Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Welcome to the Closeness Podcast, your new Sexual Education. My name is Tari. I'll be your host for tonight. And today's episode deals with understanding and having empathy for inexperienced men when it comes to sex, as well as uncovering what men and women can do about it if they find themselves in this position. And we're talking about virginal men, men who have had very few partners, men who aren't quite sure what they're doing with women or don't really know how to progress things forward with women. A lot of subjects that get swept under the rug. We're going to talk about some truths. We're going to talk about how they feel, how women respond to them, and of course, the things that you can do together to improve your sex life, whether you're a man or woman listening, if you find yourself in a situation.
[00:00:44] Speaker B: With an inexperienced man, as shocking as.
[00:00:48] Speaker A: It may sound to some, the amount of men who have very little sexual experience is actually rather large. It just doesn't get spoken about very often. It gets made fun of people tease about it or shame about it. And often a partner's capacity to stay emotionally present, in love and involved with someone diminishes when their partner doesn't have.
[00:01:08] Speaker B: A lot of experience around sex.
[00:01:10] Speaker A: It also happens to be true that a lot of women who are involved with inexperienced men do not have a lot of patience or empathy for them. And certainly if this problem has been going on for several weeks, months, and especially years, of course, if you are someone who's been dealing with this for.
[00:01:27] Speaker C: Years, it is frustrating.
[00:01:28] Speaker A: It can be very challenging. So first, this episode is aimed at giving men listening a sense of reassurance, empathy, and understanding that you are absolutely not alone, not by a long shot.
[00:01:40] Speaker C: This isn't easy.
[00:01:42] Speaker A: And to also give some direction to both the men listening and their partners on what you can do to improve the situation, because a lot of you feel stuck. You're together, you're in a monogamous relationship, and you don't know what to do next.
I thought for a while of how I wanted to kick things off with this podcast, and I think the answer is discussing cause and effect, action and reaction, or the idea that every action has a consequence and every behavior has a consequence in our lives. No matter what we do, we almost always think we're making the right choice.
[00:02:17] Speaker C: For ourselves, especially if we're doing it.
[00:02:19] Speaker A: In the name of religion or spirituality.
[00:02:22] Speaker C: Or being traditional, or simply what our.
[00:02:25] Speaker A: Parents taught us to do, which we therefore think is the way it's done.
[00:02:29] Speaker C: And the hard part about this is.
[00:02:31] Speaker A: Often the consequences and the results from carrying certain belief systems with us throughout our entire life are things that we don't know about until years later. Now, here's the deal. If we are indoctrinated or taught or raised, perhaps groomed to believe certain things about intimacy, ourselves, closeness and sex, or worse, it's forbidden to talk about, explore, play with, and discover any aspect of our own sexuality or the sexuality of someone else.
[00:02:59] Speaker C: When we're younger, when we're teenagers, when we're in our early 20s, then, quite simply, it carries some pretty heavy consequences when it comes to our time in the bedroom. I mean, you could even think of this as karma, which informally defined means.
[00:03:12] Speaker A: Destiny or fate following as effect from cause.
So I start here because when you're growing up, you don't actually have a concept of being raised. You don't have a sense that you're being taught one way. But there are many ways to do things in the world. You're just taught the way that you're taught or you're not taught, and you.
[00:03:32] Speaker C: Have to figure out something all on your own. And for many of us, we don't begin to develop consciousness or our own ideas until much later in life.
[00:03:42] Speaker A: So when it comes to things like conviction or belief in something, standing for something, for many of us this doesn't occur until our late thirty s, forty s, sometimes fifty s. And for some people, they never stand for anything at all. One thing that almost everyone experiences, however, is being raised by a parent, or both parents in a very specific way.
[00:04:02] Speaker C: And that plays itself out with morals, virtue, culture, ideas, identity, sexuality, intimacy, closeness. I-E-I never grew up with parents who were affectionate towards me, or my parents were always touchy feely with me, or my parents always said I love you, or my parents never said I love you.
[00:04:23] Speaker A: So, cause and effect. Every action has a reaction or a consequence. Every choice has a consequence. You raise your child by not giving it any affection or approval or validation, and some pretty lousy things happen and.
[00:04:36] Speaker C: They wind up becoming adults who are constantly seeking and always looking for their parents approval and validation and wishing they just got that one. I love you or congratulations. But as you know, this episode is.
[00:04:48] Speaker A: More geared towards sex. And so now we're going to talk about that. And I feel strongly about the fact that your upbringing, your religion, your culture, your choices that you've made around drugs, alcohol and pills, has a lot to do with how you feel or don't feel about sex and your sexuality.
[00:05:03] Speaker C: And this is not to be disrespectful or to disregard anyone's culture, religion, or upbringing. But each one of those carries with it a consequence, and for many, that.
