Can men and women actually be friends?

[00:00:00] Hi. Welcome back to another edition of Closeness. My name is Tari, and today we are exploring the age old question, can men and women be friends? And of course, the answer is absolutely not. [00:00:12] Most of the time. Now, there are quite a number of ways in which we can explore this, but as a general rule, if you are sexually active with your friend, or have been in the past and or sexually attracted to some of your friends, that it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to maintain an exclusive form of friendship that doesn't involve secondary gain. Doing favors with the hope that something might work out, feeling that maybe one day, if you make the right move or say the right thing, or she or he breaks up with their partner, that something could happen, and so on and so forth. We're going to go into all of this, and we're also going to be looking at making a case that more often than not, women believe that they have really great male friends who, in fact, are just suitors in disguise, or a wolf in sheep's clothing, or who would chomp at the bit, jump at the opportunity to be intimate or sexually active with them. But because they've been demoted to the tepid position of friend or friend zone, as it were, they keep things cool with the hopes that maybe one day something might happen. My personal, off the cuff definition of friendship is a relationship between two people that is not sexual and not going to become sexual, though may have been sexual in the past, but both parties no longer carry that sexual charge, that heat, that passion, that desire, that urgency to want to connect or involve yourself with someone. In that way, there are boundaries, and there is a mutual reciprocity of wanting to help and do things for another that doesn't overstep your own personal limits. So often we make sacrifices that are to our detriment in a healthy friendship. In a friendship, however, it is possible, certainly, to be intimate, friendly, close, have great eye contact, have great general friendship chemistry, and this could be same sex, different sex with anyone. And it's also not mutually exclusive. So if she is super close to me, she can also be super close to someone else. And if I'm super close to her, I can also be super close to someone else, because there's no sexual intimacy, which is where often people draw the line about what's appropriate and what's not. This is the ubiquitous friendship model, as it were. We all, for the most part, agree that we can be friends with whomever we please and continue to talk to and spend time with and be with other friends without there being a concern to spend time together. Secret side note, in a utopian world, it would be amazing to be able to do that with sexuality and sexual chemistry. But everything seems to change when we add that mixture. Also included in my definition is that neither of us, myself or my friend are constantly running around trying to do things to accommodate or impress or prove or demonstrate higher value or show off for one another, because there's no need for that. We might help each other with something because we're friends. We might be supportive of one another, we might come out to see the other's show or watch them perform or give them a gift once in a while. But what we are not doing is looking for reasons and ways to impress them. But the courting gestures, the acts of let me buy you this drink, let me take you to dinner, let me do these favors for you, let me pick up these concert tickets for us, let it be my treat all the time. Let me be very, very accommodating and sacrifice myself so that we can do things that might make you feel better or like me more. And generosity will always be a tricky one, very difficult to decipher, someone who's just truly, inauthentically generous versus someone who wants something in return. And what they want in return could just be appreciation and admiration, or it could be something more intimate. In essence, these things are often absent from a really, really good friendship. They might come in waves. You might connect for 2 hours straight with a friend from a different country and then not talk to them for months. And within those 2 hours, it might be really, really intense and really good. And then it kind of falls away a little bit. But you always stay friends. [00:04:33] Alas, there are exceptions to every rule. I myself am someone who has treated friends to dinner and treated friends to special things and done things just because and out of the kindness of my heart. So I understand that you can't always know exactly what's going on just because someone actually is offering something generous or is being kind. I believe in kindness. I'm a big advocate of kindness. And the third component, in my opinion, to being good friends is that you don't lose each other or lose the ability to connect or lose your chemistry or emotional connection simply because you haven't spoken to one another or seen each other in a long time, or because one of you is talking to someone else or spending time with another person. Barring extremely toxic events, you tend to remain close and supportive of one another. And that would be my definition of a clean friendship. Including someone who you've had sex with in the past, but both of you truly and authentically just don't even go there anymore. In fact, maybe the sex has brought you closer in the past, but now that desire and that energy just isn't there. Now. I am sure many of you, especially women, think that you have an enormous amount of male friends, or that you have tons of great male friends, or plenty of people in your life who are male that you are not having sex with, who quite surprisingly, are always doing you favors. They're there for you. They're buying you stuff, they are making purchases and getting you free tickets and helping you get into things and being very supportive of you. It's the bouncer at the bar, or a club promoter, or a waiter or a restaurant owner or someone who's able to get exclusive services. It's worth taking a step back from your life and asking yourself, are you the receiver of these gifts? Are you doing anything in return or in exchange? [00:06:32] Or do you just love these remarkably kind gestures? And you take them, and you take them and you take them, and certainly even vice versa. Men who have women in their lives who they're not actively sleeping with, and so therefore you consider yourself to be friends. Now, it is my stance that it's extremely difficult, if not impossible, most of the time for men and women to be friends where friendship is truly authentic. And this is coming from a man who has multiple authentic friendships with women who I am not actively sleeping with and I'm not trying to sleep with them, and I don't believe they're trying to sleep with me. And yet I still believe it's extremely difficult to move this forward. I think it's important to define what an acquaintance is. The web definition is simple. A person one knows slightly but who is not a close friend. And I would bolster on to that by saying we have and make acquaintances everywhere we go. As soon as you introduce yourself to someone, or you spent five minutes talking to someone, instantly they move from becoming what we love to call. And I very much dislike a stranger into becoming either an acquaintance or a friend. But an acquaintance is not someone who we talk to regularly. We think about. Maybe we don't even have their number saved, maybe we just follow them or they are a friend on Facebook, but there's no conversation actively happening and we don't feel a deference to one another. Now, often an acquaintance, it's very nebulous. Do you want to sleep with them? Do you not? Would you? If they weren't involved with someone, if things were only different, would you consider doing it? Would you love to hit it just once? Would you do it? If they spoke differently or acted differently, do you find yourself strangely sexually attracted to them? There could be a lot of things going on with an acquaintance and likewise with a friend. But so much of this goes unspoken. I think one of the big determining differences between friendship and a potential lover, or friendship and anything else is the idea that you're not thinking about fucking your friend. This is why it's so critical to speak about sex and intimacy in relationships. Sex and sexuality, sexual chemistry. That charge that you get from interacting with someone is literally what separates that type of an interaction from any other type of relationship. Business, friendship, acquaintance, family. [00:08:52] When you think about true friendship, you're not dreaming about this person, you're not fantasizing about them, you're not imagining them in a different position. If the situation presented itself and she dropped her panties or he dropped his pants and said, I'm yours, would