Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Hi, and welcome to the Closeness podcast. My name is Tari, and today we are going to be exploring part two of three total parts for the 40 deadly sins of online dating. Today we're going to address another 13 or so more in long form format. And then in the next episode, we'll try and run through the remainder as quickly as possible. I'm very eager to get through these because there's one more episode we need to do with focus, pause, and then I want to dive back into love and sex and all the good things that we love so much and not so much the do's and don'ts, but they need to be said because many of us do not have any type of manners towards anyone who we don't know. And I think at the basis of all of this is learning how to be a better version of yourself. Someone who you love, loving yourself, and someone who's lovable. And if all we do is run around behaving poorly to people, cutting them off, closing doors, stepping in front of people, being disrespectful, not saying, excuse me, being rude, never talking to them again, disregarding people, treating people as objects, not communicating, and so on and so forth, then it just creates a vicious cycle for every person who we come across and who wants that. When online dating first came out, people were very scared of it, skeptical of it. People thought that if you were speaking to someone online, this was somehow inherently more dangerous than it would be if you were speaking to a person in real life. Not a lot has changed in terms of how we think of the safety of online dating or what online dating is, but because anytime anything new comes into our awareness in our life, such as these swipe right, swipe left dating apps, we don't have rules for it. And because of this, because we don't have rules for it, or when technology becomes available to the masses, we just get it in our hands. And that's that. We're taught how to use it, but not how to be a great person when we're using it. So what people do is we default to the worst possible human behavior that we can imagine. And this actually happens in several areas of life, not just in online dating. There's something to be said for a natural inclination toward morality or being a good person, but a good portion of us, even good people, religious people, spiritual people, continuously treat people poorly on a regular basis because we just don't have the context for how to treat someone with respect and courtesy. That means instead of carefully thinking through how we might respond or what the appropriate response is, or what a response would be that would serve or help the person understand how you're feeling? We just disregard people as if they were expendable. Ignore people, block people, run away, freak out, call names, tell other people about the problem, but don't address it with the person at hand. And so on and so forth. In essence, most people behave in ways that are the most self serving for themselves. It's worth reflecting in yourself when someone triggers you or activates you in a negative way, or you don't like the way someone spoke to you, or you just are in a bad mood that morning. How do you respond to others? How do you respond to people that you meet online? Are you kind and sweet and respectful and loving and patient and nurturing and caring? Or do you activate selfish, nasty, childish, mean, cruel, cold, childhood, traumatized behavior and then think that when we throw a fit, people should listen, but it doesn't matter how we treat others? My goodness, it's so interesting how all of this circles back to what at least my mother always told me is, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. So this episode takes a good hard look at some pretty bad online behavior and gives us really good alternatives to replace said behavior with. Or we might be so inspired as to stop engaging in the behavior altogether. Now, initially I included a long discussion on beauty. What beauty is, how it's subjective, how we all find certain things, beautiful or not, and how we are allowed to have our own opinions on whAt's beautiful and what's not. But there is something that exists in online dating that's unlike anything else when it comes to physical beauty. And that is the fact that oftentimes people look absolutely nothing like their profile picture in person. And not only that, because that's the nice way of saying it. They look much worse. Deadly Sin number 16 is all about looking approximately 40% worse than your worst online profile picture that you posted in person. It's not a judgment, it's not an insult, it's not being degrading towards anyone. And it's certainly not the place to say, oh, that's so mean, or why would you say that? Or how could you be so mean? Or he or she is trying, or you don't know what they've been through, or any of this. It's very specifically the idea of purposely and manipulatively selecting photographs that look nothing like you, or enhancing them beyond belief in a way that you are unrecognizable. It's about the very obvious difference about the way you actually physically look and who you are versus what you're advertising online with your photos. So the first deadly sin is looking up to 40% worse than your worst profile picture in person because you've enhanced and modified your photos or chose photos from your past, or photos that really accentuate certain aspects of you. All fine to do if you're auditioning for a movie or a part or a certain thing where you have to look a certain way for a job or you do it for fun, do what you want to do in your personal life. But it becomes different when you're false advertising for intimate and sexual relationships. And for the record, all of this is for both men and women alike. It's not suggesting that someone is ugly or unattractive, but when you run your face through Snapchat filters and you airbrush and you choose good lighting and you get perfect angles, and you make certain things look larger than they actually are, and certain things look much smaller than they actually are, and you've gained 20 pounds since you've posted these photos. And Incidentally, these photos are from 20 years ago, then that becomes a little bit deceptive. A lot of bit deceptive. And then some people have the audacity to be upset or offended if someone doesn't want to date them or sleep with them, or spend any time with them, or is rude or inconsiderate towards them because they basically created a lie. Furthermore, it's also an enormous, enormous waste of time to talk to someone, flirt with someone, build a little relationship with someone, meet them in person, and then discover that they're someone entirely different. It's actually another good reason why you should meet someone you met online as soon as possible. Now, here's the funny thing about all this. If you really think about it, who's the one who actually has issue with the way they look? Is it the person who comes to meet you and is shocked that you aren't the person from the photographs? Or is it actually you who is saying, I don't like myself, I don't love myself, I don't respect myself, I don't like the way this looks, or how big or small this is, or how big or small that is. I'm going to change and enhance it in a way that I feel looks way better than I actually do, and then I'm going to post it. All of that comes from you. It doesn't come from the person who has the unfortunate shock of seeing someone totally different in person, which you created. And it doesn't even have to necessarily be the case that you look terrible in person, but it certainly is usually the case that you look worse than what you advertised. And that's another big distinction as well. For instance, if you post photographs that actually look like you, then people would be more delighted when they finally have the opportunity to see you, to really authentically see you.
