Speaker 0 00:00:00 Welcome to the closeness podcast, your new sexual education. My name is Tari. I'm your host. And today we're talking about the male ejaculatory response and whether or not men should finish and actually a Jacky late when they have sex to come or not to come. This is the question we're going to be exploring today. It's an unusual place to begin, but after considerable research, I have come to the conclusion that the incredible amount of value that women place on making sure and certain that a man finishes his rather astounding. Believe it or not often, if a man doesn't, there can be some pretty dire consequences coming from the female partner that go along with this. If you're a man who has never had sex without ejaculating, this may come as a surprise to you. But I think this is an excellent place for us to begin this discourse, especially around societal expectations around men finishing it turns out I'm actually very averse to the word society.
Speaker 0 00:00:56 I'm not a fan of blaming everything on society or society making us do it, but they're very much are real pressures in the world that we put on each other. And we hold each other to, depending on how we grew up and where we grew up, but also pressures that we share in common with others, no matter where we are in the world. So how to handle your orgasm. This is a big discussion in the world right now. Everybody's talking about this, especially for men, but I don't quite think in the way that it's going to unravel in this episode. So let's take a look at some typical societal expectations around sex and men, and what happens if, and when they do a Jackie slate, here are a few concepts. I'm more than certain you'll be familiar with. When a man finishes, it's all over.
Speaker 0 00:01:38 Sex stops. The game is over. Everything comes to an end cut scene, hop in the shower. When a man comes, that's how you know he's enjoyed himself. When a man finishes, he can't get hard anymore. When a man reaches orgasm, he also ejaculates men need to release. If they don't release, they get blue balls and they get very angry and they suffer. Uh, men can't help themselves. They're just creatures of habit and they need to explode and constantly let their we'll call it energy, run free. And finally, even though almost any man can come within five to 30 seconds of stimulated the right way. Somehow a woman equates whether or not she's done a good job, or if she was good in bed to having the proof in the pudding, she's made him climax and she could see visually the results. I'd like to challenge a lot of these ideas and offer some new perspective on how you can think of the male orgasm.
Speaker 0 00:02:31 And it's something that I think is appropriate and even necessary for all genders to listen to. So let's talk about some of these female expectations around whether or not Amanda, Jackie relates. If a man doesn't reach orgasm and he doesn't come, something very interesting happens in a female's mind. And I'm not sure how many of you out there have experienced this, but from what I can tell, very few men are practicing restraining themselves or holding back their orgasm or intentionally not coming. So it's likely that many women don't have the experience of knowing what it feels like. If he doesn't even just hearing this concept, you might say, why would anyone try to do that? Well, we'll talk about that later because it's quite an important subject and men have been doing it for millennia. But right now, I specifically want to talk about women's feelings around the subject of men, not ejaculating, not coming, and it may shock you.
Speaker 0 00:03:25 So if you're a woman, take a moment to think to yourself, how you would feel if the man that you're having sex with did not ejaculate. You're used to him doing it all the time, every time. And then one night or two nights, he just completely, doesn't my experience both personally and professionally tells me that women have an <inaudible> extremely difficult time with this subject. They don't like it. They freak out, they get insecure. They question their worthiness. They question whether their partner enjoyed themselves. I immediately begin to think that there must be something wrong with them or that they didn't do a good job because their partner did not ejaculate or have a visible form of an orgasm. And as such, they worry, they question their ability lovers. It starts a psychological process that spirals downwards quickly and very vicious way. I've even seen women question, whether the man loves them anymore or not because he didn't have an orgasm.
Speaker 0 00:04:27 So shocking as it may sound when two people like or love each other and a man does not finish by ejaculating. A woman often becomes fun, fundamentally insecure, or feels feelings of inadequacy around the whole situation. And I'm here to tell you that this is completely completely unnecessary. In fact, it's likely going to be the complete opposite response that your partner would like you to feel safe. Speaking from personal experience. I'm certainly not doing it so that my partner can feel worse on the contrary. I'm doing it so that we can actually enjoy the experience much, much more. I'm doing it so that we can go to deeper and deeper levels of connection. And, and Missy, together, this also plays out if you've ever seen your partner purposely try to hold back so that he can extend the experience longer. And as a woman, you might've said, no, no, please finish.
