Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Hi, and welcome back to another episode of Closeness. You're now listening to part three of the 40 deadly sins of online dating. This is meant to be a bit of a lightning round. Not so much time spent explaining each of the deadly sins, but still, nevertheless, several more. As I go through all these and relisten to some of these episodes, it always comes back to a few things. Caring, respect, valuing other people as people, not treating people as though they're expendable. Not doing anything to someone else that you wouldn't do to yourself. And I think that remains true for the rest of these. So without further ado, let's get started. So number 28 is being as vague as possible. It's using filler words while being as nonspecific as you possibly can. I have a meeting at two, then another meeting at four. Oh, and then I have another meeting at seven. Oh, we can hang out soon.
[00:00:50] Let me call you later. Oh, I'm out with friends right now. I have a friend coming into town right now. Oh, I won't be available the rest of the night. I'm busy. I've got this thing later. I have dinner plans later. And of course, very specifically, my friend this, my friend that, or my friends and I. People seem to love the word friend. You know, friends for my entire life. You know, friends. Speaking of friends, you know, friends and friends, you know, for my entire life, I don't think I have ever once had a conversation with someone where I said, I'm getting together later with some friends without giving any indicator of what that might be or who they might be. I'll always say a girlfriend, or my friend Jordan, or my guy friend John, or I'm having dinner with a girlfriend tonight. What can we glean from all of this? Anytime someone is not being specific with you when they're talking to you or answering your questions or telling you about what they're up to, you can pretty much guarantee yourself that they are either hiding something from you that they don't want you to know, or they want you to think something that might not be true or what I find to be the case most of the time is that they are with someone who they are likely going to have sex with either then or soon, and they don't want you to know about it. So how can I speak so strongly about something like this? What if the person is just a private person? What if they don't want you to know their business? Well, are you knowing any detail of their business or what they're doing or who they're doing or who they're doing it with or anything like this. If they simply add the word girl or boy, I'm out with my friends, she says. I'm hanging out with some friends, he replies. It's the oldest trick in the book. And guess what? If you want to figure out more now you look needy for asking which friends. What kind of friends? What friends are these? All of that sounds terrible. You can't ask that. So it's the easiest way to give a vague answer. Create insecurity in your partner or your future partner and continue on with your sexual escapades. Now a couple of things here. If you had nothing to hide and you were out with your girlfriends, would it cost you anything to say, I'm out with my girlfriends tonight or I'm having a girl's night out? Number two, you could say I'm a private person. I don't need to tell everyone my business. Why does it concern anyone else? It's my life. I can do what I want to do. All true. All very true. But not if you're trying to build trust and intimacy with someone. If your initial conversations right off the bat deal with games, manipulation, mistrust, uncertainty, and lack of communication or honesty, even if it's just sexual or even if it becomes something serious, it's not going to go well for you. It's always going to be built on a foundation of fear and wondering what you're doing, where you are, if you're honest, if you can communicate and all of that sort of thing. Listen to how nice this can sound. Hey, hon, I'm out with my girlfriends tonight. Let me catch up with you in a couple of hours. Later tonight or hey, hon, I'm out with my girlfriends and it seems like a pretty crazy night with them. Let me talk to you tomorrow. Although frankly, as soon as I hear girlfriends and crazy night, I also know what's involved. In fact, anytime I hear the phrase crazy or insane or amazing night when referencing simply being out at bars or drinking or clubbing, we also know what that means. But because either you're talking to someone very manipulative and they always want you to wonder and worry or ask so you can appear needy. And I'd like to believe that there aren't a lot of people like that in the world. Or people believe that they are somehow being more private or that they're a private person and keeping things to themselves. But what you have to realize with this is it's not a change from saying I met this thing or this meeting or this friend is in town and I have this thing I got to go to. And changing that to here's my driver's license, here's my Social Security number. Let me check in with you every hour and I'll be sure to give you updates. It's nothing like this. It's simply letting someone know who you're with and what you're doing when you're getting to know them. And it provides an enormous amount of security when you're getting to know someone. I love my freedom as much as the next person. I love to mind my own business and do my own thing. However, this comes up all the time with people who are very extreme in their responses. Simply asking for some honest communication turns into, why do I have to tell you everything? Do I need to check in with you at all times? Are you being controlling? That's a whole different subject. We're simply talking about being upfront and real with what you're doing. Again, I also go against the grain on this one. I'm about radical honesty. I'm about authenticity. I'm about letting someone know, look, I am dating this person or I'm going out on a date. Take a minute and think about how many of you out there have things that your current partner does not know about you or does not know you tried or have done or in your previous relationsHips, what people don't know about you, who you have been in love with or slept with or been close to. So avoid the fluff. If you've got tentative plans with someone and you tell them you're going to call them later, it's really likely you're not going to get together. If you say, hey, let's get together soon, it's never going to happen. And if you are someone who uses phrases like this, all you have to do is imagine that you are at home for the night, taking a night off, not going out, not doing anything. Someone who you care about calls you and you say, hey, babe, where are you? And he says, I'm out with friends.
