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[00:00:33] Closeness now, are you ready to come closer? Let's get started. Madame Zimisieu Ojodri Javeu Zapon de Mojades Duzie Empati welcome back to part two of how to Properly go down on a woman. In the first part of this series, we spoke a lot about deep listening and how to really tune into your partner in a lot of profound ways that she can appreciate. This episode can be enjoyed by both men and women, and I would strongly recommend that you and your partner listen to it together. In fact, we're going to start off this episode by speaking directly to women. Everywhere I look, there seems to be such a big stigma around talking during sex or breaking a moment. There's a reticence to express what you need or describe what you're feeling in the moment that it's happening to you, and perhaps that's at the risk of embarrassment or being too shy to speak up or thinking that you shouldn't. But I'd like to stress just how important it is to actually communicate with your words in addition to body language, especially if you're just starting something new with someone. You hear me talk a lot about starting something new or when you're having sex with someone for the first time. And that doesn't mean that if you're with someone, this doesn't apply to you. We just have to be extra careful in today's society, because a lot of people steamroll their partner or don't understand subtle signals that can get them in trouble. But when you've been with someone for a long time and you think you know them, it's still equally as important to find ways to communicate verbally. In fact, sometimes even more so because someone has been dealing with not getting their needs met year after year, moment after moment. And often people just get in the habit of the status quo. We talked about this a little bit in the last podcast about how men just don't know. We don't have your parts. We don't feel what you feel. We don't experience what you experience. We just love it like we love it. Try to treat it how you treat it, and we touch it like you touch it. We don't see it how you see it. So we eat it like we eat it, and we leave it how we leave it. All this to say there's nothing happening, usually for, for us on the inside.
[00:02:32] How can someone who's of a different, you can say species or gender really know specifically what's going on with you? We don't. We have to learn. Even the most dexterous among us in the arena of Cunningus, we're often taking what we know from past experiences and what we've learned from other women. We're often using what has been proven to be effective. But as you know, and as you've probably said to many, many men, you are unique. You're not like all those other girls. I'm not like all those other girls. That's what you love to say, right? You don't taste like those other girls. You don't move like those other girls. And your body doesn't respond like all those other girls. Remember how much you want to distinguish yourself from every other woman. Remember just how different that you think you are when you're talking to someone new about your personality, what you're like or what you're like on the inside. And with that idea present in your mind, maybe we can be a little more understanding and patient with men who try things that don't work for you, or who hope to please you but aren't quite getting it right, or who, frankly, just don't know. You can use it as a wonderful opportunity to show them, teach them, tell them. And it doesn't have to be right before it happens or during. You can talk about it right before you do it so that when that moment comes, you don't lose it. Even if we're just talking about your sensitivity level on your clit. Some women can barely stand a breath, the tiniest, tiniest little brush of the tongue. While with other women, you can go to town. You can suck on their clit as firmly as you might suck on their nipple or even their neck. So if you want to feel special and you want to feel unique, know that your body works the same way. It's different with every woman. Generally speaking, if you stimulate someone's body part in just the right way, an orgasm is likely to ensue. But the technique, the way you like it, the buildup, what's exciting to you is extremely important to communicate to your partner. So, for example, can you communicate that he's going too soft or too firm, too slow or too fast? Is there a region on your clit that you like to have stimulated even more, such as the 07:00 position?
[00:04:47] Do you prefer that he licks you over your clitoral hood versus directly on your clit? Or both? But just starting with one first, do you not want him to go anywhere near the area, and you prefer having his tongue on the inside? Do you love excess amounts of teasing? Do you like a really slow buildup? Or are you a little bit more masculine and you like your partner to just get down to it? What about your thighs and your legs? Do you like to be face down, sitting on his face on your back? All of this can be done with little verbal requests. It can be done with you simply moving in the position that you want to be in. It can be done by gently guiding his head or his body where you'd like him to be. And it can be done with patience and playfulness. What about fingers? Yes or no? Would you like to put his hand where it would be more helpful? One finger or two? A dry finger or a wet finger? A lot of firm thrusting, gentle pulsing or a come hither motion? A lot of saliva or a little we're never going to know what it's like to be you and what it feels like for you on the inside. When it comes to communication during sex, or oral sex, or anything for that matter, it's really important to remember the golden rule. Men are not mind readers, and neither are you, frankly. Regardless of how attuned you may find your female intuition to be, you simply don't know or always know what someone else is thinking or feeling. And this one simple fact alone is enough for you to regularly, directly, and clearly use your words.
[00:06:16] Now that being said, and to be fair, there's nothing quite like having your partner read you and know exactly what you want. You're going to hear a lot about this in this episode. Deep listening, all the stuff we've been speaking about. It's a wonderful gift to give to your partner, but it really shouldn't ever be expected.
[00:06:36] One of my favorite girlfriends used to say to me, you always know, it used to make me feel so good. And I think she loved it as well to know that I was so tuned into her that for the most part, I was really often able to know exactly what she likes and how she likes it. That's where the deep listening comes in but as with everything, that type of ability builds with time, trust, communication, love, respect. And it takes an enormous amount of focus.