Speaker 0 00:05:17 I want you to, I want to see it. It's very satisfying. Now. I'm not negating the fact that it's satisfying. Obviously any man who cares slightly about another woman is going to want to see the experience of having her come. It's very arousing. So I understand that, but I'll say here and later, it's a different experience for a man than it is for a woman. It's not the same. A man cannot for the most part, come and come and come and come indefinitely. And he certainly can't do so without exhausting himself, unless he's really high up on the spiritual practice. This is so check this out. Despite the fact that many women on the planet who are having sex with their male partners right now are dissatisfied. Maybe he ejaculates way too quickly, or he's only focused on himself, or he's very selfish with his pleasure, or he only wants blow jobs and quickies.
Speaker 0 00:06:05 Maybe he just puts his pleasure before hers. Nonetheless, when two people are having sex and the man doesn't finish, a woman does not take the very well at all. It actually creates a problem. They feel rejected and they feel insecure. And like, they didn't do a good job. If a man doesn't come, this is very common. And the times that I've been having sex and have not come, which you might as well know, have been sizable and many is often met with, especially if I'm with someone the first handful of times. But also if I'm with someone long-term strong resistance, a lot of pressure and a lot of questioning wide eyes shock and amazement. Did you come, when are you going to come? Did you bus? Why haven't you come yet? How long is it going to take you to come? Is everything okay? Is there something I could've done?
Speaker 0 00:06:54 Is there something I can do for you? Are you attracted to me? Do you enjoy having sex with me? Do you like me? Do you care about me? Could you imagine ladies, if you were having sex with a man and for whatever reason, you didn't come that day and a man looked you in the eyes and said, do you not love me anymore? Do you not care about me? Do you not like me? Do you not enjoy having sex with me instantly? You'd be repulsed and possibly feel insecure yourself and possibly feel uncomfortable all at the same time. When are you going to come for me? I want you to come here or there or in their mouth or inside of them or on their chest or wherever it is. They want that for themselves. They want the satisfaction of seeing it and to be fair, who can blame them?
Speaker 0 00:07:38 We all do. We all take a selfish satisfaction or pride or happiness in ourselves. When we quote unquote, may we all love that physical proof that we did a good job and let's be very clear. Orgasms are wonderful. I'm not fighting against them. I'm not telling you you shouldn't experience them. And when they happen, especially in women, it's a wonderful thing. And it's a very satisfying feeling for both partners. When you know that your partner is happy. I understand that. But when it comes in the form of anger, frustration, resentment, sadness, disappointment. And if I'm honest, it comes in the form of heavy, heavy pressure. Under these circumstances. It's really not okay. Pressure to come. Why didn't you will you, I want you to please come. When is it going to happen? Do you want to finish all my boobs on my butt, on my legs, on my face.
Speaker 0 00:08:36 And again, speaking from experience, even it's quite an unpleasant sensation to feel forced into having an orgasm, even though those types of situations can be very, very hot, provocative and exciting. And before we continue, I need to invite you to contemplate this double standard pressuring a woman to come pressuring a man to come. Do they feel like the same thing? Does it feel like it's not a problem for a woman to pressure a man in hurry up and finish, but it's a problem for Amanda pressure, a woman to hurry up and finish. You certainly may be asking yourself at this point. Well, why wouldn't you want to have an orgasm? Isn't that a great feeling? Don't all the studies show that you should be having sex multiple times a week and having multiple orgasms so that you live longer and look better and feel more vital in all of this well for a woman.
Speaker 0 00:09:26 Absolutely. Yes. For many men, most of the time, I'm not so sure that's the case as any man can attest unless you're 18 years old and just rambunctious, masturbating 10 times a day, spending all your energy and you still can go play football, go swimming and go out to party and do it again. The next night, any man will tell you immediately following him, finishing there's this very real, extremely intense refractory and downtime period where you lose all interest. You no longer feel connected. You no longer feel romantic or close or sensual. Oftentimes men want to fall asleep or go eat a sandwich or go back and work construction or get back to a project they're on or put on Netflix and chill. And even though like many things, these feelings are on a spectrum. It's not like your man completely shuts off and is a zombie for the rest of the day or week.
