Episode Transcript
Speaker 0 00:00:00 Welcome to the Closeness Podcast, your new sexual education. My name is T and one of the major things that I've learned from being in the sex and intimacy space for so long is that we all believe that our sexual issues, our intimacy issues, the things that we're going through, aside from feeling very confidential and vulnerable, we also believe somehow that these types of situations don't happen to anyone else but us. And so we keep these as very private personal secrets, very close to the vest. We don't want anyone else knowing about our business because we think we may become or look or feel a little exposed or have someone take advantage of us or just perhaps feel a little embarrassed. But to me, and what I've discovered is quite simply that we all have secrets and we all experience different types of sexual and intimate trauma.
Speaker 0 00:00:50 And of course, we all have real insecurity, anxiety, and problems when it comes to our sexuality and our intimate lives. Maybe just maybe the first 10 to 100 times that you have sex with someone, there's no problem or no perceived problem, but even that's not true. If you really think about it, imagine if you could take a video with your brain about every moment that happens, every time you have sex, and you can play it back moment by moment how you felt, what you thought, what was going through your mind. I guarantee all of us would be up and down and up and down and up and down until if even the moment came where the sex was so good that it finally shut us up. We were finally able to just get into it and feel primal with someone. Plus, there's all the logistics of sex.
Speaker 0 00:01:41 Did someone come too quickly or take too long to come or not come at all? Was the way that things got started a little sloppy or awkward or messy? And we constantly, constantly disregard these things. Well, let's just get out of our clothes. Well, he or she is rushing it. Well, he or she didn't do anything to get me excited or warmed up, but here we are and let's just go through with it. Well, it's a wifely duty or a husbandly duty to take care of my partner in this way. I mean, I can make a list of a thousand different things that go wrong during all forms of sex and intimacy that we just ignore and brush under the rug. When clients come in to see me for a session, one of the first things that they do is fill out a very optional and very thorough intake form.
Speaker 0 00:02:25 I've noticed over the years that it not only acts a little bit like a free session because you get to get it all out on paper, so to speak, but most people are able to really open up and find that they share a part of themselves that they have maybe never articulated before and certainly never written down before. Usually there's a is extremely cathartic and it helps us get to the bottom of the issue rather quickly. And so very quickly we get clear about what's needed in the relationship, what they want, what's going on. And I would say more than every once in a while, a client comes along and shares something that speaks so perfectly to what I think almost all women are going through in her situation or almost all men are going through in his situation, that with full consent and permission, it would be a shame for people going through something similar to not have the opportunity to hear it, understand it, and resonate with it.
Speaker 0 00:03:24 Because so many of us are sitting in silence. We're not speaking up. We don't have anyone to turn to. Maybe we can't afford a coach or therapy or getting help in some way, or we're too nervous and shy or scared to come in. We think if this gets spoken about, I'm gonna have to confront myself. I'm gonna have to look into things that make me feel uncomfortable, and maybe I don't want to do that right now. So this new and creative podcast, and hopefully many after begins from a place that traditionally no one would have access to except myself and the clients in the room together. And so this is a real client's story using her own words with, of course, I'll be saying this multiple times, her consent, her full permission to share this, her husband's permission to share it. Everything that I'm about to share with you is coming directly from her.
Speaker 0 00:04:22 And this particular woman, like many, many of my clients, is a military wife. And there are so many commonalities when it comes down to intimacy and how people in this arena interact with one another. I have the utmost respect for this couple, and I think that this is both very bold and very important work. So what you're about to hear is a woman who's speaking for herself and her own personal experience, but I'm of the opinion that she's really speaking for all of us. She's speaking for any woman who has ever felt nervous, worried, alone, concerned, scared, or uncertain about what's going to happen next in her relationship. I think this is an incredible gift to be able to share with all of you and to my very special client who's been willing to do this. Thank you so much to both of you for making this happen.
Speaker 0 00:05:15 I think this is really going to be significant and extremely helpful to every single person and couple who listens to it. I thought it would be interesting for you to be able to listen to two versions of this interview. The first being with my own commentary where I'm constantly infusing and layering in important details that I think are relevant to what she's sharing. And of course, the second version at the end of the podcast, which you'll be able to just jump to if you want to go right to it. First is just the simple q and a between us during the first part of the interview. I did my best to break it up with different vocal intonations, so hopefully you'll be able to tell which part is asking a question, which part is my own own commentary, and then which part is her response because it's all me talking and I've left gaps of space in between so that our brains can process everything. If you know already that you want to hear the 20 or 25 minute interview first without any additional commentary, you could jump right now to about 58 minutes and 30 seconds. And so without further ado, here is a unique and rare interview with a real closeness client who's in her early thirties. Hi. Where would you place your sex drive? Right about now,
Speaker 1 00:06:29 It's
Speaker 0 00:06:29 A five, but it used to be higher.
Speaker 1 00:06:32 How does that compare to your partners? I don't know what his is. I think he's got a lower sex drive. It seems like we only have sex whenever I initiate.
Speaker 0 00:06:43 Okay, jumping in and right off the bat, I'm going to add this is one of the most common things I hear with couples is that if a woman wants sex or sex is going to happen in the relationship, it's a result of her initiating because for whatever reason, the man has stopped doing so she initiates or doesn't happen. And this puts the relationship in a precarious situation because it's almost as though the man loses his ability or wherewithal to do so.
Speaker 1 00:07:09 How long have you been together? About seven or eight years. Tell me a little bit about what's actually working in your relationship right now. He's my best friend. I trust him. He doesn't judge me. I can be myself around him. He's kind. We can be goofy together, and we've got similar backgrounds.
Speaker 0 00:07:27 This is also a very common answer I hear in my practice is that a couple are best friends. There's a beautiful long list of all the reasons why they get along, why they love each other. However, it comes down to this one, people often say little thing, and I would say one enormous thing, which is this disconnect with intimacy. And when I see this on so many people's forms, I see how people minimize it. They think, well, we should probably get this part handled, or we'd really like to get this part handled, but I find it to be one of the most important parts of your relationship. That's because it's at play in every moment of your day, when you go out, how people see you publicly, how you interact with one another publicly and privately when you're sitting on the couch together, when you're in bed and when you're having dinner together, the intimacy in your relationship matters.
Speaker 1 00:08:17 On some occasions, I do wish that my husband would be more dominant and assertive, and it takes me by surprise in the best way possible. I fantasize about this, but when I wake up, sometimes those feelings are gone as though there's a veil between my dreams and reality.
Speaker 0 00:08:32 In my earlier twenties, I could fantasize
Speaker 1 00:08:35 And the intimacy would transfer to reality. My sex drive then was pretty close to a nine or 10.
Speaker 0 00:08:42 And what about how well you communicate together? How is the communication?
Speaker 1 00:08:46 Our communication is lacking. I feel as though I communicate too much or overcommunicate. I fear that I'm nagging and oversharing, overanalyzing, non-verbal communication because I feel that in the time that we've been together, I feel like my partner communicates very little. It feels as though nothing troubles him unless it's work related. He doesn't call to say when he is maybe coming home what he wants for dinner, when he wants dinner, and what bothers him about bad habits that I may have, or if I'm rude,
Speaker 0 00:09:16 Jumping in as your host here, you can see that this woman is really sort of taking charge of the relationship. She's taking ownership of it. She's having to pick up the slack in her own mind. You can see she's starting to experience a little bit of anxiety and worry around not knowing what's going on with him. And this is one of the first ways that relationships and communication breaks down.
Speaker 1 00:09:41 When we do communicate, he seems to take things very sensitively. Sometimes he'll tell me how messed up he is or how screwed up he is, or take full accountability and say that it's all his fault. Sometimes it seems as though he's a victim or that we're not teammates. And I'm the perpetrator
Speaker 0 00:09:58 Tar here. In closeness sessions, one of the big lessons that I work with with men who are extremely nice or caring or loving or generous, is that overly apologizing or self-deprecation or insulting yourself. All of these things are very sexually unattractive qualities as well. Yeah, it's important to apologize if you did do something wrong and you genuinely want to give an apology, but if it's something that you're doing all the time or multiple times a day or week, it completely loses its power. And an apology is not your ticket to sensuality. As men, we either want to solve problems, fix them, apologize for them, and move on. But sometimes the best thing to do is just be better.
