[00:00:00] Speaker A: Welcome to the Closeness podcast, your new sexual education. My name is Tari. I'm your host and in today's episode I'm going to give you a balanced perspective around the idea of dating a single mother. 20 different concepts and ideas to think about, as well as plenty of material for both men and women to enjoy. It's not dating advice per se, nor is it a criticism or critique of doing so, but think of it more as your toolkit, something everyone should know if you're thinking about or are stepping into a dynamic like this.
Dating a single mom, while in many ways feels similar to regular dating in other ways it can be very different because there are so many additional intricacies and usually a man who's stepping into something like this isn't aware of them. So I think this episode will also be a very good crash course for men about what to expect, what are some pitfalls to avoid, as well as some exciting things that you can look forward to. The episode isn't made exclusively for men, not only because anyone can date a single mother, but I also think that anyone and everyone who's an involved in a dynamic like this should really tune in, especially if you are someone who already has children. I think it's extremely helpful to hear what men go through, what men think, what men might want, and what men's emotional needs are in the dynamic where he's dating a single mother. Dating in this way is a lot like stepping into a preexisting family.
[00:01:23] Speaker B: There could be an ex who may.
[00:01:24] Speaker A: Or may not be in the picture, or who is very present. And of course you're looking at 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 additional children, possibly from 1, 2, 3, 4 five different fathers plus you. And then depending on what phase of life these children are in, that experience will completely color how your new girlfriend and yourself will interact with them. So for example, it's a very different experience raising a 2 year old than it is a young Teenager. A quick YouTube search of whether you should date a single mother or not, or how to date a single mother generally comes up with a lot of hatred, a lot of negative videos, a lot of things. Things to look out for today. We'll certainly talk about some of those pitfalls, but I also want to offer a balanced perspective to say, hey, yes, you can have preferences. Yes, you can choose to never date a single mom. A single mom can choose to never date a certain man of a certain status or height. These are all preferences and choices. But if you do go down this path, here are some important things to keep in mind, and here are some positive experiences, even from my own life, that might help you along the way.
[00:02:26] Speaker B: To take a page out of my personal life. I happen to have been raised in a way where I got a sample of a little of each. There was a time growing up when my parents were together and in love and happy, and we all spent time together as a family of three and then eventually four. There was a time where my dad had moved out and then I was mostly raised by my mother and then saw my dad occasionally every few days.
[00:02:48] Speaker A: And then in the third chapter of my teenage years, probably around the time I was 18, having a new male figure come into my mom's life and then experiencing that dynamic dynamic as well.
I feel extremely fortunate to be very close with both of my parents and my sister as well, and my family and I are in touch multiple times per week, as well as regularly spending quality time together when possible. I feel incredibly fortunate to have this kind of bond, but I also know that it takes work and I work on it on a weekly basis. Now. I do recognize that this isn't a typical family situation. I'm even a little bit reluctant to share because I know not everybody's story goes like this, and there are people.
[00:03:25] Speaker B: Whose parents are no longer with us, people who don't speak to their parents anymore, people who have suffered crazy amounts of abuse from their parents.
[00:03:33] Speaker A: So I in no way want to minimize any of that. But in my family as well, it doesn't mean we're not without problems or crises or real issues. But that, along with my clinical experience, does inspire me to talk about this subject in a way that I hope you'll find unique and interesting.
Communication with our parents, if we're on good terms, is actually something that almost never ends and never stops for the rest of your life. For most, it's not going to stop when you're 15 or 16 or over 18 or in your 20s or even in your 50s. It carries on through our lives as long as everyone is alive and on good terms. I'm in my 40s now, and I often find myself, if not weekly, sometimes even daily, being in touch with my mom or my sister or my dad for one reason or the other. So even though I'm independent and live on my own and can do my own thing just fine, I'm setting a premise here to say that it's not just about getting the kids out the door. I love having my family support and they love being in touch with me all the time. There's A a constant back and forth again decades after leaving the house.
[00:04:32] Speaker B: The visits, the connection, the inclusivity that's.
[00:04:35] Speaker A: Always there and it's never going to change. I share all of this to say, because often when men get involved with a single mother, you say to yourself, oh, only a few more years left or I'm getting them during the easy years or soon they'll be a teenager and move out. Yes, that's a monumental step and does make a difference in the quality of the relationship in terms of you spending more one on one time together. However, in most cases, children remain in their family's lives forever.
Furthermore, we forget that all number of both positive and negative things can happen to someone's child after college or after moving out. They could get in trouble, get in trouble with the law, drop out of college, what happens if he or she gets too heavily involved in drugs and then have to constantly rely on mom or are a little bit lazy and don't have what it takes to move out or the economy takes a hit and so your son or daughter or both are staying at home for five or ten more additional years. I mean, heck, some people never leave the nest. So it's important to remember that children are a lifetime commitment, a lifetime relationship. It can and often does get easier. But I do think it's important to not just think about until they turn 16, 18 or 20.
The next thing to keep in mind is that anytime anything goes wrong for a woman's child, it's going to be a very, very major life event for their mother. If the child or baby gets hurt or sick, or something's wrong at school, or she has to run and get them from school, everything has to stop and revolve, rightly so, around this type of situation.
I can even give a personal example about this. Take me as a fully grown adult. Anytime something's gone wrong, including simply not feeling well or catching a cold or God forbid, going through a breakup, I can recognize immediately that my poor mom's heart breaks for me and that she suffers through hearing my pain. Same thing with my dad. And that means sometimes that a mom can't be fully available to her partner if her attention is on her son or daughter who in her mind needs her. So a mother or father's need to take care of their children doesn't stop again once they're beyond toddlers or adolescents, or even teenagers or grown adults.
[00:06:50] Speaker B: So when you're investing into a single.
[00:06:52] Speaker A: Mother, you're investing into an entire family.
[00:06:55] Speaker B: That'S going to come up again. And again, you have to understand that that bond is likely always going to be put first in many ways, take priority whether it's fair or not, and once again, be a commitment for a lifetime.
[00:07:08] Speaker A: For me, it was right around the time I had graduated high school and went off to college that my mom had met someone else and started dating him. In a way, this was very interesting for me because it was kind of like having two different dads. There's a famous book I'm sure many of you have read called Rich Dad, Poor Dad. And in that book, the author is able to pull on different experiences he's had from both them. And I kind of felt that way as well. They were such different people that I had two different perspectives to draw from.
My stepdad has actually amused himself that.
[00:07:37] Speaker B: He came into the relationship at the.
[00:07:39] Speaker A: Right time, right when we were pre grown and already off to high school and college. So the hard part was out of the way. But I think he also had an awareness that it was the expensive part as well. Because as you're a teenager, you're getting older, you have different needs. It's not just about having the right baby clothes or, you know, getting a new pair of shoes because your foot's growing. But I do think there's something to be said for stepping in at a later point in life if that's available to you. Particularly because it's likely that you will be able to enjoy more quality time with your female partner, rather than having her worry so much about what the kids are doing, where they are, and if they're safe.
[00:08:15] Speaker B: Fast forward 20 years later and the.
