Speaker 0 00:00:00 Welcome to the Closeness Podcast, your new sexual education. My name is Tar. I'm your host, and today we're looking at the 10 reasons why a woman may not be having sex with you. To begin feel the difference. And I'm even gonna say the energetic difference between she gave it up to me last night. My wife doesn't want to have sex with me. I haven't got some in a long time. She's mad right now. I haven't gotten any. She won't give it up. She hasn't given it up. Or even a woman saying to you, You're not getting any. I'm holding it back. I'm not giving it up. All of these expressions that suggest she has something very special that you want, but you can't have it, you're not allowed. In fact, the way that sounds is as though she gets zero pleasure out of it for herself as though it's a chore.
Speaker 0 00:00:49 And it is. For some women, often it seems like it's a hassle or something she has to do almost as though she keeps the pussy high up on the shelf and she has to climb along ladder and extend her arms and reach for it and deal with giving it to you for a while to use and play with and do whatever you want with until you are done and satisfied. All of these expressions suggest that she gets absolutely no pleasure out of it herself. But maybe if you act right or if you behave properly, or if you're a good boy, then you'll get some. But we know sex is a union. Sex takes two. It's something you do together. It creates closeness. It should create passion and chemistry and excitement. In fact, I'm even of the belief that sex is way more pleasurable for women than it is for men when done correctly.
Speaker 0 00:01:35 So how could that be? How can she be giving something up? Well, it may have to do with how selfish of a lover you are, but let's keep investigating further now feel into these words. I had sex with my wife last night. I made love to my girl last night and I gave it to her really good. We got it on last night. I put it down on her. You don't have to like these expressions, but just feel into the energetic difference of them. I made love to my girl. She got fucked really well, and maybe even she wanted me to have my way with her last night. We are so attracted to each other. We want each other so badly, we can't get enough of each other. I love how turned on she gets when she's in my presence. I can feel her getting wet when she's near me.
Speaker 0 00:02:17 I love how when she's not near me, she's sending me sexy texts. I love how playful and flirtatious and ready she is. There's a huge difference between these words and the energy behind them and how your woman thinks about sex. And so I wanna suggest that your mentality around this, your expectations, of course, around sex and how it should be given to you, have a lot to do with your attitude, your confidence in how you present yourself to your female partner. I'm of the strong opinion that if you want to have a healthy relationship with her, you don't want a dynamic where she holds sex over you or it's something that you have to beg for, nor should it be something that you just take not against. Her will, will not without her consent, obviously, but it's a mutual exchange. And more importantly, you wanna be in a place where she wants to share herself with you, not give it up or lose something.
Speaker 0 00:03:12 So the first reason that your wife or girlfriend is not having sex with you is because one or both of you are looking at it as something that needs to be withheld or held back, or it's something that you need to earn or try to win. One or both of you are looking at it in a way where you have to do certain things to get it as opposed to having it. Now, on the one hand, you have to do certain things to get anything in life. You have to get outta bed in the morning if you want to have a productive day. But this is a little bit different. The way men often think about sex is something like,
Speaker 1 00:03:44 If I do A, B and C, I'm gonna get a result. And if I repeat that over time, I'm gonna keep getting that result.
Speaker 0 00:03:52 And I'll take it a step further and say, Unfortunately, they think if they keep doing the same steps over and over again, they're going to get the same great result, as in everybody's going to be really happy about it, and it's going to be the same intensity and the same level of fun. And if you were born with a vagina, you probably know that none of that is true. What almost all women want to feel on the other hand is something like, how
Speaker 1 00:04:16 Do you connect with this person in the moment?
Speaker 0 00:04:19 How do you flow? Can you be adaptable and read how she's feeling today? Right now?
