Episode Transcript
Speaker 0 00:00:00 Welcome to the Closeness Podcast, your new sexual education. My name is T, I'm your host, and today we're going to talk about one of the most important parts of being in a relationship when it comes to our sexuality, and that is how to actually move things forward when they're a little bit stale. How to get there, how to keep the train moving, how to progress things to the next level, how to move things forward when they feel a little stale or boring. What to do next when you're cuddling on the couch or lying in bed together or sleeping in bed or living in the same house as roommates, but the sexual spark isn't there because someone isn't doing anything about it. So today we're gonna learn how to move things from being neutral, nice, sweet, relaxed, friendly, chill, whatever dynamic you have going on in your house to something a lot more intense, sexual, passionate, and hot with your consensual willing partner.
Speaker 0 00:00:57 Now, if you're familiar with my teaching style, you know I usually start in a different place. You'll often find me talking about how and why it's the man's responsibility to do something and move things forward. But for the first half of this podcast, we're gonna do things a little bit differently. For ladies listening, consider for a moment either how often you think about having sex or how often you think about having sex with your partner, how often you'd like to be having it, hoping that he or she will do something, thinking that something might happen. Imagining that something would, and the most dangerous one, expecting something to happen, but it doesn't because they don't and you don't either. How many of you listening, find yourself waiting for your husband or partner to make the move, but he never does and neither do you. And so you're lost in an endless loop.
Speaker 0 00:01:43 Now, I know this may sound like the opposite of some couple's issues. For some ladies whose husbands and partners don't leave them alone or they hover too much, they linger around, or they're constantly following them around the house or trying to have sex with them or getting in their space. Some partners and husbands even get a little too overbearing and relentless and give their wife or girlfriend a never ending barrage of forwards and articles and classes and emails and lessons and podcasts. And what this winds up doing is just overwhelming the female partner. So it's important to know what kind of relationship you're in, what your dynamic is with your partner right now, and what she responds best to most of the time. Striking a balance between too much and too little is going to be the answer. I'm always talking about how important it is to avoid extremes, and I think that if you want to have a successful sexual relationship, staying away from being overly accommodating, constantly nudging your wife, or asking your wife about sex or talking about sex, grabbing at her, pursuing her, talking to her about it, again, being relentless about it as well as avoiding zero action, not doing anything and treating your partner like a roommate, just staying away from those two areas alone will usually lead to some really good results.
Speaker 0 00:02:56 But going back to the waiting game that we were talking about, this is something that women do all the time, even unintentionally. And guys, you've gotta be aware of it. Almost all women do this even when they'd like to be having sex. Even when they want it themselves, they sit in silence, think excessively, and they wait. They hope they yearn. Sometimes they'll drop some subtle hints, and even if they're thinking about it, if they're horny turned on, curious about it some, and even many women don't do anything about it, they just hope that you'll try it. Expect that if you want it, you'll make the move. In fact, often many women aren't even giving you any kind of insight that that's what their interest is. And again, I know there are many kinds of women in the world, this isn't everybody, but it's a lot.
Speaker 0 00:03:48 Now why that is, doesn't so much matter here as to what you can and should do about it, but here are a few quick thoughts. I think a lot of it has to do with them not wanting to experience an iota of rejection. I think women have a general desire to want to be pursued and chased and feel like they're wanted. In fact, I would even go so far as to call that a need of theirs. And I think a lot of women find it boring or uninteresting if they quote, have to make the first move. I also frankly think a good majority of women just believe it's the man's job to do it. And if he doesn't, oh, well, I guess no one's having sex tonight. And then they take it steps further with other disempowering beliefs such as he must not be man enough, or maybe he's not attracted to me, or maybe he's just not in the mood, or I guess he doesn't want me, or I guess he's not turned on enough, or I guess I'm not good enough, or I guess I'm not attractive enough.
Speaker 0 00:04:43 And down the, in their head rabbit hole they go. And it's very strange to me that many women would rather die on the vine hoping and thinking and waiting than actually making a move or an overt gesture that would lead things or progress them. You'll hear me telling the men a little bit later, ladies, these moves and gestures do not have to be extreme and outrageous and grandiose. You don't have to be dripping in honey Bette to get his attention. In fact, in my estimation, what women do to get things started doesn't even have to be looked at as the first move or making the first move. There's plenty of things that you can do to make yourself available to men or show interest or show that you are receptive to their advances that will allow them to take the lead, take it from there, or get things started.
Speaker 0 00:05:31 But women seem to get so hung up and so petrified on not doing anything at all that the whole thing comes to a standstill. And I think that's a little silly because there's lots of great sex that you could be having. Ladies, one of the best pieces of advice I think I can give you is to stop thinking about making the first move or how badly you don't wanna do it, or worrying about rejection or whatever reasoning you have in your head and look at at some of your action as opening the door to sexuality, being feminine, making yourself receptive, making yourself available. So many men report back that it's never a good time for her. Every time I initiate, she says he always has bad timing. It really makes me ask if anyone knows what good timing actually is. I understand there's always crisis and urgency.
Speaker 0 00:06:19 You're on your way out to work, you're trying to go to bed, you just put the children down, you need a little space. But there's really never a time that a woman is sitting on the couch with her legs open, doing absolutely nothing, waiting to be seduced with no phone in her hand, looking like she's busy or on the phone or in front of the computer, or handling something with kids or going somewhere or doing something. There's rarely a time when there's a standstill. So it really helps to help educate your man when a good time is for you. So what I'm saying here is rather than thinking that you are making the first move or that you are being dominant or that you are being the man, think of what you're doing as being available and receptive. And if the message isn't being delivered or if he's not getting the hint, just make it more and more obvious.
Speaker 0 00:07:04 For instance, there's a big difference between flipping your hair and walking by topless. There's a big difference between giving him a kiss, hello and a nice hug versus lingering an eye contact and sticking around for a little bit. Let me put it to you this way. A man and woman pass each other by on the street, on the sidewalk. And when a woman walks by in today's day and age, what she loves to do is ignore him. Look the other way, pretend he doesn't exist. Stare in her phone. If however, she dropped a handkerchief, is she being masculine and being the man? Is she making the first move or is she opening lines of communication? Is she saying, oh, woe is me, this fell. Can you fetch it for me? I know I'm using an archaic example just for fun, but that is not masculine.
Speaker 0 00:07:50 That's saying, Hey, I'm receptive to this. I'm open to this. And I think a lot of women at home are forgetting to do that. Yes. What I find is that more often than not, a man needs the most coaching on how to be dominant, be assertive, take the lead, get things going, but it's usually because he's not getting the signs from you ladies. Now, if you're a woman who is comfortable initiating and you do do it some of the time, or even most of the time, or God forbid, you find that the only way to get things started for you is if you make the first move. You're probably also sick and tired of doing this because you've noticed that sex only happens when you're the one who makes the move. And we do need to break men out of this bad habit of just waiting for you to give the signal as opposed to him doing the, pursuing him, doing the chasing while you get to enjoy being pursued.
Speaker 0 00:08:44 It seems to happen in all relationships where men stop initiating or they only ask for sex in one way, or they verbally ask for sex, or they wait for a woman to make it really obvious that she wants it and then they move forward. And I have to tell you, in all of my experience clinically, this is not what women want. This is not what they come into my office and tell me that they wanna constantly make the first move or be asked for sex or have to do something super obvious to get the guy's attention on the other side. And this may blow your mind as well. I've seen couples who have been married for 20 years and the female partner is still nervous, full of anxiety, doesn't know how to initiate, doesn't want to initiate, and doesn't make sex happen if the man doesn't.
