Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Welcome to the Closeness Podcast, your new sexual education. My name is Tari. I'm your host.
[00:00:05] Speaker B: And today we're talking about building sexual tension.
[00:00:08] Speaker C: What it is exactly why you have got to show your masculine edge or your masculinity or your assertiveness and confidence and your sexual prowess to your current partner and how to otherwise comport yourself in a way that is sexually attractive.
[00:00:22] Speaker D: To her, whether that's displayed as confidence.
[00:00:25] Speaker B: Assertiveness, handling the situation, taking things off.
[00:00:29] Speaker C: Her plate, playful, dominance, healthy dominance leading.
[00:00:32] Speaker B: In the bedroom and knowing where you're.
[00:00:33] Speaker C: Going, decisiveness or even any form of your sexuality.
[00:00:37] Speaker B: As a man, I'd say it's pretty imperative for you to learn how to tap into that, access it and let.
[00:00:42] Speaker C: It out if you really want to.
[00:00:43] Speaker D: Have a rewarding sex life.
[00:00:45] Speaker B: Some of this can be shown through desire, eye contact, your energy, the way.
[00:00:50] Speaker D: You stand in front of her, but.
[00:00:51] Speaker B: It also can show up as restrained, lust or passion. Like you can't get enough of her, but you're going to hold yourself back.
[00:00:58] Speaker A: Looking at her across the room or.
[00:01:00] Speaker C: Up close with desire and passion, prowess, knowing what you're doing or what you want to do with her.
[00:01:05] Speaker B: Having a plan or some sort of an idea of what you're going to.
[00:01:09] Speaker A: Do with her or to her in the bedroom that she will absolutely love and or the ability to be spontaneous.
[00:01:16] Speaker B: In the moment and know how to move her through different positions and angles and intensities, not just doing the same.
[00:01:23] Speaker C: Thing for minutes or hours on end.
[00:01:26] Speaker B: So today's episode can be summarized by learning how to take her on an incredible sexual journey before having sex, as opposed to the very common male strategy of just trying to get off.
Now, first things first. I am a very big proponent of love. It's one of my favorite things. But two of the greatest challenges when it comes to sex is number one, love isn't often enough or the motivating.
[00:01:53] Speaker C: Force for most people to have sex.
[00:01:56] Speaker B: And two, the way that you show your female partner your sexuality versus the way you love her, which are two different things. And what winds up happening is men show their attraction and their lust in long term relationships in a way that comes across to a woman as softness and sweetness and cuteness, lacking desire and intensity.
The way that she shows you desire, the style that she does it in, has to look different and feel different than the way you love her and the way you show her your sexuality. It has to be different so that she can catch that spark, that arousal, that excitement, that sexual tension, and that passion inside of her that drives her.
[00:02:39] Speaker D: To want to have sex with you.
[00:02:42] Speaker B: I am absolutely all about the snuggles, being cute, making her laugh. But if you don't take the sexual part of it seriously, if you don't.
[00:02:50] Speaker C: Look at her with masculine energy or with a masculine gaze, as someone who.
[00:02:55] Speaker B: Wants her and desires her and again.
[00:02:57] Speaker C: Who takes it seriously over time and in long term committed relationships and marriage, she unfortunately will wind up not taking you seriously. She's not going to see you that way and she's not going to want to share herself with you in that way. And that, friends, is very dangerous.
[00:03:14] Speaker B: And for better or worse, if you are her husband or long term partner, it may be the case that she chose you for very different reasons than what you might imagine. It might have been safety, security, or being her best friend. And often those things don't go immediately hand in hand with hot, lustful, passionate sex. However, there are some things that you.
[00:03:38] Speaker D: Can do about it.
And that leads us right into something.
[00:03:43] Speaker B: I want to talk about next called the puppy dog syndrome. When a woman loves a man, it.
[00:03:48] Speaker C: Almost doesn't matter how she behaves around him. She could be vulnerable and fragile, delicate and sweet, cry, pouty, seductive, sensual, playful, happy babylike talk in a little baby voice, say cutesy things.
[00:04:02] Speaker B: I mean, the list just goes on and on and on about what's sexually.
[00:04:07] Speaker C: Attractive to us as men.
[00:04:09] Speaker B: It all looks amazing, desirable, delicious.
[00:04:12] Speaker C: Men truly enjoy the female gaze or.
[00:04:15] Speaker D: Having female attention on us in almost any capacity.
[00:04:19] Speaker C: It also is very easy to become sexual when a woman is giving you her gaze or her loving look or her look of tenderness or empathy or vulnerability. Anything looks appealing to us as men. On the other hand, men's puppy dog eyes, or gentle, delicate looks or vulnerability, or caring, tender eyes, specifically for a sexual encounter. Specifically when you want to have sex with your wife and you're giving her.
[00:04:48] Speaker D: The look of love.
[00:04:49] Speaker B: What I see in my practice consistently and over and over again, repeated over years, is that it shuts women down.
[00:04:57] Speaker C: Sexually and dries them out. Now, those are strong words, so don't.
[00:05:01] Speaker B: Get me wrong, ladies.
[00:05:02] Speaker C: I'm not saying that you don't find it nice when a man is vulnerable or you don't appreciate it from time to time, when he's open and loving.
[00:05:09] Speaker B: Or you love the way he looks at you, makes you smile, makes you.
[00:05:12] Speaker C: Laugh, cracks jokes, is gentle and sweet. These are very cozy, nice, lovable things.
[00:05:17] Speaker B: But it's an entirely different thing than loving the way he looks at you.
[00:05:21] Speaker A: Which makes you want to fuck him.
[00:05:24] Speaker B: It's a very different thing. And I want you to consider if you're in a partnership right now, every time your man looks at you, what.
[00:05:31] Speaker C: Is the feeling, what's the vibe? Is he giddy, smiling, playful boyish? And you laugh together and crack jokes.
[00:05:37] Speaker B: And again, that may be something that.
[00:05:39] Speaker C: You love about your relationship.
[00:05:40] Speaker B: I love those qualities as well, to.
[00:05:42] Speaker C: Be able to play and keep things light. But when it comes down to it.
[00:05:46] Speaker D: And it's really time to have you? What do you want?
[00:05:50] Speaker B: Do you want him to take it seriously? Do you want him to have his way with you, with your best interest in mind?
[00:05:55] Speaker C: Do you want him to give you a powerful sexual experience? Or do you want to be playful.
[00:05:59] Speaker D: Jokey, silly and puppy doglike?
[00:06:02] Speaker C: Life mostly is not in absolutes playfulness, being funny, joking.
[00:06:07] Speaker B: It's an essential part of having a healthy relationship.
[00:06:09] Speaker C: But there's a time and a place.
[00:06:11] Speaker B: More often than not, in my professional.
[00:06:14] Speaker C: Experience and opinion, women want something a little more serious, a little more edgy.
[00:06:18] Speaker D: And a little more intense.
[00:06:21] Speaker B: Sometimes when men find out the truth about how their female partner really is or what she really wants and what she's really craving and desiring, men are.
[00:06:31] Speaker C: A little shocked, a little shell shocked, a little shaken. And to me, what's happening is she's never told him what she's actually desiring.
[00:06:38] Speaker B: And craving or she has, and he.
[00:06:40] Speaker C: Doesn'T know how to deliver it or.
[00:06:43] Speaker B: What she meant or how to give her that kind of sexual intensity. Sometimes men are so confused by what their female partner wants or doesn't want that they'll send their partner into a.
[00:06:53] Speaker C: Session with me to be, quote unquote.
[00:06:56] Speaker B: Fixed, when in fact, it's generally the.
[00:06:58] Speaker C: Way a man is initiating with her.
[00:07:00] Speaker B: Or behaving around her that's turning her off or not making her want to be sexual. So men will send their partners in for various reasons, maybe because she's not.
[00:07:09] Speaker C: Initiating the way she once used to.
[00:07:10] Speaker B: Or doesn't seem interested in sex anymore, or maybe she seems like she doesn't ever want to have sex with him. Men see sexuality and being sexual very differently than women do. Often men want their female partner to.
