Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Welcome to the Closeness podcast, your new sexual Education. We take complex intimate issues and break them down into something you can actually do something with. We'll teach you how to have, in no uncertain terms, better, hotter sex. If you haven't already, please subscribe to the Closeness podcast on the platform in which you're listening to us. And if you'd like to subscribe to us on YouTube, please join us at Forward Slash Closeness. If this work has made a measurable difference in your life, you can donate to our Venmo at closeness or join us on Patreon at Forward Slash Closeness. Now, are you ready to come closer? Let's get started. Hello, everyone. Welcome back. My name is Tari and you're listening to part two of what a woman's body is capable of and how to turn her on. The purpose of these episodes is twofold. Number one, to get comfortable in your own skin, and number two, to inspire both men and women towards what is actually possible when it comes to pleasure. We'll be speaking about more racy subjects than we did in the previous episode, so listener discretion is advised. With that being said, we are going to get right down into this. In the last episode we spoke about female orgasms, and this episode we're also going to start off by talking about what pushes her over the edge, what helps her spill. What are some of the ways that women reach orgasm? For some women, all that's required is for you to barely touch, almost barely breathe on her clit. For some women, just the lightest touch will send ripples of pleasure down her spine. Sometimes you can't even touch her clit directly without her going into pleasure spasms or information overload. Other times still, we need to use a lot of pressure to really turn her out and really push firmly. It may actually be surprising how much you have to push, especially if you've been with someone sensitive in the past. All women are in a very different position on the pleasure spectrum in terms of pressure, how delicate you have to be, or how firm and forceful you can be. Then there's also the quality of your touch and how you go about doing it. So if we are talking specifically about her clit, which is one of the many places you can stimulate her, some women, like really tiny, delicate, round, repetitive, circular strokes. Some women, on the other hand, enjoy having you move your finger up and down on it, so it's as if you're making the letter I or a lowercased L over and over and over again. Other women still enjoy having you almost pop it back and forth as if you're putting your finger on a button with a little bit of pressure and you just feel it slip or slide back and forth on each side. Some women like to have their clits pinched or rubbed softly together between your two fingers. Some, believe it or not, even want their clits gently bit. Others want it in and out and up and over. They want to be fingered while you're doing it or eaten out while they're doing it. Some women don't like being touched down there at all with your fingers. This is why it's a bit of a delusion to expect your partner to mind read or know what you want when there are so many different things that could work for you or against you. Now, certainly your partner can learn, certainly he can be very observant or try some things out. But expecting someone to know is a no no. So some women really enjoy having you just stroke up and down the outside or inside of her labia. Some women enjoy having a still finger inside. That's a little rare. Others enjoy having it move in and up while you're rubbing on her G spot and possibly eating her out at the same time. When you are learning and discovering her landscape, it's also very important to not be a one trick pony. It's important to look for and discover different things that excite her, find different areas that turn her on. It's challenging for most men to figure women out, because for the most part, we are so easy, sexually speaking. Often you can just reach your hand down between our legs, have sex with us, or go down on us, and we're good. So switching it up, discovering more, workshopping it, practicing, finding new ways to turn her on, that really becomes what matters. I think you'll find that your orgasms become richer and more profound when the connection element stays present. That means when you're not just manually stroking, as if you have a vibrator on you, but you're involved with your partner, whether that's through eye contact, touch, kissing, something that brings you both together, rather than just constant rubbing. Although I do know that can be a very effective way to get there.
[00:04:29] Monotony can also happen when you're kissing someone. If you find yourself with someone who's making that same swirling, repetitive motion when they're making out with you, where someone's just moving their tongue around and around and around, and it just kind of has this droning on, never ending feeling of sucking face. You don't want to feel like an immersion blender. You want to switch it up. Sometimes we get lost in a moment. That's fine repetition. There's a place for it. But to be too repetitive, unless it's necessary for her to come, it's really nice to add some variety. And all that requires, whether you're a man or woman, is to be a little more creative and try kissing something else or somewhere else. This is not to be mistaken with the process of getting to orgasm. We, as men, understand that women often need a continuous, repetitive, constant stroke. But you may be asking your man to do it, so much so that his fingers lock up, his jaw tightens up, his hand goes numb. Perhaps his finger can't move anymore, or even his tongue gets frozen. It takes a lot for a man to micro move his finger in the perfect direction. That just hits it and hits it and hits it. This is where closeness, deep listening comes in. You'll hear me talk about this in how to properly go down on a woman parts one and two, and other episodes as well. What is deep listening about as a man, rather than giving your partner the same stroke over and over again? What if you had to make, or had the opportunity to make every single thrust count?
[00:06:03] How can you make it different for yourself? How can you stay connected through each thrust of your hips? How can you penetrate her with your gaze, or love her even more each time you're moving in and out of her? How can you pace yourself in a way so that she feels special? It's really worth thinking about. What if you were doing more than just thrusting?
[00:06:26] Let's let that marinade for a moment as we continue to speak about the female orgasm. As we mentioned in part one, some women are capable of coming in minutes. Sometimes they can even do it in a few seconds. They're just able to get there quickly, much like men. Other women will have rolling planes of orgasms, little baby ones that kind of come and go in waves. Some women aren't sure if they're having an orgasm, but think they are. And many of those women's friends who hear this think that they must not have had it at all because you would know. But with some women, they experience their orgasm in such a mild way, it's hard for them to discern whether it was actually an orgasm or not. Some women have deep, profound, sheet clenching orgasms where they can't even open their eyes or look at you because the feeling is so intense. Those are always fun. Some women lose control over their motor function, or they lose control of their limbs and don't realize it when they sink their hands so far into your back or butt or other location that they draw blood.