[00:07:02] You see, an expectation when it doesn't get met, leads to disappointment and can often lead to resentment as well. So this bears saying again, in a different way. As women, you often expect your man to know exactly what you like, and you don't even want to talk about it. Not only that, sometimes you don't even know what you like, and you expect us to figure it out for you. But if you don't even know what you really like, why would it be our responsibility? Isn't that a tall order, to pass on the responsibility to us? It's a pitfall. And frankly, it's almost anatomically impossible because your body is made physiologically. Your neurology, your physiology and your anatomy is actually made a little bit differently. So, for example, each and every one of you has a very different clit size. You have a very different clitoral hood shape. Even the location and position, how high up it is, how far down it is, how it presents to the world, all of that, very, very different. Even your own nerve endings are not excluded from that. So you've got different shaped vulvas, different shaped lips, and even a different level of viscosity, if you can imagine. That's right. The texture, the feel, your actual wetness or come actually feels and looks different. We've got different degrees of tightness and depth, different places of where your G spot actually is different sponginess levels, different tastes, different terrain, very different sensations on the inside, very different likes or dislikes when it comes to pressure. On top of all of this, when it comes to what you actually like, we've got a huge percentage of women who just want to be pounded in the most literal way. You can take that. I'm not kidding when I say that for many women, you can use an incredible amount of pressure. When you're rubbing on or caressing or licking their clit, it almost seems like sometimes it's never hard or firm enough. Sometimes it feels like you're giving their clit a deep tissue massage. And sometimes you can barely, barely touch it without sending them through the roof. And then, of course, we've got everything in between. These are just the two extreme ends of sensitivity. And we also have to factor in trauma, negative or unsavory experiences that have happened to women over the course of their lives. If someone's been violated before, then you have strong associations about what it means for someone to touch you or kiss you there and how willing or not willing you are to go there as men or as a partner of a woman. We have to be extremely sensitive to this. We can't change it. We can't know all of it. We can't understand it fully, but we can be sensitive to it. Then on the other end of the spectrum, on the other side of trauma, we have women where anything goes. And in fact, these two can be women who have experienced trauma or not. But their relationship with sex and oral sex is very different. They will say, you can do anything to them, the wilder, the better. The more intense or extreme, the better for them. So hopefully, in hearing all of this, it makes sense to you that it doesn't make any sense for a man to know exactly what you like. How can he possibly know when the spectrum is so large, the pitfalls are so many, and there's also a lot of danger around doing the wrong thing to someone who's really just not into that, whatever that is.
[00:10:13] For many men, it's going to be impossible without you telling him or you sharing something first. And sure, I'm sure, for thousands of years, sitting there in silence or moaning really loudly is a pretty decent indicator of maybe what you like or don't like, but you're missing out on so much more. There's really nothing like a woman who can ask for what she wants. Can you go a little bit to the left?
[00:10:38] Almost. Just down a little bit. Okay. A little softer. Something that lets us know that we're pleasuring you in the right way. Isn't that intuitive to you? Telling us all the things that actually work for you so that we can do a better job when we want to please you to begin with, for people who are involved in long term commitments or relationships, there's a technique I like to use with all of my clients called workshopping it. Workshopping, an experience you both would like to share together to create a mutually desirable outcome, is a fantastic way to have some fun in the bedroom. The idea is to make whatever your goal is into a game, an exercise, or something fun that the two of you can play with and explore together in a safe space with communication, respect, and presence. So to take an example, I don't know, let's say eating out, and your partner isn't quite sure what you like, and you're not quite sure what you like. So you say, okay, you're going to lay down on your back, I'm going to go down, I'm going to try out some stuff, and we're going to talk about it and figure out what you like without the pressure of it having to be something hot, wild, sexy, and passionate. You're just workshopping it. And you could do it as much as you'd like until you're ready to have the actual experience. Plus, chances are it's going to turn into something delicious anyway. And then you start verbally, orally languaging things. How about this? Do you like that? Does that taste good? A little higher? A little lower. To the right? To the left? Firmer, softer, quicker, hotter, wetter. Now, you're obviously going to take time with this. You're not going to rush through it as quickly as I'm doing it here in the podcast, but you get the idea. You're going to gently ease into each new step until.
[00:12:19] There we go. You're figuring it out together. You're making it a light, stress free, drama free workshop where you're really dialing in to the other person's pleasure so that you can make them feel really good. You do this a handful of times, and then you get into some really, really good sex together. So the rules are, it's a nonjudgmental space. There doesn't have to be a particular outcome. Having an orgasm or getting to a particular place isn't necessary. You're just trying to figure out what feels really, really good for one another. If it all still feels a little daunting to you, there's ways to explore this stuff together with someone else present or mediating or helping or assisting in a loving, connected way. That would be me, by the way. That makes everyone feel safe, and everyone feel a little bit more comfortable in asking for what they need. So, getting closeness, coaching around this subject does not mean taking off your clothes. It doesn't mean that someone else is demonstrating on your partner. But there's ways to go about it where everyone feels safe, everyone's learning, everyone's having fun, and then you get to take what you've learned home with you and go apply it right away. It's a win win.
[00:13:27] So speaking of which, and for those of you who are listening and not here with me in person, how can you actually ask for what you want in an intimate or sexual situation? Here's a nice little list for you to explore. Will you use your fingers? Can you put one finger inside of me? Can you put two or three in? Please don't go so deep. Can you just lick the outside without using your fingers? Can you go a little higher? Can you not be so intense on my clit? Can you work around my clitoro? Hood a little bit. Can you tongue fuck me? There's so much that you can play with to get to know your partner. And when you have a night that you can actually workshop something. These aren't throwaway sessions. They're not meaningless. These are some of the most valuable learning experiences you can have. It may not be as hot, it may not be the biggest turn on in the world, but for your future, there's no better way.
[00:14:21] Now, the trick is twofold. Men, once you figure it out, don't only use this skill for the rest of your life and only do the one thing that you figured out works. You got to switch it up once in a while. For women, once you've been able to share what you want, now you can really relax into yourself. You can really give yourself the ability to unwind and let him explore, knowing that you have trust in what he or she is doing to you.