[00:07:22] Speaker C: Tell them what's wrong, the same way you would tell your doctor what's wrong.
[00:07:26] Speaker D: And expect him to provide all the answers.
[00:07:28] Speaker C: Show us what you want. Tell us how you want it to be done. Tell us when you're ready for sex.
[00:07:33] Speaker B: Often men want very overt signals and requests.
[00:07:37] Speaker A: Why can't she just come show me that she wants it so I don't have to go through all this agony of trying to figure it out with the wrong timing and the right timing and when she's up to it or.
[00:07:47] Speaker D: Not, and I don't have to be rejected.
[00:07:49] Speaker A: To which I say you're absolutely right. It would be incredibly easy and useful if women were able to behave like.
[00:07:57] Speaker B: Men, which, by the way, I don't.
[00:07:58] Speaker A: Think is why we love women so much. And if women would teach their husbands and boyfriends how to have sex with them, I think men would find this to be very useful and satisfactory and.
[00:08:10] Speaker C: In a very egalitarian sort of way, it does make sense. Look, if you want me to go down on you or you want me to treat you a certain way, show me what you like and then I'll do it.
[00:08:20] Speaker B: Men dream of a world where women.
[00:08:22] Speaker A: Could simply tell their boyfriends or husbands when they're feeling aroused, excited, horny, ready, or when they want.
[00:08:28] Speaker B: And to men's credit, they often think that this would make things much, much easier.
It often comes up in intimacy sessions.
[00:08:38] Speaker D: That men want their female partners to.
[00:08:40] Speaker C: Initiate more, to take charge, take the lead and to get things going. And this brings up another important point about the characteristic style that both men.
[00:08:50] Speaker D: And women initiate with.
[00:08:52] Speaker B: So oftentimes you'll hear that things were.
[00:08:54] Speaker C: Great in the beginning and everybody was having sex just fine and it seemed.
[00:08:58] Speaker B: Like she was always willing or wanting.
[00:09:00] Speaker C: To or ready and was always initiating. But now she has no desire or.
[00:09:04] Speaker A: Doesn'T do it at all, or wants.
[00:09:06] Speaker D: Him to be more manly, masculine, assertive, dominant, et cetera.
[00:09:09] Speaker B: What it seems like most people don't know is that women and men initiate.
[00:09:13] Speaker C: Sex differently, very differently. And one of the best ways to.
[00:09:17] Speaker D: Understand it is to think of it like this.
[00:09:20] Speaker A: Men do something to women to initiate.
[00:09:24] Speaker B: Some sort of action, some sort of touch or initiation.
[00:09:28] Speaker C: We move things forward, or at least we're supposed to.
[00:09:32] Speaker A: What we don't do is pose, preen.
[00:09:35] Speaker D: Flip our hair, bat our eyes, insinuate.
[00:09:38] Speaker B: Nudge, drop subtle hints.
[00:09:40] Speaker A: We usually make overt gestures by doing something to her, making a move, looking at her assertively.
[00:09:47] Speaker B: It's something that moves the action forward.
[00:09:50] Speaker C: And in doing this, it's going to.
[00:09:52] Speaker A: Hopefully trigger a response in her that's going to make her want to then.
[00:09:56] Speaker D: Open and share herself with him.
[00:09:58] Speaker C: And so I think when men want their wives or girlfriends to initiate with.
[00:10:03] Speaker B: Us, they erroneously think that their partners should do the same kinds of things.
[00:10:08] Speaker C: To move things forward. Like some kind of action, like flat out sitting on him or sitting on.
[00:10:14] Speaker B: His face, or taking off their clothes.
[00:10:16] Speaker C: Right in front of him, or taking.
[00:10:17] Speaker B: Off his clothes or going down on him, or putting on sexy lingerie or.
[00:10:21] Speaker D: Telling him that we should go to the bedroom.
[00:10:23] Speaker B: Some very overt, very obvious action. How do you get a man turned on? Well, every woman knows.
[00:10:29] Speaker C: You just put your hand between his legs and there you go.
[00:10:31] Speaker B: However, that's usually the last way that.
[00:10:34] Speaker C: A woman wants to do it. Please keep in mind as we go through all of this, these are generalities, this is for most people.
[00:10:40] Speaker D: And certainly you may be different in an equal world.
[00:10:44] Speaker B: If things were really 50 50 and.
[00:10:47] Speaker C: Both people were empowered equally and did the exact same movements and gestures and behaved in the same way, it would make sense for a female partner to do that. But that's not how it happens in reality.
[00:10:58] Speaker B: So when a woman actually initiates, and.
[00:11:01] Speaker C: By the way, women do very much initiate all of the time, it's often.
[00:11:05] Speaker B: Done with an invitation. That's the keys to the kingdom.
[00:11:09] Speaker C: That's the key phrase.
[00:11:10] Speaker B: It's an invitation or she will make herself available to you, for you to.
[00:11:16] Speaker C: Take action and touch, play, kiss, tease.
[00:11:19] Speaker D: Seduce, flirt, go down on, et cetera, et cetera.
[00:11:23] Speaker B: So men, it's imperative for you to.
[00:11:25] Speaker C: See her with a different set of eyes and learn to recognize what that is.
[00:11:29] Speaker B: Her readiness for sex is often an invitation for you to move things forward, not for her to straddle you topless.
[00:11:38] Speaker C: Put her boobs in your face and say, let's go fuck. Even though when that happens, it's freaking awesome.
Even when women have to or find themselves having no other choice but to initiate in this way, like aggressively assertively and like a man, which they do sometimes do and will sometimes take the.
[00:11:56] Speaker B: Lead if the man won't, especially if.
[00:11:58] Speaker C: The female partner wants sex more.
[00:12:01] Speaker B: Over time, your female partner will still feel dissatisfied, not exciting, not fun. It's something that she does to maybe.
[00:12:09] Speaker C: Get the job done because she wants to get off or she's been craving sex for so long.
[00:12:14] Speaker B: It doesn't work the same way that.
[00:12:15] Speaker C: It does for men, where we don't mind initiating as long as we know she wants it, then it's okay. When a woman catches herself initiating over and over again, she actually feels less beautiful, less desirable, less wanted, less attractive.
So a woman makes herself sexually available. What does this look like?
[00:12:37] Speaker A: Dressing up a little bit more than usual? Putting on a little extra makeup or.
[00:12:41] Speaker D: Some makeup at all.
[00:12:42] Speaker A: Looking pretty for you. Making herself look desirable. Wearing lipstick, running around with her pants off or pulling her pants off in front of you.
[00:12:49] Speaker C: Running around in her bra and panties, or just bra or just panties.
[00:12:53] Speaker B: Standing on top of the stairs and.
[00:12:54] Speaker C: Undressing and taunting you and tempting you by pulling her pants down.
[00:12:57] Speaker B: Asking you if you want to go relax.
[00:12:59] Speaker C: Asking you if you want to come upstairs, winking at you, running her fingers.
[00:13:04] Speaker A: Across your chest, brushing by you with.
[00:13:06] Speaker C: Her nipples laying on you, being playful, being feminine, being flirtatious, being cute, being adorable, giving you lots of eye contact and otherwise making herself available. In other words, if you have the female gaze upon you, or she's looking right at you, or she's nuzzling up against you, if she's around and available and nothing else is really happening, you guys are watching Netflix or reading or just hanging out in the house alone together.
[00:13:31] Speaker B: That means that it's probably okay for.
[00:13:33] Speaker D: You to make a move and get in there.
[00:13:36] Speaker C: These types of things are sexual cues and sexual invitations. It's the making herself available that is the key.
[00:13:43] Speaker B: And by the way, these moments can.
[00:13:45] Speaker C: Come out of nowhere. You could be laughing and joking and playful, and then she just looks in your eyes and you'll miss it in the moment because so many men refuse to look in their wives or their girlfriend's eyes. It's unbelievable. And so the signals are always there, always available. Take me, have me. Oh, this will be the perfect moment to kiss, the perfect moment to grab me or bend me over the counter.
[00:14:07] Speaker B: Now, even though there are supersexual women in the world who will behave just.
