Speaker 0 00:00:00 Welcome to the closeness podcast, your new sexual education. We take complex intimate subjects and unravel them in a way that you can actually do something with my name is Tara. I'm your host. And this is the episode on what it means. When a woman tells you she needs some space. How many times? And in how many ways have you heard these expressions? I just need to work on me right now. I need a little space for myself. I don't know what I want. It's not you it's me. I need some space. I need some distance. I need to clear my head. Let me have some space. Whether you're hearing that for the first time or it's something you've heard before, these words can be terrifying over the countless years of dating, coaching and advising couples of what to do when they hear the magic words, I need some space.
Speaker 0 00:00:43 I've learned a few things. The primary of which being, nobody seems to know how to use the sentence correctly much. Like when you're going through a breakup, which we talked about in the last three episodes, telling someone out of the blue that you need space and then vanishing for an indeterminate amount of time is very much like a severing. And it feels very much like a breakup. It's usually an abrupt and sudden surprise that takes the person, hearing it almost entirely off guard. And the result of that is it sends a person hearing it reeling, freaking out and often getting sucked back into the relationship when the other person is actually asking for distance. So even though we live in a very strange time right now, where everybody thinks they can say and do whatever they want without it affecting anyone else, because they have total autonomy and free agency.
Speaker 0 00:01:29 There are in fact, some moral rules to follow asking for space is a tool. It's not just another sentence. It actually has a lot of power behind it. And sometimes if not most times it has the complete opposite effect on the person who it's being used on. And that's exactly what we're going to talk about. Now. I hold strong to the opinion that no one should really have the right to turn their partner's life upside down, simply because you've decided without giving any kind of prior warning or terms of how it's going to look or work, that you need to take some space. And if you've had any experience with relationships before you know that when someone says they need space, they want the person who they tell this to, to effectively vanish off the face of the earth. They want to be left alone.
Speaker 0 00:02:16 They don't want to be called texted or bothered indefinitely. And the person on the receiving end is supposed to magically be able to abide by and cope with this. Even though for most people hearing it, it feels like it comes out of nowhere. So according to our new society today, this is how it's theoretically supposed to look. You have a little discussion or a TIFF or an argument with someone and they hit you with the words. I need some space, regardless of your status, whether you just met them, you've been dating them for many years or they're your husband or wife you're supposed to instantly respond. You're apparently supposed to vanish without asking any further questions without bothering the person, telling this to you. And you're supposed to be at total peace with this until they decide to come back. But what's missing wow, how long this is supposed to go on for maybe what the terms are.
Speaker 0 00:03:07 You're left not knowing exactly what you should or should not do in terms of texting, calling, following up. Is this a breakup? Are you staying together? What's really happening here. And the reason why this functions so poorly is because the person who is receiving this news generally doesn't want to rock the boat. They don't want to get in trouble with their partner or feel like they're in more trouble. They most likely at this point feel like they can't speak up. They don't want to offend them or hurt them or make it worse. And especially if they're in a position of having less power, they're often left thinking, well, I don't want to lose this person. So I better just give them whatever they want. The other interesting thing that we'll talk more about later is that asking very simple, basic primary important questions. Like what exactly do you need or for how long, or can I call you almost always results in the person pushing even farther away from you.
Speaker 0 00:03:55 And on top of that, having them judge you as being needy, insecure, pushy, and not honoring the other person's boundary. Now, as you've heard countless times in other episodes and everywhere else on the planet, of course no means no. And if your partner needs you to step away from them, for instance, because they feel physically threatened or unsafe or scared about something, that's something you should do. But when someone tells you in the middle of an argument or a discussion, or even out of the blue and nothing is particularly wrong, that they need to take some space to figure things out and they leave you feeling very uncomfortable in total silence without letting you know what's going on. And they can't seem to find the words to express anything, to communicate properly with you. That's when it's a problem, whether you're in a relationship with someone who you care very deeply about, or don't care very deeply about there's a moral obligation to do good by this person.
Speaker 0 00:04:49 And I think in today's day and age, that's hard for people to hear what is a moral obligation mean? It pretty much means you should do it. You ought to do it, your bound to do it. If you want to be a participating member of society, or you want to have healthy relationships with someone, this is one of the things that you need to do. It might be true that you're fed up. You've had it or something dramatically needs to change between you two, but giving your partners something they can understand and sink their teeth in to rather than just declaring a sentence and vanishing is going to go miles to keep your relationship happy and healthy. Let's look then at a few things that we can call malignant phrases, things that people say to selfishly suck all the power to themselves, leaving both partners, completely helpless in the actual relationship.
Speaker 0 00:05:40 Often these statements will sabotage the relationship as opposed to using direct, clear communication. These are phrases that we use when we don't want to move forward. We are stuck in indecision, or we feel like we don't theoretically want to hurt our partner's feelings. Such phrases sound a little something like I just need some space right now. You need to give me some space. I need to take some space from this relationship. I really need some time to process all of this. I'm working on it and I've been working on it for months or years. I just need some time to figure out me. I need to put my focus back on me. I need to figure out what I want. I don't know what I want right now. It isn't, you it's me. I need some time. I need some space. I need some room to think, but before we can talk about what all this means, we need to get very clear on what kind of space we're talking about here.
Speaker 0 00:06:27 It's one thing. If you have a mild disagreement, a little argument, someone hasn't been outside all day. And so they need a little actual space to clear their head. That's perfectly fine. Of course. And if we're talking about short-term space like minutes, hours, or even the rest of the day, one of the best strategies I can offer you is to put a time constraint on it and then follow through by sticking to that timeline. In fact, the person asking for space can say, give me a half an hour, give me a few hours and let's check in or give me a few hours and I'll text you or call you. Let me touch base at five so that your partner isn't left. Wondering what is going on? Is this relationship ending? Are we never talking again? Are you just upsetting? You need to clear your head by giving a time constraint and then following through on it, which is actually the most important part, as well as being sweet or friendly.
Speaker 0 00:07:19 If your partner checks in on you within the required time commitment, you're actually allowing your partner to breathe, catch their breath and know what's going on. And you're also setting your relationship up for success and not failure. And remember, there's a big difference between needing a few moments to yourself and something where you're reevaluating the entire relationship. Now here's the beauty of this very simple technique. You can always ask for more time. If you need it, you could say, no, I'm not ready to talk yet. You could suggest another few hours of space. You can tell your partner, you want to talk later tonight. You want to talk tomorrow morning or that you want to sleep on it. But the point being you're communicating, you're expressing how you feel. You're letting them know what you need and you're giving them something to hold on to.
Speaker 0 00:08:02 So they know when they can talk to you next. And if you really want to be amazing, unless you feel like you were really slighted or hurt, or you really are owed an apology. In which case you should communicate that to your partner, you could be the one as the person who asked for more space to reach out to them in the morning and say, hi, I'm doing much better. Or I love to talk to you or I do really miss you and I'm hurting about this, but I still think I need a little more time to process this. Isn't something that should go on indefinitely day after day or week after week. It's just something to give you the space that you need without destroying your relationship in the process. Now, if we're talking about taking space for days, weeks on end or even a month, then we have to acknowledge that there's something very seriously wrong with the relationship.
Speaker 0 00:08:49 Imagine being with someone who you talk to every day, someone says to you that they need space and they don't you for how long they don't give you any details. If it feels like the more you ask, the more upset they get, the more they react as though you're pushing against them. If you begin to feel that checking in or making sure they're okay, or making sure that the relationship is okay, is actually causing tension. Something is seriously wrong. And I'm going to make a very bold statement often. And in my opinion, it's not so much that your partner actually needs days, weeks, or months away from you, even if that would be helpful in the short term, it's that your partner is likely to be for all intents and purposes done with the relationship. And that's really key to here. Of course, course there are going to be exceptions.
Speaker 0 00:09:34 And of course there's nothing like a good couple days away to hit the reset button. I'm sure there are some stories out there about a woman who took 10 days of space without a single word to her partner, King back. They fell madly in love and lived happily ever after. Maybe I also understand that it takes time for especially women to process things. That's a very female thing to say. I need time to process this and see how I'm feeling about it. And I can also acknowledge that someone may just need to leave the fight or argument for a moment it's too hot. You have to walk out of the room, you have to get some fresh air. You have to excuse yourself for a moment. So you take some space minutes, hours as we were talking about earlier. And then you come back to it also wonderful.
Speaker 0 00:10:15 All of that being said, if you find yourself with someone who vanishes, who tells you that they need several days of space, but they use this space to do things that would really not work well for you in a committed, monogamous relationship, or if they get more and more irritable, as you try to figure out what the terms and conditions of taking space actually means for you both. Then I would recommend you begin to prepare yourself for this relationship to come to a screeching halt, because what's likely happening is your partner is looking for an exit strategy. And this is the way that they're using to communicate that to you. If that feels a little off to you, it feels strange. If you don't believe it, I'll continue to invite you throughout this episode to ponder. If you have ever come across someone in your own life or someone else's, who has taken space without giving any more details than just needing to take space for several days or weeks, and then suddenly comes back and the whole relationship just fell back into place perfectly.