Speaker 1 00:04:25 How do you feel into her and what's going on with her to be present with her, to look in her eyes, to feel her and not be confused or wavering or unsure or say something silly
Speaker 0 00:04:38 Or giggle inappropriately
Speaker 1 00:04:40 Or crack a joke because you think all you know how to do is be sarcastic or witty or funny
Speaker 0 00:04:45 Or on the other side of things, maybe you feel so uncomfortable and self-conscious that you get nervous sexually. And this comes out as very boyish behavior. It's what makes women say things like, I want a real man, or I want a man to take me. So how do you connect with your partner in a way that gets her extremely turned on? Are there exceptions to all of this? Yes. Do women also get horny and just need a good lay once in a while? Yes. Do women want you to sometimes take control and throw them on the bed and do certain things? Yes. But to get there, and in this episode, we're going to continue to unlayer things that you probably shouldn't be doing. The second reason your female partner might not be having sex with you is because you made the fatal,
Speaker 1 00:05:27 Terrible, horrible,
Speaker 0 00:05:29 Shameful mistake of thinking and believing
Speaker 1 00:05:32 That all you had to do was put in a little work in the beginning and then she was going to be yours for the rest of her life.
Speaker 0 00:05:41 That she would be willing to have sex with you anytime you wanted, whenever you wanted. Anytime it occurred to you forevermore, you made the fatal mistake to think that she would
Speaker 1 00:05:51 Want you love you, be turned on by you, get excited by you, be curious about you, and
Speaker 0 00:05:56 Be into you no matter how you behave because you did some work at the beginning. Like take her on five to 15 dates or buy flowers and be really nice and sweet and court her. And now you've sort of captured her or have her, and that's all you really had to do. And that's just not how relationships work. It's not how women work, and it's not how anyone works. Frankly. There is no one on the planet alive today, in my opinion, who thinks, You know, I still remember that thing that you did for me 15 years ago, and I just feel indebted to you for the rest of my life. You paid for my dinner. You were really nice to me. You took me on vacation. You were shris for the first few months of our relationship, and now I wanna have sex with you indefinitely.
Speaker 0 00:06:43 How stupid does it sound? So this one's a quickie. I'm actually going to try to make them all quickies. It's not about investing the work up front. It doesn't compound over time by making one large deposit and never doing anything else. Again, it doesn't quite work the way money does in an investment. And so that is to say that yes, in many ways you're only as good as your last lay or only as good as you were able to get her turned on today or this week or this morning. So let's get rid of the fallacy and idea that if you just put in enough work up front or you court and you date and you're shs, or you used to have amazing sex in the beginning during the romance period, or you had 1, 2, 3, 4 incredible years, and now things are stale and dry, it takes constant effort and it usually takes effort on the part of the man.
Speaker 0 00:07:29 The man goes first and then it opens your female partner up. All right? The third reason why your woman may not be having sex with you is because you're talking about it too much or you're asking her for sex. Hey babe, wanna get freaky? Wanna do it? Wanna go have sex, Wanna go have some fun? Hey, no one's home right now. You wanna go do it. You wanna go upstairs, You wanna, you know, go get it on. Or you're nudging her or putting it into words. We've spoken about this before in different episodes, but putting sex into words most of the time, and most likely the way you're doing it is uh, no sexy. It's not sexy to her. And it's not that you can't communicate about sex, have discussions about sex, talk about sex in any way that you'd like, But when it comes to asking for it and begging for it, this is just a big no-no for women.
Speaker 0 00:08:17 Do you want to go have sex right now? For a woman is almost like kryptonite. The answer is no. It doesn't work the same way as if you said, Do you want to go shopping right now? In which case, you probably can stand at attention and be instantly ready to do so. If you don't have a lot of killer attraction to one another or you aren't in the habit of having sex regularly, simply dropping a hint or speaking about it is usually very unattractive. Now, men often hear what I say, and then take it to the extreme. And again, it's not that you can't have conversations about sex ever or anything sexual can't come up, but it's more the idea that you can just realize your heart, realize your horny, just say it, and
Speaker 1 00:08:55 Then something should start happening, which is usually followed by you taking off her clothes, you taking off your clothes, grabbing on her boobs a little bit and putting it in. It's
Speaker 0 00:09:05 Never gonna be the most effective way to
Speaker 1 00:09:07 Properly have sex with a woman
Speaker 0 00:09:08 For details on such things. See the episode with that title, You're always going to get better results by enticing her, seducing her, playing
Speaker 1 00:09:17 With her
Speaker 0 00:09:17 And changing it up a little
Speaker 1 00:09:19 Bit. Number four, she can smell it on you, and she knows that it's all you want. There's a big difference between a woman who can smell sex on a man, desire, masculinity, intensity, leading dominance, assertiveness, and a boy or a guy who's begging for sex or who wants it, or who comes sniffing around and wants something. She feels the energy instantly.