Speaker 0 00:10:15 But nonetheless, it's extremely disconnecting. And the shocking thing is, is that women are so invested in a man having an orgasm and this symbolizing that he's satisfied or she's doing a good job, or maybe even that he wants to stay with her. But the actual results of him doing so are quite deleterious to the relationship. Especially when a woman opens herself and shares herself, bares her soul. Her heart gives you everything and then you finish. And it's just like, okay, that's it. I'm done. And she's wide open and vulnerable. And the guy is in a completely different state. Doesn't that sound unhealthy? Doesn't that sound like not a good time, not such a fun thing. Wouldn't you rather stay connected and stay close. Now I know I'm painting a bit of a morbid picture here. It's not like the person dislikes you after sex or doesn't want anything to do with you.
Speaker 0 00:11:03 But anyone with a bit of experience can tell you there's something about when a woman climaxes. It brings her closer to her partner, brings her to a level of vulnerability that she might not have expressed before. Whereas for most men, it shuts them down, closes them off. All systems need to rest and recuperate and recover, especially from doing all that thrusting. And I can say all that and still tell you that I believe in the power of a wonderful orgasm, but the after effects, the post orgasmic glow that is there for a woman where she's a radiant and full and vibrant. You can really tell when a woman's had sex. You really have no idea when a man has. Maybe he feels a little more satisfied and confident, but I would say more depleted and tired point being there's something about a woman's orgasm that feels like fills her up with positive energy.
Speaker 0 00:11:55 Whereas for men, it tends to be depleting unless you have the tools and resources to make it not. So, and as such, I know we are going to have some spiritual minded listeners on here. Some people who think that they are so spiritually evolved and so multi-orgasmic, and so connected to the laws of the universe, that every orgasm just moves up their spine and explodes and an incredible sensation of bliss throughout their entire mind and body without a jacket waiting. And they're able to manifest millions of dollars and create the life that they want all through their orgasm. Okay, great. That's like six of you. So be quiet and sit down. No, I would really love for all men to get to that point, but to simply say, oh, you just move the energy up your spine. Or it's very simple to get there. That's a complete lie.
Speaker 0 00:12:40 You're either highly, highly trained. And you put in an incredible amount of practice to this, or you've got a gift, but for a vast majority of the population, no, one's going to be able to do that in a lifetime. The exception does not make the rule. And the rule of thumb generally is that when a man reaches orgasm, he gets three seconds of <inaudible> and then it's done. And over with end of story, he doesn't even want to have to clean up the mess afterwards. Now, some men might not want to orgasm because it is messy and they don't want to clean up. They may not want to orgasm because they're exhausted or tired and don't want to drain their energy further. Or maybe they're practicing restraining because it gives you more energy. This one of the reasons I do it, I find time after time that when I hold back restrain, don't finish, enjoy the process, celebrate the journey, not the destination.
Speaker 0 00:13:34 I'm three to five times more likely to want to have sex with you again a little bit later, or the next day or even the next week. But if you're constantly draining and draining and draining yourself, that's far more unlikely. I've tested this out so much that I've noticed I'm distinctly more excited during the week to see my partner, to connect, to be open to sex and intimacy. If I don't and haven't finished in a while now, the desire is always there. It's always trying to push forth, right? This is the proliferation of our species on the planet. It has to come forth or else, I suppose, on some level extinction, but there are so many different ways you can be experiencing pleasure. Now, if you are someone who orgasms, you can do it for different reasons. You can come for manifestation, you can come for money, you can dedicate your orgasm to the greater good of people dedicate your orgasm to God or to source.
Speaker 0 00:14:26 You can play around with the different energetics of orgasm. And I think this is beautiful. I think any practice that deepens your pleasure to a more profound level or a more expansive level or a level that takes you to higher and higher realms is wonderful and exquisite and something that everyone should experience something. I talk about a lot when I'm in session with closeness clients, and this brings us to our next chapter is very specifically the different level of sex drive that we all possess. So often couples are very mismatched. One person wants it all the time and the other person doesn't want it at all. And so I help close that gap, but it is possible that you're a man who has an extremely high sex drive. You find yourself masturbating one to four times a day. Women do that too, by the way, believe it or not.