[00:07:25] But nowadays, the decisions that most of us make when we're posting our photographs online tend to be our best angles, with the best lighting, with the best possible contouring. Everyone's hell bent on enhancing their beauty to make them look like they don't. And that's the key here. You don't look like this. So it's not that these are the best pictures of you, it's actually just like looking at someone else entirely. I think storytime and fantasy world and Disney and cosplay and all this fun stuff is great for an experience, but not for tricking or faking out someone who you're about to meet online to become your potential romantic partner or future husband or wife. So we think that we want to put our best foot forward. But number one, is your best foot forward really actually your best, or is it someone else? Number two, do you want to trick and deceive and lie to the person who might become your future boyfriend or girlfriend? Number three, wouldn't you rather have someone be delighted by the way you look in person than scared, shocked or completely turned off by your presence? How does this play out in real life? So imagine you meet someone online. You feel an attraction to their photos, you like their personality, you can't wait to meet them and get in front of them. Then you get in front of them and their hair, face, skin, nails, body, everything looks completely different than anything you've seen before, including the text looks completely different from anything you've seen before, including the photographs that you've texted each other since then. Can you have an honest relationship with that person when deceit is the very first thing that you encountered? Do you want to take that person home and have sex with them or date them? Do you want to be physically intimate with someone who looks nothing like the way they presented themselves? Of course not, because that's not your preference. It's not your taste, it's not what you're attracted to. Instead, what are some of the emotions that come up when people are tricked? People can feel resentful, frustrated, angry, like you've wasted your time, manipulated, lied to, taken advantage of. What possible kind of relationship, friendship or interaction can come from something like that. Consider this. When you meet someone for the first time, would you like them to be repulsed, disgusted, shocked, angry and want to run away in the other direction? Or would you like someone to be looking at you in wonder, captivated by your beauty, amazed that you look even better in person than you do in your photos? I also want to clarify that there's a huge difference between taking care of yourself, showering, putting yourself together, dressing nice, what have you, even wearing a little makeup or putting on accessories. Whatever floats your boat. We're not talking about any of that. We're talking about true deception with photos, filters, angles, lighting, and, of course, five to 20 year age gaps. So my suggestion is, rather than meticulously sorting through your photos and only selecting your finest angles, your best shots, the most made up, done up and enhanced of your photos, why not try a few less than flattering photos of yourself? Why would you do something crazy like that? So that you can surprise and delight your date in person. And instead of them thinking, oh, my God, what the hell did I just get into? Who is this person standing in front of me? They might think instead, oh, my God, you look incredible in person. I hit the jackpot.
[00:10:48] All right. Deadly sin number 17. Only telling people what you won't do in response to a sweet invitation, asking you out, telling people how it's not going to happen, why you won't be doing it, and especially in the bitchiest way possible. You would not believe how many millions of times a day people respond to invitations as follows, no, I don't think so. Nope, that's not happening. Not going to happen. I don't do that. I'm not that kind of girl. I'm shaking my head over and over again, showing you that the answer is no. In case you haven't got the memo, no, I don't just like saying, no, thank you. I like to really hammer it in. Like, nope, not happening. In essence, this one's about being a very disagreeable person, including times when it has absolutely nothing to do with sex. But when you actually uncover something I like to do, that's my favorite time to be lazy about it.
[00:11:49] Sure, K, fine, whatever.
[00:11:54] K. Laters. I don't care if, you know, closeness, you know, we're huge proponents of saying no and setting boundaries and speaking your mind and that sort of thing. But there's a way to do it that completely takes the wind out of everyone's sails. And there's a way to just simply say, this particular deadly sin does not revolve exclusively around whether you want to have sex or not? It could be around doing anything. And it's about the way you express preferences. Do you tend to lean towards the negative? Is everything negative for you? Easier to talk about, easier to negate? Are you a naysayer versus are you more receptive, open, positive, curious and playful? But delivery, delivery, delivery. And what side of the equation do you want to be on? Everything that's wrong or what you do want to do and what's right and what's working? Nothing takes the wind out of someone's sails faster than just stopping someone in their tracks and being like, nope, not happening. Instead of a discussion. I mean, especially when the stakes aren't high. If we're talking about if you're going to specifically be doing something sexual that you don't want to do, of course be bold and establish a boundary. But if you're simply talking about plans, getting together, spending some time together, and everything is naysaying, it's really no fun. The person's not wrong for inviting you over, inviting you to video chat, inviting you on a date that you're not interested in inviting to pick you up, inviting you to do something fun. All of these things are efforts to get closer with you. You're the one who has the issue. But when you get negative like that, you flip it and it makes it seem like the other person did something wrong. To suggest when really it's your own insecurity or uncomfortability. Rewind and listen to that again to pick a previous deadly sin, how amazing would it be? Rather than saying, oh, I don't video chat, we're not doing that. That's not going to happen. If you expressed your truth, oh, I don't video chat because it makes me feel ugly, unattractive and overweight. And I feel like you're going to judge me on there and think that's what I look like and then not want to see me in person. Wow, now that is some beautiful vulnerability. Now obviously you don't have to express yourself quite like that, but the idea is begin to notice the times that you reject or negate offerings and invitations that are innocent in nature. In other words, people asking you out on a date or to events. Remember the difference between having a reaction and a response. A reaction is an explosion, something temperamental in nature. A response is something you actually consider for a moment and then let the person know how you feel and what you want to do. And most importantly, if you can't do what the person is asking or don't want to offer an alternative suggestion. Nothing compares to a person, especially a woman, who can offer an alternative. I, for 01:00 a.m. Very specific with my beliefs and desires, and I'm very clear about why I feel the way I do on certain subjects. If someone asked me why I feel that way, if I was open to changing it, or they asked if they could understand a little bit better why I felt the way I did, I'm always happy to explain. But notice I used the word asked and I didn't say questioned. Why are you questioning me? Why are you questioning my beliefs? And how dare you question what I believe? I don't want to be questioned. And this isn't 20 questions. Why you got to frame it like that? Why you have to word it like it's an attack? Don't you want to have a discussion about getting to know each other and help each other understand why we think the way we do? I'll tell you why. Because for many people, their belief structures are flimsy, like a castle made out of cards with one blow or one strike, or if you just look or examine their belief system, there's not a lot there to support it other than that's the way I am, that's what I always did, that's what's comfortable, that's what I believe, that's how I was raised, rather than a genuine reason as to why you want to be a certain way, which, of course, we're all entitled to do. But I love the idea of being the person that we want to be based on who we really want to be, not old bad habits of who we were. And that's that.