[00:06:18] And then you say, well, when are you coming home? And he says, later.
[00:06:23] And you say, well, I'd really love to see you tonight, or do you think you might stop by before bed? And he says, it is what it is and things change and I don't know because I don't have keys and oh, Yolo, Yolo. I came with my other friend and they might want to stay later. So I don't know how long I'm going to be here because my life is dependent on them. And my other bro, Jimmy, is having all this drama right now with my additional other bro, John, and they're just kind of like, figuring things out. And I probably need to be here to support them. So I really can't give you any type of ETA or honest opinion about, like, if you're going to see me tonight or tomorrow, but I want to see you. I want to see you soon.
[00:07:03] Yeah. And with that, we'll conclude this deadly sin.
[00:07:08] All right, number 29. This one's got two parts. Being utterly, painfully boring. Not answering direct questions at all, if ever. Especially giving one to three word answers, making the other person have to keep asking you and asking you and asking you about yourself because you're giving short answers or no answers at all. But that's not even the half of it. Then getting offended or unmatching someone who is too anything, too boring, too sexual, too shy, too quiet, too overbearing, too strong, too aggressive, not aggressive enough, not talkative enough. And you're just sitting there judging from your invented high horse. So you're not giving anything, you're not offering anything of yourself, and you're judging the other person for being too much this way or too much that way, and you immediately disqualify them. In a sense, this is treating people like objects, like things in the world, rather than actual people who are multidimensional and have a personality. And it's not opening yourself up to meet someone or finding out what they're like on the inside.
[00:08:19] Okay, number 30, this one's huge. The idea that you think you are getting to know someone by chatting with them on text messaging or on the dating app with text only, and making the erroneous mistake that that is somehow superior or better, or going to connect you with them more than getting to know them on the phone or via video chat or with any other kind of communication other than texting an emoji, how does this present itself? I like to get to know someone over text before I ever give them my number. I like to get to know each other on the app first without ever using any kind of an emotion or photograph or vocalized words. Because to me, I'm getting to know someone better by what they type than how they actually act or present themselves. So I'm sure you can see the folly in this, and it's usually because you've been hurt or you're skeptical or you're nervous or you've got something to hide or something just isn't quite right. And in all of my years of trying online dating off and on, I've never had something positive come from someone who's told me that they need to get to know me over text first before we can even talk. Now, from a safety standpoint, if anyone doesn't want to give their phone number, of course all kinds of people use Google Voice numbers. That's actually going to be another deadly sin. In fact, I'll wrap it up in here myself, and the men around me do not want your Google Voice number. Using a Google Voice number or some sort of other throwaway or burner number is also not a great way to begin closeness. All of this is understandable from a place of safety and well being, or not wanting to have a million guys have your number, or not have people be able to get in touch with you. But really, what's the difference if you're giving someone your phone number, or your Google Voice number, or your Facebook messenger, or your Instagram profile? Every single one of these methods reach you in the exact same place, in the exact same way, with a vibration or an alert tone on your phone that's in your hand that you're looking at on the exact same device every time. Are you really avoiding any danger or staying safe, or being smart by giving someone an alternative number rather than your own? And every one of these services, including your own phone number, comes with the ability to block anyone who's bothering you, which disclaimer I'm very hesitant to say because so many people are trigger happy when it comes to blocking numbers. Someone said hi in the way they don't like block. Someone didn't respond to me in the right amount of time. Block. He didn't pay for my dinner. Block. And I think it's pretty messed up to block someone forevermore for the rest of your life. But if you're ever worried about someone continuing to call you, you simply block their number and you never hear from them again. A total painless experience that should be used in moderation, with intelligence, with care, and with sincerity. So in case you ain't know, you're not going to know who someone is or have a real reading on what kind of person they are via text messaging where there is no other emotion involved other than words. How many times have you misinterpreted text? How many times have you assumed the worst rather than the best? Or thought that an exclamation point meant someone was yelling at you versus being excited? So the best way to get to know someone is always going to be in person first, then video chatting, then talking on the phone or some sort of audio call, then voice notes. And then lastly, text messaging number 31 is very unusual and I don't think you will have heard anyone else speaking about it before. It's another one of those unspoken rules or laws where people feel like they should never talk, text or communicate once they've set up their date. So say you've been texting online and you made plans for five days from now or a few days from now. What is going on with people who think that you should never speak, talk, text or video chat again until the day of your date when you are actually supposed to meet somewhere? If you made plans five days ago with someone and you haven't said a single word or text or phone call since then, and you're meeting them in five minutes, do you just show up, hope that they remembered or they're on time or confirmed or didn't have something else come up and go through all the trouble to shower, get dressed, get ready, drive there, park, sit down, wait, and then wait an additional 1015 minutes and then say, where are you? That's just not going to cut it. And I find that that's going to be the best way to never have that date happen. At the very least, I think it's nice to say something the day before, hey, looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. Hope you're having a great night. Still good for six? Or do you need to make it a little later, a little earlier? Something that keeps the communication going and at least reminds the other person that they made plans to see you. Because for the most part, no one writes things down, no one keeps notes on things. No one saves your name to their phone. You're just a random number in their phone that they need to scroll up a little bit to see who was texting them. This also has to do with saving someone's name to your phone who you are actually interested in. So they're not just a number that shows up. I love to even add a photo to a contact so it reminds me of who I'm looking at when they call or text. This gives me a much warmer feeling than just a random number and some words. The other issue with not saving people's names to your contact is that when they call you, because, you know, at closeness we're big on real phone calls, you're not going to recognize the number and so you're ten times likelier to not pick up the phone, which means you're always going to default your conversation back to text message also, if you don't have a number saved, it's extremely difficult to go look at your missed calls, see what that number is, and then go hunting down through your text messages at all your other unsaved numbers to try and match it up. Especially if a lot of people have the same area code. Interestingly, a lot of people will actually admit what horrible people they are.