[00:08:16] Speaker A: Entire family is still close, and we're all still spending time together on special holidays and occasions. So what that actually means is my biological father drives up from his house to mom and stepdad's house, and there, along with my sister, myself and anyone else who's invited, we're able to celebrate under one roof. It's a pretty special situation. And that's not just Christmas. We'll do birthdays, holidays, everything in between. It's not that it's always perfect or always the most movie like experience, but we do all love each other very much. And the beautiful thing is that it's never come up once that my stepdad is raising someone else's kids or whether that's attractive or not, even though that is an enormous, enormous focus for a lot of people today.
Now, over the years, I also have found myself in the position of dating a few single moms here and there. And though the majority of women that I've been with have not had children. I want to mention that a lot of the major problems or red flags and concerns that do come up for people around dating in a situation like that haven't actually happened to me. They're simply the things that I study, read about, or hear from different clients who have also been involved in a similar situation.
So I think it's important if you're a man listening to know what your risk tolerance is and if you're a mother or a woman listening how you feel about some of these subjects. And number one, can you have some empathy for someone who's not in your situation? Even if what you're going through feels hard, can you understand what a man is signing up for and not just have high expectations about whether he should just step in and handle things for you?
All right, with my personal life out of the way, here's the third interesting thing to keep in mind when dating a single mother. Now, though this is a little anecdotal, it does stretch far beyond my personal experience. However, anytime I've ever asked a single mother what exactly her relationship to her ex, boyfriend, or husband is, almost anytime I've asked another man about this, and anytime I've heard someone talk about it clinically, almost without fail, a single mom will speak about her ex in a pretty terrible, cold, unfavorable, or unflattering light. I know this isn't everyone. I realize if you're listening now, this may not be you, but the following happens a lot.
[00:10:28] Speaker B: He's a deadbeat dad.
[00:10:30] Speaker A: He's a psychopath.
[00:10:31] Speaker B: He's a narcissist, a sociopath. He's crazy.
[00:10:34] Speaker A: What is it about women that makes them think that their ex husbands or boyfriends are always controlling narcissists?
Now, I know, just as you do, that there are great men out there, that there are good men out there and they aren't so few and far in between great in the sense that they want a family. They want to support you. They want to do good for you. They want closeness and intimacy and to have a great relationship. But I'm often taken aback by how frequently women speak so poorly about their exes. And it's usually not just a couple of things. It's some pretty extreme negativity. What it often suggests, especially in the way the story is told, is that the woman has been a victim to this treatment. Now, I don't want to minimize the actual traumas and terrible things that all couples do to each other. I know that exists. I know it's awful. I have heard the most insane, horrible stories. However, statistically speaking, it can't be the case that all men across the board are bad, or most men are bad, or most men are terrible narcissists. There are fathers who do want to do the right thing, and it can't always be the case that the female partner has done nothing wrong or has always been the victim. Doing what I do, I often have the privilege of focusing more on the sexy stuff and the fun stuff, but I do hear horror stories that go both directions. While I do agree that sometimes the answer is in the middle or sometimes it takes two, I do know that it's possible for there to be one bad egg or one bad actor.
I'm just going to top that off with one more nice little disclaimer here by saying again, I know that abuse is real. Domestic violence is real, Sexual abuse is real. And so I'm not minimizing or disqualifying in any way the true stories where women have authentically been hurt, harmed, or taken advantage of by another man. But if we can keep the discussion a little bit on the lighter side, and if we're just talking about the way people speak about their exes, here's what I never hear we both tried really hard. I gave it my all, he gave it his all, and we had our differences, but we both have things to work on. Or there are a lot of areas where I messed up, or any kind of personal responsibility and accountability. And if there is any, it's often really minimal, like, oh, I was working on myself, or I tried as hard as I could. But rarely is there a mutual understanding of where things went wrong. There always seems to be a lot of finger pointing, and I think this is something to consider when you're stepping into a relationship, including with someone who doesn't have a child. What is the actual true relationship with her ex? How does she make him out to be? How does she think of him? What is her relationship with her previous exes in her past? Because certainly that could be you at some point.
Is he still in the picture? Are all the things that she says about him true? And if so, how is that going to color the dynamic between the three of you? If you break up one day, she may even refer to you as the crazy, evil ex, the person she should have never gotten involved with. She knew from the beginning she saw all the signs but didn't do anything about it or some victimization. So these are all things to consider. Of course, when getting into any relationship with anyone. But even if a woman doesn't have a child in her life, that doesn't mean that her ex is out of the picture completely. Far be it from that. Does she still love him? Sleep with him? Think about him? Does he still haunt her? Stalk her? Do they still live together? Do they still live together in the same bedroom? I've heard some really extreme things. Or do they still text each other every day?
All right, now I'd like to break things up a little bit and share a quote from a single mother of two that touches on some of the things we've been talking about. She says it is imperative that parents.
[00:14:11] Speaker B: Do their absolute best to co parent.
[00:14:13] Speaker A: In a positive way. I can't even imagine speaking terribly about my ex husband to my next boyfriend. I might feel negativity at times in my head, but not all the time. It doesn't help keep a positive home for me or for the children. I think it's super important to remind everyone that there's love that remains there. I also think that setting this up is so important not only for the children, but for everyone else who comes into the family, such as the new boyfriend or girlfriend. My thinking is that this one very important concept or act, that is to say positively co parenting and not speaking negatively about the other partner changes everything and can tip the stats in your favor. Less emotional stress, less behavior issues for the children, more ease when dealing with exes, for instance during transfers or with money issues, and creating space for a new love interest.
When a new man does come into the fold, communication with both him and the children is key. When appropriate, have conversations about what the expectations are and if it's a long term relationship, these expectations or these feelings can be revisited from time to time.
Make sure that your man feels like he's part of the family. Even though there will always be boundaries and talk of expectations, I just think that many issues could be completely bypassed by setting up a practical and not convoluted foundation.
So I think that's a great share and I think when a man or woman is intentional about their current, past and future relationships, when there's communication, honesty, sincerity, assuming all partners are willing to play along, it's a much better outcome than simply judging or trash talking your previous partner.
The fourth thing that you want to keep in mind when dating a single mother is the length of your intended investment. And I think you really need to be incredibly certain on your part where you want this relationship to go as early as possible. When you're dating her for Example, if you know that this is short term fun only, maybe it's not such a good idea to meet the kids. If you know that you just want to have a sexual relationship and you only want to be intimate and you don't really have interest in anything else, or you're dating other people, or you've got other things going on, or she's not your top pick or your top prospect, it's best not to lead her on and to communicate very, very specifically with eye contact what you're going to do. Because if you do get invested and involved and then the kids take a liking to you and you're spending time together and then the whole thing ends. Well, especially if they now love you too, years down the line and they see you as a father figure or as someone very special in their life, or they love you very much and then suddenly you're gone. Now, that's probably the second time that a man has left them in their life at a very early age. And there's just incredible data right now on the effects it has on children when something that you might call abandonment issues such as this come up. Now, how you handle your breakup is not set in stone. I know there are people who say I have to block you and never talk to you again and don't ever speak to me again. I was having sex with you one day and now I never want to see you again for the rest of my life. I personally think that method is garbage, but to each their own. However, I believe that you can work things out in a very favorable way. If you have a wonderful relationship with the kids and they want to keep seeing you and that works for the rest of the family, maybe you can figure out a way to spend time together and connect going forward. But when we're talking about long term relationships and you're spending several years with mom and the kids, you have to think about more than just yourself, more than just her, because it's going to be pretty devastating when you're gone assuming that you had a good relationship.
