Speaker 0 00:00:00 Welcome to the closeness podcast, your new sexual education. My name is Tari. I'm your host. And today we're talking about an unusual subject, deepened, profound life lessons by not using words and expressions that no longer serve us anymore. Things that we tend to say in this new world that we live in that is full of memes, social media stories, quips, euphemisms, and all sorts of expressions that make us seem cool when we use them. But deep down either have a negative effect on our partner ourselves, or just boost our ego or have a negative effect on communication altogether. Now, if this is the first time you're tuning into the show, welcome, you may want to start with a different episode that deals more specifically with sex and intimacy. This is sort of a, a niche category, but if you do stick with me to the end, almost two hours later, there is a very, very special heartfelt chapter.
Speaker 0 00:00:50 How to deal with emotional pain when your partner is being vulnerable with you. And it's concept number 29 and 30. So this episode is a little nuanced and perhaps even a little nitpicky, but important. Nonetheless, that being said, we're going to look at these expressions and phrases because while on the surface, they seem funny, popular commonplace or innocuous or innocent most will have a much more negative effect than you initially think. Plus they can cause stress, resentment, anger, or confusion in your partner, humor, sarcasm wit playfulness, Woody banter. I don't mind it at all. One of my all time, favorite movies is dangerous liaisons the original one, but sarcasm being crass, being overly direct and hypercritical or rude and inconsiderate. This seems to be part and parcel of our society today. It definitely attracts people to one another. It's what many people like I myself can often have a very dry sense of humor.
Speaker 0 00:01:44 And interestingly, even this idea of coolness or being cool is symbolized by being sarcastic, funny, laid back, et cetera. Some people pride themselves so much on being sarcastic that it's a requirement. If you want to date them or have sex with them. Okay, great. I'm all for a great sense of humor. I'm all for not taking life too seriously. And I'm actually all for sarcasm. I use it myself, but, and it's a really big, but no matter who you are and no matter what kind of a relationship or casual encounter that you're involved in, there comes a time where it's time to talk about the relationship or act normal, or have a response that is an arrogant or cocky or sly, you know, be real. Talk about what's actually going on with you, explore open up your heart. You don't have to be sarcastic or playful or funny all of the time.
Speaker 0 00:02:31 It's really nice when you're not sarcastic and empty and vapid and always have a smirk on your face. Sometimes it's not just nice. It's actually essential to your relationship to discuss where this relationship is going or what you really meant when you said that or why you're behaving this way or why you're withdrawing. Now we don't have to take life so seriously and it doesn't need to be a serious talk all the time. But at some point it's really important to have healthy, deep, real communication with someone that you're interested in. Sometimes we're with a partner who just wants to clarify something, or they want to understand what you meant when you said something, but maybe you're someone who always insists on always being the life of the party, being sarcastic, joking, always firing back with vague and sometimes pointless information. So this idea of trying to make sure people don't take life too seriously and trying to get people to keep up with you or get on your level or catch up or catch you if they can, because you're go, go, go.
Speaker 0 00:03:30 Well, you're probably leaving your partner way more confused than you think. In fact, they probably can't trust you. They probably walk on eggshells and they probably don't know what to say when they really want to get to know you. So this is when behavior goes from being fun, funny, and attractive, even to inappropriate, not just offensive, not just annoying, but will actually keep you from having any kind of real relationship communication the way you go about it, the words you choose it matters. So right off the bat, I invite you to take a look at your most recent texts, which include, of course, all of the people that you may also be messaging on. WhatsApp, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, and tic talk. What are your texts really look like? Are you brief short terse to the point, quick, sarcastic condescending, insulting, arrogant, cutting biting. Are you one of those terrible people who tries to reduce all texts, communication to the absolute most minimal form of communication?
Speaker 0 00:04:32 You can possibly imagine like one letter or one word or incomplete sentences. Is this how you are constantly? Does it ever stop? Does it ever relent? Do you love one word responses such as Hey LOL, supp, chillin bet. Come through you. Can't home NV and M working busy with family all day. No love ya. FML. K sad face, happy face smiley face vomit face. Or are you someone who sends endless amounts of emoji and responds and actually speaks fluent emoji using emoji to represent laughing out loud. Hahahaha, rolling on the floor, laughing, crying my eyes out for these people. Is everything a joke? Does everything need to be amusing all of the time, even when it's inappropriate. What about the way you actually communicate with your loved one? Do you spend more time texting them than you do calling them or spending time with them in person?
Speaker 0 00:05:35 Are you someone who texts more frequently than actually saying hello with your voice? Do you text more frequently than a voice message or a FaceTime or just getting together in person to have a real connection? What I'm asking is is there ever any real connected, deep quality time spent together, real connection, real communication, having deep talks about your relationship. It's not about fighting. It's not about tanking the energy or feeling negative emotion, but rather it's about vulnerability sharing, who you are or growing the relationship together. So you can begin to think of this rather unusual podcast episode as a collection of pitfalls, to avoid things, not to say things, to say less, some new things to try out, instead of the stuff that you've been saying and some habits to completely surrender altogether, things not to do. If you know, you actually care about someone or love them or a truly invested in them, you might even think some of these expressions are small or harmless, but there's always a reason that they're mentioned here.
Speaker 0 00:06:37 And it's usually because they do more damage than good. Now it's super trendy right now to not care or pretend you don't care about what anyone else thinks of you, which frankly is all nonsense. Nonetheless, because you have to care what people think about you. If you want to exist in this society, it actually matters. You might say water off a Duck's back or I don't care what other people think. But the people who you care about the ones who matter, the ones who you want to make an impression with, maybe it's someone who you want to sleep with or a parent or family member or someone in your job. It really comes down to how you present yourself. Everyone's opinion matters to somebody. In fact, you can only get so far in life by not adhering to any social norms. If you decided to walk around barefoot, everywhere you went or with a shirt off or with a brightly colored rainbow Mohawk, or maybe you speak much, much, much louder than what's appropriate for a situation.
Speaker 0 00:07:32 There are social cues and norms that we need to adhere to. If you want anyone else to take us seriously. So words carry power. They cut. They slice like a knife and oftentimes will take longer to heal than actually physically wounding yourself, cutting yourself, or being hit often when I'm in a coaching session, I'll explain to couples that men fight with their fists, men settle arguments with wars and aggression and physical violence. Women often fight with words and you all know very well that every single one of you listening has a story about a teacher, a brother, a sister, a mother, someone in your life who said something to you that was so horrible. It stuck with you for the rest of your life. So an important distinction here is that your words actually do matter. Finally, as we're going through all these concepts, I'd like you to think if you were spoken to this way or someone uses expression on you or behave this way toward you, what would you do?
Speaker 0 00:08:29 Could you handle it words matter? And they carry weight. Let's get started concept. Number one, you've all heard it before. And many of us have said it. I don't sugar coat. I tell it how it is. I'm just blunt. I speak with some of my mind, get over it, deal with it. If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen. Yeah. All of these expressions can go. Every single one of these is an attempt to give yourself, to tear down other people around you under the sick and twisted guys that you're doing them a favor. And you're just being honest. And because perhaps you've put honesty as your highest virtue. It doesn't matter how you deliver the blow. You can package it in an insult. You can tear someone to pieces and you can push your own agenda as well. So it's very aggressive and passive aggressive.
Speaker 0 00:09:17 It's trying to tear someone else down in the name of being honest or being direct. People who use this expression are terrified of the expression. Sugarcoating. They're repulsed by it. They're disgusted by it. They think it's the most important thing to avoid in all the world. To me, this is a little bit like killing in the name of religion because you're so repulsed and turned off at those other people who sugar coat and pussyfoot and dance around the subject. And by the way, I'll be the first to agree sugarcoating and dancing around a subject and not being forthright is not an attractive quality, but because you're so against being that way and dad was so against being that way, all of your criticism and critiques land way on the other side of the spectrum, and you somehow believe that your bluntness in your rawness makes you real and better people like this often feel that anyone else who can't handle them or deal with them or respect that they're letting them know the honest truth must just be a total cry baby or not even worth your time.
Speaker 0 00:10:12 All of this stuff put together is extremely toxic, including if you're on this side of the spectrum. Oh, excuse me. I don't know. I'm sorry. I just, I don't want to, if you don't mind and can I just ask one more question? This stuff annoys the hell out of people too, but the other side is the shadow side of that. It's reductive. It hurts people's feelings. It's usually people who had a dad who was like this and their dad always lets you know how it was. And yet people who were like this almost never realized that they are one shade away from proper delivery or saying it right. You don't have to go to the other extreme. And that one shade difference equals communication. That's 10 times healthier will actually be received by the person you're talking to. And most likely get you the result that you're looking for.
Speaker 0 00:10:55 For example, instead of saying, you're doing it wrong, that's completely wrong. What the hell's the matter with you? Are you an idiot? I'm just being honest, babe. So what do we have here? Insulting derogatory, offensive, aggressive. Agregious putting someone down. It gives zero constructive feedback about what the right way might be and suggest that you know the right way and your way is better. And whatever this person did is completely wrong. What if instead you told your partner to me that looks a little off. Why don't you try? Or that may look a little silly, babe. Let's try it this way. Let me show you a different way or let me show you something I like better or better still. Would you be open to seeing a different way or would you mind doing it this way or Hey, I'm used to things being done this way.
Speaker 0 00:11:39 Would you mind performing it this way? Notice that any of these expressions don't go near the territory of placating supplicating or sugarcoating. None of it's dancing around the subject and none of it sounds like, oh, sorry, I don't want to offend, excuse me, pardon me? I don't want to upset you, but kind of attitude. You can share something, ask something or tell someone your opinion in your own feelings on the subject without cutting them down. So often when I see couples in my office, the way that the man or woman describes their partner, it can sometimes be with such disdain or irritability or annoyance. Oh, he always does this. Or she always says that. And I understand it's very, very difficult to live with someone face to face year after year, day after day. But the way you want to speak about someone that you love, the way to express yourself, the secret to breaking the code just lies somewhere in between these two extremes practice.
Speaker 0 00:12:30 It. It's going to feel awkward to you because you're so used to hammering things out, but you will see incredible results. Speaking cleanly and directly without degrading or insulting someone. And without beating around the proverbial Bush, it is uh, a winning combination. Now this next one is a little bit odd. So I'm going to sneak it in here between concept number one and two, we'll call it 1.5. And that is because it is an emoji. The shrugging, your shoulders emoji. Now the funny thing about this one is that it's rarely used to say, I don't know, as in, you really don't have an answer for something because you don't know it the way it's actually used on the other hand represents helplessness. In fact, if you use it are suggesting that you are helpless. Not only that, but you might also be exhibiting a total lack of responsibility and accountability.
Speaker 0 00:13:20 Hear me out. The shrugging, your shoulders. Emoji is a very rude one. It immediately suggests a lack of care or interest in what the person you're talking to may think. So here are all the things as one little purportedly. I don't know emoji represents not my problem. I don't want to deal with it. I don't know what to tell you. It's not my issue. I don't know what to say. I can't do anything about it. I can't change it. I'm not willing to examine it. My hands are tied. What are you going to do? Where are you going to go? Recently? I was taking a Zen, Buddhist, Mondo, meditation. And we were exploring the differences between the concept of not knowing, being unaware of something. You don't know what you haven't experienced or what you don't have knowledge of versus the expression. I don't know.
Speaker 0 00:14:06 And especially the delivery. I don't know. I don't know. Even just saying, I don't know. It's like putting up a guard, a stop sign. I don't know. What do you want me to do? I have no idea. Not knowing on the other hand has a completely different feeling place from the heart. It's not egoic. It's genuine. There are many things we don't know, but it comes from a different place. Energetically. So when you say sentences to someone like, what do you want me to do? I don't know what to tell you. It's not my problem. Don't know what to say. That actually deflects responsibility. You're trying to take responsibility off of you and say, Hey, I'm helpless. I've got no hand in this. There's nothing I can do about it. I don't plan on doing anything anytime soon, all from one silly little cartoon. So if you're not trying to look helpless or victimize yourself or let someone know you really don't care what they have to say.