you like to proceed with this? That your answer would still be no. And for women, even if he did it in a different way and didn't drop his pants, but pursued you and was just the right amount of funny and confident and rugged and aggressive and assertive but sensitive, that it still wouldn't interest you. So if you do feel intimacy or sexual attraction towards your friend, or they feel it towards you, then this is not friendship. This is something else that's being disguised as friendship or conveniently thought of as friendship. But you are settling or accommodating someone else's request because it must be that way. Especially in the case of a man and a woman, right? If a man wants to have sex with another woman who he considers his friend and vice versa, but she's not interested, not having it, doesn't know it, or isn't taking anything in that direction, then you have lust and desire on one end, often masked as friendship. And that is very subversive and very seedy and very dangerous if we don't acknowledge it, if we don't do anything about it and if we don't recognize it for what it is. And that plays itself out as kind gestures. And if you take that further, in my opinion, this is where we get into so much trouble with as men and women, is you have all these men running around trying to impress women, do favors for them, take them places, open up doors and opportunity. And we put this under the guise of being a gentleman. And this is very, very tricky territory because I have always, myself, been what I consider to be a gentleman. I open doors for women, I'm accommodating friendly walk on the outside of the street, often pay for dinners, often stand when a female comes to the table, or male open up doors on the car, unlock the other side if she's getting in, and so on and so forth. And I do believe in kind gestures and just being a good person. I do translate a lot of that over to my platonic male friends as well. This idea of being kind and being a good person. And I think there are people in the world who are in fact good people and just are more agreeable and accommodating than most. What's tricky here, and what I want you to hear through all of this is that the exact same behavior can have very different intentions. So you could have someone genuinely being a kind soul, man or woman. And I wish the world revolved more around people like this. Or you could have someone going through these motions completely inauthentically because they're hoping to be liked, had sex with, have a chance for a date. And we will talk about the simple way to tell the difference and figure out what's what later in the episode. So when you have a relationship where one person is pursuing another subversively or in a hidden manner, or not being upfront about their feelings, that's where things get really twisted and unpleasant, and that's where resentment can build. That's where using people happens and how this plays out. What this looks like is this male friend is willing to do ABCDEFG, while another male friend might not be willing to do that. And so therefore, a man is often hoping to win a woman's favor. And a woman often gives favor to someone who is there for her and accommodating because it seems like such a nice thing to do. Furthermore, the really tricky part now is if you have a man, for example, with very healthy boundaries, who's not just giving, giving until it hurts, and the same woman who he's friends with is taking, taking, taking, and receiving and receiving from another man. Chances are that someone who's constantly showering you with attention and gifts and take, take, this is going to receive more of your attention and sometimes good grace, depending on who you are. And I like to think of myself as someone who's not able to be purchased from attention. And I find women attractive who are not able to be purchased by favors that other people do for them, especially when nothing is given in return except for Dun dun dun. Their beauty or their presence, or just being me. I think there should be reciprocation when it comes to friendship and of course, being lovers and being in relationship, if that's at all hard for you to hear, if that at all feels perplexing or strange or makes you furl your brow, consider this. Women should pay to spend time with me and be in my presence. Women should do me favors all the time, kind gestures, do things for me, accommodate for me, get me into places I've never been, take me to see things I've never seen, without any expectation of anything in return. Why, you ask? Well, because I'm the man, obviously. Obviously. I was born with these organs, and this entitles me to privilege. All is due to me. My time is very valuable. I don't like to waste time, and I consider time wasting anything involving things where people aren't doing stuff for me. So therefore, anyone who wants to spend time with me should demonstrate that they are worthy of my time. Not only this, but on a regular basis. I need to be receiving flowers. Flowers just because. Flowers for no reason, and flowers because they're beautiful, because they remind you of, well, my beauty, obviously, and how inspiring I am to you just for existing. How does that sound? Would you like to meet me? I'm sure not. We're getting off topic a little bit. But this is not entirely women's fault. It's not entirely men's fault. It's the collaborative effort that goes into the game. And the game is favors for purchase. And in order for someone to sell, someone has to be buying, as long as there are men willing to say, please, please, you embarrass me, you insult me by not letting me pay. This insistence on the one hand machismo, on the other hand generosity, on the one hand ego, on the other hand being a gentleman. And how can you tell the difference? You can't. And the only way to know for sure what's what, because I don't think people will ever be truly, inauthentically honest about it, is to say, do you want to have sex with me? And if the answer is yes, then you have a better understanding of what all of this fuss is really all about. Unfortunately, we can't really run around asking people this question, and we certainly can't reneg on it if we're asking just because we're curious. Certainly, depending on your age, if you're much, much older and you have relationships with people, if you've known each other for years and years and you've never felt any strong pulse or pull or initiation from, then maybe you can call yourself authentic friends. If you've always just sort of enjoyed each other's company for a bite to eat or a discussion or getting together, then perhaps you have a friendship. But more often than not, if you really ask yourself, there is almost always an underlying attraction or sexual connection or unspoken flirtatiousness or chemistry or something that's more than just I like you, you like me, and we're just friends who just get along and hang out once in a while. Because that has boundaries that are a lot stronger, that has more walls of what we will and won't do for your friend. You've now heard some of my philosophies about friendship. You've heard my definition of what a friend is. Take a moment to think about what yours is. [00:16:43] Clarify for yourself what exactly a friend is to you. [00:16:49] Webster's standard definition of a friend. A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations. I think for the purposes of this podcast, it's best to not categorize the people who you actively have sex with or have had sex with as friends. You might have developed a friendship now, or you could be friends now, but often there's always that chemistry or that energy that brought you two together. What can you call that? An appropriate word is a lover, an old lover, an old flame. I do think it's possible to become friends. Once you've had sex with someone and you realize that both of you are not on the same page, you've come to a new conclusion. You've both, simultaneously or at a later date, realized that this is not where you want to take things, or maybe you even regret it, or you had a wonderful time. But interestingly, the word lover is sometimes socially inappropriate and awkward to use these days. For example, let's say you've just met someone and you've had sex. You've been sleeping together a day, a week, or a month, but you haven't officially defined it as anything. Well, you certainly aren't friends, and you certainly aren't in a committed monogamous relationship. How do you introduce someone like this? Often we default to, well, this is my friend Joe, or this is my friend Susan. Or we simply use a name. This is Jennifer, this is John. So we often say friend, as in someone who I'm actively having sex with right now and not sure where this is going, but friendship isn't really the case because we are not behaving as friends towards one another when this is happening. Especially in the beginning. If that person went and had sex with someone