[00:07:27] Okay? So these orgasms, they can build on one another. They can get more and more intense. You could have a small one or even a large one to start and have the next one get more powerful and more powerful after that until it culminates in one big, gushing release. So many kinds of orgasms, right? Obviously, if you're a woman, you're probably well aware of what kind you have. Are you inspired to have more, and do you know what to do to go about having them?
[00:07:55] Let's now step into the way in which women talk about having sex. Contrary to what many people believe, women talk about sex way, way more than most men do, at a level of detail that we can hardly begin to conceive. You love to get very specific. You teach each other how to do things. You explain how to do things to one another. You practice how to do certain things. Allah, blowjob, parties with bananas and cucumbers. You even go so far as supporting one another. If one girl in your group of friends hasn't had sex in a while in the way that you egg her on or insist that she goes home with someone new, especially if she's just broken up with someone or is fresh out of a relationship, there's this really strong push to help them get back into the saddle again. You might not be that kind of girl by definition, but certainly you may find yourself being that girl in the moment. By the way, I'm really not a big fan of the expression I'm not that kind of girl. What kind of girl is that exactly? Anyway? Every girl thinks and says that she's not like most girls, and this is spoken by most girls. Every girl also believes that she's not that kind of a girl, and yet there's no common understanding or definition of who that kind of girl is. All of us are open sexually to different degrees, and all of us in the right situation will be more sexual, more intimate, more aroused, and quicker to become sexual than we ever have been before with the right person. So rather than saying you're not that kind of girl, that girl just isn't active in you right now.
[00:09:28] Along the lines of disempowering vocabulary, I also don't think it's healthy for anyone to refer to women as slutty or whorish. Why do I think that's true? Because there's no way to give a concrete definition of what is slutty or whorish. Since everybody has a different idea of what that means. Most of us, on the other hand, are on a spectrum. And as I was saying a moment ago, it really depends on who's exciting you and who's igniting you. The things you'll do with one particular boyfriend might be insanely erotic. Compared to what another girl does with several people. So is there actually a way for you to say that, well, that girl had sex with X amount of guys per day or per week or per month. Therefore, this unequivocally makes her a whore. Or this specific quantity equals a slut. How can you say it? You can't. For me, this is making someone else feel guilty or shame for their own actions or choices that you deem to be wrong.
[00:10:27] If a girl is traveling from country to country. Let's say she's just on some big European tour. And she just graduated college. She's single, she's very peppy and full of life. And every few weeks she's visiting someplace new. Let's say every country, she sleeps with someone new. So she has sex six times in six months or ten times in six months. In terms of making someone feel bad or judging them, do you really have a say so? No. Everybody thinks their Mother Teresa. When they are the ones who are pointing the finger. So naturally there are people who are more promiscuous than you, less promiscuous than you. But who has the rulebook? Who gets to decide what is and what isn't slutty? And just as an additional example, to bolster onto this, what happens if we globally decide that the one thing that makes a woman a whore is if she has more than, what, ten partners a month? And yes, I'm aware that's a lot. What happens if it's eleven? Instant condemnation. Does she go to hell? Does she not pass go and not collect $200? What if she had sex with several men in one week, but they only numbered nine? Is she an innocent angel? Does she avoid condemnation in this case, because the magic number is ten? There's simply no number. There's just what you believe to be inappropriate or wrong.
[00:11:42] So to me, it's critically important for people to let go of this idea of judging a woman as being slutty or whorish or too loose or too easy. Obviously there are exceptions when someone might be labeled a sex addict. Or embodying the literal definition of a prostitute. But men do the same thing as well.
[00:12:00] Anyhow, let's move back into the subject we were talking about earlier. Talking about how women can often be support systems for one another. When they want their girlfriends to have sex. Girls always want to make sure that their girlfriends are getting enough sex. And isn't that interesting? Isn't it interesting that so many women and men judge women on their promiscuity, when in fact, so often girls encourage their girlfriends to have more sex?
[00:12:27] I can't even begin to tell you how many times with my own eyes I've watched another woman almost downright force or pressure another one of her girlfriends to get laid, even if it has to happen right in front of her and with her watching. How and where does this happen? At brunches, at yoga retreats, on vacation, in Hawaii, in Mexico, late at night, if she's the bridesmaid, if it's her last hurrah. And certainly don't let me forget about exotic places like nightclubs, the Playboy Mansion, Las Vegas, perhaps the UAE, all gatherings, all get togethers, all music festivals, and especially whenever drugs and alcohol are involved.
[00:13:02] So all of this to say that if you've got hangups around sex or around quantity of sex, it's possible to shift your beliefs into something a little more fun, adventurous and involved.
[00:13:13] Almost everybody's having sex. Almost everybody's taking part in it. We just don't reveal it so much. And women know better than anybody else how exactly how secretive you can be about it.
[00:13:24] All right, so that concludes our section on languaging. Let's dive into more of what's possible with just being a woman. Now. Absolutely. Men are capable of doing these things as well. The episode just happens to be about women. So I certainly could, for some of these, substitute the word people. But we are talking about what a woman's body is capable of, what a woman is capable of doing. So let's dive into that, because sometimes when you do refer to a woman, there are a lot of misconceptions about what she may or may not be able to do.