Speaker 0 00:14:51 May I recommend selecting from one of 6,000 other emoji. Okay? Let's get back on track and slide into number two. Who hurt you? Hmm. This one is so awful and so seedy and it's just used so frequently. Usually any time there's some sort of gender disagreement, a woman said this, a man said that someone shares an opinion or someone suggests that most women are this way or most men are that way. And the retaliation is who hurt you. So it's so poisonous because it flat out assumes that whatever the other person's argument may be, it just doesn't matter. Clearly, this person is only sharing their feelings because they've been hurt in their past. And therefore this makes their opinion, their feelings, or even their facts. Invalid. What a horrible thing to say to someone who's expressing their feelings, emotions, facts, or pain, especially if someone is in fact expressing their own hurt.
Speaker 0 00:15:48 And by you doubling down and emphasizing, pointing out and shining a spotlight on this by asking this very rude, inconsiderate, and aggressive question, you are in fact suggesting that the only possible reason they might feel this way is because they've been wounded by someone else and now have become damaged goods. Therefore, what you're saying is their opinion. Doesn't matter. In fact, when people say, who hurt you, it's usually with hostility, anger, resentment, frustration towards the other person. And it completely disregards what the other person is saying. Everybody's been hurt. You've been hurt. If you use this expression, you have also been hurt a lot in your life. So this is definitely one we can delete from our vocabulary. If you want to maintain any level of healthy communication, instead, get curious instead of demanding, who hurt you? Why don't you ask them a loving, sensitive, empathetic question? Like where did you come up with this opinion? Or how did you land on that decision? Or tell me more about why you think this way or I'm so curious to understand why we have such a strong difference of opinion. Hmm. Tell me more. Let me listen.
Speaker 0 00:17:02 Concept number three is such a large part of our culture. It's hard to see your way around it. It might even be a little bit silly. I use it from time to time. We all do, but when a word becomes overused to such an extreme, it almost becomes useless. And that's the reason why I'm sharing this today. Because if you use a word to describe everything, then it loses its value and hardly means anything back when I was growing up, that particular word for us was cool. Everything was cool. It's a word I still use today. That's cool. All right, cool. Cool. I'll see you there tonight. It's another way of saying, okay. All right. That's nice. Fine. Or just cool. But even though I personally use it regularly, that doesn't mean that I ought to, or that it's useful or that it should fill every single one of my sentences.
Speaker 0 00:17:49 So you may be surprised that the word of this particular era is cute. Cute seems to have become ubiquitous. Is there anything left anymore that people don't consider cute that they like for much of the population today, everything. And I mean, everything has been watered down to this word. It's cute. It's claiming young lean the Gardena COHI mili. Apparently it doesn't matter for example, what you wear or how tacky or tasteless or utterly unappealing and clashing. It may be. It might be the most abysmal abominable piece of clothing that anyone's ever seen, but label it as cute. And by all means you should buy it and you look great wearing it. And you're amazing. As long as someone anyone says this four letter word magically, it makes it all. Okay. Now, listen, I'm not the fashion police. I really do not care what you wear or who you date or the things that you may or may not find cute.
Speaker 0 00:18:40 But what I am saying is you get yourself in a lot of trouble calling everything cute and especially stuff that you dislike that your girlfriend or guy friend is wearing, but you say, oh, that's cute. The question becomes, how then do you actually know what's cute. If everything is cute, if your response to almost anything that you like is, oh, that's so cute or that's cute, or you're so cute or that's cute. Where's the variety, the differentiation, the spice of life. What's the difference between something that's cute. Awesome and amazing. How do you even go about defining something as being cute? If everything is cute, this winds up leading you to wasting resources, to spending money that you don't need to spend. And in many cases, it leads to buying things that you never liked or really were all that attracted to, to begin with.
Speaker 0 00:19:29 Oftentimes you may wear something once or it may or may not last all in the name of cuteness. Furthermore, we wind up having sex with people that we think are cute. Sometimes we wind up making a fool of ourselves on videos because we think that we're looking cute. But what does cute actually mean? Well, it means attractive in a pretty or endearing way. It can also an often mean something is sexually attractive. Many things in the world are in fact, cute. Women are cute. For instance, many, many women are cute. I would even go so far as to say that cuteness in girls is a quality that's somewhere in between average and basic and beautiful and gorgeous. She's cute. Not necessarily pretty, not gorgeous, not ugly, not unattractive, but cute. And of course, this can go both ways. Women will often call men cute as well.
Speaker 0 00:20:16 He's cute. Or you're so cute or, oh, you're so cute. I could eat you up. Or a puppy. Dog is cute. Now that's actually the appropriate use of the word. Okay. So where am I going with this? Imagine next time you're shopping with a friend and you're in the dressing room during that vital moment. And you get asked the following question, they look at you with those puppy dog eyes and say, how does this look, how we respond? Will it be true? That the only thing that you can manage to say with all of the emotional choices in the world and all of the different vocabulary words you may possess, do you really just want to spit out the word it's cute. If you do what you are actually conveying to your friend is invest in this purchase. This spend your money on this all because it's been deemed to be that word.
Speaker 0 00:21:02 When in fact it may not be cute at all. It may be hideous. It may clash. It might just be a pair of sweaty spandex with polka dots, rainbows, cat heads, and planets spinning around. This is not cute. My friends is beauty in the eye of the beholder. Sure. Sometimes can people wear what they want? Sure. Can you think something's cute? And I might not. Absolutely. But there are sort of globally recognized rules in the world. Unspoken ones for things that are classy, beautiful, exquisite, divine, average, basic hideous, ugly trashy. So, so generic, urban, there's so many different ways that something can look, why not try a different word because at what point in your own mind, if you think about it for a moment, does something become very, very attractive in your mind? What about sexually attractive or pretty to look at versus basic trashy, decent tasteless or empty?
Speaker 0 00:22:00 Have you ever thought about where that line is and how you tell the difference amongst your friends? So for me, the word cute is a disposable throw away word. That is the least common denominator that is used for everything. When we simply mean, okay, at best or average or decent or even basic. So number one, keep an eye out on how much money you spend all in the name of cuteness. Number two, watch yourself for a few days or a week. How often do you use that word to describe almost anything? And does it give any meaning to you? And do you think that you make someone feel good by saying it? For example, cute is not an aspirational word in Japan. It might be, but it's not here. I, for one, don't aspire to have a cute girlfriend, have a cute wardrobe and I don't want to be a cute guy. I want to be memorable above average. I want the things and the people that I interact with to have special meaning to me. So the absence of cuteness really is about setting your bar higher.
Speaker 0 00:22:57 Number four, the next expression that you can expunge from your vocabulary is it is what it is. And I've got no doubt that this is going to rub some of you the wrong way, but hear me out. It is what it is, is basically suggesting that you deal with it much like the shrugging shoulders, emoji, anytime anyone gets upset about anything, regardless of whether the reasons are valid to you or not. Most people solution and answer is to say, deal with it. Another ugly expression, like just sit in your crap and deal with it. It is what it is. You can't change it. So why stress out about it? Well, thank you for pointing out this incredible nugget of wisdom. Interestingly, this expression doesn't help anyone get over anything, which is the very thing you're suggesting that they do. Has anyone ever in the history of mankind been told it is what it is and had an aha epiphany moment that suddenly allowed them to drop everything right then and there, because there's just simply nothing they could do.
Speaker 0 00:23:46 And it is what it is. I thought not. And yet one of the number one ways people try to help the other person get over something is by dispensing, useless expressions, such as this bro. It is what it is. Let it go, babe. You can't do anything about it. It is what it is. Move on. So this made it to the podcast because of what a disempowering statement it is. In fact, I myself have never used language like this. It doesn't help the person saying it and it certainly doesn't help the person listening to it. What else would something be? If it wasn't what it is, it would be something else, not what it is and what exactly is the most favorable outcome. Here. You puff up your chest, proclaiming. It is what it is and ocean's part. And the person you're talking to is magically able to drop any kind of emotional pain that they might've been working through.
Speaker 0 00:24:31 You know what? This is similar to. It's just like telling someone to calm down in the middle of an argument, especially if they're worked up and all stressed out, telling someone to relax, calm down while they are having a freakout only makes yourself feel better. If at all, all that's really happening here is you believe they're having a bigger reaction than they should. And so you're trying to shut the whole thing down phrases like this can creep into our vocabulary without even noticing it because the Internet's on 24 7, we're watching YouTube videos. Constantly. Hollywood has shown it to us. Our entire friend group is talking this way. And then before we know it, we find ourselves using very disempowering vocabulary. We hear it in a song. We hear people saying it and then suddenly we're saying it as well. And we never once think much like a song lyric.
Speaker 0 00:25:17 If it's worth repeating these phrases, come and go. They're here for a short period of time. And then they become really unattractive. They could be fun to share with your friends or have as an inner joke once in a while. But these aren't things that you ever want to use professionally. They aren't things that you want to use regularly in a relationship. And they certainly aren't things that you want to use among people who are struggling to speak English or you're helping them speak English. My trying to create standard American English here and tell you what you can and cannot actually say. Of course not for an example that hits home, picture this someone who you love or are in love with, and they are standing in front of you and you tell them, I love you so much. And they respond to you by saying, I don't feel the same way.
Speaker 0 00:25:58 It is what it is. How would that land for you? So free speech. Sure. But you never know the effect that free speech has on others or when the tables get turned in, it happens to you as it turns out. And we all know this. There actually is a proper way to speak your language. And fortunately, or unfortunately there are rules that govern grammar, how we express ourselves and even the intonation and accents that we choose to speak in. So sometimes communicating in a way that's not standard can get you in trouble or have people think about you in a way that doesn't serve your lifestyle. And I'm saying that as an open-minded person, who's happy to have you do things in your own way. This has nothing to do with race or stereotypes or prejudice or any type of group. It's just based on how you speak, how you are received.
Speaker 0 00:26:48 The moment you open your mouth matters. Imagine if every time you heard someone say received, they actually said receive it. I receive it the mail earlier. Did you receive it? My invitation in the mail? What if you had a friend or older sister who always said, Hey, I'm headed out to California this week. And I was out in California last month. And it was amazing. What if someone said to you, you know, there's just one little caveat that I want you guys to be aware of as opposed to caveat. And someone speaks like that once or twice. Most people think there's something wrong with them or that they're uneducated or foreign in which case it's totally okay, but you'd be quick to correct it and you'd want to make that adjustment. But we judge people as being far less educated when they don't pronounce words correctly, as a native English speaker, does this really matter to you and your life?
Speaker 0 00:27:35 I think so. You can argue it one of two ways if your entire social and business circle revolves around a culture that speaks in memes emoji and in a certain dialect that doesn't care about education or how you sound, it's all about looking at gee or trendy or cool, or being at the top of your social hierarchy. Maybe you won't have much trouble with it, but if you step foot outside of your circle, your tiny little bubble or your crew for a moment, and we all do every single time we go out to a store or a restaurant. For instance, you're going to learn the hard way that if you want people to respect you or to take you seriously, it will benefit you to not use certain types of expressions. So bringing it all back here, for instance is one of the big issues with using an expression.
Speaker 0 00:28:15 Like it is what it is. It totally abdicates responsibility. It completely shuts down the idea of creative problem solving. And it also makes you admit to defeat. There's nothing you can do about it. You didn't make the problem, not your responsibility. Hey, it is what it is. Am I right along these lines is another expression. I often hear coming out of customer service representatives, mouths, anytime there's an issue. Anytime that something goes wrong and they're there to deal with the problem. Well, I didn't make up these rules, sir, followed by. It is what it is followed by. And I don't know emoji. I didn't make the rules. There's another expression that can be deleted from your vocabulary. When I just spent five minutes verifying my name, address, phone number and social security number in the phone. Why are you asking me for it again? Let me hit you back with that direct question by saying this. I didn't make the rules, sir.
