Episode Transcript
Speaker 0 00:00 Hi, my name is Tari and I'm your host of the closeness podcast. Welcome to the episode on how to properly have sex with a woman. I better deliver. If you're a man listening to this, you're probably thirsty for the down and dirty. The technique, the how to the cliff notes, the abridged version. Just tell me what to do and how do I accomplish my goal, but to understand technique, there always has to be a framework or a base or an origin point before you can just act out the motions. I want to give you the secret sauce, the stuff that isn't quite tangible, but you can feel it and you can learn to see it. This is not a technique based episode. It's not a question of holding her face like this, penetrate her like that and you'll get this desired result. There are always much, much more subtle things at play that we need to know about before you can use any sort of technique.
Speaker 0 00:53 A lot of this has to do with mindset, confidence, belief, system, energy, adaptability, the way you hold yourself and carry yourself when you're around a woman. It's the subtle, unseen things that have a powerful, powerful impact on how much pleasure she's going to receive. And that is primarily what this episode is going to focus on. So starting at the top, it's my belief that you can divide people into two categories when it comes to sex and intimacy. People who are more selfishly oriented and people who are more selfless, the givers and the receivers. Do you like to take or do you like to receive? And of course there's a spectrum. Many of us, including myself, fall somewhere in the middle where we enjoy giving and we enjoy receiving. I started out primarily as a giver and it's taken me quite a long time to get to the point where I can receive equally if someone's willing to go there.
Speaker 0 01:43 So givers will need to ask themselves the question, how can I receive more? How can I open up more? How can I just relax when someone wants to do something great for me? And how can I allow my partner to take pleasure in doing something for me? But the tables are turned if you're someone who is a taker. Now, interestingly, when it comes to having sex with a woman, I also believe that if you are a selfish lover, it is very likely that your partner doesn't think you are that great in bed. If you're exclusively focused on yourself, your pleasure, your finishing, you being in your head ending experiences early, you coming, how you feel, how you look, or even your ability to please a woman, which we're going to get into in a moment. That's not where it's at. And on the other hand, if you're too selfless, losing yourself in her, only focused on her, obsessed with her, watching over her every need, being very jumpy and quick to do as much as you possibly can to make sure she's okay.
Speaker 0 02:45 That can feel very odd to anyone, and that can be for many reasons. One could be she doesn't think she deserves that much attention. In fact, if any of you, man or woman have ever experienced someone who puts so much attention on you, it gets a little uncomfortable. It's like, okay, let's take the spotlight off of me for a moment. Although there are plenty of people who want that spotlight on them all the time. But for many of us it's just too much and too intense. We don't want the focus on us all the time. It's like give us a little breathing room. But often that feeling can come about because the person who's giving you so much attention can be a little needy as well. But you're likely to resonate with this idea of not wanting so much attention on you all the time.
Speaker 0 03:25 If you yourself happened to be a big giver, if you're rolling your eyes in your head and saying, what are you kidding? I can never get enough attention. Never get enough focus on me, then it's likely you're a selfish lover. Another word for selfish is self oriented. Not necessarily a bad thing, but both in their extremes can be a little uncomfortable for the other partner. So there's constantly this ebb and flow when it comes to being a generous lover or someone who's very much a giver. So let's start this topic off by discussing what I want to call a paradigm, an idea, a thought process around how to have sex with a woman, and most of us embodied this belief. Most of us, regardless of our gender. If you've been with someone who enjoys pleasuring you, someone who's a selfless lover, someone who enjoys giving, especially if it's a man doing it, many, many women have convinced themselves that this is a man's job role.
Speaker 0 04:22 Essence. It's what he loves to do. Let him be a man. Let him shine. Let him be in his happy place. A woman might say, pleasuring me. So often I hear in circles, especially spiritual circles. He loves to please me. He loves going down. He loves making me come. He loves buying my dinner, paying for my trips, taking me places. It's his duty, his job, his role, his natural inclination, his instinct to provide doesn't a man love giving to a woman and then therefore they'll draw the conclusion that this is sort of his place in the world of a man is supposed to. It's his nature to, it's his obligation to open a woman up or continuously spend hours and hours pleasing her. So this'll come up later in this episode, but to me, this is where some beliefs such as when a man asks, what do I get out of this relationship?
Speaker 0 05:16 And a woman answers, Oh, you get me. He had to enjoy me. That's where some of these beliefs come from in these assumptions that it's a man's role or job to do and provide certain things and vice versa for women, of course. So it will take the stance that women often have the belief that it's a man's nature duty or job for a man to give pleasure or to accommodate everything in anything that a woman might throw at him. Men have kind of got on board with this, and believe it or not, this is where I want to begin our discussion on how to have great sex with a woman. It's very easy to fall into the trap and pattern of, Oh, he loves to do it. Let a man do what a man's gotta do. Let him take care of me. Let him pay for me, let him treat me, let him adore me and ravish me and worship me.
Speaker 0 06:03 And I know all of this sounds really, really wonderful. And some of you also might be saying to yourself, yeah, give me a guy like that. That's exactly what I want. I'm so tired of these selfish guys or these guys who think only themselves. There really are two types of people in the world. And so if you find yourself coming in contact with one who's selfish over and over and over again, we gotta look at what you're attracting. But what's critical for us to look at here and where I want to begin is by examining what is at the core. What is driving a man's desire to pleasure you? What is really motivating him? Why is he receiving apparent pleasure out of doing, you might say endless sexual favors or gratifying or paying or constantly pleasing you. And it's my belief, there are exceptions, but it's my belief that we don't do anything unless we believe that in the doing it or having of it, we ourselves are going to experience pleasure.
Speaker 0 07:02 And what is that based in? It's usually based in selfishness. It usually makes people feel good to feel needed, wanted, or desired, and it makes people feel good to feel like they've, especially men, achieved unlocked or did or created something or they feel powerful because they've made you come and in that feeling needed that makes a person want to be more helpful. They're giving, and I'm sure women can relate to this when you feel needed or useful as opposed to feeling use lists. So where am I going with this? Many, many men on this planet derive their pleasure from pleasing women, not because they are the most kind, loving, caring, generous, amazing men on the planet, but because it's soothes and strokes their ego. Look at how many times I made you come. If I could do this with my finger, imagine what I could do with the rest of my body if she gets wet just by being in my presence.
Speaker 0 08:09 Imagine what comes next. I can please any woman. I can give a woman all sorts of orgasms. I'm so good in bed. My cock is this long. I can make you come like this. I, I, I, me, me, me, it's all about me and what I can do and what I'm capable of, which then in turn makes me feel good and powerful and satisfied and directly translates into a man loves to do it. And I think so often men have made the process of this a very mechanical one and a very get the job done kind of experience. Sometimes I feel like men look for ways for things not to be connected, that they're just matter of fact and they're just simply a system or a way or a means to an end. And I'm not a fan of this process at all. And it's hard because in many ways pleasing a woman can very much be about mechanics and a technique.
Speaker 0 09:11 And how do you sustain a particular stroke or tongue stroke or how do you do a certain thing? Men love figuring it out. And then once we figured out we give ourselves a Pat on the back and we think we did a great job and then we're very proud of ourselves for what we've done to her as opposed to with her connected to her an experience, not a process that you went through together. A facilitating, an opening, something that allowed her to tap into her own pleasure, not an achievement based on how great he is or how much better he is than the next guy. For me, there's always got to be an element of closeness, intimacy, love, care, something in that neighborhood of emotion wrapped up in your skill set and your knowhow, but you better believe that there is a skill set just like there is to be in a relationship or just like there is to ride a motorcycle.