Speaker 1 00:09:47 Ask your partner to run her fingernail down your knee, then ask her to tap on you on the same place over and over and over again. Then ask her to give you a little punch there, and then a little slap there, and then a very gentle tickle. And notice how on one square inch of skin, you can feel absolutely everything. You understand the intent, you understand the desire, You know exactly what's going on based on how her fingertip or hand touches you on your knee. So of course, when you come at her ready for sex thinking that you want something and it should just happen, she feels that. Now, on the one hand, masculine sexual desire like that, that assertiveness, that desire for her is very attractive when done in the right way, but not when it feels needy, not when
Speaker 0 00:10:33 It feels like begging, not when
Speaker 1 00:10:34 It feels like you're feeling out the waters and you don't know what she wants. So you're kind of cracking jokes and you're kind of playful, but not really serious, but hoping she'll say yes, and also hoping you can just get right down to it.
Speaker 0 00:10:44 If you wanna have great sex with your partner, you've gotta take it seriously and you've gotta take her seriously. It doesn't mean you can't ever smile or wink or crack a sly look, but you've got to be
Speaker 1 00:10:57 In it.
Speaker 0 00:10:59 The fifth reason why your female partner probably isn't having sex with you, and we've alluded to this before, is because you had a feeling or a thought or an urge, or you found yourself with a heart on and decided that she should now have sex with you. You're just horny. You've got this sudden feeling on a whim. You found yourself hard, you felt an itch that needed to be scratched, or a need that needed to be answered, or you're just ready right now, or you're bored, or you're watching TV or porn and you thought, I wanna be having sex right now. And this can often read to a woman as being cold, heartless, careless, uninvested, not present, emotionally unavailable, disinterested in her. You're not invested, you're not loving, unfriendly. Maybe you're not being masculine enough, maybe you're being overbearing. And even other subtle emotions such as being neutral or apathetic or take it or leave it, how does this look?
Speaker 0 00:11:56 You think to yourself or it occurred to you in your mind, I want to have sex right now. I'm feeling horny. Me, me, me. And you think that your partner should instantly be on board ready to take her clothes off and ready to receive you inside of her. So for you, I often make the analogy, regardless of whether you're into butt stuff or not, and regardless of your sexual orientation, if a girl wanted to stick her finger up your butt and she just swooped in whether you wanted it there or not, whether she had a wet finger or dry finger, would you let it just slide right in without any clenching or freaking out? Even if you loved it <laugh>, you would put up a fight even if you loved it, you need to ease into it. And I don't even wanna say women are the exact same way I would say any human being when having something pushed inside of them needs some time and space to get there.
Speaker 0 00:12:46 So going for intimacy, a assertively and doing things to turn her on is attractive, but just going for it and trying to stick it in as quick as you can is highly unattractive, especially to women in long term relationships. If you already have that sexual chemistry and she's always ready and always wet for you, or it just happens to be one of those women who's always horny, then this isn't a problem. But if it's something where it's lacking and it usually is, or the initiation hasn't been right, or the assertiveness and the healthy dominance isn't there spontaneously being horny and then just taking your heart onto a woman because it occurred to you does not necessarily get other women aroused exceptions to every rule, but not the norm. It's not that she can't get turned on quickly, she can get turned on in seconds, seconds to minutes.
Speaker 0 00:13:32 But it's how you invest your time with her. How you move, look at her and interact with her. That changes everything. Number six, and I'm gonna purposely use these words here. You do nothing to deserve it. Now, you know from the beginning, I'm not about that. I'm not about having to deserve anything or men having to work for it or make her see and come to her senses why she should allow you to have it. It's the wrong mentality. At the same time, women require love, attention, affection and desire. They do not just require sex when it occurs to them. So if you've done nothing at any other time of the day or week, you're not affectionate, you're not loving, you're not soothing, you're not getting your hands on each other. There's no sensuality, even sensual cuddles throughout the day. You're not warming up to her or touching her or looking in her eyes and connecting, or you hug and kiss goodnight or you hug and kiss goodbye or you sit together on the couch and that's it.
