Speaker 0 00:00 Welcome to the closeness podcast. The following is based on both personal experiences and wisdom as well as personal experiences that have been contributed to us. Generalizations are sometimes made for the sake of brevity, but are never meant to exclude or offend. You can support these podcasts by donating to our
[email protected] forward slash closeness now, are you ready to come closer? Let's get started. What a beautiful summary Sunday morning to talk about how to figure out what turns us on exactly so that we can be better lovers, givers and receivers of the exact type of pleasure that we want most across the board on my coaching practice, and of course privately in my own life. The number one thing I hear from so many partners is that they don't know what makes them tick. They don't know what turns them on or they use a particular phrase that we're going to get into it a little bit.
Speaker 0 00:56 That really takes the conversation nowhere when you're trying to find out. So what that means is we stunt our own growth when it comes to experiencing more pleasure and excitement in our intimate relationships. Pleasure is actually a very hard subject. We have words like hedonistic or self-absorbed or selfish and a lot of negative connotation around experiencing pleasure and feeling good. Are you someone in your intimate affairs who allows yourself to feel as much pleasure as possible? Do you ever shut interactions down when things are feeling good? Do you get in your head? Do you think, oof, do I deserve to feel this much pleasure? And the answer is probably you do. We all do. One of the primary reasons I created closeness was, aside from helping people get closer and solving painful issues and getting people out of pain and into pleasure, was to actually take the pleasure you are experiencing to an exponentially greater level.
Speaker 0 02:01 So we're looking at not specifically what excites us and what turns us on, but finding out how do you even learn this about yourself? How do you figure it out? How does your partner figure it out with you? So to do this, we need to establish how we communicate with ourselves, with our partners and the people who care about us. What are the words that we use? How do we shut things down? So repetitiously how do we close ourselves off to experiencing more pleasure or more zest out of life and sex when we don't even intend to? In a sense, it's learning how to speak better English or whatever language you are speaking and communicating in so that you are understood and your needs are understood better. This then is number one, and I'm not going to call it communication because you can't just say communicate and expect everyone to know what you mean.
Speaker 0 02:52 You can't just say it's all about communication and therefore you're suddenly going to communicate better or even in a way that your partner can understand. And for me what it often comes down to is our vocabulary choices. The words that we choose to use to answer questions and the way we shut opportunities for closeness down by using very dismissive or diminutive or vague phrasing that doesn't let the conversation go any further. Chris Tucker said it best. Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? And the answer is more often than not, no, we do not. So vague phrasing, is that something you do? Do you purposely choose your words so that people don't know where you are, what you're doing, how you're feeling and what's going on with you? If that is your intention. Okay, but for so many of us, we're not aware that we're doing this and we don't know that we're shutting it down at all costs and we think that giving this one word answer or the fact that we've given any answer at all has somehow helped the person understand us better when in fact that couldn't be farther from the truth.
Speaker 0 03:59 As such, I'd like to offer everyone the opportunity to eliminate a few select words from your vocabulary or bring consciousness around the way you use them and your intention behind using them. I want to invite you to take a moment to reflect on how often you find yourself using the following words. I don't know. Sometimes, maybe it depends. Do you like being kissed on your neck? It depends. Do you like a soft touch or a firm touch? It depends. Would you like me to go down on you? Maybe. What can I do right now to make you feel incredible? I don't know. Where do you like to be kissed? I don't know where. Some of your spots and make you feel amazing. I don't know. What's something that you love to have done to you? I don't know. Do you like having your stomach kissed?
Speaker 0 04:53 Sometimes. How about caresses? Does that sound nice? Maybe. Would you like me to just shut up and kiss you? It depends. What does it depend on exactly? I don't know. Now you're probably thinking to yourself, but it really does depend and maybe you don't really know. Sure. All are true in the moment that you say them, but when it comes to real communication to understanding what your partner wants to being able to give to your partner exactly what they want. Everyone on the planet is going to need a heck of a lot more than maybe sometimes. I don't know and it depends. Even if it does depend. You've got to internalize this. These four phrases do absolutely nothing to help you get closer with your partner to help them understand you or to even have some clarity around a situation to know if it really is okay or you are ready or you want to talk about it further.
Speaker 0 05:47 And so the key here is to either eliminate those phrases from your vocabulary entirely. Ponder think for a moment, give pause and consider what your answer might be and then give a different answer than you have before that more accurately reflects what you're feeling or explain yourself further. It's okay to say sometimes I like this, sometimes I don't. It depends on what my mood is. I have to be in the right frame of mind, but, but if someone's trying to get to the bottom of something with you and you want them to get to the bottom of it, you would like to feel this pleasure and you would like to be pleasured by them. Giving them a response that goes nowhere, only forces them to continue to ask questions, which can then lead to even agitating you. Situations like this commonly come up when someone is going down on a woman and they want more guidance, they want some help or they want to know if it's working or not or they want to check in.