Speaker 1 00:10:45 His self-esteem towards himself can seem low in how he perceives situations. I do my best to filter what I can or deliver it in the best possible way, yet it still feels like he was hurt in the process.
Speaker 0 00:10:58 This in turn, would then make me regret
Speaker 1 00:11:00 Sharing it because our conversations
Speaker 0 00:11:01 Would seem to spiral
Speaker 1 00:11:02 Into an emotional
Speaker 0 00:11:03 Conversation, and that would be a total turnoff. Mihir a while back, I did almost an entire podcast episode on this subject. Person A is in a lot of emotional pain or they're upset or angry and they wanna share it with their partner person B. In doing so, person B either gets so upset, so hurt, so offended, so broken down that all of the attention is now shifted to the concern for person B'S wellbeing. So maybe person A really needed to have their feelings validated or be heard or listened to, or even receive an authentic apology, but now all of the attention is shifted to person B and making sure that they're okay. That creates a lot of tension in relationships. So it's really important when someone comes to you with a problem or they're upset or they're angry to not make it it about yourself, even if it's accidental. What are you struggling with right now in your relationship?
Speaker 1 00:12:00 I feel like I've lost my sexual drive. I feel like I've lost myself. I don't get turned on anymore by anything.
Speaker 0 00:12:07 Occasionally A B D S M story or new podcast could get me going, and I would find myself checking for a new update every few days. I'm not the biggest fan of porn, but sometimes I would check for a specific scene that might excite me
Speaker 1 00:12:19 And 365 days on Netflix. Yeah, I've watched that six times. I've told my partner how much the show turns me on, but afterwards I felt embarrassed mentioning it. He's yet to watch it. So I privately read chapters from books that I've found. I wanna feel that part of myself that I've lost.
Speaker 0 00:12:40 Mihir? Yes. And this here is something I see so often in session, which is women yearning, waiting and hoping for something to happen, or they share something with their partner. In this case, it sounds like she was very direct about it. Hey, I watched this show. It turns me on. It makes me horny. We should do something about it. Let's watch it together. Let's act it out. Let's have some fun in this capacity. And I think for many women, this falls on deaf ears. Yes, men hear it, but then they don't take action or do something about it. And men, you gotta know, women talk and share a lot of things with you, and it's really sometimes challenging to discern which of those things you actually need to do something with. But if you're attentive and present and aware, you'll see that she'll drop hints all the time. That sounds fun, that looks nice. What do you think about this? Have you seen this show? Would you like to watch this show? I find that so often women phrase things not like, I want you to watch this show because I want you to do this stuff to me. And more like, have you seen this? Would you maybe wanna check this out? And that's the place where you really want to take action. She continues,
Speaker 1 00:13:53 I feel almost misled into this relationship. While we were dating, I told him that I needed a dominant, more assertive partner. He said he was and that it would not be a problem. I told him that I've got a tendency of walking all over passive men without meaning to taking charge of the relationship and that I end up disliking myself and eventually them. But he assured me that he was assertive. I feel as though he was misleading.
Speaker 0 00:14:23 So notice how she just said, I wind up disliking myself and disliking him. Why? Because she had to take charge of the situation. She had to take ownership of the relationship or be the assertive or dominant one. This is extremely unattractive to most women. Taking charge and even being dominant is not an aggressive thing. It just comes down to caring for your woman and caring about
Speaker 1 00:14:51 The relationship.
Speaker 0 00:14:53 She continues
Speaker 1 00:14:54 Years into the relationship. He said he was told by previous partners that he was also a little too passive. I know that I need a dominant, strong, confident, assertive man to make me feel safe financially, emotionally, physically, and mentally.
Speaker 0 00:15:12 What woman doesn't resonate with these words? For men? There's no shame in recognizing or identifying that maybe you're not dominant, assertive, aggressive, but it's really, really important to not convince your female partner that you are or assume that you have a deep understanding of what that means when you've really never had much experience acting that way. It's a learned skill. Maybe there are a tiny handful of men who can be assertive and dominant naturally. But something that I've noticed over and over again is that men just truly don't know how. And I think part of this is from women not speaking up and saying it or expressing, Hey, I don't find this attractive. This is too much or too little. And of course, I often hear women report back all the time. They feel like they can't tell men or give them any feedback or advice because it either bruises them or they don't want to hear it or they want to do it themselves.
Speaker 1 00:16:05 I haven't
Speaker 0 00:16:06 Seen very often a man comport himself in a way that the woman finds instantly sexually attractive. It's something that we have to repeat in sessions over and over and over again until it has that desired
Speaker 1 00:16:21 Pop
Speaker 0 00:16:22 That excites women. Jumping back
Speaker 1 00:16:26 In. I wanna be desired. I want to have the foundation in place for a strong household for children. I want to feel secure that he can handle my emotions such as my temper, and I don't want him to be blown out by my fire, anxiety or slight PTs. D. In all of these examples, I have instances where these needs have not been met and I feel it's translated into a lower libido. I'm tired of how much control I have, how much I manage. I feel as though I fell into this role as though the moment I get off from work, I clock right back in again as a joke. He would say, yes, ma'am, to some of my requests. I hated that.
Speaker 0 00:17:06 She hated that because what's the number one thing a woman wants to be able to do after a long day of work out in the difficult world? To me, it's the ability to come home and relax, unwind, not think, and once again, not have to take charge or take control. She wants to be taken care of,
Speaker 1 00:17:28 And there's nothing wrong with that. She says, so many things consume my thoughts. Our pets, do they need more food? Our children, when and where to pick them up? If I pick up food for us, will he even notice? Am I paying the bills, the taxes, the mortgage, the interest? What about our 401k research that we desperately need to do? Should we put our house on the market? Is it a good time or should we rent it out? HOA payments, budgeting.
Speaker 0 00:17:55 When we lived out of state, our accounts were overdrawn so much that we lived off of cheap food and rice for two weeks.
Speaker 1 00:18:03 Financially this was a shock for me. I've been living without my parents since I turned 17. I was taught how to budget and so to be married, and in this situation, it felt like a step back. I feel like I'm drowning, and yet my partner is comfortable. I feel like if I lied from the beginning and hid this from him that I'm unhappy in the marriage, he would've been oblivious to it. I also feel that by sharing my concerns and desires, that it did not help our situation either.
Speaker 0 00:18:36 Mihir, sadly. So often a woman's default state of mind is concern or worry. And so often a guy's state of mind is, don't worry about it, it's fine. It'll be okay, which can be very reassuring words if that's true, but I do find that women seem to think that the relationship is going off the rails much sooner than a man ever will. And while so many of us yes, suffer from PTSD D or have a little bit of O C D or even A D H D, it's still important to recognize those signs when your woman is feeling concerned and worried about certain things and brings them to your attention,
Speaker 1 00:19:15 She says, he wants me to remind him of things, make lists of things that need to get done and post them for him. Cue him on what he should and shouldn't do. He says, I'm not nagging and that he doesn't mind, but I mind it. Even that is stressful in itself because if I forget one item, will it ever get done? In some cases it feels like it won't. Why must I keep track of so much? Things like this were never discussed before. Our marriage. How did we never talk about our assumed roles? Mihir,
Speaker 0 00:19:48 These types of things constantly contribute to a woman's stress and anxiety and certainly don't put her in a sexually receptive mood. And then number two, I'm of the strong belief that no woman wants a son for a husband or boyfriend. She wants to feel like he's the man of the house. An excellent question for
Speaker 1 00:20:08 A man to ask himself any time he interacts with his girlfriend or wife is,
Speaker 0 00:20:13 Am
Speaker 1 00:20:13 I behaving like
Speaker 0 00:20:14 A
Speaker 1 00:20:14 Boy or am I
Speaker 0 00:20:15 Behaving like the man that I want to
Speaker 1 00:20:17 Be? She says, A counselor of mine theorizes that from my previous relationship, which was verbally abusive em, bordering on becoming physical,
Speaker 0 00:20:26 That as a defense mechanism. I went on the polar opposite side of the spectrum to find a man who would never abuse me.
Speaker 1 00:20:32 But in doing so, I found someone who was also consequently more passive.