Speaker 0 00:29:08 Oh, wow. What a profound answer. And thank you so much for addressing my question in the best possible way. So as you're going through life aware and awake and conscious, you'll begin to notice that people just love to pass the buck. They love to push responsibility and most people cannot stand taking accountability for their actions or doing something about life or changing their own situation for the better. Why should all of this matter to you? Because nobody likes an irresponsible person. Not men, not women, nobody, no one likes someone who's irresponsible and who never thinks it's their fault. Who's late. Whenever they want to be late, who says whatever they say, who doesn't care, how their feelings land on others and who doesn't even care. If their feelings come off as hostile or violent or angry or deflecting, nobody likes, respects and trusts. Someone who can never be wrong, who can never apologize, who can never slow down and see the other person's perspective who doesn't always have to get offensive or feel attacked when you're trying to give them some constructive criticism or some feedback on how they're speaking to you or who throws her arms up in the air and says it is what it is.
Speaker 0 00:30:22 You know, just for fun comedian, Jerry Seinfeld often wonders why people who use the statement or even alive. He says people who use the expression. It is what it is, are just filling the world with air words and meaningless sounds. He goes on to say that he would literally prefer someone blow air in his face than to tell him it is what it is because he gets the exact same amount of data from that number five and moving on, like I said, yeah, like I said, like I said, that's it, that's the one, try to minimize this in your speech. Now, certainly there are times where you are referencing something and you feel it pertinent to the conversation, helpful to the person, listening to regurgitate what you previously said already. And repeat it once more. And I dare say it is appropriate to sprinkle it into a conversation once in a while.
Speaker 0 00:31:11 And if you're in a deep conversation and you're bringing something full circle after not speaking about it for a long time, by all means, but I can't begin to tell you how many times I've asked someone a simple, clean, direct question. And as they begin to answer the question in extra long form, as opposed to saying aisle 19, or yeah, it's fresh. Got it. In today. They begin a long story and start speaking at length at me as opposed to, to me or with me. And then before I can even make a comment, they're already on two. Yeah. So like I said, and like I was saying, and like I said earlier, as though I said, sorry, what? Or ask for some clarification. And I never said, could you repeat that? I didn't hear you come again, but they're already telling me what they said and how they said it before.
Speaker 0 00:31:54 And then the repeating it again. So now I'm standing there listening to someone repeat themselves when I got it the first time some people even use it two or three times within the same 32nd conversation. The reason words like this, cause a pain point in others is because it presumes that the other person wasn't listening or you are insinuating and suggesting that the other person missed it the first time. So you're giving it to them again. And one of my all time, favorite solutions to this problem is to simply pattern interrupt. The, like I said, as soon as I begin to hear those words come out of their mouth, I might say something like, oh, excuse me, I got it the first time. No need to repeat yourself. Thank you. And it has stellar results. I don't get frustrated. They don't waste a bunch of air.
Speaker 0 00:32:36 Some people do this out of nervousness or habit, or they don't even realize that they're doing it. People are just so unconscious when they speak, they go on and on and on. But no response is an appropriate response to suggesting that you need to listen to someone, repeat themselves over and over and over again. You might feel pity for these people. You might say, oh, let them express, let them speak. Let them say what's on their mind to which I say absolutely not. It is not the case that we all just deserve to express whatever's on our mind. However, we're feeling it whenever we're feeling it for as long as we're feeling it ad nauseum. And if you take issue with that, if you imagine someone interrupting you and you think that it's rude, do the magnificent task of putting yourself in someone else's shoes.
Speaker 0 00:33:18 How long would you like to stand there in a supermarket for instance, and listen to a stranger, a father, a brother, a son, a mother, have you ever told your dad to stop or your brother to stop? Because he's going on non about something. Do you have time to listen to everything they need to say, let them get the whole thing out until they're done. If it's not going favorably or are you allowed to jump in? Once in a while, I believe there has to be a place where we can say enough language is great. It serves a wonderful purpose, but other times some people have got diarrhea of the mouth. Some people talk out of a nervous habit or because they love to hear themselves speak. Other people talk because no one has ever shut them up before. And I know that may sound a little harsh, but what you wind up doing is just standing there listening to oftentimes a perfect stranger go on and on and on and on and on often, without even realizing that you're standing right there or making a valid point or considering your own opinion or offering you to jump in as well.
Speaker 0 00:34:14 I think we're so afraid in society to cut someone off or jump out or excuse ourselves. We don't want to be rude. And I agree I'm not about rudeness at all, but once in a while, it's okay to interrupt and say, you know what? I got it communication in my opinion should and must be as conscious and clean as you can muster. There's so much going on. There's reading, listening, feeling so many of us are only interested in for lack of a better phrase or running our mouths, talking about ourselves. You know, I recently was interviewing someone and from the moment that I picked up the phone and for one hour straight, this individual never closed their mouth out of curiosity. And as a social experiment, I listened for an entire hour while they spoke about themselves. The only thing I could get an edgewise was about.
Speaker 0 00:35:02 Hmm, interesting. Oh great. Mm. For one hour straight. And I cannot tell you how prevalent this is. So whether someone says, like I said, where they're going on and on, I assert that it's okay to express yourself and put your foot down or express where your limit is for listening. Now, the second part of, like I said, is that people often use it to be aggressive or passive aggressive. And they also try to draw attention to you to point out that in their mind, you're so stupid that now she or he has to repeat themselves, they believe that they've said it to you multiple times. Even if you are clearly asking a different question. So they're trying to make you look bad. So when would be an appropriate time to use this expression, there are very limited use cases here. Let's say you work in retail, a guest comes over to you and asks, Hey, do you have this in a small and you respond?
Speaker 0 00:35:53 No, I'm sorry. We do not. I just went in the back and checked. There are no more, Small's not satisfied with this. They may say all you shool to what you say. Yeah, I'm positive. And maybe they say, but are you really, really sure? And then you get to say, like I said, same answers. Last time. There are no more smalls next up in concept. Number six, we've got the idea of expunging filler words from our vocabulary. These are the things that we say before. We actually start saying something of relevance, the way we start our sentences to try to look cool, feel comfortable in mask and security. It's also the way every Tik TOK and YouTube video and story usually starts these days. What are filler words? Let me give you an example. So I'm literally what's up, blah, blah, blah, blah here. Right?
Speaker 0 00:36:40 Check this out. So, I mean, I can't even honestly, so like, no, bro, seriously, you know though, I'm like sitting in the car and, and you know what, like I said earlier, and guys, like I said all the time, so I was like, bitch, like you always hear me say, how can I put this? So once again, for example, I'm gonna be really honest. I'm not going to lie. To be honest, low-key high-key middle Keno. That was low key. The thing is, for example, you know, I feel like literally obsessed. I mean, come on who wouldn't be annoyed, just hearing this nonsense. So trim the fat and try getting rid of all the excess filler and just speak from your heart, from your position, from where you're feeling at the most. If you want people to take you seriously and to respect you, it's important to be an effective communicator.
Speaker 0 00:37:23 Have you ever started a conversation with someone and before they respond, every single sentence begins with, uh, um, no, I don't know. Uh, like, uh, if you actually want someone to listen to what you're saying, try speaking with purpose and presence with a conscious mind, distill it down to what's important in your head first and then speak now. Yes, there is a such thing as freedom of speech, but that doesn't mean there aren't consequences from saying whatever you want, however you want. You know, we've got this gift of language and it really is an incredible gift because if any of you have ever had a raised pets before, and you've been with them when they've whimpered or cried or gotten really upset about something and you had no idea what it was, and maybe it even turned out to be something worse than you thought, maybe it caused a hospital visit or a death, or it meant they were super stressed and you didn't know, or they were trying to convey something to you, but couldn't because all they could do was make noise.
Speaker 0 00:38:20 You understand what a blessing it is to be able to speak. But unfortunately, especially in today's society, language has become almost synonymous with oxygen. You can use up as much of it as you like and take as long as you need to say what you need to say. So we've got this, let's use it. We can enhance our vocabulary. We can think before we speak, we can get to the point rather than rambling on and getting lost in the woods by taking a breath and actually thinking before you speak and not using these filler, want to be cool words, we can often increase the attraction level to someone that you're intimately involved with or interested in concept. Number seven is the idea of sprinkling on the appropriate language when necessary in just the right amount, nothing wrong with a little sprinkle, a little touch of cayenne, little dash of this dash of that.
Speaker 0 00:39:07 So K to add a splash of color, it's okay to use jargon from time to time. And like I said earlier, it can also be fun. So if you want to add something like yo off rip or she's capping or a knock and a lie or the word literally, or God forbid low key. In fact, let's pause for a moment and explore the definition of low key by today's standards. Of course, used as an adjective to describe something that you're doing on the down-low understated or secretly. However, you are also simultaneously admitting that you are doing something low key. You might confess that you're low key using Bumble, but then why say it to begin with the definition continues low key can also have vague meanings, like sort of, or kind of such as being low key sad, but really let's face it. The only reason we're using these words is because we think in the saying of them that we sound cool or better or cuter or not like our parents and incidentally, the opposite of Loki is high key, which means being unabashedly vocal about something let's continue with a few more unusual words and phrases snatched, which can mean a few different things.
Speaker 0 00:40:14 But in my generation, men grab something quickly, shook keeping it at 100 drinking the hashtag blessed. Yeah. Let's talk about blessed for a moment too. Technically speaking, if you're alive and breathing on this planet and in good health, you're pretty blessed. But the way it's used today is to suggest that the person using it as somehow divinely or supremely favored when in fact all that is, is another way to bring attention to yourself and bolster your ego. And by the way, if you were communicating in a way that is constantly demonstrative of how amazing and wonderful you are, or you're highlighting yourself by using language that low key makes you look cool in the long run, it actually doesn't make you a very likable person. So the idea of sprinkling means it's fun to be playful. It's fun to have an inside joke with your friends. It's fun to use pop culture terms and phrases and catch phrases. I do it too, but when in doubt, remember to sprinkle it on.
Speaker 0 00:41:07 Now, let's take a look at some words and phrases that have pretty much gone out of style or have been out of style for quite some time that when you hear them today, they sound absolutely ridiculous. When you use phrases that only a tiny subset of people understand, and very few people in the world, get it can once again, make you look pretty unintelligent, take, for example, the phrase that is now very invoked to use a certain kind of way. This is something that people use all the time and it trendy to say it. Now, you know, that dress kind of makes you look a certain kind of way. Like, I don't know, girl, I think he's feeling some kind of way about it. You feel some kind of way about it. This makes me feel some type of way. So as opposed to just saying I'm upset and expressing what you're actually feeling nowadays, people say I'm feeling some kind of way about this, ridiculous to me, but totally okay.
Speaker 0 00:41:53 By society's standards, we get it. And we understand that it's kind of hold it now cute or a playful way of saying something. But now imagine you're at a job interview, for example. And when asked a question, you respond by saying, yeah, it's on fleek. Where do you think the person sitting across from you, places you on the definitely want to hire this person scale or intelligence scale or taking you seriously scale. Cute, funny, silly, intelligent, dumb, still think that saying I'm Gucci and talking about how blessed you are. Sounds cool. Tell me how cool do some of these phrases sound. You know, I think you're cruising for a bruising. Are these your ankle biters a oh, you want a knuckle sandwich? C'mon snake. Let's rattle. Don't flip your wig, man. That girl made me bust a gut and no, I did not say bust a nut.
Speaker 0 00:42:35 I got my papers on how far out man, can you dig it? Let your freak flag fly. Hey bro. Hang loose. Is that the fuzz? It was a gas man that guy's a goober catch on the flip side. Hey bro, do me a solid and you ate a boogie down. Psych a stop dipping in my Kool-Aid that chick's a total spazz. Cool beans. 10, four. Good buddy. Hey, take a chill pill, man. That was bogus. Yeah. I want to know everything about it. Give me the skinny to the max. Keep on keeping on Ugh. Gag me with a spoon. Oh, your hair is looking choice today. My brother. Now I know without a doubt that the fact that you just heard a few of these phrases made you a little queasy or a little embarrassed or made you sick to your stomach. Well, there once was a time in the not too distant past where each and every one of these expressions was used regularly.
Speaker 0 00:43:21 And yet we pick them apart. They sound ridiculous. They get made fun of, or you would get made fun of if you use them today in a bar. So catch phrases come and go. True language does not just like something classy or timeless, which never loses its charm or value. And as much as I love elegance, I love the idea of having an inside joke, a cute expression that you say to a girlfriend or a guy for all the time or using some of these expressions to almost make fun of them. Yourself. I love the idea of sharing something with a friend that just cracks you up. But when it never shuts off, it's all the time. And it's the only way you know how to communicate. It actually becomes who you are.