Speaker 0 00:15:12 I come across this a lot. That means you could find yourself finishing seven to 14 to 21 times a week, or almost a hundred times in a month. If you're a guy who just can't get enough, I personally don't find that to be healthy in my opinion, but maybe for you, it works. I don't find it to be healthy, to be releasing, releasing, releasing all of this semen and energy, constantly being drained and depleted from it. On top of all of the other ways that nature depletes us on a daily basis, the air outside and air pollution, the food that we eat and the toxicity there, the stress from work, the stress from life, the stress from the cost of living or family or having children. And then you
Speaker 1 00:15:58 Just blow it all
Speaker 0 00:16:00 Like eating fast food or chocolate cake. It feels good in the moment, but I question whether the long-term rewards are there. Now, if you've been listening for a while, or if you're a client, you know, I can always argue both sides. And there are in fact advantages for a man to release, to finish whether he's with his partner or not, because it's likely going to increase his performance, especially if he hasn't had sex in a while, or he has an extremely high sex drive. I remember being a teenager and doing that where I'd finish early on in the day. If I knew I was going to see someone later that night, because I'd be calm and centered and relaxed, and I knew I could last longer and handle my business without having to worry about the undesirable consequences of being pushed over the edge. So people with a high sex drive and also people who have concerns around lasting, or they say you're a quick trigger.
Speaker 0 00:16:54 Or if your girlfriend has told you that you come a little too quick, or your performance is in the seconds or minutes category, then having an orgasm first can help sustain the day. And frankly, I also feel like having one once in a while is a wonderful thing. And you can and should do it no matter who you are and what your situation is. Just keep in mind, depending on how high your sex drive is and your body constitution, it can also make it challenging to keep it up, right? So you really have to weigh your consequences and you can play with this. It doesn't have to be an hour before you have sex with someone that you're releasing. It doesn't have to be earlier in the day. You could actually do it a couple of days prior to your date, depending on your sex drive and have that sustain you all the way through.
Speaker 0 00:17:43 All right, let's move into talking about pressure for a few minutes. Pressure is a very, very interesting word. It can make you effective. It can increase your performance. Pressure is what makes the diamond pressure can when applied correctly, create a lot of positive things in your life. But when people feel pressure sexually, whether you are a man or a woman, it's not a good thing. It's not a good look. It's not attractive at all. And it's something that we should avoid doing to our partners at all costs. Just think for a moment, if you've ever described a man or you've heard a friend of yours, describe a man in this way,
Speaker 2 00:18:23 He pressured her
Speaker 0 00:18:24 Into doing it pretty much. That sounds like some form of assault. It sounds like something that's absolutely unacceptable. And I think there's something in our society where women think that it does not go the other way. They don't have to be held accountable for anything, or men should just be able to take it or handle it or not be hurt by it. And that no matter how much pressure they put on, and by the way, women put on pressure in a very, very different way than men, they don't do it in a, they don't do it in a threatening or cruel or aggressive way. It's not menacing. It's nagging. It's a reminding. It could be a constant whining, even like a little girl, please, please, please, can we, will you do it, please, please. It's a ultimatum. It could come in the form of being cold or distant or aloof or withholding sex.
Speaker 0 00:19:13 Sometimes it comes in the form of tears or crying and begging other times it could be an ultimatum to lose the relationship. Pressure from a woman comes in many insidious ways, which aren't always obvious to men and it gets repeated over and over and over again until you feel forced into taking action or letting her have her way. So ladies, as any woman knows, if she feels, feels pressure from her partner to perform or to come or to finish or to give him or her sex to do absolutely anything that she doesn't want to do, especially in the realm of sexuality, especially if it's another man telling her what to do or questioning whether she's come yet, even just the question. Did you come yet? Are you close? This creates in all women's minds. Yes. Globally, a strong sense of pressure that they do not like I have never come across a woman who likes to hear the phrase, did you come yet?
Speaker 0 00:20:13 Or who wants to be forced or strong, armed into coming with successive questioning while she's working on reaching her orgasm? Unless this is one of those special kind of women who you can just breathe down there or tickle her. And she's already spilling over because she's so multi-orgasmic and can come from penetrative sex, then you can ask because the answer is likely going to be, yeah, I am again, but any woman who struggles to reach orgasm or takes some time, or she's got to find the right spot on her clit, or it has to be just the right stroke or angle, or a lot of conditions have to be met, or she's got to get out of her head. Then pressure is not a good thing. And it certainly, isn't a good thing for men either. Please do not confuse this with working really well under pressure or finishing your paper or report when you're under pressure.
