Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Welcome to the Closeness podcast, your new Sexual Education. We take complex intimate issues and break them down into something you can actually do something with. We'll teach you how to have, in no uncertain terms, better, hotter sex. If you haven't already, please subscribe to the Closeness podcast on the platform in which you're listening to us. And if you'd like to subscribe to us on YouTube, please join us at Forward Slash Closeness. If this work has made a measurable difference in your life, you can donate to our Venmo at Closeness or join us on Patreon at Forward Slash Closeness. Now, are you ready to come closer? Let's get started.
[00:00:40] Hi. Welcome back. I'm your host, Tari, and today we're talking about how to turn a woman on with decisiveness. I've spent a lifetime speaking to women about intimate subjects just like this, and oftentimes it hasn't been in the most conventional manner. From the time I was very young, I would often ask my partners before, after, and sometimes even during sex questions to find out what makes them tick. Why are they responding this way? Why are they choosing to have sex with me? Or what made them open to want to have more sex? Or what was it about what I said or did or way that I behaved that made them feel more open about sharing themselves with me? In other words, what was it specifically that made you want to be more sexual? I find that in passing conversation, people have a very difficult time speaking about exactly what that is, whether it's due to their comfort level or their mindset, upbringing, or religious beliefs. But when you're actually intimate, or you're turned on or you're excited, it can be very fun to talk about these things. And frankly, it can be a lot more honest. Something that I've noticed from personal experience is that if you take very good care of a woman sexually, suddenly the communication can flow effortlessly. You can talk about all the things that she might not say to another guy or even to her girlfriends because you've shared such a powerful connection. And it's within these very tender and special moments that time after time, moment after moment, women constantly reveal that my ability, or a man's ability to lead and to move them through an experience is a very sexually attractive quality. I also feel like it's an extremely difficult thing to do, to talk about what men should and shouldn't be doing. We live in a time right now where it's very popular to emasculate men or to minimize men or to take away their masculine edge. Oftentimes this leads to men feeling really uncomfortable about their sexuality or feeling really insecure about it. In our consent based culture and in a postmetoo movement era, even though I'm 100% on board with consent and making sure your partner wants to actually engage intimately with you, it's oftentimes left men very confused with how to proceed with women by minimizing their dominance, their aggression, their assertion, and their ability to engage and be direct. So I'll do my best to represent women's desires as best I can while also being sensitive as a man who understands that teaching other men about sex and about intimacy isn't always easy to hear, especially coming from another man. And so something that's always been important when it comes to this podcast is being able to teach in a way that's not threatening, not intimidating, but is also super sensual and exciting and very informative.
[00:03:18] If you're a man listening to this, I want to ask you respectfully to put your ego to the side for a little bit. And that means listen to this with an open mind. If you hear something that you haven't heard before, or you didn't know, or it sounds exciting to try, it doesn't mean that you don't know what you're doing. It doesn't mean you don't know how to satisfy your woman. And it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. You can't know what you don't know, and everybody doesn't know everything. As men, our prowess is really put on a pedestal. We do it to ourselves. Women expect us to know how to please them. They expect us to oftentimes read their minds. And there's no real formal education for how to have hot, connected, passionate sex, or how to properly tend to a woman.
[00:04:01] Unlike other YouTube videos of today, you're not going to hear me telling you that you've been doing it wrong the whole time. I'm not here to humiliate you or make you feel bad. I want to inspire you. So here are some tips and guidance to help you along your path towards making her feel really good.
[00:04:17] Oftentimes for women, it's extremely difficult for them to communicate what they need from you sexually, and to do so in a very loving and compassionate way. Sometimes you may not understand why their tone may be a little bit sharp or condescending, and you may be left feeling confused when it comes to why she's upset or what's bothering her. Often she doesn't want to hurt your feelings or doesn't want the negative feelings of her feeling bad. When she sees you feeling bad, she may also feel that you'll become so reactionary or upset about it that the conversation won't go well if she brings it up. And then, of course, the worst one, that she expects you to already know what you should be doing. But ladies, you also know perfectly well that your mood and emotion changes moment to moment, day to day. It's actually really difficult for a man to keep up with what's on your mind when oftentimes you don't even know what's on your mind. Sometimes a woman can be upset about something that really has nothing to do with your sexual relationship. But that's where the resentment or the frustration comes out. It might be something really simple, like helping out with a chore around the house, completing a project or beginning a project, picking up the kids, cooking a meal for your loved one, or taking the lead in some way. And in fact, this actually leads into what I want to speak with you all about today. It goes hand in hand with leading, and it's called decisiveness. You could think of this as being decisive, being directional, being decision oriented, someone who can pick up the slack, make choices, and in essence, do what's required so that a woman can. Ladies, help me out. Relax.
