[00:00:00] Welcome to the Closeness Podcast. Are you ready to come closer? Let's get started. Hi, welcome back. You're listening to part two of who should initiate sex. My name is Tari. I'm the host of the show. Now let's move into a very dark and dangerous territory that everyone will be familiar with, and that's called rejection and how we handle it. In all my years of speaking to people about sex and intimate, see, I found two things. Number one, no one handles rejection well. I do an entire episode on this over several parts where we dive deep into not only how can you handle rejection well, but also how to reject someone with tact and class. And then number two, rejection. When it comes to women, I rarely come across a woman who says I can handle rejection well. I don't mind it at all. It doesn't hurt my feelings. I don't take it personally. And I'm talking about sexual rejection, where you think you've tried to have sex or be intimate or be sensual with someone and you perceive that you'rejected or you feel like you really are. I'm making the point that that for a woman, seems to be taken much more personally than it often does for a man. You know by now that for the most part, my philosophy is that women don't like to stick their pinky toe into the well of rejection. They internalize it more than men tend to do. They make it mean something about who they are rather than just letting it be and moving on to the next or trying a different approach. Take, for example, someone choosing your friend over you in a bar setting or a club, or being in any situation where a man that you find attractive is giving someone else an enormous amount of attention and you're not getting any of it. Now, you might not be a competitive woman, you might not care about who's getting the attention, but I think we all know that when we like someone and the stakes are high and that person shows no interest in us, sure, that hurts for any woman in terms of not being attractive enough or pretty enough or desirable enough. And I just want to say that you can't please everybody. You can't be pretty enough or desirable enough to attract every man in the universe. Nor is it ever even about being the most pretty or the most attractive or the most desirable. There's so many qualities that go into being desired. However, if you are one of those women who constantly needs attention, who's constantly posting on Instagram or Snapchat half naked photos of yourself, or pressing record and videotaping your entire body in silence while you stare at the camera. Stop it. That's petty, that's silly, and it's absolutely meaningless. Pro tip. I think with regard to the sheer quantity of times that a man will get rejected on a daily basis. We have a bit of a tougher skin, whether we like that or not. But what I see happen so often in relationships and marriages, especially in this day and age, where consent and getting the green light to go forward is so important. When a woman begins to reject a man, whether it's by being scornful, withholding sex on purpose because she wants something, or is disgusted by her man, or is turned off, or has found herself in a position where she's never in the mood, or feels like she's not treated right, or feels like she's not taken care of. This is really treacherous territory as well. Not only because once a woman becomes a little scornful in her rejecting, it's very unlikely that a man will keep trying, and in fact, will feel downright guilty and ashamed for trying. But also now this person is involved with you, and they're traditionally not allowed to be involved with anyone else. And in most relationships, there's unspoken rules of how you shouldn't even be looking at anyone else or talking to anyone else. You're only supposed to have sex with this one person, but for whatever reason, whatever tension is there, you're being rejected and sex is not happening. This makes many, many men feel terrified or afraid or nervous or uncomfortable initiating, because now they're going to be scorned, rejected, insulted, degraded, put off by their own woman. Especially if that woman is looking at sex with her man as a chore or an obligation or something she has to or needs to do, and that hasn't been communicated together yet, then she's acting a certain way during sex. He's perceiving this. And now you have two people who are in a committed, monogamous relationship, in a sexless marriage, who aren't allowed to be intimate with anyone else. And that feels like entrapment. Same thing happens in reverse, except oftentimes a man won't even know or recognize that he is rejecting his woman, or his woman will take his nonchalant behavior as rejection. That's very critical to know. And I want to emphasize that again, and I'll give an example as well. I'm suggesting that oftentimes it's very obvious when a woman rejects a man sexually in the way a woman might remove her man's hand from her breast or her shoulder, the way she may shrink away from sex, or turn her body language overtly away from you, or look down, or turn her head. There's very perceptible signs. Oftentimes when a man is perceived as rejecting his woman, he might not even realize. Note that I'm not saying that he's rejecting you, but he might not even realize that you're feeling rejected. So, for example, I'm sure there have been countless times where women, you have put on something sexy, but your man was too busy watching the game, or that you came to sit on his lap and give him a kiss, but he was really into watching something on TV or doing something on his phone. And that didn't feel like a sexual initiation. It just feels like friendly contact. You add that to the fact that a woman's way of initiating is generally not to take a man by his lapels and push him softly back against a wall and start making out with him. It might be a flick of the hair, a glance, a look, a very subtle hint, a caress, or even just stopping in for a kiss that for a man may just feel that you're being friendly or coming in to say hello. Once a woman does one of these things once or twice or thrice, and perceives that she's being rejected or isn't met with what she expects to have happen, or doesn't get the response that she wants, it is extremely, extremely rare that she's going to keep trying to do it because of this paralyzing fear of rejection, and usually because how a woman internalizes it