Speaker 0 00:14:30 No hands are moving anywhere. No energy is moving. You're just sort of too lumps in a bed or on a sofa on the floor. Occupying time and space together doesn't really make anyone feel like they wanna connect with you. And I know deserve is a bit of a strong word. You can also say something like, you're not just going to get a woman excited to have sex with you. She might have done it on her own by default. It might have worked for several years in your relationship, but it's not working anymore. You're not going to get very far by not being loving and caring and sexy and flirty and playful with her on a regular basis. I always talk about in sessions creating an atmosphere of sexuality and it's imperative. It means that you can't be scared to touch your woman. You can't only think about having sex with her when it occurs to you.
Speaker 0 00:15:15 There has to be things that happen throughout the day, things that happen throughout your week that have her thinking about it. Now, for some, this feels like an insurmountable obstacle that you have to be thinking about or talking about sex at every given moment. It's not that way at all. It's just little things here and there. You brush by her and your fingertip touches the edge of her waist. You pull her belt loop forward, you caress her breast, you run your hands through her hair, you come and give her a quick passionate make session. You bite her neck, you rub your fingertips in her scalp, you give her butt a nice squeeze or her hips, a nice massage. You know, for most men, affection looks like slapping her ass when you pass by or just grabbing for a handful of boob, not an effective strategy.
Speaker 0 00:15:58 When sex isn't fire, when it's fire and any little thing you do is exciting, it's a different story. If you both have like level nine or 10 sex drives all the time, it doesn't matter what you do. In fact, for people like that, it almost doesn't even matter who you are. It's not that it has to be you, it's that the drive is so strong. But for everyone else, you've gotta create an atmosphere of sexuality on a daily or weekly basis. Number seven, and this one is ever so slightly tongue in cheek, you're in the military. And what that means is you usually have, as a man, a very particular way of seeing women. There's sort of a profile that men like this often have and many men outside the military as well. And that means when it comes to women, you see them usually as things to objectify creatures to have sex with, or people who are there for your pleasure only often to get turned on.
Speaker 0 00:16:50 They like strip teases, sexy lingerie, strip clubs, strippers, fake boobs, what they really like when she's on top or when she's dominant, you want her to bust into the room in thigh highs and boots and sit you down and tell you what to do and just ride the top. You want her to straddle you and seduce you and suck on you and do all these things while you lay there. Put your hands on her hips and enjoy and listen. Friends who doesn't enjoy a good fantasy like that every once in a while. But what that also looks like in saying it differently is that you want her to do all the work. You want her to be dominant, you want her to initiate, you want her to take control. But the fact of the matter is, unless you're paying a prostitute, a stripper, or some only fans, girls, or even an escort, someone where there's some kind of an exchange, it's very, very unlikely for women to want to do this.
Speaker 0 00:17:41 I wanna say it all, but maybe annually or semi-annually. Most women most of the time don't wanna do anything like this. Some of it may have to do with their own body image issues and in their own insecurities. True or not, it may have to deal with the fact that some of them think you don't deserve it. And some of them especially are going to think that it's lazy and it's not masculine. And it's sort of like, well, lemme say it this way. For most men alive on the planet today, 80 to 90% of men, women are not going to put themselves into your reality, assert into your world and say, Hey, I want to have sex with you. I wanna be dominant with you. If you happen to be very attractive, very famous, a celebrity, a beautiful person, or you just happen to be extremely charismatic with women, or you know how to do certain things that turn them on, yes, it can happen.
Speaker 0 00:18:24 But for most women, you have to think of it more like, what? What is it that would give her that pull? Women do get horny too. They get horny all the time. But what would incentivize her, even if she's your girlfriend or wife, to wanna share herself with you, other than just a feeling, think of women being dominant with you as more of a pinch or a smattering, a sprinkle of sugar on top. Every female client I speak to privately when she's by herself tells me that she's tired of initiating, doesn't wanna be the one. And that always initiating makes her feel even ugly or unattractive. Or undesirable because it feels like he's not interested in her or he is not pursuing her or he doesn't chase her and it feels like something's wrong, that doesn't feel right to them. So women need to be invited, enticed, seduced, built up, taken on a journey and left, wondering what's going to happen next?
