Speaker 0 00:00 You're listening to the closeness podcast, your new sexual education. My name is Tari and this is an episode on how to create chemistry from thin air. If you haven't already, please take a moment to subscribe on one of these platforms that you're listening to, whether it's Apple podcasts, iHeartRadio, Google, Deezer, Stitcher. You can even subscribe to our YouTube
[email protected] forward slash closeness. Now, are you ready to come closer? Let's get started. What is good chemistry for you? How would you define it? What does really good chemistry feel like?
Speaker 0 00:39 The unspoken feeling where you feel that magnetism or draw towards someone else, whether you're heterosexual or gender fluid could be someone of the same sex or the opposite sex. You feel some sort of resonance. Another word for resonance might be a vibration or an energetic or a frequency, but most people call it a vibe and that somehow makes it sound much more understandable and it's nature, but what is it that creates it, that good chemistry, that feeling that you just want to be around someone all the time, you like everything they have to say. You also find them attractive. You want to be physical with them.
Speaker 0 01:15 Well, there are a few kinds of chemistry to begin with. We have sexual and intimate chemistry. This is what most of us are familiar with. We've got chemistry in the workplace where you get along famously with one of your coworkers and of course there's partnership chemistry where things just gel with another person, whether it's a sport or a hobby. And then you've got perhaps the most benign form of chemistry, which is what I think most of us encounter on a daily basis. When we come across someone who is pleasant, there's just something about them. They've got away or they're charismatic, they have a way with people, the gift of the gab, they have a certain way of talking that we find attractive. This is in fact one kind of chemistry that you can work on and build with almost anyone. So let's discuss that one first because this is available to everyone, whether or not someone likes you or not, and whether or not they want to sleep with you or not.
Speaker 0 02:10 Over the course of this podcast. I'm going to introduce you to 20 concepts and this is the first one. It's the idea of being a pleasant and agreeable person, someone who's likable, someone who's fun to be around, someone who's enthusiastic or passionate about what they do or is connected to their life. You could possess any one of those qualities and people will generally find you likable, affable people will generally find you to be someone who's pleasant to be around and someone who's pleasant to be around often attracts others to want to be around them and that feels like good chemistry. It feels like they're a great person. A person like that can uplift people who are upset, depressed, hurt in a different state of mind. They can bring someone up to their energy level just by being awesome and that in itself can create good chemistry.
Speaker 0 03:03 Everyone's wired a little bit differently. So of course there are going to be some people who really admire or like others who go against the grain or who rebel or who don't follow the rules. You actually heard someone like that on the last interview. There's a whole group of people who are turned on and excited by these things. The naysayers, the contrarians and that's fine, but what people are finding even there is a resonance with something that they find exciting within themselves, but generally speaking we want and we like people who are agreeable, friendly and pleasant. It lets us know what we're getting into. It makes it easier to be around someone and when we're talking about non sexual matters, because the kind of chemistry you want with someone who's a friend is very different from what you want from someone who's a sexual partner.
Speaker 0 03:51 When you're with someone who's a friend or an acquaintance or just someone who's really great to be around, crave that pleasantness, that safety, that ease. We crave how good they can make us feel. If you don't know what I mean. Consider any time that you've ever gone into any restaurant, any store, gotten on the phone with any customer service rep and how many times have you found yourself almost in a battle or an argument before you've even said two words that the person in front of you or on the phone is so unbelievably disagreeable, so unpleasant that they can't help but ruin your experience and no matter how nice you are, especially if you've tried that tactic, it doesn't seem to work. They are just going against it all. Now is that how you want to experience life? When you have trouble with something that maybe you purchased or you need a return or exchange or you want to purchase, you want to give a company money and you're dealing with someone who makes the whole thing unpleasant?
Speaker 0 04:47 No, of course not. We want pleasantness. It doesn't mean your a doormat by any means. It doesn't mean that you'll do anything someone says, but there's just an energy that isn't weird or strange or creepy or odd. And when most of us present ourselves this way because anyone can still have negative qualities or a shadow side or be a not so friendly person to be around. But when we present ourselves with our best foot forward, good energy, a positive vibe, even a smile, friendly eyes, it makes a big difference. I have a client and for her it's extremely important. It's very important to me as well for sexual partners, to have friendly eyes away that when you look at them, they don't seem to have malintent. There doesn't seem to be malice or something that they're trying to take from you. So how do you create chemistry from nothing in a social context without sexuality?
Speaker 0 05:41 Be awesome, being awesome, being great, being helpful, resourceful, kind, not eager to please, not eager to placate. People can smell that from a mile away, but truly you might even say serving, serving others. It's a very strong word. Tony Robbins uses it a lot. He believes as humans, it's one of the most powerful things we can do for others around us. But for some people serving sounds like slavery and that's not what it has to meet at all. Serving as offering the best parts of you to others, helping others, which in turn also winds up getting you what you want as well. It works both ways. Having a certain amount of agreeableness, a certain amount of conscientiousness, a willingness to help, a willingness to not be lazy, to be kind, to be good, to be resourceful or to be able to listen to someone with your full attention and presence, to really be there for them or if you're smart or intelligent or Whittier funny.
Speaker 0 06:37 All these qualities lend themselves when mixed with confidence, which you might think of as a freedom to express yourself and show how you feel in a clean and positive way. All of these things lend themselves to creating chemistry from nothing and you could do it with man, woman, child, grandma, grandpa, anyone on the planet. They can see it instantly and feel a resonance, a sense of wellbeing, a feeling of being uplifted, a kinship, a liking, or what you might even call rapport, not sticking to a script, showing empathy, using words that the person you're talking to uses, letting the person know you're listening, nodding, paying attention, listening. Well, these are all things that are going to put you in rapport with someone else. Well, what does it mean? The definition of rapport is a close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each other's feelings or ideas and communicate well.
Speaker 0 07:35 Even just good rapport can give a good sense of chemistry. The definition of chemistry on the other hand, or better said good chemistry. Well, there's various psychological, physical and emotional symptoms of having good chemistry, but it's been described as a combination of basic psychological arousal combined with a feeling of pleasure. There's one more definition we need to talk about here and that's attraction and that's because more often than not, people confuse or purposely mingle attraction with good chemistry and there are very different things. Our working definition of attraction is the action or power of evoking interest, pleasure or liking for someone or something or a quality or feature that evokes interest, liking or desire as we'll speak about later, there is precious little one can do about how physically attracted right off the bat someone is as someone and in all of our societies there are much more narrow norms and most of us think for what is very attractive, beautiful, sexy and what isn't.
Speaker 0 08:38 I'm not a fan of talking about good chemistry in so far as its shadow side goes, meaning you write off the entire relationship and you do it. So many people love to do, which is to disavow yourself of any responsibility or accountability and say it's not you, it's just I don't feel the chemistry and you know, everybody's got their pair and everybody's bound to find someone who they've got a chemical match with, but I'm just not your match. It's an interesting way of saying, I'm really not attracted to you or I would never go for someone like you. That's different and I'm not a fan of saying to someone, I just don't feel the chemistry when really you just don't like the way they look because often people have incredible redeeming qualities. They've worked on themselves, they do incredible things, they have incredible talents, but if it just comes down to your superficial judgment of someone, you should really let them know and good luck with that.
