Speaker 0 00:00 Hello and welcome to episode 43 of the closeness podcast. I'm your host Tara Manilow and this is your new sexual education. This episode is the precursor to the female sexual response cycle, which we'll be talking about in our next episode. What is that? It's a roadmap to understanding how excited and turned on a woman is when she's with you in the different stages and phases she might go through as it pertains to her being intimate with you, but to foreshadow that and to understand when a girl wants you, how to know when she wants you, this is also extremely useful before you start activating the female sexual response cycle. Isn't that a great phrase? Now, of course, as usual, our disclaimer for the episode is that such knowledge should never be used to the detriment of another individual, but rather to help her spill over into an fathomable amounts of pleasure.
Speaker 0 00:55 When it comes to understanding arousal, it's often helpful to think of a woman's mentality as being fluid in its ability to bounce from one thought to the next. Whereas men tend to be a bit more static, fixed and unwavering. In our choices. However, that fluidity can often come to a screeching halt when a woman decides in the early phases of her relationship or interaction with you that you will not be having sex. Whether that's due to her genuinely and simply not being interested in you. Her own stubbornness or feeling of being right or sense that she has a feeling that tells her she should know better or perceived red flags, whether valid or not, or some other worldly sense of intuition or guidance from spirit, whether valid or not. Any of these impediments that become involved in a woman's choice to not have sex with you can almost always rebuff your most prized gestures and techniques.
Speaker 0 01:46 Nevertheless, there is a very clear path that women often take as they work their way from someone who doesn't know you, to someone who can't get enough of you. So what excites women and what turns them on? What is the process of what this looks like and where do we start? We have to start with knowing whether a girl likes you or not, how to tell if she does and what are some of the telltale signs to know that you can or should move forward with a woman that she's excited, curious, or turned on by you? One of the most important things I think we can do for ourselves as people is to know thyself. Know who you are, know how you work and know what effect your behavior has on other people. There are several ways that women demonstrate their interest in you. They range from not showing any obvious signs of interest at all to very overt gestures and some very strange behavior.
Speaker 0 02:40 Even sometimes behavior that will make no sense to the receiving party. When a woman is interested in me, I actually have a preference of how she goes about doing it and because I've given this so much thought, I'm actually at peace. If this technique or this preference excludes several women from meeting me or dating me because to me, anything other than demonstrations of availability, interest, receptivity, and an openness to connect and get together is of no interest to me. If you feel like you're someone who's new to dating or perhaps you're not an expert at reading body language, having a mentality like this will keep you out of trouble. It'll keep you safe, it'll keep you from not making unwanted mistakes with women because you are only banking on the ones who know themselves well enough and are comfortable enough with themselves to show interest in you.
Speaker 0 03:32 Everything always falls on a spectrum and one of my favorite places to be when it comes to women's sexual attraction toward me is right in the middle. I don't want anything to do with women who show no interest, can't hold any sort of eye contact, dart their eyes all around the room and blink countless times are extremely shy, can't or perhaps can't muster the ability to articulate or express herself in a coherent way. And most of all, women who are stereotypically considered hot girls or especially women who are super done up with an enormous amount of makeup, she's wearing everything skin tight. There's accessories, hair is done, eyes done, boobies are out. When I really observe women like this, I see there's so much internal turmoil, so much blinking, so many micro expressions in their face of emotions that they're going through such an inability to authentically smile or authentically connect with someone one on one.
Speaker 0 04:33 All of their interactions with people are almost unanimously based on their appearance, which they're very insecure about, even if they look more beautiful than most people alive. And so you're always at battle with that fragility that adjuncts, it makes girls like this respond very poorly to gestures like, hello. Hi, how are you? My name is Tari and others. Simple greetings and hellos. Being somewhat introverted myself, I have a huge amount of empathy for those who are introverted and shy. Make no mistake, I get it, but if this kind of thing is getting in the way of you authentically sharing who you are, expressing what your boundaries are or expressing what your desires are or being able to share either through body language, touch, eye contact and words what you do like and what's important to you, then it really makes engaging in intimacy difficult for both people and it's not that I'm not up for a challenge and it's not that that can't be fun to unlock a woman's heart and unlock her body and show her feelings and sensations she never had before, but it's when that uncomfortable stuff gets in the way of having an interaction or sex or relationship with someone, then it becomes a very strong impediment where there's a lot of room for confusion.
Speaker 0 05:49 If you find yourself getting frustrated easily with yourself, frustrated easily with others or partners, misunderstanding you, all of that stuff to me falls into a category of it's time to work on yourself. It's time to get coaching and learn how to express yourself, what you do like what you don't like and what makes you feel safe and makes you feel really turned on and when you get into that, then it becomes very freeing and very magical to have intimate experiences because you verbally have clarified what you want. You've lined up with it mentally, everybody's on the same page and there's so much less room for error. Now we are all aware that people warm up and the number one thing the shy girl likes to say is I really shy at first, but once you get to know me, I open right up. If that's true for me personally, I love that and that's great.
Speaker 0 06:33 I don't mind investing a little bit of time to open someone up and see what they're like. However, if I bump into roadblock after roadblock of being shut down and closed off and not open and not wanting to explore and not wanting to communicate, then for me, I'm not interested in pursuing something with someone who is so for instance, closed off or shut down. What I mean by that is is I like to live a very full, robust, passionate, communicative, interactive, sensual, sexual, alive, vibrant life. And if a partner <inaudible> what's the opposite? Constantly doesn't know what she wants, constantly changes her mind about what she wants. Quite literally from the polar opposite, such as I want something serious. I don't want anything serious. I want to have children. Suddenly I don't want to have children. Wait, now I do again, has a difficult time showing emotion, has a difficult time giving of herself has a difficult time showing more value than sex and beauty has a difficult time being kind or a difficult time giving back, especially if being self conscious or incessantly aware of the way she looks and thinking poorly of herself gets in the way from being kind to others.
