Speaker 0 00:00:00 Hi, and welcome back to the closeness podcast. My name is Tari. I'm your host. And this is part three of how to properly handle deal with cope with move beyond and go forward from a breakup. In part one, we talked about how to prepare for a breakup, those very first moments where you begin to become aware that this relationship may not be right for you or examining how your potential X is showing up in your relationship day to day, how they treat you in an argument or a fight. Do they vanish and run? Do they throw a fit and make it all about them? Do they actually hear you? In part two, we discussed strategies for surviving a breakup. We talked about over 20 different ideas and concepts to help pull you through. And now finally, in part three, a few more strategies, plus how to move beyond your breakup.
Speaker 0 00:00:47 Once you've had some processing time to heal, then coming up in the next episode of closeness, or if you need a little interlude from all of this breakup material, how to handle it and what it means when a woman says she needs some space. So I think even if you only take one or two things to heart from each of these episodes, it's definitely going to help you along your path to healing. You may or may not be able to hear it right in this moment, but there's definitely some nuggets of wisdom that will change your life. Now I'm definitely not a fan of preparing for the worst, but even if you're a listener who just wants to tune in, because you find yourself in a good place now in your relationship, or maybe you're just curious about what I've got to say, this is definitely a great place to get some tips on how to potentially handle future conflict or to evaluate some of your behavior in the past. When you've gone through other breakups, or maybe you have a friend who's going through something and you'd like to be their rock or their support system continue listening. You're going to find a lot more gems in this episode. Now, are you ready to come
Speaker 1 00:01:42 Closer? Let's get started our first contact
Speaker 0 00:01:47 Today, as it turns out, happens to be something my mother always told me, and that should come as no surprise actions speak louder than words. This one little phrase and simple concept may just be the most important. One of the entire episode, as you may recall from other episodes, I'm a big advocate of what I like to call deep listening, doing more than just hearing with your ears and nodding your head, but really tuning in with all your senses, to what your partner actually wants and needs tuning into what they're not saying and observing how they show up in your life, how specifically they show up. So for example, many of us are way too good with our words, or perhaps too generous. Sometimes we issue empty words or we say things that we don't mean, or we've got the gift of the gab. Sometimes we say things that we think we mean in the moment, like, you're my love, I'm your girl. I'm your man. I'm yours. You're mine. I'll be there forever. You can do whatever you want with me.
Speaker 1 00:02:44 This is real. It's just us. You hear these words,
Speaker 0 00:02:47 Words being spoken to you in your relationship and you feel so loved and adored. You feel like everything is secure and safe. These words sing to your heart. You're moved by these words, but then more often than not, what do your partner's actions demonstrate contrary to these words that were just spoken to you, oddly enough, your partner's taking hours to get back to you or they don't answer your phone calls or texts in a reasonable amount of time. Maybe they said, they'd be somewhere and they weren't there. They never showed up. Maybe they made a commitment to you and it fell through. Maybe they said, they'd call you back and never did. Maybe in response to them not showing up, you defended yourself or spoke your mind and said something like, Hey, I thought we had plans. I thought you'd be there. What happened? You told me we were going to do this.
Speaker 0 00:03:34 And when this happens, even though they're in the wrong, and they're the ones who didn't show up or didn't call, and even though accidents happen in life happens, your partner will often get defensive, angry, resentful, maybe they'll gaslit you. The words they chose were as follows. You're my love. I love you. You're my one. I care for you. And in their actions, they show up in a different way. And that makes you question the relationship. Do they say one thing and do another, do they make empty promises? Do they tell you they're going to be there? And then they're not. Do they not show up for events and important things that they promised to be present for? Actions speak louder than words. And boy, do we love our words? Words can often cut like a knife. They carry a lot of power and they can cause a lot of pleasure and a lot of pain.
Speaker 0 00:04:20 Take a good hard look at how your partner or ex partner is showing up for you during the breakup, what they're saying and yelling about and swearing up and down versus what they're actually doing. What about using words on a text message to break up? Do you or your partner think that it's perfectly acceptable to just send someone a text or an email to completely bring something to an end that you've been involved in for months or years when someone just spits out a few words, like I don't want to be together anymore, or this isn't working, which by the way is extremely vague. What do you think? Are you totally okay to have everything come crashing down regardless of how you might actually feel about it? When someone says that to you or text that to you, are you ready to be instantly done?
Speaker 0 00:05:02 Because they're magically done much like the phrase. I just need some space saying I don't want to be together anymore. Or I want to break up. Does not suddenly give the partner a right to treat their partner in a horrible way or be cold or unkind or suddenly go off and do whatever they want because one person has just decided that they're not together anymore. And this is an interesting subject to work through because how else would you communicate that you're done with the relationship? If not, by saying I'm done with this relationship, true. The words are powerful. The words are necessary, but it's a collaborative effort. It's something that you do together with the other person. The other person may not like it or may not be in that space, but it's something that needs to be done with a little bit of tact and care and time.
Speaker 0 00:05:45 And not just an instant throw in the towel. This is over. We're done. Now, of course, if you don't want to have sex with someone by all means, tell them no, that's an established boundary. Nevertheless, many people during a breakup behave as though they've just met the person on an online dating website and say things like I don't owe this person. Anything, they're not my boyfriend or girlfriend. I'm not married to them, or I just met them. And I'll tell you, as far as I'm concerned, no matter who a person is, whether you've slept with them or not, whether you've interacted with them one time or a hundred times, something is owed. I do believe you owe another person, courtesy,
Speaker 1 00:06:22 Respect, decency,
Speaker 0 00:06:24 Treating them like a human being and especially some understanding about what's going on in your head, why it's been going on in your head and not just an outburst of you being done when you've slept with someone multiple times, it doesn't take one sentence to bring the whole thing to an end. It might ultimately look like that after a heart to heart discussion or an in-person chat. But especially if you're someone who's experiencing this, if someone is doing this to you, you have every right to expect and even demand more and find out what's going on because you're emotionally invested. When you're emotionally invested into someone or someone is emotionally invested in you, you have a duty or an obligation as a good person to care for them in the beginning, and really do your best to help see them through. It doesn't mean you're going to be by their side forever, or you have to listen to them while they're crying and hurting about the breakup for the next seven months.
Speaker 0 00:07:18 But in the beginning, care is necessary. Sometimes the person doing the breaking up loves to use expressions. Like I just need to take some time for me. I think I need to go work on myself for a little while. I'm going to go take a trip to Bali, have a Manasseh trois with my girlfriend and another guy. And then come back. Having felt like I've really found myself. I think I need to go have sex so I can help heal myself. I just need to figure out what I want right now. And I don't know what it is. And I haven't known for the last five years
Speaker 1 00:07:47 When we intentionally use hyperbole, ultra spiritual expressions words, like
Speaker 0 00:07:53 Healing and finding myself and just had to do this for me. When what we're really doing is just going out and getting laid and crushing our partner. I come back time and time again to actions, speak louder than words. And if you're someone who's going through the breakup, if you're someone who feels like you're suffering more, and someone's words say that they're healing themselves, or they just had to have this experience to find themselves, but really what's happening is just sex. You probably need to distance yourself from this relationship as quickly as possible. All right, number two is another concept I was actually raised with and is another golden rule it's called very simply do unto others, as you would have them do onto you.
