Episode Transcript
Speaker 0 00:00:00 Welcome to the Closeness Podcast, your new sexual education. My name is Tar. I'm the creator of closeness, and I specialize in offering an unparalleled in-person experience in the domain of sex, intimacy, relationships, and love. There's no age requirement other than needing to be over 18 to come in. And regardless of what type of relationship you're involved in, traditional, non-traditional, monogamous or polyamorous, and regardless of your gender, culture, and lifestyle, everyone is welcome to do a session. You can also be married in a relationship, just getting in or out of something or single. And one of the best ways to experience a closeness session is to do so in person. If you live thousands of miles away or you live in another country and you heard of me, I'm more than happy to do virtual. But generally, some of the most incredible work that we'll do together will happen live and in person because of the exercises and unique interactions that happen here.
Speaker 0 00:00:53 And so this specific episode is aimed at giving you a very in depth look at what a closeness coaching session looks like from the inside out. It's a peak behind the curtains, if you will, and I think you're going to find it very insightful. This episode is actually over an hour long, so if you're looking for an abridged or summary version of what we do here, you can check out the crave closeness.com website under the coaching tab. The Closeness podcast is a free supplemental offering that you can use either in conjunction with sessions or you can just enjoy on its own. It's long form nature leaves it chalk full of insights, tips, suggestions, mindset shifts, exercises, things to try, ways to look at relationships and sex in a way that maybe you've never explored before and much, much more. Do you know that studies now show that about 30% of people under 30 aren't having sex at all?
Speaker 0 00:01:44 More and more couples are fighting themselves in sexless marriages. For some, that means having sex less than 24 times a year, 10 times a year, and even four times a year. Most women find 80% of men physically unattractive and therefore ignore them. The divorce rate in America is somewhere between 50 and 60%. Almost 80% of women are responsible for ending a relationship, and if she's college educated, it's closer to 90%. Pornography is having a huge effect. It's making men feel less incentivized to initiate or go out and have sex with their partner because porn never rejects them and porn never makes them feel bad. Millennials should be at their sexual prime. Yet countless millennials are reporting dissatisfaction in their relationships as well. And for some strange reason, men still love to tell women that they think that they are the best guy they'll ever have in the bedroom.
Speaker 0 00:02:32 There's certainly a lot going on in the world today, and I can only imagine that some of it has impacted you. So first and foremost, I wanna extend to you a really warm thank you for being here. Even today, sex is still not a comfortable subject for most people to talk about freely. It's not easy, and despite having access to the entire internet, I know it's hard to find something that will be specifically helpful to your situation. So I hope that my brand and the unique style of coaching and interactions and demos that I offer will help make an impact in your relationship or in your personal life. You can also find over 65 star reviews on Google, Facebook, or Yelp, who loves to hide hard earned reviews from their viewers. You can also find more reviews on Apple Audible, and of course on the crave closeness.com website.
Speaker 0 00:03:18 So landing here and getting some help may have taken you a little while. Most of us don't wanna believe that our relationship or ourselves need any help of any kind when it comes to sex. Some people find it embarrassing or think it's just not something that you do. Some people don't even know that sexual guidance exists, especially if you're in your early twenties or thirties. And then for some reason, a lot of men think that getting any kind of help is not masculine or not necessary. So I wanted to personally give you a little reassurance that getting this part of your life handled is a big deal. In fact, knowing how to navigate your partner and their body, how to interact with them, flirt with them, figure out what turns them on, and know how to do that in multiple ways, not just one or two, build sexual tension or seduce them well, I might argue that that could be one of the most rewarding things that you can do for yourself.
Speaker 0 00:04:07 To my knowledge, I don't think I've ever had someone leave a session without learning something about themselves or their partner, and I really try to send people home with an enormous amount of things to think about, try and experiment with very much in the way that athletes have professional coaches. So too having someone to guide or help you through your intimate experiences can not just keep you sharp and take your relationship to the next level, but really, really offer a sense of connection that might be missing from your day-to-day interactions. Having done this now for so many years, a lot of patterns jump out at me immediately when I begin a session. And so one of my specialties or superpowers, if you will, is being what a lot of people like to call a sexual translator. You can also think of it as someone who's very observant and tuned in to you and your partner's, body, language, social cues, the way you interact with one another, very subtle microexpressions.
Speaker 0 00:04:59 And this allows me to voice in a way that your partner can actually hear the tools, advice and wisdom to solve or move towards a resolution for what you're looking for. And what that translates to is sexual excitement, sexual compatibility, closeness, cuddles, warmth, and all of the nice, exciting and tender things you love about being with a partner or would like to have with a partner. So sometimes, for example, you can be in bed with your special someone and your body's saying one thing, but your words are conveying something very different here. My job then is to help you get congruent by communicating what you really want. And then it also means that there are things that you might say or express long-winded explanations. For example, some of you may have a partner who's used to listening to you go on and on and on about something.
Speaker 0 00:05:45 And so what I do is I take that and I condense it all down to the CliffNotes version and then condense it down further into the paragraph version and deliver that to your partner in a way that she or he can hear it. This has the very interesting and unusual effect of having the female partner in the relationship, calm down, feel safe, and feel present with you. It keeps her from zoning out, keeps her out of her head, it helps her feel seen and heard, and it helps you get each other in a way that maybe you haven't felt before. It may be on your mind that you're about to come in and share one of the most intimate parts of your life with a perfect stranger, namely me. And even though I've recorded all these nice episodes to help you feel safe before coming in, you may still have some anxiety or nervousness around it, and this is completely normal.
Speaker 0 00:06:32 The idea of sessions like this may make you feel a little exposed or uneasy, so I want you to know that I understand from my heart to yours what a delicate and fragile situation this is. Everybody wonders what happens in session. Are you gonna feel nervous and anxious? What's going to happen? What's it going to look like? Some of you, especially women, are coming to me to specifically understand how your body works, how you can experience more pleasure, how you can understand yourself better. These are very vulnerable things. So let me do my best to give you a very clear picture of what happens when you walk through the door. The first thing you should know is that it's not in a group setting. There's no one else there, it's just us. The office environment is located in a canyon. It almost feels like an aviary because a space is so beautiful and spacious, and most importantly, there's nothing that you need to do, have to do or worry about other than having a conversation with me.
Speaker 0 00:07:24 The most important thing to me is that we have trust, clear communication, a nice connection, and I really want you or both of you to feel great about working together. When you step inside, there's a large deep set navy blue sofa for you to sit on warm soft throws if you like them, air conditioning and heating. And I do everything in my power to create a safe space where you can be heard. Some clients come in and they can't wait to start talking and getting things off their chest that before I've even sat down, they're going and going, and they keep going until the session comes to an end. Other people plop themselves down, look in my eyes, and just expect me to have all the answers and solve things for them in an hour's time. And so I will say like everything, those are two extremes, and us working together is really going to be effective if there's more of a conversation or interaction with one another.
Speaker 0 00:08:13 But what you won't experience me doing in session is just sitting there or looking at you in nodding or asking constant reflective questions that put things back in your lap, you won't hear very much. Hmm, interesting. How does that make you feel? What do you think about that? I am not a therapist, a psychotherapist, or a marriage and family counselor. I will however, deliver results, real feedback, advice, guidance, and facilitation of all things sexual and intimate that you feel comfortable exploring with me. If there's something that you don't know or understand about yourself, I will teach you exactly how step by step to do it in a way that's safe and comfortable for you. So I specialize in teaching and demonstrating how to give your partner or yourself exactly what you're looking for and actually how to receive pleasure as well, which can be very challenging for women.
