Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Welcome to the Closeness podcast, your new sexual education. My name is Tari. I'm your host, and today we're talking about the 13 easy to fix roadblocks that are preventing you and your partner from having sex right now. Now, for many of you, if you're in a new relationship, you may be surprised to hear a podcast like this. Why would we not be having sex? But it's unbelievable how many reasons we come up with as humans to not have sex or enjoy it as often as we'd like to. In fact, I think more people use the excuse of not wanting to have sex to avoid intimacy altogether than you can possibly imagine. And so, for many people, if penetration isn't happening or real sex isn't happening, it's very likely that sensual and sexual intimacy isn't happening either. You might hold hands, you might be friends, you might be snuggling on the couch together a lot. But in the absence of sexuality, friendship prevails. And there are many things that surprisingly get in the way of us wanting to have sex with our partners who we are attracted to and we want to be with. Whether it's feelings of worthiness, time, being tired, feeling exhausted, not being heard or understood, not feeling like your partner values you, all number of things get in the way that makes sex take the back burner. Now, if you're a very sexual person, this may sound completely foreign to you, but for many people, including possibly your own partner, husband, or wife, finding ways to be intimate and be sexual can be a very difficult process, especially in a long term relationship. It's something we need and want, but we don't have the right resources to do so. We don't know how to act on it. Why? Some of us have been awkward from the very beginning with sex. We don't do anything. We don't initiate, we don't start. We're passive. And this goes for men and women, by the way. Some of us never put our focus or attention on being sexual. For some of us, it was never important.
[00:02:02] And so the times that it has happened in our life, it feels like we've just sort of stumbled upon it because the other person initiated. Or maybe we're so cute or handsome or pretty or attractive that we never had to think about it much because the other people in our lives have always wanted us so badly. Well, what happens when the person that you've relied on to initiate and get things going for so long, what happens when they become shy or passive or feel unattractive themselves or feel like they always do all the work and they don't want to do it anymore. Maybe they're insecure or nervous, or their body changes. They become a little bit less attracted to you, or you're a little bit less attracted to them, or they've been rejected one too many times. Dozens and dozens of things get in the way of two people coming together to have sex in a long term relationship, including some people who are just starting out now. The first few may seem incredibly obvious to you, but sometimes when you're living in the situation and you even know that this is what your partner does, as you'll see momentarily, there is just something that is very, very peculiar about not wanting to listen to your own partner, or thinking that they don't know, or not taking them seriously, or not trusting that hey, what they're saying, they mean it. It's hurting them that you are behaving in this way, or it's affecting them or preventing them from initiating with you. If you're behaving in this way, you're doing these things. So be sure to listen through to the end, because you will for sure come across ideas that will help you in your sex life, even if you already know them. Or your partner's been telling you this, but you haven't put it into action. And now that you hear it from me, suddenly it becomes important.
[00:03:44] And sometimes a fix is right underneath our nose and we don't even realize it. And that's the case for this first roadblock. This is for the families and couples and individuals who have so much going on in their lives. They're filling their time and space with so many different things and activities that they don't realize they've left precisely zero time for sex, intimacy and connection. Roadblock number one is all about logistics. This means, for example, that he may like to have sex late at night and you love doing it first thing in the morning, or he can't stay awake past eight or 09:00 p.m. And you're more of a night owl. He gets home from work around five or six. You both go immediately into feeding the kids and having dinner and putting them down to sleep, and then you go right to bed and there's no time to do anything. And somehow, even though you were never like this five or ten or 50 years ago, we create these little tiny windows where we give ourselves permission to have sex weekly or bi weekly. And it's fine to prefer sex in the morning or to say, hey, you know, I get more turned on towards the evening time preferences are wonderful. But if you're in this little thing called a committed monogamous relationship and you're living with this person, but they're sleeping at 05:00 a.m. Or 04:00 a.m. And that's when you want to do it, or they're exhausted by eight or 09:00 p.m. And can hardly stay awake while sitting on the couch. Or perhaps you've filled your schedule to such a degree that you only have this tiny little window to explore between the hours of seven and 08:00 p.m. Or right after you put the kids down and right before bed, there's a 30 minutes crack, you are by default, and by virtue of filling your space with so many other things, limiting yourself to spontaneity, connection, freedom, the ability to interact intimately when you'd like. Now, I recognize that it's not in the cards for everybody. Sometimes we're in a season in life where we truly just have no time. And we've spoken about this before. You're remodeling your house or your bathroom, and you've got a family member staying with you, or friends are coming into town for two weeks or three weeks, and the whole place is a mess. Plus, you both are working eight to 12 hours a day, and you have kids. I mean, there's just no way. A logistical problem means you've just piled so much on your plate that there's no room to be intimate. But I find that a lot of people get into these habits where just by default, all of their love and attention goes towards the kids or all of their energy goes towards working. And believe it or not, there are 30 minutes windows or hour long windows. Ideally, I think 90 minutes is a good amount of time to help a woman get out of her head, relax, and unwind a little bit, and then move into something a little more sensual or sexual.
[00:06:22] But if logistics are getting in the way for too long, that's when it winds up snowballing into other things. Something like, well, he's exhausted all the time, so she doesn't initiate. Now she doesn't initiate. So he thinks she's disinterested, she thinks he's disinterested, so she stops trying or addressing a certain way, or walking by topless or laying on his lap, and now it really seems like no one cares. And so if you can iron out your logistical problem and simply have a conversation or two or three, or have it mediated by me about how and when you could or should be having sex or when to carve out this 90 minutes window. Many of you are operating under the premise that just because your female partner said she likes to do it in the morning, that that's the only time she's available. Sometimes it's nice to just come together and share intimacy and closeness in any capacity, even if penetration doesn't happen again. A lot of you have heard that a partner has a certain preference, and you've ran with that, including the person saying it. But what you don't realize is anybody would welcome the right kind of intimacy from the person who they loved at almost any time if done in a way that they find it attractive. A lot of clients report back to me and say, you know, Tari, we used to do it all the time. We used to make time for this. He always used to do this. I always used to do that. What happened? And I say one or both of you stopped doing the things that make that happen. You put fussing in front of it or being too tired or too lazy, or filling your day with other things that you can't do, or someone else decided to no longer do the things that they used to do. It's a very easy fix.