Speaker 0 09:28 No, I kid, if you're going to tell someone you're not attracted to them. I think a clean, non dismissive, non accusatory, I'm just not feeling attracted to you is so much better than this bewildering. I'm not feeling the chemistry. Someone can understand that you're not drawn to them. It's a little tricky to say, Oh, the chemistry isn't there. Especially in the beginning. If you've only interacted once or twice, there are some things that you just don't have a lot of control over. For the most part, some of them include how you look and how attractive you are to them. People immediately think they're going to get along better with people who look better or who are more attractive to them. Now, a lot you can do about this, this isn't an episode about improving your appearance or suggesting you need to, but just something to keep in mind that sometimes right off the bat people think they have good chemistry because they're so drawn to another person and sadly I think this is what leads a lot of people towards all number of cosmetic procedures, constantly enhancing, constantly improving and changing to try and look more attractive to someone else, but we really cannot choose who we are attracted to.
Speaker 0 10:33 You can enhance yourself, you can put on a ton of makeup, you can do contouring, you can do all these things that will make you look like someone else, but who you really are is always going to be who you are and that's not always a perfect match for someone else and that's okay. That's as it should be. You don't want someone falling in love with the fake version of you or the one who has got so much makeup on that they're unrecognizable without it. You don't want someone falling for something that you can't keep up and you yourself don't want to fall in love with someone who will eventually show you years down the line that the whole thing was an act. Now, a deeper spiritual practice might be to accept and embrace all beings regardless of how they look to treat them equally well, to have the same sort of respect and acknowledgement of their existence.
Speaker 0 11:19 But inevitably many people are going to judge you, decide whether they like you or not, and think they have good chemistry with you or not based on the way that you look. Those are a few of the basics, but what you probably came for was the more sensual, the more sexual and the intimate. So earlier we spoke about creating chemistry from nothing by being the best version of yourself, a good person, a great person, someone who serves, someone who's funny or play for a charismatic, someone who works on qualities within them that makes them shine, that allows them to feel confident that on the, when someone from our society interacts with someone like that, the likely find it very attractive and feel like there's a nice sense of chemistry.
Speaker 0 12:03 Concept number two deals with men, and I'm going to go out on a limb and say for men, good chemistry is inevitable. For men, it's highly unlikely that if he finds you sexually attractive or physically attractive and you're nice to him in any way, shape or form that he's going to think anything other than that you both have good chemistry and that's because he's highly sexually attracted to you. And then if he can make you laugh or smile or thinks that he is somehow influencing you as a woman in some way, then therefore he's going to believe you are a possible mate. He's going to believe chemistry is there. And granted this is a very base way of looking at things, but for most people, this is true for most people on the planet, it's going to be, does she shine on me? Is she giving me attention, being friendly in my sexually attracted to her?
Speaker 0 13:02 If she's attractive, the answer is most likely yes. And so therefore, this is also why I feel that men often get themselves into situations that they don't want to be in specifically because they let attraction get in the way and they mistake it for good chemistry. Now aware, conscious awake men, of course these brothers, yes, they're looking for something more. And even though I believe everyone can be hypnotized by women simply based on their appearance, almost everyone conscious awake men will hopefully be looking for something deeper as well before basing their decision on jumping into a relationship with someone on whether or not they have that physical chemistry. And we're going to talk about this later. You almost never hear from men expressions like wasn't feeling it. Um, she just doesn't get it. Yeah. It just wasn't there. More often than not. It's can I fuck her?
Speaker 0 13:57 Can I get with her? Can I sleep with her? And then beyond that it's, did I find her attractive? Am I drawn to this person? And I think it's challenging for a lot of people to get past well. She's nice, kind, sweet by the way. I think those are outstanding qualities. Kindness and sweetness are very rare these days. But a few extra qualities beyond attractiveness to make her the mother of your children. Oh, I think she'd be a great mom. She's so beautiful. So the takeaway here for men is to recognize what are you using as your criteria to decide whether or not you have good chemistry with someone. For women, it's really important that you understand that that's going on with men because you believe on the other hand, and we're going to talk about this in depth later, that the magic, the fireworks, the sparks, the serendipitous occurrence of a chance meeting, you think this all just sort of happens and there's nothing you do about it.
Speaker 0 14:52 So I'm suggesting that when it comes to chemistry, a feeling, a connection that you can really get along with someone well or enjoy them sexually, that this can happen a little differently and be created and listen. Everyone loves that intoxicating, swept off your feet, feeling of falling in love. I love it. I've been there. Hopefully you've been there to hear it often does feel like this just came out of the blue. You weren't expecting it. Someone just appeared in your life out of nowhere, probably when you were wearing no makeup and just in your sweats. Suddenly you can talk to each other for hours. You can't get enough of each other. You want to spend 24 seven together. The guy can't believe it either. Of course, sensations like that of falling in love or finding your one or having a crush. Yeah, that's very special.
Speaker 0 15:36 But consider that being really attracted to someone and having really good chemistry can be isolated occurrences and they can cross pollinate as well. So one doesn't necessarily be get the next though. It is usually a prerequisite for there to be some level of attraction before good chemistry and SUSE, so good hot, sexy chemistry. Something that I'm suggesting can happen between almost anyone with the right conditions and can absolutely be created from almost nothing. This is different than the sensation of falling in love or finding someone attractive. It could be that you have it with your life partner or the person you have a crush on or the person you're head over heels with, but it could be the case that you don't have good chemistry with them at all, but you do have it with a perfect stranger or someone else and we're going to keep exploring why that is.
Speaker 0 16:22 Something new I'd like to put forth is this idea that good chemistry can happen because you give yourself permission to be the loving, awesome, sexy, sexual or amazing person who you already are. You already have this inside of you with this new partner or this new person, or even your current lover or husband or wife. It's the idea of letting yourself go there, letting yourself do it. It's already there within you. You're already capable of it, but you're giving yourself permission to be that way. If you can remember a time when you were really in love with someone or you cared greatly for them, how you acted, how you responded, how you felt with them, and what you let yourself do when it comes to expressing love or showing affection, you gave yourself permission to be that way. You allowed yourself to open. They aren't opening you, but you're using them as your excuse to be that amazing, wonderful, loving lover.
Speaker 0 17:19 So what if you let yourself go there with someone else or with more people or with someone beyond the one person who is able to give you that feeling in your past. So let's look at concept number three. See if it rings true for you. That on a daily basis, most of us run around, closed down, shut off, and we turn love away. Very often when it comes from places where we don't want it and we don't welcome it, love some say is the basis of this universe. But when we don't want it, we don't like the person. We're not attracted to them. We shun them. If you doubt that you're someone who might not be shut down, consider that if you're not receiving love from the select meniscul group of people that you want to receive love from, that you are in fact completely disinterested.
Speaker 0 18:09 Let's say for example, you are one of those people who posts on social media, photos of yourself, so you either use your sexual ornamentation to get likes such as your chest or your butt or your face, or perhaps you share recipes, something you've cooked, something you've made, maybe you share your hobbies or your skills or any number of your accomplishments, even if that's not you. If anyone has been on social media these days, we know what that looks like. We know who that person is. Yes. So when the love and the likes and the support and the comments come from your supportive girlfriends in the form of 100% praise and pure positive energy, Oh my God, you're amazing. Love it. Oh, such a goddess queen slay. Well, you love it. That makes you feel good. That's what you like and probably when it comes from a man you're attracted to, even if he's not your boyfriend or husband, likely that also feels really good as well.
Speaker 0 19:02 However, when it comes from a man who you are specifically not interested in, but he's showing affection, care, or love toward you, what happens? Suddenly? It's creepy. Suddenly it's bad energy. Suddenly someone feels very uncomfortable. Perhaps you post videos of yourself gazing lovingly into the camera, smiling, winking, playing, demonstrating your confidence and femininity. And when someone appreciates that but you're not into them, suddenly you want nothing to do with it. Someone is showing you a form of affection, appreciation, love, desire, or even just a compliment and you don't know how to respond. You ignore it, you delete it. You say LOL. You use phrases like thanks friend, you and friend, you make sure they don't see your stories. You unfollow, you shut the whole thing down. You get uncomfortable. You get this cringy feeling. You don't know what to do with yourself all because someone is favorably showing you affection, like love or desire or lust, but you don't feel the same way.