[00:15:56] Ugh. I'm really excited about this one. Deadly sin number 18.
[00:16:01] Endless excuses. Do you suffer from endless excuses about why you can't get together with someone you'd like to date or sleep with? Ask your doctor if integrity is right for you. In my personal life, I'm proud to be a man of my word. If I say I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it. I don't flake, I don't cancel. I show up. And that's 99.9% of the time. I mentioned in a previous episode, never once in my entire life have I ever had something come up that has prevented me from going on a date or that has kept me from doing something that I'm responsible for doing. Not a meeting, an emergency, a Cris, a family crisis, a relative, a friend who needs me, someone who etc. Etc. Etc. And yet, over the years, and after speaking to countless, countless men about their experiences with women and the unfathomable amount. Sidebar how do millions of women across the US who don't have corporate jobs always manage to have a meeting? They need to go into a meeting, an unexpected meeting. How many people work in places where there are mandatory meetings outside of business hours? Or you have a meeting that you need to go to when you're not at work? So always be on the lookout for the meeting excuse. It inevitably is a reason to hide some other details, such as something else, which usually is another date or usually is some other plans with some other man. I wish we were just a little more honest about our online dating situation. Of course, as you know from previous episodes, we are always talking about people who are interested in each other, not someone who has no interest. Because if they had no interest, they would just say, I'm not interested. What are some things that come up in lieu of simply saying yes or I'm not interested? You have an appointment. You don't feel good. It's that time of the month. You're having a rough morning. You have a meeting to go into. You have something more interesting you'd rather do. Someone else invited you to do something else. You'd rather have sex with someone else tonight. You just don't feel like it. You're getting your nails done and your lashes done and your eyebrows done and your makeup done and your hair done and your extensions done and you're having a fitting. You're not in the mood. So many excuses, men. I understand. It is the strangest sensation to receive messages from women that say, I like you. I really, really want to spend time with you. I know it must seem like I'm always busy. I'm flaky. I know it must seem like I always back out. I know it must seem like I read in the Cosmo magazine that we have to play this game to make it seem like we're busy all the time because we think that makes you want us more. But I actually really want to see you. And then sit back comfortably and watch as days, weeks, even months go by before a meeting or a date or an intimate interaction happens. What I believe happens is usually a person gets involved with someone else, they start sleeping with them, and they want to see where it goes. So they fall out of touch. And then when it's not what they thought, then they come back and they're like, so, hey, what's going on? Because people always like to have someone on the back burner just in case so that, God forbid, they're never alone or feeling lonely. So for men, if you're listening, my strong encouragement is to give a woman somewhere between one to three chances. Maybe if you really are deeply invested and believe in her excuses, if they're really, really good excuses, to commit to actually making plans with you despite her obvious interest in you, what that means is she might be saying, oh, I really want to, but oh, that sounds so nice, but oh, I really can't wait to see you. I can't believe all this is happening. But you are not a doormat and you are not here to constantly be a puppy dog to her every whim and say, oh, okay, no problem, I can wait. Oh, sure. How about next week? What about now? Oh, is Tuesday okay? Well, what do you think? Maybe you'd have some time if I cancel my work or cancel my appointment or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. What an absurd way to interact with another human being. Now here's the manipulative trick that's always happening in the background. The person who is just making a statement about why they can't or where they are, what they're doing is forcing you. If you actually want to get together with them and not just let it go, never talk to them again and completely delete them out of your phone. To be in a situation where you have to keep asking and begging because they're not offering alternatives. So always insert into your texts or your calls or when you speak to them. What would be fun for us to do? When are some times that you are actually available? Why don't you tell me four or five times when your schedule is open and you are free so that you can actually move the conversation forward and you're not stuck in this endless loop. If you're a woman, tuning in here is a pro tip streamline and simplify your life. Put each and every single person that you are not interested in seeing or talking to again into one box and at once let them know you are not interested and you do not want to move forward with anything. Boom. In three minutes. I just cleaned up your entire schedule because you're spending 6 hours a week not letting men know how busy you are and what your physical location is. That's a lot of time texting. Then take all the men who you are interested in seeing. By the way. Same thing if you are a man with a lot of women who are chasing you and put them into one category and organize your week where you are saying yes. Or you let him know immediately when specifically on what? Dates and time you're available. Oh, my God. Can you imagine if you actually let men know the times you are available to see them instead of saying, can't, can't, can't. Busy, busy, busy. This is my favorite word. I love saying it. I'm busy. I'm so busy. I've been so busy. I can't believe how busy I've been lately. I'm too busy to talk right now. You always catch me when I'm busy. Why don't you ever call me on a time when I'm not you, even though I never call you when I'm not busy? Which would totally make things easier because then, you know, when I'm not busy, we could actually get together, but then I wouldn't sound busy. Why don't you read my.