else right before your eyes, meaning you saw them be flirtatious with someone else or engage with someone else in a way that might make you feel a little bit of jealousy, you know that you don't have a friendship going on. Friends have a very different dynamic. So let's keep unraveling this. If you are really my friend, then you don't mind and you're not bothered if she's my friend and she's my friend and she's my friend and she's my friend, you also don't mind if she wants to come over late at night. You don't mind if she wants to spend the night, and you don't have any questions about whether she did other than did you guys have a nice night? But on the other hand, if you're my lover or you're my partner, and you don't have an expanded view of polyamorous and open relationships, and that's just not your cup of tea, chances are high that you're not going to be very comfortable hearing about all of these other friends who I'm spending time with. I also think to maintain friendship, it's important to maintain contact on some level when you are local and able to see one another. Because now in today's global world, we can have friends all over the planet, we can meet people everywhere, and sometimes we talk once a year, sometimes once every few years. It's a great catch up. And then poof. It's reminding me right now that I have to call someone in Spain and I have to call someone in France. Sometimes those catch ups take a really long time and they could actually be very draining. I often prefer with international relationships to have short, brief catch ups so that it doesn't feel like a 12345 hour marathon that you have to plan and have time for, but it feels light and easy. And I think we're more susceptible to having longer and more meaningful friendships if we have them in small doses. I say all this to clarify that I think part of having a friendship is seeing each other or experiencing each other with some sort of frequency. Not just you met them once and now they're your friend. What makes them your friend? Just because you've had a conversation or shared one moment together. So I think maintaining a friendship takes work, much like a relationship does. And then I'm going to complicate that with one more addition. Every time I've ever been part of a community, especially in the age of Facebook and Instagram, where it's global, and especially being someone who has traveled the world. I have met and connected with thousands on top of thousands of people. Some of my friends and I share seven 8900 mutual friends in common. In fact, you'll notice now on Facebook, it often asks you, do you actually know this person who you're friending? And I think that's a subtle hint that you should have some sort of connection with them to be a friend. So I actually feel like I have hundreds and hundreds of authentic, real friendships all over the world that I can't possibly, possibly maintain and learn how to dance and do acro and practice what's important to me and learn other languages and have a relationship. And with all the things we want to do in life, it's just not possible. So it comes down to we have to pick the people who are most important to us in the moment. And interestingly enough, I find that sometimes the default person that that's going to be is someone who happens to do something you love. They're in your class, they're in your community, they're in your sport or something that you love to do. Maybe you would otherwise not have spoken to them or not have hung out with them, but because you love doing this activity so much, you see them again and again and again, and then thus a friendship ensues. So what's your definition of a friend? Is it anyone that you know? Anyone who has told you their name or whose hand you've shaken? Or is it just someone you've bumped into at a party? Is that a friend to you? Is it anyone who you know that you're just comfortable talking to or interacting with? For me, though, clarifying even further, a friend is someone that you trust, that you can count on, who you can call, who you will actively spend time with, who you will clear your schedule for, and who, when possible, when they live in the same city you'll make attempts to see regularly? And I would say, even though it doesn't feel good, and it doesn't sound good to say it, that almost anyone else is more of an acquaintance if you're just giving them a hug once in a while when you bump into them, if you just see them at a party and catch up for a few minutes, have you really established your friendship, and have you really established trust? [00:22:59] Take a moment and ask yourself, how many people are in your Instagram inbox, your Facebook inbox, how many men or women in the past have reached out to you and you've said, we should get together. We should totally do something. Yeah, we should meet up sometime, someday, some way and how much time goes by where you haven't gotten together with those people who you would consider friends or people that you're curious about. [00:23:27] Can men and women be friends? To me, the only way that's possible is when both people have an invested interest in each other. But there's no sexual attraction any more, or ever. Or sexual chemistry, or desire, or curiosity about what it would be like to just fuck them once, or to make love with them, or please them, or satisfy them, or eat them out and so on and so forth. And in case that wasn't abundantly clear, this means that if you stand naked in front of the other person, as we said earlier, and say something to the tune of, you know, I was thinking, we can just slip out of these clothes and have a little fun together. What do you think if your so called friend said, hell yeah, I've been waiting for that moment, or just absolutely engaged in that way? Allow me to introduce you to your new lover. Not acquaintance, certainly not genuine friend lover. And that doesn't mean that a great lover can't be a great friend. Or depending on your desire to engage, this person might also be appropriately called your suitor. Why is this important? Why is it necessary to clarify appropriate terminology, give things particular names, and understand all of this? For me, because I think what most people have going on is a pseudo or quasi friendship. It exists by force. In other words, one person from the party feels as though they wanted something more, couldn't get it, and so they are reluctantly becoming a friend. Not because both people are invested and both people want it. It's usually someone getting some sort of secondary gain out of it again and again and again, and another person doing favors for the other person, but not a true friendship. Countless women think they have men as friends. Now, there are plenty of people who are work colleagues, people who have large age differences. I have a couple of female friends who are 10, 20, 30 years my senior. I love spending time with them. I love talking to them for hours. And there is a mutual interest and a mutual understanding that we have a lot to share and give to one another. There's affection, there's love there. And guess what? We're not sleeping together. What I think the world really needs is an ability for someone to truly discern right away if someone is sexually attracted to you. And actually, in most cases, this is pretty easy to figure out, but some of us are a little bit more subversive. Imagine if within the first 30 seconds to few minutes of speaking to someone you knew right away. How that person felt toward you, if they felt sexually attracted to you or not. Probably as a woman, you're saying to yourself, yeah, I already know when that happens. But as a woman, this can totally change over time. You can go out with a man 1234 or five times, find him completely unattractive, and on the third, 4th, 5th, 6th time, suddenly something shifts inside of you and you see a different part of this Guy and you find yourself feeling attracted. But it has to be that this woman is actually interested in knowing you as a Person and continues to spend time with you. It is pretty rare that a woman one day says to you, I'm not sexually attracted to you, and then wakes up the next day suddenly feeling an immense change of heart and instantly wants to have sex with you without there having been some sort of way or method for you to connect or for her to see a different side of you. Sometimes this even happens by accident. She says yes because she has nothing else going on, or yes because she feels bad or has some other, you might say, negative reason for saying yes. And then the guy kind of grows on her. Well, in more ways than one. Suddenly his body that she found totally unappealing becomes cute and doesn't overshadow her beauty. Suddenly, maybe his aggressive or dominant style and approach feels more manly and attractive to her, whereas once it did not. So just because you're not sexually attracted to someone now does not mean it can't