Speaker 0 20:11 So what is all that? And before I go on, I'm not talking about people who are obnoxious and disgusting and gross and writing inappropriate comments. I just mean when you're getting attention from someone that you're just not into. Well, in one sense it's very much like being shut down to love unless it comes through the tiny pinhole of a channel of those who you want it from, unless it exclusively comes from one channel in the way you like to receive it or that you know how to receive it. So this awareness can be extremely powerful if you'd like to explore this next concept, concept number four, the X factor. Earlier we were talking about giving yourself permission to be the same loving person that you were with someone in your past. So take a moment to remember one of your exes, someone who you really loved during the golden era, the phase where everything was perfect, the very beginning, the first few months, the places you went, the way you felt, that magic that you shared with one another.
Speaker 0 21:13 You can even remember a few of them if you'd like better still. Remember the times, the places, how you kiss them, how you touch them, how they made you feel when things were going really, really well. Did you have a favorite song? Did you have a special way of talking to each other? A cutesy way of interacting, a baby language, certain funny words you shared that didn't exist. Did you share a foreign language together? What were your pet names and how did it feel every time you used those names? What about the ways that that person would touch you, kiss you and love you, things that made you feel like you were the only one in the world for them? It's really special stuff, right? Things that we treasured, appreciated things that are so near and dear to us. So if you allow yourself to go there and really feel that these are some of the things that probably made it the hardest for you to get over them later on down the line and those very same things, those words, those songs, that energy, that look, those are probably the same things that then made you suffer during a breakup because it didn't feel the same.
Speaker 0 22:27 It wasn't the same. They changed. You change or someone wasn't talking to you like that anymore. Wind shear. He stopped calling you those sweet names or pet names or spoken your sweet language together. When that happened, the suffocation, the pain was almost unbearable. Then what happened after your breakup, either consciously or unconsciously, many of us made the pact with ourselves that we would never talk to someone new in that same loving voice or using those same words. You vowed not to treat someone new the same way. If you shared a song together that you loved, you said, you will only associate this song, this band, this place, or this vacation spot or this house or this place we used to have sex. I'm only going to associate that with them. It's so wired in the cellular memory remains with them, so we often don't give ourselves permission to feel those loving feelings again unless they come in the form of reminiscing melancholy.
Speaker 0 23:35 Once upon a time. I remember when I used to love that person, reminds me of somebody that I used to know. Some people feel heard about that years to come. Some people let it go quickly, but one thing tends to be true with anybody else. We tend to say no, we are going to shut the Gates close off our heart. Shut down. Unless that person magically appears in our life as the person that we knew them as before they became the evil acts or before the other shoe dropped or before we really saw who they were. Unless we can rewind time to that golden moment, that's the only person who this is reserved for and I would venture to say, Hmm. Once you have a few of these experiences under your belt, a few wounds, a few unforgettable loving experiences, you begin to realize that there are special things that make up chemistry with everyone, reasons why you love them, but what's true underneath all of that is that you are giving yourself permission to love, to open your heart, to be free, to be silly, to be playful.
Speaker 0 24:44 All of that feels really beautiful when you feel safe and vulnerable to do it, but then once you experience it with someone, you don't want to do it with anyone else in that particular way. This concept for those who are bold, for those who are willing, who no longer want their heart and emotions tied to some event in the past, for those who want to step outside of what they knew as love before. If you've moved on from these relationships that you've had three, four, five, seven or it's just been a very long time since your last one, maybe it's been a long time since you've thought of them or been with them and you've let them go. If you don't have strong trauma around him or her, if they aren't a big trigger for you, what if you had the audacity to consider sharing some of those beautiful qualities with your now partner, the way you kissed them, the way you touched them, the way you adored them?
Speaker 0 25:50 What if you started to demonstrate or show those qualities to someone new or the person who you are in bed with right now? What if you gave yourself permission to open your heart back up? What if you asked your current partner to love you the way you actually want to be loved? Remember being loved or enjoyed being loved by someone else. What if you told them the special way that you actually like being kissed? Can you reactivate it? Can you feel it again? Can you give yourself permission to do it? Can you actually allow yourself to feel the joy you used to feel while you create chemistry with your now partner from thin air?
Speaker 0 26:33 You know, if you listen to this podcast for awhile, you know that we speak a lot about loaded words, money, power, sex. This is concept number five. We all think that we understand the definition of these things, but we all use them in a radically different way. Chemistry is another one of those words. Not only does no one talk about what it is, we all just assume that we know exactly what it is and that it's the same for everyone as if everyone's having the exact same experience. In my countless conversations with women over the years, I hear a lot of similar responses and comments on the subject. Number one, very few people can define what chemistry is, what makes it happen with one person and not with another, and why most people have a total inability to discern all the different kinds of chemistry, the differences between attraction, sexuality, chemistry, et cetera.
Speaker 0 27:27 What chemistry actually means to you, how it works, people, but especially women, tend to feel nevertheless that they are masters experts of knowing what good chemistry is and if it's there or not. And you know this because likely in your life you've found yourself using sweeping statements such as, Oh well, when you know, you know it's just there. It is what it is. I don't want to argue about it. I know best. I'm not feeling it. It's not there. Even though we've only exchanged three text messages on this online dating app, I am a hundred percent certain that I'm not feeling it. So let's never talk again. You know when you know, you know. I don't know how I know or why I know, but I know it's not there with you. You can't fight it, can't force it. You can't make it happen. You're trying too hard.
Speaker 0 28:12 Also, I'm a complete expert in knowing when someone is trying too hard and just the right amount. So correct me if I'm wrong, but this pretty much encapsulates what you've heard for your entire life from women with regard to chemistry. Now we gotta be careful there because women, yes, are masters of creating sexual attraction, sexual desire, giving a look or a glance to make a man feel instantly responsive to her. Although frankly it doesn't take much. That is a whole different story and there can be a lot of excess in that. The pushup bras, the eyelashes, the dyed hair, the heels, that mini skirts, the outfits, creating sexual desire is a very different thing than having good chemistry with another person. Do you agree? So I submit to you that very few people know how to create chemistry or to make it happen because we've got this underlying belief that it's either there or it isn't.
Speaker 0 29:03 You don't get to look at it. You can't choose it, you can't study it. You can't even talk about it really. And usually almost 90% of the time these facts are revealed to us by a woman letting us know that it's not there, but I'm of the opinion that if you believe all of that, then you might just be sorely mistaken. Let's clear up a few obvious details in concept number six, you got to know that there are always going to be people who you are just flat out not attracted to, nothing you can do about it and vice versa. People who just cannot in any way, shape or form see you as someone who's attractive, nothing they can do short of becoming an enlightened being where they see everyone is coming from the same stuff is going to help them see you as being physically, sexually attractive.
Speaker 0 29:53 It could also be the case that something about them just rubs you the wrong way or you physically are revolted by them in one way or another. So it's an uphill battle and in most cases you might say nothing can be done. And since we're speaking about liking people, being fond of others and attractiveness, this leads us to an entirely new pitfall together. One called context. You see, you can take the same beautiful, charming man and if he approaches you in a dark parking lot as you're leaving target at 10 o'clock at night, you're going to feel extremely different than if you were a bridesmaid at a wedding and just happened to be sitting next to the same exact man. Context means everything and so it doesn't matter how charismatic you are, how much good chemistry is oozing off of you with everyone you come into contact with to meet someone in the wrong context, which these days feels like anywhere in public is going to be rather challenging.