Speaker 0 00:09:29 I don't wanna paint the picture that all women are insecure, but many times in relationship when it comes to having sex specifically or the things that she can do for her partner or husband to turn him on, many women seem to carry this anxiety, this nervousness, this uneasiness, this fear of rejection and coupled with a global desire to just not initiate period. We do live in a bit of a skewed world when everything functions the way it should. Men are doing the bulk of the work, the initiating, the leading, the seducing, the pursuing, the thrusting, the making her come over and over and over and over again. And quite frankly, even though she's giving back in her own way, there is just a lot that's done by the man. And if you wanna have a highly dynamic, very sexual relationship, I think unfortunately it's something that we have to embrace as opposed to working towards equality in the bedroom.
Speaker 0 00:10:25 Because as far as I can see, and after nearly a decade of doing this, I don't see women wanting to pursue. I see them wanting to not think, not plan, not have to seduce, organize, orchestrate. They just wanna relax and enjoy the experience. I mean, wouldn't we all? But someone's gotta do it, and so it falls on us men. So I know we live in a time where this needs to be worded carefully, and I understand that many of us would love for men to initiate 50% of the time, women to initiate 50% of the time, and everything just works out peachy. My experience based on feedback from all women, that means almost every woman who comes through my door is that they don't wanna do it this way. Maybe in the beginning for the first month or year that you're together, maybe if you're having sex all the time, every day, she might throw you a bone or do a little something here and there, but it's not the norm.
Speaker 0 00:11:19 It's very uncommon and unusual. Now, I know these may be strong statements, but I'm going to continue to say them anyway because I want to get you both having great sex. I don't want you to talk about it or philosophies about it or go to therapy for it. I want you doing it. So here are the strong words Women either cannot initiate, won't initiate, don't want to initiate, are repulsed by initiating, or sometimes just think it's beneath them. I know there are exceptions. I know there are some women out there like I do it all the time. I'll walk up to a guy and say whatever I want, but long-term relationships or or if you're married, so many women think that if a man is not chasing her or pursuing her, he must not want her. He must not be interested. He's not attracted to her.
Speaker 0 00:12:02 There's something wrong. Women constantly say, if I don't feel pursued, it's like he doesn't deserve it, or He doesn't want me bad enough, or he's not worthy. These are incredibly strong words. Think as a man, if you're listening to this, if you've ever thought to yourself, well, she's not pursuing me, so I'm not gonna give her the D. She's not following me or swooning after me, so she's not worth my time. This just doesn't exist in men's world. Many of you know a lot of women are carrying these beliefs around with them for their entire life. Some of you who have been married for five years or for decades, no, you maybe haven't ever spoken about it, but these are the rules that you're operating under. So what's the big takeaway? What should be learned? If you're a man listening and you're in a heterosexual or heteroflexible relationship, regardless of what level it seems like your partner will initiate or is willing to, you must also do so and you must do so most of the time you must learn to do it in the way that she finds attractive.
Speaker 0 00:12:58 Now, even though I hold and maintain that women are much, much more aroused, excited, turned on and horny than almost all men, a very strong anecdotal opinion of mine, I'm still nonetheless amazed at how often and for how long women can do without it. And that's where I think the big difference is between men and women. Women seem to be okay to go longer periods than men. Men seem to get more frustrated and angsty, but women do too. You all get kind of crazy if you haven't had sex in a few days or a week or several weeks. And we know this is true because when you get it, it's like you just calm down for four to eight hours or a day or two. Anyway. I think men struggle because our way for feeling love and acceptance, the way we feel connected to our partner is when we are inside of you.
Speaker 0 00:13:48 But a woman shares that part of her once she feels safe, loved, desired, cared for, accepted, or some combination of other emotions, we feel it when we are inside of you. That's when we feel the closest women share that part of themselves once they feel all of those things, once they feel the closeness. But one of the very fascinating things about women is their ability to savor and indulge in and enjoy the buildup so much without needing things to immediately progress to the next level they can sit in. It relish it, delight in it. So the piece of gold that I'm sharing with you here is that women can be in this sort of aroused state without needing to a certain point for sex or sexuality to progress forward. To me, they're like 10 times more capable to sit in that buildup or sit in that state of arousal or enjoying foreplay and being present with it than men can.
Speaker 0 00:14:47 What that means for men listening is that you don't need to be overtly sexual right away for some women. You don't have to dive in and start eating her out or just fondling her breasts or grabbing her butt, as most men do, you can do anything else and it will likely go well. You just have to understand the difference between sexual and sensual activity versus kind, loving sweet caresses or pets or cuddling together. Men, this also takes you off the hook. You don't have to be hard and ready and ripping your partner's clothes off at every turn. There are moments for this. It's very exciting when that happens. Yes, but if you have a wife who you're living with or you have children, sometimes any kind of sexual attention can be nice. You know, to me, if I were to be so bold, if I were to tell you what I think most women want sexually speaking, it's a combination of things that lead to variety, excitement, hotness, and passion, while all the while being tempered with love and care.
Speaker 0 00:15:48 So sometimes you've got sentiments like, yes, this is how much I love you. This is how much I care for you. This is how I think most men show up in that lovey dovey zone. You're making love, you're tender. There's emotion, there's softness. You're being smooth and delicate with her. Other times, frankly, she's craving a good pounding, quick, fast, maybe even rough and aggressive, maybe even saying and doing things that you would never normally say to your partner or wife. And other times still, maybe it starts as a slow buildup and then takes a few different turns. Other times maybe you're making out and you're getting lost in a kiss and there's no rush for penetration or penetration doesn't even need to happen. Maybe sometimes she craves anal sex. Maybe sometimes she just wants to give you a blowjob. Maybe sometimes she just wants you to play with her.
Speaker 0 00:16:34 Maybe sometimes she wants to be worshiped and loved. So it's a lot. It's not that your wife just wants one thing or the other or just needs one style of sex or the one way that works. It's a lot of different things that come together. But factors such as being in a long-term relationship, being married for many years, especially between the seven and 10 year mark, having too much of a steady routine, having kids, all of these things tend to make things a little more boring. When you do the same old thing, like slowly building up or being really nice or taking your time or rubbing her shoulder or talking and asking if she wants to have sex. That's usually a much bigger turnoff when you're with someone over time. And furthermore, if you wait too long to make the move, if you constantly deny a woman's sex, if you're never showing interest, if the only time you're showing her any attention and affection is when you actually want to have sex with her, she's going to turn off completely shut down, get resentful.
Speaker 0 00:17:34 Think you only want one thing or lose interest in you. If you hold back sex too long from a woman and you never make the first move, that's going to look like something very different. It's gonna look like frustration, resentment, irritation, boredom. In some cases, her seeking elsewhere. And in some cases, she'll wonder what the heck she's doing in this relationship if she can't go get it out there, but she's not getting it here, what is she doing? So let me summarize a few key points here. Some women have an incredible capacity to endure and go without sex. They think they're fine without it once they've got that kind of energy going. This is not for very, very sexual women or women who are always turned on, but it exists. What that means is if you as a man become too complacent and she has become complacent, nothing's going to happen.
Speaker 0 00:18:23 But because her capacity to endure without sex is likely greater than yours as a man, you need to do something about it. You need to rattle things up and get things going. Number two, a woman's capacity to sit in arousal, her ability to be in it, be turned on, enjoy foreplay, spend a long, long time in those moments before sex actually happens, but it's building up to that. Her capacity to do that is usually going to be much greater than yours. What that means is that you can often sometimes make a mountain out of a mole hill. You can stretch things out. You can make the experience last a lot longer, especially if you don't last long in bed. You're only lasting three minutes or six minutes or 10 minutes. Why not warm her up and get her engine going? Now, as with everything, too much of a warmup or delaying or trying to seduce her or caressing her arm for 15 seconds and then sucking on her neck for three minutes and then kissing her thighs for 10 minutes.