[00:13:54] Let's continue talking about what's possible by exploring a few very unique scenarios. You might consider some of this to be the shadow side of female sexuality, although it's quite possible for a man to do it as well. But whether you're a man or woman, see if you're able to recognize any of this behavior within yourself or your partners. It's possible for a woman to be head over heels in love with her partner, have absolutely incredible sex with him, and then almost in the same breath, instantly be attracted to someone else. In fact, she may still want to have sex with someone else, and regrettably, whether we like it or not, still go have sex with someone else. People aren't always honest, or they aren't truthful in how they actually act outside of the relationship or outside of the bedroom or with other people on a daily basis. Some people are self professed flirts. And what is a flirt, after all, if not someone who's sending out the signal of I want you or I want you to want me? Some people might deny that fact, but their actions are very different. And some people keep a lot of their behavior under wraps. So I think it's really important, if men are listening to know what's possible exactly. So that hopefully you don't wind up being hurt or shocked if you discover that your partner is also capable of something like this. There's nothing inherently wrong about what I'm about to list out. Obviously, a woman can do exactly what she wants with her life and body, just like a man can. But if you're emotionally involved with her, if you're her boyfriend or husband, or you've been dating, or it's new, and you don't understand why she went and did something with someone else, it's important for you to know that these things are possible.
[00:15:30] So it's possible for a woman to have sex with a new man only seconds after meeting him and enjoy it. It's quite possible for a woman to break up with you, and then days, hours, sometimes even minutes after doing so, go and have sex with someone else and enjoy it. It's possible for a woman to be exploring and enjoying sex with 12345 plus men at the same time. You might catch a woman at a particular moment where most of her life she's been held back and repressed, and now she wants to be free. And perhaps you're the lucky one she wants to have sex with. Next on her escapade of adventures. It's possible for a woman to be hurting about someone else, or you for that matter, deeply. Or it's possible for her to be hurting about a breakup or an argument and to go have sex with someone else, because new suitors just love to fuel the fire of, well, where is your boyfriend now? And I would never treat you that way. And if I was your boyfriend, I would never leave your side. Now let's just go ahead and get those panties off. I'm laying all of this out to say anything is possible sexually. If it's possible, people have done it and likely continue to do it. Some of us are just wired to be monogamous. Some of us are absolutely not. And no matter how much conditioning there is, there's something within us that beckons for us to be with other people. In fact, I find a woman's ability to go be with other men so quickly and instantly, so prevalent that almost everyone I know has experienced it on some level. And you can justify it however you'd like, qualify it however you like. But the fact of the matter remains, no matter who it's happening to, it's extremely painful. So, moving right along, it's also possible for everything to be perfect in your relationship. And one of your partners can still want more. It's possible for a woman to know a man for an unbelievably short period of time. She can know nothing about him, no details, and in some cases, not even his name. And she might have known him for less than a few hours, less than a few minutes, and even less than a few moments before she's ready to have sex with him. And I'm not talking about prostitutes and porn stars or those types of women. It's possible for countless women to do this. An unquantifiable number. What it comes down to is simply someone's level of attraction, their excitement level, their circumstances, where they are and what turns them on.
[00:17:49] Many women are very comfortable with the idea, much to men's chagrin, that they can have anyone who they want at almost any given time. If a woman deems herself to be even relatively attractive, she knows what kind of power she holds over men, or anyone for that matter. And even if you're in a marriage where you wonder if you're still attractive to other people, even if you haven't gotten out there in a really long time, or you walk around and you don't quite think that people would go for you, plenty of people will go for you. Even if it just winds up being a physical connection on the heels of wanting and desire. This probably allows us to transition into our next subject, which is wetness. I think both sexes will be very familiar with the idea of. Well, I don't want to say dryness because it's never really dry down there, but the idea that most women are going to require some form of warm up. You're going to turn them on like an oven. They're going to need some form of love connection, touching, kissing, caressing. Other times, women get turned on and excited, or feel more comfortable and safe by just knowing random stuff about you, like where you're from. And if you get along with your parents and all these sort of questions that helps them build safety and comfort. Other times still, it's emotional involvement or a physical connection. And of course, sometimes it's just being skin on skin. All of this to say that if a woman isn't ready for you, her body shows you in no uncertain terms by not getting wet or said differently, drying up. I think most of us are familiar with this. If she's not turned on, if she's not excited, most women are not going to get wet. There are exceptions for sure, but that's what we're used to seeing. However, there are other possibilities as well. Just for your reference, there are some women who walk around soaking, dripping wet, all day, every day, and are always, almost always willing to have sex at a moment's notice. Not necessarily with anybody. But in many cases, these women are willing and ready to have penetrative sex, where if they like you and you're ready to go, you can just slide right in. It's almost as if their bodies are constantly in a heightened sexual state or they're always turned on. So we all know how women want to feel, special and unique and rare, like they're the only ones who exist on the planet for you. But women who possess this particular, you might say, quality or ability of being wet and ready at a moment's notice makes it so that no man can actually be special himself, because they're ready in an instant, just like a man. And it doesn't matter specifically who it is for some women, as long as that need is getting fulfilled. If you ever come across this type of woman who's always ready, it can be fun for a guy because it often doesn't require any type of warm up or foreplay. You can just get down to business. There's another caveat here, however. This same type of woman who's always ready and always wet, it is possible for her also to present in a way where she's ready down there, but mentally, she's actually not in the mood. She might not be in the mood for sex at all, or she might not be in the mood for sex with you. Even though you know her to have a very high or voracious appetite. She could be willing to have sex, but not wanting to have it with you. So that means her body can be giving you signs that it's ready for sex, but mentally, she's not there because she feels uncomfortable. So what do you do? And what part of her should you listen to? Of course, if there's any kind of no involved, any kind of blocking or negation of sex continuing, you got to listen to that first. Then there's one of my absolute most favorite phenomenons. And that's the idea of getting a woman wet or soaked simply by your presence, just by being next to her, sometimes just by being in the room with her. This means that there's something about your masculine energy that is such a turn on for her that she gets wet and is ready for sex before you even touch her, and in very special cases, before you even say anything to her. For me, there's something very attractive about a man not pining after a woman, but a woman pining after him. I think that can actually really set up the right kind of sexual dynamic. Yes, I'm aware that how it's worked for eons is women loving the attention they're getting from men and then the feeling that comes from him not being able to have enough or he ravishes you. I get that. But part of my reasoning behind enjoying a woman wanting it more is because most women actually enjoy sexual tension. They don't mind if it builds and builds and builds.