[00:05:14] Speaker A: Consequence is going to be very costly in the bedroom. Now, some believe that the benefits of an extremely traditional lifestyle outweigh the cons or the consequences. But a healthy, happy relationship does not exclusively consist of being great parents, being best friends and roommates, getting along well, and having your friends and neighbors think that you're a great couple. There's a huge, huge intimate component, far reaching beyond sex, that matters to most people. If you care about intimacy at all, and if you believe in monogamy and you're choosing one person to be the funnel through which all of that attention, sexuality and intimacy can flow through. If all sexual pleasure, chemistry, and intimacy has to come from one person, well.
[00:05:56] Speaker C: You had better pick wisely. If you picked someone for all the.
[00:06:01] Speaker A: Other reasons, and women tend to do this all the time because he looked good on paper, or he made her feel really safe, or he wasn't like all the other guys who wanted sex.
[00:06:11] Speaker C: From her, or your family chose them, or whatever it may be, it's very.
[00:06:15] Speaker A: Likely that your sexuality going forward is going to reflect that. It's going to be a little void of passion, excitement, emotion, chemistry, seduction, all of the things that most people really want. So hopefully that didn't sound too morbid.
[00:06:30] Speaker B: Let's figure out what we can do about it.
[00:06:34] Speaker A: Concept number one, you're not alone. If you're a man listening to this and you happen to be a virgin, you haven't slept with a woman before, or you're now married to a woman and she's your first partner. Maybe you've had very minimal interactions with other women. Maybe you've had some sexual interactions, but haven't actually had sex. In some cases, you've only ever been with a prostitute or a 304. Or finally, maybe you're married to your wife and you've had very minimal sex together, and you're just really not sure what to do next. You've got to know that there are many, many people in the world who are in a similar position, and you can improve on this. It doesn't have to be this way for the rest of your life. Whatever has prevented you from being active.
[00:07:17] Speaker C: Sexually or taking an active interest in.
[00:07:19] Speaker A: It, you might be feeling a little shame or guilt about this subject, but specifically, this podcast is geared at helping you getting through these exact situations.
You don't know what you don't know, and like anything that you don't give your attention to in life. If you stop focusing on it or don't practice it, or don't put your attention on it, it's not going to be a skill set that you have in your pocket.
[00:07:42] Speaker C: And as much as we'd like to.
[00:07:44] Speaker A: Believe that sexual intimacy is something that.
[00:07:46] Speaker C: Comes natural to all of us, and for some of us, perhaps it does.
[00:07:50] Speaker A: For many of us, it's something that's learned.
[00:07:52] Speaker C: We just don't remember that we did.
[00:07:54] Speaker B: Because how and where would you have.
[00:07:57] Speaker A: Had the opportunity to get better? I remember my first time.
[00:08:00] Speaker C: It absolutely was not what I had in mind, or how I wanted things to go, or with who I wanted it to be with, or how I wanted it to go down.
[00:08:08] Speaker A: In fact, I had a crush on my first younger sister who I was in school with, so we were of similar age. But it wound up happening with someone who was probably over ten years older than me, who didn't want me to do it with her sister because she wanted to have me for herself, if you can believe that. In any case, if you're someone who has been raised under a certain religion or a certain belief system, in other words, sex is bad, we don't talk about it. It's shameful. This isn't something that you do.
[00:08:36] Speaker C: No one talks about it publicly.
[00:08:37] Speaker A: You can't talk about with your family or friends.
[00:08:39] Speaker C: You shouldn't be doing it. And it only happens if and when you get married.
[00:08:43] Speaker A: It's very likely that the sexual experiences that you have had, if any, have.
[00:08:48] Speaker C: Been rather awkward and full of shame.
[00:08:51] Speaker A: Or feeling like you're doing something that you shouldn't do.
It's also probably true that you haven't had the ability to practice and practice.
[00:08:59] Speaker C: And practice to gain some very necessary experience to know how to handle yourself sexually.
[00:09:06] Speaker A: And you might think to yourself, well.
[00:09:08] Speaker C: You can learn this stuff. And yes, to a degree you can.
[00:09:11] Speaker A: But what I've learned from all of the inexperienced clients who have come in to see me requesting help, whether it's been a man or woman, is that.
[00:09:18] Speaker C: When it actually comes time to do it.
[00:09:20] Speaker A: Say you get married when you're 23.
[00:09:22] Speaker C: Or 25 or 30, and you no longer are bound to these old rules of not being allowed to, or not meeting someone to be able to do it with, or finally being able to experience some pleasure. I think somehow for thousands of years the world has been convinced that you're just going to wake up one day with the ability to have sex and.
[00:09:43] Speaker A: Be great at it, or have all the fun you want, or do whatever.
[00:09:49] Speaker C: You want with your partner, because now.
[00:09:50] Speaker A: It'S legal, or now it's okay, or.
[00:09:52] Speaker C: Now it's safe, or now your religion condones it, or now your culture says it's okay. And the fact of the matter is, you don't just wake up one day and know how to do it.