Speaker 0 00:09:03 One of the predominant reasons couples come in to see me is usually because a man is feeling extremely rejected by his wife or girlfriend, or more specifically his female partner is getting extremely turned off or questioning if he even finds her attractive, if she finds him attractive, or questioning if she herself still feels like a sexual being. If she wants to be sexual, and this is almost always because he's not turning her on in a way that her body responds to which to do a little translation. Women will often refer to as the right way, something's got in the way of the relationship. Usually there's been an enormous amount of rejection and a shift in the masculine, feminine polarity and initiating seems to be a problem. There seems to be a very strong disconnect and an inability to bridge the gap between being best friends or roommates or cuddly bed partners or someone who you love to pieces and wanna spend your whole entire life with.
Speaker 0 00:09:59 And then the struggle that you're not turned on by each other or one of you is not turned on by the other, or you seem to have mismatched sex drives. This often leads the man to not know what to do anymore because he's been rejected so much and so frequently, and so his advances wind up reading very, very poorly. And then that winds up having a snowball effect that usually spirals outta control because once a man loses his masculinity or his masculine edge, once he stops feeling confident and he becomes more timid or shy to initiate, then his partner often finds this usually more unattractive and even revolting, she winds up rejecting him even more, and the cycle continues. So then this often leaves a man making flacid or paltry attempts at sex like saying, Do you want to go have sex? Do you wanna go upstairs?
Speaker 0 00:10:44 Do you wanna go have some fun? And then the wife or girlfriend gets instantly turned off and disinterested. That leads us right into my specialty and what people really come to see me for, rather than having you or the two of you sitting on a sofa looking away from each other and staring at me while we talk and talk and talk, sometimes feeling some combination of hurt or frustrated or stressed out, shut down and stuck in our heads, I get us interacting. And I do this either with very gentle and innocuous, or depending on what the person is looking for, very suggestive, consensual interactions, demos and exercises that build on each other. What this does is it gets you moving and into your body, which is where you actually want to be when it comes to something as physical as sex and intimacy. In fact, very quickly and in short order, people get a very physical, visceral sense of what turns them on and off, what they like and don't like, what excites them, what arouses them, and what peaks their curiosity.
Speaker 0 00:11:44 And then, because I'm a pretty observant guy and I've been doing this for so long, I'm able to suggest and build on this with you in a way that keeps, generally speaking, peeking your female partner's emotions more and more and more to get her, not just relaxed, not just feeling safe, not just feeling comfortable, but aroused and ready for you both to go home and have some fun talking about seduction, sex, closeness, intimacy, or your feelings about it or getting to in your head about it. It's very easy to go on and on and on when you're trying to figure it out. And a lot of people land on simply, I dunno what to do. But when it comes to sex and intimacy, women actually have an uncanny sense of knowing if chemistry is there or if it isn't, if dominance is there or if it isn't, They seem to know exactly what they're looking for, but they can never explain it, never put their finger on it, never tell you how to do it.
Speaker 0 00:12:38 Hmm, They don't wanna teach you. They don't want to explain it. In fact, that's a big turn off. They just want the man to know to read them. And that's where I come in. That's why you're here. A lot of men have no frame of reference for how to really interact with a woman. They're using porn or their childhood experiences or stuff that other guy friends have told them. And a lot of men simply just don't have an enormous amount of experience. We get so shameful about this, we get so embarrassed, we don't wanna talk to anyone about it. But then how would the problem ever get solved? How would you really work on it? How do you handle something if you're too enmeshed in it to have clear perspective? You know, I don't think most men think about what it really means to be with a woman.
Speaker 0 00:13:19 Women think about relationships and relationship dynamics all the time, and a lot of men just wanna have great sex or have someone who will be a mother to their children or just be partnered up with someone. A lot of men think that if they put a lot of work up in the beginning that that's all they have to do for the entire relationship, that things should just go incredibly well for the next 10, 20, 30 years simply because they courted a girl years ago or decades ago. And I put that myth to bed real quick. A lot of men can become over mechanical with their interactions. They become too aggressive. They don't know how to be soft, sensual, firm dominant. A lot of men also get too silly or too playful, and so they wind up being on one extreme or the other, but never in that sweet spot, right in the middle.
Speaker 0 00:14:01 When we're doing these interactions in the room together, the first few moments may feel a little awkward because you're just meeting me and probably you're not used to being a little intimate in front of other people. This is completely normal, and for most people, it tends to pass right away. In fact, I'm often surprised how quickly it does. But I think that's because for most clients, it's infinitely less awkward than perhaps what's happening in the bedroom right now. And because you're not having sex in the room in front of me, you're just interacting with each other, doing suggestive, sensual or sexual exercises, it makes a huge difference for the skill set that your partner's going to develop. And unless you request to move quicker or you let me know that you're very comfortable with all this stuff, we start super slow and gentle. Walk over to your girl and show me how you'd make her feel safe.
Speaker 0 00:14:45 Let me see how you'd make her feel loved. How would you initiate something with your partner? And then then with both of your consent, I continue to offer guidance, feedback, things you can do differently to increase the temperature, ways to carry yourself and hold yourself things not to do, how to hold her, look at her or position her in a way that she finds sexually provocative and exciting or curious. And then maybe one of the most important things is learning how to hold your energy, your intention, and your confidence in a way that translates to sexual arousal when she watches you. One of the ideas that we work with is helping her always wonder what's going to happen next. And what's so interesting about this work is almost instantly you're going to notice what needs to be done and some things that you need to not do.
Speaker 0 00:15:34 You're gonna feel it in your body, you're gonna see it in her responses. And as we start to build on, these things can and do get very exciting for both of you. And so when both couples and singles come in, it always seems like they fall on one or the other side of, let's call it intensity, the intensity that they're looking for for these interactions. Maybe you feel nervous, timid, shy, and all you need to do is talk to someone. If that's what you're looking for, you're absolutely in the right place. It's a safe space, and we can make huge strides just by guiding and helping you with words. I give an enormous amount of feedback. I ask the right questions. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at what an interaction like this can look like. Then on the other side of the bed, and I think you'll find this very interesting, almost 80% of women tell me on their intake form on the phone or in person, that they wish their partner would be more of the following dominant, but in a healthy way, aggressive, assertive, forward, decisive, directional, that they'd take the lead more often, that they'd be more masculine, that they'd be firmer in their touch, that they learn to be a little more rough or a little more intense or manly, that they learn to go down on her better or be less afraid of her.