[00:05:49] Relax, and feel comfortable and safe in your presence. Perhaps already some of the ladies listening are nodding their head in agreement just by hearing that word decisive. It's very powerful. But if you're a man listening, have you ever thought to yourself that simply your act of being decisive, making choices, could be sexually desirable and attractive? What this means is that your ability to choose, and choose effectively, not just for yourself, but for your partner as well. The good of your entire family, if applicable, and the good of your relationship. Your ability to act swiftly, to make up your mind, to make a choice, yes. Actually turns your woman on and gets her wet for you. There's a correlation there. So regardless of your level of sexual prowess, no matter how good you are in bed, it may come as a surprise to you that direct sexual stimulation and doing things to your woman in the moment is not the only way she can get turned on.
[00:06:48] That being said, some women love to have sex every day, others two and three times a day. Some women can enjoy sex without any foreplay or without being warmed up throughout the day, though it's more and more rare that does exist. And you can have a relationship with some women in this way, but by far and large, this is not the norm. And by stimulating her only in that way, in other words directly and sexually. You're missing out on half the fun and an enormous amount of her sexual potential.
[00:07:15] Doing the right things to get a woman turned on all throughout the day is actually a lot more subtle. It happens through a number of small things that you could be doing on a daily or weekly basis that are actually increasing her desire for you. It's a little like investing. You put a little in throughout the day, and by the time nighttime comes, you've got a big payout. But oftentimes when you're trying to figure these things out, it doesn't get communicated correctly. Women saY, I don't know what it is. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know how to tell you what I need. Often women find that they can only articulate that they're looking for a feeling, and this isn't it. Which makes it even more unfair and more difficult, because she's not sure what it is, but she's certain you're not doing it right. So all of this can be extremely horrible to listen to. But what I think it comes down to is attention, love, decisiveness, and presence. And then the absence. Hear this? Of being afraid to be masculine, confident, assertive, and manly. Now, unlike every other time you've heard another man tell you to man up, but magically seems to leave out the details on how to go about doing that. I'm going to share with you what that means, and in other episodes we'll go into more detail about it as well. Sometimes one of the best ways to understand a concept is to comprehend what it doesn't mean and what it doesn't mean to be in your masculine. To assert a healthy form of masculinity is to be rooted in arrogance, machismo, overconfidence, and a lack of listening to what your partner wants. Healthy masculinity, to me, means to lead. A lot of these terms sound very strong, and you'll see me tag on the word healthily at the end or beginning of them. But if we look at them through the lens of exploring them in a healthy way, they're actually very desirable. So masculinity can also mean being dominant, assertive or appropriately aggressive. A willingness to be the one who makes a choice or decision. Or it can mean taking your girl on an adventure and giving her a unique experience. It could mean that you take care of the planning. It could mean that you have the forethought to know that she's going to need a jacket when she says she doesn't need one. And then winds up getting cold anyway. But if you're feeling indecisive, or it's difficult for you to make a decision, or you're worried about what she wants, or you want to accommodate all parties and you don't know what to do, that's the opposite of what she wants. Decisiveness means you know what you want, you make a choice and you go after it, and you're able to make decisions quickly and effectively, not compulsively, not on a whim, but you can tune into what's right again, what's right for you and what's right for her. Now, this isn't the same thing as telling a woman what's right for her. That's an entirely different form of dominance that we're not going near. It's not telling her what's best, it's being able to decide so she doesn't have to. You're offering things as a suggestion, but presenting it in a way that doesn't require a choice. Oof. That bear is repeating. You're offering things as a suggestion, but presenting it in a way that it doesn't require a choice. And if she wants to, she can speak up about it. If she says, oh, this doesn't sound good, or I'm going to get too cold, or I'm already full, or that doesn't sound exciting at all, then you can make a new decision. Being decisive means you're able to quickly line up with a decision and quickly come to terms with what you want at the same time. And I don't think people talk about this enough. You don't want to make hasty, rash, or stupid decisions, and you certainly don't want to make a decision before you're ready to do it just because you think it's sexy or you think it's what you're supposed to do. A decision should come from a place of power or inspiration. You have to be lined up with what you want to authentically make a choice. One of the ways you can do this is by getting in the practice of choosing things quickly. In fact, both men and women can do this. Because I have so many female clients who say, I can't make a decision, I have such a hard time choosing, I don't know what to do. So this is something you can do on your own time when you're by yourself. Let's say you're in a restaurant and you're poring over all the choices on a menu. See how fast you can come to a decision about what you're in the mood for? Is it going to be meat or vegetarian? Okay. Is it going to be chicken, fisH, lamb or pork? All right. Do I want something deep fried, sauteed, braised, or oven roasted? Am I hungry enough for an appetizer? Do I want dessert? Do I want to have dessert first? Are there any specific requests I'd like to make on the order? And you decide. Do you want a side of vegetables? Boom. What you don't want to get stuck in is, oh, I don't know, is it a cheat day? I'm really craving those French fries, but I shouldn't. This is probably really fattening. I really want the steak, but I'm really trying to be more health conscious. So should I get the vegetables? That sort of wishy washy wobbling back and forth is what's unattractive to everybody, by the way, women. It's unattractive when you do that as well. Wishywashiness is not an attractive quality in any human.