Speaker 0 00:11:12 And that means there's no resentment on the part of the person who was told that they need space, the power balanced in shift dramatically and not in anyone's favor. Think for a moment if that's ever occurred for you in your own life or in anyone else's life now, is it always going to play out this way with a breakup? No. Is that a hard and fast rule that's guaranteed to happen this way? No. In fact, I often have a dear friend who regularly needs and take space and they always come back in the end. So to be extra clear, when someone takes space for a few minutes, an hour an evening, the next day, that's actually a good thing. I'm definitely not advising you to jump ship and think that the relationship is over. But my friends, when you hear that ultimatum additional explanation, I need to take some space.
Speaker 0 00:11:56 Give me some space right now. I have no idea how long I'm going to need space for. How could I possibly know? I'm so annoyed. Don't ask me any more questions it's bothering me. I can't think I can't answer. I can't talk. I can't communicate. I just need some space. Leave me alone until further notice. This is bad news. My friends, bad, bad news. This seems to be all unconscious, but the way people handle needing space seems like it's a good idea because maybe you've been fighting or maybe there's been a problem. And you want to take a little time to settle it. And it makes you think that they want to salvage this relationship. This idea of taking some space and then coming back together to be even stronger than before. But the way many people will let it play out is actually astoundingly poor.
Speaker 0 00:12:36 It's one sided and selfish. So they'll never say things like, I love you so much. I want us to work, but this is really stressing me out right now. Or, you know, I don't talk things out. I never talk things out. My default strategy is to run away. I just like to close down and disappear. I don't really do these conversations that help you understand what I might be feeling or help me understand what you might be feeling. I just like to vanish or I'm avoidant or I'm so mentally disturbed that I'm going to go drink. Do lots of drugs, have sex with different people, but I'm going to wrap that whole toxic thing up into this thing that I'm actually gonna hang on you by telling you, I need to take some space. I need some space from you right now in the mind of the person who's saying that sentence, the one who's wound up, who's probably feeling very emotional and irrational right now.
Speaker 0 00:13:23 They believe that you're supposed to hear these words. I need space and magically know every detail of what that means. In fact, you're even supposed to know exactly what your partner needs, even if they themselves don't know exactly what they want. And what are you supposed to know to do vanish of course disappear. Be completely okay with whatever your partner may or may not ask of you no matter what it is. And no matter how long they may take before responding to you ever again, of course, you'll also need to be 100% comfortable with blackout communication, zero contact whatsoever, regardless of what family situation you may have going on or appointments, you may have together or special events. And they're not going to tell you how it's all going to go down and whether or not it's okay for you to call or text. And they also don't have any care or consideration for your feelings because they're so heavily invested in their own.
Speaker 0 00:14:12 Interestingly, there are all number of articles and videos posted all over the internet about what it means when a woman needs space, as one woman put it on her YouTube channel. So intelligently, when a woman says she needs space, it means she needs space. So let's just get that out of the way. She then goes on to say that one reason could be that she's testing you to see if she values your presence in her life. Every author in YouTube has a different idea. Some people say women do it because you're crowding her. You're too needy. You're too insecure. You're spending too much time together. Some will say it's because she's feeling pressure to get into a relationship and doesn't want that yet. Some will say it's because she doesn't actually like you. Other theories put forth that if a woman needs space, it's time to cut contact completely and focus on yourself because a lot of women take pleasure in manipulating men.
Speaker 0 00:14:56 Other reasons included they're not addicted to you are not addicted to your presence. And this is seen as a good thing. If a woman is addicted, perhaps you're too available, too clingy, too nice. Maybe she's bored. Maybe she doesn't know how to say goodbye. Maybe it's her way of weaning herself off the relationship. Maybe she only wants a physical connection. Maybe she just wants to be friends and maybe she actually just wants space. Maybe you've noticed before she needs space that she gets cranky or starts arguments for no reason. Whatever the reason may be for me, this is often the beginning of the end. And that's true because it's very difficult for men to change their behavior in the middle of a crisis. And you had better believe that someone telling you that they need space in the middle of your happy relationship is definitely going to send you into crisis mode.
Speaker 0 00:15:40 Inevitably, you'll become more reactionary, more needy, more clingy than ever before. And sometimes you won't even be able to help it because this is the vacuum that's created. When someone pulls back so hard and you're not expecting it in my personal coaching experience, I've never seen a couple come back together. After one of the partners has taken gratuitous amounts of space without saying anything. And then is suddenly welcomed back to the relationship as though everything was just fine so that they can live happily never after. So I'm sure many of you are asking yourself at this point. Yeah. But if I was going to try to save it or I did want to make it work, or I wanted there to be a chance, what could I do? And I'm happy to share some of those things here at the front end of the episode of it very much involves creating polarity or tapping into very masculine and feminine archetypes.
Speaker 0 00:16:29 If you think you've got it in you to step into something like that, here are a few of my thoughts for the next 15 minutes. Let's start by talking for a moment about apologizing. I actually think it's very appropriate for a man to apologize to a woman or a woman who apologized to a man specifically when you've acted out of integrity or you've done something wrong that you see and believe to be wrong. Owning something is a beautiful thing. Maybe you've done or said something really hurtful to the other person, or you really didn't mean to do it, but it really came across in a negative way. A singular succinct apology expressing your authentic and sincere remorse for something is very powerful and effective. However, constantly apologizing about something that you may have done wrong, or you don't even think you've done wrong apologizing for your behavior, apologizing for liking her or calling too much regularly using the words.
Speaker 0 00:17:24 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Is going to put you in deeper water. Don't apologize for your needy behavior. Recognize it and stop it or change it. If you find that you're still pursuing her 50, 60, 70% of the time, that's going to backfire on you. And especially if you're in a precarious situation where she has already pulled back from you, even if it seems logical to pursue and chase and show her how much you care, this is actually the wrong answer. It's really not necessary to pursue her more than if you've got to put a number on it, 20, 25, 30%, because doing any more than this is going to Telegraph that you're needy. Now I have to be careful talking to men because they're so literal. Often as men, we take advice to the extreme level. This doesn't mean that for every five of her texts, you can only respond once or you have to wait five times for her to call you before you call back once no sort of a general idea of how to handle yourself and women may not like hearing this women may think, Oh no, I want someone to pursue me.
Speaker 0 00:18:26 I want to feel wanted and chased. But in this position where you're already pulling back, it's way too much often you'll hear me refer to women as being cat-like or as though they behave like cats. It's actually a shame of majority of people are dog people, because you can learn so much about female behavior from cats. When you run towards a cat, it runs away from you. When you keep trying to give it attention, it's not having it unless of course it's my cat. But when you try to pet almost any wild animal or a cat, you reach out they're nowhere to be found. But what happens when you magically
Speaker 1 00:19:00 Withdraw, pull back,
Speaker 0 00:19:02 Ignore them, take your attention off of them. Guess who comes around purring and rubbing and wanting to play. So copying her behavior though, or acting and behaving in a way that a woman would behave. This is something different things like trying to prove herself to you or show that she's worth it or do anything it takes to keep you or beg you to come back or plead and call relentlessly or constantly text message. All of this effectively female behavior is going to annoy her and drive her up a smooth wall. Oftentimes women come from dysfunctional relationships or their previous relationship was dysfunctional where they got used to a certain level of abuse or trauma or aggression or anger
Speaker 1 00:19:48 Or lack of caring.
Speaker 0 00:19:50 And sadly, shockingly horribly. When Mr. Wright comes around and wants to respect her and treat her great and love her and be super kind to her. She's not always going to be immediately amiable to that. It's going to feel wrong
Speaker 1 00:20:04 Off awkward,
Speaker 0 00:20:05 Or like too much, or make her feel uncomfortable. And that can often make her push back. And I do need to add here and probably will add again that yes, there are different types of women in the world and not everyone responds this way. There are very good kind, sweet, loving, empathetic women, women who have time for you, the kind of woman that can be patient when something goes wrong and they don't want you to pull back. They don't want you to only talk to them. They respond to sweetness and following up and checking in on them and making sure they're okay, this doesn't happen very often, but they do exist. But even these amazing, wonderful, kind sweet patient women, when they actually space or they hit a level that they can't handle anymore, or you've hit a wall with them, they too are going to, you might say, tap into their nature and need you to be a little more masculine for things to work.
Speaker 0 00:21:00 Sometimes a woman is giving space to see if things will change for her. It's a very weird thing. I'm going to not talk to you and ignore you and push you away and avoid you to see if I start liking you again. And what do you suppose would interfere with it? This unusual test? Well, calling her, chasing her, pursuing her, seeing if everything is okay, making sure all as well, pulling out the cake before it's ready is going to change that dynamic a lot. And it's not going to be in your favor. You might hear your woman say something like I want a guy who's like you or who acts like you or who treats me this way. But I don't know if I'm ready for that right now. Yes. And that's because she's not most likely because your giving too much too soon and it's freaking her out or it's making her feel like she's losing her freedom.