Speaker 0 00:20:38 For everyone listening, I can't emphasize enough how often I see women make a choice like this. And there's nothing wrong with it. It's just something that everyone should be aware of. Usually women have had a lot of peak sexual experiences when they were younger with aggressive or more rough or more assertive and dominant men, and they really loved, loved the way that felt sexually. But of course, this guy was not made of husband material. He was likely
Speaker 1 00:21:05 Unable to provide,
Speaker 0 00:21:06 Unable to be a stable partner, not a wonderful person who she'd wanna raise a family with. And I think women have a really hard time with this having to choose. It's that nice guy, bad boy complex, someone who just bangs them out really well versus someone who is a loving, stable, committed, and faithful partner. And ideally, you want both. That's kind of why I'm in business. I teach men how to be the kind of man that can offer her both. So men listening, are you a safe man or a dangerous man? If you know you're a good guy, do you know
Speaker 1 00:21:38 How to
Speaker 0 00:21:38 Access these wicked or dangerous or primal parts of yourself? Can you be safe when needed, dangerous when needed, and find a balance within yourself as opposed to one or the other, which is rarely, if not ever a good choice. She
Speaker 1 00:21:58 Continues. In my previous relationships minus the abusive one, dominance was never an issue. I felt alive and the sex was incredible. Like my fire and intensity never put the other partners fire out. If anything, they kept mine at a nice temperature. They helped see my flaws and it kept me in check. If I didn't notice it immediately, I want that part of myself back. I'm a leader, but I don't want to feel like a ruler.
Speaker 0 00:22:26 Notice she uses the expression, keep me in check. This is very hard for a lot of men and even some women to hear that a woman might want her man to keep her in check, to not let her run all over him, to not let her boss him around and doing this, standing up for
Speaker 1 00:22:45 Yourself,
Speaker 0 00:22:45 Being able to say no, putting your foot down, acting and behaving like the man that she wants, loves and adores is almost always going to have a favorable response when done correctly. What can I do to help you?
Speaker 1 00:23:01 I would like you to teach and help my husband become more confident within himself, help him understand me and have a better workflow. Oftentimes, I hear him complain about something going wrong, but from my observations, it just sounds like poor communication and a reactive versus proactive approach, and that is the root of the problem. I want him to leave work
Speaker 0 00:23:23 At work
Speaker 1 00:23:23 And to see me really see me. It hurt my feelings so much when on my last anniversary or birthday, he didn't have a gift for me. It makes me feel secondary. The excuse always a serious situation At work. I wanna stop living as though we are roommates. Sex five to six times in eight is not ideal. I'd like to learn better foreplay with you. Sex has become predictable when and if he initiates, I'd like to help him find solutions instead of excuses. I'd like for you to help him understand that problems in our relationships are not about fault, but how we can be stronger and have less of a victim attitude.
Speaker 0 00:24:08 Mihir, we can take what she shared in a lot of different directions, but something that I think we all need to hear is understanding just how much this woman cares
Speaker 1 00:24:17 And
Speaker 0 00:24:17 Values her relationship and how much she loves her husband. It's not criticism, it's not insulting. It's not saying you're not a man or you're weak like so many young women do today. She's saying, I love my man. I am yearning for this. I am here to support my man. I want help in this department and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get there. And I think that kind of attitude as a woman, if you're involved with someone already and you're in a marriage and you plan on staying together is one of the most beautiful things that you can do for your man coming at it from a place of support and care and knowing that you can get through it together. She waxes
Speaker 1 00:24:59 Eloquently sometimes when he says, we need, I wish he would say, I am, I will. You will. We has become this file folder in our marriage of tasks that never gets done or things that I'm desperately trying to get done, but forget. How can I learn to be more submissive? I'm sure that now eight years in, I'm used to having power or control. Having control makes me feel confident. But when the man is confident in having control, I feel safer and feel comfortable to release it.
Speaker 0 00:25:35 I would strongly encourage everyone listening to rewind the recording either 15 or 30 seconds and listen to all of that three or four more times that was pure gold and needs no commentary.
Speaker 1 00:25:46 I want to feel like tasks will get done. I want to feel safe in being with him, and I want him to understand my fears. For instance, I do suffer from ptsd s d at times in certain situations. I panic sometimes the situations in which I need help. He can often be a little careless or absent minded. Whenever I feel scared or upset, I feel as though I need to filter my emotions in order to not hurt his feelings or upset him. And in a way, doing that feels childish. Once a long time ago, I had an abusive ex who I would often lose my temper with. It felt freeing to want to scream as he did. Like if you want to lose your temper, so can I. Nothing was resolved and it only got worse when I see my husband get upset in an unproductive way. I feel as though I still failed and my intensity level was pretty mild. I think. Wow, that was a level three. Could he handle me at a level eight or nine? I would love for him to learn how to take the lead. Do you know when he asks for directions? Sometimes I'll say, I don't know.
Speaker 0 00:26:51 You choose
Speaker 1 00:26:52 Or whatever you decide, I'm sure will be fine. Are there other methods you can teach me?
Speaker 0 00:26:58 Mihir, and I don't know if you picked up on it, but this is a woman who is trying to lovingly and respectfully and very indirectly teach her husband how to take charge, make decisions on his own, be decisive and basically take the wheel. But this isn't your ordinary kind of school teaching. She doesn't sit you down at a table and say, here's how to do it. This is step A, B, and C. It comes very, very indirectly. When a woman says, whatever you think babe, or whatever you want to do, which is something you should not be saying back to her, usually it's her inviting you to take charge, and it's such a great opportunity to have a win in your relationship.
Speaker 1 00:27:42 I feel as though I'm honest with him. I've told him how assertiveness gets me turned on.
Speaker 0 00:27:48 Let's repeat that one time for her. Assertiveness gets her turned on. Men assertiveness gets your female partner wet. So you've got to find a way to somehow internalize that and get over
Speaker 1 00:28:00 The fact
Speaker 0 00:28:01 That you're not being mean or too aggressive or disrespectful. You being assertive is arousing. Our heroin continues.
Speaker 1 00:28:11 I put on a sexual podcast to spice things up for us one time, and I also told him about the bd s m book I was reading in the Netflix show. I think he's unaware, however, just how much I need an assertive man. This is a deal breaker. If he cannot become more assertive, it's more than a desire, but a need, a mindset. I would be willing to compromise anything else in the marriage that he needed. You don't want to clean as much or cook. Okay, I'll do that for you more BJs, yes, sir. But if my man can't be assertive, I can't see myself being fulfilled in this marriage. I have held off on saying this because of how things have gone in the past. He'll get upset, curse at how much he's failed, cried, or he'll say He sees me as an equal but doesn't want me to treat him as though he's beneath me. I never see it that way, and I do believe that we can still be equal
Speaker 0 00:29:11 Here. Again, it bears repeating that assertiveness makes her willing to do almost anything in the relationship. Listen to that piece again, just your ability to take charge, which is almost general in many different areas of life, not a specific thing that you have to do over and over again. That it excites her so much that on any random occasion, she's happy to give you a bj,
Speaker 1 00:29:35 Well, not you, obviously her husband,
Speaker 0 00:29:37 But isn't knowing that just delicious.
Speaker 1 00:29:42 Has there been any infidelity in your relationship? We have not cheated on each other. How often do you have sex? I think we had sex four weeks ago. I made an advance on a vacation. He took a hint and I dropped another hint while we were on vacation.
Speaker 0 00:29:58 Fellas listening. It doesn't have to always be the case that your wife or girlfriend is constantly dropping hints for you to know when it's okay to
Speaker 1 00:30:07 Have sex
Speaker 0 00:30:08 With her. It tends to work better the other way around when you're pursuing her. Sending little reminders and creating buildup during the day. Just because
Speaker 1 00:30:15 She's not
Speaker 0 00:30:16 Dropping hints does not mean she's not open and receptive or can be open and receptive to having sex with
Speaker 1 00:30:22 You. I would like to have sex three times a week or more if the foreplay was more unpredictable. To be honest, I can't remember the last time I gave him a blowjob. It's been a long time. He said he doesn't need blow
Speaker 0 00:30:38 Jobs,
Speaker 1 00:30:39 So I don't offer them or give them,
Speaker 0 00:30:42 Here's me. And that's another sentence to listen to over and over again. That's pure gold. Men. If you tell your girlfriend something like this, she remembers it and it sticks. In fact, most people do this. We hear, oh, he or she doesn't like this, so I'll never do it again. And in some cases that's a good idea if it's something painful or super unpleasant. But if you sort of mentioned haphazardly, huh? I don't need this, babe, you don't have to do this to me. What she's hearing is it doesn't turn me on, so I'm not going to do it. And so when it comes down to something as intimate as oral sex, you may wanna revisit some conversations with your partner if they aren't doing something that you really enjoy. In fact, I would say to everyone listening, if any part of your sex life is missing or inadequate in some way, or you are not doing something because you think your partner doesn't like it, but you love it, have that conversation again and see if it was just circumstantial or only in certain places and spaces you won't believe the results.