change. I personally think for men it tends to stay a little more consistent. We know for damn sure instantly, as soon as we see someone, whether or not we are sexually attracted to them or willing or wanting to have sex with them. Even if she's rude, cruel, cold, disrespectful, vapid, empty, uninteresting, unintelligent, unpleasant to be around. Men know immediately whether or not they want to have sex with you right then and there on the spot. Oh, she has other more redeeming qualities. I like her intelligence and how sweet she is and compassion, caring and loving. I would like to make this person my girlfriend, or I'd like to date her. All of those other qualities are extremely important to us as well. But we know right away from looking at someone if we want to sleep with them or not. And I actually believe that women know this as well. It takes a second, a feeling, a moment for them to decide. But with women, you know, it can be a little more fickle. You guys can get turned off really easily and go from being very attracted to someone to not attracted at all. So I think it's an incredible gift to be able to let someone know immediately, in a loving, sweet, respectful way. This one sentence, I'm attracted to you. What a gift, or thank you, but I'm not attracted to you in that way. Or I'm happy to continue talking to you if you are, but I'm not attracted to you and I don't want this to go further down that direction. I really appreciate your interest, but I want you to know I don't feel the same way. And then don't make the mistake of saying, but I'm totally down to be friends if you want to. Right there is where all of the problems start. What's someone going to say to you? No, I don't want to be your friend if I can't have you. That would be nice and honest, but that's not what happens. And this is where people get lost in this quasi pseudo friendship. But thank you for your interest. I just don't feel the same way. I'm not attracted to you in that way. What a beautiful way to reject someone. If we could all get on the same page with not feeling offended, deflated, upset, hurt, crushed, depressed about someone, quote unquote rejecting us or doing us the favor of saying that they're not attracted to us. What a beautiful world this place can be. No one would be, as women so often love to say, wasting their time. [00:29:46] No one would be spinning their wheels unnecessarily. You would know right away what someone's intentions are and why they're behaving a certain way towards you. There would be no dragging it on, being used, being taken advantage of. Everything would work itself out if people were clear and direct and use simple, thoughtful, considerate, clean, clear language with no negative body language and no nasty tone. I'm not attracted to you, but thank you for your interest. Or, I like where this is going. Let's keep the ball rolling. So imagine that you meet someone for the first time. You're talking for a couple of minutes, and someone decides to say, should we do the thing? And they say, yes, we should. Certainly. One person might go first and say, I'm attracted to you. And the other person might say, thank you very much, I'm not attracted to you. What should the response be? It certainly should not be, oh my God, you're such a bitch. Or, oh my God, what an asshole. Or, oh, I'm so ugly, or, I'm a terrible person. None of that. Take a breath. [00:30:51] Thank you for giving me your truth. And I'm really glad we got that out of the way. [00:30:56] Now, through skilled conversation, body language, communication, smiling, eye contact, and being an otherwise great person, you can certainly change the person's mind. And as you move down the conversation 20 minutes or an hour or the next time you talk or the next time you hang out, you can try checking in again once or twice more over time. If something's been changing and you feel like you're spending more time together and there's sort of an energy building up. But what's nice is it takes both people off the hook from any further expectations. When you hear that someone's not attracted to you, imagine if you would thank them. Thank them for not wasting your time and theirs. Thank them for being honest with themselves and with you, and for not dragging you along for the next six weeks on endless text messages on loop. And then you can turn your attention elsewhere. And the interesting thing is, sometimes by taking your attention off of the person who you're so into, by letting go of that hold you have on them, which is very hard to do when you're really into them, you might find that in letting go, releasing and backing up, that they actually shift and become sexually attracted to you. It's a win win for both people. Now, we're in a position where we know if the person is sexually attracted to us or not, and that's how we're using this term. We don't have to say the word sexual, but that's what we're talking about. I am sexually attracted to you. I am not sexually attracted to you. There is an enormous caveat, however, because this requires something immense from women that perhaps you haven't considered before. This requires that women let go of the idea that everything just happened naturally. This idea that somewhat harmonizes with prince Charming, that things just unfolded naturally, that there was no effort, that no one was trying and no one was making moves and no one was making anyone feel uncomfortable. That the way that sex happened for you just felt so easy and effortless, like you didn't even have to think about it. Yeah, that we have to get rid of all of that. And while I hate to be the person to bust your bubble on that front, it needs to be understood and clear that there's no such thing as things happening naturally in a femalE's experience when she's being pursued by a male. And that that's just happening 100% naturally. No one's trying, no one's planning, no one's plotting, no one's trying to figure out what to do next. It's just all unfolding so easily. It doesn't work the same way as manifesting where you can give your attention to something, think about it, and then let it go. And then it just pops into your experience. When it comes to intimacy, sexuality and dating, someone has to be driving the boat. It can't happen without someone. And it could be the man or it could be the woman asserting themselves, being more aggressive or more dominant. And it could be in the most gentle way. But by taking the lead, taking action, showing some form of dominance or initiation, and doing something to move the intimacy forward, someone simply must touch the other person first. Someone has to kiss the other person, give eyes to the other person, begin taking off the clothes of another person, flirt with them, give that sexual energy and create that atmosphere, that fabricated, delicious sexual atmosphere of intimacy and sexual desire. Oh, let me tell you about my date. It just happened so easily. I don't know what it was. I was swept up off my feet. I can't believe it happened so naturally. It wasn't contrived. He wasn't trying. He wasn't trying too hard or pushing. It was perfect. Yeah. To create that and to offer that, you have to understand that there's an enormous amount of forethought and energy exerted and planning and thinking on a man's part. How do I get this girl? What's going to make it happen for me? What am I going to do to make this an easy experience? How can I be cool? How can I chill out? How can I not look too needy? Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And even if you're someone who's seasoned at it, you're really, really good at intimacy or dating or even seduction. There's still an innate understanding that you are creating or setting the frame for the woman to enjoy herself in and relax. Now, the better you get at this, the less you actually have to do, the less you have to try, the less you have to organize. And all of that imparts a feeling of things happening effortlessly. But without a doubt, no matter how chill you are, no matter how relaxed you are about letting things unfold, someone is always taking action first. And that's a result of a plan from the beginning, even if it's happening in the moment. So you kind of have to be okay with bursting your bubble of this. I was just sitting there, and this whole experience unfolded before my eyes. And taking accountability for your sexual desire. Being okay with the fact that, yes, you are attracted to someone too, and you want something to happen. You're thinking about having it happen. Be okay with saying, you know what I'm feeling sexually attracted to this guy or this girl, whatever your preference is, I'm feeling something so many men and women want to deny and pretend they're not feeling what they're feeling. Number one, so women don't feel guilt and shame and these nasty words like slutty or whorish or whatever, so they don't come across as wanting sex too much. And men want to minimize