Speaker 0 00:21:01 And you know, it's due in an hour or getting the job done better because you work better under pressure. Hear me when you put a man under pressure sexually, he can't perform either. No one is more effective and efficient. When they're super stressed out, he runs the risk of losing his erection. He might even get angry or upset and by the way, hurt and shut down is the default emotion for women's sexually anger and being upset and frustrated, which might be hiding the shame or discomfort or sadness underneath. But anger is a very natural response for men sexually when there's too much pressure. But anyhow, men too can get too caught up in their head. Men too can lose it. Men too can get frustrated or sad or distracted and not be able to perform. And if a man can't stay hard, then it's very likely that you're not going to have sex, a stop pressuring men in the bedroom to have their orgasm or see if they've come yet or be upset if they haven't come and consider yourself lucky.
Speaker 0 00:22:06 Yes. Lucky if you're with a man who's practicing holding back because he's lasting longer for you. Think of how many other worst situations there are sexually speaking than a man not finishing and it making you feel bad that you're not a good lover as we spoke just now he could not get it up. It could stay partially hard, which isn't fun. It could bend, it could hurt. He might only last a couple of moments or minutes. And then the whole experience is over. He could be a selfish lover and just want to satisfy himself or use you as a toy and on and on and on. So if you're with someone who either, for whatever reason, can't reach the orgasm or is intentionally practicing this concept of holding back, celebrate it, it's a really, really positive thing. It means you guys can do a lot more, have sex two or three more times in the day, do it more frequently during the week.
Speaker 0 00:22:58 And remember, if you are someone who does struggle with finishing too quickly or not being able to get hard, or you're watching too much porn, or you masturbate too much on your own, you try cutting all these things out and lengthening the time in between your climax. And you might find yourself performing like a champ. All right, now let's talk about the other side of this men. If you're listening, remember there is no reward for five-hour marathon sex. Nobody's going to be impressed with how long you last beyond a certain point. I had a friend call me a couple months ago and she was telling me about a new partner. She had, who she had not had sex with yet. And they'd been dating and talking had spent days together, maybe four or five days. And he was continuously telling her how he wanted to come over and have sex with her for five hours straight.
Speaker 0 00:23:46 And this was very, very intimidating for her. She felt self-conscious. She didn't know if she was ready for something like that. She didn't know what that meant, what would be expected of her. And if even she herself could perform at that level, it's not always going to be a good thing. So how much sex is enough sex? How long should you last? And can you quantify it now, if you've been listening to the podcast for a while, you know that I'm not a fan at all of doling out, very generic, very basic advice, such as you just got to do you, you just got to see what works for you and you got to see what feels right. This is the most, pretty much asinine thing on the planet. It's like, thank you, captain obvious. Thank you for this mind bending advice that I never thought of before, where I should see what works for me.
Speaker 0 00:24:28 So I know it works for me, but yes, in this specific case, there are times where it does depend on who the person is, how long they can last, what their likes and preferences are and what kind of sexual drive you have. There's no rule for what the perfect quantity of sex has to be discuss it with your partner. Talk about it, see what's right. But if I had to put a number on it, I would call that point for most people, somewhere between 20 to 45 minutes. If you've got that and you can stay hard for that quantity of time, there is no need to keep going for hours and hours and hours. And even as I'm saying this, you know, the sounds of women echoing in my head from the time I was 16 saying, no, no, no, no, no, no. I love going all night.
Speaker 0 00:25:10 I want it all night long. I love that. Yes, the exception does not make the rule. There are women out there who love hours and hours of sex, but most people are going to get tired. Women's bodies are going to get sore. Their vagina is going to get, or it can't just keep taking a beating hour after hour. Or if it does, you may not be happy. The next day, you may get a UTI. You may get BV. You may have other issues that arise from just too much sex. Most women do not want you to last all night long and hours and hours. She might want to do it multiple times. She might have a high sex drive where she's so into you and attracted to you that she wants to have multiple sexual experiences, but this insane amount of lasting, I even think 45 minutes is on the high end of that, of constant continuous sex.
