Speaker 0 00:00:00 You're listening to closeness your new sexual education. My name is Tari. I'm your host. And I'd like to give you a warm welcome to season three of the closeness podcast. In today's episode, we're going to be talking about how to be more dominant or assertive and aggressive and how to do it properly in a healthy way with your partner, wife or girlfriend. Interestingly, this is a subject that comes up almost daily in my private sessions with clients, but not in the way that you might think. Very few men walk in, sit down and say, Hey, how do I be more dominant with my wife or partner? Very few women come in and say, I want my man to be more dominant or aggressive. Even though after a few minutes of talking this ultimately winds up being what she's seeking. And she's usually mentioned it on her intake form.
Speaker 0 00:00:45 The desire for dominance comes out in some pretty unusual ways, such as I'm really turned off by him. I don't want him touching me or coming near me. I'm actually disgusted when he's too cautious or gentle with me, I'm really put off by how careful he is or how finicky he is. I could feel his unsure energy just when he's standing near me or touching me. And it turns me off. It's the same old thing. Every time I'm bored. I can imagine doing those hot things with a previous partner, but not with this one. It's too nice, too sweet, too gentle. Is he scared of me? I feel like he might be intimidated by me. It feels weird or creepy when he feels intimidated to touch me. And so even though many people don't realize that at first, what they're searching for is a dominant oriented response.
Speaker 0 00:01:29 But over the last several years, no one really knows quite what to do with this word dominance. And interestingly, why men are behaving in this fashion, why they're holding back, why they're being reluctant, why they're being overly kind and sweet, even if it's not in their nature, why they're asking over and over again, one of the reasons why consent has become so important in today's culture is for a very valid and helpful reason. They don't want to hurt their partner. They don't want to disrespect her. They don't want to be rude and they don't want to push her into doing anything that she doesn't want to do. All of these things are an important part of a healthy relationship and in today's society and climate, where we're really moving towards a consent based rather than try and find out or shoot your shot kind of culture.
Speaker 0 00:02:11 It's important. But as we begin to find out more and more about what women really want in the bedroom, and we begin to explore what healthy, true dominance looks like. We still need to keep in mind that even when it's wanted, and even when a woman asks for it, begs for it, demands it or requests it. We live in a world today where the consequences of engaging in whatever that word means to you are so much more greater for a man than they generally ever will be for a woman or the person who's on the receiving end. And so men are even more so these days cautious, careful, worried, and concerned because let's face it. If something goes wrong or better said someone decides to be vengeful or change their mind a week later or decides to lie or exaggerate, the other party can get into a world of hurt. So it's a very interesting catch 22 kind of place to be when you have majority of women, a very, very large percentage of women who want to be, let's just say it loved finessed, handled seduced ravished in a certain way. That doesn't mean poorly or distastefully or in a very cruel or evil way. It simply may mean more aggressively with more assertion. And of course confidently with finesse and in a healthy and dominant way.
Speaker 0 00:03:31 Sadly, however, what most men and women love to say when speaking about the subject, including from professionals and professional coaches and therapists is you're doing it wrong, or men don't know how to do it, or you're not doing it right. Or you've got to do it in the mythical right way. He just doesn't get it. Yeah. I liked that, but it all really depends. It has to be done by the right guy in the right way and the right time and the right place. And have you ever come across a woman who's been able to define in no uncertain terms, what the right version of that looks like? So it lands as men just don't know, or they're too simple, or women are more complex. Men don't get it to which I will say. And why would they, how would they, why would a man have any idea what a woman wants or how her body works or what she needs in a particular moment, when she's expecting him to mind read, are women going to teach men how to be more dominant and aggressive with them?
Speaker 0 00:04:20 Let me say that again. Are women going to teach men how to be more dominant and assertive and confident with them, even if that's what they want and are looking for? No. Do fish teach fishermen how to fish and no, I'm not calling women's seafood. 99% of the time. Women do not want to teach someone how to handle them or be with them or be dominant with them. By the way, I intentionally used the word handle, because this is often a word that many women use. He has to know how to handle me. He needs to know how to call me out on my . He has to know how to read me. He has to know how to be patient with me. Okay. So then our other macho or Uber confident, or hyper-masculine men going to show or teach men the healthy or appropriate or loving way to go about doing it, or is it all about ego, big pipes, big trucks.
Speaker 0 00:05:10 How you put it down on her? How good you look, bragging rights and how big you are. So that's not going to be a good place where exactly do you think someone learns how to be dominant in a healthy way that's patient? And that makes her pleasure, your dominant focus that understands foreplay. Isn't just something you try to do before having sex. That it's a constant endeavor. How does a man learn to be patient when he wants to do so much more? How does a man learn to experiment and play with his partner without making her feel like she's an experiment, but rather giving her the deep understanding that this is all for her pleasure. How does a man go about showing these things as a state of being, not just a service you're providing or something you do to her to bolster your ego, how do you make her respond?
Speaker 0 00:05:56 Favorably, delightfully in an excited, aroused, and turned on way? Where do you get that information from? This does not come naturally to most of mankind because obviously the whole point of being this way and doing this is certainly not to hurt a woman. It's not to have power over them in an egotistical way, but rather one way to look at it is that it's meant to create an exciting hot atmosphere or experience that you both can enjoy to find answers to these questions. There really aren't a lot of great places to look there. Aren't a lot of books written on the subject. Maybe you could watch it YouTube video, but that's hit or miss, but simply watching a video and being able to confidently navigate the waters of sexual interaction are two very, very different things. As you know, from any skill there's learning about it.
Speaker 0 00:06:45 And then there's actually doing it. The fact is it takes practice and you need to be able to feel safe enough and confident enough to apply it with a real human being who you need to take. Good care of. You have to be in a safe space where you can find the confidence to do something like that with your partner. So she doesn't roll her eyes, laugh or not take you seriously. One of the things I love most about the work that I do is that we get to play with this stuff in session, but in a safe and fun way. So it doesn't feel so scary and intimidating for anyone. We do it in a way that doesn't make you feel small and leaves your partner feeling hopeful, excited, and with her attraction and arousal focused on you, where it should be. So for a lot of people, they get stuck trying to work through these dynamics because it feels too cheesy or too silly or too awkward or too weird for some people, it feels like they're acting.
Speaker 0 00:07:36 And then sometimes the woman on the receiving end just won't take her man. Seriously. I'm thrilled to say without a doubt that if both partners are willing to go there and willing to do the exercises together in session, it can be a really powerful experience for everyone and lead you both to more sexual intimacy and attraction. So I think one of the quickest ways to get results in the safest way possible while keeping a smile on your face and self-esteem intact is a come in for a session. But if that's not available to you, this podcast will be an exceptional primer to help you move forward in this department.
Speaker 0 00:08:08 So part of the experience of being a healthy, dominant, or healthy Dom as it were, is being able to see and witness the whole picture, not just your own desires, not just what you want. And by the way, you can catch yourself and you use statements like I want you to not just a little bit of excitement or horniness in her eyes, but the whole thing what's going on to make choices in your head navigate, and then do something about it without overwhelming her, without making her feel uncomfortable. And while having a wonderful time yourself on the other hand, being dominant in a healthy way is not about purely and exclusively hard, rough sex with your partner. Rough sex can be great. It can be fun. It can be something that both people want and enjoy, and it can be part of a dominant lifestyle, but this is not it exclusively means, nor is it necessarily what your partner wants when I work closely with people in session, more often than not, I find that it helps people to know what it's not about when they're trying to learn how to do something properly.
Speaker 0 00:09:10 And unlayering behaviors and belief systems that haven't served you in the past, recognizing what they are, and then not doing them anymore. Along those lines, understanding that a woman needs to feel safe. And for her to really open up, it requires a certain degree of patience, not tolerance, not doing it because you think that's what she needs, but true, genuine patients because you know that what's on the other end is going to be so good. It takes time to explore her body and open her mind. And this is something that's required again and again, and again, it's not about being patient with a woman once on the first date or once before you have sex. So you gave her patience before now, why isn't she ready? Again? Women often move so often. Not always, but often move a little bit slower than men do. And there's just a little, I often talk about a buffer of time in between when men think that they're ready and want their partner to be ready.