Speaker 1 00:31:43 She says, it feels selfish on my part, which is why I'm reaching out to you. I don't feel desire to do them. He'll return the favor, but I'm fine if he doesn't. Here's the weird part, growing up with my family on one side, we didn't say, I love you. We didn't hug or cry in front of each other. If I did this in front of one of my other family members, they would say to me, I need you to get it together. I was raised primarily by extended family, so receiving affection is harder for me. I want to be better at this, but I don't know how it feels foreign touching my husband. At times we do cuddle, but I feel like now he's been mirroring my emotions. So we aren't as intimate. Often my husband will take on my emotions as his own, and this makes me feel like I need to be more emotionally stable for both of us. Despite my family dynamics, this was never an issue in my previous relationships, I felt confident receiving their affection and giving it.
Speaker 0 00:32:49 Do you have any expectations about sex?
Speaker 1 00:32:52 I don't think I have any. I suppose more confidence
Speaker 0 00:32:55 Or I expect that he'll take control if he desires me. And doesn't that roll off the tongue easily? I want confidence and I expect that if he wants something, he'll take control, said differently. If he desires me, he'll take control. These are the same qualities I hear women request in my private practice, in my personal life and around the world. And you know as men, we don't even know what that is. Oh, if he really wants me, he'll just come get me. If he's really into me, he'll make a move. Well, if she really is into me, she'll just come over here and do something or say something. Women possess this quality as sort of a default method of operating. Men have never experienced anything like this. I don't think it occurs to most women in the sexual domain that, well, if I want something, I'll just go get it. And it's crazy because most women out there, many women have never ever once been rejected by a man sexually or maybe a tiny handful of times. Most men can count countless times in a day that we experience rejection. In any case, she continues.
Speaker 1 00:34:00 I ask him if he still finds me attractive and if I'm doing something wrong, he says that I seem tired, stressed from work, et cetera. I guess I have the expectation that if he does wanna have sex,
Speaker 0 00:34:12 That he'll take into account his needs more before assuming mine, that my mind can easily be changed, seduced,
Speaker 1 00:34:21 Taken dominantly with seduction
Speaker 0 00:34:23 Or persuaded If he's assuming
Speaker 1 00:34:26 If he wants me, I would never
Speaker 0 00:34:29 Truly say no. Hmm, magnificent words. They almost give me chills. Knowing that the woman you love's mind can be changed, that it's not fixed, that she's adaptable, that the whole night isn't ruined. The whole month isn't ruined just because of one incident, a bad moment, a bad day, a rough afternoon, or even a bad phone call. You can make it evaporate with your masculine energy and your presence. And I hope you're seeing here, it's not loud, aggressive, throw her against the wall or be very cocky and demanding under your breath. It's about taking the lead, knowing what you want, keeping her best interest in mind and handling things. So who do you think rejects the other person more? I think it's probably me that rejects him more if we are in bed. I'm not sure he understands why I do this though,
Speaker 1 00:35:23 And I'm not sure how to say it, but I know the pickup routine by
Speaker 0 00:35:28 Heart initiation seems to happen always at the end of the day or when I'm tired and exhausted from a long day, he'll grab my breast, he'll kiss me a lot,
Speaker 1 00:35:37 Go down or offer
Speaker 0 00:35:38 To go down, and sometimes I just get bored.
Speaker 1 00:35:41 I sometimes desire to sleep more. I feel this doesn't make it okay and I'd like to find a better solution. I don't want him to feel rejected when I desperately want him to initiate. In the beginning of our marriage, for the first four years I initiated until recently when my therapist or counselor said to let go of control and to stop initiating. So I have I let go. I stopped initiating. But now
Speaker 0 00:36:08 There's very little sex.
Speaker 0 00:36:11 Mihir. So we were talking about this a little bit earlier too, and I noticed this constantly in session where a woman and man get into a relationship where the woman is initiating most of the time. And therefore the man either remains passive, is passive, or has always been that way. And it's very difficult for him to get out of that rut. He's more than happy for her to do a strip tease. He's more than happy for her to ride him or start things or put her breasts in his face. But when it comes time for him to do it, it's extremely difficult. So anytime that stops on a woman's part, which happens for many reasons in this case, a therapist told her to do it. Women just stop initiating because they want their man to take control. They want to feel that feeling again. Remember, men don't have this sensation. So if you are in a situation like this, you've gotta know your 110% effort. Your trying something new is going to be read as a marginal improvement in her eyes. You've really gotta go for it. We return now to the
Speaker 1 00:37:10 Story. I know how to turn him on,
Speaker 0 00:37:12 Caress him, bite his ear,
Speaker 1 00:37:14 Wear lingerie while cleaning the
Speaker 0 00:37:15 House, give blowjobs,
Speaker 1 00:37:17 Have spontaneous sex, make lots of noises, touch him.
Speaker 0 00:37:20 But
Speaker 1 00:37:21 Does he know how to take the lead? I'm not sure he knows how to. I've given him clues, mentioned it been more blunt, made sexual comments about what turns me on, offered compliments, but he hasn't implemented it. I think if you asked him, do you know what turns your wife on? He would say being more assertive. But if you were to ask him what being assertive means and to expand on that, he may have a harder time answering. I feel his answers would be more general and broad.
Speaker 0 00:37:51 Mihir. Ladies, it would be a wonderful idea to ask your man what his definition of assertiveness, dominance, and confidence are. And then ask him how. How do these words relate to us in the bedroom? And I bet that his definition does not line up with yours or what you think it should be. What should you do? Ladies? Share your version. Don't use silly language like I can't explain it and I just don't know. And do you know what I mean? And it's hard for me to think of, and I can't say it unless I'm in the situation. Think for a moment and try to give him what your version is so he can do something with it. Then what you do is you ask him to tell you what you just said, feed it back to you, give you examples of what you might like, what you might want, and see how it compares. Keep ironing out this communication until you're on the same page so he knows what to do next. And so he's better equipped the next time he
Speaker 1 00:38:47 Plays with you.
Speaker 0 00:38:50 She says,
Speaker 1 00:38:51 When he goes down on me, he is better with direction. And
Speaker 0 00:38:54 That in turn makes it easy for me to focus and
Speaker 1 00:38:56 Even relax.
Speaker 0 00:38:59 What are some areas where you'd like your partner to be more of something
Speaker 1 00:39:04 Dominant, aggressive, assertive, forward, present, decisive, directional. Take the lead masculine, be firmer in their touch. Be patient understanding. Be a little more rough or intense or manly. Throw me around, notice me more. Give me more attention. Take it past cuddles and kisses. Be affectionate outside of sex, less afraid of me. Explore other fetishes together.
Speaker 0 00:39:29 Mihir. And all of these answers are extremely common for my female clients to say. And maybe as you're listening to some of these answers, you are forming an opinion of what you think her husband must be like or how he must be. And I really wanna caution you there because as someone who's really gotten to know this gentleman over time, I know what an extraordinary man he is and how capable he is, how smart he is, how caring and loving and kind and generous he is. We're talking about someone who does his absolute best to make his partner happy and to love her in the best way he can. He just wants to be great for her and but the truth is, so much of this stuff as it pertains to seduction and female nature, we just have never learned, there's never been resources for it.
Speaker 0 00:40:16 And there's all sorts of mixed content still if you do searches for it on the internet. A lot of times when we learn about stuff like this, it's either taboo, it seems forbidden, or the way men go about it tends to be, from what I've seen over the last almost decade, a little too aggressive or a little too assertive. And that's not attractive to women either. Honestly, I can't think of a better way to understand real sexuality, chemistry and sexual tension than to see it done right before your eyes and have it explained to you as well. Do you have any other experiences that you'd like to share today?