Speaker 0 00:16:51 And I know this may sound like a little much to some of you, but we all have some kinky likes and desires. And for women, those almost always include one or some of these being led, being told what to do, being submissive or extremely submissive, even having her partner be extremely assertive or dominant, being treated a little bit mean sexually, being a little bit disrespected, being punished, and then all sorts of other fetishes from there. And of course, often this is tempered with some love and cuddles and soft caress afterwards and that sort of thing. But I want to clearly demonstrate that these are things that not just some women, but most women who come in seem to be asking for not all. And it's very important to know if your wife or girlfriend does or does not want these things, but these are things that they just want to experience in that ever elusive phrase the right way or the way that it makes her feel excited. And so I can't emphasize enough that if all you need to do is talk or you
Speaker 1 00:17:48 Need need some very gentle and soft guidance, we can knock it outta the park and have zero physical contact. And also, if you're looking for something more intense, something different, something unique, or your partner needs to really
Speaker 2 00:18:02 Step it up in that department,
Speaker 1 00:18:04 You've also come to the right place. And I'm not familiar with anywhere else that you can go to find or get help that is as unique as this. There's also a third type of interaction that women will come see me for, and we can call that simply being held. This act alone unlocks so much for women. It is unbelievable. You can have a girl who's been running around for weeks or months full of anxiety, stuck in her head, stressed out, worried and concerned, and then simply by me holding her in a very particular and specific way, allowing her to melt and sink in, allowing her to feel safe, giving her space for her nervous system to calm down, and the opportunity to be with a man who doesn't want to take anything from her, who doesn't expect anything from her being her rock for the moment, suddenly almost like magic, all of those painful and mind blocking emotions seem to melt away. And the change is absolutely profound. A woman could come in all worked up, and then after only a few minutes of being held cared for, nurtured and loved with masculine presence, calm energy, and perhaps even a little nurturing and caressing, it's almost as if she leaves feeling like a brand new woman. So many women feel like they're
Speaker 2 00:19:21 Carrying around an enormous amount of stress, weight, anxiety, and responsibility. Sometimes they feel like they don't have anyone else to talk to or don't know where to turn. And these can be women with large families, women with children, women with a large friend circle, but still somehow affection, closeness, presence, or someone to just hold them doesn't exist in their life at the moment. There's no one present in their life to give them a real hug. And what's interesting is sometimes people are even partnered up with someone, but the affection is so absent from the relationship that they're starving just to have a little bit of affection and attention.
Speaker 1 00:20:01 So being held is very non-invasive, but we're certainly not talking about a pat on the shoulder or a quick little squeeze. I'm talking about a deep, connected, warm, loving,
Speaker 2 00:20:13 Present,
Speaker 1 00:20:14 Heartfelt embrace where no one's trying to take anything. No one's trying to get sex from her.
Speaker 2 00:20:20 She can just hold or be held and relax.
Speaker 1 00:20:24 And interestingly, this has been by far one of the most popular and transformational modalities that I offer because frankly, we all need touch. But a woman really, really shines when she's well loved, just
Speaker 2 00:20:36 Like the coaching and guidance I've been describing earlier where there are layers and levels, and you can start with the most benign and calm and tranquil of them all. It's the same thing here. We can do
Speaker 1 00:20:46 It. It standing up, we can do it with you sitting down. We can do it laying down. We can do it where you're just laying back onto me. So you could just let your mind wander or stare out at the eucalyptic forest. I find that so often when women find themselves an indecision, it's because they're so stuck in their heads and they can't get into the their bodies or they have this noise, this static playing over and over and over again. And compression, nurturing, love presence or physical touch, or true caring or empathetic love, all of these things o they like renew a woman from the inside out. It's pretty incredible. So like with anything, we can customize this to your liking. It can be as simple as a warm loving embrace, or it can be cozy or intimate and tender. But most importantly, safe, safe, safe, which really is what sets the tone and creates the magic sauce for all of this.
Speaker 1 00:21:43 So often women come in and they've been feeling a lot of fear or anxiety or nervousness about something or they don't know how to talk to someone about something. And then they have a transformation like that that lasts for days or weeks where they feel rejuvenated, where they feel like themselves again, and they can actually take action in life and move things forward. It's really incredible. There's nothing like being able to melt, sink in and feel loved. It's what it's all about. And then finally, if you're partnered up with someone, I'm also happy to show you how to give this gift of being held to your female partners that you can do it at home and open her up in a whole new way. All of these different levels and interactions serve different purposes, and they're for different people. But more than anything, what I've found is just how effective they are.
Speaker 1 00:22:31 Even if you're not a kinesthetic person, even if you're not a self-professed, touchy, feely person, this is where the lasting changes that you're looking for resides. I know how this process of looking for help goes, it's very challenging to find the right person who you both feel like can handle what you're going through or can carry it in a way that you both are receptive to it. A lot of people aren't looking for something over the top. They just want something professional and confidential and safe. So people have reflected back to me over the years that the space, the environment, my energy, my attitude, my approach towards things really works for a lot of people, and I feel very proud about this. So to sum up the way we can interact together, for those of you who feel instantly comfortable with me or you feel a connection or you're open minded or interacting together feels very easy and natural, we build passionate, intense erotic exercises together.
Speaker 1 00:23:26 We build chemistry right in the office, and all of this is extremely safe. All of this is consensual and can stop just as easily as it began. Number two, talk only coaching, which is pretty self-explanatory, and we do make amazing strides in this department. Number three, for women, the option to be held, which can be mixed with talk only coaching or other interactions as well. And then finally, number four, if you're partnered up with someone and you're coming in learning how to do all of this stuff, how to seduce, tease, love, ravish, ado, turn on, excite, entice, arouse, and delight your partner. And we also do that step by step based on your comfort level through interactions and pretty uniquely designed demos that really get you to feel things. All of these interactions are clean and safe. There's no need to take off your clothes, but if, for example, you're a couple or single who wants to experience something like that, you can dress in layers.
Speaker 1 00:24:24 So we have things that are comfortable to play with and take off, like jackets, sweaters, cardigans, belts, or any kind of bottoms where you're wearing shorts underneath. As you can probably tell by now, I've got a very clean and swanky office, and I love keeping it immaculate and fresh. I love for people to come in and feel the cleanliness in the freshness of it in the room. It's really important for me to keep it that way. Classy, elegant, and clean. Now, as you're thinking through coming in, one of the most common things that I hear from women are the following words. I don't know. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I'm looking for. I don't know what turns me on. I don't know my own body. Oftentimes I hear, I don't really like what he's doing, but I know I want something different.
Speaker 1 00:25:07 But I also know it's possible cause I remember it from previous relationships, and that's fertile territory for us or all of us to sit down and say, What about trying it this way? Or having him look at you that way. Do you find this exciting or arousing or curious? How about this approach or this eye contact or touching you on your shoulder in this way or leading you on your low back? And that way in doing this, you get to watch your partner get excited and or aroused in real time by things that you are actually doing to create that result. Imagine that. What then do you think is at the core of all of these interactions? What's sort of the basis of it all? Well, after interacting with thousands of women and couples over the years, I can safely and comfortably say that most women want and are looking for some form of what I like to call healthy dominance or health assertiveness.
Speaker 1 00:26:00 A lot of women articulate this by saying, I want him to be a man, or I want to feel like he's my man. And if you can't tell by listening to the sound of my voice in all of these other podcasts, the way I like to guide things and lead them is in a very smooth, sensual, calm way. Dominance is not steamrolling, yelling, barking orders, being disrespectful, being overbearing, being snappy or overly aggressive, commanding your woman to crawl in her hands and knees. It's not even about being ultra aggressive, hyper masculine, tapping into much chimo or alpha. God forbid, I teach men or women how to interact with their female partners in a way that that is sexually electrifying. And that level of excitement can even happen in the first session and sometimes even the first few minutes of a session, if everyone's on board, and sometimes it can even happen without any physical contact whatsoever.