it. So we don't get rejected, we don't get hurt, and we seem cool, and we seem like, oh, no, I was just doing that because I'm a gentleman and this is the way I am. I love paying for everybody's dinner all the time, no matter what. It's just the kind of guy that I am. And so on and on and on that goes. You don't choose who you're attracted to, but you're choosing to express the fact that you are or are not, rather than leaving it to hope. And maybe, and maybe they get the idea and maybe they don't. Imagine how much confusion you'd eliminate with people you call creeps and people who you think make you feel uncomfortable and situations where you feel uncomfortable. If you simply said the words, I'm not interested, I'm not attracted to you. Thank you for all of this. I don't want it to go further anymore. And then when you are, I am interested. I am attracted to you. Yes. Take me, have me move forward. What would you like to do next? [00:37:03] Wow. So once you know this, actually, whether you know it or not, now what? To bring it round to our conversation about friendship and can men and women be friends? How do you actually become friends? First of all, if a person tells you they're not attracted to you, are they even interested in pursuing a friendship with you at all? Can you actually have a legitimate friendship with someone that you are very attracted to, where you want more, where your body lights up with sexual energy when you're around them? And to me, the answer is no, you can't. You'll be giving too much of your power away. You'll be doing favors and being over accommodating and hoping to hear from them and doing all number of things, just like we do in a sexual relationship that we just don't do when we have a friend. And that's why I say it's extremely difficult, if not impossible, for men and women to be friends if one person has a strong sexual attraction to the other. A while back, I was having a conversation with a new girlfriend, or female friend, as it were. And I was going over these principles and ideas with her, and I used us as an example because she hadn't put her cards out there yet, and neither had I. And I said, I don't know how you feel about me, but we are in a bit of an in between place. I'm going to be okay. If we never have sex, I can be your friend. But at the same time, if you're just going to stand here naked in front of me and ask if I could accommodate you in some way, well, I would probably have to oblige. It's one of those strange in between places where I'm not pining to do it, I'm not yearning to do it, but there's a part of me that is really drawn to this person, and yet I would still maintain a friendship with her as well, assuming that we had things to talk about, things in common. There wasn't jealousy, there wasn't anger. But as soon as it shifts into something sexual, now we've become what I think is very appropriately called lovers. [00:38:58] And lovers, being lovers, referring to yourself as lovers is a bit of a strange word because that's not something that we feel comfortable referring to ourselves as in public. Oh, hey, everyone. This is my lover, Victoria. It kind of makes people raise their eyebrow a little bit and immediately implies that, oh, these people must be having sex. So why don't we embrace terms like this? Why do we raise an eyebrow? If you say, this is my lover and this is someone who I'm sleeping with currently, why is that such a social taboo? Not to everyone you meet, obviously, but if someone asks, how do you know each other? Or what's the story with you two? If I'm single and I'm interested in you from a dating perspective, I would certainly rather know if the person that you're with is your brother, your sister, your mother or your lover. It obviously makes all the difference in the world. It is no small detail that most of us assume that if we see two people together sitting in a coffee shop, in a library, out to dinner, and especially if it's a man and a woman, that they are together and sexually together. Now, we've all gone out with a male or female friend before and we don't think anything of it. And when you're with that person, you don't feel like you're together, and people don't come up to you and ask you if you're together. But the assumption is that if you're standing with someone. Very few people think this could be anyone, a brother, a sister, a coworker, or just a friend. [00:40:17] If someone is really attracted to you, their focus is on you. It's almost a bit like an obsession. It's going to be damn near impossible for them to act as a true friend in any capacity. And it's even going to be hard for you. If you are the object of their desire to behave as a friend to them. They're going to put you up on a pedestal, give you so much attention. And in some cases, you might actually like this and love this. You might love the way he treats you, but you're not sexually interested. Again, this is not a friend. This is having a suitor. And if you're enjoying all that attention and taking it and taking it and taking it, it's a bit like using someone. This is using all of the attention and the affection and taking, and taking, and taking, and not giving anything back yourself, except, well, just being cute or friendly or nice and available for someone to do stuff for you. And that's not really acceptable when it comes to being a friend or a lover, frankly. [00:41:17] As an interesting side note, I often discuss a subject that I believe we call the friendship model of dating with a very close friend of mine. In fact, one of these older friends with whom I feel very, very connected to. Guess what? We're not sexually attracted to each other. We're not having sex, and we are friends, but there is an age gap of 20 or so years. No, twelve or so years. And we always talk about how there's often no jealousy in friendship. There's no possessiveness or control or telling who can sleep with who and who can do what and who should do what and when, we don't get on people for their eating habits or their dietary habits or religious beliefs or what have you. Should you vaccinate? How should you punish children? How should we raise people? What are our beliefs about life after death? And on and on and on. We don't argue excessively over unnecessary things. But as soon as we've had sex with someone, literally, as soon as we have exchanged this type of energy, all the rules change. Why are they talking to that person? Why are they looking at that person? Why are they playing with that person? Why do they chew like this? Why don't they believe my beliefs? All of a sudden, all this stuff matters simply by having had sex. And even though we can talk at length about what having emotional intimacy with a friend is all about and how some women and men would definitely not prefer their partner, have an emotional tie, or bond with someone else. It's interesting that as soon as it shifts over, you can talk to them for hours a day, you can spend time together, you can go out if it's platonic. Most people in a relationship are okay with you having a platonic friend. But the moment any type of sexual intimacy transpires, this is reason for divorce. Breaking up, never speaking to the person again, feeling betrayed, feeling lost, feeling like you cannot believe someone would ever do this to you. And yet, when you're friends with someone, this simply does not exist. [00:43:19] And you know this, you know this very, very well from any relationship you've been in. All of a sudden, more things matter. [00:43:27] This is also the argument for why it's virtually impossible to be friends with someone who you're sexually attracted to, or they are sexually attracted to you. What are the other exceptions? There are always exceptions. And I'm sure people have plenty of exceptions that I'm not even speaking about in this podcast. And I'm 100% certain that you can show me someone who is your friend in your life, and they are truly your friend as well. So one exception might be you break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend on amiable terms. You're just not a good fit. Neither of you two are particularly lusting after each other. Neither of you two are angry and hating each other. And maybe you've even dated other people, since if you value who that person is for who they are and how they make you feel, other than how they make you feel sexually, then you should still have things to talk about, reasons to spend time together and thoroughly enjoy each other's company. It's always mystified me when I meet people who shut down the entire thing. Once they get out of a relationship with you, we're no longer having sex. So I can never speak to you again. We must never talk, never look at each other, unfriend each other. It's over, move on. Oh, and I almost forgot. We probably should block each other, too, across all of our devices and all social media platforms. That's never been a part of my vocabulary. A