Speaker 0 00:10:08 And a woman is actually ready. That needs to be honored for you to have the best possible experience with her said differently. If you're super high energy or you're ready to go, or you're sprung, and she needs a little more time, you've got to come down to her level to be able to give her a great experience along these lines of making a woman feel safe. It's really about observing, not just things that work, not just what turns her on, but what doesn't work as well. The things that she's not saying, the things that she's not doing and listen, guys, you should be able to know that if she's drying out or turning her head or retracting a little or pulling back or making a sacrifice just for you, instead of doing something, because she's inspired to do it in a perfect world, I wish a woman too would speak up and say, here's what I love.
Speaker 0 00:10:54 Here's what I don't have at it. Yes, very specifically. This is how I want to be touched. And don't ever do this and always do that. And it would be easy and everybody will live happily ever after I get it. But in the real world, in the world that we live in with female nature, women often delight in men, figuring it out or knowing it or understanding it. So having incredible patience and a skill set around being observant, not just of what works, but what our body looks like when something's not working, because it might be subtle. It's not only about, I love this. And I hate that. There's so many subtleties in between where something is she doing it for me? Is she doing it because she thinks she can take it. Is she doing it because she thinks she should. Is she doing it?
Speaker 0 00:11:38 Because she thinks this makes her look sexy as you're doing it because she thinks you want it. Right? All of these things need to cross your mind when you're engaging with a woman like this and finding the right way to engage with a woman after listening to a podcast or some instruction is tricky because we're always looking for what's the magic pill or what's the right way, or what's the answer. And as many women will tell you, everyone is different. Everybody responds differently, but we're not that different. You just have to know a few of the different approaches and how to change gears in the middle of something. If it's not working without running away with your tail between your legs. And simply by listening to words, you can't gauge what the right amount for your partner is. It takes practice, experimentation communication, and a lot of presence.
Speaker 0 00:12:23 And then when it comes to sex, there are very few right and wrong answers across the board. Obviously something globally wrong would be to hurt somebody or take advantage of them emotionally or physically. And a right answer is to have some sort of positive experience. But all of the subtlety in between can apply to some and not to others. I come across all the time. For example, in my office, women who love, love to be caressed and touched and held and adored. And they like really soft and gentle, caring, intimate touch. And then about 2020 5% of other women come in and they're were just repulsed by it. They want more aggression, more forcefulness. They want more assertiveness, but still not in the way that men think they don't want to be thrown against a wall or made to feel like their life is in danger or in most cases, they don't want to be physically harmed in any way. It's just a different quality of touch. So on the one hand, it's not that there's 50,000 options to choose from, or even 50. It's very simple to figure out, but depending on how you start, you could really turn your partner on or off. So conversations are great. Of course, communication is wonderful. All of this is important when figuring out how to navigate a lifestyle with your partner that is dominant in a healthy way.
Speaker 0 00:13:41 You'll hear me say a few times today. And it bears mentioning, I'm not talking about BDSM. I'm not talking about more extreme lifestyles. I'm not talking about a situation where a woman always wants to feel submissive or subordinate to a man. And the role playing is getting so intense that it's become a lifestyle. This episode, isn't about master and slave Dom and sub having to refer to your master as your master, wearing collars and leashes, or very graphic intensity. All these things exist and they could be great for some couples and there's a place for them. But for the everyday couple, for people who just want to enjoy a healthy, hot, passionate sexual relationship together, it's still very important for men and women to understand what healthy dominance is and how to bring that to the bedroom so that you know, what your partner really wants and craves sometimes.
Speaker 0 00:14:30 And I'd go so far as to say, often women will surprise their partners because what they really want can be more intense or more sexual than what their partner is willing or ready to give. And this is where it gets to be dangerous territory, because I'm not going to get on here and tell you that all women want this, or all women want that. But the ones who do really, really want and crave that intensity and often anything less is unacceptable. And then very clearly the ones who don't want nothing to do with that more intense lifestyle. So no one's trying to take away a woman's right to decide or to choose what is, or is not best for her. We're not trying to be arrogant and cocky and tell her what to do in a condescending way. And we're certainly not trying to be disrespectful or physically harm her.
Speaker 0 00:15:16 We're talking about globally, leading, assuming roles of masculinity and engaging with her in a way that's provocative and exciting while maintaining a heart connection, that there might actually be one of the biggest tenants of what I have to teach and offer is having hot, passionate, connected electric experiences while maintaining a heart connection. Interestingly, I think oftentimes it comes down to roles. And when you properly assume yours, you'll notice that a woman naturally assumes hers. A woman often feels best when she's in her feminine, when she can relax when she can let go, when she doesn't have to think. And when things are just taken care of for her men often shine and do their best when they can lead an experience and give these type of pleasures to women. Even though I am the first to say, I very much think a man's pleasure and a man's desires are very important as well since good men's desires seem to get swept under the rug so often.
Speaker 0 00:16:17 And so often men want to have sex when the mood strikes, when they're suddenly in the mood, when they have a free moment, they think sex, and then it should happen. Let's just get our clothes off as quickly as possible and do it. So it occurs to men. They walk over to their partner, tug on their shoulder and they feel, think, and expect them to be ready for it as well. But actually excitement, seduction arousals starts at a very different place. It starts every day, early on in the day, not just at the moment that you want to be sexual to me, that's what true foreplay is about doing things that excite and turn on your partner all throughout the day so that it doesn't feel like such a big leap when it's time to be intimate at night or the next time you do it.
Speaker 0 00:17:05 We've read for years and silly magazines at foreplay's about throwing rose petals into the bathtub, massaging your partner for an hour and a half, taking her on wonderfully elaborate dates, surprising and delighting her with gifts. Well, much to a woman's chagrin, as much as she would enjoy these things. And they are great. And it's wonderful to spoil a partner once in a while. And that should go both directions by the way. It is not the thing that is going to excite her and get her wet and ready for sex. Just look at all the sugar babies today who happily get taken out to the nicest restaurants. Did I hear salt bay with zero intention of becoming sexual? In fact, don't women hate it when sex is expected after a wonderful date. Yes they do, though. It doesn't really make sense that foreplay is taking her to the nicest restaurants, buying her, the nicest chocolates with an expectation that she's going to get horny and aroused for you.
Speaker 0 00:17:58 Yes. Okay. Everybody follows. So sexual foreplay can be much more specific. It can be subtle things like the way that you press your lips against hers. When you say goodbye or the intense eye contact that you give her leading up to a hug or a kiss or some form of intimate touch or not being afraid to have and make eye contact during sex and every moment before as well, it can be your presence. Listening to her, truly present with eye contact in close proximity with your hands, perhaps somewhere on her, or perhaps just attentively taking a genuine interest in what she has to say. It could be cuddling, cooking a meal together, doing something that doesn't include the use of screens, or if it does, there's some warm, embraces and caressing. I frankly have a hunch that either most men are intimidated by women, or they don't have a lot of respect for them.
Speaker 0 00:18:54 And this comes out in lack of I contact lack of eye contact during sex, leading up to it, initiating talking, communicating what absolutely blows my mind is how few men actually look their partners in the eyes during sex lovingly respectfully, or in an aroused way, not with aggression or anger or what have you, you know, sex. Isn't a confrontation. It's not a fight. It's not the same feeling. When two men are six inches from each other, staring each other in the eyes, rather looking in your partner's eyes, lets her know where you are with. You're thinking how you feeling, where your confidence level is because she's seeing that whether you like it or not, she sees how confident you are when you look down or look away or she's too shy and passive. And she just looks up to get a glance at you. And you're not looking at her.
Speaker 0 00:19:46 It all reads, but again, with seduction or foreplay or dominant intimacy, how do you come home? Do you announce like I'm home or is there some intention? Do you go find your partner? Do you draw her to you? Do you look her in the eyes and give her kisses and hugs and places that she likes by the way, many men continue to do things that annoy and piss off your partner. Even though she's told you multiple times not to do it like being grabbed or touching her face when she's wearing gobs and gobs and makeup or being childish and boyish, you're always swatting your hands in front of her being too firm or heavy handed or slapping her butt or whatever it is. If it's not something that's pleasing, you're not winning the dominance game by doing it anyway because you want to, but back to eye contact, it's one of the most essential parts of sexual interaction. So often I noticed that when men are being sexual with their partners, they're looking at what they're doing, um, as if it requires focus. So if they're caressing her arm or her stomach or hip they're staring down at it and almost never looking back up to their partner, their partner, the woman is almost always looking in his eyes, but he's checked out and he's somewhere else. The simple shift from not looking at what you're doing, like it's fine porcelain and requires your undivided attention and putting your attention on her will shift everything.