Speaker 0 07:54 So if self-hatred is involved or finally, and this is a big one where she spent a good majority of her life just constantly receiving favors and things from other men and other people. So it doesn't even occur to her to give back. She's just always in receiving mode. All of those things to me are going to translate to having a difficult time in relationship or in a sexual relationship once he moved past the initial stages on the far end of the other side of the spectrum are the other group of women that I in my dating relationships do my best to avoid, and these are the women who have either been raised, ingrained into thinking brainwashed or who have had their friends help them believe that they are somehow far superior to everyone else in their vicinity, but especially their sexual partner. It's as if there's this proving that has to happen, that if you're not paying her bills or taking care of her at every turn, proving and showing to her that you are somehow worthy of her time worthy for her to sit with you at dinner worthy for her to be with you, then she's done having it at all.
Speaker 0 09:02 And because that comes from such an enormous, enormous place of judgment and ego and being on your high horse, and I believe the word I'm looking for is entitlement. I just find them entirely repelling. If you really think these scenarios through, if you think of a partnership where one person thinks that they deserve and expect to have their partner running around, endlessly paying for taking care of and fixing everything for them, whenever they call someone answers, something is always taken care of. They snap in someone else's there. Think about this for a moment. You're born free on this planet in an incredible, incredible place like Western civilization where you get to be and become whoever you want. Do you want to spend your life being subservient to someone and running around, filling every single one of another individual's whims and desires? Even though prior to meeting them, you didn't even know they existed?
Speaker 0 09:57 I don't know if you've ever seen situations like this before or been involved in one, but what happens is it's never ever, ever enough. If you've ever raised a small child, you know that the wants and the needs never ever stop. They need to be fed. Then they want to sleep. Then they want a toy. Then they want the iPad than they want to watch TV. Then they need your attention. And for a very long time, from a very early age, you can't be away from your children. It's just one thing after another. And some people, particularly, some women never grow out of this problem they need, they need, they need. And the biggest issue with all of this is that the needs are so random and whimsical. It's just whatever pops in someone's mind at a given time that they might want or think they need. Have you ever purchased something for yourself only to realize you didn't need it?
Speaker 0 10:48 Have you ever pined for something or wanted something so badly? Use it a few times then never used it again and then forgot about it entirely before you started thinking about the next thing that you want? Yeah, like all the time. This is the cyclical nature of needs and desires being a human being. They're very few things that make you feel so satisfied and so gratified that you're happier for longer than a day, an hour or a minute. So where is this going and how are we tying it all into? How do you know when a girl likes you?
Speaker 0 11:18 It's my strong advice to watch out for people who have huge and high expectations. No matter how much they like you or what they're doing to demonstrate that they do like you are open to be with you because liking like this comes with a very, very, very big price. Life can be hard enough already as it is. Relationships can be hard enough already. When you do have someone who's wonderful and who communicates with you, you're still gonna have your ups and downs. Life is still going to throw you all sorts of different surprises. So I like to when possible and when I can be conscious and aware of it, narrow that window as much as I can to what I would call sort of healthier or a little more stable and clear and lucid and present relationships. Now set a different way. Listen, it's fun to figure women out.
Speaker 0 12:11 It's fun to be adventurous and test things out and see if you could be the one who got her or you could be the one who cracked that facade or you could be the one who broke through the bitch shield and got into her heart and for all intents and purposes made this woman yours. Yes, that's a whole other can of worms. However, if you want to keep yourself safe in today's climate, spending time with women who are healthily calibrated to demonstrate their attraction toward you, whether they are aggressive or not, or even a little shy or even a little forward, whatever it is, I'm of the strong opinion that things will work out better for you in that regard. So first of all, it's really key to notice how a person behaves when they first meet you the very first time. What is their interaction like with you?
Speaker 0 12:59 Are they shy and pulled back and withdrawn? Are they super forward? Are they just in their head like typical party and party guy? Hey, what's up? How are you? Oh my gosh, that's great. Oh my God. Is she not giving you the time of day? Is she ignoring you or is she aggressive? Does she require attention from so many men, 24 seven that she dresses in a certain way that just sucks all attention to her boobs or her butt or her face? Does she make faces that scream? Give me attention if you're experiencing one of those two factors, either that she's wanting attention from every single person around her, not just you, or showing pretty much lack of interest is generally not the time of place to move forward, full speed ahead and try to crack or break through with this person's going through. They're pretty much just sharing the same space that you are and they're not giving you any indicators of interest.
Speaker 0 13:53 So oftentimes, sometimes it's best just to let it be. My hope with this work is to create a big shift both in men and women in men to leave women alone who aren't showing any sort of interest of any kind whatsoever. And certainly there are times where the woman didn't even know you existed or she didn't see you or something like that where yes, it would make sense to do something to get her attention. But for the most part I think men give a lot of women unwanted attention and it's completely unsolicited by women and then in women to not use ignoring being coy, being mysterious, being distant, being quiet, being shut down, cold and put off as possible. Indicators of interest is showing a guy that you are interested in some weird back ass words, sort of way to use actual big girl words, body language, real forms of flirting that people can read and understand so that we can help eradicate the creepy guy syndrome.
Speaker 0 14:51 And what's great about this as your signs can range from something that's completely subtle and delicate and gentle to something completely overt and obvious. All right, so let's deeply examine today's topic. How does a woman show you that she wants you and show you that she's into? Well in today's world, we all know we have to be more careful than ever with what we choose to interpret as a sign or an indicator of interest or something that's exciting. A woman for men, it feels safer for a woman to show more or in some regards to actually make a girl work a little bit harder so that there's a clear sign that there is some interest, a little bit harder, meaning doing something that someone can read. To me, this is the healthiest way for people who have never met before or people who are according each other to go about things.
Speaker 0 15:41 For a woman to somehow show in a very obvious way, even if you prefer a man to chase you, even if you want the guy to make the first move, that you have a desire or a curiosity to spend time with a man that can be really effective. Another way of putting this is staying out of trouble. You so often hear, I have a stalker. This guy is a creeper. This guy really creeped me out. This person made me feel so uncomfortable. All these things. We never think we are that guy and we don't want to be that guy. And so women can help avoid making men that guy by showing and demonstrating clear signs of interest. I personally do not find it remotely interesting if a girl flicks her hair or bats her eyes or does any of these really silly cosmopolitan magazine type of gestures or again, looks once over in my direction or stands slightly closer to me, but is looking in the opposite way or becomes even louder with her girlfriends and starts cackling or find something incredibly amusing in her phone or starts screaming and making a big scene in a bar or a club like she's hysterical with laughter or having such an amazing time.