[00:08:02] So when we're in the office together, I like to break down what I call three levels of affection. When you're alone with your partner and you're spending what most of us call quality time, it helps to divide quality time up into three categories. We've got what most people are doing, which is some version of platonic interaction. And that means that your interactions together are non sexual, nonsensual. Slightly better than maybe living with a roommate because someone puts their hand on the other's lap or their arm around the other person, or maybe gives a little snuggle. So that's either no affection, no connection, no touching, or the smallest amount of physical contact. And in terms of kissing, that looks something like this.
[00:08:45] Hi, babe. Bye, babe. Hugs, pat, pat on the shoulder, miss you, love you. Okay, good night kiss, goodbye. Little squeeze here and there, a little wink. Kisses happen. They're on the cheek or on the forehead or even on the lips. It's just a quick peck. It's got no sensuality, very little eye contact, very little connection. And you're very procedural in your interactions. Then you have sensual interaction, which might be your lips meet. It lingers for a moment. It kind of feels like a longer kiss or a present touch or more eye contact or a little bit more hugging and cuddling. Sensual is also really nice. Rubbing, for lack of a better word, it's allowing the entire surface of your hand to caress someone. Not the back of your hand, not sometimes your fingertips, but usually your whole hand to be moving around their body in some sort of soothing or sensual or intimate way. And then, of course, you have sexual interaction, and that's going to be a make out session. Tongue is involved. Maybe some intense rubbing or eye contact or a buildup. The vibe and the nature of it feels a little more like passionate. There's intensity, there's desire. Something is building. Maybe there's some hair tugging or squeezing. Maybe if she likes it, you're drawing her towards you by her throat, or you're holding onto her breast or softly pinching a nipple, squeezing her hips, putting her in different positions, moving her in a way that feels sexually provocative. Now, what's crazy is that those of you who are lacking sex and intimacy in your relationship, most of you refuse to do any of that, including the sensual stuff, but especially the sexual stuff. And I will add that a lot of you will just sit there where you never used to sit there before, and you're waiting to see what your partner will do. This is usually something that a female will do. And so you wait and wait and wait and watch and watch and watch and wait for him to do something. But you're not giving your man any kind of indicator that you're having a good time. Like nothing. And I understand that, you know, you want your man to do a lot more, and that's what we work on in session. You want him to be more assertive, more aggressive or confident or whatever it is. But he needs to at least know that this is something that you want and not something that you're passively sitting there taking, because that's not attractive to either person.
[00:11:13] So sometimes we're just okay with some patting or caressing or some gentle touches, but no one's escalating anything to the next level if you're not planning to have sex or going to have sex the desired time. So straighten out your logistics, and this will at least begin to move your sex life forward.
[00:11:35] There is another type of logistical problem that falls under this category. We can call it one a and that's, in a way, how you have your bedroom or sofa or places that you might be intimate set up. What does that mean? Do you sleep in two different bedrooms? Do you have two separate mattresses? Does one or both of you put a huge body pillow or wall or fortress of pillows in between the two of you when you sleep? Therefore disallowing intimacy and even a warm foot to make its way over isn't really allowed. Do these walls have to go up every single night? Do you need to fluff and prepare the bed immediately as soon as you get in there? Or can intimacy happen first? Can one of you break down the barrier or simply reach over it or toss the pillow out of the way playfully? When you're watching tv or a show, are you sitting at opposite ends of the sofa? Do you each have your own special comfy chairs? Do you find that you each prefer different things to get comfortable and so you're not near each other or laying on each other? Do you need to get an entirely different piece of furniture which is available for some of you to bring you closer together? Is your sofa too large or too small? Is it too uncomfortable? Does it not recline? Is it not laid back? Is it not conducive to more than just staring at the tv? Sometimes the furniture in your own house that you've selected is creating a barrier to sexual intimacy.
[00:13:02] Also, just like a CPAP machine, we got to throw that in there as well. Some of you have this mask that you have to wear for sleep apnea and you're getting all strapped up before bed. I mean, there's just no way. You kind of feel like Darth Vader. Whether you're a man or a woman, there's no way that you or the other person is going to feel sexy or sexual. The same rules apply. That would apply if you just met someone for the first time. You wouldn't let them see you that way, you wouldn't present that way. You wouldn't just look your worst and still expect someone to satisfy you or want to pleasure you. Sexy has to exist in a different kind of domain.
[00:13:39] Subsection one B, we might call this one. Even lovers can't find the time. And I've got so many clients where they may not be married, they may not have children, they may not have any special engagements going on, but they're so taken up with their work or their promotion or their interviews or their hobbies or surfing or yoga or they prioritize things like getting their nails done or your mother or father was like this. So you got to run through a checklist where everything else has to get done.
[00:14:13] Number two and ever. On the heels of logistical problems, we've got family members, roommates, brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers who are, for whatever reason, still living with you or you're living with them. It's hard to have hot, passionate sex when family members are all living under the same roof, or you're caring for someone. And now I understand that some of you are in very delicate situations. You might be caring for a disabled person or an elderly person or someone can't afford it financially to live with you. Sometimes it's deeply rooted in tradition. However, I have to say, unless you're a bit of a freak or you're a little bit on the wild side, it's very likely that sex is going to happen significantly less if you have a mother in law who's in the room next door, or you've organize your house so that your children's bedroom is right by yours. You know, in many of these situations, I myself would feel uncomfortable and have probably some form of performance anxiety if I knew a mother or father or sister or brother was just around the corner. Now I know some of you are in these situations out of necessity. Maybe sometimes it's a financial choice or again a religious thing or tradition, or you're just helping a family member out. And sometimes you got to get creative. So maybe you sneak off into the car somewhere or you go to a hotel or you find somewhere else to be sexy or intimate. Maybe you got to keep it in the closet. But we do all need to recognize that sometimes life may have dealt you so many things that you are in a situation or a season where sex just isn't going to happen for a while. And that might be for a handful of days or weeks and sometimes even months because there are just too many people living under one roof.
