Speaker 0 00:00:00 Welcome to the closeness podcast, your new sexual education. We take complex issues. We take complex issues that deal with sex, intimacy, relationships, and love, and break them down into concepts and ideas that you can actually do something with and apply as early as tonight. My name is Tari. I'm your host. And today we're going to be answering the question whether or not you can have it all in relationships. Can you have it all love perfect communication. The absence of fights, quarrels arguments and lovers, spats, family loyalty, partnership, parenthood, and great passionate, regular sex, or is it inevitable that we sacrifice one for the other? And if so, is that okay? I've got a lot of thoughts on the subject for this podcast, though. I'm going to leave children out of the equation, whether you have them or not want them or not. And whether what kind of children they have become determined, whether you have it all or not, you can be the best, most present, most available parents on the planet, giving everything you've got.
Speaker 0 00:01:01 And still we know of children who have made some pretty horrific choices for themselves, or you can be completely unavailable. Your children may have had to fend for themselves, or may have been raised in the most adverse circumstances and they might've become someone great. And that may have been due to complete lack of positive parenting and someone having to figure it all out on their own. That may not have been a reflection of a family unit who had it all. In fact, many times the people who are the most successful have come from the most undesirable circumstances. So while I do believe that for many people, having children plays into whether or not you have it all, I do want to focus on the relationship itself between two people. The second concept I want to go over before defining whether or not you can have it all is the mood you are in right now.
Speaker 0 00:01:48 And if you've listened to me before, you know, I'm very reluctant to use the phrase. It depends, but what you're going to think and how you're going to feel about this podcast right now, depends on the kind of energy you've got going on your mood, your vibe. And I'd be willing to bet that if you listen to this episode during a time that you're with your partner and together, and you just had a beach day and had great sex and everything feels wonderful. Absolutely. It's possible to have it all. Look at me. I've got it. All right. Now, on the other hand, if you are right now in despair or you're sad and you're hurting, maybe there is some miscommunication with your partner that has you feeling down and you feel like here you are visiting this again, or this subject is coming up or why can't he, or she be a little different or how did I wind up here?
Speaker 0 00:02:33 I love him or her so much, but, but, but that maybe my think, no, you actually can't have it all in relationship. There's always some problem or you deserve to have an all, but you don't have it yet. So I think the most sincere succinct answer that I can give about this subject is that we all have access to having a taste of having it all some of the time. However, it's unlikely that most of the time you can have it all at the same time. In fact, what I'd like to put forth is that we have activated in our relationships different. You could call it vibrations or energy or feelings, but when you're having a great day with your partner, all of the other painful stuff is simply not active. It hasn't gone away. Maybe you still haven't forgiven them for something. Maybe you haven't let go of something, but in the moment you put it aside and you're focusing whether intentionally or not on the positive on what works on the love.
Speaker 0 00:03:34 And that's why it feels so good. Finally, the research shows that if you have one bad experience for every five bad experiences, your relationship is likely to be doomed. It's too much negativity. And interestingly, if you have one bad experience where every 11, it also seems like things may not work out because there's not enough variety, excitement, and dare I say my least favorite word drama. What this suggests is that inside of every relationship, there needs to be some tension, some room to grow someone who challenges you or pushes you to become better. And those moments can be painful. Do painful moments mean you don't have it all? Or can you see that having some painful moments or having a partner that does help you grow can actually be of benefit to your personal growth and your relationship? What then does it mean to have it all?
Speaker 0 00:04:24 Well, I'm a very optimistic person, myself and I do believe that when we put our mind to something, we can achieve unbelievable success. But if we can arrive on a definition of what it means to have it all together, and we think through it, you might actually agree with my assessment, that having it all, isn't always possible for most of us, the idea of having it all means that everything goes right for you all of the time and that everything that happens to you is pleasing. And that everyone you come into contact with, who's giving you at all, is doing what you want in the way you want it and how you want it done. How can we get someone to behave the way we want them to behave all of the time. It's not possible. Interestingly. And as a bit of an aside, we do live in a world right now with some pretty bizarre ideology.
Speaker 0 00:05:11 We like to tell people, oh, you're just perfect, exactly how you are. You don't need to change. You don't need to become, you don't need to work on yourself. Someone should love you without you putting in any effort, just however you were raised. However, you did things, whatever fits that you may have thrown, it's all, okay. It's all great because you deserve the best. The top tier of whatever's available. We say to people, whatever your desire is, whatever your preference, you can have, that you can have anything. And it doesn't matter what anyone else may think. As long as you want it to relate it to sex. We're expected to want to love and ravish our partners and respect them and adore them and go down on them and do all of these things with them, regardless of whether or not they've worked on themselves in any way, just the way they are.
Speaker 0 00:05:57 They're supposed to be just perfect. It's a bit much, but it doesn't take much to think about if you had a partner that felt that way about themselves, that they were perfect as they are. There's no need for them to change or grow. And they expect all the rewards that come from a healthy relationship. Let's for this example, pretend it's a man who thinks he's perfect. He thinks to himself, I'm a goddess. Excuse me, God, I'm a king. I'm a Lord. Every thought I think is genius. Everywhere I go, everything I want is delivered to me. It's just a perfect unfolding of timing and greatness. I don't need to change. I don't need to do anything for her. That's her problem. If she doesn't like what I'm doing, that's her problem. I don't apologize because I'm never wrong. I do only what I want to do.
Speaker 0 00:06:38 I can't really feel empathy for others because everything I do and want is perfect and compassion for the birds. While I know most of you out there have some particularly choice names for people like this. Don't we also considered trying to make someone happy and pleased them all of the time. Imagine that every moment of the day you are responsible for doing something pleasing for the other person, every text, every piece of communication, every smile, every hug there's no, mal-intent, there's no misunderstanding. There's no misinterpretation. You have to get it perfect. So she or he, or they do not get upset or hurt or confused or feel rejected or feel misunderstood. All of your responses, your phone calls, your availability, the dates that you go on, it's all gotta be pleasing. But then remember you can't be too pleasing because no one likes another person who's a doormat or a people pleaser, or someone who only says yes to everything.