[00:17:57] Speaker B: The next concept is an interesting one and I want to introduce it by sharing what so many women often put on their dating profiles when they're a single mother. It's so uncanny how identical the wording is and so similar that it makes you wonder, did every woman or every single mother get a copy of the same book?
[00:18:14] Speaker A: That profile sounds a little something like.
[00:18:17] Speaker B: Single mom to 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5. Perfect, gorgeous, flawless, amazing children. Children come from 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5 different fathers. They're my world, they're my everything.
[00:18:31] Speaker A: They're my pride and joy. And they will always, always come first.
And I think I, like every man, thinks that this is accurate and right. Should a woman put her children first? Absolutely.
But she's not the only one. In this potential relationship, we have to consider what the man's perspective would be as well. A man has to truly understand the.
[00:18:55] Speaker B: Results and consequences of truly putting your children first.
[00:19:00] Speaker A: And of course, there's no problem with doing this. But it's really important to understand what that will actually mean for the men who are listening to this episode.
[00:19:08] Speaker B: You putting your children first versus you putting him first after yourself, of course.
[00:19:13] Speaker A: Is a very, very different experience for a man.
As men, most of us understand this right? We do believe your children should be your top priority. There would actually be something wrong if they weren't. But the concept to understand here, gentlemen, if you're listening, is rank. Where do you fit on the totem pole? What number are you in terms of priority? So, simply stated, and I'm only the messenger here, in many situations like this, where there's a family, what it often means for the new boyfriend is that you will be at the bottom of the rank, or at least feel like you are. And that's probably not intentionally and certainly not malevolently, but often by default. Which is not a place that most men want to or like to be. It's not a place that anyone wants to be.
If you're a single man dating a single mom, you simply cannot be her top priority, nor should you be. Every single time that you consider spending time together, every single one of those choices is going to revolve around where her children are, what they need, if they've spent quality time with their mom or not today or this week, her time to talk to you, or be on the phone with you or be spontaneous with you, or just go grab an ice cream. It's all going to revolve around her availability due to her children and what the children need. So even if she has time to. But maybe the kids haven't seen her for one reason or another because she's working or they've been with the dad or whatever, and she needs to spend that quality time with them, that's going to trump your quality time together. When we talk about single mothers, they're often revered and celebrated and honored for their courage and strength. But it's incredibly important to know what's on the other side as well, what the men are going through, and to also give them a little bit of much needed respect and credit. Because it is a bit of a thankless job sometimes to step into a situation like this. He has his life to consider, just like you have to consider yours. He has to consider what his priorities are and what he's willing to and to not compromise on. So if you want to involve yourself in a situation like this, you need to evaluate if you're okay with not being top priority or even coming closer to the bottom of the totem pole. Which means that maybe you're a man who is a lot more independent or doesn't require so much time for your partner, or maybe just having a relationship isn't your absolute top priority. Or maybe having any kind of family is so important to you, or family is so important to you that the juice is absolutely worth the squeeze.
When you're dating a single mom, you can't just pick up and go on vacation in most circumstances, can't just run out the door to dinner. You can't be as spontaneous as you'd like to be, unless maybe she's very well off or super independent or has a trust fund, an on demand babysitter, or tremendous daycare or family support. There's a lot of different ways you can work it, but for the average.
[00:22:09] Speaker B: Single mother, getting time away or being able to be spontaneous is pretty challenging.
[00:22:15] Speaker A: The sixth thing for you to consider is whether or not you can even come over to her house, or if you are allowed to, whether she's willing to invite you in. Will you meet her children? How soon will you meet them? Do they want to see you? Will they be there? And of course, you're usually going there for some sort of romantic or intimate or quality time together. So she's likely not going to want them to be there. And that's going to take some planning as well.
Interestingly, half the time she may be available to see you, want to see you, and even have the ability to see you. But because the kids need something or have school, or need to be picked up, or need to be taken somewhere or simply put, babysat, you just can't come over. You don't want the kids to think that you're replacing dad and there's a lot to think about on her part.
[00:23:00] Speaker B: She also has to consider an emotional connection with you and the kids. What if things go really well and you get along great, but then the relationship ends sooner than expected? How are they going to feel?
[00:23:10] Speaker A: You may even be a man who's gung ho and ready and maybe you've seen pictures, or even got a chance to video chat with mommy's new friend. But if she's not ready or the time isn't right, it only falls on her calendar and her timing for when that moment will be for you to meet and spend time together.
This next bit may fall under subsection 5A. Often not only will you not be her first or number one priority, but you likely won't be her second or third or fourth, depending on how many children there are. You also have to consider if there is a pet, an animal, or a farm involved in the situation as well. And then some men even find themselves feeling like they're beneath all of that because, well, the dog needs to be fed or walked, the chickens need to go in their coop. Maybe there's an aging pet or animal or the little baby dog goes everywhere with mom and so she sleeps on the bed. Or there's 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 animals on the bed as well as children. I know to some of you this may sound a little bit exaggerated, but I have had countless clients where as we're troubleshooting sex and intimacy issues, it turns out that one of the simple logistical issues is the fact that they have a farm living on their bed every night, as well as 15 pillows.
[00:24:25] Speaker B: So a lot of men feel like they're last on the totem pole.
[00:24:28] Speaker A: Subsection 5B may be the ex who she's still in touch with or has to be in touch with on a regular or sometimes daily basis to coordinate with the children. She may have to text or talk to him constantly about picking them up from school, taking them to different hobbies, going to doctor's appointments, or even just going out to dinner or a fun event, or if he needs to babysit for you to have a date with her. The ex has had not only an active part in her life, not only has had sex with her many times, and not only has been with her for many, many years, but is also the father to her children. And that will never change. That kind of special bond, no matter what kind of man he is and what kind of a relationship they may have now, is something that's there for a lifetime. And then you've got to remember that here you are just stepping in for the first day, week, months, or even the first year. Sometimes that ex might just be pulling her attention a lot more than you can, and God forbid they still have a sexual connection.
Now, to balance things out a little bit and speak from a personal experience, I myself have not had some of these things happen and Maybe I've just been lucky, or I've met some pretty tremendous women in that regard, or maybe they've always had the means to have someone watch the children or have a family member take care of them, or be old enough to stay at home. Whatever it is When a woman loves you When a woman truly loves you, and to understand what I'm talking about there, please see the previous episode. When you're experiencing a lot of love towards a woman and she's experiencing that towards you, it's truly amazing how much love she has to give and can give you on top of all the love that she gives her children.
[00:26:10] Speaker B: And she can still make you feel like a priority even though she has all these other responsibilities. So if your relationship is strong and it's a very healthy relationship, there's no need for you to be bottom of the barrel or last priority. And in fact, if you find yourself in a relationship right now with a woman who's treating you that way, I.
[00:26:29] Speaker A: Think it's something you can have a conversation about and something that you can set some new boundaries and expectations with. I will say I have been in a few situations though where there has been the evil ex. I won't give too many details here, but it can be very, very grim. In fact, I'm remembering one relationship where sometimes two to three times a week an ex of mine was breaking down crying, feeling emotional because she was going through so much emotional pain with feeling mistreated, feeling taken advantage of. It's definitely something that you have to keep in mind because it's very likely to happen.