Speaker 0 30:52 Now, there are countless books written in YouTube videos you can watch on day game and picking girls up off the street. Sure it can be done theoretically even at 10 o'clock at night in front of target, but you're working uphill. It's a challenge to overcome and to make her feel like you have this instant chemistry is something that in the wrong context is very difficult to do. Sometimes you come across people who no matter how good they look, you really want nothing to do with them because you heard rumors or there's gossip about them that you don't like or they do something that you don't trust. Say for example, you know that they voted for a certain president or not, or their views on really sensitive topics like abortion or vaccines or what's going on in the world today. If you find out that someone has opposing views or that you think they're a little nuts for thinking that way, it's going to be an uphill battle to create chemistry and so the person trying to create a wine and to create it needs to be aware that there are several things that do come into play that we need to consider, but are you condemned to either having great chemistry or not?
Speaker 0 31:58 Absolutely not. Consequently, concept number seven, good chemistry can be created. It can be created from almost nothing made up from scratch if some of the following conditions are met. You both happen to find each other physically attractive in some way or there's something about each other. That's interesting. Curious different, something that sparks a little bit of an interest and you can quickly imagine someone who you find disgusting or you're really unattracted to, or someone you would never talk to her sleep within a million years. They could lay on all the charm, all the game, all the chemistry, all the technique in the world, and it likely wouldn't have a big impact on you. Right? So there's gotta be a little something there and more specifically she has to find something interesting or curious about you. It doesn't have to be physical attractiveness, it doesn't have to be physical beauty or the way your body looks, but it certainly could be your skill at something, especially something that she's interested in or admires.
Speaker 0 32:58 It could be how well you shine doing what you do best. Things that deal in presence, things that deal in excellence. And I think this is why a lot of these things are difficult to pull off in public places when you meet at the supermarket, at a park, walking down the street because you have nothing to show except for the way you look and the nervousness of the situation. For most people is going to be so unbearable. The fear of rejection, the fear of being rejected harshly or being publicly humiliated that your body language is likely going to look like a total disaster. But in any of these situations, if you can allow your confidence to come out, your presence, your ability to stay calm, even your ability to make her laugh or smile or giggle or get curious or even activate an instant form of sexual communication using your eyes or body language.
Speaker 0 33:51 If you can get your playful side to come out, if you can demonstrate an ability to not be afraid or scared, no woman wants a man to be scared of her when she's thinking about having sex with him, it might give her a power rush. It might give her a boost of confidence in the moment. They might feel like they have a little more control, but it doesn't necessarily create sexual attraction to know that the guy she's looking at is frightened of her. You put Chris Hemsworth on the left and Chris Hemsworth beyond the right and Chris Hemsworth. AE is shy, quiet, can't hold a conversation. His voice cracks. He looks down, his body language is soft and you look at Chris Hemsworth, B, who standing confidently tall looking you up and down, flirting with you, smiling, being moderately funny, even just mildly amusing. Who's more interesting?
Speaker 0 34:39 Who are you going to convince yourself that you have good chemistry with? Concept number eight, we've been speaking a little bit about this earlier. You can use the things that you know about chemistry from your past to create chemistry in your now. One of the great things about having good chemistry with someone is this feeling of knowing like you've known them for a long time or you know them really well, and what's a huge byproduct of knowing someone really well? You can get away with things. You can say things to them that you would never say to someone else who's a stranger, an acquaintance or someone who you're trying to impress. You can say things that you normally wouldn't. Things that are wildly inappropriate and when you have good chemistry, it likely gets a favorable, funny reply. You can even tease, play, flirt, even when you've barely met someone for the first time.
Speaker 0 35:30 When you know that you can say anything to someone, there's an effortlessness, not only in the way that you carry yourself and in your stride, but the way you talk, the way you move, everything about you becomes more cool and collected. How do you hang out when you're just with your guy friends or with your girlfriends? When you have the confidence to crack a joke that you know your friend is going to find funny, that you're not risking offending her or upsetting her or bothering her? So a great tip is asking yourself, what are some tools that you can bring forward from all of your previous relationships or your confidence in other relationships in this present moment? How can you bring that forward into this new situation with the person you're with now so they're not frightening you or intimidating you and thus allowing good chemistry to flourish?
Speaker 0 36:20 Concept number nine, how do you hear or experience women who describe men that they don't have chemistry with? Uh, um, yeah, it was okay. He was nice. Now. He's a really good guy. Yeah, he's a good guy. He's gonna make someone really happy someday. He looked so good on paper. He looks really good on paper. If you saw who he is on paper, you would love him. But I kinda just wish I could take Billy's head and Johnny's penis and like Joey's chest and Mike's personality and just mix it all together and make the perfect guy. But there's something about this guy, I don't know, I just, it's just, I'm just not feeling it. Those types of statements are horrible to hear as a man. But what do you do with them? What do you do if you hear something like this? Well, unfortunately many women decide in their brain when this happens that if it's not there, it's not there.
Speaker 0 37:17 And then they do something to shut themselves off completely from any future possibility with you. Most of the time you could crack the exact same joke as someone who she's attracted to and she'll find his joke more hilarious than yours. So you gotta be aware that if you've been friends zoned or if it's been going on for a long time, that you've been trying and she's not having it, then suddenly coming up as mr chemistry or having all these tools and techniques to apply, it's going to be very difficult. So they think that if it's not there, it's not there. And as a consequence of this, you've been eliminated as a sexual suitor or a possible mate because they think if you don't have chemistry, then you're probably not going to make them laugh. You're not gonna make them smile. You're not going to be fun to be around.
Speaker 0 37:59 You're not going to excite them. And so why even bother? So if you find yourself in a position where the chemistry is lacking and she's already given you the, let's just be friends talk or I'm not feeling it, talk advisably you could and should just move on. It would be exceedingly difficult to recover from statements like that because now you're going to want to do all of the things that you shouldn't do and all of the things that are going to make her dig her heels in even more for a big whopping know now you're likely going to try to show her, prove to her, demonstrate to her what a great guy or strong guy or alpha guy or whatever guy you think she wants is you have to play Kate. You're succumbing to what she wants. You're being more accommodating and available. All of these things tend to create more distance and to exacerbate what's already there and make her dig her heels in even more to think, Oh, this is definitely why I didn't choose this guy, and of course as we discussed in the very first concept is very different for men.
Speaker 0 38:58 He might not be feeling it for the longterm relationship or you being the mother of his children, but maybe something about how sweet you are. Cute. You are pretty, you are luscious, you are whatever it is is making him feel like there's something there at least intimately or romantically even if that's not exactly what you're looking for.
Speaker 0 39:18 Now I'm going to slip a little something in here that isn't really a concept but more of a personal disclaimer that I think needs to get said from time to time and it goes a little something like this. Do you, especially if you're a woman like to hear a man ever talk about how good he is in bed, how good he is with women or how talented he is in bed. No, of course you don't want to hear this. You're either going to think one of two things, a total player or B, the guy's probably compensating for something else. Why then does he have to talk about how good he is? There's a common belief that men who are good at what they do don't need to talk about it. They just show it except in the position that I happen to be in, which is one of education, sharing stories, illustration, demonstrating points.