Speaker 0 00:07:36 You've really got to get it. Perfect. And you also have to know your partner's mood. Are they in a good mood, a bad mood, a sad mood, a happy mood. And what are your intentions for that day? What if you've got really high hopes to connect in a really deeply loving way and she, or he is just not having it or they're distracted, or they don't realize how important that is for you. What happens when you both have a need? And it can't get met at the same time, does one person continually sacrifice what they need? So the other person can be happy or have some space or be left alone or have him or her time. What happens when resentment builds up and a person gets tired of asking or stops asking and just pretends to be nice. What happens when a partner is hurting about something you did that you didn't mean to do, or that was just a part of who you were, but it hurt them anyway.
Speaker 0 00:08:30 And now she or he doesn't allow you to pick up the pieces to make it better. What if resentment gets in the way of your now experience, even if you both are fully committed and fully invested, these are real everyday situations and it's worth asking, can you be everything to someone all of the time? I believe that you can't do it. I'm open to be proven wrong, but you cannot on your head to please someone enough that they like you love you and are happy with you. All of the time, the most you can do is be such an authentic version of yourself. And this is dangerous territory because everybody says, oh, just be you and command the respect of others. And when you don't give a damn about others, this is how people respect you. There's truth to that. But it also comes with very callous consequences as well.
Speaker 0 00:09:19 It doesn't just mean that because you're doing whatever you want and not caring or paying attention to anyone else that that person isn't hurting or not getting their needs met. So you can't live your life being perfect in someone else's eyes, you can't try hard enough or work hard enough to make it so that everything you do is good for them, nor would you want to. Now, how many arguments have you got into before with a previous partner or your current one that was just due to some silly trite or irrelevant misunderstanding? Can you even remember what your last five fights were about before the most recent one? How many times has someone gotten overdramatic or freaked out about something that didn't even happen? Someone didn't call you back fast enough or when they thought you would, or my least favorite line you didn't pick up.
Speaker 0 00:10:09 When I called at this random time, you aren't understanding once or you try to get your needs met once when someone else is struggling and poof away, you go in an argument or frustration or pain or resentment. How many times have you opened yourself up to share your love with someone? And it wasn't met with the same amount or the same gratitude or the same response. And so you quickly clamored back up or you thought you were being vulnerable and your partner wasn't vulnerable enough. So it made you feel fear. And have you ever contemplated how quickly you believe that you can release negative emotion when it hits you? It would need to be pretty fast. If you have it all, how quickly can you release the anger, hurt or frustration that comes as a result of a little lover's spat or argument or incident, you were fine a moment ago, but now you're triggered.
Speaker 0 00:11:03 Now you're experiencing shame, guilt, anger, frustration, sadness. This always happens to me. This always happens to him, whatever it is, how quickly can you drop that? Maybe your parents used to do something that drives you crazy. And now someone else is doing that thing, unbeknownst to them. How fast can you recover and get back to where you were or that same happy place? When an argument ensues, do you think you can do it in five or 10 seconds, five or 10 minutes? If it gets activated again, five or 10 days or months from now, what happens to him? Are you able to come back to that same loving space where you love and adore each other, everything feels right and you feel like you have it all. And then what happens the next time a similar subject comes up and you go right back to that place you were before.
Speaker 0 00:11:47 I hate when you do this, I hate when you do that, this is what drives me crazy. This is what I can't stand. We work ourselves into a dinner and it's really hard to get out of because we route our heels in and exclaim. Again, this is happening. This is so frustrating. I can't stand this. And even if the other person is looking you square in the eyes and saying, what can I do? How can I help tell me how to make it better often, especially if you ask a woman, the answer is, I don't know, it's either give me huge amounts of space. And don't talk to me for a while and let me process, or I don't know what you can do about this. I just know I'm upset about it and an angry about it. So it's worth considering, should you even be able to have it all in relationships, given traditional male, female dynamics, or even given human nature, should all of your wildest dreams and everything that you can possibly want in a person come in the form of one singular person can and should the one special person in your life be everything to you.
Speaker 0 00:12:54 And should they, the person who listens to you and ravish as you, but of course, anytime you're not in the mood for sex, oh, it just so happens that they aren't either, or it's a hundred percent fine that they are not getting what they might consider to be a need being met. And of course your love languages are probably identical. Your coping strategies, the way you handle anger, your attachment styles, all the same. Well, even if they are the same, that doesn't necessarily put you in a helpful position, but let's say all that's there. And you're probably best friends as well. You can talk about everything under the sun. You go to the bathroom in the same room and it's no big deal. Don't recommend that by the way, you can ask me later, but somehow you also have incredibly passionate, hot, deep, meaningful sex.
Speaker 0 00:13:34 And then you can also make love when the time is right, but then switched back to fucking so easily. And then of course, no one has an issue practicing celibacy, if someone's sad or isn't really intuitor feeling at that night, week, month or year, come on, do we have this? Is it always peaches and rainbows? Is it peaches and rainbows every week, every month or every hour of every day? Absolutely not. But the question really becomes should one person be your everything? Can they be it? Or is it actually nice to have a massage therapist or a Reiki healer? Because someone else outside of the relationship knows how to give you touch in the way that you need and crave it. Isn't it nice to have a therapist or coach or outside perspective that you can be vulnerable with or share everything with and not worry about losing your relationship.
Speaker 0 00:14:24 How about girlfriends to talk about girly stuff with, and guy friends to talk about guy stuff with how about a coach or therapist to work through your inner most issues and someone who can hold space for you that you can confide in and trust. I think pretending or expecting that someone should and must fulfill it all for you. All, all is all. There's not more beyond all is absurd, a little preposterous. How could they, that would suggest that was born just to fulfill your every women desire. And if that's not the most egotistical thing I've ever heard, I don't know what is. So I believe that you can line up on an enormous amount of things you can have in common. You could be a great parenting team, or as so many people who come through my doors, tell me the best of friends or such a good team together, or you talk about everything or you do everything together and it's all comfortable except this one area even consider what COVID and politics has done to family and relationships over the last couple of years.