[00:10:04] Speaker A: The only thing that has shifted is that a new thought in your brain suddenly says, well, I guess this is okay. Now you feel like you have permission or you're allowed, but you don't turn into a sexual dynamo.
[00:10:17] Speaker C: Human beings don't work that way. We carry a lot of guilt, insecurity, nervousness, uneasiness. It's not like a light bulb goes on and suddenly you know how to do the Kamasutra, or you know how to put your partner through all different positions, or how to connect with her.
[00:10:31] Speaker A: Or be present with her, or give.
[00:10:34] Speaker C: Her any kind of an experience outside of the act itself. Everybody knows that something goes in a certain place and you move it back and forth a little bit, and that's the act of sex. But that's a paltry comparison to the true pleasure that awaits you when you're really connected with someone and you know what to do. So, number one, you're not alone. It is likely that every single person who has had no prior sexual experience, who is now an adult in their twenty s, thirty s or 40s, who then wants to engage in sex, it's.
[00:11:06] Speaker A: Likely that it's going to be very.
[00:11:08] Speaker C: Very challenging and difficult for you in.
[00:11:10] Speaker A: A variety of ways.
[00:11:12] Speaker C: How long you can last, whether you.
[00:11:14] Speaker A: Get hard or not?
[00:11:15] Speaker C: What excites you and turns you on? Are you too sensitive because everything excites you? Are you too nervous? So nothing excites you? How are you going to get out of your own head to be able to please your partner? Do you even know that you should please your partner? Do you know that it's not up to her exclusively to experience her own pleasure, but is largely dependent on some of the things that you do with and for her?
And then, number two, doesn't this make perfect sense? Because where would you learn this? You can't learn it from a book. You can't learn it from listening to stories from friends. You can't learn it from porn. You can't learn it from an older brother or sister.
[00:11:54] Speaker A: Not really.
[00:11:54] Speaker C: You can't really get it in your body.
And then, number three, it's very likely that you're experiencing some form of shame, guilt, sadness, depression, hurt, or even something as simple as not knowing when it comes to these issues of sexuality.
[00:12:09] Speaker A: And a reminder here that if your female partners aren't listening, I would strongly encourage you to do so.
[00:12:15] Speaker C: Because, ladies, it's really important for you to know this. So many women have high expectations of what their partner should do for them sexually. Well, sexually and in other places, too.
[00:12:25] Speaker A: You want to feel good, too.
[00:12:28] Speaker C: You want to come.
[00:12:29] Speaker A: You want your man to take care of you in a certain way. You want to have all those good, positive emotions and feelings. And, you know, the advanced course of all this, gentlemen, is that women don't want to think very much in bed. They don't want to make decisions. They don't want to lead, and they don't want to teach.
[00:12:47] Speaker B: And that leads us to our next.
[00:12:49] Speaker C: Concept, the idea that women do not want to teach their male partners how to be sexual or how to do the things that they want them to do to them.
[00:12:58] Speaker A: Because not only is it likely that she doesn't know how to teach you or what to teach you, and not only is it true that it defeats the whole purpose of hot, passionate sexuality for her, but it also leaves her feeling angry, frustrated, resentful, unseen, unattractive, undesirable.
[00:13:16] Speaker C: Turns them off. I mean, the list goes on and on.
[00:13:19] Speaker A: But perhaps the biggest reason might very well be what it says to them about you or what it says to them about being your women if they have to show you.
[00:13:30] Speaker C: Now, is this sad, and is this a bummer? And shouldn't it be different? Yeah, I think it would be great if it was different. I think it would be great if, just like when an experienced man comes across a virginal or inexperienced woman, he can open her and teach her so many things and make her body feel so good and be patient with her and loving and nurturing.
[00:13:50] Speaker B: When she feels insecure, shy about her.
[00:13:54] Speaker C: Body, not sure about how her body works, when she feels fat or skinny or unattractive. And he's able to reassure her.
But often, sadly, let's just call it female nature, this doesn't go in the opposite direction. Women do not want to coddle, nurture.
[00:14:14] Speaker A: Support, and do all the similar behavior that she might do for her son or for a child.
Let me say it this way.
[00:14:21] Speaker C: All the feminine qualities that we transcribe to women and that we love about women, how they are with each other, how they are with their children, and often how they are with us as partners, sometimes it doesn't come out sexually. When it comes to sexuality, it becomes very, very frustrating, annoying, challenging, discouraging, and sad for a woman to try to teach her man how to be sexual, how to be dominant with her. And that word specifically, I think, lends a lot to understanding. In simple terms, if you have to teach someone how to be dominant with.
[00:15:03] Speaker A: You, were they ever really dominant? And can you ever really buy into the fact that they are?
[00:15:09] Speaker C: And if what you're seeking is a man who's decisive and dominant, can he step into that role if you're holding his hand every step of the way or saying, grab me like this, tell me no, like this, put me in my place like this. And I'm exaggerating here with the ideas.
