Who should pay for the first date and beyond?

Speaker 0 00:00 Hi, my name is Tari and this is the closeness podcast. Welcome to episode number 45 who should pay for the first date and beyond a discussion so thorough in length. We had to break it up over two different episodes with over two and a half hours of content. As human beings, we protect vehemently that which is closest to our vest or our belt as it were, especially when it comes to that which is located in the lower chakra region, specifically sex, money and power. Any conversation that we're going to have about money of course, can be very triggering for some people. Bear that in mind as we go through this, that some of your most intimate beliefs as they pertain to money and even who you are as a person may come up for you. So you're going to hear me speaking directly to you, two women and two men. Speaker 0 00:43 You might hear thoughts and suggestions like, ladies, consider not doing this man. Why not try to do that? Do you really think you deserve this? Do you feel like this is what's owed to you? There's no way for me to know what kind of man or woman you are or if you do or don't do some of the things that we will be discussing. So if some of this doesn't apply to you or you're not that kind of girl or you and your community of girlfriends or guy friends, don't do this, well, fantastic. But I still guarantee there's going to be all kinds of wisdom here for you as you're listening. My recommendation is to do your best, not to negate, discard or completely write off some of the things that you're hearing. And that's going to be a really big one for the subject because so many of these beliefs are really deeply rooted. Speaker 0 01:24 So do your best to keep an open mind. And maybe you know someone who might benefit from listening to this or you've got a girlfriend or guy friend who needs to hear it. So granted, some of this may not apply to you specifically at all, but you need to know that if I'm speaking about it and I'm taking the time to express it here, it's certainly not by chance. It's not due to a one off occasion or something that happened to me years ago. This is something that is all pervasive in almost all parts of the Western world. It shows up in countless conversations with my clients, both men and women. It shows up in interviews and it certainly has shown up in my own experiences. It's very much a hot topic. One way to think about money is that there's always a light side and a dark side who we discuss it. Speaker 0 02:02 One way of looking at those two aspects is by defining them as scarce and abundant and sometimes understanding which side you're on can get a little money. Literally money muddy, for example, pretending that you have the resources and ability to provide for women and that same personality type mixes with those who actually do have the resources. And so how does someone who pretends they have the resources or someone who actually does have the resources often sound? What does their dialogue look like? Just get whatever you want. I'll take care of it. Just buy it. I got it. Put it on the card. I've got this. Do whatever you want. Have whatever you want. I got it. I'll buy the bar drinks for everyone. Other times there's a lot of scarcity around money, whether you're a man or a woman, looking at the price, how much everything costs. Speaker 0 02:47 Wondering if you can afford it. Wondering if you should telling yourself you've been bad today because you invested in something and the overall general tightness in your throat, stomach, or chest that constricts when you think about not being able to do something or afford something that you want to do. And then other times still expectations and demands around money. Entitlement. A man should buy things for me. A man should or needs to pay for my lifestyle, hair, nails, jewelry, clothes, lunches and dinners. If he wants to spend time with me and all that goes along with that, and believe it or not, I would actually place that category more on the scarcity side than I would the abundance side. Even if a man is providing you with abundance. So make no mistake. Your thoughts about who you believe should be paying for your life and lifestyle. Speaker 0 03:34 Have everything to do with how you were raised in your own perceptions, how your family handled money, how you've handled money most of your life. It extends so much further than simply your right now in the moment thought about how men and women should handle money when it comes to dating, so I can't wait to give you all kinds of information about this subject with a topic this vast. There's definitely not one end all be all definitive answer to all of this, but I'm certainly not going to leave you hanging with the typical answer you get when you watch most YouTube videos, which is to say so you know, you just got to do what's right for you and you have to see what you want and you have to figure out if this is for you or not. No, I will give you very well thought out, very particular answers, but it's not that there's a one size fits all for all situations and all narratives. Speaker 0 04:21 If you're able to sit tight through most of this episode, you'll also get to hear at the end what my personal thoughts and experiences have been on the matter, including some of my earliest experiences such as being in the sixth grade all the way up through adulthood. What I do think is true about the subject of money is that people need to actually be able to speak about it comfortably. And one of the number one things that makes this difficult, especially if a man brings up money or price, is actually a woman's judgment that he is somehow more inferior, less of a man more incapable or has issues around scarcity simply by talking about money. Some people get very uncomfortable just by speaking about price. And on the other hand, the other thing that inhibits an easy conversation about this is the protectiveness or arrogance that comes along with the man's side about their thoughts on money. Speaker 0 05:11 If you don't know what I mean, imagine that you're out to dinner with a man and he asks the waitress a few questions, Oh, how much is the market price for the fish? Ooh, $22 for an appetizer. That's super pricey. I'm laughing just thinking how women must be cringing when a man speaks about price at the dinner table. And the funny thing is it doesn't have to be this way. It really can be okay to talk about money and price and how much the fishes, but man, can some women make it feel awkward to do so. So right off the bat, one tip is can you get comfortable speaking about money? Is it okay to talk about it? Do you get a funny feeling inside when anyone talks about price or what things cost and whether or not they can afford it or not? Do your eyes get wide and then you look down and then you think to yourself something. Speaker 0 05:57 Okay. Or do you have a judgment like, Hmm, this definitely is not going to be going anywhere. To that end, I hope that this episode encouraged you to have a free flowing discussion with any of your friends or partners about money and finances because the likelihood that you see eye to eye on all subjects regarding money is next to impossible. I'd like to give you something right off the bat that shares my thoughts on this and really gives you something you can use right away. If we're strictly speaking about a first date where naturally neither of you know what each other's financial status is. The best possible thing you can do is an activity that does not involve money or involves very little financial investment and I don't mean coffee or tea, I actually don't find that to be a very stimulating or fun date at all. Speaker 0 06:43 Everyone who's been on at least a few dates should know how exhausting and draining it is to be asked 50 questions in a row. Bam, bam, bam. What do you do? Where do you live to get along with your family? What about your relationship with your mother? Let me watch keenly how you treat the wait staff. It just feels like an interview across the table. It's not fun. It's exhausting. It takes work and not everybody's calibrated to chit chat socially like that. However, something that involves nature, a walk, a hike and experience. Something that you're capable of doing or showing her a hobby or skill. Something light and fun that doesn't require an investment. And here's where I find not just men and women individually, but collectively, don't really see eye to eye on what a first date should look like. Some people want to really grandiose display of proving themselves and fireworks and going to do something fun and having a night out on the town while others. Speaker 0 07:36 In fact, I think most people nowadays really minimize it down to like, I barely have time to spend 15 minutes with you and have coffee. I think it's worth looking at. What are your hobbies? What are you good at? What are you passionate about? What does she love, and is there something you could find in there that can be fun if you dance, take her dancing. If you're an Acrobat taker acrobatting I know better than to say that if you're a photographer, take her out to shoot some photos. If you're super sporty or into hiking or climbing or biking, take her out for a simple bike ride or a trail ride or a ride along the beach. Why do you want to do something like this? To minimize expectations? Everyone's favorite word in all the land to avoid whether you like it or not, or you believe it or not. Speaker 0 08:18 Having someone invest in you financially more often than not carries high expectations and those expectations often translate to some form of intimacy. Rare is the scenario where one person makes a purchase for someone else and the person receiving the gift offering or dinner doesn't feel indebted to the purchaser or the purchaser feels as though something is owed back to him. Of course, there are times where expectations seemingly are absent from