Speaker 0 00:21:48 So you've heard many versions of this. It's like planting a tree and then constantly digging up the seeds to see if it started to grow yet. It's like baking cupcakes, opening the oven and watching the whole thing collapsed as the heat. And the passion goes right, the oven or right out of her oven. Things that take time to grow bake or bloom, including a woman's heart and also her sexuality. You don't check on them every five minutes to see if it's done yet or to see if it's ready. You don't want to constantly feel like you're checking in with women to see. Now, can we get in a committed, monogamous relationship? Don't you see that? I love you. Are you sure you're not ready to come back yet? Is everything okay? These are things want to avoid. So you can think of the woman telling you that she needs space as her saying, let me come back to you playing her own game of cat and mouse where believe it or not your, the mouse and she's the cat.
Speaker 0 00:22:39 Probably you've heard the expression before. Let her miss you, or let me miss you. The idea of this is annoying as hell because you have no idea how long it's going to take. And it's almost always going to take five to 10 times longer than your ready or prepared to give. And that's why I say these relationships are often ready to come to an end because she might need 10 days. And on day two or three, you are burning up. We're going to talk about that later. You might have gone from hopeful and kind and sure, take some space to frustrated, angry, pissed off to what the hell is going on. And then the whole thing blows up on day 10. And she's just about ready to come back ground. So slow down, back up. They assume that she wants you and loves you. That's a great mindset to have.
Speaker 0 00:23:24 Cause there are only two choices assume she doesn't want you, which is only going to bring you negative results or assume that she does. And if she doesn't, you can deal with the disappointment, but you didn't miss out on an opportunity to be with the person who you care for being your own man, having your life together, doing your own things successfully and not just distracting yourself, cigarettes, drugs, or alcohol, believe it or not. Women do not want to hear that. You're nothing without them. They don't want to hear that. You're incomplete. Even though Tom cruise telling Renee Zellweger that she completes him will still make you her. And I cried to this day. It's a really beautiful idea, but it's something that a woman might say. And again, some of these things can be really beautiful with the right woman at the right time when things are going really well.
Speaker 0 00:24:08 What a beautiful thing to say to someone when you're celebrating an anniversary and she's looking at you with so much love in your eyes, you complete me. Wow, amazing. But now certainly would not be the time. So women don't want to feel smothered, chased or pursued. When they're asking for space, you don't want to ask questions. Like where do we stand? Where is this going? What are we, are we still together? Are you still my girlfriend? And I know that's hard to do, but these questions often make women feel like she's losing her freedom. And until it becomes her idea to be with you, it's actually pushing her away from you. Now you heard me say previously, and for a good portion of the episode going forward, we're going to talk about what healthy communication looks like when you actually need to take space. We've talked about how it actually is a good idea to set a time constraint or give a time boundary or to say, Hey, let's talk in a few hours or a little bit later, but that's different than coming from a needy place and trying to figure out what is this?
Speaker 0 00:25:09 Where are we going? What's happening to the relationship. Unfortunately for men, when women behave this way, it really is a test of your character as a man to see if you can endure. And it shouldn't be this way. It doesn't have to be this way. It would be so nice if she just followed up with a response by saying, Hey, just want to make sure you're okay or let you know, I'm thinking about you. But these are the times where you go through the fire. As much as you love the security of being able to call her, having her call you in this time, this is very unattractive to women. Why is it an attractive? Because in my opinion, women often think this way themselves. And they don't like how insecure they feel when they asked that question. So they want their man to be extra stable, to be certain, to be decisive, to be secure, generally speaking, and as much as we hate it and why I disagree with some feminist beliefs these days is because when it comes down to it, a feminine woman wants a man who is masculine, not feminine, even though an InTouch man can be beautiful and a sensitive man can be great.
Speaker 0 00:26:11 And women do appreciate these qualities when things are going well. But when things get rough, a woman is looking for that masculinity on a day-to-day basis. I actually work with more beta men, gentle men, soft and kind men or men who are actually revered by their women for being different and not embodying this masculine archetype. I know there are women out there who love this sort of thing. In fact, some women purposely chose to marry men like this, which I often find is because the women are more masculine or they embody more masculine qualities. And so they pick softer more gentler or beta men. And I know it can sound very intimidating for a lot of men to hear that women are looking for these qualities, even unconsciously or instinctively, they're responding to something that has masculine energy, where it's very, very hard to become something that you're not, or you don't value, or you don't see the payout for, or you've just never been that way.
Speaker 0 00:27:13 But keep in mind, she can continue to celebrate these qualities in you. You can continue to have a great relationship, but when there's tension, trauma, drama, distance, and space, you're going to be better suited, stepping into something a little more masculine. All right, moving on a little bit. Even if you're spending so much time together, because you're both in love with one another, you can't get enough. You want to spend every waking minute together. So you're seeing each other four or five, six, seven days a week. This can actually be an issue. If you're noticing things, get a little tense or annoying or irritable for her spending less time together can be a plus. Even if it seems like everything is going right, closeness. It's the name of my company. I tell my clients all the time. I want you to, to be closer. And closeness is a beautiful thing, but too much of it is smothering too much.
Speaker 0 00:28:03 Closeness puts out the fire of attraction. You've probably heard it before, but give your woman a chance to miss you. When a woman wants space and you give her all the space in the universe, even though that might Telegraph and seem like you're not interested. When you just go on with your life. When you spend time with other people, it makes them curious. Curiosity killed the cat. And a little curiosity can very quickly turn into a very big attraction. You want it to occur to her that she doesn't want to take too long of a break because she might risk losing you. Not you constantly obsessing about not losing her. So you need to close the gap. What do many women do when they need to take space? Oftentimes several things that you'll hear me talk about later that you and I both may find to be totally inappropriate.
Speaker 0 00:28:50 They go out party drink and they try to prove to themselves that they're happy and show themselves. See, I don't need this guy or at least make it look that way. But when you do the same thing, when you successfully demonstrate that you actually are okay as an independent man without your woman and you give her time to wonder what you're doing and you give her time to cool down, she'll start to think about these qualities. And hopefully she'll begin to miss you. If this is in fact, something that she wants to pursue. If there actually was something there. If her asking for space is not a disguise for a breakup, a man on the other hand, who continuously tries to prove himself to women or chase them is just not a good fit. This might be what you see in Hollywood. These days, you might see a man having to prove his worth and constantly pursue her.
Speaker 0 00:29:38 And then she magically falls in love with him. But when it comes to dating and sexual and relationship dynamics, this is often not what happens. Lastly, when she says those faded words, I'll call you later. Let me call you back. Let's talk soon or I'll call you right back. And you're thinking it's going to be five minutes. And you're waiting for that call because your relationship feels like it just got swept out from underneath you and you start to feel ill and you quadruple that. And then maybe it's been an hour and she still hasn't called and you are just dying to call. It would be so easy. What could she possibly be doing? She said, she'd call me back. What's going on? It's almost sadly. And very, depressingly not only never going to work and cause her to feel less attraction to you if you call her back yourself.
Speaker 0 00:30:25 But she is almost never going to call back in the moments when you need it. Most the hardest part about this. And once again, why I feel that a woman taking space is never a healthy idea for the relationship. If it's long-term because her idea of space is almost totally unknown to her herself, she can't even quantify it or really tell you more about it. She doesn't know the parameters. She doesn't know how much space she needs. She doesn't know how she's going to feel before, during or after. It's going to be an impossible ask and friends. The amount of space that she needs is almost always going to be 10 times longer than what you're prepared to give and remain emotionally stable for. But when she begins to initiate contact with you after taking space, she sees you as being less available and it creates a connection.
Speaker 0 00:31:16 Now does a lot of this feel like game playing to a lot of people. Hell yeah. It feels very theatrical. Hell yeah. It feels like you're playing a game or you're trying to behave in a way that is fundamentally not you, but that's why we're laying it all out here in the beginning. These are the kinds of things it would take to begin to salvage your relationship. But already, if this feels like game playing to you, she's already got the power. If this feels like a charade that you have to keep up or you have to constantly play to make sure she doesn't catch on and lose attraction for you, it might as well already be over because this is something you're going to have to do for a good majority of the relationship. It's part of the reason perhaps that she got pushed away to begin with.
Speaker 0 00:32:01 So taking space can actually be a very vicious game. And now I'm going to spend the rest of the episode, talking about everything else, all the juicy details, all the psychology surrounding this, other than how to save it or how to salvage the relationship. So I hope the previous chapter gave you what you need to find your confidence in your footing. Again, the reason why taking space is so dangerous is because no one uses this phrase correctly. No one uses it in a way that lays down real understanding and no one lays down any terms and conditions or rules for how this should look for their partner. Most people just blurred out in exasperations. I need to take some space or I need space and then vanish for God knows how long. And this creates a vacuum that instantly transforms almost anyone, man, woman or child into a very, very needy person.
Speaker 0 00:32:59 Let me say that a little differently. If you tell someone that you need space and you just vanish and don't talk about it, you are creating a vacuum that sucks your partner towards you in a way that is almost out of their control and will inevitably make you see them sometimes permanently as being very, very needy, which will then most likely make you want to break up with them, whether that was your intention or not much to your detriment. So you are in essence, creating the end of your relationship simply by laying this on someone and not talking about it further and then getting irritated. If they want to understand what this actually means for you. So the missing piece, the reason this addictive vacuum happens is because the person who's being told that they need space. Doesn't know what happens next and cannot read your mind and doesn't know what your thinking.