Speaker 0 00:15:28 How many of you have broken up with not a boyfriend or girlfriend, husband, or wife, but a family member or a cousin or someone who was closer a best friend, because they voted for someone who you don't agree with, or they have certain beliefs about COVID that you don't share. How often has that happened all the time. And I think a lot of people have come face to face with realizing that their own partners, their own sexual partners or husbands or wives or boyfriends or girlfriends share different beliefs about these things. So then what do you break up? Do you never speak to your parents again? Or do you realize that there's a series of checks and balances, pluses, and minuses, and you got to figure out where is the line between acceptance, sacrifice and tolerance and this ever pervasive spiritual principle of just loving someone exactly as they are, which leads us to our next point.
Speaker 0 00:16:26 Let's bring back this notion that many people on the planet are living. But for me, I'm a bit tongue in cheek about this idea that when it comes to being selected as a sexual mating partner or a partner for relationship, that you are perfect just the way you are now, I'm not speaking in spiritual terms here where we are all perfect or divine beings, or we are all one speaking about those people who believe that they do not need to improve themselves in any way, shape or form that they're just fine, the way they are and the way they look and that without any change, they should be swept up or adored or appreciated or ravished a perfect the way I am. Zero accountability kind of partner translates into being the kind of person who can never be bothered to grow or change or become better. Why? Because you're just perfect. The way you are, no one should want to change you. Every single thing about you is just right now, we all know this is absurd, right? None of us are perfect. We are all flawed. Even in our perfection, big question here is how would the person dating someone like this or married to someone like this ever get their needs met more importantly, how could that person ever feel like or experience the idea of having it all?
Speaker 0 00:17:42 On the other hand, the boy in me, the one who loves Disney movies, the one who loves love and romance and that shore, of course, I want to believe that you can have it all that you can have everything going for you. And it all works out wonderfully. I also believe there are many people who put a lot of time and energy into themselves. We've done a lot of personal growth and development. You're maybe independent and you have your own job or you own your own business, or you make your own money or you own your own house and you look great and you take care of yourself and you're responsible. In essence, it may seem to be the case that you are the whole package and people who think of themselves as the whole package or a 10 often inevitably believe that someone should be lucky to be with them, fortunate to be with them, that they don't have to work.
Speaker 0 00:18:28 The person who feels this way themselves at all, at being better. And that the other partner should prove themselves to this 10. Interestingly, your belief system about whether you're this 10 or not, does not include your political beliefs, religious beliefs, beliefs about politics and vaccinations of where your kids should go to school of how you behave in public or how you handle drama, how you handle yourself when unpleasant things come up, when there's conflict or someone doesn't agree with you, how do you communicate? What happens when things don't go your way? When you get hurt, do you stand, talk through it? Do you fight? Do you run and disappear and hide you, call names? Do you hit, have you ever noticed that we often attract partners who give us a response that tends to be the worst response for how we were raised, where exactly is the 10 out of 10 in all of this.
Speaker 0 00:19:16 If your partner runs away or gets freaked out, when you want to talk and you lose it or they're combative and they want to talk to you head on, but you're the kind of person who needs a little bit of space. What then where's the 10, where's the queen. Where's the king. Where's the prince. So as much as I love the Disney dream, and I love having moments with partners that feel that way, where that really does feel like you are experiencing perfection in the moment. Nothing could be better. I still have to acknowledge that on a day-to-day basis. This is not how it goes. When you truly get the opportunity to look inside intimate, committed relationships, they are often a roller coaster. They're up and down. They're moody. They change from one day to the next emotions, run hot and cold. People have all sorts of different ways for dealing with their own traumas and dramas such as tuning out, ignoring you, backing off, holding back Sachs, being rude, being cold, being distant, being shut down.
Speaker 0 00:20:14 How many have a partner who treats you pretty horribly, but they get on the phone with a client or they own their own business. And maybe they have a coaching business or something. And suddenly they've got all of the care and empathy and concern in the world. They're like a different person, but as soon as they get off, they're irritated by you or annoyed or tired or exhausted. They put on a show for someone else. But with you, the real person comes out is that trust does that love. And does someone feeling like they can be themselves around you? Which means that they feel safe and they care and love you. Is that helpful for you? If the way they're treating you as poorly. So perhaps in theory, one can have it all, or one person can tick many, many boxes for someone or the vibration or the mood or the energy of the day or the week or the month can be really, really positive.
Speaker 0 00:21:04 But please show me someone who doesn't have a single negative or disempowering thought about their relationship throughout the day, a concern or a worry or wishing it was better. Or I love this, but that I think what actually happens during the mating process, during how we select a partner or how we go on dates with someone for the first time, plays a lot into whether you can have it all. And that's what I want to talk about next. It has to do with how women select their mates or their partners. Now, interestingly, I think it's something to the tune of 80% of all divorces are initiated by women, which suggests that as choosy as most women find themselves to be almost every woman, I know believes herself to be picky. The evidence suggests that she's not choosing her mate very well. If she's the one to initiate the divorce.
Speaker 0 00:21:56 One of the things that I believe about mate selection is that when a woman is choosing her mate, she's doing so based on a couple of markers, is this man going to be a provider, someone who can take care of her and her children, or is he just someone for fun, someone for right now, someone in Vegas, someone in Spain, someone who gives all of those exhilarating and thrilling emotions that peak and spike her emotional energy. So naturally when someone's looking to just have a little fun or feel high, positive emotions, it's the quintessential bad boy or exciting guy, or the guy who doesn't call her back or doesn't give her attention or doesn't respond to her texts or doesn't follow through. And he creates this sort of dramatic need or cycle in her for many reasons that I won't get into, but there you haven't.
Speaker 0 00:22:44 And so the guy who gives her the least amount of attention or who isn't needier, isn't clingy, or isn't calling her all the time, winds up, winning out for getting her attention. And most importantly, her sex. Now, if you Dick around enough and that kind of an arena and women start developing feelings for someone like that, well, you can see that the relationship can be kind of doomed to begin with. And then we all know there's the flip side of that coin, the bad boy and the other guy, the nice guy, the man who looks great on paper. And it very much comes down to, in my opinion, what category you fit into as a man, it's very rare that a man fits into both. He is either this person who is short-term fun and excitement and makes her heart race and frustrates her like crazy.