the interaction, but there's no better way to get yourself into trouble and by being indebted to someone. So if you're a woman going on a first date with someone and it doesn't involve money, you're taking an enormous amount of stress and anxiety off of your plate. You don't have to worry as much about what he's thinking, what he's wanting, what the expectations are, implications are. It's so much easier to talk to someone while you're in motion or walking or not just stuck at a table. Speaker 0 09:13 Even just sitting with them in nature. Being super present can be amazing. You can do a little sightseeing. You can make smoothies, coffee or tea and have it with you. When you go on a little trip, you go on a picnic, but this type of date is not going to be for everybody. If you're a super glamorous person, you always get dressed up. You haven't been in nature in years, you've never been barefoot before. Probably this isn't for you, and if you also are the kind of woman who has an expectation that the man demonstrates his value or worth by what he spends on you and provides for you, even though you might have all number of things going on with other men, even though you might not be interested in him, and even though you may never speak to him again and ignore all his texts and block his number, you go down a very different path when you've got these expectations. Speaker 0 09:57 In any case for men, as you know, having someone agree to a date, commit to their date, show up on their date, be who they say they're going to be on their date, be on time. It's a process. And I understand that most men cannot run out investing thousands of dollars every month simply trying to find a partner to be with by taking each and every one of them. Find dining to see if you're a good match. So my strongest advice, keep money out of the equation in the beginning. Even if you are an amazing provider, even if you want to prove this to women quickly, it's so nice to meet someone on a level playing field on equal ground. If you crave a clean interaction, if you want something easy that doesn't stress you out, you'll really enjoy the benefits of doing so. So as we start to dive in, you're going to hear at least 20 to 30 more thoughts on this subject. Speaker 0 10:48 Let's get things started by asking a very unusual question. What happens and who should pay when two women go on their first, second and third date and beyond. And maybe even more importantly, what happens psychologically and how will you judge the other girl based on her desire or ability to pay for you or not? What do you do if both women previously have always had the expectation, say from dating men that someone else should foot the bill? Someone else should take care of them, that they should be spoiled like a princess, that they want someone to demonstrate that they can really provide and take care of them. What do you do in all of your connotations around chivalry are wrapped up in something that doesn't exist between two women? There's no such thing as being a chivalrous woman. Now, of course, someone can always assume the role of being in the masculine or being the chivalrous person. Speaker 0 11:43 You can be kind, generous, take turns, but that's the very least you can expect from being a great person to one another. But ask yourself, if you are in this situation, how would you shape your beliefs, values, and expectations of her? Especially considering that more often than not, when we're talking about a man paying all of these very strong, sharp, harsh judgements emerge, feel free to stop the episode right now and give some thought to what you would do. For most people. What comes to mind is, well, if I were in that situation, we would just split it or take turns or see how it goes and unfortunately we can't gloss over that one too quickly. We really want to ask ourselves, do women get a hall pass? Are they exempt from all kinds of judgment? Do they really just get to split it? Do all of the unbelievable epithets, insults, judgments that are thrown at men every single day when it comes to their expectation to pay for women on the first date. Speaker 0 12:39 Does all of that just vanish when it comes to women paying for women do just split things 50 50 without making any judgments or assessments about who they are at the core of their being. Do we not get to observe how cheap she is or criticize and decide that this really must not be the right woman for us because she didn't even offer to pay. She just sat there while the other woman pulled out her credit card, no judgment about her worthiness because she did or didn't speak about money. No assumptions about what kind of woman this will be in relationship based on her financial ability to earn and provide for you. Did we not criticize her and judge her as a bad future mother by her ability to pay or not pay? If each time you take her out and she just sits there across the table without offering to pay whether or not be any deep psychological readings about how stingy she is or how miserly she is, you'll hear a story about that later. Speaker 0 13:29 If two girls decide to split it from the beginning, will they not immediately make judgments about how this relationship likely isn't going to work out? Because after all, how embarrassing would it be in front of friends and family to always go Dutch? It all sounds a little bit funny, right? So seen that way. Can you really make such claims judgements and assessments about a man's worthiness and whether he's a loser or not a provider or not a great man on paper, someone you can trust or someone who you can raise a family with or not. Can you make all of these judgments about a man? If it's not also going to carry over to a woman. Now, the point of that is to not be super harsh and critical to women who are dating women. It's that maybe we can be a little softer on our thoughts and demands and expectations on men around the subject of money and dating. Speaker 0 14:17 Another question to consider from our example of two women dating though is would you base her worthiness or eligibility on whether or not she paid for your meal, food or date? If she doesn't pay for your date, will you no longer invest into her? Will you deem her as being unworthy because she didn't buy you food? Will you only give her one or two chances before you never talk to her again? Will you block her because you had to pay half? What if you and your other female partner have the same expectations and feelings of entitlement around money and what you deserve? I'm beautiful. I'm gorgeous. People all over the world want me. I have and deserve access. I don't wait around for anyone. I don't pay for anything. If someone wants to spend time with me, they should pay for it. Someone should work for demonstrating to me why they are worthy of my time. Speaker 0 15:10 Okay, so you see we can get pretty far down one tangent. No matter what conclusions we can draw thus far, money is still and always will be a loaded, loaded subject. So just notice your responses as we move forward. Do you tune it out? Do you shut it down? Do you resist it or are you open minded to a new perspective? As it turns out, I'm someone who has several, maybe even countless, highly successful, highly independent female friends all around the world who make their own money, make their own choices. They don't need a man. They don't need him to provide anything for her. And I need to say, I love these friends, lovers, girlfriends, females who are like this. It's an incredible thing to be so free in the world that you don't need to depend on someone else to live your own life, to feel good and when you need something such as, you know, feeding yourself. Speaker 0 16:02 But even knowing that I still feel like I can say it is almost always the case that predominantly even ubiquitously, even if it's not you or your friends, most women are going to prefer, expect, appreciate and feel like it's just easier when a man does pay for the bill, the date, the excursion, the event, the house, the car and so forth. Take a moment and ask yourself, have you ever said anything? Like sometimes it's just nice to feel like a girl. Sometimes I just want to feel like a woman. Sometimes I just want a man to be a man and make me feel like a woman. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to take care of it. I just want to have it done for me. Many people are very comfortable in this paradigm. That's how dad did it. That's how grandpa did it and it's worked out pretty well so far, but let me introduce you to another side of this. Speaker 0 16:58 I can't begin to tell you how many countless couples I've been in front of at. When the dynamic shifts, where the responsibility of paying gets put onto the woman in a marriage or a committed monogamous relationship, someone's going to school, someone moves, someone needs to find a job while the other person supports and that other person is the woman. When she takes on the burden of debt or begins paying for bills, something very interesting usually happens. This is not just a shift in responsibility or I'll do it for a while. Now you do it for a while. There is a dramatic shift inside of the relationship as it pertains to sexual attraction. There's also a shift in the power dynamic and what that means is the masculine steps into the feminine role and the feminine steps into the masculine, and for a lot of couples, this is actually very uncomfortable. Speaker 0 17:47 A lot of people do this by, you might even be in a relationship where you wear the pants. If you're a woman or you have more say power in the relationship, but what I hear from people privately is you don't want it to be this way. It just doesn't naturally work best this way with a woman funding everything for a man while a man works on something or goes to school, et cetera. Some people do it as an incredibly kind gesture or as an investment for your future, but I invite you to ask yourself, if