Speaker 1 00:08:34 Precious few people are ever
Speaker 0 00:08:37 Able to put themselves in someone else's shoes,
Speaker 1 00:08:40 Especially when they're upset or hurt or feeling neglected. Take for example,
Speaker 0 00:08:45 Situation that most women find themselves in breaking up out of the blue suddenly. And without notice women have been thinking about it for months and months, possibly even years before they take action before the man becomes any wiser and suddenly whack everything that the person knew gone done and nothing he can do to salvage it because she didn't speak up, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. So for example, ladies women, would you enjoy being in a strong, committed relationship with a man for several years, say it lasted five or six years. And on the sixth year he tells you he's done. He's moving out. He can't do it anymore. And there's no hope for reparations. Or do you think you might like a little bit of notice or an opportunity to fix it or work it out? I don't know, maybe two or three years before it was a code red emergency.
Speaker 0 00:09:39 When the thought first entered his mind might be a good time to share it. Would that be more soothing to you than finding out abruptly? And when it's too late, do unto others, as you would have them do unto you, it's all about taking a moment to actually think about your actions before actually doing them, thinking about how you would feel in that situation, putting yourself in someone else's shoes. I can't emphasize this enough. This is something that we never do. We get self-righteous. We victimize ourselves. We feel attacked and we never understand what the other person might be going through. It's all about us, us, us. So it's my strong recommendation that you ask yourself with almost everything that you do, but especially when you're about to do something really shitting. Is this how I would want someone to handle this with me? When you find yourself on the giving end of a breakup, you're the one who's breaking up with someone consider not just how you would feel if it was happening to you, but how you would actually like your partner to be and behave towards you.
Speaker 0 00:10:37 Concept number three deals with over investing our heart into the relationship or investing ourselves too much into something. For those of us who have been on the receiving end of a breakup, or for those of us who have actually made the choice to bring the relationship to a close, but we're the ones who actually love them more care for the more show up for the more we are often the ones who get way too emotionally invested, and because we're so invested. And because we live in the world of Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and Tik TOK, and we can see private details of other people's lives right before our eyes, without them even knowing because everybody's posting their life on the web, we know way too much. She said you were gained together at nine, but you didn't. And then you logged on to Instagram and saw a story where she's in a club, dancing, having fun and posting about it.
Speaker 0 00:11:26 Or you saw someone else's profile. You notice that your partner isn't where they said they'd be, or maybe they said they were sad and they just needed time to themselves and wanted to take space. But then you hear from your friends that they were at a barbecue or a bonfire later that night, maybe we make the grave mistake of bringing this rightfully so to their attention. I thought you told me that you just needed a little time to be by yourself, but instead you publicly announced that you're partying, drinking and a good time. Can you help me understand what happened? Every here, something like this? What are you stalking me? What are you trying to do? Tell me what I can and can't do with my life. I think you're so controlling. This puts people on the defensive. And unfortunately, you asking for a little bit of accountability makes people feel extremely negative and they get so shady so quickly. So be really aware about people who don't allow you to bring things up without them flipping it on you and trying to make you look like the fool for letting them know that they said one thing and are doing the complete opposite. Notice how, when you bring truth to their attention, that you become the bad guy. Oh, and also the needy one
Speaker 1 00:12:31 On, in their eyes.
Speaker 0 00:12:34 So what's an approach you can use to handle this when you've invested too much into someone. One of the only things in the most powerful things you can do is to take your attention
Speaker 1 00:12:44 Off this person. It really
Speaker 0 00:12:47 Becomes about where you put your attention and where you allow yourself to dwell think and obsess. You have to find strategies to let it go and let it be. You have to focus somewhere else. You have to do things that don't involve that person. We give away way too much of our power, energy, and love to someone who we don't often know very well yet, and who isn't worthy of our time, or didn't deserve it or to someone who's not accountable and honest with you. Sometimes we give away our power to someone who only loves you when things are good, but doesn't want to be around you. When they tank someone who vanishes runs away, disappears, leave, slams the door. Someone who does an answer ignores or blocks your calls. When you've only had a little upset or rough patch in the road, a person like that, isn't worthy of your love and it doesn't make you perfect. It doesn't make you the Saint or the only victim in the situation. But in these moments, they don't deserve to have all of your attention. So consider that when you're feeling pain, are you spending way too much time focusing on your partner or your ex partner rather than focusing in on your
Speaker 1 00:13:51 Yeah.
Speaker 0 00:13:54 In previous episodes, we've spoken a lot about self-care self-love self-respect and this episode is also the perfect place to discuss that further. For those of us who have been broken up with, and we know who we are, if we're suffering more than our partner is our tension dramatically needs to be brought back to ourselves. It's one of the only ways to feel better because you can't control. What's going to happen next in life. You cannot control circumstances. And especially during a breakup, you have no control over what your now ex partner is going to do. What they're going to say, where they're going to go, who they're going to sleep with.
Speaker 1 00:14:29 All of it. Now, wildly out of your control. In fact
Speaker 0 00:14:33 Act, if you think about it, you never had control of those things to begin with. You just had faith and a belief in the fact that they wouldn't do something to hurt you. But what do you have control of? You have control of yourself. You have control of the thoughts that you try to choose to think you have of the focus and where you put your attention. And I know in the beginning stages of heartbreak, it feels like an impossible ask to put your attention on anything other than the fact that they're gone, gone, gone. The one you love, the one who you thought was there, how beautiful everything was when you were together. It's not easy to take all of your attention off of that and bring it back to yourself. If on the other hand, however, you put your focus on her, Instagram, her stories, her Facebook, her Snapchat, or social media, how much fun she's trying to show you that she's having, how she's still going out and smiling and laughing hysterically with all of her girlfriends.
Speaker 0 00:15:29 Only four hours after you broke up, you are going to experience a world of hurt for some very strange and peculiar reason when people break up or they're in a lot of pain. People who have been broken up with love to relive, terrible memories, painful emotions, hurtful things that the person said or dwell on painful things, such as the amazing times you had together, but it's hurting so much because you can't have it. People who do the breaking up love to project, they're having the most amazing spectacular time on a boat with a new haircut in a new outfit, with a whole new group of friends, you would think their resiliency is amazing. They're thrilled without you. They're able to go out. They are able to dance and play and sing and laugh and hang out with friends. Life would seem to be grand. They've read one spiritual quote or a little book that tells them letting go is where it sat and holding on is just resistance and poof, they're over you friends.
Speaker 0 00:16:21 What kind of person or what kind of monster upon breaking up with someone finds themself hours later, or the next day, the next week upon dealing you the blow of a heavy breakup posts, funny and fun stories, videos of them laughing, photos or videos of them that makes you question where they are, who they're with and how all of a sudden this whole plan came together. What kind of a person does that? And do you want someone who's capable of that in your life? Someone who's capable of instantly leaving you or perhaps even abandoning you and then immediately turning their attention to fun, sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Would you yourself have the sensitivity to not post to your social media or to your Instagram? How much fun you're having. If you just broke up with someone recently, then this, my friends is called tact care, consideration, empathy, and respect for your partner.
Speaker 0 00:17:25 Your for all intents and purposes, silly little social media page can take a break. It can wait while you and your partner are processing real emotions together. When did someone's emotional pain, take a back seat to double taps and likes on your screen while we're on the subject. Do you really find it pertinent to take to Facebook, to let the entire universe know that you, your partner are going through a conscious uncoupling while you and your partner is still suffering from the breakup? What if your partner is a more private person who doesn't want their business on blast? So a piece of advice for those of you who are going through it and really suffering right now, the degree to which you attach yourself or focus on what your ex or current partner is doing on social media out and about having fun posting stories. While you're digging, digging, digging, to see what you can uncover and find about where they are, what they're doing is directly proportional to the amount of pain and self torture
Speaker 2 00:18:23 That you'll put yourself through.
