Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Welcome to the Closeness podcast, your new sexual Education. We take complex intimate issues and break them down into something you can actually do something with. We'll also teach you how to have, in no uncertain terms, better, hotter sex. If you haven't already, please subscribe to the Closeness podcast on the platform in which you're listening to us. And if you want to follow us on YouTube, please join us at Forward Slash Closeness. If this were has made a measurable difference in your life, you can donate to our Venmo at closeness or join us on Patreon at Forward slash Closeness. Now, are you ready to come closer? Let's get started. Hi everyone. Welcome back. My name is Tari, and today we're taking a very intimate look at what a woman's body is capable of experiencing sexually. The purpose behind creating an episode like this is to inspire all genders to know exactly what's possible and how much fun you can have when you're interacting sexually with a female partner. We'll be breaking the episode up over two parts. This is part one, and if you're loving what you're listening to, please, like, comment or subscribe.
[00:01:04] If by nature you already find yourself to be a very sexual person, a lot of what's contained in this episode may simply make you nod your head in agreement and say, well, yes, of course, I've been like that since as far back as I can remember. But for the rest of us, this will really be an action packed episode to help you understand some really nuanced things that you can discover not only with yourself, but with your partner as well. So for many of you, possibly even millions of you, I recognize that you haven't experienced these things before. Some of what I'm about to share with you may deal with the realm of fantasy. And for others of you, it may just act as a demystification process to learn more about your body and what it can do. The idea then, is to plant a seed, because once you hear something for the first time and you like it, once you see or discover something as possible, then it becomes attainable.
[00:01:53] Now, by its very nature, this is going to be a very sexually charged episode. So listener discretion is advised.
[00:02:00] Let's get started as we take a deep dive into female pleasure. And what happens when you turn a woman on in an exquisitely profound way?
[00:02:08] If you're an active listener, you know from previous episodes, everything that we present and offer here lends itself to being as classy, tasteful, elegant, and sensual as it can be. But also know that when you listen to this, we're going to be getting very, very specific.
[00:02:23] Okay, great. So, to me, sex is one of those loaded words that I speak of all the time, something where everyone knows the definition of it, everyone technically knows what it is, and we all have very specific associations about it. But when you hear people talking about it, we can always say, yes, yes, I know what you mean. I know what you're talking about. But our ideas around sex are radically different from some of the people who we're closest to, some of our friends and family, and also extremely different from what you see on TV and movies. Our personal relationship to sex is just that. It's very personal. So it's a bit of a paradox then, just like when you talk about money, power, love, you know what these things are, but they have their roots so deeply entrenched in so many different subjects, so many emotions, so many different definitions, so many experiences that we've all had when it comes to these singular words, that it's simply impossible for obviously everyone to feel the same way about it, but also to even have the same working definitions of what it means to us individually. For most people, we will never come to any level of agreement on these subjects. There's just what we think, what we feel, and what we believe, and most of that is just based on what we've experienced from our childhood. But we do know the body doesn't lie. And sex exists, like everything on a spectrum. There are people who have had horrible experiences with it and some who have had phenomenal experiences with it. And of course, many of us have had everything in between. Then there's also a group of people who have relatively little or no experience with sex, whether that's because of your culture, how you were raised, religious beliefs, parents, or controlling parents, even a desire to remain celibate, or perhaps even discovering within yourself that you're asexual time after time. What winds up being true, however, is that things that get too repressed, whether it's yourself, your heart, your sexuality, your way in which you express intimacy and care for one another, when something gets too pushed down or stretched back in the opposing direction, it always finds a way of squishing and squeezing its way out somewhere else.