[00:12:18] Now, just to show you how far you can take this in terms of decisiveness and taking the lead, and I know this is a touchy subject, but many women enjoy having their partner order for them, including choosing for them what they'll be eating, what they'll have off the menu. Now, this is not about telling the waiter she'll have the salad, I'll have the steak. Thank you. No, it's not for everybody. But the idea is to select carefully things off the menu that you think she would love and delight in or something she hasn't tried but are within her tastes. Some women may find it disempowering, but many women who just enjoy that idea of laying back, being relaxed, having things taken care of for them, being able to say, we're going to go to this amazing restaurant tonight, and I think you'd really love trying their profitorals. I think you'd love having this salad, and you'd really enjoy these roasted root vegetables. And why don't we go walk to this other place for dessert? It's not about control. It's about creating a dining experience with care and forethought. Now, if food isn't your thing, if you're just a burger and fries kind of guy, obviously this may not be the level of decision making you'd like to get involved in, but there are many other subjects, communities, things that she likes, and you like where that would be possible. But for me, I'm a total foodie. I absolutely love food and cooking. Sometimes I do it so well, I get thanked for the meal, even though I'm not even the one who cooked it, but because of the way I orchestrated it or ordered it, or because of how some dishes complemented others. There's an art to it and it's about being specific, caring for someone's needs. And when someone knows exactly what you like to eat and takes care of it for you, it's a thrilling sensation.
[00:13:59] I used to have this beautiful girlfriend with such a strong personality. For those of you who indulge, she was an Aries and she was very, very confident and very, very domineering in many, many ways. But after a handful of times of having dinner together, she would just glance down at the menu and push it to the side and let me handle it and want me to handle it. And it was great. We always had these wonderful dinners and because I aim to please, I seldom disappointed. If you do this on top of all that, you get these bonus points for making it easy, deciding and helping her enjoy the experience outside of the restaurant. However, where can you start? What do you do? If you want to become more decisive and you want to lean in the direction of making decisions quickly, one of the ways is to start by taking all of the decisions that you make on a daily basis and speeding them up a little bit in your own life. Begin to come to conclusions and preferences for yourself a little quicker and a little more effectively. If you're doing research to purchase something online, you're going to buy something on Amazon. When you're just deciding where you're going to go by yourself for lunch or what you want to eat in the morning, what about the way you want to start the very beginning of your day? Do you want to decide to not check your emails first? Do you want to decide to begin your day with meditation? What about what movie you want to see? Or what YouTube video you want to watch? Or when you're thinking about what household project you'd like to get started with, you can decide to take a different way home from work. You can decide to stop at the store and surprise her with something that she might like. You can even mentally work on your decisiveness. Fitness in the shower. Are you going to soap up first or shampoo? Do you need to shave today? Are you going to do that first? These quick mental decisions of coming to terms with boom, boom, boom. I'm going to do it. I did. It's done. I'm going to do it. I did it. It's done. The quicker you can line up with your choices and your own decisions in a healthy way that works for you. The more powerful and confident you are as a man. Decision making, being directional, choosing a path, decisiveness.
[00:16:00] Then once you've got that lined up, you start doing this around your woman and you begin making choices. Watch this with her best interest in mind for her baby. This is what we're going to do tonight, sweetie. Keep your calendar open on Saturday. I've got special plans for us. Grab a jacket and I'll take care of the rest. I've got a little surprise for you tonight. Be ready at seven. Come with me for a few minutes. I want to show you something. Come over here. Let me tell you something.