Speaker 0 06:41 So they might ask, what do you like? I don't know what you're doing feels fine. Do you want me to do something different? That feels great. What can I do to help make you come? You're doing great so far. You could keep doing what you're doing. <inaudible> I know, and I know it's not all about coming and I know we don't have to get you there and it's about the journey, not the destination, but is there something I can do to help you have this orgasm right now? I don't know. It depends. I just can't think right now. If you're talking, let's just just do it. Just keep doing it. Okay, so even sometimes positive feedback can be nice and affirming. That's great. You're doing great. Keep doing what you're doing. Yes. Sometimes that works but it doesn't help us unlock more and it really doesn't let us know where we are on the spectrum because things can feel good or really good.
Speaker 0 07:26 Things can take you to that place where you're pushed over the edge or they can keep you in your head and keep you sort of out of your body without being super present and it doesn't help take you further into your orgasm or into your body and into yourself. We'll get into later why this is and how a lot of us have some shame or guilt or don't feel like it's okay to ask for what we want, but it's specifically in these moments and it's actually very difficult for people to phrase questions in a way where you don't just get single word answers, especially with an open ended question like what do you like or what does make you feel good or how can I pleasure you in a way that feels incredible? Use this opportunity to not give a one or two or three word answer even if it makes you uncomfortable.
Speaker 0 08:11 It's worth exploring. What is it about these moments when someone wants to make me feel really good that makes me feel uneasy. Now this will come up again later, but some people truly do not like to talk at all during sex. It's like they're in a completely different state of mind and I understand that most of the time, most experiences predominantly almost all of your experiences can be that way, but sometimes a little guidance is nice, but look, if you're someone who can't at all open your mouth other than to make some oohing and aahing sounds during sex, then together as a couple you could really consider talking about sex more often before you have it. After you have it at a time when you're not having it so that when you do you have some sort of framework to navigate through. Otherwise it's never a good time and that's why I'm a big advocate of sexual fluency.
Speaker 0 09:03 The ability to speak sexual language, both nonphysically and yes with your mouth as well and with your words, but the number one response that's super CD of these four is the, it depends reply, friends, everything depends. Everything is a, maybe everything in the known universe isn't desirable to us all the time. 24 seven. Sometimes you like soft music, sometimes you like hard music first thing in the morning. Very few people want to wake up listening to pounding rap music or heavy metal. Very few people want to have something to drink or something to smoke as soon as they wake up and open their eyes. But it depends later in the day and later in the evening, suddenly you do. Can you imagine going shopping and you're looking for a very specific item, some jewelry, a crusade stockpot perhaps a new car or some cutlery and you say, hi, do you have this item? And they say it depends.
Speaker 1 09:57 Uh,
Speaker 0 09:58 okay. It depends on what, whether we have it in stock or not. Is it in stock? I don't know. You think maybe you can check on that? Maybe. So there's a dialogue happening, but not only is nothing getting said now the person responding is creating almost an adversarial response. There's tension, there's irritation, there's blockage as opposed to free flowing communication that allows someone to help you
Speaker 1 10:29 <inaudible>.
Speaker 0 10:30 So it's sort of a catchall answer that we already know is true anyway, but the important thing that you hear about all of these words, all of these phrases is that it's not going to go anywhere and the only time you should move forward that way is if you really don't want your partner to know anything about you, but these type of answers have a far worse effect than even not saying anything at all. It creates problems. It creates tension, and it creates irritation in both people simply by uttering these silly phrases. What really happens? Well when someone has to keep asking questions over and over because they're getting vague or unresponsive answers, it makes that person, yes, agitated, but also feel like they're begging for the information to come out and you as a recipient of these questions might even feel like they're even sounding a bit needy because they're simply trying to figure out what you like.
Speaker 0 11:19 You might be saying yourself, maybe whoever this person is speaking like this doesn't want to be asked any more questions or really doesn't know or doesn't communicate that way, then it absolutely falls on this person to at least say that sentence. I can't communicate about this. I don't express my feelings. I'm very shut down. I don't want to talk about this. Can we talk about something else? I don't care about my pleasure. Direct, simple sentences that anyone has access to. So the other person who's asking understands who they're dealing with and then evaluate if that's someone they want to be with. And generally speaking, when it comes to intimacy, a lot of people don't like to give instruction back and forth. Can you lick a little bit to the left? Can you put your finger here? It's very hard for most people and when you get caught in this sort of cerebral questioning, what about this?