The sixth concept to think about if dating a single mother is the idea that you are stepping in to a pre existing family. You're not creating it from scratch, they aren't your children and therefore this family has its own culture, ecosystem, ways of.
[00:27:24] Speaker B: Doing things, ways of communicating or not communicating, ways of arguing or not arguing, and ways of loving or not loving.
[00:27:32] Speaker A: Now, one can hope that your value systems align and that you believe that the way she has parented her children or that family unit has grown up together is in alignment with the way you would do it, but it's also very likely that it may not be at all.
It goes without saying that a mom should not be introducing every guy that she meets to her children, and she probably shouldn't introduce her kids to someone who she's slept with once or twice, a few times, or has even been seeing for maybe a few months. Why? Because she has no idea where this relationship is going to go. If the Kids form an attachment or a judgment, depending on their age, or wonder who you are or what place you are in the family, it can cause some real damage.
[00:28:14] Speaker B: Obviously, a woman wants to be extra certain that if you're going to introduce children to the mix, that you're not.
[00:28:19] Speaker A: Going to hurt them or confuse them or make them wonder who this person is. But nonetheless, if you're a serious suitor and you're interested in getting involved with.
[00:28:26] Speaker B: Her after some period of time when trust has been established, you're probably going to meet them.
[00:28:31] Speaker A: But eventually you will meet them. And at that point, you need to know that you're stepping into something that has its own tone. And furthermore, depending on when you're coming in, you might be right smack in the middle of some very formative moments that we even struggle with as adults. When you hear comments like, well, my mom always did it that way, or that's not what my dad's taught me, or my dad always taught me to express myself this way. These moments are where those patterns get created. The way these children have been raised celebrated whether or not parents showed their children affection or said I love you or gave them kisses goodnight. Whether or not you begin to eventually do these things, they matter. Have not just your own life in your hands, but three other people's as well. And that's a very big responsibility to step into. I mean, it's just incredible the number of things to consider. Did dad or you say, I'm really proud of you. I know you're not my son, but I'm really proud of you. I love you. Is there drug or alcohol use involved? How does children seeing their parents drunk or inebriated affect them and their future choices? A lot of what's happened thus far in their family unit will likely be very different than what happened in yours or how you might go about doing things.
Stepping into a situation like that does not mean that you're going to have the right of way or command respect or that these children are instantly going to defer to you. You could be dealing with a fussy teenager. You could be dealing with someone who's very shy or angry or upset. You could be dealing with someone who's very protective of their mother and doesn't really want you near them. Especially the latter is a very natural response that you might have to navigate.
And on top of that, it might be very likely and should be very likely that it'll be a while before you even meet them. So it's very likely that if you meet a single mom you might be investing in her. When you're alone together on dates, you may be having sex and you may have never met her children for weeks or even months.
Then when you finally do have the.
[00:30:33] Speaker B: Opportunity to meet them, hopefully it's magical and feels like a Disney movie and.
[00:30:37] Speaker A: You cannot believe your eyes and they're so amazing and perfect and they love you and they get along, but we all know there's a chance that it could be much worse. Concept number seven deals with the idea that they may dislike you or you rub them the wrong way. What if you have a difficult time liking them because you would have raised them very differently? As we all know only too well, it's not the case that every adult gets along with every child in the world and vice versa. When we see poor behavior that we don't like, we judge. But no matter what, a mother is always going to feel very, very differently about her children. So if you've got some judgments or areas of improvement where they can stand to learn some respect or consideration, or you can teach them some life lessons, these things may butt up against each other. What if you thought you were great with kids, but their mom can't stand anything that you do? There's certainly the risk that she has.
[00:31:27] Speaker B: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 little terrors.
[00:31:30] Speaker A: Maybe they talk back, yell, scream, throw fits, throw tantrums, hit, bite, cry, throw things, throw food, break things.
[00:31:36] Speaker B: You might be dating someone who has never wanted to punish in any particular way, or doesn't know how to punish her children, or doesn't believe in punishment.
[00:31:45] Speaker A: I'm not even talking about corporal punishment here. I simply mean enforcing boundaries and rules, or being able to take charge and let them know when something's right or wrong. What happens if your girlfriend's 7 or 10 or 14 year old boy or girl, does something that is so unbelievably inappropriate or disrespectful that it requires immediate attention, but you're not actually allowed to handle it, or maybe even speak up the way you think would be appropriate? Rest assured, whatever punishment or reprimand looks like, it's very likely that you'll be unable to engage in that way until you have the respect and love of the entire family and you're welcomed into it in that way.
For concept number eight, I want to begin by sharing some divorce statistics as of 2022 and how they affect children.
It's now well known that children are more likely to experience behavioral issues if their parents divorce when the child is between the ages of 7 and 14.
[00:32:44] Speaker B: Children with divorced parents are twice as likely to attempt suicide.
[00:32:49] Speaker A: Children with divorced parents are four times as likely to have trouble fitting in. Teenagers whose parents divorce are more likely to experience mental health issues. And children are at a much greater risk of living in poverty if their parents get a divorce. Children with divorced parents are twice as likely to drop out of high school. It's a lot to consider, and these are just a few of the things that you should be aware of when you step into a situation like this.
[00:33:12] Speaker B: No one hopes for these kinds of outcomes.
[00:33:14] Speaker A: I certainly don't. And these statistics are not the exemption. They tend to be the rule.
[00:33:20] Speaker B: Even if you've read 20 books on how to properly parent children, and when difficult times come up, something needs to.
[00:33:26] Speaker A: Be done, you're never going to have that permission, at least from the beginning and for the first couple of years, to be the father that you would otherwise be if you had your own children.
All right, that being said, and speaking.
[00:33:41] Speaker B: A little bit, once again, from my own experience, I was often able to come up with creative ways not to. To punish or harm, but to help a small child understand that that's not okay.
[00:33:52] Speaker A: Sometimes very, very calmly, but with just gentle eye contact, I've been able to say, did you see what happened when you did that? And often children are able to recognize their own behavior and they feel bad on their own without needing you to make them feel bad. I've tried stern eye contact in the past.
Even just regular eye contact can be effective because children often look at their parents or at you to see if they can get away with something. And so if you sort of have your eye on them, it's enough to say, you're not going to get away with that. I see you, I'm watching you. And you could still make it very playful and fun. Sometimes treating them as an adult has great benefit. Sometimes if they're throwing a tantrum or a little fit, rather than rushing in and trying to silence them or give them something to soothe them right away. I've found that just being there and being present, if you're not, you know, in a public restaurant or in the middle of a store, just letting it play out. But being present with your masculine energy, like we talk about in so many other episodes, can often calm a little boy, and especially a little girl down and help her snap back into her normal self. But I'll rope with another concept in here too. And sometimes it is hard to spend quality time with mom if the kids are around. In fact, quality time, in my opinion, with children present should look like family time.
Family time. You're already winning bonus points because you're spending time with her kids and loving them and appreciating them and spending time with her in that way. So her attraction level is going up for you. Her appreciation level is growing immensely by doing that. So it's really important to remain patient and calm and awesome and just have a good time with the whole family when you guys are spending time together. I wouldn't think of that so much as quality time for just the two of you or trying to get a.
[00:35:37] Speaker B: Moment when they go in the other.