Speaker 0 16:55 None of these things directly signal to a man that he should come approach you and talk to you. It doesn't inspire me to come over to you and say, hi, I heard you screaming and yelling with your girlfriends and laughing hysterically and then looking deeply into your cell phone for 20 minutes and then clicking your heels and making all sorts of noises. And I thought, surely you wanted to meet me and have me come say hello. So what can you do? I'm going to share a range of possibilities from obvious to extremely obvious, and I do so because I want you to see what's possible. Now, one of the first and best ways for people to express interest in each other is with some form of glorious, perfect, wonderful, flirtatious eye contact. It's the easiest and yet could be one of the most trickiest ones to master. What's the difference between staring an eye contact? What's the difference between puppy, dog eyes and sad eyes?
Speaker 0 17:59 What's the difference between looking at someone with lust in your eyes and appreciation? Admiration, desire. We know with our mouths, we can smile, we can frown, we can grit our teeth, and we know that we can see some of these things when we look into people's eyes. But do you specifically as a man or woman, know how to control your eyes in a way that speaks to what you want the other person to know? Are you staring and boring into someone's eyes or are you making flirtatious eye contact? Are you activating someone's carnal and primal side or are you freaking them out? Are you deeply penetrating someone with your eye contact in a way that causes excitement in them or are you making them feel fear? Can you look at someone in a way that's safe and also dangerous or exciting at the same time?
Speaker 0 18:49 Exciting could be a little scary in a good way. It could give a little adjunct or nervousness in a good way. Dangerous can mean fun. Dangerous can mean highly sexually adventurous. Dangerous can mean something you haven't done before, but at the base of it is, Hmm, something's here. Something's here I want to explore. I like what I see and I've got my eye on it. I could hold eye contact with you for awhile and you better believe that when I'm looking at you, I'm looking right into you. I see you and I'm present with you and maybe maybe if I'm getting the right signals back, I can show you with my eyes that I would ravish you.
Speaker 0 19:34 So eye contact multiple times, many times coming back for more, enjoying it. It can be such a wonderful tool to build interest and excitement. However, if you see a woman somewhere in a very active and social setting and you've exchanged eye contact a few times, if you let it go and go and go, five 10, 15 minutes go by, you're likely going to lose the opportunity to engage, lose her interest, or someone else is going to go talk to her. Or it might start to get weird because now it's established and any minute now, when is this person gonna come over? So it's being able to find the right time with all of this. And I also want to add that yes, this is so tricky to me. For men, it's really, really sad. You cannot know if a woman is going to find your eye contact welcoming and inviting and she's going to be thrilled to have it.
Speaker 0 20:33 Or if you're totally going to gross her out for whatever reason, which may even have nothing to do with you because you have to know that in most situations she sure as hell is not going to walk over to you and compliment you and say, Hey, I just noticed who's was checking me out from across the way, so I thought I'd make this easy for you. Yes, I know there are occasionally some listeners who are like, I approach guys all the time and it's just a rare, rare occurrence. There's just sort of a way that life seems to work. I didn't choose it. I didn't write it. I didn't say this is how it should be, but what that is is men pursuing women because women are showing signs of interest and then men are moving forward to take action, so eye contact. How can you get good at it?
Speaker 0 21:16 Well, you know, I'm a fan of workshopping things. If you've got a female friend, any female friend or even a guy, you can ask them to mess around with you and say, look, I want to try and give you some looks. Or some eye contact or some feelings with my body language and see if it activates something in you. If you can feel something from me, practice just like anything else makes perfect. Next up is touching or some form of physical contact. Touching is what we do when we want the other person to know that we're interested in them and we want to use something other than you know our mouth to speak to. Speak. Disclaimer, we live in a world where if you don't have permission to touch someone, oof. This is an unwanted, unwelcome, uninvited gesture. You've heard me speak at length even in this podcast about how when attention comes from someone who a woman finds attractive, suddenly it's amazing and welcome and flirtatious and hot and sexy, and when it comes from a guy who she just happens to find an attractive, well, how dare you, Johnny, for looking in her direction, for even thinking that you could touch her and if all that wasn't bad enough in some places, in many places touching someone without their permission is considered to be assault, assault.
Speaker 0 22:36 What man in his right mind is going to touch another human being. If the risk is so high that he could get into severe trouble for even putting his hand on your shoulder. Think about that for a moment. Think of all the guy has to go through just to do something that's welcoming or flirtatious or something that demonstrates desire toward you. The risk he has to take in many social situations, it starts to feel like touching isn't allowed. We're not supposed to do that and yet for as long as human beings have been around touching is the way that we escalate things into physical and intimate contact and we don't just do it when we're ready to have sex ideally and especially to a woman's preference, it starts much, much earlier. Let me repeat that one more time in a different way. Women listening to you want the only physical interaction from a man to happen as soon as he's ready to have sex with you and vice versa.
Speaker 0 23:35 So no physical contact whatsoever until it's time for sex and then hands all over you. Of course not. Of course she wanted to start earlier way earlier. You want to have had a chance to get to know him and feel him and touch him and understand what his touches like way before you have sex. Yes. So so understand that touching is part of this. If you're not going to be initiating the touching he does and it simply has to start somewhere at some point. And it could be as early as the first time you meet someone or it could be on a later date. So to go back to the scale I was referencing earlier where you're evaluating the type of woman that you want to have sex with, interact with her date. Does she fall on the scale where her actions or gestures and her body language are readable?