Speaker 0 00:44:01 Okay. Number nine is super easy. The idea of using the expression, I feel when confronted with facts as sharing, how you feel about something is perfectly fine, unless you're faced with real statistical data. Sometimes I'm listening to an interview where facts are being shared real raw data, and sometimes people, but in to say, you know, I just feel this is wrong on some level, whether you think something is right or wrong, when it just actually is, may not matter, is everybody entitled to an opinion? Sure. But when the real cold hard data is there and yes, every once in a while we could be wrong, I feel differently does not a winning game make. Sometimes this also happens when a boyfriend or girlfriend, husband, or wife is letting you know what's real for them. They're saying, this is fact for me, this is the experience that I'm living.
Speaker 0 00:44:49 Let's just say, they're pouring their heart out. I love you. Maybe you don't feel that way, but you don't really get to disagree about it. You don't get to say, well, I feel like you don't. When someone is standing there giving you their truth, this gets really, really tricky. If that person, however, is emotional and they're feeling like your feeling something else or they're feeling like you are, you know, a certain kind of way, even though that might be completely inaccurate. For example, someone in an emotional state might feel that you are very angry or that you look very upset or simply because of the tone of your voice, they're hearing and feeling something else. When in fact you might feel completely calm. In fact, I would say this happens a lot between men and women, where men do express themselves with a little more intensity or aggression or assertion or, and here's one, you'll probably all recognize a woman declares, stop yelling at me, you're yelling at me and the guy doesn't even think he's raised his voice 10%.
Speaker 0 00:45:47 So what is it? Who's right. Well, the intensity of it, which is allowable, the intensity of it is perceived as yelling or raising your voice. But he's not doing that at all. The big problem here is, is that because a majority of us feel that we felt it that therefore it must be true because it was a feeling feelings, however, are not facts. Oftentimes people decide and think and believe that what they feel is better or that they may have won the conversation or gained more power just because they feel it or that the other person's facts, not opinions are invalid because you feel differently for many people, their feelings and emotions rule their world. If they get a funny feeling or they have a red flag come up for them or they feel off or wrong about something, they tend to think it's globally true, as opposed to just true for them or true for them in the moment.
Speaker 0 00:46:46 This is especially true. When you think someone is creepy, which is another word we should talk about, which literally just means many times you're not attracted to that person or you didn't like the way they went about it, but it doesn't make them globally that way. So allow me to show you how often you might be wrong. Think back for a moment about the last time you worried about your lover or your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife, because they didn't call, they didn't show up or they weren't available. Maybe this has happened multiple times this week, or maybe you can remember a time. How often were you wrong? How often did you think something terrible happened? Or there was something really wrong? And all they did was take a little detour in their day. Maybe they took a little extra time for themselves or took a detour home or their battery really did die or who knows what happened.
Speaker 0 00:47:31 But this happens all the time. And the truth is our feelings aren't facts. So feelings can get in the way. And so can assumptions. I thought you were mad at me. I thought you were going to call me. I just assumed you weren't there. I just figured we were going to do our own thing today. And don't even get me started on. I called you, but you didn't pick up. You know, I called you at a random time when I finished all of my stuff. And when I thought it was appropriate. And when I was thinking about you needing attention and you didn't pick up, you had the audacity to not answer the phone. What were you thinking? You didn't pick up? So I felt like we weren't going to get together tonight. I just assumed we weren't. And in all of these situations, no one ever actually asks, are we still on for tonight? Is everything okay? A simple little check-in would make all the difference in the world.
Speaker 0 00:48:21 All right, next up is next time. Next time is a phrase that a certain demographic who loves to reject another demographic constantly uses to pretend that they're interested when they're really not. Next time is a way to blow someone off. It's an excuse to say I'm not interested. And it's a different way of saying I'm never going to talk to you again, but the other person rarely gets the message nor understands that that's what you're implying. An example would be, Hey, do you want to grab a drink with me some time? Hey, next time, next time. But you don't have their phone number or a way of contacting them. So how's that going to happen? Next time is an oddly passive aggressive way of saying no thank you. Or I'm not interested because it actually does suggest that you're interested when it really means you don't want it.
Speaker 0 00:49:07 Be very wary about using the phrase next time. If you know, you're never going to see this person again and just tell them no, or let them down nicely and directly. Now this next one, this one I've been wanting to make an episode on for a long, long time. Number 11, when someone asks you a question, most of the time, they're looking to get simple, easy, dare I say direct information. A yes or no, a black or white answer. Certainly sometimes it could be maybe, but this next expression is about never committing to anything. Never standing for anything. Never having a strong opinion, never saying whether your inner out or whether you feel one way or the other. So you never actually express how you feel interestingly, but by saying these two words that it's somehow suffices to create conversation, or is an appropriate response to a direct question that usually requires a simple yes or no response who cheats more men or women.
Speaker 0 00:50:07 It depends. You like Trump. It depends. Do you want to be in this relationship with me? Oh, it depends. Which do you like better? A or B? It depends in the mood to go ice skating tonight. It depends. You want to have sex little later. It depends when to grab some dinner tonight. It depends. Well, my friends to coin yet another outdated expression, no shit, Sherlock, everything depends on everything. Doesn't it, of course everything depends. And there's nuance and things are situational. And it depends on many different factors to form a full opinion. But by using the phrase, it depends as your end all be all answer without sharing more or exploring other sides, or just letting that be your stance. You're going absolutely nowhere. So if everything depends on everything, then we've gotten no closer to an appropriate answer or even any kind of understanding to continue communication.
Speaker 0 00:50:56 It depends. My friends is not a full-stop sentence. It's not a method to communicate that puts the ball in the other person's court to continue speaking. Now, the funny thing is most people use this expression, even though it's a useless expression as a way to signify that they're intelligent. So when you're being asked a probing or deep or introspective question, and you reply with it, depends dot, dot, dot. You're actually looking a little more foolish than you think, and it doesn't help anyone get any closer to the answer they're looking for than when they asked it, saying it depends is something you can eliminate from your vocabulary altogether because every situation is different. And certainly you have to feel it out, but do you go through life? Never knowing what you want, always being blown by the wind and just making a decision based on anything, but your own desire.
Speaker 0 00:51:44 Most situations are different than the previous adventure or experience, but you know what? They also have a lot in common. And if you use context clues such as how you felt about it in the previous experience or what you imagined it might be like, or how you felt when you saw a movie about it, or what happened when a friend did the same thing, even though you haven't experienced it yet, then you can answer much more than it depends. Now the segues perfectly into another pretty wretched way of communicating. And it's this feigning or pretending that you can't imagine how it would feel yourself. You just couldn't possibly know unless it actually happened to you. And therefore, because it hasn't happened to you, you have no idea how you feel about it. Would you like it? If someone made you wait 35 minutes after your agreed upon date time?
Speaker 0 00:52:33 Oh, it's never happened to me before. I couldn't possibly imagine. How would you feel if we made plans tonight and I never showed up? I don't know. I can't imagine it happening has never happened to me before. I'd have to be in the situation to understand it. It really shouldn't take reality or extreme circumstance for someone to imagine if they would do something or not put themselves in a situation or not try a certain substance or not. And so more often than not, I find people hide behind two expressions. It depends. And I don't know. I can't imagine I haven't done it before. So I just couldn't give you a clear answer. And while these things are true, it's very valuable to be able to compile a succinct answer about how you feel in the moment, because it helps people know where you stand and to stand for something, to put your foot down and say, here's how I feel about it is a very important part of becoming a grown adult.
Speaker 0 00:53:27 So many of us these days are caught up on, well, I don't want to offend, and I just want to keep the peace and I don't want to upset anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. And I know I could say this, but I'm really not trying to say that this not only creates confusion and conflict outside of you, but also inside as well, because you never know who you are. It is so peculiar to me that people can say, well, I have no idea what I would do in that situation. Well, you just did this to someone and you treated them like this. What would you do if that happened to you? What would you say? I have no idea. I'd have to wait and see if it happened to me. I just don't know how I feel about it. When I hear this.
Speaker 0 00:54:04 I just want to say, get the hell outta here. Especially when it's something so easy. Like if this person cheated on you, how would you feel? Or if someone betrayed you or backstabbed you, gosh, golly. I just don't know what I would do in that situation because I can't possibly imagine. Well, could you imagine what you would do if someone hurts someone that was very close to you or hurt you physically? What about if you lost a job or lost a family member? Can you put yourself in someone else's shoes or imagine yourself in a situation so that you can identify, what are the first few action steps you might take? Of course you can. We all can. And it just takes a moment to imagine. So if someone's asking you a question and the only way you're able to respond is, I don't know. It depends. I can't possibly imagine myself doing that or in that situation. The proper thing to do is take five seconds. And are you ready? Imagine, think about it. Just take a moment and think about it, feel into it. Imagine what you would do and then speak your truth.
Speaker 0 00:55:09 Number 13. Well, I can't explain it. This one usually comes on the tails of something that someone wants in a relationship, but doesn't know how or why or what the reasoning behind it is. It's usually something that they expect from the opposite sex. He needs to do this. He better do that. He should send me money. He should take me out. He should pay for my dinners. He should open my doors. He should do this and that. But when you ask why, why should someone actually do these things for you? When you ask someone to give the actual valid reasons or some concrete thought as to why you feel this way, or you expect this, or you want these things? The answer often becomes, I can't explain it. That's just the way it is. That's just the way it should be. That's how I've always done it.
Speaker 0 00:55:54 That's just what I expect. That's just what needs to be done if they want to spend time with me. I don't know. I can't explain it just, it is what it is. I don't know. I just can't like, like, I don't know. I can't explain it. Well, why can't you explain it is a difficult to think. People find this answer so infuriating that it's absurd, that it even gets spoken. Why can't you explain something that you expect demand and want? And when you're forced to back up, the reasons they're often empty hollow or knee jerk are not based in any kind of reality or factual data. It's just oftentimes something that someone feels, oh, oh, and let's not forget. It's almost always imperative to back that statement up with the following phrase. It's complicated. Things like this. Always start with an expectation. Someone should treat me a certain way.
Speaker 0 00:56:45 I deserve I was born. So I deserve to be treated this well, someone should buy this for me or take me to this place. Do these things for me. I know my worth. I know my value. But when you ask someone, why do you feel this way? What makes you feel so entitled? What makes you so special? For example, suddenly the answer becomes, oh yeah. I can't explain it. It's really complicated. I don't know my recommendation. Don't ask for things where you can't explain cohesively, why you want them. Otherwise you're just throwing a fit like a child can. Furthermore, for people who are giving things to other people that they want, don't simply give something to someone because they say I want it, but I can't explain why. Now that's a very strong statement. I'm sure one could find many ways to overturn it. But generally speaking, if you're having an adult conversation with someone and you don't know how to explain what you want, or like, then are you really in a place to ask for it?
Speaker 0 00:57:38 You can start to see a pattern, how language and disempowering expressions like this lead back to similar places. I can't explain it because it is what it is. I don't know. All of that language falls into the category of something that is powerless. So what can you do about this? A simple tip is most things we want in life. In fact, everything we want in life comes down to how we believe it will make us feel in the having of it. Furthermore, we actually believe that we're going to feel better than we do right now. Once we get it, how does it feel when someone respects you or loves you, or is devouring you, or is savoring every inch of you, you feel loved or desired. You don't have to teach someone how to do it specifically, but you should know enough about it to be able to be more articulate than saying I can't explain it.
Speaker 0 00:58:29 Number 14, the I'm so picky. Malady. I have standards. I'm very picky. I'm very choosy. I'm very selective with my partners. First of all, if you have a string of Xs or previous lovers or several people who have had sex with you and you don't speak about them very often, or you've had drama together or you've blocked them, or you're no longer in touch, chances are you aren't that picky and selective, please. We all have chosen people in our past who were not a great choice or a great fit for us who here can look back on all of their exes and say he was amazing for me at the time. She was the perfect one for me at the time, everything was exactly as it should have been, who had a string of several great relationships in a row. And if so, why did they all come to an end?
