourself and running all around. Something like taking out the trash or picking up the kitchen or wiping something down should really be an effortless task.
Now, sometimes there are projects that take you and your partner a little bit of time. Are you cleaning out a storage closet? Emptying or reorganizing the garage? Are you taking on a project that needs several visits to places? Like you got to stop at the hardware store in Ikea, and maybe you need to shop around online for a couple things. The best thing to do is to on the daily move things forward one step at a time. Take action on an item. Okay, check. I made this phone call. Check. I did the research and priced things out. I know we have to stop at Ikea and pick up these 10 things. How many things can you knock out in 30 minutes, an hour, 90 minutes, or two hours? Then continue to set yourself little blocks of time where you're committed to work on something. And don't let weeks and weeks and months and months go by before you finish. You can also ask your partner directly, hey, what's one, two or three things that I could take care of that would really just take things off your plate, make you feel better, make you feel less resentment towards me? What can I do for you right now that would make a measurable difference in your life?
[00:44:38] Speaker B: And I think you'd Be pleasantly surprised at how much that opens up. Space, desire, time to even be more intimate and sexual. As long as you're not looking at it like an exchange. Well, I fixed the bathroom sink, so can I get a blowjob? Well, I cleaned out the closet, so don't you want to have sex with me?
[00:44:57] Speaker A: Hey, I did what you asked me to.
[00:44:58] Speaker B: That never feels right to a partner.
[00:45:00] Speaker A: And it especially doesn't feel right to a woman.
Doing any and all of these things can really help avoid petty arguments, silly fights, and unnecessary conflict. Unspoken resentment. It goes a really long way when you're domestic partners.
Another issue that comes up in the same department is when your partner wants you to do something, but you actually don't know how to do it. You don't have the experience or the expertise. You don't even know where to begin. What's the answer here? It's real simple. You pay for it. You hire someone else to take care of it, or part of it, or to do the part that you don't understand. Not everything has to be done by you. Not everything has to be done by your hands, especially if you're a man. This does not make you less of a man because you don't know how to do everything, or you can't fix or adjust or build everything. Someone is always going to have more expertise than you. And whether you need to hire an actual contractor or a handyman, or even a friend, or seek advice on the Internet, it's a lot more helpful than trying to figure it out yourself or avoiding doing it because you don't know what you're doing.
The next way conflict and arguments arise is through time constraints, not giving your partner any idea of time, how much time you need, how long you'll be not taking their time into account.
[00:46:25] Speaker B: This often happens because simply the idea of having to, as many people view it, report back to your partner to let them know, hey, I think we'll be wrapping up at 2pm, we're leaving at 9am and we should be done by 2. Just the idea of this feels like pressure and control to people.
And it always amazes me how if someone has an appointment to get a facial or a waxing, they show up on time. If someone understands that they can only.
[00:46:52] Speaker A: Get an appointment for something they want.
[00:46:54] Speaker B: Between 2 and 3pm, they manage to make it work.
[00:46:57] Speaker A: If someone has to be at work on time, sure enough, they manage to make it happen. And yet, if someone is just out with their friends doing nothing of particular importance, there's this sort of Unspoken expectation that they should receive unlimited amounts of time without being bothered. Because, hey, this is girl time or guy time. I'm of the opinion that when you're single and you don't owe anything to anyone or have to be responsible for anything, or are not responsible for a family, and when you're not dating anyone, well, then, please stay out as long as you want. Do whatever you want, by all means. Don't answer to anybody. But once you're with a partner who you know actually cares about you, you have to work within a boundary of some kind.
There has to be a limit somewhere, right? For example, if you are in a committed, loving, monogamous relationship and your partner tells you that they're going out for a little bit and you don't hear from them for three or four or five days, that's reason enough for most people to end the relationship if nothing was actually wrong and there was no emergency.