Speaker 0 00:18:25 As you analyze obsess over and worry about it. While at the same time, realizing that your hands are tied and you actually can't like it, comment on it, call about it, ask her about it, connect about it. You in essence become that silent creeper that no one likes because to make comments that wouldn't be right to call them out on it. That's going to cause even more problems. So you sit in silence, holding your pain, going through all of this and making yourself suffer without being able to do anything about it, except continue to watch. And look, this is insanity friends. It's a recipe for disaster. And I know I'm using the word her, and she hear a lot when describing these events. And that's because most men do not run out in the middle of a breakup and try to glamorize their social media platforms. Men don't try to make it appear like they're having so much more fun or having the best time of their lives or are totally unaffected by what's going on. So getting over a breakup should largely entail
Speaker 2 00:19:25 Some self-preservation some self-care self-love and self-worth
Speaker 0 00:19:30 What does all that look like? You ask funny, you should ask because it looks exactly like what the person who says they need space should be doing. And that looks like taking deep breaths, spending time in silence, reflecting meditating, sitting quietly, spending time in nature, taking even more alone time for yourself, writing in a journal, listening to their body, talking to themselves, listening to their heart. Self-soothing caressing themselves, holding themselves, finding a true friend who would be willing to hold them or hug them or listen to them. Getting really clear on if they actually want to be with the person who's portraying themselves on social media, like nothing ever happened between the two of you asking themselves. If they really want to be with that person specifically, or they just enjoy the good feelings and how they made them feel when they were together. You know how you feel when you're with someone who you love and you think to yourself, I would never want to be with anyone else because no one has her smile or his broad shoulders or that gate, or that walk or their chest or their personality or their sweetness and kindness.
Speaker 0 00:20:36 And nobody's the same way as he or she is with our kids. And we convince ourselves that no one else in the universe could possibly give us the feeling that the person who's breaking up with us can as if they're the only ones, the only ones who have the key to quote make you feel this way. But if you take a moment and reflect about your relationship with someone two or three exes ago, four or five Xs ago, if you have that many, can you for a moment consider how it's not a great choice of words, but irrelevant. Those Xs seem to you at this point in your life right now, your first love or your second love, or your fourth, fifth, or sixth relationship comparatively with this one. When was the last time you spoke to your X, X, X, X, X, boyfriend, or girlfriend, or had sex with them, or thought about them touching you or loving you, or the way they made you feel. In fact, right now in this moment, would you want your ex ex ex ex boyfriend or girlfriend inside of you or to be inside of them? Would you want to be intimate and sexual with them? Hmm, interesting. Remember when you thought they rear one and only, and no one else would do, and you only wanted to be with them. You also thought they were irreplaceable that no one else could possibly love you the same way. There is no one else like them in the world and your heart in that moment
Speaker 2 00:21:59 Felt crushed
Speaker 0 00:22:01 That you wouldn't be able to touch them again or love them again, or be with them again. And yet
Speaker 2 00:22:06 Here you are somehow
Speaker 0 00:22:09 Some way you got over it, sadly, they're not important to you anymore. You don't stay in touch every day, every week, every month, they're not relevant. They're not actively in your life. Most likely, unless you have an unusual relationship, they are gone. Even myself. I can reflect back over all of my exes and I'm thinking, wow, one of them has four children and other has three children and other one has four children. Other has two children. They live in different States. They live in different places. They've completely changed who they are and how they act. We reach out maybe once every birthday to say, Hey, happy birthday is a cordial gesture, or meet up once every year or two to say hello. And that energy isn't there. Most of the time. It's not there. It'd be every once in a while, you have some magnetic sexuality with someone, but when enough time has gone by and people have changed, or their bodies have changed, their faces of chains or attitudes have changed.
Speaker 0 00:23:05 They really have become different people. And the things that have attracted you to them are no longer attractive and vice versa. And I say, all of this, not to of course, discredit your X's or tell you they're not worthy or tell you they're irrelevant or anything like that. But so too, this will pass. So too, you will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, just like you did in your previous relationships. And how did you get over your previous relationships? You put all the things that reminded you of them away. You hid the pictures or deleted them or burn them, or put them in a box for safekeeping. And you put the attention back on you. Uh, can't emphasize this enough. You put the attention back onto yourself and you stop focusing on and talking about
Speaker 2 00:23:53 Your ex, he's
Speaker 0 00:23:55 Doing this. He's going here. He hasn't called. He always said that she promised she would. She loves when I, if you ever talking to a friend, who's going through a breakup. You'll notice where their attention lies on their acts, on their acts, on their acts. And when the best gifts you can give them is to help bring it back to the now moment. Now we are all selfishly oriented. So theoretically, this should be a pretty easy thing to do, even though it's not. But when you get that sick feeling in your stomach, it's generally because you are too much on them and not enough on you when you're hurt down and feeling broken, there's never a better time to focus on yourself and care for yourself than right now. So here's a little exercise you can do to show yourself that you can pull through, go through your phone or pull up social media accounts of your exes. If they're available to you, Google them, check out their company. Or if you've got a bunch of photos, save somewhere in a folder or in a shoe box or on your phone, pull them out and take a good,
Speaker 2 00:24:56 Good hard look at that.
Speaker 0 00:24:59 Your previous exes one by one, not the person. You just broke up with those old exes. You know, the ones who theoretically don't matter anymore. The ones who you are head over heels in love with the ones who are supposed to be the one. What do you feel when you revisit the story, the memories and the photos of the exes, who you are not hurting about right now? Do you want to be with them, sleep with them? Do you wish that they were living with you right now? Do you wish that you had children with them even when one of them told you that they want to have your baby? Now take a moment and remember some of the great times that you had together. Some of the positive memories, which at this point should be the ones that are sticking after you take a trip down memory lane.
Speaker 0 00:25:42 Think about some of the old arguments he used to have or what you couldn't stand about them, or why you wound up breaking up with them, or they broke up with you. What were some of the issues? Could they communicate? Were they there? Did they disappear? Was there a drug or alcohol or addiction problem? Were they too needy where they never present? Notice what comes up and notice how this is an old dead story that no longer has any energy behind it. And rest in the knowing that just like these stories came to an end, just like you're no longer hurting about your seven evil exes. This too shall pass.
Speaker 0 00:26:22 Then maybe a few weeks from now, maybe a few months from now. When you start to feel a little bit more like yourself again, and you have something to give, you have something to offer. You want to feel useful or needed in life. This is a good time to begin to help others. Whether you're of someone else who's going through it, you're doing volunteer work. You're becoming more proactive in your own business or your own job. Offering support to friends and family, being there for your parents. Now I'm actually recommending the opposite approach. So when you're feeling severed and you're crushed and you're destroyed, it's all about you
Speaker 1 00:27:03 Bringing
Speaker 0 00:27:04 Everything in to this moment, living moment, by moment, like we talked about in the previous episode, taking time for yourself, self soothing. But once you come out of that and you're finding your stride again, then part of your healing process can be taking on a bigger cause. Getting involved with projects that require more from you and growing one little caveat here. If you are an empath or you are constantly giving to others, or you're one of those people who your family and all of your friends always turns to for help and support. And I know a lot of women like this, if you are a woman like that, or a person like that, this is not the time to take on more, more projects, more help and get weighed down because everyone else is putting their problems onto you. So if you know this about yourself, if you know, you're a chronic giver and you keep giving and giving and giving and taking is very hard for you to do, I don't recommend this part. However, if you are very selfish, if you do put yourself first, all the time, we can get tremendous benefit, amazing growth potential, and really have a fulfilling and happy life by putting others. First, once we've gotten through the most tender part of a breakup.