Speaker 0 00:23:29 Or he's someone stable and nice and good and kind and committed and all these other things. And you can have qualities of each person meld into the other side, but it is helpful to hold this frame of what kind of guy is this. And if he's both, ideally you should be in luck. Now, the kind of unfair thing that women often do in relationship is they select a man to have a family with, or to be her husband. Not because he's Mr. Exciting or the most provocative man she's ever met, nor the most sexual provocateur she's ever come in contact with. But rather she often chooses him because of his stability or patients or security or ability to not be dramatic, to not be unstable. But here's the kicker that ability to be consistent and tempered. And the same that is very attractive for safety does nothing in the sexuality department and not very exciting in the sexuality department equals boredom for a woman.
Speaker 0 00:24:33 And when a woman gets bored, oftentimes many times she moves on to something else. I get this all the time in session. Guys will come in the office, we'll sit down, look at their girl and say, of course I love you. I've loved you from the beginning. I always here for you. That's all there is to it. Why do you need to hear it every day? Why do I need to remind you of it? Don't you know that I love you. Why do you need reassurance wide? Is there have to be drama? Why did the ups and downs have to keep happening? So on the one hand, it does feel like someone could have most of it, all loyalty, love, commitment to curity safety, maybe even closeness and some form of intimate closeness, like cuddling or little kisses here and there or snuggling on the couch.
Speaker 0 00:25:17 Absolutely. But the guy who's the wild card, the one who shows up sometimes and leaves the one who doesn't call you back, maybe he's there. Maybe he's not, maybe he wants you. Maybe he doesn't the one who creates excitement. It's extremely challenging. If not most of the time, impossible to find the person who can get your emotions spiked like that, with that much excitement while also being safe, trustworthy, and reliable, that just don't seem very compatible. Do that. You can develop the skill or habit of being a great lover or being someone who is more sexual. You can understand how to satisfy your partner in different ways that you never knew before. Yes, it is a skillset, but this elusive art of great sex does not come naturally to women who are selecting mates for the purpose of procreation protection and long-term stable commitment, incredible love making and hot steamy fucking do not often go hand in hand with stable, consistent, hardworking, reliable, nice and sweet.
Speaker 0 00:26:22 They can. I'm sure it's possible. I myself do my best to be a blend of both sides. But what you tend to find for a majority of men in the world is that they lean towards being one way or another, just like their tendencies with women as well. So this is what I wind up seeing so often in my office is two people come in and they've got a great partnership. They love each other. So supportive of one another. They think everything is fine. In fact, they often spell this out. First thing in their intake forms. We are best friends. We are so close. We get along great. We're wonderful parents. It's just this one area that's stuck. And that one little area is actually pretty big because it extends out to so many things, leading healthy dominance, healthy assertion, sexuality being provocative and playful and flirtatious, and knowing how to take your partner out on the right kind of dates and how to touch her and how to connect with her.
Speaker 0 00:27:19 Therefore, I believe that divorces or the experience that people become bored sexually, oftentimes in their relationships can often be traced back to how and why a woman selected her mate. Who's the one who wants to be on boats and yachts and going to secret exclusive parties or being at the after party or eating brunch and fancy places. And on rooftop bars, who has the most fear of missing out who wants to be social more than anything else who wants all the likes, who wants to be seen, who wants to get the most attention, who wants to be wined and dined and so on and so forth and often included in this very active going out lifestyle are things like the wild sex, the hot sex, the passionate sex, the doing things they would never do now. And in places they would never do it. And often these are things that they are never going to repeat to their husbands or boyfriends because it doesn't feel safe or comfortable, or they don't want to be judged, et cetera, et cetera of the stuff that happened in Vegas, the stuff that happened on vacation, the stuff that they didn't expect to have happen or weren't planning to have happen, or weren't anticipating would happen.
Speaker 0 00:28:18 But somehow did, you know, accidentally bumping into someone in the freezer section or buying ice cream and taking him home and turning him out or, or staying in an Airbnb and sleeping with the host or the bouncer or the bartender, or pretending to meet a man with no expectations, but putting on makeup and heels and getting all dressed up to look very sexually appealing with no intention of doing anything. How did she find herself on her hands and knees when she wasn't expecting it or looking for it? It's one of the great mysteries of the world. Then on top of that, we've got all the experiences that women don't count, or they don't count because they didn't come or they don't count because they don't remember it or they don't count because it wasn't a good experience. So oftentimes there's a strong, emotional connection to this lifestyle because it's got a lot of ups and downs.
Speaker 0 00:29:02 It can be very hot, very fast paced and very arousing, or at the very least, it's exciting whether it's anxiety, prone or not. This could be where threesomes happen or fetishes are explored, or you try anal sex for the first time or you kiss a girlfriend or you and your girlfriends wind up in a situation. You never thought you would, maybe it's doing it in the car, in the park. Or you say things that you thought you never say, taste things. He thought he never tastes. Now I'm not suggesting this has been everybody's experience, but I'm sure more than a few can relate. Much of this type of activity tends to play itself out during a woman's teenage years through her twenties and late twenties. And even in her forties. Yes. Sometimes it goes on further than that. Then at one very magical in particular junction in life, often someone will decide, okay, it's time to get serious if I want a family or if I want kids, or if I want someone to take care of me, or if I want that, Mr.
Speaker 0 00:29:53 Right now suddenly the very same woman begins to view that kind of behavior as empty or meaningless, or they don't like the way they've been treated. And so in essence, they want a good man, someone who's good. Who's not like all these other guys who doesn't have these, what you might call negative, but exciting qualities, operative words, here are a good husband. Suddenly all of that behavior becomes who she used to be. She's not like that anymore. Now she's celibate or holding out, or now she's making men wait and using expressions. Like I don't do that on the first date. I like to take my time to get to know someone. I don't want things to escalate too quickly. And many other choice expressions that many men are familiar with before this ready to settle down phase kicked in. She might instantly spontaneously and in a moment, sleep with someone who she felt that rush or that attraction with.