Speaker 1 00:40:51 I feel like I've had one of my prime sexual experiences with one of my exes. He was very protective of me. In fact, I remember once when I was 18, we had broken up, but we had still remained friends and occasionally slept together.
Speaker 0 00:41:05 I was working late in town and I would need rides home because the bus would stop
Speaker 1 00:41:08 Running every night. He would pick me up one night. My roommate had a party and their friends got drunk and broke our door. My roommate and I didn't want any part of this party and had nowhere to go. So we propped the door back up and went to sleep. The next morning we realized we were robbed. The friends stole our phone, laptop, mace, everything. My ex was supposed to pick me up that night, so I borrowed someone's phone and texted him. I said I was okay, that I was robbed and that we wouldn't need a ride home. When I got a new phone, I texted him. He immediately called me and asked what the hell happened. I told him and he was pissed. Not about the robbers but at me that my roommates and I were stupid for sleeping in our apartment with men, men that we didn't know how he could have been raped.
Speaker 1 00:41:59 Additionally, how I should have called him that I'm in college to be smart, but what I did was stupid. He lectured me for at least 20 minutes. I felt embarrassed. I didn't even realize the magnitude of it all until he said something and he wasn't afraid to say it. Even if in that moment it hurt my feelings. When he picked me up from work one night, a car almost hit me instantly. He grabbed me out of the street. They weren't paying attention. I didn't see them either. He was pissed and threw his cookie at the car. I knew he wanted to do more, but he refrained. I felt safe with this man. He also made it very clear to me when he wanted me. Once I had a friend over and we were hanging out. When she left the room momentarily, he came up behind me when I was cooking at the stove and said, if your friend wasn't here, girl, I would take you right here.
Speaker 1 00:42:51 Then he walked away. When she came back out, it was as though nothing had happened. I was so turned on. I knew he was serious. He had so much confidence that I melted. When she left, we had sex and he initiated it. If I gave him attitude, he would let me know in such a blunt, reinforcing way. For example, I needed my oil changed on my car and he brought his supplies to help. I said something to him with an attitude while looking at my phone. He grabbed my phone, threw it away from me, and I screamed at him. He didn't throw it hard enough to break, but it got my attention. He said something along the lines of, if you ever talk to me like that when I'm trying to help you next time, I'll throw your phone in the oil. Don't ever talk to me like that.
Speaker 1 00:43:35 It caught me off guard. I realized I did have an attitude and immediately apologized. After I apologized. He was fine. He wasn't quick tempered but stern. I loved how much power he had. Never once did I feel threatened or scared of him. I knew he would never hit me in a non-consensual way. It's like he knew my every move. It kept me on my toes. Now that I look back at it, it reminds me of a very vanilla version of bdsm. I loved when he would call me out on something almost as though it had some type of punishment to go along with it. It's like he knew when I was trying to test him or try to control a situation, he was always one step ahead. I felt safe, desired being with him, and I loved all of this. We worked together and I knew that if I ever had to call security, he would respond even if he wasn't in my
Speaker 0 00:44:30 Staffed area. I desperately want this dynamic with my current partner. It's what I dream of and the idea of doing it with my husband makes me wanna climax. There's a lot here to unpack probably five different events rolled up into one. I know that without a doubt, for some women, hearing this, experiencing your man or partner treat you in that way might be a big turnoff or too aggressive or may feel like mansplaining or lecturing or that you can take care of yourself. And while that may be true, as I've learned more and more about women over the years, I do find that so many women either get turned on by excited by or feel safe by a man who either can show her that he has the capacity to be outrageous or violent or aggressive or do damage. But the key here is that he restrains himself, showing her that he's a man who wants her, who wants to ravish her, but he holds back just a little bit. And another statement she says that really stands out to me is when he put her in her place or when he put her in check, what would it do? Would she get angry, pissed, disrespectful, not sleep with him? No, it would actually turn her on. And for everyone listening, I understand that maybe not everyone works this way. You should have conversations like this with your partner. No matter what phase of the relationship you're in, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by what you learn.
Speaker 0 00:45:58 She says, one of my fears is that he won't be able to fulfill these needs, that it will only be temporary. Or I fear that he thinks being dominant is some sort of sexual kink instead of a lifestyle or simply a way of being. And that is absolutely true. These are more conversations that should be had with your partner for those listening, for some being dominant is a sexual kink. They only wanna be treated this way in the bedroom and then outside the bedroom want the utmost respect and care and equality and everything else. Others want to experience the assertive and dominance through all aspects of their relationship so she can relax, not think, not have to make decisions, can chill out, can come home and feel safe and unwind and desired. It's hard for me to take him seriously if he's asking me for help with things or for directions or if he's unaware of things such as household needs or paying bills or taking action if our accounts are overdrawn because he didn't check before he swiped or even yelling at our dog because he ignores him, but often listens to me.
Speaker 0 00:47:06 Mihir, and this is something that's extremely critical, if you're in a relationship and living with someone and it's about not asking your female partner what you should do, what she wants you to do, what needs to be done, how you can help, but sort of having this understanding that you own this house together, you bought it together or you live in it together. You are of a certain age and you know how to play house and how to keep things up. When you ask your girlfriend or wife what you should be doing, what you can do to help, but you have the resources to figure it out yourself, you might as well just have her do all the work herself because she then has to create a game plan for you and keep track of it. Every time you can take something off of her plate, you're getting her more sexually excited.
Speaker 0 00:47:50 Maybe not in that exact moment, but it's helping. So the more responsibility you can take on yourself as a man, of course I'm sure you've heard this before, the better. That doesn't mean that you do everything around the house or if she's keeping house and you are working full-time or even if you're both working. It doesn't mean that you're also doing all of the chores and laundry and everything around the house. It just means that for the areas that you are contributing, you know what your part is and you're there to pick up the slack. She continues.
Speaker 1 00:48:26 I feel like I can easily manipulate his emotions and push him over the edge if I wanted to, but I haven't. For example, when he curses, I know he is frustrated and can easily be pushed.
Speaker 0 00:48:39 I'll add here. This is a little bit like demonstrating weakness to a woman, and I don't mean vulnerability, but when you get angry like that and swear a lot, she knows she can have more power over you cuz you're easily pushed around when you're able to maintain calm in a situation and be a little less reactive or non-reactive, not careless, not stonewall, but just not reactive. It makes a big impact. She says
Speaker 1 00:49:05 When he does this, it reminds me of how my ex, the verbally abusive one will lose his temper and would be irrational. This ex, in comparison seemed yet always in control. He never shouted because he never needed a shout. His tone said everything. I don't like the feeling of having that much power over a man the way a family member of mine did. My mom's ex went along with anything she said, and there were deleterious consequences as a result of this.
Speaker 0 00:49:37 Mihir was something else that bear is repeating, but I'll say it a different way. When you go along with whatever your woman says and give her everything she wants and do whatever she says, there are deleterious consequences, not favorable ones. And it's not so much about not giving someone everything they want or purposely holding back because they do or don't deserve it. It's just that we all have whims. Our emotions go up and down emotionally. We want different things each day. And this is especially true for women. So to constantly live for or try to just do whatever your female partner wants you to do, it risks you getting in a lot of trouble. Maybe financially, maybe emotionally, maybe sexually. I love doing things for a female partner that I know she loves and that I know she likes, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to say yes to every single request that she has.
Speaker 1 00:50:30 She says, sometimes my work will keep
Speaker 0 00:50:32 Me out late in the
Speaker 1 00:50:33 Night. I feel as though my partner doesn't stay up to check on me or would already be asleep. He doesn't seem to care what I wear. And it's not that I've dressed in a way that suggested I was single out of respect. But there is a sexiness in your husband saying something like, you're not wearing that outfit while I'm gone. I once went shopping with my brother and my husband. My brother had never been to this town. While I was shopping, someone started hitting on me and before I could even say anything, my brother came over and spoke to him. I'm her brother and her husband's over there. He was laughing but serious. My husband didn't say anything. He normally never says anything. Not that I want him beating up anyone or anything like that, but I want him to proclaim that I'm his. A few other occurrences have occurred when we were traveling and it felt as though he was oblivious to danger. To his credit, he felt totally safe and in control of the situation, but for me, it felt questionable. I wanna feel
Speaker 0 00:51:31 As safe
Speaker 1 00:51:31 As I do with my dad and brother.