Speaker 0 00:59:11 Number two, we don't really have a choice when it comes to attraction. You don't get to choose who you like and who you don't. There's certain qualities and characteristics of the way people behave that trigger and activate certain things in us, whether we like it or not. And that by default does not necessarily allow us to be that picky and choosy because there are things that are going to turn us on whether we want them to, or not number 15 diagnosing mental illness when you are not in a position to do so. And you are not a doctor using phrases like there are massage dentist, or this is toxic masculinity or throwing around other expressions, like they're a psychopath or sociopath. Funny how everyone's ex just seems to be a narcissist. Where do we all learn how to do this? I did an entire episode on this before, but it bears repeating in our society today.
Speaker 0 00:59:58 It's commonly accepted. For example, that a woman who's looking for a mate in relationship can have a very long, long list of requirements of what she wants her man to have. In fact, this is where the expression comes from. Women want it all, or why can't I have it all? Or can I have it all in fact, look out for that as a future podcast episode. So women can have a huge list of what she's looking for in her partner, because these are standards that she has often. These are things that a man cannot physically change if his life depended on it, such as his height and yes, even his status. So while shore, anyone can make more money, generally speaking, some people can make a lot more money, but most people in the known universe are not going to elevate themselves through the different echelons of wealth.
Speaker 0 01:00:42 Most men, wherever they are, are going to belong to a certain tax bracket or lifestyle for their entire life. Most men will not have the ability to make that big of a jump in their earning potential for what women are often expecting. These days. I E a man who makes over a hundred grand a year in 2021 standards. It's something like only 10% of people will have the opportunity in their lifetime to be in the top 1% for a year. It's a very, very small number. Now, interestingly, most women want a man who's over six feet tall. Where did this number come from? Who knows? And I believe it's something like 10% again of the population is over six feet. Tall women also want broad shoulders and a certain stature and want certain muscular builds. So why then if a man expresses his preferences and says that he wants a woman with huge breasts or small breasts or a big ass or a small one, if he wants you skinny, tall, big little, whatever the preference is.
Speaker 0 01:01:43 And the taste of the individual is how is that any different than having a height requirement for someone who you'll talk to or date newsflash, it's not. And if you don't think you've got an unbreakable unshakable height requirement, ladies, just ask yourselves, would you ever date someone who's shorter than you? What about much shorter than you? And why is that? Now? You probably have an answer. That sounds something like, because I feel like that would, or because that would make me feel some kind of way. And don't you think that a who's looking for his preferences does so because it also makes him feel a certain kind of way about it. So expectations, expectations that someone shouldn't ever expect sex on the first date, but by the way, he should expect to not only pay for her date, but pay for her time. Don't expect sex, but you're expected to pay.
Speaker 0 01:02:41 Don't expect intimacy, but you're expected to take care of me. Men are expected to not expect and are ridiculed if they do. So, it kind of goes without saying that there's an enormous collection of people who believe that a man should needs to ought to take a woman out on the first date. And if he doesn't for some women, this is a nonstarter. There's like no sexual attraction. This just instantly repels her and turns her off. But imagine the massage Guinea, if he said something like, well, I took you out to dinner, so, or, Hey, we went out and I paid. So, and this sounds very disgusting to women, very off-putting, but there's an expectation that someone does one thing and an expectation that someone else does not. You know, I think I do a whole three or four or five hour episode on this because it is such a hot topic.
Speaker 0 01:03:29 So if you're curious about who should pay on the first date and beyond check out that podcast episodes a lot of fun, but what it comes down to is there are a lot of beliefs and ideas that some of us carry and we believe so strongly that we think it's globally true. And sometimes there's a lot of agreement on that, but it gets us into trouble when we have expectations on one side, but not on the other. So why then if you want a man of a certain height stature status and build why on earth, would it be misogynistic for a man to express his preference and desire? Even if it sounds like, you know, I just love a girl with a great pair of tits, or I just like a girl with a fat ass, or I just need her to be hot. Why is that preference considered toxic masculinity or misogynistic?
Speaker 0 01:04:17 Why are we not all allowed to have our own preferences and expectations? We seem to have no problem putting expectations on others, but no one wants any expectation put on ourselves. So if every young girl, these days decides that she has a laundry list of things that she expects, if a man wants to spend time with her, what is that? Is that not an expectation? Is that not misandry? All of this to say, we now live in a world where we are literally vomiting, psychological and clinical diagnoses onto people. This person's a massage NIST. This person is a psychopath. This person is a narcissist. And that makes us feel this really strong hatred and mistrust and disgust towards other people who have had these expressions flung on to them because they're such powerful and loaded words, as opposed to just saying, Joe can be a little selfish sometimes, or Joe has some interesting preferences, or we all have some preferences.
Speaker 0 01:05:13 He likes a big ass. I like a tall guy, or I feel hurt because I'm not getting the attention I deserve or because he seems to like her more. So I'm throwing a little fit. All of that feels very different than calling someone a narcissist, a psychopath or sociopath. The next few phrases fall into a very interesting category of insulting. Talk your shit, shoot your shot. How are you going to fire back this idea that speaking poorly about someone else or another group or insulting them is somehow a favorable or awesome thing that insulting people or putting someone down or breaking someone down to their core. And then retaliating in a very powerful way is an awesome thing to do. To get a sense of this. You can imagine a rap battle where someone speaks very poorly of the person in front of them through lyric and rhyme.
Speaker 0 01:06:03 And the entire audience goes nuts and applauds how well they ripped them. Apart to me, there are a couple of ways you can choose to live your life. Number one is looking for trouble, looking for problems, seeking out violence, assuming the worst, trying to hurt others, being very angry, looking for where you are. Victimized firing back shots fired, demanding respect from anyone not tolerating, anything negative from anybody, having a hair trigger and effectively looking for a way to be cruel to people. Take, for instance, these roasts that are so adored by America, you can YouTube the roast of anybody. And if you actually sit through and watch it a couple of times, you realize how cold and how low and how grading mean and harmful. It is to speak this way to someone. And we do it publicly. It really is a form of public humiliation and shaming in an audience full of people.
Speaker 0 01:07:00 You sit there and you take it and you take it. And we judge you based on how well you can take these awful things being said about you. That deep down, we're really all just kidding, but are we? And we wrap it all up in freedom of speech and it's all in good fun. And we're just kidding and playing. It's just a joke. And if a person can survive the roasting with a smile on their face, regardless of what they might be feeling inside will somehow we perceive this as a good thing. The other way to live on the other hand, which seemingly is more and more rare. These days is quite simply love-based it's being, heart-centered where you're not looking to constantly take hurt others, put others down, put yourself first, make yourself look great. You're not trying to bring people down. You're trying to inspire or bring people up.
Speaker 0 01:07:46 You highlight their positive traits. You look for things that are positive in them and not constantly finding ways to fire shots or talk shit. That phrase just echoes in my head from high school of young guys saying to each other, oh, you talk some shit and talk some shit, man. You trying to get your ass kicked. It's petty. It's childish. And of course it sounds really uneducated solution. Consider if the expressions that you're using embody a healthy way to live, or if it falls more along the lines of anger, rage upset. Now anger, rage, and upset is a better feeling place than depression and despondency and despair and helplessness. But you also want to move past that into frustration, into hope, into knowing into love number 17, another meaningless expression. Hey, why do you ask? Just curious. Yeah, but why do you want to know?
Speaker 0 01:08:38 I'm just curious. No, but what's the reason that you're curious what prompted this. I'm just curious, followed by a constant supply of shoulder shrugging and blinking and hair flipping. This is another one of those expressions that is hollow and empty and has no meaning behind it. I'm just curious. And don't even get me started on the word just, but I'm just curious, gives the listener the impression that you are actually giving an answer that has some sort of meaning behind it as to why they should tell you some very personal and private information, oftentimes might as well just say, because I want to know, or because the grass is green, just curious is not an appropriate answer. In fact, there's always a reason we're asking. It's a way to keep all your cards to yourself while trying to expose the weakness of someone else. And when someone says, why are you asking and your responses?
Speaker 0 01:09:28 I'm just curious, especially if a woman says, I'm just curious, there is so much more going on than her just being curious. There's a judgment. This may lead to whether or not she sleeps with you continues dating you. It may be tacked on to her info, gathering data about you. It might be a test. It might be manipulation. It might be putting feelers out there to see how you're going to react. There are precious few things on this planet that people actually need to ask where they're just curious about it, because if you were really just curious and you got the answer that you were just curious about and you really didn't care one way or the other, why ask it to begin with now to be fair? Curiosity is a very good, healthy thing, especially when you're reflecting on your own behavior. Hmm. Why do I feel so down?
Speaker 0 01:10:14 That's so curious. Why am I feeling upset or depressed or bothered by this? Let me get curious about my own state of mind so that I can better know myself. That's a great use for curiosity number 18. I'm not like all those other girls, you know, I've been dying to ask for so long. How does every girl know exactly what all those other girls are like and who they are? How do you know? And why does every girl think they're not like all those other ones, but if every girl says that they're not every other girl, which thus includes all the girls, how could they not be like every other girl? And also, how would you even know to make the comparison about what those other girls are like? So this to me falls into the category of an expression. We no longer need to use any more because every girl thinks she's not like every other girl.
Speaker 0 01:11:04 And every girl thinks that she's the most special. Well, imagine that. So every single girl is special and every single one is unique and every single one is not like all those other ones. Sure. How many times have you, as lady said, all men are the same. All men are simple. All men want the same thing. So are all men like all other men, but you're not like any of those other girls, most people, almost all of us, unless you have incredible excellence in some category, true excellence. And you've worked your butt off at it for a good portion of your life. Or you're naturally gifted at something you very much likely are going to carry characteristics and qualities that are just like all those other girls and all those other boys, because there are only so many qualities and traits that make up other people.
Speaker 0 01:11:51 We are not that different. Now, what we fall in love with on the other hand are the sweet and endearing ways that we do or say things, the cute personality traits, the way they make us feel loved and feel attractive ourselves, the way his or her lip goes up in a funny, unique, these little quirks that most people find in themselves to be imperfections. This is what we fall in love with, but we are in fact, in many ways, like all those other people. Now here's an example in the field of sex and intimacy in relationships. I absolutely do not feel like I'm all those other guys. There is something that distinguishes me. I've spent decades researching thinking, asking, being inquisitive, being curious, helping, learning, growing, et cetera. So I can give real concrete, factual reasons as to why I'm not like all those other guys when it pertains to this.
Speaker 0 01:12:40 However, I'm absolutely like all those other guys, if a beautiful woman walks by with an incredible figure and I look and breathe in her beauty, just the way I would, if a deer walked across the street and just the way you would look to whether you are a man or a woman. So if you've got real reasons to believe and know and feel that you've lived and even gotten feedback on that, you definitely are not like all those other girls then by all means, please indulge. Okay. Number 19, another expression that can be deleted from your vocabulary. Who hurt you? You sound jaded. Yeah. You sound like someone really hurt you. So I can't really believe anything that you say. And because you're hurting, I'm not going to spend any more time with you either because you've been hurt. It sounds like you've had some really bad experiences.
Speaker 0 01:13:28 So I'm going to contribute to the bad experiences. You're so jaded and you're so hurt. So I have no time or patience or energy to explore why you're hurting or what you're hurting about. Who hurt you and why are you so jaded comes out in many ugly, ugly ways. Now this is a phrase I don't use very often, but it's almost a way to shame the victim. Oh, you're actually really hurting right now. Or someone really did hurt you and you are suffering inside. So I think I'm going to highlight this point out to you, why I'm better and why you're not by saying something like who hurt you. And if you think about how ugly that rhetorical question is, it's really literally highlighting someone's pain, putting it on blast, minimizing and belittling them and suggesting that they're not as good of a person as you, or perhaps that you're better because you haven't been hurt like this.