[00:04:39] Because sexuality is so innate for many of us, you can push it down or push it away as much as you want, but it's always going to come back and rear its head. An example that will really illustrate the point clearly, but is also a tragic example. Are the horrible stories you've heard of priests who have taken oaths with God, but then wind up molesting small children. It's an atrocity, but also a very good example of how repressing your sexuality so much causes it to squish out in a very, very unhealthy and disgusting way. Fortunately, that is light years away from the norm. However, hopefully many of us, by the time we become adults, can bring awareness around when we are actually being repressed or when we're doing the repressing ourselves and take action before it becomes something very undesirable. But this can happen in very positive ways as well. It's quite possible to have very poor experiences with sex initially, or be repressed and then become someone who is fully expressed in that regard. In a future episode, you'll hear an interview with a very young girl who had a rather horrific childhood, but somehow, in her getting through it, she's been able to reclaim sexuality for herself and now has a full, vibrant, robust sex life. Okay, so now layering on to what we've been speaking about. Sometimes when you're having sex with someone, you can't quite put your finger on why it's so good. What's making this so incredible? Why does it feel so much better if it's relatively the same thing that you've done with someone else? If you've had sex with more than a handful of people in the past, can you actually put your finger on what specifically makes someone a really great lover? Great sex can come from a number of factors, and we get into all of those things in other episodes in this one as well. But something very interesting often happens for people who have repressed their sexuality for whatever reason, or in some cases have had it repressed against their will. In the case of family or religious practices or beliefs, when someone is finally able to decide or commit to or awaken to the possibility of stepping into their sexuality and becoming more of a sexual being, they actually become really phenomenal lovers, because it's as if all the repression, all the hiding, all the shame associated with sexuality and intimacy, it's like pulling back a rubber band or a slingshot all the way back in the wrong direction. And then when you let it go, it pops sharply and thrusts deeply into the other direction. You might even say it explodes in the other direction for some people. So, point being, people who have had their rubber band snapped, so to speak, are often able to express their sexuality a little bit more passionately. They experience things a little bit more profoundly. Sometimes it seems like they're feeling more or they're into it more or their body is electrified with sensation. They have no problem expressing themselves or getting vocal or being more sexual. And sometimes we're not going to get into it here, but that can also lend itself to some particular types of tastes and desires, or an enjoyment of things being more intense. And because of that, it often winds up being the reason why people think that someone who's been repressed or someone who has, as people like to say, daddy issues, or someone who hasn't allowed their sexuality to blossom but finally does. That's often why people think these people are better lovers. They've really, really opened themselves, or they've experienced the lows, and now they're dedicated to experiencing the highs. At the same time, people who have dedicated themselves to shifting like this, or they've had an awakening or something in them has made them want to step into their sexuality or their empowerment even more. There can often be other layers as well that your partner has to unravel, such as being patient, present, loving, supportive around any triggers that come up or anything that makes them feel less than. Nevertheless, the rewards can often be exquisite. All of this to say that you may find yourself with a female partner who's been through a lot. In some areas, she may be extremely shut down, or it may seem like she doesn't want to go to certain places with you. But with the right level of care, love, and appreciation, you may discover that you have one of the most erotic, passionate, sensual, intimate lovers. Summary Prognosis if you're a woman who believes that she's been repressed or has been shut down or closed off, or religion has really tainted your sexuality, allowing yourself to move in the other direction, fully embracing it, stepping into it, can be one of the most rewarding things for both you and your partner.
[00:09:26] All right, let's move on to concept number two, where we'll explore the idea of sex in marriage. For most people, this is an end all, be all goal, one of the most important things to attain in life, right up there with having children, buying a house, and getting a Tesla. For most of us, it's a big life goal. And while I understand that sex for many people isn't top priority, it is important to most. And it sort of provides the glue for which many relationships stick together. If not, why not just have a friendship? Or why not have many friendships? What differentiates your relationship from all of your other acquaintances? WEll, I would venture to say it's sexuality. It's that connection that you share, that love and that passion for one another. And unfortunately, after speaking to hundreds and hundreds of couples over the last several years.
[00:10:19] Most people, if you zoom in right now, at this moment in their life, and you're able to examine how their sex life is, you'll see it's either completely absent, in shambles, in total disarray, a disaster, or they're just not having it regularly. Maybe it's once every two weeks or once a month, and for many people, once every several months, if that. And that's not even considering whether it's good or not. So many people believe, and rightly so, that sex just dies down once you're married. And at the same time, everybody's trying to get married. And yet, nevertheless, everybody wants to have great sex. On top of all of that, right now, in this moment, most couples do not know how to actually initiate sex with their partner. Or they feel shame or guilt, or they've given up, or they've been rejected too much. Sometimes you just haven't had sex in so long that neither party knows what they should do next. You almost can't remember what it feels like to be sexual, to be erotic, to get your primal side worked up and primed. The last time you had sex in your relationship, was it great, wonderful, passionate, nourishing sex? Were both people satisfied? Was it too rushed? Too quick? Was it just for him or just for her? Were you into it? Were you distracted? Were the kids crying in the other room? Or you were worried they might come in? Or you got distracted somehow? What about how you felt physically? Did you feel unattractive to your partner? Did you feel too big or too small or too bloated? Something just wasn't right with how you felt physically. Did you have angry sex? The funny thing is, we all think we want to arrive to this married place, that that's going to somehow give us more happiness and more fulfillment. Many people believe that getting married somehow solves sexual problems, which is Absolutely preposterous, in the same way that having children is going to solve your relationship and intimacy issues. But many of us believe that we are going to get married, have a partner, we're going to live with them, they're going to take care of us forevermore, we're going to stay in love forever, and great sex is somehow just going to happen over and over again for the rest of our lives. It's just going to be there because. Because we're so in love with one another. Beliefs like this are, unfortunately, due to how convinced we are that romanticism is the way it must be. For many couples, however, sex winds up taking a regular backseat. And sometimes that's okay. That's okay for life to get in the way and other things to come up once in a while. Other times, there is a much bigger picture to consider. Is the person you're with someone you can have a wild, passionate love affair with, or are they actually someone you can have a life together with? Commitment, family emergencies, trauma, pain, friendship, cooking, working, and of course, even closeness.