Speaker 0 12:10 What about that? It makes it hard to share a deeper connection. So an alternative to simply saying something like, I don't know, might look like this. Let's say you've been with your partner for a little while and they really want to do something to take your pleasure to the next level. So he or she says, is there something I can do to you or for you right now that would help you feel really relaxed or really turned on? And you're about to say, I don't know the way you always do, but instead you say, wow, I've never been asked that question before. Or had someone take the time to explore this with me. That's really sexy. Come here. Let me give you some kisses. Why don't you start on my fill in the blank. Stomach, shoulder, neck, leg, back, upper back. Grab a handful of my hair. <inaudible>
Speaker 0 12:59 just like that. Squeeze a little harder. That's too much. Will you try using some nails? Let's explore this together. Can you use a little more pressure? Ooh, that's too much on my clit. Can you back off a little bit? Ah, your stubble or your beard hair is hurting me. Can you use more of your mouth or your lips? There are thousands and top of thousands of other answers that you can explore. Other than, I don't know. Let's say you have someone going down on you and you're a woman and someone asks you, do you prefer just having my tongue or do you also like fingers and you're cringing because someone said some words in English during a sexual moment and you're dying to say it depends. But instead, in that moment you stop yourself and you say, I really like what you're doing, but try softly using one finger.
Speaker 0 13:51 Or yes, what you're doing is great, but I'm really into two fingers. Or sometimes I'm in a fingers, but today I'm not craving it. Or actually do you have a toy or try mixing it up a little bit. Sometimes in, sometimes out or there's this thing I really like where you go like this with your finger and you do this with your tongue. Once again, infinite possibilities for communication. So the entire purpose of this first section is to clear up the ability to talk to your partner because everybody says it's all about communicating. But do you know how do you know what to say? The things to ask and what to do, especially as someone in an intimate situation when you are asking, it's very difficult to not break the mood if you have to ask like several questions in a row because you're not getting somewhere.
Speaker 0 14:38 So let's look one more time. How this plays out in our example, when you're using disempowering language and where it leaves the person who's asking, my God, you taste so good right now. Would you like me to use my fingers? And you say, Hmm, maybe one or two, I don't know. Let's start with one. Do you like this? Sometimes what can we do to help get you there and take you over the edge? It depends. Now you're in this strained environment of weird questioning and it has made your partner feel and you probably like you're being questioned and it leaves your partner in a more hopeless place than they were before when they're trying to navigate your own body, and especially women should consider men do not have the same origin that you do, nor do we have one that is nearly as complex. A lot of men know, generally speaking, where things are and that if you touch the clit light enough or firm enough in a certain way, it'll create a certain response.
Speaker 0 15:34 But beyond that, there's a lot of guiding that most people are going to have to do to really make someone masterful, especially if someone wants to take the time with your body. And this is no different if you're a man receiving oral sex. Now men have a different issue of just going silent or radio silent and it's worth practicing some authentic noises of any kind, some breathing perhaps to let your partner know there's a pulse, a little <inaudible>, a little, ah, a little like I really liked that. I don't like this. Be careful of your teeth. Can you try this technique? Women are delighted when a man is able to speak up and express what he wants and what he likes in a sweet and respectful way, and unfortunately with what we see in porn with people just like sledgehammering where everything is, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck this pussy.
Speaker 0 16:23 Fuck yeah, you fucking like that fucking fuck. Fuck you. Fuck. Which presumably is hot to certain groups of people. One very big tip that I have for men, which is actually quite a global secret that I don't think I've ever heard anyone speak about in my life. Stop speaking under your breath. It's not sexy. No one can hear you if you're intentionally whispering or you're doing it with a certain effect, great, but if she's moaning and groaning and coming and screaming and screaming and you're like, come over here. Get on all fours and fuck fucking from behind. Oh, I forgot. That's really hot. Oh yeah. Woo. That's not very sexy. That's not sexy at all. Use your voice. Find resonance in your chest and speak what you want. Clearly, look at your partner. She is so vibrant and open and loud and you could barely get a few words out.
Speaker 0 17:14 You know there's a difference between an intentional whisper. God, he looks so good and something that's less the case. But in terms of communicating with your partner, speaking, saying a few words, if you're a man beyond the word, fuck, fuck yeah, that's fucking hot. Keep fucking doing that and fuck this and fuck that. Expressing what you like or asking for something different is really, really effective. All right, now we can get into the fun and the juicy stuff. Where are your spots? Where are all of your spots? This should be a question that everyone has in their toolbox. Where are the places on your body that when you touch them, lick them, kiss them, feel them, rub them, turn you on the most? And once again, the answer may be, I don't know. Now this may very well be true for most people. I can't begin to tell you the quantity of women I've spoken to who simply don't know where they like to be kissed, touched, licked in a way that really turns them on.
Speaker 0 18:20 Because no one has taken the time to find those spots, but more importantly, ladies, you haven't taken the time to find those spots either on yourself and very often with your partner as well. One of the tenants of closeness is that it's extremely important to know thyself and something that I do all the time in my coaching programs is I instruct people how to touch yourself, and even that phrase, when I say it, you should touch yourself. It just reeks of masturbation, something offensive, sexual touch or doing something inappropriate or something like this. I don't know what it is about this phrase that girl is touching herself right now. That man over there is touching himself, but it would be great to find a re empowering alternative or to rewire it in a way where it sounds like that's something I want to do and don't have problems if I'm caught doing it.