few months down the line, or several months, or maybe it takes a year, but to me, we should be able to meet up for tea or dinner or catch up or see who we're dating now and who's in each other's lives. And there may even be an opportunity for us to reconnect again, which I know a lot of people are against. They feel like if it's over, it's over. I must never do it again. I have a different approach. I have several ex girlfriends who are now married or who are married with children, who I still feel friends with. And I feel like we can talk to each other once in a while. I think if I spent months of my life inside of this person, inside of her body, her heart, her mind, and she spent the night at my house, and she knows me so intimately, why would I never want to speak to this person again? Why would I never want to see them again, ever? And even in some cases, why would I never want to have sex with this person again? If there is that sexual chemistry there. Is she my friend in this case? No. I would say she'll always have been either an ex or a lover or a girlfriend or something of this nature. I have other exes, such as the married ones, the ones with children, where I know it's never going to be anything again. I don't think about them in that way. I don't see them that way. I would hope they don't see me that way anymore. If they're involved that deeply with someone else, that is where a friendship can ensue. And it's interesting. I can tell you a quick story. There is an ex I have from about ten years ago who I've been trying to spend an hour with for a very specific reason. I know she has a family, I know she's married, and she fully understands that I don't want to involve myself in any way romantically with her. It's several relationships ago for both of us. We left things on a good note. We have spoken over the years. Everything is what I would call neutral. We both share something very near and dear to our hearts in common, and we are trying to set up a time to explore that together. And this has absolutely nothing to do with intimacy, sexuality, sensuality, or sexual intimacy. But it's something that means a lot to both of us. She has taken, I thInk, 50 days. [00:46:50] 50 days. [00:46:54] I don't think it gets more unacceptable in terms of a healthy amount of time to return someone's call or message. But the thing is, sadly, is that in this case, I've been deprioritized. Because if we want to make an effort with someone, we will. If we want to get someone on calendar, we will. But the OD thing is to say yes to something and still put it off and delay it instead of just talking about it, or if there's some sort of elephant in the room trying to figure out why. But in any case, 50 days. And even though I know she's a very good communicator and she specializes in it, and she has articulated that she wants to do this thing. The busy thing has come up and so much going on and the travel and the this and the that and whatnot. And in my mind, I'm thinking, my God, how hard is it to make 1 hour commitment not to someone new or a random person, but to a friend, to someone you know, to someone you trust, and it's inside of your own home? So she doesn't even have to go anywhere. And unfortunately, this is what often happens in relationships, is we're on amiable terms, we like each other. I think that if she actually did just put it on calendar for this week, for instance, and we got together, we'd have an amazing time together, catching up, smiling, laughing. I have no doubt in my mind that it would be for both of us, a really positive, impactful thing, very important experience that we want to have together. Without sounding too dramatic or enigmatic, we are trying to do something before one or two beings pass away and die. And so therefore, there's a little bit of an urgency, a little bit of a like, we should do this. We should get this done. We should have this experience together, and we think it's important, and it's actually going to be a fun experience. So what I've observed in my coaching practice and in my own life, unfortunately, in some ways, is that when you're no longer involved with someone who you've loved, who you've been with for a long time, is often your partner wants to deprioritize you to such a low level that you're not as important as a business contact, as a friend or close friend or dear friend, and you're barely even at acquaintance status. So how does that happen when a relationship is not toxic? For example, if someone was an alcoholic or abusive with drugs or abused you and hit you, and you couldn't wait to get out of the relationship, of course, you never want to speak to this type of person again, but if you broke up on amiable terms and everything is fine, most people have this idea of like, yep, move on, forget, forget, forget and not talk to the other person again. And I just always feel like that's sad. And I understand there are reasons why people might choose to go down this path. Maybe there's nervousness. Maybe you are worried about your current partner being upset or something like that. A lot comes into play. And so in this case, I, for instance, am someone who's feeling the brunt of a few months having gone by. I don't think people realize that they do this or that they deprioritize, especially people who are well versed in communication, and especially people who are very capable of saying, I'm not interested, not this lifetime, and especially people who are well versed in personal development. But I think what we always forget, no matter how conscious and aware and awake we are and how present we want to be, is that we always think our life is way, way more important than anyone else's. I've got so much stuff going on. I'm so busy. We have these events coming up. We have children. We've got. [00:50:23] Whatever it is, it's always something. And we all have busy lives. Sometimes I look at my calendar and there's like four to eight events happening in one day, back to back to back to back. On top of things, I haven't even written in there. But in my communication with people, you will never hear me say, I'm busy. I'm too busy. I can't. I'm so busy. It's just a given. In today's day and age, everyone's freaking busy. And that's what I think is important to ackNowledge, is everyone's life is important to them. What are you doing to acknowledge the people who are wanting and legitimately trying to spend time with you, assuming you want to do the same? And this is why this approach that I'm putting forth about simply saying, I'm not interested, or, you know, I want to do this, but I have this concern, or I'm nervous about this or that, just open it up and talk through it. What's always shocked me about human nature is people prefer to be uncomfortable, sit in discomfort, tell all of their friends how uncomfortable they are, but never address what is actually going on to the person who you're talking to. And obviously, this is what creates tons and tons and tons of problems with communication and relationships. But if you're not feeling concerned or upset or worry or you have some issue that you want to bring up, then what the hell are you doing? So in terms of my ex, you might be thinking that there's no interest there. I think everyone thinks if time goes by or you're getting blown off or something isn't happening, then that must be that they truly aren't interested. And I've just found that to not be the case. So I sent one follow up message saying, hey, it's been, like, 60 days. Are we going to do this? Is this something that you still want to do? And she said, yes, absolutely. I'm very curious about doing it. I need to talk to my assistant. I need to get this on calendar. I'm really curious to do this thing with you. And since that response has happened, another couple weeks have gone by. So for me, with accountability, which is always, as you know from listening to this podcast, a really big issue, I would say I don't even have friendship. We're obviously not lovers, and I'd say we are slightly acquaintances at this point. Wouldn't that be an accurate description? So it's worth some thought, right? Can men and women be friends? In this particular case, even though I can be cordial and friendly, and I genuinely am curious to catch up with my ex and see how she is, I would say, no. [00:52:47] No. I'm not sure if we can be friends who are there for each other, who care, who follow up, who actually meet face to face. And that's sad, again, because it doesn't have to be that way. And I think, too, women often want to focus on their man or their relationship and not disrespect their man. Their relationship. He's priority number one. And I should say men and women, of course, which is an incredible thing to do when I'm in relationship with someone, I also want to be their priority and their number one. But when sexual chemistry and intimacy are completely absent from both people, then I just don't think