you ever have been in a situation like this, how's the sex? Is it good, hot, full of passion, full of vigor, or did it lose some steam? If you go out to dinner as a couple and you pull out your wallet ladies to fund this man on a regular basis later on that evening, do you want to have sex with him? Speaker 0 18:35 If you're a woman listening to your general attraction to your man during this phase, increase, decrease, or stay the same. This is so, so big. What you begin to understand is this is not just a simple adjustment of finances. It is so deeply rooted in our psyche, these expectations about men providing and women being provided for that it can actually change the quality of your sex life. Now, I'm not saying it has to be this way. I'm not saying I believe it should be this way. I'm simply saying there's something to note about when a woman is being obligated to pay for things all the time, she generally tends to lose sexual attraction and sexual desirability for her male partner and even begins to emotionally shut down and the male often becomes less dominant, masculine, assertive, aggressive. It seems like it becomes hard for him to step up and be masculine and manly when someone is funding most of the lifestyle, and it's interesting because those can be very separate things. Speaker 0 19:38 You don't have to tie your bank account balance or ability to earn into whether you can give intense eye contact to your woman or love her as a deuce. Her ravish her. Yet somehow they seem to go hand in hand. Does this mean that every man in the world should pay for a woman on the first date? Absolutely not. But it's worth understanding how many of us operate on a primal level. And that in itself can be an argument for why men should pay and simply stated, even though it's really unfounded and it doesn't really have any logic to it, it just feels better that way to women. It's just what they prefer. But it makes me want to ask. It literally begs the question. Uh, don't most people prefer it when something is just taken care of for them or ships for free or arrives for free or just manifest itself without you having to earn it, pay for it or do anything to receive it. Speaker 0 20:29 Even if you're a super independent man and you love providing for women, don't you love receiving great service when you go to a hotel, when you're at the four seasons resort in Hawaii, isn't it wonderful to just wake up to a plate of freshly cut tropical fruit prepared for you taking care of for you? Just having there and ready wake up calls, excursions, everything all planned out and taken care of because the service in the hotel was so good. Do you want to go to Costco, buy beach chairs, lug them all the way down to the water, set them up, lay your towels out or do you like having all of that just provided for you? Yes, your money is paying for it. You are technically providing, but you are being taken care of. We love being pampered. We love being taken care of. So yes, on the one hand it's extremely convenient and easy to say, well look, I just love when a man takes care of it for me and likewise in turn, a man can say, well, I just love when a woman does this to me. Speaker 0 21:24 A certain number of women love to be provided for a certain number of men love to provide, and when those two personality types come together, things can just work out. Furthermore, as a man, when you pull out your wallet and you fund someone else's meal or date, this checks off a box in many women's heads. This puts you immediately into a category. As someone who's capable of providing it often makes a woman feel like she can now begin to spend time with you. Perhaps even she can begin to trust you in one regard, and it's a very odd thing in many ways it does feel like the world tends to function a little more easily when men are taking care of things for women and that's a strong statement. It's not sexist. It's not my belief system. It's my observation of how things play out. Speaker 0 22:09 If you ask a hundred people who are in relationship now, who do you think should initiate sex? Almost inevitably women will say the man should, and if you ask a hundred women who should pay for things in the relationship, including first dates, more often than not, it's often spoken often in private that they just believe this is the man's job and for many reasons, it makes them feel special. It makes them feel like they can relax. It makes women feel like they are taken care of. It's convenient for women. It's how it's always been. It's what chivalry is based on. It's just what's done. It's what's done in fairytales movies in Eastern European countries. But so often what we forget to look at is does this carry an expectation? Is it ever just dinner? And is it ever just dinner on the first date? We have to be specific when we speak about these things because unless you're a serial dater and you're going out with people night after night, just so that you can eat for free, and believe me, I know many, many women like this. Speaker 0 23:06 Well, what happens after that dinner? And what are the expectations, encouragement, and feelings after you finish eating? And I think many women want to say there should be no expectations whatsoever. None. You should always go on a first date having zero expectations. I hear this time and time again. Show me the woman who says, if a man pays for dinner on a first date, he's more than welcome to expect sex from me. If a man buys me stuff on the first, second or third date, then he has full reign of my body. And yet there is a strong ingrained, deep, deep expectation from men that a man's job obligation and responsibility to the core of his being is to buy you something when he never knew you before. This gesture, this kind gesture of taking you out wherever you go on a first date should not be accompanied by expectation, right? Speaker 0 24:00 So a woman often has the expectation that a man should have no expectations whatsoever and in the same breath, many women all around the world have the expectation that they absolutely have it due to them. They have it coming. They deserve to have a man take them out on a first date. They expect it, no questions asked. So you got to ask yourself, where does this start? Where does it stop? What if your second date is a dinner amongst friends? And the man just took you out on an incredible first date and just for fun, let's say was really fancy. He spent several hundred dollars on your dining experience and night out and socializing and entertainment, which by the way, is not all that hard to do if you go to a relatively decent restaurant. If you're going to include drinks, if you're going to park in a fancy city and go to some sort of club or form of entertainment afterwards, poof. Speaker 0 24:49 Then the next night you get together and he wants you to meet his friends or you want him to meet yours. You're going out in a group setting. It's time to pay the bill. Everybody's splitting up the costs and well then who pays? Does the man sit quietly and expect a woman to pull out her purse and take care of the meal in front of all of her friends? Will he allow himself to look quote unquote bad in front of all of his friends? Even though none of these people know that he just spent three or $400 a night before? What if it happens to be a familial event just by chance in front of someone's parents or nephews, nieces or uncles, and if he's going to pay on the first, what about the second, third, fourth, and fifth? At what point does a discussion serve, and as I'm sharing all this, so many of my friends just aren't like this. Speaker 0 25:35 I think a lot of the girls don't want to make a big deal about money. They want to take turns. They want to contribute what they can. They don't want to feel expectations. They don't want to feel pressure, and so they're looking for the easiest way to remedy all this outside of my small community. I also know that people think about things very differently, so if you're not one of these people who have these huge expectations, again, maybe you can help your fellow sisters adapt a new way of thinking. One of the interesting things about interviewing countless women on this subject is that I find they have no problem judging a man as being cheap, poor as someone who shouldn't be playing the dating game, if he can't afford it, effectively stating that a man is not worth it if he can't afford to take her on a simple first date or second or third. Speaker 0 26:23 Many of you listening, this may be in high paying jobs or have a career all settled or maybe you're further on in life where everything is just fine and both people can do what they want with the money that they have, but when most people start out, wherever you are, teens, twenties thirties even forties a lot of us are in hourly waged jobs where you're making 10 1215 $20 hour, whether you're a man or woman, if you're paying 700 to a thousand dollars a month in rent, you have a car payment, gas insurance, health insurance, food, and the occasional excursion with some friends. It certainly doesn't leave a lot of room to take a large gamble on your first or second day with someone when you have absolutely no idea who they are. You have no idea if the date's going to suck, if you want to see them again, if they're ever going to talk to you again, if they're going to get weird and uncomfortable, if you're not going to feel uneasy about being there. Speaker 0 27:13 If you're a female and someone takes you out on the date, do you feel like you even deserved it? In other words, were you engaging with your partner? Were you awesome and inquisitive? Did you ask him questions about himself and take a genuine interest in who he was? Wouldn't that maybe be the bare minimum expected if you're going to allow someone to take care of you? It's a strong question. What does it mean to deserve to have the meal paid for? If a man has a woman sitting in front of him