Speaker 0 19:13 Believe it or not. Many people either do not masturbate, do not touch themselves, do not know what they look like down there and don't really know how their anatomy works. How you like to be touched. Is it a soft, gentle, circular motion? Is it a consistent up and down stroke like you are rubbing something out so to speak? Do you put your fingers inside yourself and then slide them out and upward over your clit and then back in and the question everybody's mind, do you like having things in your ass? What about as a man? What do you like? Do you like your partner's hand to be lubricated? Do you like when they aired almost tugging on you? Are you only sensitive at the tip? Are you only sensitive at the bottom? If she's going down, do you like her to go down further? How do you figure all of these things out?
Speaker 0 20:02 You do it yourself or you do it with a partner and you explore your body. Now, one of the areas that I specialize in that I find that no one talks about ever is the type of touch that we like other than sexual stimulation, soft sensual touch, or even from an aggressive touch in anything in between can lead to being sexually aroused. It can lead to being turned on, but it doesn't have to be used in that way and you can touch yourself in so many ways. So I hope that this is one of the biggest gifts I can ever give you is permission and the ability to start to love and explore your own body while you are the age that you are and not 20 years from now, 30 years from now, 50 years from now, and like maybe you're 70 or 80 and you're thinking, gosh, if only I tried it or knew myself better when everybody wanted to pleasure me and everybody wanted to make me feel good now on this way, and I wish I touched myself earlier in life now and up in the years and I wish I took more time with my partner.
Speaker 0 21:04 Do it now. It's the only time you have to that end right now. I'd like to guide you through an experience so that you can begin to explore and find out where some of your spots are in a very safe and clean way to do that. Find a comfortable position in a chair on your bed or in a place where you feel like you have some privacy. You can start with your fingertips. We use our hands every day for everything and yet they are incredibly sensitive. Maybe some of you have done that exercise where you rub your hands together really, really firmly and start to build up an energy ball and you start to feel that she going back and forth from your hands, your fingertips. Maybe some of you are Reiki practitioners and you're already in tuned with energy and you could feel energy. So bring awareness to your fingertips, look at them and bring the tips of your fingers together to touch softly, softly.
Speaker 0 21:58 Slide the tips of your fingers down your other fingertips. Let your fingertips graze over your other fingers, down over your Palm, your wrist, maybe even up your forearm, maybe linger at your elbow and take it up to your shoulder. You could softly use your fingertips to make circles around your shoulders and your neck. And you can also begin to explore all the areas of your neck, the spot behind your ear, the base of your neck. Can you go lighter? Softer? Do you like nails? Try scratching herself a little bit, lightly, firmly. Where's your limit? Do you like soft nail scratches? Do you like them everywhere?
Speaker 0 22:43 Now come back down and do the same thing on the outside of your arm and the outside of your fingers. And notice how it feels completely different, perhaps arousing, perhaps more neutral or perhaps not relaxing or exciting at all. If you're really ticklish, does this feel better or do you like being touched on the inside? Is your thumb less sensitive than the rest of your fingertips? What about different areas of your Palm? If you're sitting down or lying down, place your hand now on your knee and using all five of your fingertips. Just begin to make some soft circles around your kneecap.
Speaker 0 23:23 Now that a finger stroke the inside of your knee. What about the underside of your knee? If you don't feel anything? And it just feels like you're being palpated try using a much lighter, much softer touch. You can't stand being tickled. Try the scratch if you don't like nails and try doing more of a firm soft touch. And if that doesn't work, massage yourself. Give yourself some squeezes. Firms squeezes. Can you tell what you like? Let your fingertips slide up from your knee to the inside of your thigh and just softly graze your fingertips over different areas of the inside of your thigh. Where are you most sensitive? What feels the best? For some of you, this might be very arousing. And for some of you this might just feel relaxing and good and peaceful. And we're going for either of those two results.
Speaker 0 24:19 Now what about your tummy? If you're in a place where you can safely and comfortably raise your shirt, if it is an offer up already, begin to caress yourself softly on your stomach. Do you love it and does it make you feel warm and cozy? Do you hate it? And if so, do you hate it because you don't like the way you look there? Or does it feel good? But your mind is telling you you're fat or an attractive or Harry or something like this. Try to put the self-talk aside and just touch her stomach.
Speaker 0 24:49 Touch the upper side near your chest and your breasts, the lower side near your pelvis and really find out what feels good. Now, of course, you know where you can go next from here. There are many places you can work your way up or down. You can make it more sensual by playing with or tugging softly on your nipples or pinching them or softly playing with them. What in them was saliva and so on and so forth. So just starting to understand where you like to be touched and how you like to be touched. Have you ever had someone just touch you and you just melted right away? He said, ah, do more of that please, please, please. You turn into like a ball of mush in their hands because they just did it in the right way. Are you the kind of person who likes to be sensually softly and lovingly touched but not when it becomes sexual and there is a fine line with that because so much of sensual touch can be sexual and so much of sexual touch can be central.