Speaker 1 00:28:22 And now
Speaker 0 00:28:23 Finally, the question that's probably been on everyone's mind since the beginning. Can you still be friends after you break up with someone? Now we've already done an entire episode based on this subject alone. So if you haven't heard it already, I'd strongly recommend listening to can men and women actually be
Speaker 1 00:28:40 Friends after you finished here, but whether or not men and women can be friends
Speaker 0 00:28:45 Changes when you've actually already had sex multiple times when you've already been together. And when you've already built in all of these triggers and things that you know about the other person that irritate you and drive you nuts or excite you and drive you wild. So in my opinion, staying friends with your ex is actually a much more difficult proposition than you may think. And this is coming from someone who thoroughly enjoys staying friends with his ex. I love it. It's my preference. I would rather stay in touch with someone who I've been close with, then
Speaker 1 00:29:15 Cut them off forever. The first rule
Speaker 0 00:29:17 To remember about this is one of the most important ones. And that's that for the most part, you get to define with your partner, how you want this to look, you do. And you don't because if you want to stay friends and they don't, you don't really have a choice, do you, but talking about it or making efforts to stay in touch after the relationship is over after both people have spent time, grieving can be a really thing, but simply because people love to hate their Xs in movies and on social media doesn't mean you have to conform fitness stereotypes, or even do what you think you're supposed to do. And you certainly don't have to decide that being friends means no pet names, no terms of endearment, no sex, no touching, no connection. You only stand four feet away from each other and barely make eye contact because you know, friends, don't touch friends. Don't kiss friends, don't have sex. You just sit there with your hands on your lap and you chit chat vacuous li about life and,
Speaker 1 00:30:11 And events, right? No, you can make it whatever you want it to be.
Speaker 0 00:30:17 And if you think about it, how would you go about creating a very standoffish relationship like that in the first place, or even be sure that that's what your partner might want. What makes you think that your partner or someone who loves you would want a relationship where it's talk only. This is why people often stopped talking altogether, because if you can't have all of it, they don't want any of it. People will often say, well, it takes two to ruin a relationship. That's not even true. It just takes one person to sever it. But to keep it together, both people have to be
Speaker 1 00:30:47 Active, whether or not
Speaker 0 00:30:49 You're talking to your partner currently, or your ex partner doesn't mean your relationship has fully come to an end. Many people love to turn their exes into enemies. It's as if they're born to do it. As soon as they break up, they never want to talk. They don't want to see each other again. And they can't stop talking about their acts to their friends. But the relationship itself doesn't cease to exist. It's changed. You have a relationship now maybe as to people who don't like each other or people who have a lot of bitterness and resentment towards one another, but you will always have some form of connection to that person. Even if you see them years and years down the line. In fact, if you left things in a particularly vulnerable spot or hot and passionate spot, the feeling you'll get when you see them again, even much, much later in life is going to be very familiar. Just like it was the last time you saw.
Speaker 1 00:31:39 So getting clear on the idea that your relationship
Speaker 0 00:31:42 That isn't ending, but is transitioning or changing or moving into something else. And you both can get clear on what you'd like that to be. Well, if there's any semblance of commonality, that could be a very positive thing. Some things work better than others. For instance, if you guys yell at each other nonstop every day, can't handle it anymore and decide to break up and then go into business with one another as business partners. Would that be a smart
Speaker 1 00:32:08 Idea? No.
Speaker 0 00:32:11 However, you decide to rewrite the rules of your relationship restructured or come up with the new version of your relationship together should be to enhance your wellbeing. It shouldn't be the case that you say let's just be friends, but what you really mean is I never want to see you again, but you say it because you don't want to hurt the other person. You feel really bad. So you say it anyway, and then you never call them or talk to them again, this isn't restructuring the relationship. This is
Speaker 1 00:32:36 Ghosting. What does it actually mean
Speaker 0 00:32:40 To you to be friends with someone? How do you know that you can call someone, a friend I'll share something very interesting with you in my previous relationships, when a breakup exists and things have blown over a little bit, the more that I try to authentically be a friend to act friendly and loving kind toward them, invite them out to lunch or see if they're open to a visitor, a phone call or some catching up women actually find this very, very confusing because I don't stop being loving and I'm probably behaving or acting very similar to how I did in relationship, which is with care and nurturing and respect. And sure, probably humor some sexiness, some playfulness. And just because I've broken up with someone, I don't change how I fundamentally act and behave. I'm not colder and more distant or harsh. In fact, if anything, I think I'm even more kind and sweet and empathetic, and I'll be that way sometimes on purpose to tone down the risk of having that chemistry there or that spark again, that is maybe going to be more confusing for her, unless we are trying to be lovers again.
Speaker 0 00:33:48 But nonetheless woman author report back that no matter how awesome or kind or sweet or loving or friendly or quote unquote normal, that I am, they find it very confusing to which I say, what would you prefer? Would you prefer me to be IC? Pretend that I'm distant, pretend that I don't care anymore. Pretend that we are acquaintances for me. It just doesn't pan out. So a big question to ask is can your partner even handle a friendship?
Speaker 0 00:34:16 Another interesting subject to explore is to ask ourselves why do we as a species, believe that simply because we said the words I want to break up, or we're not together anymore, that there should be no physical contact of any kind ever again, forevermore, is it because we think it's too painful. Was it painful to see our new partner in the beginning when we didn't know what was certain didn't know if they were taken or not didn't know if they wanted to be with us or not, but we still had sex with them or shared intimacy with them. Anyway, obviously in the first few moments, first few weeks or few months after a breakup, having zero contact with someone is understandable and necessary to take that space and to distance yourself away so that you can heal. But then after many months or even years, a warm embrace, a gentle hug, a tender kiss, an intimate cuddle, a really warm and deep conversation with physical contact, holding their lower back a demonstration to show them how much you care for them.
Speaker 0 00:35:17 Unless they've somehow got into a new committed, monogamous relationship. And therefore it wouldn't be appropriate to do so. Is there some law written somewhere that we all know unconsciously or a set of rules that we are bound to abide? It seems like there's an unspoken belief that if you're together, which is literally often just a sentence we're together or we're dating, or we're engaged, it's a verbal commitment than anything goes. But if you're not together, which is also a sentence and a verbal agreement, I E I don't want to do this anymore. I want to break up or I'm done then no contact of any kind seems to be acceptable. Again, even much later in life. Once this has blown over and you've healed from it, there are many times where it's very appropriate to never touch or talk to or see your ex again.
