[00:00:00] Welcome to the Closeness podcast. The following is based on both personal experiences and wisdom, as well as personal experiences that have been contributed to us. Generalizations are sometimes made for the sake of brevity, but are never meant to exclude or offend. You can support these podcasts by donating to our
[email protected] Closeness now, are you ready to come closer? Let's get started. Hi Everyone. Welcome back to another edition of Closeness. My name is Tari, and today we're exploring the question, who should initiate sex in the relationship?
[00:00:34] The next section is intended for your personal self reflection. So if you can be in a place where you can quietly reflect on some of these questions, that is strongly recommended, don't hesitate to stop the audio and or rewind and go back and evaluate the answers to these questions through the lens of different partners that you've been with over time. That being said, I invite you to consider in your mind and in your life who you think should initiate sex. If you think that should be you or if it should be your partner, whether that's your ex girlfriend or boyfriend, someone you're currently seeing, and then think for a moment. If your experience matches what you think it should be, then, of course, feel free to pause and give some thought to why you think it should be one way or another, why you think it should be you who initiates and why you think it should be your partner. Why should they? What is it about being a man or a woman that compels a person to have to, need to, or be obligated to be in a position where they should initiate? If you're honest with yourself, is it because of your beauty or the way you look? And now take a moment to reflect back how it's been for you over your past relationships and how it's been for you in most of your hookups or get togethers or casual affairs, if you've had any? If there's a difference? If you're a woman, ask yourself if you've been caught in the cycle of expecting a man to initiate. Because in your mind, this is what makes you feel desired or wanted, and that you believe that if you have to do it, then you must somehow not be wanted or desired.
[00:02:18] How do you initiate sex with your partner? Do you directly walk into the room and begin overtly initiating? Is there some sort of flirtation or sign that you think you're giving off to let someone know that you're ready? Do you have a sense of when your partner is doing this to you? Do you have a sense of if you're getting aroused during the day through messaging, videos, photos, comments, phone calls. Have you ever experienced yourself being in a constant state of arousal with the man or woman that you're dating. Have you ever felt that electricity all throughout the day? If that's the case and you're so turned on, have you then been able to be the initiator? When you're face to face, how do you initiate sexual intimacy with your partner? Do you give them a look or a glance? Do you put on something cute and think that's enough to create an impact? Do you just walk over to your partner and start making out with them, or touching them or caressing them or fondling them? And how is the response when you do something like that? So by now, you should have a pretty concrete idea of how you navigate your sexual and intimate life in the beginning, the things that you or your partner does to you. Consider if you like those things and if you would want to change them. Take a moment to explore your past relationships and think of a few different people and how you were in that dynamic.
[00:03:48] All right, good. I've got some thoughts around the word should. When we suggest that someone ought to be doing something that we are perfectly capable of, or should be doing something because they are a man or woman, or because it's traditionally what's always been the case, I think that's where we get into a bit of trouble. My definitive beliefs on the subject are that both men and women have the opportunity, privilege, and ability to be regularly initiating some sort of intimacy play flirtatiousness. TherE should be a constant back and forth. It's okay if there's a dominant person or someone who tends to lead the experience. Usually that's the masculine. But to me, there's an unspoken agreement in relationship. And by the way, you enter into a relationship the moment you start having sex with someone, whether you like it or not. You can call it a relationship. You can call it monogamous or non monogamous. But there's a bit of an unspoken rule that goes something like this. If you're sleeping together more than a handful of times, both parties on a regular basis must be receptive and open and welcoming of advances, initiations, come ons, and sexuality from their partner. Both people must have a willingness, a receptivity, and a desire to be intimate, sexual and open together. To some, that might sound obvious, to others it might sound strange. But what I'm saying is you can only go down the road of rejecting your partner or not having sex. With them, or not being receptive and open for so long before the whole thing dies. Now, obviously, that's barring your own personal and emotional desires to not be intimate or not be touched. And you do come first, and you obviously have the say so as to who will be touching you if you're going to be intimate or not, and so forth. But assuming that you want to be with this person, and assuming that you