Speaker 0 25:53 They often bleed into one another. Where are the edges of your limits? Is it just when someone touches you between your legs and your breasts or your chest? What makes something feel sexual versus not and do you only like it if it's sexual? I can tell you personally from experience, one of the measures I use in terms of how it makes me feel is, is this turning me on or relaxing me and I find that when something is loving or platonic or sweet or even from a partner who I'm having sex with, but the intention isn't sexual, it really relaxes me. It's soothes me, it makes me almost want to fall asleep and I just want to lay there while they're doing that to me. Whereas sexual touch is more like, Oh, Oh this, Oh, it's time to handle this right now. We're going to be doing this.
Speaker 0 26:39 It's more rousing. It's more energetic. It makes me more and feel more animalistic, for instance. So finding unique ways to touch yourself, whether you're a man or woman, whether it's masturbating or just exploring your body with your hands or a toy or even a massage tool or a feather or different objects, a piece of silk or satin, how does it feel grazing across your body? Do you like more intense things? It's not about seduction. It's not about 50 shades of gray or any outrageous behavior. Think even the way a soft breeze feels on your skin or on your face or how the sun feels or how cool weather feels, what do you like? You're the only one who really knows, and especially if you've been one of those girls who expects your man to know what you like. You have to understand that this is so different for every girl on the planet.
Speaker 0 27:35 You could line 15 girls up and no matter how similar they look or how well they know each other or even if they're sisters, each of them is going to like to be touched differently and going to want a different approach and even going to pleasure themselves in a different way. Some will like it hot, heavy, intense and rough and almost like pounding. Others will be soft and gentle. Some people will like a combination of both of those and the levels of intensity that they're going to like is all going to be different. So when people expect their partner to just know or to somehow know for them or to figure it out, that takes a very skilled individual. Number one who even wants to take the time to do that and number two, to do it in a way that's not irritating or annoying or not with tons of questions.
Speaker 0 28:16 And number three, if they're just coming out of a relationship or just had sex with or were with a previous partner who wanted the complete opposite is you. It takes some time to adapt into a new way of doing it, especially because sex essentially must default to whatever the woman likes and enjoys. Not that men can't have fun too or have requests and do things that they like, but it's all contingent on whether the woman feels safe about it, wants that, enjoys that. Because if not, everyone's going to have a terrible time and it creates all sorts of problems. Let's say a guy really likes it rough, but a woman can't get into that at all. The only way she can have sex as soft, he has to by default change his nature and calibrate roster's going to be serious repercussions. And if he is very soft and loving and gentle and sweet, and you're one of those girls who's just like holding on your man's hips and just pulling him into you like bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, gang bang, bang, bang, bang.
Speaker 0 29:15 May, may Mang or you use phrases like it's just sex. What's the big deal? I don't want to feel all this romantic shit. It's going to be a big learning curve for a guy who's calibrated in that more soft and gentle way. So in sum, figure it out for yourself and then articulate it in his clear of words as you possibly can to your partner, what you like and let them try and give them the chance to make you feel great. And this brings us perfectly into number three. It's not weird to workshop it. It's not awkward to talk about it. It's not weird to discuss it before doing it. It's not weird to try something new and see how it makes you feel and laugh and giggle about it. It's not weird to feel uncomfortable with things. There's nothing wrong with making a game out of it.
Speaker 0 30:02 There's nothing wrong with making progressions and building on them. It's not weird to workshop it. You don't have to worry about killing a moment to talk about it. You don't have to break up with someone because you think they don't know your body and you have an expectation that they should. You don't have to cancel the sexual interaction because you think he should know things about you that you don't know. You don't have to worry about suddenly becoming not attracted to the person or not into it because you had a tiny handful of conversations about what you like and you certainly don't have to talk about all this stuff right before you do it or when you're doing it. A lot of people have an aversion to talking about sex in the middle of sex because it takes away from the moment. If you're someone like that, have the conversation at any other part of the day but have the conversation.
Speaker 0 30:54 The other thing many people have a big, large swelling concern with is killing the moment because you're talking about it and because you're having a conversation. Now, many people will tell you, you can make this very fun. This can be exciting. This can be a really great part of sex. It doesn't have to be so sterile. So if I take my gadget and move it two centimeters to the left end up, is that what's going to make you spill? Communication is the play, the inter exchange back and forth of dialogue and understanding and listening. If someone asks you an open ended question, is there something I can do to make you feel better? Think about it for a minute and what do I mean by workshopping it? That means you're in dialogue while you're trying something. Yes, with your legs open and looking at each other and probably the lights on at some level and you're figuring it out.