Speaker 0 10:10 There's a skill set involved in having great sex with woman and it can be learned, but it can't come exclusively from following a guidebook, a to Z and hoping you're going to get the same result every time. There has to be that magical combination of love, presence, connection, being with her, reading her, feeling her. Those are all the secrets right there and that is emotional intelligence. That's something that's learned over time. You don't just get it by having sex with the same woman 10 times. There has to be a series of experiences, I believe, to be able to understand how all of this works. So where are you coming from? What's your origin place? Are you trying to conquer women? Are you blindly plowing through women to have as many partners as you can? Are you trying to Sue then stroke your ego just so you can take the credit for how much you've pleasured her.
Speaker 0 11:05 This is where it all begins. Step one, get out of your ego. Put your focus on something else. If you're going to have great sex with a woman, if you're going to really please her beyond physical pleasure and just coming if you want to leave her really satisfied. If you are to yearn for you, then your ego cannot be involved. Confidence can be there. Knowhow and skill can be there and being proud of yourself can be there, but selfishly doing things for women because it makes you look good. That kind of stuff can be left behind. In essence, you need to get beyond yourself. You need to get out of your head and into her body, her mind, her universe of pleasure. So step number one is getting out of your ego, doing things with a different intention, recognizing when you want self-gratification, even when you're doing something for someone else.
Speaker 0 12:00 And that's a great jumping off place for number two, which is going beyond yourself, getting out of your thoughts, your fears, your concerns, your anxiety, your insecurity and putting the focus on her. And we're going to get back to that in just a moment, but that bleeds right into number three, which is being okay with what we can call her narcissism when it comes to pleasuring her being comfortable with this element of narcissism, this very self centered, you could say selfish or referring to the self, focus on her pleasure as opposed to anything else that might be going on so that she can fully, fully relax, which by the way constitutes a very large part in a woman's comfort when it comes to her having sex with you. Can she relax? Can she open, settle into you, give herself to you and feel safe with you so that she can let go and she also has to be okay with this.
Speaker 0 13:05 I know I'm using a strong word narcissism because if she's worried even remotely about what you're thinking, how you feel about her, how you are, if you like what you're looking at, if she feels fat or not or attractive or not if her hair's done or not, if she cleaned her room or not, if you're really into her or you're just using her for some sort of sexual need. And these are just some of her thoughts. If she's focused on anything other than her own pleasure, it's going to be very challenging for her. Number one, to get there, to have an orgasm and number two, to enjoy the experience as a whole if you are exclusively focused on yourself. And number one, she can sense it but two, there's no way she's going to get there cause she's not going to be able to relax or get out of her head or feel concerned or anxious or worry.
Speaker 0 13:49 There are of course always exceptions and women who can get there no matter what and under any circumstance in an under two minutes or less, it's rare. But worth mentioning. Let's get back to this idea of going beyond yourself. What does that mean? Many times you hear me talk about the fact that women are always in their heads when it comes to sex and intimacy. Well, men by nature do the very same thing. We are constantly in our heads or down between our legs. We're thinking with one of the two heads, but we are always thinking, thinking, thinking. We're not feeling, and I don't think that the process that allowed us to design incredible architecture go to graduate school and become doctors and start companies and create investments and plow fields is the same method that needs to be applied to intimacy, sex, and dating.
Speaker 0 14:38 It's a different skillset. The thinking, the step by step, the mechanical, the insecurity or nervousness. A lot of that needs to be left by the wayside. If you're dealing with anxiety, insecurity, lack of confidence, uncertainty, even nervousness, all of that stuff is going to Telegraph to her right away. She's going to feel it. She's going to take it onto herself. Especially because you are inside of her. There's a lot of connecting going on, but what do you do with it? What do you do with all of your anxieties and concerns and thoughts? So often dating coaches and people who have methods to have better sex with people that they say, well you got to not do this stuff. Or they'll say things like, be confident or you've been doing it wrong, or you can't get there from here and what the hell do you do with that?
Speaker 0 15:25 How does someone who's not confident be confident and at best, what people seem to offer, which is very valid, is fake it until you make it. But I think you can tap into something different. You can tap into her and shift your entire focus from what's going on in you onto how to make her feel fantastic. And when you change your focus with anything in life, your problems, your issues, your ego, when you shift it to something else outside of yourself, you can often break your resistance, break the pattern or break the vibe. You stop having that pattern replay in your head. You stop thinking too much and you become more present. And in the moment. Now that's an interesting idea because also one of the ways to become present in the moment is taking deep breaths. Centering yourself, meditating before going on a date.
Speaker 0 16:16 There are a lot of ways where you can go inside as well, but if you're inside is turbulent, there's a lot of turmoil and you're constantly thinking or stressing, get out of the way of yourself by focusing on her and doing so confidently. Well, what does confidence look like? Confidence is comfort in your own skin, great unintentional posture. It's not feeling controlled and mechanical or influenced by others or shut down by others. It's moving slowly. It's talking slowly. It's deepening your voice without exaggerating it. It's being able to connect to her flow and the speed at which she wants to move and it's being present. We're gonna talk about all these things later, but really, and this is why number two and three meld together so perfectly, it's diving into her selfishness, her being all about herself and putting the focus on her and so often really great sex.
Speaker 0 17:15 When you get that feedback from a woman, it's because you've done something like this, not because you've been selfish about your own pleasure. Though I fully believe you can enjoy yourself immensely and a woman can enjoy herself. I mean why do it otherwise if you both aren't going to have a wonderful time, but when you're moving towards something specific, if you're trying to make her come, if you wanted to have a really, really rewarding experience is a lot that has to happen beyond thrusting. So getting into her selfishness, and I know we don't like that word, it's a tricky word to get around. There are times to me when being selfish is not that you want to do, but oddly sometimes the only way she's going to manage to focus and release is when all of the attention and all of the pleasures on her.
Speaker 0 17:58 And you might say, well geez, when do I get my turn? Or how does it work for me? Or why do I have to give so much of myself? What you're helping a woman do here is not think and also not worry or be concerned about anything else. And that takes a lot of direct, more often than not masculine presence and masculine energy to do that. Another way of speaking about being selfish is being self oriented and from birth. We are raised so strongly to not do this, to not be about ourselves. And I say there's a time and a place and there's definitely, definitely a time when being selfish is appropriate for all people. So putting the attention on her, being with her, staying focused, observing and connecting as you go through this experience together. All right, number four, and this is something women are incredibly gifted at, even though I can say with a hundred percent certainty that both men and women place a high value on appearance and sex appeal and how someone looks physically, you better believe that everyone appreciates someone who's healthy and fit and looks vibrant and alive.
Speaker 0 19:12 But number four is going beyond appearance, transcending it. It's something that comes very easily to women almost naturally and almost in a way where they can't help it. But I think that is a very difficult big ask if you are a man. So what do I mean when I say that? Do I mean have sex with anybody regardless of how they look and only see them on the inside and accept their heart for who they are? Wouldn't that be a beautiful world for us to live in? I think that's a little too idealistic. I don't really think that's possible for most people. I think what is much more probable and much more accessible is to choose and select women that you have sex with, who you actually like and who you're physically sexually attracted to, top to bottom. This may sound like a simple thing, but it's not everyone, especially men, know how easy it is to get carried away by a woman's face or butt or legs or chest or some aspect of her that really caught your attention.
Speaker 0 20:16 Sometimes women put themselves together so well that they look completely different from who they are and it's hard to see that without spending quality time with them. I don't think women entirely realize how they can decimate every thought on a man's mind just by simply catching the side of their chest within our sight or simply looking at their shape or seeing something that excites us so, so strongly. So sometimes you talk to a girl, you never felt an attraction to her to begin with. You were just obsessing about a body part. So really making sure that you are genuinely physically attracted to this person and of course that you find something more to connect with her on other than her body. If you already find yourself in a relationship or you're married or you've been married for a very long time, I'm going to make a few very dangerous statements and this is something that we could speak for an entire hour about.