[00:22:32] Men, however, like to expend it right away. We don't like to let it build. We don't want it to simmer. We just get that feeling, and we've got to turn that cherry out. Many women, on the other hand, are actually comfortable lingering in a state of arousal. The more, the better, the more tension, the better. The more you can let it build, the better and more excited she feels. And this is such a foreign concept for men because building up too much tension, we just want to let it explode out, and we can actually experience physical pain by not expressing our sexuality. Blue balls is, in fact, a very real thing. Women, on the other hand, can let it build and build and build.
[00:23:09] I may have told you about my Eastern European ex from another podcast who would just love to spend time sitting right in the middle of desire and not taking action. She loved it. And as ridiculous as this sounds, she used to call me because she lived in Malibu and I was in Studio City at the time, and she would exclaim, oh, I miss you so much. I can feel it. I love it. I love to miss you. No joke. She would go on and on with these loving and descriptive adjectives about how much she adored missing me and wanting to see me, but not actually getting in her car and driving the hour to do it, or vice versa. So I'd play along. I'd say, oh great, I miss you so much too. I'll see you in an hour, Sonica. I'll come to you. Oh no.
[00:23:52] I love to want you, my love. I love feeling the desire. I would say, come satisfy the desire. Absolutely not yet. And so sometimes a week would go by in between us seeing each other, and she would allow this tension to build up before we'd finally have regular, great connected sex. It's a bit of an extreme and funny example, but doesn't it perfectly illustrate a woman's comfort around tension, the buildup, teasing and arousing? I think so, too.
[00:24:20] All right, let's get a little more exotic. It might be the case that your particular build, your body structure, may not enjoy certain types of sex or intimate activity, and it might be the case that you find it particularly painful or undesirable. Or it might be the case that you just have, for lack of a better phrase, a mental block or something that bothers you about the idea of it, or thinking about it makes you feel really dirty, nasty, slutty, trashy. You can pick your choice of derogatory words that you may have for yourself if you see yourself in a position that you don't like.
[00:24:57] So, as we move into this next subject, I invite you to have awareness around the idea that if you believe you don't like something, whether that's because you think it's physiologically not possible or it mentally turns you off, and you are open to the idea of trying it, or you're open to trying it with someone who you really like, it really is possible to transform yourself.
[00:25:17] One of the most amazing things that a woman's body is capable of is you can either mentally or physically go from really, really disliking something to loving it. You can go from a total no and without anyone pressuring you, change your mind and suddenly fall in love with a new activity. But you're not going to know that if you don't have an open mind and a willingness to explore the subject deeply, or take a good look at your belief systems and what's at play there to see if you can move past them.
[00:25:48] Don't feel bad if your body's not capable of experiencing something in the moment, but also don't stay so closed off that you're not willing to explore what's possible. A limiting belief or something that's blocking you could be something that you were told. It could be something that a boyfriend or a partner or a parent made you feel shame about a long time ago. There's no need to carry that around. You can peel back all these old layers and discover a form of pleasure you never knew was possible before just because a thought was holding you back. A woman's body is very, very adaptable. And obviously I've been referencing a subject that's very light and fun for everyone to try called anal sex.
[00:26:26] Plus, I know the truth about how most of you really feel about it. On the one hand, we have women who feel shame, guilt and disgust about even thinking about having anal sex. You even broach the subject and she's already wincing in her face. That is one way only one guy tried it on you 15 years ago and you absolutely hated it. And now you're never ever going to let anyone try this on you again. Some places in the world even still have laws against sodomy. So clearly many people still are highly against it. Then we've got those of you who fall right in the middle. And I really've got this belief that most people, single or in relationship, have tried this at one point or another, but not with someone who has the right level of care, trust, nurturing and presence to make it an exquisite experience.
[00:27:14] With that said, it's story time. Once upon a time, I was having sex with a new girl who was about to become my future girlfriend. We were together for a really long time and this was someone who I love very much. It was someone who, we saw each other three, four times a week. We actually had really incredible, powerful sex together. So it was our first time and we were really enjoying the experience. We were kind of joking with each other back and forth as we were doing it. There were a lot of smiles. At a certain point I playfully said to her, if you keep it up, I'm going to put it in your ass completely expecting her to flush, turn red, maybe make a face and let me know how. It's one way only. And INstead she turned around and looked at me and said, I'm down with that. Go ahead.