[00:16:28] Now, this is interesting territory. You can't do all of that and not know all of this. It's not about being domineering, it's not about making choices for her, to control her. And certainly you have to know the type of woman that you're with. You have to know her personality. Many women are independent and they don't want you to make choices for them. Or you doing so is very threatening to them because it feels like you're trying to control them. It's not about saying, I know you don't like Thai food, but that's what I want tonight. So be ready in 20 minutes. We're getting Thai. No, it's about knowing your woman's taste, knowing what she likes and knowing how to give it to her. So if you know she's got a favorite restaurant or you know about a place that she loves, you don't ask her if she wants to go there. You don't say, maybe we want to go there. You say, let's go here tonight. If she doesn't want to, she'll let you know. And if she asks your opinion on something and you get a direct hit in your gut, a solid answer, yes. No, she's not looking for you to placate her. She doesn't want to hear. I don't know, is that what you want? Or whatever you want, sweetie, line up with it. Decide and take her on that adventure. Because almost all women want to be taken in one way or another, whether that's sexually or on an adventure or by Liam Neeson or even having something simple be decided on for them. What I'm sharing here is actually something loving and connected. The idea is that doing all of this will lead you to share more closeness, better sex and a better connection. When I talk about taking her, I don't mean taking her against her will. I sure as hell am not talking about rape and I'm not talking about dominating someone against their will. When you're sexually involved with someone and you know each other preferably well as a man, you can begin to make choices that benefit both of you or that benefit her specifically. You can lead and you can be decisive for her. Why? These reasons are almost ubiquitous. It's so that she can relax into her femininity, so that she doesn't have to think and so that she doesn't have to make them. And oftentimes, women, during their day, making decisions is very hard for them. They do it in their work or they do it at school, and it's very, very stressful. So when something is just taken care of for you, it makes it so much easier to enjoy. And again, it has the added benefit of making her feel safe and like she can trust you. Being decisive lets her settle in to being a woman and feel into her feminine side. You will probably like her more in this state than being anxious or worried or concerned or uncertain or all wound up.
[00:19:16] Then I'll tell you something else. Even with these masculine women, with these powerhouse, decision oriented, top earning, dominant, powerful women who make their own choices, have their own careers, have their own life, own the Mercedes or Jag, have their own house, most of these women still and nevertheless do not want to dominate you. They do not want to see you wishy washy. No matter how much more money they make than you, no matter how successful they are in the bedroom, in relationship, they want something else. They already make these high level decisions in their job and in their work, and they find it exhausting. So sometimes it feels to them like, ugh, I've been on all day. I just want someone to take me. And if you're in your masculine and you're present and calm and decision oriented, that becomes a very fun thing to do with her.
[00:20:11] What I've come to find over the years and with many clients is that almost every woman wants to feel like a woman or like a lady, or almost every woman wants to feel like a girl. Whichever works for them, regardless of their size, their height, their weight, regardless of how powerful or successful they are in business. They want to feel like a lady. Even a woman who's bigger than you wants to feel small in your arms. Not small and diminished as a person, but held and taken care of. In fact, for me personally, I especially enjoy women who are taller than me, perhaps a little more curvy than me. Maybe her chest is so much bigger than mine. A woman who probably feels bigger in the world, but I enjoy making them feel held cuddly, not small in a diminishing way, but protected and safe. What a beautiful feeling to give to a woman.
[00:21:14] You know, I don't think I've ever come across a woman who wants to feel big. So by you being decisive, by you lining up with making choices quickly, it allows you to tap into this idea of helping her feel taken care of.
[00:21:31] Okay, so how can you then begin to incorporate being decisive into your sexual life? Because maybe as a man, you're already dominant sexually. Maybe in the bedroom, you're already comfortable leading. There are many ways to have sex in the bedroom, but there are two particular ways that we're going to talk about that, and one of which is getting her excited in the moment, the now doing things to turn her on, touching her, kissing her, licking her, going down on her. Specifically, what men would tend to think about when it comes to pleasuring a woman. It could be touching, kissing, music, candles, foreplay, or even better, pure masculine presence and energy. And all of that works wonderfully. But the other way to do it is to get her turned on earlier in the day by showing her with little details and little things that you put care and thought into it, that you're thinking about her, that it's got a part of you in it. It could be that you planned or prepared something that you decided and you made choices. These are the things to me that wind up giving meaning to women when you're in relationship. Now, I hate talking about cliche terms, but it really does come down to how you communicate with one another. So have a conversation about this. At the very least, have a few conversations about it. Ask what turns you on. Is that true? Is what this guy Tari said in the closest podcast? Does that turn you on, honey? Is what he's saying true? Does that resonate with you? Take the pieces that work and apply it to your life.