[00:13:09] Couples wind up not having sex for any number of reasons. Being lethargic, being tired, playing mom, spending too much time at work, being too much in a dominant role in your outside life. Maybe your man doesn't know how to shift you into that arousing mood. Whatever you have going on, the purpose of this episode is to inspire you, to show you what's possible in other women, in other women's bodies and in other relationships, so that you can reawaken some of that dormant passion and bring some of your sexual chemistry back to life. Nothing I'm about to share is meant to make you feel jealous or diminish your experience. It's certainly not to diminish what your body does, how your body or mind works, or how you behave in any way, but rather for you to say.
[00:13:53] If other people have this in their lives, in their bodies, or in their sexual experiences, and other women are being pleasured like this, maybe there's something in there for me. Maybe I can get in on the Fun. And that's the most important point in understanding what a woman's body is capable of.
[00:14:10] If you've been listening to the Closeness podcast for a while, you know, I've got sort of this disdain for trashy or low class behavior. But I do think there is a time to use expletives and call things by their profoundly sexual names, and that can be very hot and exciting. But in delivering this podcast, I want to make sure everyone can hear it. And hearing about these things may not be your cup of tea. It might even be a little shocking or alarming to your system to hear me use certain types of words or terminology and expressions. But let's come back to the fact that I'm sharing with you real experiences with real women in the real world. These aren't the accounts of some random woman who I met once or one of my fantasies or something that a guy told me. If I'm sharing it with you today, rest assured there are thousands if not millions of women on the planet who are built like this, made like this, and think like this. I share this with you ladies, because this could be you. And it could be who you become if you so desire, if you'd like your body to be able to do some of these things. The purpose of everything I share is always pleasure based. Because friends, the years just zoom by. They go right before your eyes. And if you're lucky enough to be able to simply lay naked next to someone who you love, who you can cuddle up to and caress and have an incredible experience with, it's such a gift. And I really want you all to be able to enjoy that.
[00:15:30] Sometimes when you have a good lover, it just feels so abundant, you don't even think about it. Of course, I have sex every day or three times a day where I'm fully satisfied and I have as much sex as I'd like. How do people even have issues with this? Are intimacy issues really a problem? This is the number one question I get asked by people. And the answer is always, yes, of course. And you probably need some help too. So do I. There's always things that need to be worked on. So during the times when you have a great lover, you're probably saying to yourself, everything is going so well. It's just perfect. But these moments are actually very special and rare. In fact, for many, they only last a few weeks, a few months, or even a few years. For most people, they don't continue forever. Something big comes up. Something gets you. It just eats away at you and begins to bother you. Or you have resentment for your partner, or you no longer feel as attractive as you once were, or you stopped working out, or they stop initiating, or you stop initiating, or it feels like the same old thing, or a big life event happened. Something changes in your relationship where the amazing lover who you once had becomes something else. A companion, a friend, a cuddle partner. So why not then, on top of all of the other things that you make time for in your life, all of the things that you indulge in and treat yourself to, whether it's getting your nails done, getting a massage, getting your eyebrows done, getting some threading done, spending time with your girlfriend. Why not also have incredible sex as well? And learn how to ask for it, how to ask for what you like, learn how to explore it, and learn how to open yourself up even more. Especially if you've only had one partner for a very, very long time, or you married a high school sweetheart, or you've just been with someone for 15 or 20 years and now you're single again, or you've been in a long term relationship and you're still with that one person, for women like this, you've only experienced a very, very small percentage of what sex can actually be like. You know, one person's touch and one person's taste. If you're lucky, they know how to satisfy you. But in most cases, these partners are going to satisfy you in one or two or three ways that they've learned to do over the years, and it eventually becomes repetitive and monotonous.