[00:15:24] Speaker B: Of dominance, but it really is tricking.
[00:15:26] Speaker A: So as we're building a philosophy here.
[00:15:28] Speaker C: You got to know women do not want to teach men how to pleasure them, how to be assertive, how to be dominant. And more than that, more to the point, most women don't know how to do it. Most women do not know how to teach a man how to make them feel good. And a lot of women also don't even know what they want. Now, this is not everyone. I'm not trying to make sweeping generalizations here. Well, perhaps to some degree, but check.
[00:15:54] Speaker A: In with yourself as a lady. And if you are listening to this.
[00:15:57] Speaker C: Podcast together, ask your woman, do you want to teach me how to be better in bed with you?
And then the other side of this is some women can and will do it temporarily or once or twice or on occasion. I find that mostly it looks like once or twice, and then they get frustrated, or if the man doesn't get it right away, then they shut down and they want to close their legs, or they don't want him going down on her, or it becomes annoying. And I think there are reasons we could go into what that is as to why women don't want to do this and why it becomes annoying. I suspect a lot of it has to do with anatomy. And if a man is poking around down there or sticking his finger in the wrong places, or hasn't cut his nails and he's actually hurting her, it becomes annoying really fast, kind of the way a blowjob would. If someone was constantly using her teeth and nails, just completely unappealing, it would shut us down as men as well. If we were trying to show someone something and everything they were doing was.
[00:16:50] Speaker B: Like the wrong way or hurting them.
[00:16:52] Speaker C: And because female anatomy is so different than the male anatomy, and everything's on the inside or hiding under something, it.
[00:16:58] Speaker A: Makes doing your best work a little more tricky.
[00:17:03] Speaker C: Okay, major concept number three, a lot of inexperienced men often find themselves with experienced women, sometimes even very experienced women. Often a woman has been with at least one, two, three, or 30 other men.
[00:17:20] Speaker A: And so she knows how it goes. She understands the flow. It's not her first rodeo. And if any of these men have been really good to her in bed.
[00:17:28] Speaker C: Or shown her a great time, or put her pleasure first, or lasted longer than three or six minutes, or were able to be calm and relaxed in bed, or were very present, she's likely then to have an expectation about how sex should be.
[00:17:44] Speaker A: Just like often, how we are raised dictates how we think the world should be.
[00:17:48] Speaker C: So, as a man, if you're marrying or getting together with a woman who's had some sexual experience and you haven't, she now already has a higher bar set for you on what her expectations of you will be. It will be infinitely more disappointing when you do things that, for her, don't feel right. When you do things that seem off, it'll become more frustrating and annoying. I know I'm painting a very bleak picture here, but hopefully, as you're listening to this, you're going, oh, this is happening to me, too. And everyone can relate. And when you understand why it's happening, hopefully you can do something about it.
[00:18:21] Speaker A: And again, just keep listening.
[00:18:24] Speaker C: All right, concept number four here banks on the previous one, which is that in the beginning of all relationships, everybody wants to have sex with everybody. Desire is high. Hormones are high. Everybody's horny all the time. And often the experienced woman will find herself initiating way more than she normally would. Way, way more. And this might be a verbal invitation, let's go have sex. It might be her bringing a toy or lube or something into the bedroom. It might be her just showing up naked or wearing something sexy, or taking off her clothes, or just putting her hand on his leg or caressing him.
[00:19:05] Speaker A: Or making herself available.
[00:19:06] Speaker C: Whatever it is, however a woman decides to initiate. And by the way, ladies listening, any of those are perfectly fine ideas for you to initiate with your man right now. It creates this false sense of sexual chemistry, because she's initiating most of the time. I am an enormous fan and proponent of women initiating. I love it. I love seeing when my clients do it. And I certainly think more women should initiate more of the time. However, once again, this is not female nature. And so when I speak about it as women, don't do this. I'm not saying you shouldn't. I'm not saying you can't. I'm just saying it's very rare that women do, or that they feel safe to, or that they can, or that.
[00:19:44] Speaker A: They know what to do, or that.
[00:19:46] Speaker C: They even want to do it.
After the romance phase is over, in any relationship, we start showing our true colors. And most women do not want to constantly be in a position of initiating and starting things off. They want to feel, well, many of them word it like a lady, like a woman. Or they want to feel their man. They want to feel his masculinity. Just like as men. We like feminine, friendly, fit, often submissive and vulnerable women. Women like masculinity.
[00:20:23] Speaker A: They like strong, stoic, present, sometimes intense. They like feeling small in his arms. They like feeling protected.