Speaker 0 40:09 I kind of unfortunately have to talk about my prowess. If you're a man, we feel it. Similarly, we don't quite express it the same way, but when a man tries to overcompensate with his truck or his toys or his gold watch or his talking about how much money he has talking about how good he is with other women, we can kind of see it and smell it. So these types of beliefs that are floating around in our minds make it extremely difficult for someone such as myself, where you only have the sound of my voice to go on. You don't have a sense of getting to know me in person or seeing me on TV or something like that. It can come off the wrong way. When I'm sharing stories that are favorable when I'm sharing stories about sex that went really well or I got a five star review on Yelp for how good the performance was or certain comments were made, certain compliments were given, things were said that I may in turn wind up sharing with you on the podcast, but I do feel like to demonstrate certain concepts and to really drive the point home, it's really helpful to have a personal example and not something you heard from a case study or read in an article.
Speaker 0 41:09 They also think it's really important for me to share myself personally with you and not only share the bad things, you'll think I'm a total disaster. There has to be good stuff as well, so a lot of times you're probably going to hear me share positive sexual stories. The intent is never to make anyone feel bad or less than or to brag or to put myself up above anything else or suggested the world that I'm the greatest lover that ever lived. It's done so that you can understand concepts more thoroughly. So that being said, concept number nine, sometimes the question comes as it always does. Did you just do this with me? Do we have this good of chemistry and passion together or can you do this with every girl? Well, right off the bat, this is probably not going to benefit my dating life in the slightest, but for the benefit of everyone listening, the fact of the matter is, once you feel confident in yourself, in what you're doing in taking care of someone else, and seeing what works in noticing the qualities that you have and how people respond to them, when you know how to make someone else feel wonderful, special, connected, and chanted, loved, yeah, you technically can do this with anybody.
Speaker 0 42:26 You technically can elicit a beautiful response from anyone because after all, you're sharing love. But I know the ladies nonetheless are all saying, uh ha, I knew it. I knew he was doing this with everybody. No, I'm not doing it with everybody, but I can do it with anybody. Anybody who is a willing participant and wants to have that kind of an exchange with me. So you can have very basic mediocre sex. You can have just good sex because sex generally feels good. You can have great sex. And then you could have the kind of mind bending sex that I talk about in the episode called the female sexual response cycle or how to properly have sex with a woman. So then the question remains, you might be thinking to yourself, well what about you tare? Are you having fits of ecstasy and are you iStat?
Speaker 0 43:21 And when you're helping a woman unlock an unbelievable experience, are you also having that experience? And the answer to that can be really varied. Sometimes I feel like I'm leading something. I'm showing someone something, I'm giving them space to feel and enjoy their body and mind. And that can often require focus, precision, sometimes even trying not to come repetition. It can even feel at times like I'm doing cardio or burning calories. But all of these elements I'm describing are something called concept number 10 holding space for someone else to have an exquisite experience with you. You in turn, do not actually have to be having the most ecstatic, most exquisite experience with them. You can be doing what's called holding space for them to enjoy themselves, for them to have an incredible experience and for them to feel it very on trend right now to talk about holding space.
Speaker 0 44:17 Everyone thinks that they're able to hold space for others or they appreciate the way someone held the space, but how many people are actually doing it consciously and with integrity. To me, what holding space for someone means there are a couple to look at it. Number one, the absence of doing a lot of annoying things, talking too much, focusing too much on yourself, being selfish, trying to come, having sex just for yourself, trying to get there, trying to achieve a certain outcome, trying to force or get her to come. These are all things you'd want to leave out when you're holding space for someone. What does it look like when you're doing it right? It feels like being present, connected, loving, open, receptive, soft, interested, curious, playful, sweet, energetic, frisky. All of those things can be ways of holding space. Sometimes you don't even have to do anything at all.
Speaker 0 45:16 You simply have to be there and when you're just being there with full attention, that can create one of the most intense kinds of sexual attraction from your partner. All that being said, absolutely. There can be times where I'm also feeling as ecstatic, as euphoric, as turned on as excited, and of course those are some of my favorite moments to share with a woman. So then you might be wondering, well, what do you think makes the difference between whether you have an experience that's really hot and electric for yourself with her versus having an experience where you're just there for her even though you both want to be doing it? Personally, I think it comes down to one of two things. It does come down in some part to physical attraction. To me looking at this partner and feeling some form of deep interest or excitement or intensity because of how I feel when I look at her or it can also be my ability to highlight in my own brain things that I find attractive about them.
Speaker 0 46:20 Enter concept number 11 you could have everything going wrong in your life at this moment. Everything can be wrong with someone. You might not think you care for them at all, but if you can focus so purely on the one thing that is working, you can actually completely let go of the rest. You can have incredibly connected experiences with someone just by focusing on the one thing that you like about them. Now granted, I don't recommend going around, as I've said in previous podcasts as well, sleeping with someone that you just find attractive because they have a nice mouth or a nice pair of breasts or a nice, but certainly as a man, these things are very difficult to ignore, but you're going to get much further when you enjoy much more of the person than simply a physical attribute. One final note on this.
Speaker 0 47:08 You can be attracted to someone. You could find someone to be incredibly gorgeous or hot and still have bad sex or not have good chemistry. Finding someone physically attractive does not mean that the sex or the intimacy is going to be good. What does it mean then to say you can do this with anybody and when a woman asks you, do you do this with everybody or do all the girls respond this way to you or does everyone always give you what you want? How do you create that with other people? Well, in my opinion, as we spoke about earlier, it does have to start with some sort of curiosity and physical attraction. Even though I'm sure it's happened in the past where maybe someone thought they weren't attracted to me and then over time decided they were or they initially judged wrong and then decided they had a sexual connection with me.
Speaker 0 47:58 I'm sure that happens, but I don't find that very interesting or attractive for your ego. It could be attractive to have someone judge you perhaps even harshly initially and then all of a sudden decide they want to have sex with you because you show them a different side of you or they thought you were boring and then suddenly they saw your exciting or they thought you were bland and then they realized you were really funny or they thought you weren't all that interesting and then they realize you had a very dynamic social life and connected to a lot of people and knew a bunch of people or they didn't think you were that attractive with your clothes on. But once they come off, they see everything. There's all number of reasons why someone could change their mind and you might think that that feels really good. But I do a lot of talking about where we are sort of post me too movement where sure those can be interesting experiences, but for your own safety and protection, especially if you're a man listening to this, do you want to go turning people who don't actually like you or aren't actually attracted to you or maybe might not have spoken to you at all into potential sex partners? I'm sure still for some men that sounds interesting,
Speaker 0 49:00 But my preference and recommendation is to really pay attention when you have a little something to go off of, a little spark, a little curiosity, some eye contact, some attention, something that's there where you don't have to be picking up the pieces from a negative experience so it doesn't have to mean chemistry, but the attraction or the energy is there.
Speaker 0 49:19 Concept number 13 a very lucky number. Now, this might be controversial to say, but I do have a belief that it's far more likely that women will feel that chemistry is just unfolding. It's just happening. It's just there. Then men will, I'll even go so far as to say that I think men believe that there's gotta be a little bit of manufacturing going on here, a little bit of pre-thinking preempting, preparing, and action. So for instance, two people can not just be sitting on the beach with their masks on and some magical, unseen force is just causing them to feel incredible chemistry for one another. Maybe some forests could bring them together or cause them to meet, but to make them have hot electric chemistry, that's usually not possible without a little bit of manufacturing, somebody has to actually do something non-verbally, verbally, energetically, synergistically.
Speaker 0 50:18 Right, right. Even if you believe in magic, even if you believe in fairytales, even if you believe in fairies and knowing if you in falling in love at first sight, and even if you believe in serendipity, if you're just passing each other in a car or walking right by each other on a crowded street and no one does anything unless you're just an incredible empath and you're totally in touch with our body experiences and you have hypersensitivity and awareness of those all around you. Okay, fine, but it should be obvious to you by hearing these examples. The likelihood that you're going to feel hot electric chemistry with someone is simply put unlikely all of this to say that usually someone has to do something and then someone has to respond back to it for that game to begin, for that electricity to build, for there to be energy and in order to do that, someone has to make a move.