[00:17:38] Some of you may have a type. Let's say you generally have only picked very wealthy men or providers. That's something very specific in common that a lot of women do. That's actually a very specific personality type who may not have anywhere near enough time for you and for your own needs. So if you've only ever had a handful of sexual partners, that can be extremely limiting. Not always, but it can be in terms of your knowledge and skill set and what you know about what your body can do. And then if you tend to attract a very specific type of person, a bad boy, or someone who's too dominant, or someone who's not present, or someone who's always checked out, or someone who reminds you of your dad, then it's likely that you've had very similar types of sex over and over again. And then if you add to the equation that generally men are destination driven or destination oriented, they're trying to get somewhere fast. They have their end goal in mind, I. E. Coming often without even having a desire to understand what the female body needs. Having them listen to this episode and knowing what's possible can be very helpful and healthy.
[00:18:43] Okay, so transitioning into concept number three, the female orgasm. Many women have never had their first orgasm before, and knowing that makes a great jumping off point for a rampage of appreciation. If you've listened to some other episodes, you know that a rampage of appreciation is speaking in a way that finds pure appreciation for whatever object or thing or person or idea that you're talking about. In a way that you can feel it, in a way that you can viscerally sense it, and not just making a list. You'll often hear me say at the beginning of podcast episodes that we provide concrete advice that you can do something with a rampage of appreciation does a lot for your mentality and helping you feel better and be inspired.
[00:19:30] To begin, then, it's possible for a woman to have an orgasm in many different ways. And that in itself is incredible, because as men, we tend to have only one orgasm one way. It's a quick explosion. It lasts a few seconds, and then most people want to go to bed? What then are Some types of orgasms that women can experience? Odly enough, there are some women who are wired just like men. They come once and that's it. They're done. Everything stops. Doors are closed for business. Get off, dismount. And they're ready to move on with their day. Or immediately mentally jump into some other subject. And this is really incredible to witness because obviously, when you're having great sex with a woman, she's very open and receptive and she's there and feeling it and it's so passionate. You build her up and she'll feel this incredible amount of pleasure. You help tip her over into orgasm and then nothing done. The whole thing is over. It's time to put on clothes or cuddle up for a moment and get on with your day. This can happen for a couple of reasons. One reason that men can be sensitive about is the idea that her rubber band may have snapped back in the other direction. All the pleasure got her carried away and wound up in a very, very positive state. But then once she comes and things begin to settle down, she allows, or can't help having feelings of shame, guilt, or some general form of feeling bad creep back in her head and she wants to move on from the subject. She may become a little self conscious, a little embarrassed, or even just a little hyper aware that her body has just shuddered so hard in front of someone else. And other times still, her body is just so sensitive and electric, it needs to relax, retract and cool down.
[00:21:16] Now, on the other hand, it's also possible for a woman to come and come and come and come and come and come and come some more, come again, and come and come and come some more. So much so that men may even begin to wonder if this woman is, in fact, insatiable. The times that I've come across women like this, and I've actually come across quite a few, I'm always left feeling mixed emotions. On the one hand, it's an incredible time and you can just go and go and go and go. But, you know, after, like, orgasm, ten or 15 or 20, you look down at her cock and eyebrow and think to yourself, my God, are we going to continue this way all night? And she's just like, it's no joke, this is serious cardio. But coming across women like this is really great because it really shines a spotlight on the fact that women want and love sex just as much, if not more, than men. It's not that men are the only ones who are so hungry and driven and always looking for it or thinking about it. You guys talk about it, think about it, obsess about it, get curious about it. So women who are wired like this want it all the time, and even more so than many men.
[00:22:29] For most women during sex, you probably would agree you can go for a certain amount of time and then you're done. You get tired, or your body gets tired, or it just doesn't quite feel the same. Maybe you get a little numbed out, or the friction doesn't feel as well, or you dry out, or maybe you're even just too wet. But for many women who have these repetitive orgasms, these sensations can build on top of one another. You build up and then have another orgasm, then build back up and have another and another and another, and they get more and more intense each time. Sometimes that could be extremely exhausting, but other times women find it invigorating. It's very easy to want another and another and another. And if you think to yourself, man or woman, why wouldn't you want another orgasm if it didn't come with the negative side effects of knocking you out or distracting you or making you feel depleted? Women truly have such an incredible gift when it comes to the pleasure that their bodies are capable of. I would love to be able to experience that. And sure, you can say, okay, study tantra, which is very different here in the west than what it's meant to be in India. You can do practices to retain or draw the orgasm up your spine. But nevertheless, I think for not even just the common man, I think for most men on the planet today, sex is not much more than a poultry three or four second orgasm. And then they're done. Unless you've got a lot of testosterone and you can go again and again. But that doesn't last for a lot of people, and it's usually for young men only. Women, on the other hand, can have orgasms in so many different ways. And we'll talk about that later too, the different types of orgasms you can have. But let's talk for a moment about quote unquote trying to make a woman come, or dedicating the entire act of sex around making her come. Even that phrase isn't quite accurate. Making someone come. For most women, sex can really be about the journey, not just the destination, not just about orgasm and coming. And need to be careful here with saying that, because certainly, just like men, often women love to come and need to come. And they are very goal oriented. Like if they get to an orgasm today, that's great, and I understand that. But leaning and moving your entire sexual act around trying to make her come is a pitfall.