this has to be the case. I don't think it has to be. All people who you're not in a relationship with become an acquaintance, and your husband or wife becomes person number one. And there's, like, nothing in between. I think you can have happy, healthy friendships with the opposite sex as long as that charge isn't there. How often does that happen? Pretty rarely. So it's interesting the way something can change in the opposite direction. Something that was once, for a year straight, we had endless amounts of sex, endless amounts of communication, laughing, crying, traveling, exploring, visiting, growing and sharing an enormous amount of things in common. Something that was once expansive and open and completely vibrant is now been demoted to the tepid position of acquaintance. And so I always think in my heart of hearts that it's a sad thing when this happens, that it's really too bad that people can't reconnect when you've shared so much like that, even if it's just a different chapter of your life. And it doesn't have to be sexual and it doesn't have to be intimate. So having heard all of this. What really is a friend to you? What does friendship mean, and what is it to be a friend to someone else? [00:54:44] How in your life have you been behaving towards people under the pretense of friend, when really you don't care about that person at all is a friend someone who vouches for you, who shows up for you, who's there for you, who would really be your friend if you called them in pain? Would they give you time and hold space and see you and hug you and hold you if you needed it? Or would they tell you they're really busy and have a lot going on, but let's see if we can get something in next week. Have you in your life been trying to spend time with certain people? I mean, I know I certainly have, and I know many of the clients who I speak to certainly have, and it just doesn't happen. My coaching, especially for people who have a hard time with boundaries, is to let go as soon as possible. If you realize you're interacting with someone who, and by the way, I'm not now referring to my ex at all, just with anyone in general who you're trying to spend time with, you're not getting a favorable response. You're not getting someone who's meeting you halfway or who values your time. Let it go, let it go. Let it go. Let it go. If you think to yourself, who really is there for you in your life right now? That's a lot, actually, for me to say, because I've never felt the need to say I need someone to be there for me or who has my back or. I don't really use language like that. For me, I really think it's about people who care about you and who express and show some form of affection. You know, I would say probably less than five people who immediately come to mind who I think would really, really be there for me and who I could trust, who I could trust to keep my information private, who I could trust to share real life stories with and not wonder if they'd be gossiped about to other people. Maybe it's five, maybe it's ten. In the whole wide world, despite being friends with thousands of people and despite feeling close with hundreds of people, some of these people I've slept with, some I haven't. But I do believe that they all have my best interests in mind. They care about me and they love me, and I feel the same toward them because in my mind, I've transmuted the relationship into a friendship level, and I would like to believe they've done the same. So because we no longer see each other that way anymore, we are able to have a respectable friendship where we don't get pissed off at each other, where we can hear about other partners that they have and where we can interact in a way that's super positive. But that polarity, that charge, that sexual energy, that desire that gets you hard or wet, that curiosity has to be gone for both people. So now you might be asking yourself, well, can I have sex with my friends? And my answer is, of course I have sex with all of my friends. Kidding. Kidding. Only some of them. Only some. But it's worth having that discussion with your friends. Is this somewhere you want to go? Can we be cool with it? Are we going to change or act differently? Something I've always prided myself on, literally from the time I think I was a teenager, is that I'm consistent with who I am. I don't change. My expectations don't change. I don't become a monster or an animal or this aggressive, angry person. I don't pull back and become suddenly shy and timid. I stay consistent with liking you, being respectful to you. And I think that's part of why I've never understood why relationships have to come to a definitive end. Because I've always been consistent from the beginning. If you have a good friendship with someone and you think this will take it to the next level, what are your expectations? Can sex enhance your friendship as you elevate it to the next level of this new relationship, as lovers or friends with benefits or whatever you'd like to call it, or even evolving into a relationship, is one person thinking that that might mean it's going to be a relationship and this might be the person you're going to fall in love with, or are you just curious about what they taste like? These are things we need to know. So what I like to say and what I do say and will continue to say to all potential sexual partners or friends who may want to become a sexual partner with me is, can you handle it? Can you handle it if you and I have great sex? And then you see that she gives me a hug and she gives me a kiss and she jumps into my arms to say hello and she gives me a special look or a smile, is that going to make you crazy? If you see someone post something friendly on my wall or my page or send hearts or kisses or something like that? If someone makes a comment on one of my posts, if you see that I receive a text message, and it's a woman's name. If you see that a text message comes in, and friendly language such as hun or babe or doll face or whatever is used. If I bump into someone at an event who gives me a really warm, tender hug, if you see me perform with other women, if you see other women appear to be doting on me, or if I catch their attention and I hold eye contact for a moment, what type of an effect does that have on your nervous system? Is it going to drive you nuts? Are you comfortable with it? Do you have the same thing going on? Do you understand the intention behind it and where it's coming from? Or can you really, really handle it as a friend? And I think that most people cannot handle that as a friend very well. They can do it temporarily. They can stuff it down. They can pretend to be cool. They can try really hard to be cool. And so that's why I'll often say we can engage like this, but it has to be to the level that you can sustain it. So maybe it's like three or five times, maybe it's ten times that we can enjoy having sex with each other before we have to come to a new decision or a new choice about what we're going to do next to protect our feelings. And just like I said in the beginning, about having this model where we can say, I'm attracted to you, I'm not attracted to you. So, too, can lovers also say to each other, I'm falling for you, I'm feeling more than I expected, or I'm feeling less than I expected. This form of communication should become so commonplace that it stops hurting on the deep, deep levels of our psyche. Because it's okay. [01:00:59] It's really, really okay. Not everyone is going to fall for us, and not everyone is going to be our perfect match or soulmate. But can I tell you a secret about life? [01:01:10] There isn't one person out there waiting for you who is your one and your only one, your one and only, the only one you need. Your ship hasn't sailed and your chances haven't run out. There is always another and another and another and another. And that's not a compelling argument for polyamory or open relationships. I'm just saying that you can meet someone and spend the rest of your life with them happily, and you can also meet someone and spend many years with them happily, and then another and another. And no, they'll never be the same as the person who captivated your heart as you remember it. But there's always someone else. I don't mean something better. I don't mean discard someone for something that you feel is better for you, especially if you love them and adore them. I'm really, really invested in loving the hell out of someone who is in your life right now. If you have someone who's there who cares for you, who you care for, who's so special to you, there's nothing like that. Yes, you can find another mate, but they're never going to be the same. They're never going to have the same mannerisms and things that we fall in love with with regard to that particular person. And this is why we never want to break up with someone because we think we love them so much. We don't want to lose