Speaker 0 51:08 Especially here this the specially if the other person is sitting around believing that it happens on its own, it's all magical. It's totally unspoken, it's there or it's not, and they're completely just surrendering to the process. And of course, let's not confuse sexual attraction, which really isn't a choice with chemistry. So if you can agree that without talking to someone, looking at them, interacting with them, breathing them in, looking at their body language, making out with them. If you can agree that without doing those things, you don't feel chemistry, then it follows and it's very likely for you to agree that somebody has to do something. There has to be a way of interacting with the other person. And if you believe that, then you know that it takes some involvement and the involvement, the way you go about doing it is the reason why it's possible to create chemistry rather than having it just be there.
Speaker 0 52:09 See where we went with that. So make no mistake, you can look off into the distance and see some beautiful round breasts dangling, or a man's chiseled chest or the shape in his bathing suit and get a hit right to your lower chakras that says, oops, I need to take care of this. But chemistry, that ability to get on with one another, to say things that the other person understands, to be present with them, to tease them and have banter or to connect with them in a deep, profound, loving way or to have great cuddles or to have something that's really, really special that brings you two together. You've got to do something to create that. And so a fun little trick. The next time someone tells you, it's me, it's not you, and just not feeling it. I don't feel in the chemistry. You can ask them, are you not feeling the chemistry or are you not feeling attracted to me?
Speaker 0 52:58 Remember as we spoke about earlier, if someone is completely turned off by you or not interested in you, it's going to be very difficult to overcome those hurdles. And if they're not in close proximity to you interacting and doing something with you, with their eyes, with their energy, with their mouth, with their touch, with their action, with the way they talk, it's very likely that you're not going to feel sexual chemistry. So all of this going on and on and on about it to make the point. Women often believe that good chemistry is there or it isn't. It just happens and it doesn't take any trying on anyone's behalf. It especially doesn't take any trying hard. It's just supposed to unfold all on its own and she often feels like the master, the expert of deciding and judging whether it's there or it's not for both of you.
Speaker 0 53:47 As such, I'd like to lovingly shattered the belief that it's a magical event that comes from nowhere without any involvement on anyone's part. No one has any control over it, that you could be minding your own business and just suddenly be overtaken by a feeling of hot chemistry and they just totally weren't expecting it when in fact, from most men's perspective, there's a lot of planning and thinking and assessing and trying and doing. I thought this and I saw her and I plan this and it made me nervous to go up and I wasn't sure how to say it and then I carried myself this way and looked at her that way and I did these things that elicited a sexual response in her. Sometimes it feels that a lot of this is happening really naturally and all on its own, but more often than not, it's contrived. It's created in someone is moving it forward to make it feel effortless. What a mouthful. Concept number 14 take a moment to think about some times in your past where someone has really liked you a lot and you can see it in their eyes. For some reason we have this horrible response. As humans, we treat them worse. We act worse, we
Speaker 1 54:58 Behave
Speaker 0 54:58 Weird way. We distance ourselves, we ignore them, we block. We don't respond. We talked about this earlier, so what is actually going on there? They think that they're feeling chemistry with you. You can do no wrong. Anything that you say, anything that you do, you're funnier to them than you are to other people. You're more charming to them than you are to other people. They have a bit of a crush and an infatuation and usually people perceive that as having good chemistry even when you're not giving it, which is very interesting. So I think it's important to distinguish the difference when you're attracted to someone, your crushing on someone you've always wanted to talk to someone or you hold someone in high esteem like a celebrity or a star, and then you wind up meeting them. Are you really experiencing hot, passionate chemistry or is it just a crush Concept number 15 then what is a person's course of action to create this chemistry from nothing? What do they do? Well, something physical has to happen. He or she has to walk over to you, don't they? They have to see you or stare at you or look at you in the way that sets off all of your Twitter painting and your feathers getting ruffled. He has to give you that glance or that feeling.
Speaker 0 56:21 You know? I actually really do believe when a woman just looks back into a man's eyes. I think men more often mistake eye contact from a woman as chemistry than almost anything else. Simply a woman looking into a man's eyes can be enough to turn him out. There always seems to feel, even when she's just listening or looking at him because he's talking, men think there's something there. Whether she intends it or not. I would go so far as to say that for most women, if they want to create chemistry, if they just look in a man's eyes without hatred or anger, but you know, with openness and receptivity that they're likely creating chemistry in that man or sexual desire. So a man has to talk, say hi, offered to buy you a drink. Shoot his shot, spit his game. He's got to put his towel down next to you at the beach and offer you a fresh mask.
Speaker 0 57:16 He's got to say something witty or charming that just rubs you the right way. He has to do any number of things to create a connection. Let's bring back our most attractive man in the world, whoever that is to you, and he just stands there and stares at you. Many of you would say that's just fine. He doesn't have to do more than that. I'll take it. But really think if he just stood there and looked blankly at you, not with a penetrating furtive gaze, not with sex appeal and charm, but just looked for more than five minutes at some point, would you not also ascribe the quality of being creepy or weird or certainly not what I thought he'd be in person to him. Furthermore, if he was really reserved and shy and quiet and couldn't hold eye contact or constantly looked away or had a high pitched voice that often broke when he spoke to you, would you esteem the person in the same way?
Speaker 0 58:12 So it's the way a man goes about doing these things and a woman's receptivity towards him. Is she open to it? Is at that time of the month, is she feeling really stressed? Is she having a rough day? Is she really needing attention today? Is she feeling down and out? Is she feeling super confident? Does she not want to meet people? Does she? Depending on her random mood from any number of possible emotions, that will dictate whether there's a connection. That's my belief on how it works. Maybe even most of the time. There are always exceptions. I love believing in magic. I do believe in these very chance encounters and things just unfolding effortlessly and everything coming together so easily and you cannot believe how much you had to say to each other when you had nothing to say to the last person you spoke to.
Speaker 0 58:59 I get it, but the big takeaway here is action, action, action. Even if the action isn't much, but it's the right look of the way someone standing there and looking at you or the right approach or their body angle. They have to do something that makes you say, Oh, Oh, wait a minute. Women know this. You get approached all the time. You get so much attention, you love attention, but you don't want too much attention, but only the right kind of attention. So remember a perfect stranger in the parking lot at target at 10 30 at night gives you some positive loving attention and you shrug it off to go home. No, you're reaching for your can of mace. This is inappropriate. There's boundaries here. He should know better just because this is the only time in his life he's ever going to see me.
Speaker 0 59:45 This man should keep 50 feet away from me. But then you know the story, one faded evening near to a warm gathering with a group of girlfriends. There's a nice atmosphere of fire. You're having a glass of wine, the feelings right? And the same guy from target, who your friends been talking to you about all night. She says he's such a great guy, he does dah, dah, dah, and you say dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. And she says, dah, dah, dah, dah. And you say, Oh dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. Damn. And suddenly you think that there's a connection, some chemistry based on concept number 16 context. Who is this new confident, sexy, mysterious guy? I'm so curious about him. It's a different story, a very different context. He approaches you in line at whole foods. You bump into him at night and target and nothing would have happened, but because the context works, suddenly there's some curiosity.