Speaker 1 00:26:57 It's important for me that you walk outta the session feeling something like, Wow, that was incredible. That was amazing. Not, Oh my gosh, what did we just do? What did we get into? I want you to feel empowered. I want you to feel like you learned something and great about what you just experienced. Maybe you're even a little shy afterwards. You think, Wow, I've never done anything like that before. But it's helped so much, even if it winds up surfacing some unexpected emotions like you need to grow or it's time for a change, or what you've been doing in your relationship isn't working anymore and you've gotta step it up a bit. And so because of the level of intimacy that we engage in in so many of these sessions, even if we're just talking, I always appreciate hearing from you or a little follow up to let me know how things landed, how you're doing as a couple or on your own, a nice follow up text or message or voice Note, something to let me know how you're doing and how you're processing things.
Speaker 1 00:27:48 That really helps me guide our future sessions, and I'm always interested in getting better at what I do. I have a lot of women who call in and ask if they should come in by themselves or with their partner. Now, in any given month, anywhere between 40 to 70% of the time, women in relationship and out of relationship will seek to come in for a session by themselves first. The feedback I constantly hear, and why I think women continue to do this is it helps ease their anxiety and their nervousness. Sometimes having their partner in the room, even though they wanna make things work with them is a little nerve-wracking, and they wanna be able to speak freely, process a little bit, just understand themselves a little bit better, not feel intimidated or nervous or like there's more to worry about and figure out what it's gonna be like before bringing their partner in.
Speaker 1 00:28:35 But I share this plainly with you to say women choosing to come in by themselves has nothing to do with me. It just seems to be much more effective for them. I'm absolutely more than happy to see both of you. You can work the session however you want, as long as if there's a woman present in the relationship, she's also present in the room when you come in just for the first few sessions. I request having a woman in the room because sessions go very differently when a man comes in all alone. Generally a man is concerned about a few specific things, erectile dysfunction, staying hard, premature ejaculation. I have a single podcast episode that addresses a lot of that, and oftentimes single men do come in on their own first, and that's fine as well. But I've found that sessions where men come in alone first without their female partner do not go nearly as well as they do if she's present.
Speaker 1 00:29:23 And that is because she's always going to be the barometer, the proof in the pudding to see if what we're doing is actually working two men in a room speculating about what a woman might like is far more dangerous than actually having her there nodding and getting excited and being responsive and getting into the whole thing. Plus you get to see it once again, real time. I'm also giving feedback and making adjustments in real time based on how your female partner is responding. And because I'm able to read body language so well, I can custom tailor things much quicker when she's present. As we're building on our session and I'm putting forth different ideas and concepts, we're getting more comfortable together. We're trying different things and paying very close attention to seat. Does she love this? Is she engaged? Is she excited? If you're in a heterosexual relationship, male and female energy have to be together if you want to understand polarity and attraction, okay, so it may be the case that your female partner reaches out to me first, but that doesn't mean that I take sides or that I don't advocate for the men in the relationship.
Speaker 1 00:30:28 I advocate for both of you, and even though it often falls on the man to make the most changes, I am super, super empathetic with the guys. I'm patient, calm, friendly, easygoing, and I think you'll find my methods of teaching to be like nothing you've ever experienced before. One of the most common concerns I hear when people come in is that they're a little fearful or apprehensive that the session is only going to be about sex or have some heavy slant towards performance interactions or that that's all we're going to talk about in session. And this really couldn't be farther from the truth as we talked about earlier, there are many ways to have a session together, and we certainly do not need to keep the focus on sex only if there are many other things that need clearing up first. Sometimes, yes, of course, sex coaching is exactly what people are looking for and that's why they hire me.
Speaker 1 00:31:19 They want that performance, they want that expert level knowledge and guidance. However, obviously, and especially if you're a woman and you're feeling pain, resentment, pain during sex, frustrations, sadness, anger, you're not sure if you're feeling sexual or not, you're not even sure if you're attracted to your partner or not. I'm well aware that that's not the time to jump right into the sex stuff. We've gotta work through some of these subjects first, and that's part of what makes the intimate stuff stick once we get there. So I'm happy to spend as much time as necessary to clear up any miscommunications with your partner, any misunderstandings, any past resentment, anger, and of course, or even especially in fidelity, you're actually welcome to come in and talk to me about anything other than sex. You can even use my life coaching or acrobatic or interior design abilities if you'd like, if it helps you feel safe and comfortable and moves you towards what you want.
Speaker 1 00:32:12 I'm all in. Now, if you haven't guessed already, I'm very big on consent, but what would this episode be if we didn't do an entire section on it? When working with sex consent is a very interesting thing because we live in a climate now where many people are pushing for consent for every single little interaction, including if you're a couple and you're together and you've already been doing this for years and years, and yet oftentimes women are coming in because they're so frustrated that their husband is taking too much time and energy asking and begging and talking about sex verbally and often, these women just want to be taken ravished, seduced, adored, devoured, and I'll teach you all of that. But when you meet me for the first time, I also need to make sure I have your full consent. And unless you tell me otherwise, that's with each interaction as they build, we need to make sure everyone in the room is on board that it's okay that I interact with you, look at you, touch you so that we can have a nice, healthy, trust-based interaction.
Speaker 1 00:33:14 First, I can't tell you how many women I see come in with their husbands and the women's bodies do not trust their man even if they love them and adore them and respect them. But if there's been something like a sexual concession where women have done things for their partner because they think it's their wifely duty or they should, or they have to, but their body doesn't really want it, it really creates problems and also winds up leading her to shut down. So we don't wanna engage in anything even suggestively without your full consent and awareness of what's going on. If you're a woman listening, you probably already know that things go much better if you're feeling relaxed, safe, calm, not anxious. And I know that sometimes you don't want a million questions. Sometimes you just want to be led through an experience. We can do all of that together, but it requires that you give that consent first.
Speaker 1 00:34:06 Now, for those of you who feel very comfortable and you feel good in the room, everything's going well, you can simply say, Terry, I consent in full or, Yes, please continue without asking. And then for those of you looking for that kind of smoother interaction where things are building and building without needing to be interrupted verbally, then we can do that. This type of consent can definitely be built over the session as well. You don't need to walk in and tell me the first moment you meet me, Okay? I consent to everything. You can see how it goes, feel into it and take it moment by moment. But we do wanna make sure that everybody who's in the room or not in the room knows what's going on and is okay with it. When we're interacting together, I'll always start with phrases like, May I, Can I, Is it okay if I, do you mind if I do, I have your consent to, Is it all right if I look at you, talk to you, sit next to you, interact with you, move you around the room a little bit, And then as you feel more comfortable and safe, then you can say, You know what?
Speaker 1 00:35:03 I feel good up until this point, or, You're welcome to engage with me however you'd like up until this point. And what I find from working with so many women is they just wanna have a nice experience. It's a really interesting thing if a woman comes in with her partner too much talking, even if her boyfriend or husband is just trying to understand this stuff and really get it. Women often get turned off easily while they're just waiting or while two men are talking, sometimes they get bored or they're ready for the next step. The women who come in are often ready for it. They're ready for something new and some new adventure. They wanna feel it, they wanna tune into it. They don't want to be in their head, and sometimes a large back and forth discussion isn't always what's needed. So I really do try to keep the guys in action, and when we do it that way, the results speak for themselves.