Speaker 0 00:36:04 And it's true and it should be true, but it's not globally true. How else does this play out? Down the line for many, many months, and for many years for people don't touch me anymore. Don't call me, honey, sweetie, babe, don't text me. Don't come hang out with me. Don't ask me out. Don't follow me on social media. There are these unspoken laws that we all seem to live by, and everyone's confused about which ones apply to who? Interestingly, some couples continue to sleep in the same bed, even though they're broken up while they date other people that may come as a shock to you. I've known several people like this, not because that's what they think is sexier hotter. Okay? But because they've decided to no longer be together and rent is really expensive in Los Angeles or San Diego or New York. So there's still an Elise together and they don't want to leave the other person with another thousand dollars a month of debt. Other times, if there's an extra bedroom, couples will move into separate rooms while living together and continue to, or start dating new people. And this doesn't make them polyamorous. They're not in an open relationship or living in something like a commune, but they decide to break up and continue to live together. For
Speaker 1 00:37:14 Several reasons, they share similar
Speaker 0 00:37:16 Hobbies or have the same job, or really do like each other, as friends, other people on the other hand need a complete and total severing. How you decide to make this look is entirely up to you. It's entirely up to both of you. You may decide to take a texting break, a communication break, a sex break. You may decide that it's in your best interest to only continue having sex, and then immediately leave because that part is golden. Some of you may decide to have an authentic friendship without the sex, but still keep the intimacy in it. Some of you may decide that sex with other people is what's needed and you're completely okay with sleeping with others while sleeping with your partner. There's no right or wrong way to do any of this. And so we have to be extremely careful that just because you were raised a certain way, or this is how mom and dad did it, or you saw your family go through it or your older brother or sister do it, or your friends do it this way. That's not the way you have to do it. You're not destined to live out your life this way. And just because your partner's way of doing it is foreign to you does not mean you can't embrace it, respected or get curious about it. Take your time, go
Speaker 1 00:38:24 Through it slowly, communicate
Speaker 0 00:38:26 About it regularly. Try not to get into heavy, heated debates and arguments. See if you could actually find some common ground, what you don't want to do. However, is to take all the power yourself and be done. You're not into it. It's over. You fed up. You're through here. We've spoken about this. The partner who is the most disconnected, the one who doesn't care as much, the one who needs the space or wants to leave immediately. And suddenly their opinion matters most. What they want is all that counts. What about the other person? What about your partner? What about what they want? This is a strong opinion, but you don't get to make a choice like that. You're allowed to decide what happens to your body. You're allowed to decide whether you want to be intimate with someone or not. You're allowed to stay in a situation or leave a toxic situation.
Speaker 0 00:39:15 But personally, I find it incredibly disrespectful, horribly wrong and extremely scarring to abandon someone vanished, disappear, or decide that these are the new rules without running it by them and making a global decision for everyone. So, so what I'm recommending as the thing to avoid is instant change, instant loss of the relationship, sudden retracting, immediate new plans with some other love interest, anything where in a moment, or in a heartbeat, your switch just flips off. This is what we were now or something else. I was living with you for many years, surprise. Today, I'm moving out. We were moving towards a relationship together. Now I'm going to move up North and take this job. Whether you like it or not, you can come if you want to, but either way, I'm going, I want to travel the world, but you want to stay in this town and start a relationship. I'm outta here. I'm going to travel.
Speaker 1 00:40:06 Well, you can't do that
Speaker 0 00:40:10 To people who are emotionally invested in you without causing serious ramifications, obviously for all intents and purposes. Yes, of course you have free will as a human being. And this is what makes people say, I can do whatever I want whenever I want. But if you're someone who has one shred of compassion or care, if you care about being a good human being, if you care about not leaving fire and destruction in your wake, you won't do that to another human being. It's one of the worst things you can do. I've had others do it to me. I've been very careful to not do that to my partners. And I see it happen all the time in my coaching practice. Someone just decides that they're done with zero prior information, with nothing leading up to it with no insights as to what's going on the pieces fall, where they may, and they simply have no idea how much pain and devastation they're causing.
Speaker 0 00:40:59 There've been a few times where I've gone to travel the world for an indefinite period of time, at least a year. Each time that I decided to do that, I was very clear with my girlfriend at the time, this is what I'm going to do. This is my intention. This is why I'm going. These are the experiences I'd like to have while I'm there. I'm leaving no matter what, but in this moment I am feeling love for you or I do love you, or I care so much about you or I love what we have right now, but this traveling, what I want to do there is such a strong desire for me. It has such a strong pull that I'm going be doing it. And I know nothing is stopping this train. So I know that means or may mean that we have to stop seeing one another, but this is a top life priority for me. I try to be crystal clear when I explained my desires and intentions.
Speaker 1 00:41:49 See,
Speaker 0 00:41:49 You've heard me say earlier in the episode, that it's really important to take care of yourself first, to put your needs first to self care, self sooth, and self love. This advice is for the person who is hurting the most. Usually it's pretty obvious who that is. If it turns out that there's something where by force someone gets called away to another country or has to return somewhere and the other person can't come with. And so now both people are shocked and hurt. Yes. That would be an example of a time when it's appropriate for both people to care for one another, but not only then when you're transitioning and you're the person who's not hurting as much, or you're the one who made the choice or it's easier for you, or you have a capacity to give that's actually, when it's very important to stop focusing on yourself to not be the one who's going to the Playboy mansion to Vegas, to see a show, to go catch up with old ex boyfriends or girlfriends that you haven't talked to in a long time to put yourself back on the market and jump on dating apps.
Speaker 0 00:42:51 The first chance you get have some sensitivity, you got a long life ahead of you have some tact, have some respect, have some care and help your partner transition, help your partner through the time they need you. Most now, personally, I've done this numerous times where I've been there. I've given my time, my space, my energy I've held different partners close. I've invited them over to process more. I've listened to them on the phone. Sometimes there's only so much you can take. You can only be there so much while they're going through their process. Still. It's very important to not snap freak out, yell at them, insult them, demean them while they're figuring it out. It's okay to say something like I've been here for you a lot through this transition. I don't know how much more I have to give. I don't know if I have the capacity anymore to give you what you need versus Jesus Christ. It's enough. I can't believe you go on and on and on how much is it going to take? How long do you need to grieve? And if you shame someone for it,
Speaker 1 00:43:53 It's not a good idea. People
Speaker 0 00:43:55 Respond in kind. When you get defensive, they get defensive. When you get accusatory, they get accusatory. When you say you never did this, they say you never did that. So when you respond poorly, someone else does as well. Interestingly, the same thing happens with accountability and responsibility. When you take responsibility for the relationship, when you own up to your part of it, you'll notice that your partner will want to do that
Speaker 1 00:44:18 As well. Speaking
Speaker 0 00:44:20 Of staying friends, how many of you have had a girlfriend or a guy friend who's tried to support you through your breakup? And they do so by saying that person's a bitch or that person's just an ass ignore, never talk to them again. You can do better. You don't deserve that. And they immediately turn against the other partner without even knowing anything about them without giving them any empathy, just complete and total blame. And sure, if someone does something that's actually horrific, like burning your house down or physically assaulting you or becomes violent with you, it's understandable, of course, but for most of us, our breakups, it takes two. It's two people who have different needs or you've grown out of each other and having friends who turn against that ex, especially if they were friends with them as well. And they're siding with you, it doesn't help your healing process.
Speaker 0 00:45:08 Choose who you share your intimate thoughts with about your relationship. And if you are talking to a friend who does that, let them know that that's not what you're looking for. Finally, what has to be repaired or resolved between you for it to move forward? What do you have to hear or listen to? What do you need to ask the other person to be able to move on? What do they need to tell you? Do you still need an apology? Do you need to hear that? They really did love you? What has to happen so that you can form some form of a completion process so that you can move past this? Is it a ceremony, eye contact acknowledgement. Is it an agreement? Is it a dinner? Is it an evening together? Is it a letter to one another? What has to happen so that you can step into this new kind of relationship together with as much ease grace, respect and tact as possible.
Speaker 0 00:45:58 And now when it's all said and done is being friends with your partner, something that you really want, do you want to be friends with them, actual friends, or are you using it as a security blanket, a buffer, a way to hold on to someone who cares about you until you find someone next, because you don't want to be alone, or you don't want to feel negative emotion, or you don't want to feel bad feelings. If you're texting someone that you broke up with, that you miss them. You're thinking about them. You wish you could spend time together, but you're not ready to give them what they need, or you're not willing to give them what they need. What are you doing? And likewise, if you're receiving this type of information, you're missing your partner. You're loving him or her. And they're texting you that they miss you and want to see you, but they broke up with you.