about what it means about her. Is she not turning him on? Is she desirable as a woman, which is what most women want to be? I think that most women don't want to or feel like they have to initiate. So let's take this to a deeper, more probing level, because I know this drives a lot of men crazy. Have you ever tried to initiate with your man by reaching down between his legs and discovered he's not hard, and therefore almost haphazardly flicking his cock away, or just moving your hand quickly away because he's not instantly rock hard and you've made that mean something about his desire for you? Have you gone in to kiss or nibble or hug or caress, and he has yawned, or just stayed focused on what he's doing, or didn't instantly turn all of his attention onto seducing you and making love to you, so you pulled back? Have you made less than 30 seconds of overt gestures, such as some light caressing on his stomach in bed? Maybe before bed or in the morning and then thrown in the towel because you've decided he must not be interested because he hasn't pounced on you. I think somewhere in your minds, ladies having to, or even having the privilege to initiate sex, bumps up against your desire to be taken, ravished, adored, and desired. Because sometimes there's a thought in your mind that says, well, if I'm this pretty or this beautiful or this desirable, why would I have to chase or initiate? It should just come to me. A very dangerous thing to think that can get you into hot water, because that is so. So conditional.
[00:08:08] Side note, eliminating words like have to or should out of your vocabulary is extremely useful. If you just initiate, both people could and should always be initiating. If you're involved with someone, it'll help keep your relationship alive. Many women believe that a man should initiate sex. So if a man has to initiate and a woman has regularly rejected him, in your mind, what is he supposed to do? Regularly continue to test and push your boundaries, overcome your rejection and push past it, and not accept no for an answer. Is that what we're moving towards? Firmly acknowledge your no and your rejection and not try to hit on you anymore? Then how or when will you ever have sex? If you're not initiating and he's honoring your boundaries, how do you share intimacy? If there's an expectation that a man is the one who has to lead that department and you reject him, and you want to feel desired, and you feel like he should be the one to know somehow.
[00:09:16] And this is why I regularly go back to saying, because sex can be so beautiful, but also so volatile, there really has to be, as often as you can make it so, an ease around sexual communication and sexual interaction with each other when it comes to the partner and person that you're interested in. Because as soon as it starts to get tarnished, it begins a downhill spiral about when to have sex and who initiates it. I also want to say publicly and for the whole world to hear, I love, love, love when a woman that I'm highly sexually attracted to initiates sex. I love when she initiates intimacy. I love when she initiates closeness. I love when she initiates by wanting to please herself or please me in some way, or put my head between her legs, or go down on me or come give me kisses, or initiate some sort of loving contact. I find that extremely attractive because I can't stand the game and I can't stand the chase. And frankly, if you've listened to other episodes again, you know, I don't even believe in a chase. You can only chase someone one time, and then you've had her. So you chase and chase and chase, and then you win, and she has sex with you once, and then you've theoretically conquered. So then what? What about the next time you want to have sex? You've already had her, you've already chased and caught her. So are you going to chase again? Is a woman forever meant to be a mouse, constantly running away, forever shy and coy and mysterious, and never give herself over to you, and you have to hunt each time? It just seems so silly. So, for me, authentic appreciation is when a woman and a man are initiating together. Together means sometimes the woman initiates and sometimes the man does it. And you strike an almost equal balance, or a balance that feels extremely comfortable to both parties. Now, in my own personal life, I also find that I do most of the leading. So I will initiate and I will begin stuff. But that's also based on openness and sense of receptivity from my partner. If I'm going to come in with eye contact or kiss, or a warm, juicy hug, or some soft body caresses or a bite or a lick or whatever it is that we initiate with, I also need to see that there's receptivity from my partner and a willingness and a wanting to go forward. What do you do to get in the mood? Well, you have to tell your man what you need if he has the same way of initiating over and over and over again. But you're never all the way turned on. Especially if you're not turned on by the time sex and penetration happens and you're really not turned on by the time he finishes. What's the point? To me, what I find challenging is I know so many women in the world who don't require an enormous amount of stimulation if it's done right. And I don't mean to create any mystery by saying right. I just mean you've got so much sexual chemistry that she's wet just being near you or talking to you, or the way you kiss her, that there's not even a need for all this foreplay and stimulation and hours of teasing and this and that. But then what you read in all the magazines and the books is stimulate and do foreplay for hours and hours and hours. That's one way to do it. But I just want to let you all know there's also a way to sensually electrify your woman without having to go through all of that. But there's always more than one way to eat a peach. So we're talking about both people needing to see a willingness and a wanting to be turned on by the other person. It really falls on both people first, the person initiating to be patient and curious and understand what it takes to turn on their partner, but also for your partner to communicate. Hey, I really would love to be touched and caressed right now, or I would love if you kiss my neck right now, or can we just cuddle? Before we get things started, I need to switch gears in my mind. Can we go for a walk? Can we clear my head?