Speaker 1 00:35:52 When you come in for a session, there's no agenda here. There's nothing that has to happen. There's nothing that I need to see for that matter. Every once in a while, I'll have a couple who wants to come to a session because they want to convince their partner to do something and they think that I'll be the one to do it. And I just wanna clear up straight away that unless both people are on board or I see some enthusiastic interest in the partner, I don't move it in that direction. So just to take something off the top of my head, say, a partner comes in and he wants to have a threesome or wants to try anal sex. Maybe he wants to go to a sex party, and so he's bringing you in to help figure this out secretly, perhaps hoping that I'm gonna convince you, ma'am, if you show up feeling nervous, anxious, uneasy, or God forbid, petrified or freaking out, well, of course the first thing I'm going to do is to try to soothe you and build trust and rapport with you.
Speaker 1 00:36:42 And of course, we're not going to go there, of course, we're not gonna push for that. I'm gonna help him understand and see that you're in no place to do this, and this may be a hard boundary or a hard no. Other times women will come in who are shy, quiet, but there's sultry and they actually really do love sex, but it's almost like it's stuck inside, like they need someone to rattle them up a bit or draw it out of them. Often they've got some strong sexual desires or fantasies or they want to step into a new version of themselves, but they're not quite sure how to express it or who to express it to. Whether you come in alone or with someone, I'm told that I'm pretty masterful at drawing that out and helping it get expressed in a way that feels not just safe, but also really, really sexy and arousing.
Speaker 1 00:37:28 If a woman has been through some sort of betrayal or she's feeling resentment or anger towards her partner, but for whatever reason during your session in the moment of it or leading up to it over the last few weeks, you're not feeling that way, you're actually feeling like you're in a receptive and open state of mind with your clear verbal consent. We can just move past all that. We actually can jump into some of the intimate stuff right away. And believe it or not, that does work for a lot of people. Let's talk a little bit more about the intense side of things. So many women come in because they're feeling frustrated and almost angry at how delicate and fragile their male partner is when he interacts with them. In the words of countless women, they often feel disgusted, repelled, revolted, and turned off by not feeling their man's energy.
Speaker 1 00:38:22 I'm using strong language here to emphasize that many women who are treated too carefully or too delicately by their husbands or boyfriends get really upset by this, and this is what I'm referring to when I'm talking about healthy dominance training. And then of course, the opposite is also true. There are plenty of men who are just far too aggressive or go for sex too quickly, and I absolutely teach how to be more sensual, calm things down, or to be soft, delicate, and careful with your partner as well. It always seems like people are always on one extreme or the other on a spectrum, right? Someone's either too militant and aggressive, or they're way too gentle and careful, and they don't know how to help themselves with their partner's best interest in mine. And that middle ground, that middle area, to me, that is where all hot, good, great, wonderful, connected sex and intimacy lies.
Speaker 1 00:39:11 I specialize in teaching you how to work the middle. Some people just don't know how to be calm and not awkward in intimate situations because they've never had the chance to truly relax, so they get jumpy or goofy or anxious, and then this in turn makes your female partner feel that way. Women, generally speaking, are already a little bit on the anxious or nervous side, taking care of family, kids, people who get sick, kids in and outta school. If both partners have a lot of nervous energy going on, who does what? How do you get each other to relax and unwind? Well, as it turns out, I've actually got about 20 years yoga experience, 13 years aerial and acrobatic experience, 10 plus years with dance and movement experience, a few years of time, massage training, 15 years of partnering and connection work. So I've got a huge background in movement, connection, trust, partner exercises, and a deep comfort around helping others feel safe to engage in those things.
Speaker 1 00:40:11 So if and when it feels appropriate, I love incorporating these modalities into our work. It's so much more fun and exciting for everyone involved. When couples come in to see me, I often hear the same thing. They're best friends. They love each other to pieces. They're so supportive of each other. They admire each other and like each other a lot, But this one sexual piece is missing. You're in a sexless marriage, and I want you to know that you're not alone. Anyone who married their best friend, anyone who didn't pick a bad boy, which has its own detrimental consequences, anyone who got into the relationship for stability or security, anyone who got into a relationship because your partner looked good on paper, but you didn't always have that magnetic intense spark. The list of reasons why the chemistry may not be there is profound, and that's one of the reasons why I teach.
Speaker 1 00:40:59 Guide, show, explain, demonstrate and interact with you to get you into the right state of mind and awaken that aspect that's been dormant inside of one or both of you. So hear this carefully. While it may feel unusual, awkward, or inappropriate in any other social situation to feel aroused, excited, horny turned on lustful, if you find yourself getting excited or wet in session, this is actually a very good thing. This is after all the part that you're paying me for, that you're looking for, and that you want to explore. So if you're getting excited and turned on, I just wanna let you know that's perfectly fine. It's okay. In my office, that's what I do day in and day out. It's the whole point of it all. I even have a private entering exit, so no one else has to see how horny you get in session and you guys can just run home and bang it out together. Sometimes excitement like this can happen within minutes or even an hour or two of people coming in for their first time. Other times it takes time to build up to something like this, but because I need to cover all bases, you are not broken, and there is nothing wrong with you if you do not get horny in session.
Speaker 1 00:42:07 And now we arrive to what you might call equality. A lot of people come in and think both partners are going to have to work at this equally, but what winds up happening, especially if you've got a male female dynamic, a lot of that responsibility, a lot of that initiation has to be done by the man. A session together can be very clarifying because it will let you know right away if both partners are willing to do what it takes, willing to take the steps necessary, or if one person is doing all the work, holding on, making the appointments, doing their part, while the other person is sort of passive or not present. And if that's the case, fixing something is going to be hard for any partnership. That being said, within most relationships, the intention, intensity, decisiveness, ability to take the lead, the leadership and organization of most sexual interactions by the man is what is going to make the magic happen.
Speaker 1 00:43:04 It's what's going to change everything. The man taking action is often what's going to drive the relationship forward. In other words, it needs to be sparked and started by him or the dominant person in the relationship who wants to lead. So men, if you're thinking to yourself, Well, why do I have to do all the work and why can't she do anything and shouldn't initiating be 50 50? It's because the way attraction works is a little bit different. It's not a 50 50 thing or it's not. I do some, and she does some, I'm reluctant to call it the work, but again, more of the intensity. Directionality, decisiveness, intention, responsibility and presence from the man, it starts with him. This is not a case of ladies first because when men take the lead and their female partner follows, you actually won't believe how quickly you can affect change if you do it in this particular way.
Speaker 1 00:43:56 A lot of men think of this as hard work, but it's not manual labor. You don't have to stay up late toiling in the garage. It doesn't require physical exertion. I mean, your hips might get a little workout. It really just comes down to taking a little bit of action. And the beauty of that is that you get to create a scenario, a scene, an interaction just the way you like it with a consensual, feminine woman who wants to be submissive, which by the way is almost every woman who walks through my door. You get to create the magic as long as you keep her best interest in mind and your heart is connected to her. Women do not get turned on and aroused in the same way that men do most of the time. Our entire approach to orgasm, intimacy, sex, closeness, it's very different.