[00:20:30] Speaker C: And you can behave like a man. It's not that she's looking for someone else, but if she's the one who's always initiating, that doesn't make her feel like a woman. What makes her feel like a woman is when a man takes the lead, takes charge. She doesn't have to make choices. She doesn't have to decide. She doesn't have to think. And she can be taken on this sexual experience. Now, how on earth are you going to do that if you've had no sexual experience before, you've never even thought of doing something like that with her. She's initiated most of the time, and now she seems upset and angry and like she doesn't want you to touch her because she's not now getting what her body instinctively craves.
[00:21:10] Speaker B: Once again, it's a very hard position to be in.
[00:21:15] Speaker C: Okay, concept number five. And I don't want to paint women here in any one particular way. So I'm talking about a very particular situation, which is when a woman is with an inexperienced man. So I don't think that all or most women are angry and vengeful and upset and frustrated all the time, by any means. But it seems like when a woman wants to have sex with a man, or wants her man to be intimate with her, and he doesn't know how, or he doesn't initiate, or she waits and waits and waits and waits, and nothing happens, or she has to do it herself all the time, she becomes angry, bitter, frustrated, resentful. She'll wind up feeling unattractive. She often shuts down. She'll often close down sex and not.
[00:21:59] Speaker A: Make herself available for sex at all.
[00:22:01] Speaker C: Maybe she'll convince herself that her life will become a sexless life. All number of things begin to happen when a man doesn't or stops initiating, or if he just doesn't know how.
[00:22:14] Speaker B: We get in our shadow side.
[00:22:15] Speaker C: And men do this, too, for a multitude of reasons. Men get angry and bitter, resentful and hurt and shut down. But in this particular case, we're talking.
[00:22:23] Speaker B: About why it happens in a partnership with women.
[00:22:26] Speaker C: So, ladies, listening, if you believe that men are obsessed with sex, it's all we think about. It's always on our minds. We want sex all the time, but we were never allowed to have it growing up. We were shamed for it, or threatened or fear was instilled in us that something terrible would happen to us now or in an afterlife, or it wasn't culturally acceptable. So we didn't have any experience with anybody else. And we meet you, the love of our life. We want to pleasure you and take care of you and be with you. And so we're raised to be a good guy, a nice guy, a kind guy, someone who doesn't push your boundaries, someone who, if you say, hey, no, I don't want to do this, or, I'm not ready, the man backs way up, way, way up. A lot of men don't understand in their partnership that if a woman isn't ready to be intimate with you, it likely means, and you discover this through conversation and consent, but it likely means that she's just not ready yet. Yet. Not that you should feel rejected, leave the room, and come back next year, next month, next week, or the next day. You could literally walk out the room and come back in. Or you could just try a different approach, or you could try something different that would warm her up or that would make her feel more sensual or.
[00:23:36] Speaker B: Beautiful or receptive to sex and intimacy.
[00:23:40] Speaker C: So, ladies, your man has the way he was raised, the culture in which he was raised. He was raised as a gentleman or a good person and someone who doesn't want to make you upset or hurt you in any way. He doesn't have any education around sex. You maybe do. And now he's with you, and he's supposed to know how to pleasure you. And when he tries, or if he doesn't try and you have to initiate, you get frustrated, angry, and shut down.
Where on earth does this guy go for help on this subject? This concept I think we've spoken about before in other podcasts, too. It's an important one. He can't. I mean, there's unconventional methods. He could seek out the company of many prostitutes. He could perhaps get on a dating app and see if anyone else would be willing to teach him, show him, sleep with him on some alternative websites, perhaps for some extremely open minded people, you have a friend who finds him attractive or takes a little pity and wants to show him the ropes. But all of these things are very unlikely, very, very unusual for traditional relationships. So he's kind of stuck with what he's got.
[00:24:45] Speaker A: And so it really comes down to.
[00:24:47] Speaker C: Getting an education, talking to someone you feel safe with, doing real world exercises with your partner in the presence of a professional that helps you unlock. Assertion, initiation, chemistry, passion, eye contact, presence, all of these things are skills. They don't just come with practice.
[00:25:07] Speaker A: Some of them are things you actually.
[00:25:08] Speaker C: Have to tune into and tap into. You can teach anyone how to paint a wall, but you can't necessarily teach someone how to disarm someone's walls that they can't see, how to transmute their walls into something passionate, how to soften a person, how to open a person. These are things that are felt and that come with a great deal of experience.
So, women, if you're listening, what can you do in this kind of a situation? Whether you too are also a virgin or were a virgin before you met your man, or you have a lot of experience under your belt, or a little bit, what can you do to support your man?
[00:25:46] Speaker A: It's going to sound really simple.
[00:25:47] Speaker C: Possibly you've done this many times before.
[00:25:50] Speaker B: But I think what it requires are two things.
[00:25:53] Speaker C: Number one, your loving patience. Patience does not mean waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. For a man who never does anything, that's a different subject. That's talking about initiation, leading, getting him to initiate.
[00:26:07] Speaker A: You want to create a safe environment.
[00:26:08] Speaker C: So that he can initiate. Ladies, if you hate rejection, would you.