Speaker 0 00:19:22 Not all women want things to stretch on for long periods of time, but most women will be pleasantly surprised when you're not only going for sex unless you've been denying them sex for a long, long time. Number three, if you don't take the lead, if you don't do something and get things going, she's gonna get frustrated, pissed, angry, and shut down. And then maybe one day after several years think there's something wrong with her or she's just not interested in sex anymore with you. Over time, she'll lose trust, lose confidence in you and in herself, lose desire. That is not a place you want to be. My friends, all of my podcasts have these obligatory disclaimers. So I realize when I'm speaking like this, it's not all women. I know there are many of you who have no problem making the first move. Many women are very, very sexual beings, and they don't care how it goes down as long as it's going down.
Speaker 0 00:20:14 I know there are plenty of you who go after what you want, you'll speak it, you'll verbalize it, or you'll just take your clothes off to get some attention. And that's great. I actually wish more women would do that for their partners because things would get going a little more frequently. However, unless you are regularly turning her on beyond belief, which is a key and a secret to getting women to initiate with you more regularly with a good majority of women, she's not going to be reaching out, not going to be making the first move, not going to be making it super easy for you, especially if you've been in a relationship for a long period of time and you've been ignoring her, or she hasn't been getting sexual attention, or you've been behaving like roommates. Now, that's not an attack, right? Because when men pursue women, there isn't a whole lot women can do other than being receptive or participatory, but doing that, being responsive, showing some sign that they want to responding, that is essential for men to feel for them to move things forward.
Speaker 0 00:21:17 So the big question is, how do you progress things? How do you move things forward and more towards a sexual life? How do you get rid of stale energy? How do you get past not making the first move and moving past your default, cuddly, sweet, nice, relaxing, chill behavior? Well, the first few suggestions are a bit of a no-brainer and kind of like a prelude, and that's to have the realization that somebody has to do something. No one can come through your door and make something happen between the two of you sexually. Well, I suppose I could, and that's my specialty. But you take my point. If you think back on the last half dozen times you've had sex and you think, who started it? What specifically did someone do? Countless couples come into my office and they say, I don't know. It just sort of happened.
Speaker 0 00:22:03 It absolutely does not just sort of happen. Somebody does something and they're doing something right. It's a look, a glance. Someone is taking their clothes off. Usually there's a kiss or someone's talking about it. Unfortunately, someone moves forward, you start touching a little bit. You start kissing. Somebody is doing something to get this thing off the ground. All you've gotta do is realize that much like everything else in life, if you want something to happen, you've got to do something about it. Yes, there is beauty tooth being in the flow, flowing thought, thinking about it positively and favorably, visualizing it, fantasizing about it, all of that's great. Line up the energy as you will, but then someone has to take action. Hot sex does not happen on its own, and by default without intention, action, desire and pursuing. And that's something that you do ought to be a little more obvious than subtle behavior, like hair flips, walking by touching someone's shoulder or arm, giving a glance in their direction.
Speaker 0 00:23:07 And if you really wanna do it right, you both need to not talk about it so much. In other words, do you wanna have sex? Maybe we'll have sex later. Maybe we're gonna have some fun later tonight. I'm gonna do this or that to you later tonight. You've gotta learn the art of being suggestive. And we'll talk more about that later too. But my next big piece of advice, if you're a woman and you enjoy being submissive and feminine or waiting for your man to make the move, you don't have to be submissive all the time. Forevermore 24 7, never breaking character, never once doing anything, only waiting around. You don't have to be someone who's always under every circumstance, 100% submissive, where you can't do some things to get things going. Because as you probably know, most men are at the very least interested in sex, very interested in sex or being sexual within a few minutes or even a few moments.
Speaker 0 00:24:01 It doesn't take much. My first suggestion, therefore, is to encourage all women to take more action. And I know in the single world and dating world, things have moved a little bit more in this direction. But I mean, if you're in a committed relationship or if you're just involved with one person over time, men for better or worse have become very different these days. Men aren't as masculine. Men are struggling with being more assertive and aggressive. And by the way, I don't believe that this is just because men themselves have somehow lost their ability to be themselves. I don't want to get into politics, but we have a very punishing culture around masculinity. So we live in a world where it's dangerous for us to do so. Where it's looked at as toxic masculinity. There's words for it. Men being too masculine is very unattractive.
Speaker 0 00:24:48 Now it's not in vogue. I think on the other hand though, that a healthy dose of masculinity is essential for both men and women to be happy and have successful relationships. I think having masculine presence, being a man in today's world and understanding really what that means is paramount for men listening. But in many cases, the damage has been done. You know, I quoted before that 30% of men under 30 are either virgins or haven't had sex in a year. Most women in the world who are hooking up with men are sleeping with the same 20%, 15%. And in some cases, 5% of men, women are having plenty of sex, but men aren't. All of us is say, ladies, there's always something you can do. And if you've built it up in your head for whatever reason that you shouldn't or you can't or you won't, I guarantee there are a few very basic things you can do to get things going in the bedroom. You have unfathomable amounts of power.
Speaker 0 00:25:46 Now, it's not that women are incapable of doing this stuff. It's not hard or complicated to sit down and put her hand between your legs. It's not hard for her to walk over to you and sit on you and look at you. And it certainly isn't hard for her to take off her shirt or pull up her tops so her rests are exposed or walk around in her panties. What could be easier? She already does it one to three times a day when she changes clothes. Unfortunately men, this is not what women want to do most of the time, even though I'm encouraging it, even though I'm giving steps and teaching how to do it. There are numerous reasons why women generally won't. It's boring. It doesn't have excitement. It doesn't make her feel wanted or chased or desired. There's no buildup to it. A lot of needs that women have, we simply don't have or need as men, such as being seen, feeling attractive, feeling pretty, feeling desired, feeling chased, feeling beautiful.
Speaker 0 00:26:38 Sometimes a man who's very in touch with his feminine side will also want to be pursued, want to be the center of attention or want attention on him. But it's very unusual to find men like that. And also very unusual to find women who are willing to do that sort of thing over long periods of time, not just once or twice. So for women, all you've gotta do, if you wanna get things spiced up, if you wanna move the train forward, if you want to do your part, is sit down or climb in bed or walk over to where he is and look in his eyes. You can look in his eyes with wanting or yearning. You can flirt with him. You can wink at him. You can smile at him, maybe gaze up at him, maybe seat yourself below him and look up at him with your eyes. Put your hand on his thigh. Put your hand on his chest. Take a nice breath.
Speaker 0 00:27:30 Hmm, and then stick around. Don't sit there for one second or two seconds, then vanish or give up or get frustrated. Just be with your guy. Get your hands on him. Touch him a little bit. You know, all of this doesn't have to be considered the first move. It's called human interaction, and it works really, really well. Give the guy a moment or two to warm up and shift gears and take his attention off whatever it is he was doing before, watching TV on his phone, cooking, working, what have you. Just like you, there's a little bit of a transition time for men that they need to switch gears and come around to getting in the mood or being in that space. Then you could whisper something in his ear, smile at him, wink at him, drop your chin, gaze down at him, push your breasts up against him, scoot into him with your butt, run your hand up his thigh and your man will most likely be and should be almost instantaneously ready to interact with you.