Speaker 1 00:44:40 To be fair, I am a man too. I know it's not only about pleasing her, satisfying her, I certainly don't take the approach of whatever she wants is what she should get and the man be damned. It's a balance, but let me put it this way, the orgasms, the coming, the magic, the openness or willingness comes when you go first, and I'm here to break down, explain and demonstrate if necessary, how to do all of those things to make your relationship more effective and juicy in the bedroom. When you think about seduction, initiation, assertiveness, confidence, chasing her, just as we were talking about a moment ago, all of these things tend to move in one direction from the man to the woman. It's not my choice, it's not my preference, and I certainly am someone who also loves a woman initiate with me, but I cannot emphasize enough that I almost never come across a woman who wants it that way, where she's initiating 50 50 or most of the time, or even a fraction of the time, They may think that they want that or do, they may say, Well, you know, I wanna be able to come over to you and just run my hands through your hair.
Speaker 1 00:45:45 Sit on your lap. That's absolutely fine, but that's not initiating sex and guiding and leading the whole experience from beginning to end is usually something women don't want to do. However, ladies, if you come in and that's a skill set that you'd love to hone, I am more than happy to show you how to do it. As a matter of fact, when I'm working with lesbian partnerships, we do this sort of thing all the time with women. Nonetheless, about 99.9% of all heterosexual female clients do not wanna be dominant. They do not want to be assertive, and most of them have done that all day at work, so they don't wanna take charge and take the lead. They want to relax, They want to get out of their head, they want to unwind. They want to feel masculinity. As much as you wanna feel her femininity, effectively, they want their man to read them, know them, and do it for them.
Speaker 1 00:46:35 And that's a very tall order. By the way, fellas. Teaching doesn't mean talking at you, making you feel small or telling you that you're doing it wrong. It's not explaining and you taking notes and then later giving it a try. It's interactive at closeness. Sometimes it's as simple as putting your hand on her knee and looking in her eyes while sitting on the sofa. There are so many ways you can look in a woman's eyes that are not going to excite her and not going to light her up. And so it's in the details and the subtlety and the body language and your energy, the way you hold yourself, the way you connect with her to learn how to do that, we've gotta put it into action and get you doing it. No woman wants to have sex with you because you'll take it or leave it, or because you're just being playful or because you're not fully invested.
Speaker 1 00:47:19 No woman wants pity sex and no woman wants to do it because you got hard, and so you decided that you're horny, and now it's time. I can't tell you how many couples I talk to where the man just realizes he has an erection and thinks that well stop everything now. It's time to have sex because he's horny and needs some relief as if a woman's world should just come to a screeching halt because he's hard. Women also aren't interested in having sex because you're thinking to yourself, Oh, might as well, or The games on a commercial break. So I'll slide in. These two extremes. Never work a woman wants, whether it's the first time or 10 years into the relationship to feel your lust, your desire, your passion, your masculinity, which is much, much more than just dropping her pants or yours and putting it in.
Speaker 1 00:48:05 Let's talk a little bit about the office. I'm actually very excited to welcome you into this penthouse style corner office that is absolutely stunning, fun and immaculate. It's pretty to look at. It's comfortable to be in. There's mood lighting and soft furniture and different places to sit and different views to look at. There's a Tantras, shes fun, little ACU mall and and accessories, some tasty treats or chocolate, beautiful art. And of course there are floor to ceiling windows with 180 degree view of a eucalyptic forest. Pure nature outside. As I mentioned earlier, there's your own private entry and exit. There are clean bathrooms. You can optionally take your shoes off. There's brand new carpet. It's spacious. Once you come in, I have a simple one page consent form. We sit down, we get started, and if you don't know where to start, I'm happy to lead.
Speaker 1 00:48:55 Ask the right questions, take a little time to get to know you. I'll ask you things to get you thinking, and I'm also very accepting of questions that you don't want to answer. And then we start to move towards what your truth and your partner's truth is. What do you want? What are you looking for? What are you struggling to understand when it comes to intimacy? How can I make it easy for you in terms of your time commitment? You're only held to the hour, but I always try to leave a little extra time in case you need to purchase more. Oftentimes when people come in for the first, second or third time, they wind up doing 90 minutes or two hours. And so for the first session, I'll usually leave up to two hours available even if you don't wind up using it, and you're only financially responsible for the time that you do use.
Speaker 1 00:49:37 As we start talking and building rapport, I start sensing into you how your body language is, how you're feeling, what you're emoting, the kind of vibe you're putting out. And I respond in kind. I'm aware of what you're saying, what you're not saying. People are often surprised that I can sometimes do a little mind reading myself, even though, as you know, ladies, you should never expect men to do this. And then eventually knowing full well that there's nothing you have to do or need to do other than talk to me, Uh, more than likely, based on what you're sharing, recommend that we do some form of interaction together. Something that gets you on your feet and helps move the energy around a little bit. Getting you in your body always seems to be more effective than just talking from my experience, especially since most of us aren't even going to retain 20% of what we hear.
Speaker 1 00:50:21 This may sound a little sad, but so often when I'm watching a male partner express himself, I see his female partner tune out, but every single time I turn the attention to getting him to actually interact with and pay attention to his partner, all of a sudden her excitement gets renewed. You can see it in her face and her body. She lights up and she's ready to play. I'm guessing. Then you probably wanna know a little bit more about what these exercises might look like. I don't want to give away trade secrets, but it can start with something as simple as looking at each other on the sofa or using your hands to touch each other's legs, shoulders, arms. I actually strongly believe that it doesn't matter what you do, even though I will create the perfect interaction for you. It doesn't so much matter what you do as how you do it and how connected you are and present you are when you do it.
Speaker 1 00:51:08 It might be as simple as doing an eye contact exercise or walking over to one another across the room with a specific intention, such as to excite her or turn her on. But without kissing and without doing the usual things that you do to try to excite her. It could be a light touch or something that captivates her or gets her attention. It could be an energy that demonstrates dominance. Notice I'm not saying, Oh, just put your hand between her legs or grab a boob. This is not what gets women turned on. We wanna start to show her that you're not afraid or intimidated by her. That takes a little bit of time, and then it becomes a dance where she watches you very carefully and observes what's he going to do next. And then from here, once we have her attention and her curiosity sparked, and she's ready to be a little playful or open, this is one of those times where you could let me know, Hey, we're actually ready for something much more intense and delicious, or, let's just keep it here for now.
Speaker 1 00:52:00 I think it'll blow your mind how incredible it can be to just build excitement and layer these exercises one on top of another to keep her getting more and more and more turned on or tuned in to you. A lot of these things will likely be exercises you've never done heard of or thought of before, because most people spend a lot of time trying to talk their partner into sex, or maybe you're just not familiar with that space, that arousal actually exists in where sexual tension lives and is built. That place that women love to spend time in that space that most men are either terrified of, uncomfortable with, or spend no time in that space that men wanna hurry through and blast through so they can get right to the sex. That space is where women love to live in that excited, curious, What's gonna happen next is not being too overtly sexual, but he's doing other things that are exciting and arousing.