[00:35:38] Speaker A: Room and watch a TV show. Just enjoy the experience for what it is and then set up date night for the two of you or time alone for the two of you to handle. Other business concept number 10 deals with finances and who should pay. I find this largely has to do with your socioeconomic status and who's doing better or who is wealthier or if there's a great disparity in your income. Now, if you're a wealthy guy and in the top 1 or 10% and money is really not an object for you, you've got no problem with it. You're welcome to take care of everything. But how many men are in the top 1% or 10%? Very clearly not many. And so most men are not simply going to unequivocally or hands down, foot the bill. For an experience that involves the three, four, or five of you. I want you to visualize a few scenarios here. Imagine you're in a restaurant and you see a family seated at a table.
[00:36:33] Speaker B: Or you can tell that it's a mother with her children and a man is on a date with them. The bill comes and she reaches for the check and she says, I got it. And she treats the man herself and her two children to the entire meal. How does that land then? Imagine an even more unusual scenario where a man says, well, babe, I'll pay for you, but you pay for your children. How sad and horrible does that sound?
[00:37:01] Speaker A: So that doesn't really work.
[00:37:02] Speaker B: And then scenario number three. You see the man throw his credit card on the table. Of course he's got it.
[00:37:08] Speaker A: He's going to take care of it.
[00:37:09] Speaker B: He signs a check and it's all done. And in an ideal world and situation, even though this is very traditional, that works for most people.
[00:37:17] Speaker A: And I think most people will find that very attractive until you're going to breakfasts, lunches, dinners, over and over and over again. What happens if you just spent $200 on movie tickets and refreshments for everyone. And then you go to dinner, or maybe you're coming from an all day event at Legoland which was, what is it, 3, 4, $500 to get in with parking and all the fun stuff that happens there, or another amusement park, and then it's dinner time. I've not only seen women who expect a man to take care of her and someone else's children, but there's not a lot of gratitude there. And then I've also seen women who do so well for themselves, where they want to treat the man as well and say, hey, I got it, no problem, you're joining us, you're taking care of us, you're driving, and they want to give back. But I think the important thing to remember here is most men are not made of money. You may hope to find someone like that, you may dream about it, but the chances are finding someone who wants to take care of your children and pay for you and pay for everything and can do so and does so happily, you're looking at under 1% of the population of men who are able to and would want to do that.
And so in those scenarios that I gave, you really have to back it out and remember that when you see that happening, you're seeing one isolated moment. But what happened if you just took mom on a beautiful, expensive vacation? What if while you take the whole family on a little trip or excursion, then everybody needs to eat or has special meds or has special needs, or needs a new sweater or a new jacket, or suddenly it gets too cold or too hot, or you want to go swimming in a special amazing swimming hole you just discovered.
[00:38:57] Speaker B: So at what point is it the man's responsibility to just pay for everything? Yes, it looks weird if the mother does. Yes, it seems a little strange, but unless a man is earning hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, it's very.
[00:39:11] Speaker A: Unlikely he's going to be able to foot the bill for everyone all of the time, no matter what.
[00:39:18] Speaker B: And that's where I think it's incredibly important to actually have financial conversations with your partner. What are the expectations? What's going on? It sounds so weird to say, are.
[00:39:28] Speaker A: You going to expect me to pay for your children?
[00:39:30] Speaker B: And a woman might say, I would.
[00:39:31] Speaker A: Never expect you to pay for my children. You don't know me, you don't know us. I can do my own thing.
[00:39:35] Speaker B: But six months into it, a year into it, when you guys are all cozy and things are a little more harmonious, then what? Again, this feels really different. When you're dating a successful woman or someone who has a lot of money or an inheritance, or she has a lot of financial support from someone else, or she's even using her ex husband.
[00:39:52] Speaker A: Or her ex boyfriend's money, when you're spending someone else's money, it's a lot less of a big deal. And I think your particular woman's belief system around who should pay, that is what her father taught her in her formative years is also going to play a lot into it. And so I just. I think these kind of conversations are in indispensable.
Sometimes you might just want to bring lunch over for your girlfriend or a snack, and you're just trying to be thoughtful and nice, but if the kids are around, how odd would it be for you to show up with just two burgers and not, you know, fries and goodies and sandwiches for everybody else.
[00:40:27] Speaker B: And then the kids are like, what's that? Why don't I get one? I want one too, Mom. And unless you want her to give the gift that you bought her to them, then you have to buy two.
[00:40:36] Speaker A: Or three or four of them.
In some cases, you can get really.
[00:40:40] Speaker B: Lucky and buy them both a special gift that they love and enjoy. I was dating a single mom once, and I think her children were probably 6 and 3 or 4 and 7, something like that. And so I bought them a Tesla, a little mini Tesla that they could ride around in.
[00:40:55] Speaker A: And they went nuts, wanting to drive it together, wanting to drive it individually. One of my fondest memories is just seeing them tear down the road in their little mini Tesla convertible concept number 11 deals with the possibility of meeting her ex, dealing with him, interacting with him, or even dealing with the aftermath of her interactions with him.
Some men may very well find themselves in a position where they're listening to their girlfriend say things like, my ex is so crazy. He's a psychopath, he's a narcissist, he's controlling and domineering, and I hate what he says and does with the children. And he's abusive. And I fear for my life and I fear for the safety of our children. And he could show up here at any moment and he hurt me. And he was verbally abusive and I tolerated so much of this toxic relationship.
[00:41:47] Speaker B: And he's controlling and he always told me what to do, but we always had really, really, really good sex.
[00:41:52] Speaker A: I kept going back to him for the sex and he's at the door. Want to meet him?
Guess who could show up at the house unannounced? And almost all men know from experience that many women seem to feel this way about their ex. So if it's true and there' no.
[00:42:07] Speaker B: Lies or exaggerating whatsoever, doesn't that sound.
[00:42:10] Speaker A: Like a party waiting to happen, meeting this person?
[00:42:14] Speaker B: And we could flip this around as well. Most of us don't find it to be a very exciting prospect to meet our ex girlfriend or ex wives new partner as well. How many women out there want to meet your ex boyfriend's new lover or new younger lover or new prettier lover.
[00:42:31] Speaker A: Or just simply new wife?
Concept number 15 deals with extended family. Often when you date a single mother, if her family lives local, they will also be involved in rearing the children. Sometimes to make matters often worse, they will even be living with her. Or if you're going to move in, she wants the entire family to live together. You'll see this a lot with Eastern European families and other families from around the globe. Sometimes it may be something very minor like mom or dad just stopping by the house to help with things, which can also be great. Sometimes you'll even come across situations where your new girlfriend gets along better with her ex's family better than she gets her along with her own, and she still spends time with her ex boyfriend or ex husband's family. Frankly guys, I think it's a good idea to evaluate when enough is enough. But things like this do happen.
But then when you start to think about who takes priority and who comes first in this woman's relationship, and we've already talked earlier, well, first it's her children, then it's her dogs, then it's the chickens and the cat. Then sometimes it's her mother or father, hopefully they're above the chickens and cat. Then sometimes it's the ex's family and then you.
She only has so many hours in the day to distribute to the people who she cares about most. If all of that's getting taken up. And again, maybe rightly so, family comes first, children come first. But you just have to understand that that's also going to limit not just your time together, but your romantic time, your intimate time and your time to just relax in all of these situations. Though I should mention we are talking about a sort of long term relationship kind of deal, right? You're in it for the long haul. You want to meet her kids, you want to meet her family, you want to be with her long term or marry her or date her, what have you. If you're having casual sex or you're just dating or you're just hooking up or you just have an incredible wild.