[00:15:58] Another logistical issue is number three, which is something like you have no locks on your doors or you have an open door policy where your kids can burst in at any moment. Here again, the idea of having a family member or child's bedroom directly next to yours. Sometimes I've heard stories of people who have larger houses or bedrooms on the other side, but it's being used as a storage closet or for other purposes or a guest room. And even if you just flip flop someone once or twice, or even if you sneak off to another bedroom, that could be a way to create intimacy as well, if it feels safe and comfortable. But something you really want to think about, especially if it's your space, is have you organized things in such a way that you have no privacy in your own space. All of these things, so many of them can be remedied by simply adding a lock on the door, and a good one, not one that can just be poked through with a little bit of a pin, maybe even a little soundproofing, maybe rearranging your bedroom, if you have the space so that the bed is not right by the door. Sometimes even doing things under the sheets or under the covers to muffle the sound a little bit. But being able to carve out a little bit of private time for yourself is going to go miles towards improving your sex life. A lot of women will say, well, I'm still in my head, or I'm running around doing all these things. I'm not even thinking about having sex. Then if I hear the kids in the other room, how are we going to do it? Yeah, it's a lot. And maybe your male or female partner can help set the tone by preparing the room a little bit, dimming the lights, drawing the blinds, putting on some music. And that could be another thing that you do where you have your kids who know that every once in a while, mom and dad go in the room to listen to music or watch their favorite show. I personally would not want to show on while I'm having sex, but music could work. And even though sometimes you go in there, you're not actually intimate, just them sort of understanding that this is your, like, meditation time or your private time to be alone together makes it easy for you to go away and do that and not worry that, oh, my goodness, they may have heard something.
[00:18:00] Another good tool, we use this in our offices all the time, is a white noise machine that you can keep outside of your door. Now you'll be able to hear almost everything that they're saying. They won't be able to hear as easily how you're moaning. It really, really dampens the noise. So if you think a combination between a little noise maker, white noise machine, or something that has ocean sounds, even right outside your door, and then you have your music on the inside, no one's going to be hearing anything as long as you're relatively quiet.
[00:18:31] All right, the fourth logistical problem that gets in the way of you having sex are all of your pets. Some of you have an entire zoo in your house or on your bed at night, right up there with pillows and dividers and fortresses and things that separate the bed in two so your sleep isn't disturbed. All of these things are huge, very obvious barriers to intimacy. If you have one or two or five dogs that sleep with you on the mattress. Now, I, by the way, I have a cat who sleeps with me. I love it. It is a wonderful feeling. But she amazingly knows to be sort of towards one side of the bed or sometimes on the edge or out of the way, not just plopped down in the middle of everybody, not just hogging up the whole bed, not just being frustrated, you know, and not wanting to move when you need to adjust yourself. I'm a huge animal person. My entire family are as well. However, constantly giving your dog, your cat, or your bird priority over your intimacy and your intimate life could be a reason why you are having less sex or experiencing less intimacy. And why the guy doesn't even try with you because he feels like he's last on the totem pole. It's you, then your mom or your family or your kids who come first, then your pets, and then your squirrels and birds and fish and snakes, and then him or her prioritizing him or her a little higher, make you feel more valued, and generally make a male partner feel like he's able to initiate with you a little more frequently.
[00:20:00] Number five is one that we can all relate to. We all want it. It's called energy. Most of us don't have it. Many of us are exhausted. Some smoke and drink and drink a lot of coffee, or we eat too much sugar, too much food, or we're overworked, or we have too many hobbies, or we pile too many things on our plate. And life gets very, very hard when someone says, I don't have the energy to initiate, or I don't have the desire to initiate outside of a medical problem or being older in age, one thing that might be limiting your energy is how much you're piling on your plate. How important is this 80 hours week job that you are handcuffed to? How important are these hobbies that need to take up three to 4 hours of your day every single day? Listen, I exercise almost daily, but some of you prioritize exercise in a way that is so much of your day. We only have 24 hours in the day, but some of you want to exercise for three to 4 hours a day, and you're preaching to the choir here. I love it. If I could do it as well, I would. Morning, noon and night, a little something, a walk, some cardio later in the afternoon, some weightlifting, some dancing, some acrobatics. Anyone who seriously lifts knows that you're going to exhaust yourself working too hard and be tired the rest of the day, or be drained or zapped, and that sex isn't going to be on the top of the list at some point. You just have to make intimacy a priority rather than allowing all of your time to go the kids or all of your time to go to the gym or your errands or just things that you want to get done. I love kids. I know you love your kids. They're very, very important. But some of you don't have an off switch just the way they don't. And I know that the needs from them are never ending and it never stops. And they don't have an off switch either, except when they're napping or on the iPad or on the computer. But there needs to be like an energetic shift. Some of you pour so much of your energy, love and attention into your kids that there's nothing left for your partner and even worse, nothing left for yourself. So reprioritizing and finding ways that you can shave off 15 to 30 minutes from different parts of your day can be aggregated at the end for a special sexual experience. And even though it's not my favorite way, even if you have to schedule it, at least you're making it happen. It's either that or the opposite. Give yourself a break and acknowledge that you are so busy and so tied up that there is literally no time to do anything else but what you have going on. And then sex suffers. There's a consequence to everything, and your relationship will wind up being the thing that suffers most. If it's the thing that you give the least amount of attention to, number 6 may be one of the more important ones on this list. And that is that you're being a big baby and you just don't want to do what it takes to make your intimate life work. You don't want to schedule it because that feels unnatural. You don't want to try courses because that feels unnatural. You don't want to come to sex coaching or get a therapist because you don't want someone to tell you what to do. You think you got all the answers. You think you can solve the problem yourself. You think it's going to work out on its own. You think you shouldn't need coaching or therapy or any kind of help. You think you shouldn't need YouTube videos or educational courses. You think you've got it all figured out. But if we simply pull back some of the layers and look head on at your relationship, it's likely you've been dealing with this for years, possibly even in previous relationships.