Speaker 0 00:46:43 Or you broke up with them because there's no commitment or they're not willing to go through it with you, or they're not willing to change the status of the relationship. If this is where you left off, then this is not new information for them. It's not helping the person who's been broken up with, let go or move on or move past you. You're just sort of keeping them in some sort of limbo, which is entirely unhealthy. Genuine friendship takes work. It takes work on both. People's ends in this day and age, where we're connected with everyone. And we can talk to a thousand people in a day. If we want to, who gets our attention, our texts, our screens, our likes, our random people in our DMS, people from across the world, who comment on our status, how many people can you count on as a real friend, you know, for me, same sex or opposite sex. It tends to be people who have known for years and years and years. It's very rare that people who are acquaintances or even people who you participate in, same activities with are actually there for you or understand you or want to be there for you to help.
Speaker 0 00:47:50 I said it before. And I'll say it again. Relationships are hard. That's why I've made this three plus hour episode broken up into a few different parts to give you something to hold on to, to give you understanding, to let you know that you're not alone to let you know that you will get through it, to give you ideas and concepts, to help you work through your own process. We don't consciously choose our own traumas. We don't choose how we want to feel or how we react to someone who hurts us to run or to hide or to shut down or to close up. Oftentimes people who do this, don't even like this quality about themselves. And we all tend to take things very personally. They must not want to be with us because we are not worth it or unworthy or physically unattractive or overweight or underweight.
Speaker 0 00:48:38 And none of that has to be true. People leave for their own reasons. There are things they haven't told. You may never tell you things you don't know about them. They have other ideas and thoughts, and sometimes they don't see you in that vision. And it's the same thing when someone's in love with you and you don't give them attention or exactly what they want, or have no desire to continue with them. You can't change some of these things. If I had my say in how love should go, I would say that unless both people happen to feel roughly the same type of emotional connection together, then they shouldn't be involved. But oddly, you can fall in love with someone and the other person may not reciprocate that love. They could love you. They could have love for you. They could really adore you. They could respect you, but it may be true that they're not in love with you or that they don't see you in that particular light.
Speaker 0 00:49:28 So what do you do if you find yourself in a position like this, it doesn't have to be tragic. You could have a wonderful experience or a wonderful relationship, but it will be a certain kind of relationship. You can absolutely make it work indefinitely. But at a certain point, someone usually the person who wants more or has the feeling of being in love is going to expect or need or convince themselves that they need need more to continue always more, but it's not enough. And often never enough to enjoy the relationship and its current manifestation that you're sharing and together they need your full devotion or full dedication or absolutely uncompromising attention. And the result of that may wind up being that your partner gets hurt. If you don't have that to give to them, you could be awesome. You could be sweet and loving and caring and considerate and generous and fun.
Speaker 0 00:50:27 But if you're not giving them the one thing they need, which you probably know, I E is usually commitment. Then often people need to go somewhere else. Now this is such an interesting subject for me because I've always felt that if you're able to be an emotionally open, untethered, unleashed, unlocked human being, you're in touch with your heart, your emotions, you know how to communicate. You speak your feelings honestly, and cleanly, you can have wonderful experiences together. So I do find that it's a very feminine quality to say, I need more. I always need more. I have to have more. I have to have all of you and you can relate it to biology or eons and eons of our brains working this way so that a woman has security in a nest. And she knows that her children will be okay, et cetera, et cetera. But if you're just enjoying dating someone or being casually with someone, which is not a word I like to use, because to me, there's nothing casual about having sex. In other words, you're not moving towards the white picket fence, the car, the kids, the family is not headed in that direction and you don't need it to be well. I've always felt that if both people are open and honest and wonderful and loving and close, you can have a very, very exciting and dynamic relationship
Speaker 1 00:51:40 That way. So
Speaker 0 00:51:43 If you ever find yourself in a relationship where you feel like you're the person who loves the other person more, and that might be very easy to see, and it might be very tricky to see because someone could love you very much, but you feel more invested. If you feel more invested, there are a few things you could do. Number one, you don't have to do anything. You could just understand that relationships often are this way. Someone loves the other person more. And someone is often in it for different reasons. And they could be wonderful reasons. Like you actually love the person who you're with, or you respect them or you admire them. They could also be biological reasons. Why do you stay with someone security, safety, trust, feeling like you don't want to go into the dating market again, feeling like you'll never meet someone like this.
Speaker 0 00:52:27 Again, feeling like they're your best friend, feeling insecure about how you look. And you're glad that this person accepts you for how they are. You're attracted to them. There's good sacks. You have a good friendship. You have a life together. You have kids. If people are honest with themselves, there are many reasons that you stay together with someone or choose someone who doesn't serve you because you have other selfish motives in mind. I E they take care of you financially. They're paying for the house or they bought you the car, or you want a certain lifestyle, right? That's not a reason to stay with someone or is it when many people hear this? It sounds very unattractive. But if a man stays with a woman because she's hot and he enjoys having sex with her, does that make it better? Given that she's staying with him for a financial arrangement, it gets tricky.
Speaker 0 00:53:11 Nevertheless, often there is a situation where someone loves the other more or someone's more invested. So you can just acknowledge that and know that and have certain boundaries to keep you safe. If you need them at all, what I'm saying is just stay in it and understand that this is how it is. And you just happen to be the one with, you could say the short end of the stick or the one who has a little bit more emotional investment, or you can fully appreciate and maximize what they can give you what they are available for. You put your focus on the absence or lack of what you want, or you can put it on the abundance of what is already there. Assuming you have a healthy relationship. So many women, especially women focus on what they're not getting, what they're not receiving, how they don't have all of him.
Speaker 0 00:53:58 He's not giving her all of his love. Every single ounce of it, all of the attention. If he's texting someone, it should be her. If he's thinking about someone, it should be her. If he's doing anything, he should be wanting to do it with her. And if there's any little piece missing from 100% devotion and dedication, then they exaggerate their blown out feelings. They, as we talked about earlier, start fake fights, create false dramas. And that could be a little nauseated for some men. Why don't I have all of you? Why won't you be just mine? I need more. Give me attention, put all of your attention onto me. Don't look at all those other girls stopped double tapping on Instagram, instead of just focusing on how wonderful and incredible and fulfilling and rewarding it can be. When you're with someone who genuinely cares for you, loves you, has lots of love and respect and admiration for you as a track to you are people allowed to love and appreciate beauty are both men and women allowed to go into the and look at the trees and sky and little animals crawling by are both men and women allowed to appreciate and like, and be attracted to what women try so hard to in fact, offer up to the world, which is their beauty.
Speaker 0 00:55:13 I would think so. So this message here is all about focusing on what is working and not letting your brain spiral endlessly out of control every time you're not in your partner's presence about what's not working now, here's what I'm not talking about. I'm not talking about a situation where you're deeply unfulfilled and unsatisfied, where you're barely getting his scraps, where you see him every so often, just in a moment's notice. And you really know that for this to work, you need much, much more. I'm talking about situations where you definitely know you are in love with someone. You feel deep love for them, and they are not quite there. Or they have an enormous amount of care and love for you, but you're upset and bothered that they're not in love with you. And to this, I say, it's like, who can control this?
Speaker 0 00:56:03 Who has any control over the exact moment in timing when someone falls in love, frankly, and I feel like if any rational minded human being thinks about it, it's a little absurd, short of being outside of the little mermaid or another Disney movie, where you look in each other's eyes and you just know something instantly takes over you and lasts forever more, who is falling in love in the exact same moment as their partner. Obviously there are billions of people on this planet. I'm sure it's happening once in a while, but to carry the expectation that because you are invested a little bit more or your emotions have had their way with you, that someone else and other human beings should feel exactly the way that you do before. They've had time to get there themselves and on their own journey, you got to give it time.