Speaker 0 24:21 Can you get and feel and understand whether she wants you to touch her? Not are you a man who's looking to play it safe to not create any trouble or problems for yourself? Are you someone who just wants to know right away what's going on? Well here, more than ever, this comes into question. If you're someone who enjoys being risky and then you just have to know that the consequences of your touching and your actions can always be read the wrong way and just because you find someone attractive or you think she looks inviting or you think she looks nice, she could be thinking something entirely different. It does suck that we live in a world like this where everyone has to be so careful. It would be great if everyone could have the wherewithal to touch one another in ways that we all knew were welcome no matter how intense or sensual they were.
Speaker 0 25:09 If there was an understanding immediately between both people if that was okay or not, that'll be phenomenal. I'm in an acrobatic community where most people are extremely touchy feely. People love giving long hugs and nice little massages to each other. Everyone's super friendly and super open and super inviting from this community and also abroad. It is possible to meet someone for the very first time man, woman or other and have them give you such a welcoming, sensual embrace or long gazing, eye contact or even a kiss on the mouth. Now careful listening to this. I'm not suggesting that if you come try acrobatics, you're going to be made out with and groped and Gritten no, but depending on the chemistry you have with people, some people are just very open and they're willing to share themselves with you if you're willing to receive it. But it can be very misleading because that doesn't mean that everybody in the group is that way and that everybody wants that type of attention.
Speaker 0 26:05 Imagine being in a group of 50 people where each of your friends and acquaintances all love to be hugged, touch, receive eye contact, have some sort of interaction that goes beyond just talking. So you're moving from person to person, relating to people differently. Some you're using body language, some you're touching on their shoulder or their leg or you're giving a massage to, or you're expressing yourself in a very animated way that has physical contact. And then you come across someone who actually wants no physical contact from anyone. And then this person says, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. What is this? What are you doing? What are you doing? Don't touch me. It can be very tricky. Now, I don't want to paint an image of doom and gloom because as we well know, if you're out in the world, whether single or not, or married or not, chances are that you are either touching people on a regular basis or people are touching you in some way.
Speaker 0 26:58 Check this out. My previous roommate had zero physical contact with me aside from the first handshake that we engaged in the day I met him and once we sealed the deal and signed the contract, then I've had other roommates who were always in the habit of multiple full body hugs on a daily basis. Maybe you're a girl and you see your girlfriends for the first time, or you're having brunch, so you give each other hugs and kisses. Maybe you're close to someone so you cuddle up to them or you spend time nestled in their arms while you're sitting in a lounge or on a sofa. Maybe you're just starting to see someone and you're escalating physical attention. These are all places where it's socially acceptable to touch someone when you have rapport with them or they're showing interest or you have sort of an established understanding, touching becomes easy.
Speaker 0 27:45 Once you've met someone a few times, you've spent a little time with them and you have a sense of who they are, the gray area and the tricky areas always the first few times and especially the first time you meet someone, it is wonderful. Therefore, if a woman can show her interest either through her words and very obvious suggestions to invite a man into her space or by touching a man first, it should go to follow that. If a girl has put her hand on your leg or your knee or your thigh or your stomach or your chest or your face or your head anywhere on your body with a smile on her face or a lustful look in her eye or she's just laughing and then touches you, that you should then feel safe to do the same thing back. It's a really touchy subject because sometimes for those who don't really know how to navigate sex touch or intimacy, it can be really tricky to make the transition from not being sexual to being intimate and sexual and touching and leading is a big part of that transition.
Speaker 0 28:53 For me personally, I find it the easiest and the most effective. When I am in a state of touching rapport with someone who I'm interacting with, it's established that touching is okay. I want to get there as quickly as possible and as comfortably and safely as possible and comfort could come instantly. It could come in the moment you see someone for the first time or it may take time, minutes, hours, days, and weeks. The longer you put it off when both people are interested, the more awkward and almost impossible it becomes to engage in sensual and especially sexual touch when you've never had the opportunity to have your hands all over each other before, but to be in this rapport of touching so that it feels like the next logical step when something else is going to unfold. If you've never done anything more than hug someone goodbye.
Speaker 0 29:48 If you've never done anything more than shake someone's hand, it could seem a little strange and misplaced to suddenly try to kiss someone or touch them in a sexual way. And again, that risk is higher of it being unwanted. It's great when a woman touches you first. I'm saying a woman, touch a guy first. If you like him, it's a wonderful way to show your interest. I could almost say ubiquitously men are not going to look at you in a very strange or offended or creepy way because you put your hand on their shoulder and understand this is one of those things that could or should go both ways, but it seems to not, I've never come across a man who's been upset because he received some unwanted attention from a woman because she put her hand on his shoulder or his back or his leg or what have you, or laughed with him or gave him an extra long hug.
Speaker 0 30:37 Okay, so what are some ground rules or some criteria for touching? You want to think of the body as having an outside and an inside, a soft shell or a belly, and then an outer firmer, rougher exterior. The outside is the place that you can feel more comfortable and safe to touch and more people are going to be receptive and open to experiencing. When you partner dance with someone, it's okay to put your hands in certain places. The shoulder blade, their waist, the woman often puts her hand on your shoulder. Those are good places to start. If you feel like you have intimacy and rapport, you can start with something as simple as a handshake. Hold the hand a little bit longer. You can put your other hand gently on top to create some touch. You can emphasize a handshake by touching someone on their shoulder.
Speaker 0 31:22 I keep referencing the shoulder. This would be the outer part of the shoulder of the deltoid or behind on the back. Danger zones include the chest area, the deck collage, obviously a woman's breasts in between her legs, the insides of her thighs, and especially the higher you go towards her midsection, her stomach. Even if you know, unlike the person, it's often an area that people feel self conscious about and of course where they feel the most fat. Hips can also be an area to cause some sexual excitement and all of these things can work. They can work just fine. If you have permission and the desire from the other person to touch you there, then of course it gets more and more exciting. I shouldn't say danger zones, I should say more erogenous zones or sexual zones or areas that are going to demonstrate very clearly where your intentions lie.