[00:14:47] We've been spending a lot of time talking about trust and how important it is for her to be able to feel trust for you. At the same time, it is also possible to encounter a woman who you've never met before and know nothing about. And in short order, discover what she likes, what turns her on, and what makes her spill over into a roaring orgasm. I would call that instant trust. And it is possible to give that to someone and to also offer that to someone. And it comes with, of course, practicing closeness, signature deep listening. How would you go about something like that, you might be asking? Well, one of the surefire ways to do that is to always start slow and then gradually, bit by bit, work your way up with more pressure, more exploration and more intensity. You never want to dive in full throttle and full force when it comes to eating a girl out. Why? Because you can't go back from that. You can't rattle someone up, shake up their nerves, get them all anxious, and then dial them back with a lot of ease. It can be done, but it takes more time and you risk violating trust right away. So while you'll hear me continuously say in these episodes, yes, with someone who's really attracted to you, you can part her legs, dive down there and just start licking and eating away. But there's a way, there's a way that works in a way that can be a little overwhelming. It's worth thinking about that it's very difficult to recover from losing trust or decreasing trust. Or once you've lost trust with someone to build it back up, it takes a really long time. So even though many women love healthy aggression, healthy dominance. They like when a man takes them. They want to feel his passion. You have to understand the confines and the container within which that can happen. And that largely depends on what your woman is open to, receptive to, her vulnerability, her feelings. You have to know her, or you have to be able to read her. And it's not always with the same intensity that you might think. All of this to say that trust is established by moving slow. At the same time, you want to maintain your masculinity, your confidence, your directionality, your purpose, your ability to healthily be assertive. You never want to diminish yourself or diminish who you are, but you're sensitive to her needs at the same time.
[00:17:14] Finally, before we move on from here, the funny thing about all this is even if a woman listens to this podcast, even if she hears it, and yeah, I totally agree with Tari, I definitely don't think a man should be a mind reader. That makes perfect sense. It's not fair. It's like a lose lose situation, even if she agrees to workshop it with you on multiple occasions. Still, and nevertheless, I firmly believe that almost all women would prefer having you, as the man or as the other partner, know. She'd prefer for you to know without her having to say it. And yes, I perfectly understand that this flies in the face of having just said you shouldn't know. It should not be required. Women should not expect men to be mind readers. But it doesn't mean it's not wired into women, and it doesn't mean it's not almost always going to be an underlying seething desire and preference. And that's why it behooves you to learn sensitivity, deep listening, and to be as good of a deep listener as you can. Even if you both agree it shouldn't be expected, she would so much rather not have to show you, not have to teach you, just have you figure out for herself. Yes, despite me saying all the things I just said, I just want them to know. And that should be that. And whether that's right or wrong, whether that's a good thing or a bad thing to you, this is female nature.
[00:18:40] So educate yourself, research, practice, learn, and listen to some of these other episodes that are here to support you. Listen to how to properly have sex with a woman, the female sexual response cycle. Having sex with someone new for the first time before you come together again with your girl. You can even reach out and do a session with me if you feel so inspired getting advice from an outside source other than your partner really helps because you don't have to ask as much. If we're doing a closeness coaching session and you get all the questions out that you want to ask now, you don't sound so, for lack of a better phrase, boyish when dealing with something really sexual and passionate for her. If she has a difficult time communicating or doesn't know what she likes or workshopping isn't going so well. Having lots of tools under your belt to try and attempt from our sessions together can be incredibly transformational and powerful. Ah. And how could I not add this last part? Sex works better for men and women when both partners have a certain level of previous experience. It's good to have experiences. It's good to build on them. And that is doubly as important for a man. It's so important for a man to know what he's doing sexually and intimately so that. And men, this often doesn't make sense for you, but so that a woman can relax. This is almost instinctive for any woman to say they want a man to know so that she can relax. And what that means is she doesn't have to think, she doesn't have to worry, she doesn't have to do, she doesn't have to stress. She can just receive pleasure. Now, don't we all love to just relax and receive pleasure? Absolutely. But there's something about the feminine that really, really seems to crave this. But then here's the double edged sword. Here's what's not fair. And then women. Here's where you cheat by playing both sides. Then you ask the question to your man who has learned how to pleasure you, who's really good at making you come, and you want to ask, how many women have you been with? Why are you so good at this?
[00:20:44] Is this how you are with all the ladies? Do women tell you no? Do you always get what you want? Why are you so good at this, women? Do you really want to hear the answer to those questions? How Do I know that you're not doing this with everyone else? And how do I know that I'm special? Well, honey, you can't have your cake and eat it, too. Sometimes you can, but not this time. If you want to be with a man who's dexterous, sensitive, understanding, and he knows how to turn you out like a champ, then you don't get to be deliciously satisfied. A wet puddle lying there on the sheets, and at the same time be frustrated that he might have done this to other women or has done this a lot, or has had a lot of practice to be able to give you the very pleasure that's allowing you to marinate where you are right now. Get it? Good. All right, moving right along. There are always things that people do that for the most part, a woman just isn't going to like when you do it. We spoke a lot about that in the last episode, and we're going to speak a little bit more about that now. For starters. Number one, there is almost never a need to blow down there. Like literally blow down there. Here are a few more. It would be beneficial for you to learn more than just spelling the alphabet with your tongue and to be a little bit more creative than that. Rushing or trying to get through it will never serve you well. It's never smart to be heavy handed. In other words, too rough or too forceful with your hands or mouth. We spoke in the last episode at length about good oral and hand hygiene, which is always going to be important. Let's talk for a moment about doing anything for an extremely short amount of time, like 510 or 15 seconds. If you're down on a girl and you touch or lick her clit for a few seconds before switching it up or before you assume that she doesn't like it, how are you going to know if that worked, if she liked it, if it caused any kind of a response? If a girl takes two or three licks on you, she's just like, are you going to for sure know that's the stroke that you like? Of course not. And if she did like it, why would you stop? But if you do it so quickly, just rubbing on it for a quick moment, or you lick there for a second and then lick somewhere else already, you know it's going to take a woman two to ten times longer than it takes you to have an orgasm. You got to stick with it for a moment. But don't think that women are off the hook either. Ladies, you do this as well, where you take, like, one or two tastes or one or two strokes, or you just kind of rub your hand down there for a second, that really amounts to practically nothing. So I think we all can stand to remember that sometimes a smooth, continuous, repetitive, thorough stroke can really get you there. One of the easiest ways to feel empathy for someone is to put yourself in their shoes. If you don't want it done to you, don't do it to them. It's here in these moments that taking your time is the right answer. Exploring and being curious, having an endless sense of curiosity is what can often do the trick. When you're trying something new and you're not getting a negative response. It's important to give it time to have patience, to savor the moment. Try sucking or licking for 30 45 seconds, a minute or two or three. Even pay attention to what kind of feedback you're getting. Is she present? Is she purring, moaning softly? Are her legs trying to clamp around you or push you out? Is she looking at you, or are her eyes closed? Is her face frowning? Or does she look soft, delicate and receptive? Is she in a heightened state of arousal? Is she breathing softly or heavily or panting? Has her chest flushed red? Every once in a while, it is nice to ask, do you like this? Does that feel good? Do you want something different?