Speaker 0 00:33:51 In fact, most likely you don't even know what you're thinking. And beyond that, if you're the one taking space, do you even care about your partner in that moment? Do their feelings even matter? Does the person who needs space feel so wound up and so worked up that they don't even care anymore? So yeah, I go against the grain. When I say, even though as a human being, you are a free agent and you have agency and yes, you can technically do whatever you want in your life. You cannot really just take what you want when you need it in a relationship because you're going to hurt the other person. And if you care about their relationship, you should know, you're probably going to lose trust and respect. You might respect the person less after you take space and the other person will likely trust you less.
Speaker 0 00:34:35 You cannot vanish. And then come back to your partner after harming them deeply and think that everything is going to be perfectly fine. So once someone declares that they need space, do the feelings of their partner. Even matter if we're talking about male, female dynamics, often things get slanted in the woman's favor and the ugly truth of it all is if you asked her flat out, of course she might say, yes, I love him. Yes. I like him. Yes. I care about him. But the only thing that matters in the moment are her selfish feelings. There's also a little bit of an equity. If we look closer as to how these things play out with men and women. So if you imagine for a moment that a female partner says to her, man, I can't do this anymore. I need to take some space instantly.
Speaker 0 00:35:19 The peanut gallery, the universe at large, anybody listening to these words, including her things and would likely say to you, you better leave this girl alone. Step back. Don't bother her. It's the kind of thing where if someone heard a woman say that publicly, most bros would want to jump in and say, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, you heard the girl. She told you to give her some space. Now back up the man hearing this sticks around and keeps in the eyes of others bothering her. Even though he might just be asking for some clarification on the statement, it almost appears and looks like harassment. When we imagine that a woman says, leave me alone, or I need space, or I have to go, or I can't do this right now. And anyone does anything other than vanish and immediately run away. Something seems wrong. That's how society perceives it.
Speaker 0 00:36:03 But if you've ever been in this situation or been in a relationship where you've had a disagreement, you know, if you love each other or you know how they can get, or you know that someone could get a little emotional or carried away or you know their tone, maybe you want to seek understanding. You probably want to get some clarification. Are you allowed to find out what's going on or to talk to your partner or wife or girlfriend? Are you just feeling emotional? Is this an all day thing? Is this a breakup what's happening here? What's going on? And that is a very pivotal moment. The person who declares that they need space right then and there before things blow up or someone disappears or someone leaves the room. That's often the only moment you have to figure out what's going on, unless you know your partner well enough to say, okay, they just need to cool off.
Speaker 0 00:36:50 We back up for 10 or 15 minutes. We come back and everything's fine. But it's really important to know that if a woman gets emotional, if something is perceived as bothering her or she gets annoyed and you're in a public place, this is always perceived as the man doing something wrong and continuing to push as it would be perceived as, or ask or linger or stick around or do anything other than backing up and getting away seems invasive. But the truth of the matter is no one knows why she said that no one knows what happened beforehand. Or if she's being dramatic or exaggerating, he might've said, no, we can't go shopping anymore. Or I'm not going to buy you that purse. Or I feel like I want to go home. I'm tired. But in the eyes of society, an alarming response from email looks off, man, on the other hand publicly says, babe, leave me alone.
Speaker 0 00:37:43 I need some space, please back up for a few minutes. You're being too needy or you're being too clingy. Please get off of me this, for some reason, doesn't bother society nearly as much on top of all that. If she decides to be cute about it, or be pouty or flirty or playful or naggy or hang on him or not let go, or even if she continues to annoy him, pester him, bother him or push with words, with touch and with actions. For whatever reason, society overlooks this, it gets ignored or people think it's funny or amusing. Imagine a man who's never met a woman before walks over to her while she's in line or grabbing some lunch. And he plucks her sunglasses off of her face and tries them on himself and tries to be cute about it. What goes through your mind? Is this rude, unacceptable?
Speaker 0 00:38:34 Is he stealing? He's putting his hands all over them. What is he thinking? If a woman, especially in attractive woman comes over to a man and takes the sunglasses off of his face and plays with them, tries them on herself, looks cute in them and is playful magically. This seems safe and okay. What's even more interesting is this fact will also get overlooked sexually. So in a way, and bags pushes pleads demands asks constantly for sex or does it ever want to take no for an answer and continues to demand it or act super feminine and girly and cute and sweet in attempt to convince the man to surrender his boundary and ask him to force him to or convince him to, or coerce him to do something that he doesn't want to do. Somehow this doesn't seem to feel as offensive or wrong does it.
Speaker 0 00:39:30 So these are some of the things that we want to keep in mind when it comes to male, female dynamics, it often is not fair on either side. We are in fact made differently and no matter how much we may want things to be equal in certain circumstances, socially, biologically, physically, emotionally, we just aren't. So this is why it's so important to learn about polarity and attraction and to learn what makes the other person respond to you. Okay. So then how do you actually properly convey to your partner that you need to take some space? How do you ask for it? Suggest it or simply say that you need it. Well, as you know, my number one favorite way to do this is to share a time period, a quantity of time that you think you'll need before. You're ready to talk to your partner again, especially if this is something small and all you have to do to do it is let your partner know when you need some space that you're also willing to give them a time where they can expect to hear back from you.
Speaker 0 00:40:27 Is it a couple hours? Is it whole day? Do you need a few days, however long it is. If they have an idea of what that is and you follow through with that, and both of you follow through with that, you will completely disarm your partner. The second part of the advice is that inevitably, and very often with women, they say, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what that's going to be. I can't think right now, I don't know how much space I'm going to need. How can I answer this? So you just exaggerate slightly. If you think you need a few minutes, ask for 30, if you think you need an hour, take two or three or suggest a quantity a time where you feel comfortable texting the person to let them know things are still okay.
Speaker 0 00:41:07 Or you're still working things out. You communicate, you express terms and boundaries so that your partner can respond in kind. And yes that's, even if you don't know what that perfect amount of time will be, it's going to hurt the relationship so much less for you to be a little InTouch. One little phone call can go so far to salvage or save your relationship. Now contrast that with a scenario, a person says they need space. They vanished. We have no idea how long they're gone for instantly worry sets in with the other partner that something's wrong. They're not okay. The relationship is over this inescapable paranoia comes over your partner. So there's nothing wrong with taking a little bit of space and doing so by communicating a timeline of when you're probably going to get back in touch and then following through with it and taking a little extra for yourself. If you don't know what you need, this will solve so much for you. If on the other hand, you're one of those people who waits a week or a month and then sends a message like, Hey, or thinking about you. You're going to get on your partner's shit list real quick. You're also going to cause confusion in them. Frustration, sometimes hostility, all of the very things that you want to avoid to begin with. When you take some space,
Speaker 0 00:42:25 What does actually asking for space in a healthy relationship? Sound like it might look something like
Speaker 1 00:42:33 Honey, sweetie, baby doll. Karen. Chad,
Speaker 0 00:42:37 Can you give me five or 10 minutes of space? I just need a few moments to clear my head. Could you give me a little breathing room for an hour? I don't want to say something that I may wind up regretting my love. I don't like where this is going with us. I think I just need to take a day to myself, to calm down and reset from everything so that I could come back and be a better person. Do we actually want to be doing this right now? Why don't we take a little space from each other for a moment? Nothing is wrong. We're not breaking up. This isn't a crisis. It's not an emergency, but let's come back to this in a little bit. How much time do you need? Let's come back to this in the morning when we're both fresh and we can talk about it again with clear heads.
Speaker 0 00:43:15 I want to work on this a lot, but we're both too wound up right now to talk about it. Let's take a little space for the rest of the afternoon and let it be. I was going to tell you that I think I need to take some space, but what I really want to say is I want out of this relationship, or I want to break up with you. I couldn't do it because of how I was brought up and how I thought I should be as a person or a man or a woman. But I actually just want to speak directly to you and say, I don't want to be in this anymore. Let's just let whatever this is. Go for a minute and come back to it later. Our relationship is worth more than that. I want to work through this with you.
Speaker 0 00:43:49 I love you. I care about you. I want this to work, but I think I need to take just a day or two, or we need to take a day or two to ourselves to figure things out. Let's take a couple of days where we get a little space and we work on ourselves and we figure things out and then come back and talk about where we want to go next with this subject. Let's take this space, but let's talk about what rules there are. First, for instance, I'm not going to go out and look for another girl to have sex with while I'm taking space. It's not about ending the relationship, but let's take some breathing room to maybe journal or breathe or write or go for a walk and really figure out what we want to do with this issue. Let's check back in with each other via text in a few minutes or a few hours, or let's call each other, or I will FaceTime you tonight by eight to let you know I'm doing okay, but I just need a little time to myself. So you get the idea of friends, anything that might give your partner a little bit of understanding and help them know what's going on with you. These are just a handful of examples. What matters? Your tone, your sincerity, your presence, the fact that you actually want to work it out.