Speaker 0 00:28:28 Look at you, give you attention or play with you in some way most of the time. Now, some of you live with people who are addicted to video games are a little O c D or neurotic, or don't think in those terms, or still feel a little awkward around sex. Some of you live with men who are a bit on the spectrum or play too much on the computer or prioritize watching a show over, spending time with you. Watch a show in a different room because you both like different things. Spend too much time with his boys, spend too much time tinkering in the garage doing his hobbies or just doing him. All of this generally makes women feel like he's completely disinterested. If you try this multiple times, ladies meaning like more than 3, 4, 5 times, and you're not getting a response for sure, you're with a partner where the man needs to step up his game and do some of the work, or he's not physically attracted to you anymore, or he has his own insecurities about things and therefore feels reluctant to begin anything, such as not being able to stay hard or coming too quickly.
Speaker 0 00:29:28 99% of women who come through my office door report back to me that they want a man to lead or that they want him to take charge. But nevertheless, ladies, which you've got to know is it is not unattractive to most men at all. For you too, be
Speaker 1 00:29:43 A little
Speaker 0 00:29:44 Playful or flirty
Speaker 1 00:29:44 Or teasing and submissive. You don't have to dress up in wild outfits, although that's very nice. You don't have to do strip teases, although that's very nice.
Speaker 0 00:29:51 All you have to do
Speaker 1 00:29:52 Is get present with him and help him get present too. And then a man who is
Speaker 0 00:29:59 Sexually attracted to you will usually
Speaker 1 00:30:01 Take it from there. I will add a small disclaimer here that it's possible that you come across a man who,
Speaker 0 00:30:07 For whatever bizarre reason, gets immediately turned off
Speaker 1 00:30:10 If a woman takes the lead or initiates or something like that. I do have a couple thoughts
Speaker 0 00:30:15 About that. I think it's a little immature. I do believe, as I've explained
Speaker 1 00:30:18 In several other episodes, that you can't chase forever. A man can only chase a woman once, and then once he's had
Speaker 0 00:30:24 Sex with
Speaker 1 00:30:24 Her, the deed is done. What more chasing can you do
Speaker 0 00:30:27 So that if you've had
Speaker 1 00:30:28 Sex 5, 10, 20 times,
Speaker 0 00:30:30 I'm not terribly sure that a man needs to initiate for him to feel aroused, excited, turned on, or get hard. So I feel like those are
Speaker 1 00:30:38 Situations where a man needs to get a little bit of help where he can welcome a woman's assertion in different ways. Maybe she's not super aggressive, maybe she's a little more subtle with it,
Speaker 0 00:30:47 But I
Speaker 1 00:30:47 Do believe most men find the female gaze, female presence, and female touch to be incredibly evocative and exciting.
Speaker 0 00:30:55 The other caveat I've got is that often sometimes women have lofty expectations about what their man should do to turn her on or what he should know. And so along the lines of waiting for him to initiate, sometimes what he does isn't enough. Sometimes what he does doesn't do it for her or even might be a little off-putting, but still women don't say anything. You've gotta let him know and you've gotta give him a chance. If he does something really off-put, it's really, really hard to not want to reprimand or insult or put him down and then make him never want to initiate again. So you have to have a nice tone and a nice way about it if you're rejecting, but also giving him some time and space and a chance to do something before shutting him down immediately. Ladies, you've gotta realize men are incredible at noticing obvious things, overt things, even some hidden things.
Speaker 0 00:31:48 But social cues were just not calibrated that way. And it's really your domain. Reading. Body language is a lot harder for men. Reading your social cues, reading your energy, reading what you're really thinking. It's never gonna happen for most men. So you've got to express yourself. Speak about how you feel, give feedback. Let us know when you're not interested or not in the mood. And if you are, you want to give signs of interest, proof of life, are you breathing? Are you excitable? Do you want this? Not just sitting there on your high horse judging and watching, not just sitting there quietly, not knowing what to do, actual interest, active feedback, something beyond just standing there observing, teasing, laughing, making fun, laying there, doing nothing, not being helpful. Maybe you can allow something to happen to you that shows him that you actually want to be doing this too.
Speaker 0 00:32:37 I'm not suggesting here that all women are starfish, but I do know considerable amount of women that struggle with expressing themselves. They can speak up for others, they can defend their children, they can defend their family, they can defend the underdog, but when it comes to themselves and even their own boundaries or speaking up for what they want, it's much harder. You've got to find your voice. Some men do not have the wherewithal to know that if you're letting it happen that you don't necessarily like it. I'd go so far as to say that probably almost no man knows that you might not want to be having sex if you're being compliant and consensual and letting it happen. I think they assume that you probably love it or you're having a good time. The worst of the worst is when I hear husbands and boyfriends say, you'll get into it.
Speaker 0 00:33:25 You'll get used to it. You'll like it once we start. And this is without a doubt such dangerous territory. And even though I believe an encourage men to take responsibility to learn more about women, to pay attention to, not just listen to what they say, but listen to what you do and how you're responding. We can't just blame the men for this because you are in fact saying yes. If someone comes to a used car sales lot or buys a brand new car and they're not sure about it and they don't really wanna do it and they don't know, but they still hand over a check for $50,000 and buy the car, can you blame the car salesman? The car salesman is going to think once she gets behind the wheel, once she gets in the convertible, once she realizes it's hers, the money's not gonna matter.
Speaker 0 00:34:08 And if you're a woman in this position, you need to help your partner understand that he doesn't get this. He doesn't understand that you're gonna have immediate buyer's remorse, or that the next day you'll feel resentment or this is gonna sit with you or it's gonna bother you. And why all of this is on this episode about how to progress sex to the next level is because you are stunting yourself by not speaking up. And men, you're ruining your relationship by having sex with a begrudge wife or by having sex kind of against her will. But she said, you can go ahead and do it anyway. It doesn't make her feel trust, it doesn't make her feel open, and it certainly doesn't move things along in the way that both of you would like so that you can be more sexual in the future. Makes sense for men to understand that you don't want to do something, you have to be extremely obvious.
Speaker 0 00:34:57 Direct, no, I don't want to do this. And furthermore, I personally do not think that any woman should give the option like, no, I don't wanna do this, but I'll do it for you if you want to. Guys, that is not a yes. That's not a welcome invitation. That's a woman saying, I'll tolerate it, I'll deal with it. But what kind of sex can you possibly have? The worst kind as far as I'm concerned. For me, sex should only happen when you know and you feel that there's enthusiastic consent, active consent, and whether you both decide to give it to each other verbally or non-verbally, of course that's up to you. And of course, women, you can give your man standing consent. Like unless I say no, it's a hundred percent okay to start something whenever you want. That's another option. But there should be excitement around it.
Speaker 0 00:35:43 And so I'm encouraging a few things here, ladies. Number one, you gotta speak up. If you don't want something, say it. If you do want something, say it. If you want something different, say it. You gotta get over yourselves about expecting a man to know or read you. Or sometimes these outlandish dreams that a man can read your mind because most people cannot. And even if they could guess who changes their mind all the time about things. Alright, that's a touch of tough love for the ladies and for the men. I understand how badly you might want sex. I understand you may not have had it for a very long time, but you have got to pay attention to your wife or partner. Is she turning her head? Is she wincing? Is she keeping her eyes closed the whole time? Are the lights always out?
Speaker 0 00:36:27 Is the only thing that's happening is her legs are open and she's not fighting you? There should be activity. Even the shyest of women when they're having sex, if you're turning them on in the right way, or they're excited to be there, you can see it in their face. You can tell by their body language. There's no need to push for actual penetration. You can always come back to it later or stretch it out longer. Or remember, we talked about how much women love to spend in that state of arousal. All right, the next suggestion is for men. And it's very simple. Rinse, wash, and repeat. Follow the exact same instructions I just gave to the ladies. The thing is, a lot of men believe that they have to do these grandiose gestures to get a woman to have sex with him or to convince her to do so.