[00:14:11] Speaker D: Like men, it's still important for men.
[00:14:14] Speaker C: To keep in mind that in most long term relationships, a woman is not putting herself out there regularly and certainly.
[00:14:21] Speaker D: Not in the same way that we do it now.
[00:14:25] Speaker C: Because so many men cannot read the cues or don't know when their wife is available or aren't sure how to put them in the mood. They muster up the courage to make a move and they think about this and dwell on it and try to figure out when the right moment is or just try to be spontaneous, hoping that it's going to be the right timing. And shockingly, this thing called timing, which always gets in the way. It's the wrong time. She's rushing out the door, she's going to bed, she's got her bleaching trays in, she's got her hair done, she's.
[00:14:54] Speaker D: Got a mask on, and it's the.
[00:14:56] Speaker C: Last thing she does before bed and lights out. And that's when a guy scoots over and says, maybe I'm going to get some, as opposed to and this is really important. Bringing your sexual energy on a daily basis with regularity to all of your interactions. Making the life that you share together and the time that you share together, sexual or sensual. Making lots of your interactions about doing something sensual or connected or touching her in a way that feels like it awakens her passion. And how do you do that?
[00:15:27] Speaker B: Because certainly there are women who aren't.
[00:15:29] Speaker C: Very touchy feely or don't want to be touched all the time, or don't want to be touched in public, or affection makes them uneasy. But that may be because that the type of affection that you're giving her is not what she finds attractive and not what she likes. So, for example, if you're always caressing her or running your fingers through her.
[00:15:46] Speaker B: Hair or your hands over the small.
[00:15:48] Speaker A: Of her back or rubbing her shoulder.
[00:15:49] Speaker C: Her arms, some of these things can.
[00:15:51] Speaker D: Feel very nice to most people.
[00:15:53] Speaker B: However, those are nice gestures. They're not sexual choosing signals.
[00:15:58] Speaker C: Being sexual with her is when you're riding in your car and you take your right hand, you're steering with the left, and you just slide it right between her thighs and you squeeze firmly. Or you run your hand right up to the crease and just hold her there and glance over and look at her at a stoplight.
[00:16:14] Speaker B: Or you reach over and play with her breasts gently and tease one of her nipples if that's something that she likes. Or you can reach over and grab a handful of hair while driving, or at a stop sign, turn her head towards you and give her a nice kiss on the neck or earlobe.
[00:16:28] Speaker C: You get out of the car and no one's around. So you push her up against the car and you give her a quick passionate kiss or a neck bite, or.
[00:16:34] Speaker B: You feel her thighs, or you hold her waist.
[00:16:37] Speaker D: Or she's maybe just getting to the.
[00:16:39] Speaker C: Kitchen, not unloading groceries, not using a knife and not over a hot stove. You press up against her firmly and confidently, or open her ass cheek and push up against her, even with clothes on. These are the kinds of things that are sexual.
[00:16:53] Speaker D: So men are always trying to find.
[00:16:54] Speaker C: The right timing or the right moment to initiate with her that won't bother.
[00:16:58] Speaker A: Her and depending on how often they're getting rejected, will initiate once every few days or every few weeks. And sometimes not even at all, because it never works. I think sometimes women have this reputation of being these mystical creatures that are impossible to figure out. And one day she wants this, one day she wants that, today she's up, tomorrow she's down.
[00:17:17] Speaker C: How do you figure out what she.
[00:17:19] Speaker D: Wants and when she wants it?
[00:17:21] Speaker C: But the fact of the matter is, at least to me, timing does not seem all that complicated. I ask women all the time who come in, when is it bad timing for you and your partner? Why do you say, oh, the timing wasn't right? What's going on? It's usually a handful of similar issues.
[00:17:35] Speaker D: She's using a knife over an open.
[00:17:38] Speaker C: Flame, putting kids down, or has kids climbing all over her, or she just got finished being physical with the kids or playing with the kids and she's in mom mode, or she's rushing out the door, or it's right before bed. And I know if you have a busy life, it may seem like when else? But it's every other moment in between. Right before bed is not ideal.
[00:17:59] Speaker B: Some women can't stand being disturbed in the morning.
[00:18:01] Speaker C: But you know what I've found out? That more wives want to be taken in the morning by their husband and they just haven't verbalized it to them yet. If he wakes up rock hard, it's not about just sticking it in, but slowly waking her up. Just pressing up against her and sliding yourself between her cheeks, caressing her breasts, or feeling her hair. Giving her neck kisses is an incredible way to be awakened with her permission and consent. That means you have a conversation about it. And if she says, oh, I would love for something like that to happen, or it depends, but give it a try, then you're good to go. But if she says, I do not want to be taken in my sleep, then you have to listen to that, obviously.
[00:18:37] Speaker B: I think another reason why men have.
[00:18:39] Speaker C: A difficult time initiating and finding timing is due to the way men think about their girlfriends or wives. So rather than having a strong desire for her or this constant attention on her or yearning or presence or desire for her. The energy tends to be more like, how can I make this woman happy?
[00:18:58] Speaker B: When can I find a moment to get inside of her? When does she not look busy and she'll let me have sex with her?
[00:19:03] Speaker C: What can I do to exalt her or show her how much I care or just put a smile on her face?
[00:19:09] Speaker D: What do I need to do to.
[00:19:10] Speaker C: Please her or satisfy her or make sure she's content?
[00:19:14] Speaker A: When you're trying to make someone happy, when you're trying to please them, you.
[00:19:18] Speaker C: Are in essence, pedestalizing your partner. You're putting her up on a pedestal and the only place she can look from up there is down on you. And so, while everyone deserves respect, adoration, love, care, and women do want to feel chased, pursued, wanted, desired, loved. Trying to make someone happy, especially through.
[00:19:40] Speaker A: Buying gifts and doing nice gestures and.
[00:19:42] Speaker C: Being chivalrous, has a little bit of a needy energy when you're specifically talking about sex.
[00:19:48] Speaker D: And it's usually not going to result.
[00:19:50] Speaker C: In your partner wanting to have great sex with you. So on one end of trying to seduce women, you have this idea of pleasing placating, trying to do what she wants, things that will make her happy. Maybe I'll buy her flowers or take her shopping or say yes to all of her requests. Then on the other end of things that don't work, you've got begging for sex, asking for it, talking about it, asking her to tell you or show you, tugging on her shoulder, nagging her for it, almost behaving the way a.
[00:20:18] Speaker D: Child would when it wants something.
[00:20:20] Speaker A: Hey, we have a few minutes. Do you want to go do it? Hey, do you want to go have sex? Hey, do you want to go get nay it hey, do you want to? And all these different ways that I find that men ask for sex and neither of those two extremes, as you probably know, if you're listening to this.
[00:20:34] Speaker C: Are where it's at. A very simple litmus test you can give yourself is to try to imagine you're in a restaurant or a public gathering and you're watching someone use your move or do what you do to initiate sex. Would you view that as masculine, confident, assertive? Would you look at him and say, oh, that's a man right there. He knows how to handle his woman or finesse her, or love her, seduce her, play with her, devour her? Or would you say to yourself, oh yeah, that would never work. Or imagine doing what you do to someone new who you have never had sex with before.
[00:21:08] Speaker D: Would that work?
[00:21:09] Speaker C: And the same rules apply when you've.
[00:21:11] Speaker D: Been with someone for long periods of time.
Friends.
[00:21:15] Speaker C: The best way I can teach it to you is that you don't tell women, you don't ask women unless you don't know them. You show them. You do the sensual thing, or you be the assertive, confident guy. And again, this is all assuming that you have consent and she wants to have sex with you. Doesn't matter what level of the relationship you're in, right? You know that she wants to be pursued. This is not just someone off the street where you just help yourself without her permission. So you show her masculine energy and presence. You be the man who you want to be solid, strong, sometimes quiet, smooth directional, decisive, calm, assertive, forward moving. That makes you attractive and worthy of respect and desire from her. And that is what makes the sexuality piece naturally fall into place.
[00:22:07] Speaker D: And if you do all of this.