Speaker 0 31:50 What works? What do I like? It might pull you into your head a little bit. It might make you feel a little self conscious. It might make you feel like this isn't exactly the most sexy or sexual experience I had, but this particular experience, you're not doing it for the sexy factor. You're not doing it for the hot factor. You're doing it because what you've been doing hasn't been working and what your partner has been doing to you. Has it been working? So you're trying to figure out new rules, new territory, new spots, new things that make you giggle or smile or squirm or feel incredible pleasure or things that push you into that animalistic, carnal state. There aren't a lot of ways to do this without figuring it out first, unless you have an incredibly patient and incredibly devoted partner who wants to do nothing but explore you and make do with whatever minimal feedback you give him or her while they're trying to figure your body out and you're just sort of helping them along a little bit.
Speaker 0 32:52 It takes some workshopping or you get lucky or you just have someone who's incredibly adept. Inevitably what people are going to do is figure out what the other person likes. One little thing he likes deep throat, she likes soft, slow strokes, and they're going to do that again and again and again and again and again because it achieves a desired result. We all get caught in a patterns, so if you're lucky enough to have someone ask you, how do you like it when someone goes down on you, what type of sex are you into, what do you like and what are some kinky things or non kinky things that turn you on? If you're lucky enough to have someone ask you those questions, really consider taking some time to answer them and to workshop it and to dialogue a little bit and to give someone more.
Speaker 0 33:35 Once again, then I don't know. Sure, try it out. Maybe you're doing great. Sometimes you might even discover that a great time to try some of these exercises is when you are in your head a little bit or you're not really in the mood to have sacks, but you're kind of open to some play or you're not all together or you're not super turned on and excited. What a great time to explore with your partner. What makes you feel that way? Now, of course this always works better with someone that you know or you like or you trust or you built a little bit but can also work with someone you've never been with. You can have a conversation about it over dinner if things are already feeling like they're ramping up and feeling sexual. And if you're having a sexual talk about tastes and desires, that's even more exciting for what's going to come later.
Speaker 0 34:20 Sometimes it can seem awkward or an inopportune time to bring up a conversation like that. And that's usually because you've been so much in your head or kept the conversation so ordinary and sterile that it hasn't had a chance to move in that direction yet. So if you're looking for a way to ease things in, begin to make a little more eye contact, maybe reach out. And if your partner and you have established that it's comfortable, touch one another in some way, shoulder hair, a caress of some sorts, begin to make some sensual comments. And then you can ask questions like, so when someone's going down on you or when you're kissing or when we're kissing, do you find that your neck is more sensitive than your back? Do you like being kissed on your neck? Where's a place that you love to be touched?
Speaker 0 35:09 And that brings us right into tip number four. Here's a tip on how to actually pleasure your partner better than you have been before. Men tend to be genital focused and driven by their genitals, driven by how they're touched down there and how it feels when you touch them down there. And for many men, the only way they feel love and acceptance and connection and like there's really something good going on. You two is when he is being stimulated there, you're giving him a blow job, you're having great sex, you're having anal sex, whatever it is. Whereas women tend to be more mind and body focused. So men are more genital focused and women are more mind and whole body focused. Knowing this and applying this alone unlocks huge potential for making your partner feel great. And also of note, it tends to be true that men work from that area out and women often work from the outward in.
Speaker 0 36:11 The problem is we do what we like and we do to others what we think we like, not necessarily what they might like. So if you're a man, it's very likely you reach between a girl's legs really quickly, boobs, but Nona, boom, boom, boom, you're going for all the parts that they want you more often than not to take a little more time with. And sometimes it doesn't have to be much more time at all, but this is where the whole foreplay comes in. And I think foreplay's a scary word for a lot of people in terms of like, am I supposed to do something for 20 minutes first or how long should I be doing this for? It just means take a little bit of time and work from the outside in and the outside could be like way outside the body. It could be phone calls and texts and little reminders and little things throughout the time that you're spending together that are building her up to be ready, stoking the fire.
Speaker 0 37:02 Don't confuse that with stroking the fire, which is more of a male oriented activity. Whereas for guys, many men are going to enjoy a woman's touch no matter what. Don't get me wrong, if you're caressing them or touching their chest or running your fingers through their hair, of course they're going to love it, but if you're trying to really turn someone on sexually, so many men are, call it Cox centric. You're going to get the most favorable results by putting your hand, mouth or body there and it's incredible the difference the mean that your hand could be anywhere else, your mouth could be anywhere else and it can be incredibly exciting or relaxing or what have you, but where things really, really get exciting and feel, for many men, the most connected is that way for both men and women. It's important to remember to not just do your default thing that you like or what you think you'd like to have done to you, which is why I give you all this background on communication, expressing it and talking about it with each other.