enjoy spending time with them and you are in relationship, there's a bit of an obligation to be receptive and open towards the other person's advances. And that has to be in place, because if it's not, you risk losing your partner. And if you don't believe me, just imagine that for one, two, three or five times when you make a move on your partner that they completely and totally reject you or aren't willing to have sex with you. How many times would it take of you feeling rejected by the other person sexually before you would either want out of the relationship, feel really insecure or undesirable yourself, want to have a major serious talk, or think that your relationship needed some serious attention? Women, for example, take note of absolutely everything. You are so much harder than you usually are, or not as hard as you usually are, or you don't seem as into it tonight as you usually do, or it feels like you're distracted. And all of these little things can pull her right out of feeling, like sharing intimacy with you if she doesn't feel your full, undivided presence that she's used to having. And if you've listened to some previous episodes. I talk about how to tell when someone's got their foot out the door, if they're just curious, if they're not so into it. And these type of signs can happen and come very quickly and can be very obvious. Now, it's not that you need to be in the mood or ready for sex 24/7 all the time, anytime your partner wants it. And always be flirting and always be playing. No, I mean, there's a time and place for everything, but it's more that your general receptivity towards intimacy and sexuality, to me, always needs to be open, curious, bubbling and possible. Because the moment it's not, and there's leeway here, but more or less the moment it's not, a lot of insecurities start coming into play. And frankly, these are the very beginning traces and evidence of what eventually becomes a sexless marriage if you're not careful. Is he into this? Does she still like me? Is he cheating? On me? Does he have his eye on someone else? Did I just get rejected? So now I'm not going to initiate sex anymore? Do I feel rejected? So I'm going to withhold sex the next time he or she tries to be intimate with me? To put this a different way, it's not about having to have sex every day or all the time, and if you don't, there's something wrong. But when you have this clean understanding that you put each other first, even if you are just having sex and there's no other part of the relationship, there has to be an unspoken or spoken understanding that you're there and you're giving yourself to each other, a constant permission, a constant availability and commitment to your partner. Of course, barring and excluding moments when you're not in the mood, not turned on, and your own personal boundaries of when you do and do not want to have sex. Now that flies in the face of how relationships often start, with being distant, not opening up your schedule, not being available. All of this, in addition to creating tension, also creates a lack of trust and a lack of understanding what you have, and it also can make the eye wander when you're sleeping with someone. There has to be a sense of availability so that both parties know that they can feel safe when they make the first move. As a sidebar, I think something that's to be avoided in relationship or any interaction that's sexual, is someone having sex with someone else because they think that person wants to, or it will turn them on, or it's what they want every once in a while. I can understand a compromise if you're willing and it's not a big deal to you and you're choosing consciously to do that. But I prefer and request and downright expect that my partner is only having sex with me when she also wants to or is receptive to the idea of doing so. She doesn't mind if we go through the process of me turning her on and getting her to that place and vice versa. Now that might sound really obvious, but have you ever had sex with your partner before just because they really wanted to and you weren't in the mood? This is the story of many people's lives. Those little concessions happen all the time and I think can be an entire subject unto themselves because it really comes down to our boundaries and what we think our obligation is as a boyfriend or girlfriend or other. Are we expected to have sex with someone just because we are with them? Being in a relationship to some degree carries that expectation and certainly sometimes it's nice to do things to please your partner or because you love to make them feel good. But there has to be a really deep understanding of yourself to know when you're doing that because you want to and enjoy pleasing them when you're doing that because it's a concession and you're just giving into something. And when you're doing it because you actually want sex as well and you're turned on as well. There have been a handful of very fortunate times in my life where I've been with a partner who's also very much a pleaser. That's someone who takes a lot of pleasure and joy in making their partner feel good. You'll know right away which one you are, if you're more of a taker and a receiver, or if you're more of a giver and a pleaser. Of course, it's always nice to strike the perfect balance of both. And usually if you're on one or the other side, you're working on receiving more or giving more. So I enjoy making my partner