Speaker 0 00:25:59 And the funny thing is, even as I record this, I know women who enjoy it for longer. I've been with women who enjoy it for much longer, but when you're having sex regularly, it doesn't need to be an all-out marathon. You don't have to go and go and go. And by the way, it's serious work to go for longer than an hour. You'll hear me talk about it again, but it starts to feel like cardiovascular exercise, all the pumping and all of the thrusting and supporting yourself for supporting her body or holding her up or holding her by her hair, her shoulders, or her low back or her neck. If she's in, in that sort of thing and maintaining your own posture and maintaining that constant steady thrust on the spot that she needs at most. This is not easy. It's very technical work in there.
Speaker 0 00:26:42 So if doing a good job and you're hitting all the right spots, you just don't need that much time. Although many women are not opposed to it. So I say somewhere between 25, 45 minutes an hour, it can be wonderful. But beyond that, it's all just a Gatorade commercial focus on the spots, focus on your technique, focus on the angles and hitting all the right places and sustaining it over time without losing it, help her climax in different ways. She never has before. Use your fingertips, use your tongue and your hands and your body and everything down below and your expertise and your rhythm. And she's having multiple orgasms over and over and over again at a certain point, that is going to be exhausting for a woman to making her shutter so much, making her shake with pleasure and grip the sheets and just leaving her as a sweaty, wet mess on the bed like that. It's like, that's it? The deed is done. It doesn't require half of your waking hours pushing and thrusting. Okay. So in some, at a certain point after giving really good sex, a woman is going to get tired of it all herself and say, okay, let's rest
Speaker 2 00:27:55 Or issue.
Speaker 0 00:27:57 Some will. Many women also have insatiable sex drives and insatiable appetites. Does it matter how much you make them come and come and come and come. They will look at you with inviting eyes and welcome more and more and more of it. You will be shocked by how much they can handle. You will give and give and give until you can no longer give any more having put in perhaps hours and hours of work. Only to have her throw herself at her feet at your shower or your bathroom or your bedroom floor, and quite sincerely beg for more, unless you are so potent and virile and you can take them over the edge so intensely that they cannot handle it anymore. Many women just want to keep coming and coming and coming and coming and coming and coming and coming and coming. And it doesn't stop.
Speaker 0 00:28:45 This is another subject we can get into, but sometimes you have to just call a girl out and say, listen, are seven orgasms enough, 10. Well, are they at what point have you had enough? When will you be all ComEd out? How thirsty and ravenous and hungry must you be that you need another. And another women can be very, very greedy with all of their orgasms and all of their comms. So if you're a man, enjoy the journey, not the destination. Now, for those of you still hell bent on banging it out for endless hours. I think at some point, sex can become very mechanical. It's hard for both people not to get too involved in their head, especially if it turns into a cardiovascular workout as men, we have the onus of performance, a woman in essence, unless she's riding the top lays there or sits there or takes it.
Speaker 0 00:29:41 She can participate of course, in many different ways. But the energy expenditure that driving that thrusting, that pumping that continuous force in and out is coming from the man. This takes a lot of energy as well, to get to a point where you just feel like you're putting in cardio, what's the point burning a few extra pounds while you take it for rounds and rounds, especially if she's already come 3, 5, 7, 10 times, do you really need to keep going and going and going? And listen, if you're with a partner who's an infill maniac and yes, and too much is never enough fine. But I say again, the exception is not the rule have a conversation with your partner, how much sex is enough sex. I'm continuously shocked and blown away at how few people know this about one another. And then once they write it on my form or they tell me in person, it comes out, oh, well, I think in a healthy relationship, people should be having sex twice a week, three times a week, five times a week.
Speaker 0 00:30:36 And you're going to find that with your partner, you may have very, very different ideas of what this is. Don't figure out how much sex is barely enough or enough that just scrapes by or as the bare minimum, how much sex is important to you in the relationship to feel satisfied in it, to feel like you don't want to stray, or you don't need anything else. You're not fantasizing about anything else to just keep it going at a healthy pace. So let's bring it back to this expectation to come finish and the idea of pressuring your partner into doing so. Now I'd be willing to bet that most women do not realize that they are heavily pressuring their partner to finish for their own selfish benefits that they can feel like they did a good job. And by the way, that's the exact same reason why men pressure women to come.