Speaker 0 32:08 When a person is standing erect, we don't have a ton of choices. We can't touch their feet or their ankles or their calves and that sort of thing. If we're both face to face or just sitting down and acrobatics, it's a little bit different of course, so we have these limited places, even the face and the hair. Often people don't want to have touched, especially by a stranger. Someone doesn't know you very well. However, once you've built some flirtatiousness into your conversation, you've held sensual eye contact. You've touched each other a bunch, you've done what our next suggestion is. Then you can also escalate this further and further. Once a woman is open to your sexual advances, once she's ready to be touched by you everywhere, then touching all these spots becomes electric, touching her lips or her mouth, running your fingers through her hair, caressing her neck, touching the insides of her chest or under arms or down her midsection.
Speaker 0 33:05 Number three, for understanding and knowing when a girl wants you hugging, hugging is an extraordinary way to gauge someone's interest. I speak about this at length in a lot of couples, private intimacy coaching sessions that we do. I always love to look at how each partner hugs the other person. What do they do? I look at their body language as a whole. Are they uptight? Are they distant from one another? How close are they? How well do they fit together? It says everything about what you're not saying and everything about what you can't say. Sometimes people hug a certain way because they are resentful of other areas of the relationship and so they find themselves distancing with their body language even though they're coming in for a warm embrace. There are so many ways to hug someone and Telegraph different emotions. If you've ever been raised in a very <inaudible> conservative family where no one really touched or hugged a lot when you were younger or if you're one of those people who doesn't like to be touched, chances are you could be someone who loves to Ram your shoulder, a very hard part of your body into the soft, tender, fleshy chest of the person that you're hugging, or maybe you're one of those huggers who pitches forward from the waist lurching forward two and a half feet so that your genitals and your legs are like two miles away from the person you're hugging.
Speaker 0 34:21 Then being careful to make sure that some part of the bony structure of your chest touches the person where it likely hurts the most. Then you give them the old one too. That's one full second of a hug and then release or are you one of those people who loves getting in your practice for burping a small child? Do you think of hugs as burping a baby? Do you wrap your arms around someone and just whack them on the back seven or eight times helping them regurgitate their lunch? Are you one of those people who goes in for a hug and makes nasal sounds like, Ugh, that was disgusting. That wasn't me. For the record. Do you squeeze someone close to you while holding your breath and making such nasal noises under tension? Like you might pop, forgetting to breathe and take it easy and remember what a hug is really about. You're in, then you're out, you're in, then you out just enough time to make a noise, a noise and then it's done. That also wasn't me, by the way. Are you a man and you give your fellow male friends, bro hugs, which is the equivalent of burping the baby, but much, much harder and you know, only slapping them around once or twice. Come here bro. Bring it in. Bring it in.
Speaker 0 35:31 Are you an earth mama, a tree fairy, a nymph who your way from man to man and just melts into each and every man's arms who will allow you to spread your delicious love juices all over him, inhaling and exhaling at the same time as his belly, his breathing, looking longingly and deeply into his eyes, caressing his face, letting your heart and your full bosom melt into his or are you one of those huggers who lifts your shoulders so high up that you can practically kiss each one of them while you're in a tender embrace and does this shoulder thrusting in the air make you also squint your nose and fro your brow and tighten your mouth and lock your jaw? What kind of hugger are you now in trying to interpret hugs? Nothing is a foolproof plan to guarantee you whether you're in or you're out.
Speaker 0 36:27 Number one, people often express themselves at the level that they are comfortable interacting with the entire world. They could be dealing with something in their own emotional field that has absolutely nothing to do with you or they're feeling emotional or not particularly affectionate that day, or they're feeling fragile or vulnerable. A hug can be a very good indicator of interest if the person is not someone who doesn't like affection, doesn't like to be touched, gets anxiety around people feel super shy or uncomfortable, defines himself as absolutely not touchy feely. Finds repulsion in those who are touchy feely. Then if you get a hug from someone like this, they still could like you, but they don't show it in that way. Now for everybody else, hugs have their own entire range of emotion and one of my favorite ways to know when a woman is interested in me or perhaps interested in everybody is if she drapes her body onto me, that means it's almost like she washes over me like a breath of fresh air.
Speaker 0 37:28 Her arms are open, her body language is open. I feel her heart press against me, her chest, maybe even her stomach, maybe she'll breathe with me. She might even push her waist or her hips against me. I've even, I don't know if I should say this, I've, I've even experienced hugs where a woman will center herself right around my <inaudible>. Quite literally, the edges of her lips are nestled right around me so that everything falls into place and is just a really good fit, if you know what I mean. It can be great. I really appreciate when she'll take a moment to adjust her body. So there's a really good fit. This type of interaction, whether someone wants to date you or not, immediately is going to tell the graph there. Come for it level with you. So if you like me or in a community where you know a lot of people who enjoy giving hugs like this and you see them give hugs like this to everybody, at least you know that you, along with many others will be very, very good friends of hers in the real world.
Speaker 0 38:37 However, and outside of specific pockets and communities, a hug of that nature obviously demonstrates very clear sexual interest. One of the best ways I know to give someone a hug is to open my arms and be and have as receptive and open body language as I can. I'm not expecting anything. I'm not trying to take something from someone and I'm not trying to do anything other than feel I'm not passive and I'm not limp. I am present. So when I first embrace a woman, I feel immediately, if I feel those tense hugs like I described earlier, I am out. I'm in and out as quickly as I possibly can. I don't want there to be any confusion that I sure as hell. I'm not looking to be burped and if someone's gonna just squeeze me a moment or just tap on me or like lurch forward 25 inches and kind of come in and out.