Speaker 0 00:21:12 And then moving back to some foreplay ideas, it could be intimate or romantic texts during the day. I don't mean Dick pics, but if you like your body or she does, it certainly could be suggestive. It could be some PEX or some abs. It could be some booty. It could be letting her know that you're thinking about her or what you're excited to do to her or how you love kissing her or how you love her beautiful little feet, compliments, photographs, or videos of yourself, a digital touch message, a handwritten message. All of these things can build excitement throughout the day. Especially if you're telling her what you want to do to her, what you want to do with her exciting sexual expectations that you may have for later on that evening, all of this builds her up, warms her up and leads to healthy, intimate sexual interactions. You're building an experience that you can repeat regularly rather than a one-time isolated event to satisfy some needs. Get it.
Speaker 0 00:22:07 So we were talking earlier about how you give something to someone that, you know, they want because they've voiced it, but they don't know how to ask for it. They don't want to ask for it. They don't want to teach you how to do it. And oh, by the way, they can't explain it. They just know what it feels like when it's done properly. And let's not forget if you ask them to show you, then it feels awkward, weak or strange. So while a woman may not be able to explain to you exactly what she wants or how she wants it, she certainly can tell you what she doesn't want. And doesn't like once again, not particularly useful to a man self-esteem and a woman's responses can be really offensive and really condescending towards men. When you're about to be intimate or sexual with a woman.
Speaker 0 00:22:46 It's rare that she just outright blurts out. Hey, can you be more dominant, aggressive, or more manly with me, please? You might hear about it in her dating profile. You might hear her talk casually about it in a car conversation. Like I need someone who can handle me or keep up with me or who knows how to deal with me or who knows how to put me in my place. Sometimes these are markers of women who want to be treated a little more assertively or with dominant masculine presence. Maybe things like I like to be told what to do, or I like to be thrown around or checks, balances and tests like you couldn't handle me or you couldn't keep up with me. Or I intimidate men. That's a big one, but she definitely knows what turns her off. And what's off putting and men. When you hear these things, these are your signposts for what to look for and how to improve. This is a very elusive subject. It's difficult to talk about. It's difficult to talk about with women. It's difficult to figure out even what your own partner likes. And doesn't like, she will often say two things. One I don't know, or it depends.
Speaker 0 00:23:52 Or she might criticize the things that you aren't doing, right? And so when that's all the information that you're getting, you have to know how to handle it. How do you handle it? You do the opposite of what's creating the negative effect or you keep trying different things. Look, rejection is rough for everyone. No one likes it. Women are terrified of it. As men, we have to deal with it on a constant daily basis. One of the ways you can successfully interact with your partner is to start to think about your interactions. Like a curious experiment. Instead of if I'm going to get rejected, what a disaster it's going to be. If she's going to be in the mood, I never know how to approach her. I never know what to do. I get really discouraged when I try over and over and don't get the results that I want.
Speaker 0 00:24:38 Rather try looking at your real time efforts as playful attempts and experiments and not saying, make your woman and experiment. I'm just saying experiment with what you are doing with her, how you're saying it, the tone in which you say at the speed, the intensity, the playfulness, the assertion, the dominance. So many different ways you can play now careful here, because I'm also using the word play and by play, I do not mean behaving like Adam Sandler cracking a lot of jokes, pretending you might be interested, but just kidding. Just kidding. So you can pull back. You want to think of being more assertive, defined, and intentional in your choices, directional, masculine in your presence. If you want to do this correctly, but it can be a playful thing for you. And there's always room for levity. Of course, of course. If your partner is smiling and laughing, this is a very good thing.
Speaker 0 00:25:29 You don't want to take things too seriously and you don't want to be so lighthearted that you're always cracking jokes and everything is sarcastic or playful all the time. So what I think most men are actually missing is something I like to call deep listening. It's this ability to read your partner, her micro-expressions and microaggressions her body language and eye contact and understand what it all means just by watching her not glaring at her and women are much more subtle. So it's not super easy. Think of it as an ability to perceive what's going on without having to ask about it, talk about it or check in about it. It's being observant. It's noticing things around you taking in what's going on. What's the mood and vibe and energetic of the room, her day, her energy. And you do all of this first and foremost to keep her safe.
Speaker 0 00:26:21 You know, it's funny. Most women think men are simple, but we actually have to keep track of an enormous, enormous amount of things to give you an incredible sexual experience takes a lot of intelligence, emotional intelligence, presence, forethought, and insight to plan the ability to be spontaneous and stay relaxed. And if something unexpected happens or you get, or even start acting a little crazy, we got to keep it cool. When I used to do partner dancing, I was marveled at how many things the lead has to be aware of. It's not just challenging to keep track of dance steps on your own, but you have to be aware of your partner's body. Exactly what foot they're on, where they're stepping the atmosphere around them, the vibe of the music, playing people around you so that you don't bump into them. Making sure she can still shine, making sure she feels safe, feeling confident in yourself to make sure you have a good time.
Speaker 0 00:27:13 That is a lot to manage. Women. Often take credit for being able to multitask, but essential experiences, the multitask of a lifetime. Well, you want to make sure you avoid. And what dominance is not about is absolutely obliterating her thoughts and ideas or any option for her to have choice or speak. Her mind has room for that. It has room for an exchange of conversation and desires and even playfulness, you know, think for a moment about two different scenarios. Number one, you're having sex with a woman, your way you're hitting it hard and it's aggressive and assertive and dominant and rough. And you're just doing what you want. Just giving it to her over and over and over again, to use the use vernacular. You're banging her out, twisting her out, railing her, pounding her, but she's just there taking it and option B. You're having sex with her and you're moving and you're confident, but your body's listening to how her body responds and moves.
Speaker 0 00:28:13 It's moving with her and it has space to feel her subtle, pelvic tilts, eye gazes, et cetera, which do you think is more dominant? Well, you're certainly going to have better results with the second one. So you use your eyes, your ears, your heart, especially your heart and your positive energy. If you're a constant approach for your partner is to Bumble over to her smile sheepishly and say, hi, really gently. And then she says, hi back, and you have this very cute thing going, which I have done occasionally with my partner from time to time in the past, it can be very nice, but it tends to very quickly fizzle out the sexual energy, especially if you're just reaching out and rubbing her arms on the outside, sweet highs are cuddly, safe, kind energy. I'm going to flat out say it. Women want to be excited, aroused, seduced, taken on an adventure, taken on an experience.
Speaker 0 00:29:11 They want their emotions to spike. They want to feel like they don't have to think about it. They want to feel like it just happened naturally. And if you're very, very kind and sweet and you're always checking in and you're making sure everything is peaceful and okay, these types of emotions are the complete opposite of excitement. Now, if you're dealing with a lot of trauma or you've been sexually abused and you don't want surprises, you don't want your partner to do anything too assertive like that. That's definitely something to be communicated. And you may be in a relationship where you don't want those types of things to happen. And let me state the obvious. It's always, always okay to say no, it's always okay to stop something or slow something down in the middle of an experience and express what's going on. You don't have to worry about ruining a moment.
Speaker 0 00:29:56 If you're uncomfortable, no one should have to endure something that's very painful or uncomfortable. However, almost unanimously and almost every single woman who comes through my door is looking for that rush of excitement from their partner. Without having to talk about it, explain it or ask for it. Now the extreme side of dominance, the shadow side of dominance, if you will, is not attractive. Either being overly aggressive, hyper confident, arrogant, pummeling, steamrolling, without listening or feeling into what she might be saying or feeling posturing around, trying to be alpha. Jesus Christ. If I hear this expression one more time about out alpha in someone or being alpha or believing that you're alpha or thinking that you're alpha. Now women believe that their alpha, honestly, friends, you can have an incredible sexual experience without ever mentioning this word without ever thinking about it. And without ever trying to embody this alpha frame, that is so pervasive right now on the internet.
Speaker 0 00:30:57 Even the most professional guys who do these YouTube videos and teach programs and whatnot, there's still something missing from their alpha technique. And that's heart compassion, caring for their actual partner, recognizing them as, and seeing them as a human being. That's what actually brings out her softness. That's what helps her open up more, not just getting Dick down, not just getting railed, not just getting pounded or being really rough. It's caring for her safety and that masculine energy of being a protector. That kind of masculinity when you care for her wellbeing is what opens her right up. These methods that I'm teaching you, these methods ensure that your responses don't feel so cold and heartless, and also keep you out of trouble, which is imperative. So more examples of what not to do to not take these clips out of context. What not to do would be being overly demanding.