Speaker 0 01:14:20 Of course you've been hurt. Like this we've all been hurt before. The other interesting quality about this expression, is it presumes that it certainly couldn't mean that this person is right about what they're feeling, you know, because they're in pain or because they're hurting. It's never the case that he or she may be just in feeling what they're feeling. The fact that they're hurting somehow makes them wrong. You should be happy and in appreciation and celebrating everything and celebrating life and seeing how wonderful everybody is. But instead you're jaded. Oh, what is my solution to this? Take a breath. Reserve your judgment for something else. Maybe get curious again. Wow. What did I just say? Curious. Yes. Genuine curiosity as to why that person is upset or hurting or what led them to believe this, or what experiences have they had that made them feel this way.
Speaker 0 01:15:13 And then you can actually have a productive conversation instead of just adding insult to injury. Number 20. I can't believe I'm doing this. I'm so not like this. I can't believe I'm doing this right now. I'm not usually like this. You know, I'm not that kind of person. Right? I don't do this with everybody right. Before having sex during sex, after sex or leading up to sex, I can't believe I'm doing this. And I'm so not like this is also an expression that men hear so often it sounds like every woman has studied the same book of how to be a girl. It's truly as though millions or billions of people have the same canned, generic verbatim word for word responses as everybody else, which to me does not sound very special. You know, it actually kind of smells like being all those other girls.
Speaker 0 01:16:07 I'm really picky. I'm not basic. I'm not like all those other girls. I can't believe I'm doing this. Who hurt you? I don't know. I have standards. It just depends. How is it possible that everyone seems to be taking a page from the exact same playbook word for word? Where does everyone even learn these expressions? I would love to know why everybody says the same thing all the time. Is it really? Because you're just like everyone else or are you special? If you really don't want to be like everybody else don't use the same words, expressions and reactions as everybody else, moral of the story. Instead of being so shocked that you're doing this. How about celebrating your accountability responsibility, owning your choices and having a little fun since you, in fact, if you are turned on and excited, show it off, let the person know that you want to be having some great sex.
Speaker 0 01:17:01 Number 21. Here's an equation. You can press the delete button on. Anytime someone says something is something or something equals or X equals X, Y equals Y. Or if X, then X expressions along these lines are what will be, will be. Let's just see what happens. I don't know. Let's just keep it chill. Who knows what will happen if we get there, we'll get there. If not, we won't, don't try to force it. Just let it happen. Naturally. Let's look at an example. Let's say person a and person B both want to spend intimate, romantic time together. But person B is saying don't force it. I don't want to rush things. Just chill. Let's keep it relaxed. If it happens, it happens. If it's meant to be, it'll be, let's not try to make anything happen or the big killer chemistry should just happen on its own.
Speaker 0 01:17:49 So person a scratches, their head and says, Hmm, okay, sounds good. How does that work then if I'm not doing any of the initiating or advancing and neither are you, or just sort of chilling and seeing what works out and what happens. Yeah. Chill, chill. You got to relax. You just got to let it happen on its own. Don't force it. And I personally have been dying to know my whole life. How exactly something can happen all by itself without anyone taking any action. Now I'm not talking about spiritually speaking here because certainly many things in life can come about on their own. A manifestation of seeing certain animals that you love when you go on a hike or the creation of a project or an idea in your mind. But on some level it involves almost inevitably the will of someone. And it may just be you, you have to go to the place to see these animals.
Speaker 0 01:18:40 You have to be in the right circumstance to make something happen. Now you might say to yourself, oh, I manifested this or I created it. But chances are, if it involved money or resources or going somewhere or getting in somewhere, someone else had a hand in that and they took action. They did nudge or push or open a door or move things forward or take it a step further. So X equals X. If it happens, it'll happen. If we get there, we'll get there kind of nonsense sort of suggest that Tinkerbell is going to come sprinkle some magic fairy dust on both of you. And then before you know, it you're going to live happily ever after. And then look at that. It was meant to be. So this idea that without asking, without driving, without trying, without someone leading or deciding or making a choice, you'll just suddenly be together on top of all that magically.
Speaker 0 01:19:32 You're supposed to have this feeling that it was meant to be because it happened out of nowhere without any effort was in my friends who decides what's going to be, how does that happen? Does no one decide? And if no one decides if no one chooses or feels or does anything, how does it happen? And most importantly, if it really is meant to be, how exactly does it come into being, if not by the hand of someone who has taken action made a choice or asked some sort of question. In fact, if anybody does anything to bring two people, which by the way is required to come together. That is in fact the opposite of just being chill, sitting back and letting it happen. They've taken a step. They haven't sat back, kept a chill, just relaxed or not done anything. So if two people are sitting across from each other on two different park, benches, they both want each other.
Speaker 0 01:20:23 They both would love to have sex. They'd love to be together and spend time together, but no one does anything to make anything happen. Please tell me how it will be meant to be. And the point is, all of these are rhetorical statements and questions. Somebody's got to do something. And usually, usually that winds up being the man who has to take action, someone's got to make the eye contact. Someone has to wink or smile or approach move the whole thing forward. And so it's a bit of a misnomer to say, let's just keep it chill. What will be will be if it happens, it happens because in order for it to happen, someone actually has to do something. So you're shooting yourself in the foot by pulling back like that. If you're genuinely not interested in this person, you should say my three favorite words in the whole planet. I'm not interested. I'm not interested in you. I don't want to take this further. I'm not attracted to you. I don't want anything from this. Then it's all clear, but when you're waiting and you're trying to make some sort of fairytale happen out of nothing, and the other person has left just sitting there waiting because you're waiting because we're as opposed to see if it's meant to be, it's likely that nothing's ever going to happen.
Speaker 0 01:21:39 Number 22, I recently heard this deeply moving powerful and intelligent quote. I look for someone who has like shit going for them. That like has their shit together. Because I don't know. I don't like messy people who just like, just get your shit together. We're all adults. Like at this point in my life, I wouldn't want to hook up with someone who doesn't have their shit together. Like why I'm young, but have always been mature for my age. Oh wow. Here we have an example of someone getting angry at an imaginary person who doesn't have their life together in a very interesting way. But what I think she's trying to get at here is the following. It would seem that women have inherent value value in the sexual marketplace, just by being born. They have value by how they look. They don't have to do anything for them to be valuable.
Speaker 0 01:22:28 Whereas men on the other hand have to earn their value. They have to become a man who has an earned his value in this woman's eyes. The man who hasn't become yet doesn't have his shrimp together, but this could actually mean anything. He lives at home with his mom, or he only has an apartment or really has a townhouse, or he has a small home, or he doesn't have enough homes. It can mean he has a job or no job or a job that she doesn't deem as being valuable. Or he makes less than a hundred K a year, which is usually the case. Maybe he does something to make a lot of money, but doesn't know what his purpose is in life. And so he's lost a little bit that way. And this turns her off. All of these things tend to be important to women because women choose and select men who are superior to them.
Speaker 0 01:23:10 They don't want someone equal or of lesser value. And the interesting thing is in today's reality, the more a woman becomes a boss, babe, or a bad bitch or whatever you want to call it. As she begins to move up that ladder of being super successful and super independent, the less likely it will be for her to find someone who's a match because the requirements will be that this man makes more money than you is more driven than you has a stronger, bigger vision or purpose than you be taller than you be more confident than you be more sexual than you all of these areas. He needs to be superior to win you over. And you're already trying to outdo yourself in those areas by being an independent successful woman. Now, do I have any issue with strong successful women? Absolutely not. I love successful intelligent women, but lowering your standards, lowering what you want or look for in a man is one option, which you will come to find that almost no woman wants to do in any way, shape or form or recognizing that there may need to be some changes in yourself and your own lifestyle as well.
Speaker 0 01:24:10 If you want to attract the kind of man that you're looking for, all right, number 23, we're getting up there. It has to be the energy. I just have to have that energy like that big Dick energy. This was a response to the question. What turns you on in a man? If someone's trying to figure out what you like or someone's soliciting you, or you're being interviewed on a show or you're on television and you tell someone you like big Dick energy, or it has to be the energy. No one is going to know what you're really talking about. We all generally know what you're talking about. We know you're talking about probably confidence and someone who just comes at you with all the right moves. But if the guy isn't your type, you're likely to be repulsed by that big Dick energy and think it's totally creepy along the lines of using words like energy and other vague expressions that women use to describe what they're looking for in men. May I recommend that you begin to note when you're being vague and trying to be a little more descriptive. It's all about a vibe. It's all about the energy. It's all about a feeling. This does absolutely nothing to help a man understand what he needs to do to get closer to you.
Speaker 0 01:25:16 All right. Let's enjoy another quote from an individual who speaking about how many men she's got in her DMS, who incidentally thinks that she's very, very special herself. Remember this quote? I really think it's funny how like the men think they have a shot with me. Like they send you a DM and they really think they're going to meet me. They really think they're going to get my number. You're not special. I'm sorry. You're not special. And quote, what's important to see here is, are we all special or is no one special? Are you the only person who is special compared to all those other girls is no man special and no man worthy of being treated as special. But you are telling someone they're not special is not something that we need to say to people anymore. But it's a great reminder for ourselves.
Speaker 0 01:26:04 Number 24 is creating fights from nothing. I was listening to an interview and a person said, you can't tell me to do this. And the person listening replied, I didn't say you can't do that. And then the first person snapped. You can't tell me what to do, period. So some people have a tendency to create conflict or a problem or a fight or drama from thin air where nothing was there before. But now suddenly you're having a discussion and argument about it. Or a boundary has been put up when the boundary had never been broken to begin with it's aggressive and unattractive and a better solution is to not pick imaginary fights to begin with in case this was somehow regulatory to you.
Speaker 0 01:26:47 All right. Number 25. This one is huge. The concept of judgment judging or the constant plea from the peanut gallery to not judge don't judge don't judge me. You're so judgy ill he's judging me. Just love me. What does it mean to judge, to judge means to form, give or have as an opinion or decide about something or someone, especially after thinking carefully. Now that doesn't sound so bad, does it often people will say, well, you've got no right to judge someone based on what they look like or what they believe and that's valid, but this expression is thrown around so much in so often and used so colloquially, but it's not even used correctly. Judging means you're allowed to have one opinion or the other. It could be favorable or it could be negative, or it can even be neutral when you pass judgment on something.
Speaker 0 01:27:37 You can say, I judge that. I love it. What did the judges on dancing with the stars? Do they judge sometimes harshly and sometimes very favorably. But when people today say, don't judge, what they're actually saying and asking for is don't think negatively about anything that I do. Don't look at it in a bad light, think only positive thoughts of me, whatever I decide to do, whatever I decide to create. However, I decide to speak to someone. However, I react to you, however harmful I might be to you. Don't judge me and don't be negative towards me. Don't have any kind of negative opinion at all. Ever. In fact, there are so many people who believe that if you aren't supporting them and being their favorite cheerleader, always getting excited about everything they're doing and admiring every photo and liking every post and making a phenomenally big deal about them.
Speaker 0 01:28:29 That there's something wrong or there's something wrong with you or that you need to always be keeping up with them. This terrible idea of always keeping up. So I had sex with five people today, but don't judge, they slept with three people in an hour. Don't judge. They didn't shower after don't judge, I'm going to jump off a cliff. Don't judge. I'm going to be an escort. Don't judge. I'm going to commit bank fraud, but don't judge. But by the way, if I do anything that I think is a positive for my life, then be my number one cheerleader. But don't judge. If it doesn't work and don't judge, if there's anything negative about it, oh, what a despicable phrase and request to say, no matter what I do, no matter how crazy, how inappropriate, how rude, how despicable, how disgusting, just don't think negatively about it.
Speaker 0 01:29:14 Don't judge suggest that you should be able to do anything you want, no matter how painful it might be to anyone else involved, but you should keep your opinions to yourself. Now, is it generally speaking a good idea for anyone to keep their opinions to themselves? Of course, but the request seems to say, have no opinion, don't think for yourself. And if you do have an opinion, only have the one that I want you to have. And this often comes up in relationships where someone thinks that once they're together and monogamous with someone, that they still have the right to go do whatever they want, say whatever they want react. However they want without consequence and without judgment. But this just isn't the case. There is not a human alive on the planet today, unless you've been meditating under a rock for 20 years, who does not have a strong opinion about what someone else does or does not do nobody, even a perfect stranger walking across the street.