and he senses that she is sort of biding her time, that he's feeling as though she thinks that he's lucky to be in her presence, maybe she's not giving a lot emotionally or as an interested or as vacuous or checked out or super duper shy. So you're getting a lot of one word answers and responses that don't really go anywhere or minimal eye contact. Speaker 0 28:03 What inspiration is there to want to contribute to that? In fact, if a woman has actually learned something from the man in the course of the date, if she's become a better, a more expanded being or she's figured out something that she never knew before, well then on top of all that, should he also pay. The big point I want to make with all of this is no matter what stance or position you take, almost inevitably things will work better. When a man just says, I got it. But I also believe that this is something that can only work extremely well when you are affluent enough to not care where, it doesn't matter where it's just disposable income. And what I think happens is many women have had the opportunity to be taken out by someone who has somewhat of a disposable income. And so they've gone on the boat and the Vegas trip and the excursion and the trip to Paris, and those peak experiences feel so good and they feel just so natural and so right that you become a little hopeful or expectant yes, expectant that this is how life should be. Speaker 0 29:05 In some cases you might not even find other men attractive who can't provide this level of experience for you. You may have even adopted a certain sense of radar. How to sniff men out like this, but who are talking about here is a very, very select handful of men. It's a tiny, tiny percentage of the population. So at the end of the day, I hope some of these discussions really help you identify what type of man or woman you really are. The core of your being and who you want to be is your knee jerk reaction. Yeah, but you know, at the end of the day, a man just should, I'm a woman, I deserve it and I know, look, men are willing to do it. So I'm just going to take it is your belief system. I was born a female, so therefore I deserve all manner of things to be provided for me by men. Speaker 0 29:53 We are all selfishly oriented. We can't avoid that, but we have to remember there's another human being with their own life, their own values, their own belief system sitting right in front of us who could be thinking the same thing about what they expect of you, who also believes they deserve to be happy and they deserve to have what they want and they do. So when you're thinking about dating men and being with men, most men are not the top 1% of the world. Not everybody can be with the top 1%. It's extremely difficult for most men on the planet to take the gamble, not knowing if they're ever going to see you again and try to pay for you and you and you and you and you and you so well. Then you might say, why is this man going on other dates with other women? Speaker 0 30:38 All of his attention should be on me. I want to feel special. I want to feel cherished. I want to feel like a princess. I don't want him thinking about anyone else. If you're a woman in your single and you're making a statement like that, do you not have attention from countless men, whether on a daily basis where you're being hit on or in your office where you're flirting with and talking to do different people? Do men not ask you for your phone number and you give it because they asked multiple times a day or a week. If we opened your cell phone right now and scrolled through the 600 plus open-ended messages you have, how many of those would be with men who have tried to do you a favor, tried to get together, want to spend some time with you, want to go out with you, and how many of those have you gone out with? Speaker 0 31:21 Do you continue to talk to and yes, of course we know you ignore most of them. Nevertheless, how many men are in your phone right now that you are texting? How many are in there that want to sleep with you and how many are in there that you want to sleep with them? Now. Obviously those numbers shrink and shrink and shrink, but it certainly is almost inevitably more than one. Now, these answers will vary of course, depending on who you are, but if you're single, how many men are you allowing to take you out? If you really are honest with yourself, you realize that you are not getting your fill of attention from one person. You're getting a little here, a little there, a little from him and him and him and him from each place. Every time you dress up, make yourself feel however you want to feel. Speaker 0 32:05 You're looking super cute and super sexy. You know that the types of things that you wear or you do or things you do with your hair, your eyes draws tremendous amounts of attention from men. Do you believe that you deserve to feel special? If you're not making any of the men that you are spending time with? Also feel special and I know that's tough to hear, but how can you make more than one, two, or three people feel uniquely special? For many women, the word special means just me and anyone else who's in the equation. While she no longer feels special. So how can you adopt a different view of being special? What would make a man feel special? Returning his texts, promptly, giving him calls back, saying yes to his invitations. All of this of course, assuming you do want to spend time with him, demonstrating to him that this is who you want to spend time with, making space in your extremely busy social life and social schedule. Speaker 0 32:57 If you're not doing that, why should he then do it for you? It's worth asking yourself, what are you giving back given what you are expecting other than a few text messages or simply showing up. I like to think of coming together with someone as a very special thing where we are coming together equally because you have some sort of interest in one another, so you're willing to put some things aside to not run and get your nails done. Instead of spending quality time together, not hang out with girlfriends, not go to yet another cocktail party yet another event yet another night out with girlfriends of socializing, yet another night out drinking yet another yacht party, yet another Playboy event, yet another ride in a private jet or trip to Vegas. If you're one of those people who feels like you need to go out almost every night or keep yourself busy multiple nights of week with such things, it's really worth looking at. Speaker 0 33:51 If you have an expectation for each man that you come into contact with to treat you like royalty when you're running around receiving attention from countless men receiving favors from countless men, having all the fun in the world, that almost inevitably involves another man or multiple men funding all of this fun. Even if it doesn't start that way. Even if yes, you go out and pay for your own first drinker too. When it comes to big events, you know you're probably on the VIP list and who put you on there. Now as a man, on the other hand, you probably use phrases like this is a numbers game. Women aren't coming up to you every day asking you for your number, complimenting you on your outfit, touching your beautiful muscles. If you find yourself in the 99% tile, then you are not someone who has unlimited funds and resources to do everything you can dream of with every girl you'd like to do it with. Speaker 0 34:41 Another area worth examining is the cost of doing business. How much is it to actually go on dates? There's a lot of confusion in that area. For example, often women say, and I want to be clear here, women say not. I say that there is a purported enormous cost involved, preparing for dates, getting ready for dates, looking good, dressing up, going shopping, and the various hidden expenses that women believe that men don't see, such as hundreds of dollars for dyeing their hair, picking out certain outfits, getting their makeup done and their nails done, the right shoes, the right outfit and so forth to look <inaudible> women, my dare to say the way men want them to look. They might dare to say how they want to look so that they feel confident versus insecure. But these feminine care routines or appearance enhancers which involve making yourself look different than you actually look and are perfectly fine to do if it's your own time, your own money, and your own energy and you really believe you're doing it for yourself. Speaker 0 35:42 Let me emphasize that again. I have no issue with anyone doing whatever they want to their own body. Take care of yourself in any way you'd like. But here's the thing. There is no beginning and no end to the level of self care that women engage in. There's no quantity of money that can be spent that is sufficient. So when you begin to have expectations about what a man should do and they involve your female care routine or things that you'd like to do to take care of yourself, this could be several hundred dollars a week. This could be several thousand dollars a week to completely get done what you want to get done. And furthermore, you don't just want to look great on a first date, do you? Don't you want to look great all the time in your mind, don't you want to do the things that make you feel good regularly, not just a primp for someone on the first date. Speaker 0 36:29 So if you are the kind of woman who is very interested in appearance, you want to constantly change the way you look, enhance your appearance with lipstick, tanning gym, laser hair contouring, threading, moisturizers, night creams, eye creams, day creams, toners and so forth. Many of these women feel that this is expected of them or they use that as a reason as why they have to do it. And while I agree wholeheartedly that if you push your breasts out, you were next to nothing on Instagram or a low cut top or something that really flatters your ass, you do a photo shoot with a