feel good, and she really enjoys making me feel good. And sometimes we'll wind up in this sexual predicament where I'm doing something for her because I think she likes it. She's allowing me to do it to her because she thinks I love it. And now both of our personalities are sort of in the wings while our bodies are acting out these things that we think the other person wants and needs. We're not even doing something that we genuinely want. We're doing it because we think the other person likes it and the other person is only doing it or receiving it or experiencing it because they think we like it. Can you imagine what this creates? So now we are sacrificing ourselves for what we think is the better good because we want to make our partner feel good and we want to please them. And they're not even into it. They're doing it for us. And when you hear that, it has to register in your head on some level. Well, that seems silly. It may seem like two goods make an even greater good. But what winds up happening is there's, on a very subtle level, this sacrifice and concession. I think in sexual relationships it's really healthy to avoid that as much as you can. Now, this is really subtle material because it's wonderful to be pleased by someone, and it's a wonderful gift to please them. It's exciting on so many levels. Just make sure your heart and your energy is into it that you want to be doing it. When someone's doing something to you and it feels like they're doing it for you, ask yourself, do I even want this right now? Do I feel guilty about expressing that it's not working for me or that I don't need it, or I'd prefer something else and feel free to communicate that. Let's put this into a real world example. Let's say both partners enjoy giving oral sex, but only one of them likes to receive it. So if I'm with a woman who loves, loves, loves to give head, she takes pleasure in it, makes her feel great, she makes me feel great. That's all perfect and wonderful, but what happens if I really love pleasing her, too? If I love and enjoy going down on her, but she's not big into receiving oral sex? For most women, it should only take a moment of thinking about that for you to say, well, it's my body, I don't want that, I don't like that, therefore, we shouldn't do it. And I would agree that's the correct response. But oftentimes when you're with someone who's very giving and very loving, they're willing to make that concession because they know that their partner likes it and enjoys it so much. Now, to be clear, and this is another level altogether, a relationship or a connection, or someone who you are regularly seeing, not just once or twice or thrice, is the perfect container with which to explore and discuss these things. At the end of the day, you can like and dislike whatever you please. But usually there are reasons why. Maybe you've never had the experience of someone doing it to you the way that works for you. Maybe someone's been too rough or too gentle or too sloppy, or hasn't known the right technique to open you up and make you feel good. Maybe you've got your own insecurities about how your body looks or tastes or feels or what's going on, and you're too embarrassed to allow someone to be down there, or you're not comfortable sharing yourself that way with someone. And that can be a beautiful opportunity to discover more closeness and bring you closer together with someone who really wants to please you and make you feel good. And of course, that has to happen at your own level and when you're comfortable. But it's worth looking at the why?
[00:14:49] Why do I feel uncomfortable with this? Why do I not like it? Is it just an old belief? Has it served me in my past? Is it serving me now? Can I be open to it without compromising myself? And I think those are beautiful questions to look at.
[00:15:05] All these things are so critical because it's very easy for sex to get derailed and very easy for people to stop initiating or suddenly think that they shouldn't anymore because of these little situations and events that happen during sex. You're either going to come into a relationship with the idea that you should or should not be initiating sex or something might happen to you in the relationship that shifts your belief about that. But more often than not, people form habits really, really easily and quickly. Patterns ways of living that are on autopilot. So you really want to be aware when someone starts showing signs of, for instance, lack of interest in sex so that you can have a conversation and both continue to initiate with each other because you want to have sex or make love to each other. All right, now consider for a moment that you are a woman who believes that a man should do the initiating and that you're wrapped up in the belief that this means when he does that you feel attractive and desired. First and foremost, I always ask and invite people to look at their beliefs that say a man or a woman should do something. If that's based on an insecurity, if it's based on feeling not worthy, if it doesn't happen this way, if you don't get hit on, if you don't get complimented, if someone doesn't initiate sex with you first. So if you do want to feel wanted and desired, and you think that's what happens when a man initiates, consider this. What men find interesting sexually is generally immediate genital stimulation, immediate blowjobs and kissing, and instant sexual gratification.