[00:24:20] How do you feel? Because sometimes a squirming around isn't a sign of not liking it or not wanting it, though it can be. It can also be a sign of intensity or something that tickles or something that's so intense that it's hard for her to take, even though it feels really good.
[00:24:35] I grew up thinking that women are the ones who are supposed to be able to share more, able to open up more, let you know what their feelings are, express themselves more fluidly. Ho ho. Was I wrong? The more mature I get, the more I realize how far that is from the truth, how difficult it can be for a woman to share what she's really feeling or to really open up. It takes a lot of trust, comfort and vulnerability.
[00:24:58] So then, along the lines of helping her to open up, simple questions that she can answer are helpful, especially since oftentimes women don't speak English very well when they're really turned on, it's likely she's not going to say, yes, please lick at 02:00 on the upper right hand quadrant of my clitoris. That's where I like it best. So if she's not that specific, you can always try giving her two options to choose from. Slower or faster, softer or firmer, more intense or less intense. Things that don't require too much thinking, but allow her to stay focused on the matter at hand. I mean, the matter at mouth. For me, a lot of deep listening has to do with your perspective and mentality going in to things and also the way you handle yourself during very intimate moments like this. For instance, I never look at oral sex as a favor or a preliminary to get into having sex. It's not something that I need to do or should do or ought to do, and it's definitely not something that I need to get over with so that I could just begin to have sex with someone. For me, it's a little more like a buffet or a feast or a main event. And for it to be that way, for you to be able to experience that with a woman, you need to feel a strong level of attraction to all sorts of things. Her grooming habits, the way she smells, the way she carries herself, the way her body looks. You should like all of it, because already a woman is very self conscious about the way she looks to begin with. So if you're not fully into her, it's just not going to work very well.
[00:26:28] But if you do love it, if you do love the way she tastes, if you love to look up in her eyes while you're giving her kisses, if you love to ravish her, if you enjoy making her feel so open, making her want to give herself to you, if you love to taste her essence, what she's made of, if you enjoy coming up and giving her a kiss so that she also knows what she tastes like, things can get very hot and very provocative. So a lot of this is about giving her all the time and space in the world with patience and presence. What's the opposite of that? What do you want to avoid rushing? It's not even a thought. There's no pressure to orgasm, there's no pressure to pretend, and there's no hurry to get there. You want each taste and lick and tongue stroke to bring her to a new place of pleasure. Is it one, two, three fingers, or none at all? Is it just the tip of them? Is it softly kissing her clit first and then working a finger or two in, or the other way around? Is it a G spot orgasm that she likes, or something further up and more penetrative? Is it something that's very, very soft and delicate? Or is it more intense? Some women love to have their clit softly sucked on while you finger them firmly and strongly, and some women love to have their clit sucked on while you don't touch them at all on the inside. You could keep your hands either to yourself or somewhere else on their beautiful body.
[00:27:54] Women have even shared with me that the way they enjoy having a man eat them out is very different than the way they enjoy a woman doing it. For example. And along the lines of everything we talk about in this podcast, when a man's down there, she often wants him to be more certain, more decisive, maybe a little more aggressive. Whereas if a woman is doing it, she wants to experience her being a little more gentle, soft and feminine, almost timid. And glancing up shyly at her. She wants a man to also use his fingers, but a woman to only use her mouth and tongue. One woman expressed that her preference when it comes to a woman is she'd like her to almost be looking up at her, asking, Is this okay? Can I do this to you? That sense of being timid or shy or nervous is a big turn on if a woman's doing it, but not so much if a man's doing it. Oftentimes a woman wants to be swallowed in that soft feminine energy that's so similar to hers. Hearing that really emphasizes and drives the point home that keeping and retaining our masculinity, our strength, decisiveness, directionality, and our healthy forms of dominance is what women report to like and love the most.
[00:29:06] Being an exceptional deep listener means being able to recognize when the emotional climate changes. And if a no comes up, sometimes even in the middle of a great experience, the same rules apply. Still no means no. Still a no has to be honored. And that could be very tricky for men who are new to this, to navigate where you might assume that simply because you've started doing something with a woman, or to a woman, and she's enjoying it and doing it with you, that in any moment, especially in today's climate, that can all change.
[00:29:34] So the work here for men then becomes very challenging, because on the one hand, you both probably want to stay turned on and connected and hard when applicable. But also at the same time, something could shift or change on a moment's notice. And how do we handle ourselves in those situations? How can you still have a great night if a roadblock or a no comes up? Sometimes you're not able to save it, and we have to navigate and figure out the safest way to bring things to a close.