Speaker 1 00:52:57 Hmm, look at that. He's not obsessing over my tits or grabbing them, but he grazed over them with his fingers. He's not focused on that. I wonder what's gonna happen next. I just felt him barely touched my nipple, and that was nice. He wasn't groping me the way he usually does. Oh, he finally slowed down and isn't so grabby and jumpy. He's moving his hands slower and with intention over my body. It feels good to have him just slide his hand up my thigh or around my butt gently or firmly. God, I love the way he pushed me down the couch like that, and he took control, but he didn't jerk me around and make me feel like a rag doll. He's being present, changing his energy. I like his confidence. Now, all of these types of things, that is what leads to most women wanting to be sexual with you.
Speaker 1 00:53:45 Let's talk for a couple minutes about who closeness is good for. Who are the kinds of clients who come in to see me? A great deal of couples and singles are just professionals. They work professionally, they've got a family. Sometimes I know there's no such thing as normal, but normal singles and couples who just need help in this department. Sometimes dad works and mom stays at home. I work a lot with military couples and singles. I actually have a lot of military people who come in. There are a large amount of people who, yes, are in their early twenties and early thirties, Nothing to be ashamed about. It's not that, Oh, you're that young and you need it. A lot of people just never learned, or the chemistry is off, or there's something about the way you guys interact that isn't quite working and you wanna make it right.
Speaker 1 00:54:27 And a lot of people are just in traditional, monogamous, heterosexual relationships. I'd say that's about 70% of people who come in. Then of course, we've got couples and people who are in polyamorous relationships, open relationships, sex workers, people who do only fans or porn, or both Instagram models looking for a connection and people who have some sort of non-traditional relationship. You know, it's interesting, it's often people in this non-traditional category, the ones who have an abundance of sex or access to it, who could actually use a hug or a little bit of love and who are craving some real calm presence, connected touch or intimate interactions that don't require them to be extreme. So it's often the people who are into more extreme things who could use a little bit more soothing and connection in their lives. And it's also true that people who are in the first category, who are often a little shy or reserved, the rumors are true.
Speaker 1 00:55:21 Sometimes they have a freaky side and they wanna feel something a little more visceral or enlivening. And that's really the anatomy of what a closeness session looks like. Connection, trust, optional intimacy exercises, building on one another that you can repeat over time and repeat at home. And this way when it happens at home, it'll feel a little more natural instead of always trying to find the right moment to get things started and never knowing how to approach your partner. So much of the feedback I hear from women is men always pick the wrong time, which I do often put back in their lap and say, When would be the right time? And are you making the right time known? And how can he know when to approach you? But guys seem to love to initiate sex when she's tired, when she's busy, when she's about to go to bed or when she's in the middle of something or they finally wait until she's about to pass out exhausted from the day, and that's when he makes the move.
Speaker 1 00:56:09 So when you come in to work with me, you learn how to open her, where things like that just don't come up. So it really winds up being appropriate if not necessary to have a woman present in the room when possible. It allows you to see what actually works without having to philosophies about it. Now, this is very different than asking a woman for advice or how to date her or what you should do to be a better man. And it's very different than asking her to teach you when you come in. It's not actually her teaching you, it's me teaching you and her responding favorably or offering other suggestions. We're doing specific things to her and with her and for her to see what works and to see what gets her going. And by the way, we're also unlayering all the bad behavior and all of the things that drive her crazy and nuts that don't turn her on at home.
Speaker 1 00:56:57 In almost any given session, I'll be able to point out at least five things that men are doing that turn their partner off that I can see just in the way you interact with her, try to avoid having men come in by themselves if they're partnered, because how are you going to know how to go home and provide the right attitude, atmosphere, energy, and context, or even know if she's going to be responsive to anything that we talk about? I really need to see what kind of woman she is, how she moves and breathes and interacts. How she rejects you and moves in towards you, what excites her and what gets her going. So having a woman present allows everyone to look into their female partner's eyes and see if she's nodding, her cheeks are getting rosy, she's being responsive or zoned out if she has some stuff that we've gotta work on before getting into any of this, and do you wanna hear something remarkable?
Speaker 1 00:57:47 It's almost always the women who are more ready, more excited, more curious to step into some of these physical exercises and demos much more so than the men. The men are always questioning, Are you sure, honey, is this okay with you? Is this something you wanna do? I guess I'm okay with it if you're okay with it. And the women are like, Yeah, I'm okay with it. They want to feel sexuality, they want to feel desired. They wanna remember what that's like. So it's interesting, we always think, Oh, it's men with our high sex drives thinking about sex, wanting sex, needing sex all the time, but it's actually the women who are much more receptive to doing this stuff in session. And here's another interesting point. Sometimes after a talk only session, I'll ask a client, Well, what do you remember? What are the 10 or 15 points that we talked about today?
Speaker 1 00:58:31 And as you probably imagine, clients can only list one, two, or three things. And then sometimes the way they'll recite them back, it'll be extremely vague or general. Mm, try a little harder, be more proactive, try to do more foreplay. And I would never ever give such bland advice never in my life, which is why I find it so ineffective when men come in by themselves because they take this very bland and general interpretation back home, and then the wife either barely notices or wonders what the heck he's doing. Sometimes I can't believe my ears, I'm hearing things that I would've never said, even though I've been extremely specific and detail oriented with all of my coaching. So the doing it makes all the difference, and I really don't think that should come as a surprise to anyone. And I'll share one more fun little piece of news here.
Speaker 1 00:59:14 I don't wanna set a precedent or unrealistic expectation, but sometimes we can get such good results from one session that we managed to clear up almost everything that was getting in the way of you both being intimate. Sometimes a woman comes in wanting to learn more about herself, and it's the same story. There's such a dramatic shift that going forward, she's a different person. She feels more open and receptive and knows her body better. I'm not a magician, but I am very good at what I do. I'm very methodical about it. I'm very present. I just find that some people need a little tweak or a little unlocking, and doing this has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. But the way it'll impact your relationship is just it's hard to put into words what a dramatic shift you can experience. So sometimes I get results in as little as one session.
Speaker 1 00:59:58 Other times it seems like it's about two to six sessions. And then finally, sometimes I have long term clients who come in once every two weeks or once every month just to brush up and learn new skills. If you've got something a little more complicated going on, sometimes we'll see each other regularly and long term to keep working and working towards your desired goal. So staying long term doesn't mean something's wrong. Some people just take a little longer to implement, and some people do it just for the joy of growing and learning more. You don't take one yoga class, you don't take one karate class, you build over time. Almost everyone will walk away with a new toolbox on how to take action and how to specifically interact with their partner in a way that is more exciting by a long shot. I'll even give you things to do the moment you walk out the door on the car ride home.
Speaker 1 01:00:45 I think one of the most exciting reasons to come in is when one partner gets to see the other partner excited and aroused and turned on, especially when that's the woman. Men take a lot of pleasure in that, and we do that in a way that he usually hasn't seen in a long time or maybe hasn't seen before. You really bring that aspect of her out. And then for women to be able to feel that way, to be able to know, Oh, it is possible with this man, or I can get this kind of a result with this guy, it can be really awesome to see your female partner, relaxed, curious, playful, turned on ready for more. He know as wild as it may sound, some couples haven't seen their partner like that in months or years. Well, as I've said in so many episodes before, are you ready to come closer?