Speaker 0 00:37:10 And while it may be true that in the dating market today, many people are operating this way, transactional activity, you buy me dinner, I give you sex, you take care of me, I give you sex, you buy me this bag, I give you sex. This is not the case in committed and committed monogamous relationships. Sometimes when you want to get something started, less is actually better. I don't mean less like shutting down and not communicating and not saying anything, but going all out and talking about it and reading books and watching podcasts and going full throttle does not always get the best results for women. In fact, what usually happens is it overwhelms them and it backfires. Sometimes simple is better, sometimes just going for it smoothly. Attractively, especially when you have built up a little bit throughout the day, you've gotten her excited or given her morning kisses, noon kisses, some sexy texts here and there, got her mind into having sex.
Speaker 0 00:38:04 Sometimes you really can just be close for a few moments and then start. Some men in order to have sex with their women or because they think they need to do this, they will take her shopping, take her out, go to dinner, take her to special events, take her to brunch, buy her flowers. And while all these things are nice, women do love these gestures, and I think they're great as well. It just doesn't generally equate to hot, passionate sex. It usually doesn't equate to hot chemistry. And another secret here, it usually takes a lot of of work to plan a very big special date that it likely winds up being a grand gesture. That happens once a month or once every six months, or even once every year. And then the woman thinks to herself, okay, he did this one thing to try to get my attention and it was awesome.
Speaker 0 00:38:49 But then what? Nothing else happened. Now there, there's a major flip side to this. If you're the kind of man who never takes her out, who never plans, dates, never does anything fun, you're always at home and you just sort of ask for and bake for sex when you're done playing your video game or tinkering in the garage and you just need a quick release, yeah, taking your woman out on a nice or extravagant date or planning something wonderful is gonna have incredible results. You've just gotta know where you are on the sexual spectrum. But if you actually plan a date and you are masculine and you lead and you make the plans and you have a wonderful night, yes, in this case, of course, she'll likely be more receptive to intimacy and sex cuz you're going out, you're giving her the chance to dress up, you're paying attention to her, complimenting her, spending time together.
Speaker 0 00:39:36 All those things are great. It's just not the default way that women necessarily need in order to be in a sexual frame of mind, taking care of your woman, taking her out, giving her a good time. This is all part of having an attractive and amazing relationship for sure. But sex and intimacy usually doesn't happen when you're out and about. It tends to be a little more spontaneous. And obviously in private, it's much more fun when you're not full and you're not tired and you're not exhausted and you're not going out with friends or family or doing stuff that puts you in a completely non-sexual or non state of mind. What about those times when you're sitting on the couch watching a show? How did you get to that couch? And why didn't you touch her or interact with her beforehand? In fact, why didn't you touch her the moment you sat down?
Speaker 0 00:40:19 Why didn't you sit down and pull her over next to you? Why did you sit far away from her? Why aren't you getting a nice blanket for you to cuddle under? Why aren't you caressing her or giving her some attention? Eye contact kisses, love interacting with her in essential and provocative way is how you progress things forward. What do you do when you walk in the door after going out on a date like this or after working all day or she comes home after working all day? What is your default behavior? Are you on your devices? Are you staring at screens? Are you dealing with children? Are you in the middle of cooking dinner? But especially if you are just being lazy or chilling out on the couch, watching Netflix doing nothing, and you're wondering why she seems unavailable or disinterested when you say, do you want to fuck?
Speaker 0 00:41:02 Should we go in the other room? Why don't we go do it now? Or you just start taking off your clothes. And she doesn't seem particularly on board. It's because you haven't built in any excitement. And all you need to do to do that is to find her where she is in the house. And if she's not in the middle of something urgent, such as slicing vegetables or cooking over an open flame or bending over a hot stove or in the middle of a zoom meeting for work or rushing out the door to get to work or running down the hallway with a little baby in her hand, look in her eyes and get present. Take a breath. Don't make any faces. Don't raise your eyebrows. Don't smile sheepishly. Just look at her and connect with her. Start with that eye contact and presence. Not glaring, not staring, not mad dogging, not holding your breath, not smiling, just being present and looking in her eyes.
Speaker 0 00:41:53 And then just see what unfolds. Do you exchange a few words? Do you let the tension build? Do you want to touch her waist or her mouth or her chest or thighs? I can't tell you how many people come in for coaching and they barely look at each other. Looking in each other's eyes is by far one of the most potent things that you can do. And by the way, if you come in for an appointment to my office in San Diego, I actually teach step by step how to look at your female partner in a way that electrifies her in a way that turns her on, excites her and gets her attention every time. It's simple, but it takes confidence and the right energy and it takes presence. So there's several tips here in this piece. Number one, it doesn't have to be a grandiose gesture if you want to be intimate, although that certainly is helpful and women love this, and you will usually get a favorable response, all right, if you're relaxing at home together, but you've chosen for whatever bizarre reason to sit separately, she's on one side of the couch, you're on the other, you are in a completely different chair.
Speaker 0 00:42:56 She's in the other room watching her show, and you're watching your show in the family room tv. You've got a body pillow separating the space between your bed. Your bed is too big, your bed is too small. She puts in a retainer. He puts on a C P A P machine. Vice versa, someone grabs the iPad and just wants to read before they go to bed. Someone rolls over and turns off the light. If you're separated from one another, you're already in a bad place. You're doing yourself a disservice, closeness, sex intimacy has to happen when you're in proximity of one another, when there's some type of touching, looking, gazing, coaxing, pleasing, loving, kissing, touching, sucking, et cetera, is something as simple as your proximity so far away from one another that no one can reach out and touch somebody. In many cases, that answer is yes, and you have to get closer.
Speaker 0 00:43:45 Hmm, sounds familiar. Now, I personally would recommend coming into the space where your female partner is located and doing something immediately plopping down next to her and touching her, coming down next to her and giving her a hug or kiss, looking in her eyes, sitting on top of her, putting her on top of you, running your hands through her beautiful thick hair, laying her to her side, talking to her for a moment, giving her some attention, watching a show together with some caresses. I mean, it goes on and on. That's not the time to get shy, quiet, come into bed, wait for the lights to be shut off. Wait for her to finish her whole night routine, and finally come to bed and put her retainer in, or take her contacts out or do this whole thing. Climb into bed, turn out the light, and that's when you think it's sexy time.
Speaker 0 00:44:33 Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting. Kills sexuality. And by the way, both men and women should remember that there's a difference between a buildup or a longing where you're creating sexual tension and you're both yearning for it, versus knowing that something should be happening, but no one's doing anything. So we're waiting. And then eventually, usually the female will get annoyed and tired and just want to go to bed. Do you see the difference? One is anticipatory exciting. There's a buildup, there's tension, there's curiosity, there's playfulness. And another is absolutely nothing's happening. No one's doing anything. It's a waiting game. And then your girl gets pissed and frustrated. For me, the way women work is not the way men would like them to work. I think men think that they're just sort of waiting around begging and panting like a puppy wanting sex all the time, ready and receptive, whenever not doing anything, just they're ready and willing to have sex.
Speaker 0 00:45:27 To me, that's crazy making. Women are human beings. They have their own life. They're doing things. They like Us also are O C D, pcp, L S D and M S G. They can't sit still. They've gotta be doing something at all times. They're on their phone, they're on social media, they're doing nothing. They're doing something. They're doing stuff to pass the time. They're stuck in their head. They're doing laundry and brushing their teeth and washing their face and taking off their makeup and taking off their clothes, and putting the kids down and wanting to unwind a little bit and take a few deep breaths and thinking about stuff they've got going on in their lives. It's up to you as a man to shift that energy. And it's so easy to do. Sometimes all you've gotta do is stop her or interrupt her or get in her space in a gentle or assertive or firm way.