Speaker 0 21:07 If you are in relationship, I would never say break up with someone because you're not attracted to them. What a superficial, horrible thing to say, especially if you have family involved or children or you've been together for decades. There's a hell of a lot more involved than just saying, well, I'm not into it anymore. However, if you are in a committed monogamous relationship and the terms and conditions of your relationship dictate that you shall not will, not, must not end, never will flirt with anyone else, engage with anyone else in an intimate, sensual or sexual manner. But then at home you're not having any sex day after day, week after week, month after month, even year after year. Here it comes. Why are you staying in this relationship? If you place a high value on sexual intimacy, regular intimacy, cuddles, soft kisses at night, snuggling up in the morning and in the evening, affection, touch, connecting.
Speaker 0 22:08 If you can't do that with anyone else in the universe here, this clearly, if you are not allowed, if you're not even supposed to think about it, if you feel guilt or shame for flirting with someone else or brushing by someone in a coffee shop and sharing a smile with them. If the only person in the entire world that you're allowed to be intimate with doesn't want to be intimate with you, won't be or doesn't do things that you enjoy or you're completely unmatched in that department, but your best friends. If you're with someone who you can't do any of that fun stuff with, what are you doing in the relationship? And so when you hear it like that, it's not so superficial is it? It doesn't come down to, well, I don't find my partner attractive anymore, or he or she has gained some weight or he or she looks different or has let themself go or I just want something new or she's a blonde and I want a brunette or any of this.
Speaker 0 23:02 It becomes more about what are we doing and why are we continuing to keep this relationship going? Assuming that in addition to just loving someone, one of the big reasons that we share monogamy with someone is sexual exclusivity. Is it really enough to just say I love them? Is it really enough to just say, I want to preserve this for the simple act of preservation. Is it enough to say I don't want to be alone, or is that exclusively coming from a place of fear and projection and even paranoia does saying that I love them. I don't want to lose them. I want to preserve this in this moment. Do anything for your daily loving interactions when it comes to intimacy and real connection. Touch eye contact, kissing, holding each other, laying next to each other, cuddling one another. Where is all of that in those explanations, if you or your partner defines their relationship, which they are completely entitled to do as having sexual intimacy, having sex, being made love to or being fucked at the top of their hierarchy as who they are or as a central component of the relationship.
Speaker 0 24:21 If that's no longer there or one or both of you, no longer feel attracted to each other or one or the other person is not willing to put in the work to do what it takes to reimagine the relationship of how it can be, then perhaps it is time to discuss a change. Perhaps it's time to explore a different kind of relationship. Perhaps it's time to let go. Perhaps it's time to move on or perhaps it's time to really step up the game if you're capable of doing so and if that's something you actually want. If you don't want the same things. If you're fundamentally different in a relationship. If one person loves sex all the time, can talk about it as open with it is free with it, and the other person is a lot more private, doesn't think about sex as often, doesn't crave it as often, doesn't want it as often.
Speaker 0 25:14 Then why are you continuing to keep it together? I know imposing very, very powerful, intense, hard to answer questions here, but I also know that when most of us are in relationship, we don't ask ourselves these things. We either chastise ourselves for wanting too much sex or wanting more from our partners or we make ourselves feel bad or they make us feel bad for wanting more. It's not because I want to see you hurt. It's not because I want to break up a happy family. I don't want to break up anybody's home. But would you be happier in the long run with the person you're with or with someone different and that's a really, really challenging decision. It's not something that you just think that you're going to accept. After listening to this, I don't want to sway you one way or another. When you have family involved, when you've got years and years and years of a relationship involved, there's a lot at stake.
Speaker 0 26:04 So I know it's a huge decision, but what I think has been neglected for so many years are yours or your partners, sexual needs, needs not desires, not hopes, not curiosities needs and people minimize that as being less important or not important when it's something that comes forth as strongly as the desire to live or play sports or have children or anything else you do that you love and you're passionate about. For many people, sexuality is a fundamental component of who they are. We're not here to talk about breakups, so let's keep going because if you are in a relationship is hope and we're going to talk about shifting your attention onto the things that you do love and appreciate about your partner because there's something attractive about everyone. There's something sexy or cute or likable or desirable or shiny about everyone and you can definitely pick that out.
Speaker 0 27:00 You always hear me talk about things being on a spectrum. There are definitely dogs, men who have sex with anything that walks, anything that's a female gets them hard and excited and I guess those guys don't have to worry about it so much. But if you're someone who's selective or picky or you have good taste or you know you have a certain type or a certain ethnicity or a certain something or other origin to Sequoia when it comes to your selection process for women than it's really worth making sure that you're into her so that you can go beyond it. You can go beyond her looks by making sure that you're already physically attracted to her and for man, you had really better be certain because as much as women don't like this and maybe don't want to admit it themselves, but if you've got your own hangups with, certainly are yours to work on, but you're allowed to feel how you feel about not liking certain qualities about other people.
Speaker 0 27:52 You know, I've heard it all the way a woman parts her hair to one side or the way someone holds their mouth. Many of these things are very sexy and many of these things when you're with the right person are a total turn on. I'm not talking about looking for people without flaws. That doesn't exist. What I'm talking about is if you know that your really turned off by something, be specific. If you're turned off by a woman who's got flesh-eating monsters and skulls, daggers and blood and body parts and corpses dripping down her tits and she's decided to use her nipples as the eyeballs of dead dragons or she's decided to tattoo lines all up and down the backs of her legs indicating where she might be sliced open for surgical points. If she has a rainbow on her vagina or a star on her solar plexus and that really turns you off, well then you should probably go for a woman who's less tatted up.
Speaker 0 28:40 We live in a world where suddenly we are supposed to accept everything in anything as beautiful, wonderful, incredible expressions of a person's individualistic personality. And I say, absolutely not. Absolutely not. You are allowed to express yourself that way. But to think that everyone who sees it or comes in contact with it or interacts with you is going to be just all embracing and comfortable and loving and accepting. It's an impossible task. Can't please the world. You can't please the peanut gallery. But you might say to me, tare sometimes I don't know that she's tattooed, decomposing flesh and dead carcasses all over her tits and ass. How do I know this? And I say, well, you're right, but usually by the presence of about 60 other tattoos, you can use context clues to infer that her breasts might be possessed. So if you enjoy a clean, fresh, soft chest with no ink on it, where you can see the full expanse of her chest and what it looks like, then you know you need to go for.
Speaker 0 29:37 And you should not be trying to get someone in bed who you're not physically attracted to just because you can. And just because she's willing. Why is this so critically important? And if you're a woman listening, this might sound a little harsh when it comes to being very specific with how a woman looks and appearance, but it's not. It's so important and I think you're going to appreciate it immensely. By us being very selective of who we want to have sex with, it allows us to keep all of the attention on you. If something about someone else makes us feel disgust, which is a completely involuntary response, by the way, if a man is turned off by you or worse yet, maybe he doesn't like the way you taste or smell or something about your pheromones, whatever it might be, and it's not as though this only goes one direction from men to women.
Speaker 0 30:26 Women also are repulsed, disgusted, turned off by fed up with completely shut down by men who act, look, smell, and behave a certain way. You know this, there are plenty of things that bother you about men. Hundreds and hundreds of things that you don't like. What it comes down to is if something bothers you, don't sleep with them. Don't have sex with him. Don't go through all the motions to put them in their most vulnerable spot and then you yourself are turned off by the very person who found yourself there. It's like the same thing when men decide to call women's slots after they have sex with them. You went through all the trouble of calling her, connecting with her, taking off her clothes, having sex with her, and then judging her. Why go through all that trouble if she's someone who you're not really attracted to.