Speaker 0 00:19:20 Or you've gotta satisfy her in such a profound and dominant way that she can't help but respond in sexual ways in the future. Now, to be fair, you don't have to be in the military to take ownership of this one. This is for a lot of men. But I do find that amongst many of my clients who are that it's a very, very common trait. Number eight, and we alluded to this a little bit earlier, you're doing the same techniques, strategies, moves that you did to her two years ago, five years ago, 20 years ago, and expecting it to work like a staples easy button that was easy lick here, get an orgasm lick here, she opens her legs. It just doesn't make any sense. How does this play out in real life? Oh, you've discovered that her left nipple is always more sensitive than the right.
Speaker 0 00:20:02 No, I'm gonna lick there fervishly right away. Or maybe she likes to be fingered really hard sometimes, so that's what you're gonna do all the time. Or she used to love it when I bite her neck and then we do it from behind. Now she feels like it's a little disrespectful. It's not that she globally feels that way, but when it's all the time, it's very, very demeaning. Or maybe you've discovered some interesting or unique or odd patterns about her, but then you're trying to use the same strategy every time, and you've played this hand over and over and over and over. How many times can you hear the Y M C A? How many times can you hear, I wanna rock right now. How many times? Well, that one kind of seems to stay the test of time. But to be fair, any song that you play over and over and over and over again, any movie that you watch
Speaker 1 00:20:46 More than two or three times, 99% of them are boring as hell. And women need much, much, much, much more sexual stimulation,
Speaker 0 00:20:57 Attention and affection care, noticing them. And believe it or not, in my opinion,
Speaker 1 00:21:03 Novelty variety, even if it comes from the same person than most men will ever need.
Speaker 0 00:21:08 So time to teach an old dog some new tricks. It's time to not ask too many questions and talk too much. It's time to not be so careful with your woman without being disrespectful. Some men talk themselves right out of great sex. Some men talk themselves right out of any intimacy whatsoever because they can't stop talking <laugh>. And if you've listened to me before, you know that men are not the only ones who can't stop talking. We all do this. But some men start conversations or start talking at the most awkward, odd or inopportune times. Some men check this out, some men unfortunately care too much about what their partner's feeling. Women are guilty of this as well. Like they're projecting. What if she feels this? What if she feels that? What if it's too much? What if it's too little? What should I do? And they talk and talk and talk through this. And this winds up frustrating women even more because this puts her in her head and overwhelms her and
Speaker 1 00:22:01 She can't chill out or back up as guys who are very loving or fixers, were doers who wanna make sure a woman is okay. We wanna protect her, we wanna make sure that she's happy, and that in itself can lead to too much. She's too careful. He talks too much. He thinks through it too much. He's so worried about her that now she's not turned on. She doesn't feel protected and safe.
Speaker 0 00:22:24 A woman feels protected and safe within your calm, quiet, masculine energy.
Speaker 1 00:22:30 This is what helps her calm down. It's not about soliciting her with 20 questions and checking
Speaker 0 00:22:36 In, Do you like this? Does this feel good? Is that okay? What do you want me to do differently? And this is just a great time to say that mind you, even though all that is true, when you do come in to see me on your own or with your partner, I too will actually be asking very similar kinds of questions, even if it's a little more confidently. Is it okay if I can we, are you comfortable if, do I have your consent to? Because professionally and privately consent is key, but I'm also more than well aware that women don't like this sort of thing once they feel comfortable and safe. So I give women the option. I'll say, I'm going to be checking in here with you with every new thing that we do because I don't know you and you don't know me, and I want you walking outta here feeling amazing.
Speaker 0 00:23:22 And just like you have the option to say no or to bring anything to a close, if you like where this is going, you're feeling my vibe, my energy, you're feeling trust, you feel safe in my hands, so to speak, then often women will speak up and say, I consent in full. Do whatever you'd like with me. I'm comfortable with any of your exercises and demos. Do whatever you'd like and I'll let you know if anything is too much. And so ladies listening, if you're comfortable with your partner, you would do well to take a page from this and speak up to him as well. Hey, we're married, or I'm your girlfriend, or I'm yours. You don't have to keep asking, I consent in full. Just keep going. And sometimes you have to let a boyfriend or partner or husband know that he doesn't have to keep asking your permission.