Speaker 0 01:30:05 It's difficult for someone not to have a judgment or an opinion about how they look or how they appear, how they're acting or what they're saying. Even if you're in the same socioeconomic status, even if you're wearing similar clothing, it doesn't matter. People are judging. Is she bigger than you fatter than you are her shoes bigger? Is her outfit nicer or her clothes ugly? Or does she look better? Is her hair thicker? It goes on and on and on, or having an opinion or exhibiting a preference. But the idea that you think you can ask someone to not do this or abstain from it is virtually impossible. They might hold their tongue. They might not say it, but you can't stop them from thinking it. And then on top of it, all what's usually used to backup or boast or this idea of non-judgment is the following phrase.
Speaker 0 01:30:51 Well, you never know what someone else's situation is. You never know what they're going through. Be careful who you judge, they might be going through something. Absolutely sure. You never know what someone is going through, but that doesn't give them permission to treat someone horribly or to do terrible things. You know, there's been times over the years where I've been to dinner with a girlfriend or something and the waiter or the waitress is just a horrible human being. And the service is just awful. I E two total interactions. Do you know what you want to order? Here's the check. And often when I've wanted to say something or make a comment to the manager, even confront the waiter head on about it. Uh, my date might say, don't judge, don't judge. You don't know what they're going through, what they've been through. They could be having a really hard day.
Speaker 0 01:31:31 And I think to myself, yeah, sure. I could be having a very hard day myself over here is anyone considered that I'm going out to a restaurant to get over my hard day. Now I'm all for empathy and everybody getting along and things being all nice and sweet after all my company name is closeness. But this idea of constantly needing to be always understanding of others and subservient to others because they might be suffering. Anytime someone is actually treating you poorly. I don't think it's always necessary to find some enormous amount of understanding so that they could have empathy. And you can understand what they might be going through. Especially for instance, if you've been dealing with a customer service issue and you've been transferred to India, Thailand, Philippines, back to tier one over to tier two, that call disconnected. Now it's not available. Now they have to send it off to engineering.
Speaker 0 01:32:17 Now it has to be escalated to tier three. Now a new representative has to call you back and you have to explain the whole story all over again. Yeah, no you're allowed to express your frustration when it's warranted and you're allowed to place judgment situationally. Yes. I think it's tremendous to have understanding and patience with people and when you're one-on-one, but when you're in a high-end restaurant ordering something and the server can't do even the bare minimum that they're hired to do such as greet you or say hello, or tell you about a special or check in and see if they can get to anything else. There's a problem. And this translates to all areas of life, simply because someone else might be having a bad day or they're angry, or they're less resourceful than you are. Maybe they're upset or hurt, or they're treating someone else terribly.
Speaker 0 01:33:01 I'm not the biggest fan of giving perfect strangers, that level of understanding, empathy and concern. When they're actually receiving money to do a job that requires them to treat their customers with decency and respect while they are treating everyone else like a doormat. So you can't circumvent bad behavior simply by saying, don't judge. We all have challenging times. We all have hard lives. We're all experiencing some crazy drama or going through some emotional pain, sometimes multiple times a day and sometimes over multiple subjects. But, and this is what ties it all together. Here. There is a standard of decorum of how you act socially of how to be polite and respectful of how one should comport themselves. When interacting with others, there truly is a way that we must behave socially and in society, if we want others to respect us, acknowledge us, or just even to be a functioning member of society, especially if we want to be treated as an equal or esteemed by our peers, or just treated with respect.
Speaker 0 01:34:04 This isn't about control. We're trying to make everybody the same or standardizing a language or trying to create one. I don't know, race or being or whatever. It's just about being polite, polite, and friendly. My friends. It's something our world is truly missing. If we're in public, it is our obligation and duty to just be courteous to our neighbors. It's important to be cordial, friendly, respectful, polite. Yes. We should honor our own boundaries and know we don't have to smile to make anyone else happy. And no, you don't owe anybody. Anything other than a little bit of respect and courtesy, welcome to concept number 26. I don't want to argue. I'm not here to argue. I'm not going to argue with you, Jennifer. I don't want to argue right now. Do you know what my answer to that statement is then don't, don't engage. Don't turn it into an argument.
Speaker 0 01:35:00 The sad part about this is the kind of person who uses this expression is the one who's usually starting an argument by saying that it wasn't an argument until they said that. And then it became hostile almost inevitably, the person who spoke first and then who's being told that the other person doesn't want to argue is not actually creating an argument. They're expressing an opinion or a feeling or telling you what's going on with them. And they're certainly not trying to cause a scene or create a situation. So the thing to look out for here is if there's any kind of resistance based on what person a wants versus person B, and when person B is the one who likes to say they don't like to argue. If there's a difference of opinion, suddenly there's this. I don't want to argue with you right now.
Speaker 0 01:35:43 We're not doing this. I don't want to argue. We're not talking about it. And once again, it feels as though the entire universe has access to this playbook of pointless expressions that everybody seems to use. Why do we all use the same terrible expressions to react to the same triggers? It's terrible. I don't want to argue. Not only creates an argument right then and there, but it's something that is pulled out, whipped out retaliated with so quickly that no one else even has the chance to form an opinion or express a preference before someone tells you that they are not here to argue. I'll even pick a really benign example. I can recall a time where I've been in a store and I've been paying for something at the register and I give them a 20 and they should be giving me back for 50 and changed.
Speaker 0 01:36:24 But they only give me back two 50. And I say, I think you gave you back the wrong change. And they say, I don't think I did. And I say, I think he did. And they say, I'm not going to argue with you. Let me get a manager. I mean, zero to 100 instantly. And I just think to myself, my God, or pull out a calculator or take a breath, or just look down at the numeric keypad. People are so quick to run away or disappear or vanish or think that because there's a disagreement of opinion or fact, even that this is now an argument to me. Here's what an argument really is. Without even looking it up, it means that you are unwilling to see the other person's side even a little bit. And you find yourself locked completely in your ego, going back and forth.
Speaker 0 01:37:04 Yes you did. No you didn't. Yes you did. No, you didn't make me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. It usually sounds like bickering and no one is actually listening. It's my belief that the person who says I don't wanna argue is actually shutting down the other person, refusing to listen to what they have to say. And by the very nature of speaking that sentence, they're actually creating an argument and a very resentful fight. So if you actually truly, really don't want to argue, try taking a breath, opening your body language, try to become a little open-minded to what your partner is saying to you and listening to what the person actually is saying. Hear them out. See if you feel differently, acknowledge their point if possible, and then share yours. And then you won't be having an argument anymore. Simple. Right? Good luck.
Speaker 0 01:37:51 Number 27. We touched on it a little earlier, but it's really complicated. It's so complicated. It's complicated right now. What's your relationship status? It's complicated. What's going on with that guy? Oh, it's so complicated to which I always want to ask. Is it, or is it just the fact that they won't commit or you want one thing and they want something else is it's so very complicated. Can you really not distill it down to one or two things that you want out of this, but somehow this is everyone's favorite way to describe the situation that they're going through because they think there are so many layers to it. It's really not complicated at all. Usually someone is not compromising on something or someone loves someone, but there are a few things that they don't like about them or something is going on that someone doesn't like, it's really not all that complicated. I simplify these kinds of things for a living. And I see them everyday laid before me. So telling someone it's complicated as a reason to not express yourself, unless you're trying to avoid the situation altogether. So slowing it down. And once again, I encourage you to take a deep breath, think it through for a moment, get it all straight in your head and try to speak in succinct sentences. Try sharing a few details before throwing your hands in the air and saying it's complicated.
Speaker 0 01:39:08 Number 28 is very interesting and unusual. I think have brought it up into their podcasts before. No matter who in the world is listening to this. If I start suddenly referring to myself, no matter how cool I am, no matter how much wisdom I have, no matter how special you may perceive me to be. If I start referring to myself as a God, a Lord aleesh and overlord you're king or a divine masculine being chances are a good portion of the population will think I'm crazy or an arrogant narcissist. And you probably certainly wouldn't recommend that I date your sister. You'd probably make other judgments. Like this guy must be full of ego or he's super arrogant. And yet in our equal society, there seems to be absolutely no problem with any female referring to herself. As you guessed it, a goddess, a queen, someone who's walking the path of her divine, feminine.
Speaker 0 01:40:00 They can have goddess circles. God has gatherings. These are not merely women or girls. These are not mere mortals. These are the divine feminine express through female form. In fact, these girls have exalted themselves and to a new level of divinity, you are not just talking to a girl. This is someone who has tapped into their divinity. She's a love goddess. In many cases, this type of verbiage does not serve anyone in any way other than to yet again, bolster someone's fragile ego. And I believe that most people latch on to things like this because it makes them feel better about themselves or more superior to other people, as opposed to truly tapping in to our God force nature, but that doesn't have to do with comparison and who's better. And if she's a goddess and she isn't or what you deserve because you are this goddess, and I want you to know this is coming from someone who actually does believe in the divine masculine and in the divine feminine and believes that we are all a divine expression of creation.
Speaker 0 01:40:59 But when you come to find out that I've been referring to myself as the king or the Lord or the God, when it's used as an ego trip, when it's continuously used to separate yourself as being better than others and to exalt yourself above what you are, I do not believe it's a process of reclaiming or that it's a healthy process for people to think this way. When we use language, like I deserve I'm owed. If he or she wants to be with me, they need to behave like this and he better, or she better. Or if they want to spend time with me, they need to know how to act like this and do that aside from it just sounding really awful to everyone on the outside. Nobody wants to be with anyone like this. It's absurd. Imagine I say similar phrases, but in the masculine, a woman needs to know her place.
Speaker 0 01:41:45 If a woman's lucky enough to be with me, she better act right. And bring all this to the table. I deserve to have seven wives. This is just my masculine divinity. It's my true nature. And if a woman wants to spend time with me, she better bow down and respect my authority. It's like, get out of here. It's crazy. Talk. Hold on. Wait. I think it's coming back again. I'm feeling something in here. I, oh yeah. I'm feeling the power now. I'm a Demi. God, I run this thing, man. I make moves. It's the divine masculinity, man. I feel it coursing through my veins. Does that sound healthy to you? Does that have an awesome ring to it? Does that sound good for people to respond and act that way? It's a little bit like blowing hot air up someone's butt. So be aware when you use these phrases, when you go to the retreats and you do all these circles and you explore all these things and you call one another, these names, it's wonderful to find confidence in yourself. It's the number one attractive quality that a man can have for a woman as wonderful. When a woman is confident herself, I acknowledge it's a very challenging thing to do to discover our own self-confidence and our own self-worth, but we don't need to refer to ourselves as Lords and gods and goddesses to get there.
Speaker 0 01:42:54 This last one is going to take up two placeholders because it's so important. Number 29 and 30, this is a very fragile one. And I've alluded to it before in different episodes. But again, it's worth talking about here. This is the concept of flipping the script and it happens when a partner comes to you to share their heart, they open up to you and get vulnerable and tell you what they need. And they do it with really clear language. Like it hurts me when you do this. And I don't understand why we can't get this right. Or baby, I can't handle not hearing from you for this long. I understand. Maybe you're not a big texter or maybe you don't like to be on the phone, but it really matters to me. Can you call me once in a while? It would really mean the world to me, or when you vanished for hours on end, it really causes me a lot of pain.
Speaker 0 01:43:41 I would love for you to check in, in a really loving way. I'd love to have a little conversation with you. A 10 minute talk. That's genuinely connecting with you and not just talking about fluff or what you've up to. Or when you say these things, it causes me pain. Or when you choose Facebook, Instagram, and all of your social media over me, it really hurts. Or I see that you notice all of your likes comments and subscriptions, but when I text you or I reach out to your, I call you, it feels like I'm at the bottom of the barrel, or like I'm deprioritized. But yet in your language you say, you love me. And you say you care. Or it's really obvious that you've been online, liking things and watching videos, but you haven't gotten back to me in 6, 10, 12, or 15 hours.