Speaker 0 39:28 That's not for me. However, there is something that's worth mentioning that I think should be adopted as a universal practice. If you embrace someone who burps you and they wrap you on the back like this, consider offering them the same kind gesture in return, but just a little bit firmer, not painfully, not trying to hurt them, but just with a little more intensity so they feel what they're doing to you. So they go whack, whack, whack, and you go whack, whack, whack. And then you observe what happened and you see if there's any consciousness around what they just did to you. And I think that's wonderful. So when I receive a warm, welcoming, soft, or central embrace from someone, it goes miles to help me feel like I'm in. There's a connection. Things are okay, this person feels safe with me. They want to explore things a little more with me. It doesn't have to be sexual, but we've definitely established some form of intimacy and that's great. So if a woman lingers in your arms and holds you, and she even explores you a little bit with her hug. If pro tip, she looks up into your eyes and holds eye contact with you as she's coming in for a hug. Maybe her head Nestles into you. Maybe you hear her say
Speaker 1 40:46 or, Hm Hm,
Speaker 0 40:50 maybe she tells you how good you feel or how good it feels to be hugged by you. She relaxes her shoulders. She lets go a little bit. You're holding and you see that she's not eager to run away from the hug. You can maybe feel her heart beating or her pulse. He can breathe with her. You can move your hands to different areas of her body that are appropriate, like from upper back to lower or to her mid back or arms. And if there is this soft pliability, then you know that one of her doors has opened. So now you've got great eye contact, a warm embrace, some intimate connection, some touching going on. You've got all three of these things happening and all of that equals good chemistry. Wow. You never knew.
Speaker 0 41:58 Number four, compliments and admiration. When you compliment a woman, it could bounce right off of her. She might deflect it. She might hear it so much that she just says, Oh, thanks, and then quickly returns to her. Serious state looks down into her phone and turns her attention away from you. She might think the complete opposite about herself and not allow the compliment to penetrate and you won't know. Did she hear it? Did she feel it? When you compliment a woman and you save very generic things like you look so pretty, you look so beautiful, you look great. These can be very effective, done in the right way, but they often bounce off of women because it's something they hear all the time or it feels inauthentic or they don't know what else to say. So if you're going to do it, pick something specific that you really appreciate, something unusual, something that's likely she hasn't heard countless times before.
Speaker 0 42:46 Now, an interesting way to use compliments is done in the reverse. When they come from women and observing complements as an indicator of interest, especially if she minimizes herself, I can never do that. Or you can do these things. I'll never be able to do sort of a compliment to you slash self-deprecation towards herself, which by the way, ladies, you don't have to put yourselves down and complimenting or uh, you could probably do it. You could do anything or I was really hard for me. They'd probably be super easy for you or my God,
[email protected], dot. I wish I could do that. Or you hear mention of things like, Oh, of course you'll be able to do it. Or yeah, you're you, why would that happen? Or of course you're going to make it work. You always get what you want or the fuck you're so good at that.
Speaker 0 43:30 Are you famous? You behave like someone who's famous, something where she's just certain that she's figured out a part of your personality. That's a very attractive part. And by the way, if you notice compliments from women tend to not be about your physical appearance. Like, Oh my God, your muscles are so big and bulging and beautiful or what a great ass you have or your pecs are so big, or all these things that we work on, you know as men to sort of look sizable or feel manly, the compliments from women often don't come in that direction.
Speaker 1 44:03 Yeah.
Speaker 0 44:03 I rarely like to say there's one way to do things, but when it comes to compliments, I do think there are a limited number of ways that are appropriate to take them. I think compliments are most effective for all parties involved. When the person receiving it takes a moment to receive it and to feel it. You could put your hand on your heart, you could look them in the eyes and thank them. You could take a few seconds to feel what they said to you. You could take a breath and you could say thank you. A lot of times women will say to me, I'm sure you hear it all the time, but, and then they'll say a compliment and I'll say, I don't hear it all the time. I don't because people always either think I hear it all the time or people are, I don't know, shy to say it or they think it might go to my head or they think, think, think, think, think, think, think.
Speaker 0 44:52 And so sometimes the compliment never surfaces but getting back to ways in which a woman demonstrates that she likes you when a woman speaks favorably of you or is admiring you or really is paying attention to what you say and takes it seriously, wants to learn from you. These also can be taken as strong indicators of interest and curiosity. Now I think men can learn a lot from the way women compliment men in life, in the bedroom, out of the bedroom. We often do and say the things that we think we like or we would like to have done to us. We touched the way we like to be touched. When we're expressing sentiments of love, we show them in the way we like to receive love, right? And so women will often compliment men the way they want to be complimented. Making observations about them as people, things that you admire or like or appreciate or very specific things about the way they take care of themselves.
Speaker 0 45:50 And of course how they're so different from all the other girls. But man, what do we do? We see these incredible breasts bursting out of their low cut top and we want to go say, Oh my God, you're so beautiful. We want to say it. And I say, you know, resist. Save that for when you're already having sex with her and you know what they look like in their entirety. Maybe she's having a hard day or she's feeling fat, or she's feeling challenged or she's feeling down and you see something about her that you love and you go, my God, you are so beautiful to me. Oh, that's when it has impact. Hey, hello, you're so beautiful. There's not a lot you can say other than thanks. So complimenting a woman's ability or agily or skill or intelligence or sense of style, the way she does to you can be really effective.
Speaker 0 46:43 But when you are a woman complimenting a man, you can in fact go to the physical, Hey, wow, my God, you have great abs. Oh, your shoulders are so broad and big, very strong and powerful. Wow. You have an incredible looking back. I do think that men received these in a much better way than women tend to when you point to a body part and compliment it. The other interesting thing to consider about physical beauty is a lot of what people are giving compliments to the receiver really had nothing to do with the creation of it or why it looks that way, especially when it comes to her chest or her face and being pretty and that sort of thing. So when you tell someone they're beautiful, it's like, yeah, I mean they were born that way and they've done some specific things to enhance their appearance by sitting in front of a mirror or under threading or waxing or with makeup or with hair dye, et cetera.
Speaker 0 47:35 So what are you really saying at the bottom of it? Wow, you really took a lot of time to manicure yourself to look this way. Or Hey, your parents have great genes. When it's about who they are, then it touches them as a person. Whereas men, of course men and women can both work out and make a big impact on the way they look. But very often men can isolate a body part, like make their shoulders look huge or their chest looks super big or their back. I guess girls do this with their butts and squats as well, but not exactly the best thing to say to someone. You meet them right off the bat. Hey, nice ass. But I mean if a girl came up to me and said, my God, you have an incredible chest or your abs are so beautiful, what a great compliment for a guy to receive.