[00:24:42] In fact, the more pressure you put on a woman to reach her orgasm, the more difficult it becomes for her to have one.
[00:24:50] This is often because now the focus has been put entirely on her. This could be because she feels too much pressure. She feels like she's being watched or obligated. She might even feel like she has to perform to please you or make you feel good. And I'm sure you can imagine men who are listening to this. If a woman's looking down on you, asking, did you come? Are you there yet? Hurry up. My mouth's getting tired. Can you make it happen? Did you do it? Are you there? It's nerve wracking, and it feels more like you're doing work and labor or like you're doing someone a favor rather than letting it unfold naturally. You hear women say, I just want it to happen naturally. This would be an example of that. Let her come as a result of your presence and your closeness, not as a result of your results driven focus. Simply put, the best wisdom I can give you around this subject is you have to take your attention off of getting her there to help get her there quicker. And alongside of that, I do believe it's important to take care of a woman first and look out for her pleasure. If this isn't obvious to you already, why? Because as a man, it's really a no brainer. Our pleasure is always there, always ready to fire off in a heartbeat. So it really does make sense in this case to just let ladies go first. In the future, I want to create some episodes based on men's pleasure. In fact, there is a great episode you can listen to called how to properly have sex with a man. It actually focuses on a man's pleasure and teaches you about things that make him feel good other than just sex and oral sex. Because I feel like that's something that gets really overlooked when you're with a caring, loving partner who's really interested in your pleasure. All of this to say, enjoy the journey, enjoy the moment, enjoy these precious moments with your partner, instead of just having her have this five second, 32nd wave of pleasure. Personally, I believe if you savor what's happening now, if you're dedicated to being present, you're going to have better memories in the future about what that was like. You'll be able to recall it more and share those moments more. Rather than just that, you put in work to make her come.
[00:26:50] Now, if you're someone who in the past has had trouble reaching an orgasm or you haven't had one yet, it may sound a little counterproductive. But I think it's important to take yourself off the hook, to not put so much pressure on yourself for why it hasn't happened or what is wrong with you, or if you need to do something different. Sometimes it's just the partner involved, sometimes it's your chemistry, sometimes it's because your partner doesn't know what they can do to unlock your pleasure. And sometimes it's because you haven't explored that together yet. Other times still, it could just be one little shift in the way you're able to relax or think about something, or use a toy, or have a different partner, or ask a request from your partner or spouse, there's often one little thing that can make a big difference.
[00:27:31] There's a lot we can do to help get you there, and that's actually one of the aspects of closeness coaching. Whether you come alone or with a partner, it's nothing sexual. Clothes always stay on, and of course everything is consent based. But sometimes just through talking about it or exploring it mentally, using diagrams or explaining in a way that you can visually see what's going on really makes a big difference for helping you unlock that sacred part of yourself. If you decide that's something you want some help with, just contact me through our website, getcloseness.com or our Instagram. Get closeness as well. After all this talk about not being destination oriented, I do want to emphasize that when the time actually comes for her to come, you do in fact want to have the destination in mind while you're giving her your undivided attention. So if that orgasm sensation starts rising up in her, that's where you really want to tune in. It's where what I like to call deep listening should take over to learn more about what deep listening is all about. There's an episode called how to properly Go down on a woman, part one and two, which can also help spill you over into orgasm. The idea is to move with her, her breath. Each stroke becomes about what her body needs and is craving. You're helping her get there by focusing on her orgasm and tuning into what she needs.
[00:28:47] As I think about it, this would probably be a great time to give a little aside about the shadow side of female orgasms as they pertain to the male ego. If you're a man who prides yourself regularly on making a girl come take a moment to ask yourself, why are you doing this specifically?
[00:29:06] Are you actually doing it for her? Really? Really? Is it really out of the kindness of your heart that you are giving so selflessly to your partner when you make her come? Or can you tell if it's just an ego boost? Do you do it for your own personal achievement, or do you enjoy making women come because you're actually connected with another human being? See, women sometimEs. Again, even a man who's destination oriented, he wants to make you come. He's trying to make you come. You want to come. All of this can impede you actually coming. It's really beautiful to make a woman come. It's one of the greatest things in the world. But understanding the place that it's coming from, is it because it's your own selfish desire and satisfaction, or are you doing it with her?