Speaker 0 00:51:35 I'll add here that nobody wants to
Speaker 1 00:51:36 Feel controlled. <laugh>. Simply use
Speaker 0 00:51:39 The expression, oh, he was a controlling man around a woman and she instantly gets repulsed. No one wants to be controlled. Do this, don't do that. But there's something too. Corring, your woman laying claim to her. Yes, I said it. Laying claim to her, your mine. I will protect you. You're with me. It's not about ownership, it's not about possessiveness. It's about keeping her in a certain arena for her own safety and protection. And even saying this, I want to emphasize, I know this isn't for every woman, and I also know that yes, there are many independent women who can look out for themselves and do their own thing, but so many women crave this aspect from their man that I've got you. I'll handle this. You mine. You are safe with me. Oh, you stepped outta bounds. Don't do that. And there's an excitement, an arousal and a turn on. Yes. Even wetness is a byproduct of behaving like this and interacting like this with your woman. So big ideas. I know really,
Speaker 1 00:52:44 Really big ideas, but
Speaker 0 00:52:45 These are all conversations that you must be having with your partner. These are things that you're allowed to talk about, you should talk about with your partner. Find them out. I think it will even get her excited knowing that you're willing to have these kinds of conversations with her. Now, sometimes women will say things that they think they should say, but they don't necessarily believe. And so ladies, if you're a woman like that or you're kind of going with the crowd kind of girl, or you're a people pleaser or you don't wanna disappoint anyone, or you say what you think is the most politically correct option, or you say what you think your girlfriends will say or copy what your girlfriends say, I strongly recommend starting to think for yourself and think long and hard about what kind of man you want deep down, and then
Speaker 1 00:53:29 Share that with your partner.
Speaker 0 00:53:33 Are there any kinds of kinks or sexual interests
Speaker 1 00:53:36 That you have or enjoy?
Speaker 0 00:53:38 Yes.
Speaker 1 00:53:39 Being tied up, being told what to do, being extremely submissive, having a little sub and dom fun, being treated a little mean sexually, being punished, having sex withheld from me on purpose. Slapping hair, pulling rough sex, gentle sex, anal sex, regular sex, soft caresses, love making nipple bites, nipple play. Dildos. Vibrators.
Speaker 0 00:54:02 Do you reach orgasm regularly even if it's not at the same time?
Speaker 1 00:54:06 Yes, but it's often not through intercourse.
Speaker 0 00:54:09 Can you have or do you prefer multiple orgasms?
Speaker 1 00:54:13 Yes, but I don't have them through penetration.
Speaker 0 00:54:16 All right. Is there anything else that you'd like to share today?
Speaker 1 00:54:19 At the end of the day, I'd love to learn more ways to be feminine. Can you help me find out if I've got masculine energy? Do I come across as unattractive or off-putting to people
Speaker 0 00:54:30 Or is the way that I've become somehow unattractive to my husband? And I'll jump in for a moment here, ladies, if you're taking on more of a masculine role, if you're stepping into that masculinity because you have to or need to or it gets the job done, yes, that's probably going to be a little less attractive to yourself and also to your husband or your partner, even if it's a necessity. And so you just have to weigh in the consequences. It's really a give and take. Interestingly, I think the person giving this interview is extremely feminine, very, very feminine. There's no mistake when you look at her and interact with her, but always in our personal lives, there's a little bit of tweaking that we all can do.
Speaker 1 00:55:12 She says, how about the way I talk or hang out with my guy friends? Am I presenting a side of myself that can be more like one of the guys when I'm with my husband and friends? Can I be a little too dominant with men I interact with on an everyday basis but not realize it?
Speaker 0 00:55:27 I think that's an excellent question for women to ask themselves. Who want their man to take the lead more who want to be more feminine, who want to be submissive, who want to experience the polarity of a male female based relationship, or who are wondering where all the good men are or who are wondering why they can't meet any great guys. Really coming to terms with what kind of masculine energy you may be putting out to the world through your Vahe independence, through your
Speaker 1 00:55:56 Decisiveness
Speaker 0 00:55:57 And dominance in the world, or through being one of the guys. It's not that it's a bad thing, it's just
Speaker 1 00:56:03 That there are
Speaker 0 00:56:04 Consequences and give and take to everything.
Speaker 1 00:56:09 She pun she ponders by associating with men more. Am I compromising my feminine energy? Do I have any negative opinions on feminine energy?
Speaker 0 00:56:20 And that's a great question. Do you personally think that it's weak, subordinate under or beneath someone to be feminine? Do you have associations in your mind that being feminine contributes to such phrases as toxic masculinity? Because there are two sides to every coin. There's always a better way to look at something that will make you feel. I strongly recommend if you find yourself with some limiting beliefs, consider reevaluating them or really ask yourself how rooted in reality
Speaker 1 00:56:48 They are.
Speaker 0 00:56:51 Lastly, she says,
Speaker 1 00:56:53 I'd love to learn how to be more vulnerable
Speaker 0 00:56:57 And what beautiful closing words to end this interview with Vulnerability is huge, and there's ways that we can access it as both men and women that are very attractive. Vulnerability does not have to mean weakness. It doesn't make you less of a person. Most women find vulnerability very sexy and attractive. Vulnerability doesn't mean crying and breaking down every day, but expressing what's really going on for you or your tenderness is very attractive when mixed with confident and assertive energy as well. I promise you, friends, I know after listening to some things like this, you may think, oh my God, I have to be dominant all the time, or in this frame of mind. No, there's a beautiful tenderness to vulnerability and it's a balance. So I really want to thank both this husband and wife who so generously allowed us to share this interview today.
Speaker 0 00:57:50 You know, you both are very near and dear to my heart. I'm so blown away by the work we've done together so far, how much you both have grown and what we've accomplished thus far. You know, I could just feel recording this, what an impact it's going to have on people and people listening and how many people are going to relate. So listeners, I hope you got a lot out of this. Feel free to leave some positive feedback or comments on YouTube if you'd like. And now here we are at nearly 60 minutes, a little over 58 minutes. I'm gonna leave you the unadulterated, unedited version of this interview without the director's cut commentary and I'd strongly recommend you listen to it again. It's just another 20 minutes or so. I found it extremely insightful. Please enjoy. Hello. Where would you say your sex drive is right about now?
Speaker 1 00:58:40 It's a five, but it used to be higher. How does that compare to your partners? I don't know what his is. I think he's got a lower sex drive. It seems like we only have sex whenever I initiate. How long have you been together? About seven or eight
Speaker 0 00:58:57 Years. What's actually working in your relationship right now?
Speaker 1 00:59:02 He's my best friend. I trust him. He doesn't judge me. I can be myself around him. He's kind. We can be goofy together and we've got similar backgrounds on some occasions. I do wish that my husband would be more dominant and assertive and it takes me by surprise in the best way possible. I fantasize about this, but when I wake up, sometimes those feelings are gone as though there's a veil between my dreams and reality. In my earlier twenties, I could dream and the intimacy would transfer to reality. My sex drive then was pretty close to a nine or 10. What about how well you communicate together? Our communication is lacking. I feel as though I communicate too much or overcommunicate. I fear that I'm nagging and oversharing, overanalyzing, nonverbal communication because I feel that in the time that we've been together, I feel like my partner communicates very little.
Speaker 1 00:59:53 It feels as though nothing troubles him unless it's work related. He doesn't call to say when he is maybe coming home what he wants for dinner, when he wants dinner, and what bothers him about bad habits that I may have or if I'm rude. When we do communicate, he seems to take things very sensitively. Sometimes he'll tell me how messed up he is or how screwed up he is, or take full accountability and say that it's all his fault. Sometimes it seems as though he's a victim or that we're not teammates and I'm the perpetrator, but then overly apologizing or feeling sorry all the time is completely deflating and a total turnoff for a woman as well. I regret even sharing it because it seems too emotional and unattractive. His self-esteem towards himself can seem low in how he perceives situations. I do my best to filter what I can or deliver it in the best possible way, yet it still feels like he was hurt in the process.