[00:26:13] Speaker B: Initiate with a hostile man? Would you initiate with a man who has an anger problem? Would you initiate with a man?
[00:26:19] Speaker C: If you never knew what you were going to get, he was going to blow up at you or insult you.
[00:26:22] Speaker B: Or put you down.
[00:26:24] Speaker C: You wouldn't dare.
Men are the same way. If you're hostile, angrY, frustrated, pissed, snappy, insulting, diminutive, leave an offhanded remark. Make him feel small. You think that guy can come and step in and be the man you want him to be?
[00:26:44] Speaker B: Hell no.
[00:26:46] Speaker C: He needs loving, nurturing, support, or safe support. Or your receptivity, or your patience, or your willingness to be playful. Or your willingness to be sensual. Or your willingness to breathe with him, or your willingness to help calm him down and soothe him so that his shaky touch smooths out a little bit. So that his tight, tense kisses relax a little bit more. And yes, a little bit of guidance, not slow down.
[00:27:17] Speaker A: What are you doing? Why are you looking at me like that and you're biting me and I hate when you do this, but more like, baby, take a breath with me.
Let me feel you, taste me.
[00:27:31] Speaker C: Savor my lips. I want you to dot, dot, dot.
[00:27:34] Speaker A: It would make me feel so good.
[00:27:35] Speaker C: If you dot, dot, dot. It would turn me on if you.
[00:27:38] Speaker A: Looked at me like this. Put your fingers on me here, put my mouth on you there. Took your time, ramped up the intensity. Put your blah blah blah on my dot, dot, dot.
[00:27:50] Speaker C: These are ways that you can be supportive and patient and understanding and men listening. If your woman decides to do this for you, you have got to step up and take action. You've got to put 1ft in front of the other.
[00:28:03] Speaker A: They often say in clinic, keep the train moving.
[00:28:06] Speaker C: You've got to keep taking action. You've got to go towards the next step and not get lost in some hufflepuff of caressing and caressing and caressing and caressing and lovingly pressing your forehead.
[00:28:18] Speaker A: Against hers and rubbing her arms, squeezing them and just rubbing all over aimlessly.
[00:28:23] Speaker C: There has to be some direction and.
[00:28:25] Speaker B: We'Ll get to that later.
[00:28:27] Speaker C: So ladies, choosing patience, love, understanding, which you now have, hopefully, as a result of listening to this podcast, over frustration, anger and shutting down. That's what it takes. Because no one can initiate with a person who shut down. And then number two, the second thing you can do to help your man is initiate more. In the beginning, you might have done this already, you might be used to doing this. But now with this new understanding and him listening and him understanding that he needs to step up, it's different. Often women think that they have to initiate by saying it, let's go have sex. Or putting on high heels and lingerie and coming out looking like a vixen and risking him watching TV or being on the iPad, or not being interested or not noticing her. Doesn't have to be any of that. Any of the things I listed before, and I'll list some of them again. Eye contact. A loving gaze. Walking directly over to him. Putting your hand on his chest and rubbing it. Putting your hand on his leg and rubbing it. Putting your hand between his leg and rubbing it, obviously putting your hand on his butt and squeezing it or rubbing it. Going down on him briefly so he doesn't finish too early, suggesting something. Coming to bed naked. Coming to bed in lingerie. Coming to bed wearing just sexy underwear. Coming to bed topless. Being in front of him topless. For many men, simply seeing you, and you're very lucky, ladies, that life works this way.
[00:29:48] Speaker B: Simply him seeing you creates attraction.
[00:29:52] Speaker C: It's not always that way for women.
[00:29:54] Speaker A: It's not always the case that a woman just looks at a man and she's suddenly dripping wet. With rare exceptions.
[00:30:00] Speaker C: But as men, we have to go.
[00:30:01] Speaker A: About it in a very different way.
[00:30:03] Speaker C: We have to build and create our sexual desirability through often exercise, working out interactions with other women. Status, confidence. But yes, ladies, initiating with your man, helping him see how it's done. And then men, when she does, instead of getting so wrapped up in oh, such a turn on, I love it, you can relax instead of getting all wrapped up in that. Notice what she does, and you can often do the same thing.
[00:30:29] Speaker A: You can often just copy the exact same things that she did to initiate with you, with her, and it will work. It doesn't always have to be a super masculine gesture. You can just walk over to her.
[00:30:40] Speaker C: With your nice masculine presence, eye contact, put your hands softly on her somewhere nice and get things started.
[00:30:48] Speaker A: And I will add one more third.
[00:30:49] Speaker C: Thing that women can do here to.
[00:30:51] Speaker A: Help their men along, and that's to shift your mindset about how you think about initiating. Most likely you're a woman who thinks that initiating is a man's job. Initiating is something you don't want to do. Initiating puts you in your head, makes you risk rejection.
[00:31:07] Speaker B: You've got all these different ideas about it.
But what if you were to just.