[00:23:25] For years, you may have been starving your partner of sex or intimacy or closeness. For years you've refused to talk about your feelings and emotions for years you've known that you're not getting hard or as hard as you should have, or you're coming too quickly, or you don't know how to please her. And so, sadly, these issues, these problems that have been in your relationship, they've been here a really, really long time. And this is where I've got to point out that your approach that you've taken of just thinking about it or telling your partner that you're working on it or mulling it over in your head and calling that working on it does not a good relationship make. It's not going to change your life or change your partner's life because you're working on it or thinking about it, but nothing is actually happening. We just gloss over it and convince ourselves that everything's going to be fine. And I myself am super empathetic to relationship issues. We all have our sticking points. I'm by no means perfect. Most of us have truly convinced ourselves that our idea of working on the relationship is sort of being aware of something, but not taking any action. We're just sort of aware that we need to do better. I'll often see people come out of a relationship and they'll say, well, I'm taking time to work on myself right now, but they're not actually doing anything. They're just going out or having fun or hanging with their friends. But there's no work being done. There's no communicating or reading books or journaling or getting into the trenches with your partner and having regular conversation about what needs to be addressed, putting something into action, and then seeing how it works. It's very likely that your relationship is not going to move forward in the way you want to.
[00:24:59] So what that means, sadly, is your sex life is going to suffer for it. Your intimate life is going to suffer for it. And if you're a man listening, women can't often compartmentalize the way we can. In other words, we can have a bad day and still get hard. We can be a little bit down emotionally and still get hard most of the time, some of us not. But with women, if she's not phenomenally attracted to you or highly sexually attracted to you, or is a very, very sexual person and loves to be intimate, regardless of what's going on in the relationship, it's very likely that any type of negative interactions, or if they're feeling frustration or resentment, even things where they've asked you to do something a hundred times and you haven't done it, but then you want to have sex later, it feels like a big slap in the face. You really have to take a holistic approach when it comes to having sex with a woman. In long term relationships, if you want to be successful. So if someone in the relationship wants more sex, but they're not willing to compromise in any other place, or they're not willing to be kind or sweet or understanding, or just give their partner what they need, which, by the way, is usually so easy. It's not manual labor, it's not working in a coal mine, it's not climbing to the top of Mont Blanc. It's usually something like helping out a little bit more, or giving a little bit of recognition, or giving some appreciation, understanding for what your partner does do for you, giving back a little bit, eye contact, being friendly, supportive. It really doesn't take much.
[00:26:27] Now, the hard part, especially for men, is putting it into action. So every time a man steps foot in my office, I say to him, listen, we're going to be doing these interactions and demos, but I don't want you to feel like you're acting. I don't want you to feel like you're being someone else or inauthentic, or that you're not able to be as natural as you can be. And even if you're using my words or taking my suggestions, there's no need for you to feel like you're imitating me. You can be yourself, and you can be your own person, but you can't be your default self. The one who doesn't pay attention, the one who's not present, the one who's solely focused on what you need and what you want, the one who doesn't want to give anything back. But expect sex in return. You can't stumble in, look down at the ground, have your hands stuffed in your pockets, and mumble something to your female partner and expect that the sheer sound of your voice is going to get her so excited that her clothes are going to fly off. So it's important to know that we can always activate different aspects of ourselves very easily just by changing our body language slightly. So, for example, if I take my hand and I put it on my forehead and I put my elbows on my lap, it's going to look like I'm depressed to every onlooker. If I roll my shoulders back, lift my chest two inches, it's going to look like I'm confident. We all have the ability to activate these different qualities within ourselves. And yes, sometimes practice makes perfect. And yes, repetition is the mother of skill. And yes, sometimes we really just need to suck it up and do it anyway. We need to feel discomfort in order to grow. It's a natural part of the growth process.
[00:27:58] Sometimes I like to think of pressure, when used appropriately, as a way to spur us into growth. Think about how much pressure it takes to make a diamond.
[00:28:07] You might say to yourself during some change, oh, man, this feels funny. Or, I'm not used to seeing him behave this way. I'm not used to seeing her act like this. Change starts to happen. The other partner may feel a little bit uncomfortable because they're not used to it themselves. But it's important to remember that growth in this department is simply sometimes a little uncomfortable or awkward or weird or you're not used to it, but that's okay. Give it a little time and the change will come. Things like, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. My partner never acted this way before, so I'm not used to seeing him this way. Fine, all true. But you're listening to this because you want to make change. You're coming into the office because you want to make a change. Listening and paying attention and being present and taking in the information is part of it. And then putting it into action is part two, and then being consistent about it is part three. So if sex is important to you and you want to prioritize your sex life, you simply have to get over the idea that feeling like you're acting or role playing or like you're playing a role or that it's a little bit put on or a little bit inauthentic, it's a very natural part of growth. In the same way that you couldn't whisk an egg the first time you tried it. You couldn't ride a bike the first time you got on, and you couldn't lift weights properly and with good form the first time you tried that. So it's a little bit of tough love on this one, but sometimes just got to get over yourself and move things forward.
[00:29:27] Number seven takes a bit of a departure from the previous one, and that has to deal with you not being there emotionally. And this can happen to men and women. I would say it's more prevalent in women, but especially men who are sensitive. And I don't mean weak, I just mean emotionally aware.
[00:29:44] So if you're with a woman who's been verbally abusing you, or a man who's been verbally abusing you, and you feel defeated, unheard, unloved, uncared for, and there's valid reason for it, not invented reasons, not projected reasons, not stuff that's not happening that you think is happening, but an actual valid reason for it, it's going to be extremely difficult for you to be intimate. And this is one of those cases where I wouldn't advocate for you to stop being a little butthead. I wouldn't put you in the position and say, listen, you need to get over yourself. This is the opposite of that. When you're not there emotionally and you're suffering from a lot of resentment, frustration, built up rage, you can't believe the things that they say to you on a regular basis. You can't believe how they talk to you or how disrespectful they are. And then they come around at night or the next morning and want you to have sex with them. The most vulnerable act. So abuse, abuse, abuse or nonsense. Nonsense, nonsense. Or shutting you down, or not letting you talk or talking over you. Frustration, any number of disrespectful things. And then all of a sudden there's this opportunity to have sex because they're horny.