And so similarly, at some point, there's a time period it would be ridiculous to worry about someone after 10 minutes, an hour or two, etc. But if they vanish all day and all night when you were under the impression that they were just going to the store, you're going to get yourself into a lot of conflict by not wanting to respond to that. But you're probably looking at it as answering for that. And that's part of the problem, which is your or your partner's bad behavior makes it so you have to answer to something. Whereas if you just let your person know or you stayed in touch, you wouldn't feel questioned or provoked or controlled. You would just simply let them know, hey, things are taking a little bit longer, or this unexpected thing happened, or, hey, I'm going to be back in a little while. You can still do it on your terms in most situations, as long as you communicate with your partner.
So let's say, for example, you go out with a girlfriend and you think you're going to have brunch, but you wind up having a few too many. And so you don't want to drive, but you're having a really good time and you want to go shopping or walk around a little bit. How hard is it to send your partner a text, ideally a phone call, that just says, hey, here's what has happened, here's what's going on. Maybe you even want to come meet me or pick me up if you'd like, but I'm going to stay out a few more hours.
[00:49:18] Speaker B: Boom.
[00:49:18] Speaker A: Done. What this does is it alleviates, hey, how's it going, everything okay? Haven't heard from you in a bit. Where are you? What's up? And all of these messages that to the person who's being irresponsible, sounds controlling, but are very natural responses to someone who doesn't follow through or do what they said they were going to do.
Then imagine that you actually don't disappoint your partner, that you surprised them, you were home earlier than you said. How nice would that be? How could anyone be angry, frustrated or upset with you if you showed up before you said you'd be home?
And this bleeds into another area where time is of the essence, where time can create arguments, and that's tardiness. Every one of us can be understanding if someone is a minute or two late, maybe even sometimes five or ten minutes late, but when it becomes chronic, when you're constantly running late, this is where the real issue lies. And tardiness, especially when it's late at night, when you're in unknown situations, especially when you're interacting with new people or people who your partner doesn't know, or you're in unfamiliar situations, you got to know it's always going to create tension. A little check in or a little extra checking in never hurt anyone. And it doesn't have to make you feel like you don't have your freedom. I think you have to pick your battles. If you want your partner to be what you might call normal, chill, happy and loving, don't give them anything to freak out about. So many people want to be able to do whatever they want in relationship, have zero accountability or responsibility, and have their partner be completely awesome and normal and chill. And that just doesn't happen. We all know this. We've all been in situations on both sides of the fence where we've experienced that.
So simply letting your partner know when you're going to be home does not need to be about pressure, frustration, control, feeling overwhelmed, not knowing what to do, and all of this what I would call nonsense or lack of maturity.
You are in control of your own schedule. And check this out. A little something that I do that's so easy is if I come across a piece of information, let's say I'm meeting with someone and they're running late by maybe 15 minutes. I'm happy to tell my partner, listen, I might be running another half an hour or 45 minutes late because this other person hasn't shown up yet, even if they're just running a little behind purposely and respectfully exaggerate my timeline. This has A net benefit for everyone. It's a win win situation so that I show up on time and I'm punctual and there's no disturbance in my future appointments. And it's far better than to have overestimated your time than to underestimate everyone else underestimates. I'll be there in a second. I'll be there in a few minutes. No you certainly won't because you forgot that you have to check your hair.
[00:52:28] Speaker B: And check your makeup and find a parking spot and circle around the block.
[00:52:31] Speaker A: Five times and then pay for parking.
[00:52:32] Speaker B: And go to the parking machine and then walk over to the location you are and then find me.
[00:52:37] Speaker A: It's too much. So at the very least, always give yourself a 10 to 15 minute buffer.
[00:52:43] Speaker B: When you think it's a couple minutes.
[00:52:44] Speaker A: And your partner will always be pleasantly surprised.