friend who just nails the lighting and your makeup perfectly. Yes, you are going to get significantly more likes and significantly more attention. But I still don't share the belief that this is somehow an added cost that a woman needs to swallow in order to prepare for a first date. Speaker 0 37:15 For me personally and countless numbers of friends and men who I've spoken to as long as you look presentable far be it for me if she's wearing Mac makeup or not, or has a pair of Gucci loafers or Tory Burch slides on or just got her nails done or just left the salon or sat for an hour while she or someone else did her makeup or is wearing Lululemon pants or added an additional 17 accessories to her wrist as opposed to the one bracelet that she normally wears. Discovered a new shade of Rouge plucked yet another hundred hairs out of her eyebrows. Found a bra that pushes her breasts even higher up and juts them even further out before her plucked nose hairs lasered her face, shaved her arms. None of that is going to determine whether I continue to speak to her, call her back, go out another date with her or do anything other than make me think about one thing. Speaker 0 38:02 Her increase sexual desirability. Is that what you want? Is that exclusively how you want to be seen or predominantly how you want to be seen where men can only think about that first before anything else when you know that's already how we think. Moreover, some of that might actually be a deterrent in terms of getting to know someone because it'll keep my attention so focused on her chest or her mouth or a sort of sexualized feature. Do I like that? Of course I like that. Is that what I feel like I need or I'm looking for or what someone has to bring to a date? Absolutely not. You'll often hear the expression while you're a guy, so you just don't know or you don't have to worry about these things, and a man who takes care of himself certainly has his own rituals for getting ready for a date. Speaker 0 38:47 I bathe extremely well. I smell great naturally without having to put on any chemical scent, especially sense based in petroleum, which is 99% of most cosmetic fragrance out there. I keep everything clean and I dress nice. Similarly. Those are some things that I also appreciate having done for me in return. Of course, I love seeing a woman take good care of herself, but what does that mean? What if that just means being athletic, bathing regularly, brushing your teeth and flossing? For most women, taking care of themselves means absolutely no end insight for personal grooming, whatever it takes, as long as it takes however much money it takes until they feel satisfied, there's no limit. There's no such thing as too much, no limit until you hit what point you tell me. Pretty beautiful, gorgeous, acceptable, worthy. What's the tipping point? When it becomes enough and the big hard question is, do you not think you're enough without doing any of these things, these rituals, these procedures, this long line of self talk and sometimes even self hatred or self judgment or comparing yourself to everyone else and your girlfriends around you. Speaker 0 39:54 It gets bad and of course the answer should be yes, you are enough. You are enough without all of these things. When you realize how much psychology is involved as to whether or not a woman dresses up and dolls herself up and goes through all of these procedures and rituals just to look good, how much mental anguish is involved and how much ego is involved. Men find women attractive almost no matter what they're wearing, what they look like or how they're put together. Ladies, if you're really honest with yourself, you know this to be true. You know there've been times where you felt unattractive, ugly, fat, undesirable, some quality where you didn't feel great about yourself and your husband or boyfriend or partner or new sex partner at the time. Still, it's like they didn't even see it. They just wanted to ravish you. More often than not, it comes down to a question of do you feel like you're enough or pretty enough or hot enough or hotter than everyone else? Speaker 0 40:56 Maybe you are the type of woman who wears little to no makeup at all. Maybe you're super simple, super sporty, super easy when it comes to getting ready and you're not so concerned about your looks. I love that. I think that's very admirable. I think that's a wonderful way to be, but hopefully you've seen that it really is questionable as to whether a woman has to or feels obligated to invest her financial resources into how she looks as it pertains to going on first dates. What's nagging in the back of your head? Ah, the quantity of attention you get though, the way people respond to you, the likes that you get, the compliments from people, you're so beautiful. Keep it up. You look so good when you have that filter or you're wearing that makeup. It's very, very alluring and it's hard to resist. However, let me tell you a little story because it's not all or nothing, and that's the example I think women love to give is should I just not take care of myself? Speaker 0 41:49 Let myself go, not exercise, not do my hair, not shower, not Bay. That's like my God. No one said you should not be a decent human being who functions in society. Yes, women bathe. Take care of yourself. Simply put, we as men do not require the quantity and amount of time and energy that you put into looking the way you do, and I know, I know you think you do it for yourselves or for other women, but I have to ask if you are a straight woman and there were no men in your life at all, would you just do it to compete with other women? Is that why you do it? And how many of us just love to wear sweat pants around the house or not get done up or have a lazy weekend morning and we just throw on some clothes without thinking about it? Speaker 0 42:30 How good does that feel? How much do we love that? Most people adore that feeling. Here's a little story to illustrate my point. There's a beautiful young girl in our acrobatic community who often just throws on some clothes and puts her hair up and puts on her glasses and she shows up and yet she still looks radiant and beautiful. She doesn't wear a ton of makeup. She doesn't spend hours in front of the mirror. She just sort of shows up quite literally sometimes in her pajamas today. As a matter of fact, when I saw her, I noticed she looked strikingly beautiful and I really had to ask myself, what is different about this girl today? It didn't seem like she had any makeup on. That may be the tiniest amount. It literally just looked like she had her hair down, but it made such a noticeable difference to me. Speaker 0 43:14 I thought it was great, even though I already thought she was enough before, even though I already thought she was beautiful before there was a distinct difference, pretty desirable hot dateable sexal even without all of the affirmation mentioned accoutrement. So I can't say enough about people who are able to embrace what they have and not tie their self worth into beauty or money. Everyone does little things here and there to make themselves look better, to take care of themselves. But where is that line? So I want to say, find things to love about yourself because you are lovable. You are enough without all of that extra girls. I know those guys are out there. I know there are men who exist who love 100% plastic, all fake boobs fake, but the more fake, the better. I know that exists. Otherwise, the women who do this would not exist because no one would like them. Speaker 0 44:08 But where do you want your self worth to lie and for? What do you want to be appreciated? Let's circle back around to this concept or idea of a woman's need to feel special. As we spoke about a little earlier, so many women that men ask out are unavailable, busy, flaky or suffering from extreme cases of FOMO, while at the same time every woman wants to feel special whether or not she's giving anything in return to the person who's taking her out. Let's say it a different way. Many, many women, especially young girls, value their social life above most things. They like to have their calendar plumped Lee stuffed with something to do every single night of the week or most of them because God forbid you might have some alone time. So a man meets Susan and a man is struck by Susan's beauty and sweetness, and she gave him her number. Speaker 0 45:00 She told him, call me. She said, I'd love to go out. I'd love to see you, but what happens when our suitor says, Hey Susan, what do your plans look like this week? Oh, well, I'm a very busy woman tonight. I'm going hot tubbing tomorrow I'm going out for drinks on Wednesday. I've got a quote unquote friend I've got to hang out with on Thursday. I've got an unspecified meeting dinner later at Chaya Venice, and then I think it's turning into a yacht party and then on Friday, while there's kind of a pool party with some friends, and I'll probably say I'm just going to stay for an hour, but really I'll get invited to something else after and it'll transform into yet another party that probably goes on til seven in the morning. I don't normally do drugs, but I think I'll try Coke. That night. Saturday I got a friend coming into town and then Sunday another friend's coming into town and then Monday, both of those people are still here, but I still want to try and make it out to this other party with some other friends. Speaker 0 45:48 I just love using the word friends did not be able to distinguish whether it's a man or a woman and that parties. We happened into macula, so I'm probably going to have to stay with my friend at Bryson named drops prize. It's always an unusually cool name like Brody or Bryson, who is Bryce, just next lover all so I got to go for drinks with my best girlfriend because she's going through a breakup and I have to give her all of my attention and she really needs a girlfriend right now. We both find that drinking