Speaker 0 31:12 So what this one is all about is that if we're not really into you, if we're not really attracted to you, we're not going to be able to put all of our attention on you. And where do you want all of our attention? Do you want us off in her head? Do you want us asking ourselves, Oh my God, why am I doing this? Is this a mistake? No one wants to be in the position of vulnerable position of having sex and thinking that the other person might be turned off by them or that they're not enough. Many people have these thoughts. Even when you guys think that you love each other, even when you think you're in love or you've been in a relationship for awhile, all people questioned in my attractive enough, my beautiful enough, am I enough for him? Whatever enough means, and if you're not single, it's about focusing on the qualities and aspects that you do love and appreciate, especially if you have a critical eye.
Speaker 0 32:04 A critical eye will always move towards the things you don't like. And I find that a simple shift of focus, like I'm just going to pick something very general that hopefully isn't offensive. Say you don't like your girls forearms, he really turned off by her forearms. Maybe she looks like Popeye down there, something. Look at something else. If you're in a marriage and you feel like it bothers you and you have a hard time getting over it because men are often so physical and we're so appearance oriented, keep your attention elsewhere or close your eyes or remember the things that you do love about her or feel into her. But this idea of sleeping with a girl or because she will or because she wants you or because it's available or because it's there I don't think is useful or great. It might be quickly hot in the moment, but it'll be quickly forgotten about immediately after and especially hurt.
Speaker 0 32:54 She's not going to leave that experience feeling wonderful. Okay? Then that moves us right into number five, enjoying the journey and not rushing the destination, not not enjoying the destination, not pretending the destination doesn't exist, but enjoying the journey to get there and where does the journey start? As soon as both of you have become present and know that something is starting to shift, whether you want to call it excitement, horniness curiosity, ready to play, ready for action, something's hot. As soon as things start to shift in that direction, right from there, how do you savor it and not jump the gun and try to hurry up and get inside of her? Hurry up and have sex and especially not tried. Hurry up and come. So often men need release, and by the way, a simple tip for this, especially if you are under 40 years old, is just masturbate before you have sex with her.
Speaker 0 33:49 Especially if you're younger man, do it the same day or several hours before as you get older in life, you can do it the day before so that you don't feel this urgency, this necessity to have to penetrate her, have her be inside of her income and finish because that is completely selfishly oriented and really, again, it's not going to yield either of you. A memorable experience. So what does it mean to enjoy the journey? What does that mean to me it's about savoring her, recognizing that this moment is all you have. You can't be with 10 other people at the same time. You can't be doing anything else to be really intimate with someone. You can't be focused on work or texting. There's not a lot you can do. I think one of the only things you can really enjoy other than presence and sexual intimacy and enjoying the journey is when something extremely comfortable or nature is involved.
Speaker 0 34:46 That's sort of enhancing the experience, being outside fresh air, even great music, a comfortable bed. These enhancements that are sort of around you while you're doing it, but being in it requires a lot of presence, which of course is number six. So number five and number six go hand in hand together. Enjoying the journey and being present to enjoy something. You have to savor it, to savor it. You have to be in the moment. You can't have your mind constantly jumping to the next, to the next, to the next, to the next. You can't be focused on kissing her and being with her and making out with her while you're thinking, how do I get this bra off? How do I play with her tits? How do I get her pants off? How do we get her panties off? How do we get inside of her next, next, next, next, next.
Speaker 0 35:29 If you have that mentality, if you are having sex that way, then all you're doing is going next, next, next, next, next done, done, and then it's an item that you check off your list. Like anything else. You got this done, you got that done and you're going through life. Just check, check, check, tick, tick, tick, go, go, go get it done. Women do this also by the way, you're not exempt. So the savoring, the feeling, the tasting, the kiss, you can move fast through the phases. It's there's no obligation to even kiss before you have sex. There's no obligation to do anything before you have sex, but many people prefer to do so. And there is sort of this getting into it, this warming up that many people need before they begin to be intimate and it can't just be a preliminary, an an appetizer, a requirement before moving to the next level even if you both want each other.
Speaker 0 36:22 Now here's a little side note. I was spending time with the girl who I care about very much and as we started to get intimate, it quickly became apparent that today was not going to be the day for a variety of reasons. We wanted to get tested. We wanted to have a great place to do it, not just in a car. Both of us had come out of breakups and so there's a little more to it than just doing it. As soon as I discovered that it wasn't an opportune time to have sex, I shifted something inside myself. Not emotionally, not physically per se. I really put my attention on keeping my composure so that things wouldn't get too worked up. Let's not get too ramped up and then get to a place where we have to stop because there's not for women, it's an exciting prospect to want to want to yearn to yearn to build up the tease and build up the teas and wait for man.
Speaker 0 37:09 It can be a little excruciating, so I very simply just redirected my attention. But what was interesting is what she wanted from me in the moment was to feel everything. She wanted to feel all of my passion and desire for her, what it would feel like to be extremely, wanted to have me let go, to have me really go for it, to feel, wanted to feel like I was hungry for her and not, for example, nonchalantly just kissing, touching, going through the motions, taking clothes off and going at it. And in fact, I was very into her, very into the situation and of course wanted to go there, but I later explained that you can't get me to a place of wine or rip your clothes off and doing everything but, and giving you everything I've got. But then we have to stop and then what do we talk about it?
Speaker 0 37:56 Do we just sit there? Do we just shift the subject into something else? If you build and build and build and build and build and then nothing. I don't mean release. I don't mean orgasm on my part. I just mean the whole thing has to stop. While that can be challenging, and so why do I share this story? You want to make sure that you want to have sex with this man, your ready to have sex with this man as much as you can be, because I know it's not always something that you know right away and that you actually have somewhere to do it that feels good and safe and comfortable. It may sound a little funny, but if you want to have great sex, make sure you want to have great sex and you're in a place to do it and follow through with it.
Speaker 0 38:34 So many women get caught up in that anxiety of, do I want this? Do I not? I don't want to feel pressure, but what if I do? But what if I tell him no and then I suddenly changed my mind or I can't read him? I don't know if he wants to do it. That's where lining up with it comes in is God. Talk about it. Give each other some cues, some signs, do things that move in that direction and then have a conversation if it's appropriate, but be in a place mentally and physically where you can do it. Now this gives way to another important topic that's very important for men. You can't read a woman's mind and sometimes that's a very good thing. She has so many thoughts going on in there. So many things she's questioning. So many things she's wondering about and it might seem so, so, so simple for you.
Speaker 0 39:20 Just do this. Just do that. I hate the word just by the way, it's so reductive, but you can invite a woman to have conversation. What do you, what are you feeling so angsty about? I see that you look a little conflicted. What's going on? Let's talk about the pink elephant in the room. Are you worried about us going further? Is there something you want to say? You don't know how to say it. Can we dive into it? If it's a little awkward? So what? I'm happy to see through it. Whew. That can work wonders on a person, especially a girl who's very cerebral, reading her, feeling her better yet asking, are you ready to have sex with me tonight? It sounds really funny, but it's a question that's really, ah, are you ready to have sex with me tonight? Are you ready to have sex with me tonight? Are you ready to have sex with me tonight? Are you ready to have sex with me tonight?
Speaker 0 40:13 Look, they're going to be times where someone may say or feel you might even be thinking right now. If you have to ask, you're not ready. That's not necessarily true, but it is true that there are times where you don't have to ask because you feel it so strongly. Think of it like this. Men, you have sex with a woman for you. It carries little to no consequence. Five minutes after you're done having sex for a woman, there is consequence in her own mind. It might just be her own personal hell about how she berates herself or makes herself feel, or if she feels judged or shame or guilt or maybe like she did something she didn't want to do. There's a lot that happens afterwards. If you're ready, you're ready, but checking in, talking about it, especially if it's new, it's your first few times together. Can really do wonders to bring you both much, much closer. And you know how I feel about closeness.