Speaker 0 00:40 So number 16 for chemistry to work, I feel like there has to be a little spark or curiosity and a touch of attraction. And also the context has to be right for her men. For the most part, we are ready to meet women whenever. It doesn't matter what our hair looks like, how we went out of the house, how we were feeling, who we were getting over. For the most part, unless it was really, really raw or fresh. We are walking out of target 10 30 at night in a dark parking lot and a lovely, sexy, beautiful woman comes over to us and says, hi. I just had to come over and say hi and tell you how attracted I am to you. Can we spend some time together right now? You had better believe if that man is single and for select men across the planet, if he's not single, they will be clearing their calendar with the quickness and the chemistry for him is going to be banging. You mean a dark alley? Even better, you bump into each other and a gas station. No problem. You meet in the back of the building where all the garbage is being taken out. Perfect. Wow. What a great story to tell your guy friends, I know I'm making broad strokes. I'm making some generalizations. I'm minimizing some things and maximizing others a little bit, a little bit. Most of these things though you'll find will hold true in your day to day interactions.
Speaker 0 02:04 For number 17 we're going to explore the two types of chemistry. There is your social interaction and your banter and that can be very attractive. Again, especially for women. If you're really witty or sharp or quick on your toes or you're able to fire back replies, what's behind all of that? It's this idea that you could and should engage with her in a way that gives her positive feeling, emotions, good vibes, but if you're able to make her laugh and you're able to be sarcastic or witty or have good banter, what does it show her? It shows that you're not put off or dissuaded by her sexiness or her sex appeal. Her looks, you don't put her on a pedestal. You're not placating and you're not trying to vie for her attention. You can have chemistry because of how you interact with her and so that comes from confidence in doing so confidence that you are a person of worth a person of high value.
Speaker 0 02:58 You have something to offer and you've got a sense of humor to boot. Boom. You could be in with chemistry, but then, and this would be the second type, you have the chemistry when it comes to intimacy, sex, touch, connection. We were talking earlier about how you might spark chemistry with someone who you don't really know. You don't know if they like you or not. Maybe you think they friend zoned you and I suggested some form of confident interaction. Well, another form of chemistry can also be generally reserved for someone who you have a little bit of energy with. You know, they like you a little bit. There's a curiosity there. You have permission and that is touch and just like that. We bleed very easily into concept number 18 the way you touch someone. Are you soft and gentle and connected? Are you from and grabby?
Speaker 0 03:53 Are you stabby in the way that you poke at her? Are you stubby? Are you gross? Are you loving and connected? Can she feel your masculinity or your femininity through your touch? Can she feel both? There's a lot to be said simply by how you go about putting your hand on someone's shoulder, holding someone's face, putting your hand on their leg or their arm, giving them a back rub and how can you make that feel electric. And then of course we have concept number 19 eye contact. Now you might be wondering to yourself, why isn't the kissing concept on here and you'll be right to feel that way. The kissing concept is actually located in another episode called how to properly kiss, which I strongly recommend listening to because without a doubt the way you use your mouth, the way you position it, how you use your tongue, how quickly or softly, how you press your lips against someone else.
Speaker 0 04:48 All of that will massively contribute to your sexual chemistry. But now without further ado, number 19 equally as important but easier to apply eye contact, the way that you engage with your eyes, with your partner, how you look at them. One of the best tips or pieces of advice I can give you when it comes to eye contact is big surprise being present. There's so many ways to go about this, but not being intimidated by your partner, not deferring your gaze, not looking down, not pulling eye contact away first. There's a lot of do nots when it comes to eye contact. It's really nice to penetrate her with your gaze when it's welcome, not looking to malicious or malevolent, not looking like you want to hurt her, not looking scary. These are things that take practice because women do love the intensity. They love the excitement, they love knowing when they like you that you want to have them or that they don't know what you might do to them, and all of that excitement can build up with eye contact.
Speaker 0 05:48 So it's interesting to find the line between lust, love, and then avoiding the extreme emotions such as most of the time not wanting to look too dangerous. It might even be something you practice in the mirror or if you have someone who's willing to workshop it with you, explore it together as a couple because otherwise eye contact can typically fall into one of two undesirable categories. Very timid, afraid, scared, differing. Number two. Sometimes it can feel like you want it too much. You need it too badly and you're too easy or eager. Women actually don't want things or don't want men, I should say, that are too easy, believe it or not, because easy is every other man that they bump into. Maybe having things come easy as fun in terms of lifestyle and quality of life, how women conduct their lives, but when it comes to sex and their mates, oftentimes they don't want to think to themselves, well, they like thinking to themselves, I can have him, I can have him, I can have him, but for the actual action to take place for them to move forward and say, yes, I'm going to choose this person.
Speaker 0 06:56 Some women really love to work for it. Others love the attention, but don't want to take any action on it and don't want you to take any action on it. They love for you to not give away the whole store, not make it obvious that you would buy anything for them. Do anything for them. Say anything for them that you hold your own power. Again, this kind of comes back to confidence. Let me give you a little more perspective on this, especially if you're a man, because I think this point's really going to drive it home. This has no prejudice towards anyone who's gay or homosexual, but it's just an excellent, excellent example for men to understand not just how we work as men, but how women feel in our presence when we don't do things that they find arousing. Have you ever interacted with come across or been in front of another man?
Speaker 0 07:43 You know he's gay and you know in no uncertain terms that he likes you and wants you. You got to look, or a stare or a glance and you felt something right away that made you feel most likely if you're straight, very uncomfortable. So I'm sure this is an interesting thing to ask you to even think about, but have you ever gotten that ping of anxiety or discomfort right in the pit of your stomach or nervousness when you saw how obvious it was? Have you gotten uncomfortable when you saw how intense that desire was? What did it make you feel? How did you want to respond? Did you want to leave right away? Did it make you feel confrontational or did you think to yourself, Oh, maybe this is something I need to explore? What came up? Excitement, anger, fear, concern, worry, freaked out, worried for your safety, some combination of all of the above.
Speaker 0 08:38 Have you ever passed by someone? Noticed he was checking you out because his smile was just ear to ear. I mean, you knew without a doubt this guy was looking, but the smile was so big and his intentions were so obvious. It was so clear what he wanted, that it was hard for you to even be friendly or say hi back. You didn't quite know what to do with yourself. Now, of course, people listening, we're all going to have mixed reactions, but I think a common response for people who generally aren't too concerned about stuff like this is that for most people it's likely going to make them feel uncomfortable, uncomfortable in some way. Well, this is how guys are, but more importantly, guess what guys? This is exactly how women feel when men look at them, stare at them, gawk at them. It can often convey that feeling or like they want it too badly or like they're a hundred percent available or like they're ready to go right now.
Speaker 0 09:33 And so it also happens when you use eye contact in a way that's way, way too obvious. If you'd like to clean this up here, a few things you can try. Number one, don't smile too big. It's a sad thing to say, but if you've never seen someone before and you meet eyes and you give them the biggest smile you've got, it can be both intimidating or a turn off or also oddly and unfortunately it can give women the sensation of what the hell are you looking at and what the hell do you want? And I use strong language because in today's society, a lot of people have this either very threatening or very threatened countenance. They're looking for the problem, they're expecting there to be something wrong. And sometimes even an enormous smile can convey that. Now, not everybody. When you pass by a grandma or a small kid, sometimes it works wonderfully.
Speaker 0 10:25 But typically in the dating realm, someone kind of in your age range, it's not very good. Number two, the tiniest, tiniest hint of a smile. The smallest one you can muster a half a smile, a tiny uplifting of your lips can often be very disarming and not threatening when you meet someone for the first time. Number three, the tiniest parting of your lips, although that's a little advanced. And I'd recommend some one on one coaching for that. Number four, occasionally, occasionally a cock of the eyebrow. And finally, number five, consider looking, but not staring, admiring, but not gawking. Taking her in for a moment or two or three, but not making someone feel uncomfortable. So to summarize, we've got your confidence, the way you interact with someone. We have your physical touch, how you lay your hands on someone when you have permission. We've got kissing and everything you do with your mouth.