is the best way to handle their problems. But then did you know that corpse mouse or putrid mouse or dead mouse or whatever the fuck his name is, is making a reappearance back at Skybar. I've got to go to that, so I'll be driving to LA that night and not getting home until 6:00 AM the next day. Speaker 0 46:20 I'll say I wasn't planning on staying out all night, but I will so that when my girlfriend leaves me to go home and go to bed Addis, get a ride home from another guy who will spend the night within the Hollywood Hills and who knew I fucked the DJ before I did that. I'll also say I'm not going to drink or just have one drink, but I'll just have one or two more and one or two more shots because I really want to live in the moment. Okay. The following Tuesday, well that's me time. That's right. Pamper myself, the facial, the manicure, essential oils and body washes and I'll just stay home the whole evening. I won't take any of your calls, return any of your texts, but you'll see me incessantly available on Instagram. But then Wednesday I pick it right back up again and I go to my yoga class and I got to go out with friends afterwards for drinks and then I really should make an appearance at mr A's later on that week because well, Baxter's going to be there, any kind of ones that treat the entire table to steak. Speaker 0 47:03 But then Dan Bilzerian is taking a bunch of hot girls to the Caribbean and I can't miss that trip. I need to be one of those girls. But most importantly, please don't try to text me or get ahold of me during any of this fun because my phone is going to be off lost, unavailable, misplaced. Even though my battery is fully charged during the work week, it's always going to die when I go out. Probably also Becky's going to steal it. Kendall is going to need to use it to call her boyfriend and then she's going to lose it and I'm not going to be answering unless I'm really, really drunk, in which case I'll probably say something super inappropriate, but like it's really, really important for me to have fun. So please no bad vibes. Please don't ever ask me where are you? What are you doing? Speaker 0 47:38 When are you coming home or any garbage like that? Because seriously, I am not trying to be controlled. Wait, you want to go out next month? Don't get me started. That's when the music festival season kicks in and then we've got lightning in a bottle. Burning man, a loved dome. The kissing don't the orgy dome. I think by 2024 I should be ready to see you. Yeah, I kid you not. And I do not exaggerate for proof in the pudding. Take a look at any number of Dan Bilzerian, his Instagram posts. So how does all this silliness translate to your dating life and going out on a date? On the one hand, what most men here most of the time is, I can't, I can't. I can't. I have no time. I'm so busy. I have so much going on right now. But then ladies, you want to be the only woman that a man gives his attention to. Speaker 0 48:18 When you finally decide to give him an ounce of yours, you want to feel special. You want his attention on you. You don't want to feel like he's a player, but do you give anything close to the same in return, especially when you're single onward. Most people spend a good portion of their lives working. Most people, men and women included do not make an enormous amount of money. So when you're off on all these consistent adventures, multiple nights a week, sometimes multiple times in the same night doing even just a fraction of what I just listed off, who's funding all of that, my research tells me it's not you. If it is you, I tip my hat to you and respect. But when you look at all these little details over time, the boat, the hotel, the upgrades, the VIP, the bottle service, the special room, the special treatment, the discounts, the freebies, the gifts, the drinks, the limos, the party buses. Speaker 0 49:07 With so many men hungrily pursuing you day in and day out. Doesn't it make sense that men have to go after multiple women? One of the big reasons men have to date multiple women to be abundantly clear why we must pursue her and her and her is because you are never available and because you often prioritize relatively meaningless social activities over finding a real connection. I've seen it time and time again. Yes, it's all fun stuff that you want to be doing, but how can you expect a man to show you the same level of love and consideration? Do men do this only for that reason? Of course, men do this for other reasons as well. Of course, all men think about is sex. Of course all men want is sex, generally speaking and so forth. Some men can't get enough. I know people in my community who are literally sex hounds, they want to have sex with every single person they possibly can. Speaker 0 49:59 No matter what seemingly, no matter what they look like or even who they are, including whether or not the person doing the hunting is single, including whether or not they're available, whether or not they're with someone who they really like. So I think we can agree that if you are a woman going on first, second and third dates with the exception of showing up, there's very little investment on your part that's expected. It's such a different story to know that whoever a man goes out with, for the most part, the expectation or custom or natural way things will be will be that he has to invest financially. So it's really worth considering what's involved for a man to invest in taking you out. Because more often than not, it's not just a quick little bite to eat. If you do something afterwards, if you go out for drinks, if you do parking, if you do valet, it could easily wind up costing someone 100 $200 just to spend an evening with you if he's trying to impress you or you're trying to be impressed versus some sort of other activity that doesn't require finances. Speaker 0 50:57 And finally if you're going on more than one date, if you're on a dating app or multiple dating apps and spending time with different men, if you're saying yes to all sorts of invitations for men, whether you consider them to be a date or not, if you're just checking out what's out there. If you're dating more than one man, then you can hardly expect a man to only be seeing and dating you as well. If you are someone like this, it might behoove you to consider how pricey this can be for most men. Is your knee jerk response still? That's how it goes. Step up the game. That's what a man's job is. That's what he should do or is there a little bit of empathy and understanding here? Now, of course, this is all predicated on you doing the traditional dating thing of asking someone out and then taking them somewhere that you are funding as opposed to inviting them over to your house or having them over to their house or doing something in a public setting or doing something that doesn't involve money. Speaker 0 51:53 I remember seeing a Facebook post once where a woman was on fire. She was furious. She was disgusted at the idea that a man couldn't manage to pay for a first date, no matter who the man is. She was warning. All women, do not ever go out with a man who cannot pay for you on a first date. Find the goddess within. Find your entitlement. This is what is owed to you effectively realize your self worth by demanding that a man pay for you and take care of you because that is how it's done. Regardless of whether you can afford to even pay your own rent, judge him harshly, disrespect him, and never even compare yourself to him. Even if you're not able to do the very thing that you expect from him and certainly don't spend time with a man who in her words isn't a man. The comments that followed also illustrated that thoughts like this are just all pervasive. This combined with countless other interviews. Maybe now you see why. It's just really nice to take the edge off by removing expectations on both people's parts. When you're spending time together for the first few times. Speaker 0 53:01 Let's get personal for a moment. I can't imagine talking to you for two hours about other people's perspectives and opinions and not letting you in on what my thoughts are and how it's always been. For me growing up, I want to give you a bit of my background and tell you how I was raised, what my experiences have been around treating women to dinners and first dates. I'd love to share my perspective with you. Speaker 1 53:22 <inaudible> Speaker 0 53:22 simply put, Speaker 0 53:24 I'm someone who for the majority of my life has almost always paid for a woman on the first, second, third date, and beyond even well beyond and in many cases for a good portion of our relationship. Also for things that extend far beyond dinner, whether it's been a vacation, international travel trips to Hawaii excursions, not all the time and not blindly and just because, but as I reflect back over the different relationships I've had in the experiences and the women I've been with, for the most part, I've been the one to pay. Now. I can temper that with a few particular experiences from a couple select women who did things very differently. In the next episode, I'll share one of the less favorable ones with you, but I'll share a great story with you now. When I was 19 years old in the Dawn of America online and online chat rooms and being able to speak to people without knowing who they were, you couldn't send photographs. Speaker 0 54:17 People didn't have profiles. They just sort of had names and a few words about them and see. You could wind up talking to yes, perfect strangers. You had no idea who they were, but I always found that in most cases people weren't so into pretending they were someone else. Back in the day. I was 19 at the time and I wound up going on one date with one young girl who was also my age and we walked around downtown Santa Barbara by El Paseo. He had gelato together and just had a nice long talk and walk and she found me to be as she put it, very granola, whatever