[00:30:54] It's very unlikely that sex is going to happen there. This is another reason why you aren't having sex. What to do about it? This to me is very, very difficult. Both people need to be on board and really emotionally present. Like one person really needs to hear the other person out and vice versa. And there has to be some communication that happens around the subject where it moves it forward. And both people feel heard, validated, understood. Sometimes an apology or two or ten needs to take place. Those are things that I guide in person, in session, because they are hard talks. And usually things that you've tried to solve together aren't going to work very well by yourself. Again, this is that idea that you can solve things all on your own, but they haven't resolved themselves in one to ten years. So I can mediate conversations like that and make it a little bit more digestible. Sometimes they're hard, but once they clear up, sometimes even in the same session, things can move towards becoming a little more sexual or enjoying more intimacy. It's incredible how much progress can be made once both people feel heard.
[00:32:04] Alright. The 8th reason why you might not be having sex is because, gentlemen, some of your behavior has shut down or deactivated your female partner. That means by taking so much time to not take action or not work on things, or to continuously disappoint her over and over and over, even though she wants intimacy and sex from you, she has now shut down and also seems like she doesn't want it. She may feel broken to herself. She may feel like her vagina doesn't work anymore. She may feel like she can't get aroused or wet anymore, or that there's something wrong with her or that she has to go run tests. But along those lines of feeling resentment, frustration, hurt, shut down, overwhelm. And by the way, this can happen to both, you know, men and women. She now feels that there's actually something physically wrong with her, even though, technically speaking, there isn't. It's shocking to think that your female partner, who has bothered you and wanted sex so frequently and so often, now seems to not want you to touch her. That's because you have managed to deactivate her sexuality. Now, here's the hard pill to swallow and the truth of the matter. If any other man came into her life that she finds attractive and she wasn't in a relationship with you, she wasn't married, it'd be very likely that her body would start functioning as intended. I know that's a lot to hear, but sometimes I think knowing these things or thinking about these things can help spur us into action and become the men that we want to be. The simple solution to this, as a man, if your woman is shut down, if she's feeling apathetic, if she used to initiate, now she doesn't want to, or even if she thinks of herself as being super horny. But not anymore.
[00:33:47] One step you can take is to sometimes not even communicate about it, or point it out or discuss it, but take action on it and do something about it instead. Yes, the usual disclaimer. We're all about communication here. Talk about everything with your partner first, if that's what's appropriate for your relationship. But when a woman feels resentment for you not taking action, she's not looking for more words.
[00:34:11] The right kind of action, the right kind of energy alignment, the right kind of look, glance, or intensity or masculine vibe that you give her can change everything. So the answer to this one is surprisingly simple. You start taking action even if she feels unavailable or unapproachable. I often say to women, you have to at least be receptive. You have to try. If you're in the mood and he's not doing something offensive, you have to go along with it. But a solution here, men, is just to move things forward. Begin to initiate again. Try not to be too careful. Try not to be too cautious. All the same rules apply. No means no. If she's giving you really off putting body language, it doesn't want you to touch her. That doesn't mean move forward anyway. And please, by all means, ask your woman this play, this episode for her, check in with her. Every woman is different. Sometimes women report to me that they need a little extra push, or that they feel it's not like the right time, or I'm just kind of in my head, or I wasn't expecting it, or I don't know his intentions, or he's not taking it seriously, or blah, blah, blah, blah. But they just need a little nudge. Nudge does not mean forcing. It does not mean commanding. It does not mean, you know, throwing them around. Although some women do want that. It just means you not running away with your tail between your legs just because she made a face or a frown, or you took her by surprise, or she wasn't expecting you to do that, or you made a move a little too quickly. Sticking with it and seeing it through while she gets used to your energy again is a very important part of rekindling your sex life.
[00:35:41] When you see that she's apathetic or she's shut down or deactivated, it usually does not mean I don't want sex ever again, or I don't want to be intimate ever again. Often when I've seen this in women, they've tried so much that they've just given up and they need a little more support, a little more presence, a little more intensity or nurturing to make things move forward.
[00:36:06] Number nine, I'm not sure I've spoken much about this one before in all the years, and there's a reason for it. I guess we can call it the galaxy or the unknown. Maybe it's the question that can never be asked or can never be answered, and that is bad timing. When, in a long term relationship, is the timing right for a woman to want to have sex with you? What is bad timing? What is good timing? Can you define it specifically? Can both you and your partner define it? Most people can't. But every woman knows what bad timing is.
[00:36:37] Women report to me daily that their partner's timing sucks, even though they don't know how to express to them when a good time would actually be or they don't want to. Understanding when the right timing is for a woman is generally something we take on a case by case basis. I definitely have some general principles you can follow, but usually it's best to talk to your partner about this. In fact, if I were in your shoes, I would point blank ask your partner over dinner or multiple times. Hey, when is good timing for you? When does it feel right? When do you want me to approach you? Can you give me some examples or situations or moments you feel like you'd be down to have me initiate or like it wouldn't be a bother, or when are moments where you feel like you would reject me the least?
[00:37:23] When trying to discover when good timing is, it's often helpful to figure out when bad timing is. Here are some examples of bad timing. Of course, we have the obvious one or both of you are very turned off at the idea of having sex with her on her period. Or it's against your religion, or you just don't like it, or you don't want to soil the sheets. And you could even download a period tracker app to help you know when bad timing is. But if she is someone who's open to that and you make the right preparations, like you do it in the shower or you lay down a very dark towel somewhere, or you dim the lights or close the shades, some people are open to it. Another really easy one is if she's cooking something, she's slicing, dicing the fires on the oven, is baking something that requires her attention, she's in the process of making a recipe or cooking dinner for the family. There are always exceptions to the rule, though, because while a woman may think, oh my gosh, doesn't he see that I'm in the middle of cooking here? Why is he initiating? But if you're just coming in to say hi or give a nice little rub or squeeze or kiss, that's almost always okay. Again, with the exception of high pressure or dangerous situations like boiling water or sharp knives, etcetera. Sometimes a guy just has to press into your butt or wants to rub on you a little bit, or comes in to visit or give you some affection and love. And you can't always just have it whenever you want it, when you're in the mood and only when you're in the mood. And then he's got to read your mind and know when that is. Sometimes, you know, a guy has feelings and emotions too, and he wants to connect with you. I, for one, do that all the time. If I have a partner in the kitchen and we're cooking together and stuff, I press up against her. I give her kisses on her neck, I hug her. I'm not trying to start something, but I am connecting with physical emotion and women. You also have to remember that this is one of the biggest ways that you get turned on long term, when it's not in the moment, like when it's not right before bed. And now we're going to have sex, getting regular amounts of physical affection, attention or even a buildup plants the seat for you to want to have sex later.