Speaker 0 00:46:15 Remember, timing is important, so you should be aware of what she's doing or what's going on in the house when you do make a move. But a woman sometimes is on autopilot. She's rushing over here. She's coming into this room, she's putting these clothes away. She's got this and that to do. She's in her head. We all know this feeling. So you can gently reach for her, stop her, touch her, hold her, grab her, throw her over your shoulders. Toss her on the bed. Toss her on the couch. Pick her up like a little baby. Lay a kiss on her. Lay some sexual tension on her. Pull her by her belt loops. Take a handful of her pants. Take her by her panties, lovingly caress her. Give her a massage. There's a difference between groping and grabbing her in a difference between fondling and touching and caressing, or holding firmly in a way that she finds attractive.
Speaker 0 00:47:00 Remember, you can pull her in because she's yours. She's your girl, she's your wife, she's your lady. Not possession or not an object, but she's with you. You could sit down on the bed next to her and look in her eyes. You could come up from behind when she's looking in the mirror or at the vanity and just press yourself against her. Hold her, squeeze her, kiss her and love her. You've just got to get your hands on her. You wanna bring your masculinity, your energy, your confidence into her space. And I want you to think of the difference between steamrolling, which is not good and smooth, assertion, confident, smooth, forward moving assertion. If you're too careful or you're too cautious, or you're nervous or you're not sure, or you don't usually do this or, or, or. It's always going to read as one thing.
Speaker 0 00:47:46 Insecure. And women are inherently insecure so they don't want to deal with anymore. Even though a lot of us men have those same issues. They wanna feel that you choose her, want her, and you reach out and touch her when you want to be with your partner. Now, this strong language that I'm using, reach out, touch her, grab her, get her. I don't mean not consensually. I mean, if you're with someone who wishes, you'd be more like this, or she hears this and she says, yes, do these things well, then you've got it. This is not advice for someone on a first or second date.
Speaker 0 00:48:22 The next crazy important thing to remember is hear this, it can't be too sweet. That's right. Being sexual means not being too sweet or nice, or overly considerate or overly accommodating. Girls can be sweet and that can be very attractive to you. Sweet is not masculine. But the opposite of sweet is not mean. And listen, I'm a very sweet guy. I love being sweet, kind, nice, generous, caring. I'm super tender and I think you'd be hard pressed to find anybody who can cuddle better than I can. But there's a time and place for these things to come out, these qualities. You don't want to default to being a puppy dog, default to pandering, default to giving her whatever she wants. Being happy to do whatever she says and wants as long as she gives you some form of intimacy in the end, is not attractive.
Speaker 0 00:49:12 So sweet is nice, but it's not sexy. An assertive man who knows what he wants, goes after it and gets it and has his woman or loves his woman, or seduces her or devours her, or even takes her with consent, generally speaking. And all of these words that I'm using are not my personal beliefs that I've developed without any interaction with women. Obviously, this comes directly from hearing women say this to me or to their husband or on their intake forms. And I hear it over and over and over and over again. So your approach cannot and must not exclusively be sweet, nice, friendly. Hi, babe. Hey, love. Hey honey. It can't be tight lipped. Hey babe, how is your day? Oh, good. Okay. Hey, how's it going? It's too loving, gentle and soft. And again, I love being loving, gentle and soft in the right time and place.
Speaker 0 00:50:09 Not when I'm trying to have sex with a person, when I'm appreciating her, when I'm loving on her when I'm dotting, or we're just having a nice relaxing time together or after sex, it's great. But a lot of times this energy is going to read to woman is being boring if it's all you're bringing to the table. I'm just going to randomly make up a few ideas of ways that you can say something to your partner. If you have to say something at all, Hey, come over here for a second. That outfit is really working for me. Welcome home, baby. Come over here. Or if you wanna be more assertive, what are you doing? What are you doing? Stop it. Come here. Sit down. Do you think you are looking so good? Okay, that's better. Now open your thighs just a little bit and then you can go in and kiss her neck or caress her hair or feel her thighs, not condescending, not rude and disrespectful.
Speaker 0 00:51:05 Playful, confident, assertive. And then you've heard common ones like, why don't you go set your stuff down and meet me upstairs in 15 minutes. Oh, I ran a bath for you, babe. Why don't you go drop a bath bomb in there, and I'll see you there in a few minutes. Hmm, baby, it looks like you've had a long day. Why don't you go unwind upstairs for a few minutes and I'll meet you up there with a nice massage. These are a few fun ones I came up with. You can come up with some of your own. You'll notice that I'm using a particular voice, a particular tone, a speed. I'm not being too demanding or angry or fast or arrogant. And then the other important thing to remember, and this is huge guys, is once you start being seductive and playful like this, if you just close in on her and lay kisses on her and start making out and rubbing on her, you've popped all the sexual energy. It's not about trying to get as close as possible and rub her shoulders and arms and legs. You've gotta let this energy breathe a little bit, let it play out. Let it take some different turns.
Speaker 0 00:52:05 I find that for a very small number of women, they'll become sexually aroused by some very traditional types of courting. In other words, I think if you take a girl to dinner that doesn't make her get wet, if you go do something nice for her, you buy her flowers. It doesn't make her want to have sex with you. But for some women especially who are raised in maybe like an eastern European culture, maybe that kind of starts to stoke the fire a little bit. Excessive amounts of compliments, huge amounts of attention being so sweet and tender. And then you very carefully place a delicate kiss and build it up very slowly. It's fine. And some people like this sort of thing. So if you've got a girl like that, great, no judgment at all. But what I find that most, and when I say most, I really mean 90 to 95% of people who come through my door. What women are looking for is a little more intensity, a little more vivaciousness, a little more excitement and passion.
Speaker 0 00:53:02 So don't be predictable. Don't do the same thing over and over again, even if you know she likes it. Don't try the same thing over and over and over again. What does being predictable look like? Everybody gets ready for bed, lights go out, you crawl in and then you kind of reach over and fumble about or you say something, or you're just kind of soft and cuddly. This is not a sexually arousing turn on for most women. So it's really important to know and figure out. And even ask your girl what kind of girl she is. Does she need to always start things slow? Does it always need to be lights out, very gentle, very slow and soft and delicate? I promise you, the longer you're married, this is going to be far less common. Or is she more like, give me the excitement. Let me see it in your eyes.
Speaker 0 00:53:49 Make me feel like you want me, pursue me. Chase me, desire me in committed long-term relationships. And frankly, all the time I find that women start craving just something more intense. They have stronger fantasies they don't tell you about. They fantasize about wild things. They're often thinking about rougher or more aggressive or more assertive sex, or at the very least sex that doesn't happen as a result of you asking for it or just nudging your way into the bedroom. And as always, for the umpteenth disclaimer, if you are someone who perceives yourself to be the alpha male or you talk too much in bed, or you just pound the hell out of her, or you just rail her, maybe this advice isn't for you and you need to learn how to become a little more delicate, sensitive, open, communicative, sharing just a little bit about how you feel sensitive to her needs.
Speaker 0 00:54:41 Reading her. You get the idea. Okay, so now we finally get to talk about how to engage in suggestive behavior. These are like the core principles that I teach in San Diego in my office for closeness. Everything is suggestive and suggestive creates sexual tension. Something I've noticed from doing this over the years is that you can talk about it. You can try to put the things I say into action, but sometimes it's still not right. Even if you think you're following exactly what I'm saying, the energy isn't there, the confidence isn't there. Something is missing and needs a little tweaking. So if you find yourself getting stuck, no matter where you live in the world, sometimes doing a session with me is very helpful to get it down pat because you can role play it right in front of me with your partner. And I could give steps and tips and suggestions and even do it myself if you'd like, so that you get the result that you're looking for.