The second solution I want to offer you around time. It's really simple. You just text or call, but ideally call your partner before the time that you're supposed to be there when you already knew that you were running late. It's really simple. It looks something like this hey my love, My friends and I are all sitting here doing absolutely nothing, scrolling on Instagram while a movie's on TV that we're not even watching. But the thing is, we want to scroll for three hours more. So I'm just calling you to let you know I'm going to be home at 10 instead of 7 like I initially planned to be.
Simple, easy, effective. Except it requires one more thing. You have to make that call not at 7:00 or 8 or 8:30. An hour and a half after they thought you were going to be home. You have to make that call at 5 or 4 or 3 when you already know that things are taking longer than they normally would.
Another area that's caused for a lot of fights and arguments and similarly has to do with this time issue we've been talking about is when your partner blames their tardiness on their friend and or finds themselves self victimizing because it's never their fault. It's always their friend's fault for being late, for not showing up, for not calling. It has nothing to do with the person who should take responsibility for themselves. It's the friend who's taking forever who needed one more thing, who's talking to a guy who wanted to stop in one more store. Or they may say ah, I would totally be on time for our date but my friend isn't ready to go yet. Or my friend wants me to stay longer. I'm so powerless in this. I have no control. They want me to stay. What else can I do but stay? I am completely powerless against someone else needing me. And what I need from you is all of your understanding.
It's really interesting because the person who goes out and feels really empowered, I can do what I want, go where I want, say what I want. I'm an independent person. The person who thinks they can make their own choices suddenly has become the victim. I can't come home now. Of course. I can't just leave my friend here. Are you crazy? My friend is still doing frivolous stuff. They still need to shop. They still need to be social, eat more bacon. They just ordered another glass of champagne. I can't leave yet. When will I be home?
Let me just give you some really loving vocabulary. Who knows? It's unknown. I don't know, to be honest. Oh, I'm so frustrated that you're asking me this. I mean, I couldn't possibly put myself in your situation and imagine the ability to tell you when I'll be home because my friend may change their mind and want to do something else. And, you know, I'll have to do that too.
Well, babe, how much longer do you think they'll want to hang out with you? Also unknown. I couldn't possibly ask and I certainly couldn't possibly put any pressure on my friend.
Then if you want to factor in group mentality or herd mentality, things get even worse. How does that look? And now your partner might be at the whim of two or five or ten other people. And the more people in a group, the more indecisive people usually are. No one wants to make a decision amongst themselves. No one wants to be too bossy or tell the other person what to do. These are some of the ways that time gets stretched out indefinitely.
The hard part about being on the receiving end of messages like this is they're never overtly mean and disrespectful. They never say, go to hell, I'm not coming home. Shut up. They never say, hey, listen, I value you so little that even though we're in love or we live together, we've been married for 20 years, I'm going to totally deprioritize you when I go out tonight. It's never that.
They are, of course, passive aggressive, selfish, self victimizing, never putting themselves in your shoes kinds of messages. Most couples will just do it to each other without even using words. They'll just show up late or not check in or get frustrated if your partner asks where they are or when they'll be home.
Getting together with friends is cause for a lot of concern. You might even notice in your relationship that your partner treats you with love, care and respect when you're together. But then when they go out with some friends or certain friends, their personality and behavior changes altogether. This is a big red flag. Additionally, every once in a while, someone in a couple or partnership will spend the night at a friend's house, an overnighter, a birthday party, or just going over to a friend's house and staying there because they might be drinking or doing drugs. So now if you couple a late night of doing whatever they want, whenever they want, wherever they want, with zero accountability, zero checking in and no answering your hey, how's it going, I thought you were going to be be home soon, etc. You're leaving your partner in a very bad place just by not checking in or being vague, evasive, elusive, distant, cold or unavailable.
But then you also have to deal with the aftermath of the next day.