that means. I'm still not entirely sure, but I did know that she had two sisters, one of which her older sister was also on America online. It turned out I discovered them both and was chatting with both of them and eventually was soliciting her older sister for advice on how to date her younger sister or how do I get your sister to open up to soften her edges to spend more time with me. Speaker 0 55:13 At the end of the day, the younger sister and I were just on a completely different wavelength. We really didn't want to talk to each other much after that date. The cool thing is is years and years and years later we are actually friends at actually say we have a strong bond, a strong appreciation for one another. And even recently we had a nice talk for over a few hours but back in the day it wasn't going so well for us. And the interesting thing was that for many weeks or months prior to meeting her, while I was trying to get to know her, I was constantly instant messaging back and forth with her older sister. And aside from asking her how I could date her younger sister, I wound up really getting to know this older sister pretty well. Now this is prior to everyone having a cell phone prior to being able to send selfies that didn't exist. Speaker 0 56:00 Even having a digital photograph of yourself was a little unusual because you pretty much had to scan it in. So finally one rainy evening when it turned out that things were definitely not going to work between the younger sister and I, I asked if we could finally meet face to face. Can I come over and say hi on this cold, rainy night? And I'll bring this bottle of <inaudible>, which was like a Mexican Lockyer that I had just back from Mexico, which is kind of odd if you know me because I don't drink. But in any case, to my pleasant shock and amazement, she said, yes. Well, it was seven o'clock on the dot. I'm in my drop top cruise in the streets. And so I drove that night back to downtown Santa Barbara. She actually lived in a bungalow where Charlie Chaplin himself used to live. She opened the door, invited me inside. Speaker 0 56:50 We spoke for about 30 minutes to an hour, and then I spent the entire weekend there. I think at the time she was six or seven years, my senior, it sounds very surprising today, but both of us were very mature, very well spoken, and we got along on a multitude of levels. I really appreciated her academic mind. The next morning when I went to take a shower at her house, I drew back the shower curtain and there was a brand new bottle of shaving cream, a razor deodorant, and fresh squeezed orange juice. And this began a precedent of kind gestures that this woman shared with me for years to come at the end of the day and years later her and I of course wound up not being the best match as well, and that was partially due to the fact that months before I met her, I had this vision of doing the education abroad program and meeting an Italian lover. Speaker 0 57:41 She could only be an Italian lover and that was how I wanted my life to evolve. So I was really fixated on another mission, but we got along so well, so much conversation, cooking all the time, dining out. It was a very well rounded relationship. But the big point of this fun little story is that being 19 years old, not having a job, being enrolled full time at university and also doing so on grants and scholarships, I had precious little disposable income at the time. Of course, she on the other hand, made her own money and had resources to do what she wanted in life. And so sometimes it turned out that if we wanted to go hiking, she treated me to a pair of hiking shoes and we'd go to dinner all the time and she loved exploring all of the different restaurants and Santa Barbara and both of us had such a refined palate. Speaker 0 58:31 We really enjoyed fine dining and she really enjoyed wine and so in order for both of us to enjoy and savor all of these experiences, she just took care of it over and over and over again. It was the only time in my life that I ever experienced something like that. I'm so thankful and appreciative that I did. Number one. It really is amazing to have the feeling of someone once in a while making you feel taken care of, appreciated and incredibly special and yes, even as a man, number two, it also helped me understand the position that women often find themselves in and how easy it winds up being. When someone says, I got it. Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it. Put your money away, put your card away. I appreciate the gesture. I know you don't have it. Let me this for you. Speaker 0 59:23 In rather short order, after a handful of times of being treated like this, it inevitably becomes very easy to just say, okay, to begin to assume and know that this is probably what's going to happen. It establishes a pattern of how things are going to be and it taught me deep down, even if you want to contribute to a person who insists on being generous, it's very difficult to say no, especially if you feel like they've got it and you don't. Sometimes I downright had to push her card away or say, no, I'm getting this one. Let me do something. Let me take care of you back. And the times that I couldn't, I distinctly remember this is interesting, wanting to satisfy her in other ways, wanting to make sure she came really good that night, wanting to go down on her or satisfy her and you know, you think to yourself, how can I show my appreciation? Speaker 0 00:13 Well being nice. That's just a given, being kind, sweet, polite. These are things you hopefully just do naturally in relationship. But it felt and seemed to me that one of the right things to do was to be even more awesome and generous in bed. I share that with you because I want you to understand that I've got a sensitivity to being on both sides of the equation, even if predominantly I've always been the one to pay. It's interesting to note though that the way almost all of my future relationships with women played out when it comes to how they would show generosity. It was always through very small kind gestures. Them occasionally getting a meal or a tea or a smoothie or just picking up something small like in the under $20 range. Sure. Occasionally a woman treats me to lunch or dinner, but yet I don't think I've ever seen anything since like what I did when I was 19 and I've seen a lot considering all of my unique experiences and have only shared a tiny fraction of them here with you. Speaker 0 01:13 I've really had to do some soul searching to figure out where my beliefs come from when it comes to paying. How did I wind up in a position where that's what I wind up doing. That's what I feel is the expectation. That's even sometimes when I feel obligated to do and I'm really not sure where it came from. I've got an incredibly close and tender relationship with both my parents and even though we can talk about anything under the sun, there has never been a time where dad is sat me down or mom has sent me, dad said, okay, now son, listen, this is what you're supposed to do and this is what you need to do. It wasn't that type of upbringing. No one said to me, you need to mold yourself into a gentleman or be chivalrous or behave in a certain way to get something from women and certainly no one ever told me that I need to pay on a first date because that's just what's done. Speaker 0 01:59 There just wasn't ever any talk like that in the house. There was never any talk about gender roles or expectations of what a man and woman should do for one another. The absence of it doesn't mean that we didn't have an open and communicative family dynamic. We could speak about anything under the sun. Remember too, of course, this is before all social media, before the internet, before we could instantly receive photographs before we could even text message. I think I had just grown out of having a beeper in my house. Of course we learned about respect, being polite, having manners, doing unto others as we would have them do unto you. So to the best of my memory, I have no recollection or thought of anyone telling me that I should need to or ought to pay for women in the very, very beginning. And yet, as you've heard, somehow I found myself doing it endlessly and relentlessly. Speaker 0 02:46 Hm. I can even remember my first ever date that I want to say was in the sixth grade, maybe seventh or eighth, my parents owned a restaurant at the time and I remember this girl was going to come spend some time with me and we could hang out in the cafe in a booth. We had a 50s cafe with neon lighting and a jukebox. And the booths were like this very Aqua teal kind of color. And this particular setup was way in the back of the restaurant where I could have some semi privacy with my new mate. And a couple of days earlier I was with my mom and some sort of crystal shop and I remember seeing a little tiny crystal necklace and I thought, I want to get this for her. And it was Denise, I want to get this for Denise. And my mom helped me get it. Speaker 0 03:29 All I could think about was how do I give her this gift? When will the time be right to do so? What will I say to do it? How do I go about doing it? So it's funny because in that case the food would have been provided by my parents and I think even the crystal would have been provided by my mom. But there was a sort of desire to give. And I think what a lot of modern women forget is how inspired men are by your beauty, natural beauty. Not all the extra stuff, but like so inspired and moved. By the way, you look that it just, it brings out this side of us. It makes us want to do shit for you. Now, isn't that a sweet story? Doesn't that make you say Aw and doesn't on some level make you just want to say, men just want to do this stuff for us? Speaker 0 04:17 We just bring it out in them. Okay, sure. But what's the flip side of this coin? While the rest of the story is that I never hung out with her again. We didn't