[00:23:00] All right. And now, ladies, if you've been listening through to the very end here, I have a very special piece of wisdom for you. If your man is not doing it already, if he's not doing the things you expect or would like him to do or dream about having him do, he doesn't know. He doesn't know. And you need to tell him. And not only that, you've got to do it in a loving, respectful, curious, non emasculating way that he can hear and is not going to be hurt or threatened by or insulted by because he wants to please you. He wants to please you so bad. It's what most men enjoy doing, and pardon my French, but by getting yourself involved in this twisted mind fuck of expecting him to know and being resentful that he doesn't, only to then reprimand him, by treating him poorly in other parts of your relationship, you're doing a huge disservice to your relationship and to his soul. Can you really read his mind? Do you know what's going on? Do you know everything he wants you to do to him, or everything he'd like to experience with you? You've got to let him know. But if you put him in the role of a child, if you treat him the way you treat your son, like he's being reprimanded or you make him feel like he may lose you, something like that is going to make most men shut down. And he's not going to be able to step up to the plate and give you what you want because he'll be so concerned with losing you or worrying that the relationship is in jeopardy. Your work then, ladies, what you must do is to find a way to articulate all of this, to say what you need to speak your piece, to offer to him that you'd like for him to be more decisive or make more choices without bitterness, anger and resentment. I don't know if you need to practice in front of a mirror, record yourself on a voice memo. Make sure it's not accusatory, but present it to him in a way where you're suggesting something that you'd like. It would make you feel so wonderful if you would just love it, if it would turn you on so much, if he would fill in the blank, you could write him a letter, an email. You could send a voice message. Better still, you can have a close heart to heart. Just give some thought to it and make sure you're in a calm, loving space before you share these facts. In fact, this way of communicating is useful for almost anyone to use, no matter what your gender is and no matter what you want to talk about. What I tell my closeness clients is if you've communicated with someone to the best of your ability, and you've connected with them sweetly, in a friendly way, and with respect, and you look back on it, you say, I'm proud of the way I handled that. I like who I was when I said that. Wow, you just can't do better than that. And then most likely and ideally, you get a very favorAble, positive response. If you don't get a favorable response, if you open yourself up to someone and you genuinely put yourself out there one or two or three times and the response that comes back is negative or accusatory or attacking or shut down. Well, that's not your work.
[00:26:03] That's the other person's work. But be careful here. That doesn't mean you've spoken your piece. You've dumped everything on to them, and now they should suddenly respect anything you say and totally change and transform. No, now it becomes a conversation. Now you talk about it. Now you express to him something that he hasn't heard before. He's hearing it for the first time and thinking, oh my God, I've spent days, weeks, months, or years dancing on my head to please you and I didn't even know this is what you wanted. I had no clue. And now he's got to work on it. Help him. Help him understand by being sweet, loving, connected, and be patient while he gets up to speed. If someone explained physics to you in one sentence, much less one day or week or month, you wouldn't suddenly get it. You might generally comprehend the idea of it, but what would you do with it? How could you apply it? You wouldn't want someone to be bitter with you and upset the next day about not understanding their perfect explanation about how the universe works. You've got to give him some time to understand you and to apply what you've spoken about. Let him then take the reins, and I think things will work out very nicely for you.
[00:27:14] Enough for now. I think so too. Thank you for listening. This was a very specific topic, but a very important topic. If you're ready to take things to the next level and you want to learn about the female orgasm, how to excite and turn on a woman in other physical ways, then you don't want to miss what a woman's body is capable of. Part one and two coming up next on Closeness.
[00:27:37] You've been enjoying the Closeness podcast. You can subscribe to our YouTube channel by visiting forward slash closeness. One of the benefits of listening to closeness on YouTube is the ability to see chapters, to see all the different sections that we break down within each episode and jump to them easily with one tap. Your likes, comments, and especially subscriptions are immeasurably helpful. If you haven't yet subscribed on Apple or anywhere else that you might be enjoying this podcast, please consider doing so or leaving us a positive review. Now finally, if tuning in has got you curious about wanting to be a better person, whether it's enjoying a more vivid, robust quality of life, learning how to share more intimacy with your partner, or learning how to have hotter and better sex. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me by visiting our website, getcloseness.com, to support the Closeness podcast. Please consider donating to our Patreon at Slash Closeness or to make a one time contribution via Venmo or cash app. Simply search for at closeness. Thank you for listening and have a great day.
[00:28:40] You've been listening to the Closeness podcast, your new sexual education. Don't miss miss the series premiere of season two, coming January 9, 2020. Now, coming up next, what a woman's body is capable of and how to turn her on only on closeness.