Speaker 0 41:07 Number seven, let's go back to presence for a moment. To me, this one thing alone can be earth shatteringly effective when it comes to having sex with or properly fucking a woman the way she wants, not the way you want, but to give her an experience that's super, super memorable. You know, being present can sound very elusive. I'm standing right here. I am present. I'm with you. Here I am. I'm sitting right here. I'm present in the moment. I'm lying next to you. I want you. I am present. How do you get around that? How do you go deeper than that? How do you make her feel something? So again, I feel it's having your attention on her, but without too much excessive need and without any inkling that you're thinking about someone else focused on something else, distracted by something else, you've got your mind on work or another woman or an ex-girlfriend or an old lover, or the fact that you're hungry or the fact that you're feeling anxiety, anxious or nervous or insecure.
Speaker 0 42:11 It's finding ways to get out of all that and exclusively have your attention on her. Yes, a woman can be very, very demanding and it's not because they're telling you what they need. It's not because they're telling you, I demand this or you better give me that. It's just a sense of if it's not there, there's a problem. Now, some people use as a technique sometimes for women to stay wet and turned on sometimes for men to stay harder, fantasizing about another person, imagining it's them that they're having sex with these your own private thoughts. It's understandable that if you need a little help or a little assistance once in awhile, that sometimes relaxing into your own thoughts can be helpful, but I do think that should be used far more sparingly, like a tool that you pull out once in a while when needed, but you don't default to it or depend on it.
Speaker 0 42:58 In fact, if you study an LP, it could be nice to set an anchor within yourself that if you touch yourself in a certain way or you think about a certain thought or person that it gets you maybe instantly hard or instantly wet, and you use that as a way to connect more with the partner who you're with, then you step away from that thought and you focus on them. That can be really powerful as well. Most women don't know it themselves. Some can't articulate it, but even if you're just fucking or it's a casual hookup, a woman wants all of your attention, whether she says it or not, whether she shows it or not, she wants it and needs it. So presence, ramping up the intensity, taking your time. Just take a little more time than you normally would is sometimes all that's needed. If you think you're quick to jump the gun or you're too flighty or jerking your responses slow way, way down.
Speaker 0 43:53 Number eight, whether you have been married for 30 years, whether you haven't had sex in months, weeks, or years, whether you're newly single or you enjoy being permanently single, there are so many paths to get to the Tootsie roll center of the Tootsie pop. There's not one or two ways to have sex with or touch or connect with a woman. There are so many different ways to approach her. Love her, adore her, ravish her, have her, including if you're having sex with the same person over and over again. It doesn't have to be, it doesn't need to be an, it shouldn't be the same technique and the same approach every single time just because you know something that she tends to like so often men latch onto. Okay, if I put my index finger like this inside in my left hand is massaging her clit and I'm stroking at the speed that works, that gets her off.
Speaker 0 44:46 I figured it out, I'm going to do that every time and satisfy my woman and that's not really satisfying. It can generate an orgasm. Perhaps you'd figure out her physiology. It can be marginally satisfying or satisfying sometimes, but it doesn't give that deep nourishing experience. Don't think that just because you figured out one way to make her come that there aren't several others or that just because you figured out something that she likes that every time at a certain point or even at all that you need to do that one thing. So number nine is read her. So I was touching on a moment ago and also in other podcasts, deep listening or paying real conscious, close, sweet, loving attention to her body language or words or energy, her actions feeling into what's happening. It's about emotional intelligence. And I'll give you an example about reading a girl and an actual situation where I could have read her even better for me to go down on a girl, I have to be particularly attracted to her.
Speaker 0 45:47 It's important to me to feel connected to her and turned on by her. And then I very much love it and enjoy it and can really get into it and there are certain markers or things that a girl can do that I really appreciate that make me want to do it. And this particular girl had those markers that were important to me. The way she smelled, the way she tasted, the way things were kept down there, the viscosity, all number of things. It made it feel very appealing for me to want to do it. And there's so many things that turn us on or off, right? The way someone moves, talks, smells, tastes, the way they move their body, how their skin looks, how they take care of themselves. And she had it. I was super into the way she looked and presented and her intelligence or personality, it was all there.
Speaker 0 46:32 And so that coupled with the fact that say you were sitting down with me in private coaching and you said, Hey, what's one of the number one ways to turn on and excite a woman? I would say eat her out correctly. Listen to the episode on how to go down and share that experience with her. So it's something that I'm a big advocate of. I think almost all women are a big advocate of it if they're open to it and receptive to it, and yet it wasn't needed. So here's a simple story of a time where I could have listened even more. This is someone who I've known for a long time but have only seen a couple of times 10 years ago, and she's a super intelligent girl, which is something that really also excites me as well. Out of the blue, we're talking about getting together and finally meeting up and we've been trying to do so for a good period of several months, I'd say.
Speaker 0 47:16 But nevertheless, I still haven't seen her in nearly a decade. And so out of the blue during the day that we finally decided to get together, I receive a message that says, can we have sex? Now I love receiving like this, especially when there's no reason to assume that we might have before, especially if you've never been intimate or had sex before. Wow. Talk about consent. And permission and knowing that you can go in with a set intention and everything's gonna work out. Right. So my first sentence as I started typing was that was unbelievably hot and just got me really excited and I was going to continue. But then she said, I'm serious. And I said, yeah, me too. We're going to have a really good time. And then just sort of playful banter back and forth. And I asked like, what's going on? You know, are you like fresh off relationship?
Speaker 0 48:01 And she said, Oh, I broke up with someone several months ago and I haven't had sex since and I've been holding back for months. And that's just it. And now I just need Dick lots and lots of Dick. And jokingly with the way she had phrased that, I retorted back to her, a Dick for me specifically or anywhere you can get it. But what I could have read into and what she was craving was a really good fuck. Not being made love to not caring for all her emotional needs or cuddling or listening or any of that. Not being super soft and gentle. Her body was on fire and she was ready for action, which is again, wonderful. It's sort of like what a man might aspire to have in a girlfriend or an experience is someone who's just instantly ready. Right? Anyway, point being, and this was a very small thing, it didn't create any negative ripples, but because she ticked so many of my boxes for someone who had wanted to go down on, I did.
Speaker 0 48:52 So I was down there and she seemed to be enjoying it for a couple seconds and maybe before I even got a fourth stroke in, she said, you know, you don't have to do all of that. And often women talk in this sort of fill in the blank kind of thing. You can infer the rest, you can get the rest. And so what she was saying is, you don't have to go down on me, please just come up here and put yourself inside. And so I did and it was really, really wonderful. But to me this was a place where I could tune in and listen more. I felt that from her. I kind of knew that, but because I'm always wanting to be careful with new people and you don't want to offend them, you don't want to upset them. You don't want to make wrong assumptions.
Speaker 0 49:32 You want them to feel good. We get into these habits and patterns and had I deep listened, had I listened more, there would have been an even more seamless transition because obviously as a general rule, you don't want to approach all women the same way and you certainly don't want to approach them more aggressively than they like. Unfortunately, a lot of people miss an opportunity by not being assertive enough or confident enough or dominant enough for the type of woman they're approaching, but at the same time, it's also better to have a softer approach, I think, than a more strong or aggressive when it really puts people off. Furthermore, I don't think once you get this stuff you're done with it or that you've somehow achieved and unlock the end all be all Holy grail of female knowledge. There's no way you're always going to be able to read into every single woman and all of her thoughts and desires and know it and women.
Speaker 0 50:20 That's important to know too. That's an absolute bullshit form of romanticism to expect a man to read your mind and we've talked about that in other podcasts. I'm talking about learning the skill to be able to read these things and it's incredibly useful and loving, but to expect a man to know, to not use your words if things aren't going well or you want something different <inaudible> you got to express it. And again, that was something I appreciated about this woman is her ability to communicate. And just a caveat to man, if you are someone who's super giving and super loving and accommodating and you want things to go well and you're trying to always make your girl feel good, if you're on the extreme end of that and you happen to meet a selfish woman or someone who really is into herself for her own pleasure, you can really get lost and caught up in always trying to read into what she needs next and trying to accommodate it and make sure she's okay and what does she need today and are you there for her emotionally tomorrow?