Speaker 0 00:31:19 Nobody likes it. But at the right time, there's certainly room to have a conversation about it. Like after sex, when you're relaxing. Oh, are you practicing holding back? Did you come? Do you do that on purpose? I'm curious. What's it like, and be genuinely and authentically curious about the outcome. Okay. There's a big difference between this is a bonus gift for the session here. A big difference between true, genuine, authentic curiosity and negative judgment curiosity is I find this fascinating, curious, interesting. I want to know more. Tell me about it. Judgment and insecurity. Sounds like the fact that you did this makes me feel really insecure. So I'm just curious. Can you tell me what's going on? Or can you tell me if you had a good time or not judgment and insecurity kill the relationship, do not conflate those two things with curiosity and then present to your partner.
Speaker 0 00:32:18 Oh, I'm just curious. I just want to know about these things. Just wondering when in fact at the very base of it is some pain or deeply rooted insecurity in yourself. When is a good time to get curious, not when you're in the throws of it and feeling insecure and uncomfortable and super judgy or Shamie or gross or cringy or unliked or unloved or anything like this. This is not the time to say that you're just curious. And ladies, there really is no need to feel insecure or to take it personally, or to feel like you're not enough. If your man or your partner, isn't reaching orgasm because he's likely doing it for numerous different reasons to pleasure you, to make you feel good to last longer so that he wants to have more sex with you so that he has more energy, countless reasons.
Speaker 0 00:33:03 Why a man may not climax and only very, very, very few people on the planet don't do that because they actually can't or they have some sort of issue going on inside of them that needs addressing. And even then it's likely not because you're not arousing enough. The interesting thing is the more unattractive a woman is sometimes a man can ejaculate even quicker to get it over with himself because he's not into it. Or he doesn't like what he's doing. So his body just pushes it out. And similarly you could be a very, very attractive woman and make him very nervous and uneasy, and he could finish quickly. Or he's gotten to the point where it's marathon sex because you're coming and coming and coming. And now he is just doing cardio. And when you're doing cardio and orgasm is a far cry away, even issues of hardness, you know, so often women think though, he can't get hard, it must be her.
Speaker 0 00:33:57 It might be, you sure could be. But there's also a lot of other factors going on that contribute to whether a man gets hard, stays hard and so forth. Just like your complex. We are a little complex in that department as well. All right. So let's wrap this nice little succinct episode up with a few tips and a little review. First of all, it's always going to be in your benefit, especially if you come quickly to last a little bit longer or a lot longer to work on your body's control and to not actually ejaculate, it has so many benefits. Yes. There are benefits of actually reaching orgasm. Yes, there are spiritual practices to bring it up your spine and circulate it throughout your body. But if you are just one of the masses, as many of us are, it's going to be easier for you to hold back once in a while, especially as you get older, some say over 40 some silver, 35, 38, some say mid forties.
Speaker 0 00:34:54 I find that practicing that once in a while, even if you're in your twenties is going to help your sex life in one way or another. Now, if you're someone who climaxes ejaculates reaches orgasm every single time that you have sex with your partner, you've never known anything else. You either do it inadvertently, or it happens too fast for you, or it happens when you want it to, but you are always doing it. And you realize that the sexual relationship or relationships that you're having leaves something to be desired, meaning something's missing, or she's not satisfied enough. Or, uh, she'd like
Speaker 2 00:35:30 More of you. If she speaks to you
Speaker 0 00:35:32 About this, maybe she wants to increase the frequency or she wants you to try something different. Or maybe you do the same old thing time in and time out. I of course, invite you to try abstaining from ejaculating. It's going to enhance your desire, your creativity, your willingness, your ability to last longer, your performance ability build up some of your energy. Are you someone who watches a lot of porn and comes multiple times a week while also having sex with your partner? And she would like to have a little more sex consider giving up porn for a little bit, consider not ejaculating when you watch it. Do not assume that just because every man finishes in porn, because that's the pop shot or the proof in the pudding that it happens. That that's how it needs to happen for you. The sex does not have to be over when you finish.