[00:29:49] Let's chat now for a little bit about length of time and how long it may take for a woman to reach orgasm. So this section is also for women who've had a challenging time getting there, or who have only ever had one, or think that they've had one before. Bearing in mind what we spoke about earlier, where there's no shame or no guilt, no problem with how long it takes you, it is possible, and there are women out there who can actually come within seconds. Some women are so on the verge of orgasm at all times of the day that it only takes a brush or a stroke and they're almost ready to spill over. And some women can even reach orgasm without being touched down there. But if you're someone who takes a little bit longer or even a lot longer, there's nothing wrong with you. It's not globally a bad thing. But of course, let's call out the pink elephant in the room. Wouldn't everybody love if it happened quicker? Sure, definitely. And wouldn't it be great if you got to know yourself so well that you were able to make it happen quicker? Absolutely. But it's not a problem. And there's nothing wrong with you. After all, who exactly defines what the right or proper amount of time is for a woman to come? Do you? Does he? Does a partner? Is it a magic number, like seven minutes or two minutes? Who would define that? And what would be the reason why that would be the right number? So it takes how long it takes. On some level, we have to recognize that we are where we are and find an acceptance around this before stepping into the next level, rather than just wishing we were different, hoping we were different, or getting down on ourselves for being different. Acceptance can often be the transformational piece to help get you there. Sometimes it's going to be the case that your physiology, the way you're made, is what's going to be responsible for the level of pleasure you experience, how many orgasms you can have, how you experience your orgasms. But with acceptance, finding a way to get to your orgasm or to new levels of your orgasm is possible. It could be something as simple as shifting your breathing to belly breathing. It could be working on being less shy or finding more comfort in yourself. You might discover it by practicing with masturbating in front of your partner and telling him what you need or what you like, or just having him watch you from time to time so that you can build comfort with orgasms and coming in front of him if it's something that you're able to do by yourself. I find women are often able to come easier when they can trust more, when they're able to be more vulnerable or open with their partner. It also can be largely dependent on a partner who can hold that kind of space for you, where you can be that vulnerable, that open, and that seen. And not only is that okay, but it's very desirable as well. If you're with a partner who just bangs the hell out of you, or who just pounds you, or who always wants to do it from behind the way he likes, with really hard thrusts, how are you possibly going to come? Unless you happen to be one of those few girls who comes that way, or we whip out your vibrator? Now there's a very particular thing that happens when you're going through this experience with a woman. Not when you're a doctor who's talking about it or studying it. Not when you're looking at it from a distance, not when you're watching a YouTube video about it. You could write all the papers you want on a subject, but when you're actually seeing what happens to a woman or what she goes through in the real world, it makes a difference. That's part of the reason why I can share all of this information with you todaY, and also part of the reason why I'm a big fan of both partners having some experience under their belt before they come together in relationship.
[00:33:13] And in any case, I do find that women behave differently around men than they do around women, whether they're sexually attracted to women or not. For one, men are the ones who are putting ourselves inside of you. So there's a different response and reaction to our energy, to just our genetic makeup. Sometimes a woman will feel inclined to give everything she's got. She cannot give enough of herself. Those are the incredible highs. While other times, something about a man's presence or energy will completely shut her down.
[00:33:45] I know that what I'm about to say now isn't for everybody, and it's probably not even for most women. But if you are a woman who's curious about what it might be like to be with other women, or you're in a marriage or relationship where that is possible for you to explore, it's not looked at as cheating. Many of you have had fantasies since a very early age about what it might be like to make out with a girl, touch a girl, have a girl eat you out, but you wouldn't want to do that to her. Do something intimate with a girl and exploring things with the same sex might be an option for you to help unlock more of your pleasure. You might feel safer or more comfortable with them. They might just know what to do for you better than the partner who you're currently with does. I am not suggesting you end your relationship over this. I'm not suggesting that you become suddenly homosexual or even bisexual. But having an experience or two or three to, again, help you unlock could be very powerful.
[00:34:41] I want to keep gently bringing the point home that if one woman is capable of it, even though she may have different physiology, maybe you're capable of it as well. Maybe these are things you can reach for and experience.
[00:34:55] Let's spend a few minutes talking about what else you can do to get yourself there with your partner. It does take two. Sometimes it takes a villAge. And I feel really confident that if you apply some of these tools, we'll be able to figure it out together.
[00:35:11] If you're a woman who's capable of having an orgasm by herself, it's no problem. You can get yourself there in seconds or minutes, but with a man, you haven't experienced that yet. Very simply, take a moment to feel into why you think it might be true. Why is that the case, that you can come by yourself, but not with your partner? What's going on there?