[00:22:14] Ooh, it's a big one.
[00:22:17] You might actually get to go on an amazing date, fellas, if you've ever heard anything like this. My girlfriend's really having a hard time with another girlfriend of mine, so she really needs me right now. And we're all drunk, and we're all going to Vegas, and there's a trip coming up that we want to go to, and we have to smoke weed right now, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. If you're being deprioritized for nonsense like that, you don't want to be a part of her life. Never accept deprioritization in exchange for her daily frivolity. So to everyone who is hanging on, hoping that the person they're asking out is eventually going to say yes, I strongly and wholeheartedly recommend that you let it go.
[00:22:57] Move on, prioritize someone else and give your attention to someone who's worthy of having it. To those of you out there who are masterful at stringing people along and deprioritizing the people who are asking you out on dates, who want to connect with you, want to make you feel good, want to explore things with you because nails and drama and girlfriend issues and chitchat and all this other stuff that really gets in the way from what you really want. Or if you're stringing someone along for your ego, for attention, to make you feel validated, to make you feel important, to make you feel liked, because you are lying about not wanting to hurt the other person's feelings so you think stringing them along is somehow an emotionally better choice than simply letting them go. Let them go. Let anyone go who doesn't excite you and ignite you. Tell them, be clear with them and move on so we all can get on with our lives. Once we all start prioritizing the people we care most about, deprioritizing people who don't make us a priority, the quality of our life will increase tremendously.
[00:24:09] Deadly sin number 19. She's a total dog. Imagine you're in a restaurant or bar and you're meeting someone for your first date. They're not facing you, but you can see across the room that your date is sitting just right over there. So you walk over to them, they turn around and to your shock, they're wearing a mask. What kind of mask? You inquire? A big, fat, fuzzy doggy mask with long, fuzzy ears and a furry, wet nose. When you tap her on the shoulder, she turns around to greet you and smiles and opens her mouth wide and a long, 18 inch wet, slobbery tongue flies out and whacks you in the face. So I'm pretty sure I'm the first man ever in the world to declare that I don't want to be sexually involved with a girl wearing a dog mask. Although I'm also pretty sure that most men aren't a fan of having sex with other farm animals, such as deer, a rabbit. Yes, the farm animal filter is super fun to play with if you're two years old to twelve years old or with all of your girlfriends, or at a cocktail party or any other place than on your dating profile. I can't even begin to tell you how many thousands of profiles I've seen over the years where a woman's face is a dog. Ladies, have you ever seen anyone in the gym who wears that oxygen deprivation mask? He's that guy. He kind of looks like the Punisher, or looks like he's going to rob a bank. Have you ever seen a man running around with a hood over his head, hiding so you can't see what he looks like? Or a hood and sunglasses, or a hood, a hat and sunglasses? And have you ever thought to yourself, that's the man I want to sleep with or date? Well, believe it or not, as unfathomable as you may find it, that's also how men feel about seeing women wearing all these filters. What it comes down to, especially for me, is I want to know what you're going to look like in the morning. It's wonderful to be cute. I love cute girls as much as the next guy. And I love seeing them be cute and be girly and be playful. And none of that is minimized here. But it's more, again, about thinking thoroughly. How do you want people to see you before they meet you? And when you want to make the best impression possible, or you want someone to be turned on or excited by you, putting a dog filter or any other Snapchat or Instagram filter on your profile is not going to get you the result that you want.
[00:26:27] Deadly sin number 20 ties into a lot of this holding babies in your profile photo. Lots and lots of babies. Now listen, I love babies just as much as the next person. Cute, cuddly nephews and nieces and all of this. But doesn't it strike you as a bit contrived to post a photograph of you holding an infant or toddler that doesn't belong to you? Wouldn't it strike you as OD if a man's profile was full of bunnies, dogs, cats in several of his photos? And then in his caption he's like, none of these animals are mine, or it's my cousin's cat and my brother's dog. It's like, get your own puppy. Generally, there's a reason why we post photos, right? We already discussed that. People post the best versions of themselves. We post photos of ourselves doing things that we love to do. And what I found is when women post photos of babies, it actually can act as a bit of a deterrent. Not necessarily from men who never want to have children, but you can very easily get swiped without someone reading a profile if it looks like you are surrounded by your children, because when they're that tiny, we have no idea if they look like you or not. So what's behind all of that? Are you trying to prime us for the idea of envisioning you as the mother of our children? Here are another few analogies. Imagine that a man is holding a huge bag of money with cash pouring out of it. He's so happy, he's radiant, he's smiling, he's looking at it, he's counting it, he's looking lovingly upon it. And then in his profile, he goes, oh, this bag of money is not mine, it's just my niece's. Or he's sitting at a desk with one of those nicely engraved nameplates at the bottom, and it says, president and CEO of Fortune 500 Company. And then in the profile, or later in person, he reveals, oh, I was just messing with you. That's my best friend's desk. But isn't it a great desk? I just love that desk. So to get a better and more authentic response rate from men, if you're a woman posting photos with babies. I'm going to go ahead and not recommend that until you make some of your own deadly sin number 21 is having overly abbreviated conversation right before I recorded this, I was listening to a video of a woman who was giving dating advice and she said, keep it short, keep it simple, keep it to the point. I couldn't disagree more with this because while yes, no one wants someone to go on and on and on or write ten paragraphs as their opener, what it makes people do, in my perception, is give these insanely abbreviated answers that make it impossible to keep the conversation going. Yes, no. LOL. Ha ha. Where? When? Oh cool.