[00:22:09] Speaker C: It will tend to unfold naturally, where you won't have to try, and you won't have to search for a time.
[00:22:14] Speaker D: To make the move.
[00:22:16] Speaker C: What does it mean to bring your sexuality or your sexual energy or your masculinity or even to create sexual tension? What it does not mean is your simple desire to be inside of her or your need to kiss her. These are your needs that make you feel loved and safe.
[00:22:33] Speaker B: It's not your desire to have sex.
[00:22:36] Speaker C: That's a given for all men.
[00:22:37] Speaker D: In fact, all people, mostly.
[00:22:39] Speaker C: How do you pursue her and chase her and want her? How do you show her your lust? And I got to tell you, from having thousands of men interact with thousands of women, I have seen firsthand what men do. They sheepishly smile, they giggle, they get shy or embarrassed. They joke, they play, they tease. They go back and forth with their partner laughing. If I ask most men, how do you show your partner that you want her or you really desire her? Most men either have no idea how.
[00:23:11] Speaker D: To do this, or they do it.
[00:23:12] Speaker C: In a way that's very soft, very gentle, almost feminine and playful. Even big burly guys, even military guys, even law enforcement guys, almost all guys, when they look at their partner with lust and desire, supposedly it winds up.
[00:23:28] Speaker D: Reading as something very gentle and delicate.
[00:23:30] Speaker B: So there has to be a shift in your energy where your sexuality shines through, not your playfulness, not your joking.
[00:23:37] Speaker C: Side, not your boyish side, even though all those things might be beautiful and she might be very attracted to you for those things. But when it comes to sex, you've got to take it a little bit more seriously and show her your desire.
Let me say it again. Women want you to take sex seriously. Seriously does not mean squinted eyes, tight lips, breathing hard, and not making a sound. Seriously does not mean aggressively. It means that you show her that.
[00:24:04] Speaker D: You want to be doing this. And so when couples come in for.
[00:24:08] Speaker C: A session, we work on these things firsthand. And it's incredible what a man learns about who he is and how he interacts with his own partner, even if he's been with her for years and years.
[00:24:18] Speaker B: Even if there's a harsh realization of what's been missing, it almost instantly becomes.
[00:24:22] Speaker D: Apparent of what he needs to do.
[00:24:25] Speaker B: In sex, there's a bit of a double edged sword, and it looks something like this.
[00:24:29] Speaker C: Women are and will always be in control of sex, whether she lets you.
[00:24:33] Speaker B: In or not, whether she lets it.
[00:24:35] Speaker C: Happen or not, and whether she finds you attractive or not. And that could change day to day.
[00:24:39] Speaker D: There's no getting in without her permission and consent. On the other hand, when you're in.
[00:24:44] Speaker C: A committed relationship, and sometimes even when you're in a casual one, when you know that your partner's attracted to you and she wants to have sex, you have all the consent you need. It's a given. It's a shoe in. Maybe she said, yes, I want this.
[00:24:56] Speaker A: To happen, of course, but it's the.
[00:24:57] Speaker C: Way you go about it that doesn't.
[00:24:58] Speaker D: Do it for me.
[00:24:59] Speaker C: And I know it's a bit polarizing to say what I'm about to say, but listen, 98% of the women who come through my door are requesting this either of me to show their partner or of their partner. But it's very unlikely that a woman in relationship wants you regularly to ask for sex, beg for sex, suggest sex, or verbalize almost anything about sex in the bedroom.
[00:25:20] Speaker D: And during sex, they often don't want.
[00:25:23] Speaker B: You to ask her how you like.
[00:25:24] Speaker C: It, when you'd like it, what you might like in bed, if this feels good or not. Like once in a while, the occasional check in or question to make sure everything is okay is great. But even sometimes that can pull very sexual women out of their body and go right back into their heads where they don't want to be, or it.
[00:25:41] Speaker D: May ruin a moment. I know we live in a world.
[00:25:44] Speaker C: Now where some people really do enjoy having the 50 questions asked. Can I kiss you? Can I touch you? Is this okay? Can I put my hand here? Can I do this? I'm going to go down on you now. Is that okay? Would you like something different? Perfectly fine. If you like. That good to figure that out early on with your partner or new lover or whatever it is.
[00:26:00] Speaker A: But in long term relationships and almost.
[00:26:03] Speaker C: In any sexual dynamic where she wants to have sex with a man, the.
[00:26:07] Speaker D: Questions are usually not attractive.
[00:26:10] Speaker B: Does that mean you can never ask her questions?
[00:26:12] Speaker C: Absolutely not. Does that mean there's never a time.
[00:26:14] Speaker B: And a place when you can talk about sex together?
[00:26:16] Speaker C: Absolutely not.
[00:26:17] Speaker B: In fact, one of the best times.
[00:26:19] Speaker C: Is maybe on a date or just sharing a casual moment as you're strolling through the park, oh, by the way, do you like this sort of thing?
[00:26:25] Speaker B: And then you let it evolve into something.
[00:26:27] Speaker C: You get a few questions in here and there, and you learn about her, and then you. Share about yourself. It's very important to know these things. But while they're happening, do you like this? Do you want that? How's that? Does that feel good? Do you want me to change? It just becomes too much. And again, please ask your partner if she agrees with this or if she's a little bit different and she wants that constant and nonstop questioning and affirming. Or does she want to lay back, relax, and have an experience with her man who knows what to do with her body? It's not easy for women to teach. They don't want to coach you. It doesn't make them feel sexy. It doesn't make them feel feminine. It makes them feel a little more mothering or like a teacher, sadly, makes.
[00:27:09] Speaker B: You look a little more feminine and not masculine.
[00:27:11] Speaker C: Unfortunately, if she has to show you how to do everything, she's not having an experience. She is in her head and showing.
[00:27:18] Speaker D: And teaching it's more procedural.
[00:27:20] Speaker C: And even though myself, I personally agree that a little bit of coaching would be very useful for most men in the bedroom from their partners, you generally can't get it from them. And so that's why when we do it in an office setting where we can make it a little more playful and fun, suddenly all the desires and options come out. Sometimes a woman, after being married to.
[00:27:39] Speaker D: Someone for 10, 15, 20 years, the.
[00:27:41] Speaker C: Man had no idea his wife wanted these things or behaved in this way, or was so excitable or so horny. And in a moment, it all comes out and it redefines the nature of the relationship.
[00:27:52] Speaker B: And if you ever want to verify this, there's absolutely nothing wrong with stopping the podcast, having your partner listen to.
[00:27:58] Speaker C: An excerpt, running this by her, listening to the episode together and having a conversation, that's another awesome way is, hey, I was listening to this thing.
[00:28:06] Speaker B: Let me know if you're like this.
[00:28:07] Speaker C: Or what do you think about this content? Have her tune in and have her way in. You'll get to know her so much better.
A lot of men come in my office and ask, why can't my partner initiate? Why do I have to do all the work? She used to initiate, but she doesn't anymore?
[00:28:22] Speaker D: Why won't she? I thought we were all equals.
[00:28:25] Speaker C: Now people will say, I thought things were moving more towards equality. Why do I have to do 98% of the initiating? Why can't she just tell me when it's okay so I don't have to be rejected? Rejection is not just harsh for her.
[00:28:36] Speaker D: It's also harsh for me.
[00:28:38] Speaker C: These are really, actually great questions. And if we truly did live in a world of equality, that would be the case.
[00:28:44] Speaker A: She would be responsible for initiating sex 50% of the time, telling you when she was horny, letting you know and making herself available.
[00:28:54] Speaker D: However, a fun way to put it.
[00:28:56] Speaker A: Is that there's a secret little universe.
[00:28:58] Speaker D: That most women live in that goes.
[00:29:00] Speaker A: Something like this if I have to tell you I don't want it. If I have to show you I'm turned off or repulsed, if I have.
[00:29:08] Speaker C: To explain to you how to seduce.
[00:29:10] Speaker A: Me, I'm not interested or I'm not.
[00:29:11] Speaker D: Nearly as horny and by the way.
[00:29:13] Speaker B: I may not even know how to tell you or explain it to you.