[00:31:11] Speaker A: Discard all of that thinking for a little bit and take on the idea that you are a seductress, an enticer, maybe that your man just needs a little help, or that he doesn't find you arousing enough yet. You can play with those mindset shifts. And that by making yourself available and doing some of the things that I previously mentioned, which does not involve much effort or work on your part at all. It's literally just minor interactions with eye.
[00:31:41] Speaker B: Contact and presence and touch that you.
[00:31:45] Speaker A: Can solicit him and help him get the ball rolling so that he doesn't risk and fear your rejection. And it can help him start to feel more confident about engaging and interacting with you.
[00:31:57] Speaker B: I think there are a ton of.
[00:31:58] Speaker A: Things that both men and women would get done if rejection wasn't an option, or we knew we could do it without being rejected.
[00:32:05] Speaker C: And women, when you're married to someone.
[00:32:07] Speaker A: Who wants to have sex with you all the time and just is nervous.
[00:32:09] Speaker C: To do it or doesn't know how.
[00:32:10] Speaker A: To go about doing it, you making it easy, or certainly easier can help give him that confidence. In fact, if you raise a child, and you constantly encourage him to get.
[00:32:22] Speaker C: Out of the house, to leave, to.
[00:32:23] Speaker A: Be independent, kind of knock him out of the nest. He's far less likely to be so than if you are lovingly supportive and always helping him to feel safe, knowing he has somewhere to come back to, knowing he could come home if he needs to. He's far more likely to go out and be industrious in the world.
[00:32:41] Speaker C: Same thing applies here.
[00:32:43] Speaker A: So therefore, ladies, can you make yourself a little more receptive? Open, attractive, feminine, Flirtatious, available, sensual. Can you leave the door open? Can you do more than just bat your eyes or walk by topless on.
[00:33:00] Speaker C: The way to the bathroom, plop down.
[00:33:01] Speaker A: On the couch and put your hand on his leg? These aren't very sexual signs per se. They're not like you're trying hard to do anything. You're trying to get his attention and get him to do something, but just.
[00:33:12] Speaker B: Do a little bit more.
[00:33:14] Speaker A: You don't have to view that as you initiating or you being the dominant one in the relationship. Yes, you might have made the first invitation or demonstration of receptivity, which you often interpret as making the first move to open the door to it. But why can't that be seductive or seduction, or you letting him know that you're available for him to then step in and seduce you?
All right. Concept number six is that inexperienced men often fall into a traditionally feminine or female role. The role of wanting to sit back, relax, and just be taken care of.
[00:33:54] Speaker C: So often, inexperienced men wind up with women who are very industrious, very empowered, very confident. They're bosses in the business world. They make their own money. They have raised themselves sometimes. And these women are used to picking.
[00:34:11] Speaker A: Up the slack, hustling, getting the job done, taking the reins, being in the.
[00:34:16] Speaker C: Masculine role, handling business. I don't think of this as being a woman's role or a man's role, but traditionally it really is. It's a masculine energy that provides, that fixes, that takes care of things, or.
[00:34:31] Speaker A: That realizes, and that no one else.
[00:34:32] Speaker C: Is going to do it, so they better do it. And a lot of women, because of their family situations or how they grew up or having kids early, whatever it is, have had to learn to do this on their own.
This creates a bit of a dominant and strong personality. And when men are already intimidated by women, even sweet, soft, kind, submissive feminine women, a dominant woman or an aggressive one, or assertive one, or someone who has a strong personality is even more intimidating. And so often inexperienced or virginal men wind up with women like this. And because she's used to doing things on her own, she'll often initiate. And then it leaves the man in his feminine energy. So he sits back, he relaxes, he lets her do all the work. He lets her initiate, he lets her take care of it, he lets her clean up, he lets her ride. She's doing all of it. Which once again leads to a woman feeling resentful, frustrated, annoyed that he isn't helping and she'll wind up shutting down sexually. Very few women want their man to be in a feminine or female role. Very few women want their man to just sit there while they do all the work.
In fact, I say very few as a courtesy. But I haven't come across it in my practice. Haven't come across a female who sits down and says, you know, I want.
[00:35:54] Speaker A: To do all the work.
[00:35:54] Speaker C: I want to initiate. I want to handle everything. I'm killing it in the business world and I want to kill it in the bedroom. And he can just lay there and I'll take care of the rest. It doesn't work that way.
[00:36:04] Speaker A: And for the few exceptions that I have seen, and for the few exceptions that I have seen it's usually based in the need to control the outcome and control the situation. So she's being dominant, if you will or wants to have the entire interaction in her control so that she doesn't get hurt or because past experiences have led her to become this way. But it's not someone who she really wants to be. There might be precious exceptions to the rule but I feel pretty safe in.
[00:36:31] Speaker B: Saying this is not what women want.
[00:36:35] Speaker C: Concept number seven is a working theory of mine that women are more sexual than men.