Speaker 0 00:55:33 It's so interesting because without the demonstrations and interactions, I can say, do this and do that. And the woman will say, yes, that sounds great. Please give me some of that. But then your application of it, the way men go home and do it, always seems to be missing something. So really dialing in what it is, I can't tell you enough how important that is. So what I'm talking about is lining up your energy. And when that's lined up, it doesn't take much, it doesn't take hours. It can take an instant, a moment to get her attention, for you to catch her attention in a way that's sexually provocative and suggestive. So coming back to this idea of being at home, wherever you are in the house, you're on the sofa, you're in bed. If you're already doing something together, it's really hard to be sexual.
Speaker 0 00:56:17 If you're relaxing solo with your hand in your pants like Al Bundy, it's hard to be sexual. If you're watching a show or on your your phone or distracted by something, do you think that suddenly out of the blue, you're just going to be overtly sexual? You're always gonna take her by surprise, and sometimes surprise can be a delight, but not in this way. There are some pretty cool women out there who you can surprise with sexual aggressiveness and it's welcome most of the time. But I recommend figuring out by asking her If you're with someone like this, for most people, you've gotta find a happy medium between just instantly taking off all your clothes, trying to get it in, asking her to have sex, immediately being very sexual, a happy medium between that and then being too nice, soft, gentle, and sweet. It's the extremes that you wanna look out for.
Speaker 0 00:57:03 And all of your playing and enjoyment can happen in the gray areas. And remember, just because you're hard does not mean you have to have sex. Just because you're hard right now does not mean it needs to go in. Even if it goes down, even if the action takes a little bit of a detour, it's okay, but for most people, my suggestion is this. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong. It doesn't mean you're basic or average. It's just likely to work Most of the time. Most women respond really well to a sexual or sensual intention that's not obnoxiously direct and not too gentle and sweet, which usually means assertive eye contact, a dominant stance, a smooth caress or a surprise movement that might look like scooping her up or picking her up, or softly pushing her over to the bed or taking her hand and leading her somewhere, or telling her what to do lovingly, maybe gently putting your hand on her chest and walking her backwards while you've gently pushed her up against a wall, making sure that both you and her do not trip.
Speaker 0 00:58:04 It might look like taking her hand. And she's like, what? What? What are you doing? And you just guide her to the bedroom, putting your hand on the small of her back and leading her, taking her hand and giving her a twirl, grabbing her belt loops and pulling her forward, smelling her neck, pushing her hair back behind her ears, fixing her bangs, gently touching her throat or holding it, sucking on her ear lobe or giving it a kiss, biting or kissing her neck if she's getting too lost in the sauce, putting your finger gently over her lips and saying, baby, and giving her some new direction, leading her to your erection, no. Once again, calibrate. That will work on some women and not all, but we're talking about spending time in the gray area between being too dominant, too aggressive, too strong, too cringey, or over the top and too nice, and almost every time.
Speaker 0 00:58:54 Everything in between is what's going to bring you the most success most of the time. Then once you do something, once you take action, it's not a magic button, it's not as though you can just give her a little nibble or kiss her lips or push her up against the wall. Aha, I did this move and now she's suddenly turned on and ready. You as a man must keep the train moving, keep the energy moving, not spending too long or too little, doing one thing and not expecting that one move has suddenly prepared her to rip off all of her clothes. It also means you can't look at her like, okay, well I did this. I took out the trash, I looked at you this way. I was super assertive, and you're not ready when you give her those eyes. The jig is up. You need to stay confident and assured of yourself.
Speaker 0 00:59:42 You've got to do more than one thing, more than two things, usually more than three things to keep the excitement building. For example, it might be very tempting to get lost, kissing up and down her neck for three to five or 10 minutes. Don't do this. Kiss up and down her neck a few times and see how she responds. Get in, come out, check on her. Look in her eyes. Go somewhere else. If she's really loving it, come back and spend a little more time there. But we're not talking several minutes in one spot. Don't get too lost, caressing, caressing, caressing the outside of her body or just rubbing her arm back and forth. Try rubbing your own arm in the same spot for two to three minutes nonstop and see how much you like it. Once a woman is ready to be sexual or she's turned on, a lot of that stuff becomes a little extra or boring or unnecessary and even annoying.
Speaker 0 01:00:36 So it's a fine line that you have to walk as you become an expert in an understanding the speed at which you should move. Not moving too fast, not moving too slow, and I'm not trying to be vague here, but there's definitely a line moving too slow, might look like really long amounts of eye contact, a lot of caressing on the outside of her body, slow caressing on the inside of the body, A few gentle kisses working all over her body. That could be a little slow. For most women too fast is like you get in front of her and you're already undoing her pants or your pants or you're grabbing at her breasts. When you first get involved with someone, that sex seems to happen on its own and by default, and you fall into patterns that you establish early on, especially if she was the one to initiate it first.
Speaker 0 01:01:23 If you're not a very sexual person or if you've got very mismatched sex drives, or if it's always been her who has initiated things, or if you're working through any other sexual issue, you've got to add some spice. I actually recommend listening to another episode I do called How to Create Hot Chemistry from Nothing. How to properly kiss, how to properly go down on a woman, how to properly have sex with a man or woman. All of these are great resources for you. And you know there's even one for sexually inexperienced men that I think is great for almost everyone to listen to unless you're a sexual dynamo. So we're talking about keeping the train moving, keeping the action moving forward, continuing to progress being sexual and intimate until you ultimately get to having some nice sex. To do that, you kind of have to have a sense of what you're going to do next.
Speaker 0 01:02:09 I don't mean plan out step by step by step, but it should be in your awareness of like, okay, now I'm gonna go here. Now I'm gonna go there. And if you don't know what you would do, maybe it's worth thinking about or if you even need writing it down or watching a movie that you like where someone seduces his woman in a way that you find very attractive so you have a sense of what the pacing is. Cuz it's very hard to go from no sexual chemistry to sex. It's very easy to go from great sexual chemistry, right to sex, but I find that most people in relationship need some of this nice transition. What does it mean to move things forward and keep the train moving? You are ramping up the sexual energy. You are progressing, but it doesn't need to be an immediate or instant leap.
Speaker 0 01:02:54 You're trying to match or exceed her sexual energy by a little bit. Now if she's shy turning her head to one side or being a little resistant, if she's pulling back, that's not the time to keep the train moving and ramp it up. But if you notice that she's sort of sitting there looking at you or gazing at you, or even look slightly annoyed, or she's hanging around in your presence or isn't doing a whole lot of anything, or is just dicking around on her phone or she's allowing you to do things to her, but kind of waiting for more, and this is a really big one that happens to married couples and people in long-term relationships. You're doing stuff and she's just allowing it to happen. If she wants it, it's likely that you're actually not doing enough or you're not bringing enough intensity and passion to her.
Speaker 0 01:03:42 What can you do? You can put her hands on you. You can give her a little bit more of an intense gesture, like a squeeze or holding her face or gently pulling her hair. Some woman love it if you hold their neck. You could run your fingers up and down her thighs. You can spin her around, bend her over, go down on her, put her into a fun and exciting position. You can also unbutton her pants. Tell her to unbutton her pants, unbutton your pants, tell her to unbutton or unzip your pants. You can pop her bra off. You can caress her breasts. Feel them, support them, hold them, pinch them lightly tug on them softly. And of course you can put her into your favorite sexual positions on the ground, on the bed, on the couch. Do you want it missionary with your feet crammed to the headboard.
Speaker 0 01:04:25 Do you want it from the back with your face in the pillow? So you can yell as loud as you want to. Do you want it on the floor? Do you want it on the chair? Do you want it over here? Do you want it over there? And then, you know, just give her anything she can handle, which leads us right into our next point. Dirty talk or sensual talk or sex talk. Kind of wanna see you on your hands and knees right now. Why don't you go climb on the bed right now and show me your favorite position explicitly. Show me how you like to touch it. Open your legs. God, you look so hot right now. Who do you think you are looking this gorgeous? What did I tell you about looking at me that way? Turn around now.