Speaker 0 00:30:51 But now it has to be in essence, paid for in some way, whether it's proving himself, providing, taking her places, showing his worth. So it seems to be the case as we were discussing earlier, that women seem to categorize men into one of two categories, which by the way we all do, is this someone I want to sleep with and have an amazing time with, and have some kind of fun or wild adventure with, or do I see this man as the long-term provider type? The big takeaway here is that unfortunately, the number one area where Mr. Wright seems to be lacking when he's so absolutely amazing at ticking, all the other boxes, such as someone who wants to be a good husband, wants to provide, loves her, wants to have children, wants to create a family is super loyal. That one area that tends to lack is in the hot passionate sex department in all that is erotic and exciting and arousing.
Speaker 0 00:31:49 Now fast forward 1, 3, 5, or seven years into your marriage. And perhaps the Mrs begins to feel that things are a bit stale. What's missing. What has worn off the fact that she used to initiate all the time, the fact that she used to have no problem being ready for sex at a moment's notice the fact that she wasn't observant or cognizant of his way of being, which may have been, Hey, babe, do you want to have sex? Hey, let's go have sex to have sex. We just take our clothes off. And I put it in sex where he just comes really fast sex, where he finishes in five minutes sex where he's not looking out for her pleasure sex. That becomes a chore for him sex. It becomes too much work and belabored sex where he just doesn't care. He finds himself maybe listless or not in the mood, or he feels too rejected by her.
Speaker 0 00:32:31 The list goes on and on and on. And on of all these things that come up when someone is not with a guy who just happens to have a high sex drive, and then also wants to channel that into taking good care of her. I think it takes both things to have great sex, right? You have to have the desire to do so a strong desire to do so, which then can translate into a woman feeling wanted chased, seen desired, et cetera, and then a desire to do good with that desire, not just get yourself off. So then can you learn to be a hot, passionate, incredible lover? Is that a skill? Yes, it is. And absolutely you can, but what does it usually take? How exactly does one become an incredibly skilled lover experience experience? How else do you get good at something? And sometimes many times it's more than just practicing on the person that you're with because just like interacting with your mom and your dad or a family member and things get terse and tense really easily.
Speaker 0 00:33:36 Same thing in relationship, you may want to explore more. You may have the desire to explore more, but you just can't get there because you know, each other too well, or you've been married too long, or he just doesn't act that way. Or that's not how he or she is with me, or I don't know how to behave around my partner because they don't bring that side out of me. And then even worse when it's a woman saying these things and she's already feeling bitter and resentful. Her patience is roughly 10 times less than it would be. If she was with a new partner or someone who she met at a bar or an old friend who she'd never had sex with. Now, she's trying, again, her fuse become shorter and shorter and shorter. And the expectation that the man will perform the way she's used to or the way it used to be, or the way men usually look at her becomes really, really high, which by the way, is also based in a heavy insecurity of feeling undesirable, unwanted, unloved, taking it personally, and then having that come out as a lot of resentment and frustration.
Speaker 0 00:34:33 So if you're in a committed, monogamous relationship, you might as well tick learning from other lovers off the list because that's not happening. How do you then become skilled as a phenomenal lover? Well, if you're monogamous, you only get to practice on each other, but wait, most women do not want to be practiced on nor do they want to lead in the bedroom often. They don't want to tell you what to do. Tell you how it's done. Tell you what they like, tell you how to do it. Explain themselves, speak in bed, get into their heads and explain what's working and not working. Respond to questions with more than short answers. And as much as most women believe that successful relationships are all about communication or built on communication. Very few women want to actually do it once they become sexually intimate or aroused. And what this means is most women do not want to teach their men how to properly have sex with them.
Speaker 0 00:35:25 Most of them do not want to say, Hey, here is exactly how to pleasure me. And what's more, most women do not even know how to do that or what is required to do that. So they don't know how to explain it on top of all of that. Even if you do find someone who's willing to explore with you or go through it with you, they may not speak it. They may not show it, but often women become agitated, annoyed, and frustrated. If they have to talk about it too much, for whatever reason, women love for men to just know for it, to just be done to them, for them to not have to think for them to not have to worry because they spend so much time in their heads all the time and have so many other thoughts, concerns, insecurities worries, ideas going on that it's nice to just sit back, relax and be enjoyed.
Speaker 0 00:36:15 And isn't that the case for everybody. Heck I like to just sit back, relax and be enjoyed. But this is especially the case for women compile all that with the fact that if a woman initiates once or twice and she feels rebuffed or rejected, or she tries to explain something in whatever way she does and you don't get it, even if the explanation was terrible or it made no sense to you, or it was very demeaning or derogatory. And then she will often get fed up or annoyed and not want to explain again at all. Now I understand there are probably sex positive people who are listening to this podcast who are thinking, this is absolutely crazy. I communicate about everything. I have no trouble with this. Great, great continue to share yourself and share information like that with your friends and anyone else who will listen. But the exception does not make the rule. And we're talking about a majority of people here. And of course there are always exceptions, such as for instance, an older woman who may be in her forties, teaching a younger buck, how to perform or what she likes. She might find that fun or cute or endearing for short term fun, but for anything long-term and committed to changes a lot.
Speaker 0 00:37:26 So can you just turn someone into a hot, passionate sexual dynamo who knows what to do at every turn and can read your body and give you everything you want when you're in a committed, monogamous relationship. And he can't go explore with 10 other women. And the woman herself is not willing to express very much of what she likes or needs or doesn't know how to do it, or doesn't know what she wants. It's highly unlikely. Now you can certainly do it with me in session over time, where if both people want that and you're willing to come together to work on it week after week. Yeah. You can build skill in that area. You can take a guy who was otherwise clueless or didn't know as much, or didn't have emotional intelligence, or didn't see how the whole thing works and turn him into someone who can really pleases women.
Speaker 0 00:38:13 Well, but it takes two people working at it in a very controlled environment. It's very unlikely that a guy's going to go watch a hundred YouTube videos or read a few books and then become this person doing something like that also takes an enormous amount of vulnerability. It takes allowing another man or a woman to offer encouragement or guidance on how to perform during the most intimate thing you can do or how to behave sexually. And if it's in front of your woman, this can be very, you really gotta be able to put your ego aside to do it. And we get incredible results in session, but it has to take a willingness on both parties to make it work. And there has to be some level of attraction still from the woman where she does desire her partner, husband. She does want to have sex with him, but we just need to shift some of the behaviors.