[00:39:24] I would say over three quarters, maybe four fifths of the women who come in who have a concern about their male partner would say that his timing is bad. And ladies, I say, pick an alternative. Have a conversation with him about when a good time is. Let him know why this isn't good timing. Help him understand when is. It's your responsibility, too. Not just for him to mind read and constantly read the room and know when you might be interested to have sex. If you're a woman and you want your partner to initiate with you or you have that expectation of him, I do think it is your responsibility to make it easy to drop the handkerchief to allow it to happen. Men have enough stress out in their lives. In the real world, no one's looking for a challenge at home, and now he's got to do battle with his wife or try to figure out the perfect way to read her mind. No, it doesn't have to happen only on his terms by any means. But at least you got to be responsive in a favorable way. Some women correct their partner too much. Not like this. Not like this. Not like this. Now, I also do not like being like. If a woman comes at me and she's biting and scratching and chomping on me, I also am going to say, not like this. Not like this. Not like this. If something's painful or unpleasant, by all means speak up. But if he's always being defeated and never doing it right, men, if you're listening, you either really need to pay attention and learn your partner's body. Or women, you can be a little more forgiving.
[00:40:47] You can have a little more grace. You can be a little more patient.
[00:40:52] Women don't like to experience rejection once in a lifetime. Men, we experience rejection, rejection, rejection. If that's all it is, not now. I'm tired. Not now. I gotta run the kids to school. Not now, I'm sleeping. Not now. I'm cooking. And all the numerous, almost seemingly excuses that come up, they're all really going to dishearten your man and prevent him from continuing to try because he's going to say to himself, why bother? Every time I try, I get rejected. Every time I make an effort. This is what happens.
[00:41:22] Now as a woman, if you're making up excuses because you're afraid to speak up, that's a different discussion. If you're holding back sex because you're resentful or frustrated, there's stuff there that you need to talk about, you got to come in for a session, you got to work it out between the two of you, but you don't want to use sex as a bargaining tool. By rejecting him in the moment for something that he's done a while ago, he's not understanding that. He's just thinking that what he's doing isn't turning you on or what he's doing isn't working.
[00:41:51] I find that almost all women have some sort of a concern that if it's a man who initiates with them, it's pretty much almost always bad timing. And knowing that can be really defeating for a man, because in most traditional relationships, the man is at the very least expected, if not, has to make the first move all the time. And in the same way, you don't feel like it, and you get tired and you're not in the mood, and you aren't quite there yet. Or you could use a little bit of flirtatiousness to warm you up. You know, guys get that way, too. We have a habit of being known for being just sort of instantaneously ready when we're near you. And I know some of you have husbands who are like that. They're just hard all the time and ready to go all the time. But I think all of us appreciate feedback, facial recognition, desire, feeling wanted, feeling like we're not ticking something off a box. There's a lot that we as men have to do. We have to build up confidence to do it. We have to initiate, and not just in the way we would want to in a certain way, the way you would like us to, ideally, while also being a little bit indifferent and being masculine and manly, which in and of itself suggests that we're going to do it our way and, you know, the way we want to do it. Of course, looking out for your pleasure. At the same time, there's a little bit of molding that we have to do to just get everything right the way you want it. And then, of course, we have to deal with timing as well. So now factor in just other normal external factors, like we've talked about, logistics, kids, dogs, animals, plus the risk of getting rejected. And you can see it's a big pill to swallow.
[00:43:18] So, ladies, if you're going to tell him that his timing is bad, at the very least, give him an alternative, or initiate with him yourself, or do both, give him an alternative. You could pop back in the room and let him know through sexy, suggestive maneuvers that now you're ready for it. Or simply have a conversation regularly about when good timing is.
[00:43:43] Oftentimes I'll ask women in front of their husbands so they know what it is. I'll say, well, what is bad timing for you? When is it? What happens? Why is it always not the right occasion? It may come as a surprise to all that very, very few women have an answer. They say something general. They go vague. They don't know what to say. They say, I don't know, but not this time or not this time. So just know that it's going to probably be very difficult for you to get an answer. You may have to press, you may have to move past generalities, and you may have to move past a list of times when it's not a good time to sort of decipher when it is. All of that being said, friends, let me get back to my nice little list of times when it's usually not a good time.
[00:44:26] Immediately before falling asleep in bed, when she has her retainer on and her braces on and her eye mask and her cucumbers on her eyes and sleepy time. PJ's or everybody is just really winding down and falling asleep. Sometimes women don't like that. Sometimes women don't like it when it's first thing in the morning and they're trying to sleep, or they don't like getting up early. Although I think there's a caveat to almost all of this. You can catch your woman before she starts getting entirely ready for bed. Like maybe just brushes her teeth first and then you can maybe move in or have a discussion about that. Even if she's not a morning person, almost anyone wouldn't mind being awakened with a soft, gentle caress across their back, playing with her hair, caressing her thighs. Not tickled, not scratched, not rough, but like a soft, sensual grasp or caress, a squeeze, a massage, some suggestive, intimate touch. Some women like having their ass gently played with, or their breasts fondled, or their stomach or inner thighs touched, their hair played with. You know, assuming she hasn't gotten 2 hours of sleep, the kids haven't kept her up all night, she doesn't have to be up at the crack of dawn, she doesn't have to leave in 15 or five minutes after you wake her up. That's kind of what timing is. You want to think like, not just we have time for me as a man to have sex and get mine, but that there's enough time for an enjoyable experience. Now, for women who come easily, that might be five minutes, but for most people that's going to be sort of a 15 to 20 minutes range and then another ten minutes to sort of cuddle and clean up a little bit. That's how to use timing to your advantage.
[00:46:07] Number ten is a really big one for both men and women, though. I think women probably feel that they experience it more frequently. And that's quite simply pressure.