[00:14:12] Oh, I'm so bad with my phone. Oh, I never check my texts. I'm really bad about answering calls. I'm really bad about not picking up or getting together or the whole so busy thing. So if you know this and the past ten people in your life who have given you shit about it, know it and you've been hearing it your whole life and you're aware of it, why wouldn't you want to do something about it?
[00:14:42] So to reiterate again, this deadly sin is about feeling the need to not speak, text or communicate in between the time that you've set up your date and actually go on your date, when in fact this is one of the best times to break the ice and to get to know someone a little bit. Maybe have a phone call, have a video chat, have some voice text exchange or some photos. Get comfortable with each other so that when you are face to face, it's not such a shock. But no, if you've ever been down this road, you might know how it feels. If you send a little message here and there to check in, see how they are, give a phone call, you'll know that it goes either unanswered or you get some sort of brush off or quick reply or get a reply way later which makes you feel very uninspired about communicating with the person, which makes you not look forward to your date. So share something cool about your day. Send a couple photos, send a couple ideas, record a video of yourself and say hello. Share something that you think the other person might like and get a little dialogue going back and forth.
[00:15:43] Number 32. I'm going to mention it here again in a different way. Assumptions. This one goes so far beyond online dating. I just assumed you were busy so I never called you. I just assumed you were with someone else, so I didn't bother to invite you to the party. I thought you were having sex with 500 other people, so I didn't bother doing it with you. Did you bother to ask? What if it was only 300 people? I just assumed you weren't interested based on your friendly text replies and all of your phone calls to me. I assumed. I assumed. I assumed and then you just throw that relationship away. This is really one of those conniving, deadly sins where you're putting the blame the onus onto someone else other than yourself.
[00:16:25] I assumed you didn't want to, making it seem like the person who didn't even know that you were assuming this is completely at fault for not making it seem like they were available in the perfect way just for you, when in fact, it's just an assumption. The only time I think people should ever assume that someone doesn't want to be with you is if they say to you specifically, I don't want to be with you. Everything else is open to interpretation, which is a game that I feel and I wish we'd all bring to an end. A lot of what this is is inferred thinking, implied thinking. It's subtle reasoning. It's not direct communication. It's indirect communication. And if you're from a culture or a family or a series of relationships where people never say what they think, and you have to look at all the clues to figure out what they think, you are in for a world of hurt. Because the only way to know what someone's really thinking and feeling is if they say, I'm really thinking and feeling this. And sure, you can become very dialed in emotionally and you could pick up on people's feelings, but you can also be completely wrong. And I don't just mean sometimes and on rare occasion, I mean all the time. How many times have you assumed that because someone didn't call you, they were mad or didn't like you, or something really bad happened to them, or someone who said they'd call you when they get home and they didn't, and you thought they got in a car crash or something ridiculous like this, and it's never the case. So that's the danger with assumptions, rather than trying to guess what people are feeling or wonder what people are feeling or assuming what people are feeling. Novel idea.
[00:18:06] Say what you're feeling. Yeah, it's a little vulnerable. Yes, you put yourself out there, but you know what? The results that you get, oh, my God, you'll never want to go back.
[00:18:17] Number 33, assuming and acting as if everything is a red flag here. It's really important to not confuse discomfort with red flags or someone saying something that you don't agree with, with it being a dangerous situation or feeling like you have to watch out for someone because they just said something that you're not used to, or because they're more open minded than you are, or because they have a different perspective than you are, or because they're a little more liberal and you're conservative and so on and so forth. There are a million ways for people to communicate, and it doesn't mean it's always a red flag simply because you don't feel great about it. An option, with the exception of someone treating you poorly, is to get curious about why the person feels the way they do. Sometimes it feels like people are searching for red flags, and from one perspective, that's understandable. You don't want to get yourself into a dangerous situation, and you don't want to, of course, waste time with someone who turns out to be crazy in some regard. However, when you're constantly seeking out or looking for what's wrong with someone, you're going to find it. There's something wrong with all of us. None of us are perfect. We all have these proverbial red flags and issues that we're working through because we carry them with us from childhood, including yourself. So it's really about where you want to put your attention on your partner. Do you want to activate things that you dislike or activate things that you are enamored by?