Inevitably, the next morning your partner's having a late start, they're sleeping in well, so and so doesn't feel well or not everybody's awake yet, so of course your partner can't leave or come home to you. Certainly someone's going to be hungover now, if you've got a family, you're in a relationship, you have kids, almost inevitably you're going to want or need to see your partner the next day, even if they had a fun night out, and especially if you have a family, you probably have some sort of plans.
But the whole thing can come crumbling down when a They're having a late start B Their friends aren't ready to let them go yet C. They're just having some downtime together again, scrolling or watching a movie that they're not watching D maybe someone doesn't feel good E they need to go have brunch again and get over their hangovers F Someone's having a dramatic episode or a breakdown because their other partner didn't call them back or won't be in touch with them or broke up with them. I mean, it just, it goes on and on and then suddenly a local DJ is playing somewhere, it's your partner's favorite dj, they've got to go check them out. It's a once in a lifetime thing and so hey, can we just cancel our plans for the day and they'll make it up to you?
And this absolute nightmare comes down to a total lack of communication, integrity and trust within the relationship. Now, obviously what happens to you is going to look totally different than these examples and doesn't have to be as extreme as this. But if you find yourself partnered up with someone who's a little obsessed with fun or freedom or having a good time or is very emotionally driven or everything just has to be about excitement and newness and fun, they get lost in a moment. You might be in for a rough ride with these types of situations, and it doesn't make it okay, but you do have to be aware of kind of who your partner is and how this stuff happens.
It's really quite an incredible manipulation tactic to not only do whatever you want, say what you want, go where you want, use any excuse in the book to stay out, but to then also flip it on your partner and blame it entirely on them and say, oh, you're being controlling.
I need some space.
This is too much. I can't handle all of this communication right now. Et cetera, et cetera.
If you are a victim to a partner who behaves this way, I don't think it is at all unreasonable to say, hey, I'm not your doormat. I don't want your breadcrumbs. I don't tolerate this behavior.
You can try saying it or you can try showing it. I don't want the leftovers. Now that you've had this incredible day, night, or two days out and you're tired, exhausted, and you've got nothing left to give me. Now, some people will say it and some people will show it. Showing it may look like their stuff is on the porch the next day, or they've exited the relationship, or they're no longer going to tolerate or deal with this anymore. And quite simply, every action has a response or a reaction.
If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best is one of the ugliest, most toxic expressions you can say to someone. Of course, life is not always going to be a bowl of cherries. There's going to be conflict. However, experiencing your partner at their worst should not be a regular occurrence. It's okay for everyone to have a meltdown once in a while, but if you notice in your relationship that these kinds of things are happening on a monthly, weekly, daily, and even hourly basis, your relationship is probably in some hot water.
All right, we may have to even do part three of this episode. This is such a big topic, but let's wrap things up by looking at one final source of conflict that has to deal with time. And that's the way we communicate with our partner via text when we don't want to do something.
How does that look? Instead of them showing up to meet you or calling you or giving you a sincere message, you might get a very strange text that comes in letting you know how they feel emotionally, such as, I'm really tired or I'm exhausted, I have no energy, I didn't get much sleep, no explanation, no details or requests or letting you know what's really going on. Just, ah, we were up really late last night. I'm so hungover, I have a stomach ache, I don't feel good, or any number of excuses. It sounds like a physical ailment.
Now the physical ailment has nothing to do with you and has nothing to do with your plans. And interestingly, when certain people feel malaise, it's often expected that the entire universe come to a screeching halt for them. Now usually these types of excuses are not due to actual ailments, like they got sick or they have a headache or something just came over them. It's usually due to poor choices the night and week before and prioritizing things other than you for the entire day or week that you again are now taking the brunt of.