Speaker 0 00:44:57 And now here's some things to not do in this situation. Here are the things to avoid. When you need to let someone know that you need to take some,
Speaker 1 00:45:05 You say a few words and nothing else. I need some time
Speaker 0 00:45:09 <inaudible> and then you back out Egypt or vanish off the face of the earth without contacting your partner ever again for several days, weeks, or months. And whether you say all of that or not, here's, what's implied. When you pull a stunt like this, this is what you are communicating to your partner. With those few words, don't call me, text me, or email me. Don't contact me on social media. Don't watch my stories. Please disappear from my life. If you contact me at all in any way, shape or form, I'm probably going to get irritable and like you less. In fact, even though I loved you. And even though we were sleeping together earlier, if you contact me more than a few times, I might actually break up with you or see you in a completely different light. But remember only give me the amount of space that's necessary until I'm actually ready to come back and talk to you.
Speaker 0 00:45:56 But by the way, I have no possible way of knowing, imagining, wondering, or using context clues to decide when that moment might be. And remember when I do decide to come back, which will probably be way later than you thought I would. Don't be mad. Don't be angry, don't be jaded. And don't be resentful being the perfect most receptive, loving state of mind because now I will have come back and I'm ready to, you know, poke around and see if I still want to be in this relationship. Here's what else is implied? When you tell someone I need space and you've just recently been intimate and you give them no other understanding of what happened. So even though we've been sleeping together, possibly as recently as an hour ago, but then we had that little
Speaker 1 00:46:39 TIFF, please just get away
Speaker 0 00:46:42 For me. Never come near me again for a while, until I say it's time. Of course, that's only if I decide that I'm ready to come near you, in which case receive me, love me. Accept me, take me back into your life because now I'm ready to be done with space and remember don't check in on me. Never make sure I'm okay, because that's only going to make me want to break up with you. So in case all of that, wasn't crystal clear. Whoever says that they need space has the false belief that they now are taking ownership of the power in the relationship.
Speaker 1 00:47:13 Nice, huh?
Speaker 0 00:47:14 And unfortunately, all of that is the subtext from simply saying, I need space and then vanishing out of the relationship. So if you're going to take space and you're not actually planning on breaking up with your partner where you're not saying it as a reason, by all means, start by talking about how much time you need and your real intentions for asking
Speaker 1 00:47:36 For it.
Speaker 0 00:47:38 Another novel idea of what you might not want to do whilst taking space is drinking, partying, going out, getting crazy posting to your stories, allude to the fact that some mysterious man or woman is taking photographs of you looking so amazing and living your best life. Probably not a good idea to take amazing selfies with you and your girlfriends to post about on social media, to try to demonstrate what an amazing life you have. Meanwhile, your partner is at home wondering what is going on with your relationship, your relationship status. If you ever loved each other, your partner at home is likely questioning everything. Wondering if you should be together, wondering if this is actually a breakup and in most cases feeling very, very uncomfortable. So unless you're really into torture or emotional abuse of someone that you love like or care about, this is not a good idea.
Speaker 0 00:48:30 In my opinion, it's not a good time to post anything on your social media, but especially situations where it looks like you're having the most fun in the world or that you're not actually taking space to think about things you're just distracting and partying. It's not a good idea to do and say things that make it look like you're suddenly single and it's especially not a good idea to post long-winded spiritual quotes that you came up with on the spot about what happens when one feels this way or when you just let go and realize that everything is at peace. And you're one with the universe and trying to convey to the world that you've suddenly gone through some massive amount of growth, because you've reflected on your situation for four minutes. So you had to express it to your entire social media, following which in turn makes people think up. This girl's about to go through a breakup. Sometimes people who take space, take things much, much farther. Sometimes people use the idea of taking space to sleep with and go have sex with other people in such cases, it may be useful to not say things to your partner like, well, I'm not planning on doing anything with anyone. I'm not expecting to have sex. I'm not looking for sex. It wasn't my intention to have sex. It just came out of the blue. I wasn't expecting it, but we still did it anyway for a good
Speaker 1 00:49:47 Hour. So what
Speaker 0 00:49:49 I'm saying is, yes, in essence, I did have sex, but I'm using the word expecting. I'm saying I wasn't expecting it. So I think that not expecting it has to count
Speaker 1 00:49:59 For something for
Speaker 0 00:50:01 Everyone listening right now, if you're head over heels in love with someone and you're in a committed, monogamous relationship, and you have a little argument, you take some space. And when she's done taking space, she comes back and says, Hey, babe, I love you. Just so you know, I had sex with someone else, but most importantly, I wasn't planning on it. It wasn't my intention. And I wasn't looking
Speaker 1 00:50:21 For it.
Speaker 0 00:50:23 Would this fly with you? Would this solve everything, the relationship, but you simply wipe your hands of it and absolve yourself of any pain and exclaim. Oh my goodness. Well, it wasn't your intention, baby. This means so much to me. Thank you, please. By all means, go fuck again. If you need to, because as long as you're not looking forward and trying to do it, it's okay by me. It's actually a really great question for women to ask themselves. I don't often hear men say this ladies, what is it in your minds about saying that you weren't planning on it, intending on it or expecting it? That makes you think that there's some level of innocence to the fact that you went to someone's house took off your clothes, had Sachs, did the whole thing effectively going through with all of it. And every aspect, if you're in a committed, monogamous relationship is basically wrong.
Speaker 0 00:51:15 But because you add this one word that it somehow absolves you of everything. And in case this is an abundantly clear for me personally, this has absolutely no bearing in reality to how I might feel better about the subject. Sometimes people like to say I was confused. I was emotional. Certain celebrities might say they run a healing path or a healing journey. Doesn't that sound nice. Your partner had to go sleep around because they were on a healing journey and this had to happen because it helps you discover who you were and what you need. No, not okay. Not okay. Under the pretext of taking space. Totally legal though. Not very nice to hit your partner out of nowhere with, okay, that's it. I'm breaking up with you. I need to be free because I'm going to go sleep with someone else tonight. Or I want to be free to have the option to do so for me, what it comes down to is most of us don't like to take responsibility or accountability for our actions.
Speaker 0 00:52:09 And often, especially women never want it to look like it was their idea or that they were looking for sex or trying to go out and make something happen. But we all know the truth is whether you have an intention or not. Especially if you're female sex is going to find you one way or another. Now I know some of you out there might be listening to this mortified thinking, Oh my God, I would never do that. I can never do such a thing. And I know that's true, but most people are in fact, selfishly oriented and will use opportunities like this to their advantage. So remember that the sentence I need space does not mean I'm taking a hall
Speaker 2 00:52:45 Pass.
Speaker 0 00:52:48 Let's keep exploring this a little bit further. Now, remember that any time you're in a situation where you say that you need space, you also had the opportunity to say, I actually want to break up with you or I don't see this working out between the two of us anymore, or I can't do this anymore, or I need to get out of this relationship. I thought I loved you, but it turns out I need to be able to date who I want sleep with, who I want and do what I want. Any of those would be just fine. Those would be true. Those would be effective. And those would be the right thing to say, if you're done. But instead, the default sentence that people tend to choose is I need space saying that is very nebulous, very confusing and leaves. Both people not knowing what's happening.
Speaker 0 00:53:32 Here's another perspective to see this differently. How many women out there have gotten upset, hurt, sad, depressed, or angry because another man never texted you back. That's it? That's all that happened. No sex, no drama, no tragedy. He just didn't call you back or didn't text back. Or maybe you sent a nice little text message and it didn't quite get the response you were looking for. Maybe all that happened was he didn't respond right away to your text or in the amount of time that you thought he would, or maybe you feel like you got brushed off with a casual, nonchalant text that you would have thought would have been different. And you spent several hours thinking about why he might've sent something like that or set it that way. Maybe as a woman, you've had a man ghost on you before or not communicate his feelings to you or completely go cold.
Speaker 0 00:54:22 What does that feel like? And how does it sit with you in the pit of your stomach? Do you love it? Is it easy to handle? Is it okay if it wasn't his intention? Does it make it better? Is it simple for you to stop thinking about him? Is it easy for you to just go distract yourself? Is it effortless to just focus on you? Don't be so obsessed with him. Just go give yourself a girls' day. Of course not, not if you like the guy, not if you're really into him, you absolutely obsess over the guy. You think about it all the time. You start Facebook groups about it. You have anxiety, you reach out to your girlfriends and you ask them, you dissect it, you run it over and over and over and over and over and over and over again through your head.
Speaker 0 00:55:01 Oh, but wait, it gets worse. Then you call another girlfriend and another girlfriend and you chat about it for several more hours. Why did he send this text? Why did he not reply? What do you think? I should say the amount of time, energy and anguish that you have spent trying to figure out what to say back to the guy or why he hasn't responded or what the possible scenario would be or what the deeper meaning or hidden meaning is. It's absolutely exhausting. And remember, I'm talking about situations here where you weren't even fighting. There wasn't a problem. No one's taking space. Nothing is even wrong. You're just freaking out and losing it over a text message or a phone call or some other trite detail when things are going this well, even in moments like this, where everything is fine, it's very hard for women to figure out what to do next or what to say next or how to respond or if they should call or send a voice note.
Speaker 0 00:55:58 So can you imagine that if it's this complicated to engage in regular texting and communication, how painful it might be for someone to out of the blue, hear the words you need space and then not have a clue of what's going on until you're done needing space. All right. So then the next logical question is how much space do you actually need? He know that you need to take some space, but you don't know how much. Well, the first thing that comes to your mind, number one, you don't know. Number two, it depends. And number three, digging your heels. I don't know. And it does depend if that's you and how you would answer, let's be very clear. You don't know how much space you don't know what kind of space you don't know how to communicate the boundaries of it. So if you have no idea what your own boundaries limits or needs are, how can you expect your partner to know? And that's why it's critical. I keep repeating it. We keep coming back to it to establish a time. And anything short of that is weaponizing your relationship.