Speaker 0 00:31:55 Get over here, sit down, get on your knees. This kind of angry, disrespectful tone that actually comes from a place of resentment, anger or disrespect. Oftentimes men disrespect their partner because that's the only way they can imagine treating them in a healthy, dominant way. Other times, men lose respect for their partners because they think, why would someone want to be treated this way? And this way in their mind is poorly rather than understanding what the dynamic really is. What's the big difference. What's the missing ingredient that almost all men seem to be missing. Once again, you do it with love. You put your heart into it. You're present with her. You actually care about her experience. You don't become and callous and cruel and mean you stay present and loving. And that's the secret combination.
Speaker 0 00:32:46 If you came over to your partner, stood in front of her and just glared at her in the eyes now with an evil, angry look, but with a bit of a smoldering look or you slowly looked her up and down, or you look down at her mouth and then back up at her lips or you bit your lip, or you winked at her, or you just locked eyes and stared at each other without breaking tension, or you reach out and you put your hand on her waist or her hip. And you just look into her eyes for three long seconds. 1, 2, 3, before you actually say something, you're going to get a very different response from your partner that you may have never seen before. You're actually going to have her attention. It'll actually be time to make another move. You will have built up some tension.
Speaker 0 00:33:35 You will have created chemistry from nothing for further details on that. See the episode with that namesake. But what I want you to start looking for are your partner's positive and negative responses. And these shouldn't be huge overt reactions. That's a really strong, negative reaction. You're definitely doing something wrong. What you're probably used to and not reading because it happens so much is she's withdrawing slightly. She's pulling back, she's pulling away energetically or turning her head or changing the subject or doing things to minimize sweep under the rug, what you're doing or to move on from it because it's weird. Maybe you're taking too long. Maybe you're not doing it enough. Maybe you're moving too quickly and too sharp. Now you might say to yourself, Ooh, but this isn't me. I don't want to act. It doesn't feel natural for me to be more dominant or present assertive or aggressive.
Speaker 0 00:34:25 Well, does it feel natural to you to always Bumble on over to her, to always just smile sheepishly or in one particular way to get uncomfortable and fidget when you actually make some eye contact to avoid eye contact entirely and only glance at her once in a while, but stare at what you're doing when you're touching her to always just be sweet, shy, bashful, and quiet. I don't think so. Have you ever been angry at work? Have you ever been frustrated or excited or enthusiastic? All of these are different energetic vibrations that we all have. It's simply different emotions presented at different levels of intensity. We all have emotions, emotions are energy. And you being able to shift your energy and dynamically shift your emotion. When you interact with her on a real-time basis quickly to read her and interact with her allows for a more playful and fluid experience.
Speaker 0 00:35:19 That is what I mean. When I talk about healthy dominance, listen, friends have fully expressed. Sexually awakened woman is engaged with you all the time with eye contact with her breath, with her body she's available and receptive and giving herself to you. You're looking for markers like this notice. However, I did not say anything about acting or pretending or pretending like you're someone else or being something that you're not or exaggerating in an extreme way or being disrespectful or rude or inconsiderate. A lot of guys get hung up on this idea of acting and they don't want to be inauthentic to which I say again, are you always only one temperature? Do you only exhibit one emotion, calm, cold. Cool, distant. Do you suck? Are you a dial tone? Do you not have a range of emotion? If you get excited when you play a video game or make a hole in one in golf or jump into a cold ocean, or you just always blahzay and neutral? No. No. So don't be afraid to express a range of emotion without having to go to extremes. It's just bumping it up a little bit and using a few cues that you're learning in these episodes to get you ready for action. Okay. Before we move on to the next section, I want to invite you to explore your own definition of what being dominant actually is. What does being dominant mean to you?
Speaker 0 00:36:48 It is my dominant belief that most men and women are running around thinking that being dominant and aggressive has a very negative connotation. Most people believe it's being chauvinistically masochistic, misogynistic, cold, distant, heartless, rude, dismissive, condescending, rough and steamrolling. When it comes to sex and sensual interactions and frankly, particularly disrespectful or unloving or unkind to your partner, because most likely you've never actually stopped to think about what being dominant means. We all have these very negative connotations. Just like if I say BDSM, where does your mind go? Someone dressed in all black with a ball gag. It's always the ball gag with you. People. Rather, what I want to propose to you today is that most women, many women want and crave a man to be dominant, decisive forward, aggressive, assertive, all of these words, which are taboo, but I'm talking about in the right way, a healthy way that awakens her and excites her and keeps her turned on for you.
Speaker 0 00:37:52 Now, everybody talks about the right way and the wrong way. But in this episode, you're going to understand what that actually is, what the things are that you can do that are different from your old belief system, from society's definition about what being dominant means. Being able to translate that into your own version of it that is effective with your partner who may crave this style of behavior from you to understand what dominance is. We have to also understand what it isn't. We've got to get rid of a few ideas. Let's let go of the idea that it's about bossing her around in a way that you're telling her what she needs to do for you while she gets little or no value from it. Let's get rid of the idea that she should just bend to your every whim because you're the man. And she's the woman.
Speaker 0 00:38:38 Let's lose the idea that if you enjoy using phrases like pump and dump, bro, that you're really not going to get anywhere with anyone. And then you also have to know that she's not going to do what you want. If she doesn't respect you, because respect is the cornerstone of allowing someone, the privilege of dominating you in a healthy way. Here's what else dominance is not. It's not something you should do because you think you should. It's not something you should do. If you can't remain calm or patient or understanding, or with your heart in the right place, it's not for you. If you dislike women, it's not about holding a fist full of hair and banging her out so aggressively until she squeaks out an orgasm. It's not about doing it because you've watched some porn. And so therefore it looks like you should do this because that's what other men do.
Speaker 0 00:39:21 Or because you think chicks dig it. It's not about being impatient and expecting her to move at your speed at your level and to open up just because you're ready to do so. It's not about doing a couple quick things to excite her and then expect that that works every time or is going to get you through the week because you've done a few minutes of foreplay once, because as much as her submitting to you is given anyone in the submissive role, always has the right to call a full stop. And then the whole thing is done. And there's such an enormous difference. Interacting with a man who thinks he's handling you or is doing one or two sexual things to exert dominance, or has a few moves or tricks up his sleeve versus being with a truly healthy, dominant man. It's something that you have to embody.
Speaker 0 00:40:06 And it's something that you have to be. And that comes with time, practice and experience and those things, aren't a given. They don't come easily and they don't come after a day or a week or a month. It's not something you read, not something you talk about all the time with your friends, but something that you do and live in order to give someone an experience like this. You have to have a big enough. Why not? D why would you want to do this? Why would you want to become different than the nice kind, loving, sweet guy that you are? And remember, it's not about squelching your other personality traits. It's not about becoming different permanently. Being a kind loving person has value. It has a time and place, but it's not all the time. Most men hold on. So tightly and so strongly to their nice guy, persona or personality, because they don't want to be rude or mean they don't want to hurt their partner.
Speaker 0 00:41:01 They don't want to be seen in a bad light and they don't want to cause any harm to a woman. All good things by the way. But they often also don't actually want to be dominant. This feels like a stress to many men. This feels like an irritant or a challenge that they don't really feel like overcoming something they should do or maybe ought to do, but really don't know how to go about doing it, or don't have a desire to do it. But gentlemen who are listening, what I think you'll come around to see is that being that way can become very attractive to everyone around you, family, yourself, your partner, being more assertive, more decisive, more able to know what you want and lead a situation while taking into consideration the wants and needs of others. And then what makes it perfect is when you blend that with the loving kind man who you already are expressing yourself in a more assertive or aggressive way while maintaining connection with your partner is one of the most perfect recipes you can have when interacting with your lady.
Speaker 0 00:42:01 Still, even if this sounds appealing and delicious, and your woman is listening to it and she's like, yes, babe, I want this. Give this to me still. It might be difficult for you to wrap your brain around it. Why what I see time and time again from the countless men who have walked through my office doors is that they believe consciously or subconsciously that in order to be dominant, they have to embody these negative qualities we've been talking about in the beginning of the episode. And this is why I asked you what your working definition of dominance is because most people default to the ugly things like being rude, condescending, arrogant, dismissive, respectful, cold heartless, only thinking about yourself, commanding someone around the room like they're an animal. And the fact of the matter is most people run around believing that this is how you do it.