Oh, they drank too much, they did too much cocaine, smoked too much weed, stayed out too late, talked too much and for too long to one of their friends was up till three in the morning consoling one of their friends, they blew out their vocal cords from screaming at the dj. And this is very insidious because now the person who's trying to see the partner who stayed up too late or is experiencing some form of malaise. Now this person who just wants to see their partner is at fault or is the problem for this person's woes because if you don't completely accept that them doing nothing more than just telling you an emotion is somehow all that's required for them to cancel or back out or tell you that they're going to be late for five hours if there's any pushback, any concern, any complaint whatsoever, like I thought we had plans or I thought you said you'd be here at 2, or you know, I paid a lot of money for these tickets to the Grinch this Christmas and guess what? Now you're looked at as being pushy, controlling, domineering, fussy, aggressive.
And yet they are the ones who made all these awful choices the night before or week before, which completely affects how they can spend their time with you. Today, what's absolutely wild about people like this is even though they've treated others this way probably since junior high, high school and beyond, they'll still continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. And what's worse is they usually won't ever be able to see their own behavior.
I know it's extremely hard if you're going through this in a long term relationship, if you're married, with children, etc.
But if you do have the option as someone who just started dating someone, or things aren't that serious, or you don't live with them and this is going on, it may be time to get out and save yourself the headache of a lifetime of problems like this. If someone is chronically late because they've chronically been prioritizing themselves and everyone else over you, if they never seem to remember you when it counts, if they never seem to take you into consideration when they need to go out or go have some fun, or go have some girl or guy friend time, you're probably going to be dealing with this for the entire duration of your relationship. And I would go so far as to say this is very bold. You can take it or leave it. There's a chance that your partner may not like you or love you as much as you think or as much as you initially believed. Why?
Because they're willing to put you in this kind of situation. They're willing to deprioritize you. Now, I'm not saying they don't like you, and I'm not saying they don't love you, and I'm not even saying they'd be heartbroken if your relationship ended. But they don't give you the kind of priority that a healthy relationship needs.
It's really worth asking yourself the question, what do you want to do about this relationship that you're in if you know this kind of behavior isn't going to change anytime soon? And as with all of these conflicts, manipulation, strategies and ways that fights begin, what are you willing to tolerate? What can you put up with long term? Where is your own personal boundary and what does it take for you to enforce it?
And with that, as we wind down, I want to recognize nobody's perfect. I certainly am not. We all have our shadow side things that we need to work on, things that we can improve on. No relationship has all of the pieces all of the time. The most perfect sex, family, communication, intimacy, closeness. The perfect family life can be both magical and also very difficult. But some of these things are really no way to live. They can be so insidious and yet so avoidable at the same time.
Sometimes we pick people that cause us a lifetime of conflict. We convince ourselves that we're with someone because we love them or we're in love with them, but there's just hot sex or chemistry or we don't even know what's keeping us involved. However, other times, things can be worked out if two people love each other, are committed, and want to do the work. Coming in to see me for a visit can make a massive difference. For conflict resolution.
Every day I have clients come in and in order to get to the sexy stuff, the fun things that they want to experience in order to talk about great sex, these types of issues sometimes need to be cleaned up first. Both people usually have so much built up resentment towards one another, underlying frustrations, that it's really hard to open up sexually. So whether you've been involved with someone for a few months, a few years, or a few decades, it's always healthy to look at some of these conflicts first and get them cleaned up so that the quality of your life can actually improve.
All right, if you've been inspired by any of this, or shall I say frustrated by any of this, and you want to get your own life handled, come in and see me for a session. We do life coaching, sex and intimacy coaching, and of course, conflict resolution. I've got a ton of experience to help you pull through. You don't need to go at it alone, and you don't need to be frustrated or exasperated anymore.
And finally, if you are looking for the sexy stuff, the juicy stuff, please tune in to almost any other episode on the Closeness podcast or Visit me on cravecloseness.com I teach you how to kiss, how to seduce, how to love, how to play, how to touch, how to interact with your partner in a way that makes them want you and desire you. And that stuff is super fun. If you don't live in California or Southern California, you're also welcome to book a phone consultation with me as well. Thanks for tuning in and sharing some of your time with me. I'll see you in the next episode.