[00:30:00] As an aside, this can actually also happen to a man where suddenly he's just not in the mood to have sex. I think far fewer men tune into that or listen to that, or I think it can actually get steamrolled by a horny woman as well. But it really does fall on both people to have tact, empathy, communication. When you're talking about something you need, that's a boundary and it's time to stop. It's very easy, especially when we're talking about this subject, to make the whole thing only about her. And for the most part, that's understandable. And I think that's true. If you are a woman and you're in a situation with someone where you're not sure how far you want things to go, then it really is best to just not have it go that far. You can stick with kissing, cuddling, or whatever type of intimacy you're sharing beforehand, so you can have a great experience all the way up until the time when you leave and you can feel good about it the next day. As you know by now, I'm a big proponent of putting yourself in someone else's shoes. It really does take two, and I don't think there's anyone on the planet who doesn't appreciate someone who considers their partner's feelings as well as just their own.
[00:31:06] Through my own personal experiences in life, I've found it to be the case that women do deeply, deeply enjoy receiving oral sex. But at the same time, that doesn't make it the easiest thing in the world to receive. It can actually be a big ask for a woman to feel 100% comfortable lying there on her back, exposed, with her legs wide open and you in between them. And henceforth, a brief talk about yours or her personal environment. What kinds of things can you do to enhance the environment that make it more conducive for her to feel safe and relax?
[00:31:41] You can play with lighting, mood lighting, candles. You can have pillows for her to relax into or even be propped up on to make her more comfortable. Sometimes women like to bury their hands or face or body into a pillow or blanket while they're having sex or receiving something because it's so intense or they're super shy about it. You can light candles, beautiful soft sheets, things that make the experience easy and comfortable. Setting a mood with ambiance can really make or break a moment. Sometimes it can be something as simple as drawing the blinds closed softly, even if no one has the ability to see in because you're up on a mountain.
[00:32:20] It reminds me of this time I lived in the Hollywood hills and I had this incredible panoramic view of the city from the master bedroom. Rest assured, when I tell you no one is staring up from ground level through the bedroom window. The closest thing you can see is like 10 miles away in the distance. So twenty four seven. I would always leave the drapes and blinds open because the view was stunning and even at night the whole city would light up and it was quite a sight to look out onto. But every once in a while, a girl would come over and say, don't we want to close the blinds? Shouldn't we shut the drapes and close ourselves in? And even though logically there is 100% no need for that for her, it gave her a sense of safety or warmth or being in a bubble, a nice sense of security so she can relax and enjoy what's happening to her. So it's a thing to consider that a woman's comfort level is possibly very different than yours. In fact, it could be staggeringly different, where you might be completely at ease and completely comfortable. There might just be a few simple steps you can take that can make all the difference in the world.
[00:33:22] And I do like to include the fact that this can go both ways. So, women, you can be conscientious of the fact that if you like to do it in the dark only. For exAmple, like the pitch, pitch dark, he has no idea what you look like. You might as well be anyone while he's thrusting away. And so it's worth knowing. Like, there's reasons why guys like to look at you or like to see you. It actually has to do with connecting with you specifically versus fantasizing about someone else. Men are so visual. We love looking at you and admiring you. It's what turns us on most. It could really be a buzkill if you want to do it with the blackout shades and the lights out. So finding a happy medium can be really nice.
[00:34:04] Let's take a little time to discuss now how you actually talk about oral sex with your partner. The type of vocabulary and words that you use. Throughout this whole episode, I've been using different types of expressions when I refer to oral sex so that you can see how you feel when you hear it. Wording is an extremely sensitive subject. You may not be aware of it, but we're highly sensitive to the way things are phrased. There are words that make us cringe, words that we can't stand hearing, or others that turn us off in an instant, sometimes without even any reason or rationale. Heck, I think of myself as a very open minded man, and nevertheless, there are still words I can't stand when I hear them, or words that completely turn me off if a woman uses them around me intimately. So the wrong words can turn her off in a heartbeat. And at the same time, speaking about oral sex or giving her dirty talk in the right way, using descriptions that turn her on, and discovering a descriptive vocabulary that excites her can be one of the biggest turn ons in the world, much like teasing, which works better when you start on the outside and work your way towards the center. Words also have the same effect, and that's a very powerful statement. You can start on the classier side or the more general side, using words that allude to what you want to do to her or are very suggestive are always going to be more helpful than diving in and letting her know what a delicious pussy she has right off the bat.
[00:35:28] When it comes to name calling, this Particular subject is extremely subjective.
[00:35:34] I'm going to share plenty of options along with My Favorites and Preferences as well, and you may find that you agree or that you feel the Complete opposite. This reminds me, I once had a girlfriend from the Eastern Bloc who absolutely, unequivocally refused to refer to her sexual anatomy in any way, shape, or form by its actual name. It could never be a Vagina. It was never a pussy. The only tolerable word that she would accept for that was her lotus that purportedly blossomed every time it was near me, and it always had to be referred to as a divine flower. And she would actually get outright frustrated if I would refer to it as anything else.
[00:36:13] Now, here's the Interesting thing. As you get to know someone and you know how to please them and Pleasure them, you can open them up to new possibilities. So that's how she was in the Beginning, but by the End, I was actually able to call her by her name. So to My great pleasure and Surprise, a name that she had previously associated with being a Big Turnoff, namely the Word pussy. Towards the End of our Relationship, she was all in when it came to using it and would actually use it around me herself. So starting off very General, a Fun Way to tell a Girl what your intentions are might be to say, I would love to taste you. I don't want to stay in. I'm kind of feeling like eating out tonight. I'm really Curious to know what you taste like down there. I kind of want to go down. I'd love to let my lips taste your lips. I would love to turn you out twist you out turn that cherry out eat you out turn that hot little ass out. I have my own preferences as well, and I think most men and women are turned off sexually by medical terminology such as penis and vagina. I think as Mature Adults, it's fine to talk about it, especially in a Public setting. If you're referring to it or speaking about a woman's vagina, why you might be doing that publicly, I don't know, but it's certainly more appropriate to speak about it in conversation that way than some of the more derogatory or sexual or hotter terms you might use privately. For me personally, it's been a long, long road getting used to using the word penis or vagina. I don't use it in sexual situations. But even publicly, it still has such a funny sound to it to me. But sexually speaking, if I have to choose between the words penis, cock, or dick, well, I much prefer the word cock. And I think actually a lot of women do as well. For me, Dick just sounds so unattractive. Not to mention it's a nickname for Richard. I haven't heard it in a way where it sounds exciting to me. I actually find it to be almost a little disrespectful in nature. I know a lot of people don't feel that way, but I think of myself as an open minded person, and it just never sounds good when a girl's like, yeah, put your dick in me. So you're definitely going to come across women who aren't comfortable with many words, including the word cock, dick, or pussy. And then way on the other end of the spectrum, you'll come across women who are super comfortable with the word pussy, twat. And you better believe it. Even the word cunt and love to have their vagina referred to as their hot little cunt. If I had a dollar for every time a woman asked me if I liked fucking that hot little.