[00:13:20] Sometimes initiating sex in the middle of the afternoon or the morning can be the hottest thing in the world. And other times it's like I'm just too much in my head or in my own space, or I just got off a stressful phone call. And you need to be able to transition that. So, as with anything, it's communication. But when you hear me say that, this is another loaded term where everyone says, you have to communicate. It's all about communication. Everyone says that word, but do you know how to do it? Do you communicate effectively? And does your partner understand you when you're communicating your needs and desires to them? You know, I'm not a big fan of mind reading and expecting the person to know, yes, you can come across someone who can do that. Yes, it's always nice when someone does know what you want and need. But how nice is it if you've been involved together for two weeks, two months, two years, or 20 years to be able to authentically understand what your partner wants and needs and to be able to give it to them without sacrifice or compromise. Wow. So to sum up, I think both men and women need to initiate with each other, and I think both parties need to be very careful about rejection and when you're not in the mood and if it has to do with your partner and being able to communicate why and what you need? Because there's nothing worse than being in a committed, monogamous relationship and not being able to have sex with the person you love, the person you're with. Oh, and by the way, you can't have sex with anyone else. And there's this od relationship that takes place. From there. You focus maybe on the kids or life or your kind of roommates, and then before you know it, you haven't had sex in a month or two or three. And I know some of you are like, oh, my God, that would never happen to me. And some of you are saying, yeah, or three or four or five or I'm having sex once a month. You have someone who's committed to you, who wants to be with you, who wants to share time with you. It's really in your best interest to explore that. Lastly, I want to touch on how you initiate sex with your partner. Typically and historically, it's not going to excite a woman if you go right for her breasts and butt and genitals and just kiss her and boom, have her right then and there. It's almost always in your best interest to start slow, take your time, let it build, and then ramp up the energy bit by bit. To be fair, I can tell you countless times that that has been true for me, where I've experienced that a woman is instantly turned on by those things and doesn't want or even require enormous amounts of foreplay. It requires a lot of reading, deep listening, and ramping up the intensity of your interaction in a way that is exciting her and turning her on in a different way that's not traditional. You'll often know you're there when she quotes Paris Hilton and says, that's hot. But historically it's true. That's not the case. Whereas men, if you go down on them, if you initiate sexual activity right away and it's very genital strong and visually focused, that's a great way to turn them on. So it's important to know your sort of sex language or love language when it comes to how you like to be initiated with. If you're a man and a woman is initiating like that with you, it's really important that you know that she's turned on as well by doing these things for you. Maybe she's doing something for you, but she needs more warming up. This is so often the case. She might be making out with you, she might even be going down on you. And some women find that incredibly enticing and erotic. They're wet instantly, and others, it's like, this is what she thinks you want and what she thinks you like. And therefore you should be looking at her in her eyes, her body language, and how open she is and how wet she is. So, taking that example, if you're intimate with someone and you've made out and you're kissing, then you're naked and she's gone down on you. Don't assume that right away. She's ready for sex without checking or asking. And you can check that out by softly moistening a fingertip, by either licking it yourself or softly putting it in her mouth, and then gently putting your finger down there to see what's going on. And even that might not always be an indicator. So you can verbally say, does it turn you on to be down on me like this? Can I watch you touch yourself while you're doing this? What else would excite you while you're doing this? And of course, listen to the episode on how to go down and then do so.
[00:17:47] Lastly, I'll leave you with this. There is really no limit to how close you can get to someone, to how well you can know them. And there's so many physical things that can actually change, things that maybe a person or partner thinks they didn't even like before they met you. But then as you begin to open him or her and you begin to share incredible sexual experiences with him or her, you see that their body actually changes for you. It's incredible what happens, I find, especially to a woman's body once she starts trusting and relaxing and easing into it. I'll give you an exciting example. Once I was with a beautiful young woman, and it became clear right away that we had really, really unbelievable, delicious sexual chemistry. But to put it simply, she felt 100% certain that throughout her life, she would not be able to handle men of a certain size. In fact, this was a big turnoff for her. She also felt 100% certain that she did not like deep, probing, penetrative sex because she was only a certain size and length, and that would hurt her, and that it was actually a deal breaker if someone was of a certain size. So here's a situation, and I'm sure many of you can relate, where you feel like you are anatomically made one way. It's just not going to work any other way. And physically, there's this limitation, however, with a little bit of time, and by time, I mean days, which translates to, quite literally, hours of penetrative sex, her body actually began to shape and mold around mine. So while our initial sessions were incredible and juicy and delicious, but I couldn't go even all the way in without her jumping or feeling like it hurt. Suddenly, after a handful of experiences together, she's drawing me all the way in, taking me all the way inside of her and taking me all the way to my limit. Hear that? One more time. Her body, literally on the inside, made room for me.