[00:44:30] Speaker B: Love affair, that's okay because many times in those situations the children don't have to ever be involved or may never be involved for one or many reasons.
[00:44:39] Speaker A: And so to be fair, you may never see her ex, you may never hear about him. And if you're just meeting at your place or she's coming over to see you and has the resources to get a sitter, or you're helping her get a sitter, or she has family that'll take care of the baby, it could feel just like a traditional or normal dating situation. It's really important though, to be very clear with her what this is for you. Is it just sex? Is it just hooking up or hanging out, or just very casual dating where you're not looking to get into something long term? This can be mutually beneficial for both of you and could be fun. Moms need love too, of course, but just make sure you talk about it first.
I often see concept number 13 in clinic and it may sound a little polarizing, but I think once you hear it, you'll agree.
[00:45:22] Speaker B: We all know that many women are incredible caretakers and nurturers, and feeling cared.
[00:45:28] Speaker A: For and nurtured by a woman is an incredible feeling. And I can't believe how much love.
[00:45:34] Speaker B: Can come out of a woman's body.
[00:45:35] Speaker A: It's incredible to me.
[00:45:36] Speaker B: It touches my heart when I think about it. But another truth is that many, not.
[00:45:41] Speaker A: All, women cannot extend this same sentiment or olive branch to their very own man because they expect him to be something different and they want him or need him to be something different for her. In other words, she often needs him to be the man and whatever that means to her.
What I've come to learn is that.
[00:46:04] Speaker B: Women respond very differently when it comes to their son versus how they respond.
[00:46:09] Speaker A: To their man, when their boyfriend is going through something rough versus their precious baby boy or their precious little girl.
[00:46:16] Speaker B: So if you're the kind of guy who's sensitive or you enjoy being taken.
[00:46:19] Speaker A: Care of, or you're a mama's boy.
[00:46:21] Speaker B: Or if you really enjoy some nurturing, as any well balanced person does, you.
[00:46:25] Speaker A: May not always get that in the way that you expect it, like it, or need it when you're involved with a woman who has children. And to be honest, you may not even get it in a relationship when children aren't involved. While obviously I'm making some generalizations here and this isn't going to be everyone, let me give you an example and show you what this looks like you get sick and catch a cold and.
[00:46:44] Speaker B: You are knocked out. But for whatever reason, your wife or girlfriend doesn't think that you look too bad.
[00:46:52] Speaker A: Maybe she thinks you're a baby or hamming it up or that you're exaggerating because she's not feeling well as well. But look at how much she's getting done while you are knocked out from you, she expects still masculinity, that you should brush it off, that you should get up and be able to deal with life.
[00:47:10] Speaker B: However, if it turns out that her son is sick, maybe he's a boy.
[00:47:15] Speaker A: A teenager, or even an adult in his 30s or 40s or 50s, you've got to know that she's 10 times more likely to be more nurturing with him than she ever can or will be with you. Oh, my goodness. Let's let you rest. Do you want to stay home from school? Let's make it a fun day. What can I do for you? How can I be there for you? This may not be the case with all women, but it's a very common tendency where she favors her child more than you in a situation where you're hurt, injured, or sick.
I have a friend who used to be a very important and special part of my life, and her sister is.
[00:47:51] Speaker B: Actually the one with a child.
[00:47:52] Speaker A: But she's so emotionally involved and emotionally invested, you might even think she's the mother.
[00:47:58] Speaker B: Buying things for the baby, doing errands, running around, taking pictures, making videos, making TikToks using filters, having to take care of him, babysit him, thinking about him, fantasizing about him, calling him the only man in her life or the only one she needs. Facebook posts, Instagram posts, YouTube posts, TikTok posts about the child. And so I would even argue that that baby in that relationship comes first, above even any man in her life. And it's not even her child. And in fact, that beautiful little baby is the reason that she will tell her friends and guy friends, no, I can't hang out. I'm busy. I'm watching the baby.
[00:48:33] Speaker A: Not because she has to, but because.
[00:48:35] Speaker B: She wants to and chooses to. I love children, too, but when it comes to being able to spend time with the woman, I'm really not trying.
[00:48:42] Speaker A: To fight through the baby, her sister, her mother, her family, her dad, her other dad, her situation, her work.
[00:48:51] Speaker B: And perhaps for a handful of female listeners, you say to yourself, well, I'm nothing like this. I would never do this. Or, you know, someone who would never do this.
[00:48:58] Speaker A: But the exception does not make the rule. Simply because you know someone who wouldn't does not mean that the vast majority of people do.
[00:49:08] Speaker B: I think one of the most dangerous.
[00:49:10] Speaker A: Concerns might be the idea of spending time with her children by yourself.
[00:49:15] Speaker B: Something that 20 years ago, perhaps no one would have bat an eye. I think in another era it was simply about watching the kids or taking care of them or doing something fun with them, or being a responsible male adult.
[00:49:27] Speaker A: But now, in today's world, if you're.
[00:49:30] Speaker B: The new guy spending time with someone else's child alone in a room, you.
[00:49:34] Speaker A: Are in fact still a stranger and someone who is at risk of getting in a lot of trouble being alone.
[00:49:40] Speaker B: With someone else's children. And I think even parents listening to this may find the idea of that appalling. It can go south so quickly. All it takes is a little bit.
[00:49:48] Speaker A: Of doubt, a lie, some suspicion, some.
[00:49:50] Speaker B: Weird energy, one manipulative game or a bad intention or even a bad joke.
[00:49:54] Speaker A: And it all goes to hell in a handbasket. It's sad that I have to even say such things. And I know there are bad apples out there. I know there are people who do not do good in the world, but I want to believe that a good majority of men would do the right thing and care for a child in a wonderful, loving, respectful, fatherly way. The fear I think, that everyone carries with them today and the risk of something going awry, it's just too great. The consequences are too big. And so good men wind up paying the consequences for all those valid fears and concerns because one sentence sums it up beautifully. You just never know.
Creating a family takes an enormous amount of trust, care and consideration. And if you're meeting someone's children, oof. You've really got to walk a fine line between being careful, cautious, awareness, smart, and also calm, cool, fun and playful. It's not easy.
Concept 15 deals with the idea that many women today outright shame men, or enjoy shaming men, or love to create shame for men around subjects that really have nothing to do with them or aren't even their responsibility. And today, many men are shamed for existing, not being tall enough, not being masculine enough, or manly enough. But the one that blows me away the most is this almost entitled idea that men should be manly enough to raise someone else's kids and take care of them fully. When this comes as an expectation from a female partner, I can't imagine how confusing it must be to young men who are watching TikToks or on Instagram or YouTube, listening to usually very physically Attractive women say he's not a real man or a mature man or a wise or evolved man if he's not willing to pay for everything for the woman that he just met, and most importantly, sacrifices time, energy and love to raise someone else's children. Now, it's a beautiful thing if you want to step into it and you're completely comfortable with that. But the sense of entitlement is a little outrageous.