[00:19:45] Number 34. What a powerful one. Wedged in between all of these other sins. There are many ways we can word this. I think it essentially comes down to carrying a belief or acting as though you're better than everyone else. You might also say this one is expecting someone to prove themselves to you or to demonstrate their worthiness. Another way to word it might be thinking that you are the prize. Something better than someone else, that you deserve special treatment by way of your sex, race, gender, et cetera. And whoever this someone else is has to work for it or work for you, or invest in some way to prove their worthiness, such as buying you shit, paying for food, or demonstrating through a series of dates that they are worthy of your attention. And it doesn't take much to watch an attitude like this completely fall apart in many ways. Number one, if you always think you're superior and someone else also doesn't feel worthy of you because of how you're behaving, because of the words you use in gestures, you might say, well, that's not someone who can handle me. That's not someone who can keep up with me. Two of my least favorite phrases and expressions. So therefore, I don't want to be with them anyway because someone should be able to handle me and keep up with me and get up to speed with my very intense and outgoing personality. So you lose that person on your end for your thinking and you lose the possibility of knowing someone wonderful and spectacular because you have that strong belief about them before giving them the chance to get to know you. And P. S. The expression keep up with me can pretty much be deleted from all of your future conversations. Is it a rat race? Are we on a hamster wheel? Are you just always ahead of us, doing things that are far more important and superior and we're just jogging up behind you, just trying to keep up with you and the places you're going and things you're doing? Come on, number two.
[00:21:39] If you deem someone to in fact be worthy of your time, but this person, this new partner, also carries the same enormous ego that you do, such as high level of expectation, arrogance, superiority, thinks that he's a king or a god, or also believes that you need to prove yourself worthy to him and demonstrate that you're worth his time. Well, now you just have two egotistical children. Excuse me, Egos screaming at each other. No, I don't trust you. I can't trust you. Trust is earned. Earn my trust. Of course I'm not going to trust you right off the bat. You need to prove that to me. You need to purchase things for me that demonstrate that you're going to be there. And the truth is, no one can do anything to prove instantly and over the course of a few dates that they are going to be there or be in it for the long haul, you can show someone over and over and over again, and with time, time meaning years, you can pretty much infer that if someone has been there for you over and over and over again, that they're going to continue to do so. But the other thing is this expectation that someone is there for you, has your back, will always support you, will listen to you, and then when you turn the table and ask, do you do the same? Do you offer the same level of depth or support for his or her needs? Most of the time, the answer is no. So with a deadly sin like this, we're generally dealing with a very selfish, very protective person who I do not ever recommend interacting with. Anyone who you come across who thinks that you need to prove yourself to them, anyone who you come across who thinks they are better than you by default, simply by their sex or who they are or how they look or their status or what they have, is certainly not someone you want to be with for the long term. And it can also pretty much guarantee you're not going to enjoy them for the short term unless you understand exactly what it's about which will likely be sex, money and power. And that's all I have to say about that.
[00:23:42] That was a heavy one. Let's move on to number 35, which is another life lesson. Take a long, deep breath because this one is so seedy punctuality. It's got two parts. It's not just letting someone know that you're late or not going to be there or that something came up at the time that you were supposed to be there. And that in itself is already sacrilegious and horrible enough. But the deadly sin itself is even worse than this. It's waiting until the person who you're going to see actually calls you or texts you to say, hey, we have plans at 730, at 745. Where are you? And then in that moment is when you choose to let them know that you're running super late or that something came up. You know how one of the things that women hate when you reject a man is when he insults you or is rude or calls you a bitch or says all these horrible, unfounded things and then you get really upset and defensive and it feels like you hate men. You never want to talk to them. I fully understand and I think that's completely messed up. And I can't stand when men do that either. But this behavior is what creates that feeling in men to want to respond this way to you. And it's deserved. Yes, you deserve it. Anyone deserves it. Who behaves this way when you don't bother to let another human being know who wants to spend time with you, who went through the trouble to clear their schedule, who set up a date with you, who drove somewhere, who's sitting somewhere, who's waiting somewhere for you and you couldn't even bother to give a real phone call and let them know that plans have changed. Oh, gosh, my heart just goes out for all the people in the universe who have been stood up, flaked on, ignored, not followed through with getting no phone call, getting no update. It's horrible. We get so excited to meet someone and then all of those hopes crushed because they felt like doing something else every single time something comes up or you want to change your plans every single time. You know, not one, two, or three minutes in advance, usually somewhere between 30 minutes and an hour and in some cases days before, you know, around an hour before you're supposed to be there, that you're likely not going to be able to make it or you're getting caught up or something may change. And that's when you have to speak up. What does this look like in action? Hey, hon, I'm here at the spot we were supposed to meet. Hey, I'm here. Are you here, too? Hey, where are you? I can't find you. Hey, I've been sitting at the table for 15 minutes. Hey, I'm at