[00:46:17] Feeling pressured into doing something that you think you don't want to do, you're not in the mood to do, you don't feel like doing right now, you want to do it, but you still feel pressured because someone asked.
[00:46:29] You want to do it, but you don't like people telling you what to do. You want to do it, but it doesn't feel natural, or it isn't your idea, or you have to be the one who's in control.
[00:46:39] All of these things lead to you feeling pressure about having sex. Now, here's the funny thing. Let's say you know how to have good sex, you know what good sex is, and you're actually with someone who can give you good or even great sex. The moment you feel pressured, or like you're being told what to do, or like it's an obligation, or you're ticking something off a list, that's the moment everything goes south. And I don't think that it falls exclusively on the person who's applying the pressure to back off. Sometimes that's true. Sometimes you might find that you're nagging about it when women aren't getting the sex that they want. I've seen them get mean, nasty, biting, scathing, bitchy, fussy, resentful throw fits. Men get frustrated, angry, grumpy, resign and throw in the towel when they're not getting it. And this causes their partner to feel pressure, however, always and regularly shutting down because you feel pressured. If you're someone who actually wants to be having sex with your husband or wife, if you're someone who's a sexual person and you like the idea of doing it, you're not doing anyone any favors. In fact, you're emphasizing a pattern that's negative for both of you, and you're creating what I would call an unhealthy power dynamic. Now, again, I understand there are going to be times where someone is just obnoxious in their pushing and hammering, and maybe they don't help around the house. They're not a positive person, they're never happy anywhere else, and they just push, push, push for sex. Yes. That doesn't sound like a you problem. It sounds like a them problem for sure.
[00:48:10] But if you're always rejecting almost out of habit because, well, the timing isn't right and well, I feel pressured and oh, I don't want to feel like I'm acting and oh, I didn't happen naturally and all of these things. Sometimes it is important to say, wait a minute, what am I doing? Am I in a committed, monogamous relationship? Do I want to be having sex with my partner? Am I actually interested in being with them? And as always, I always give the caveat, especially if you're a woman. Women control access to sex. No, you should not feel pressured to have sex or obligated to have sex. And no, you shouldn't have sex when you truly don't want to.
[00:48:49] However, I think you and your closest girlfriends can all admit to yourselves that there are times where you're just like, eh, and you'd really be okay. It's not going to feel like some kind of sexual violence. It's not going to feel like some act against you. Sex can and should be fun. And so I think you have to evaluate. It's a case by case situation and it's certainly for each couple to decide for themselves. Can the person asking ask in a better way? Can they initiate in a better way or seduce or just not ask at all, but be more action oriented? And then can the person who's doing the rejecting just be a little bit more receptive?
[00:49:27] I know this may not be for everyone. If you have some trauma, it's not going to be for you. If you have anger, frustration towards men, it's not for you. But I think both partners can benefit by sometimes just getting over that hump. Not doing it and not being present, not doing it and not being with your partner, but just saying, you know, I'm not in the most perfect mood right now, but I'm going to go for it so we can get some momentum going. So please hear me, this is not directed at women who do not want to have sex. And their partner is pressuring her in some way. And he says something like, hey, babe, you'll get used to it. You'll get into it. Let's just start. Once we start, you'll like it. That I think is obnoxious. I think that's atrocious. I don't like that behavior at all, especially if there's negativity in the relationship around it. I'm talking about those times when you both want it. You know you do, but you're just not really feeling it in the moment. You love your partner, you want to satisfy him or her you want to do things that make them feel good, and so you allow yourself to go with the flow. Even if you're not quite in the mood. You're just a little bit on the fence. Or maybe you just need some warming up, or maybe you just need to have a conversation about what actually turns you on.
[00:50:40] Number eleven is a pretty important one. It's not putting yourself in your partner's shoes.
[00:50:47] And this is something that I think is far easier said than done. Oftentimes when we're in the office and say a couple wants to run through different sexual positions, they want to liven things up a bit. You know, we're on the sex couch, we're on the tantra chair, we're on the sofa trying to explore all these things. I don't think most men ever, ever have once put themselves in their partner's shoes. And imagine what it's like to lay there on your back naked with your legs spread wide open, or to be on your hands and knees with your ass up in the air, arching your back, and just sort of sitting there waiting for whatever may happen to you, whatever the guy decides to do. You know, I understand a lot of guys are good with any level of sexual contact from almost any woman. But I think long term, if you had a female partner who just rolled you over and rode you until she came and you never had the opportunity to, she always finished first and then just got off, washed up and went to bed, it may not leave a lot of men feeling particularly satisfied. A lot of men have never put themselves in their female partners shoes.
[00:51:53] Imagine that there are two of you, you who's listening to this podcast, and you are going to seduce another version of yourself using the seductive tactics that you know and currently use on your partner, doing everything the way you like to initiate sex, how would your own riz or your own seductive strategies, your own tactics, how would they work on you most of the time? Would you find them attractive? Really consider that for a moment. The things that you do to your partner, would you like them to do the same things to you? If this was the default way that it happened all the time? Now, I know there's a stereotype this sort of masculine a man will do anything for sex, take sex any way he can get it. And I know a lot of women think of that stereotype as being very disparaging. I think it's a little sad. I think it's that way because sex is so difficult for men and it's so hard for them to come by and they can't figure it out even though they want it, that literally anything sounds better than nothing. But men. I do think it's important for you to imagine, in the same way I'm trying to paint our story for women here, for you to imagine what it's like to be a woman on the receiving end of what you're doing. Someone who has to open your legs, someone who has to let something inside of you. I know it's pretty graphic talk for men listening, but don't forget, you also have to look sexy and be natural and look confident and have orgasms and be handsome or beautiful. It's a lot. It's a very vulnerable position that women put themselves in. And what do we do? Just thrust without making a sound, usually with just moving back and forth. Nothing unusual, nothing terribly vulnerable. So to me, in order to have great sex, you don't have to be a woman. You don't have to experience penetration yourself, but you at least have to put yourself in her situation and imagine what it's like for her. Because as you're leading, you have to have a sense of what she might be experiencing and of what she might be wanting from you, not just doing you. That can be really nice when she's really turned on by you. You're having regular sex and she says things like, I want you to do whatever you want to me. I want you to take me. I want you to have your way with me. I want to feel that rush of being taken. This is the idea of them being turned on by seeing you being turned on. But this is not for every relationship. So putting yourself in her shoes is what will keep her coming back for more.