[00:35:35] Do you feel safer alone? And that's just how you are. Do you feel unsafe with your partner? Do you feel like you can't relax? If someone else is there helping you to come, wanting you to come, being supportive through your coming, what gets in the way?
[00:35:52] Maybe you're the kind of woman who can make yourself come in two minutes. If you're someone who's capable of that amazing feat, that means you actually know exactly what you like. You know where to touch. You know what to think. You know how to position yourself. You know all the things to do to help you relax and take you over the edge. Sadly, this may also mean that you refuse to tell any of your partners how and exactly where you'd like to be touched. Do you not speak up? Do you not share? Do you not tell them what to do? Do you lie there hoping he's going to get it? Hoping he'll do the right thing? So much of this can be solved with some simple communication. Communication means using your mouth, speaking the words. I talk about this in how to properly go down on a woman. Can you put your tongue over here? Can you open me up a little bit more? Can I adjust myself? Ooh, wait. Stay there. Putting your hand on his head and guiding him where you want him to be, or holding his hips and moving him and keeping him steady in a position you like. All of these things can really help you reimagine what a woman's body is capable of.
[00:36:59] I don't think it really matters how old you are either. We all go through phases about whether or not we're comfortable with our bodies, whether we like what we see in the mirror, and sometimes we're not as open as we'd like to be. But I really believe that comfort falls on a continuum. I don't know if very many of us will ever reach the point where we are 100% comfortable with everything, full self acceptance in every possible capacity. So I feel like getting more comfortable with yourself is something to aspire to at all times, but not something to beat yourself up over if you're still not comfortable with yourself. Because I don't think that continuum really ends. I don't think there's an ending point where you're just 100% open, totally secure, love everything about yourself, and everything is just perfect.
[00:37:46] There are two types of comfort, in my opinion, when it comes to intimacy. There's your type of comfort with the person who you're with. That's your trust with them, your openness, your willingness to explore. Then there's your comfort with your own body. These are your own demons. Even if the person looking at you is worshipping you and ravishing you and can't get enough of you, you could still feel, frankly, overweight or underweight. You could still feel unattractive, you could still feel undesirable, or even things like unworthy. But those things are the things you have the most control over. And that's what I always encourage someone to work on first, and that requires you to step into a new level of comfort. So to bring back what we were discussing earlier, are you comfortable touching yourself in front of your partner? Maybe you can masturbate on your own and you're comfortable. Maybe you're able to make yourself come by yourself. Can you imagine yourself taking your fingers and putting them between your legs while someone's watching you? Would you look in his or her eyes?
[00:38:48] Would you look down at yourself and watch yourself do it? Would you slide a finger in? If the answer is no, no way. Or you've never thought about it before, one recommendation is to explore that a little bit. It's not something you have to do, but if you and your partner are willing and you can play with yourself for a little while before getting intimate, or without having to do anything at all afterwards, this might be something that helps you build comfort to release and to have your orgasm when you're with him or her.
[00:39:19] So how does this look then, in the real world? Quite often I see women who are very comfortable doing this while we're having sex. She'll put her hand down there and touch herself or put her hand over my hand or under my hand. And often women can stimulate themselves right to their orgasm during sex because they know what they like. They know where they want to be touched. Sometimes I'll even be the one to encourage a lover by taking her hand, gently putting it down there and showing her. Men, are you listening that I'm comfortable with her doing this? Some women are very shy to do that, and they don't know if it's okay. It's really okay. Sometimes it could also be nice to experiment with masturbating or touching yourself. Women while your partner is holding you or kissing you or touching you or loving on you without necessarily having sex. But they're just there, they're present, and they're close in a really loving way. All of these tips that center around you touching yourself are so that you can find more comfort in doing so in front of your partner, so that your body and mind can relax and so that hopefully this can be one of the ways that you can reach orgasm, even if it includes touching yourself to begin with. So at first, you might feel more comfortable if your partner is sitting on the other side of the room and watching, or even at an extreme level, being on the other side of a door or somewhere where they can't see you but you know they're there. You've got to find out where your boundary lies, what you're comfortable with and at what kind of pace or speed you want to move. A good majority of women simply come through clitoral stimulation. That means you're just using a finger or two, and within moments you're spilling over.
[00:40:59] What then are the musts for you to reach orgasm? What do you need in order to get there? Do, for example, the lights need to be off? Can they be dimmed? Can there be candles? Can both of you touch down there together? Can he be kissing your body and your chest, massaging you, loving on you while you're touching yourself, and seeing if you can come while he or she is doing that? There are so many places you can take it without having to do the most uncomfortable thing first, which presumably would be masturbating while you're having sex together or feeling pressure to come simply because he's having sex with you the way he likes to do it.