Speaker 0 00:24:07 You should let him know this once in a while. And you know men, you actually feel the same way if you were getting a blow job right now. And she took one lick and said, Is that okay? And then she squeezed and said, Is that okay? Do you like that? And then she put her hand a little lower and said, Does this hurt? Almost any guy would find that frustrating. And it's not that you can't ask for guidance. It's not that you can't check in once in a while, please do so, but it doesn't need to be constantly and all at once. If you know you've got your partner's consent, read her, feel her look at her face. If your eyes are open and you see that her head's buried in the sheets and she's squeezing them and clenching them and her chest is pink and she's moaning, by all means, this seems like a good sign. If she's staring vacantly out to one side or her breathing seems really shallow and disturbed or she doesn't seem present, yeah, man, I'd stop and check in.
Speaker 0 00:24:58 Number 10 is super easy. What's working today right now isn't necessarily going to work tomorrow or even later on tonight. You've got to use more than just your logical mind to tune into her, your eyes, your ears, your energy. You know when you walk into a room and things just don't feel right or there's a weird vibe or the energy isn't right, you need to have a tool belt full of things that your woman likes, not just one or two things. And if you can embrace that philosophy, if you can understand that she's not the same person every day, often women don't just need a quick release or to get off in the same way that we do. I know sometimes it sounds like that's a sweeping or broad generalization. The opposite is also true. There are some women who do just need to get off or who do want to come two and three times a day or who suddenly get horny and could use a good fuck just the same way you can.
Speaker 0 00:25:46 But these kinds of women usually aren't struggling in the sexual department if their man has a strong sex drive or is made similarly as well. When I come across really, really sexual women, they find themselves with really passive men. And that's a whole other discussion. Finally, I save the best for last with a couple other bonus tips here. Number one, the number one way that women respond to men sexually is when they demonstrate a healthy level of dominance, confidence, and assertiveness. I do an entire episode on this, How to properly be dominant with a woman in the bedroom. Check it out. Number two is the idea that I believe as a point of fact, that most women are absolutely insatiable, sexually insatiable. That means they can't get enough no matter how much good sex you give her, no matter how much of a hard pounding, no matter how much she comes, no matter how much love making she's ready for more and more and more and more.
Speaker 0 00:26:49 Again, maybe if you've got a gift for blowing backs out, you can give her a run for her money. But it's not necessarily all about stamina. Why or how is it that women can be insatiable because they can come and come and come and come some more, and obviously coming feels incredible. Plus, it usually doesn't deplete them, not in the same way that it does for men. They don't need to wait 20 minutes to two hours to two days to get hard again. They can do it sometimes anywhere between two seconds to 20 seconds to two minutes, and then they're ready to go and go and go. And why would you stop something that feels so damn good? Are there exceptions to the rule? Always? Are there women who are one and done? Are there women who just wanna come a couple of times and they're totally good?
Speaker 0 00:27:30 Absolutely. But it is my personal and professional experience that most women are insatiable. And I leave you with that very purposely to suggest that if your woman is not wanting to have sex with you, offering to have sex with you, enthusiastic about having you inside of her, and you believe this idea that women are or can be insatiable, well then what's the disconnect? What is the missing link? As far as I'm concerned, it's almost always something that the man is doing to inhibit himself from getting results, such as talking too much or not being assertive or not helping yourself. Now, this episode has given us 10 to 12 examples of all the different things you can do, but there are many more secrets as well. So if you wanna get some pretty immediate and spontaneous results, I cordially invite you and your female partner to come meet me.
Speaker 0 00:28:18 I'll teach you how. With your consent, I'll show you how to put your woman in the right mindset or the space where she's receptive and open and wants to be sexually intimate with you, and how nice would it be to unleash or unlock the potential that your partner has that you may not have even known she has. I encourage all men to have that as their goal, to get her so excited and so turned on that she wants to be with you, chooses to be with you, that it's not done as a favor or a courtesy or a wifely duty. God forbid that you don't have to ask for sex, beg for sex, try to figure out how to get it. It just to use a most excellent euphemism comes naturally. Thank you for listening. I hope you've enjoyed this immensely. You can listen to more episodes of Closeness Everywhere Podcasts can be found, and whether inside your Tesla on deezer, iHeart, Google, Stitcher, Apple, Spotify, Amazon, and more. And of course, you can follow us on YouTube at youtube.com/closeness or slash at closeness. If you're ready to get started with some closeness coaching, please visit our
[email protected] slash intake to get started. As always, thank you for listening and have a great day.