the concert and I don't see you here. What are you wearing? And then comes the Grim reply. Oh, I haven't left yet. Oh, I'm running late. It's been a hectic day. Oh, I've had a rough start. Yeah, I'll be there soon. I haven't left yet. Sorry. This is such caustic and shady behavior that I will say if you are interacting with someone who does this to you, you'd be way better off never speaking to them again. And also letting them know why you're never speaking to them again. You've heard the saying, the old adage, you never get a second chance to make a first impression. This person's first impression of you is that you couldn't even show them enough respect to let them know that you weren't going to be there or be there on time. The reason why I recommend never speaking to someone like this again is because when that person does arrive, what are you supposed to do? You're supposed to just overlook it, pretend it never happened. No big deal. We're all late. Water off a duck's back. Stuff happens. Stuff comes up. That's okay. If it happened to people like once every six months, once a year, who wouldn't be able to overlook something like that? But when it's a regular occurrence for everyone, it's just unacceptable. And because most likely people are already going to have a lot of resentment when someone gets there 30 or 40 minutes late, or whatever the situation may be. Or if you have to reschedule and you are already waiting someplace for someone, how are you going to be cool and awesome and swEet? Most people can't do that. It's going to be repressed anger. And so then you have a lot of passive aggressive behavior coming out, which, of course, is no way to be in a relationship if you're a woman who does this to people, try to imagine that a guy leaves you waiting in a place and shows up 30 minutes late and expects you to just say, hey, no problem, I was just playing around on my phone for 30 minutes. Or if he cancels on you and you're waiting somewhere, hey, no big deal. Let's just get together some other time. It's very unlikely. So one of the tricky parts about this deadly sin is you never know if a person is going to be that kind of a monster until the moment you get together. It's kind of like you don't know if sex is going to be good until you actually start having sex or being intimate. Very similar with this dating sin. Ooh, these are getting so good. So how can you avoid this? What is one thing you can do to know that you're dealing with a monster or not is you send messages and you call before any of this happens. Hey, I'm heading over in about an hour. Are you still good for 05:00? Hey, looking forward to seeing you. Or a real phone call saying, hey, I'm actually going to park by da da da. Let's meet over by the tree on such and such street. Be specific with things and make it require more of a response than just like yes or no. And you'll be able to tell very quickly if this person is going to be one of those nasty, disgusting, vile, flaky people. Onward to the next deadly sin, number 36.
[00:29:23] This one takes a little bit of psychology. The idea is you're running late, you're behind, you're flaking, you're doing something wrong that you know you shouldn't do, and the other person calls you on it. They're like, hey, I've been waiting a long time, or where are you? Had I known you were going to be this late, I could have done such and such. I could have gone to the grocery store, or I could have gone shopping, or I could have hung out with my friends. Whatever they tell you they could have done. Instead, you then, even though you are already a huge disappointment, even though you've already let them down, you still feel the need to dig the dagger in even further to be even more vicious, and you encourage them to go do the very thing that they could have done, but now they can't do because they're stuck waiting for you. By all means, go do that thing then. Go do that thing that you could have done if I hadn't showed up late. That's fine. We can reschedule. Go do that. We can get together some other time, no problem. We don't have to get together at all today. And on and on and on. This is another one of those where it feels like every person in the world somehow has this program installed in their brain that when they do something cruel to someone, they should just be even meaner. When they flake, they should also be like, oh, not my fault. So just do what you need to do. Go do you. But the thing is, we can't go do that thing because that's what would have happened if we knew that you were going to flake. And so now, not only are you being late, you're also disqualifying yourself from the date and saying, I'm not even going to invest in this. I'm also late. And since you now called me on my shit, I'm going to tell you, go do it. I don't care. I'm not invested in this. I don't want to waste my time with someone who's not always waiting around for me. Me.
[00:31:11] It's not so much the semantics of telling someone to go do that. It's basically saying that the date never meant anything to you to begin with, that you're not invested. And I'm sure with many of these, a lot of you are thinking, gosh, these people must not be interested in the person, or they obviously didn't like them, and the other person should just move on. But what you have to understand is this is already at the level where men are setting up these dates. This is already at the place where someone has agreed to something and we think it's going to go well. So it's not so easy to just be like, oh, well, next. Oh, well, next. Oh, well, next. OtherwiSe we can't get excited about you. And if you want to feel special and you want a man to think you're hot and you want a man to really be thinking about you, but always in the back of his mind, this is like one of the most important things I think I could ever say. If always in the back of our mind, we have to expect disappointment, not be bothered when you flake, never be upset, expect that it's not going to go well for us, which is a terrible way to live. But if you think that as men, we should be able to resilient and it's just water off a duck's back and no problem, it didn't bother us. We weren't invested in you anyway. We don't care about you anyway. So it really doesn't matter if you canceled or flaked on us. Is that what you want? Of course not. If what we're always doing is minimizing disappointment, then we can't ever be that invested in the first place, which means we can't ever be that into you. Do you hear that?