[00:38:40] Yep. Uncomfortable silence.
[00:38:44] Are you cringing right now? It's actually really good to sit with that. It's good to ask yourself and recognize, oof. Why can't you hear it? Why is it so hard to hear something like that? Or repulsive to you? Why specifically do you consider some words derogatory? Is it your upbringing? Did someone else use them inappropriately with you? It's just a word. And at the same time, it can be so biting, scathing, or cutting. Sometimes you can have a conversation about it, like, way beforehand, when you're out to lunch or out to dinner, you can ask a curious question like, hey, what kind of erotic words do you like? Or, what kind of words do you use for sex? Or during sex? And Then sometimes people's responses to words aren't as obvious as you'd like them to be. So a real clear example of something obvious would be a woman wincing her eyes or retracting her face or scrunching her face up tightly. But other times, a woman will really keep it to herself. She won't even squint. She'll just hear it, but find it to be a total turnoff, and you won't know. So tuning in and being able to ask confidently, how did that land on you? Do you like that word? How did you feel when I said that? What words are you comfortable with when you talk about oral sex? There is an entire spectrum of women out there who range from, do not ever say this word to me. Don't talk about it, just do it. We mustn't speak about that which must not be named. And then on the other end, you have women who love the most explicit language you could ever imagine that you would never say in public, much less private. Let me give you some examples of that right now. Just kidding. There's an old expression, what's in a name? And to that I would answer, absolutely everything.
[00:40:27] Let's move on now to a very sensitive subject. Surgeries, body alteration, any type of procedure that changes the way you look above or below. Now, nothing is more unattractive to me than a man or woman who tells another woman that she should get a boob job or some sort of enhancement to her body, especially when it's unsolicited. I'm definitely a fan of no surgery over surgery, and I want to share from a man's perspective that there's something out there for everyone. You don't need to make alterations to yourself for someone to find you beautiful or for you to love yourself. Sometimes women love teddy bear style bodies or dad bodies. Some women love hairy bodies or bald men. Other women need a man who's six foot five and towers over them with bulging muscles. And other women still want a man who's lanky and thin. You know that you have so many different specific tastes, and so likewise, there are also men who have very different tastes. And there are plenty of men who will accept you just the way you're made.
[00:41:28] Whether you think that's too wet or too dry or too shallow or too deep or too loose or too tight, or too much lips or too little lips, or too tucked in or too pronounced, whatever it is that you think you're going through, there are men out there who will eat you up. So it's really important to not alter yourself, to please another person. And at the same time, it's perfectly okay for everyone else to have their own preferences and likes. When it comes to what turns us on, it's okay for someone to say, I like skinny girls, I like fat girls, I can't stand short girls, or I can't stand tall girls, or like and dislike, hate and love. It's all sort of how we're made. We can't help but have these preferences.
[00:42:09] Preferences are what many people consider judgments, and there's a difference. Someone who says, I can't stand a girl who's dot, dot, dot is simply expressing the way they feel. It's their preference to be or not be with a person like that. And if you aren't someone's preference, you certainly have the choice to not engage with them. And I don't think. Are you ready for this one? I don't think we should engage with people who aren't our preference. Now, that may sound obvious, but it's not. Because all the time we find ourselves in relationships, in interactions, in sexual experiences, where we're with someone who isn't really our type, but they're just kind of cute, or we're kind of curious, or we're kind of horny or something led us to do it, or we've always known them and have always been curious about it. Whatever it is, don't do it if that person's not for you. I'm really on this kick about not having sex with people who you aren't very attracted to. I think it's important to have a partner or choose a partner who you have great chemistry with. You like the way they smell, you like the way they look, you like the way they taste, because otherwise it doesn't serve either one of you. It could be temporarily fulfilling, it might be satisfying for an hour or two, but I think we all know deep down that's not what we really, really want.