all those amazing things. You will eventually find someone who you can fall in love with again, or be with and be close with again. [01:02:40] Both things are true. But I place such a high value on. I think it's such a gift to be involved with someone who really loves you and you really love them. And even if everything isn't lining up perfectly, even if the stars aren't aligned or it isn't the perfect match, if there's something that's like, really, really great there, I just love milking that and stretching that out and savoring it, and giving, and giving, and giving over and over to that person. Because that is a Rare, special moment. That period where things are going well, where things are good, where you're loving each other and adoring each other. It's such an incredible space to be in. And I truly believe a great way to get there, or at least discover that you can get there, is by being honest and sincere about your feelings from the beginning. With direct, direct verbal communication. It's a favor that someone is doing us to save us time, energy, heartache, lies, manipulation, cheating, and. And all the other nonsense that we do. And especially girls, when you do this because you don't want to hurt the other person. I don't want to hurt his feelings, so I'm not going to tell him how I feel. I don't want to hurt him, so I'll drag it on for six months. So he's really suffering. I just don't want the burden or the guilt or I don't want to be confrontational and be direct with my feelings because then I might be exposed. All of that stuff has to go. Sharing your feelings should be as natural as drinking water. So if you are to take this further, lovers and one of you starts feeling more for the other person. Say it, speak it, express it here too. I'm really liking you. As I'm going through this with you, I'm finding myself caring for you more and more. I want to take this to the next level. I want you in my life. I love you. I think about you all the time. I want you close to me at all times. In an ideal situation, that person will say back to you, wow, I'm so glad you said it first. I was nervous about it. I think I'm feeling the same way. Okay, great. Where do we want to go from here? Should we make this a little more exclusive or official? Or do we need to not give it labels? Still, what's it going to be? One person confesses their feelings and the other person doesn't feel that way. It's important to be able to say it. I don't feel the same way even though I care for you, or even though I feel love for you, or even though I am so enjoying this right now. A very advanced version of this is if you're not attracted to your partner in the same way you like having sex with them, or sleeping with them, or being with them, but your partner is, and they stick around hoping that you're going to change your mind or things will eventually change because the sex is so good, or eventually get better because you guys get along so well, why wouldn't you want to be in a relationship? That's very dangerous territory for both people. So I would strongly advise never leading the person on and giving them loving reassurance that this is not what you want. And in some cases, in advanced practice, you may have to exit from the relationship yourself, even if you have no problem continuing it so you don't ultimately hurt the other person really badly. And then the other person who has the feeling should also be able to establish those boundaries, see if they need to eject or if they can keep going, and then be able to exit when they're ready. Those examples are other perfect demonstrations of when it's impossible to be friends. It is virtually going to be impossible to have a friendship with someone who has very strong feelings for you and you don't feel that way towards them. [01:06:22] Also, lastly, publicly, when men and women meet for the first time, this is not how it goes. We do not meet under the terms of friendship. When someone approaches you and asks if they can buy you a coffee, take you to eat, spend some time with you, go be together, that is never, under the pretense of a friendship, their interest is not to have a pen pal or someone to go see a movie with. It's almost always romantic. So how do you know if you can be friends with someone? You do the thing, the thing you heard here first and exclusively on closeness. You ask them if they're attracted to you or you tell them how you feel about them. [01:07:00] If every woman who walked up to me within five minutes of meeting me and she said, hey, Tari, it's so great to meet you, I'm really attracted to you, or hey, Tari, it's so great to meet you, I'm not attracted to you. I can't think of a better way to communicate with someone right off the bat because it will instantly keep that energy and that chemistry and that polarity going or pop it like a balloon and you just know where the boundary is and it's easy. Just imagine how dramatically that would change how we all interact with one another. And I know it might sound a little silly or far fetched, but really, if you knew if you were single or newly single, or in an open relationship or any situation where you're not involved with someone, just imagine how incredible it could be to know exactly where you stand with someone before moving forward, especially in today's day and age of misinterpretation and people feeling offended and bothered and people who don't want to be spoken to when they're not attracted to you, and there's no way for you to know until you know. So I think I'll leave it right there. If you made it this far, let me leave you with just a touch of bonus content. One of the most incredible things about being alive and being a human being on this planet is we can mix it up with so many different types of people. You have creatives, artists, you have dentists and doctors. We have Eastern Europe and the Middle east, and Sri Lanka and India and Australia and Japan and all these incredible places to meet different types of people. Do you want to limit the ability to meet thousands on top of thousands of new people and have incredible new experiences all because you're married or you're in a relationship, or you think you don't need anyone else in the planet because you're with one person? One of the most incredible things about being able to have different friends, true, authentic friends, is that you can get a taste of what you don't have in your current relationship or also bolster onto what you already have in your current relationship. Let's say you have incredible sex in your marriage, but that's really about it. That's all that's keeping you together in your friendships with other people. You can have someone who listens to you and cares about you and talks to you and walks you through things. Who's there for you when you need them? Quite inadvertently, I feel like I've found myself in several friendship relationships where they are highly specific. I have some, albeit very rare, male friendships where all we do is talk about dating, women and technology. [01:09:31] And I have other friendships where I can't stop talking enough about spirituality and how to grow and expand and be expansive. And we refine our communication every single time we speak. And I have other friendships still where it's a mutual exchange of teaching each other what we know best. Everything is an exchange. Everything is a give and a take, and we're always getting something out of the interactions that we engage in, otherwise we wouldn't do them. There's always some sort of return, and hopefully we're giving something as well and the other person is getting something out of it. My final thought is that I think friendships are an essential part of having your needs fulfilled in different ways beyond the one area of marriage, relationship, what have you. Because no one can be all things to you at all times. There's not a person alive on the planet who can always, no matter what, be happy, supportive, wonderful, loving, amazing. They're never upset. They're never pissed off, they're never hurt. They don't emotionally tank. They never do something they don't mean to do. We are human and we all make these mistakes. And having friends who we can talk to and turn to and spend time with, who are genuinely there for us, not because they want to fuck us, not because they're hoping for the opportunity for something more to happen, but who are actually there for us. That's an incredible gift. Have a wonderful day. If you haven't already, please support our Patreon, which is patreon.com closeness. That's a place where you can contribute 510 $20,000 a month. Whatever feels best. Don't forget to press that subscribe button on our YouTube channel, aptly called Closeness. And also check out our websiTe, get closeness.com, where you can book coaching sessions with me either via Skype, FaceTime or in person in San Diego. Thank you for listening and stay close, my friends.