[00:32:36] If we are not invested because we don't care about the outcome, then that means we were never that into you in the first place, which might be the very game that you're playing. And then everybody's running around feeling very careless. I don't care. Whatever. Doesn't matter to me if we get together or not. Doesn't matter to me if I like you or not. There's always something else, someone else that eliminates that sweet, sweet connection that we're all looking for. So stop encouraging your date to go do something else instead of spending time with you when he or she is sitting there waiting for you on a date. How does this look in reality? It is very natural and appropriate, I think, for anyone to call someone else out on their tardiness. Hey, I carved some time out of my schedule for us to be together today. I don't have a lot of free time, and I'm sitting here waiting for you. That's not something that's at all unreasonable or deserves a rude reply or should make anyone never want to talk to you again because you let someone know where you are and you let someone know your boundary. Other Examples are, I put everything else on hold, or I canceled a meeting, or I really made this space available so you and I could spend time together. No one. No one wants to hear back. Don't wait for me. We'll just do it some other time. It's almost like there's this idea of let's just cancel everything and forget the whole thing idea. Instead of having an amazing date because I'm late, let's just forget the whole thing was ever planned out and it ever existed.
[00:34:08] There's a very specific formula to all of this that also really negates the philosophy that the person was never into you in the first place. So, first of all, you match on a dating website, or you are in communication with each other and you set up your first date. There's excitement, there's curiosity. You've seen some great photos, they've said some nice things to you, and you want to meet them in person, and they seem genuinely excited about doing so. You set plans to get together. Then, of course, you know from previous deadly sins that you have to never speak again until the time of your first date. You have to totally ignore each other until that date time comes around, and then you know how it goes from there. So what is that? Do people have two personalities? Are they schizophrenic? Are they bipolar? What is it about so many people that causes them to make plans, have something come up, and then never, ever be accountable with their time? Once it does, it's just like poof. If you really need me to spell out the answer, what is it? It's just called accountability. Respect. Showing up on time, keeping your promises, keeping your word, following through, showing excitement, being enthusiastic, telling the person you're looking forward to seeing them, letting them know you're going to run late. If you have to reschedule, doing so with as much notice as possible, and you offer a few times that you're available. So that's the way loving relationships work. And that's also the way loving relationships begin.
[00:35:32] Number 37. This one's really easy to understanD. Freaking out. And when I use the phrase freaking out, it means having a strong negative, bad reaction. When someone suggests that you do something on your date that you don't want to do, or that you're shocked that he would even think you might want to do. Whether it's something obvious, like going to his house or him coming to yours, or doing an activity that you have no desire to do. For example, let's say you're someone who has convinced themselves that you have an artificial higher standard that demands that you be taken out to nice places only on first dates. But someone proposes that you go get tacos or Thai food or something casual. So you're disgusted and shocked and insulted because what you believe about yourself is that you deserve more. And how dare this person ask you out to do something like that. So what this is, of course, is vanity, arrogance, self absorption, all of that. And it's much better to reflect on yourself and be like, look, am I missing an incredible opportunity simply because my date invited me out for Thai food? Am I going to judge that person on their restaurant choice and think that this means something else? You have no idea if they're a millionaire or wealthy or not or this is the best food you'll ever taste in the area. So it's about not being explosive and reactionary when someone doesn't recommend your perfect idea of a date, why can you not be explosive and reactionary and rude and mean and cruel? Because you're not doing the asking if you're doing the asking and the recommending if you're constantly giving not just clues but really obvious, clear communication, feedback about the kind of food you like and the places you like to go and what you have for, dare I say, expectations and what you prefer, what your preferences are, and then someone, you know, I was thinking we could just go to the Dodger Stadium and have a Dodger dog. And that disgusts you? Then, yeah, maybe you can be upset about him making a poor choice based on what you've shared. But when someone knows nothing about you, has no idea about what you might like or will like, and they're doing their best, or they suggest something they think is fun, why not turn it into a simple conversation about how you want it to unfold, or suggest something else instead? Or take your date to a place that you'd love to go. Lots of options there.
[00:38:02] Number 38, asking people to tell you about themselves. Tell me about yourself. Tell me something about you. So what's going on with you? What's your story?
[00:38:12] I find this to be one of the most powerful cop outs for actually being interested in someone that you can possibly speak about. I would so much rather sit quietly in a room with someone and not say a word than have someone tell me to tell them about myself and start coming up with random thoughts. I mean, I could speak about something when I'm three years old. I could speak about an issue at work. And while some people might find that interesting to some degree, it's so random and so general that it makes it very difficult to begin a conversation about something. So if you want to know something about someone, ask them specifically if you want to know about where they're from. Ask them a detailed question about it if you want to know what excites them. I find questions to be far more powerful when they are. Something about where you're going, not where you've been, not who your parents are or your favorite color, or something out of your past or what your job is or any of that. What are you excited and passionate about right now? What's making a difference in your life? What's something you want to change or improve on? Are you working through any goals? Are you involved in something that's really exciting for you right now? Those are great conversation openers. But tell me about yourself is almost the same as saying, what's up?