Speaker 0 38:01 So you know, finally just to spell it out, what does it look like to work from the outside in exactly what the self exploration looks like? Started her fingertips or her shoulders or neck. Run your hands through her hair. Look at her, hold her face, lots of kissing for many, many people flipper around and caress her back or kiss her back. Push herself up against her but without trying to have sack. Just as a way to say, here I am and this is what's coming. Give her a look when you walk across the room, hold eye contact when you're talking. Smile in a particular way that you think is arousing. Some people like little nibbles and little bites. Some people like soft caresses, some people like really, really firm and hard massage. Some people like nails, I sure as hell don't. And then I do want to give one caveat here to be fair to men, especially if you've ever read articles on how to seduce a woman or how to make any woman fall in love with you, or you know how to make a woman squirt or how to make a woman do any number of sexual things to you.
Speaker 0 39:02 It's often recommended to give 20 minutes to an hour of foreplay. And if you're the type of person who has that level of time, commitment and patience every time you have sex with your partner, between work, kids, family, exercise, career and sleep, to spend 60 nonstop minutes warming someone up, making out caressing and kissing and so forth, that is absolutely incredible and wonderful and more power to you. But we know what life is like. Most people do not have the mental or physical capacity, much less stamina to endure, playing around, kissing, touching, and exploring each other for that quantity of time. And again, with men being genital focused, it becomes very, very difficult for man to sustain enthusiasm, sustain arousal and excitement when nothing is moving towards sex. If it just stays in that area for play for an extremely prolonged period of time. Now I'm not talking about edging where you're trying to take a man to orgasm by giving him a blow job or taking there with your hands and then backing off.
Speaker 0 40:08 I'm talking about exclusively doing sensual or playful or flirtatious or even sexual activities like kissing, touching, caressing and that sort of thing. Yes, I think it's an incredible gift to give someone, by all means, give that to someone when you can, but women also need to understand that for a man to do that, it goes against most men's nature to take that quantity of time before having sex. So it feels like work. It feels like effort. It feels like strain. It doesn't feel like a fun, amazing, relaxing experience that you can just continue without stop for hours and hours. This is very much the feminine though, females perspective. Now I'm sure I have tons of friends who are in tantra communities who love prolonged, slow, romantic kissing and touching and play and all this stuff. I'm not saying I'm one way or another and I'm not suggesting you need to be one way or another, but generally speaking, what a woman loves and what opens her that sustained, relaxing, safe, constant, continuous shower and love and affection.
Speaker 0 41:16 It's wonderful when someone's doing that to you. In essence, I think a good way to describe it is for a man it's like getting a massage. Yes, we love to be relaxed and unwound and have some stress released, but what kind of effect that's creating is more of a soothing sensation and not as satisfying and the satisfying tends to happen for men sexually and genitally genitally what a funny word and the soothing and the relaxing and the cuddling will tend to come after once a man is spent or exhausted or satisfied or his felt release. Whereas you want to feel that first so that you can open up like that. Now the world will be a wonderful place if we were all tantric and all holding our orgasms back as men and retaining and we were all focused on each other's pleasure and also our own and had undivided attention to give to each of those things.
Speaker 0 42:09 But some people take an extreme amount in it and some people take an extreme amount of pleasure in their partner's pleasure for the ego boost of it. It makes them feel good. It makes them feel excited. Look what I'm doing to my partner, look how good I am. I'm turning them on. Look at what a sexual dynamo I am and, and so on. To me, that's not the best way to go about sex. Constantly proving how good you are, demonstrating how good you are having it go to your head. But if you take a genuine interest in making them feel good and you just can't get enough, you just eat them out and you kiss them and you love them and you ravish their body and you have sex for hours. Okay, great. But that is a very particular kind of individual. And what I mean by that is there just aren't a lot.
Speaker 0 42:47 There aren't a lot of people who have the time, energy, patience, resources, stamina and ability to spend an hour, two or three times a week, sustainably, continuously over time for multiple years before having Sachs. However, for those select few who can invest the time, whether it's 10 minutes or longer, you're really going to see a different side to your woman. You're going to unlock her differently. You're going to see her primal instinct. You're going to see her trust you more. Even if she seems relaxed, you're going to see her relax in a way that you never thought was possible. In essence, you're going to make someone feel like they can tell you anything or do anything with you. They might even tell you that you can do anything to them and really be with you. I think it's incredible for both men and women to have that experience.
Speaker 0 43:43 Women know and have known for a long time that men are so cock centric that right away they want to give the blow job and swallow or come here or there or give him the opportunity to come or release or have an orgasm and that if that happens, women, it's not time to pack your bags and go home and that's all that needs to be done. Okay, quickly, let's get some tissue to clean this up. Let's get some wipes. Let's get this stuff off of me. Let me go shower, rinse off, let me spit, whatever. All of those things are places where women can really lengthen and pause and saver his orgasm just precisely the way you want and expect him to savor you beforehand. I mean, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like it if a man made you come and then just leaped up off the bed in the shower was like, well, that was good. Likewise, take a little time. Can you get used to cuddling? I mean, yes. Sometimes some cleanup is necessary. Things get messy for sure, but a little caressing, a little more kissing, so many things can happen after a man and woman's orgasm to make the moment feel more connected and of course you know that's what closeness is all about.