[00:43:25] Now, you might have noticed during this episode that I do a lot of bouncing back and forth on what you might call both sides of the subject stick, or arguing both sides. Something that's this way, but also that way demonstrating how both sides can be right. So, too, I want to give voice to the fact that there are countless women in the world who you actually don't have to be so concerned about all this stuff with. I mentioned this in the previous podcast as well. Someone who's very open minded or very loose around sex. I don't mean that in any derogatory way, just very easy going, or who loves it, or who gets turned on easily, or who can come in 30 seconds, or who's always wet, or who's always excited, or if you have a special kind of particular chemistry with her, then oftentimes you really can just lay her down, open her legs, and eat her out. And that can be an amazing experience. So I don't want you to think, after hearing two and a half hours of me talking about how to eat a girl out, that there's this rigid step by step process. And if she's not feeling 100% safe and 100% open and 100% relaxed. And all the atmosphere and everything like that is put together perfectly that she can't have a wonderful time. Not at all, not at all. It really just depends on who you're with and finding out what kind of person you're with. But as a general rule for many women in the world, they're going to obviously prefer to feel safe, sometimes more than spontaneous. They'd prefer to be in a luxurious atmosphere versus something that's run down and old, something soft and comfortable rather than a pile of burlap or hay or straw. But in either case, in order for you to deeply enjoy your experience while you're giving a woman head and for her to also have a good time, you've got to know a thing or two about positions. Let's face it, the vagina is in a very unusual and awkward position to be enjoyed as the delicacy that it is. It's not like a finger that's right there or a neck that's easy to access. In fact, speaking of necks, most people are going to pinch their necks trying to do it right. If you've ever been on a bed and just laid a girl on her back and tried to do it while you're also laying face down on the bed, you know what that's about. Your jaw might get tired. The position might get uncomfortable. Your hands and shoulders might get cramped. You got to find a more suitable and elegant way to address the subject if you're going to be doing it for a sustained amount of time. It's very easy to lay there if you're a woman. But for the man or whoever else is eating you out, you have to be a little more creative. So, a couple of suggestions, if they haven't come to you already. Number one, moving the woman to the edge of the bed and putting the man on the floor or to the edge of the sofa with you on the floor. In this way, she can bend her knees and tuck them up right up to the edge of the sofa or right on your shoulders, or tuck them up against the mattress. Or you can open her thighs and hold them back nice and open for her. And this will give her a much better viewing and sampling angle for her to enjoy. Number two, you can prop her beautifully dimpled ass up onto something, such as a couple of pillows or a couple of yoga bolsters. Folded blankets also work well, and this allows you to have everything you need right in front of you. It gives you the perfect eating position. And then if you're with someone who's confident enough or adventurous enough, you could just simply ask her to sit on your face where she can control all of her hip positions and you can effectively just lay there. Or you can put a neck pillow underneath you and tilt your head into the perfect alignment. This is by far possibly one of the most comfortable positions for everyone, but both people have to be into it.
[00:46:53] Now, of course, this isn't an exhaustive list, but acrobatically speaking, you can go down on her while she's in a headstand or a handstand, or in one of those feet up devices. She can be upside down and suspended by her thighs, or on some form of an inversion table. Or she may have a very friendly, generous girlfriend who wishes to support her up in the air by her thighs while she's face down in the straddlepike position, thus exposing her beautiful, luminous peach to the sky, making it incredibly easy for you to have a taste. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. If we're looking for something that's a little bit more tame but even more hot, is to have her get on her hands and knees. And then you can work your magic from the back, where you have a whole new set of options available to you. Then, if you feel creative the way I do, you can slide your hands underneath her butt, one underneath each cheek, and then prop her up onto your elbows, holding her in both of your hands, almost like a bicep curl, but also kind of like you're going to eat a pie at the same time, and then eat your heart out. Having the right position is crucial for a man. In fact, this is probably why men stop after only a few minutes. Women. You could suggest that he makes himself a little more comfortable or slips into a different position that might be easier on his neck. Maybe you can gently hold his head down there to demonstrate that you'd like him to stay, or to position him right where you want him. Can you use your words? Can you stay down there a few more minutes? I was really starting to enjoy that. It sounds so simple to just directly communicate what you want. That's a little rough. Can you go softer? That's a little too soft. I can't really feel it. Can you go a little firmer? Can you use two fingers? Can we use this toy? Can we use your tongue with my vibrator? Can you put this inside while you use your tongue? Simple requests like this are going to make a huge difference for you. And ladies. Hear this. You deserve, of course, to have this pleasure. It's your time. If ever. It was going to be your time. This is your time. There's absolutely nothing wrong with asking for what you want. BoTh men and women can practice asking for what they want more often. I know that for many of us, it's just hard to do. And by the way, along the lines of bouncing back and forth, I'm speaking to the people who have a hard time asking for what they want. This is not for demanding, entitled, arrogant, selfish people who always just demand what they want and think the world revolves around them. But for most people, when it comes to this sort of thing, we almost feel guilty or bad simply to say, hey, can you just slow down a little bit? Or go a little deeper or firmer, whatever the request is, because we already feel like we're obligating someone, we already feel guilty, we already feel like someone else is doing us a favor, we already feel rushed to come, or like we need to hurry up and get it done. When in fact, when else would you just be able to take your time?
[00:49:36] So it needn't be a favor. It shouldn't be a favor. It could be something that's really enjoyable for both people.
[00:49:43] And finally, remember men, 80% to 95% of women need some form of clitoral stimulation for them to reach orgasm. That means you almost need to treat their clit, their tiny little pearl, that itsy bitsy little thing like your entire cock. That's where the pleasure zone is. That's where they have most of their sensation. No matter how od that may seem to you, it's not always. In fact, it's rarely inside of them. Although. Although plenty of women have vaginal orgasms, yes, it still feels wonderful in there. And you can get them there just as easily on the inside once you understand a lot of deep listening and other closeness techniques. But obviously, when you're eating someone out, it's really important to understand the way your girl's clit works, to understand that it's not just that dot, that its reach is actually far deeper into the vagina. In fact, it's commonly accepted now that even the G spot is just a different position of the clit. And in some cases, even the nerve endings along the labia, the clitoris can extend down into there as well. Her clit also has very similar physiology to a penis. It has a shaft, a head, and it even has a hood, or what you might call foreskin to it as well. All of her parts are going to be sensitive, but you can think of her clit as a highly concentrated pleasure zone where you can also tease as well. So the more time you spend on the outside with your tongue or your lips licking or kissing or sucking around her hood before coming back to the Tootsie Roll center, that can be a wonderful thing as well. But you got to figure out, is she sensitive there or not. Some women like direct, throbbing, pulsing, sucking, licking pleasure right smack directly on her exposed clit. And for other women, that will be way, way too much stimulation. We talked earlier about some girls even having a particular area on their tiny little pearl, and that spot is where she likes it. So having your tongue there versus flat and directly on it might have more of an impact. You don't always need to hit it head on. That's not always going to be the most arousing or the most exciting thing the way it would be for a man.