[00:39:27] How are you? Hey, how are you? Fine. Great. How are you? It doesn't go anywhere easily. Get curious about your partner. Find something interesting that you want to speak about. What impassions you. These types of things are going to make the biggest difference with your communication.
[00:39:44] Number 39. This is the opposite of number 38 and somewhat like its shadow side. So in addition to asking these interview style questions that are very, very sort of contrived, do you get along with your mother? How do you treat the wait staff? Where are you going? Where do you see yourself in five years? What do you do? What do you drive? In addition to going down your pre programmed list of questions that you have for dates. You also simultaneously are deflecting from yourself and not sharing anything about you because you're so quote private. Not disclosing, not sharing, not engaging, minimizing words, reducing answers down to yes, no, I don't know questions and especially the words I don't know. I can't tell you how often on 1st, 2nd, 3rd dates I've heard I don't know to which I want to say, well, think about it for a moment. What do you want? What are you feeling? What are your thoughts and feelings about this on subjects you don't care about or know nothing about? Fine. But when it comes to your own life and your own thoughts about ideas, give it some thought and explore it. Because taking thought where it hasn't been before is one of the most exciting ways to connect and communicate with another human being. And finally, number 40, suggesting that this relationship is just not going to work because you're never available and your date keeps asking you out too much. So therefore you should never talk again. Meaning the person saying that it's not going to work is also the same person who is never actually available to get together. Another way of putting this is telling your date that they are too forward or too pushy or too aggressive simply because they keep asking you out. Literally just asking you out. Like, hey, hon, it'd be great to see you this Tuesday. Are you free? Or what about next Wednesday? Blah, blah, blah. Even though in response you're not suggesting alternatives or you're expressing how busy you are or having all this stuff come up or going on and on and on about your busy life. But there's more to it than that. And that's why this one deserves a story. As with all of these deadly sins, these are not one off or two off events. These are things that I keep hearing over and over in my coaching practice, things that I've experienced in my own life and heard from other friends all over the world. So here is yet again, a vulnerable story. One of my favorite ways to meet people is when right off the bat, you can feel texting chemistry. There is a flirtatiousness, a vivaciousness. I love being able to tell when a woman is very light hearted and happy and easygoing and super friendly and open. All of those things really inspire me, and they bring out the best in me as well. So we were texting and texting and texting. We sent a ton of voice memos back and forth, and our first date happened to be like a 90 minutes video chat session. This very natural, very upbeat, not trashy, not low class, not obnoxious in any way. Girl actually answered the phone in bed naked, and she just had a cover, kind of covering her breasts, but she seemed to feel very light and airy about it. And so if a boob popped out, that was okay. And she smiled and laughed a lot. We had an incredible, incredible conversation. So to have that level of comfort, we can be certain when I say she liked me, and I felt 100% certain that she also wanted to get together. And she used words like, I can't wait to see you. It's going to be exciting. Can't wait to get together in person. If this is how our chemistry is on FaceTime, wow, it's going to be amazing in person. There was no doubt in my mind whatsoever that what was going to unfold was going to be an incredible experience. So over the next week or so, we continued to chat a little bit and talk. And because, of course, this is how it usually goes, she would leave it open ended, like, okay, see you soon. And I would follow up with, well, why don't we book a date for such and such time? And she was always super friendly and apologetic. Oh, I'm so sorry. I've been running all around. Oh, this day is crazy for me. This week is crazy for me. I really, really want to. When someone is that enthusiastic and loving, I personally, and I'm sure other men as well, will be like, well, this girl just must have an insane schedule. I guess I should just keep trying and trying. By the way, no one enjoys doing this. No man enjoys trying again and again and again and again and being told the same friendly, happy things over and over again, but she just can't. Sure, I know for some people, not including myself, the chase is fun. But how long can you chase something? How long should you chase something? And how long can you keep your dignity chasing something when you're asking and asking and pursuing and pursuing and nothing's coming of it, right? And I don't even think that this girl was necessarily intentionally trying to have me chase her. But it just gets a little, like, obnoxious, frankly, having to ask and ask and ask and feeling like nothing's coming of it. But we were both in such a good mood about it that I would say to her, hey, why not tell me a few times you're available? Or why not suggest some alternatives or let me know when you are able to get together? And she would say, you're right, you're right. We need to pick a time we need to pick a time. And yet it just wouldn't happen. Well, three weeks into this and we still haven't gotten together face to face. The girl who answered her phone topless, the girl who laughed and played and smiled and flirted with me, who I've spoken to on several occasions and exchanged photos with and got to know a little bit over the last few weeks, yet no traction. So after what must have been like, I don't know, my fifth or 6th time, suggesting a time for us to get together, then came the expression, you know, I just don't think this is going to work out. I'm feeling like it's a little much with trying to get together. I feel like I'm disappointing you and I feel like you keep asking and asking. It'S like, yeah, you think? And here I found myself getting feedback that over the course of three weeks, asking someone out a few times is too much. And I can hear it. I love feedback and I can take it. But you have to ask yourself, at