Speaker 0 00:39:01 So he becomes that more of the time and for the woman, it also takes an enormous amount of patience for the already annoyed, resentful, frustrated, and sometimes insecure woman who may be feeling unattractive because of how he rejects her. She may be feeling worthless or undesirable because of how he quote unquote makes her feel by not initiating or not knowing what to do to turn her on women who are not pursued or who do not get attention, who, who are not complimented and seen regularly tend to wither in relationship. Their light begins to diminish. And I know it's challenging if a woman has been patient for so long, for many people, this has been years, years of women waiting for their man to do something. And now I'm telling you, you gotta be more patient. Well, yes, but you can also participate. You can also initiate.
Speaker 0 00:39:53 You can also do things yourself that might excite him or turn him on. But generally speaking, if given a choice between being patient yet again, or being bitter resentful, frustrating, castigating him, punishing him, shaming him. That type of behavior is certainly not going to open anybody up. So in session we often help women find this ability not to sit around and wait, and just hope that the guy does the right thing, but to be receptive and responsive and open to new things and even encouraging of it along these lines. I've got another very interesting philosophy to share with you. We talk a lot about how women have inherent value just by being born. Men desire them. Once they become sexually attractive, they have value in the sexual marketplace. Whereas men tend to have to become in order to become more valuable. We were just talking about how difficult it is for a man to become in the sexual department.
Speaker 0 00:40:52 If he's locked into a monogamous relationship, how does he become, if not by doing his best to practice regularly, but that makes it sound like all he has to do is practice. If any woman gets resentful, frustrated, annoyed, irritable, or she shuts down, or she just decides she's not having any of it, it can make the practice exceedingly difficult. Well, can a woman become more valuable sexually in the relationship and in the bedroom? Can you take a woman who is not skilled sexually at all, maybe is just a bad lover or doesn't have the know-how or isn't really excited about the whole thing. And can you turn her into an passionate, delicious, magnificent lover? Can you flip her switch? Can you turn her into someone who brings so much more to the table, so to speak when she is in the bedroom? Yes, you can.
Speaker 0 00:41:46 Yes, you absolutely can because she can actually be made into one in this dynamic. If it's the man doing the teaching or the explaining or the exploring or the showing or having the patients to open her up, this can be one of the most incredible gifts a woman can receive. So if you have a man who has a ton of experience and he's patient and articulate and calm and centered and able to move through different moments with her, regardless of the emotional ups and downs of ed, or support her through insecurity and take her on and delicious journey, helping her to open up and be her best self. And also by the way, not make it seem like he's being too clinical or like he's acting like a teacher or a father, something like that, all of this can be done, but this isn't necessarily an easy ask either.
Speaker 0 00:42:33 The man has to be incredibly skilled at sexual communication and you endo his emotional side, his strong masculine side, his receptive feminine side. He can't steamroll her and he can't get stuck if she feels nervous or insecure or unsure or doesn't know what to do next on top of all that no woman wants to be pitied. Very few people are accepting of a pity. Fuck. Nobody wants to hear, I feel pretty bad for you. Let me throw you this bone, especially women. So all of this has to be done in a very careful and loving way, but then you have to temper that with hotness, passion and intensity, you've got to have love at the basis of all of it. You've got to have a good heart and be a good person at your core and want the best for your partner. There can't be anger and resentment or desire to harm her in any way there has to be that pure care.
Speaker 0 00:43:25 And then you can layer on these other layers of eroticism and excitement and intensity all of this to say, you can turn a woman into a fantastic, incredible lover, far more easily than you can do. So with a man. So we come to the question again, can you have it all? And by the way, who's asking, is it a man or a woman, but can you have it all in relationships? Once again, many of you may be thinking that right now in this moment, you are a happy little B. You've got it all. You've got a loving partner who supports you in everything is going right. But check in with me again later this afternoon and later tonight and tomorrow, does it still have that feeling day after day, week after week moment after moment. And I think for most people, the answer is a resounding no, no, it does not feel perfect.
Speaker 0 00:44:19 And like the best thing you've ever had, I've been in relationships where it changes day to day, the most incredible highs. And then suddenly I don't even know what happens. Something shifts. Someone says someone feels something or think something, or gets nervous about something or worried about something. And the whole thing turns upside down for a day or two. And that gets built back up. Sometimes I wonder if someone does it on purpose just to see if you actually like them or love them. So maybe you justify it as that's just life or this is normal, or it can all be perfect or you calf to take the good with the bad, or you wouldn't know what the good is. If you didn't have so much bad, but all of that means that you can't have it all. Because once again, all is all. It's not part of the time.
Speaker 0 00:45:02 It's like all the time feeling like you have a wonderful relationship all by the way is not, you know, we have our ups and downs, but I really love my husband all is not, ah, you know, we've really been through the fire this last couple of years. It's really tested our marriage, but we've stuck it through. And they've been by my side through the whole thing that is tenacity. That's courage, that's strength. Those are really admirable qualities to stay in relationship. But as we see these relationships, which often hold up a mirror to who we are ourselves and bring out our own insecurities better than anything else, it's very, very difficult to have a good time. All of the time relationships are chock full of moments where someone just gets quiet. Someone stops trying someone gets bitter or resentful and just assumes things about the other partner or no longer wants to be a willing participant in the relationship.
Speaker 0 00:46:01 Sometimes the man or woman doesn't speak up anymore because they feel uncomfortable or they feel like it's unsafe to do so, or they feel unheard or because the same old patterns continue to play themselves out. And both people feel wounded, leaving neither person's needs getting met. As soon as one person expresses their needs. The other person feels attacked. And as soon as the person feels attacked, then the other person shuts down and on and on it goes. And it's really, really hard to get away from that. It's really, really hard to not bring our childhood and previous relationships and the way our parents treated us into our now relationship. Of course, it also matters how long you've been together. Is that the first few months of your relationship, are you in a long distance relationship where you barely see one another? So of course the moments you're together feel amazing.