Speaker 0 00:56:55 All right. Now often when a woman says that she needs space to her man and the man asks some very natural, very, okay. Very clean clarifying questions. Like, can I give you a call a little bit later? Can I check on you in a little bit to make sure you're okay. Will you check on me to make sure I'm okay? Are we okay? Is this relationship all right? How much space are we talking about here? This is hard to say. And I don't like that. It's true. But many, if not, most women in this situation will see their man in a very different light. When he's asking these clarifying questions, she'll often see him as a nuisance or an irritant, or like he's acting like a child or can't handle himself, or he's being very emotional and you're being emotional. And now you don't know what to do.
Speaker 0 00:57:41 Maybe in today's language, that would sound like he's not honoring and respecting your boundary, regardless of whatever he might be feeling. And just staying away. I told him to give me some space. Doesn't he know exactly what this means. I think this must be a red flag that he's asking me these questions where he continues to call. Why is he calling me to check in on me right now? I told him I needed some spaces. He that insecure and needy. He's saying, I love you red flag. He is calling you red flag. He just wanted to make sure you were okay, red flag. You said you needed some space. Then you vanished. And it created a vacuum. So he called and called to see what the heck is going on. Red flag. As a woman, you perceive this as him not honoring your boundaries. When in fact, all he's trying to do is figure out what's going on here now for men listening, as we spoke about earlier, I would actually recommend not continuing to call, not pressuring or pursuing, not checking in to make sure she's okay to actually give the space because this tends to be the only possible outcome.
Speaker 0 00:58:41 And it's a negative one. So just so we're all clear what's going on here. When the person who hears the words I need space is asking clarifying questions and they're trying to figure out what's going on. This makes the person who's taking space. Feel like the asker is needy. And oddly it's never seen as, Oh, these are actually really intelligent questions to ask that help us communicate. When two grown adults are trying to figure out what page they're on, simply put the rules or the terms or the conditions they have to be defined. The who, what, where, when and why
Speaker 1 00:59:16 Now,
Speaker 0 00:59:16 For those of you who have been through this before, or you're going through it now, there is still more unfortunate news that you need to know as a result of someone telling you that they need to take space. It's actually very natural for you to become needy and insecure and that's even the best of you. And then that becomes even more unattractive to your partner. Who's already feeling repelled by you and by virtue of that, it will often precipitate your breakup. And that's even if you're not by nature, a needy person, even if you're trying not to be here, this the simple act of following up or follow through following through when someone's being very distant, just the act of asking very regular questions. It creates this vacuum. And what that means is the more someone pulls back, the closer you move towards them, the more they pull away, the more curious and interested you get.
Speaker 0 01:00:06 It's extremely difficult to have spent the last several weeks, months or years spending every day with someone, maybe you were living with them, sleeping with them regularly. And then one person suddenly ejects pulls out or needs space, even just a little bit, even a small change will really rock the boat and send your partner reeling, which both sucks and creates this addictive kind of quality. This vacuum I'm referring to. So there's actually not a lot you can do unless you're extremely conscious and aware because your knee jerk response is going to be to lean in to the relationship, not to pull back yourself. You're gonna want to help solve it, fix it, address it. And at this time it's a little bit like too little too late, but all is not lost. Just you knowing about this can help make a change. Knowing what's coming, knowing that it's likely that you're going to feel something like this can help.
Speaker 0 01:00:59 It can help you maintain a little bit of your own composure, a little grounding for yourself, a little mental preparation for what's to come and knowing that in your partner's mind, in the mind of someone who says that they need space, the more invested you become, the more pushy you become or needy or scared or nervous, the more follow through you give. Even if you're asking the right questions, the less attractive you become to that person. The hard truth about all of this is even if you don't think you're a jealous, needy or insecure person, it's very easy to get sucked into all of this. In one little sentence can send you tumbling down on the other hand. Some people who are a little too overconfident have a little too much belief in themselves, or for those who are too core, think they're above it all. If their partner said they needed space and vanished, they think they could probably say, Oh, sure, babe, go ahead. I've got no problem with this. I'm independent. I'm confident. Sure.
Speaker 1 01:01:54 Good luck with that.
Speaker 0 01:01:55 Maybe if you actually don't care about your partner or you're incapable of investing in someone emotionally, but if you let enough time go by with someone who you are in love with care deeply about or love deeply when that person vanishes on announced or it surprises you, chances are high. You're going to be a mess to all of the behavior that one would normally associate
Speaker 1 01:02:17 With being healthy. Cordial, chivalrous friendly
Speaker 0 01:02:23 Here now has a very different connotation. It has the complete opposite effect when someone is trying to take space. So the more that you call text or follow through, check in with her, see what's going on. Make sure she's okay. The more withdrawn and distant your partner becomes. So I think the big takeaway for this episode is recognizing the difference between someone who says, I have a headache. I need a little space tonight. Or maybe you have a small little argument and you back away from it for a tiny amount of time, such as minutes or hours, or even the rest of the day. And then the kind of space that we've spent the last 20 minutes talking about, which feels very, very different.
Speaker 1 01:03:04 Some
Speaker 0 01:03:05 People communicate with their partner a hundred times a day. Some people do it a few times a week, and I'm not here to tell you how often you should talk, but whatever your communication level is, you're obviously used to that level of consistency. There's a cadence or a rhythm to it. And if someone dramatically changes what you're used to this also is generally going to create a large amount of insecurity in your partner.
Speaker 0 01:03:28 Let's play out another scenario. Now imagine a woman tells a man that she needs some space. And even though they just slept together earlier that day and then had an argument, by the way, when I talk about sleeping together, it's important because you just shared this really intimate, close bonding act. So to go from one of the closest ways to be with someone to one of the most distant it's often shocking. All right? So in the guy's mind, everything seemed to be going perfectly fine. They had great sex and they were feeling very close to one another. So let's say this man is actually able to give her all the space she could possibly need. He hears the sentence and no sooner does she say it he's out the door. He's like, babe, no problem. Whatever you need. Give me a call when you're ready. And let's say the way he does this is by cutting off all contact and all communication. For three days, he gets ahead of the game. He doesn't call text, email, right? He goes radio silent because she said, I need some space and I don't want you to contact me. Now imagine the same man continues to give her way. Way, way more time without saying a single word to her five
Speaker 1 01:04:35 Days a week,
Speaker 0 01:04:37 Let's say for whatever reason, neither person has contacted one another and a month goes by of total radio silence, no calls, no texts, no FaceTime, no social media. No check-ins. And then one day after a month, he reaches out to say something like miss you thinking about you.
Speaker 1 01:04:58 Love you or come back anytime soon.
Speaker 0 01:05:03 Now everyone knows damn well that the first question everybody's mind is going to be, does this guy even care? Does he love her to begin with? Should he go back and claim her? I know she said, give her some space, but shouldn't he at least check in on her? Shouldn't he stand up for what he wants? Does he even love the girl? Number two, no matter how long a partner waits to give the other person the space that they need almost inevitably when they check in, it's not enough time for the person taking space and they get upset or angry so that when a man reaches out the response, he's generally met with his anger, frustration, irritation, and annoyance. Even if deep down, she's a little delighted that he cares enough and he did reach out. So there's some serious confusion here on the one hand, if he gives you all the space that you might possibly need, whether it's a day, a week or a month, it's going to feel like he or she doesn't care. On the other hand, if they reach out to actually communicate with you and check in on you and make sure you're okay, or try to fix it or talk through it, if you're still irritated or frustrated or upset, or you're still taking space, now it's a problem. So what's the right answer.
Speaker 1 01:06:14 Now
Speaker 0 01:06:14 I understand that in relationships, arguments can get really nasty. Men can be really mean cruel and cold-hearted. So I'm not suggesting that when you take space, you owe your partner anything other than some consideration and respect for what you want to lay out. Is it actually a breakup? Do you really not want to see each other as much? Do you need to slow everything down or do you really just need to clear your head? And that takes you a long time. Here's something else for you to contemplate. If you're the kind of person who regularly needs to take space, does that obliterate any and all feelings that your partner may have about not wanting to take space and actually remained connected to you, does your feeling of wanting space, eliminate and obliterate their need to not want it do your partner's feelings actually matter if you're the one who needs space and does it matter what their gender is?
Speaker 1 01:07:14 Hmm. If
Speaker 0 01:07:15 A woman says that she needs and wants to take some space, but the man doesn't need or want to take space, do you think the man is in the wrong and that he should back up from the relationship or from her physical presence? Because she wants space. If a man says that he needs some space and a woman says, no, I don't want that. I need you to stay connected and close to me or else it's going to hurt my feelings or you're freaking me out. Or this is making me feel really insecure. Or why would you do this to me? Is she in the wrong? Does anyone need to be in the wrong?