Speaker 0 01:05:05 Whatever you might wanna say. Saying it in the right tone with the right speed near her ear with eye contact and the right gaze can be hugely impactful. What you don't wanna do do is talk about sex like a 12 year old boy or a high school boy in a locker room. You don't necessarily want to use words like penis, sexy time, pecker, boner, or you want me to rail you or let's bone down. An interesting ancillary observation that I have from working with people for so long is that it often feels like men have such an unwillingness to play or to go there or to explore or expand or be taught something new. Almost like they don't want to engage or they say it all feels like acting. They can't do anything other than the most basic or mundane of gestures. And I say, my God, we're multifaceted beings at work.
Speaker 0 01:05:56 You are someone else at home. You behave differently and are someone else with your family or someone else, are you acting with them or are you just being an activating different versions of yourself? It's okay to rev up your emotions or sound silly for a few times while you get the hang of it or put yourself in an uncomfortable situation. Guys just want to be monotone. Whereas women are much more versatile or into fantasy or play or exploring. They're willing to try different things. They're willing to try different things that their man does to them. They want it done to them, and they're willing to go along with it. Everybody's familiar with the phrase role-playing, and it's a little bit like that. So often men are scared to just branch out just a little bit. They're nervous to roll their shoulders back or be a little assertive and dominant, or they think they're going to offend or upset their wife because they brought some intensity.
Speaker 0 01:06:48 I'm not suggesting you have to fundamentally become a different human being or a version of yourself that you don't recognize. But adding some confidence and flavor, being willing to play all out with your voice is very fun practice. We have voice recorders on all of our phones. Listen to your voice, adjust it, modulate it. Try sinking down into a deeper tone space out your words a little bit, talk slower. And then notice what sounds silly and ridiculous and pompous. What sounds amazing and sexy and hot. Try it out on a few friends. See what response you get. But we don't always have to talk in a way that makes us appear to be a one-dimensional man.
Speaker 0 01:07:31 Most women find things that you would talk about with your guys locker room talk really graphic sex jokes. A lot of stuff like that is very repulsive to women. It makes their eyes widen, but not in a good way. They find it shocking and unattractive. But there's a way to be sexy by using words that work. And it could be archaic from the 18 hundreds. It could be witty, it could be very crass and dirty. In some cases it could be playful and sensual and seductive. You could call out what you see that you like. You can tell her what to do. You can tell her things that turn you on. Watch some videos on how to do it. Come in to see me for a session or two and we'll practice in each of her ears and I'll say something and you'll say something and we'll see if we can get her all tingly and excited so you guys can go home and have an amazing time together. <laugh>,
Speaker 0 01:08:15 All of these things that I'm suggesting are very different. Mind you, extremely different from saying, Hey, do you want to go have sex right now? Hey, we got a little time. You wanna go bang one out. You wanna, you know, all of that hinting and suggesting is very different than saying, come over here, we're going upstairs. Gimme your hand for a minute. Put it over here. God, let me see these gorgeous tits of yours. Mm, I want to get you out of this. Take it off slowly for me. Okay, stop. Stop. I'll take it off. Can you hear and feel the difference between that versus you wanna go have sex? If you can do that, if you can find the confidence to do that, the rewards will be staggering for you. Hmm, and my final tip on this front is to not whisper it. Don't be this guy.
Speaker 0 01:09:05 Take off your shirt. Do you wanna go have sex? Let me get you out of these clothes. Get on your ants and knees. We go get my stretch Bible. You know what I'm saying? We could split this club. Very, very few women find that attractive. It might be a start. They might actually be like, wow, he's actually talking. But you're gonna want to go ahead and use your man voice. All right. And then finally, it's about delivering the goods. And this entire show is a resource for how to do that, to learn how to take each additional step and to do it in a way that is sexually attractive to your female partner. You've gotta put your money where your mouth is. You need to undress yourself or undress her or have her do something or be more intense and passionate with her. Give her a wonderful experience.
Speaker 0 01:09:47 It should go without saying that when possible, she can and should come first. And that doesn't necessarily mean that she plays with herself or you eat her out to get her hers so that you can get yours. Give her a nice rewarding experience. Watch her pay attention to her. You wanna make sure she's not tuned out, checked out. And also men, if you are in missionary all the time, on top of her, just two horizontal bodies rubbing against each other and your head is buried in the pillow where you can't see her and you have no idea what's going on, that's not it. You're missing out on such a magnificent world and probably she's not enjoying it as much as she could be. If you always have to bend her over or do it from behind in a position where you literally can't see her face, by the way, is the most obnoxious and worst way you can have sex with someone regularly.
Speaker 0 01:10:35 You're doing it wrong. These are good for moments. These are good for a few minutes in the interaction, not the exclusive way in which you should be having sex. Ladies, if you're listening and you find yourself in one of these positions, I frankly would not bother having sex with someone again if he only ever puts you in one position and it's the least connected position there is. There's no eye contact. You guys are just quite literally banging it out. I wouldn't have sex with someone again if the only way he's willing to have sex with you, and the only way he can come is by being overly confident or dominant and assertive and just banging you out for his own pleasure exclusively. To me, that's using someone for sex. To me, it's not a connected experience. And you might as well get a sex doll or sex toy or masturbation tool because that is not what sex is about. If your sex life is on it's supercharged and you're doing it three or four or five times a week, and
Speaker 2 01:11:28 Once in a while you're like, baby, I want you to use me. I want you to take me as your little sex toy or sex doll. And you want to have that aggressive adrenaline rush that comes from being taken. And the thrill that most women fantasize about, that's a different story than having sex every time the same way.
Speaker 0 01:11:47 And finally, delivering the goods also means being able to last longer than a few minutes and ideally longer than 10 minutes, 10 to 15 minutes is a good start. Having caught control where you are in control of when you finish. Not bere and selfish, not doing the same stroke and position all the time, but switching things up a little bit. Connecting with your partner by looking directly in her eyes with intensity and sincerity and passion and breathing. Giving her kisses if she likes that, making out kissing her nipples and breasts. If she likes that. Her stomach, the insides of her thighs, there's so much more to the human body than just boobs, butt, and the chacha. Does she like when you bite her neck? Does
Speaker 2 01:12:27 She like when you are caressing her softly? Does she like when you pull her hair a little bit at the top of her scalp? Does she like neck rubs or having
Speaker 0 01:12:36 Her ear lobes kissed
Speaker 2 01:12:37 Or having her lips sucked on what
Speaker 0 01:12:40 Works? And then once you find something that works, use it. Yes, but don't repeat it indefinitely from here on out, like a Staples easy button. Mix
Speaker 2 01:12:49 It up, change it up a little bit. Do it in some different places. Try some different positions. And then you could come back to the old classics. And that, my friends, is how you go from cuddling to putting it down on her
Speaker 0 01:13:02 Best friends, sitting around doing nothing together, but watching shows, going from no sex life to something really hot and passionate. And you can use this approach whether you're 20 years old or 80 years old, or anywhere in between. Thank you for listening. I hope you've enjoyed this episode immensely. To listen to other episodes like this, you can find closeness everywhere. Podcasts can be found, including youtube.com/closeness, as well as Spotify, Tesla Geezer, iHeart, apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, and more. If you wanna come in for a visit or do a virtual visit, you can visit the website, crave closeness.com/intake to get started. Finally, you can just Google Closeness San Diego to learn more. Thank you and have a great lay. Gotcha.