Speaker 0 00:46:52 Has it been many years or several years? Do you live with your family members where you kind of dating at first and it wasn't really something serious and you both were seeing other people and then it became something much more serious. Did your feelings for that person change over time and then suddenly your expectations did as well. People tend to focus on what happened most recently. Well, everything's been fine now. So yeah, we have a perfect relationship. No, no, very few. If any relationships are ever continuously going smoothly and wonderfully and perfectly, all right, so here we are an hour in, more or less in of people being able to have it all. And how do I actually feel about it myself? Well, guess what I actually do believe that there is a tiny, tiny, tiny handful of couples who may have successful relationships in all areas where things just seem to be flowing really, really well for them.
Speaker 0 00:47:49 Is it all the time doubtful to me? I would even suggest that they're lying and you do not know what happens behind closed doors. If they suggest that day in and day out, they have great sex. They're connected the sex. Doesn't take a dip, the communication doesn't take a dip there aren't rough patches. If you believe that it does work that way. And you're someone who has a continuously outstanding relationship, please come on the show and let me know, and we'll do an episode on how I was wrong, but it is likely that even if I'm eating my words, the conclusion will likely be that that person is the exception and not the rule. We all hear of one person somewhere who just love their partner so much. They stayed together until they were 95 years old. But I think it's an important distinction to think.
Speaker 0 00:48:35 Well, what's the difference between companionship friendship, having a lover and maybe that's all you're looking for later in life, right? Is someone to keep you company. In fact, I imagine as I get into my fifties, sixties or seventies, that it will change for me as well for what I want and that the sexual desire might transform. And other things become important because obviously our looks change our ability to perform changes, how we carry ourselves changes. And sometimes at the end of the day, all you want later in life may be peace and calm and contentment and supportive, gentle love from your partner, which is absolutely beautiful. I do consider myself to be a man who's motivated. Who's positive, who encourages others, who sees the best in others who brings out the best in others. That's how I spend a majority of my life for goodness sake.
Speaker 0 00:49:27 And I will still say that even though I love the idea and applaud the idea that well, if I saw my grandma and grandpa do it, then I can do it too. Or if I see success out in the world, then I can find a way to get to it myself. Yes. I believe that at the same time, if that was true for everybody, there'd be many more millionaires. The divorce rate would go down. There'd be much more successful relationships on a daily basis. When you talk to your girlfriends and guy friends, the first thing on your mind would not be your relationship drama. So yes, technically the idea is possible, but the world we live in today makes it very, very clear that relationships are hard. That is going to be a disparity between what we want and what we have that having it all in total happiness in relationship is aspirational.
Speaker 0 00:50:15 But that doesn't mean that we can't be happy in relationship. It doesn't mean that we can't be successful in it. And it doesn't mean that we can't have incredibly joyous moments, which is why I do what I do. I believe that there is absolutely nothing on the planet that is like a closeness coaching session. Getting able to workshop your desires, play with flirtatiousness, explore eroticism in a safe, contained environment, and then be able to go home and discover it yourselves on your own. It's incredible. What do I think the answer is that this dilemma about having it all? I think it is working with someone like myself or another coach or a therapist, or whoever helps get you both on track to rediscovering or discovering this part of yourself that has likely been dormant for a while. We all think we know how to do it.
Speaker 0 00:51:04 We think we know how to be sexual and be sexy and be flirtatious. And if you're having good sex, people assume, well, everything must be fine in the relationship, but there's so much more to it than that. All of those hidden insecurities, all of those hidden desires that don't get expressed. Well, he or she always does it in this position. And I wish they were more exploratory. They always take off my clothes the same way, or I find myself having to do all the work or it always goes down the same usual format. Everybody gets a little stale in the bedroom. Most of us do not have the tools to communicate or use sexual communication in a healthy way that opens our partner up. So I think finding someone to help you is essential. I want to say to everyone again, regardless whether you choose me or anyone else getting outside support for your relationship for the topics that we can't talk to, anyone else about is essential and things can shift really quickly.
Speaker 0 00:52:02 Especially once you start speaking about it and you get it out there on the table. And I strongly recommend having a third party, which generally means that you're paying someone for it because they're keeping it confidential. They're not going to go gossip about it. Your name's not going to come up. It's not going to get you unfriended or unmatched with someone on Facebook or Instagram. It's a very powerful approach to getting your relationship back on track. And the other interesting thing is especially being known as a sex and intimacy coaches every once in a while people come in, they think, oh, well, I'm just going to try to get you to have more sex. And there is so little truth to that personally, I actually couldn't care less about how much sex a couple is actually having. If it's not that important to them, maybe it's intimacy, maybe it's closeness or quality time, maybe it's being caressed or touched or held or loved or supported, or just understanding how to keep someone company in a room.
Speaker 0 00:52:57 Maybe it's helping someone feel warm and connected through the day, whatever it is that the intimacy aspect requires, there are always going to be other steps needed to get there. And it's not just being sexual or doing sexual things. We have to unlayer all of those things in session first. And then finally, I'll add to all of this. One of the incredible benefits of doing closeness coaching with me is being able to experience all of this stuff in a safe, fun environment. That is not talk only. It can be talk only if you want it to be, but to be able to stand up and interact with your partner one-on-one so you can see the results right in front of you. We get playful, we get fun. We get silly. Obviously we get sexy and we make it very easy to learn how to connect with your partner in the way that's missing.
Speaker 0 00:53:44 Whereas at home, most couples struggle to act out or play out anything on their own. It either turns into an argument or it feels uncomfortable, or it feels silly or awkward, or maybe you just do something once or twice, but not with enough focus and direction to get a certain result. So it's incredible to get the opportunity to work through something intimate. That's been bothering you both for quite some time, where for example, a man may get to see his wife, for example, getting turned on or excited in real time, not by me, by him and by the things that he's doing and saying in response to the guidance and coaching that actually work. It's beautiful to constantly see couples come in unresourced or not knowing what's missing. And then in an hour or two later, to be able to walk out with tools that actually change the way they interact in an intimate or sensual way, the ability to see in real time, what it looks like when something works versus when it doesn't is absolutely priceless.
Speaker 0 00:54:43 So number one know that there's help out there and there are resources to get you to the place that you want to be. And number two, don't delude yourself with catchphrases. Like it's all about communication, or it just takes communication. And think that that alone is what's going to solve your problem. Every single one of us communicates every single day, very few of us have the actual tools and resources to be able to do it in an effective way where it lands for your partner and makes you feel empowered in the way that you do it. There are many places that we shine as people and many men and women do not shine in the bedroom when they are so good at doing so many other things such as providing or making money or being incredible at a sport or being an incredible mother or father.