[00:54:17] The 12th reason you may not be having sex is because you've given your partner way too many false promises, false expectations, false hope. You've said you're going to make a change, and then you don't. Week after week, you make commitments and promises for things that you're going to do, and you don't follow through with them, especially intimately. You've done it for a day or two, or a week or two, and then you've fallen back on your laurels or into old behavior, or you've signed up for therapy or coaching, or you've come in and you've committed to do all these sessions, but you don't follow through.
[00:54:51] Or you think that because you're showing up for the coaching at the session, that that's all you really have to do. That's showing that you care. You told her you would. And so now you're here, but you're not making any actionable changes. You're not doing anything she can feel. And so your female partner will often feel stifled, trapped, unsure of what to do, frustrated, annoyed. Because especially once you've gone over all these things and you know you're ready to start being intimate again and you really want to work on it. If you've both decided that her role is to be more feminine and maybe submissive and maybe allow you to do the initiating, usually because that's what she wants, well, then guess what? You've got to do the initiating. If there are only two people in your relationship and one of them is expected to be on both sides, that she is submissive and passive and waits and allows you to do the initiating, well, then she's just sitting there wondering what's going on. She's waiting and waiting. You know, as a guy, maybe you've got a million excuses, too. You want to play video games, you want to smoke, you want to vape, you want to hang out with your friends, you're tired from work, the kids need a lot of attention. Possibly you have a very low sex drive. Or guys. Sometimes you just wind up putting an enormous focus on your work because it's what you like or you enjoy or money is really important to you, and you just have to remember there are only so many hours in the day. And if you spend most of those working and some of those sleeping and the rest just sort of eating and getting ready and going to bed, that leaves zero time left for your relationship. And the more time that you spend away from her or not having quality time, the more your relationship deteriorates. The fix for this is one of the easiest things in the world. Spend more time together. Quality time, good times. Make some plans. Go out and do something. Talk to her. Look her in her eyes. Sit with her on the couch, get close to one another, compliment her, listen to her, talk to her, help her out with some things and move things forward. Which takes us to our final point.
[00:56:53] One final reason why you're not having sex with your partner is because one or both of you, but usually the man, is not making small movements towards that end. You might slap your ass, and God only knows every woman is familiar with that one. You might squeeze a boob or make some silly noise. And neither of these are particularly sexually gratifying acts for women. How about some complementary language? Things you notice about her, things you like about her. I love your ears, your nose, your eyes, your lips, your mouth. Your thighs, your toes, whatever it is, give her something that's like you're noticing her, you're seeing her, you're appreciating her. Sometimes I enjoy sending my partner a random text that just says, I love looking at you, or I can't take my eyes off of you. There's no teasing, there's no being sexual or suggestive or sensual. There's nothing happening between the time that you like to have sex with her and everything before that to build it up. So you can see that by sprinkling in teasing, eye contact, flirting, sexual discussion, compliments, attentiveness, tour quality time. It really makes the magic happen. And I have to tell you, I have so many clients who don't look each other in the eyes. Sometimes their kisses are so quick and fast, or they're completely absent altogether. I don't think it's a bad thing to aspire to make mundane moments meaningful. So it's the little things, the little things, the little things that add up to make a difference. Most of the time, men don't need a lot of this stuff. Most of the time, men are down for whatever. There are plenty of sensitive and emotional guys out there, but it's often true. It's really the case that most men don't want to be teased or played with during the day, or build sexual tension or have everything perfect in the relationship in order to be intimate. But women do need this, and I often say, because it's very deceptive for almost everybody, women need it in the long term way, way, way more than the short term. It is very. Well, it's never easy for most men to have sex with most women, but it's very, very easy to have sex with a woman without all of these extra prerequisites and things that she needs and all the stuff that we talk about in all the different episodes when attraction is there and she's sexually attracted to you and loves you, her natural state for many women is to want to have sex with you all the time until things get extremely comfortable. Sometimes there's a provider and provided for dynamic going on. All of a sudden, there's a lot more expectation. There are a lot more things that become needed for her to feel comfortable and safe. Long term, there tends to be a lot more that we have to do. Not to check something off a list, but to make her feel comfortable, wanted, desired, loved, and to reinvigorate her desire to want to have sex with you. This is why I talk so much about momentum. Once you have momentum going it is true that you don't have to do all of these things because it's already there. The attraction for one another is there. You're flirting regularly, you're connecting regularly, you're making her feel wanted and desired. Once that's in place, it's not that you can rest on your laurels, but you can continue to enjoy sexual experiences without feeling like you have to put in an enormous amount of effort in other places. Places I love to reframe all of these things and think of them in a way that is fun and exciting. I think it's interesting to find different ways to open my female partner or turn her on or keep her on her toes or keep her guessing, or maybe most importantly, keep her attraction coming towards me.
[01:00:29] If you're always chasing and pursuing, I know there's a lot of mixed beliefs on this. If you're always chasing your woman, it looks like at some point that you're needy, that you're not confident, that you have to ask for it or beg for it or pursue it. And this is kind of a misnomer because women do want to be pursued and they do want to be chased. But I think in long term relationships, that can just feel like desired. Desired and wanted does not have to be pursued and chased. And so it's nice to skew the playing field in your favor. Men in a loving and considerate way that keeps both you and her extremely happy and extremely sexually fulfilled. If you can make your woman want you, pursue you, chase you, desire you, and then you give her great, connected, awesome sex or awesome experiences, everyone is winning.
[01:01:21] All right, there you have it. A magnificent little list of 13 reasons that are preventing you from having sex and what to do about them. I'm sure there are plenty more, but this is a really good start. And I can promise you that if you listen to this with your partner, you're going to recognize at least a few of them in your relationship. To book a live session with me, either in person or virtually, please visit cravecloseness.com intake to fill out an intake form. There you'll be able to schedule and make an appointment with me immediately. Please remember to add a like or five stars if you enjoyed this episode, and as always, I hope you've enjoyed this immensely and I'll see you in the next episode.