Speaker 1 01:00:48 This in turn, would then make me regret sharing it because our conversations would seem to spiral into an emotional conversation and that would be a total turnoff. Would you tell me a little bit about what you're struggling with? I feel like I've lost my sexual drive. I feel like I've lost myself. I don't get turned on anymore by anything. Occasionally a BDSM story or a podcast will really get me going. I found myself checking for a new update every few days. I'm really not a fan of porn, but sometimes I'd check for a specific scene that might excite me and 365 days on Netflix. Yeah, I've watched that six times. I've told my partner how much the show turns me on, but afterwards I felt embarrassed mentioning it. He's yet to watch it, so I privately read chapters from books that I've found. I wanna feel that part of myself that I've lost.
Speaker 1 01:01:39 I feel almost misled into this relationship. While we were dating, I told him that I needed a dominant, more assertive partner. He said he was and that it would not be a problem. I told him that I've got a tendency of walking all over passive men without meaning to taking charge of the relationship and that I end up disliking myself and eventually them. But he assured me that he was assertive. I feel as though he was misleading years into the relationship. He said he was told by previous partners that he was also a little too passive. I know that I need a dominant, strong, confident, assertive man to make me feel safe financially, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I wanna be desired. I want to have the foundation in place for a strong household for children. I want to feel secure that he can handle my emotions such as my temper, and I don't want him to be blown out by my fire anxiety or slight P T S D.
Speaker 1 01:02:42 In all of these examples, I have instances where these needs have not been met and I feel it's translated into a lower libido. I'm tired of how much control I have, how much I manage. I feel as though I fell into this role as though the moment I get off from work, I clock right back in again as a joke. He would say, yes, ma'am, to some of my requests. I hated that so many things consume my thoughts. Our pets, do they need more food? Our children, when and where to pick them up. If I pick up food for us, will they even notice? Am I paying the bills, the taxes, the mortgage, the interest? What about our 401k research that we desperately need to do? Should we put our house on the market? Is it a good time or should we rent it out?
Speaker 1 01:03:29 HOA payments, budgeting. When we lived out of state, our accounts were overdrawn so much that we lived off of cheap food and rice for two weeks. Financially. This was a shock for me. I've been living without my parents since I turned 17. I was taught how to budget and so to be married and in this situation it felt like a step back. I feel like I'm drowning and yet my partner is comfortable. I feel like if I lied from the beginning and hid this from him that I'm unhappy in the marriage, he would've been oblivious to it. I also feel that by sharing my concerns and desires, that it did not help our situation either. He wants me to remind him of things, make lists of things that need to get done and post them for him. Cue him on what he should and shouldn't do.
Speaker 1 01:04:17 He says I'm not nagging and that he doesn't mind, but I mind it. Even that is stressful in itself because if I forget one item, will it ever get done? In some cases it feels like it won't. Why must I keep track of so much? Things like this were never discussed before our marriage, how did we never talk about our assumed roles? A counselor of mine theorizes that from my previous relationship, which was verbally abusive and bordering on becoming physical, that as a defense mechanism. I went on the polar opposite spectrum to find a man who had never abused me, but in doing so, I found someone who was also consequently more passive In my previous relationships, minus the abusive one, dominance was never an issue. I felt alive and the sex was incredible. Like my fire and intensity never put the other partner's fire out. If anything, they kept mine at a nice temperature. They helped see my flaws and it kept me in check. If I didn't notice it immediately, I want that part of myself back. I am a leader, but I don't want to feel like a ruler.
Speaker 1 01:05:29 How can I help you? I would like you to teach and help my husband become more confident within himself, help him understand me and have a better workflow. Oftentimes, I hear him complain about something going wrong, but from my observations it just sounds like poor communication and a reactive versus proactive approach and that is the root of the problem. I want him to leave work at work and to see me really see me. It hurt my feelings so much when on my last anniversary or birthday, he didn't have a gift for me. It makes me feel secondary. The excuse always a serious situation At work, I wanna stop living as though we are roommates. Sex five to six times in eight months is not ideal. I'd like to learn better foreplay with you. Sex has become predictable when and if he initiates, I'd like to help him find solutions instead of excuses.
Speaker 1 01:06:27 I'd like for you to help him understand that problems in our relationships are not about fault, but how we can be stronger and have less of a victim attitude. Sometimes when he says, we need, I wish he would say, I am, I will. You will. We has become this file folder in our marriage of tasks that never gets done or things that I'm desperately trying to get done but forget. How can I learn to be more submissive? I'm sure that now eight years in I'm used to having power or control. Having control makes me feel confident, but when the man is confident in having control, I feel safer and feel comfortable to release it. I want to feel like tasks will get done. I want to feel safe in being with him and I want him to understand my fears. For instance, I do suffer from PTs D at times in certain situations I panic sometimes the situations in which I need help, he can often be a little careless or absent minded.
Speaker 1 01:07:34 Whenever I feel scared or upset, I feel as though I need to filter my emotions in order to not hurt his feelings or upset him and in a way doing that feels childish. Once a long time ago I had an abusive ex who I would often lose my temper with. It felt freeing to want to scream as he did. Like if you want to lose your temper, so can I. Nothing was resolved and it only got worse. When I see my husband get upset in an unproductive way, I feel as though I still failed and my intensity level was pretty mild. I think, wow, that was a level three. Could he handle me at a level eight or nine? I would love for him to learn how to take the lead. Do you know when he asks for directions? Sometimes I'll say, I don't know.
Speaker 1 01:08:18 You choose or whatever you decide, I'm sure will be fine. Are there other methods you can teach me? I feel as though I'm honest with him. I've told him how assertiveness gets me turned on and that I've lost my sexual desire. I put on a sexual podcast to spice things up for us one time, and I also told him about the BDSM book I was reading in the Netflix show. I think he is unaware, however, just how much I need an assertive man. This is a deal breaker. If he cannot become more assertive, it's more than a desire, but a need, a mindset. I would be willing to compromise anything else in the marriage that he needed. You don't want to clean as much or cook. Okay, I'll do that for you more BJs. Yes, sir, but if my man can't be assertive, I can't see myself being fulfilled in this marriage.
Speaker 1 01:09:14 I have held off on saying this because of how things have gone in the past. He'll get upset, curse at how much he's failed, cried, or he'll say He sees me as an equal but doesn't want me to treat him as though he's beneath me. I never see it that way and I do believe that we can still be equal. Has there been any infidelity in your relationship? We have not cheated on each other. How often do you have sex? I think we had sex four weeks ago. I made an advance on a vacation. He took a hint and I dropped another hint while we were on vacation. I would like to have sex three times a week or more if the foreplay was more unpredictable. To be honest, I can't remember the last time I gave him a blowjob. It's been a long time.
Speaker 1 01:10:00 He said he doesn't need blow jobs, so I don't offer them or give them. It feels selfish on my part, which is why I'm reaching out to you. I don't feel desire to do them. He'll return the favor, but I'm fine if he doesn't. Here's the weird part, growing up with my family on one side we didn't say, I love you. We didn't hug or cry in front of each other. If I did this in front of one of my other family members, they would say to me, I need you to get it together. I was raised primarily by extended family, so receiving affection is harder for me. I want to be better at this, but I don't know how it feels foreign touching my husband. At times we do cuddle, but I feel like now he's been mirroring my emotions so we aren't as intimate.
Speaker 1 01:10:50 Often my husband will take on my emotions as his own and this makes me feel like I need to be more emotionally stable for both of us. Despite my family dynamics, this was never an issue in my previous relationships. I felt confident receiving their affection and giving it. Do you have any expectations about sex? I don't think I have any. I suppose more confidence or I expect that he'll take control if he desires me. I ask him if he still finds me attractive and if I'm doing something wrong. He says that I seem tired, stressed from work, et cetera. I guess I have the expectation that if he does wanna have sex that he'll take into account his needs more before assuming mine, that my mind can easily be changed, seduced, taken dominantly with seduction or persuaded if he's assuming if he wants me, I would never truly say no.