Speaker 0 51:15 Now she's upset and crying. She needs you now she's had a problem from work. She needs you to listen to her now. She wants to be fucked. Well now she needs you to make love to her need, need, need, need, need. But wait, now she needs some space. Now she needs you to listen to her but not solve her problems. Now she wants you to go pick something up for her. It's really worth having a conversation with someone like that. And men can be this way as well. These overly needy and emotional people. I don't think that's healthy. And I don't think someone should always be dancing on their head to accommodate and police someone whose needs are never met. They're endlessly changing and they don't have the bandwidth to give back to you because no one can be selfless their whole life and need nothing.
Speaker 0 51:55 I think that hardens people. I think that really it loses real intimacy and it kinda sets up the power imbalance in the relationship to be off. So again, that's just for people who are extremely selfish. And if you're someone who spends a lot of your time trying to do everything for them, all right, let's talk about the kind of sex we have in what really gives a woman a hot experience, a passionate, juicy one full of the things that make her want to claw at the sheets. It's debatable whether you can break this down into two or more categories, but in my mind there seems to be the split between what you might call making love Hollywood style, something out of a movie and then really hot fucking or great sex and I am of the opinion that both can bleed into one another. You can be making love to someone who you really adore and then fuck them really well and you could have really hot, great connected sex with someone who you don't know and also wind up making love to them or sharing love with them.
Speaker 0 52:57 As a side note, it's really interesting to me how prevalent the word fuck has become in society, especially amongst young people. So when I was growing up, that was obviously a bad word. You wouldn't say that in public and most people never said it to their friends, especially when referencing what they did last night or something they're going to do. They'd say we had sex or we did it and they'd always find some sort of euphemism. Nowadays, I hear more and more people saying, I thought I was going to fuck last night. Are we going to fuck? I knew we were going to wind up fucking and so I think in the culture for a considerable amount of people, I know not everyone. This has become more and more comfortable, so when I'm talking about really good fucking, I'm referring to hot sex, I'm not degrading it or minimizing it or meaning.
Speaker 0 53:43 It's like late night bar hookup, sex. I'm referring to that primal act of really, really great and I'm going to leave out this other category which women love referring to as meaningless sex. Everyone's trying to avoid meaningless sex and men, you'd be well advised to try to avoid it as well. Meaningless sex means she doesn't have a connection. She was too drunk. She felt pressured into it. She wasn't ready for it. It was something fleeting and once or maybe even happened while she was abroad or she was just satisfying a need or she got caught up in a moment and we want to stay focused on these two categories of great sex. Now, this may sound a little strong to say, but I think what most people want these days is really, really hot fucking which often steers away from stereotypical lovemaking because love making can sometimes feel less intense, less visceral.
Speaker 0 54:46 Those certainly not less passionate and not less connected, but it also doesn't mean that fucking is void of love. Many of us are so caught up in the idea that sex should be with someone who you are in love with and who you do love, but because of the incredibly strong effect and grip that romanticism has had on us over the last 200 years and because of every Hollywood movie that we see tells us and shows us that we meet the one our eyes gaze into the other person's eyes and you just know something is there. Does it require work? It doesn't require effort. It doesn't require communication or that you have anything in common. You just have this feeling of knowing magically you're in love somehow before the movie ends, a feeling of falling in love and then love making it the middle or the end of the movie.
Speaker 0 55:35 There's nothing wrong with this, but I think at this point in my life I'm a little more convinced that that's something that's reserved for very special times. That's something when you've known someone a long time and you really want to connect, there's an emotional bond, a closeness bond. You feel super, super in love with them and these things can't help it to happen over time. Generally when you've gone through things together, you've been through the ups and downs, you've been there for one another year after year. You have that love for each other. Love making becomes an extension of how you feel about the person, so you love them so much. You want to give yourself to them or you love them so much. You want to make love to them. There is a time and a place for this. I think it's wonderful. I think it's beautiful when I'm in committed monogamous relationships and it's just her and I.
Speaker 0 56:24 That's what I want to do from time to time, but it has to be understood that that is a very different experience from hot, passionate, primal, unbridled sex. Here's what this doesn't mean. It doesn't mean you don't know the person. It doesn't mean you can't fuck your wife of 20 years. It doesn't mean you can't make love to a brand new partner to all of your partners and for the purposes of this podcast, the recommendations that I'm giving are going to work for you on either direction, but I do believe and I'm leaning towards if you haven't noticed already, that there's a little bit more of a pop, a little more of a, when it comes to this primal side that I'm discussing, one style of sex creates <inaudible>, a loving attachment, a closeness, a bond, a smooth, delicate, caring, loving environment. They've got you. You're there for them.
Speaker 0 57:22 You're going to be there for one another. You can't get close enough to each other. The other creates something other, something primal. It's always difficult for the entire universe to put their tongue on it, to put their finger on it, to start to speak about what that feeling is. When you are really in the throws of it, it's really hard to find or know or understand what this feeling is. If you haven't had it before, so that generally means you have to have stumbled upon a good lover or be one naturally yourself, or that you feel so open and able to share yourself that you can reach these Heights or depths. Generally, it's not found in porn porn, I would classify for the most part as really meaningless sex. Now, there are obviously going to be some incredibly hot hot scenes that describe exactly what I'm talking about and yes, it happens, but for the most part, a lot of the extreme stuff, a lot of the very famous porn stars who make the same noises and sounds that are, we could go on and on, but every once in awhile you'll find something, you'll see a scene and you don't understand what it is or why it is, but it's so freaking hot.
Speaker 0 58:43 Generally speaking, I don't recommend watching porn to my clients. For most people, especially men who have grown up with it or who watch it incessantly, but every once in a while you'll come across something that really has a lot of intense connected passion in it and it's indescribable and everyone watching, no matter how base you are, how elevated you are, you're going to feel that women instinctively know when that feeling hits them or when they see it and they use a word that very frequently men don't. They say thanks to Paris Hilton that's hot and if you strip away all of the pop culture references and a girl speaking about a sex act as being hot, then she's seeing something about it that she finds primal, delicious, something that she wants to get herself into. Hot very often does not require a ton of foreplay. Does it require hours of building up?
Speaker 0 59:40 It doesn't require an enormous amount of effort. It requires holding a certain energy or stance or attitude or a form of confidence or carrying yourself or interacting with someone in a confident way. It's projecting this heat that's suggesting I'm yours or your mind or I'm going to have my way with you or this is going to happen and it's going to be really, really good. Even as someone who loves intimacy and closeness as much as I do, some movies are uncomfortable to watch because what they're projecting as romance or hot or beauty is not hot, not sexy. It's warm and I love romantic stuff, but you know, you've seen one or two movies that aren't pornographic that were particularly well done. Maybe it was a foreign film where there is an interaction between two people and you said, Hmm, that's it. That's the one. So what is this hot sex, this hot fucking that I'm talking about.
Speaker 0 00:41 How else do you describe it? It has elements of love making in it. It definitely has elements of this other style of having sex that you hear me speaking about that you maybe feel like I'm minimizing, but some of those qualities go like this. You feel a strong attraction and connection to the person. There's chemistry. You like the way they look. You don't have hangups about the way they look or the way they act may be where one of the differences lies is you don't have to really like the person to be able to have incredible sex with them. And I'm going to leave that little open to interpretation because it's also dangerous territory. You don't have to be head over heels in love. You don't have to know them well. You don't have to even think that they're a great person. And women, you know this too.