Speaker 1 01:01:27 Well, let's get started To do that, one option is to simply schedule an appointment and come in, or you can also fill out an intake form, which is on crave closeness.com/intake. Every single field, except for your contact information is optional and the entire form is optional, but a lot of people find it cathartic and helpful to clarify what they're looking for. And then you're also welcome to text me with any questions or comments as we wind this episode down. I wanna talk for a minute about demographics because I get a lot of questions about that. Every once in a while I'll get a little feedback from the podcast where someone will say, Well, it sounds very heteronormative, or that it really focuses on heterosexual interactions, and there is some truth to that. I do speak about the subjects that I know best and that I'm most familiar with and that I've had the most experience with personally.
Speaker 1 01:02:14 But interestingly, there's an enormous amount of carryover into homosexual and non-traditional relationships as well. And so even though I do use a lot of words like men and women, that's not the case. If you come in as a same sex partnership or a non-binary partnership, I embrace and welcome into the office the entire lgbtq plus community. And the answer is yes. I do a lot of work with gay and lesbian couples as well as gay and lesbian singles. All colors of the rainbow are welcome and I've got an enormous amount of experience working with diversity. You might be someone of a certain heritage or ethnicity asking yourself if I'm right for you. And the answer is, I certainly think so. To give you an idea, in any given month, I've probably got somewhere between three to 10 black couples, three to 10 Asian couples, and of course, sometimes it's biracial.
Speaker 1 01:03:03 I've actually also got an unusual amount of Indian couples as well, like who were born in India. Sometimes people come in because they want advice on opening up their relationship, getting into something polyamorous or open. Maybe they just want something custom and creative, and I help with all of that. I've also had a surprising amount of experience with people who are involved in or want to be involved in a cut cold type setup or simply a situation where their partner wants to watch their partner have sex with someone else. I've got a lot of Spanish speaking clients. I'm actually fluent in Spanish and Italian. I speak a tiny bit of Russian and French, especially with Spanish and Italian. It really helps with the cultural aspect or lightning, the tone in the room playing with a little dos and thedo or just enjoying ourselves with a little Spanglish.
Speaker 1 01:03:46 We actually can wind up having a lot of fun together. And then finally, we have the couples who come in to see me as their last ditch effort, the often and checkoff code red emergency on their intake form. For me, a last ditch effort means that if this doesn't work, then they're done. And I don't know if that means they're giving it one hour or five hours or 10 hours. So I've gotta make sure that that first hour or two is extremely impactful and effective. My company name is, after all closeness. I love bringing people together. I love seeing couples who are happy and smiling, who have renewed the love that they have together no matter what age. I get couples who are in their twenties, thirties, forties, even up to their seventies. But there are some times where I've gotta give my professional opinion or feedback as to whether I think the relationship is sustainable or not.
Speaker 1 01:04:33 Usually this is a question that I'm requested to answer, and sometimes given this enormous list of betrayals or breaking of trust or terrible feedback or completely mismatched personalities or sex drives, sometimes a relationship may not endure the test of time or it's not gonna have longevity. It needs to be appreciated for what it was, and sometimes it's time to move on. I am certainly not here to break you up, but I will give you my professional opinion if it does seem like the relationship is toxic or unhealthy. I don't have an agenda, but I'm big on doing what's right for both of you and finding out your truth. Now, the interesting thing is on rare occasion, you may not get the ideal feedback you want to hear, but if you want to be supported through it anyway, I can do that without bias and give you you the exact same tools you need to work it out and stay together, but for your own peace of mind.
Speaker 1 01:05:22 I am rarely recommending that couples break up or rarely suggesting that there needs to be a change of that nature. Usually when that happens, one or both partners are already feeling that way, they're already leaning in that direction, and they kind of just want the extra nudge for it. Most of the time. I take great pleasure in helping you both stay together. A lot of couples who I work with have either very strongly or marginally mismatched sex drives, and I offer full support through all of that. In fact, I would even say a great number of people who come in are dealing with a mismatched sex drive issue. And then lastly, if it wasn't clear, I do offer support through all styles of relationships,
Speaker 0 01:05:58 Traditional, monogamous, non-monogamous, emotionally non-monogamous, something unique and custom. I've got a lot of experience with this, and I'm very good at laying out all of the options and answering all the questions that go along with some of these different lifestyles. Being able to workshop these ideas and explore them in the office saves a lot of time and energy, pain and frustration of trying to do it on your own or even trying the lifestyle and then having it backfire.
Speaker 1 01:06:25 And finally, just a word on my communication style and how we get to interact with each other between sessions, it might be a little different than what you're used to. It's often the case that I hear from a female partner first to answer some questions, to schedule something or because she just wants to learn more. Sometimes they just reach out for information. Other times they want to come in first by themselves and they pay the deposit to do so. This probably happens somewhere between 40 to 70% of the time. If the female partners reaching out first, it follows that she winds up being the person who I'm in touch with for follow-ups, communications, scheduling and all of that. It's not intentional, but this can look like text messages being exchanged, voice notes being exchanged, even some calls back and forth to touch base on how things are going. As most of you know, women tend to be more communicative in this subject. I've also found that a lot of people don't like group texts or messages dinging and dinging in the same house, so I keep it to one phone. But
Speaker 0 01:07:18 This also winds up being useful because as I was mentioning earlier, it's usually the woman who knows if the relationship is moving in the right direction or if things are really opening up in the way that's attractive for both people. It's how we figure out is what we're doing in session working. Oftentimes, I hear from the man, Oh yeah, we're doing pretty good. I've been working on it. I've been trying a thing or
Speaker 1 01:07:40 Two, and she hasn't even noticed any of the change
Speaker 0 01:07:42 Yet. But when a woman says, Oh my God, you've saved our marriage. Thank you so much. Everything's changed. I know I've done my job.
Speaker 1 01:07:50 That being said, I really do care about everyone's experience, not just hers, and not just the person who reached out, not the person who's crying more or who's hurting more. I care about everyone
Speaker 0 01:08:01 Involved. But when it comes down to the specific subject around seducing her, getting her excited or more wet or more turned on, or feeling more comfortable or even feeling safe to open up to you,
Speaker 1 01:08:11 It's often very useful to hear her feedback. And then finally, it may come as a surprise, but you're actually allowed to stay in touch with me. You're allowed to follow up. I know in today's day and age, you really want to know who you're working with. So you're welcome to follow my personal social media and realize I'm a real person, someone who's an acrobat, a dancer, a chef, someone who loves to do interior design if you can't tell from the office. So I do my absolute best to just keep things cool. I'm a fan of open, clear communication on everyone's part. Sometimes I'll follow up with a client 2, 3, 5 years later and discover that things are still going incredibly well. I want you to know that I'm extremely connected to my work, and I do feel like I'm making an incredible impact in the world.
Speaker 1 01:08:52 So thank you so much for your time, your energy, your trust, all the time you took to listen to this episode, and I look forward to working with you and meeting you very soon. Thank you for listening. You can listen to The Closeness podcast absolutely everywhere. Podcast can be found or by following us on YouTube at youtube.com/closeness. You can follow Crave Closeness on Instagram, or you can also enjoy my personal Instagram, which is elegant acro. If you're ready to come in for your first session, please visit crave closeness.com/intake to get started. Once again, my name is Tar and I look forward to seeing you in person.