Speaker 1 01:07:49 And whose
Speaker 0 01:07:50 Feelings matter more? Who gets deference, whose feelings take priority? When someone draws that line in the sand and says, I need space,
Speaker 1 01:08:00 Oddly
Speaker 0 01:08:00 Enough, I believe that most people think it doesn't matter what the other partner's feelings are or what they want. When it comes to the first partner asking for space. If someone says they need space, then that should be instantly in respected. No matter what, to me, this is the belief of populous America. The other person is supposed to miraculously run away, detach, be distant, be indifferent, be totally okay with it. Have nothing to say about it. No complaints and be instantly compliant and how ever they might feel however hurt or nervous or worried or insecure or upset or angry. They're supposed to let all that go because their partner said they need space. Let's play it out with another story. Let's say a woman is at a man's house. They have amazing sex the night before and in the morning. And then a very stupid, very trite argument comes about as it almost always does.
Speaker 0 01:08:55 And the man gets so upset. He says, babe, I need you to go. I need some space. Why don't you go home? Does it fall on her to instantly respect the same boundaries and to leap out of bed and leave without being able to ask any questions, just walk out the door and close it. Should she instantly think to herself? Oh, well he needs some space. So I should never talk to him again until I hear from him next. Does that feel natural? Has a man ever told you that personally? And you've respected it. In fact, I know for sure. I personally have asked for space, not from the relationship, but for instance, just don't text me for a little bit or I need the day to myself or please don't bother me. And I've had dozens of check-ins for women, countless messages. Oh, Hey. Just thinking about you. Here's something funny. Here's a meme thought this would cheer you up. Hope you're okay. Here's a picture of my naked breast. So the question is, what if your partner doesn't want space? Doesn't need it. And on the contrary actually wants to connect more with you. That's what their need is. You need space and your partner needs a little bit of closeness.
Speaker 3 01:10:04 What if
Speaker 0 01:10:04 Taking space is devastating to your partner or triggering to them or makes them feel abandoned now, whose feelings matter more now, whose feelings are more important? What if you're one of those people who, when you take space, you do it by shutting down vanishing, leaving your phone at home or in the car, not responding to texts, not responding to calls. And you just go do your own thing. And for your partner, this feels like a betrayal or like the entire relationship is coming to an end. Ladies. If you're listening, imagine a man does tell you he needs space. And after a few days, you send a very simple message. Just checking in to tell you, I was thinking about you and he flat out ignores you, or he gets angry and defensive and barks at you. Hey, I told you I needed space. What the hell is this? How many women would see that as a red flag? Or like it's the end of the relationship. So to bring it all together, when people say they need space, they actually have no clue how long they need it for. And they don't communicate this to their partner in any way. Number two, if anyone breaks your space agreement that you've set up that no one else knows the rules too. And no one else knows how long it's supposed to go on for. If they check in by default, you will usually get angry, irritated, pissy, upset,
Speaker 1 01:11:17 Or frustrated. Number
Speaker 0 01:11:20 Three, some people test the other person and think I'm actually going to wait and see how long it takes them to contact me. Because that's going to tell me if they really
Speaker 1 01:11:30 Loved me. Number four,
Speaker 0 01:11:32 Taking space is cruel and unusual punishment. If you know, you're going to break up, you should just get it over
Speaker 1 01:11:38 With number five. This
Speaker 0 01:11:41 Tends to flow in the direction of females saying it to males. It's a little more unusual that you hear a man say he actually needs to take space. So can you just imagine if one woman is playing a vicious game to see how long it will take before her boyfriend does call her to demonstrate that he does actually care and another woman, or even an ex from the same guy freaks out. If she's taking space and he contacts her, how does the guy know what game to play? And these are both very common communication styles, women test, and women also mean what they say.
Speaker 1 01:12:16 Hm,
Speaker 0 01:12:18 Might be one of the most important things to relisten to in this podcast.
Speaker 1 01:12:22 My heart really goes
Speaker 0 01:12:23 Out to all the people who have heard those three words before. I really do understand the feeling. I can feel it in my own heart and my own energy. I have past experiences, countless clients who have been through this, you know, for everyone, who's actually gone through this. It's extremely painful. So often the person who gets told that they need space just wants to make it right. They want to know how to fix it. They want to do something and often, yes, what will fix it and what will solve it is to actually give your partner a little bit of space, but it never feels like that in the moment because it comes on. So suddenly out of the blue. So if you happen to be on the receiving end of someone telling you that they need space, don't be afraid to ask and clarify, what are the terms?
Speaker 0 01:13:07 What does that even mean for you? This means something different for so many people. Does it mean you never want to talk again? Is this actually a breakup? What do you actually need right now? And if I was in your shoes, me personally, that's exactly what I would do. If a woman told me she needed space, the first thing I would ask is before you tell me, you don't know. And before we get into this crazy thing, which probably can lead to a breakup, what do you actually need? Why don't we set a time? Is this a couple hours? You need a couple of days, I can take almost anything for an answer, but it's going to be really rough for both of us.
Speaker 1 01:13:43 If it's just, I don't know
Speaker 0 01:13:46 If I'm in touch with someone who talks to me every day and they suddenly need a week of space. In my personal opinion, that relationship is likely over. Not because I need to talk to them every day, but because you know your partner's behavior so well, you know, that something else is up for someone to be so consistent and then vanish like that. There's something that's gone wrong. And I think it would be great to flesh it out and talk about it. Always communicate about it if you can, but they're unwilling to and space is their only answer. I think the relationship is in hot water. They're either with someone else or figuring out a different relationship or really evaluating if they want to be with you now, for me, that's my opinion. But for other people, it could be that 24 hours is their breaking point or three days for other people still, they might think they can say, Oh yeah, she could disappear for months and I'll be fine.
Speaker 0 01:14:33 But I think the majority of us are not like that. So what are the terms, especially during these times, are we coexisting in the same house and just ignoring each other? Are we sleeping in separate beds? Is one of us moving out temporarily? Are we still going to our children's dance rehearsal together? Do we still have dinner tomorrow night with the parkers? And if you're going to cancel, what lie are we going to use to do? So, would you like to be the one who calls in most relationships? There are things going on during the week that actually need attention where you really can't just vanish the rules, the terms and the conditions, the getting to a place where you both can agree on what those are. It's everything.
Speaker 1 01:15:11 Okay?
Speaker 0 01:15:14 Okay. Now we have to look at how anger and resentment plays into it. Let's say you are the victim of someone telling you that they need some space. So at first you're a little bit shell shocked. You want to accommodate you, let a day go by and don't say anything. You're tempted to reach out after the second day and just make sure they're okay or say you like them or love them or care for them. What have you now the third day comes around and for you mentally, some things have really changed. Maybe day three is your breaking point. When you actually reach your breaking point or when your emotions start to switch something very important in psychological happens here. Now you've gone from someone who cares, who wanted to do the right thing, who wanted to give their partner space to
Speaker 1 01:15:59 Curious, what
Speaker 0 01:16:01 Are they actually doing right now? Where are they? Are they ever going to call? It's a little odd to have not heard from my partner. It's been three days or four days. I haven't so much as heard a peep from them. Hmm. Something different is happening to my psychology right now. I've gone from feeling okay with this and confident with this to this actually feels a little painful. I might even be feeling some concern. It's actually a little odd that they haven't called me three days. Are they doing this on purpose? Are they trying to hurt me? Is it really over what's going on? Surely they would have called by now. How is it that we were talking and even having sex together really good sex only a few days ago, but now hour by hour, minute by minute, I'm kind of noticing I'm not hearing from my partner.
Speaker 0 01:16:53 This is very strange. Can my husband or wife really just turn off the love? Just like that. Just like an off switch. We are deeply connected, but now for whatever reason, it's just gone. These types of thoughts easily enter the minds of all people who have been told. I need some space. You are also likely to ask yourself, is this what's going to happen? Anytime we get into a fight or argument in the future, is it going to get worse than this multiple days of total silence? Maybe as the fourth day creeps around, you notice something very different about your emotions that wasn't there before. Now you actually start getting angry. How could they do this to me? Why would they completely vanish off the face of the earth and not even say hi or goodnight or check in on me or make sure I'm okay?
Speaker 0 01:17:46 Are they even okay? How do I even feel right now? Am I worried? Am I angry? And my resentful and my all of the above is this actually fundamentally changing the nature of our relationship. Will I be able to trust my partner again? And here's the kicker. You didn't start this way. You started patient and kind and understanding and sad and hurt. Then after giving someone what you thought would be the appropriate amount of the right amount or surely enough time, the emotions begin to change anger, bitterness, confusion, resentment. What do you do next? Let's say you pull up your partners, Instagram or social media. And in their story, you notice that they are not really worried or taking space in the way you thought they might or reflecting long and hard on their relationship. But they're at the beach drinking with friends or laughing their ass off posting enormous smiles and stories about having a good time with someone of the same or opposite sex.
Speaker 0 01:18:49 Maybe they don't post anything. But you notice that they're tagged in someone else's photo or video. Hmm. This doesn't feel like taking space, even though technically they're allowed to do what they want to do. This feels a bit like a hall pass. What else is happening over there? It seems like they're very conscious and aware of what they're doing, but they're not messaging you. They're not saying hello or hi, or Missy, or thinking about you. Are you even in a relationship anymore? If someone vanishes for three to five days without any communication whatsoever. Now let's say a few more days go by and you find yourself furious, maybe feeling rage, maybe feeling deep, deep, hurt, and resentment because you cannot fathom what on earth someone is doing with their phone in their hand, with tons of pictures of you and their camera roll, knowing that it would take three seconds to say hello, or check in.