[00:27:58] I think I fell in love right there. At first, though, it really took me off guard. I mean, of course, in the end we had to. Well, you know what we had to do. But I shared this story with you for a very particular reason. Not to get you into anal sex, but it illustrates a turning point, a crux, a place that can be a really big sticking point for men. And I glossed right over it in the story. But that's when men are taken off guard by what their female partner wants sexually. Especially if your partner is ready for something before you are. Such as in this example. Sometimes other men can get really, really funny, to put it mildly. And unfortunately, men have a tendency to react poorly rather than to respond in an inspiring way. Sometimes men will get defensive, and sometimes they'll say things that they don't mean when they're faced with being taken off guard. Now, all people have that unfortunate quality within us, but men, check this out. If a woman is ready to do something before you are, or surprises you with her readiness to do something, especially sexual or intimate, and it takes you off guard, how you choose to respond to that is of critical importance. It's really important not to shame. And often men's first response is to make the woman feel bad because they're shocked or surprised or they weren't expecting it. So in doing that, especially if you're going to spend more time with this woman, it's likely she'll never be that open again, or she'll be a lot more cautious about being that open with you in the future. If you say something rude, mean, or off putting, she'll never forget your commentary. That's also, by the way, for women to work on. You don't need to hold on to everything a man says that's negative to death to you part, or somehow let the positive stuff dissipate. You can let some of that negative crap go or understand that we don't always say everything that we mean. I'm reminded of a conversation I recently had with a girlfriend where over three or four minutes, I laid out this entire story, praising her, complimenting her, telling her all the things I appreciated about her. And there were three critical things in there. And she summed the entire conversation up by saying, so basically what you're saying is this, this and that. I was just dumbfounded. I was aghast. It's like, how do you hear four minutes of positivity? But what your brain hears is only the critical stuff. So, yes, of course, no one should be saying overtly mean things to begin with, but we also don't need to internalize them so much.
[00:30:17] Anyhow. If a woman says something to you or offers you something sexually, or wants to move forward in a sexual way that you're not ready for, it's actually really important for you to embrace what she has to say. You don't have to do it, but embracing it can make her feel heard.
[00:30:33] And this raises another little caveat that would be great to slip in right here. Women are actually very capable of making the first move, very capable of asserting themselves. Most men, in fact, do want sex most of the time. Yes, it's true, you are capable of aggressing and making yourselves available. But you've got to know that the way you usually go about doing that what you think making yourself available is, or making the first move is, or being really obvious to a guy that you want him. For men, that is so, so unbelievably subtle that for most people it goes right under the radar or right over their heads. Now, I certainly have my opinions on whether women can be a little more obvious or not, or try a little harder or be a little more overt. They can, and certainly how men can be more sensitive in reading those cues and trying to see what she's trying to convey. But here's why I bring this up. For the most part, you get one shot if she's making the first move or if she's aggressing. I hate saying this, and I really don't like that women are like this, and I believe you can work on it and change and continue to put yourselves out there, but it really feels like you get one shot if you flinch as a man, if she puts her hand on your leg and you pull your hand back and retract, or you do anything remotely strange or odd that might make her feel like she's being rejected, if your body language suggests that you're not interested, she shuts down like a clam and pulls way, way back and most likely will never do that again because God forbid she experiences any rejection.
[00:32:11] So women are always trying to read the signs, see what's there, feel into you, find out if you're into her or not. I'll often say that women hate to dip their pinky toe into the well of rejection, so it's very unlikely that she's going to put herself in a position to look bad or be rejected or keep aggressing. Once you've done something, that, in her mind, means she's been rejected more than once. So that's why with my in person or online coaching practice, I offer a process called deep listening. It's for both men and women, and it allows you to see beyond what your eyes are seeing initially. It allows you to go deeper and read her subtle signs and cues and respond appropriately rather than having a reaction. This way, you won't miss any of the cues and you can enjoy how sweet it can be when a woman wants to turn you out.
[00:32:59] For the ladies listening, listen, this is one of those places where I really believe you can do so much better when you hear me say something like, men have one chance to read you, or to get you, or to pick up on your body language, and that's it. Or they have one chance to pick up on your cue that is so subtle and so unique to you. And you know how different you are from all those other girls. You know that all women's subtlety is not the same. Every woman believes deep down that her signs are somehow blatantly obvious to men. But that couldn't be farther from the truth. So do you want to be thought of as the kind of girl who is like, yeah. Well, I gave him one chance and he didn't get it. So he's never going to get it again, ever. I don't deserve this. I deserve Better. And he should be able to know. He should have seen it. He should have seen it coming. Is that really how it works? How many loves of your life might you have missed out on simply by having that approach? And I also want to bolster onto that, that it's, to me, the wrong approach to think, well, if he doesn't get it, then he's not worth my time. Or if he can't read me, then it's not worth it. Not true at all. Absolutely not true at all. How does any of that behavior benefit anyone, including you? Really? What's at the root of it is your insecurity or your fear of being rejected. You don't want to look bad, be turned down or be into a guy if you think he's not responding well to you. But if you can learn anything from us men, sometimes a little tenacity and perseverance can yield incredible rewards.
[00:34:27] I, for one, find it very attractive when a woman makes it a little more obvious that she's interested and demonstrates her desire for me. All of this to say that it's possible for you to be mentally held back from experiencing the greatest pleasure you've ever known, or from meeting the man of your dreams, or from having some sort of experience that you never knew was possible. And all it takes is a mental shift or a new decision, a choice to behave differently.
[00:34:55] Anyhow, getting back to the third type of woman there is when we're talking about anal sex, from Once upon a time, I saved the best for last. You would be shocked and amazed by how many women love, adore and live by having anal sex.