So what it comes down to is.
[00:29:19] Speaker D: You have to initiate with her.
[00:29:21] Speaker A: You have to seduce her. It doesn't matter terribly how you language it.
[00:29:27] Speaker C: But another way of saying it is that women cannot handle sexual rejection, not even a little, and not in the.
[00:29:33] Speaker D: Way that we have to endure it.
[00:29:35] Speaker A: Now you're talking to someone or you're listening to someone who has not only dated but been with and slept with.
[00:29:41] Speaker C: Many well, some women who are very sexual are in touch with their sexuality, can and will and love to initiate sex.
[00:29:51] Speaker A: Do start things off, do make it obvious when they're horny and let you know. So I'm not saying it's impossible, but.
[00:29:57] Speaker C: What I am saying is if you're in a long term relationship and the sexuality part of it is missing and she always has to be the one to initiate if she wants sex. And there are again many exceptions to the rules here, but it's very unlikely that she is going to be the.
[00:30:11] Speaker D: One to initiate over the long term.
[00:30:15] Speaker C: A couple brief examples because you're probably curious about when women do or will initiate sex.
[00:30:21] Speaker B: Sometimes it comes from women who have.
[00:30:23] Speaker C: To be in control. It has to come from them.
[00:30:26] Speaker D: They need to know when it happens.
[00:30:28] Speaker C: Sometimes this can be a result of.
[00:30:30] Speaker D: Sexual abuse, sometimes not.
[00:30:32] Speaker C: But needing to make the choice herself.
[00:30:34] Speaker D: Or when she wants it.
[00:30:36] Speaker C: Or sometimes the man is so overbearing and so horny all the time and wants it nonstop that she just shuts it all down. It all feels like too much pressure, it feels too tense. And so she has to be the one to decide when it's going to happen. Sometimes she doesn't see her man that way or doesn't like his advances or the way he becomes sexual isn't appealing to her. So she wants to set herself up in a certain way to be ready for sex.
[00:30:59] Speaker B: Sometimes sex may only need to happen on her terms.
[00:31:01] Speaker A: In other words, she wants to be.
[00:31:03] Speaker C: Showered and ready and prepared and shave her legs and all this stuff. And unless that's happening, maybe she's not.
[00:31:08] Speaker D: Going to be sexual. A lot of that, as you can.
[00:31:10] Speaker C: See, has to do with control. Then on the other side of the spectrum, and this is generally in new relationships or new interactions or new sexual encounters, if a random woman views a random man as being dangerous or sexually desirable or very, very attractive, or having status or wealth. Something sort of supersedes all of her previous choices. And she may go further with that person and make the move, or offer compliments or stand around near him, or be close to him or make herself, as we've spoken about, available.
[00:31:44] Speaker B: So then, when is the right time.
[00:31:46] Speaker C: To initiate with your wife or girlfriend? When is the right time to have sex? What is this whole timing thing that we were talking about earlier? And my answer to that is it's almost always the right time to have sex.
[00:31:57] Speaker D: Almost always.
[00:31:58] Speaker C: Unless you're stressed, frustrated, angry, pissed off, in a rush on your period with the kids, obviously. Or if the kids are close by, or if the kids just went to bed, or if the kids have a room right next to yours. Or your wife just finished being with.
[00:32:12] Speaker D: The children all day. But also dealing with tragedy, being in.
[00:32:16] Speaker B: The middle of a crisis.
[00:32:17] Speaker C: Although even then, sometimes a girl needs.
[00:32:19] Speaker D: To clear her head.
[00:32:20] Speaker C: It is almost always a good time. I know some of you live very busy lives. You have five dogs and two cats and you're remodeling a house and you have family staying with you from out of state or out of the country. I know it could just get really crazy, but that's a priorities issue. That's something easy to solve. Usually when a woman is go go or she's a powerhouse or an incredible.
[00:32:40] Speaker B: Earner or super highly respected in her.
[00:32:42] Speaker C: Field, she works her own job and she takes care of the kids and she's managing several projects. She is in her head all day long making choices and decisions. Something that a lot of women report don't find very natural or easy or.
[00:32:55] Speaker D: Even enjoyable to do, or they'd rather.
[00:32:57] Speaker C: Not, or they'd rather have someone take care of a lot of things for.
[00:32:59] Speaker D: Them even if they're in very powerful positions.
[00:33:02] Speaker C: So when you bring to their attention, oh yeah, I'm a woman, I want to feel sensual, sexual, feminine. I can have a sexual experience. I don't just have to work my butt off or take care of these kids. It really helps women transition from wearing the hat of mom or the hat of provider even, or the hat of taking care of business. It helps them transition into something that's.
[00:33:30] Speaker D: Much more feminine and soft and relaxed and men.
[00:33:34] Speaker C: You can ask yourselves, what kind of woman do you prefer? Domineering, controlling, telling you what to do, treating you like she's your mother, complaining, commanding, high stress all over the place. She's here, she's there. Or do you want someone who's relaxed and sensual and in her body and juicy and ready to just melt?
Okay.
[00:33:56] Speaker B: So while there are certainly moments when.
[00:33:58] Speaker C: The timing isn't right, for the most part, if you create what I often refer to as an atmosphere of sensuality or an atmosphere of sexuality, sex is.
[00:34:08] Speaker A: Always just around the corner.
[00:34:10] Speaker C: Women are sexual beings. It's percolating within her. Look at her. Look at her body and her face and her lips and her breasts and her ass and her thighs and every part of her that's just screaming to you, yes.
[00:34:21] Speaker A: It's like seething underneath, it's bubbling up inside of everyone all of the time.
[00:34:27] Speaker C: So it's why I say men. It's so important for you to understand how to unlock that, because it's either active or it isn't. And most of the day women go through often repressing or pushing down their sexuality or pushing away attention from other men, or they're getting attention from other men, or they're even enjoying it, but they don't get to act out fully with it. When you're in a long term committed relationship or you have a partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, that's the time and place where she gets to put the hard, cold world to the side and open up and have an incredible experience. And I believe that she wants you, if she's chosen you as her partner.
[00:35:04] Speaker A: To unlock that or open that or enjoy that with her.
[00:35:08] Speaker C: It's far more likely that you will.
[00:35:11] Speaker A: Have success continuously initiating in the right way with your woman than waiting around for her to initiate with you, or for her to be ready for sex, or for her to be more fertile or more ripe certain times of the month or certain times of her period. And then she comes around and finds you. You're not trying to wait around for scraps of sexuality. Women dream about want crave and yearn for their man to take them to oftentimes have their way with them in, I keep saying the right way. The right way means a way that.
[00:35:48] Speaker C: She desires and that she's receiving pleasure from. If a man just starts having sex with his partner the way he wants to and he just has an orgasm and he does this repeatedly, having his own way, finishing in two to three.
[00:36:00] Speaker A: Minutes, you're not going to have a very successful sexual relationship that's using a woman for your pleasure. I want her, so I took her.
[00:36:08] Speaker C: And I had her, and the hell.
[00:36:09] Speaker D: With whatever she wants.
[00:36:11] Speaker A: Other men get stuck in trying to make her feel good, but they can't last very long. So they eat her out for a while, or they put a toy between her thighs and let it buzz until she comes, and then they get theirs by having sex with her for two to three minutes. And that also makes women feel used.
[00:36:26] Speaker C: But really taking your partner and having your way with her, which I know.
[00:36:31] Speaker B: Initially sounds like it would be something.
[00:36:32] Speaker C: Inappropriate or undesirable, but on this podcast, we're never talking about doing something to a woman against her will.
[00:36:39] Speaker B: Obviously, it's essential that when you're taking.
[00:36:41] Speaker C: Her, quote unquote, that it's always in the back of your mind that you're never going to harm her, you're never.
[00:36:48] Speaker B: Going to hurt her. You have her best interest in mind.
[00:36:52] Speaker C: Now, she may like it rough, she.
[00:36:54] Speaker B: May want you to be aggressive. She may even want you to push.