And I know even hearing that some moms are going crazy thinking, I would never say anything like that. That's ridiculous. Maybe you're saying, I'm independent, I can make my own money, I can raise my own children. Also true. But men, it's important if you're listening, to know that just because you start dating a woman who has children does not mean that it instantly becomes your financial responsibility, your responsibility to raise her children. In fact, it's not your responsibility to do anything, especially during the beginning phases of a relationship. This is all something to be discussed and where your opinion matters. And you have the right to, as blunt as it is, to walk away at any point. I don't recommend it if you're super involved with the kids, but it is not your obligation to provide When a woman is evaluating whether or not she should date a particular man, she often does many things, both consciously and unconsciously. How that plays out in the real world is it looks like she tests, she probes, she asks provocative questions to see how you'll respond. She may stir up some drama or ask peculiar questions. She often has an idea of what she thinks and wants your answer to be before she asks and just wants to see how you line up with it. She looks at your stats and your height and your weight and your size and your background and your ethnicity and what you do for a living, as well as shaking down all of your social media profiles, looking at who you follow, who follows you, what photos you like, what comments you make, who makes comments on your post, who's friending you? Who's unfriending you, and so on and so forth. How is this man going to provide for me? Will he protect my children? Who is he? Can he be safe with me? There's this constant evaluation process that basically puts men in a position of Is he worthy? Does he deserve me? Can I do better? Is this the one who I want to give myself to? Where does he live? Does he live at home? Does he drive a car? Does he live with his mother? Concept number 16 is all about a man having his own set of standards, criteria, guidelines and questions as well. Men, if you're listening, you do not have to go through the rigmarole of her incessant questioning and probing and exploring and evaluating and deciding whether you're right for her. You also can apply similar standards, same standards, which we often don't have. And see for yourself if this woman is a good fit for you. Is she a good mother? Do you like how she parents her children? Do you like how she treats them? Does she neglect them? Or is she always there for them? Is she a helicopter moment? Does she give them every single thing they can possibly ask for with no discipline whatsoever? And when they throw a fit in stores, nothing's done about it because they're just expressing themselves. You know, how does she respond? What kind of man do you want to be in the relationship? All of these things are allowed. And you also are allowed to have criteria about how she looks, how she takes care of herself and grooms herself. In other words, women can often have plentiful, often outrageous standards for men to live up to. Men, you are allowed to do the exact same thing. We do it to a far lesser degree, but it's still something that we can and should do.
Concept number 17 deals with physicality and looks. Not my personal preferences, what I think is good or bad, right or wrong, and attractive or not, but just the pure, unadulterated facts of what happens physically after giving birth to children.
I have tried to record the facts here so many times. And no matter how many times I listen to it, no matter how gentle and sweet and non judgmental I am about it, I know, I know that it's extremely difficult to talk about a woman's physical appearance on a public platform without someone getting offended. Now, people have no problem speaking about men's physical appearance and how he should or shouldn't be. But doing so with a woman is a much more difficult task. So I'm going to leave out any additional commentary on physical attributes or what happens to women's bodies postpartum. We all kind of know. But suffice it to say that many women are going to experience a change after childbirth that they themselves are not happy with, never mind what a man thinks about it. And that could be discomfort or displeasure with anything, anywhere on their body, whether it's the whole package or their stomach or thighs, arms, breasts, whatever. It's very different the way they once felt before versus how they feel now. And some women struggle with getting their old bodies back or getting back to a weight they want to get to, or even feeling attractive now that said, I don't know if I've just been lucky, but I can also contrast that with the opposite. I've had incredible, mind blowing, erotic, deep, passionate, phenomenal sex with single mothers who have absolutely gorgeous bodies by anyone's standards. So sure, all of our bodies change, women's bodies change after childbirth. But something else that I've noticed is no matter how hard men try, myself included, to make a partner feel, I think that's the operative phrase there. Make a partner feel. You can't really make someone feel almost anything. No matter how much a man may appreciate his partner, compliment her love on her, reassure her, give her reassurance. No matter how many times a man may say I love your body, she usually doesn't.
And that is the clincher, my friends. No matter how beautiful or wonderful you think your woman is, it is very likely, and again, these are not my words or my judgment, but it's very likely that she has some level of self hatred or can't stand the way she looks in the mirror, or hates her body, or will never come out of her shell because she always looks at herself and sees herself in a certain way, or has body dysmorphia. There are a lot of things that you can't change, even if you think she's the most beautiful woman alive and are giving her incessant amounts of compliments. Now, she may tell you that she thinks she's super awesome, or that her self esteem is there, or that she thinks she's a wonderful person, or that everyone around her likes her, or that she gets attention from men outside. But sadly, her natural ability to devalue herself or put herself down or carry self hatred will always, always trump your compliments and your ability to soothe her or boost her up. And dealing with that can actually be a very heavy weight for both of you because it's something that not only you can't change even physically, but it rarely goes away.
Not the weight, mind you, not the way she looks, but the way she feels about the way she looks. And sadly, that is something that sometimes, no matter how many compliments, no matter how much love you show her, no matter how much appreciation deep down she feels it. And it's a very tough hurdle to get over. But to the credit of many incredible women, I have seen women and dated women who have gotten to such incredible physical shape that it would blow your mind. They take such good care of themselves. They're so strong and ripped and shredded or curvy or full or juicy and delicious and luscious and many single mothers are able to get their bodies back to look even better than they did before and or better than other women their age and in their peer group. It is possible Switching gears to concept 18 in our society today, there's a way of thinking that suggests men need to earn a woman's attention and be worthy of her attention, or that he should only focus on her needs. With expressions like happy wife, happy life, the proverbial sentiment what has he done for her lately? Rings true in the ears of many men. But outside of sex, what about a man's emotional needs? What does he need from his woman? What are his standards and desires? And isn't that equally as important as a woman's standards? If the narrative today is that we're equal, shouldn't it be the case that what he wants, needs and desires matters too? If you're a man listening, what are some of those things that matter to you? Do you only need sex in a relationship? Are you only looking for a trophy wife or a pretty girlfriend? Or someone who just kind of keeps you company here and there and you've got no other expectations? Or do your needs actually matter too? Some of you guys have never thought about this. What matters to you? You say, I'm a simple guy. I don't need much. But would you like someone to listen to you, care for you, ask how your day was, listen to some of your struggles, soothe you, massage you, cook for you, bring femininity and love and kindness and tenderness into your life? Would you like her to take an interest in your hobbies, support you, encourage you, come practice or play some of your hobbies? Will she even have the time or make time for this? And by the way, the answer is a really good woman, a very capable woman, absolutely will.
At the same time, I've also been in relationships where women don't even have children, but they keep themselves so busy with Instagram and social lives that they have zero time to give that kind of nurturing or attention.
A lot of men don't want to admit it, but we also have emotional needs too. We need to be cared for, loved, respected, taken care of. It's also amazing when someone cooks us.
[01:01:00] Speaker B: A home cooked meal.
[01:01:01] Speaker A: There's nothing like beautiful, soft, nurturing, loving feminine energy.
And this brings us right to concept number 19.
Because the interesting thing about being a single mother is just how many needs and emotional needs she gets fulfilled on a daily and hourly basis by her children.
And while sometimes this can be a little much, the constant and never ending attention Love, admiration, need, devotion. I don't often hear anyone talking about this. She gets that simply by having children. And this is something that a lot of men do not receive themselves, whether that's from their children or their wives. But women get an enormous amount of their needs met, an enormous amount of fulfillment through having and being with their children.
It seems to be true that when a woman has children for her, it can be a very sensual experience. And by that I mean a sensory experience.