Speaker 0 00:42:49 When in fact you shouldn't even treat animals this way. So your other personality traits can still shine through. You can still be awesome. You can still be kind. You can still have it be authentic and genuine and sincere while taking control in the bedroom and other places throughout the relationship while moving your partner around in a way that pleases you both, whether it's at the small of her back or throwing her over your shoulder or playfully tossing around the bed or showing more authority or demonstrating more confidence. Another way to really get this is to imagine the way you want to be dominant with a woman is the way that someone else treats you in business. Whether it's another man or it's from another female partner, if someone treated you in an ugly, disrespectful, cold, or unconscious way, how would that make you feel? And that's exactly how it would make her feel as well.
Speaker 0 00:43:40 And then think to yourself, would that turn you on? Would it gets you hard? Would it get you excited? Of course not. Yes. Yes. Unless of course you're the high powered executive who makes a ton of money and have a ton of people into your command. And you just want someone to bossy around, tell you what to do and whip you, but for everyone else, what if someone very special created an experience for you where you didn't have to think, you didn't have to decide. You didn't have to do. You didn't have to be on. You could just relax and enjoy. I mean, frankly, it's a little amusing to me, what women enjoy and crave so much is actually something. Everyone should get the opportunity to experience. Men just don't get the opportunity to be served. Very often we work, we provide, we fix, we solve.
Speaker 0 00:44:26 We try to make things right, but very rarely is someone waiting on us and foot or attentively or with consciousness. And patients think about if you've ever been on vacation somewhere tropical, like Hawaii or Tahiti or something, and you have a fine dining experience and you get that waiter or waitress who treats you so well. It's like, you don't even have to worry about a thing. They want to pair the wine and they have recommendations and they're attentive, but not too much. So an everything just goes smoothly. You feel like you're on another planet. That is another way to think of leading and being assertive and being dominant. The waiter didn't slam his fist on the table or slap you around or throw you into the water or any nonsense like that. There weren't antics. There weren't extremes. They guided you. And that's one quality that can be looked at as strong masculine presence.
Speaker 0 00:45:22 And by the way, for women listening, it's beautiful to create an experience for a man where he can get to feel some of these emotions that you're craving so much as well. It can really drive the point home, especially for someone who's conscious and awake and who works really hard to make you feel great. So it's really helpful to imagine that your in your partner's shoes and to sometimes step outside of yourself and look in and imagine what that would be like. Would you like to be bossed around and told what to do in a rude way, by someone with a cold heart who had no interest in your pleasure? Would you like to have someone wagging their finger at you like a dog? Would you like to have someone yell at you in the other room bay, bring me breakfast or go do the dishes?
Speaker 0 00:46:03 No. And to be fair, since I've been giving so many disclaimers about what not to do, there are in fact, people who get off on being treated poorly, and that is an entirely different subject. It's not what I'm addressing here in this podcast, but it is interesting because where some people actually hate this idea. Others really thrive on it and get turned on by it. So to thoroughly drive the point home. Would you ever want someone to speak to you in this way? Bitch, make me dinner, run a bath, get over here, go put something skimpy on and make me some food. These very generic, very aggressive and masochistic ways of being demanding. No, no, you probably wouldn't like that. But tone, intensity and speed means absolutely everything. What if instead you gave her a little smile, some eye contact tone, the aggression way down, you got real quiet and said, why don't you go upstairs and put on something that I like or go put on something that makes you feel really sexy for me right now.
Speaker 0 00:47:06 Or as soon as our friends go home, I want you to close the door, go upstairs and wait for me on the bed naked or pull your hair back into a nice tight ponytail. And I'll meet you in the bedroom in five minutes, come over here and stand in front of me. My love all said with confidence and direct eye contact. Now these examples may not have been for you. They might've made you giggle. They might've aroused you a little bit. They might've made you very curious, but try picking your own words, tone, intensity, and flavor. See what you got. Try recording yourself. Try saying it to a mirror, try saying it to your partner. See how it sounds. If you could find your voice and not do it in a whisper like this, every once in a while, however, you'll come across a woman who is so full of sass and spunk.
Speaker 0 00:47:56 And no one's going to tell her what to do. Maybe she enjoys telling, you know, maybe she enjoys being rebellious. Maybe if you say south, she says north, some people just have a different energy. And granted, all of this is not always going to work on everybody all of the time. However, even someone was spunk. Even someone who's rebellious in the right way, meaning you've experimented with your tone and your intensity and your playfulness or lack thereof will follow suit. As long as it's not egoic, it's not about you trying to get them to do something for you, but you make it genuine. So even someone who's super feisty or super spicy can enjoy being guided and led. Not just once in a while, even most of the time. And part of being dominant can include requests. I want you to do this for me.
Speaker 0 00:48:43 Go do that. Please go put this on. Sit down over here, stand up, turn around, bend over, spread your legs, et cetera, et cetera. Part of it can be issuing commands, but number one, that's not exclusively. What dominance is. And number two, it has to come from a place of love, connection and trust, not just authority and clout. You can force someone into a choice. You can strong arm them or convince them or use authority to get there, but you won't have as nice of an experience. And if it's done from a place of love side note, many couples come into my office and I've noticed that so many women have acquiesced to what their husband wants because they think it's a wifely duty or they want to please him, or they want to make him happy or they want him to be okay. But these women are selling themselves short. In my opinion, sometimes they're giving away a piece of their soul. And so generally after our first session together, I say no more of that. No more of you doing it because your husband wants you to, or because he thinks you should. You want to do it because you feel inspired to, or you want to, which puts the additional challenge or rule or curiosity onto the man to become a better person and treat her in a way that's exciting, not just bending to his whim. That's not dominance.
Speaker 0 00:49:59 When you take away the heart connection. When you take away the love, when you take away the courteousness, when you take away the caring for your partner, that's when you get yourself into a lot of trouble and you notice your behavior becomes heartless, cold, disrespectful, uncaring. That's not what we're going for. Okay. So when couples come in and we do exercises like this with a very willing, very consensual woman who wants to receive this kind of dominant attention from her man, the direction that men often choose as their first way to treat her out the gate is to be cold, demanding an overly aggressive. So to take something very simple, Amanda standing on one side of the room, a woman is on the other and he tells her to come here. He wants her to come over to her. Oftentimes I see men wagging their finger and being very Curt short and snappy, come here, come on, get over here, come over here.
Speaker 0 00:50:54 And there are quickly moving their finger back and forth like an unconscious person talking to their dog, but it becomes very degrading and condescending. This would be a stellar example of what you want to avoid. It also demonstrates a man's discomfort around speaking or being more assertive and more aggressive with their female partner. But even though that comes from a place of insecurity, it often comes off to the woman or anyone listening as being very obnoxious, ruder and considerate in the same way that when a woman is deeply insecure about the way she looks, she might attack the man for not complimenting her, even though she's feeling insecure about how she looks, try to imagine instead, what your woman would actually enjoy. How do you give her an experience? How do you guide her? What would seduce her or entice her or excite her or inspire her to want to move towards you, to want to smile at you, to make her giggle or make her feel giddy or to share herself with you. It's no easy task. And in my opinion, that's why it's absent from most households today because it's just tricky territory. And it makes people feel a whole slew of interesting emotions.
Speaker 0 00:52:08 'cause most nice men. And many of us, if not, most of us are nice men in one way or another, because most nice men who try to be dominant, don't get a favorable result right off the bat. Or the woman gets very alarmed or uncomfortable or insulted or put down the tail goes immediately between the man's legs. And he says, oh my God, I'm never going to try this again. That was embarrassing. He says to himself, I don't want to upset her or hurt her or look stupid. I don't want to try to be this person that I'm not. And then be shown that I'm not, or have it be revealed that I'm not and get even more embarrassed. And so now I just have to go back to being nice and submissive. If you poll most women and you say, look, you have to choose.
Speaker 0 00:52:47 Equality is not an option here who would you want to be in control and in charge of most things, who would you want to be the head of the household? And who would you want to lead in the bedroom? A man who can lead who's assertive, who's charismatic who can be dominant with you, or would you want him to be submissive and a little bit more on the feminine side, succumb to almost any of your whims, whatever you want. It's okay. Gives you what everyone acknowledges, whatever you want, agrees with you all the time. Someone who doesn't really make decisions. Who's wishy-washy we know what the answer is here. And by the way, women would, you prefer a man who is weaker than you, less than you, less strong-willed than you makes less money than you is shorter than you, and is less in shape than you.