have another date. I didn't get her phone number. We didn't spend any cozy time together. We didn't play hopscotch and checkers and it was a great date. As far as sixth grade dates go. Nothing else ever for the rest of our lives. I think she's married with three children now. Can you imagine if I or my mom as it were, went around buying crystal necklaces for every future girl for the next couple years of elementary school and junior high. C'mon. So as sweet and as special as that. Is it <inaudible> I don't wanna say it had no point because it didn't go anywhere. It was a special moment and I'm sure it meant a lot to her at the time, but in terms of the investing that I did, not financially, but emotionally and the anx and the worry and the concern and wanting to spend so much time with this girl and then all for not all for nothing. Speaker 0 05:17 Now of course I'm being a little playful. It's a sixth grade crush come on, but it really does translate to real world dating. What happens when a man works up? All this excitement, he's so inspired by her, he gets so excited, he wants to take her places and do things for her and buy her gifts. And then by, by here, it's probably also worth noting initially when I was dating at a very young age, and by that I mean well after the sixth grade, it wasn't ever about buying things on the first date or taking a woman out to dinner. Specifically back at UCFB, I met the girl I fell in love with in college simply by virtue of her stumbling and fumbling down the dorm hallway because she was sick and not feeling good. And I happened to have just gotten home from a date reflecting on what a nice evening I had just had with the young girl named Larysa and down came this girl and I thought, Oh my God, here is the girl I've really wanted that I'd been wanting to talk to. Speaker 0 06:13 It's late at night. She's out and about what wound up happening is I brought her back to my dorm room to give her a full body massage to of course soothe her and help her feel better cause she was sick much to my roommates, chagrin who continued to grown and moan and make fussy noises the entire time. So I had to ask her to leave, but sure enough the next day we were very, very intimately involved and saw each other everyday without even going on dates until we planned things after a couple of times or two to get off campus. I remember we were very creative with our dates. There was please her day where I spent the entire day pleasuring her. She was an artist, so there was a time where we painted on each other's chests. I think I introduced her to a rave or two and eventually we even threw a rave together at the student community center and those type of sweet things are really worth remembering. Speaker 0 06:59 She would become the first girl that I ever fell in love with. I talked about it earlier. You don't have to have lots of resources to make a date fun or exciting. I know we live in a bit of a different world now where everyone's petrified about coming over to someone's place and you never know and it just seems like a stupid thing to do. I also do believe in intuition. I also believe in using your best judgment and guidance, and we have all these things at our disposal like Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, video chatting, FaceTiming, and you can really see what a person's like before you go spend time with them. At the same time, as you heard me allude to earlier, I do think that when someone is in a position of having resources or if they're easily able to provide an experience for someone, that it's something that these people are, we actually like to do. Speaker 0 07:44 There's this natural tendency to give. When I think back to paying for dates early on in life, there's something about it that never felt so complicated. There wasn't such a strong shadow side to it. Was she going to pretend to pull out her card or wallet? Was it all going to be an act? I didn't feel like there was a lot of inauthenticity, nor did I sense a lot of expectation and I especially don't recall feeling judged or that something wasn't going to happen in terms of us spending more time together if she wound up contributing or paying. I think it wasn't until I got to my mid to late twenties that it became apparent that my answer of whether I would pull out my wallet or not was literally going to dictate whether or not we'd spend more time together, whether or not we'd be having sex. Speaker 0 08:30 In many cases it just didn't exist. I'll share one more story with you. I remember so clearly. The third girl that I ever slept with, her name was Gail, and at the time I was wanting to paint my room, so I was still living at home with my mom. I was 16 years old and I'd gone to the home Depot to find the perfect shade of paint to contrast the baseboards with the walls at the time. And in retrospect it was very kind to my mom to let me do that. I remember I could not take my eyes off the cashier. Oddly, there were a lot of hot girls who worked at home Depot at the time and I was so attracted to this girl. She had perfect proportions for me. She was Latina and petite and curvy at the same time and had a beautiful face. Speaker 0 09:14 I was so drawn to her, even with her orange bib on. So I asked her for her phone number and I think she was about 24 years old. Our first interaction together was spent talking on the phone and just sort of building rapport and getting actually very turned on and excited by one another. And our first date was her coming directly over to the house. And guess what? It didn't involve any money. It didn't involve proving myself or treating her to anything. Didn't involve meeting somewhere in public, didn't involve going out. It was her coming over to the house and her only feelings of guilt and shame at the time was that she didn't shave her legs. She felt so bad about it. She said, Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I promise I'll make up for it some other time. Like, I hope it doesn't gross you out. Speaker 0 10:00 I was like, it's really okay. We can definitely still have some fun and a little bit of fun. We had things went on like this for a while until she confessed the entire thing to her Mormon Bishop or church master or whatever. And he asked her to bring everything to a close, which was very sad for me. But in any case, early on, through all of these experiences and even when I started paying for things, it always felt like taking care of a woman, taking good care of her. And that felt nice. All right, so that's enough of my personal life for now. Before we wind down part one of this episode, let's take a look at one more subject. Who is the one doing the asking? Who's inviting? Who out on the first or second or third date and does that mean that they should pay? Speaker 0 10:44 It always occurred to me that if I'm the one doing the asking, no matter what our activity or proclivity looks like, that it defers to me to pay. It sounds like a really good argument, doesn't it? What do you think the person who does the asking is the one who should do the pain? I think almost anyone would agree with that. They thought of it. It's their activity. They brought it up. They know where it is and how to get there and all of those details, shouldn't they pay? Sure. It makes perfect sense, but we're forgetting one fairy fairy important detail. Who is the person who has to do almost all of the pursuing, inviting, initiating, and asking out almost 100% of the time. Who asks who out on the first date? Who generally comes up with ideas on what to do on the first, second and third date. Speaker 0 11:29 If a man is the one doing all the chasing, pursuing, inviting, and asking, then oftentimes a woman is never in the position to do the asking herself. It seems to me that there's not really room to have a discussion on whoever asks is the one who should pay if almost all of the time the man is the one doing the asking. So it's one of those things where if you're a woman you really have to look at that aspect of what is most convenient for you. And if you look at it through this lens, this really is a question of convenience. So where are we thus far? This is clearly not something that's going to resolve itself. After a couple episodes. You've heard me argue both sides and even share life experiences where I've been on both sides of the table. It's all too easy to say that a man simply should or things just should be this way because that's the way they are. Speaker 0 12:16 But it's so largely depends on how resourced someone is and especially if you are a woman who has a normal job, you should know exactly how hard it is to get by with all of your expenses and all your costs. And if a man is in a similar profession and earns a similar amount of money per year, then you have to understand that even if he'd like to, even if he loved to, even if he thinks he should, well, he shouldn't go getting himself into all sorts of debt and financial problems to his detriment just so he can pay for what has the potential to be an empty first date or an amazing experience. But when you meet someone for the first time, we have absolutely no idea how much money they make. Usually some people love to advertise that in their fancy cars or homes or the way they dress or simply bragging about it right off the bat. Speaker 0 13:05 But most of us are not like that. So we're going to pick this up in part two. I hope this has given you some serious food for thought. Take a moment to reflect and if you have someone to talk to about it, speak to them about it. What are your thoughts and feelings? Do you want to write it down? Do you want to clarify how you feel? Is it always situational? Are you going to be rigid in your thinking and still say, you know what? Heard all that, I still don't care. I'm still putting my foot down. It's going to be my way. Or is there some room for improvement? Hope you enjoyed and I'll catch you in the next episode.