[00:28:56] Yeah, totally. What? Question mark sounds good. Sick. Dope. Fat? Right on. Okay, dude. What? This is what 95% of communication looks like with people online, and I've experimented with writing beautiful poetic paragraphs and short, quick, punchy sentences and playful quips, philosophical ideas and dumb, silly stuff. Whatever it is, men around the world agree. It just seems like it's one of these one word replies which goes absolutely nowhere. But don't take my word for it. Let me give you an example. Of course. Over the years I've watched several videos on the subject of dating, and I want to share with you someone's response, which is someone's comment underneath one of these dating videos. Let us not forget about all of the people who cannot carry on any sort of conversation at all. You start talking with them and get one to three word responses with absolutely no engagement. Kind of like they are just sitting around and watching TV halfway, playing around with Tinder at the same time. And they probably are either that or they're talking with ten other guys at once, at least. It's like, what the fuck? You match with me and we actually start talking. But you answer questions with as few words as possible and ask no questions in return, and you express as little interest as possible. Why bother at all? And it's sad to say that this embodies what most experiences are like for men when online dating. Generally speaking, we do all of the work we have to do, all of the follow up, all of the follow through, make someone laugh, give witty replies, try to think of something interesting to say, all with the hopes of getting a measly Aha. Cool. LOL. Or even worse, an emoji. So listen if you need empathy because you've got so many matches that you don't know what to do, or if you're so busy with your social media posting stories about how you look and what you're eating and what you're doing that, you don't have time to give a sincere response to someone who's trying to date you and you matched on an online dating site, then you don't belong on a dating site and you shouldn't be dating. It's hard to put it into words, but that gentleman did it impeccably. And so I'll say it a different way as well. It's almost as if countless people online somehow all went to the same school that said, never say more than zero to three words. Show no emotion, show no excitement, unless it's an emoji, and that's it. That should be your entire way to communicate. And I'm 100% sure that these same people are not having those identical responses when they're talking to someone or they're texting their best friend, or they're chitchatting with their girlfriend. So why do it with someone who's actually trying to get to know you or sleep with you or be with you? And I always include the sexual part because it's a huge part of life for everybody and because even if you are dating, of course you're going to most likely be having sex as well. So, deadly sin number 21. Stretch your vocabulary. Do you know how to express yourself? Do you like to give more than one to three word answers? The icing on the cake with this one's so simple. It's like, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If you were asking him boring questions like, what's up? How are you? And he literally said, fine. Nothing. Where would the conversation go?
[00:32:13] Absolutely nowhere. So, closeness advice. Show your personality. Speak freely. Share some thoughts and ideas. Share a perspective. Say anything other than something that goes absolutely nowhere. It will go light years to improving your online dating experience.
[00:32:31] Number 22, believing in using the expression and buying into the idea of, next time, maybe you'll bump into each other next time. Now, this one's tricky because a lot of women use this as their excuse to not talk to someone again. They say things like, next time, or I'm sure I'll bump into you again. And unless you work in the same place or frequent the same place every single day, the likelihood of that is completely unreasonable. However, what it does do is buy into a very romantic female fantasy that you might just bump into each other again. And if that's the case, then it's meant to be. But what does it take to actually bump into someone a second time so that you have the opportunity to ask them out? I can't begin to tell you how many people I've heard say, let's leave it to fate and destiny, and if the universe brings us together again, then it's meant to be. While, yes, you can be at the Taj Mahal in India and bump into your neighbor. And that's always extraordinary. When in life is that actually the person that you want to bump into or see again? No. Someone has to make a concerted effort and take action to find you. So it's always best to seize the moment, which is what this deadly sin is really all about. The other phrase that falls into this category is one that sounds like consent, but is really negating an offer or opportunity. Do you know what it is? That's okay, that's okay.