[00:36:41] Speaker A: That despite men's constant obsession with wanting.
[00:36:44] Speaker C: To have sex with women constantly thinking.
[00:36:47] Speaker A: About it and constantly having to pursue women.
[00:36:49] Speaker C: Women with their bodies and their G spots and their clits with 8000 nerve endings and their entire being almost being like a sexual organ.
[00:37:01] Speaker A: I think women feel more, experience more.
[00:37:05] Speaker C: Have the capacity to feel more pleasure.
[00:37:08] Speaker A: Scientifically speaking, by about 4000 more nerve.
[00:37:10] Speaker B: Endings have the ability to feel a.
[00:37:13] Speaker C: More of a range of emotions and you're taking something inside of you. It's such a more intimate experience.
[00:37:19] Speaker B: It's so much more intense.
[00:37:21] Speaker C: I'm not an advocate of watching porn but even if you watch porn and you see the faces and the expressions and yes, some of it is acting.
[00:37:28] Speaker A: But if you watch a really intense moment if you've ever had the opportunity to watch two people having sex who are really into it almost always, the.
[00:37:36] Speaker C: Woman is making sounds, noises, facial expressions, body position.
[00:37:41] Speaker A: Like everything about her is emoting, shaking or trembling in some way.
[00:37:45] Speaker C: Even her body language. Legs open wide on her hands and knees, hanging off of something, riding the top, literally, a man's waist just goes and moves back and forth into whatever unusual and unique position she's in. It doesn't require much from us emotionally. In fact, it often requires a lot more work.
[00:38:07] Speaker A: Men, have you ever tried, if you are heterosexual, have you ever tried putting yourself in some of these traditionally feminine positions, like getting on your hands and knees and arching your back, or burying your head into the pillows, or laying on your back and doing the splits and opening your legs as wide as possible, or having someone press up against you.
There's an intensity there. There's a real energy. It might feel funny to you at first, but to be in that position while receiving pleasure, as opposed to just standing and thrusting, kneeling and thrusting, laying and thrusting, it's just so much more exciting. But a woman's capacity to feel and.
[00:38:45] Speaker C: Come and to enjoy and relish sex.
[00:38:47] Speaker A: To me, connotates that the evidence that women are more sexual than men and receive more sexual gratification than men is incontrovertible.
And that's why I say it's kind.
[00:38:59] Speaker C: Of a shame that more women are not willing to show their man, guide their man, explore with their man, or make it a game to help navigate your terrain, to help figure you out so that it's easier for you all.
[00:39:12] Speaker A: To have a connected experience workshopping something in the bedroom, which I strongly recommend doing. And regularly doing does not have to.
[00:39:20] Speaker C: Mean forever or every time you have.
[00:39:23] Speaker A: Sex, or it always is going to.
[00:39:24] Speaker C: Kill the moment, or that you never get good chemistry or a hot moment going because it's always lost with explaining something. You do this for a time, you build it up.
[00:39:36] Speaker A: You strengthen your partnership in the bedroom by practicing so that your experiences can be better and hotter when they're more spontaneous.
[00:39:47] Speaker C: All right, let's wind it down here for now.
[00:39:49] Speaker A: There's always a lot more we can say on this subject, but I think these are a really good handful of core tips for men and women to.
[00:39:57] Speaker C: Be mindful of when you're with an inexperienced man.
[00:40:01] Speaker A: And men finally, just remember, as long as you have your partner's consent, if they've told you things like, you can do anything you want to me, or you can really initiate any time, or I want you to be more aggressive, or I want you to initiate sex more, or I want you to be the man. This means that barring really traumatic experiences or being in Cris or being in physical pain or maybe on her period, that you can try and try and try and do and do and be. You can be more assertive, you can move in on her, you can give her love and kisses, you can try something a little more assertive, but do it with intention, with a slower speed than you might normally move, with eye contact, with love and presence, and you're likely going to see good results.
And then as a final tip for women listening, it's about being receptive and being open. It's about reprogramming your mind and not thinking or worrying about rejection, but leaving the door open, doing more than just a glance or look giving of yourself and making yourself be a little more sexually available. So he understands, ah, I can't fail now and then. He can take charge from there. You got to understand that no one wants to have sex with an angry person or a shutdown person or a bitter person. And that even if you're right to feel the things that you are, you've got to get yourself into a better feeling mental state if you want great sex to ensue.
And I think that's a wrap. Thank you so much for listening and for your patronage. My name is Tari. This podcast is called Closeness and you can listen to it everywhere. Podcasts can be found. YouTube, Google, Stitcher, Spotify, Deezer, iHeart. If you like what we shared here and you want to come in for some in person coaching in San Diego, my website is getcloseness.com. Of course, virtual sessions are available for everyone else in the world. The new Instagram is crave closeness or elegant acro if you'd like to see a more acrobatic side of life. Thank you for listening and I'll see you in the next episode.