[00:16:45] If most men are oriented in that direction, is that the way you want someone constantly initiating sex with you? If his standard default way is the way it's going to be regularly and from now on, is that what you like? If you've ever thought to yourself or yearned for being taken a certain way, have you ever communicated that to him? If the way it's happening is the default way that you're having sex because you don't want to initiate, because that makes you feel a certain way, but the way you're being initiated with isn't all that fantastic, what are you going to do about this? Don't you as a woman, have many more ideas about what would be sexy or fun or a great way to flirt or a fun way to start something off? Of course you do. Women's fantasies are so much more extravagant and interesting and full of emotion and color than a man's fantasy. These are things to be communicated and explored. Does it really mean that you are not sexy or a sexual being or desired? If your man is not constantly initiating with you, do you really believe that it pulls him out of his masculine power or manly ability? If he can't pounce on you all the time, or if you softly push him back against a wall, or if you climb on top of him and straddle him, or if you get behind him and nibble on his ear, or if you reach around his waist or his chest, or slide your hand up from the inside of his inner thigh, up his jeans. Come on, now.
[00:18:12] And then. Finally, here's one more thought. Usually when I talk to couples about being more adventurous, and I'll just pick a very strong, polarizing topic. Let's say it's having a threesome. The number one response that most women have is, oh, no, I don't share. I just like one on one. And I only want to do it this way. And that is a valid response. But if you're open to this sort of thing as a couple, is that how it has to be every single time, day in and day out, every week, every month, every year for the rest of your life until you die? Or is there Some leeway for a new experience or to try something different once in a while? Now, a threesome, you're going to get a feeling in your stomach right away. That's going to be hell yes or hell no. Never. Never. But when it comes to initiating, think about it that way. You need your man to initiate every single day for the rest of your life until you die. And you can never do it. And this is the only way you're going to feel validated and loved. And if so, help you God, you just initiated once and it didn't go as planned, or you didn't get the result that you'd get. You'd forever be wounded and would never be able to initiate or flirt again. Is this who you are as a person? Or can you pepper something in? Can you sprinkle in some feminine magic, some love? Some new ways of flirting or new ways of interacting sensually? Some interesting things that you might think your guy might like, or just tell him things that you would like or show him through the clarity of your example. Teaching through the clarity of your example is one of the most beautiful things that you can do. I do think a lot of this has to do with a woman's fear of rejection, which also would lead her to not feeling sexy or desired or approachable. And it's really important to know the signs of the difference between actually being rejected. Meaning, I don't want you, you're not attractive to me, stop touching me. Which is almost never the case. And just being in a different state of mind, being engaged with something else or a different hobby, or wanting to get something done, or working on a project. This is just when we are in our masculine and focused on something else. It's important to understand the difference between being rejected and when someone is just genuinely busy or not in the mood. What does it look like when someone's just engaged with something else? Their focus is just very intently on fixing their car, building that table, painting the house, and yes, even sometimes watching a football game. And while I personally cannot imagine Putting sports and televised activities on a higher priority or level than making love or having incredible sex with or magnetically fucking my girlfriend, I do observe many, many men making this their focus because it allows them to just not think and just be engaged with something very easily that doesn't require a lot of emotional output. What do signs look like when someone's not interested in having sex with you? They withdraw. They're not as responsive to you. Some eye contact is missing. Maybe they're not as affectionate or cuddly as usual. They're not as friendly or as warm. Maybe their body language is downright oriented in a different direction or turned away from you. They feel like they're going through the motions, but it's almost like they're not there. Never continue sex if you feel something like this and really be able to decipher when someone is having a bad day or a bad time or a bad experience that's got nothing to do with you versus when it's got everything to do with you. I've always found that when someone has an issue with you, there's a lack of intimacy between the two of you as a couple. But when someone is upset with a life situation, something that happened at work or with a friend, and they need someone to listen to them or be with, there's still a level of closeness and intimacy that's there while you listen and support. It's really important to understand these signs as well, in case someone is ever not honest with you. Dramatic changes in the relationship could indicate cheating if someone becomes overly accommodating than they usually are, or if you see them pull back significantly. I've seen it happen in relationships where, say, a woman cheats on a man, and then she comes back to her original relationship and is even more resentful towards him or more frustrated by him because someone else has pleased her. We're a little off topic, but let me repeat that one time. That means a person cheats on their partner, and when they come back to their partner, they treat them worse, even though they were the ones who just cheated. So it's good to watch out for signs. And it's also very challenging to always be on the same page sexually. How is it even possible for two people to want sex at the same frequency with the amount of things we have going on in our lives? Even in my own life, I think of myself as a very sensual, in touch, open, sexual person who really enjoys having regular sex with my partner. And yet I can't begin to tell you how often I feel like I come across women who have these sexual appetites that are almost insatiable. It's almost like they're a fountain or a waterfall with no end to the level of pleasure that they can receive. A woman almost feels rejuvenated and more alive, and there's just no end. It's like, why would you want to stop? I can think of so many times where I feel really happy and satisfied with how our night of sex went. Maybe I went down on her and she came a couple of times, and then we had sex, and she came several more times, and then we rested and had more sex, and she came several more times.