Speaker 0 44:54 Okay. Number five deals with things that are a bit on the sensitive side of sexuality and that is if you're dealing with feelings of guilt, shame, and I'm even gonna put shyness in there because so often another knee jerk response to deny yourself pleasure is to say, I'm shy, I'm shy, I'm shy, I'm shy. Now, if you're 18 years old and you've been shy for the last six years of your life and it's what you know, it's understandable that sexually if you're just starting out, yes, you might be a little shy with these things, but if you're 23 or 26 or 36 or 46 and you're still feeling shy or you're still feeling emotions of guilt and shame, it's really worth doing some self reflection, some self work on the subject to help break you out of these things because all someone can give you as a partner is patience and understanding. If you're going through feelings of shame, guilt and shyness, all of that has to do with your own internal dialogue and I'm in no way saying that you can just change it at the drop of a hat or snap out of it, but it is something you have to work on. Now, work on is always a loaded word. I hate when people say that I'm gonna work on it. I'm going to work on it because what do you do specifically to work on it? Really?
Speaker 0 46:11 What do you do to work on your shame, your guilt, or your shyness? Well, one of the things you can do is specifically request your partner to back things up to the point where you're not feeling those emotions, any of those emotions. So let's say you find yourself hot and heavy with a partner, and this anxiety comes up of feeling guilt, shame, or shyness. You notice it in yourself and it makes you want to close off or close down. Maybe it even makes you want to shut down completely. How can you back it up a little bit or a lot, a bit in a way that makes you open again? So what you're looking for, if you're feeling any of these emotions is opening, not contracting.
Speaker 1 46:56 <inaudible>
Speaker 0 46:56 as with all things intimate and sexual, you're going for an expansiveness, not closed off, shut down in your head, feeling pain, that sort of thing. So let's say you're naked. Let's say that you haven't started having sex and you're fondling each other and maybe you're thinking about having oral sex. Things are really right at the point where something's about to happen. And then you get hit with a feeling. Can you say something like, actually, can you just cuddle me for a little bit or can you massage me here on this favorite spot that I know I had, but since I listened to closeness, I now know it's there. <inaudible> can I put my underwear back on? Can I put my bottoms on? I don't want the night to end, but can I cover myself up with a blanket? Can we put on some music? Can we done the lights?
Speaker 0 47:41 Can we shut the drapes? Is there something that will soothe you in a way that allows you to stay in the experience? Assuming you want to have it and makes you feel better, makes you feel a sense of relief and this is something that is going to come up time and time again if you deal with these feelings, but little by little, if you have a partner who helps make you feel safe and comfortable, you can really overcome them because I don't believe that being shy is something you are condemned to be for the rest of your life. And same thing with feelings of guilt and shame. These don't have to be feelings that you carry with you experience after experience, after experience, and sometimes just the mental thought of that. Do I really want to carry someone else's burden or something that someone else made me think or feel with me through every sexual experience I have?
Speaker 0 48:28 What if you're having sex two, three, four, five times a week? Do you want to constantly be reminded of that? And I'm, again, I'm very well aware that it's not a choice that if you could just choose to not feel these things, you wouldn't. But sometimes thinking about them in this way, huh? This happens a lot. How do I feel about that? Is there something I can do to change? It can really go a long way to make you feel better. Bringing consciousness and awareness, putting attention on the fact that you are a certain way and observing it without anger, frustration, judgment or concern. But just noticing can go miles to completely change your behavior for the better. So there you have it, five powerful tools to help you have better sex, know where your spots are, feel more connected and have a lot of fun.
Speaker 0 49:19 And one last bonus bonus tidbit if you made it this far, you call it number sex. Assume positive intent from your lovers and from the people who you want to allow to be close to you. Even though we live in a crazy world, even though we have many examples of how messed up people are and all the wrong choices that we all make, we are all flawed. We are all selfishly oriented and we are all not perfect. And yet somehow at the same time, we are all incredible creatures and all perfect just the way we are, and they're all most of the time doing our best. But assuming that someone means the best with their text messages, with their contact with you, with the way they speak to you, I'm not saying be naive, but having the expectation that they don't mean harm. You can also help bring you unbridled pleasure with the people who you like and you trust. Thank you for tuning into closeness and I'll see you next time. Thank you for listening. We hope you've enjoyed this immensely. To learn more about what we do, visit, get closeness.com and to donate to our Patrion or have one of your questions answered on the closeness podcast. Visit patrion.com forward slash closeness and remember, stay close.