[00:41:38] Personally, I find that if a woman has a hard time coming, it's really a wonderful strategy to touch yourself while your partner is having sex with you in a position that you like. Obviously, being on your back is super easy, but being on your hands and knees can work as well. With just one hand and two knees from here, you can give instruction a little harder, a little faster, a little slower, a little deeper. This, in turn, gives him the added benefit, the bonus to see what you're doing, to watch how you do it, and to learn from the strokes that you use, the pressure, the way you go about it, so that he can hopefully do it for you as well. The process then looks like this. At first, you find a way to make yourself come by using only your fingers or whatever means necessary to get there. You're the one who knows your body best. He is observing, watching, paying attention, giving you his presence, his strokes, his directionality, his masculinity. He's helping you feel safe. And men, when you're doing this, it's best to not have an agenda. You are helping her with an experience. You're workshopping it together. It doesn't have to be the most powerful experience she's ever had. We just have to start setting up those neural pathways to help her spill over in a new, more pleasurable direction.
[00:42:51] What does it mean to workshop something? It means to make it more fun, more curious, and more playful than having to be something deep, profound, and meaningful. And it also doesn't have to be really hot and really intense. It's great if it is. It's great if it winds up being that. But it's not the goal when you're figuring out what each of you wants. In sum, it's about experimenting. So, ladies, what can you do to get your body more involved and more active while you're having sex? How about moving your body in the way that feels good even when you're on your back? Do you know you can actually move around? You can undulate and scoop your hips under or back and forth, or even rotate them a little. Or he can sit still and you could do some of the work even while you're lying there. Same thing if you're on your hands and knees. A lot of these predominantly sort of male driven positions can really be fun when you take control. And never underestimate the power of your fingers or his fingers. Remember that through any of these positions, you're welcome to touch yourself as well. The only thing it's going to do is heighten your pleasure. I sometimes wonder if women think to themselves, well, the man doesn't have to do anything specifically for him to feel good or to come. Why do I have to do this manual stimulation? Well, that's because your clit is on the outside. The number one place where all of your nerve endings are happens to be where most of the time a penis doesn't touch. It certainly could touch if he's rubbing up and down on you with his cock on top of you without sliding in. Or he comes up on top of it and then slides in and up on top of it again. But everything is on the outside. It's very tiny and it's covered by a hood. And not all sexual positions hit it. Even though it's believed nowadays that the clitoris extends so far down into the vagina, around the vulva, in so many areas that you can be stimulated in many different ways. Some women are lucky enough to be multiorgasmic and be able to come from a multitude of things. They could have G spot a spot, all the spots. And of course, many women come without ever having any kind of penetration whatsOever. Some women can come without even being touched. But for most of you, it's going to require a little manual labor. And that's okay because you've got very intricate physiology. For a man, all that's required is some mild to medium to firm stroking. And most people get there. So just because you know your body does not mean that he knows it, and it doesn't mean he can or even should. You can show him, you can help him learn, but usually it's got to come from you first. You've got to know what you like.
[00:45:24] And with that, I think this is a great place to wrap up this episode. We're going to continue it in part two. It's always nice to sit for a moment and reflect on some of the things that we've spoken about today. You can talk about it with a partner, you can journal about it and certainly reflect on some of the things that we went over together. And listen female anatomy, for most people has been a mystery for eons. Countless women still don't know their own bodies. Countless women don't know what they like. They don't know what turns them on the most. They don't even know where they want to be touched or where their most sensitive spots are. And sometimes having that conversation with your partner is extremely difficult. And that's exactly where I come in. If you find that these topics are just a little much to handle, a little too much to digest, you don't know how to broach the subject with your partner, or you're just a little curious about how to get more in touch with your own physiology and your own sexuality, you're always welcome to join me in session and do closeness coaching in San Diego Live. Or of course, we offer online sessions as well for people around the world. If, on the other hand, you're just a casual, passionate listener and what you've heard has made a measurable difference in your life, I invite you to donate to our monthly Patreon by visiting forward slash closeness. You can also make a one time donation to our cash app or Venmo, both of which can be found by searching for closeness.
[00:46:44] Finally, if you haven't already, please join our YouTube community as well at forward slash closeness. There, we've got all the episodes organized into separate playlists so you can find exactly what you're looking for, whether you want very juicy sexual how Tos, you want to learn how to deal with emotional pain, you want to take better care of yourself. It's all there, and you're likes, comments and subscriptions are always massively appreciated. So thanks for listening and we'll see you in part two. Bye.