Speaker 0 00:53:33 We also know the answer here. It's absolutely not hell no, you won't tolerate it for a second. Even oftentimes, during a hookup, what this means is women want men who are better than them, stronger than them, smarter than them, more capable than them, more respected and well-known than them have higher status are taller, have more physicality about them and numerous other fitness markers that make him better. Absolutely better. Women want this demand, this and crave this, which by default means that he has to in many ways, be better than you, which does not make you both equal. And that is okay. That is as it should be. And that is actually female nature.
Speaker 0 00:54:20 Getting back to dominance and leading though women, as it is already have a great deal of trouble with decisiveness, knowing what to do, where to go, what happens next, what they feel like doing today, what they're in the mood for big life decisions. So being dominant, being decisive, having to think, having to make choices, these aren't things that women want to do in the bedroom, even if she's high powered. And I reference all the time attorneys, physicians, CEOs, I know there are exceptions to the rule. I know there are many women out there who lead very high powered jobs who are incredible at making snap decisions and super intelligent in that way. Nevertheless, in the bedroom, men are almost ubiquitously held to a different standard, a very different standard, a traditional one. Women want to be able to relax and not think and let someone else take the reins.
Speaker 0 00:55:12 Now I know even speaking and hearing these words may feel like dangerous territory for you. So if you're involved with someone, checking with them, have them listen to not just a tiny little clip where you can skew it in your own way, but the whole podcast or a whole section or piece of this podcast, and have a great dialogue about it. See what your partner wants. Here's what's tricky though. If you confront almost any woman and you ask her directly, no matter how nicely or aggressively or assertively, how do you want me to be dominant with you? Very valid and logical and rational question to ask a woman, many women might say I don't, or they might shrug their shoulders or get turned off. Some might even get repulsed, or maybe even begin speaking to you about really undesirable qualities about hyper dominant men or hyper-masculine or toxic men.
Speaker 0 00:56:03 They might begin to tell you things like, I don't want to be told what to do, or I don't want a man who's controlling or who thinks he's all that or who thinks he can do whatever he wants while he controls me. But that's not at all what we're going for. You got to recognize that questions make a difference. If you were to ask something rather foolishly, like, what do you want me to do differently? Or how can I be more? Or how can I be assertive and aggressive? They don't know what to tell you. Men who say, I don't know what to do. Just tell me what you want. I'm trying to help out here. Hey, I want to make it better. Just talk to me. That's not what they're looking for. And so they don't have the right answer, even if they yearn for it, even if they want it.
Speaker 0 00:56:39 And even if it's how previous men have been with them before and they've loved it. Why is that? Well, I suspect that unfortunately, and this is really sad. Even in the asking of it can seem a little weak or not very dominant or masculine. It's like, how do I be more manly by asking a question like that? It presupposes that you're not that way to begin with. And therefore you might be faking it or not authentically doing it if you are. And most women are often repulsed by such things. So for some relationships, it's better to take these things to someone else, to another man who you trust to a book that you trust to another woman who's not involved with you. And of course, I'd be remiss not to say there's something magical about working through these things in a coaching session. It gets pretty incredible results because you can suspend belief for a little while. You can work on becoming more of this way, where the odds and the stakes aren't so high, even though a third party is there because it's not happening alone. And in the bedroom, when both partners suspend judgment and you can come in and play a little bit. Oh my gosh. The magic is unbelievable. You have a breakthrough that you could take home and apply with you that very night.
Speaker 0 00:57:48 Another way you can begin to be more dominant in your relationship is by making small changes to your behavior, not to such an extreme where your partner thinks you're behaving completely ridiculously, not if she's putting you down or insulting you or giggling or laughing at you because you have demonstrated such an extreme change, but you start to become a little more decisive. When you walk towards her. It's a little more intentional, not slow and robotic, not held, and you're not breathing, not so intense and fast that she feels scared that something's flying out at her smooth, cool play with it. When you walk down a hall, I contact making choices and decisions. When she asks, what are you in the mood for? What do you want to eat tonight? Getting a little more involved, a little more certain in your responses and snappier with them.
Speaker 0 00:58:39 For example, if you'd like something done, you're able to ask for it or request it in a confident way. Let's explore a few more verbal examples, both good and bad of all the different ways that you can ask someone to come here, feel the arc of emotion and watch the difference of tone and intensity as we move through these. Come here, get over here. Come on, come here. Come here. Come here. Come here, please. Come over here. Please. Come here. Come over here. Come here. Come here. Come over here. Come here. Come over here. Young lady come over here. Now one of them was out of CBU. Play baby. Come over here for a second. Come here please. Excuse me, miss. I need to see you in accounting. Um, can you, can you come here for a minute, babe? Can you come here, babe? Can you come here for a second?
Speaker 0 00:59:37 Hey, if you have time and you don't mind, can you come here for a second? Come over here, come here, please come over here. Now, babe, come here. Bring me snacks. Come here, lover. I can go on and on. Some of those are going to work perfectly for you and some of them most certainly will not. And women listening, same thing. You can even let your man know which worked. And if none of them worked, maybe you can share a version that you think would. And ladies, I want to constantly encourage you. If I had a megaphone to speak it to all women in the world, I would please for the love of God, stop saying, I don't know, please stop shrugging your shoulders. Please stop giving up or not even thinking about how you would want something. How you'd go about it. What you would like.
Speaker 0 01:00:24 Some women say, I don't know, 30, 50, 70 times a day. I don't know it wasn't me. I don't know what you want me to do. I don't know what I want. I don't know what you wanted to know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to tell you. I didn't make the rules. It's certainly not going to ruin the mood or kill anything because you put some thought into what you wanted and how nice that your partner doesn't have to read your mind, which well, if you read your mind, he'd be able to actually find something, but it's not even on your mind, it's exhausting to hear a woman speak like this. And it's really, really important to know yourself, know thy self, if someone isn't sure about something, but they might be with a little bit of thought, the natural response would be to think about it or contemplate it for a moment, feel into it.
Speaker 0 01:01:05 And then you also don't want to follow it up with phrases. Like it depends, or I have to be in the situation or I have to feel it in the moment or I just can't really picture it right now. You have to understand on some level how unintelligent that makes you sound. So how do you want to be spoken to how do you want to be taken? How do you want to be had, what is a hot, passionate sexual experience look like for you? Do you want your male partner to respect you and honor you and actually give you what you want? Or do you just want to throw your hands in the air saying, I don't know. And he just does whatever he wants to, I guess sometimes that could be fun, but always. So the more you can give your man a concrete answer or help him understand what you might be thinking or wanting, the more it's going to be instrumental in moving your relationship to a better place.
Speaker 0 01:01:47 If you would actually like him to be less submissive, less feminine, a less passive, less wishy washing and more passionate, more Gusto, more, more assertive. Yeah. So healthy dominance means that your behavior is exciting arousing and a sexual turn on for her. Does your woman want this? What are some questions you can ask to find out if your partner would like to see a different side of you? Would you say, babe, do you think I should be more dominant while you're looking down at the and kicking a tire or, Hey, my love, what do you think of a man who knows what he wants? Goes after it and gets it? Do you like leadership in a man? What are some qualities you respect and admire and a guide? Do you like a go getter? Do you like someone who tells you what to do? Do you like to be told what to do in a playful or fun way?
Speaker 0 01:02:36 Do you like to be told what to do in an aggressive or assertive way? Do you like to not think in the bedroom, do you like to not have to lead the sexual experience and tell a man what to do and where to put, what do you want to be taken on a journey? Do you want to be taken? Do you want to be ravished? Do you want to do all the work in the bedroom? Do you want to be the one who's always on top or who initiates sex or who begins by rubbing up on him, leaning against him, putting your hand on his chest or straddling his thigh. Where do you prefer that he takes care of these things? And then finally what's the difference between how you want to be treated publicly versus behind closed doors and in the bedroom. So these are some of the conversations you can have, but a warning, most women still, even when you ask the right way, it's almost like we don't talk about this. We just want it done. And we want it done in the right way. And we know when you're not doing it in the right way. So we'll chastise you, but just be, just be the guy want you to be there is energy like this in the world around most women. So your best bet is to follow some of the strategies in this podcast. Take it slow, begin to make changes. Notice the response that you get and keep adapting until you get a favorable response.