Speaker 0 48:18 You know, men walk around most of the day not getting attention from women most of the time unless you have a certain look or a certain ability or a certain presence, these poor guys are just running around looking at you, pouring attention to you, admiring you. So compliments go a long way. Hmm. Now let's ease into number five. What about introducing sex and sexuality into your conversation? This is something we do as men. Yes. And also can be an indicator of interest from a woman when she feels comfortable and safe enough to joke around with you about sexual subjects or introduce flirtatious comments. Woo. This is a tricky one. What's the difference between someone who's pervy or grows or an appropriate, and someone who's hysterical and ballsy and thinks for him or herself just says what he feels is really raw but funny. So often the difference between creepy and sexy, as you well know, is literally whether the girl finds you sexually attractive or not.
Speaker 0 49:26 And that sucks, doesn't it? Why should you be the victim of someone else's discomfort simply because she's not attracted to you? At some point, there often is a place for good, delicious sexual innuendo, referencing sex and intimacy in your voice, in your words, in your play on words and puns in your jokes. Now, fundamentally, this is part of who I am. My preference is to do it in a classy, elegant, playful way that is not horribly overt or crass, blatant over the top, extreme, raunchy, shocking, and super-intense. Now all of those things can have their place. There's definitely a time when shock humor is appropriate, but when you're just starting to feel a woman out, when you're starting to get a sense for how she feels about you and you haven't made jokes like this yet, then subtlety is your friend. Subtlety is what can help you get her to spill over into laughter.
Speaker 0 50:31 You have to take her temperature. You have to feel the climate of the room. Are your surroundings super refined and elegant where something like this just would not be appropriate or does the fact that they are so nice and elegant around you make it so that you want to stiffen your resolve and crack something that might be slightly inappropriate or shocking if you're one on one with a girl, how can you begin to introduce sexual innuendo? I'll give you a silly example. I was in the kitchen with a few people the other night and someone said, would you like me to put this back in for you too? Which I promptly retorted. That's my favorite question. Yes please. Those types of casual off-handed quips that almost take the room a moment for it to sink in or wonder if you even intended to be sexual to begin with or even a super witty response can be really powerful and effective.
Speaker 0 51:20 Sexual jokes and banter also need not reference what you want to do to her and they don't have to directly reference genitals and overt sexual gestures, et cetera, et cetera. You can simply be planting the seed in general and that is a wonderful way to build attraction. Now you may have noticed throughout this section, I peppered in some sexual innuendo into the conversation that I'm speaking right now. If you picked up on it, great. If not, maybe go back and listen cause I tried to make them pretty obvious of where I was making reference to sexuality without saying to you, look, I want to do this to you or have sex with you. Sometimes a woman can be beyond obvious or extremely overt when she wants to express that she has sexual interest in you. Why is it useful for us to talk about the obvious so that you understand how far it can go so that you see what's possible so that you might be inspired to try some of these things yourself if you're a woman or see what you can do to activate this type of response.
Speaker 0 52:25 If you're a man, for example, just imagine maybe a woman lets you know and no one certain terms that she spent some time in the bathroom masturbating to you, fantasizing about you and coming while thinking about you. Hmm. What if she told you that she's always wondered what it'd be like to taste you or how you kiss or what your lips feel like or how badly she wanted to enjoy your flexibility or your strength. Hmm. These things can be so exciting for a man when a woman says them and speaks them when she voices her desire, so, so sexy. Women on the other hand I think get Oh really preoccupied with mystery making attempts in vain to maintain an air of mysteriousness, not wanting to be rejected, not wanting to give it all away and I really want to be clear here about two things.
Speaker 0 53:25 Are you really ever going to give it all away? Are you really that basic that you only have two tricks up your sleeve and once a man sees two things about you has sex with you or seizure boobs or something that you've got no more value in your life or have nothing more to offer? Of course you're not that basic. And men, I have to say it's really worth not being so married to this chase and that once a girl lets you have her that you're no longer interested. The chase really is an illusion. You can only chase for what, a few minutes, a few hours, a few days before the person who actually does want you but is playing. Coy lets you have her, but this idea of letting someone know what turns you on about them. When you feel like you have that rapport, you've built up the eye contact, you've seen there's desires, she's touching you.
Speaker 0 54:21 It's very clear there's some sexual energy there. Then you can start to express these things. I can just imagine what an amazing kisser you're going to be. I love the shape of your mouth. I could only imagine what it would feel like pressed against my lips. I had a very interesting dream about you last night. Oh, you again. I was thinking about you a lot last night actually. Oh really? What were you thinking about? You see it begets the next question and then if you see there's some curiosity she wants to know, then you go a little further and share. But if you say, I was thinking about you last night and she goes, Oh, that's nice. Or, Hmm or Oh really or worst yet just gives you a cold ass Brie Larson kind of look. Then you know, not to proceed. Okay. Time for some bonus content flirting and all of the pre Quidel activities we engage in prior to actually having sex are so interesting.
Speaker 0 55:16 They're so different in the animal kingdom and the bird kingdom with our aquatic friends, we all have these songs and dances that we go through, markers of interest, things that we look for to see and gauge the sexual fitness of a potential match in the animal kingdom. They don't think before they speak and they don't have to worry about consequences such as someone getting offended or someone getting upset, maybe even feeling a bit of embarrassment, but what they do have to worry about our other competing animals around them who might want to hurt them or kill them simply by flirting with or talking to the same animal. But when it comes to human interaction one on one, I think if flirting isn't something that comes naturally and easy to you, if it's something that you have to give a lot of thought to or you're unsure about, then starting with very obvious gestures from women when they make it very obvious to you, knowing what those are and what gives you the green light to approach is going to be very useful.
Speaker 0 56:13 And then from your end as a man using subtlety, starting off by being subtle, starting playful and gentle. But there has to be a big difference. And this is what gets people put in the friend zone too often is being too nice, too sweet, too cordial, too accommodating and not injecting any of that <inaudible> that <inaudible>, that intensity, that Manliness, that presence, that ruffling of feathers or getting her feathers all ruffled or getting her twitterpated. And you'll hear people who talk about things like seduction or how to get the girl. They'll often use elusive phrases such as you have to do it right and you go, yeah, okay, so what's the right way to do it? It doesn't matter what you say, it's how you deliver it. Yes, that's true. So what are you looking for when it comes to your delivery and feeling into if a girl likes you, it's always a volley back and forth.