what point is this really about that versus a lack of interest or something else going on or someone else's busy schedule? But in any case, as soon as I heard that, I knew that was probably going to be the last time we spoke. So I'm always very inquisitive with this stuff because ultimately you have to learn to just be able to let it go, not put too much stock into it. And that's really a shame because I like getting excited for dates. I like getting excited to meet someone. And I don't know about you or if I'm different from most other people, but for me, there's absolutely no gratification or enjoyment of any kind from these long, drawn out waits before meeting someone. I enjoy when someone wants me and they want to see me and they're excited about it, that we do it. I find that to be the most gratifying. And I make a point to only spend time with people who give me that sensation, who make me feel enthusiasm, who I feel the excitement that they want to see me and they want to meet me. They're not feeling wishywashy. This happened to be one of those rare cases where I thought there was a lot of excitement and who knows, maybe there was and she changed her mind. Maybe there never was, or maybe it was just a matter of timing. But I always find it more effective and more beneficial to spend time with people who are really interested in seeing you, too. And I think if most people think about it, it's a philosophy that if you had to work for it, you somehow like it more. And I don't think that should apply in dating at all. Assuming you believe in equality or two people are coming together as equals, why would someone have to work for it? Just listen to how it sounds if you switch the tables. If this woman wants to spend time with me, she needs to work for it. She should actually work hard to deserve time to be in my presence. If this woman wants to have sex with me, I better get something in return. What is she going to do for me if I give her sex? Maybe she should give me money and cooking. See how absurd that sounds? Don't you get turned off when you hear a man speaking like that? Talking about what women owe him if they want to spend time with him? So why on earth would anyone think that a man needs to prove his worthiness or demonstrate higher value or do something for a woman who's sitting there in judgment just because she's her or born or female? Think about this. Men don't even know if our, whatever you want to call it at this point, our bounty, our prey, our hunt, our catch, is even someone that you're going to really like because you haven't even had the first date yet. And so that's why I think it's a total waste of time to pursue and pursue and pursue when you don't even know how you're going to get along in person. The funny thing about trying to get together with someone who is making excuses is that you know damn well that they have lunch, take lunch breaks, have dinner, take dinner breaks, have breakfast. At some point in most cases, have these areas and times where it would actually be possible to say, let's just grab a quick bite or let's just grab some coffee or let's grab a smoothie. But no. And this is what's so incredible to me. It's so easy to say at any point along the way, suddenly I'm not interested. But if that's really the case, why are you complimenting and talking about how you want to get together and demonstrating excitement and being naked, et cetera, et cetera. But then, when it doesn't work out perfectly, what is everybody's favorite thing to do? What must happen as soon as we decide that for some reason we're not going to get together with someone, never talk to each other again for the rest of our lives. And I actually had asked this particular woman, I said, what do other men do when they pursue you, if not ask you out once every few days?
[00:49:04] And respond to your no's with sensitivity and understanding and then try again a couple of days later if being patient, thoughtful, caring, understanding, yet a little forward, because hello, we do care. I am interested in you. You don't want me to give a generic response to every single woman I meet, making you not feel special. You want to know that I'm actually interested in you. If none of that is working for you, what does? What would have made you say yes? And of course, as usual, when many people are confronted with their own shit, being accountable or they really have to think, there is no answer. My thinking with things like this and one of the problems with asking people out on dates when it's driven by males, when it always has to be the man. Asking a woman in heterosexual relationships is that it presupposes that a woman is a very busy girl, generally unobtainable. And the word busy, as you know from many episodes, is just disgustingly prevalent in everyone's conversation. But when a man asks a woman out, it kind of presupposes that we are somehow not busy or we have an endless available schedule, or we don't have to worry about trying to fit her in. That any time for us can work and that maybe therefore our time is perceived as less valuable in some way because we're asking and asking and asking. And this isn't the case at all. And that's why I strongly recommend that if you want something to work successfully with someone who you're dating, it takes two. It always takes two. Nothing is more delightful to a man's ears when he says, would you like to go out with me on Friday night? And you don't stop at I can't or I'd love to, but I can't. You add the word, but I'm available on Sunday. Or let me give you a couple of times when I can see you. Oh my God. Why this hasn't been known for the last 2000 years or people have not managed to be able to communicate like this is beyond me. But that, my friends, is what's going to bring you closeness.
[00:51:05] And there you have it. The 40 deadly sins of online dating. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for being a part of closeness. I know this is a lot to take in. And if you're working on yourself as a person, if you're working on your behavior and your responses to things, you're just seeking to understand yourself or understand the opposite sex. I hope this has been amazing for you. Remember if this has moved you or helped you in any way, shape or form. Please support us on Patreon Patreon.com closeness. You can leave a donation of any dollar amount from $1 up to $100,000. So whatever feel like giving always helps and allows us to continue making these powerful episodes. So thank you again, have a wonderful day and stay close.