[00:35:11] Why? Because it can be one of the most hot, erotic, intense, unbelievably pleasurable orgasms you will ever feel. And I am not exaggerating, of course. I respect that that may not be anatomically possible for some women, or your partner's just way too big, or you're just way too little. But for most of you, the way to do it if you have someone who's patient with you, who works it in slow and at your pace, who knows how to be still while you relax around it. If this person can start softly and slowly with their finger, and they have your best interest in mind, you can and will have some pretty mind bending experiences. Listen, friend to friend. I have never in my life seen a woman have a more beautiful or intense orgasm than when she's having one induced by anal sex. Every single time I've witnessed this, without fail, the end result can only be described as earth shattering orgasms. There is something that happens that it's almost difficult to describe, but the way it will make even your face contort with a strange combination of shore, a little bit of pain sometimes, but usually overwhelmed by pleasure. From everything that I can tell and everything I've heard from feedback from women, it's like nothing they've experienced before. Now, just for the record, I'm not a connoisseur of anal sex. It's not one of my fetishes or my favorite things to do. But it is story time again. A few years back, I had a girlfriend who was completely opposed to it. It's not that I was pushing for it or asking for it, but I just had this really strong knowing that it was not for her. But I think somehow, through having a brief talk about it and her just realizing that the one time she tried it was because she was with someone who she wasn't really into and he wasn't patient with her. And there was a whole litany of things that went wrong. She had a willingness to try it. And so the first several times, very carefully, very slowly, gently, delicately, lovingly, patiently, we got there. And then, just as I described, like Disney fireworks, her first couple of orgasms like that were unbelievable. It was incredible to see, and I can only imagine even more exquisite to experience. Of course, it took a couple of times for her to get comfortable around it, to feel, okay, are we putting down a towel? Are we using lube? What's the protocol? Are we dimming the lights? Once you get the necessary formalities out of the way, this just opened up a whole new world for her. So much so that sometimes she, in particular, actually wound up craving it more than having sex. Or sometimes the very woman who was not having it, who wanted nothing to do with it, was telling me, can we do it the other way now? Can you put it in there now? Okay, it's time. Even though we had an explosive, unbelievable sex life, I mean, both of us could say right up there with the best sex we've ever had. It was unbelievable. Still, it was almost as if I could sense that that pleasure or that feeling wasn't enough. She wanted something more. If I had a dollar for every time that she said, can you please just put it in my. Now? Yeah, I'd have a lot of dollars.
[00:38:19] All right. That was a very intense subject. Thank you. To those of you who were able to sit through it, despite it possibly being uncomfortable to listen to. Let's talk now about what it's like for women who consider themselves to have a very low sex drive or almost demonstrate some form of asexuality. Because sometimes some people are just not oriented towards sexuality. Nevertheless, we are, of course, all still human, and everybody needs love and attention of some sort. So while some women who may not be fulfilling their desires directly through sex or through overtly being sexual, it doesn't mean that if you come across a partner like that, that they don't want love, kisses, connection, cuddles, or just to have you be in the room while they're working on their homework.
[00:39:04] It's really actually rather fascinating. Because people with a low sex drive could be anyone. You would have no idea unless they told you or showed you that that's how they are. Looks don't seem to matter either. They could be drop dead gorgeous or average in appearance, but somehow they fall more on the asexual spectrum. There are women in the world who have incredible figures, large, round breasts and luscious hair, and super exotic. You might think to yourself, oh, my gosh. This woman may look like one of the most sexual creatures in the world to you, but yet her experience personally, she may not be craving any type of sexual attention at all.
[00:39:40] What then does it look like to Spend time with a woman who is oriented in this way? Often what winds up being the case is that a woman who craves things other than sex really just enjoys good quality time or company, or just their own company when they're by themselves. They might enjoy physical activities or just being outdoors. Sometimes they enjoy working hard on a craft that involves their body or are extremely dedicated to a very physical discipline. They may even look sexier sexual doing it and still not feel sexual. Some dancers and circus performers and actors aren't very sexual people. To give you an example of what this might feel like for you, consider a relationship that's already been through its honeymoon phase. Maybe you've even had a relationship like this where it's been a few years. You're very comfortable with each other. You're not constantly seeking, trying, or even wanting to have sex with one another. You're just coasting. And often this is what a nonsexual or asexual person winds up craving, which often just looks like companionship. But they crave this from the beginning. They crave companionship, friendship, closeness. It's like that moment when love takes a larger priority in the relationship over lust. So now, even if this person is on a first, 2nd, third date, the idea of, say, reading a book together, even in the same room, is extremely pleasurable for her. Just knowing that their partner is there, cooking or sharing a meal together, even sharing real forms of intimacy. Certainly cuddling, kissing, caressing and massaging could be present. But the sex, the sexuality, just doesn't take priority in relationships like this.