[00:33:51] It sounds like she's saying, that's okay, that's fine. Yes. And in fact, that's exactly what she's saying. But the tone that's okay is actually implying that, no, she doesn't want to do it. If you really want to confuse someone sometime and you hear someone say that to you, you can say, what's okay, what's okay? And they'll go, that's okay. What's okay, it's okay. Next time. And then all the phrases come out when it's so simple to just say, no, thank you. Deadly sin number 23. Freaking out, unmatching. Getting upset, getting hurt or being bothered. If a man or another match asks you if your profile is real or if your profile is fake, or if you are real, you cannot fathom how many instances of fake profiles we come across. You can even say it's most of them. And I'm not even talking about people who you don't match with. I'm actually speaking about matches. Situations where someone is actually on there, swiped on you, and then you never hear from them again. Remember, when you meet someone or talk to them for the first time, they know nothing about you, so it's never about you or a personal attack on your character. Yet we always tend to take things that way. So it's really best to hold being offended, upset, or think it's some sort of rude or mean comment against you. When someone's just trying to gather some good information. Even if we start talking to you, we know that you're real insofar as you're a human being. And you know what this feels like. You don't know who the person is that you're texting. You're just hoping that they look like their photos. But we don't know who you are or if you are who you say you are. And in fact, the only way to know that for most of us men is to actually meet in person or video chat with you. So it's really important to be understanding of the fact that countless matches for men are either going to be fake. Someone who they say they aren't, a bot, someone who's totally unresponsive, a man, a profile where someone was just messing around or screwing around because their friend told them to do it, et cetera, et cetera. So at the end of the day, men are left not knowing what's what, who's who, and who's real. So it's actually a very innocuous question when we inquire if your profile is real and you're going to actually respond, not something that you need to take offense to, so you can actually consider it a form of flattery. Because if we cannot believe that you're real, it's a pretty nice compliment. Number 24. This one should be a maxim for life.
[00:36:11] Doing things that you don't want to do and that you know you shouldn't be doing. Going on dates that you don't want to go on. Talking to people who you don't want to talk to, inviting guys over to your house who you know you don't want to have over there and having sex or being intimate with men who you know you aren't really interested in yet for some reason because they are either persistent or you feel bad, or you're bored or you're drunk or you're on drugs, or you're in a unique mental state of mind, you choose to do things that you know you are going to regret because God only knows emotionally in the moment you thought it might be a good idea, or searching for pity or understanding from other friends. When you find yourself in a situation that you don't want to be in, as if anyone else has put you there other than yourself, can you help me get out of this date I'm on with this guy who I already knew I didn't like. I'm having this guy over right now, and I'm not sure I even want him to be here or I want to do anything with him. What should I do? Why have him over? Why invite someone to your house? Why go to his house? Why be physically in a place where you don't feel safe or comfortable but you're saying yes to anyway? You have words. You have a mouth. You have the ability to say no or suggest something else or do anything else. Well, before you find yourself in that situation, you hear me touch on it. In all these other deadly sins and episodes, it's like if you're not called to do something, don't do it. And one of my big maxims for life is I don't want to do things that I kind of want to do or sort of want to do, or maybe I'm open to do or. It's the best of several options. I would rather not do anything than do that. For me, something should be a hell yes or a hell no. Otherwise I don't want to engage in it. Inspiration is what makes your choices correct for yourself, not something you think you should do, ought to do, or feel guilty or bad about doing. Deadly sin number 25. This one's an interesting one and actually extends far beyond just the scope of online dating. And further to that. I'm not the biggest fan of text based communication exclusively. I far prefer phone conversation, a real call, real interaction, or in person interaction more than any other type of conversation. But as you know, that's not always possible and it's not always your choice. Sometimes people force you into texting them because they don't answer their phone or their voicemail is always on and they only reply via text. But this deadly sin is the idea that when you're communicating with someone via text, which is how all online dating conversations start off, you only pick one thing to answer or respond to when you're in conversation about several things. Now, I personally am not a fan of asking someone how they are unless I'm genuinely interested in hearing a response. But let's say you text someone, hey, how are you? I'm at the beach all day today and it's gorgeous. What are you up to tonight at seven? There's a few of us getting together for dinner and I wanted to see if you want to come. Almost inevitably, the response that comes back when someone asks you about more than one thing, deals with the least important or most mindless thing to answer or doesn't address the very thing that you asked about. The beach sounds amazing.
[00:39:36] Ten minutes later. Okay, is that a sentence fragment? Is there more to that response? Or have fun at the beach? And similar to other very manipulative forms of replying, this forces, and I know that's strong language, but I'm using language like that because what follows isn't exactly a positive choice for anyone. What happens? It forces the other person to either ignore you, never talk to you again, or have to ask some sort of needy, controlling follow up question. And this is what we want to avoid. Did you happen to catch the words that immediately followed the statement about being at the beach? Or what about the other things I asked you? Or, hey, it's going to be really fun tonight? Did you see my message about asking you out? Any of these things where someone has to follow up and be like, did you dot, dot, dot, did you see that message? Did you get this? That immediately sounds like control. I messaged you and I didn't hear back. I texted you, you didn't say anything. I invited you somewhere and you didn't respond. You didn't do this. Or that is accusatory and it feels accusatory. So it's not really a favorable option to respond to anyone with. And yet when you ask someone a question and they just gloss over it, it really impedes the conversation from continuing. It's your life, it's your phone, you can answer questions however you'd like, but if you're trying to actually connect with someone and you see that they're in conversation with you, even though it's via text, there needs to be a little bit of back and forth if you want the conversation to be successful, I. E. If you want to build rapport, I. E. If you want to build comfort, trust, closeness, and you want it to go anywhere, versus immediately creating a tension and a stress between two people, you always have the option to say, I don't want to answer that. I don't want to tell you if I want to come out tonight at seven, you have a choice. But not saying anything does not imply anything.
[00:41:38] The way I've noticed this plays out is a lot of people only seem capable of answering the last thing you askeD. Sometimes this even relates to purchases and sales and that sort of thing. So I've asked people before, how old is this and how long have you had it?