[00:36:56] Speaker C: Past her own boundaries, which is a conversation you have to have with her. But you're not going to do violence, you're not going to take advantage.
[00:37:02] Speaker B: What you are going to do, however.
[00:37:04] Speaker A: Is fuck her and love her in a way that she needs to be loved deeply, passionately, where she feels your.
[00:37:13] Speaker C: Desire for her in a way that makes her gush.
[00:37:16] Speaker A: What's masculine, your desire for her. What's masculine, your needing to have her but showing restraint until you can't take it anymore.
[00:37:25] Speaker C: What's hot, passionate and masculine.
[00:37:27] Speaker D: You seeing what you want, locking into.
[00:37:30] Speaker A: Her eyes, going in and taking it.
[00:37:33] Speaker D: With her full consent and permission while.
[00:37:36] Speaker C: She opens to you and for you.
[00:37:39] Speaker A: And the most fascinating thing is, friends, is that when you behave this way with your partner and she recognizes it.
[00:37:45] Speaker D: And welcomes it, she becomes more submissive, softer.
[00:37:51] Speaker A: She's not trying to rant and rave or make decisions or be neurotic or freak out or be mean or cruel or bitchy or any of the number.
[00:37:58] Speaker D: Of fussy epithets that we hoist upon them.
[00:38:02] Speaker B: When you act sexual in a masculine way towards your woman, again, she opens, she softens and she becomes more feminine. She doesn't want to fight, she doesn't reject you.
[00:38:11] Speaker D: She wants you to take her and.
[00:38:14] Speaker A: Have the language for this is imperfect. What I want to say, what so many women say, is have his way with me or be dominant or just take me. Because in the same way that men don't want dominant, aggressive, masculine women telling us what to do and how to do it and what position we should.
[00:38:33] Speaker D: Lay in and be in and treat.
[00:38:35] Speaker A: Us like a little child or mother us. And we want her to be soft and feminine and receptive and open.
[00:38:42] Speaker B: That's the exact same way that women.
[00:38:44] Speaker C: Do not want us to be indecisive, feminine, girly, unsure, uncertain, insecure, not knowing.
[00:38:53] Speaker A: In our heads, unstable, can't find our footing. Not sure if it's okay to touch.
[00:38:58] Speaker C: Her or not too careful with our touch even.
[00:39:00] Speaker B: It tends to make women cringe when.
[00:39:02] Speaker C: You behave like them around them.
[00:39:05] Speaker B: In the same way it would likely.
[00:39:07] Speaker C: Be not sexually attractive to most men for a girl to wear a triple XL sweatshirt and baggy sweatpants and Timberland boots and her hat turned to the side and like wiping her nose with her thumb and spitting and chewing tobacco like that would be repulsive to most men.
[00:39:23] Speaker D: Yes.
[00:39:25] Speaker B: Another way to look at it is when you come for a session, we.
[00:39:28] Speaker C: Take all of the bad boy elements that women crave, that women desire, the.
[00:39:32] Speaker B: Things that get them wet and excited, things that women love about men they've had sex with in the past or even things they've done with you in the past or things they've always been fantasizing about. Even the things that have made her think nonstop about a sexual experience for.
[00:39:44] Speaker C: Months or even years after it happened.
[00:39:46] Speaker B: And I teach that to the good guys or to the good men who they married. I teach it in a way that.
[00:39:51] Speaker D: Allows them to access that primal, passionate.
[00:39:55] Speaker A: Deeply rooted masculine essence inside of them.
[00:39:59] Speaker B: While I do believe that almost all men have some of this inside them, some men are just never going to.
[00:40:06] Speaker C: Let that side out of them or.
[00:40:08] Speaker B: They'Re not going to tap into it.
[00:40:10] Speaker C: They're just going to go a different.
[00:40:11] Speaker B: Path in the same way that not all women want to be supersexual all.
[00:40:14] Speaker C: The time and some women are a lot less sexual and they don't want.
[00:40:18] Speaker B: To be in their feminine and in their divine power and always being primal, right the same way. Men are like that as well. So whether you're a man who wants to find out for himself or a woman who wants to find out the degree that her partner can be that way with her, doing a session is a phenomenal and safe and gentle and easy way to find out if, as a man, you've got that energy inside of you or if you want to bring it out. Or how to bring it out if you're ready to. A lot of couples, especially with heavily mismatched sex drives, find this very, very.
[00:40:51] Speaker A: Useful and very insightful.
[00:40:54] Speaker B: Some men have gotten so far along in life that they don't really want to change or they feel like they're incapable of changing. They like who they are and that's that some men view their sexuality in a negative way. They don't want to be a certain way, they don't want to have to become something else. A lot of men have judgment around their sexuality and they feel like they shouldn't be that way or that's a type of thing that they should keep close to the chest or never let come out. And instead they should be nice and chivalrous and this sort of white knight.
[00:41:24] Speaker A: Complex where you have to do, as.
[00:41:26] Speaker C: We'Ve spoken about before, high levels of.
[00:41:28] Speaker B: Emotional and financial investment, big grandiose gestures.
[00:41:32] Speaker A: And it's all about opening doors and standing up when she walks in the room and giving your wife whatever she wants and being really deferential and submissive to your partner.
[00:41:44] Speaker B: If you recognize some of these patterns.
[00:41:46] Speaker A: In yourself, you've probably noticed that she's not having sex with you. And if she is, she's tolerating it or dealing with it or doing it in a way that she's there but she's not there or she's checking out mentally and most likely her body is shutting down because of it.
[00:42:03] Speaker D: This is very strong language.
[00:42:04] Speaker A: Can you imagine that? Treating a woman wonderfully and sweetly and chivalrously, caring for her every need and.
[00:42:11] Speaker B: Trying to make her happy, being there for her, listening to her, investing in.
[00:42:15] Speaker A: Her can sometimes wind up in her.
[00:42:18] Speaker D: Resenting you and never wanting to have sex with you.
[00:42:22] Speaker B: Now, it doesn't mean that you're supposed to be disrespectful or rude or mean or condescending.
[00:42:28] Speaker C: But there's an energy about knowing what.
[00:42:32] Speaker B: You want and going after it with.
[00:42:34] Speaker A: Confidence that so many women are yearning for. These words that I'm speaking, this energy, this vibe that I have in these podcasts, it doesn't come from me speaking to other men about this. It doesn't come from me hypothesizing and speculating.
[00:42:50] Speaker C: Well, this is what I would want a woman to think. And so let me just share that here.
[00:42:55] Speaker B: It comes from the thousands of women who've been through my door who have told me behind closed doors that this is what they want.
[00:43:01] Speaker D: In relationship, certainly it's rare, but sometimes.
[00:43:04] Speaker B: I'll do sessions where the man is overly dominant or hyper aggressive or is always making moves and it's really off putting to the woman. In which case I teach him how.
[00:43:11] Speaker C: To do the opposite of everything we've been talking about.
[00:43:14] Speaker D: But it just doesn't come to pass all that often.
But there is something that most men.
[00:43:19] Speaker A: Have in common and that is that a lot of men want sex right.
[00:43:23] Speaker C: Now, instantaneously and they want to go.
[00:43:25] Speaker D: Right to putting it in. And so herein lies the confusion about.
[00:43:30] Speaker A: Well, what is an appropriate buildup? What is it that she wants? If I'm supposed to take her but she doesn't want to go for sex right away, but she doesn't want to teach me, but I'm just supposed to know. But if I get it wrong and I do it in the right way and then she rejects me, what if.
[00:43:43] Speaker B: I take too long? What if she loses the moment? What if I spend too much time in foreplay?
[00:43:48] Speaker C: What is the right kind of buildup? When clients come in, I show them right before their eyes, specifically, that it.
[00:43:55] Speaker B: Doesn'T take an hour, it doesn't take 30 minutes, doesn't even take 15 minutes.
[00:44:00] Speaker C: To build your partner up, to excite her, to turn her on, to get her ready.
[00:44:05] Speaker D: It can actually take 60 seconds.
[00:44:08] Speaker A: It can take a few minutes. It can take five minutes to get.