Speaker 0 00:55:28 It is a skill like anything else. And it takes honing. Now, can there be people who aren't really sexual don't really care so much about intimacy and touch don't even like being touched for that matter. Maybe were raised by parents who didn't show emotion very often, or didn't express with touch people who just enjoy another person's company or having a best friend. Absolutely. Can you get paired up with someone where, what matters most to you, you share and what doesn't matter? You don't share. I a hundred percent think that's possible. Still, still. You're going to butt heads on certain subjects and maybe you all just write that off as that's part of life. And that's just how it goes. But having the expectation that we all carry around these days, I deserve more. I deserve better. I'm a princess, I'm a king. I deserve the world and always holding out, always having FOMO, always having your eye on something more.
Speaker 0 00:56:21 That's the kind of stuff that just destroys relationships. Finally, into wrap things up when you want it all your own hobbies, the right amount of alone, time, time with your pets time with your family, for your partner or spouse, to love your family, brothers, sisters, parents, and to have great communication and great intimacy and for the fidelity to be there because it's inspired to be not because you're fearful of losing the person. All that takes a lot of work. It doesn't come naturally. Most of the time. In fact, I feel like in today's day and age, most of us are one feeling one, look, one emotion, one comment away from a total meltdown or a bad reaction, or getting really combative or aggressive or being super defensive or feeling hurt or unseen. We are all so reactionary. One little fo paw in the bedroom, one sexual mistake or one thing that someone thought was mean, but the other person didn't know that they did.
Speaker 0 00:57:21 And your whole relationship feels like it can get derailed. Sometimes. Heck I've even had an argument with a partner about wanting to spend more time with her wishing we could see each other more. And this is with someone who would say to me, I love you. I want you. I think I think about you all the time. I see you as my life partner. You're my top priority. But somehow an authentic desire to be closer with someone can turn into an argument. Even if the other person wants the same thing. It's crazy because behind closed doors, I've had women admit to me all the time, throughout the course of my life, that in their own relationships, they start, some drama starts some shit, start some little fight just to spice things up to see if their partner cares or not. And it gets a little nuts, but let's not get too far off in the woods.
Speaker 0 00:58:10 Let's wrap it up by asking a different question. Is it okay that we don't have it all? Yes, yes. We've heard the phrase before you are only human. We are not super human. We are not gods. We are not perfect. No matter how much of a perfectionist we think we are, we all have our flaws. We all have things to work on and we can't all be excellent at every single thing that we do. Therefore we can find appreciation for who we are, where we are in this moment in time, we can honor and pay attention to what is working right now in our relationship with someone, what have we gone through and gotten through together? What has worked out? Can you highlight what is working versus what is constantly not working? We can acknowledge that. Getting rid of our current partner is not going to necessarily eliminate our problems.
Speaker 0 00:59:00 If we don't work on ourselves, if we're still selfish or we don't have accountability, or we're not good at seeing the other person's side, or we're very, very obstinate when it comes to communication or we are reactionary or defensive, or we dig our heels in, it doesn't matter. If you swap out the guy or swap out the girl, the same battles are going to happen. Sometimes we know it's the right time to get out of a relationship it's toxic or unhealthy. This is a different story. If you're in something and you have your ups and downs, but you wonder if it's meant for you. It's actually very likely to serve you. Well, if both people are willing to do the work and that's the tricky thing is sometimes someone is so much more ready than the other person. They're so eager to dive in and get to know and explore and see what's there while the other person is finding themselves or still exploring, or still not sure what they want or not sure that they know themselves or can't make up their mind or are totally indecisive.
Speaker 0 00:59:57 And I don't recommend being long-term with someone like that, because it can really mess you up when two people are aligned and it doesn't matter whether you're lovers or it's a full-blown relationship, or you're just experiencing something together for the time being, if you're both in and you want to get to know each other inside and out, God, that's so beautiful. You could have so many more positive moments. You could have so many more moments that feel like you have it all. When you have that kind of a relationship. I think it's a beautiful thing. When you're involved intimately with someone to always be moving towards something and that something does not have to be committed, monogamous relationship, house, dog, children. But if you're moving towards more closeness, knowing that person on a deeper level, being more vulnerable with them, sharing more deeply having better sex, having hotter sex, being able to touch them and excite them in a way that turns them on so quickly.
Speaker 0 01:00:52 Especially if it's a woman learning how to do that to a woman where she is just in your presence and gets turned on and excited. That's something to work towards as humans. We can't help, but want more, even if you have the perfect house, the perfect family car, children income, if you are sitting down right now and think to yourself, man, I've got it all. We are not stationary that you still yearn for a different kind of experience or a different level of wealth or something you want to try sexually. We can't help, but continue to grow. And if you have your best friend or your lover or your boyfriend or girlfriend, or your husband, or wife or partner who you can do that with, it can be so exciting if you're on the same page and on the same team together. So can you have it all unlikely?
Speaker 0 01:01:41 It is unlikely that you can have it all nonstop 24 7. Can you have moments of it? Absolutely. And how can you bolster those moments? Love the person who you're with right now find things that do work, focus on what does work, as opposed to what doesn't and highlight those qualities in them. Celebrate them, see the aspect in them that works that maybe they don't even see and keep amplifying that that is what brings stronger levels of closeness. Finding a way to create an experience days together, where you have it all moments where it feels like you have it all those days are what create the lasting memories that give you the sensation of having it all. Thank you for listening. We hope you've enjoyed this immensely to learn more about closeness coaching or to get help with you and your partner live in San Diego. Please visit get closeness.com forward slash intake to fill out an intake form if you haven't already done. So please subscribe to our YouTube
[email protected] forward slash closeness, or listen to the closeness podcast. Everywhere podcasts can be found, leaving us five stars or a positive review anywhere you can is extremely helpful. Thank you for that. And please, don't forget to check out over two seasons of additional closeness episodes that cover every juicy subject under the sun. Thank you and have a great day.