[00:41:54] And I'll get an answer like it's unopened or it's brand new, which actually has nothing to do with what I'm asking to begin with. So notice today and tomorrow in your communication with people when someone asks you something or you ask someone else a couple of things and notice how people respond. If you're looking for a strategy for how to handle this, if you don't want to answer a question, keep the discomfort on yourself. Don't pass it on to someone else. Simply say, I don't feel comfortable telling you what time I'll get there. I don't feel comfortable answering that. I don't want to answer that now because I'm feeling Dot, dot, dot, this type of radical honesty and vulnerability. It lets everyone know where you stand. So there's no miscommunication, there's no mistrust, there's no misunderstanding. And as you know by now, closeness loves that kind of thing.
[00:42:49] Number 26, something that comes up almost 80% to 90% of the time. The I'm never on here syndrome. I'm never on here. I don't check this. I've installed it. It's on my phone. It gives me notifications, but I don't bother to look. And if I do, my favorite thing to do is suggest text, I'm never on here, or sorry, I never checked this and then vanish. I signed up for something that requires person to person communication, but my notifications are shut off. I'm bored with this app. I don't like this app and I'm never on it. So hit me up on Snap, sending people over to your Snapchat and then likewise never responding to anyone over there. On part one of this episode, I shared a very caustic response from a girl who said, if I don't respond to you on here, continue to send me direct messages on Instagram and Snapchat so I could ignore you over there. And the funny thing about making a statement like that is you've got a public profile and in your description, you're including your Instagram and Snapchat handle so that anyone in the universe can write to you. How are you going to be upset when people are surprised that you aren't giving them a response on a place where you're sending them to get a hold of you. So everyone, of course, only wants to hear from our favorite people or the ones we're attracted to or our matches. But if you're going to publicly put your cam address or your website or your Instagram or your Snapchat or any other means to get a hold of you, of course the riff raff and everyone else is going to write you and try to say hello. And then of course they're going to get pissed when you don't respond back because you put a blanket statement out to everyone that they can contact you there. So why are you surprised? And why do you ignore all of your DMs if, in your own words, you are actually telling the entire universe? Any man who looks at your profile to reach you, get a hold of you and text you? On other social media platforms, you can be honest and admit that it's just for vanity or for likes or for people to follow you, but even still not a good place for it. If you're on a dating website, you have to realize that men aren't checking out your Instagram because they're looking to follow you when they came in off of Tinder or Bumble or hinge. Yes. So for me to rectify something like this, I think there are two choices. Either I encourage you to be amiable, respectful, and open towards the men who write you friendly, awesome messages, not sending you dick pics and not demanding sex and not saying DTF, et cetera. But a real, genuine opener to engage you or talk to you. It deserves a valid response. Or don't include social media until you actually meet someone and you're texting him and you're like, hey, check me out over here, or let's talk online.
[00:45:29] Number 27, tricks and manipulative games. Once I was in my kitchen and I matched with someone who wrote me something like, it's a perfect day to read a book by the fire. And I said, it sure is, and then asked a couple of carefully crafted questions to move our conversation forward. So that was her opener. I gave a response, and hours later, I finally hear back, yes, we should talk on the phone. I said, absolutely. What's your number? I'll give you a call. No response. And immediately, right there, I knew. Here's a girl who has a checklist of rules, and one of those rules is I never give my number out. But she doesn't tell you those rules. You have to play the game. So remember, these are her words, let's talk on the phone. And yes, let's talk. I asked for her number. No response. I send my number. No response. I remind her gently that by holding her finger down on the number, she'd be able to make a phone call to me. And finally, the call comes from a blocked number. Of course, precious few people have a landline these days, which means you know it's going to be a cell phone that's been blocked. Therefore, you can infer that there's been some sort of incident in her past that had made her feel unsafe, and so therefore, she's now going to block her number for every man in the future. I know what you're thinking, because it's a previous deadly sin. Very judgmental and yet so true. So I knew right there what I was about to get into. It was going to be a strained conversation, but I still wanted to do my best to make it as light and fun as possible. So I pick up and I say, hello. And then this really soft, really quiet voice comes on.