Speaker 0 00:56:47 I should do a whole episode on how to give it time, because you don't want to pressure them. You don't want to force them and you don't want to constantly remind them about what's not working at the same time on the opposite end. You don't want to keep your feelings quiet and not let your intentions be known. Cause that sucks as well. But often what happens is people in this situation who loved the other person more, they give a constant either reminder, or if you're a woman, you often play evil, nasty tricks, and you often do and say things to cause a fight to make sure the person likes you. You create arguments and drama and sabotage situations just so you can have ugly versions of attention. That's certainly not the way to go about it. You don't want a hammer and hammer and hammer someone with your feelings like, Hey, hello. I'm in love with you. Do you see how in love with you? I am. Haven't you notice this? What are we doing? When is this relationship going to go deeper? When are we getting married? When am I moving in? But you also don't want to pull back so far that you're so aloof and pretending you don't care.
Speaker 3 00:57:47 Although, although
Speaker 0 00:57:50 If you're not already six months, a year, two years into this in the beginning, phases pulling back can work for a lot of people. It doesn't work for me personally. I actually, if I see someone pulling back and distancing, I get very, almost instantly put off, turned off and unattracted because I find it to be such a game and so disrespectful and I'm aware of it. And I'm always very transparent and open with my feelings. So if someone withdraws to me, it just feels like they really are withdrawing. And now there's a severing that's beginning to happen.
Speaker 1 00:58:22 But anyway,
Speaker 0 00:58:22 Some people really, really respond well to this. If you've ever done a closest coaching session with me, you know, when you're overly invested, one of my first responses is to say, well, withdraw a little bit. If you're really, really not getting that person to show up how you'd like them to. And that's a tricky line, right? For example, if you're texting every day, you're talking every day, you're seeing each other, you're having sex and there's connection and emotion and cuddles, but you find yourself always thinking, I must have more. I've got to have all of him. This is not really the time to pull back, but if you're constantly available and they are almost impossible to reach, don't really get back to your texts or phone calls. Don't really respond with much to say, they give you a quick call throughout the week, or you feel like there's really an obvious distance between you two or something's not closing the gap. A little withdrawing on your part can be really helpful.
Speaker 1 00:59:14 Cool.
Speaker 0 00:59:17 I personally have been in a few relationships, which had been very for me because she fell in love first and I wasn't there yet. And it took me a little bit longer to get on board. But by the time I was fully on board, she was already checking out. And that is so hurtful to imagine that you put your heart on the line, you open up to someone they're telling you, they want you. They love you. They need a committed, monogamous relationship. That's what it is. And you start to catch up and go there. And as you do, they start pulling away, Oh my God, horrible, horrible situation to be in. I actually think it would be nice if people only got involved in relationships, when both partners recognize that they both want similar things. And as I mentioned earlier, it's really hard. There've been times where I've stepped into new relationships, not intentionally, but while still grieving a previous ex, which has been the exact reason why I might communicate powerfully strongly, effectively to the woman I'm interested in by saying something like, look, I'm not available for full and total commitment. We could have fun. You come over, spend the night. We can have great sex. We can cook. We can dance. We can sing. We can play. We can make smoothies. We can do everything together. But I know that I'm not emotionally available because I'm still reeling from someone who I broke up with previously
Speaker 1 01:00:35 Timing,
Speaker 0 01:00:37 You might say, well, the timing's not right. Well, I don't think it's not right. It's not perfect. It's not the time to start a committed, monogamous relationship and hope the person just catches up. But sometimes in dating, especially in the beginning phases of dating, you don't get a second chance very often to continue to share intimacy or have great sex with someone who happens to come in your life now. So that's why I say enjoy it while it lasts. Enjoy it. While you have it, savor it, appreciate it. Because if you waited or you decide to say, no, you might have never been able to interact with this person this way. Of course, this depends largely on your priorities. If you have a mission, you need children immediately. You need a husband. Now you need committed, monogamous relationship in this instant and nothing else will suffice then yes, that's the wrong choice for you. But one of my longstanding and
Speaker 1 01:01:30 Global beliefs I've held my entire life. Is that
Speaker 0 01:01:34 Better to have the experience than to
Speaker 1 01:01:37 Regret it later, or to be
Speaker 0 01:01:40 Ready to pass away or leave this world at the end of your life and look back and you're going, man, I'm sure. Glad I told her. No. And I'm sure glad I told him no. And I'm sure glad I didn't take that opportunity because what winds up happening is most people get divorced or break up anyway. So many relationships don't last longer than a year or two or three or five or 10. And so all of these opportunities that you said no to in the beginning, because you were holding out for the one. Sometimes you meet the one and even that doesn't work out. So to be clear, I'm not advocating dishonesty or betrayal or cheating on someone in any way. But I'm saying, if you have the opportunity to date someone who you're attracted to and you guys something together, why not explore it, breakups are always hard. You're always going to get hurt. They're always going to be difficult. This is the nature of life. You could become a nomad. You could become Midtown or part of men going their own way. You could become a monk or someone who has no type of sexual or intimate relations again. But is that really what you want?
Speaker 2 01:02:41 So
Speaker 0 01:02:41 To be involved with someone who you think loves you less, who are, you've got more feelings towards them, you've got to have
Speaker 2 01:02:49 Honest, accurate self-assessment
Speaker 0 01:02:53 Where are you right now? I've told many women before when I'm fresh out of a relationship that I can't love you. Hold you cuddle. You ravish. You adore you right now in this moment. Because if I do, I'm likely to be thinking about my ex and I don't want to be doing that. I don't want to be holding you and thinking about her and I'm sure you don't either. Let's face it. Nobody wants to be held
Speaker 2 01:03:16 Or loved or, or slept with
Speaker 0 01:03:19 While you're fantasizing and thinking about and longing for someone else. If you're a guy listening, the boyish part of you might be thinking to himself auto mind. That's cool. As long as I'm getting some, it's not cool. Maybe if you're in it for yourself, fish needs. If you don't care about her and you don't like her and you don't want anything from her, and this is all you want, and you want to be in a situation with someone who's with you as a distraction, rather than because they actually want to be someone else's having sex with you and wishing you or someone else or not even wanting to be there or wishing it wasn't happening or wishing they were still with their ex. It's really the worst sensation.
Speaker 2 01:03:56 So
Speaker 0 01:03:56 Summing up and starting to bring things to a close. Sometimes someone comes along and I immediately can recognize and see how incredible they are and what a wonderful person they are. And sometimes they want to be sexual and intimate, or they're open to connect with me in some way. And I'm just not there emotionally yet, or I don't feel that instant level of attraction or, and this happens with men. I'm sure women too, all the time, it's someone who you can see being intimate or sexual with, but not have it go anywhere else. Often in a woman like this, I can recognize her beauty, her intelligence, her artistry, her incredible cooking, or her sweetness, gentleness and kindness, or even how did the whole package put together. And they're amazing. And I love it, but sometimes I'm not in a space to want a committed, focused, monogamous relationship.