Speaker 0 00:36:18 In fact, you do not need to finish at all. And when you don't, when you're not so preoccupied with ramming that train to its destination, having your orgasm, getting those three seconds of pleasure, suddenly a whole new world opens up to you. If you're not someone who has a lot of sex, you're not very experienced, or even if you are, and you find yourself to be a quick trigger. Maybe, maybe masturbation could work for you beforehand, where you do purposely ejaculate and come so that you can actually last longer later, if you don't have a problem, getting hard, that's going to work. If you've got a really, really high sex drive and getting hard for you is an issue, but preserving your energy, working on holding back, pleasuring her, really getting into her pleasure, actually enjoying the experience without being destination driven. All of these things can contribute to better hotter sex for both of you.
Speaker 0 00:37:10 And it's much more rewarding than using a woman for sex or expecting that she should pleasure you or do things for you or go down on you. Or you just want to have a quickie and you think she should be instantly ready for you to have your way with her. These things are very, very unpleasant for women when the sex isn't good. When it's selfish, when it's seldom, when you haven't put in any effort to make her feel good. When you haven't taken her out for a little bit, when you haven't spent time turning her on and turning her out when it's good, they'll do anything for you. But when it's not, it's not the time to ask for quickies swallowing blowjobs and all of this other very male oriented pleasure. When your relationship isn't great sexually with your partner, put in the work, make it right, grow it, and then reap the rewards of having everything that you love.
Speaker 0 00:37:57 If you're more experienced and you're into edging, or almost bringing yourself to climax and holding back and then getting there and pulling back and getting there, holding back, and then finally releasing that's an option. You can also begin to look into some spiritual practices. The big catchphrase for the last 50 years is moving the orgasm of your spine, letting it move throughout your whole body and breathing it up and being able to experience a full body orgasm. This type of stuff takes a lot of time, energy, effort, and practice. And it's not just practicing sex, by the way. It's practicing breath, work, yoga, postures presence. Being with yourself, having bodily control restraint. There's a lot that goes into it. It's not just, oh, I'm just not going to come and breathe this orgasm at my spine. So women remember that. Also, when you say that being tantric, you don't just go take a workshop or read a book.
Speaker 0 00:38:48 And suddenly you are a tantrica or a mistress or a master capable of these things. They take an enormous amount of presence and a ton of your time, especially if you only have one partner to work on it with over and over and over again. So in the end to come or not to come well, I would strongly say it. No, no, no, no, no. Don't bus it. Restraint, restraint, restraint, gentlemen, if you're a man, it's almost always in your best interest to not finish now, listen, I'm not a doctor. I'm not dispensing medical advice here. I'm not telling you. You should hold it back. If you can't maybe creating a problem for yourself by squeezing so hard, or maybe trying to keep it from coming out. I'm suggesting teaching yourself to not get to that point where you, you have to hold it back where it's actually hard to hold it back.
Speaker 0 00:39:38 You're able to just keep going without constantly being on the edge. You don't want to always find yourself so on the edge. And so on the verge of blowing that you have no choice. That's where unwanted pregnancies come into play. That's where unwanted accidents happen. I'm inviting you to take a different journey or a different path with your girlfriend, partner, wife, and show them a whole new world of pleasure and excitement. And ladies, see if you can pleasure your man without giving him a guilt trip or using a menacing tone or allowing insecurity to get out of control, consider not using demanding words. Why didn't you, are you going to, I want you to, it would turn me on so much if help your partner not feel the pressure of not having an orgasm, just the way you like when they aren't pressuring you do these things, ladies and gentlemen over time.
Speaker 0 00:40:25 And I think it will keep your customer or customers coming back for more and more and more. My name is Tari. Thank you for listening. And I'll see you in the next episode. Thank you for joining us on the closeness podcast. If you haven't already done. So please subscribe to the podcast on the platform of your choice. You can find us on
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[email protected] forward slash closeness. And if you're finally ready to get some in-person coaching and get some one-on-one or two on one help virtually, or if you live in San Diego in person in my office, please fill out an intake form at www dot, get closeness.com forward slash intake. Thank you and have a wonderful day.