[00:44:11] Speaker B: Her receptive aroused, turned on, to blush and get excited. It doesn't take much to make her chest flush pink, to make her pupils dilate and make her give you that look where her eyes flicker. You know, it's incredible. Sometimes men will come in and they are talking constantly about being nice to her, being sweet to her, doing whatever.
[00:44:32] Speaker D: She wants to make her happy. And the woman sits there passively nodding.
[00:44:36] Speaker A: And listening or nodding off. And then in the moment that the conversation switches to again, it doesn't have.
[00:44:42] Speaker B: To be extreme like this, but something sensual or sexual. Pressing her up against the wall or bending her over the sofa or having her clothes taken off or exchanging an intense glance from across the room and.
[00:44:55] Speaker A: Moving in towards your wife and opening her legs and telling her what to do.
[00:44:59] Speaker B: Or having you command her in a confident and assertive way that she loves or putting her in a position that she likes. Suddenly, her eyes begin to sparkle. She wakes up, she's alert, it's fun.
[00:45:10] Speaker C: It'S playful, it's engaging, it's interesting. It's what she's yearning for and what she wants.
[00:45:15] Speaker B: All you have to do is pay attention to her. Her body language, her eye contact, the way she moves. Is she bored or falling asleep, or tolerating you or being there just because she has to? Or is she involved and engaged with you in an intimate or hot or sexual manner? And you can always tell exactly how you're doing with a move that you're making or something that you said to her or trying to get something going by the energy that you give her.
[00:45:39] Speaker A: No woman wants the same vanilla sex.
[00:45:42] Speaker C: Over and over and over again, even.
[00:45:44] Speaker A: If she identifies and I'm not a big fan of this vanilla phrase either, but even if she identifies as vanilla or plain or basic or ordinary or just wants regular good sex. In the same way no one wants to eat the same bowl of oatmeal.
[00:45:56] Speaker B: Or even bowl of cherries three times a day, every single day, for the rest of her life. No woman wants to have the same.
[00:46:04] Speaker C: Exact kind of sex over and over and over again, even if it's amazing. Let's say you give her the perfect session one night and she comes ten times and she's all over you, and it's wonderful. If you try to repeat that, over time, that too will become boring and.
[00:46:18] Speaker D: Ordinary, doing what works in a simplistic.
[00:46:23] Speaker A: Let's get to the point. Let's just get her there. I gave her hers, now let's get mine is never going to work long term. It'll work for months. Women will even tolerate it for a few years.
[00:46:34] Speaker B: But it's not a long term solution.
[00:46:36] Speaker D: For excitement and seduction.
[00:46:38] Speaker B: In one sense, women actually do get aroused and turned on in the same.
[00:46:42] Speaker C: Way that we do.
[00:46:43] Speaker B: When we see that she's turned on.
[00:46:45] Speaker C: For us, that she likes what she's.
[00:46:46] Speaker B: Doing, that we're getting positive feedback for it. We get aroused in the same way.
[00:46:51] Speaker C: That men love to pleasure woman. We'd love to see the way her breasts move and her eyes and her gaze and her moans and all of these things.
[00:46:58] Speaker B: Women, too, want to see the same.
[00:46:59] Speaker C: Thing in us, in our masculine way. And so many men are so just this is just an exchange. It's transactional. It's just for pleasure. I just need to come. I just need to get off. That's how a lot of people view sex, is just let's get it in and get it over with.
[00:47:12] Speaker D: That's awful.
[00:47:13] Speaker C: So when your female partner feels your passion, your desire that you're turned on and you say something about it or express it or show it to her, she too will get even more excited. If you can show her your hunger, that you have to have her. We need to fuck her right now.
[00:47:30] Speaker A: Or else we're just going to lose it when they feel that from us. This creates excitement, desire and submissiveness in.
[00:47:37] Speaker D: Women for many reasons.
[00:47:40] Speaker B: During this particular time in the world.
[00:47:43] Speaker C: Men'S sexuality is and has been repressed under scrutiny. We're not supposed to show it. It feels like we're not supposed to show almost any emotion outside of what patience, calmness and not bothering anybody. Oftentimes our sexuality is spoken ill of.
[00:48:00] Speaker A: Why can't you keep it in your pants? Why can't you control yourself? Why do you need it all the time? Why do you need this release?
[00:48:07] Speaker B: Meanwhile, some women are having orgasms five.
[00:48:09] Speaker C: To 15 times a day on their own.
[00:48:12] Speaker D: There's a lot of flak that men.
[00:48:14] Speaker A: Have gotten over the years for wanting sex.
[00:48:17] Speaker D: And there's a difference to me between wanting sex, needing to have sex and to have an orgasm and being sexual with your partner. Sexually aware, sexually playful, in touch with.
[00:48:32] Speaker A: Your sexuality, in your body. Anybody and everybody and anything on the planet can want sex and then have sex.
[00:48:41] Speaker C: In our case, by thrusting in and out.
[00:48:44] Speaker D: Everyone can do this.
[00:48:45] Speaker C: We all know how it works. But that's a completely different thing than living and breathing your sexuality.
Understanding on a profound level that almost any woman has choices. She can just leave and find someone else to have sex with. Not necessarily to have an incredible relationship with, not necessarily to make a family.
[00:49:04] Speaker D: With or have a life with.
[00:49:05] Speaker C: But the sexual piece is something that.
[00:49:07] Speaker D: She could find anywhere and in almost any quantity.
[00:49:10] Speaker C: If she's choosing to spend her time or her life with you, it is imperative that you learn how to create.
[00:49:18] Speaker A: And build and maintain sexual tension.
[00:49:23] Speaker B: In session. We'll spend an enormous amount of time talking about learning about, building and creating sexual tension. So let's review again what it is and talk about it for a few.
[00:49:32] Speaker C: Minutes before we wind down.
[00:49:34] Speaker B: Sexual tension is something that makes women.
[00:49:37] Speaker C: Thrive and writhe and jive and get excited and get wet and get turned on and want to fuck and want to enjoy and want to play. Sexual tension is what allows her to explore her sexuality.
[00:49:52] Speaker B: It allows her to really go there in a way that maybe you haven't seen in her before or you used.
[00:49:56] Speaker D: To see in her when you first started dating.
[00:49:59] Speaker C: It allows her to express herself sexually.
[00:50:01] Speaker B: In a way that is like all out.
[00:50:05] Speaker C: In men, however, sexual tension is to be avoided.
[00:50:10] Speaker D: It's often nonexistent. It's not understood.
[00:50:13] Speaker B: It is something that men seek to get rid of and eliminate as quickly.
[00:50:17] Speaker C: As possible because it feels uncomfortable.
[00:50:21] Speaker D: It's something that men think, why would.
[00:50:23] Speaker C: I want to feel this frustration? Is this going to give me blue balls?
[00:50:26] Speaker B: Where is this going?
[00:50:27] Speaker C: What's the point? Why am I doing this?
How do I get out of this.
[00:50:32] Speaker D: Sensation as quick as possible? I don't want to feel discomfort like this.
[00:50:36] Speaker C: So how can I be more silly.
[00:50:39] Speaker D: Girly, playful, shy, boyish safe, or crack jokes?
[00:50:47] Speaker B: Oh, I was just kidding. Oh, no, I wasn't trying to start something. I'm just playing. How can I feel anything other than sexual tension? Men often ask unconsciously, and I think that's because men categorize it as a form of frustration or discomfort or catching a case of the proverbial blue balls. But this really isn't the case. So what is it really?
[00:51:06] Speaker C: What is this all important phrase? Think of sexual tension as a balloon that's inflating between you and your partner, who are standing about a foot 2ft away from each other. The more it inflates, the more tightly stretched it becomes.
[00:51:21] Speaker D: The hotter and better it is, the.
[00:51:24] Speaker C: More tension there is. And you're trying to increase the tension in that balloon more supple and firm and again stretched out as much as.
[00:51:34] Speaker D: It possibly can without popping it.
Don't pop it.
[00:51:41] Speaker B: You're not trying to put a pin in it. Get it over with. Get naked and get it in as quickly as possible. And I know there are reasons that men do this, including difficulty staying hard or just being really turned on, or frankly, oftentimes just being selfish and not interested in how their female partner feels. The point is not to make it explode immediately so that you can get.