Speaker 0 11:29 And then of course all the different ways to use eye contact. Finding that middle ground where you're not too intimidating or overpowering, but still demonstrating that you've got confidence in yourself, that you like what you see and you plan to do something about it. All these things take work. They take practice. How do you know if you have it right, you get a favorable response, maybe some good eye contact in return, a little shyness, some smiles, some flirtatiousness. Maybe she touches you or finds you incredibly funny. How do you know if you don't have it right? You look and look and look and nothing's happening and nothing's changing.
Speaker 0 12:03 All right, let's wind things down with perhaps one of the most important concepts of the episode, and this is interesting because a lot of women will say, I just wasn't feeling it before. They have any kind of physical chemistry of the person or even contact and sometimes in cases where they haven't even seen them or met them or video chatted with them before. So you can almost imagine that the social, verbal, the oral aspect of the chemistry can very much be like a test to see if you have what it takes for her to want to share herself with you. Now, I'm not a fan of putting people into those types of hierarchies where men have to, shall we say, prove their worthiness or prove that they're worth it for her to share herself with. Because number one, in my opinion, if you have to go about proving yourself to anyone, you're going about things the wrong way, regardless of your gender.
Speaker 0 12:49 And number two men, aren't you worth it as well? Don't you have incredible redeeming qualities? You don't just want any woman on the planet to be able to live with you or have children with you, or even just have incredible sex with you, right? But there is something to that because ultimately who makes the final choice? We know it's always going to be hurt. A woman is always the one who lets you in. So I'm not a big fan of proving yourself in placating and justifying and begging and all of that. But the fact of the matter is you will need to do some things whether they come naturally to you or you're doing them intentionally and with purpose that allow her to say, welcome in so then sexually speaking, how do we create this alive sexual chemistry from nothing? And you might think that just because someone wants to have sex with you coming from the place of say, just pure physical attraction for instance, that you're in <inaudible>.
Speaker 0 13:45 This might very well be a trial period, a one and done. People could be doing it for different reasons and different times of the month and different desires. It doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to have incredible chemistry with them. I mean, I can think of several times where I thought things would go really well with someone. I was physically attracted to them. I was looking forward to it, but after doing it, once I discovered, Oh my gosh, we aren't on the same page here and that's no matter how easy was, how much it was offered and how willing she was. Sometimes it just happens. There's not good chemistry.
Speaker 0 14:19 Let's wrap this episode up with a little fun. Let's say you're going to have sex with someone you know you're going to, you want to make a good impression. You don't just want to be someone who, for instance, made him or her come. You want to be memorable. You want to repeat it. You want to experience good chemistry. Well, let's not kid ourselves. Obviously the best way to go about doing that would be to work one on one or two on one with me in sunny San Diego, getting all that super secret and advanced goodness that you can't find anywhere else including on this podcast. That's definitely the accelerated route, but let me give you a few delicious nuggets in the meanwhile, have you ever had one of those dreams where you absolutely know you're going to have sex with someone where sex is inevitable, it's guaranteed and your confidence is nearly through the roof?
Speaker 0 15:05 Do you know that feeling where there's this unbridled pull toward the other person? It doesn't matter who it is, if you know them or not, if you've seen them before or not. Have you ever experienced that? And if you haven't in a dream, have you felt that in person with someone else? That feeling where you can't get enough of them, something electric happens when you get near them and you want to kiss them or suck on them or give them all of your love or just get into it. What's happening to you in those moments? How are you carrying yourself and in the real world? What are a couple of things that you can do one on one with someone to convey your confidence, your certainty, your desire, your lust, your love? What can you do to ramp the energy and the chemistry up? Well, the best secret, the best tip, the best thing I can give you, no matter who you are, is to tell you to use your own presence, your energy, your way of being to show the other person you're confident, you're adept, you're going to take very good care of the other person.
Speaker 0 16:10 You want to be able to show them that you want to have them or be with them or ravish them. Something that deals with the way you are holding yourself and carrying yourself. We could do an entire episode on presence alone. Are you aware of how you use your own energy, attunement, body language, how you stand, how you carry yourself, what intention you're putting forward, and of course eye contact. The way that you're looking at your partner. Are you looking at them with uncertainty or dislike or discussed or mistrust or anything other than, Oh, I've got to have you or I love you or I want you, or this is going to be so good. Presence is one of those interesting things that you can talk about. You can describe, but if you don't work on it or practice your own, you could save vibrational countenance. You could say own energetic. You could say your vibe, your way of being, your energy towards the other person, and of course that translates to your body language, the way you're breathing calmly,
Speaker 1 17:21 <inaudible>
Speaker 0 17:26 Confidently, the smoothness of your gestures, how quickly you move. Are you robotic? Are you comfortable in your own skin? These are all qualities that hint at someone who has a high degree of presence, but when it comes to working on them individually, you really have to play with it yourself. Same thing with eye contact. You might think that you're looking at her with all the lust in the world, like, Ugh, it's going to be so good. It's on. She might be freaked out by the way you're looking at her because you look threatening or menacing or scary. You might think that your nice deep voice is something that's just really turning her on and you're giving it some sort of an effect and it's gotten some good reviews before, but she's hearing it and thinking, uh, that doesn't sound authentic as she becomes turned off.
Speaker 0 18:17 Or you might tap into a voice that's authentically you, but you don't often talk like this, right? So I can play with the quality of my voice. I can get really excited guys and tell you how fun it's going to be to have this really great sex, or I can slow things down, make it a little deeper, take things a little bit more slowly and build. Anticipate patient at first. If you're experimenting with your voice, it may feel a little foreign or put on, certainly unnatural, but you're looking for an authentic version of yourself where you use your energy, your presence, your body language, and your eye contact to be congruent with how you're feeling and you're confident enough to show it without worrying about her response, her rejection, her excitement, her desire for you. It's just there that can be very, very intoxicating and a very powerful way to create chemistry from nothing.
Speaker 0 19:22 If you've been listening for a while now, you may have noticed that these podcasts are very powerful and I do my very best to pack an enormous amount of value and content into them still. Whether you're watching someone else's videos, listening to me talk on an episode, studying in school, as many of you know, there's rarely a substitute for real time practice, for real world experience for getting it done, and so that's why I encourage you, if any of this seems foreign, you want to get better at it. You heard everything I said in this episode, but it's still not making sense or still not working for you in your relationship. You're struggling with women or with your own life, quality of life. You're having a hard time getting your man to open up or give you what you want. You're having a difficult time asking for what you need.
Speaker 0 20:09 Even if you're interested in some of my other concepts such as luxurious, minimalism, interior design, and extraordinary quality of life cooking, that's when you want to consider getting some closeness, coaching for you or you and your partner. You can work one on one with me individually, even if you're with someone or we can do sessions together as well. The hard thing about all of this is if you're a secret listener, you know everybody needs this. Everyone needs a new sexual education. We're expected to know it. We're expected to just divine what our partner wants and feels regardless of how our previous partners have treated us or what they've shown us, and it's hard. Not only that, but if you're involved with a woman, for the most part, she likely does not want to role play with you or have you guests and experiment. And maybe if you're a man, you feel like, Oh, this is insulting.
Speaker 0 21:00 I should know this stuff. And it's really important to give ourselves permission and understanding that we don't. It's not innate. It's a learned skill like anything else. And if you put your focus and attention on it, you can really change your life. You can change your sexual life. So I look forward to hearing from you if you're single or you and your partner soon. And I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Thank you for listening. We hope you've enjoyed this very powerful episode. You can follow us on
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