[00:47:02] Aloha, I said, hi, what are you doing? She breathed into my ear. I said, yagatovlu. I'm cooking specifically greens and fish. Oh, she said, and then playfully I said, that's a nice little trick, having a blocked number when you call me. How did you do that? Ah, this is simple trick. With one button I push on my phone and there it is, that condescending tone that this is so easy for me and effortless. How do you not know this? I recognize that Eastern European tone. So I knew right here that if I was going to continue to speak with her or get involved, I'd have to play her game. I don't do it in real life, but I will play along. To humor a situation like this, I knew I was going to have to prove myself, because in her mindset, trust isn't given, it's earned. And who in the entire universe is the one responsible for issuing trust? Who is the one with all the control and power? Well, she is, of course. Now here's the interesting thing. I never once spoke about sex or anything sexual. I didn't suggest we have any sex. I didn't make any sexual innuendos. I just spoke down here in the soft voice that she was speaking into me. And she continued to make statements like, I think we both know what is happening here. I know what you want. This is not what I'm looking for. You did not even listen to what I'm looking for. And I said to her, I've been asking you questions about you for about ten minutes now and you've been nothing but evasive, which is the actual appropriate word for mysterious. And mysteriousness. Distant, quiet, unavailable. I've been trying to get to know you and see what you're looking for here, and without asking me any questions, you've made a lot of assumptions. Yes, well, I am looking for a man who is very strong, who is not little boy. Aha. I so badly wanted to say, and I'm looking for a woman who is fully physically developed with a very, very large IQ, not a little girl. But I continued to listen and said she went on someone who is not chasing girls. And oh, by the way, I don't do house dates. I said, look, there are a million ways for you and I to get together that do not involve a house date. I've even suggested that we meet publicly in this conversation and not only have you ignored it, you've pretended that it doesn't exist and you're making more assumptions about me. So what are you really saying here? I don't think you are what I'm looking for. Oh, okay. Are you telling me I'm not a strong man? Because you set that up pretty nicely. No. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know you. I know nothing about you. You are a stranger. Oh, yes, the stranger card. Well, thank you for pointing out the obvious. That's true. We don't know each other. But is that not the exact reason why we're on the phone right now talking? Every time she made an assumption, I said to her, you know, you didn't even ask me if that was true. I'm literally sitting right here. You could ask it and you just assumed it. We also didn't even speak about anything that would give you that belief or give you that impression. So what's going on with you? And are you projecting this onto me? But amazingly, every time I'd give her the opportunity to ask me or offer some silence or say, really, you can ask me anything and I'll answer you honestly. The result. Deflection. Deflection. Deflection. So I had unmatched her before the conversation was even over. Engaging in conversations like this with trickery, games and agenda, trying to get a man or woman to jump through certain hoops by asking certain questions to manipulate the outcome, or as they've been called for decades, shit tests or testing. It's super unattractive, and I don't even think it's an effective way of communicating because immediately you offset the playing field. There's like a shift in the power dynamics, and now you're kind of fighting for power to see who could be more dominant or in control or say the right thing. And there is no right thing to say. There's just what you're in the mood to hear or say in the moment. And you don't want anyone to be anything but their authentic selves, so contrived situations will never serve you. Sometimes it feels like people want to behave in ways that bring out the worst in other people. If you surround yourself with happy, upbeat people, that tends to be your attitude and vibration. And if you're around someone who's a total downer all the time, one of you is going to come up or down to the other person's level. So it's really hard to beat out negativity. And I strongly recommend eliminating any toxic relationships, interactions, and phone conversations like this from your life, because they're never going to make you happy. And the reason why I shared this story is because had she put aside all of her judgments and assumptions. I actually am someone she could speak to, have a deep conversation with, really get to know over lunch or dinner, and really be able to get a sense of who I am by talking. But for whatever reason, assumptions got in the way. Sometimes it feels like people have checklists that they're ticking off to make sure you jump through all the hoops or check all the boxes. And I can literally watch their face change when I answer the questions correctly. For some, it's whether I have a cat or dog. For others, it's my relationship with my mother or my family. For others, it's how I treat the service staff. In others. Still, it's my occupation, what I drive, how I carry myself, and so on and so forth. On the one hand, I love questions. Questions are how you learn about people. They're how we find out information. They're actually the gateway to opening people up to share in positive interactions. But if there's a recommendation I can give for all of this, especially if you're a man listening in, it's be aware. It's not that all women are testing well, not all women are running down a checklist of items and hammering you minute by minute. But be keenly aware that you are being interviewed just like an applicant for a job, to see if you are a suitable partner for what they're looking for. And it seems like this is what you should do. You should interview someone to get to know them and see if they're a good match for you. You should ask important questions. But some people have a way of going about this that's so shady and uncomfortable. And there's just a better way. If you have a series of questions, why not make them fun or enjoyable? Or try to spend time with someone in a way that doesn't put them on the spot, or make them feel culpable, or like they're saying the wrong thing or dancing on eggshells. To be spending time with you or speaking to you that makes everyone uncomfortable. I'd say it's pretty indisputable that every woman on the planet wants to feel special, be treated as an equal, and be treated with love and respect. But if the way that you're treating people is to discard them, disregard them, treat them as an object, make them expendable, disposable, or make them feel like you're wasting your time by spending time with them, number one, how can you possibly expect the same kind of behavior in return? And what would make you think that someone would want to offer those qualities back toward you, such as respect and care and nurturing and love and giving you the time of day. But number two, when you're spending time with someone to see if they're a good fit for dating, relationship, sex, whatever it is, gosh, don't you want to make it fun or playful or curious or exciting? So there's always a lot more to explore than just running down a list of questions. All right, great. A good portion of these deadly sins have been presented in, as you might have noticed, a long form format where there's sort of a deep explanation for each one. In our next episode, part three, we're going to try to be a little bit more rapid fire. I wouldn't even call them rapid fire, but a little more brief in our explanations so we can fit more into a shorter period of time. So I hope you enjoyed these. I know a lot of this whole whole section on faux paws and intimacy and deadly sins is not easy to hear. It's not easy to digest or really be honest with yourself if you do some, and even if you agree or disagree with them comes up into question. So see if there are changes for you that you feel like you want to make to be a better person, and if not, continue as you were and we'll see you in the next episode. But before we go, remember that these podcasts are often supplemental to the relationship, intimacy and sex coaching that I offer. So whether you'd like to book an in person session, if you are in San Diego, or you'd like to fly to San Diego, or you'd like to do a video chat session over Skype or FaceTime, or even just audio only, no video, you are welcome to contact me by way of Getcloseness.com. Or if you are really moved by these episodes and you want to support them, which helps immeasurably. For the continuation of these podcasts, please check out our Patreon page. If you don't know what that is. It's just a website where you can donate on a monthly basis, get rewards for doing so if you'd like, or just make a contribution, whatever you prefer, it's patreon.com. P-A-T-R-E-O-N closeness. Thanks for listening and have a great day.