[00:51:54] For such an itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, tiny little thing, there certainly are an enormous number of ways that you can explore her and devour her. With the woman you're with right now. There's likely so much uncharted territory that I hope this leaves you thirsty for days. If you're a woman on the receiving end of this, I hope you've been inspired to share what you like with your man. And if you don't know, to figure it out together or by yourself. One simple sentence goes so far towards letting us know how we can pleasure you better. And then, of course, don't forget to give back to him. Lastly, woman, I also strongly recommend getting to know your own pussy. Yeah. How did you feel when I said that? When I used that word?
[00:52:39] Hey, women. I also recommend getting to know your own vagina. Does that sound better? Is that easier to hear?
[00:52:47] So, ladies, I think it's a wonderful idea for you to get to know your own lady parts down below. What Would that look like exactly? Maybe you use a mirror. Maybe you use your cell phone, which is the easiest way you can make a video that you can delete later, see what it's like down there and check out what's what. Because the more you understand yourself, the better you can communicate what you like and need to your partner. Maybe while you're exploring things down there, what if you gave yourself a taste? What is it like to know what you taste like? Do you like it? Would you taste it? Would you spend time down there? It's really great to know what the man who's down there doing all these things to you is experiencing. Are you sweet? Is it mildly salty? Do you taste like water? While we're on the subject of self exploration. Why not acquire a toy for yourself if you don't have several already? Because as women, you understand. Part of what makes sex so enjoyable for you is the pressure, that coziness, that closing of the gap, that filling. For some women, it's nice to have something that's just still and inside of you or other women like something that's moving and vibrating and pulsing in and out, or something that's just buzzing gently. A vibrator is also an option. You can explore smooth, sculpted glass, not necessarily from Venezia or Murano, but in today's day and age, there are all sorts of enhancers and stimulators that can help get you there. There are tens of thousands of different types of toys. Whatever method you're using to experience pleasure, always remember how important it is to speak up or use your voice from time to time. Don't expect that because you twitch your toe or look in a different direction that a man should immediately know that you don't like it or should try something else. You're not always going to be with a well trained professional, so it behooves you to ask for what you like. And lastly, for goodness sake, stop faking orgasms. There are so many better ways. You can just stop doing what you're doing. You can put your hand down there, you can put your hand up. You can touch your man's chest and let him know, that's enough. You can speak the words. This isn't turning me on. We got to do something different, so many different ways than to put your body through that. You can switch positions, you can ask for something else. You can say the simple words, can we take break? But faking an orgasm? My gosh, I don't know how this ever came about as a regular occurrence for people. Many of us don't want to hurt our partner's feelings. That's what we tell ourselves. Or we feel guilty or bad, or we don't want to interrupt them, or we don't want them to get upset. And I say, so you'd rather let your body endure abuse, meaning really intimate sensations and experiences with your body that you're really not into, than to simply say, can we take a break now for a little extra kick of empathy? And to be fair, I also have done it. I have faked an orgasm or two or three over the course of my entire life. For me, I thought I had really good reasons. Typically, it's been because the girl I was with was hell bent on insisting that I come or otherwise feeling extremely insecure or concerned if I didn't. So my thinking is, if I'm not in the mood or I don't want to, that's it. That's the end of it. I don't have to justify that to anyone. But sometimes even sharing how I feel about it hasn't been enough. And girls can be a little pushy or insistent or a little butthurt about them not being able to make me come. Ladies, it's no incredible feat to make a man come. It's going to happen. Whether it's with his hand or with a toy or with you. It's not some incredible accomplishment. I think it's a great topic to wrap up this podcast with to realize that no one has to come. It doesn't have to be the goal or the end all, be all of every sexual experience. You can just have an incredibly hot or enjoyable time.
[00:56:32] It's quite a realization to know that your ego satisfaction and well being does not have to depend on someone else's orgasm. We've all been there, am I right, girls? Nowadays I find it's easy to change the subJect, the environment, the position, to simply stop, to express how I'm feeling, to talk about what's going on for me or share the type of practice or lifestyle that I'm living now. And so too for you. Ladies, there are things you can say, I'm fine, or if you want him to come, go ahead and finish up. I don't mind if you come and I don't. Or this was a really wonderful experience, but I don't think it's going to happen today, so let's just cuddle up. Or maybe you don't actually want to stop. Maybe what you really need is a different position, a different angle. You want to ride the top. You need something more aggressive, or strong, or intense, or soft and gentle and delicate. Or maybe you just need to introduce him to your new vibrating friend. Anything but faking it until you make it. This is one of the few areas in life where I do feel that fake it until you make it does not apply. And lastly, as you've heard over and over through these last two episodes, remember that nothing quite works its magic on a woman the way teasing her out does. You really can't get enough of this. Well, she can't get enough of this. You will sooner get tired of teasing her than she will be tired of being teased. It's not for every woman, but it is a golden rule that you can apply to most. And similarly, I've done some teasing myself with you on this program through 2 hours of talking about oral sex. And yet we've only arrived at the tip of the iceberg of Techniques, maneuvers, specific things you can do to really send her over the edge. Today we laid the appropriate groundwork, a strong and powerful baseline, a foundation for giving a woman great oral sex. And now it's time to take it to the next level. If you'd like to get into those types of specifics after you've listened to these episodes, you want to work with me personally, one on one or two on one? Contact me on getcloseness.com to get started with some closeness Coaching and listen. If she's experiencing extraordinary pleasure and her orgasms are through the roof and she can't stop talking about the new way that you're pleasuring her, why not consider donating to my
[email protected] closeness. You can also make a one time contribution to our Venmo, which is at closeness. And at the very least, don't forget to, like, comment or subscribe anywhere on our YouTube channel on forward slash Closeness. Or you can leave us a great review on Yelp, iTunes or Facebook so there's plenty of places to participate or contribute. All of these links can be found in the description. And until next time, stay close, my friends.