[00:52:01] Speaker D: Sex and have an orgasm.
[00:52:04] Speaker B: You're trying to what are some different ways of saying it?
[00:52:07] Speaker C: Let this pot simmer right before a rapid boil. Let some energy build up. Let desire increase. You might think of it as sexual.
[00:52:17] Speaker D: Angst, slight sexual discomfort, curiosity.
[00:52:22] Speaker C: Maybe there's some punishment involved or withholding.
[00:52:25] Speaker A: Or not allowing her to have exactly what she wants.
[00:52:28] Speaker C: Excitement, passion.
[00:52:30] Speaker B: You want all of that to expand.
[00:52:32] Speaker C: And expand and build because that's what.
[00:52:35] Speaker B: Feels best to her. That's what's going to get her turned on. That's what's going to give you the.
[00:52:39] Speaker C: Keys to the kingdom so that you both have a great experience.
Have you ever had really great sex with a woman? Meaning that's what she thought about the sex?
[00:52:47] Speaker B: When that happens, do you have the sense that the only pleasure she's experiencing is just localized between her legs? When she has phenomenal sex with you, is she just quiet and just looking.
[00:52:56] Speaker C: And you're moving inside of her, but nothing much is happening? No. She's moving and squirming and moaning and.
[00:53:03] Speaker B: Feeling it everywhere and clenching sheets and.
[00:53:05] Speaker C: Head rolling back and making noises and coming hard and soaking the sheets and writhing around.
All of this stuff is happening. That is the result of some really.
[00:53:16] Speaker D: Good sexual tension and really good sex.
[00:53:19] Speaker C: Just watch sometime.
[00:53:21] Speaker B: Does the sexual energy circulate through her fingertips? Can you see it in her eyes and on her skin?
[00:53:26] Speaker A: And the way she poses herself?
[00:53:28] Speaker D: Does it make.
[00:53:29] Speaker A: Her toes curl?
[00:53:29] Speaker C: Is her chest flush pink? Does she thrash about or melt deeply.
[00:53:34] Speaker D: Into the experience and feel it everywhere?
[00:53:36] Speaker C: Whereas men experience sex how?
[00:53:40] Speaker B: Genital stimulation, groin focused. It's almost like we cannot seem to get past the feeling between our thighs.
[00:53:47] Speaker D: It's just there.
[00:53:48] Speaker C: And often men get overwhelmed by that. Too much concentrated feeling in one area, spill over too easily in two to.
[00:53:54] Speaker D: Three minutes, and it's done. And that's why to be a good.
[00:53:59] Speaker C: Lover, it is essential to learn how to have control.
Not being controlling, but control over your arousal, your excitement, your ability to restrain yourself or to indulge and enjoy and control, even over letting go. Control over your sexual desire. For her, that's also building sexual tension. Even while having sex, you can be building sexual tension even while you're inside of her. The fact that you're not coming and.
[00:54:26] Speaker A: You'Re not finishing quickly is building and building and building.
[00:54:32] Speaker D: I'll take that a step further. Her having an orgasm once is a buildup and resolution of some sexual tension. But building her up again for another.
[00:54:43] Speaker B: Spill, another splash, yet another come, that's.
[00:54:46] Speaker D: A version of creating sexual tension.
[00:54:49] Speaker B: Building her up and up and up.
[00:54:52] Speaker C: And then pulling back before she comes.
[00:54:54] Speaker D: Is creating sexual tension.
[00:54:57] Speaker B: Not having sex at all and not having any of your actions and gestures result in her having to take her panties off is sexual tension. Multiple visits during the day for kisses, touches, presses, massages, eye contact, connection, neck biting plants, a seed that arouses her.
[00:55:16] Speaker C: And excites her, that's sexual tension.
[00:55:20] Speaker B: So as men, this is something that you want to be comfortable with, friendly with.
[00:55:24] Speaker C: You want to have this in your wheelhouse. You don't want to be scared of.
[00:55:27] Speaker D: It, afraid of it, not know what to do with it. You don't want to shut it down.
[00:55:32] Speaker C: You don't want to steamroll it. And you certainly don't want to miss.
[00:55:35] Speaker D: The opportunity to notice it.
[00:55:39] Speaker C: So if you're thinking that you have to build her up for hours and hours, the answer is no.
[00:55:44] Speaker B: But if you've been in a long term relationship for years and years and.
[00:55:47] Speaker D: Maybe you have children, maybe you don't.
[00:55:49] Speaker C: Sending her some sexy texts during the day that speak to her, love language, not super crass, crazy, nasty shit that most women don't like.
[00:55:57] Speaker B: Maybe you give her some juicy kisses before you or she goes to work.
[00:56:01] Speaker C: You ruffle up her feathers a little bit by kissing her on her neck or pressing up against her from behind.
[00:56:06] Speaker B: In the shower or bathing her in.
[00:56:08] Speaker C: A way that's super provocative.
[00:56:10] Speaker B: That's a way to build things up. And that's something that you can do all throughout the day. It doesn't have to be twenty four.
[00:56:15] Speaker C: Seven, but we're talking about moments of.
[00:56:19] Speaker B: Prepping her, getting her mind around it.
[00:56:21] Speaker C: Getting her warmed up and ready to.
[00:56:23] Speaker D: Want to be with you. How easy can this be?
[00:56:26] Speaker C: You can walk over to your partner right now, if she's not doing something that is extremely important or in a major rush, maybe she's on the couch or scrolling Instagram or furviously on her phone, or just petting an animal.
[00:56:39] Speaker B: Maybe she's just playing with her hair.
[00:56:40] Speaker C: Doing her hair, sitting outside, lying in the sun, going for a walk, whatever. And you come up to her with a certain kind of intention and energy, and you start to build it with her, not pushing your will upon her, but also showing her that you do.
[00:56:53] Speaker B: Desire her and want her.
[00:56:55] Speaker A: You can make something happen really, really quickly.
[00:56:58] Speaker C: So sexual tension is an essential element to yours and your partner's sexuality. It's what I predominantly spend time on.
[00:57:06] Speaker B: In sessions with couples, because no one.
[00:57:08] Speaker D: Ever teaches us this stuff.
[00:57:10] Speaker C: Frankly, most of it seems very innate to women, and as men, we are oftentimes clueless to it.
[00:57:17] Speaker B: But what I want both men and women to hear is that you can change this quality about yourself. It may not be able to jump from zero to 100, but you can make a marked improvement, a major step in the way that you interact with.
[00:57:32] Speaker C: Your partner, in the way that you.
[00:57:33] Speaker B: Look at her, talk to her, touch her. And my sincere hope is that all of these episodes help you get a taste of how to tune into that. Because when you see in her eyes the difference of how she's been looking at you versus how she can look at you, how she wants to look.
[00:57:48] Speaker C: At you, you'll never want to go back to your old way of doing things.
[00:57:55] Speaker B: So thank you for building some sexual tension with me today. It's been a pleasure to talk to you. My name is Tari. You're listening to the Closeness podcast. And finally, I know we've been talking about very specific types of sexuality here, very specific sexual acts. And it's important to remember that for many relationships, sex isn't always on the table. Sometimes a history of past resentments, a.
[00:58:17] Speaker D: History of abuse, history of arguments or.
[00:58:20] Speaker B: Betrayal, and any number of other things contribute to relationships. Being on the rocks, you can't just simply all the time jump into the sexual aspect of it and expect to find instant healing or instant results. So know that if you do decide to book a session with me, there may be some other things to work.
[00:58:37] Speaker C: Through first before diving right into all this juicy stuff.
[00:58:40] Speaker B: If you'd like to fly in to sunny San Diego to do a session with your partner or buy your yourself.
[00:58:45] Speaker D: Or if you're local to the area.
[00:58:47] Speaker B: Fill out an intake form on my website, cravecloseness.com intake. Even just the act of filling it out a lot of people find extremely helpful. Thanks for listening, and I'll see you in the next episode.