[00:23:44] But for some women, that just isn't enough.
[00:23:47] There's no terminus, there's no ending to how much they can take. I'm always so curious about where that end place is, so I'll try to take it there, but it's like, do you want to have to walk funny to be fully satisfied. If you do it so much that you're so sore down there that you can barely walk or you can't take it anymore, are you then satisfied, or are you just bummed out that your equipment stopped working, but you still want to go for more? It boggles the mind. Regularly I'll even see a woman lying in a puddle of her own nectar, still ready and eager for more, looking up and smiling, ready to go again when you are. And yes, this is amazing and beautiful, but I'm highlighting a point, hopefully in an amusing way, and that's that we've got this stereotype that it's the man who is apparently always supposed to have the higher libido, want sex more, initiate sex, and be the one. But I'm finding more and more women are starting to feel comfortable admitting or showing or allowing their bodies to get to the point where it's obvious the evidence that women want sex, need sex, enjoy sex, love it, can't get enough of it, even want it more than men, that they can go longer, respond more, feel more, come more, give more, receive more, take more, and enjoy more is absolutely incontrovertible. So what does a partner who has that type of a voracious appetite need? Do they need more than one partner? Do they need you to always initiate sex? Does it fall on them to do so because they want it more? Or do they need someone who enjoys marathon sex or having sex for 7 hours a day? Then these are things you look at. It's like, how often do you want to be having sex? Multiple times a day? Multiple times a week? You start to see that all these different factors come into play. When we're talking about who should initiate. If a man can come maybe once or twice or thrice in a day, if that's important to him, but a woman can come indefinitely, does it make sense that a man should always be initiating? And look, these comments are from a guy who does most of the initiating. And yet I can still say that I appreciate when there's balance. So just like we said in the beginning, as we begin to bring part one of this episode to a close, take time to consider the ways in which you do or do not initiate sex. Not just right now, and not just on the first time, but also in your past. Do you know how valuable it would be regardless of the phase of relationship that you're in, whether you just met them or you're knee deep in it for years and years? To say, babe, when you do XYZ, it makes me feel shut down and rejected and put out. It makes me feel like I can't initiate with you when you're cold with me, when you ignore me, when you pretend to not hear me, when you disregard my advances, or you can't even tell that I'm making advances? Do you know that that makes me feel closed off?
[00:26:42] Wow. I know for me personally, I couldn't be with someone who just expected me to initiate all the time, even though I initiate most of the time or who thought they should initiate all the time. I would need to have some sort of balance. I think that a partnership has to do with really loving each other, wanting, yearning for each other, being hungry for the other person. And again, of course, we're not always in the mood for that sort of thing, but I think it's really important to know how much sex each of you wants on a regular basis and to be able to communicate that to one another. Do you feel like any of your partners have been able to unlock your sexual potential and that you know how far you can take things and how much you want? If you're in a relationship with someone where it's not equitable, where the inequity is large, where you have a larger appetite or your partner does, how do you handle these things together? Do you communicate about them? You must. And most importantly, do you know what would make you genuinely, authentically happy?
[00:27:47] I'll see you in a few moments on part two.
[00:27:50] Thank you for listening. We hope you've enjoyed this immensely. You can learn more about the closeness, lifestyle and movement by visiting getcloseness.com. Please consider donating now or
[email protected].
[00:28:05] Closeness until next time, stay close.