[00:41:19] There are many reasons why a woman might feel this way or be born this way, whether it's the way she's brought up or religious beliefs. In fact, that's usually where I often see this come out the most. It actually takes a very particular and special kind of man to be able to spend time with a woman like this. He either has to have a very low sex drive himself, or be someone who's extremely patieNt, or who has the long, long game in mind, or he's got to be able to put his energies and focus elsewhere. But nevertheless, occasionally, even women like this can have their switch flipped on. They are, after all, human. If you're gentle enough and your approach is soft enough, you can have them craving you and wanting you. You can actually have them want to have sex with you. Whereas for the last month or three or the year, they may have never wanted it. You may even discover through this process that she has tastes that are darker or richer or other than what you have, including being tied up, different forms of bondage, different forms of aggression, different forms of intensity. So especially here, really important that you remember what we talked about earlier. Men, when it comes to them shocking you with their desire. If you have a woman who's already closed down, already not sexual, and she opens up sexually around you and she wants to try some wild stuff and it freaks you out, you're going to wind up shutting her down even further. I really do have a strong belief that we are all fundamentally sexual beings. For the most part, none of us can help it. For sure. Some of us have a stronger sex drive than others. But one thing stands the test of time. We are all going to be sexual. It's a biological need. You can try to reduce it, you can try to repress it, as we discussed before, but it's going to squelch out in other areas if you don't let it run free. And we all have certain social standards, ways of behaving properly in society, decorum that makes us feel different from other animals or different from other people who we consider animals. But those desires are there. So very important not to box people into your own belief systems. Even supersexual people are going to have days where they're not in the mood for sex at all. And of course, as we just discussed, asexual or nonsexual people are going to have these strange moments where they're like, oh, my God, I think I need to have sex right now for men, if you're listening, I want to take a moment to issue a little bit of caution. If you are interacting with a woman like this, someone who's, of course, anytime someone establishes a boundary with you or a no, it needs to be honored. But especially in this case, this is the kind of woman where you really, really need to be aware of her boundaries. You got to be sensitive to what's important to her. And you can do this by honoring her personal space, not being too forceful or overly aggressive, or trying to push affection onto her, such as hugs or closeness or intimacy. It might be very easy for you to think to yourself, well, all my friends, my entire community, we all act this way. Why would she act differently? Or why should I not show her the same level of love? But you have to think twice. It can be really helpful to just dial everything back, like, way more than you'd think.
[00:44:34] Why? Because oftentimes, many women, if not most women, but especially these women, don't know how to say no.
[00:44:44] They don't know how to establish a firm boundary. And some women don't know how to speak up for themselves sometimes. They don't know how to set their own boundaries because they really do enjoy being with you. They like you as a person, and oftentimes you will want to have sex with them, so they might want to do it for you or to make you happy. So this leaves them feeling like that's what they're supposed to do. And this is very dangerous territory. Have you ever said to yourself, after having sex with someone, I did it because that's what I thought I was supposed to do, or that's what he wanted, and I was okay with it, but I didn't want it.
[00:45:21] It's really not healthy, in my opinion, to go through a sexual act with someone who doesn't want to do it, but they're doing it for you. This goes for all genders but women. All you have to do is put yourself in a man's shoes. Would you ever want a man to have sex with you out of pity? Of course you don't. There's another great two part series episode that we do called, simply put, how to say no. We go deep into all the different ways you can say no. All the different levels of rejection, what physical rejection looks like, what verbal rejection looks like. And if this type of work is captivating to you, it's worth a listen.
[00:45:57] It's really important for everyone to learn how to speak your mind, to listen to your body, to honor yourself on the inside, and then to be able to articulate with words, real, direct words, so you can express what's okay, what's not okay. And when it's time to simply say no, they often recommend for men to tune into their female partners way before sex even happens. So you can start to understand what she's like. If she shuts down, if she gets too shy or quiet. You can notice if she tenses up, gets tight, if she's really still or quiet, or if she just stops responding in the usual way that she does. I personally would never want to go through with having sex with someone just because she's allowing it or letting it happen. I would make it my goal to find out the kind of intimacy that she wants to give rather than what she'll allow you to do to her. Such a big difference. For more cues on deep listening and how to tune into what a woman wants, please listen to the episode how to go down parts one and two.
[00:47:01] I know so many women can relate to this. Men, you could be having sex with a woman right now, her legs open, she's actually wet, and everything may seem to be fine. She could be right there having sex with you and at the same time not wanting to do it at all. So, of course, these are the kind of moments that we want to try to avoid at all costs for both of our benefits and give women the gift of not having sex, and they don't want to be having sex.
[00:47:27] It sounds so simple and easy. It sounds obvious, but it's not. I don't think this type of sacrifice is necessary. I mean, I've certainly done it. I've had sex with my partners because she's wanted to or she's begged for it or asked for it. And the times where I really haven't wanted to do it and I've gone through with it anyway, Even as a man, it just doesn't feel good afterwards. It's almost like a small violation to myself or self harm. And I imagine that for some people, that can feel very large.
[00:47:55] All right, let's round out this episode with some of the juicier things that a woman's body is capable of. It's possible for a woman to have been so entrenched in religious beliefs or childhood beliefs, she might be carrying around the belief that this is how it's always been done, so this is how I do it. And so therefore, sex has never been exciting for her. And in a moment, all of that can shift. Her repression, her nature, her upbringing, everything she knew about it before changed in a moment. Again, this speaks to a woman's incredible malleability. It's possible for a woman to be so regularly aroused and turned on that she has to frequently excuse herself, to secretly go masturbate one, two, three times a day, at the office, at the restaurant, in a private restroom, possibly even in your restroom. She just needs to keep spilling and spilling and spilling out because she's got to satisfy that almost uncontrollable urge. A woman's body is capable of being so turned on that even after satisfying her, and satisfying her, even after you've made her come and come, and you've given yourself the best cardio workout you've ever had, she can still be thirsty for more. She could still want way more. You may find her pressing herself up against your thigh. You might be ready to fall asleep. And she's quite literally rubbing another one out. So are men hornier than women, or are women hornier than men?
[00:49:23] I definitely think a woman's capacity to feel and the very nature of how sex is set up, the way it's so intimate and so curious, and it makes me think that a woman's desire for sex is equally as strong, if not more so, than a man's.