[00:20:01] Feel into how exciting this is. Imagine you feel that your body is one way, and then after opening and sharing and connecting and having deep, passionate, connected sex, your body begins to expand easily. It opens, shifts, and almost stretches out to make room for your partner, and not only exclusively on a physical level, but it actually becomes more pleasurable. Something that was painful or excruciating, or a total stopping point before is now something entirely different. It's more carnal, it's more primal. You want all of that inside of you. Rather than having a boundary that initially hurt, now you're actually craving the complete opposite. And this story fundamentally illustrates why it can be so important to, of course, acknowledge someone's no and their boundaries, and meet them where they are, but to also be able to explore how things can be more pleasurable if you want to move beyond that. And both parties can soften trust and open up to each other. And this doesn't just come into play with questions of size and depth. It might occur if you're normally running dry, if you are so wet all the time that you can barely feel sensation because your body responds that way. It might be with a certain position or pose that you were initially closed off to. It might even be with something more elaborate or exotic, like oral sex or anal sex. You might find that where you've hated something, or been scared of something, or fearful of it in the past, that being loved into it can not only shift your perspective, but help make you love and crave it. The closeness becomes exquisite. Sometimes you think your openness and your sexuality is at its limit, or where it's always been, or this is what your body does. But the more you relax into someone, the more you trust them, the more open you are for them. You can make a change in your mentality and your physiology. Imagine all the limiting beliefs that you might have around sex or your body, or how you feel about yourself pleasing your partner who initiates all of this stuff.
[00:22:23] And imagine the possibility of not just letting go of some of those limiting beliefs, or letting go of some of those feelings, but being able to actually transmute them to alchemize them, if you will, into something that turns you on, and something that you want and crave and downright need for all of your future sexual endeavors. I find that incredibly special, sacred and exciting.
[00:22:52] To sum up and leave you with some final words, it's been the message of this entire podcast that both parties, male and female, female and female, man and man, both have to come to a place where they can initiate with each other, or where they are receptive to each other's advances. Especially if you've got two introverts or two shy people interacting. And this actually comes up in some lesbian relationships as well. Or when girls are dating girls. If neither person is used to making the first move. Someone's got to do it, and it can be fun. It can really be exciting, especially if you know that the person is into you. It's really rare that you're going to be rejected. If you're having trouble with rejection, I strongly recommend that you listen to some of my episodes on how to say no, how to reject someone appropriately so their feelings aren't hurt, and how to take rejection in a way that doesn't limit you but actually empowers you. We fear rejection in this world as if it's something that kills us or hurts us or harms us, and it's really just a mental state or a mental belief. Someone said something or did something that made me feel rejected or dejected or put off or turned off. And what does that really mean? It's just a thought process, a pattern. Something that someone said to you, who cares? There are many ways to appreciate and love yourself, and being dependent on how someone responds to you in a moment should not be the end all, be all place where that exists. And finally, if you are in a loving relationship with someone and you are regularly turning down sex, evaluate how that's destroying your partnership. If both parties want to be celibate, that can work. But if only one person is feeling non sexual and the other person is feeling repressed, angry, rejected, hurt, powerless, upset, you might consider bringing that relationship to an end, or strongly exploring where your desires can meet in the middle so that both people can get their needs met. I find that at the end of the day, oftentimes people who are non sexual, and by the way, there is a whole subset of non sexual, just truly asexual people who have no interest in sex. But I think more often than not, for many of us, it's because we haven't been ignited or turned on in the right way. And once someone discovers that in you, or you help them discover it in you, or you share in the best way you can what turns you on and what excites you, what soothes you and what relaxes you. When you are loved in the way that you want to be loved and enjoyed and devoured and taken, suddenly you don't have the same hangups anymore. And I think that's the big point of this podcast. So I'll leave it right there and I'm wishing you all the best. Have a wonderful day. Thank you for listening. We hope you've enjoyed this immensely. You can learn more about the closeness, lifestyle and movement by visiting Getloseness.com Please consider donating to our
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