Speaker 0 01:27 How many assholes have you had sex with? How many guys who you would describe as a total Dick or a total douche? Have you wound up having sex with yourself? You don't like him, you don't respect him, but something about him really gets you going. Think back over your partners. How many people have you been with? Maybe you knew they were doing something wrong. Maybe you knew they were sleeping with other people. Maybe you didn't even like the way he treats his wife or she treats her husband. But when the two of you get together, there's some sort of indescribable magic and I'm not suggesting that you should be trying to have that kind of hot sex, by the way, with people who are poor choices for you or who are toxic or if somehow the two of you make each other's lives worse or you don't feel good about yourself after.
Speaker 0 02:14 That's not what I'm after here, but I only share that to illustrate the point that you certainly don't have to like respect or care a lot for someone else to have incredible, incredible mind blowing sex with them and that is my friends a mind fuck. That is a very difficult thing to get your brain around, but it also speaks to the incredible power of attraction both chemically or in terms of chemistry and also physical attraction. You will not believe how many things you will justify to continue to have sex with someone that you are very attracted to. No matter who you are. He hurt me, he's mean to me. She speaks poorly to me. She treats me like shit, but I love her. I'm so sexually attracted to her. The sex is so good. You hear that very often, but back to what we were speaking about earlier, that difference that I really want you to hear is allowing your primal, carnal instinctual side to come out, which almost by default makes your rational brain, your thinking side.
Speaker 0 03:23 You're anxious or nervous or even in secure side back down a little bit so that you and your limbic brain can have this really intense, exciting hot experience. And if you're a man knowing how to do this, how to activate that, how to bring that out in someone else and yourself. Well, that's number 11 and it also blends right in. I don't think you will have ever heard this anywhere else. As you listen, please listen carefully with attention. Approach this with a loving, present, conscious awake mind tuned into this with an open heart. What I'm about to articulate has come from women and I'm using my words to bring together these ideas that women have often shared with me in private or in coaching. A woman wants to know often that you have the power to overtake her or to be stronger or to be dominant with her.
Speaker 0 04:27 She wants to know and feel and understand your strength and see that it's there, but you hold it back when it comes to her safety. She wants to know it's there. She wants to know you have it, but you do not ever hurt her at the same time. And this you can do a whole episode on this. She wants you to not hold back sexually, emotionally, even spiritually. She wants you to let loose, to really, really take her. But what's tricky about this as men, being strong creatures and being able to create an inflict pain in others is we have to have it under control, which is completely different than someone who is not capable of it at all or who denies it's there or who doesn't have the wherewithal to be strong and to be powerful. So not only do you have to have it awake and there and at your disposal, then you also have to be able to be so confident and strong and knowing of yourself that you can hold back easily.
Speaker 0 05:48 So it's a dance of giving yourself, letting go, sharing yourself with her intensely and without holding back. But you're not going so far that you're violent. Sometimes she wants to feel that you could very much devour her and eat her alive, and then to restrain yourself, to hold back, to know you're capable of it, but not ever go too far because that would violate trust. Women say they want you to go far enough that her eyes want to roll back in her head, that she's making noises you've never heard before that she's so with you. She's so feeling it. You're so in the moment together that it's gripping and there's an intensity there. And that has to be tempered with love, not love making with love. And what do I mean by that? Because that's an abstract concept. If you're really fucking your grow well and things are super intense and sometimes they get very passionate, maybe she might ask you to put your hands certain places or to do certain things to her that you might not normally want to do.
Speaker 0 06:59 You have to be able to do those things from a place of love, not anger, not hate, not resentment, not being pissed off, not disliking women, not having a grudge. Because if you do, you'll break trust, you'll scar the experience and you potentially risk leaving her with some sort of trauma or hurt or at the very least something that she just doesn't feel very good about your actions while being carnal and passionate and unbridled should also, in my opinion, come from this place of care and knowing that you are also taking care of this experience for her and you're not going to hurt her. So you're riding that line between you're on the edge between strong, healthy power and taking good care of her with your heart. Wow. Friends, this stuff doesn't come naturally for most of us. It is within us. It can be awakened within us and we can learn how to harness it or open it.
Speaker 0 08:05 And I think in more so for women it can be brought out of them naturally. But to find this place as a man, it is a skill and that's why I feel like communication is so essential. You hear that all the time. What does it mean talking about it, not just what do you like? What do you love? What turns you on? No, none of that works. Women don't even know how to answer that question more often than not, but in a way that invites them to explore within themselves. Do you like it when someone else takes control? Do you like not having to think? Do you like feeling a man's power or intensity? Do you like an element of surprise? Do you like to feel overpowered? Do you like to feel restraint? How do you let go? How do you give love? Do you like to give yourself over or do you like control?
Speaker 0 08:50 Understanding how a person works and what makes them tick is paramount. But sometimes as we spoken about in previous episodes, when they want you to read their minds, they want you to know what's going on inside, and I always advise against this. They want that or they're ashamed to say it or they don't want to talk about it or they think they'll be judged if they say, Hey, I love this particular kind of canker. I love this level of intensity. All these issues can come up that really cloud a person's judgment when it comes to sharing with you, get clear on what do you want out of this? What kind of person are you? What are you looking for? Do you have vaginal orgasms? Do you only have clitoral orgasms? Do you want a deeper experience? Do you want something soft and loving and gentle?
Speaker 0 09:31 And of course, that's where all this deep listening comes in is being able to read is the person who always loves when you fuck her so strongly and so intensely, does she need something different today? Does she need to feel you more? Does she need to love you more? Does she suddenly need you to cuddle her and nourish her more? Is it around her time of the month, during or after? What does she need? And are you getting what you need and do you know how to ask for it? And I find that most women in touch with themselves need softness. They need that gentle loving care. Yes, a man's touched a man stroke, a man's intensity, but also that loving, gentle care as well to help her feel safe and loved and cherished. So here we are, 12 steps in over an hour into this episode and we haven't had one conversation about technique or how to thrust or where to put your finger.
Speaker 0 10:29 And that's because I've found time and time and time again that yes, that stuff can really, really make a difference when you get there. But all of these other things that happen under the surface make an enormous difference with how wet and open and vulnerable and receptive she can be for you. So make no mistake having great sex with a woman will require a lot from you. It's not always fun and games or playful banter or being cocky or confident or funny. It's not always easy. Hot, great fucking. It requires stamina, focus, intensity, presence, comfort in your skin, confidence, ability to give of yourself, ability to love, ability to ability to read into her and understand what she might want. You might say to yourself, my God, what's in it for me? And again, for many people we spoke about in the beginning, there's this sort of egoic idea and women have this too.
Speaker 0 11:26 What do I get out of this? Oh, she says, you get me, you get to enjoy me. And that's sort of an odd, it's an odd thing to say. Your pleasure can come from me enjoying myself. Now listen, I believe one of the highest spiritual practices can be taking pleasure in someone else's pleasure, feeling wonderful because someone else's feeling wonderful, being excited because your friend made it big or it got really successful or has something that you don't have. If you can find that excitement, I think you can welcome more of it into your own life. Yes, that's true. But ladies think for a minute. If you asked, Hey, what do I get out of pleasuring? You are going down on you or making you feel good or learning all of these techniques or abilities or taking on all these nuggets of wisdom and the man said, you get me.
Speaker 0 12:15 You get to keep me in your life. You get to be with me and enjoy me. That's what you get. I can't imagine a more cocky or arrogant reply when men, well, when women answer this way, I've never heard a man answered that way, but to say something like that that you get me and that's why I do think it really takes two. You want to get into this stuff together. It's not about a man spending his entire life learning how to pleasure you and make you feel wonderful and listen to you and your ups and downs and always be there for you and have an answer for you and be your everything. It's doing it together. There should be a mutual reciprocity and understanding and learning about each other. Especially, especially if you are a very selfish person and you've spent a good majority of your life letting people do for you take care of you, pleasure you.