Speaker 0 01:19:42 Maybe you're waking up with a panic attack or anxiety or frustration or anger. You wake up and turn on your phone. And shockingly unbelievably, they still haven't called or texted. You're doing everything right. You gave them space and they haven't even had the courtesy to check in on you or to say anything back. What if it's getting so long for them that they don't even know how to reach out any more they're nervous about it, or they think you might be mad or upset with them. So now they're holding back. Should you call or worse? What if they're testing you? And they're thinking that by you not calling you don't care, should you call now no better to wait. You're a logical person. They told you give me some space. So that's what you should do, right? You think you're doing everything right? But how is it another day?
Speaker 0 01:20:31 Another night, another morning has gone by and you haven't heard from them. So there you sit wavering back and forth between despair and sadness and outrage, and also thinking you're too good for this. You're too mature for this. You should just take control your life and get back on track and go to the gym or take a dance class or go out into nature. You're constantly vacillating back and forth between anger and frustration. So now imagine at the highlight of your anger, the peak of your resentment and your frustration. This is when your partner of course naturally decides to reach out in the most ideal of ways. They're elated. They're ecstatic. They can't wait to talk to you. Hi. How have you been? Let's get together. I can't wait to see you. Meanwhile, you're about ready to lose it. Is that really how you want your first point of contact with your person to be after you gave them all this space and they took it and they show up ready to play off risky and happy.
Speaker 0 01:21:27 And you want to bark at them? Where the hell have you been? What is this? Do you even care anymore? Do you love me? What the heck is going on? Oh my God. I cannot believe how much space you took. No, of course. It's not the first thing you want to say. So you hold it in and you pretend, Oh, hi. Yeah. Welcome back. Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. I just kept busy to care myself. You know, chilling, chilling, minding my business, but you can't wait to ask what the hell is the matter with you? How could you not call me for so long? So now get this. Your love has come back. They're in your life again. They're happy to see you. And you're wavering between fear, confidence, anger, desperation. You've got this really weird feeling in the pit of your stomach. They just showed about a nowhere and everything's supposed to be normal, but you really feel slighted or hurt or pissed or angry or like something doesn't add up or like, something is really wrong here.
Speaker 0 01:22:20 You want to talk to them about it, but they left and you were fighting and now they're back and things seem normal and fine. Do you really want to be that guy? The person who starts it back up, as soon as they come back, what if you lose them? This is someone who you're in love with who you like. This is who you want to spend your life with. And this is what's going to happen over a trite or petty argument. How did they go this entire time without sending a single text or a single phone call to make sure that you're okay, what do you do? What do you do with all that frustration? All that feeling of confliction, in a sense, you might even feel like your relationship has been severed or that it's coming apart because someone took so much space. If your partner doesn't come back happy, or they're still hurt, or they still want to have a talk, how can that get resolved?
Speaker 0 01:23:08 Now, both of you are upset and it's highly likely that both of you are incapable of giving the other person what they need, because once you hit your limit for what your capacity is for space, whether that was 20 minutes or two days or several days, you no longer in that place, you've been building up anger and resentment. You feel abandoned or left or confused or frustrated. The first thing you want to say to someone who hasn't talked to you in five days is not hi, babe. Oh my God, how are you? I missed you. It's more like, what the hell were you thinking? How can I even trust you anymore? You both get face to face. And there's still a lot of anger. And that is likely to Dee the straw that breaks the camel's back. So after 90 minutes of fleshing this out, if it's not abundantly clear already, the big takeaways from this are, if you're going to take some space and you know that it's actually much more than that, you should end the relationship now.
Speaker 0 01:24:03 And for those of you who are being told by your partner, that they need some space and you're hopelessly helplessly floundering, you can't call, but it hurts to wait and wait and wait. And you try giving space. And you tried some of the advice at the beginning of this episode, and that's not working for you for whatever reason. It's probably best for you to bring your relationship to a close. If your partner tells you that they need space, let the self-soothing begins. Start taking good care of yourself because you may be in for a long, hard winter. And that's a situation that I personally would never like to find myself in again.
Speaker 1 01:24:39 Okay.
Speaker 0 01:24:40 I think this finally concludes a long series about how to process breakups and prepare for them. You've got part one, two, and three of how to properly handle prepare for and survive a breakup. And now what it means when someone tells you that they need space throughout this episode have shared some very strong opinions, made some strong generalizations and used strong language. None of this is intended as a jab towards anyone, but especially women or make them out to be less of a person because they need to take some space. There truly is a time and a place to let the situation breathe. We've all got our shadow side. There are things that men do that women find despicable and vice versa. I've been avoiding recording this episode for the better part of three years, because it's such a tender sore subject for people. It's very hard to listen to. My hope is that in listening to this in hearing me resonate with your pain or what you have going on, you gain some deeper understanding of yourself and what's going on with your partner. And it helps you get through this, or it helps you stand up for yourself and eject yourself out of an unhealthy situation that you don't need to drag on for the next year or two.
Speaker 1 01:25:51 I guess what inspired
Speaker 0 01:25:53 Out of everything I shared in everything you've just heard. If you're a frequent listener of the closest podcast, you know, it's very easy to actually arguable sides or give empathy to both sides. Believe it or not. I actually do see the value in taking space. In fact, I, as a man have often taken some space away from my partners. I've said it very directly, Hey, I had a wonderful time today, but I'd like to spend the afternoon to myself. I know I need some me time right now. I'm going to take the weekend to myself and we can talk on Monday. Sometimes it may look like, Hey, I'm only available to hang out once a week or that's all I can handle right now, emotionally. But the big, big differences, what I'm so careful to do is to articulate exactly what that means and what I'm available for.
Speaker 0 01:26:37 And that's to do something that I've never seen another woman do for me or for another male client in all of my years of practice, which is simply put to talk about what's about to happen. When you tell someone that you're going to take space to add a time constraint, to express what you need. And if you don't know to take your best guess at it, I've always found in my life the ability to say, Hey, I feel like I understand what you're going through. This is what I want and need. I have a very strong sense of what you need. Let's take a little space and here's how long I think I'll need. Why am I able to do that? Because I'm decisive because I'm considered of her feelings as well, because I care about her well-being and mine, even if I'm hurting about something or I don't want to deal with something, I still understand that they also are another human being, who I care about to give a few more examples of things that you can say that I've often used in the past.
Speaker 0 01:27:30 You can try something like I really do want us to work, but I'm going to go out of town for a couple of days or head up to my parents for a few days. Let's talk when I get back, let's talk in the morning. I need a few hours to myself. If you don't mind, I want to take some quiet time for just me. I'll reach out in a couple of days. Let's just stay in our own places tonight. And we can talk tomorrow. I say things that people might find very important. Like, you know, I'm not going to go have sex with someone else during this time. I'm not using this time or space to go party and drink and do drugs guys, friends. Let's not confuse partying, cheating, distraction, excess, and poor life choices with taking space. So to me, there's actually a big difference between healthy space, which is real alone time, whether you're an introvert or extrovert, or you need constant validation from people real alone time looks like being alone.
Speaker 0 01:28:27 Spending time in nature, walking, breathing, writing, journaling versus making sexually provocative tic talks or spending endless time on social media or posting stories. And if you think about it for more than three seconds, truly, how are you really being with yourself or working on yourself or working on it as you like to say, when you're scrolling and scrolling and scrolling or making sure you look fantastic for your next announcement that you made kale chips to be abundantly clear. Do I think it's okay to go out with your friends and have a nice time or spend time with friends who are important to you? Who am I to say? Absolutely. Go out with your friends. Do I think it's okay to talk it out and process and express what you're going through with your best girlfriend? Of course. Good Lord. Do I think that putting on pushup bras and high heels and mini skirts and going to places where you're going to get an enormous amount of sexual attention from men to feed a never ending need for attention and choosing this as the place to let off some steam and talk to a few girlfriends about your situation and it will be the right approach.
Speaker 0 01:29:33 Absolutely not. I don't think that that's a way to process and to take space from your partner who you theoretically love. It's great though, if you're polyamorous and those are the terms and conditions of your relationship, I think it's great. If you're single, I think it's just fine. If you've had a fling with someone and you've slept together once or twice, and it's not working out after a month, but if you're in a committed, monogamous relationship, I think that
Speaker 1 01:29:55 Tact, classiness, respect, care, concern, love, empathy. These
Speaker 0 01:30:04 Are the things that make or break your relationship.
Speaker 1 01:30:07 Thank you. Thank you
Speaker 0 01:30:10 Listening. If you enjoy this episode, please consider subscribing to us on the platform of your choice, whether that's
[email protected] forward slash closeness or anywhere else, podcasts can be found such as Apple, Stitcher, iHeart, Google, Pandora, and so forth. If you'd like the idea of working one-on-one or two on one, whether live and in person in San Diego or internationally via virtual consultation, please don't hesitate to visit our
[email protected]. Thank you. And I'll see you in the next episode.