[00:49:38] Men. You just don't experience it the same way with women because they don't aggress. And frankly, I think men are having a lot less sex if you're single, unless you're one of the few who's able to do it with most of the women. So a woman's desire often presents as a lot more subtle. They often feel societal pressure to be a certain way. They want to appear angelic, soft and delicate, ladylike, kind, clean, sweet, and smell like roses. Lady in the streets.
[00:50:06] It's possible to get a woman, so to use a particular expression, come drunk that you don't even recognize her. And what that means is that you can make her come so much or so hard or so intensely or so often or so deeply that her entire identity steps aside and what I like to call her erotic creature comes out. Her erotic creature has been inside of her all along, except sometimes she didn't know it was there. You certainly didn't know she was there. But once it comes out, good God, does the look change in her eyes and in her mouth and in her physiology? It completely changes her desires of what she thought she wanted to do. And now what she really needs to do. It's like a complete transformation. When a woman has come drunk or drunk from coming so much, she, and I use this statement carefully, wants you to do anything to her. It's almost like she becomes yours. It's like giving yourself to someone completely and fully, with all the trust in the world. But you're so unbelievably turned on, you're in an altered state of mind without any drugs or alcohol involved. And to me, being able to see that, create that with her, and draw that erotic, primal creature out of her is such a turn on. It's a turn on for both partners. And it's part of what contributes to having a woman feel and get wet for you on a regular basis, including the times when you haven't even touched her and you haven't said a word.
[00:51:37] It's possible for a woman to have a G spot orgasm. It's possible for a woman to squirt or learn how to. It's possible for a woman to have a deep internal vaginal orgasm. Some women have never squirted before, but learn to discover it later on in life, in their thirty s, forty S or fifty s. Some women can reach orgasm without touching themselves. In other words, just with penetrative sex. We just get into our own patterns and into our heads. It's not that all women need to be able to do this, or men need to know how to get women to do this. Both partners need to be willing to workshop things, to talk about it, to explore it together, to not have it be such a big deal. It's not about making her come in two to ten minutes because you touch a certain spot. There are plenty of ways to get both of you there in a fun way. And sometimes that requires delayed gratification or putting aside the pleasure temporarily while you explore some other options.
[00:52:29] True, deep, passionate, connected, hot, exciting, ravishing sex can be yours. And if you haven't experienced it, give me a call. No, just kidding. If you haven't experienced it. It's important to know that it is still a possibility for you.
[00:52:46] If sex for you has always been about the other person, it's been about your partner, or even if you enjoy sex, but it doesn't leave a lasting impression on you or feel memorable. I hope these episodes have helped you learn what's possible, because sometimes just the knowing is enough to spark the fire.
[00:53:04] Let's wind today's episode down by talking about one of my favorite ways to turn a woman on, which actually happens to be very easy. And that is to not do anything overtly sexual to her at all. You know, with men, you touch us in one spot and we're good to go. Anything short of that just kind of feels nice.
[00:53:25] But for a woman, there are so many other ways you can excite her. You can get her going with your voice, you can excite her just by the way you look at her, the way that you hold her gaze. You can excite her by the way that you carry yourself, the way you stand, the way you're present with her. You can touch her with your fingertips or finger her on any other part of her body other than between her legs.
[00:53:50] One of the simplest, biggest tricks there is to exciting a woman is just avoid touching her between her legs, on her ass or on her chest. In the beginning, sometimes I've been so attracted to my girlfriends in the past. I've told them that amongst other things, their intelligence, their dazzling personality, that just looking at them, just the shape of their body looks like they were made for incredible sex. And connecting sometimes her calves or shape of her arms or slope of her waist, the small of her back or dimples on her butt or nape of her neck, her jawline, her eyebrows. Sometimes these things are so sexy and beautiful to look at, so arousing just to behold. So if you then can find a way to engage with your partner as a whole, a whole being a whole person, teasing out her personality, making her laugh and giggle and exploring her body by appreciating all the other parts that you love so much with your kisses, your love, your attention, your affection, you're going to get her turned on so much faster by avoiding the one place you think you should be touching. Talk to her in your special voice, give her some great eye contact, and suddenly you're unstoppable.
[00:54:57] Speaking of stopping, I think this feels like a really good place to wind this episode down and bring it to a close.
[00:55:04] When I first sat down to record this, I thought I'd be talking about this stuff for maybe ten or 20 minutes, and here we are at over 2 hours. And yet we can talk about so many other things that are possible, so many other things that a woman's body is capable of, and so many other ways to turn a woman on.
[00:55:21] Well, it's been a pleasure, and I look forward to seeing you in the next episode. You've been enjoying the Closeness podcast. Please subscribe to our YouTube channel by visiting Forward Slash Closeness Likes Comments Subscriptions are immeasurably helpful. If you haven't subscribed on iTunes or anywhere else that you're enjoying this podcast, please consider doing so now. If tuning in has got you curious about wanting to be a better person, whether it's enjoying a more vivid, robust quality of life, learning how to share more intimacy with your partner, or learning how to have hotter and better sex, please don't hesitate to reach out to me by visiting our website, getcloseness.com, to support the Closeness podcast. Please consider donating to our Patreon at Slash Closeness or to make a one time contribution via Venmo or cash app. Simply search for at closeness. Thank you for listening and have a great day. You've been listening to the Closeness podcast, your new sexual education. Don't miss the series premiere of season two, coming January 9, 2020. Now stay tuned for intimate thoughts on eating and diet. Coming up next on Closeness.