[01:02:02] Speaker B: After all, new mothers are being touched, looked at, admired, needed, adored, stared at with their big baby eyes. So I put forth that these women are getting constant and almost never ending attention, sometimes wanted, sometimes unwanted from their children.
[01:02:17] Speaker A: In fact, these women are saturated by it. And some women love this endlessly and some women find it very tiresome. But no matter what, it's important to know if she's oversaturated and overstimulated by her children. It's also very likely that you, the man, aren't going to be able to get that same kind of love or nurturing or care, because usually there needs to be a buffer of time for her to chill out or have some time to herself so that she can be ready to spend time with you.
[01:02:45] Speaker B: So it's very important to note when.
[01:02:47] Speaker A: You'Re dating a single mom that yes, she needs that space, but also that.
[01:02:50] Speaker B: She'S likely being deeply fulfilled physically and emotionally simply by being in their company.
[01:02:57] Speaker A: Without you to really drive that point home. That means she's feeling things on a sensory level, satisfaction that you likely aren't getting. And so it may feel like she doesn't give you quite the attention that you need. However, women are extraordinary in their ability to give and to love and to nurture. And I have seen these powerhouse women have careers, be independent, be successful, have children, and still have a ravenous sexual appetite, still want to connect and give love, and still want to receive love from you. So all is possible if you let your mind wander for a moment and really think about it. Even the act of breastfeeding, while painful at first and does take a while to get used to, or having a child's hands on you, touching you, needing you, taking nourishment from your body. It's without a doubt a constant, constant sensory experience. So much so that by the end of the day, most women feel a little bit touched out by the end of the day. And in fact, the combination of her being touched all day and being interacted with and then being touched out by the end, end of the day causes some discord when it comes time to connect with her husband or partner in any kind of meaningful way, being over touched, overstimulated, or being needed all day can really, really take a toll. So concept 20 is the idea that a woman can be touched out but also have all of her needs met, while the man hasn't experienced anything like that in his entire day or sometimes his entire life.
Generally speaking, men do not get their emotional needs met from their children. They can, they can be very rewarding, they being a dad. But for many men, what they might articulate as their needs, it isn't always being met through their children. Everyone needs intimacy, sexuality, connection, closeness.
But since women often do get many of their needs met through children, sometimes, sometimes this decreases their sexual desire to be with you because they're already having, don't mistake my words here, but a sensual or emotional experience with their children. They're having certain needs met and therefore that can sometimes decrease their sex drive.
Or you may have, as I often have found yourself, a total nymph and you don't have to worry about it at all. So have this conversation with your current wife, partner or woman that you're dating. Ask her if after being with her children, if she'd like some space, time to just breathe, time to not feel like a mom, a transition time in order to start to feel like a woman again or a desired woman, and especially time to just not be touched or have someone's hands all over her. Hmm.
It's extremely difficult for most mothers to transition from being mom to being a sexually desirable, ravenous, hungry, delicious vixen or whatever else it is she may want to transform into.
So I think this may be one of the most important points to understand, especially if a single mother has young children, children, the fact that she's getting so many needs met and that, number one, a man could never compete with that kind of attention, nor should he. And number two, a man in the same situation does not get these same needs met, even if he's interacting with her children or his own children. Men still, after all, need or crave sex, sexual attention and sexual intimacy. And women do too. But try having this conversation with your partner and watch what happens, happens.
Now, I will finish this off with one little caveat and say I still believe that a woman still needs her man, wants her man, and wants her man to show up like the man. Contrary to what you hear in social media today, when a woman is with her children or she's just by herself, or if she's lonely, she craves Assuming she's straight, she craves a man and his touch, gaze, presence, attention, care for her. She craves being desired and wanted by him. All these things are really beautiful and necessary. And I'm in no way suggesting that simply because a woman has children that she no longer has these needs for her man.
[01:07:23] Speaker B: All right, so there you have it, over 20 thoughts and ideas about dating a single mother and bringing her children into your life. I hope it's given you some very good food for thought. I hope that it's given you a profound understanding of both sides. But of course, you never can really know what it's going to be like until you dive in fully at the end of the day. I think most men know very well what their choice would be, whether they would never do this or they would jump right in. And I think as long as you're authentic with the person who you're dating, you let her know sincerely what your intentions are. You let her know where you stand and whether you plan to be around in a week or a month. Month. Then you can have some incredible experiences, either just with her or with her and her family if you're going to do something more long term. There, of course, are pros and cons to anything in life, not just dating a single mother, just like there are pros and cons to dating a stripper. No, I'm not comparing a single mom to a stripper, although that combo does exist. But there are pros and cons to dating a female CEO or biker or bartender, or a woman who doesn't have a job, or a woman who doesn't want to work another day in her life, or a woman who's completely and utterly devoted to her business. But I think one of the things that's missing most from weighing in pros and cons of whether you should or shouldn't do something, is the human aspect, the love aspect, and the connection that can come from interacting with children on the whole, the incredible and beautiful experiences that happen when you're all hanging out one night watching a movie and someone says something funny and the whole family erupts with laughter, filling your otherwise quiet house with joy when a young baby or daughter looks up to you and wants to hold your hand and be near you or hold your finger or have you close while you're on the couch, when they want to put their head on your shoulder or allow you to carry them from one event to the next because they're so sleepy. Times when they don't want to leave your house because they're having so much fun playing with you. When you get to invent fun games at the dinner table and the whole family is engaged and having a good time and you forget for a moment about any pros or cons of doing this because you feel like one connected family when you realize that her son or daughter does look up to you or think about you or make comments about you when you're not there, or she misses spending time with you and how much that can touch your heart, there's an entire other world to this that goes far beyond simple pros and cons, and you can't really get a taste of it until you really step into it.
A very male way of thinking can often be cold and rigid, and I often think of the way women think about things as sometimes being, of course, more inclusive or more loving. If you just get stuck on this idea of not wanting to raise someone else's children or that's someone else's seed, it sounds so cold and harsh. And maybe that's the reality of the world. But if you enjoy being cozy, watching movies, decorating the house for Halloween or Thanksgiving or Christmas or birthdays or any other holiday, watching them come out in cute new outfits looking so adorable, or seeing the way their little minds work when they're creating stories or inventing games, sharing time with family if family is important to you, if you love looking into her son or daughter's eyes and seeing them sparkle as they're learning a new skill or playing a game with you or getting away with something at your house that they normally wouldn't get away with at home, like doing flips onto your couch or dive rolling from.
[01:10:45] Speaker A: The trampoline onto the sofa. There's just an entire other universe of joy, and I don't think any list in the world can prepare you for.
[01:10:54] Speaker B: The fun and excitement that can come from those experiences.
So thank you for listening. I hope you've enjoyed this episode immensely. You can always check out the Closeness podcast everywhere. Podcasts can be found or by subscribing to us on
[email protected] closeness if you.
[01:11:12] Speaker A: Happen to be on my personal website, cravecloseness.com podcast, you also have the option.
[01:11:17] Speaker B: Of reading transcripts as opposed to listening to my dulcet tones.
[01:11:22] Speaker A: If you have any further questions or you'd like to become a Closeness client or work with me one on one or two on one, please don't hesitate to fill out an intake
[email protected] intake or you can just come in and we can get right to work. Thank you and have a wonderful day.