Speaker 1 01:11:50 Who rejects who more in your relationship? I think it's probably me that rejects him more if we are in bed. I'm not sure he understands why I do this though, and I'm not sure how to say it, but I know the pickup routine by heart initiation seems to happen always at the end of the day or when I'm tired and exhausted from a long day, he'll grab my breast, he'll kiss me a lot, go down or offer to go down and sometimes I just get bored. I sometimes desire to sleep more. I feel this doesn't make it okay and I'd like to find a better solution. I don't want him to feel rejected when I desperately want him to initiate. In the beginning of our marriage, for the first four years I initiated until recently when my therapist or counselor said to let go of control and to stop initiating so I have I let go. I stopped initiating, but now there's very little sex. I know how to turn him on, caress him by his ear, wear lingerie while cleaning the house, give, have spontaneous sex, make lots of noises, touch him.
Speaker 1 01:13:01 Does your man know how to take the lead? I'm not sure he knows how to. I've given him clues mentioned it been more blunt, made sexual comments about what turns me on, offered compliments, but he hasn't implemented it. I think if you asked him, do you know what turns your wife on? He would say being more assertive, but if you were to ask him what being assertive means and to expand on that, he may have a harder time answering. I feel his answers would be more general and broad. When he goes down on me, he is better with direction and that in turn makes it easy for me to focus and even relax. Tell me some areas where you'd like your partner to be more of something dominant, aggressive, assertive, forward, present, decisive, directional. Take the lead masculine, be firmer in their touch. Be patient understanding, be a little more rough or intense or manly.
Speaker 1 01:13:59 Throw me around, notice me more. Give me more attention. Take it past cuddles and kisses. Be affectionate outside of sex, less afraid of me. Explore other fetishes together. Do you have any other experiences that you'd like to share? I feel like I've had one of my prime sexual experiences with one of my exes. He was very protective of me. In fact, I remember once when I was 18 we had broken up, but we had still remained friends and occasionally slept together. I was working late in town and I would need rides home because the bus would stop running every night. He would pick me up one night my roommate had a party and their friends got drunk and broke our door. My roommate and I didn't want any part of this party and had nowhere to go, so we propped the door back up and went to sleep.
Speaker 1 01:14:47 The next morning we realized we were robbed. The friends stole our phone, laptop, mace, everything. My ex was supposed to pick me up that night, so I borrowed someone's phone and texted him. I said I was okay, that I was robbed and that we wouldn't need a ride home. When I got a new phone, I texted him. He immediately called me and asked what the hell happened. I told him and he was pissed. Not about the robbers but at me that my roommates and I were stupid for sleeping in our apartment with men, men that we didn't know how he could have been raped. Additionally, how I should have called him that I'm in college to be smart, but what I did was stupid. He lectured me for at least 20 minutes. I felt embarrassed. I didn't even realize the magnitude of it all until he said something and he wasn't afraid to say it.
Speaker 1 01:15:38 Even if in that moment it hurt my feelings. When he picked me up from work one night, a car almost hit me instantly. He grabbed me out of the street. They weren't paying attention. I didn't see them either. He was pissed and threw his cookie at the car. I knew he wanted to do more, but he refrained. I felt safe with this man. He also made it very clear to me when he wanted me. Once I had a friend over and we were hanging out. When she left the room momentarily, he came up behind me when I was cooking at the stove and said, if your friend wasn't here, girl, I would take you right here. Then he walked away. When she came back out, it was as though nothing had happened. I was so turned on. I knew he was serious. He had so much confidence that I melted.
Speaker 1 01:16:26 When she left, we had sex and he initiated it. If I gave him attitude, he would let me know in such a blunt reinforcing way. For example, I needed my oil changed on my car and he brought his supplies to help. I said something to him with an attitude while looking at my phone. He grabbed my phone, threw it away from me, and I screamed at him. He didn't throw it hard enough to break, but it got my attention. He said something along the lines of, if you ever talk to me like that when I'm trying to help you next time I'll throw your phone in the oil. Don't ever talk to me like that. It caught me off guard. I realized I did have an attitude and immediately apologized. After I apologized. He was fine. He wasn't quick tempered but stern. I loved how much power he had.
Speaker 1 01:17:13 Never once did I feel threatened or scared of him. I knew he would never hit me in a non-consensual way. It's like he knew my every move. It kept me on my toes. Now that I look back at it, it reminds me of a very vanilla version of bdsm. I loved when he would call me out on something almost as though it had some type of punishment to go along with it. It's like he knew when I was trying to test him or try to control a situation. He was always one step ahead. I felt safe desired being with him and I loved all of this. We worked together and I knew that if I ever had to call security, he would respond even if he wasn't in my staffed area. I desperately want this dynamic with my current partner. It's what I dream of and the idea of doing all this with my husband makes me wanna climax.
Speaker 1 01:18:05 One of my fears is that he won't be able to fulfill these needs, that it will only be temporary or I fear that he thinks being dominant is some sort of sexual kink instead of a lifestyle or simply a way of being. It's hard for me to take him seriously if he's asking me for help with things or for directions or if he's unaware of things such as household needs or paying bills or taking action. If our accounts are overdrawn because he didn't check before swiped or even yelling at our dog because he ignores him but often listens to me. I feel like I can easily manipulate his emotions and push him over the edge if I wanted to, but I haven't. For example, when he curses, I know he's frustrated and can easily be pushed. When he does this, it reminds me of how my ex, the verbally abusive one would lose his temper and would be irrational.
Speaker 1 01:18:58 This ex, in comparison seemed yet always in control. He never shouted because he never needed a shout. His tone said everything. I don't like the feeling of having that much power over a man the way a family member of mine did. My mom's ex went along with anything she said and there were deleterious consequences. As a result of this, sometimes my work will keep me out late in the night. I feel as though my partner doesn't stay up to check on me or would already be asleep. He doesn't seem to care what I wear, and it's not that I've dressed in a way that suggested I was single out of respect, but there is a sexiness in your husband saying something like, you're not wearing that outfit while I'm gone. I once went shopping with my brother and my husband. My brother had never been to this town.
Speaker 1 01:19:48 While I was shopping, someone started hitting on me and before I could even say anything, my brother came over and spoke to him. I'm her brother and her husband's over there. He was laughing but serious. My husband didn't say anything. He normally never says anything. Not that I want him beating up anyone or anything like that, but I want him to proclaim that I'm his. A few other occurrences have occurred when we were traveling and it felt as though he was oblivious to danger. To his credit, he felt totally safe and in control of the situation, but for me it felt questionable. I wanna feel as safe as I do with my dad and brother. What about other kinds of kink or sexual interests that you enjoy? Yes. Being tied up, being told what to do, being extremely submissive, having a little sub and dom fun, being treated a little mean sexually, being punished, having sex withheld from me on purpose. Slapping hair, pulling rough sex, gentle sex, anal sex, regular sex, soft caresses, love making nipple bites, nipple play, dildos. Vibrators.
Speaker 0 01:20:57 Do you reach orgasm regularly, even if not at the same time as
Speaker 1 01:21:00 Your partner? Yes, but it's often not through intercourse.
Speaker 0 01:21:04 Do you have or prefer
Speaker 1 01:21:06 Multiple orgasms? Yes, but I don't have them through penetration.
Speaker 0 01:21:11 Finally, is there anything else that you'd like to share today?
Speaker 1 01:21:14 At the end of the day, I'd love to learn more ways to be feminine. Can you help me find out if I've got masculine energy? Do I come across as unattractive or off-putting to people or is the way that I've become somehow unattractive to my husband? How about the way I talk or hang out with my guy friends? Am I presenting a side of myself that can be more like one of the guys when I'm with my husband and friends? Can I be a little too dominant with men I interact with on an everyday basis but not realize it by associating with men more? Am I compromising my feminine energy? Do I have any negative opinions on feminine energy? Finally, I'd love to learn how to be more vulnerable. Thank you for listening. We hope you've enjoyed this interview immensely. You can listen to the Closeness podcast Everywhere podcast can be found or by visiting youtube.com/closeness.
Speaker 0 01:22:09 In addition to all of that, you can tune in on the crave closeness.com website. You'll also find our intake form there, which is completely optional to get started with private sessions, and you'll learn more about my coaching process. We do absolutely incredible work together, whether it's in person or online, and whether you come in at first with or
Speaker 1 01:22:27 Without your partner,
Speaker 0 01:22:29 I hope I have the opportunity to meet you one day.
Speaker 1 01:22:32 Thank you and have a great day.