Speaker 0 01:03:48 You've heard me speak a lot in previous episodes about this idea that women deeply buy into the fantasy of love, seduction and great passionate sex just happening on its own accord, effortlessly and naturally just on its own. No one's trying. No one's calling no one's putting anything anywhere. It just happens. Effortlessly. Women also believe this is how lust occurs. Attraction occurs, wanting to be together, occurs. If it's meant to be, it will be. Let's just see what happens. If we're meant to come back together, it will happen. It's all about say it with me now, ladies, the connection you don't move towards it. You don't try to get it. You don't force it to happen. Don't play games or manipulate or try to connive it into being just happens because it's a connection. And if it's there, it's there and if it's not, it's not.
Speaker 0 01:04:37 And then it can get confusing because women will say, Ooh, I can feel your sexual energy. As soon as you come near me, I feel like you're just wanting sex from me. It should just flow. Naturally. I don't want to feel like you want to have sex with me. Even though you want to have sex with me, it puts too much pressure on me. It feels like you want to have sex. And it's like, well, yeah, the guy does have an intention. He has a desire as well. He does want you, which if you're with this person is a hundred times better than not being desired, not being seen and not wanted. So for all of you women out there who feel this pressure from your guy or you feel as soon as he touches you, that he wants something. Got to understand. There's not a lot of choices here.
Speaker 0 01:05:13 Yes. He can work on that. Yes. He can touch you just to touch you or just to connect with you and build connection throughout the day. So you feel that all he doesn't want is sex, but it's a hell of a lot better than the total absence of him even wanting you, which is not caring at all. The opposite of not being desired is apathy. But most importantly, women, which you got to know is someone has to do something to move the situation forward. If you're going to have sex, or if you're going to do anything for that matter. If you want to go out to dinner, but you want it to happen naturally, and you have no idea about a great restaurant that exists. Someone's got to Google it. Someone's got to look it up. Call, make a reservation, make sure they're open, give you enough time to get ready. Figure out the dress code a lot goes into having a natural experience. Even once you get there, the entire restaurant has to prepare so that it seems like it's effortless and the same thing applies in sex. It's usually a man who has to lead the situation for you to feel like it's happening naturally.
Speaker 0 01:06:17 Unfortunately, the way most men initiate or begin sexual interactions these days is in a not so dominant way or a very undesirable or unattractive way that women find repulsive. Often the only tools that men think they have when it comes time to having sex with their partner is by asking for it, nudging for it, reminding girls of it or hinting at it. What's more, some men treat their ladies or their wives like little girls are like dolls kissing them on the forehead or on the cheek or rubbing on their shoulder or being just overall gentle and sweet. All of which, not very masculine, not very dominant and not very likely to lead to sex much less great sex. Now what's interesting in today's culture of consent and asking permission and really trying to tune into the feminine to make sure it's okay to proceed forward.
Speaker 0 01:07:10 It flies right in the face of female nature. For most women who do not want to be asked, they do not want to show. They don't want someone to ask permission. Of course, all of this depends on where you are in your relationship, right? Obviously you meet someone at a bar on the beach. You're going to be far more, maybe reticent or hesitant to do something or move forward with someone without asking if you can or trying it slowly. But when you're involved with your partner, when you're in a marriage or relationship, here's where it gets really interesting because do you know if she wants you to ask for consent regularly? If she doesn't? Does she understand that? What that means is she's asking for you to take and give as you desire, where are the limits? Is there a safe word? How do you keep things from going too far?
Speaker 0 01:07:57 How do you keep your partner safe through all interactions? I think that's the most important thing. Keeping her safe, safe from harm, emotional and physical, both from other people and yourself. Then it can become about both of your physical wellbeing. Everybody has uncomfortable moments, everything, a little uneasy or unsure once in a while. It's not your responsibility to make sure she's a hundred percent perfectly comfortable at every single moment. That's impossible. So to say it differently in a little more clearly, a lot of women dislike the very things that have created this consent based culture. They like excitement, novelty, newness, surprises, things happening, unexpectedly things happening, unexpectedly, novelty, newness, and surprises. None of these things happen when you tell someone what you're going to do or ask them if you can do it before you do it now, please hear me. Clearly. I'm not suggesting this is how you need to be, but I'm very clearly spelling out female nature.
Speaker 0 01:08:57 The idea of being taken or being taken on a journey or feeling the excitement and Swoon from novel adventure. Of course, it's always important to know what the boundaries are and to know what will, and won't make your partner feel uncomfortable, but constantly asking them Facebook posts that say things like he tried to kiss me without asking my permission. So emotions and feelings and things like excitement, adventures, spontaneity, newness, novelty, none of those things sound like, excuse me, do you think it might be a right if I place my hand on your breast? Even if some women like this and prefer this. So it's really important to find out what kind of girl you're with. So check in with her about how she enjoys being initiated with really try to get to the bottom of it. And what's the truth. As she just saying that for you, do you think she's been different in other relationships and women?
Speaker 0 01:09:51 If you're listening, are you faking it? Are you being one way with one man, because you think he's more conservative, whereas you're more free and excitable and loose with others, men, it may turn out that you're with a woman. Who's the exception to the rule. She wants to talk about absolutely everything. Maybe she's willing to break it down. And she wants to dissect every single little detail verbally before engaging in something from research. However, in the countless experiences that I've had with couples in my office, when it comes to female nature, women generally do not want to talk about it. They may want to talk about it to their girlfriends. They may want to chit chat about it or think about it, but they don't want to have to explain what they want, explore what they want, or even figure out what they want. They want it to be taken care of for them, which by the way, I don't think sounds very empowering.
Speaker 0 01:10:39 This is not how I would want things to be. I would hope that whoever you are that you know what you want, you know how to express it. And you, you have a sense of where you want things to go without feeling turned off and less horny just because you have now expressed it or spoken it. I wish I could say I've come across several women who say, I know exactly what I want. I know how I like it. I know it works. I know my body well enough. And I'm willing to explain this, teach this and show this to my male partner. Often the best men get is it depends. I think it would be great for men to come across women who are like, look, here's what I like. Here's what I love. Here's how to get there. And I'm happy to show you in a loving, considerate way.
Speaker 0 01:11:24 I'll be patient. I don't mind showing him how I even don't mind verbally explaining the steps in the heat of a moment. Even if it's too rough or too soft, or he hits all the wrong spots. I'm super calm and patient and chill about edges. Gently guide him back to the right spot. Oh, and by the way, I'm not condescending or rude or short or cold. I can explain it just the way a good teacher would. Just the way you'd want to learn it. Please show me, show me the money. Most of the time women get grossed out, put out dejected, or they even feel rejected or dejected themselves or extremely insecure. And then the insecurity transforms itself into nasty, rude comments. Sometimes even they feel almost humiliated that they should have to show a man how to do something like this. The real man.
Speaker 0 01:12:09 Now, who am I? Why would I have to explain this to a real man? I only attract a certain caliber of man, but there's such a better way of going about it. It's called a workshopping it and it could be so much fun. It could be exciting and playful and you can learn things about one another workshopping. It means you take away the guilt and the judgment and the seriousness of it all. And you play with in this case, dominance or assertion or decision-making or requests or whatever it is in a contained space, whether it's in a session with me, for example, or even on your own at home and you try it again and again and again, until it gets a desired result. So in order to be dominant, you have to know both where you're going and where you want to take her, what outcome you want.
Speaker 0 01:12:56 And you've got to care for your partner's needs as well as looking out for your own so that you can sustain excitement throughout the whole experience and caring for your partner's needs, takes a good deal of awareness, consciousness, presence. It's kind of like if you've ever done any partner dancing, you've gotta be ahead of the game. Thinking three steps ahead, knowing what you're going to do next, keeping an eye on the entire room are people about to bump into you? How do you keep her safe and whisk her in a different direction? Even if it seems to her like the dance or the sexual experience is flowing, you know that inside of you, there's some calculation on what you want to do next or you're so darn good at it that it just flows out of you naturally, because you've done it so much. Finally, as we start to wrap this episode up being dominant does not mean that you care less about your partner.
Speaker 0 01:13:47 It doesn't mean that you treat them poorly. It doesn't mean that you don't respect them. It doesn't mean that you're better than them. It doesn't mean you tell them what to do, just because you said, so it also doesn't mean just banging them really, really hard and intensely and flipping them through several positions. That's one tiny little aspect of being dominant and aggressive and not everyone likes that. To me, it's about understanding your partner's wants and needs sometimes even better than they understand it themselves. And then you provide them with an experience that's exciting and arousing and enticing for both of you specifically, because she doesn't know what's going to happen. She doesn't know where it's going to go or how it's going to unfold, but she feels safe. She trusts you and you're patient enough where she can open herself up to you where she can really relax and let go. And especially if you're not so penetration focused or exclusively about being inside of her, you can electrify her in many different ways. You can take her on a journey that to me, along with intensity and really great eye contact, having your heart in the right place with just a little bit of playfulness is what it's all about.