Speaker 0 12:58 Then I would strongly recommend if you can, if you're able to, if you have it within you, learning how to step up your game because a lifetime of taking is very unfulfilling. Number 13 a little more understanding in detail about if you're selfish, if as a man, for example, you are far more in your feminine. If you are way more into being pleased and giving pleasure, then this is going to be a very difficult and challenging road for you. Unless you have a woman who is just shut down to her own pleasure, doesn't want to feel great herself or have you put all of your attention on her. If you're someone who likes or wants all the attention on you, this is going to be a very, very difficult, although short journey because your experiences will consist of things that you like or want done to you, which in many cases will be very short lived and then you get there and then it's over.
Speaker 0 13:53 And then what and what did both of you really get out of that? And so it's really hard if you're a woman and you find yourself with a very selfish man because you're either going to have to be the one who does all of the giving, creating all of the excitement, doing all of the arousing, doing the initiating, doing the, starting up, doing the planning. You might be a real smart cookie, might be really good at that kind of thing, but if you don't have a willing partner, if you don't have someone who wants to go there with you, if you don't have someone who also wants to uncover your pleasure with you, it's just going to be difficult if not impossible. They have to have the willingness, they have to have the desire or the curiosity. And be willing to participate at least a little bit for this to be fun and women U2 on your part.
Speaker 0 14:36 If you are a hundred percent selfish and you just enjoy being pleased. We talked about it earlier, all the time, all the time, never really giving back and thoroughly living from a place where you think that you're the prize and therefore it's just a man's job to toil for you and please you and do for you and make you feel great and you don't really do much back. It gets old. It really gets old and yes, you could find some men who just think that's what their role here on this planet is, is just to please their wife or their girlfriend and make sure you're okay and try to keep a smile on your face no matter what with money or sex or power or giving, giving, giving, giving. But these are very empty relationships. They are emotionally unfulfilling. You might have duration, you might have time invested with someone, but if you really ask yourself, what are you both getting out of this other than the fact that you've just been together this long or you have some nice moments or you really love each other, what's there in the sexual department and those are hard questions to ask.
Speaker 0 15:36 They're hard to look at. You might be able to have sex, you might be able to have an orgasm, you might be able to have a desired outcome, but if you want that really, really juicy hot stuff, it takes work. It takes focus, and I don't want to say that sex is work, but sometimes sex is work and yes, you can have a really, really great hot, passionate, quick fuck, but there's always something that's going to be required of you. Even a woman who comes and comes and comes and comes is going to be emotionally exhausted and drained even if all she did was lie there on her back while you gave her orgasm after orgasm, after orgasm, and she's making a mess everywhere. There is a price for that and it's going to cost energetically. So even someone who receives pleasure is going to be emotionally or energetically drained afterwards.
Speaker 0 16:25 Imagine someone who is doing the giving and giving and giving and giving. Have you ever worked for someone for free and gave them a ton or even worked at a job and just gave and gave and gave until you burnt your wicked both ends and you either got sick or you had nothing more to give. Same thing happens. You need to be able to rest and restore and know what your own limits are and what your flexibility is and your own stamina, you know, build these things up over time. You want to use all of these tools rather than hunting for a specific technique. How can you both be focused and like a lion who wants to ravish her and then if like it slips out and pokes her in the butt and she starts laughing hysterically about it, but you're in like, Oh, deep penetrating mode. Got to have her ravishing her. Can you find the levity? Can you shift from finding the intensity to finding the lightness? These things make great experiences as well. So adaptability over technique, feeling over technique, reading over technique number 14 is an invitation to make some noise. Who wants to hear this for an hour?
Speaker 2 17:29 <inaudible>
Speaker 0 17:33 someone who's just like stroking and breathing and working up a sweat. Men, you're terrified of it. You want your woman to moan and scream and open her legs and be wild and Archer back and do all this and you just want to sit there, watch and stroke. <inaudible> no. Let her know how you feel. Let her know how she tastes, how she smells, how she turns you on, which again comes back to why you want to choose someone who you like the way she tastes. He liked the way she smells you like the way she turns you on. You got to find a lot of things about her that excite you and turn you on. So when you speak it, and when you say it, and when you're looking at her at all comes across as authentic. Have you ever had sex with a woman and you didn't know how she was feeling. You didn't know if she liked it, if it felt good or not because she wasn't giving you any kind of verbal feedback. Have you ever had sex with a woman and you felt very confident about holding back and not coming and you're really giving a great experience and then she just made a noise or a sound that just sent you over the edge?
Speaker 0 18:31 You don't think the same thing happens to women? It does speak to her. Let her hear your voice, your sounds. Whisper in her ear. Tell her what you like. Explain how it feels so good. Try making some kind of authentic noise that represents you, your Mons or your groans or your grunts or you're talking or you're breathing instead of just trying to be so tight lipped. Let your body express itself. It might take you time. Maybe you need to do it and for the punching bag, have you ever fought someone or fought against a punching bag or worked out really hard and felt like that? Kind of like really deep breathing or passion coming out. Let that come out of you. But the silence is so bad. Silence. And then like right before you come, uh, and then you roll over and go to bed.
Speaker 0 19:20 What? What does that think about if you turn the tables, I tell women to do this all the time. Imagine you're with a girl and she's just laying there, not making any sounds, but just moving her hips. Maybe in some ways or something hot about that, but in some ways it's a little bit like being with a corpse. You really start to question the whole thing. Does she want to be doing this? Do you like this? Are you enjoying yourself? Is this fun for you? Do you want to be here? So expression, it really makes a big difference. It doesn't have to be nonstop and all the time, but working some natural moans and groans into your sexual repertoire along with some statements of affirmation. My God, you look amazing. Fuck you look so good right now. You taste so incredible. I can't get enough of you.
Speaker 0 20:04 I think we'll be very well received. Art. Let's wind this episode down with a little bonus. Treat number 15 <inaudible>. It's not really a technique. More like something you can try when you're in the throws of it. When you're doing it, when things are super hot and intense and you've decided to open up a little bit, you're expressing, you're making some sounds, you're letting her know how you feel. Draw her attention to something. You can do it with your gaze. You can use your eyes to trace down her body and have her focus on what's going on down there. You can give her a command or tell her to do something like, look at what's happening to you down here, or look at this. Look at how hot this is, like how beautiful this is. Or, or if you're standing up and making out, look at how incredible your chest looks while you're kissing me or bringing her over to a mirror and saying, look at this.
Speaker 0 20:55 Look at this ass. Oh my God. Something where you issue a sexy command that allows her to look with you down at her or what you're doing to her in a sexy way. Let's say you're having sex and she's taking it from behind and you tell her, come kiss me. That requires her to sit up, which looks even sexier. Turn and contort her neck and head back to you and you wrap around and give her a juicy, passionate kiss. Hold her face and tell her how much you enjoy doing what you're doing. It's that those moments where you're in it and you're guiding it, you're both lost in it, but you're controlled at the same time you're present with her, but also may be a little dominant or maybe a little sweet or maybe a little delicate. Always reading for what the situation calls for.
Speaker 0 21:39 Okay, now get out there and go give your grown experience. You'll never forget. Thank you for listening. As usual, I hope this has helped immensely when it comes to sexual activity. I think if you listen to a lot of these episodes, you realize things aren't always what they seem. There's more than meets the eye and so I really hope this episode has helped you see that. If you've had some revelations by listening to this, if this has helped you, if it's made a difference, and I know that it has, if it's helped you grow in some way or get better even at one new skill, concept, idea, or way of behaving, I would like to invite you to consider to donate to our Patrion. It's a way to support the podcast. It's a way to support all of the coaching and all of the background research that goes into creating episodes like this. You can do that by making a monthly contribution on patrion.com forward slash closeness. You can stop it at any time and started anytime. You can donate anywhere from a dollar to $10,000 a month as you see fit, and it's a great way to show appreciation, supportive the podcast. So once again, thank you for listening. Have a wonderful time with whoever you're about to go play with next, and I will catch you in the next episode.