Speaker 0 01:44:24 That hurts when it feels like you prioritize everyone else over me. And on the last one who gets to see you that stings. I know you have a job to do. I know you're super busy. I know it takes up a lot of your life, but it sure does make me feel like I'm on the back burner. I feel like I don't matter to you as much as I once did. And you can solve all of that just by being the way you naturally are, the way you naturally showed me X amount of weeks, months, or years ago when you used to call me. But now you never call me. It makes me feel really bad when you leave for travel or work. And it feels as though I don't exist, or your messages become an afterthought or you take endless hours to reply or there isn't love anymore.
Speaker 0 01:45:06 In the responses, this really, really hurts me or ease the texts. Me such wonderful, sweet things all the time. And I don't expect them all the time, but now it seems to have stopped completely what's going on. Or I really don't understand why you're pulling back or what's happening, or I know you think you're not pulling back. But to me it feels like the world has been pulled from beneath my feet. And I miss you. And I miss us and I miss who we used to be together. What's going on? What's happening? What are you not telling me? What's really there. Can we get back to where we were? Do you want to be in this? Do you want to be in this together? Do you want to be doing this with me? Or are you more interested in fun, freedom, excitement, and other experiences.
Speaker 0 01:45:49 What's inhibiting us from flourishing. What's inhibiting this love from growing. Is it a label thing? Is that the amount of time we're spending together? I care about you so much. I love you so much. I miss you. I feel like we're not seeing each other anymore. I'm hurting. Show me, help me. I'm in pain. I need your help. Can you be there for me right now? When someone opens themselves up to you to that level, with that much vulnerability, it really does fall on you to stop almost anything that you're doing and care for the situation, address the situation. This is kind of like code red emergency. It's not when you get to it, if you feel like it after you check your social media, after you respond to all your friends, after you spend a full day with one of your boyfriends or girlfriends, handle it before it turns into something much worse.
Speaker 0 01:46:39 Give of yourself, show up. That's the most important thing. Show up with sincerity, with presence and with the desire to love on your partner. Not fake, love, not, oh, you know, I love you and why? I don't even know why you're saying this. That's just ridiculous. Let me just give you a pity, fuck or tap you on the shoulder as a quick little cuddle. And here you go. And oh, this really isn't masculine. And I don't know. I don't know if I like this and all of these other reactionary responses. Now, the worst thing you can do is get offended or feel attacked or retaliate with some nasty phrase. Like it feels like it's never enough. What you ask for when someone's asking you for a little more and you tell them that it feels like it's never enough, the worst kind of pain. Maybe you've given a horrible statement to someone before.
Speaker 0 01:47:30 Like, what do you want for me? I don't know what you want. What do you want me to do? I'm sorry. You're hurting right now, but I don't know what you want me to do about it. I'm working. I'm with my friends. I'm traveling. I'm out. I'm busy. I'm with family. Don't you see I'm in the middle of living a very important social life and following my dreams and living my bliss and getting back to my fans on social media. Don't you see how important this is? And you're over here trying to ask me for some attention. Maybe you said something like, it feels like everything I do is never enough. I feel like you're picking on me all the time, or you always have something to say about me when the person is actually telling you that they're hurting, or you've always got something to complain about.
Speaker 0 01:48:06 And you know what a couple of the phrases that are the most difficult to handle are when someone's actually really nice, but doesn't budge. I don't want you to feel this way. I'm sorry. You're in pain or I see you're in pain and I'm sorry, you're in pain, but then I'm not going to do anything about it. And my actions are going to stay the same. And I think that, because I said, I'm sorry, or I feel bad, or, oh, I don't want you to feel this way. That that somehow helps or means something. When in fact it often isn't even barely a band-aid. Maybe you've been someone who has chosen to dive into deep exaggeration. When someone opens their heart or is vulnerable with you, what do you want me to do? Call you twenty four seven and just always be available to you. I have a life, but you think I could just send you loving emoji every minute of the day.
Speaker 0 01:48:54 It's not me. It's not real, but maybe all your partner said was I feel the communication dwindling, or you always used to be this way. And now you're not. And it's from like one extreme to the next. How did we go from you sending me a hundred emoji a day to none, or from calling me four times a day to not even calling me once in three weeks, oftentimes there's a dramatic switch. And at the base or root of that is some unresolved emotion that just needs to come up and come out and get expressed. Maybe you've said something like, please understand that I'm working. Don't you understand how busy I am. I'm trying to make everything work for this family. I'm trying to pay the bills. I'm trying to pay rent on the one providing or I'm trying to set up my career or I'm trying to build out my future.
Speaker 0 01:49:37 Don't, you know, I'm very busy. Don't you know how much I'm dealing with right now. Please understand I'm with my friends right now. And I don't want to be bothered or please understand that this is a really hard time for me, right? Or any other type of retaliation that makes you the victim and puts all the attention on you and takes all of the attention off the person who's asking for help. This is horrible. Horrible. Let me say it one more time. When you make yourself the victim or the one who needs to be understood when someone else has already bled their heart out to you now is not the time to do that. You can do it in a couple of days or in a week, but never in the moment that someone is trying to share that with you, when you take their thunder and it becomes about you needing more time for yourself, more space, more attention, and you pulling back even further.
Speaker 0 01:50:28 When the person is telling you that they're actually hurting about that. This is devastating to the relationship. It obliterates trust, and it creates deep resentment that can only be solved through giving some love. So when you react this way, it invalidates your partner's feelings. It makes it feel like their feelings don't matter, that they don't matter to you. And if they want their feelings addressed, now they've got to make you feel better and listen to you and make sure you're okay and listen to your tears before any of their needs can get addressed. If they ever do to actually repair something like this, it often takes weeks or months because if someone expresses their true feelings for you or their vulnerability or their true love or expresses that they want more from you because of how little you're giving and it creates a fight or an argument or needs aren't met, or emotions run hot.
Speaker 0 01:51:21 And there's usually several days that need to go by to repair that. And then you can't come right back and jump into what you're hurting about or what's wrong with the other person. You have to play nice for a bit and have a few nice dates and days together and wake up next to each other a few times and have things feel like it's going all right. And then finally, maybe in a few weeks, especially if there are business trips that come up or travel, or maybe you have a partner who likes to sweep everything under the rug and never deal with it or never address it. Sometimes it's having people coming in and out of town to visit. Then maybe you try to bring it up again and you make your vulnerable partner feel worse by saying things like, oh, these conversations are always so heavy with you.
Speaker 0 01:52:00 I don't want to get into it with you. I really don't have the time, energy or space to get into this with you. I don't really want to talk about our relationship at all. Let's just keep it light. We can have SACS. We can have dinner, we can do anything, but let's just not talk about anything real. And by the way, Janice, the secretary or John, my boss, well, they keep things light. And they're so funny. And the grass seems really greener over there. And everything seems so much easier. Maybe I should just go do that. And now the whole thing has turned upside down. It's a mistake to think that when your partner expresses love to you and your response is to fantasize about how the grass is greener, how much lighter it is with someone else who doesn't know you live with you, interact with you has been there for you for many, many years. You only make things worse. All this behavior puts your partner through more pain than you can imagine. All because you're taking the responsibility and you don't want to deal with it, or you're getting defensive and angry and you're putting it all back on them, just by flipping the script.
Speaker 0 01:53:00 When you take it personally and react, you make your partner feel bad and horrible forever bringing their feelings up. And it invalidates their feelings to the nth degree. It pushes down their needs and it really shuts your partner down. In fact, it shuts both people down because you're taking it personally, instead of hearing it as something constructive or a place where your partner needs help and your support. So these are the places where damage gets done to the relationship that is sometimes irreversible. This is where people don't want to go back and look at their own garbage. Here is where oftentimes people want to run and they can't take it anymore. As opposed to a very different answer, to simply understanding that your partner is hurting and they need you. And these are the times where you show up for them. If any of you have been in a relationship for longer than six months to a year, it's very likely you've come across some version of this.
Speaker 0 01:53:54 And you've been on one or the other side. So what do you do about all of this? The answer here takes a lot of courage and confidence, and it requires you to not be reactionary. It requires you to listen and tune in and self-reflect and say, wow, well, clearly I'm doing something that's hurting this other person. And I love them. So why don't I do something to actually fix it instead of pulling back and running away, how can I make it better? My God, I think I would faint. If I heard someone asked me that question, what can I do to make it better? And then you listened and then you did something about it. If you had it within you to give, which usually my friends usually is not your partner asking for the world or the universe, or 10 more dates or 600 calls or sex 50 times a week.
Speaker 0 01:54:47 It's usually something very small. And all you have to do is give it to restore an incredible love connection, as opposed to what shutting the whole thing down retracting and pulling back, making it about yourself, or even ending the relationship. And furthermore, I'm sorry is a start. It's a beginning, but it's nowhere near enough. What is an apology? If not just a word or a sincere sentiment, does it make anything better? Does it solve the problem? Does it help address the relationship's needs from here on out? So simply saying that or adding on other similar phrases, like, I don't want you to hurt. I'm sorry you're hurting. I don't want you to feel that way, but I'm not going to do anything about it, or I see that you're hurting, but I'm not going to change. I'm telling you my friends, this is devastating. Especially if the other person isn't asking so much of you, I'm still not going to pick up the phone.
Speaker 0 01:55:38 I'm still not going to answer within six to 15 hours. I'm still not gonna call you. I'm still not going to send you loving texts or, yeah, that's sad, but I'm not going to change my behavior in any way, because I can't be controlled or I don't want anyone telling me what to do, or I'm a free woman or I'm a free man. So you have to know that for most people, just the verbal acknowledgement does not mean a whole lot. If it's not followed by action. If the only thing you've got is I'm sorry, and I feel bad and I don't want you to feel bad. What are you really doing for the relationship? How are you showing up? What role are you playing? And what are you bringing to the table other than just a tiny bit of empathy, but you know what?
Speaker 0 01:56:19 You've got so much more control, so much more power than, you know, to make things beautiful, to restore love, again, to make things happy and bright. You can surprise your lover. You can just give them what they want. You can just give them a call or two and really be present and not be resentful and bitter. Like, see, I did it are fine. Here's your call? So these are the moments that matter. These are life's most important moments. When a partner or lover or husband or wife cannot sit down and in a safe space, open their heart, share what's going on and get something reciprocated. There's a problem. What a beautiful gift to be able to be heard, valued, cherished, and listened to, and to have someone show up for you, physically in person, putting their arms around you, holding you close, looking you in the eyes, giving you real connection.
Speaker 0 01:57:14 Do you know that in these moments, this is like oxygen for your love. This is all they need. They don't want to hug anyone else touch. Anyone else love anyone else. They want it from you and your, the puppet master the key master the gatekeeper, the one who's holding it back for silly reasons. In most cases, silly, stupid reasons. You can give more. Number 19 and 20 is about looking out for when your love says something to you that expresses a need and it's not hostile and it's not aggressive. It comes from a place of them wanting to love you more, or be closer to you. Not have distance. They're bringing this to your attention because they want more closeness. They want to share more tender times together. And the delivery may not feel perfect. It may not feel positive. They may not sound like your biggest cheerleader in that moment, but put your ego aside.
Speaker 0 01:58:05 If they're not saying to you things like, why are you such a and why don't you ever, and they're really not tearing you apart, but they're opening vulnerably to you with real expressions that let you know how they feel from the bottom of their heart. I'd like to encourage you to try the opposite of the worst behavior on the planet. Such as retracting, pulling back, running away, shutting down, becoming angry, getting violent, becoming aggressive, having a nasty tone or the worst of the worst. Being really, really sweet and nice and caring and loving, but not doing anything about it. And if instead you could, on the other hand, love, listen, smile, breathe, get face to face with your partner or video, chat them, touch them, connect with them, prioritize them, give them time, give them love. Give them energy. They've been with you for a long time. Putting that love energy into restoring your relationship. That is what it's all about. That is love.
Speaker 0 01:59:10 Thank you for joining me on this incredible and unusual journey through language today. I hope you've enjoyed the podcast immensely. If this struck a chord and you or your partner are interested in real relationship coaching, please don't hesitate to reach out via my
[email protected] forward slash intake to fill out our online intake form and get started. We offer in-person sessions as well as virtual. You can subscribe to us on
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