Speaker 0 57:11 You give some energy, you receive some, you give some, you receive some. If you feel like you're constantly giving energy to a blank slate or a wall or someone who's just barely giving you the level of response that you like, including on the phone, in text message, move on. What are some general indicators of this? A total lack of eye contact? No smiling at all. No physical contact between the two of you. Short, quick, one word. Yeah. No, I don't know. Answers. Very simple responses. And anyone who's listening to this who says, Hey, that's me and I actually like people and I respond that way. You really want to consider yes, fundamentally changing who you are because why would you want your default behavior of showing interest in someone to match what most people's default behavior is when they're not interested in someone? That's what makes things very confusing.
Speaker 0 58:04 So if you're getting very little, she's not finding you amusing at all. She's not engaged or interested in details about you that almost anyone else would find boring. There's no touching going on. There's no curiosity. There's no wild blazing eye contact or flirtatious gestures, desire to move with you to a different part of the room or to go do something else onto the next. But if on the other hand, you're with someone who finds you funny, she's laughing at your jokes, she's amiable to your advances, and this is one of the additional signs you can look for in a woman. She'll go with you and accompany you on random little trips such as an errand. Or if you're up with a group of people by the beach and you go, Hey, do you want to walk with me down to the shore for a little bit?
Speaker 0 58:48 I'm going to leave this party and go to such and such. Would you like to come? Or you invite her to an event and there's a receptivity. Then you often have the green light. However, and women really need to be aware of this too. When a man asks you out or invites you to come hang out, especially one-on-one or to do things with some of his friends, this is a date unless otherwise specified. This is like, hopefully sex is going to happen at the end of the night kind of thing. If a man says, you know, I really could use some new friends. I'm not looking for anything sexual. I just want some, well then you know what it's all about. But when a man asks you out and as a woman you think this is just going to be something fun or this could be cool, or I am seeing someone right now, but this new guy flirting with me right now has it made any sexual references and he hasn't, you know, tried to have sex with me.
Speaker 0 59:39 So I'm just not going to say that I'm seeing someone else. I'm just not going to stop everything right here and now you're going to wait until something more aggressive happens. You're kind of setting yourself up for problems in the future with getting out of that. Why not let people know early on where you stand and what your interests are, and certainly things can change and build over time, but when you're up front with your communication, you can still be playful. You can still be mysterious. You can still be a little coy and shy and coquettish and all that fun stuff that makes sex so exciting. But being able to read someone easier in today's society is really what it's all about. Now, before we slip into the wild side, I also want to acknowledge another level of flirting. That can happen sometimes. It doesn't take words, it doesn't take gestures, it doesn't take action.
Speaker 0 00:32 It literally just takes being close to or in the vicinity of someone who is also sexually attracted to you and you just look at them. There's something about the way that your eyes lock where you know right away. This can be magical. This can be hot, this can be exciting. I would be remiss to say once you are sure about this and you're ready to make your move, that before you make physical contact, you do check in at least once to make sure you're on the same page. But the point is is there's all kinds of flirting and there's all kinds of sexual interest to be learned, but these are the primary pillars that will get you started. Lastly, I want to make a few comments about women and their wild side because a lot of this episode has been rather tame in terms of some very obvious signs to look for.
Speaker 0 01:31 It is worth mentioning that there are countless women who want you to get past their shield. They want you to get past their coldness. They want you to get past their shyness and see who's really under there. And then they consider that if you are that man, that you're sort of worthy of somehow having her or having sex with her, having a relationship with her because you were obstinate enough, strong enough, persistent enough or aggressive enough to get there. And the rewards can be very great indeed for some of the way that these women look, the feeling and excitement that can come from that can also be very arousing and very alluring and very addictive. But, but, but I to warn that this comes at a price, and what this creates are men who think that no matter what a woman says that her answer isn't in fact no, but it's just not yet because he hasn't convinced you or shown you his true colors, that if you only saw that, well then you'd change your mind.
Speaker 0 02:39 Or he hasn't demonstrated higher value yet. Or he can change her mind because she's just playing hard to get. And so number one, all women aren't the same in this regard. So you have women who it's like, yeah, I said no and a freaking means no and I'm going to press charges. If you take it further and then you have women who say no, but they want you to push it a little further, but they're not sure what they want, but they like the excitement of it. Maybe they just want some attention. Maybe they just want to make out. Maybe they just want you to touch them. Maybe they just want to reject you and you don't know what and where that line is. I think it's useful to avoid that type of stuff when you've met someone for the very, very first, second, third time when you really don't have a sense of are they crazy, are they totally nice and sweet and shy and they truly just need a little opening up?
Speaker 0 03:30 Are they over the top and domineering and dominant and are waiting for you to make the wrong move so they can sink their talons in? What is this person like? You can still inject a healthy dose of sensuality and sexuality into comments and conversations. You can still be yourself. You can still be playful, but in a way that both people are not going to be left feeling either cringy or super upset or like they really need to reject you. All right. That about sums it up. Certainly there are other ways that women can demonstrate their interest in you, but these are the big ones that demonstrate some true desire. In our next episode, as promised, we're going to get into the female sexual response cycle and what that is, once you've gone through this, once she's demonstrated her interest and vice versa, and you get to be intimate together, what happens to a woman's mind and body as she continues to get more and more and more turned on, and so I'm really excited to discuss those juicy details.
Speaker 0 04:30 Thanks for listening. As always, remember any and all of your contributions and donations make a difference. The place that you can do that is on our Patrion page. It's P, a, T R E O n.com forward slash. Closeness. It's a monthly contribution and yes, even one, two, three, four, five, 10 50 $10,000 a month. That all helps. And then of course, if you're interested in one on one intimate coaching, you want to really, really get to the bottom of any issues you might have or how to achieve new levels of pleasure with your partner. You can send an email, you can schedule an appointment for some one on one coaching, and we can make an impactful difference together. Thanks for listening and have a great day.