Speaker 0 01:14:58 Many clients I see are married or married with children. And when that happens, if you ask a woman what she wants, what would turn her on, what would get her wet? What would excite her? Sometimes you hear really unexpected and interesting responses like doing some housework, getting chores done, helping out around the house, taking out the trash, taking things off her plate, not playing video games, lessening her load, focusing on his career, getting his money, right? These sort of very non intimate non-sexual desires and requests. And those things are all fine and great. They're effective. They do help a woman feel more comfortable and more receptive towards intimacy. But ladies pick your favorite dreamboat guy, actor, singer dancer, whoever, I don't know. Leonardo George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Justin Bieber, some rapper with fake teeth, especially if it's a rapper or R and B performer. Let's take Chris brown.
Speaker 0 01:15:52 For example, if one of these guys walk through your door right now, would you hold them to the same standard? If they came to your house and wanted to have sex with you right away, would you be like, you know, I just don't think I could get wet for you. If you don't run a bath for the kids or help me with the vacuuming. You know, I think I'd feel a little more receptive to your touch and your overtures. If you help me cook dinner tonight, you know what? Young Brad Pitt from fight club circa 1998. I don't really think I'm getting wet yet because you haven't really listened to my day or spoken to me or I wasn't really happy about what you said to the kids earlier. I certainly haven't received any friendly texts from you and you haven't really touched me all day and Beebs. You know, you really haven't done enough around the house to make me feel like you deserve it. Would you hold back ladies with your top celebrity crush or would you just let that person do whatever they wanted with you?
Speaker 0 01:16:43 Having true connection with your partner is paramount. Helping them around the house is huge. Once you have a family, it does work, but there are definitely other ways that can light a fire much more quickly. In the case of these celebrities, it has to do with status and clout, where your partner almost instantly surrenders all of her power and demands. Everything goes out the window and it's just, yes, whatever you want. Oftentimes you'll see women become more submissive than no have been done at all. So why do you think that is? Why is it that one man will have expectations put on him? Women will hold back sex or say, they're not in the mood for it. Unless X, Y, and Z extraneous things are done and another man can walk in the room and they're ready to give it up for free. If your partner is willing to say, I wouldn't make this person do anything, they wouldn't have to work for it.
Speaker 0 01:17:30 They wouldn't have to beg for it. They wouldn't have to take care of the house or the kids or anything else. I would just have a hot romantic experience. This tells you that there's a different type of override going on in their brain. A different switch is being flipped. And the point of all this is that you can do the same exact thing with healthiest assertion, masculine presence, and healthy dominance, understanding the intensity and the passionate level that your partner responds well to is paramount to having great sex. Are they the kind of person who likes to be built up from a soft, gentle, slow initiation? Is your partner like to be kissed? And is that how they always like to start? Do you always initiate with your partner by putting your hands on the sides of their arms, rubbing them and making a sheepish grin like, Hmm.
Speaker 0 01:18:29 Now I personally have been with women who do in fact respond to very, very, very delicate touch, gentle smiles, the smile, oh, they see your smile and they just warm right up and you melt them because you're sincere in your authentic. Listen, it's beautiful. I love that. But nonetheless, you'll still have to do some form of leading or guiding to get from point a to point B. Somebody's got to do something. And so many men are waiting on their women to do it, or they're bitter angry and resentful that they have to do all the work. Why can't she do it? But they don't ever make the move or even worse. Sometimes their attempts come off in anger and then the woman doesn't want to respond at all. And so friends, this is female nature. Most women, most we know there are exceptions, but most don't want to think about steps and tutorials and things that turn them on and asking if it's okay and having to answer 20 questions during sex.
Speaker 0 01:19:25 You know, even if you dress up a beautiful woman as a man and you have her go to bars and try to initiate with guys, she is lost. She doesn't know what to do, how to open, how to lead, how to move things forward. It just doesn't come naturally for most women in the bedroom. So listen, if you are a woman who's aggressive and assertive and dominant, and you're with a guy who loves for you initiate by all means have at it. If you're a woman listening and you think that initiation by the woman should happen 50, 60, 70% of the time, but then stopping you from initiating. As often as you like you be the Dom in the relationship, you be the leader, you be the initiator when it comes to sex, but just know that you're the exception, not the norm. And the big reason I'm making this episode is because most do not want to be in that position.
Speaker 0 01:20:09 Long-term good. So we've covered a lot of territory in a surprisingly brief period of time. I want to leave you with a few final master tips that you can apply as early as right now with your partner. Number one, if you're skeptical, if you're on the fence, if you're not sure how to change or how to make a difference in how you interact with your partner, start small, no need to pretend. You're a big, confident, strong, powerful gorilla juice head. She's not going to like that. Anyway, if this change is too sudden, no need to go to extremes. Subtlety is great, but you also have to know number two. And that is, if you start trying to do these things and they are so subtle that they are barely perceptible to your female partner. And then most of the time you're still acting passive or too soft or too kind or too gentle.
Speaker 0 01:20:58 Again, not saying those things are bad things, but an overabundance of anything can be annoying to anyone what's going to happen is she's not going to notice it. Even if you're in session and you're working on this with me. If the baby steps are too baby, like if they're too small, it goes right under her radar because all sweetness and kindness and gentleness falls under one umbrella and dominance assertion and confidence and charisma, it kind of falls under another. And so you really want to make a big enough effort so that she can actually feel the difference. Another interesting point to note is that if you have someone who's very sexual, for instance, your female partner, and you're not as sexual or not as aggressive your efforts, your attempts, your trying to do things right, are going to appear much smaller to her and much larger to you because it's a really big step for you to come outside of your box.
Speaker 0 01:21:54 But for her, it still looks like the same old you. So just things to keep in mind when you're playing with levels of intensity. And then finally, you've got to be consistent. If you have one great meal in a restaurant and you go back 10 more times and it's rotten, that restaurant will never survive. If you try something once or twice, it seems like a fluke or an accident, or maybe just a really good day for you and your partner. If you begin to be consistent and make it a habit, it will just become the normal way that things are in the household. So what are some things that aren't difficult to tackle, but can actually be noticed and felt by your female partner? You can try holding eye contact a little bit longer. You could try not breaking eye contact until she does, but don't forget to blink.
Speaker 0 01:22:38 You can try not laughing or giggling or smiling when you're in her presence. You could try not laughing, giggling or grinning when you initiate with her, or you're trying to be sexy together. Look at her a little more sternly. Yes. Sternly, not in an angry or violent way. Not in a way that you want to hurt her in any way, shape or form. Just with intensity. You can try not filling the room with words, anytime things go silent and just look at her. You can allow pregnant pauses to build and blossom a little bit. You can put your hands on her lower back or on her hips and lead her, or guide her to some other part of the room. You can take her hand and bring her somewhere. You can put her hand somewhere on your body. You can make a request for her to bring you something or do something for you.
Speaker 0 01:23:21 And you can try saying things with a little more certainty and authority. All of these things can help lean you in the direction of finding a healthy and masculine dominance. And then one extra secret bonus tip, just because you made it this far. See if you could constantly live in the gap between too much focus and not caring at all. What's in the middle of those two things. Where's the perfect balance of two undesirable extremes. When men try to be seductive or sensual, they move way too slow or way too fast. They leap in. They really focus in on what they're doing. Like slowly caressing, a small part of her body like her arm or elbow staring at it. Like it's fine. Porcelain. Instead of looking at her, they just rub a spot over and over again. And it leaves a woman feeling like, what the hell are you doing?
Speaker 0 01:24:11 So intimacy, seduction, healthy dominance. It's not about this really, really intense focus and moving at a snail's pace, extremely slow being in the flow, being sexual, being intimate. It has an energy to it. A vibrance it's adaptable, it's mutable, it's playful, move at a pace that doesn't make yourself feel anxious and doesn't make her feel anxiety, but that's not too slow, focused and intense too slow. Sometimes feels like too careful or too cautious. If you could find the level of speed mixed with intensity while your heart's still in, it you'll get favorable results from your partner. And you'll be light years ahead of the game. Thank you for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode immensely. If you haven't done so already, please consider subscribing to our YouTube
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