Speaker 0 01:04:44 And sometimes this doesn't even have to do with the other person it has to do with my level of dedication, to my purpose and my craft. Sometimes when I'm helping so many clients per week, it can be a little dizzying to then come home and spend more hours being intimate or involved or listening or talking for me personally, especially having spent all day connecting with other people and helping them on a profound level. And I share all of this intimacy with you to let you know that sometimes you can be the perfect person. Sometimes everything can look great. Not only on paper, but in person as well. And it may still not line up in the way that you see it in the way that you want it to be in the way that you hope it will work well for a lot of people, they either stay in it thinking that they're sacrificing and not really getting what they want with their eye, always on the prize and always on something else that might be within reach, especially women who are hyper-conscious, who are always trying to marry up or date up or look for the next best thing, or stay in a relationship with one person while they're looking for the next or the other thing that happens.
Speaker 0 01:05:48 If you find yourself invested in someone and you think that they're not as fully invested in you, often people run away from this or leave it. And what I'm suggesting is you can pull up quick to retrieve it. There's a lot of stages of gray in between to sum up and share a few more thoughts here at the end. You know, if you're hurting about someone, we talked earlier about bringing it back to you. Now, I feel like most of us don't actually truly get the idea of what it means to put the attention back on yourself or bring things back to you. Most people like to think, Oh, it's a spa day. I deserve this. I'm the best. I'm the princess. I'm the queen. And God helped me. If we ever hear a man saying, I'm the King, I'm a God hear me. It's not about arrogant.
Speaker 0 01:06:31 Self-indulgence it's about taking your attention off the partner who you feel hurt by and bringing it back to you and yes, doing things for you and things that you love and things that you care about. But distraction drugs, alcohol cigarettes, sugar, food, fried food, restaurants, socializing, going out with friends. This isn't really about bringing it back to you. I'm talking more about self work, inner work being with yourself, time in nature, going on, walks, reflecting, writing, doing real things that help you grow and expand and identify who you want to become in this next season of your life. We get far too caught up in what he's doing, what she's doing. I saw them on social media. She made me feel this way. She said this, this thing that he said is still sticking with me today. I reached out and called her again, even though he'd been broken up for a year and I'm still hurting and processing these terrible words, this person said to me, they, they, they, and it's gotta be you. You, you, if you are the person who is breaking up with someone, I think the most important advice I can give on this podcast is to be compassionate, put yourself in their shoes, not imagine how you would feel if you were them, but how you felt when someone has done this to you or someone has done this as someone who you love, be there for your partner. As much as you can be kind have patience. If you can. It really makes a difference.
Speaker 0 01:08:04 Thank you so much for staying with me on this journey. It's really been a pleasure to serve you. You know, so much of what I'm able to share here, unfortunately comes from a lot of pain from myself, from other, from experiences and relationships, from talking to tens of thousands of couples over the course of a lifetime, from the stories I've heard from friends and family, who I've spoken to breakups really are one of the most difficult and tragic parts of life. And you throw in the fact that we can't really choose who falls in love with us or who we fall in love with. And if it's going to happen at the same time, sometimes we just have a way of talking, acting, looking, smiling, and it just makes a person feel incredibly attracted to us and they feel something. And we don't always feel the same way.
Speaker 0 01:08:46 And so I come back to this idea constantly of choosing your partners carefully. If you have a choice, if you're single, if you're not already fully invested in someone, if you're not actually dealing with a breakup or you are dealing with one, but you're ready to start thinking about something new, you want to make sure that whoever your new partner is that they are invested emotionally. They show up, they show up for you when you need them. You want to know that they're in it with you. It doesn't have to look like the end, all be all instantaneously committed, monogamous relationship forevermore. You're just looking for the fact that they are available responsive. They give you feedback and you're able to communicate. It. Doesn't have to be about who says, I love you first, or who has the upper hand or who loves the other person more?
Speaker 0 01:09:36 It's about finding a balance in the relationship of reciprocation, kindness, love, generosity, caring, sharing, sensuality, SACS, playfulness. It's letting your strengths support your partner's weaknesses and vice versa. For me in interactions, adventures, and relationships. I personally am a man of action. Big action. I like showing and demonstrating how I feel rather than just saying it so many times over the years, partners have told me over the phone. I love you. I miss you. I can't wait to see you. But then once they're in person, they behave differently. Somehow maybe they question themselves or they feel insecure or they don't want to speak up and be vulnerable with their feelings. But I like to play full out. I also enjoy giving verbal feedback. What would you like to experience with me? What would you like to know? Where would you like this to go from here?
Speaker 0 01:10:27 We can really choose our own adventure. You know, it's actually okay to put your feelings out there. Even if you want more than what your potential partner has to offer, there's no harm in saying it. You're not going to be so exposed and vulnerable because you want a relationship or you want more than the person has to offer. What's wrong with that. That's what most people want. I'm a big fan of expressing how you feel if your partner is actually heart-centered and conscientious and conscious someone who's awake. Although there are those times, especially in a woman's case where they're always asking questions, like, what are we, what is this? Where is this going? What do we call ourselves? I need to know where we stand right now. Even though we just met or we've just slept together a few times. And those are questions that I find people ask way too early, even before you've had sex or immediately after. And then there's this sort of impulsive or demanding. What is this? And what are we aware? Is this going or some freaking out, it doesn't have to be that way. Nobody knows what the exact outcome is going to be while you're talking and flirting and getting to know one another and dating and putting your absolute best foot forward. Nobody knows after one or two times of having sex, that this is the person I'm going to marry. You might feel that way. And it may turn out to be true, but no one knows for
Speaker 1 01:11:46 Sure if you've
Speaker 0 01:11:48 Been seeing each other for a while, though. Sure. It's appropriate to say, what are we doing? Where is this going? What is this? It's also okay to have your own feelings and desires and let someone know what you're feeling, as opposed to just flipping the question on your partner and asking the, usually him to be told what this is. So often women defer to men to show them the way. And yes, of course, it's great. When a man is strong and powerful, he's the leader. He knows what he wants. He goes and gets it. He tells you what he wants and what he wants to do with you. And you can follow return. Wouldn't that be the dream for many women today, but what I find even amidst all the feminism and equality and all the talk that goes on about that. So many women are just waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting to see what he's going to do.
Speaker 0 01:12:36 Men, if you hear this, know this, they're waiting for you and you can become so much more attractive by making a decision. But what I'm saying is women, you don't have to wait. You can declare, you can claim. You can ask. You don't have to tell yourself that it must mean he doesn't really love me, or it must mean that he doesn't want it bad enough. He doesn't do it. A lot of men just don't know, asking the question however, and demanding an answer, which is what almost everybody winds up doing, puts this enormous pressure on the partner to guess the right thing that they want or to say something that's going to be pleasing to them. Why not share or ask for exactly what you want? Why not let your desires and intentions be known. So it's clear and it's out there and your partner has the chance to respond in a healthy way.
Speaker 1 01:13:19 Wow. What a dream world. It's great
Speaker 0 01:13:23 To get clear. And it's great to only look for people who can actually articulate that way. And rather than saying something like, Oh, I don't know what I want. I'm just chilling. I just want to keep this low key. I don't know what I'm looking for right now. I can't commit. I'm not really looking to get too serious right now. All of these general, very vague phrases or signs that the person is an en, as you can see, there has been a lot to cover here. I hope that at least one or more of these episodes have helped you immensely through navigating your own breakup or your own troubles. In any relationship you may be in whoever you are, whatever your gender is and whatever your preferences are. If you haven't already please consider subscribing to our YouTube
[email protected] forward slash closeness. And of course you can listen to the closest podcast everywhere can be found. And if you think that I'm the right coach for you, if listening to this really resonates with you and you want to work with me, one-on-one whether you live in San Diego or somewhere else in the world, consider filling out our intake form at www dot, get closest.com forward slash intake. Thank you for listening. You will get through this
Speaker 4 01:14:29 <inaudible>.
